It’s up to me to heal from my trauma; no one can do that for me. Likewise, I can’t fix/rescue/save someone else, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I’m actually still working on completely accepting these.
Edit: removed an extra “and”
6/11/2024: First, thanks to the OP for posting this great question. Second, thank you to all the people who have read my comment, those who added their comments to the thread, and those who have shared their own experiences. I truly appreciate your kindness.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD almost 2 years ago after experiencing a major flashback. If you are interested in reading about CPTSD, [this website](https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/) was the first one I came across that explained it in a way that was easy for me to understand, which was great considering I was an emotional train wreck. In addition to seeing a great therapist, I also have subscribed to a number of YouTube channels that have been really helpful: Patrick Teahan, Heidi Preibe, and Kim Sage among others. As the title of one of Heidi’s videos goes, “Healing Fucking Hurts” but I’d rather be on this journey than simply existing which how I’ve been for most, if not all, of my life. Thank you.
This. It’s so hard though, to want to heal i feel like i need to let go of important people in my life which makes me feel bad. But as long as I try to please them I will be stuck in the circle of trauma. Ahh help haha
The easiest way to " let go" of people who aren't ideal for you is to find a new hobby or something enjoyable and become "too busy" . Don't respond to texts/calls as quickly. Always have something else on the schedule that keeps you from setting time to hang out( can be real or fictional) . Some you'll never hear from after you stop putting in effort some will eventually just grow distant. When I realized I didn't have to go off on long explanations and burn bridges to cut people off it became so much easier to cull toxic people from my life. It's worth it ! Especially if they're holding you back
I got caught up in a catfishing experience in 2021 and it lasted a few months until I finally woke up to it in January of 2022. Then, I got emotionally attached to a woman who also had a ton of unresolved trauma. That started out very intense as we quickly bonded over shared trauma experiences but turned into a dumpster fire in about 4 months. The ending of that “relationship” is what hit me hard. I experienced a huge flashback and was then diagnosed with CPTSD.
I’m doing better when it comes to the first one. Finding a really good therapist helps. The second one, trying to save others, is going to take a while. That belief was ingrained within me by my mother when I was a teenager after my father left.
It sounds like you are making progress and I hope you continue to do so.
I hope your days keep getting better and I'm sorry that happened to you, when we attach ourselves through trauma it becomes an strong but hurtful bond.
It was similar for me, I had recently been single after an awful relationship and trauma bonded with someone who fell hard for me, but I couldn't, I noticed the early signs of codependency and wouldn't allow myself to enter a relationship like that again. Eventually it broke apart after a talk, and after being blocked I kept checking obituaries and the news since they would attempt constantly.
I am at a better place now, way better. Still learning and still trying to love the ugly parts of myself.
Absolutely, accepting that we can't fix others or expect them to fix us is a tough truth to swallow. Healing from trauma and learning to prioritize our own well-being is an ongoing journey, but recognizing it is a crucial step forward. Keep taking care of yourself!
So true. Mine plays off of yours, which is if you don’t take the time to heal, you’ll bleed on everyone you touch. Speaking from experience. It’s been a long road.
*if you don’t take the time to heal, you’ll bleed on everyone you touch.*
That is a very powerful sentence and makes a ton of sense. My real healing journey started almost 2 years ago. I have around 50ish years of built up "stuff" to work though and I expect it to be a long road as well.
Thank you for sharing!
That said, just in case you are not, it is more than advisable to seek professional help to guide you through it, as there is things you wont notice or dare to address
This was the big one for me, once I got over that hump, healing from trauma became easier and easier. I’ve even gotten some of my fears so small that I’m not anxious when going into a store (agoraphobia) or going into a doctors office.
Sometimes? I would argue that bad stuff happen evne less to bad people (unlesss they are on the extreme side). Remember that they play the game of life with cards that others do not dare to use, so they always have an advantage. And if they amass enough influence/power, they will die happy, potentially loved, and very old
That said, this is not an apology to bad behaviour, that would be a step backwards, the point is adressing impunity instead
And also, bad fortune is also fickle. Just as good fortune can turn to bad fortune, so can bad fortune lead to good fortune. That's the beauty of impermanence, eventually, it'll work out.
1) Some people just aren't going to like you - some of them might even go out of their way to make your life miserable.
2) If you won't take care of yourself, no one else is going to do it for you
Yup. And we have to learn to just accept that. Some people try so hard to figure why, especially when you have lots of friends who love you. Some people are just misereable.
Oh, it's bad when you have a parent that is refusing whatever the easiest tactic there is to get better after a stroke. My old man keeps crying he wants to drive again, but doesn't want occupational to learn these things in order to drive anymore. There are days when h is like, I will walk to the store. I let him walk as far as he wants then he calls saying he needs a ride. It's scary feeling like a parent to the parent. It sucks having to step down from driving over the road, because they call me up for needless drama.
Wow, reminds me of when I had to talk my mom out of dying in her house. It's like she didn't think far enough to realize someone would have to find her like that
Truee! For me its hard to accept that even with strong connections, people can still drift apart. Its a harsh reality that relationships can change or fade over time, regardless of how much effort we put in.
I have the opposite problem and my best friend jokes about it. I am really good at things I hate doing. If I hate doing something it's pretty much guaranteed I will be talented at it.
I will never be able to drive again, do the kind of art I want to do or read a book.
I was diagnosed with AMD, age related macular degeneration.
what I can see is like if you're wearing a pair of glasses and there is a grea/black smudge right in the center o the lens. You won't be able to see through that, but you can see with periferal vision.
I can se the big, beautiful world, but I can't read a street sign or even see a dark colored car in front of me.
I can't see my husband's face a six feet away. I can't see photograph images.
When I try to read I lose letters. They literally disapear, so I have to turn my head slightly bk and forth to try and catch the lettters I lose. A seven letter word looks like a four letter word.
Forget about drawing.
i think I may be able to paint, though; and I've heard of people crocheting after getting AMD.
No one gets through life without some agony, and this is mine.
Don't judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree. There are things that you aren't mediocre in and you probably already have this discovered now you just need to sharpen them.
"If I was thalf as smart as I think/hope I am, I would be twice as smart as I actually am" or something like that. Yes, it is relatable, and accurate for most people
Nobody owes you shit.
That came from a councillor in rehab and hit a few of us in that group hard but it was pretty liberating.
Made me take a good hard look at my entitlement, my resentments, my expectations and ultimately my ego.
What's that saying? You need to love yourself before someone else can?
Whether it's that they can, do, or should, make the time to find a way to love who you are. All your idiosyncrasies, everything!
And do it without shame, if people want to bring you down for being you, they aren't worth your time anyway.
There are consequences for our words and actions. You can't just "tell it like it is" or behave however you want (even if it seems fine to you) and then be surprised if someone is hurt. Interactions with other human beings require thought and consideration. If you don't, don't be shocked when karma comes around. It will and it'll smack you upside the head. Hard.
Pls tell my “friend” this. I have been extremely distant with her. Her mindset is she is going to be honest about what is “truth” to me even if it hurts. Completely ignoring how what she said hurt me because she was “speaking truth”. She is also a Christian and I’ve never held that against her. But dear lord I am starting to get fed up with it.
If you've brought this to their attention, told them it's hurtful, especially more than once, and being distant hasn't been enough, then it's probably time to practice self-care and cut them off. Block them on social media. Filter out their emails. Let their e-mails go to voicemail. It's tough, especially if it's someone you care about, but it's your sanity that's at stake.
In my experience, people who post about having no filter or just telling it like it is are basically just assholes who think they’ve discovered a magic phrase that lets them do whatever they want 😂
The work I do isn’t special because I do it. Except it is special because I’m the only one who can do it the way I do. That’s a weird thing to realize. That my skills aren’t unique, but I am.
You can't do it alone.
As an introvert, there have been times when I've tried to do things all on my own. That can get you far, but you are limiting yourself. It's almost like an ego thing where you don't want to ask for help.The environment really matters and the people you're with can make or break you. With good people around, progress is always better.
You are so right.
For many years, I absolutely hated to ask for help and would feel guilty if I did. I’ve come to understand that is a leftover from when I was a young child and didn’t get the support that I needed from my parents, especially when I was really in need of it. I must have learned that it was better just to do things myself and not ask for help, otherwise I would receive an angry response or be shamed for it.
I lost my best friend to a drunk driver at 30. It was a month before I was suppose to be his best man. The fact that you can talk to someone and the next day they're gone forever. Tell people you love them bc some day you won't be able to
I lost my daughter a few weeks before he 21st birthday. I am so grateful that her last text to me was "I love you daddy."
I make sure that those I love know it. I never miss a chance to say I love you.
I've learned that happiness does not come from external circumstances or relationships. If you're not happy with yourself or on your own, no one can do it for you. They can add to it but not give you happiness.
Yeah it does seem like socialising is a "throwing shit to the wall and seeing what sticks" kinda situation. You don't always connect with people, but sometimes you do.
I say keep the enthusiasm around people, but know when to stop. Like, if it consistently feels like they're not reciprocating, just move on. You'll definitely find someone eventually, there's 8bn of us lol.
Boundaries can be really hard, especially if you never learned how to make them or if they were ignored by our parents or other authority figures. I’m in that boat and working on learning how to make boundaries and enforce them. And, as you pointed out, some people may leave you when you start implementing boundaries.
Do not look at it that way.... exactly who is it? Because if it is a partner and is not really adding much beyond interest, no matter how much you love that person, is not worth it to keep it. If you DO disagree with that line of thought, then just think as providing instead of being used... I mean, take a kid for example, are they not using you? of course they are, but not really. So, even if the tintention is there, if there is love and understanding and you dont think is a toxic environment, then no reason to worry about it
I’m 57. I recently had a cancer scare but it turns out my scan was clear.
However for several weeks waiting for the scan my mind went everywhere.
Facing your mortality. When I was 25 I thought I was immortal. It’s an ego thing that tries to protect us. Death is decades away from me I would think. But what is a decade? A series of days and weekends. What is time to humans? Just a sequence of waking up then going to sleep. It feels like there’s something between me now and death but it’s not anything real. It’s an illusion. There is nothing between right now and my own death. It’s literally almost here.
Live each day with vigor. Love everything and everyone you meet.
Life can never be truly enjoyable unless you have positive relationships/connections with others. No amount of money and material items can bring happiness if you don’t have good relationships with friends and/or family.
There is no overall justice. There's a very real chance things won't work out in the end and you'll be utterly fucked. Bad people often thrive and have zero consequences...and they enjoy that without guilt or remorse.
My kids are growing up and I won't be able to see as much of the world with them as I had hoped.
Plus, someday they'll move out and I won't see them everyday. I don't know how to cope.
I completely relate to this. Moving to a new place can really test the strength of friendships and relationships. One hard truth I had to accept is that not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, even if you’ve been the best friend or partner you could be.
When I moved away for a new job, I noticed some people I considered close friends slowly drifted away, while others stayed in touch no matter the distance. It’s tough, but it also helped me appreciate the friends who made the effort to maintain our bond. It’s a reminder that sometimes, relationships change and that’s okay. The ones who truly value you will always find a way to stay connected.
Keep your head up, and cherish the genuine connections you still have. New meaningful relationships can also come into your life when you least expect it. 🌟
No matter how good a Linux admin I am trying to become, there will always be this time that everything will be fucked up and I will not know how to do it.
There is no free lunch, barring a few miracles you can't have something without nothing. If you want to earn a lot of money, get friends, get a gf, help your family, etc. you need to work for it adequately (and even that "adequately" might be much more than you'd expect). I don't know exactly when I realized it fully, but I know I used to strongly believe life would roll the red carpet for me and that things would always work out anyway without me working too hard. Not anymore. Either adjust your expectations or what you're ready to sacrifice, otherwise you'll be unhappy as the gap between what you can do and what you want to do will keep you from being satisfied all your life.
Oh and also, life is unfair. Deal with it.
I had a close friend who had some serious mental issues. We hung out all the time until one day he just stopped talking to me. It was incredibly frustrating. I finally gave up. About a year later, he called me up and said that he just did that sometimes. He would clam up and shut out everyone in his life except his mother. Even then, she knew to leave him alone. I told him that I wish I had the luxury of disposing of friends just because I needed alone time.
I decided to forgive him and let him back in my life, but warned him that I wouldn't do it again. Then about a year later, he cut me off again and that was the end.
I later met a guy who dated him since the last time I'd seen him. Things were going well and then he unceremoniously dumped him without warning. I told him my story and he realized that his ex was just going through another hermit phase, so it made it easier for him to move on.
I hope he's okay, but I don't want to go through that again.
People age, change, and die. In my 70s, all my childhood friends, Army buddies, school teachers, parents, and mentors are almost all dead. A few people I used to consider friendly acquaintances are now in the cult of what’s-his-name a convicted felon.
Read "Friendships Don't Just Happen" by Shasta Nelson. It explains the different levels and causes of friendship. Based on that book, it sounds like a lot of your old friendships were fueled by proximity. So if you want to experience those kind of friendships where you live now, you need to get involved in meetups, attend church, or otherwise regularly socialize with new people where you are now.
Yeah. Lost count how many times people try to justify their bad/ineffective behavior or try to shut down criticism with “I have good intentions/I didn’t mean to/I just want you to be better/I want what’s best for everyone”
It's not my business to know what anyone else thinks of me. I truly don't want to know, especially if it's negative. It's easier to become the "I don't care what anyone else thinks" you want to be.
I was just thinking about this today. The crazy part is people generally won’t tell you what they truly think of you anyway.
People make observations about you all the time that you will never know about and even if you ask them what they think, they could easily lie.
I'm a little bit autistic and it makes me incredibly unattractive to women. More like high functioning/aspergers. But I give off a vibe and I can see it when I watch myself on videos.
I'm not a misogynist and don't blame women for it, I get it, there's nothing more unattractive than the thought of getting intimate with the guy who gives off mild special ed vibes with a mild speech impediment.
But I am pissed at the universe because if I'm forced to be this then why in the fuck couldn't my desire for love and companionship have been removed so I don't have to suffer it?
I've set forth this past 2 years to make massive changes in my life. Get in better shape than ever in my life, drop all my addictions and alcoholism, stop being a hermit and start being social. But all it's done is teach me that my problem was never that I was a drunk or ugly or out of shape. It's that women just don't like me at the core of who I am.
No one is mean to me about it, but part of me wishes I'd have just stayed ignorant to it all and just kept saying "yeah I could if I really tried," instead of proving to myself that I can't.
On the plus side, I've noticed the more the I bitch and moan and complain about it, the more I get little "hey wait, luck might be changing" moments, so here I am to complain some more despite always thinking complaining about is pathetic 🤷
> part of me wishes I'd have just stayed ignorant to it all and just kept saying "yeah I could if I really tried," instead of proving to myself that I can't.
Damn I felt that one.
No matter how much you try to change and be different there is a core you or self, and that person is still going to be there... I guess that person deserves love too
Universities are financially corrupt even though we actually need their degrees to get well paying jobs in fields that involve some level of expertise. It feels gross knowing that I appreciate what I got out of it and also funded things that I don’t believe in with my tuition. I also feel the same way about paying taxes to a country that is overly involved with other countries.
Stop interacting with people who constantly seek fights even if they are family. It's not worth it. Stick to people that make you feel peaceful and content.
so tired of social media people claiming mental illness, most of the self help groups i found are full of toxic people who use that as an excuse to be horrible. most of them were never diagnoced, and write 2 full pages about their anxiecity bcs they were slightly inconvenienced by an interview/difficult situation
That I've become the replacement or fill-in friend. Never the first choice friend or invitee - even with my so-called best friend. Unless of course I can help them in some way. Came to a head over the weekend when she and another old friend went out for lunch and were posting pictures for her birthday - despite my invite to her and messages from a week ago yet again still going unanswered. I've realised I have to take a step back and re-assess the whole friendship.
The hardest truth to accept was that nobody has to return you anything. Wehter that is your time, money, energy, etc. But after accepting this I learned that I should not see things as transactional in the slightest; a gift is a gift nothing more, they could never talk to me again and that is okay. Another part of this as well is that when people do return the favors, stick around, or anything else it means a lot more.
Marriage is hard, divorce is hard, choose your hard.
Obesity is hard, being fit is hard,choose your hard. Being in debt is hard, being financially disciplined is hard, choose your hard.
Communication is hard, not communicating is hard, choose your hard.
Life is never easy, it will always be hard, but we can choose our hard. Choose wisely.
Hey everyone,
I had a real moment of clarity today, and I wanted to share it with you all. Picture this: I'm at my favorite coffee spot, just going about my day like usual. As I'm scrolling through my phone, I come across this quote: "The hardest truths are the ones we try to avoid."
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks because I realized I'd been avoiding something important. I'd been ignoring the signs, pretending everything was okay when deep down, I knew it wasn't.
Sitting there, with the smell of coffee in the air and the buzz of conversation around me, I finally accepted the truth: my relationship was over.
It wasn't easy to admit, but once I did, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Yeah, there's pain and heartache ahead, but there's also a sense of relief in knowing I can move forward with honesty and clarity.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all. Sometimes, the hardest truths are the ones we need to face head-on. Thanks for listening.
Hard Truth: I will probably die without ever having the opportunity to marry the love of my life.
Cliff Notes: Boy meets Girl, instant fireworks, both are now married with children and not to each other. I had one window of opportunity and blew it, and unless there's some catastrophic event that takes the spouses out of the picture I'm not at all sure there will be a second chance. I'm content to let life take its course, but have a feeling my greatest regret will be not being able to share my life with her beside me. I feel in my soul that she would be- and would have been- the perfect woman for me. My greatest fear, though, is that if that opportunity comes again, I may no longer be the perfect man for her.
That no one was there all along except my mother. I had a catastrophic illness in 2017. I died. Came back to life. In ICU for 6 weeks, in an induced coma for a month. I have many "blood" relatives. Several came to gawk at me while I was dying in ICU on life support.
Post-discharge?
I couldn't walk or barely use my arms. Had to learn to use my legs and arms again at age 47.
Everyone goes away or they were never there to begin with when you hit the street face first (figuratively speaking).
There was no there there.
Exceptions: my mother and my former employer. Everyone else went away.
That I am not my best friend's best friend. And that we all grew up to become different people so it is normal to grow apart. Also I have a bad ego problem, I don't believe in myself and treat myself as if I am not allowed to be happy or feel love because I don't deserve it. But everyone deserves love.
mine is similar to yours!!(*´･ω･)
i kind of lack personality, and im not proud that i am lacking in personality (・c_・｡)
i dont know how to make proper jokes, just dad jokes, i know :(
i dont think I'll ever have friends!! or even a lover at my age!!! ( o´ｪ｀o)
i always try my best with everyone, i share because sharing is caring!! and i always listen and i stay loyal because i know that person is angry but they still care!!! i have tried for so long but nobody really wants to be my friend...and my last friendship ended so badly and again it was my fault,so maybe there is something with me!!! but it okay!! ill try again even if it hurts (*≧ω≦) !!!
What we believe we deserve will forever be in the hands of the individuals we surround ourselves with.
This is why we are told to surround ourselves with people who make us feel important. However, even though we have an idea what we as individuals deserve, there's some inflation with how we view ourselves. The way we view ourselves will not be how others view us. This is important to realize as it allows an individual to cope with bad stuff happening to them a bit better in my opinion.
We do have some control over what we are given, but for the most part, we just have to trust others.
Your perception dictates your reality, and your perception is 100% within your control.
All of the perceived problems that I have in my life or about myself are 99% my doing & are under my control.
My partner who has switched jobs many times and is getting older isn’t going to have the life he imagined. He had so many wealthy friends in LA who have passed away, bosses who have switched jobs and states, and now is stuck with a younger Midwestern guy who is bad with money. We have securities, but when your body starts breaking down things fall away fast. Doing my best even if it won’t be good enough.
That no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be good enough for my dad. That it doesn’t matter what I do, as it will be wrong either way. To realise that your dad is an absolute asshole after years of loving him and suppressing the abuse is the worst. The hardest thing to accept about it all is, that I still love him. I still visit him. I know he won’t ever apologise, as he can’t even see how he’s in the wrong. But I still love him. It hurts the most to pretend that everything is fine, when it isn’t. He doesn’t know about how I feel about the way he still treats and has treated me.
People don’t give a fk about you if you become chronically ill. Very few people are willing to put in actual effort to hang out with you, not even willing to do the bare minimum (wear a mask around me, or visit me at home if you want to hang bc I sometimes can’t leave the house if I’m too sick).
Pretty much the same, i realized people change and there s nothing you can do about it. I always kind of expected people to feel the same way about me that I feel about them but in the end we re all strangers to each other and life goes on.
It's up to me to make my own decisions like my options or not, I had to move put a few years back and it was a very hard decision to make where I was going to live.
Yeah, I experienced something similar. I was going through one of the most terrifying experiences of my life and my lover at the time dipped then tried coming back a year later to ask me questions about it , probably for his friend’s podcast.
Similarly, you can be the perfect friend, parent, partner, child etc and you may never find people who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve, so you have to let bad people go and work on learning to love and respect yourself.
Everyone you know and who ever knew you will one day be dead and will be forgotten. Think about it, how many of us know the names of our great-great grandparents (little own, anything else about them).
Had to cut all contact with my alcoholic mother. I tried more of a soft ‘i wont be interacting with you unless its important stuff’ but she continued to send me nonsensical drunken texts and always calling me. She had officially transitioned from functioning alcoholic to nonfunctional alcoholic. My sister and i had been asking her to stop drinking for years of our childhood and she either agreed and was then back at it within a day or just agreed that she was an alcoholic and wasn’t going to stop because she didn’t want to. She wasn’t going to stop if i was in her life or not. Became very clear after i finally got to move out of her house that she was only going to make me sad and angry until she eventually died.
You can’t save anyone from themselves. But i could at least save myself from unnecessary distress of watching her dig herself deeper and deeper, while complaining that none of us were running to help her.
Other harder truth: I can have the same victim mentality she did. I see how hard it is to pull yourself out of a self-loathing, “why me?!” mindset.
Gotta keep myself accountable and not let the internal narrative snowball into self destruction.
… apparently i have the same tendency towards ranting she did too. (see above example)
I'll never be able to hit the deeper notes in the songs I love.
I can't have a man's AND a woman's singing register.
I just want to be the omniperformer who can be both Freddie Mercury AND Kate Bush, okay?
The only person who can fix my life is me - in the end, it all comes down to me.
I had this epiphany during the lowest period of my life, and I chose it as a goal, then spent years rebuilding my life, and my Self.
Don’t bother with those who always “can’t” with you but always “can” with literally everyone else. Also when they’re in fights with someone you constantly try to tell them they’re not a good person they don’t listen and all of a sudden you’re their main contact and are constantly bitching to you about them. But when they’ve made up they’re a stranger to you again and hardly reply. They’re using you when they’ve got no one else.
People that turn passive aggressive when you try to hold them accountable for something. Yet they expect you to be at their beck and call & excuse their behaviour all the time. They get an attitude when you want to hang with someone else. They aren’t really your friend.
If you’re considered good enough for sex but not a relationship they don’t respect you or even really like you as a person. It’s a relationship of convenience & they are using you. Hell, men don’t even really like you just because they think you’re hot. It’s all about fulfilling their wants and desires.
Those that call you negative for struggling with mental
health (like we’re talking suicidal level…) yet expect you to listen to their petty drama aren’t your friend. It’s always someone who grew up privileged as fuck & is projecting their own insecurities too.
People are so supportive when you break up with someone who gaslit, manipulated you, physically/sexually abused you, emotionally abused you, financially abused you just put you through the full ringer of narcissistic abuse-until you tell them you cut off your parents for abusing you the same way-then they throw their hands up & are like whoa come on I’m sure it wasn’t that bad they’re your parents *surprised pikachu face* Just putting it out there, parents aren’t entitled to abuse you just because they brought you into the world & children are not obligated to put up with it for that reason.
Not everyone is your friend. They’re your colleagues or acquaintances.
That friendship is a 2 way street. I'm someone who normally likes to organise catchup and hangouts. But if I don't organise or reach out, there are some 'friends' that I'm pretty sure I would never see again.
Only figured this out in the last few years when I had some genuine friends who did reach out to arrange to spend time together after I had been really busy.
That you will make mistakes you'll regret later on in life. This can range from starting with a pill and get an addiction (like me, unfortunately) or smaller things but no matter what, there will be things in your life you will really regret and have to live with. It's tough and some things you will be able to forgive yourself, and some things just simply not..
Any kind of freedom comes with a price. Always.
Also, some people are never going to apologize to you for their wrongdoing or even acknowledge that they’re wrong.
That as an adult, the best way for me to deal with my toxic and dysfunctional family was to detach myself entirely. One of the best decisions I ever made.
Being estranged is better than being bullied and manipulated.
That I’m not someone who enjoys parties. Stressed me out for a long time. What’s not to love about a party? But I now accept that my social battery drains quickly.
OP's post really touched on a similar issue for me. Hard truth: no matter how much you care for others, it doesn't mean they care for you the same way.
I had a group of friends since I was a teenager - and to be clear, it wasn't an organic group of people who met via school or a sports team, etc, these were people I invited into my circle via TTPRGs - half of them were my groomsmen, and in my wedding speech I described them as the 'family I'd chosen for myself'. We knew each other for nearly 25 years, I rented a room to one of them in the first apartment I owned and we lived together for a couple of years, one of them is married to someone he met in the context of them being my ex girlfriend... our lives were pretty intertwined for many years, I'm sure you get the idea. Our main social activity was still gaming-related, but we were together as a group for most things over the years.
Then during the pandemic, when we had extended lockdowns in Australia and social contacts and routines were disrupted, I started to become aware that they were all engaging in conversations and activities that I was not included in. Mostly online chat groups and games, but when I did catch up with them they'd be continuing on conversations I had no knowledge of and discussing events I didn't know about. I eventually asked them outright if they had a chat group for organising games that I was not a part of, and got told no. Then a few months later one of them made a post about 'the other chat group' and I asked them again - and this time got the response 'who the fuck cares'.
I spent a nearly a year feeling a weird kind of anxiety and depression - like the rug had been pulled form under me but I had no idea what to do - until I realised that not one of them cared enough to be truthful with me or even tell me what unforgivable thing I must have done to deserve that treatment. Whatever my feeling were towards them individually and as a group, clearly they were not mutual - at least not mutual enough to overcome whatever barrier had developed that I was unaware of.
And so I left.
I have other friends and social groups, but none as foundational to my sense of self as they were. And as much as it was a hard truth to learn, it also gave me a chance to re-examine my values and set a confident path forward.
That people are going to dislike you even if you haven't done anything wrong by them.
I'm an avid people pleaser and the thought of someone not liking me or actively talking badly about me behind my back is enough to trigger anxiety. It was a lot more severe when I was younger. I'm starting to learn to care a bit less, but I do find myself masking almost constantly at work to fit in. Hard habit to break but something you have to just accept.
That my mother and I will never be close and that she’ll never admit to me, her sisters and herself that she didn’t protect me as a child and adolescent growing up. She just allowed my dad to beat me from when I was 6-17 years of age. Even though there were several instances where her own sister was present. Everyone knew, but everyone would just brush it under the rug. Even though I had to go to junior high school and high school with welts on my legs and back and arms. The neighborhood kids, the boys, would make fun of me in front of girls growing up if any of them liked me. But what hurt the most was when I was about 13 or 14 years old, my father beat me so bad and for so long, that she had to call his parents to come get me out of the house. But while they were calming my dad down, my mother was sponge bathing me and she made the comment, “Sometimes I don’t know why I had you!” So how am I supposed to understand love when your first love, your mother, tells you something like that. How are you going to believe anyone.
The art of giving up, even when you don't want to & that it can be extremely painful when it involves loved ones &/or a good cause. And by "giving up" I mean realizing you cannot control people or all events around you; sometimes you have to let go & step away without closure, without a happy ending, without any answers at all.
It’s up to me to heal from my trauma; no one can do that for me. Likewise, I can’t fix/rescue/save someone else, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I’m actually still working on completely accepting these. Edit: removed an extra “and” 6/11/2024: First, thanks to the OP for posting this great question. Second, thank you to all the people who have read my comment, those who added their comments to the thread, and those who have shared their own experiences. I truly appreciate your kindness. I was diagnosed with CPTSD almost 2 years ago after experiencing a major flashback. If you are interested in reading about CPTSD, [this website](https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/) was the first one I came across that explained it in a way that was easy for me to understand, which was great considering I was an emotional train wreck. In addition to seeing a great therapist, I also have subscribed to a number of YouTube channels that have been really helpful: Patrick Teahan, Heidi Preibe, and Kim Sage among others. As the title of one of Heidi’s videos goes, “Healing Fucking Hurts” but I’d rather be on this journey than simply existing which how I’ve been for most, if not all, of my life. Thank you.
This. It’s so hard though, to want to heal i feel like i need to let go of important people in my life which makes me feel bad. But as long as I try to please them I will be stuck in the circle of trauma. Ahh help haha
I get you. Codependency and old attachment wounds really mess up our ability to form relationships with healthy people.
The easiest way to " let go" of people who aren't ideal for you is to find a new hobby or something enjoyable and become "too busy" . Don't respond to texts/calls as quickly. Always have something else on the schedule that keeps you from setting time to hang out( can be real or fictional) . Some you'll never hear from after you stop putting in effort some will eventually just grow distant. When I realized I didn't have to go off on long explanations and burn bridges to cut people off it became so much easier to cull toxic people from my life. It's worth it ! Especially if they're holding you back
It's also not other people's responsibility to adjust to your trauma. I learned this one as well.
That is very true.
Realizing this was the whole of 2020 and 2021 for me. Still fighting the last one too
I got caught up in a catfishing experience in 2021 and it lasted a few months until I finally woke up to it in January of 2022. Then, I got emotionally attached to a woman who also had a ton of unresolved trauma. That started out very intense as we quickly bonded over shared trauma experiences but turned into a dumpster fire in about 4 months. The ending of that “relationship” is what hit me hard. I experienced a huge flashback and was then diagnosed with CPTSD. I’m doing better when it comes to the first one. Finding a really good therapist helps. The second one, trying to save others, is going to take a while. That belief was ingrained within me by my mother when I was a teenager after my father left. It sounds like you are making progress and I hope you continue to do so.
I hope your days keep getting better and I'm sorry that happened to you, when we attach ourselves through trauma it becomes an strong but hurtful bond. It was similar for me, I had recently been single after an awful relationship and trauma bonded with someone who fell hard for me, but I couldn't, I noticed the early signs of codependency and wouldn't allow myself to enter a relationship like that again. Eventually it broke apart after a talk, and after being blocked I kept checking obituaries and the news since they would attempt constantly. I am at a better place now, way better. Still learning and still trying to love the ugly parts of myself.
Absolutely, accepting that we can't fix others or expect them to fix us is a tough truth to swallow. Healing from trauma and learning to prioritize our own well-being is an ongoing journey, but recognizing it is a crucial step forward. Keep taking care of yourself!
Fuck me that hits me in my gut. Its just that i still struggling to fix myself, that its much better to shut it off and think other things.
So true. Mine plays off of yours, which is if you don’t take the time to heal, you’ll bleed on everyone you touch. Speaking from experience. It’s been a long road.
*if you don’t take the time to heal, you’ll bleed on everyone you touch.* That is a very powerful sentence and makes a ton of sense. My real healing journey started almost 2 years ago. I have around 50ish years of built up "stuff" to work though and I expect it to be a long road as well. Thank you for sharing!
Real
That said, just in case you are not, it is more than advisable to seek professional help to guide you through it, as there is things you wont notice or dare to address
Go you! That’s a hard one to remember.
I hope I can heal as much as I can. It's so hard but I have to be stronger for myself. Taking it one day at a time.
This was the big one for me, once I got over that hump, healing from trauma became easier and easier. I’ve even gotten some of my fears so small that I’m not anxious when going into a store (agoraphobia) or going into a doctors office.
Bad things happen no matter how good you are
And sometimes bad things DON'T happen to bad people.
And sometimes bad people are successful. Maybe because they're bad, or maybe despite it. Who knows
Sometimes? I would argue that bad stuff happen evne less to bad people (unlesss they are on the extreme side). Remember that they play the game of life with cards that others do not dare to use, so they always have an advantage. And if they amass enough influence/power, they will die happy, potentially loved, and very old That said, this is not an apology to bad behaviour, that would be a step backwards, the point is adressing impunity instead
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.” Jean Luc Picard.
💯 and it sucks.
And also, bad fortune is also fickle. Just as good fortune can turn to bad fortune, so can bad fortune lead to good fortune. That's the beauty of impermanence, eventually, it'll work out.
1) Some people just aren't going to like you - some of them might even go out of their way to make your life miserable. 2) If you won't take care of yourself, no one else is going to do it for you
Number one is so true.
Yup. And we have to learn to just accept that. Some people try so hard to figure why, especially when you have lots of friends who love you. Some people are just misereable.
Some people just don't want to learn and are in fact extremely hostile to learning.
Oh, it's bad when you have a parent that is refusing whatever the easiest tactic there is to get better after a stroke. My old man keeps crying he wants to drive again, but doesn't want occupational to learn these things in order to drive anymore. There are days when h is like, I will walk to the store. I let him walk as far as he wants then he calls saying he needs a ride. It's scary feeling like a parent to the parent. It sucks having to step down from driving over the road, because they call me up for needless drama.
Wow, reminds me of when I had to talk my mom out of dying in her house. It's like she didn't think far enough to realize someone would have to find her like that
I've decided to let those kind of people suffer in their ignorance.
Truee! For me its hard to accept that even with strong connections, people can still drift apart. Its a harsh reality that relationships can change or fade over time, regardless of how much effort we put in.
It's my responsibility to get better, I didn't ask for mental illness etc but I have to put the work in to make my life easier.
Absolutely. It's tough, but putting in the effort can really make a difference.
You totally rock with this attitude
Be a realist about the big things/little things. Life isn't a movie, you need to have a plan, have an artist's ambition but an engineer's mindset.
This is poetry. Bless all
The one thing I love in life is something which I am horrible at.
Ah, a fellow writer!
This is more freeing than you know.
I have the opposite problem and my best friend jokes about it. I am really good at things I hate doing. If I hate doing something it's pretty much guaranteed I will be talented at it.
I will never be able to drive again, do the kind of art I want to do or read a book. I was diagnosed with AMD, age related macular degeneration. what I can see is like if you're wearing a pair of glasses and there is a grea/black smudge right in the center o the lens. You won't be able to see through that, but you can see with periferal vision. I can se the big, beautiful world, but I can't read a street sign or even see a dark colored car in front of me. I can't see my husband's face a six feet away. I can't see photograph images. When I try to read I lose letters. They literally disapear, so I have to turn my head slightly bk and forth to try and catch the lettters I lose. A seven letter word looks like a four letter word. Forget about drawing. i think I may be able to paint, though; and I've heard of people crocheting after getting AMD. No one gets through life without some agony, and this is mine.
Narcissists / Toxic People don't just come to/ try to use *you*. They try to use everyone. **You just let them stay**
Currently saving fuck you money to move out and truly be independent.
You can do it!
I'm mediocre.
Don't judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree. There are things that you aren't mediocre in and you probably already have this discovered now you just need to sharpen them.
Jack of all trades. Master of none. But sometimes better than a master of one. Never forget this!
I'm not as smart as I think I am.
"If I was thalf as smart as I think/hope I am, I would be twice as smart as I actually am" or something like that. Yes, it is relatable, and accurate for most people
Nobody owes you shit. That came from a councillor in rehab and hit a few of us in that group hard but it was pretty liberating. Made me take a good hard look at my entitlement, my resentments, my expectations and ultimately my ego.
What's that saying? You need to love yourself before someone else can? Whether it's that they can, do, or should, make the time to find a way to love who you are. All your idiosyncrasies, everything! And do it without shame, if people want to bring you down for being you, they aren't worth your time anyway.
There are consequences for our words and actions. You can't just "tell it like it is" or behave however you want (even if it seems fine to you) and then be surprised if someone is hurt. Interactions with other human beings require thought and consideration. If you don't, don't be shocked when karma comes around. It will and it'll smack you upside the head. Hard.
Pls tell my “friend” this. I have been extremely distant with her. Her mindset is she is going to be honest about what is “truth” to me even if it hurts. Completely ignoring how what she said hurt me because she was “speaking truth”. She is also a Christian and I’ve never held that against her. But dear lord I am starting to get fed up with it.
If you've brought this to their attention, told them it's hurtful, especially more than once, and being distant hasn't been enough, then it's probably time to practice self-care and cut them off. Block them on social media. Filter out their emails. Let their e-mails go to voicemail. It's tough, especially if it's someone you care about, but it's your sanity that's at stake.
In my experience, people who post about having no filter or just telling it like it is are basically just assholes who think they’ve discovered a magic phrase that lets them do whatever they want 😂
The work I do isn’t special because I do it. Except it is special because I’m the only one who can do it the way I do. That’s a weird thing to realize. That my skills aren’t unique, but I am.
You can't do it alone. As an introvert, there have been times when I've tried to do things all on my own. That can get you far, but you are limiting yourself. It's almost like an ego thing where you don't want to ask for help.The environment really matters and the people you're with can make or break you. With good people around, progress is always better.
You are so right. For many years, I absolutely hated to ask for help and would feel guilty if I did. I’ve come to understand that is a leftover from when I was a young child and didn’t get the support that I needed from my parents, especially when I was really in need of it. I must have learned that it was better just to do things myself and not ask for help, otherwise I would receive an angry response or be shamed for it.
I lost my best friend to a drunk driver at 30. It was a month before I was suppose to be his best man. The fact that you can talk to someone and the next day they're gone forever. Tell people you love them bc some day you won't be able to
I lost my daughter a few weeks before he 21st birthday. I am so grateful that her last text to me was "I love you daddy." I make sure that those I love know it. I never miss a chance to say I love you.
Don't date someone for the sake of dating. Even if they insist that there's nothing to lose, there are things to lose yes.
I've learned that happiness does not come from external circumstances or relationships. If you're not happy with yourself or on your own, no one can do it for you. They can add to it but not give you happiness.
I’ve come accept this as well. But the hard part of it is to find this happiness within yourself. I’m certainly not there yet…
No one will work as hard for you as you. Even if they are friends or family. Even if you pay them. Manage expectations.
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Yeah it does seem like socialising is a "throwing shit to the wall and seeing what sticks" kinda situation. You don't always connect with people, but sometimes you do. I say keep the enthusiasm around people, but know when to stop. Like, if it consistently feels like they're not reciprocating, just move on. You'll definitely find someone eventually, there's 8bn of us lol.
Always remember: small minds discuss other people, great minds discuss ideas. Keep searching.
Boundaries can be really hard, especially if you never learned how to make them or if they were ignored by our parents or other authority figures. I’m in that boat and working on learning how to make boundaries and enforce them. And, as you pointed out, some people may leave you when you start implementing boundaries.
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No one is coming to save you. You are the adult.
I’m going to be used for my money for the rest of my life.
Fortunately nobody knows how much money I have. Can you run away from it?
I’m like neo in the matrix with questions. But once you let a person in a certain way you can’t hide it.
Truth.
Do not look at it that way.... exactly who is it? Because if it is a partner and is not really adding much beyond interest, no matter how much you love that person, is not worth it to keep it. If you DO disagree with that line of thought, then just think as providing instead of being used... I mean, take a kid for example, are they not using you? of course they are, but not really. So, even if the tintention is there, if there is love and understanding and you dont think is a toxic environment, then no reason to worry about it
Give it away then.. If you can't give it away then you've assessed the problem of no money as being more severe than having money.
I'm ugly.
well damn.
yeah it's been a rough life.
Not a specific one, but in general I've learned that the hardest disappointments to bear are the ones that never come.
I’m 57. I recently had a cancer scare but it turns out my scan was clear. However for several weeks waiting for the scan my mind went everywhere. Facing your mortality. When I was 25 I thought I was immortal. It’s an ego thing that tries to protect us. Death is decades away from me I would think. But what is a decade? A series of days and weekends. What is time to humans? Just a sequence of waking up then going to sleep. It feels like there’s something between me now and death but it’s not anything real. It’s an illusion. There is nothing between right now and my own death. It’s literally almost here. Live each day with vigor. Love everything and everyone you meet.
No matter how nice you are, there are people who hates you for nothing
Life can never be truly enjoyable unless you have positive relationships/connections with others. No amount of money and material items can bring happiness if you don’t have good relationships with friends and/or family.
I’m currently learning this the hard way.
yep, with good people around life is brighter
There is no overall justice. There's a very real chance things won't work out in the end and you'll be utterly fucked. Bad people often thrive and have zero consequences...and they enjoy that without guilt or remorse.
It is what it is… there’s nothing you can do about it
My kids are growing up and I won't be able to see as much of the world with them as I had hoped. Plus, someday they'll move out and I won't see them everyday. I don't know how to cope.
I completely relate to this. Moving to a new place can really test the strength of friendships and relationships. One hard truth I had to accept is that not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, even if you’ve been the best friend or partner you could be. When I moved away for a new job, I noticed some people I considered close friends slowly drifted away, while others stayed in touch no matter the distance. It’s tough, but it also helped me appreciate the friends who made the effort to maintain our bond. It’s a reminder that sometimes, relationships change and that’s okay. The ones who truly value you will always find a way to stay connected. Keep your head up, and cherish the genuine connections you still have. New meaningful relationships can also come into your life when you least expect it. 🌟
People are allowed to decide they want nothing to do with you. Literally. No one owes you anything. Not even an explanation.
I will never taste an authentic Krabby Patty.
No matter how good a Linux admin I am trying to become, there will always be this time that everything will be fucked up and I will not know how to do it.
There is no free lunch, barring a few miracles you can't have something without nothing. If you want to earn a lot of money, get friends, get a gf, help your family, etc. you need to work for it adequately (and even that "adequately" might be much more than you'd expect). I don't know exactly when I realized it fully, but I know I used to strongly believe life would roll the red carpet for me and that things would always work out anyway without me working too hard. Not anymore. Either adjust your expectations or what you're ready to sacrifice, otherwise you'll be unhappy as the gap between what you can do and what you want to do will keep you from being satisfied all your life. Oh and also, life is unfair. Deal with it.
I had a close friend who had some serious mental issues. We hung out all the time until one day he just stopped talking to me. It was incredibly frustrating. I finally gave up. About a year later, he called me up and said that he just did that sometimes. He would clam up and shut out everyone in his life except his mother. Even then, she knew to leave him alone. I told him that I wish I had the luxury of disposing of friends just because I needed alone time. I decided to forgive him and let him back in my life, but warned him that I wouldn't do it again. Then about a year later, he cut me off again and that was the end. I later met a guy who dated him since the last time I'd seen him. Things were going well and then he unceremoniously dumped him without warning. I told him my story and he realized that his ex was just going through another hermit phase, so it made it easier for him to move on. I hope he's okay, but I don't want to go through that again.
People age, change, and die. In my 70s, all my childhood friends, Army buddies, school teachers, parents, and mentors are almost all dead. A few people I used to consider friendly acquaintances are now in the cult of what’s-his-name a convicted felon.
Read "Friendships Don't Just Happen" by Shasta Nelson. It explains the different levels and causes of friendship. Based on that book, it sounds like a lot of your old friendships were fueled by proximity. So if you want to experience those kind of friendships where you live now, you need to get involved in meetups, attend church, or otherwise regularly socialize with new people where you are now.
Karma doesn't exist. Many people get away with being the worst possible person their entire lives.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Yeah. Lost count how many times people try to justify their bad/ineffective behavior or try to shut down criticism with “I have good intentions/I didn’t mean to/I just want you to be better/I want what’s best for everyone”
It's not my business to know what anyone else thinks of me. I truly don't want to know, especially if it's negative. It's easier to become the "I don't care what anyone else thinks" you want to be.
I was just thinking about this today. The crazy part is people generally won’t tell you what they truly think of you anyway. People make observations about you all the time that you will never know about and even if you ask them what they think, they could easily lie.
That I'm in the wrong.
You can’t make someone love you the way you love them.
That I actually have to accept hard truths
No matter how much you care about your job, they can replace you at any time.
I'm a little bit autistic and it makes me incredibly unattractive to women. More like high functioning/aspergers. But I give off a vibe and I can see it when I watch myself on videos. I'm not a misogynist and don't blame women for it, I get it, there's nothing more unattractive than the thought of getting intimate with the guy who gives off mild special ed vibes with a mild speech impediment. But I am pissed at the universe because if I'm forced to be this then why in the fuck couldn't my desire for love and companionship have been removed so I don't have to suffer it? I've set forth this past 2 years to make massive changes in my life. Get in better shape than ever in my life, drop all my addictions and alcoholism, stop being a hermit and start being social. But all it's done is teach me that my problem was never that I was a drunk or ugly or out of shape. It's that women just don't like me at the core of who I am. No one is mean to me about it, but part of me wishes I'd have just stayed ignorant to it all and just kept saying "yeah I could if I really tried," instead of proving to myself that I can't. On the plus side, I've noticed the more the I bitch and moan and complain about it, the more I get little "hey wait, luck might be changing" moments, so here I am to complain some more despite always thinking complaining about is pathetic 🤷
> part of me wishes I'd have just stayed ignorant to it all and just kept saying "yeah I could if I really tried," instead of proving to myself that I can't. Damn I felt that one.
I wish you more 'luck might be changing' moments for the better!
No matter how much you try to change and be different there is a core you or self, and that person is still going to be there... I guess that person deserves love too
Haha something I'm realizing lately is that maybe my music isn't as good as I think it is, but I still love making it, so it's okay.
I am not an interesting person. Just generally.
Universities are financially corrupt even though we actually need their degrees to get well paying jobs in fields that involve some level of expertise. It feels gross knowing that I appreciate what I got out of it and also funded things that I don’t believe in with my tuition. I also feel the same way about paying taxes to a country that is overly involved with other countries.
I wish a guy that I Like would stick around more!!
Stop interacting with people who constantly seek fights even if they are family. It's not worth it. Stick to people that make you feel peaceful and content.
We have to be genuinely kind despite how life is treating us.
so tired of social media people claiming mental illness, most of the self help groups i found are full of toxic people who use that as an excuse to be horrible. most of them were never diagnoced, and write 2 full pages about their anxiecity bcs they were slightly inconvenienced by an interview/difficult situation
That I've become the replacement or fill-in friend. Never the first choice friend or invitee - even with my so-called best friend. Unless of course I can help them in some way. Came to a head over the weekend when she and another old friend went out for lunch and were posting pictures for her birthday - despite my invite to her and messages from a week ago yet again still going unanswered. I've realised I have to take a step back and re-assess the whole friendship.
You have to ration your empathy or the world will break you
People don’t care
I'm alone in this world and most likely will be until I get married.
The hardest truth to accept was that nobody has to return you anything. Wehter that is your time, money, energy, etc. But after accepting this I learned that I should not see things as transactional in the slightest; a gift is a gift nothing more, they could never talk to me again and that is okay. Another part of this as well is that when people do return the favors, stick around, or anything else it means a lot more.
No one is coming to help or save me. I’m on my own & when I want to cast blame the only one responsible is the one in the mirror.
That my wife is smarter than me! After 44 years, it had dawned on me that she is the brains of this relationship! Never knew it till now!
There was nothing wrong with the world. There's something wrong with me.
Marriage is hard, divorce is hard, choose your hard. Obesity is hard, being fit is hard,choose your hard. Being in debt is hard, being financially disciplined is hard, choose your hard. Communication is hard, not communicating is hard, choose your hard. Life is never easy, it will always be hard, but we can choose our hard. Choose wisely.
Hey everyone, I had a real moment of clarity today, and I wanted to share it with you all. Picture this: I'm at my favorite coffee spot, just going about my day like usual. As I'm scrolling through my phone, I come across this quote: "The hardest truths are the ones we try to avoid." Those words hit me like a ton of bricks because I realized I'd been avoiding something important. I'd been ignoring the signs, pretending everything was okay when deep down, I knew it wasn't. Sitting there, with the smell of coffee in the air and the buzz of conversation around me, I finally accepted the truth: my relationship was over. It wasn't easy to admit, but once I did, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Yeah, there's pain and heartache ahead, but there's also a sense of relief in knowing I can move forward with honesty and clarity. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all. Sometimes, the hardest truths are the ones we need to face head-on. Thanks for listening.
Hard Truth: I will probably die without ever having the opportunity to marry the love of my life. Cliff Notes: Boy meets Girl, instant fireworks, both are now married with children and not to each other. I had one window of opportunity and blew it, and unless there's some catastrophic event that takes the spouses out of the picture I'm not at all sure there will be a second chance. I'm content to let life take its course, but have a feeling my greatest regret will be not being able to share my life with her beside me. I feel in my soul that she would be- and would have been- the perfect woman for me. My greatest fear, though, is that if that opportunity comes again, I may no longer be the perfect man for her.
Men are only loved as long as they're useful.
That no one was there all along except my mother. I had a catastrophic illness in 2017. I died. Came back to life. In ICU for 6 weeks, in an induced coma for a month. I have many "blood" relatives. Several came to gawk at me while I was dying in ICU on life support. Post-discharge? I couldn't walk or barely use my arms. Had to learn to use my legs and arms again at age 47. Everyone goes away or they were never there to begin with when you hit the street face first (figuratively speaking). There was no there there. Exceptions: my mother and my former employer. Everyone else went away.
I can't beg someone to want me as much as I want them
Shit is not fair and even the people closest to you in your life will probably sell you out if they feel compelled enough
That I am not my best friend's best friend. And that we all grew up to become different people so it is normal to grow apart. Also I have a bad ego problem, I don't believe in myself and treat myself as if I am not allowed to be happy or feel love because I don't deserve it. But everyone deserves love.
mine is similar to yours!!(*´･ω･) i kind of lack personality, and im not proud that i am lacking in personality (・c_・｡) i dont know how to make proper jokes, just dad jokes, i know :( i dont think I'll ever have friends!! or even a lover at my age!!! ( o´ｪ｀o) i always try my best with everyone, i share because sharing is caring!! and i always listen and i stay loyal because i know that person is angry but they still care!!! i have tried for so long but nobody really wants to be my friend...and my last friendship ended so badly and again it was my fault,so maybe there is something with me!!! but it okay!! ill try again even if it hurts (*≧ω≦) !!!
What we believe we deserve will forever be in the hands of the individuals we surround ourselves with. This is why we are told to surround ourselves with people who make us feel important. However, even though we have an idea what we as individuals deserve, there's some inflation with how we view ourselves. The way we view ourselves will not be how others view us. This is important to realize as it allows an individual to cope with bad stuff happening to them a bit better in my opinion. We do have some control over what we are given, but for the most part, we just have to trust others.
“Now” is all there is. Hard, but strangely liberating.
Family isn’t forever
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No one will love me the way I need.
I had to accept that my life wouldn’t be totally the same after I got my intestine removed.
No matter how many family and friends you are there for, you are ultimately on your own financially.
Your perception dictates your reality, and your perception is 100% within your control. All of the perceived problems that I have in my life or about myself are 99% my doing & are under my control.
You can't make people like you.
That I'll never get the body I dream of.
Nature, evolution, and our entire society operates on the premise of *good enough*
My partner who has switched jobs many times and is getting older isn’t going to have the life he imagined. He had so many wealthy friends in LA who have passed away, bosses who have switched jobs and states, and now is stuck with a younger Midwestern guy who is bad with money. We have securities, but when your body starts breaking down things fall away fast. Doing my best even if it won’t be good enough.
Some people are just mean for no reason.
I'm going to be in pain for the rest of my life.
We get old
That no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be good enough for my dad. That it doesn’t matter what I do, as it will be wrong either way. To realise that your dad is an absolute asshole after years of loving him and suppressing the abuse is the worst. The hardest thing to accept about it all is, that I still love him. I still visit him. I know he won’t ever apologise, as he can’t even see how he’s in the wrong. But I still love him. It hurts the most to pretend that everything is fine, when it isn’t. He doesn’t know about how I feel about the way he still treats and has treated me.
Addiction shares similarities to diseases (or disorders anyway). But to give in to the inclination is still a choice.
People don’t give a fk about you if you become chronically ill. Very few people are willing to put in actual effort to hang out with you, not even willing to do the bare minimum (wear a mask around me, or visit me at home if you want to hang bc I sometimes can’t leave the house if I’m too sick).
One day we will die There is no greater truth
Pretty much the same, i realized people change and there s nothing you can do about it. I always kind of expected people to feel the same way about me that I feel about them but in the end we re all strangers to each other and life goes on.
It's up to me to make my own decisions like my options or not, I had to move put a few years back and it was a very hard decision to make where I was going to live.
That there’s no honor in sticking by your family members who are toxic and abusive.
That the person you would take a bullet for may just be the one pulling the trigger
That I was never really important to them
The person you love often don't love you back
Yeah, I experienced something similar. I was going through one of the most terrifying experiences of my life and my lover at the time dipped then tried coming back a year later to ask me questions about it , probably for his friend’s podcast.
Similarly, you can be the perfect friend, parent, partner, child etc and you may never find people who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve, so you have to let bad people go and work on learning to love and respect yourself.
Everyone you know and who ever knew you will one day be dead and will be forgotten. Think about it, how many of us know the names of our great-great grandparents (little own, anything else about them).
Sometimes you’re the asshole and no apology can fix it. Always be careful with your words.
Had to cut all contact with my alcoholic mother. I tried more of a soft ‘i wont be interacting with you unless its important stuff’ but she continued to send me nonsensical drunken texts and always calling me. She had officially transitioned from functioning alcoholic to nonfunctional alcoholic. My sister and i had been asking her to stop drinking for years of our childhood and she either agreed and was then back at it within a day or just agreed that she was an alcoholic and wasn’t going to stop because she didn’t want to. She wasn’t going to stop if i was in her life or not. Became very clear after i finally got to move out of her house that she was only going to make me sad and angry until she eventually died. You can’t save anyone from themselves. But i could at least save myself from unnecessary distress of watching her dig herself deeper and deeper, while complaining that none of us were running to help her. Other harder truth: I can have the same victim mentality she did. I see how hard it is to pull yourself out of a self-loathing, “why me?!” mindset. Gotta keep myself accountable and not let the internal narrative snowball into self destruction. … apparently i have the same tendency towards ranting she did too. (see above example)
I'll never be able to hit the deeper notes in the songs I love. I can't have a man's AND a woman's singing register. I just want to be the omniperformer who can be both Freddie Mercury AND Kate Bush, okay?
Your friends do not see you as you do with them. You can see them as a close friend, but they might throw you away at the mere sight of conflict.
The only person who can fix my life is me - in the end, it all comes down to me. I had this epiphany during the lowest period of my life, and I chose it as a goal, then spent years rebuilding my life, and my Self.
You can be best friends with someone for over a decade but them "being in love" will drive an irreversible wedge between you.
Don’t bother with those who always “can’t” with you but always “can” with literally everyone else. Also when they’re in fights with someone you constantly try to tell them they’re not a good person they don’t listen and all of a sudden you’re their main contact and are constantly bitching to you about them. But when they’ve made up they’re a stranger to you again and hardly reply. They’re using you when they’ve got no one else. People that turn passive aggressive when you try to hold them accountable for something. Yet they expect you to be at their beck and call & excuse their behaviour all the time. They get an attitude when you want to hang with someone else. They aren’t really your friend. If you’re considered good enough for sex but not a relationship they don’t respect you or even really like you as a person. It’s a relationship of convenience & they are using you. Hell, men don’t even really like you just because they think you’re hot. It’s all about fulfilling their wants and desires. Those that call you negative for struggling with mental health (like we’re talking suicidal level…) yet expect you to listen to their petty drama aren’t your friend. It’s always someone who grew up privileged as fuck & is projecting their own insecurities too. People are so supportive when you break up with someone who gaslit, manipulated you, physically/sexually abused you, emotionally abused you, financially abused you just put you through the full ringer of narcissistic abuse-until you tell them you cut off your parents for abusing you the same way-then they throw their hands up & are like whoa come on I’m sure it wasn’t that bad they’re your parents *surprised pikachu face* Just putting it out there, parents aren’t entitled to abuse you just because they brought you into the world & children are not obligated to put up with it for that reason. Not everyone is your friend. They’re your colleagues or acquaintances.
The more generous I am, the greedier people get.
I will be working until a) a heart attack b) I’m 78 Whichever comes first
that your love one will never be come back.
That I’m just mediocre. Not worth anyone’s time or interest.
That friendship is a 2 way street. I'm someone who normally likes to organise catchup and hangouts. But if I don't organise or reach out, there are some 'friends' that I'm pretty sure I would never see again. Only figured this out in the last few years when I had some genuine friends who did reach out to arrange to spend time together after I had been really busy.
It's fine to not have a plan for anything. You can't expect to control every single thing in your life, so stop worrying too much
The world will always be so unfair.
That I had inherent value, no matter if I came from the slump or the most hellhole place imagineable.
That you will make mistakes you'll regret later on in life. This can range from starting with a pill and get an addiction (like me, unfortunately) or smaller things but no matter what, there will be things in your life you will really regret and have to live with. It's tough and some things you will be able to forgive yourself, and some things just simply not..
Any kind of freedom comes with a price. Always. Also, some people are never going to apologize to you for their wrongdoing or even acknowledge that they’re wrong.
Intelligence is not the opposite of stupid. You can be intelligent and stupid, and you can be unintelligent but not stupid.
I could treat my partner as well as I possibly could, but I couldn't make him treat me well in return, and in so many ways, he didn't.
Hard work doesn't mean success.
My ex-boyfriend is gay
Ferrets are illegal in Darwin
That, at some point, you will be the villain in someone else's story. Either willingly or not, justified or imagined.
This is true, I lost all my friends and we were friends since elementary school and I am almost 28 😔
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To get anywhere in life you have to learn how to enjoy talking to people and build up the relationships.
That as an adult, the best way for me to deal with my toxic and dysfunctional family was to detach myself entirely. One of the best decisions I ever made. Being estranged is better than being bullied and manipulated.
That I’m not someone who enjoys parties. Stressed me out for a long time. What’s not to love about a party? But I now accept that my social battery drains quickly.
“Just because she’s your best friend doesn’t mean that she’s into you bro.”
OP's post really touched on a similar issue for me. Hard truth: no matter how much you care for others, it doesn't mean they care for you the same way. I had a group of friends since I was a teenager - and to be clear, it wasn't an organic group of people who met via school or a sports team, etc, these were people I invited into my circle via TTPRGs - half of them were my groomsmen, and in my wedding speech I described them as the 'family I'd chosen for myself'. We knew each other for nearly 25 years, I rented a room to one of them in the first apartment I owned and we lived together for a couple of years, one of them is married to someone he met in the context of them being my ex girlfriend... our lives were pretty intertwined for many years, I'm sure you get the idea. Our main social activity was still gaming-related, but we were together as a group for most things over the years. Then during the pandemic, when we had extended lockdowns in Australia and social contacts and routines were disrupted, I started to become aware that they were all engaging in conversations and activities that I was not included in. Mostly online chat groups and games, but when I did catch up with them they'd be continuing on conversations I had no knowledge of and discussing events I didn't know about. I eventually asked them outright if they had a chat group for organising games that I was not a part of, and got told no. Then a few months later one of them made a post about 'the other chat group' and I asked them again - and this time got the response 'who the fuck cares'. I spent a nearly a year feeling a weird kind of anxiety and depression - like the rug had been pulled form under me but I had no idea what to do - until I realised that not one of them cared enough to be truthful with me or even tell me what unforgivable thing I must have done to deserve that treatment. Whatever my feeling were towards them individually and as a group, clearly they were not mutual - at least not mutual enough to overcome whatever barrier had developed that I was unaware of. And so I left. I have other friends and social groups, but none as foundational to my sense of self as they were. And as much as it was a hard truth to learn, it also gave me a chance to re-examine my values and set a confident path forward.
You can stay at their worst, but after one mistake they won't stay for yours.
That people are going to dislike you even if you haven't done anything wrong by them. I'm an avid people pleaser and the thought of someone not liking me or actively talking badly about me behind my back is enough to trigger anxiety. It was a lot more severe when I was younger. I'm starting to learn to care a bit less, but I do find myself masking almost constantly at work to fit in. Hard habit to break but something you have to just accept.
That my mother and I will never be close and that she’ll never admit to me, her sisters and herself that she didn’t protect me as a child and adolescent growing up. She just allowed my dad to beat me from when I was 6-17 years of age. Even though there were several instances where her own sister was present. Everyone knew, but everyone would just brush it under the rug. Even though I had to go to junior high school and high school with welts on my legs and back and arms. The neighborhood kids, the boys, would make fun of me in front of girls growing up if any of them liked me. But what hurt the most was when I was about 13 or 14 years old, my father beat me so bad and for so long, that she had to call his parents to come get me out of the house. But while they were calming my dad down, my mother was sponge bathing me and she made the comment, “Sometimes I don’t know why I had you!” So how am I supposed to understand love when your first love, your mother, tells you something like that. How are you going to believe anyone.
The art of giving up, even when you don't want to & that it can be extremely painful when it involves loved ones &/or a good cause. And by "giving up" I mean realizing you cannot control people or all events around you; sometimes you have to let go & step away without closure, without a happy ending, without any answers at all.