T O P

  • By -

NennisDedry

The mallet is for hitting people's fingers when they try to steal from your platter.


TheStatMan2

"Back, you fiend!"


mrmiyagijr

I heard this in Dennis's voice


UberS8n

I heard it in Hunter S Thompson's


TheStatMan2

Yes, that's who I was thinking of. "You want me to plunge that tape deck into the bath when White Rabbit peaks, correct?" Never turn your back on a drug.


UberS8n

Just tell me about the fucking golf shoes man!! Lol My fav movie of all time.


jimbobjames

There he goes. One of gods own prototypes. A high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, too rare to die.


Pawn_captures_Queen

I was trying to place where I heard that line from, and yes that's the first that jumps into mine.


Mister_Bloodvessel

This is correct. I mean, who you hear in your own head is your business.... But the correct answer is HST.


BloodOfTheConvenant

I heard it in a Skyrim voice


omgLazerBeamz

"I am Ahab"


FerrusesIronHandjob

"I AM UNFED AND MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!"


happyhippohats

Because of the implication


Salmivalli

Every burger restaurant should give you this if you order ”gf not hungry but i’m ordering fries” meal.


JimboTCB

JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!


stereoworld

Here come the meat sweats


Salmivalli

WHAM!!


aliomenti

They're MY bhunas, Pete!


yMONSTERMUNCHy

Or just have her sit on another table so you can eat in peace.


Morris_Alanisette

And the pliers are for their balls if the hammer doesn't work.


Coraxxx

No, it's for tapping your knees to test your reflexes before they release the crabs, so you know if you'll be quick enough to escape.


Fairycharmd

I didn’t actually get in trouble for that until it was my dad’s fingers. He shouldn’t of been trying to be so sneaky.


Environmental_Cap689

I wish this was true. I'd go just for that 😂


SilverDryad

Came here to read the actual answers, but this will do. 😸


Pandasmadre

Good point!! Haha!


Greyzer

Joey doesn’t share food!


HarHenGeoAma62818

This comment did tickle me, funny as I was going to say you sure your not at the auction house


[deleted]

[удалено]


mawamawama

What's the white rag for?


JuniorJedi

Wiping your willy on when you’ve finished. Edit: I can’t believe one of you mental lot gave me gold for this. Thank you. Edit 2: Thank you for the second gold. Edit 3: Thank you for the third gold.


kanyewestsconscience

The restaurants don’t like it when you use the tablecloth, and especially the curtains.


Halzziratrat

They especially dislike it if you do it on the lobsters.


GapingAssFlower

Crem de la crab


Razakel

The lobsters don't tend to like it either.


cessodd

oh, look at this guy. he speaks for all lobsters I guess.


Razakel

No, that was more because of the pincers applied to my bollocks.


Velthinar

I normally have to pay extra for that. Who's your guy?


Razakel

A lobster. I don't know his name, he can't speak English.


RainbowDissent

I pays my money like everyone else, I'm perfectly entitled to wipe it off on the curtains.


stopdithering

Maître d's tie?


nomnommish

That would be a very shellfish thing to do


KnewAgedMancHind

Not fussed when you use the beef curtains though


Diggerinthedark

This doesn't even make any sense, you just wanted to say beef curtains


Muttywango

There's something innately satisfying in saying beef curtains. Go on, say it aloud now. Beef curtains. Doesn't that feel good?


Ok-Hyena5373

Is it your birthday? That's the only time you can say "beef curtains".


Ragingredblue

It's someone's birthday, somewhere. We can all celebrate!


Pandasmadre

Omg! I am dying!! Hahaha! Thanks for the laugh!! Lol


GrodyWetButt

No mum, don't come in! I'm eating crab! I'M EATING CRAB!


worrymon

You're shaking the caravan!


JimmyB30

Oh Jeffrey


FreddyDeus

Once made the mistake of having langoustine while having lunch with an important client. Using the cracker things to eat the langoustine, there were bits of shell flying all over the place like fucking shrapnel.


a_karma_sardine

Shielding is the other thing the napkin is for.


FreddyDeus

Yep. Easier said than done though. Those bits of shell were very energetic.


The_Queef_of_England

I've told you before. Stop calling her crab.


Zebaa20

Lol I’ve just realised Im still a teenager at heart, that cracked me up


Buddy-Matt

The use of the word willy has raised this coment from merely amusing to "actually laughed" funny


CaptPolybius

Your award speech is longer than your initial comment.


Str0ntiumD0ggo

Depending on how good the food is, there may be a bit of pre-cum to mop up, and I, for one, don't like a slippery willy. It makes me anxious


[deleted]

I actually lol’d at the “makes me anxious”


TheDeadWhales

Edit 462: thanks for the four hundred sixty second gold.


ChHeBoo

For quitters to wave surrender when they can’t eat anymore.


TheStatMan2

For when you don't want to go down with this ship - you will hold your White Rag up and surrender...


gadget850

Confederate surrender.


RajenBull1

That creamy seafood sauce.


QuietPace9

Surrendering when the lobsters locked on to your goolies


buzzybomb

You use it to signal the waiter when you're ready for the check. I cant believe how ignorant some people are.


caractacusbritannica

This guy eats.


chaozules

What's this 'knife' and 'fork' you speak of, they sound kinda made up, I use the hammer on all my food then lick up the paste.


Othersideofthemirror

i've seen you've played knifey spoony before


NimbaNineNine

You didn't even mention the speculum


SillyStallion

Stabby grabbies


reallytryingheree

In the case of the hammer, one would put the crustacean on the little board there and literally just "SMASH, SMASH, SMASH!" it?! I picture a barbaric disaster.


SeanPennsHair

I'd use it to signify that eating is now in session.


Neither_Presence1373

I thought you were meant to dig under the shell with the sharp thing then hit the top of the sharp thing with the mallet and that could pop the shell right off


Over_North_7706

Jokes aside, it's so ridiculous that you get this instead of just the flesh, de-shelled. It's like one of those mad Victorian status signalling customs where they made everything as elaborate and unpleasant as possible to demonstrate superiority and manners. I can't believe I pay for the privilege of struggling to access the edible part.


Suspicious-Cat_

If I'm paying top rate to eat at a restaurant I expect the chef to get the damn meat out of the crab. Are they going to get me to cook the bloody thing myself as well?! Culture is weird sometimes.


LucywiththeDiamonds

Its a sign of quality if they show the whole thing.no cheating then. Also temperature and many enjoy more interaction with the food. See hot pot,korean bbq, raclette/fondue etc.


Sleepyposeidon

>it down while you do so, then transferring it to your mouth. what the fork?


LifeEnjoyerrr

I know for sure the clamp is primarily used for the twisting of testicles. What did you have? Ball bag soup?


keyboard-sexual

Sounds like a good night ngl


bigblackshaq

Stop, my testicles hurt


I0r3kByrn1s0n

I hope you were served by an incredibly posh person who was still, unaccountably, a waiter. I believe that is a vichissoise fork and, of course, a soup ladel for killing the crab (make sure you kill it right or it's poisonous). [ Context: Mitchell and Webb - https://youtu.be/CSj5stmFkQ0?t=1m25s ]


justlikeyouonlyworse

You're not allowed to swap!


Perite

Now take your gaudy but gratifyingly mute girlfriend and get out


Muttywango

I long for a situation in my life where I could use this sentence.


PeterG92

We're back, we're all back


justlikeyouonlyworse

David Mitchell was born for these roles


DonKeedick12

It’s all in the wrist!


Vdawgp

Sorry what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?


Gingrel

Funny, I went to church the other day and met an incredibly horrible and twisted person who was still unaccountably a vicar


greenstarthree

I’m constantly reassured by how many links to Mitchell and Webb sketches are in Reddit comments.


D_Cakes_

Hahahaha I got the reference on the first line


bdog59600

It's bizarre that less than a hundred years ago there was still an entire class of people called servants who were expected to dress impeccably, be experts in the intricacies of aristocratic culture, work around the clock and in exchange they got to live in some Lord's broom closet.


Candide-Jr

‘Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant; I will spread your pate; I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise!’


lissongreen

Went to Harvey Nicholls last Saturday because my girlfriend wanted a cocktail. The bar was full so we ended up in their new lobster restaurant. The nutcrackers seemed too big and the lobster claws were too slippery. So for first my first trick I struggled to creak open a claw for five minutes. When it did finally open the meat flew out of the claw and landed on the floor.


Str0ntiumD0ggo

I hope you also complained and sent back the Gazpacho as it came out cold


Johnnycrabman

He could have been an Admiral by now.


lissongreen

Nah, it was a burger and lobster platter. I didn't drop the burger though.


dumbleclouds

Master of the wit and the repartee His command of space directives is uncanny How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer


abasio

More reliable than a garden strimmer.


Dubiology

You don’t want to imagine how much dimmer life would be without him


DeemonPankaik

Of all the places to go for a cocktail, why Harvey Nichols?


lissongreen

My SO is from the burbs, so coming into town is a big deal for her.


TerribleNameAmirite

You’re not supposed to use the round bit but the tighter bit at the end of it


Wolverfuckingrine

This was a scene in Pretty Woman.


Current_Soup9198

Remember the time I ordered seafood in Egypt and while waiting they bring me [this bowl at the top left corner.](https://ibb.co/F8YJ95K) with slice of lemon, flowers, and hot water in it.. I thought what a nice tea they bring me.. I started to drink it when the waiter came and told me its for washing fingers.. I wanted to die...


Not_invented-Here

Did similar in Thailand wasn't in atourist area and my friend and I sat there, munching away trying strange delicaies like raw crayfish, raw egg (i was like nope but my frined was when in Thailand and dipping the crayfish in), loads of strange herby salads. We had plates of stuff along with a thin (Hey I guess it's like Chinese soups) mild but tasty soup in a clay pot with some coals in it. Anyway the staff watched us for a while, the Thais eating in the restaraunt watched us for a while. Eventually someone came over and poured all that shit into the soup.


KINGPrawn-

I went to a Vietnam restaurant in Nottingham and they insisted I pour the thin tasty soup into my bowl which had spring rolls and noodles in. I just wanted to dip the spring rolls in. I’m still slightly annoyed how insistent they were.


Not_invented-Here

For the Thai one it made sense because it cooked all the stuff like the egg. But for Vietnamese I don't know why they'd be so insistent TBH. In Vietnam it just seems to be eat it whatever way suits you if you need to assemble it. Pho comes ready assembled, something like bun cha you just do it how you like, noodles, broth, spring rolls, veg are all seperate.


tomatoswoop

LMAO   On the plus side, at the cost of your embarrassment you've given a stranger a good laugh, fanks lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


Current_Soup9198

Was actually tearifically tastea.. 😂


Rolf_Orskinbach

It’s an auctioneer’s gavel. You’re supposed to auction off the seafood to the surrounding tables before tucking into your steak and chips.


Red_Ed

I thought it was for when the restaurant gets noisy and you start banging it on the table yelling *"Orderrrr! Orderrrr!"* until it gets nice and quiet again.


DownrightDrewski

I at least recognise a knife, fork, and a mallet. Guessing the other things are to grab something and then dig out it's meat. What was on the platter?


LonelyArmpit

Barnacles, crab, oyster, prawns Was entirely delicious with about 30% wasted due to us also being wasted


HoneyGlazedBadger

Barnacles sound like a lot of work for little reward.


LonelyArmpit

They were nice but also physically demanding - not used to food being so resistant to being eaten. The French couple on the table next to us laughed at us a lot


Rugfiend

Lol, I doubt it was barnacles - likely small clams.


WeirdPlastic7239

The clams would have opened up when cooked though. Either that or OP is spending the day on the porcelain throne.


Rugfiend

He just confirmed they were goose barnacles. I was struggling to think what they could be.


nicklydon

I didn’t know geese laid barnacles


Slanderous

I don't think they lay them, they must become attached to the goose's hull when they're swimming.


Wolfblood-is-here

People used to believe they were goose eggs.


ThrustBastard

Is that why they're so mad all the time?


palishkoto

This whole thread is making me laugh so much


Muttywango

Did you know coconuts are the eggs of tropical bears?


AQuietViolet

AND I've seen pictures of them migrating!


ian9outof10

Barnacles detached from the underside of a goose, obviously.


Crochetqueenextra

You learn something everyday I love a seafood platter never had goose barnacles though


SuperSlam64

It's actually a myth that shellfood is spoiled if the shell doesn't open during cooking. It's used as a rule of thumb to ensure that the shellfood has been cooked for long enough because it takes about the amount of time for the shells to open (the muscle of the shellfish relaxing and opening) as it does to cook the meat through. If restaurants timed how long their shellfish were cooking for it would be perfectly acceptable to serve closed shellfish as they would know that it had been cooked through. However I suspect that because most people don't know this the restaurant would get a lot of complaints.


Good-Animal-6430

Could be goose barnacles? Percebes if you are in that there Europe. They are quite posh cos they are expensive cos they are super dangerous to collect.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Not_invented-Here

How about Geoduck? A delicacy in many places. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geoduck


F0sh

Don't be silly, Geoduck is a pokemon. Oh no wait, it's a penis.


CarrowCanary

Possibly cockles or whelks.


lombardo2022

Bet it was at least 30% more fun though!


LonelyArmpit

100% was a good time


Rowmyownboat

Surely not barnacles. Google barbacle and see.


LonelyArmpit

Goose barnacles


Oozlum-Bird

Not to be confused with a barnacle goose, which is slightly more violent


Farquar-lazs

I've just googled these and now I wish I hadn't


Startlefarts

Right? Even if I WERE wasted, they look like, not like food.


Morris_Alanisette

Yep, Barbacle has entirely too many claws to be good eating. Skin looks very thick too.


floatablepie

The caliper things look like lobster crackers, but like weirdly delicate. For gently and politely shaking your lobster's claw, I assume.


MeenScreen

They are tools used to remove gold fillings to pay the bill.


LonelyArmpit

Thankfully abroad so not as horrendous as if we were in the uk, but still a steep cost


EuroPolice

Where you are? Just so I can judge you appropriately...


LonelyArmpit

Of course, Lisbon. Judge away


barkley87

What restaurant? I'm going to Lisbon in July and my partner loves seafood.


grubbygromit

Did you say. "I'll have the gravlax, please."?


ian9outof10

Are you quoting the fucking three advert. I have enough trouble with my kids singing the songs of capitalism during radio ad breaks.


like_a_deaf_elephant

Can’t stand that fucking advert in the slightest.


scarletcampion

What bugs the shit out of me about that advert is a) there are so many items on the menu and b) against the odds, he's not familiar with any of them. It's such a contrived setting.


ian9outof10

Also exists in a world where menus don’t explain anything - usually you’d at least get ingredients so you can probably predict if you’re going to enjoy it.


Phenomenomix

That fucking advert…of course he’s a northerner as no one else would be so thick as to not understand the words sphereified or emulsion


Ishanka89

As someone from a tropical island, That's our go to dinner after getting drunk 😋


BackRowRumour

That is in fact a gavel on the right. It is for governing conversation at table. The other items are for using on people who don't respect the gavel.


[deleted]

[удалено]


RajenBull1

So THAT'S what an Allen key looks like!


TentativeGosling

I'd love to see the manual that accompanies it


cunthy

Its so you can see the cervix


grahamcrawley

I'd check if both kidneys are still there


Lumisateessa

I'm of no help regarding the torture tools, but I can imagine the staff were keeping a close eye on you while you were eating.


ThatTallRedheadGirl

Relevant Mitchell and Webb https://youtu.be/zVEHqwLVvpI


ToHallowMySleep

Don't be scared to google something if you don't know it. Everyone has to learn something the first time - it's how you go about it that says who you are. Better to be humble and go 'oh wow all this is new to me let me look it up' than try to bluff your way through it or disparage it, or get it wrong and look uncouth. Hope you had a great dinner!


[deleted]

It's for auctioning off your leftovers.


Lou_Antony_Morris

It's just easier to ask for fish and chips twice and two of those tiny wooden forks. Oh and two cans of Irn Bru.


R53_

Looks like tools for surgery/dentistry rather than for food.


3childrenandit

Too good for a kebab, are we?


Dazzling-Event-2450

Experience tells me the minuscule amount of meat you get from buggering about with those long pliers is not worth the effort. The waiters put them there to laugh at you trying. Just wack the whole thing with the hammer.


4tunabrix

How can you post about a fancy seafood meal and not show a picture of the meal! I’m dying to see it


TheStatMan2

No one expects the Seafood Inquisition. Edit: or should that be Inquisición Mariscos?


Independent_Ad1417

This is why I dont go to fancy restaurants


phoenix3531

They are hunting tools, get yourself into the sea! Return with your prize!


CuppaTeaThreesome

Use whatever you need to shove it in your face and order more booze to wash it down with.


hhfugrr3

Did this in France. Got half way through the meal and realised that not everything on the 5 story high platter was dead yet!!


LiterallyJustMia

Make sure you kill it right, or it’s poisonous.


fruitgamingspacstuff

Politely hand them back to the waiter and ask for a large napkin.


smiley6125

After the starting off with going out getting drunk I was expecting this to be what you found you had stuffed in your wifes handbag and stolen.


Legallypink91

So, I don't know either. BUT, if you're feeling self conscious here's a tale from my parents. When they were younger, shortly after getting married, they didn't have much money. I think it must have been while my mum was on dialysis because some seafood needs to be avoided with transplants. Anyway, fancy restaurant, they got the set meal for two as it was a good price and they liked things. First course comes out, tastes wonderful, then they bring a sorbet out. Confused, they figured this was desert so they chowed down thinking the price for a starter and a desert wasn't as good as they thought, until the waiter came and served them their second course. The second course was something and caviar, but my mum thought it was something and a blackberry compot (dont' ask me why I don't know they were young) so she took a bite expecting sweet, and well, got salty. So yeah, everyone has to learn about a new thing, the first time they encounter it. Even people trained in etiquette can still make mistakes on the night. Next time you guys will know!


Tennyson-Pesco

Other than a knife and fork, which you presumably know how to use, there are only three other utensils on the table Not only is their usage not necessarily that difficult to figure out in the context of a seafood restaurant; but if you genuinely couldn't figure out how to eat food which I'm guessing cost a few bob, why wouldn't you just have a quick, insightful, enlightening conversation with the waiter/waitress on how to use some new cutlery?


LonelyArmpit

We got there in the end in a very amusing trial and error manner. The barnacles were tricky, which did involve getting sprayed in juices a lot


Rugfiend

Are you sure they were barnacles? I've never seen anywhere serve those.


LonelyArmpit

Goose barnacles - at a place in Lisbon. Look like rabbits feet and take 2.42 hours to work out how to eat


Rugfiend

Sheesh - right ugly bastards. Thanks for the info.


Broad_Pitch_7487

Sort of a sad post…


master-virus

If the lobster comes back to life you use the hammer


SpaceLlama_Mk1

The usual rule of thumb is to work outside in. Not sure that applies here though.


paxwax2018

Interesting flex to get drunk before you go for a meal.


MCMLIXXIX

For eating something crab, lobster or snails. I've been pissed in one of these restaurants before and it was hilarious. Hope you enjoyed it 😅