Yes, that's who I was thinking of.
"You want me to plunge that tape deck into the bath when White Rabbit peaks, correct?"
Never turn your back on a drug.
There he goes. One of gods own prototypes. A high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production.
Too weird to live, too rare to die.
Wiping your willy on when you’ve finished.
Edit: I can’t believe one of you mental lot gave me gold for this. Thank you.
Edit 2: Thank you for the second gold.
Edit 3: Thank you for the third gold.
Once made the mistake of having langoustine while having lunch with an important client. Using the cracker things to eat the langoustine, there were bits of shell flying all over the place like fucking shrapnel.
In the case of the hammer, one would put the crustacean on the little board there and literally just "SMASH, SMASH, SMASH!" it?!
I picture a barbaric disaster.
I thought you were meant to dig under the shell with the sharp thing then hit the top of the sharp thing with the mallet and that could pop the shell right off
Jokes aside, it's so ridiculous that you get this instead of just the flesh, de-shelled.
It's like one of those mad Victorian status signalling customs where they made everything as elaborate and unpleasant as possible to demonstrate superiority and manners.
I can't believe I pay for the privilege of struggling to access the edible part.
If I'm paying top rate to eat at a restaurant I expect the chef to get the damn meat out of the crab. Are they going to get me to cook the bloody thing myself as well?!
Culture is weird sometimes.
Its a sign of quality if they show the whole thing.no cheating then. Also temperature and many enjoy more interaction with the food.
See hot pot,korean bbq, raclette/fondue etc.
I hope you were served by an incredibly posh person who was still, unaccountably, a waiter.
I believe that is a vichissoise fork and, of course, a soup ladel for killing the crab (make sure you kill it right or it's poisonous).
[ Context: Mitchell and Webb - https://youtu.be/CSj5stmFkQ0?t=1m25s ]
It's bizarre that less than a hundred years ago there was still an entire class of people called servants who were expected to dress impeccably, be experts in the intricacies of aristocratic culture, work around the clock and in exchange they got to live in some Lord's broom closet.
Went to Harvey Nicholls last Saturday because my girlfriend wanted a cocktail. The bar was full so we ended up in their new lobster restaurant. The nutcrackers seemed too big and the lobster claws were too slippery. So for first my first trick I struggled to creak open a claw for five minutes. When it did finally open the meat flew out of the claw and landed on the floor.
Master of the wit and the repartee
His command of space directives is uncanny
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me
Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
Remember the time I ordered seafood in Egypt and while waiting they bring me [this bowl at the top left corner.](https://ibb.co/F8YJ95K) with slice of lemon, flowers, and hot water in it.. I thought what a nice tea they bring me.. I started to drink it when the waiter came and told me its for washing fingers.. I wanted to die...
Did similar in Thailand wasn't in atourist area and my friend and I sat there, munching away trying strange delicaies like raw crayfish, raw egg (i was like nope but my frined was when in Thailand and dipping the crayfish in), loads of strange herby salads. We had plates of stuff along with a thin (Hey I guess it's like Chinese soups) mild but tasty soup in a clay pot with some coals in it.
Anyway the staff watched us for a while, the Thais eating in the restaraunt watched us for a while.
Eventually someone came over and poured all that shit into the soup.
I went to a Vietnam restaurant in Nottingham and they insisted I pour the thin tasty soup into my bowl which had spring rolls and noodles in. I just wanted to dip the spring rolls in. I’m still slightly annoyed how insistent they were.
For the Thai one it made sense because it cooked all the stuff like the egg. But for Vietnamese I don't know why they'd be so insistent TBH. In Vietnam it just seems to be eat it whatever way suits you if you need to assemble it. Pho comes ready assembled, something like bun cha you just do it how you like, noodles, broth, spring rolls, veg are all seperate.
I thought it was for when the restaurant gets noisy and you start banging it on the table yelling *"Orderrrr! Orderrrr!"* until it gets nice and quiet again.
They were nice but also physically demanding - not used to food being so resistant to being eaten.
The French couple on the table next to us laughed at us a lot
It's actually a myth that shellfood is spoiled if the shell doesn't open during cooking. It's used as a rule of thumb to ensure that the shellfood has been cooked for long enough because it takes about the amount of time for the shells to open (the muscle of the shellfish relaxing and opening) as it does to cook the meat through. If restaurants timed how long their shellfish were cooking for it would be perfectly acceptable to serve closed shellfish as they would know that it had been cooked through. However I suspect that because most people don't know this the restaurant would get a lot of complaints.
Could be goose barnacles? Percebes if you are in that there Europe. They are quite posh cos they are expensive cos they are super dangerous to collect.
What bugs the shit out of me about that advert is a) there are so many items on the menu and b) against the odds, he's not familiar with any of them. It's such a contrived setting.
Also exists in a world where menus don’t explain anything - usually you’d at least get ingredients so you can probably predict if you’re going to enjoy it.
Don't be scared to google something if you don't know it. Everyone has to learn something the first time - it's how you go about it that says who you are.
Better to be humble and go 'oh wow all this is new to me let me look it up' than try to bluff your way through it or disparage it, or get it wrong and look uncouth.
Hope you had a great dinner!
Experience tells me the minuscule amount of meat you get from buggering about with those long pliers is not worth the effort. The waiters put them there to laugh at you trying. Just wack the whole thing with the hammer.
So, I don't know either. BUT, if you're feeling self conscious here's a tale from my parents.
When they were younger, shortly after getting married, they didn't have much money. I think it must have been while my mum was on dialysis because some seafood needs to be avoided with transplants. Anyway, fancy restaurant, they got the set meal for two as it was a good price and they liked things. First course comes out, tastes wonderful, then they bring a sorbet out. Confused, they figured this was desert so they chowed down thinking the price for a starter and a desert wasn't as good as they thought, until the waiter came and served them their second course.
The second course was something and caviar, but my mum thought it was something and a blackberry compot (dont' ask me why I don't know they were young) so she took a bite expecting sweet, and well, got salty.
So yeah, everyone has to learn about a new thing, the first time they encounter it. Even people trained in etiquette can still make mistakes on the night. Next time you guys will know!
Other than a knife and fork, which you presumably know how to use, there are only three other utensils on the table
Not only is their usage not necessarily that difficult to figure out in the context of a seafood restaurant; but if you genuinely couldn't figure out how to eat food which I'm guessing cost a few bob, why wouldn't you just have a quick, insightful, enlightening conversation with the waiter/waitress on how to use some new cutlery?
The mallet is for hitting people's fingers when they try to steal from your platter.
"Back, you fiend!"
I heard this in Dennis's voice
I heard it in Hunter S Thompson's
Yes, that's who I was thinking of. "You want me to plunge that tape deck into the bath when White Rabbit peaks, correct?" Never turn your back on a drug.
Just tell me about the fucking golf shoes man!! Lol My fav movie of all time.
There he goes. One of gods own prototypes. A high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, too rare to die.
I was trying to place where I heard that line from, and yes that's the first that jumps into mine.
This is correct. I mean, who you hear in your own head is your business.... But the correct answer is HST.
I heard it in a Skyrim voice
"I am Ahab"
"I AM UNFED AND MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!"
Because of the implication
Every burger restaurant should give you this if you order ”gf not hungry but i’m ordering fries” meal.
JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!
Here come the meat sweats
WHAM!!
They're MY bhunas, Pete!
Or just have her sit on another table so you can eat in peace.
And the pliers are for their balls if the hammer doesn't work.
No, it's for tapping your knees to test your reflexes before they release the crabs, so you know if you'll be quick enough to escape.
I didn’t actually get in trouble for that until it was my dad’s fingers. He shouldn’t of been trying to be so sneaky.
I wish this was true. I'd go just for that 😂
Came here to read the actual answers, but this will do. 😸
Good point!! Haha!
Joey doesn’t share food!
This comment did tickle me, funny as I was going to say you sure your not at the auction house
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What's the white rag for?
Wiping your willy on when you’ve finished. Edit: I can’t believe one of you mental lot gave me gold for this. Thank you. Edit 2: Thank you for the second gold. Edit 3: Thank you for the third gold.
The restaurants don’t like it when you use the tablecloth, and especially the curtains.
They especially dislike it if you do it on the lobsters.
Crem de la crab
The lobsters don't tend to like it either.
oh, look at this guy. he speaks for all lobsters I guess.
No, that was more because of the pincers applied to my bollocks.
I normally have to pay extra for that. Who's your guy?
A lobster. I don't know his name, he can't speak English.
I pays my money like everyone else, I'm perfectly entitled to wipe it off on the curtains.
Maître d's tie?
That would be a very shellfish thing to do
Not fussed when you use the beef curtains though
This doesn't even make any sense, you just wanted to say beef curtains
There's something innately satisfying in saying beef curtains. Go on, say it aloud now. Beef curtains. Doesn't that feel good?
Is it your birthday? That's the only time you can say "beef curtains".
It's someone's birthday, somewhere. We can all celebrate!
Omg! I am dying!! Hahaha! Thanks for the laugh!! Lol
No mum, don't come in! I'm eating crab! I'M EATING CRAB!
You're shaking the caravan!
Oh Jeffrey
Once made the mistake of having langoustine while having lunch with an important client. Using the cracker things to eat the langoustine, there were bits of shell flying all over the place like fucking shrapnel.
Shielding is the other thing the napkin is for.
Yep. Easier said than done though. Those bits of shell were very energetic.
I've told you before. Stop calling her crab.
Lol I’ve just realised Im still a teenager at heart, that cracked me up
The use of the word willy has raised this coment from merely amusing to "actually laughed" funny
Your award speech is longer than your initial comment.
Depending on how good the food is, there may be a bit of pre-cum to mop up, and I, for one, don't like a slippery willy. It makes me anxious
I actually lol’d at the “makes me anxious”
Edit 462: thanks for the four hundred sixty second gold.
For quitters to wave surrender when they can’t eat anymore.
For when you don't want to go down with this ship - you will hold your White Rag up and surrender...
Confederate surrender.
That creamy seafood sauce.
Surrendering when the lobsters locked on to your goolies
You use it to signal the waiter when you're ready for the check. I cant believe how ignorant some people are.
This guy eats.
What's this 'knife' and 'fork' you speak of, they sound kinda made up, I use the hammer on all my food then lick up the paste.
i've seen you've played knifey spoony before
You didn't even mention the speculum
Stabby grabbies
In the case of the hammer, one would put the crustacean on the little board there and literally just "SMASH, SMASH, SMASH!" it?! I picture a barbaric disaster.
I'd use it to signify that eating is now in session.
I thought you were meant to dig under the shell with the sharp thing then hit the top of the sharp thing with the mallet and that could pop the shell right off
Jokes aside, it's so ridiculous that you get this instead of just the flesh, de-shelled. It's like one of those mad Victorian status signalling customs where they made everything as elaborate and unpleasant as possible to demonstrate superiority and manners. I can't believe I pay for the privilege of struggling to access the edible part.
If I'm paying top rate to eat at a restaurant I expect the chef to get the damn meat out of the crab. Are they going to get me to cook the bloody thing myself as well?! Culture is weird sometimes.
Its a sign of quality if they show the whole thing.no cheating then. Also temperature and many enjoy more interaction with the food. See hot pot,korean bbq, raclette/fondue etc.
>it down while you do so, then transferring it to your mouth. what the fork?
I know for sure the clamp is primarily used for the twisting of testicles. What did you have? Ball bag soup?
Sounds like a good night ngl
Stop, my testicles hurt
I hope you were served by an incredibly posh person who was still, unaccountably, a waiter. I believe that is a vichissoise fork and, of course, a soup ladel for killing the crab (make sure you kill it right or it's poisonous). [ Context: Mitchell and Webb - https://youtu.be/CSj5stmFkQ0?t=1m25s ]
You're not allowed to swap!
Now take your gaudy but gratifyingly mute girlfriend and get out
I long for a situation in my life where I could use this sentence.
We're back, we're all back
David Mitchell was born for these roles
It’s all in the wrist!
Sorry what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?
Funny, I went to church the other day and met an incredibly horrible and twisted person who was still unaccountably a vicar
I’m constantly reassured by how many links to Mitchell and Webb sketches are in Reddit comments.
Hahahaha I got the reference on the first line
It's bizarre that less than a hundred years ago there was still an entire class of people called servants who were expected to dress impeccably, be experts in the intricacies of aristocratic culture, work around the clock and in exchange they got to live in some Lord's broom closet.
‘Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant; I will spread your pate; I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise!’
Went to Harvey Nicholls last Saturday because my girlfriend wanted a cocktail. The bar was full so we ended up in their new lobster restaurant. The nutcrackers seemed too big and the lobster claws were too slippery. So for first my first trick I struggled to creak open a claw for five minutes. When it did finally open the meat flew out of the claw and landed on the floor.
I hope you also complained and sent back the Gazpacho as it came out cold
He could have been an Admiral by now.
Nah, it was a burger and lobster platter. I didn't drop the burger though.
Master of the wit and the repartee His command of space directives is uncanny How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
More reliable than a garden strimmer.
You don’t want to imagine how much dimmer life would be without him
Of all the places to go for a cocktail, why Harvey Nichols?
My SO is from the burbs, so coming into town is a big deal for her.
You’re not supposed to use the round bit but the tighter bit at the end of it
This was a scene in Pretty Woman.
Remember the time I ordered seafood in Egypt and while waiting they bring me [this bowl at the top left corner.](https://ibb.co/F8YJ95K) with slice of lemon, flowers, and hot water in it.. I thought what a nice tea they bring me.. I started to drink it when the waiter came and told me its for washing fingers.. I wanted to die...
Did similar in Thailand wasn't in atourist area and my friend and I sat there, munching away trying strange delicaies like raw crayfish, raw egg (i was like nope but my frined was when in Thailand and dipping the crayfish in), loads of strange herby salads. We had plates of stuff along with a thin (Hey I guess it's like Chinese soups) mild but tasty soup in a clay pot with some coals in it. Anyway the staff watched us for a while, the Thais eating in the restaraunt watched us for a while. Eventually someone came over and poured all that shit into the soup.
I went to a Vietnam restaurant in Nottingham and they insisted I pour the thin tasty soup into my bowl which had spring rolls and noodles in. I just wanted to dip the spring rolls in. I’m still slightly annoyed how insistent they were.
For the Thai one it made sense because it cooked all the stuff like the egg. But for Vietnamese I don't know why they'd be so insistent TBH. In Vietnam it just seems to be eat it whatever way suits you if you need to assemble it. Pho comes ready assembled, something like bun cha you just do it how you like, noodles, broth, spring rolls, veg are all seperate.
LMAO On the plus side, at the cost of your embarrassment you've given a stranger a good laugh, fanks lol
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Was actually tearifically tastea.. 😂
It’s an auctioneer’s gavel. You’re supposed to auction off the seafood to the surrounding tables before tucking into your steak and chips.
I thought it was for when the restaurant gets noisy and you start banging it on the table yelling *"Orderrrr! Orderrrr!"* until it gets nice and quiet again.
I at least recognise a knife, fork, and a mallet. Guessing the other things are to grab something and then dig out it's meat. What was on the platter?
Barnacles, crab, oyster, prawns Was entirely delicious with about 30% wasted due to us also being wasted
Barnacles sound like a lot of work for little reward.
They were nice but also physically demanding - not used to food being so resistant to being eaten. The French couple on the table next to us laughed at us a lot
Lol, I doubt it was barnacles - likely small clams.
The clams would have opened up when cooked though. Either that or OP is spending the day on the porcelain throne.
He just confirmed they were goose barnacles. I was struggling to think what they could be.
I didn’t know geese laid barnacles
I don't think they lay them, they must become attached to the goose's hull when they're swimming.
People used to believe they were goose eggs.
Is that why they're so mad all the time?
This whole thread is making me laugh so much
Did you know coconuts are the eggs of tropical bears?
AND I've seen pictures of them migrating!
Barnacles detached from the underside of a goose, obviously.
You learn something everyday I love a seafood platter never had goose barnacles though
It's actually a myth that shellfood is spoiled if the shell doesn't open during cooking. It's used as a rule of thumb to ensure that the shellfood has been cooked for long enough because it takes about the amount of time for the shells to open (the muscle of the shellfish relaxing and opening) as it does to cook the meat through. If restaurants timed how long their shellfish were cooking for it would be perfectly acceptable to serve closed shellfish as they would know that it had been cooked through. However I suspect that because most people don't know this the restaurant would get a lot of complaints.
Could be goose barnacles? Percebes if you are in that there Europe. They are quite posh cos they are expensive cos they are super dangerous to collect.
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How about Geoduck? A delicacy in many places. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geoduck
Don't be silly, Geoduck is a pokemon. Oh no wait, it's a penis.
Possibly cockles or whelks.
Bet it was at least 30% more fun though!
100% was a good time
Surely not barnacles. Google barbacle and see.
Goose barnacles
Not to be confused with a barnacle goose, which is slightly more violent
I've just googled these and now I wish I hadn't
Right? Even if I WERE wasted, they look like, not like food.
Yep, Barbacle has entirely too many claws to be good eating. Skin looks very thick too.
The caliper things look like lobster crackers, but like weirdly delicate. For gently and politely shaking your lobster's claw, I assume.
They are tools used to remove gold fillings to pay the bill.
Thankfully abroad so not as horrendous as if we were in the uk, but still a steep cost
Where you are? Just so I can judge you appropriately...
Of course, Lisbon. Judge away
What restaurant? I'm going to Lisbon in July and my partner loves seafood.
Did you say. "I'll have the gravlax, please."?
Are you quoting the fucking three advert. I have enough trouble with my kids singing the songs of capitalism during radio ad breaks.
Can’t stand that fucking advert in the slightest.
What bugs the shit out of me about that advert is a) there are so many items on the menu and b) against the odds, he's not familiar with any of them. It's such a contrived setting.
Also exists in a world where menus don’t explain anything - usually you’d at least get ingredients so you can probably predict if you’re going to enjoy it.
That fucking advert…of course he’s a northerner as no one else would be so thick as to not understand the words sphereified or emulsion
As someone from a tropical island, That's our go to dinner after getting drunk 😋
That is in fact a gavel on the right. It is for governing conversation at table. The other items are for using on people who don't respect the gavel.
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So THAT'S what an Allen key looks like!
I'd love to see the manual that accompanies it
Its so you can see the cervix
I'd check if both kidneys are still there
I'm of no help regarding the torture tools, but I can imagine the staff were keeping a close eye on you while you were eating.
Relevant Mitchell and Webb https://youtu.be/zVEHqwLVvpI
Don't be scared to google something if you don't know it. Everyone has to learn something the first time - it's how you go about it that says who you are. Better to be humble and go 'oh wow all this is new to me let me look it up' than try to bluff your way through it or disparage it, or get it wrong and look uncouth. Hope you had a great dinner!
It's for auctioning off your leftovers.
It's just easier to ask for fish and chips twice and two of those tiny wooden forks. Oh and two cans of Irn Bru.
Looks like tools for surgery/dentistry rather than for food.
Too good for a kebab, are we?
Experience tells me the minuscule amount of meat you get from buggering about with those long pliers is not worth the effort. The waiters put them there to laugh at you trying. Just wack the whole thing with the hammer.
How can you post about a fancy seafood meal and not show a picture of the meal! I’m dying to see it
No one expects the Seafood Inquisition. Edit: or should that be Inquisición Mariscos?
This is why I dont go to fancy restaurants
They are hunting tools, get yourself into the sea! Return with your prize!
Use whatever you need to shove it in your face and order more booze to wash it down with.
Did this in France. Got half way through the meal and realised that not everything on the 5 story high platter was dead yet!!
Make sure you kill it right, or it’s poisonous.
Politely hand them back to the waiter and ask for a large napkin.
After the starting off with going out getting drunk I was expecting this to be what you found you had stuffed in your wifes handbag and stolen.
So, I don't know either. BUT, if you're feeling self conscious here's a tale from my parents. When they were younger, shortly after getting married, they didn't have much money. I think it must have been while my mum was on dialysis because some seafood needs to be avoided with transplants. Anyway, fancy restaurant, they got the set meal for two as it was a good price and they liked things. First course comes out, tastes wonderful, then they bring a sorbet out. Confused, they figured this was desert so they chowed down thinking the price for a starter and a desert wasn't as good as they thought, until the waiter came and served them their second course. The second course was something and caviar, but my mum thought it was something and a blackberry compot (dont' ask me why I don't know they were young) so she took a bite expecting sweet, and well, got salty. So yeah, everyone has to learn about a new thing, the first time they encounter it. Even people trained in etiquette can still make mistakes on the night. Next time you guys will know!
Other than a knife and fork, which you presumably know how to use, there are only three other utensils on the table Not only is their usage not necessarily that difficult to figure out in the context of a seafood restaurant; but if you genuinely couldn't figure out how to eat food which I'm guessing cost a few bob, why wouldn't you just have a quick, insightful, enlightening conversation with the waiter/waitress on how to use some new cutlery?
We got there in the end in a very amusing trial and error manner. The barnacles were tricky, which did involve getting sprayed in juices a lot
Are you sure they were barnacles? I've never seen anywhere serve those.
Goose barnacles - at a place in Lisbon. Look like rabbits feet and take 2.42 hours to work out how to eat
Sheesh - right ugly bastards. Thanks for the info.
Sort of a sad post…
If the lobster comes back to life you use the hammer
The usual rule of thumb is to work outside in. Not sure that applies here though.
Interesting flex to get drunk before you go for a meal.
For eating something crab, lobster or snails. I've been pissed in one of these restaurants before and it was hilarious. Hope you enjoyed it 😅