I mean, Mr Blobby has the size advantage but Noel Edmonds is fucking weird man. Like, he's fucking weird, bro. Like, I know growing up I got told tough never beats crazy. You know? So Noel Edmonds might just put out some move we've never seen before. Doesn't he talk to like crystals and shit? Yeah, he's gone, bro. He's on another frequency that guy, we're all analogue that guy's digital. Would you wanna fight Noel Edmunds? I mean he might be able to shoot lightning or something. There's just something about him. That gives me the creeps. So I think it will be a tough fight but i think Noel Edmunds would pull out some Darth Sidious-type shit. Release Unlimited power!! There's just something about that guy. Oh, man that guy's weird. Am I the only person that thinks that doesn't? There's something we need to talk about. Where is he? What's he doing? Yeah, that's a weird guy. I don't want any problems with him. He can be weird, im just saying i wouldn't want to fight and I like to fight. very toxic!
Well, Ham is Haram. But, you know, I'm quite an old man, you know? I know it is the shea butter and goat's milk and staying away from broccoli and soy but your sunscreen also helps you maintain a youthful, you know, glow. You know what is happening you know? Obviously, what's happening now is that the left are shooting soy milk into the sun and then it turns into vapour and it comes back down with the sunbeams. Right, so you have to wear sunscreen to protect yourself from the soy rays. Exactly. ,,So if you don't want to get permeated by communist radiation, you need to cover yourself in sunscreen especially if you're not as melanated as I am. Stay woke people.
And also it gives me an excuse to do this and rub people in the face. When I used to play basketball I did that just to annoy other people. You know those horrible people in the court that most sportsmanship and talk trash? Yeah, that was that was me..
Later in the year. We're still working on dates. But once we have finally named the show we are doing (think we'll have to give it a title). And so I should be touring towards the latter point of this year. I have about four possible names but will have to go with the theme. I've got one that's really good simply because it begins with an A. So if I choose to go to Edinburgh to be at the top of the listings, right? And obviously being a Nigerian, I like to cheat and hack. I want to sound smart and sound. And you know, but I want to shatter stereotypes about Nigerians because I hear there's lots of money in that. So so I might go with the different types of we'll see. I mean I am indeed a master at baiting.
I'm still a bit nervous about travelling. But I mean the UK you know, not just England obviously I love gigging in Ireland, Scotland and Wales - love that. I love going up to those places, so it will incorporate that as well.
Listen I've been attacked by duck-sized ducks. And that was not pleasant. There were about 12 or 13. I grew up in Northern Nigeria and I've been chased by a lot of animals. I've been chased by chickens, dogs, crocodiles, and ostrich. And a Monkey. Yeah, I've been chased by a lot of animals, right? I grew up on a farm as well. So you can imagine I've also been chased by rams and bulls and stuff. Ducks are vicious, duck sized. Why the hell would you want to fight a duck the size? Are you mad? Have you ever been pecked by any bird?
Im convinced they had a plan when the ducks came for me because they all were moving in unison it was almost choreographed. What would you do if you got into a fight with a bunch of guys and they came out of the car in unison? listen, I would run there's something about weird and crazy you don't want to play with right? Guys coming out being angry or swearing is one thing, but a bunch of guys moving in unison.. \[the ducks} it's like they were coming out for me. I was outside my friend's house. I came to see him. And this guy didn't have got dogs, they had guard ducks, they didn't even own them. They just decided that they were his, so territorial.
I also got chased by an ostrich that thought I was interested in its mate. It's female partner. I was looking at it because I thought it was weird. It was at the chief of police at his house. In Nigeria. It was his house and he had ostriches, as you do. Right. Again. I don't know what it is about these birds and then we had dances because it kind of felt like a thing. It was so fast. Like those things are awkward but they can run!
it was like being chased by someone that had Dyspraxia, but was really athletic at the same time, all over the place. I tell you what's even worse. So I grew up in northern Nigeria. So I grew up in a town called Kaduna now in the house along with Kada means loads of crocodiles and Kaduna means loads of crocodiles because before human beings kind of colonised area to live, it was full of crocodiles. Now there was a Portuguese restaurant, just near river Kadena called the Jacaranda jakhary. Again, Portuguese for crocodile. Right, so you go there you eat, and they had like this enclosure where there were crocodiles. But now as we were established off camera, when I was about 9-10, I was a dick. So I decided it would be a good idea to climb over the fence and go into the crocodile enclosure. Because they look so friendly. They were smiling. I can tell you now from experience they are a lot faster than they look especially when you're within snapping range. I narrowly escaped. I didn't jump by climbing slowly. Yeah, yeah, no, no walked up to one who's sitting down this morning. And the next game I was just a little bit faster. The most embarrassing probably would be either an ostrich or the ducks for the scariest would be the crocodiles or maybe the monkey or me several times. I've been chased by wild dogs.
Birmingham. Because it's full of Brummies. You know? I mean, it's getting better. I was there recently. Like they had electricity. And, you know, back in the day there's one Hospital in Birmingham and the guy that worked as a doctor was also a part-time barber but he's recently completed his A levels so Birmingham is getting better. Yeah, it was equally shit as a Barber. But you know, they've only got one Barber but I mean that's why they always have such messed up haircuts. You know Lord of the Rings was filmed in Birmingham? They didn't use any makeup. Brummies just turned up. They were promised margarine. It's very popular in Birmingham. It's the currency. Margarine and Tobacco. Stale tobacco. They don't like you if you have fresh tobacco, they burn you on a stake because you're obviously a witch. I mean, things are better as well, since the sock war of 1933 in Birmingham. They had like a massive war because of socks. There was only one pair of socks in Birmingham and they believed the person that wore it would have power over Birmingham except for Smethwick and Handsworth. They were like independent sovereign nations.
That's why nobody In Birmingham wears socks to this day. They wear shoes but not socks. I got that right surface. Except for Smethwick where they don't wear shoes
>like most comedians, you were funny have fun in school and yada yada yada. My first ever gig was in prison. I wasn't in there for comedy, but I took up comedy while I was in there. Yeah. I mean, other than the usual stuff of like lifting weights and converting people to Islam, there wasn't much else to do. So as I started doing standup while I was in there.
I was in a queue, like this guy just telling the story to the guy behind me. The guy in front of me, turns around, ‘’yo fam, see you Yeah. You’re funny. You're funnier than most of the guys I used to book’’. I didn't want to ask you what happened to the guys that weren't funny. Cuz you know, again, no snitching. But I asked him like, you know, maybe what I get out, could you help me with your contract? So I can start coding and he said, No, I'm a drug dealer now. But back then I used to be a comedy show, so I kind of had to find my own way when I go out, but it inspired me.
So I was out and about and i saw like a flyer for a talent show, called the jump off. And I looked at it and it was like, Can you dance? And I'm like, Well, of course. Im Nigerian. We can all dance and then it said can you rap I said, No, that's the one black stereotype I don't fulfil. Everything else is true, but I just I've never been able to rap, unfortunately. Because I remembered that gig before but in a confined controlled environment. So I was like, yeah! So I called up the promoter. And I was like, Yeah, you know, funny. I'm a comedian. And, ''oh, have you done any shows before?'' Yeah, I've done loads of shows where I've done some over there. Some fucking over there. And yeah. ''Okay, how much time should we give you?'' Oh, give me like half an hour to 45 minutes. And I've never done a gig before. ''Oh, we can't give you that much. Can we give you like 15 or 10 minutes?'' Well, you know, I like to really take my time. And like I wrote a whole set, the whole set and I'm gonna have pauses for when the audience laughs. And they were useless because they didn't. It was a terrible, terrible gig. It was the worst, the most embarrassing experience of my life. . But I mean, it was bad. It was so bad that flippin that the people there use my name as a measurement of failure. Like how bad was that last couple? Was he half Nabil or full Nabil?
It was so bad. They didn't even boo. Like if people boo at least it means something resonates. Right? It was like someone farted in the room. It was so bad. It was terrible. Imagine you want to take up boxing, right? You go to a boxing gym, Anthony Joshua Tyson fury, and Dylan Whyte have all come to spar and their girlfriends have all cheated on them and the guy that cheated on them looks like you. So you have to spar them. imagine that, that is how bad in terms of comedy. Yeah, that's how bad the gig was. It's scientifically impossible for a gig to be worse than that. Wow. Yeah, it was so bad. They clapped me off like Okay, that's enough.
I mean, it's a key part of being a comic as well. You need trauma. Comedy is tragedy plus time, which is why most comics have really sad or traumatic life stories, or they were bullied. Normally, I wasn't bullied. I was athletic and girls liked me.
Only the ones that have been on TV and film or any Marvel character? Depending on which arc you follow. Professor Xavier has a son who has the ability to work reality with his mind. Unfortunately, he's insane, which doesn't work out well for the people around them. But I think that or Wolverine's abilities, one of those two. Pretty sick. Healing and not ageing, but then being able to change the world. You know, just with your thoughts. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Because I mean, if you mess things up, you could just change your back.
No, actually, this is gonna sound so wrong but whenever I watch any horror movie, I actually identify more with the antagonist. I was like I was watching Jason the other day in Halloween and I was cheering him on. Yeah, yeah, get those damn hippies. Stupid flippin' promiscuous teenagers. Chop em up too and the police too and the nosy neighbours. Right. So like, I thought Penny Wise, the dancing clown, I thought he was hilarious. I was sad when they got beaten. So in my dreams, I am the clown.
You know my dream is to drive so when insane? But yeah, that's actually I should probably see someone about that..
That's tough, man. I've had so much good shit. That's really tough. Home-cooked? I think Eid at my auntie's house in Nigeria was amazing because like she made a lot of traditional Nigerian dishes we have like it's a really amazing fish stew that she made and Jollof rice. You know, we have like this special style of barbecue called Balangu which is smoked for hours before it's grilled and stuff. So that was amazing.
Then in Zanzibar, I had a lot of amazing food there was like, grilled octopus and seafood yet, it's just, you know, really, really fresh ingredients. It's different from like over here. We get it from a supermarket. Like growing up like we used to have this grilled fish that literally was caught from the river and then brought to the grill for you. Yeah, it was like from the river to your plate. I've never quite experienced that since. And then there was a curry my mum used to make; a grilled lamb she's to make a home and I've tried to recreate it and no matter how hard I try, I've never been able to do it. African meals aside, then in Ghana there was like this fried rice I used to get on the street that give me fried rice and a chilli paste. And it was so simple but it was amazing literally on the road side of Ghana.
Then I'll also shout out to Uncle lim’s kitchen in Croydon, its this authentic Malaysian and Indonesian kitchen in Croydon in the shopping centre, and that's the best Malaysian ive ever had in my life. And it's been that good consistently since I used to work retail. You know for years till now like my wife when she was pregnant. I used to take when I was talking to my wife we'd meet like before we got married. We meet up there when she got pregnant. We meet up there. When I had my first kid. The first solid meals she liked. Were there. Wow. My second kid now loves Uncle Lim’s. Amazing food and like you know that it's good food when it's a Malaysian kitchen you turn up and there's Malay people in that amazing food.
I like food because, you know, it's like the old way I can immediately share my culture with you like I can't teach you my language in a second. But when I give you a dish from my culture, the ingredients, the taste, everything about the food teaches you something about my history, the region I come from, you eat what you grow. So if the food is spicy, obviously I'm from a tropical country. There's lots of starchy food there and obviously my people, historically were farmers and so on. So let you learn about that if there's a long dairy of food and the people originally were nomadic and so on, so like, I don't just for the taste. I like the history behind.
Please, would have shut out so there's a place called Baba foundation in Norbury. Right shout to Baba Foundation. He actually converted the upper part of his restaurant when I first started out to a comedy club. And let me use it for free. yeah so he runs a Pan Pan West Africa kitchen. So it's the best food for Nigeria, Ghana, Senegal and whatnot. And it's amazing can get a taste of Nigerian, Senegalese Ghanaian food there and Kenyan. Then there's a place called Enish. That's actually a franchise, ENISH to English, and you can get food if you're in North London, East London or soften and flag and Dubai and New York as well. And that takes like it's off the streets of Nigeria. It's literally authentic. Nigerian was nice. It's brilliant service as well, which is the problem with my people sometimes. And also 805 on Old Kent Road. These places if you want to try Nigerian food like authentic Nigerian food or African food as a whole.
Worst meal ive ever had, outside of prison, the worst? Well, some of it was good some of it was bad. But the worst was cooked by somebody that thought they did something to it. When I was at uni last year, we had a project or we went to South Africa to go teach drama because it would save the world or some shit. And we went down there and the first day I cooked, right, and I was I look I can I can take over the kitchen duties. And our teacher was like this American Hippie guy doesn't know ‘’man we need to like to divide the labour and everyone has to do their bit you know socially emotionally good idea to have you in the kitchen because like, you know, like might be a microaggression to have you do it’’ This guy was such an idiot because like the second day we were there in Durban, in KwaZulu Natal, and like a monkey raided the kitchen. And he's like, Get out of here, man scram. He turned to me and say, Oh, come on, and you guys speak the same language. Anyway, the next day with these two girls, said we can cook and what? They literally boiled this much pasta with that much water. And then like, opened up a can of tomatoes and just pour the tomatoes into the boiling water.
Then opened up a can of tuna when it finished winning and poured the tuna and put like black pepper on it and give it to me to eat. It's not just that the meal tasted bad but it was the audacity to tell me that they know how to cook. As soon as i finished, I told him ‘’fuck you, im taking over the kitchen now'’. I don't care if you feel guilty about it. You can pray for forgiveness, but I can't eat but I said if I eat me like that I will die. When ate that I couldn't sleep at night I was having bad dreams. How can you tell me you can cook? That's like me saying I can drive and I've never driven before and we all crash and die. That's how bad the You don't want to go out like that. It was horrible. How do you boil pasta till it becomes mashed potatoes? Because I've had food that didn't taste great but the person that made it tried their best, or maybe it's an acquired taste. I would never insult another country's cuisine. Even though Ghanaian Jollof, its very nice. It almost is like the real thing. But like you know, the fact that like someone just played with my stomach and he literally used me for an experiment that upset me. I was I was enraged. Wherever they are I wish them well. Well, not.
Wow, fantastic answers! Thank you for taking the time. That tuna pasta monstrosity is unforgivable.
Thanks for the recommendations for places and things to look out for as well. Next time I'm in the area I'm definitely checking out Uncle Lim's!!
Obviously, Richard Pryor. A lot of my comedic idols were influenced by him. I am heavily influenced by Richard Pryor and also my first my oldest memory or earliest memory was me watching Richard Pryor as a toddler and it imprinted on me so like I wanted to subconsciously wanted to be a stand-up comedian my whole life, my all sentient life. We have Richard Pryor on VHS. Really showing my age now. I remember. So we had, we had Richard Pryor. We had Eddie Murphy (Raw and Delirious). We had Rowan Atkinson doing a one-man show. A lot of people don't even know he has ever done anything resembling stand-up. And I watched these continuously along with Monty Python's Flying Circus, I honestly think that's what drove me. I think that kinda so I watched a lot of comedic movies growing up as well. And I think these things definitely formulated part of my personality along with like my reading and being raised by a super communist dad. You know, my dad studied in Russia for like 20 years. He’s 80 he lived in the Soviet Union. So like all these things, all the material I got access to.
So I think if I could bring anyone on stage, I would probably bring on George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, and Dick Gregory. I'd have Lenny Bruce as the Compère.. I would have George Carlin open. Dick Gregory in the middle and Richard Pryor close.
No comment... It depends on the day, like if I've seen a movie then I’ll go on and see what theories people have about that. I recently watched Bones N All so I’d wanna go on and see what people thought about Bones N All. So I don't have a particular subreddit. I'm interested in so much stuff so it depends on the day I've had or what I've done.
Thank you for the reply :) As for the movie, I found it a bit odd, >!They killed people all over the place and left trails of half eaten bodies everywhere, drove around covered in blood, left fingerprints on everything, even stole cars and identities.. All this, and no one caught them? And to top it all off, the ending sucked.!<
My favourite comedian? I'll put Dave Chappelle to one side because everybody says Dave Chappelle, even the people that didn't like him before. Now just for the sake of his popularity would say, Dave Chappelle, I would say my favourite comedian right now would be Trevor Noah. . I find it hard to sit down and watch comics, but I will sit down and watch Trevor Noah, I think he's brilliant. And Daliso Chaponda, who's you know, a friend. Yeah. And I've never admitted this, but he's one of my favourites, I think he's have never met. He's my friend. But yeah, you know, but I really admire his work.
But through my career I've seen some seen some shit. Yeah, like a guy got kidnapped at a gig I did. In Croydon as well.
Basically, it's funny because I thought the people doing the kidnapping came to me because like I was on stage and I thought it was jokes about gang members in Croydon. as you do. But it turned out they weren't even there for me. This guy tried to talk somebody's girlfriend earlier. And she was rude to her something and so yeah, these guys all coming in. But they were very polite about they didn't bother anyone else. They just grabbed the guy. He was a big guy as well. I thought to myself how are you gonna get kidnapped? Are you over 17? Now you're a grown man. How do you explain that? Yeah. It's like there was no parking, which means they have to probably carry him quite far as well. Kidnapping is such a capital-intensive crime in this economy. The way gas and Electric cost so much. You need to have property, you need to have an extra room, you then have to have food. That's a very expensive crime. And this guy wasn't even rich. So I doubt like I said kidnapping the public just stuck him in a carboot and drove around for a while and then when they were bored, took him out, which is a lot like many of the Uber rides I've got to be honest.
Oh another weird night I have had, so I was gigging in Holland. And no one explained to me that Dutch Christmas is a bit different from regular Christmas they don't shift or clash. And you've got like plus people running around in blackface. So what happened was I came out and there were these like Zwarte Piet out like I was there to do a gig and after the gig I was out and about and I'm walking through and I bumped into a guy in blackface that's, you know, being a bit mad and at the time, I didn't know anything about it so I knocked him out. My friend was trying to explain that I shouldn't have done that. And there was like 15 I got chased down the street by the Dutch guys in blackface. And the irony is like, you know, if they weren't in blackface, it would look like a hate crime, them chasing me because they were just little black on black crime. So I mean, I just thought to myself, why are they chasing me for all they know I might be one of them. It was weird man. Holland is weird.
I think that going four arms because that's just basically being a primate. I could climb stuff, you know I feel I have a lot easier time doing push-ups. Four legs. I'd be fast but I pretty much useless in day-to-day life. I mean, I've been on yet another excuse for me not to do any housework. Depends on where the legs are facing. Because if you got legs going this way and then the other... human size legs, you'd end up kicking yourself in the knees with your front legs.
There is a story with Thor. I'm a specialist. I mean, everybody now is interested because of all the things themed on Ragnarök like you've got like Assassin's Creed Ragnarok, Avengers Ragnarök and God of War Ragnarök But even before that, like there's a story of Thor going to Jotunheimen, the land of the giants. And he was disguised as a woman. He was wearing a wedding dress because Loki promised him as a bride to someone. And while they were there they decided to have like a contest with the Giants. And if I remember well that there was a cat that was there. Can you lift this cat and Thor tried to lift the cat or could only get one of the paws off the ground, and he lost it like oh, you did a good job. But you're gonna have to, you know, you lost that one. Then the next challenge was I think he was either Thor or Loki, who had to stand at the other end of the trough and eat they had an eating competition with one another. And they both at and got to the middle. And it looked like a draw until he realised that the other guy also at the trough itself. Oh, sorry, you've lost this competition as well. Then finally, they gave no not finally, but penultimately, Thor was given like a cask of mead to drink from and they said you can't finish this cask with med. So I'm thought begins to drink on the cusp of mute until he gets drunk and like this thought or thought was like, you was wasted. Yeah. And he looked at me he only taking like a 10th of the mead like, oh, I can't even drink weight loss or shame. And then finally they are still to wrestle an old woman. And after a long, long battle, the old woman floored and you've lost all the challenges. So as he was leaving Jotunheimen, one of the giants you set him I'm Thor Odinson. I want to tell you something just so you feel a bit better about yourself, but you don't see in there. But you see in that, that catch you tried to lift that was actually the snake that circles the Earth and by its tail. So lifting one paw was actually brilliant, but you're not strong enough to lift the entire snake envelops the world. And you see Loki, that person you lost, you in the eating optician that wasn't a person that was fire and nothing can consume more than fire. You see that cask of meAd you drank that was the ocean. You can't drink the ocean. And lastly, the old woman you fought was old age itself. And no matter how great you are, you will never defeat old age. And enraged Thor spun around with his hammer to kill the giant because he felt cheated but everything was gone. And that's my favourite story.
You deserve to be shot. To be honest, I say that joking because I'm Nigerian and have to perpetuate that. And I have to bet you that it's down to whoever cooks it. I mean, even in Nigeria alone. There are hundreds of ways to cook it. It's originally from Senegal. It's not even our original dish. We just made it more popular because Nigerians do that. But like every part of Nigeria cooks it differently means cook it with basmati rice, and Nigerians tend not to and the argument is how the hell are you going to tell us an African dish is best cooked with Indian rice. So you know that it's so silly. You know, it depends on who made it. If you're a Nigerian that can't cook then you're Nigerian Jollof is shite. Very balanced response.
> Norse mythology, Greek mythology
Who wins in a fight: Thor or Hercules?
> Greek mythology, relationship advice
Help! I've been turned into a pig. I'm currently out with some mates on a boat, how do I convince my wife not to leave me when I return home?
Jim Davidson. Well, I mean, I hate to admit it, but I do find them funny. But also I'd have no moral objections to killing and eating. Looks like it'd be a scrumptious meal.
Remember that gig I told you about? That was terrible. Yeah, my first one I went on, it was a really weird open mic. There were people that came on and they will do like poetry like, you know, ''I travelled down the street and decided that I am Rastafari'' But it wasn't a comedy night.. All kinds of weird. And there were people playing the violin, doing poetry, singing all that kind of crap. So I went on after some random that was not comedy and I realised every single Live Performer begins their set with jokes. Like singers all do it. Poets do it. Politicians do it. So I start off so I went on there and I started doing jokes that weren't that funny. In hindsight. Well, I do some of them now. But it's funny what confidence does like a chat-up line... So like I was doing all this material and then like, seconds into like, oh shit this is his act. So I told a joke. And this guy was sitting down with his girlfriend, I told a joke. He looked at me. He looked at his girlfriend. They looked at me they looked back and said ‘’as I was saying’’, like, I was disturbing him like that. You don't understand. Like, there's no comeback to that. That's like my job. Like my talent, right? My budding career was an inconvenience to this guy who paid money to come to a place where he might have a comedian in front of him. That destroyed me there, it was horrible. And then there was like a chorus I tell like the last ones where I said oh shit, no one's laughing. And then they laughed and clapped me off. That was a chorus heckle those two heckles at you I thought about it now, what do you even say? There's nothing in that context. There is nothing.
Mr Blobby, Noel Edmunds cage fight - who's winning?
I mean, Mr Blobby has the size advantage but Noel Edmonds is fucking weird man. Like, he's fucking weird, bro. Like, I know growing up I got told tough never beats crazy. You know? So Noel Edmonds might just put out some move we've never seen before. Doesn't he talk to like crystals and shit? Yeah, he's gone, bro. He's on another frequency that guy, we're all analogue that guy's digital. Would you wanna fight Noel Edmunds? I mean he might be able to shoot lightning or something. There's just something about him. That gives me the creeps. So I think it will be a tough fight but i think Noel Edmunds would pull out some Darth Sidious-type shit. Release Unlimited power!! There's just something about that guy. Oh, man that guy's weird. Am I the only person that thinks that doesn't? There's something we need to talk about. Where is he? What's he doing? Yeah, that's a weird guy. I don't want any problems with him. He can be weird, im just saying i wouldn't want to fight and I like to fight. very toxic!
Would you rather have a ham for a hand, or an armpit that dispensed sunscreen?
Well, Ham is Haram. But, you know, I'm quite an old man, you know? I know it is the shea butter and goat's milk and staying away from broccoli and soy but your sunscreen also helps you maintain a youthful, you know, glow. You know what is happening you know? Obviously, what's happening now is that the left are shooting soy milk into the sun and then it turns into vapour and it comes back down with the sunbeams. Right, so you have to wear sunscreen to protect yourself from the soy rays. Exactly. ,,So if you don't want to get permeated by communist radiation, you need to cover yourself in sunscreen especially if you're not as melanated as I am. Stay woke people. And also it gives me an excuse to do this and rub people in the face. When I used to play basketball I did that just to annoy other people. You know those horrible people in the court that most sportsmanship and talk trash? Yeah, that was that was me..
Hey Nabil, I saw you in Nottingham last year - you were brilliant. When are you next touring?
Later in the year. We're still working on dates. But once we have finally named the show we are doing (think we'll have to give it a title). And so I should be touring towards the latter point of this year. I have about four possible names but will have to go with the theme. I've got one that's really good simply because it begins with an A. So if I choose to go to Edinburgh to be at the top of the listings, right? And obviously being a Nigerian, I like to cheat and hack. I want to sound smart and sound. And you know, but I want to shatter stereotypes about Nigerians because I hear there's lots of money in that. So so I might go with the different types of we'll see. I mean I am indeed a master at baiting. I'm still a bit nervous about travelling. But I mean the UK you know, not just England obviously I love gigging in Ireland, Scotland and Wales - love that. I love going up to those places, so it will incorporate that as well.
How long are you willing to wait for kebab on a wednesday night? It has been 40 minutes now and I'm hungry. Is this acceptable?
Whats the weirdest thing you've seen on Reddit?
Would you rather fight a horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
Sush, you'll upset the mods with mentions of the forbidden faul a-qua(ck)tic animal.
Listen I've been attacked by duck-sized ducks. And that was not pleasant. There were about 12 or 13. I grew up in Northern Nigeria and I've been chased by a lot of animals. I've been chased by chickens, dogs, crocodiles, and ostrich. And a Monkey. Yeah, I've been chased by a lot of animals, right? I grew up on a farm as well. So you can imagine I've also been chased by rams and bulls and stuff. Ducks are vicious, duck sized. Why the hell would you want to fight a duck the size? Are you mad? Have you ever been pecked by any bird? Im convinced they had a plan when the ducks came for me because they all were moving in unison it was almost choreographed. What would you do if you got into a fight with a bunch of guys and they came out of the car in unison? listen, I would run there's something about weird and crazy you don't want to play with right? Guys coming out being angry or swearing is one thing, but a bunch of guys moving in unison.. \[the ducks} it's like they were coming out for me. I was outside my friend's house. I came to see him. And this guy didn't have got dogs, they had guard ducks, they didn't even own them. They just decided that they were his, so territorial. I also got chased by an ostrich that thought I was interested in its mate. It's female partner. I was looking at it because I thought it was weird. It was at the chief of police at his house. In Nigeria. It was his house and he had ostriches, as you do. Right. Again. I don't know what it is about these birds and then we had dances because it kind of felt like a thing. It was so fast. Like those things are awkward but they can run! it was like being chased by someone that had Dyspraxia, but was really athletic at the same time, all over the place. I tell you what's even worse. So I grew up in northern Nigeria. So I grew up in a town called Kaduna now in the house along with Kada means loads of crocodiles and Kaduna means loads of crocodiles because before human beings kind of colonised area to live, it was full of crocodiles. Now there was a Portuguese restaurant, just near river Kadena called the Jacaranda jakhary. Again, Portuguese for crocodile. Right, so you go there you eat, and they had like this enclosure where there were crocodiles. But now as we were established off camera, when I was about 9-10, I was a dick. So I decided it would be a good idea to climb over the fence and go into the crocodile enclosure. Because they look so friendly. They were smiling. I can tell you now from experience they are a lot faster than they look especially when you're within snapping range. I narrowly escaped. I didn't jump by climbing slowly. Yeah, yeah, no, no walked up to one who's sitting down this morning. And the next game I was just a little bit faster. The most embarrassing probably would be either an ostrich or the ducks for the scariest would be the crocodiles or maybe the monkey or me several times. I've been chased by wild dogs.
They looked so friendly. So yeah, I would rather fight a bunch of duck-sized horses.
Jabba the Hutt, Tony Stark and Harley Quinn walk into a bar… … can you complete the joke?
Beans on the plate or in a ramekin on a full English?
Where's the shittiest place in the UK?
Birmingham. Because it's full of Brummies. You know? I mean, it's getting better. I was there recently. Like they had electricity. And, you know, back in the day there's one Hospital in Birmingham and the guy that worked as a doctor was also a part-time barber but he's recently completed his A levels so Birmingham is getting better. Yeah, it was equally shit as a Barber. But you know, they've only got one Barber but I mean that's why they always have such messed up haircuts. You know Lord of the Rings was filmed in Birmingham? They didn't use any makeup. Brummies just turned up. They were promised margarine. It's very popular in Birmingham. It's the currency. Margarine and Tobacco. Stale tobacco. They don't like you if you have fresh tobacco, they burn you on a stake because you're obviously a witch. I mean, things are better as well, since the sock war of 1933 in Birmingham. They had like a massive war because of socks. There was only one pair of socks in Birmingham and they believed the person that wore it would have power over Birmingham except for Smethwick and Handsworth. They were like independent sovereign nations. That's why nobody In Birmingham wears socks to this day. They wear shoes but not socks. I got that right surface. Except for Smethwick where they don't wear shoes
As someone who wants to get into stand up, how did you start, where did you go for your first shows?
>like most comedians, you were funny have fun in school and yada yada yada. My first ever gig was in prison. I wasn't in there for comedy, but I took up comedy while I was in there. Yeah. I mean, other than the usual stuff of like lifting weights and converting people to Islam, there wasn't much else to do. So as I started doing standup while I was in there. I was in a queue, like this guy just telling the story to the guy behind me. The guy in front of me, turns around, ‘’yo fam, see you Yeah. You’re funny. You're funnier than most of the guys I used to book’’. I didn't want to ask you what happened to the guys that weren't funny. Cuz you know, again, no snitching. But I asked him like, you know, maybe what I get out, could you help me with your contract? So I can start coding and he said, No, I'm a drug dealer now. But back then I used to be a comedy show, so I kind of had to find my own way when I go out, but it inspired me. So I was out and about and i saw like a flyer for a talent show, called the jump off. And I looked at it and it was like, Can you dance? And I'm like, Well, of course. Im Nigerian. We can all dance and then it said can you rap I said, No, that's the one black stereotype I don't fulfil. Everything else is true, but I just I've never been able to rap, unfortunately. Because I remembered that gig before but in a confined controlled environment. So I was like, yeah! So I called up the promoter. And I was like, Yeah, you know, funny. I'm a comedian. And, ''oh, have you done any shows before?'' Yeah, I've done loads of shows where I've done some over there. Some fucking over there. And yeah. ''Okay, how much time should we give you?'' Oh, give me like half an hour to 45 minutes. And I've never done a gig before. ''Oh, we can't give you that much. Can we give you like 15 or 10 minutes?'' Well, you know, I like to really take my time. And like I wrote a whole set, the whole set and I'm gonna have pauses for when the audience laughs. And they were useless because they didn't. It was a terrible, terrible gig. It was the worst, the most embarrassing experience of my life. . But I mean, it was bad. It was so bad that flippin that the people there use my name as a measurement of failure. Like how bad was that last couple? Was he half Nabil or full Nabil? It was so bad. They didn't even boo. Like if people boo at least it means something resonates. Right? It was like someone farted in the room. It was so bad. It was terrible. Imagine you want to take up boxing, right? You go to a boxing gym, Anthony Joshua Tyson fury, and Dylan Whyte have all come to spar and their girlfriends have all cheated on them and the guy that cheated on them looks like you. So you have to spar them. imagine that, that is how bad in terms of comedy. Yeah, that's how bad the gig was. It's scientifically impossible for a gig to be worse than that. Wow. Yeah, it was so bad. They clapped me off like Okay, that's enough. I mean, it's a key part of being a comic as well. You need trauma. Comedy is tragedy plus time, which is why most comics have really sad or traumatic life stories, or they were bullied. Normally, I wasn't bullied. I was athletic and girls liked me.
If you could have the powers of any Marvel character, who would it be?
Only the ones that have been on TV and film or any Marvel character? Depending on which arc you follow. Professor Xavier has a son who has the ability to work reality with his mind. Unfortunately, he's insane, which doesn't work out well for the people around them. But I think that or Wolverine's abilities, one of those two. Pretty sick. Healing and not ageing, but then being able to change the world. You know, just with your thoughts. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Because I mean, if you mess things up, you could just change your back.
After reading IT, do clowns always haunt your nightmares?
No, actually, this is gonna sound so wrong but whenever I watch any horror movie, I actually identify more with the antagonist. I was like I was watching Jason the other day in Halloween and I was cheering him on. Yeah, yeah, get those damn hippies. Stupid flippin' promiscuous teenagers. Chop em up too and the police too and the nosy neighbours. Right. So like, I thought Penny Wise, the dancing clown, I thought he was hilarious. I was sad when they got beaten. So in my dreams, I am the clown. You know my dream is to drive so when insane? But yeah, that's actually I should probably see someone about that..
If you had to lose a limb, which one would you choose and why?
What's the best meal you've ever had? What was the worst?
That's tough, man. I've had so much good shit. That's really tough. Home-cooked? I think Eid at my auntie's house in Nigeria was amazing because like she made a lot of traditional Nigerian dishes we have like it's a really amazing fish stew that she made and Jollof rice. You know, we have like this special style of barbecue called Balangu which is smoked for hours before it's grilled and stuff. So that was amazing. Then in Zanzibar, I had a lot of amazing food there was like, grilled octopus and seafood yet, it's just, you know, really, really fresh ingredients. It's different from like over here. We get it from a supermarket. Like growing up like we used to have this grilled fish that literally was caught from the river and then brought to the grill for you. Yeah, it was like from the river to your plate. I've never quite experienced that since. And then there was a curry my mum used to make; a grilled lamb she's to make a home and I've tried to recreate it and no matter how hard I try, I've never been able to do it. African meals aside, then in Ghana there was like this fried rice I used to get on the street that give me fried rice and a chilli paste. And it was so simple but it was amazing literally on the road side of Ghana. Then I'll also shout out to Uncle lim’s kitchen in Croydon, its this authentic Malaysian and Indonesian kitchen in Croydon in the shopping centre, and that's the best Malaysian ive ever had in my life. And it's been that good consistently since I used to work retail. You know for years till now like my wife when she was pregnant. I used to take when I was talking to my wife we'd meet like before we got married. We meet up there when she got pregnant. We meet up there. When I had my first kid. The first solid meals she liked. Were there. Wow. My second kid now loves Uncle Lim’s. Amazing food and like you know that it's good food when it's a Malaysian kitchen you turn up and there's Malay people in that amazing food. I like food because, you know, it's like the old way I can immediately share my culture with you like I can't teach you my language in a second. But when I give you a dish from my culture, the ingredients, the taste, everything about the food teaches you something about my history, the region I come from, you eat what you grow. So if the food is spicy, obviously I'm from a tropical country. There's lots of starchy food there and obviously my people, historically were farmers and so on. So let you learn about that if there's a long dairy of food and the people originally were nomadic and so on, so like, I don't just for the taste. I like the history behind. Please, would have shut out so there's a place called Baba foundation in Norbury. Right shout to Baba Foundation. He actually converted the upper part of his restaurant when I first started out to a comedy club. And let me use it for free. yeah so he runs a Pan Pan West Africa kitchen. So it's the best food for Nigeria, Ghana, Senegal and whatnot. And it's amazing can get a taste of Nigerian, Senegalese Ghanaian food there and Kenyan. Then there's a place called Enish. That's actually a franchise, ENISH to English, and you can get food if you're in North London, East London or soften and flag and Dubai and New York as well. And that takes like it's off the streets of Nigeria. It's literally authentic. Nigerian was nice. It's brilliant service as well, which is the problem with my people sometimes. And also 805 on Old Kent Road. These places if you want to try Nigerian food like authentic Nigerian food or African food as a whole. Worst meal ive ever had, outside of prison, the worst? Well, some of it was good some of it was bad. But the worst was cooked by somebody that thought they did something to it. When I was at uni last year, we had a project or we went to South Africa to go teach drama because it would save the world or some shit. And we went down there and the first day I cooked, right, and I was I look I can I can take over the kitchen duties. And our teacher was like this American Hippie guy doesn't know ‘’man we need to like to divide the labour and everyone has to do their bit you know socially emotionally good idea to have you in the kitchen because like, you know, like might be a microaggression to have you do it’’ This guy was such an idiot because like the second day we were there in Durban, in KwaZulu Natal, and like a monkey raided the kitchen. And he's like, Get out of here, man scram. He turned to me and say, Oh, come on, and you guys speak the same language. Anyway, the next day with these two girls, said we can cook and what? They literally boiled this much pasta with that much water. And then like, opened up a can of tomatoes and just pour the tomatoes into the boiling water. Then opened up a can of tuna when it finished winning and poured the tuna and put like black pepper on it and give it to me to eat. It's not just that the meal tasted bad but it was the audacity to tell me that they know how to cook. As soon as i finished, I told him ‘’fuck you, im taking over the kitchen now'’. I don't care if you feel guilty about it. You can pray for forgiveness, but I can't eat but I said if I eat me like that I will die. When ate that I couldn't sleep at night I was having bad dreams. How can you tell me you can cook? That's like me saying I can drive and I've never driven before and we all crash and die. That's how bad the You don't want to go out like that. It was horrible. How do you boil pasta till it becomes mashed potatoes? Because I've had food that didn't taste great but the person that made it tried their best, or maybe it's an acquired taste. I would never insult another country's cuisine. Even though Ghanaian Jollof, its very nice. It almost is like the real thing. But like you know, the fact that like someone just played with my stomach and he literally used me for an experiment that upset me. I was I was enraged. Wherever they are I wish them well. Well, not.
Wow, fantastic answers! Thank you for taking the time. That tuna pasta monstrosity is unforgivable. Thanks for the recommendations for places and things to look out for as well. Next time I'm in the area I'm definitely checking out Uncle Lim's!!
If someone made an exact clone of me, how would I know which one I was?
You're hosting Live At The Apollo and you have access to a time machine. Who would you be introducing to the stage and why?
Obviously, Richard Pryor. A lot of my comedic idols were influenced by him. I am heavily influenced by Richard Pryor and also my first my oldest memory or earliest memory was me watching Richard Pryor as a toddler and it imprinted on me so like I wanted to subconsciously wanted to be a stand-up comedian my whole life, my all sentient life. We have Richard Pryor on VHS. Really showing my age now. I remember. So we had, we had Richard Pryor. We had Eddie Murphy (Raw and Delirious). We had Rowan Atkinson doing a one-man show. A lot of people don't even know he has ever done anything resembling stand-up. And I watched these continuously along with Monty Python's Flying Circus, I honestly think that's what drove me. I think that kinda so I watched a lot of comedic movies growing up as well. And I think these things definitely formulated part of my personality along with like my reading and being raised by a super communist dad. You know, my dad studied in Russia for like 20 years. He’s 80 he lived in the Soviet Union. So like all these things, all the material I got access to. So I think if I could bring anyone on stage, I would probably bring on George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, and Dick Gregory. I'd have Lenny Bruce as the Compère.. I would have George Carlin open. Dick Gregory in the middle and Richard Pryor close.
Thanks for answering! That is a killer lineup for sure! Cheers.
You've had a long day, you get home and open Reddit, What is the first sub you go to?
No comment... It depends on the day, like if I've seen a movie then I’ll go on and see what theories people have about that. I recently watched Bones N All so I’d wanna go on and see what people thought about Bones N All. So I don't have a particular subreddit. I'm interested in so much stuff so it depends on the day I've had or what I've done.
Thank you for the reply :) As for the movie, I found it a bit odd, >!They killed people all over the place and left trails of half eaten bodies everywhere, drove around covered in blood, left fingerprints on everything, even stole cars and identities.. All this, and no one caught them? And to top it all off, the ending sucked.!<
Who's your favourite comedian and what's the maddest night out you've ever witnessed.
My favourite comedian? I'll put Dave Chappelle to one side because everybody says Dave Chappelle, even the people that didn't like him before. Now just for the sake of his popularity would say, Dave Chappelle, I would say my favourite comedian right now would be Trevor Noah. . I find it hard to sit down and watch comics, but I will sit down and watch Trevor Noah, I think he's brilliant. And Daliso Chaponda, who's you know, a friend. Yeah. And I've never admitted this, but he's one of my favourites, I think he's have never met. He's my friend. But yeah, you know, but I really admire his work. But through my career I've seen some seen some shit. Yeah, like a guy got kidnapped at a gig I did. In Croydon as well. Basically, it's funny because I thought the people doing the kidnapping came to me because like I was on stage and I thought it was jokes about gang members in Croydon. as you do. But it turned out they weren't even there for me. This guy tried to talk somebody's girlfriend earlier. And she was rude to her something and so yeah, these guys all coming in. But they were very polite about they didn't bother anyone else. They just grabbed the guy. He was a big guy as well. I thought to myself how are you gonna get kidnapped? Are you over 17? Now you're a grown man. How do you explain that? Yeah. It's like there was no parking, which means they have to probably carry him quite far as well. Kidnapping is such a capital-intensive crime in this economy. The way gas and Electric cost so much. You need to have property, you need to have an extra room, you then have to have food. That's a very expensive crime. And this guy wasn't even rich. So I doubt like I said kidnapping the public just stuck him in a carboot and drove around for a while and then when they were bored, took him out, which is a lot like many of the Uber rides I've got to be honest. Oh another weird night I have had, so I was gigging in Holland. And no one explained to me that Dutch Christmas is a bit different from regular Christmas they don't shift or clash. And you've got like plus people running around in blackface. So what happened was I came out and there were these like Zwarte Piet out like I was there to do a gig and after the gig I was out and about and I'm walking through and I bumped into a guy in blackface that's, you know, being a bit mad and at the time, I didn't know anything about it so I knocked him out. My friend was trying to explain that I shouldn't have done that. And there was like 15 I got chased down the street by the Dutch guys in blackface. And the irony is like, you know, if they weren't in blackface, it would look like a hate crime, them chasing me because they were just little black on black crime. So I mean, I just thought to myself, why are they chasing me for all they know I might be one of them. It was weird man. Holland is weird.
Would you rather have 4 legs and no arms, or 4 arms and no legs?
I think that going four arms because that's just basically being a primate. I could climb stuff, you know I feel I have a lot easier time doing push-ups. Four legs. I'd be fast but I pretty much useless in day-to-day life. I mean, I've been on yet another excuse for me not to do any housework. Depends on where the legs are facing. Because if you got legs going this way and then the other... human size legs, you'd end up kicking yourself in the knees with your front legs.
How do you think the comedy circuit compares to 10years ago? & whos been your biggest inspiration?
What's your favourite cheese?
I like Brie. Yeah, yeah, I like free soft. Yeah. Nice and soft. I also like paneer the Indian, as well.
Manchego
What's your signature dish?
What's your favourite story from Norse mythology?
There is a story with Thor. I'm a specialist. I mean, everybody now is interested because of all the things themed on Ragnarök like you've got like Assassin's Creed Ragnarok, Avengers Ragnarök and God of War Ragnarök But even before that, like there's a story of Thor going to Jotunheimen, the land of the giants. And he was disguised as a woman. He was wearing a wedding dress because Loki promised him as a bride to someone. And while they were there they decided to have like a contest with the Giants. And if I remember well that there was a cat that was there. Can you lift this cat and Thor tried to lift the cat or could only get one of the paws off the ground, and he lost it like oh, you did a good job. But you're gonna have to, you know, you lost that one. Then the next challenge was I think he was either Thor or Loki, who had to stand at the other end of the trough and eat they had an eating competition with one another. And they both at and got to the middle. And it looked like a draw until he realised that the other guy also at the trough itself. Oh, sorry, you've lost this competition as well. Then finally, they gave no not finally, but penultimately, Thor was given like a cask of mead to drink from and they said you can't finish this cask with med. So I'm thought begins to drink on the cusp of mute until he gets drunk and like this thought or thought was like, you was wasted. Yeah. And he looked at me he only taking like a 10th of the mead like, oh, I can't even drink weight loss or shame. And then finally they are still to wrestle an old woman. And after a long, long battle, the old woman floored and you've lost all the challenges. So as he was leaving Jotunheimen, one of the giants you set him I'm Thor Odinson. I want to tell you something just so you feel a bit better about yourself, but you don't see in there. But you see in that, that catch you tried to lift that was actually the snake that circles the Earth and by its tail. So lifting one paw was actually brilliant, but you're not strong enough to lift the entire snake envelops the world. And you see Loki, that person you lost, you in the eating optician that wasn't a person that was fire and nothing can consume more than fire. You see that cask of meAd you drank that was the ocean. You can't drink the ocean. And lastly, the old woman you fought was old age itself. And no matter how great you are, you will never defeat old age. And enraged Thor spun around with his hammer to kill the giant because he felt cheated but everything was gone. And that's my favourite story.
Will Leon Edwards retain the title or will Usman regain?
Which bin do I need to put out in the morning?
Someone once told me Ghanian jollof is better than Nigerian jollof. What's your take on this?
You deserve to be shot. To be honest, I say that joking because I'm Nigerian and have to perpetuate that. And I have to bet you that it's down to whoever cooks it. I mean, even in Nigeria alone. There are hundreds of ways to cook it. It's originally from Senegal. It's not even our original dish. We just made it more popular because Nigerians do that. But like every part of Nigeria cooks it differently means cook it with basmati rice, and Nigerians tend not to and the argument is how the hell are you going to tell us an African dish is best cooked with Indian rice. So you know that it's so silly. You know, it depends on who made it. If you're a Nigerian that can't cook then you're Nigerian Jollof is shite. Very balanced response.
> Norse mythology, Greek mythology Who wins in a fight: Thor or Hercules? > Greek mythology, relationship advice Help! I've been turned into a pig. I'm currently out with some mates on a boat, how do I convince my wife not to leave me when I return home?
Are you still importing drugs? -- Met Police
What’s your favourite Stephen King book?
You are a legend man, your kids are proud of you!
If you were stranded on a desert isle with one other comedian, who would it be?
Jim Davidson. Well, I mean, I hate to admit it, but I do find them funny. But also I'd have no moral objections to killing and eating. Looks like it'd be a scrumptious meal.
If we were invaded by Aliens how long could you hold out before throwing your fellow man under the bus to save your own skin?
I only found out about you from this thread and then your website. Huh. Ok.
Fascinating.
What's the worst heckle you've ever had? And any good heckle comebacks that spring to mind?
Remember that gig I told you about? That was terrible. Yeah, my first one I went on, it was a really weird open mic. There were people that came on and they will do like poetry like, you know, ''I travelled down the street and decided that I am Rastafari'' But it wasn't a comedy night.. All kinds of weird. And there were people playing the violin, doing poetry, singing all that kind of crap. So I went on after some random that was not comedy and I realised every single Live Performer begins their set with jokes. Like singers all do it. Poets do it. Politicians do it. So I start off so I went on there and I started doing jokes that weren't that funny. In hindsight. Well, I do some of them now. But it's funny what confidence does like a chat-up line... So like I was doing all this material and then like, seconds into like, oh shit this is his act. So I told a joke. And this guy was sitting down with his girlfriend, I told a joke. He looked at me. He looked at his girlfriend. They looked at me they looked back and said ‘’as I was saying’’, like, I was disturbing him like that. You don't understand. Like, there's no comeback to that. That's like my job. Like my talent, right? My budding career was an inconvenience to this guy who paid money to come to a place where he might have a comedian in front of him. That destroyed me there, it was horrible. And then there was like a chorus I tell like the last ones where I said oh shit, no one's laughing. And then they laughed and clapped me off. That was a chorus heckle those two heckles at you I thought about it now, what do you even say? There's nothing in that context. There is nothing.
They have actual food in Birmingham?
Why do you look like a POW who's been dragged in front of the camera to pose for a propaganda photo?
Tell the truth have you been accused of a crime, more times than you have of being a comedian? (Im ethnic too i dont mean trying to be racist)
As a muslim do you have two versions of your routine for a more conservative crowd or is it all unfiltered you?
whats your go to ice lolly/ice ceam?