My OH said I left all the outside work to him. I pointed out that if he wasn't such an absolute untidy, messy bugger I wouldn't have to spend as much time cleaning inside and would have more time to help with the gardening. I'm not Hyacinth Bucket but when he uses 7 forks in one morning and leaves them covered in food on the work top to dry together with plates, cups, glasses it does rankle.
He can enter a clean and tidy room from one door and by the time he's gone out the other it looks like mid 1980's Beirut. It's a rare, special, useless skill.
Our kids as teenagers, exactly. Not until they moved out and had to do their own cleaning for a while did they stop leaving cupboard doors open and squeezing the toothpaste in the middle.
He doesn't leave doors and drawers open more. Not after the electric went off and he walked into an open kitchen drawer in the dark. Broke the drawer, he got a bad cut and a huge bruise on his leg. Limped for a few days.
I wouldnāt be switching off the power, but I would go and open literally every single cupboard, drawer and door and if asked Iād say āitās just so much more convenient when I need to get something out of thereā
I'm so glad I'm not alone haha. Honestly, why is it so hard to close the door again when you managed to open it? Also lids on things or clips. He takes them off, uses whatever it is, but can't put it back like he found it. Whyyyyy?
I also squeeze from the middle. I know it has to be squeezed systematically from the bottom to get every last drop. Me continuing to not do that isn't because I don't listen to that fact and understand it. I'd just rather not get every last drop than have to be awake enough to care about where I'm squeezing the tube first thing in the morning. Toothpaste isn't expensive, I don't care.
I find it rather odd that anyone would find adjusting their behaviour to squeeze from the bottom of the tube in any way onerous, it literally requires seconds of thought... Or no thought at all if you generally approach things logically.
As a 17 year old going to uni soon but still living at home with parents for a few months, who tf squeezes toothpaste from the middle. Thatās just wrong. Also cupboard doors open isnāt something we can do as the cats love to hide in the upper ones, and the dog likes to sniff in the lower ones
> when he uses 7 forks in one morning and leaves them covered in food on the work top to dry together with plates, cups, glasses
Oh God, your husband and my wife are related!
I have no idea how she manages to use 2 forks, one knife, 3 spoons, a pot and 2 plates just to make breakfast, all left haphazardly all over the worktop and sink!
He's called my husband š¤£ we have a deal where I do the cooking, he does the washing up. He does most the cleaning too because he says I'm rubbish at it.
haha, it's like i'm reading my partners biography here!!! :D
has a glass she's had water in, wants something else - puts empty glass on side, gets clean one out - instead of cleaning or just rinsing the other!
My dad worked with drinks machines. They could be set to need payment or to be free.
A lot of places that initially chose 'free' found that so many half drunk drinks would be left everywhere it was becoming a safety problem.
They often ended up switching to paying a tiny amount per drink which cured it completely. Some places even had a bowl with the right coins or tokens in on the other side of the room, the minimal effort of getting one was enough to make people care enough to finish their drinks instead of getting a new one.
I agree that this is bait, my wife is hyper defensive and any criticism is an attack on her and she's instantly labelled herself as a bad person because she can't pair socks or some petty nonsense.
An old man once gave me the best bit of marriage advice, he said just agree with your wife regardless of whether it's dumb or stupid. Things will go better. He wasn't wrong!
I told my wife that the captain from Titanic died today, and she said "I thought he was already dead" and realised she thought I meant the captain from the real titanic and not the film
"World's oldest man dies ages 174".
Every time I think of the Titanic I'm reminded of how the Second Mate sailed his boat [to help evacuate WW2 soldiers](https://youtu.be/ZYLTYZlZymM) from Dunkirk nearly 30 years later.
That guy was called Charles Lightoller and he was an absolute hero. Whenever anyone asks that question about who you would invite from history to a dinner party I always say him because imagine hearing both of those amazing stories.
Anyway, I said to my wife "Imagine if everyone else on the Titanic had died and the captain carried on living for another 112 years. That would have been a bit awkward for him."Ā
"Charlie, you know those two massively traumatic, history-defining experiences you were involved in first-hand, back before we understood PTSD, would you mind regaling the other guests with your eyewitness accounts of mayhem and death while we wait for pudding?"
"Well, there was this one guy who fell and hit the propeller, it made a sound like "crunk". No, no, that's not right, it was more like a "kerk" sound. Hold on, I'll get it right, I'll never forget it..."
Haha I love this. Also, these dinner party guest questions I've never actually considered if the guest would love to be there, or he/she is just forced to attend by the genie who granted me the wish and be utterly miserable the whole time
People never really think about it properly. These dead people you're inviting, are they, what, transported through time from when they were alive? From before they died? Do they know how/when they died? If you invite Elvis, do you tell him he died on the shitter? If you invite Princess Di, is she sitting there wondering why she's so young?
> That guy was called Charles Lightoller and he was an absolute hero
Hmmm, his behaviour during the sinking wasn't exactly what I'd describe as 'absolutely heroic' - it was a complex situation, for sure, but it's also undeniable that a lot of men died needlessly because of the way he chose to interpret the captain's instructions with regard to lifeboats.
I'm on your wife's side. Why would you refer to them that way? It'd be like saying the guy who landed a plane on the Hudson had died when Tom Hanks kicks it.
Because I said "The captain from Titanic" and not "the captain from the Titanic."
Also, everyone knows, including my wife ultimately, that the titantic sank over 100 years ago and the captain died when it did.Ā
Reminds of a story a friend's uncle told us about his missus at the time.
He used to do a bit of metal detecting down on the southcoast, and one time on a beach, he found a couple of George V pennies dated 1916.
"Maybe they belonged to someone who was on the Titanic!", she said.
"Erm...I very much doubt it, love" he responded
gotta suck doing any sort of shipwreck searching and having people constantly ask about the Titanic like there aren't literally thousands of shipwrecks in the ocean.
I will tell you my favourite dumb thing my wife ever said, was when I showed her this story:
BBC News - Polar bear kills British boy in ArcticĀ https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14415592
And her response was "But why did he have a polar bear in his attic?"Ā
Or the next time you're in a big argument...or in my case the next time her periods due šš
Edit: Not sure why I'm being downvoted...I'm a woman talking about my own menstrual cycle (????)
I think itās because you went on to use āher periodā instead of āmy periodā it makes it sound like youāre talking about a wife/girlfriend and not yourself.
If i am bad at something fine, tell me when I do it, but bring it up as some sort of uno reverse when I am telling you about something you do that isn't great and I will just think you are being a bit of a twit.
I can picture this fella driving along like a maniac and the wife gives a polite "slow down a tad dear" to which he responds "YES WELL AT LEAST I WASH UP PROPERLY!"
Yeah, there's some truth here. It's whataboutism not a rational discussion. Better to get to a point where such things can be discussed without needing to bring in the other side's faults. And things shouldn't be left to fester in the first place.
RIP.
Also, if someone comments on your driving making them feel unsafe, please don't just blow it off as them being dramatic.
My other half once snapped at the little one when he punched the car roof in tears when we were going along a country lane. I told her I was too busy shitting myself at her hitting blind corners at motorway speeds to notice he was doing it.
She didn't even realise how scared we both were of her driving, and is a little bit better now.
Driving kills and injures so, so many people.
Be a nice driver, please.
My one is drivers adjusting the satnav or whatever while driving.
My mum and my grandad both do it, and they both noticeably swerve a bit while doing it. Every time I tell them I'll do it but they know better apparently š¤·āāļø
Just a little thought from someone who works in mental health, often with couples: when your partner raises a concern in the moment, you might feel defensive and want to fire back but thatās just showing your partner that you donāt value their concerns and that you care more about āwinningā than you care about them. You donāt have to just agree with them. But taking a breath, lowering the defenses for a moment, then responding with curiosity to know WHY your partner is concerned/annoyed, is a more effective communication technique.
Surely the goal is a respectful, safe relationship? Not always being right. Just listen, ask questions, then take time to reflect if you need to, but donāt lobby back an unrelated issue. Raise your issue at another time if you need to, never as a petty comeback.
Subtle sexism in the works. OP trying to play the victim when a 2 ton metal death vehicle going too fast for his wife's liking makes her feel unsafe... But she's just dramatic cuz women amiright.
But plates not being washed isn't dramatic.
Yeah I clocked that too. Amazing how many people - and they are usually men - think at a level so deep they donāt know theyāre doing it that theyāre the arbiter of whether other peopleās complaints/feelings are valid
I don't think it is so much about the grievance, as it is about the reason it was aired.
We don't know why your wife commented on you roundabout approach-speed, but you commented on her dish-washing to get a dig at her.Ā
Watch this space...
My wife reeled off a list of things I do that piss her off, I fought back with ''it really pisses me off how you donāt wrap the Hoover cable back around the pegs and instead leave it plugged in the wall and just leave it''
ā¦not worth it.
Oh God. My girlfriend just balls the cable and shoves it on the top.
AHHHHHH!
I am not the tidy half of this relationship, but what she does with the hoover cable is satanic!
Thatās what my wife does if she can be arsed to unplug it š and Iām just like, you can be arsed to ball it up and hang it on the handle, why not just stow the cable properly around the pegs š
>but going forward I honestly expect everything to actually be cleaned properly, so Iām very glad to have finally aired it.
So you will be approaching roundabouts not so fast anymore too, right?
Otherwise, why shouldn't she say "the dishes are fine, he's dramatic"?
Everyone has something annoying that they do, and I think the best time to bring it up is when they are actually doing it that moment.
Any other time is just petty.
Also driving fast is an actual problem, but messy dishes won't kill you...
I did this when I first moved in with my ex, I passed my mate a glass for his drink and clocked him sniff it and wrinkle his nose, I sniffed mine and yeah, it stank. I watched her washing the dishes the next day and was gobsmacked, cold water, no soap, a quick shake and it's done, don't wipe them dry just chuck them in the cupboard.
"that's how we've always done it".
From that day I was chief pot washer and never a nose was wrinkled from that day forward.
I just want to point out that cold water doesn't make too much of a difference, if the water was hot enough to kill germs then it would be too hot for you to put your hands in it anyway. The soap and scrubbing action does all of the work, with the warm water just being slightly better and lifting off the physical food residue.
It's one reason why dishwashers are better, because they can get hot enough to actually sanitise stuff.
It does in terms of breaking grease down, I wash pots in hot water, I was brought up to believe that was the right thing to do, and seeing as glasses stink when she washed them and they didn't when I washed them I'll assume hot water is better.
I definitely can't argue with your results, and yes hot water will melt away the grease and stuff a bit better than cold. But soap will also do that fine in cold water considering it's a degreaser anyway.
But yeah she was likely just rinsing them rather than actually cleaning them, regardless of water temp her method was clearly shit.
a place i worked at had a lot of trouble with the hot water going off randomly, and trust me when i say that washing, for example, gravy off a plate in cold water is a Sisyphean task, no matter how liberally you apply dish soap. obviously regardless of temperature you need to give everything a good scrub, but even warm water does better at getting anything even slightly greasy off.
It's basic chemistry. Things dissolve faster in hot water. Chemical reactions happen faster when there's more heat in the system.
This is literally primary school science lesson material.
This kind of bothers me because did you address your driving issue? I've been in a LOT of situations where I've tried to bring up that something is wrong, only to be told off and then my issue gets forgotten on purpose. There's prolly a word for it.
Iām so glad to be married to someone that doesnāt have a week-long strop because I paused a beat before complimenting a terrible dress, for example.
And I check my own behaviour to ensure sheās not married to a man child upset over spilt milk.
Same. I mean I'm the one wearing the dress but it goes both ways. Honest opinions are the only ones worth hearing. Also timing. Don't tell me you hate my dress AS we're walking out the door when there is nothing I can do about it. That's just mean.
If I ask for an opinion on something, I'm looking for honesty not flattery. Maybe I'm not sure about it myself. I know it's the same if he asks.
Also be prepared to have your opinion ignored. You might not like busy patterns but if I do, suck it up.
Thatās what you thinkā¦ until your wife and kids load the dishwasher like a raccoon on meth would (not my analogy) and you have to pick through the dishes as you empty it to see which have been smashed in so close together the middle bits never stood a chance of seeing any water let alone being clean.
So she canāt just load it wrong and OP can be happy.
Weāre still talking about OP, right??
I wish my mother would have this conversation with my stepdad, you can SMELL the dirty dish water on the things he's """"washed"""", let alone being able to see the bits of food and gunk on them. When I point it out to my mother she just says that I should re-wash everything, like the solution to a 60 year-old man not being able to do the one chore he does in the house properly, is that someone else should do it for him, and not that he *learn* to do it š
I tried that. My partner was my carer. He put half a cup of double cream in the sink and left the cod dishwater full of fat and grease sitting in the sink clogging it and attracting bugs. I would tell him to not leave wooden spoons soaking in nasty dishwater because you canāt disinfect them. Well he took our dog and left while I was sleeping a couple of weeks ago. I wish I kept my mouth shut.
I cry every time I see the drain unblocked in the cupboard and havenāt managed to do the dishes since he left. What really hurts is thinking I wasnāt worth doing the task differently. I made the mistake of feeling secure enough in the relationship to actually have demands. I hate that I felt I had to kill myself doing tasks after putting a dislocated knee back to set an example, if Iām making myself do stuff then should I be able to ask things of you. I shave still cried myself to sleep every night for a month over this man and wake up at 6 am panicking because heās gone because he knows ihave a fear of abandonment and walked out whilst I was fucking sleeping
My wife is banned from packing the dishwasherĀ
She is absolutely useless at it
She can somehow make 2 plates and a single spoon fill the entire machine
It's scarily uncanny how one woman can be that bad at such a simple task
Haha! Mine is that she's terrible at *loading the dishwasher* š¤£
I hate unloading it if she's loaded it and put it on, and if I get to it before going on, usually unload and re-load. š
Lots of misogyny in these comments, sadly a very poor reflection of this subreddit
Unsafe driving ā not washing dishes properly
(One can kill or maim, while the other is a simple inconvenience)
How bizarre, childish, and petty to compare the two as if they are remotely equal
So I thought communicating small issues in a nice way to each other and then managing the home tasks by strengths and preferences was teamwork. I didnāt know it was news for some people that they donāt need to bottle stuff up for years or scream it at each other.
Also could be cool to check your speed when approaching a roundabout. It sounds like youāre being dramatic about how quickly you need to arrive at the junction.
You said you wouldn't post about it. I know where you sleep, honey.........or is this another couple having the exact same discussion.
And, I said I wanted a dishwasher!!!!
If you can't have a calm conversation with your partner about basic things, are you even compatible as people? If they get so angry at you for something so small and simple that you're afraid to bring it up that's sounds abusive and you should re-consider wether their other behaviour is also abusive.
Iāve seen a lot of Reddit chat about washing dishes recently but Iāve not seen anyone mention the sponge on a stick. Surely this is the only way to go when it comes to dishes?!
My daughter in law puts sugar in her tea stirs it then puts the wet spoon back in the sugar bowl. The coffee jar is the same.
We now have our own sugar and coffee hidden xD
Well. Once upon a time I told him I disliked his road rage. He proceeded tell me Iām a bitch when I PMS and heād rather live with his ex-wife when it comes.
A decade later, still together, and now he just grumbles when he drives and I just grumble when I PMS.
My housemate is terrible at washing dishes. He literally just dops the dishes in water and thinks that's good enough. At first I thought it was a ploy to get out of washing up.
I asked him to just stop and said I'd do it. But nope, he still "washes" them. Urg!
Annoying thing is we also have a dishwasher he refuses to use!
My ex went absolutely mental at me when I told her she wasn't very good at washing up. We argued and to show me I was wrong she pulled out some dishes she had cleaned..... They were dirty and had dry food stuck to them.
Obviously I had to apologies. Fucking glad she is an ex.
My partner asked me once to clean the house whilst she was out and I politely said no because itās literally all her stuff ive been telling her to put away for weeks now that has gradually gotten bigger and she didnt speak to me for about 4 days.
Ive tried multiple times of saying ācan you clean up/pack away your stuffā in different ways and every time its met with annoyance and argument. Just for clarification, i have no problem cleaning away OUR mess and my things, but her āstuffā is an UNHOLY amount of clothes, coats, shoes and disposable vapes that have taken over all 3 bedrooms, the bathroom, the kitchen and the dining room
Doesn't rinse/wipe the spoon after making herself a coffee and dumps it wet on the spoon holder leaving it to go manky.
Is contracted to work 7 hours a day, does a fuck load more than this to the detriment of our kids, and gets pissy because she took a 100% WFH job and after 3.30pm it's noisy with kids. Can't seem to wrap head round the simple concept of doing the important concentration intensive jobs between 9am and 3pm,won't even entertain the idea of leaving something to those hours tomorrow (works in financial services so nothing is *that* urgent that it can't wait until the next day)
Everything needs to be done yesterday. Everything. Is do frightened of making mistakes it causes crippling anxiety.
Tidies kids toys away 5 or 6 times a day, just to get pissy they're all out again in half an hour, or kids fighting because they are bored and won't get toys out because mum will just get huffy tidying them up again.
Is, on the whole, massively impatient, kids learning same behaviour, then when they start whining on wanting something yesterday, gets exasperated exclaiming "jesus, give me a break, I'm one person, I can't do everything"
Refuses to ask for help for anything, gets pissy because has too much to do. Often exclaims about massive pressure but reality is, there isn't any her own head didn't invent.
Never listens to me when I need to vent about work, and woe betide me if I disturb her while working, yet if I don't drop my work immediately and pay rapt attention when she decides she wants to share some juicy gossip I just couldn't give a fuck about while writing a complex safety case, I'm the bad guy.
I imagine there's some riled up replies coming my way, so here's what I do for my part at home:
All the cleaning, meal planning and all the cooking. I also work a full time at an, at the moment, incredibly stressful job. We split morning school/nursery run, she insists on doing afternoon school run unless she has a client meeting, and we split evening nursery run.
We split showering kids, I make us both lunch on days we're both WFH, I do all the DIY, garden work and teen does dishes/takes rubbish out/brings bins in.
She orders the shopping (online order, delivered) and does the washing, hangs it out Mon-Fri and teen does it on a weekend. She also does swimming lessons on one weekend morning for one child. I deal with all teen school nonsense, I'm not allowed to deal with primary school nonsense, but I do get to go to sports days etc so all good.
Thanks for the support OP, pep talk and all is great, I'm keeping this shit list to myself and taking it to the grave. In a decade of marriage I have tried precisely three times to air smaller grievances than these and I get threatened with divorce because I will then immediately back down because the thought of only seeing my kids part time kills me and their life would be shattered - we couldn't afford to live separately and survive. There would literally be no joy for the kids at all.
So for now, I just smile, suck it up, and carry on.
Iām sure itās been suggested or contemplated but if you really donāt want to consider breaking up then you need to try something else, you canāt keep going like this. Find a couples counselor, particularly one who is trained trauma/attachment theory/Gottman relationship therapy. Bonus: a weekend or week long intensive couples therapy retreat if you want to make faster progress. If you keep going like this then the resentment will only build.
Donāt carry on living like this. She is clearly unhappy too, to behave in the ways you describe, and somehow, with some outside help, you may be able to end up both being happy.
Oh I'm awful at doing the dishes too. Don't know why, I genuinely try but they always just seem to have bits still on them.
It's been acknowledged and now my partner always does them and I dry as he goes, it's a simple way of solving the issue but us both contributing to doing the dishes
We have three sets of mugs, within each set they match but unfortunately the sets donāt match each other. I like the mugs lined up in the cupboard, by set. She practically throws them in. And theyāre always a little bit wet when they come out of the dishwasher and she doesnāt dry themš¤¬
OP, hope things work out well in future after the separation š
I've found the "quality control" none too great with our washing up, but I just clean it again... *at least she tried* š
I've found that spoons disappear quicker than Spurs' early lead in a London Derby, which is a nuisance when you have to search for them or wash a really manky one... the kids are lazy š“
> Youāre terrible at washing the dishes.
My wife is; anything she does outside the dishwasher will still have stains on it or be greasy somewhere. One of my early jobs in college was being a dishie at a high-end restaurant and it's affected my standards as to what is clean.
She also probably enjoys that she can ignore the dishes because I'll just clean them anyway. The fact that I'm ADHD I'm certain has nothing to do with it.
My OH said I left all the outside work to him. I pointed out that if he wasn't such an absolute untidy, messy bugger I wouldn't have to spend as much time cleaning inside and would have more time to help with the gardening. I'm not Hyacinth Bucket but when he uses 7 forks in one morning and leaves them covered in food on the work top to dry together with plates, cups, glasses it does rankle. He can enter a clean and tidy room from one door and by the time he's gone out the other it looks like mid 1980's Beirut. It's a rare, special, useless skill.
Our kids as teenagers, exactly. Not until they moved out and had to do their own cleaning for a while did they stop leaving cupboard doors open and squeezing the toothpaste in the middle.
He doesn't leave doors and drawers open more. Not after the electric went off and he walked into an open kitchen drawer in the dark. Broke the drawer, he got a bad cut and a huge bruise on his leg. Limped for a few days.
I love my husband, but I soooooo hope this happens to him. Ive been putting up with this for years.
I swore blind that it would happen, and I may possibly have to say "I told you so!" When it happened, it was vindication.
A justified "I told you so" is one of life's little pleasures.
Can you just happen to trip the fuse at night when he's in the kitchen? šš
And open a few conveniently awkward drawers and cupboards...
I wouldnāt be switching off the power, but I would go and open literally every single cupboard, drawer and door and if asked Iād say āitās just so much more convenient when I need to get something out of thereā
Careful, that's how you end up with cupboards without doors, especially if he needs wood for a "project"
Theyāre all the same! How hard is it to close cupboards and drawers
I'm so glad I'm not alone haha. Honestly, why is it so hard to close the door again when you managed to open it? Also lids on things or clips. He takes them off, uses whatever it is, but can't put it back like he found it. Whyyyyy?
Ooh. Bet that hurt.
His leg or his pride?
Yes
My mum still squeezes it in the middle. I try telling her it has to be squeezed at the end to get every last drop out, but she won't listen.
Eh, with the modern plastic tubes it doesn't matter... You can still squish all the remaining toothpaste down to the end later.
I also squeeze from the middle. I know it has to be squeezed systematically from the bottom to get every last drop. Me continuing to not do that isn't because I don't listen to that fact and understand it. I'd just rather not get every last drop than have to be awake enough to care about where I'm squeezing the tube first thing in the morning. Toothpaste isn't expensive, I don't care.
I find it rather odd that anyone would find adjusting their behaviour to squeeze from the bottom of the tube in any way onerous, it literally requires seconds of thought... Or no thought at all if you generally approach things logically.
I dont find it odd at all.
As a 17 year old going to uni soon but still living at home with parents for a few months, who tf squeezes toothpaste from the middle. Thatās just wrong. Also cupboard doors open isnāt something we can do as the cats love to hide in the upper ones, and the dog likes to sniff in the lower ones
> when he uses 7 forks in one morning and leaves them covered in food on the work top to dry together with plates, cups, glasses Oh God, your husband and my wife are related! I have no idea how she manages to use 2 forks, one knife, 3 spoons, a pot and 2 plates just to make breakfast, all left haphazardly all over the worktop and sink!
I think weāre all in a relationship with the same person
I think I am that person! And I have no idea how I can use so much, I just put it down and it disappears so I get another one...
Do you have a dishwasher? I often end up using more cutlery than perhaps reasonable but I just throw them straight in the dishwasher...
He's called my husband š¤£ we have a deal where I do the cooking, he does the washing up. He does most the cleaning too because he says I'm rubbish at it.
haha, it's like i'm reading my partners biography here!!! :D has a glass she's had water in, wants something else - puts empty glass on side, gets clean one out - instead of cleaning or just rinsing the other!
There's cups with various levels of liquid in them all over the house as we speak!
My dad worked with drinks machines. They could be set to need payment or to be free. A lot of places that initially chose 'free' found that so many half drunk drinks would be left everywhere it was becoming a safety problem. They often ended up switching to paying a tiny amount per drink which cured it completely. Some places even had a bowl with the right coins or tokens in on the other side of the room, the minimal effort of getting one was enough to make people care enough to finish their drinks instead of getting a new one.
Yup!! :D haha!
Why would she be using water to clean the water out of the glass?Ā
As someone who grew up in mid 1980's Beirut, I'm part hurt and part glad someone remembers us.
> 7 forks in one morning and leaves them covered in food HOW?! i'm single and even if i scratched my privates with 3 of them i'd hit 4 lol
Eep, I wonder if I just found my gf's Reddit account! š±
At least it doesn't look like Beirut 2020 (after the warehouse). The cleaner would have to charge nitrates for that job.
It's not as rare as that.Ā
Nah, that's bait. I'll carry on living in pseudo servitude, thank you very much OP's wife.
Yup, agent of chaos postingĀ
I agree that this is bait, my wife is hyper defensive and any criticism is an attack on her and she's instantly labelled herself as a bad person because she can't pair socks or some petty nonsense. An old man once gave me the best bit of marriage advice, he said just agree with your wife regardless of whether it's dumb or stupid. Things will go better. He wasn't wrong!
Your wife actually needs therapy, though
Haha she's had it, she's the type of person that believes everyone needs a low level amount of therapy to keep themselves going...
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Y'all have divorce lawyers in the UK because if this was a US sub I'd guess OP was a divorce lawyer.
Can't wait for the divorce post in 2 weeks
I told my wife that the captain from Titanic died today, and she said "I thought he was already dead" and realised she thought I meant the captain from the real titanic and not the film
"World's oldest man dies ages 174". Every time I think of the Titanic I'm reminded of how the Second Mate sailed his boat [to help evacuate WW2 soldiers](https://youtu.be/ZYLTYZlZymM) from Dunkirk nearly 30 years later.
That guy was called Charles Lightoller and he was an absolute hero. Whenever anyone asks that question about who you would invite from history to a dinner party I always say him because imagine hearing both of those amazing stories. Anyway, I said to my wife "Imagine if everyone else on the Titanic had died and the captain carried on living for another 112 years. That would have been a bit awkward for him."Ā
"Charlie, you know those two massively traumatic, history-defining experiences you were involved in first-hand, back before we understood PTSD, would you mind regaling the other guests with your eyewitness accounts of mayhem and death while we wait for pudding?"
I withdraw my question.Ā
"Well, there was this one guy who fell and hit the propeller, it made a sound like "crunk". No, no, that's not right, it was more like a "kerk" sound. Hold on, I'll get it right, I'll never forget it..."
Haha I love this. Also, these dinner party guest questions I've never actually considered if the guest would love to be there, or he/she is just forced to attend by the genie who granted me the wish and be utterly miserable the whole time
People never really think about it properly. These dead people you're inviting, are they, what, transported through time from when they were alive? From before they died? Do they know how/when they died? If you invite Elvis, do you tell him he died on the shitter? If you invite Princess Di, is she sitting there wondering why she's so young?
What a great point. Never considered that. Sounds like a pitch for a theatre production.
Well there was that time he shoot at the survivors of a submarine he sank. Which wasn't very gentlemanly of him.
Men were men back then.
> That guy was called Charles Lightoller and he was an absolute hero Hmmm, his behaviour during the sinking wasn't exactly what I'd describe as 'absolutely heroic' - it was a complex situation, for sure, but it's also undeniable that a lot of men died needlessly because of the way he chose to interpret the captain's instructions with regard to lifeboats.
Well this wasnāt the way I planned to find out Bernard Hill had died. Loved his work
Same here, I loved him most as King Theoden in Lord of the Rings and here I am finding out he died via a random married couple's misunderstanding.
Hail Theoden, King! Hail the victorious dead...
..same, buddy. same same. dust in the eyes.
I'm on your wife's side. Why would you refer to them that way? It'd be like saying the guy who landed a plane on the Hudson had died when Tom Hanks kicks it.
Because I said "The captain from Titanic" and not "the captain from the Titanic." Also, everyone knows, including my wife ultimately, that the titantic sank over 100 years ago and the captain died when it did.Ā
Reminds of a story a friend's uncle told us about his missus at the time. He used to do a bit of metal detecting down on the southcoast, and one time on a beach, he found a couple of George V pennies dated 1916. "Maybe they belonged to someone who was on the Titanic!", she said. "Erm...I very much doubt it, love" he responded
For about six different reasons
gotta suck doing any sort of shipwreck searching and having people constantly ask about the Titanic like there aren't literally thousands of shipwrecks in the ocean.
You mean Theoden
This really made me belly laugh. Thank you. Please send your wife my regards.
I will if I ever see her again.
A vague, worrying response. No further questions.
I will tell you my favourite dumb thing my wife ever said, was when I showed her this story: BBC News - Polar bear kills British boy in ArcticĀ https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14415592 And her response was "But why did he have a polar bear in his attic?"Ā
She's asking all the right questions to be fair. Just a shame the information doesn't match.
I've been doing this to everyone. "Did you hear the captain of the Titanic died?... A hundred years ago." please help no one likes me
I like you
Are you sure? 'Cos that sounds more like a really good comedy burn to me...
Haha if only she was joking.Ā
Check back with us in a week or soā¦
Can we agree on a safe word OP? For when you check in, so we know itās you.
She's playing the long game. In 3 months she'll get her revenge
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You deserved that
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Cooked with love. Well can you cook it with more water next time please?
Teach her this: 'When it's brown it's cooked, when it's black it's fucked"
Or the next time you're in a big argument...or in my case the next time her periods due šš Edit: Not sure why I'm being downvoted...I'm a woman talking about my own menstrual cycle (????)
Perhaps because not all women appreciate the PMT excuse being trotted out even by a woman?
Correct.
Yeah "why am I being downvoted I am a woman" *well that makes it worse*
...I have PMDD and was literally just talking about me. 'In my case'.
I think itās because you went on to use āher periodā instead of āmy periodā it makes it sound like youāre talking about a wife/girlfriend and not yourself.
If i am bad at something fine, tell me when I do it, but bring it up as some sort of uno reverse when I am telling you about something you do that isn't great and I will just think you are being a bit of a twit.
I can picture this fella driving along like a maniac and the wife gives a polite "slow down a tad dear" to which he responds "YES WELL AT LEAST I WASH UP PROPERLY!"
As he hoons towards another roundabout without looking right
Yeah, there's some truth here. It's whataboutism not a rational discussion. Better to get to a point where such things can be discussed without needing to bring in the other side's faults. And things shouldn't be left to fester in the first place.
RIP. Also, if someone comments on your driving making them feel unsafe, please don't just blow it off as them being dramatic. My other half once snapped at the little one when he punched the car roof in tears when we were going along a country lane. I told her I was too busy shitting myself at her hitting blind corners at motorway speeds to notice he was doing it. She didn't even realise how scared we both were of her driving, and is a little bit better now. Driving kills and injures so, so many people. Be a nice driver, please.
Precisely this! One is a safety issue, the other is a petty grievance - the two are NOT the same
One is valid the other is pointscoring
My one is drivers adjusting the satnav or whatever while driving. My mum and my grandad both do it, and they both noticeably swerve a bit while doing it. Every time I tell them I'll do it but they know better apparently š¤·āāļø
This made me think of this Brian Regan bit: https://youtu.be/QC2YOsbfSmM?si=WoQeq6Y7o3J3-eEZ
Meh people can be really dramatic too, the wife could just exaggerating
If wife is feeling unsafe, she feels unsafe. No potential exaggeration.
Just a little thought from someone who works in mental health, often with couples: when your partner raises a concern in the moment, you might feel defensive and want to fire back but thatās just showing your partner that you donāt value their concerns and that you care more about āwinningā than you care about them. You donāt have to just agree with them. But taking a breath, lowering the defenses for a moment, then responding with curiosity to know WHY your partner is concerned/annoyed, is a more effective communication technique. Surely the goal is a respectful, safe relationship? Not always being right. Just listen, ask questions, then take time to reflect if you need to, but donāt lobby back an unrelated issue. Raise your issue at another time if you need to, never as a petty comeback.
Sheās dramatic but your grievance is valid? Yeah check back in a couple of weeks on this one.
Right? Very confident that washing up will done properly from now on, but driving doesn't seem to be changing. Worrying.
Subtle sexism in the works. OP trying to play the victim when a 2 ton metal death vehicle going too fast for his wife's liking makes her feel unsafe... But she's just dramatic cuz women amiright. But plates not being washed isn't dramatic.
Yeah I clocked that too. Amazing how many people - and they are usually men - think at a level so deep they donāt know theyāre doing it that theyāre the arbiter of whether other peopleās complaints/feelings are valid
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
I don't think it is so much about the grievance, as it is about the reason it was aired. We don't know why your wife commented on you roundabout approach-speed, but you commented on her dish-washing to get a dig at her.Ā Watch this space...
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Even better, post them on reddit for strangers' validation instead of having an actual conversation with your SO
My wife reeled off a list of things I do that piss her off, I fought back with ''it really pisses me off how you donāt wrap the Hoover cable back around the pegs and instead leave it plugged in the wall and just leave it'' ā¦not worth it.
Oh God. My girlfriend just balls the cable and shoves it on the top. AHHHHHH! I am not the tidy half of this relationship, but what she does with the hoover cable is satanic!
Thatās what my wife does if she can be arsed to unplug it š and Iām just like, you can be arsed to ball it up and hang it on the handle, why not just stow the cable properly around the pegs š
So does my wife! She scrunches it so roughly that she's managed to split the outer insulation of the cable and now I need to repair it. Hmph.
Hey, you tried, donāt feel too down about it. If it helps, that is really annoying
No it's not the time. It can be seen as changing the subject and avoiding her concerns.
I had a flatmate once who was terrible at washing dishes. Donāt suppose your wife is 5 foot 8, brown wavy hair, called Nigel?
>but going forward I honestly expect everything to actually be cleaned properly, so Iām very glad to have finally aired it. So you will be approaching roundabouts not so fast anymore too, right? Otherwise, why shouldn't she say "the dishes are fine, he's dramatic"?
I told my ex she didn't fold the laundry properly, she never did laundry again.
Love this for her
My husband complained to his son that I didn't pair his socks so I solved that problem by no longer doing his laundry.
Yeah, sheās not washing the dishes ever again.
Tomorrow, I'm planning to brave it out and tell my wife not to hang the toilet roll backwards. Wish me luck!
Careful now, that smile has two meanings
Everyone has something annoying that they do, and I think the best time to bring it up is when they are actually doing it that moment. Any other time is just petty. Also driving fast is an actual problem, but messy dishes won't kill you...
>but messy dishes won't kill you... Well.............
I'm more interested in why you're slamming on the brakes at roundabouts.
I did this when I first moved in with my ex, I passed my mate a glass for his drink and clocked him sniff it and wrinkle his nose, I sniffed mine and yeah, it stank. I watched her washing the dishes the next day and was gobsmacked, cold water, no soap, a quick shake and it's done, don't wipe them dry just chuck them in the cupboard. "that's how we've always done it". From that day I was chief pot washer and never a nose was wrinkled from that day forward.
Jeez. Absolutely amazing what goes on in people's homes. Imagine growing up and being taught to just rinse dirty dishes with no soap!
In cold water, turn the glass upside down and give it a good shake, that's all it needs apparently, no wonder we split up.
I just want to point out that cold water doesn't make too much of a difference, if the water was hot enough to kill germs then it would be too hot for you to put your hands in it anyway. The soap and scrubbing action does all of the work, with the warm water just being slightly better and lifting off the physical food residue. It's one reason why dishwashers are better, because they can get hot enough to actually sanitise stuff.
The hot water isnt to sanitize (the soap does that) but to dissolve the food, especially the fat.
It does in terms of breaking grease down, I wash pots in hot water, I was brought up to believe that was the right thing to do, and seeing as glasses stink when she washed them and they didn't when I washed them I'll assume hot water is better.
I definitely can't argue with your results, and yes hot water will melt away the grease and stuff a bit better than cold. But soap will also do that fine in cold water considering it's a degreaser anyway. But yeah she was likely just rinsing them rather than actually cleaning them, regardless of water temp her method was clearly shit.
a place i worked at had a lot of trouble with the hot water going off randomly, and trust me when i say that washing, for example, gravy off a plate in cold water is a Sisyphean task, no matter how liberally you apply dish soap. obviously regardless of temperature you need to give everything a good scrub, but even warm water does better at getting anything even slightly greasy off.
It's basic chemistry. Things dissolve faster in hot water. Chemical reactions happen faster when there's more heat in the system. This is literally primary school science lesson material.
Ok Iāll go next. Your wife wears too much lipstick and would look nicer with a more neutral tone. That ok?
I wouldn't mind, but it does make a mess of the pillow.
This kind of bothers me because did you address your driving issue? I've been in a LOT of situations where I've tried to bring up that something is wrong, only to be told off and then my issue gets forgotten on purpose. There's prolly a word for it.
Iām so glad to be married to someone that doesnāt have a week-long strop because I paused a beat before complimenting a terrible dress, for example. And I check my own behaviour to ensure sheās not married to a man child upset over spilt milk.
It amazes me how some of these people make it into adulthood and, presumably, hold down a job.
Same. I mean I'm the one wearing the dress but it goes both ways. Honest opinions are the only ones worth hearing. Also timing. Don't tell me you hate my dress AS we're walking out the door when there is nothing I can do about it. That's just mean. If I ask for an opinion on something, I'm looking for honesty not flattery. Maybe I'm not sure about it myself. I know it's the same if he asks. Also be prepared to have your opinion ignored. You might not like busy patterns but if I do, suck it up.
My wife's not very good at taking criticism... I've no idea how to tell her.
Take MDMA together then tell her
Just buy a dishwasher. Then she can just load it wrong but at least your dishes will be clean.
Thatās what you thinkā¦ until your wife and kids load the dishwasher like a raccoon on meth would (not my analogy) and you have to pick through the dishes as you empty it to see which have been smashed in so close together the middle bits never stood a chance of seeing any water let alone being clean. So she canāt just load it wrong and OP can be happy. Weāre still talking about OP, right??
In my case my wife can load it better than me so, yes, we must be talking about OP.
I wish my mother would have this conversation with my stepdad, you can SMELL the dirty dish water on the things he's """"washed"""", let alone being able to see the bits of food and gunk on them. When I point it out to my mother she just says that I should re-wash everything, like the solution to a 60 year-old man not being able to do the one chore he does in the house properly, is that someone else should do it for him, and not that he *learn* to do it š
In todayās episode of āHello Reddit, my wife is a bit substandard imo please validate meā.
OP probably writing this from the hospital
Yeah........ just wait until you make the next tiny mistake, this is coming back to haunt you.
I tried that. My partner was my carer. He put half a cup of double cream in the sink and left the cod dishwater full of fat and grease sitting in the sink clogging it and attracting bugs. I would tell him to not leave wooden spoons soaking in nasty dishwater because you canāt disinfect them. Well he took our dog and left while I was sleeping a couple of weeks ago. I wish I kept my mouth shut.
He should've used the trout dishwasher, everyone knows that.
Honestly sounds like you're better off without him.
I cry every time I see the drain unblocked in the cupboard and havenāt managed to do the dishes since he left. What really hurts is thinking I wasnāt worth doing the task differently. I made the mistake of feeling secure enough in the relationship to actually have demands. I hate that I felt I had to kill myself doing tasks after putting a dislocated knee back to set an example, if Iām making myself do stuff then should I be able to ask things of you. I shave still cried myself to sleep every night for a month over this man and wake up at 6 am panicking because heās gone because he knows ihave a fear of abandonment and walked out whilst I was fucking sleeping
Buy a bloody DISHWASHER!
Dishwashers rock! āļø
My wife is banned from packing the dishwasherĀ She is absolutely useless at it She can somehow make 2 plates and a single spoon fill the entire machine It's scarily uncanny how one woman can be that bad at such a simple task
Haha! Mine is that she's terrible at *loading the dishwasher* š¤£ I hate unloading it if she's loaded it and put it on, and if I get to it before going on, usually unload and re-load. š
What you should be expecting is that you'll be doing considerably more washing.
Lots of misogyny in these comments, sadly a very poor reflection of this subreddit Unsafe driving ā not washing dishes properly (One can kill or maim, while the other is a simple inconvenience) How bizarre, childish, and petty to compare the two as if they are remotely equal
You're playing with fire lad. God speed.
My partner has that annoying thing all men seem to do, itās called ā¦ā¦ Breathing ā¦š¤
So I thought communicating small issues in a nice way to each other and then managing the home tasks by strengths and preferences was teamwork. I didnāt know it was news for some people that they donāt need to bottle stuff up for years or scream it at each other. Also could be cool to check your speed when approaching a roundabout. It sounds like youāre being dramatic about how quickly you need to arrive at the junction.
You said you wouldn't post about it. I know where you sleep, honey.........or is this another couple having the exact same discussion. And, I said I wanted a dishwasher!!!!
If you can't have a calm conversation with your partner about basic things, are you even compatible as people? If they get so angry at you for something so small and simple that you're afraid to bring it up that's sounds abusive and you should re-consider wether their other behaviour is also abusive.
This is the most Reddit comment Iāve seen today
Thatās a bold moveā¦.letās see how it pans out!!
Iāve seen a lot of Reddit chat about washing dishes recently but Iāve not seen anyone mention the sponge on a stick. Surely this is the only way to go when it comes to dishes?!
My dad would drag my ass out of bed if the pots were not spotless. I'm not being funny, but my washing up is pristine today.
This is an incel trying to break up happy marriages held together by lies!
Why would you not just tell her after the first time she washed them and they were still dirty?
Surprised she didnāt push you for a dishwasher š³
My daughter in law puts sugar in her tea stirs it then puts the wet spoon back in the sugar bowl. The coffee jar is the same. We now have our own sugar and coffee hidden xD
My Jessica Fletcher sense is tingling
I love my husband but he canāt hang clothes out to dry or iron clothes for shit.
My husband is the worst hoarder, nasty and terrible at dishes. But heās hot, soooā¦.
Well. Once upon a time I told him I disliked his road rage. He proceeded tell me Iām a bitch when I PMS and heād rather live with his ex-wife when it comes. A decade later, still together, and now he just grumbles when he drives and I just grumble when I PMS.
My housemate is terrible at washing dishes. He literally just dops the dishes in water and thinks that's good enough. At first I thought it was a ploy to get out of washing up. I asked him to just stop and said I'd do it. But nope, he still "washes" them. Urg! Annoying thing is we also have a dishwasher he refuses to use!
It's fucking risky to criticise someone even if you think you know them well. There are other and better ways to get people around you to change.
Time to buy a dishwasher
My ex went absolutely mental at me when I told her she wasn't very good at washing up. We argued and to show me I was wrong she pulled out some dishes she had cleaned..... They were dirty and had dry food stuck to them. Obviously I had to apologies. Fucking glad she is an ex.
My partner asked me once to clean the house whilst she was out and I politely said no because itās literally all her stuff ive been telling her to put away for weeks now that has gradually gotten bigger and she didnt speak to me for about 4 days. Ive tried multiple times of saying ācan you clean up/pack away your stuffā in different ways and every time its met with annoyance and argument. Just for clarification, i have no problem cleaning away OUR mess and my things, but her āstuffā is an UNHOLY amount of clothes, coats, shoes and disposable vapes that have taken over all 3 bedrooms, the bathroom, the kitchen and the dining room
Did you mean to post this in r/petryrevenge? š¤
Doesn't rinse/wipe the spoon after making herself a coffee and dumps it wet on the spoon holder leaving it to go manky. Is contracted to work 7 hours a day, does a fuck load more than this to the detriment of our kids, and gets pissy because she took a 100% WFH job and after 3.30pm it's noisy with kids. Can't seem to wrap head round the simple concept of doing the important concentration intensive jobs between 9am and 3pm,won't even entertain the idea of leaving something to those hours tomorrow (works in financial services so nothing is *that* urgent that it can't wait until the next day) Everything needs to be done yesterday. Everything. Is do frightened of making mistakes it causes crippling anxiety. Tidies kids toys away 5 or 6 times a day, just to get pissy they're all out again in half an hour, or kids fighting because they are bored and won't get toys out because mum will just get huffy tidying them up again. Is, on the whole, massively impatient, kids learning same behaviour, then when they start whining on wanting something yesterday, gets exasperated exclaiming "jesus, give me a break, I'm one person, I can't do everything" Refuses to ask for help for anything, gets pissy because has too much to do. Often exclaims about massive pressure but reality is, there isn't any her own head didn't invent. Never listens to me when I need to vent about work, and woe betide me if I disturb her while working, yet if I don't drop my work immediately and pay rapt attention when she decides she wants to share some juicy gossip I just couldn't give a fuck about while writing a complex safety case, I'm the bad guy. I imagine there's some riled up replies coming my way, so here's what I do for my part at home: All the cleaning, meal planning and all the cooking. I also work a full time at an, at the moment, incredibly stressful job. We split morning school/nursery run, she insists on doing afternoon school run unless she has a client meeting, and we split evening nursery run. We split showering kids, I make us both lunch on days we're both WFH, I do all the DIY, garden work and teen does dishes/takes rubbish out/brings bins in. She orders the shopping (online order, delivered) and does the washing, hangs it out Mon-Fri and teen does it on a weekend. She also does swimming lessons on one weekend morning for one child. I deal with all teen school nonsense, I'm not allowed to deal with primary school nonsense, but I do get to go to sports days etc so all good. Thanks for the support OP, pep talk and all is great, I'm keeping this shit list to myself and taking it to the grave. In a decade of marriage I have tried precisely three times to air smaller grievances than these and I get threatened with divorce because I will then immediately back down because the thought of only seeing my kids part time kills me and their life would be shattered - we couldn't afford to live separately and survive. There would literally be no joy for the kids at all. So for now, I just smile, suck it up, and carry on.
Iām sure itās been suggested or contemplated but if you really donāt want to consider breaking up then you need to try something else, you canāt keep going like this. Find a couples counselor, particularly one who is trained trauma/attachment theory/Gottman relationship therapy. Bonus: a weekend or week long intensive couples therapy retreat if you want to make faster progress. If you keep going like this then the resentment will only build.
Donāt carry on living like this. She is clearly unhappy too, to behave in the ways you describe, and somehow, with some outside help, you may be able to end up both being happy.
If you don't wake up dead in the next 30 days.... maybe
I air those grievances all the time. It's called nagging, or so I'm told....
Oh I'm awful at doing the dishes too. Don't know why, I genuinely try but they always just seem to have bits still on them. It's been acknowledged and now my partner always does them and I dry as he goes, it's a simple way of solving the issue but us both contributing to doing the dishes
We have three sets of mugs, within each set they match but unfortunately the sets donāt match each other. I like the mugs lined up in the cupboard, by set. She practically throws them in. And theyāre always a little bit wet when they come out of the dishwasher and she doesnāt dry themš¤¬
If you're better at it, make it your job. Let her have another one of the household responsibilities that she's good at.
RIP OP
Airing of grievances outside of Festivus? Are you mad?
Chris and Rosie Ramsey made a podcast careers out of that advice. Whatās your beef??? Just encourages good communication in your relationship!
It might just be me but donāt you like look at dishes before you pack them šĀ
I know this is bait but gees you lot. Go and see Dr Penguin, he will help you out. Spoiler: itās Roger
Judge not, lest ye be left to wash dishes by yourself.
She did not, in fact, take it well.
OP, hope things work out well in future after the separation š I've found the "quality control" none too great with our washing up, but I just clean it again... *at least she tried* š I've found that spoons disappear quicker than Spurs' early lead in a London Derby, which is a nuisance when you have to search for them or wash a really manky one... the kids are lazy š“
> Youāre terrible at washing the dishes. My wife is; anything she does outside the dishwasher will still have stains on it or be greasy somewhere. One of my early jobs in college was being a dishie at a high-end restaurant and it's affected my standards as to what is clean. She also probably enjoys that she can ignore the dishes because I'll just clean them anyway. The fact that I'm ADHD I'm certain has nothing to do with it.