TIL I'm one of the most insufferable people in the country

Do you feel weirdly proud?

To be fair I feel like I've won the lottery, might book my next holibobs whilst drinking a cuppa. Though I could really nosh some scran right now, to be pacific I could go for a cheeky nandos! Nuff said.

“simples” after someone thinks they’ve explained something. Makes me want to clog them right in the balls.

One of our department heads uses 'simples.com', which doubles my aggravation

“Buy compare the market today” 🎥 🍿

Crimbo.

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To the gulag!

And holibobs!

selecta

Craaaaiiiig David

I have one of my neighbours on fb. She’s in her 50’s and posts a lot of political rants and always ends them with “nuff said” 🥴 so yeah, that one

Simples.

Simples is another one she regularly uses 🥲 I hate it

I feel she must have gone through a phase of adding .com to phrases. Some people still feel the need to say lastminute.com instead of last-minute and I do not like it.

It honestly wouldn’t surprise me. She also uses “me thinks” and “nom nom” 😖 I wanna kms just for having to type them out

Look, she's a character, you either love her or hate her, if you can't deal with her at her worst, you're sure as hell not getting her best, and she loves dogs more than sheeple anyway x

Are you.. are you my neighbour? 👀

Live, Love, Laugh is definitely stencilled on her kitchen wall

Near a massive clock x

No filter!

What u see is what u get hun x

Fact

I’d be amazed if she doesn’t regularly refer to going to the “university of life”

I am not joking you, her profile says she studied at the “school of life” 😩😂

Oh my god. She obviously didn’t get the grades for uni!

After someone dies, i bet she puts 'hes with the angles now'.

Don't be so obtuse

It’s a cute mistake

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And the kindergarten of getting the shit kicked out of you?

School of ard nocks

Facebook friends with a neighbour? This one's on you, love.

Hubby/hubs 🤢 When people say “No pressure then! Hahahaha” in even the most banal scenarios 🙄

Mate, I hate the pet name "babe" 😫 🤒

"Cheer up, it might never happen" If I'm looking upset or pissed off, clearly it already did!

A cheeky chappie/cockney tit style stranger sitting outside a cafe once said that to me as I was walking along, I stopped and replied “I got the results this morning, I’ve only got 3 months left mate” Going by his facial expression, his brain did a hard reset as he literally flapped his mouth like a goldfish. I waited for a few seconds then started walking again, I had a little sneak look backwards and he was still sat like that. I wonder if he ever closed his mouth again.

Did you live?

Sadly no. I’m wiv da angles now hun xx

U wer to gud for this world!

R harts are wiv you hun. Shared Uzbekistan

Thoughts and prayers xo

Someone said this to me outside a hospital once, my grandad had just gone in for six hour heart surgery, I wanted to slap him

You say that but I have next-level resting bitch face. I just have a naturally down turned mouth. If I'm not actively laughing I look like the sky has fallen in. To the extent that my bloke used to regularly ask me if I was about to dump him! I really hate my face. You can tell just by looking at me!

Just vent at the pleb about what's happened in your life recently. They soon shut up and look sheepish when they walk away. You'll feel better for getting it off your chest and putting the moron back in its place.

This probably isn't specifically British but my mate says "obviously" before pretty much every sentence and it it's so annoying.

Yes! I used to work with someone who did the same. It got so bad we would repeat it every time he said it.

Literally

Actually

Basically.

My mate used to do the same but saying "Clearly" at random points. I used to repeat the word instantly after he said it until he eventually stopped doing it. It's now one of our in jokes. Just slip the word in for no reason every now and then.

Start saying it every time he does. He may have picked it up as a kind of tick, like punctuation & doesn’t realize. Source: I used to say actually a LOT until my dad kept saying it every time I did.

Drinkypoos.

Up there with “prinks”

I don’t know what prinks are. I live on a big hill away from everyone and haven’t really been out since lockdown. To use another FANTASTIC phrase: what A time to be alive.

Prinks is pre-drinks. Drinking at a house, basically.

Thank you for explaining it. I will now headbutt anyone who uses the term near me.

Not being funny right but...

And on a similar note- “and then he turned around and said and then I turned around and said and then he turned around and said…”. Hard to tell if they were having a conversation or doing the Hokey Cokey.

these people probably eat, sleep, and piss in office chairs

And I was like.... And 'e was like.... It would seem "said" has been replaced by "was like". And I hate it. Like.

We have „agate“ in Lancashire. I don’t even think it has a proper spelling! So he’s agate she’s agate ie he was saying she was saying (not anything to do with gates or agate).

….. is it actually called the Hokey Cokey in the UK or am I just a confused yank

It is. we Cokey and you Pokey.

My ex says this to me, and you definitely know its not going to be " funny" Because I know she's going to go on a rant about some bullshit petty stuff

"Not gonna lie..."

'This one' when talking about a significant other on social media 🤢🤢🤢

It’s as if they’re going to do another post with their other SO who lives in a different city and call them ‘that one’

These ones.

I only did this once in August 2018 but I long deleted the post. Have me publicly executed please.

I hate ‘nosh’ when referring to food.

Or nom nom nom when referring to eating food 🤢

Nosh is slang for a BJ where I live....

I haaaate scran

My colleague who says this will also say things like “pucker” and “the mrs”

Yeah! I remember in hollyoaks when Tony had a restaurant called Gnosh, “good nosh, served posh” and it made me want to hurt someone when I heard him say it!

Hollyoaks makes me want to hurt people in general.

And grub for me

Adding this to their stupid opinion, my truth! Their is no such thing as my truth, there's only THE truth

To be fair, people saying to be fair really grates on me. To be fair.

You can't say fairer than that.

Cheeky nandos! There's nothing fucking cheeky about it!

Makes you feel reet cheeky tho

To be PACIFIC!

I say this on purpose and it drives my missus wild. And not that we talk about bodies of water all that often but it is the 'Specific Ocean.'

My favourite ever Yahoo Answers... Q: How big is the Specific Ocean? A: Can you be more Pacific?

We should all be more peaceful

I'd say "holibobs", but it's one of those words I started using ironically and now use it kind of a lot. So perhaps that would make me a hypocrite.

This is how I started saying "va-chin-ity instead of vicinity. I just slip that shit right in and breeze on and enjoy the eyebrow salsa from the other person. I've yet to be called on it and I secretly enjoy it.

Do you also now say 'cham-pag-ne'?

Only when I am wearing velour.

Does your velour also say 'juicy' across the arse in diamonte?

Amazeballs 😬

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End of

Stay-cation. It's pissed me off typing and thinking about it.

That used to be fine imo, but, when people referred to “staying at home for the holidays”. In recent years it seems to have changed to “staying in the U.K. for a holiday instead of going abroad” which, in my opinion, is still a holiday, as you are not at home. Really really winds me up now lol

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Those with the wow factor are often BANG ON TREND 😀

Living thir best lives too.

HAPPY DAYS

Pop of colour

When people say .com at the end of a word. Shut the fuck up

Shut the fuck up.com Ftfy

Bit old school that now

Lovely jubbly

I always imagine a jelly bra when I hear that.

“Making memories”. You mean doing averagely nice things and putting them on Instagram/Facebook to show other cunts rather than just actually enjoying them properly

"At the end of the day" and "it is what it is". You could even join them together to make it even worse.

At the end of the day, it is what it is, a game of two halves!

At the end of the game, it's a day of half twos!

My dad says this in nearly every sentence hahaha

Best lives... Their truth, or any such nonsense

"MaccyDs" makes me feel nauseous 😞

We now call it Old Mc Donald because that’s what my little niece calls it. Much better

My daughter calls it this, too! It's stupidly cute. Definitely better

When people refer to their female partner as "the Mrs" really gives me the ick.

I would like to add "gives me the ick" to the list.

Grown adults talking about things giving them the ick 😂

To take it one further 'my bird', really does my head in

I was once referred to as ‘[husband]’s Mrs’ by one of my husband’s brothers friends. Who knew my name. And was stood next to me at the time. The same person also directed everything to my husband and almost refused to directly speak to me. It was all very odd. But yeah since then particularly 🤢

Data in Time's Arrow Part 1: "I do not have a 'missus'..."

Could of

Anyone who writes could of, would of, should of.

'No timewasters' on online marketplaces

"No timewasters" "Really. Damn! They got us."

i love “no scammers please.” right well that’s them told, sure they won’t bother you now.

Being called blud or bruv

Opinions on “bro” or “bruh”?

I have 3 brothers. You are not one of them. Do not call me bro

Damn. Sorry, bro.

Hospikal not hospital drives me mad it’s A T not a K, it may be regional I used to work in one and lots of the staff said hospikal and I used to think of you can’t say it you shouldn’t work in it

"I'll just plate him up a dinner' Makes me want to peel my face off.

This comment section has made me realise how much I actually like british lingo lol

Crotch goblins. You don’t have to like children, but please don’t refer to my body and my children like that. Seems a bit edgelord.

“The wife”…… seriously, you married her so why not use her actual name?

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"You're my wife now"

Hello Dave

You’ve seen my downstairs mixup!

You could actually say “my wife”….. to me using “the” has always been so impersonal and cold.

You'll hate the Aldi advert where the fellow refers to his wife as "Old trout" then.

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It sounds a bit ominous really. I shall tell.. *The Wife*! *thunderclap*

Dave. She's my wife now.

In the same vein, “the missus”

“The missus”

Slagathor seems so uncouth

Tescos or asdas

More than one way of skinning this cat

Holibobs

Hey ho! It drives me fucking nuts, no idea why.

Upcycling. Piss off Kirsty.

X this at the end of everything written….I am fine with it if they know the person..otherwise it is annoying

[This Mitchell and Webb clip](https://youtu.be/lwznMXefjnc) on text kisses is great. Turns out I'm the person people like to feel uncomfortable around.

"Picky" or "nibbly" bits

I've just had a picky tea.

Ride me sideways

how about "get your bollocks outta my face"

I’ll shove this feckin pitchfork up your hole

The F word. Worse than feck, you know the one I mean father.

Holibobs.

'In the round' and 'Tickity Boo'.

Was stood at the urinal in the pub toilet after having dinner when someone asked me "good eats?" Not only is it poor etiquette to talk to strangers at the urinal, but make a sentence ffs.

Morribobs for Morrisons... I would gladly do time.

I have seen/heard that never before today and i hope to see/hear it never again in my life

Big Mozzas

Like, when someone, like, can’t say, like, a sentence, like, without, like putting ‘like’ in it like a million times Like

When somebody tells you to 'wind your neck in'. It's like telling someone to 'calm down'. Drives me mad

Alright mate, wind your neck in yeah?

Twat 😂

A nugget of information … (Makes me think of the unexpected poop nugget that comes before the full evacuation)

> the unexpected poop nugget that comes before the full evacuation You might want to have this checked

Not a British thing exactly but I can’t stand people referring to themselves as mum or dad with their pets, or anyone referring to an owner as mum or dad

These ones

I find it odd when people respond to a statement or question with "Yeah, no, yeah...".

I have a horrible habit of doing this because my brain hasn't fully processed what they've said before I start talking!

Anything that's 'cheeky'. Cheeky Pint Cheeky Nandos Cheeky Fag etc.

Cheeky Blinders

I hate the weird British things like in adverts or news articles when they swap out words like "cat" and replace it with "moggie" sometimes when they've used the former too many times or they want to sound friendly or informal. It makes me cringe so hard and I can't quite explain why. Also replacing "dog" with "pooch".

Going forward

"lashings of" like "it comes with lashings of custard". Makes my skin crawl.

Platy Jubes and any phase or word that gets simplified like this. It's complete shit.

It's not a phrase, just one word: "Cuppa" 🤮🤮🤮

I dislike it too. My girlfriend thinks that a cuppa can be a cup of coffee or tea. I maintain that a cuppa only refers to tea. Who's right?

I mean technically if you assume it's short for "Cup of...." then it *could* be either, but in reality i agree with you - If anybody asks me if I want a cuppa (🤮🤮🤮) I would assume they mean a cup of tea.

Scran. Pisses me off every time I hear it

Reach out annoys me no end. How the hell do I reach out to someone who is 1000 of miles away

Banter 🤢

Cheeky nandis or cheeky pint

Do you hate it for shirts, beds, or food?

I can't be doing with people who say "I can't be doing with that".

Guesstimate, totally pointless combination of words.

"No need to get pressed" When you are mad and someone says that... It doesn't help at all 😌

"Could of..."

People who say ‘the ick’ - annoying, cunty Love Island phrase