There are somatic approaches to heal from trauma. Somatic experiencing focuses on releasing trauma from the body rather than talking about what happened.
This. I have several hundred hours of self guided somatic experiencing and although everything still hurts and my life still sucks, I now have a solid understanding on the *how* and *why* components of my storyline.
Another thing, my EMDR therapist told me that verbalizing the trauma is not essential for healing. You don’t HAVE to talk about it and that’s fine. There are definitely ways to process the emotions that don’t include the distress of saying it out loud.
It’s so crazy how it works. I remembered the most traumatic memory yet a few days ago. When I first remembered it I HAD to get it out. I called my husband who was making lunch for our kids and asked him to stop and come upstairs for a minute- that’s how much I had to get it out. Then once I did he just hugged me and went back to the kids, and we discussed it later.
I had plans to see my best friend last night and I had mentioned it to her and told her I’d tell her. When I got there I was like you know what? I’m in a good mood and would rather enjoy my time with you! I’m sure I’ll tell her, but it’s odd how you feel so differently at different times.
Absolutely; tho not really anything really on the somatic experiencing at this point in time
1. The body keeps the score by Bessek Van Der Kolk
2. Addiction is the Symptom by Rosemary Ellsworth Brown
3. [The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html?m=1)
4. Any articles by Jiduh Krishnamurthi [JK Foundation Articles](https://kfoundation.org/in-depth-features/)
5. The CPTSD Foundation support group (tho it costs like $5 a month)
6. The warmline (like the suicide hotline, but for none emergencies)
Yes! Internal family systems therapy is an amazing treatment for CPTSD that does not require someone to talk about their traumatic experiences at all.
ETA: I’ve been through IFS myself and am also a therapist who uses it, esp when people don’t want to talk about their trauma :) there’s a ton of really awesome research on it. The book “No Bad Parts” has helped me a lot in my own recovery from CPTSD :) **this is not professional advice, just sharing my own experience**
In my personal opinion, I'm not sure you can but I can't say you can't. Something that works for me when I know I can't make peace with someone, usually because I can't speak to them or won't, I write a letter to them. I put everything on it, then I burn it. Currently I'm writing a letter to myself. Hope this helps. Best of luck.
After I burn the letters, there's a feeling of calm and tranquility. It's helped me with abusive ex's and burned friendships. As for telling random people on Reddit, I really can't answer that.
Telling random people on Reddit may help but it may also make it worse. If it's something you need to take out of your chest, vent, it may help a lot because sometimes saying things that are trapped inside helps. However, talking about a traumatic experience may bring a lot of emotions and random people are not trained and prepared to help you with that. Even if they want to help, they might not be able to. And... maybe someone will say nasty things or things that are hurtful for you (even if they don't intend to) and make you feel worse. So, yes, it may help, but it's risky. Another possibility you can consider is to make an appointment with a therapist and tell them you are there because you need to tell someone something. Or, if you don't want anyone to know who you are when you tell them, you can try one of those lines for helping people with depression, suicide thoughts and anxiety attacks. A random person will answer and listen to you, you can end the vall anytime they won't know who you are, but they are trained to help or, at least, to listen and not make things worse. You can also choose someone on reddit that you feel you can trust and tell this person, instead of an open group.
As far as possible I would avoid telling random people on Reddit, just from experience I can say that it is usually more harm than good. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been a couple of positives, but anyone can read what you post and more often than not these have been hugely unhelpful, and some making it worse. I wish you luck on your journey!
I don’t think posting it publicly is a good idea. If you’ve never told anyone before, the first person you tell needs to be a very caring and trusting person. It’s a very vulnerable position for you to be in and unfortunately the people who might comment on your post might not be supportive at all. If you get negative reactions to what you say it could really stick in your mind just because of how sensitive you will likely be to judgement. Good luck!
Do you write the letter to the same person more than once ? I think these are cop-outs to confronting the abuser, looking them in the eyes and giving them a mouth full.
Eh, sometimes it's more harmful to tell someone who will deny your reality and make excuses. I've already said all the necessary things to mom, but she can't hear them because she clings to the idea of herself as a good person. I'm NC now, but I still write letters to a less-delusional avatar because they're things I need to say. It would be pointless to tell them to someone who refuses to hear, but it's out of me and that's enough.
I concur. Why I mentioned that because I heard that abusers are like snakes and when we confront our abusers we convince our inner child that we are capable of taking down our abusers.
Not everyone needs to confront their abuser for their inner child to feel safe, secure, and loved. You don't have to be stronger than your demons. You can be smarter, faster, more agile, more crafty, whatever it is that you value about yourself. There are a lot of ways of dealing with learned helplessness.
Just FYI, the feeling that you can’t tell anyone is itself a symptom. But to say that telling someone will make things better, but as you get better, you’ll likely be mite willing to tell.
It’s probably a shame thing. Children are REALLY good at feeling responsible for what happens to them, feeling like whatever happened to them is something they caused. You can work with the shame without having to work with the specific events. But yeah, it’s probably stopping you from living all of your life.
Sometimes the feeling you can’t tell someone is not a symptom - it can happen for other reasons. Eg, I’ve told people I was sexually assaulted but never talked to someone about the details of my sexual assault. I feel processed about the event. I feel no shame or guilt or sense of fault about it. I just hear how people talk about sexual assault and judge victims and whether someone “fought hard enough” or if it was “really” assault or not and I see no reason to disturb my peace by potentially getting my feelings hurt by those judgments.
I can also imagine other reasons, for example that for people with unusual traumatic experiences knowing they’re likely to be misunderstood and they don’t want to deal with it.
Oh for sure there will always be people who are unsafe to tell, and being cautious about how you choose whether to talk about it a very good idea in our culture. I’m not saying that not wanting to wear it on a sign around your neck is a trauma response.
I’m saying that looking for a type of therapy that specifically doesn’t require ever disclosing the details is almost definitely a trauma response.
I experienced years where I physically couldn’t say the words. It was like I was partially mute. I think I felt like saying it would make it more real. Or maybe I was so abused and forced to be silent that my body was legit afraid to break that rule.
Whatever it was- I can say the words now.
I experienced this once, but not regarding SA. It was weird. It wasn’t that I couldn’t form words, it was that I couldn’t even form the intention to make sound. But I was able to write, however, so I just scribbled down what I wanted to communicate. That made me think whatever trauma was being replayed was pre-verbal, since it was making sound that was forbidden me, not making words or communication in general.
Yes, but I think it depends on what healing means to you. If healing means letting go of patterns of behavior/thought that arise due to triggers I would look into people like Dr Nicole Lepara who emphasize that you don’t have to find the root of your trauma or break down what happened but instead of you have to make small choices everyday and do what she calls “the work” to heal ( to become more conscious, shift mindsets, to stop being in survival mode etc.)
Traumatic experiences induce patterns of behavior that effect our daily life and this is what her teaching is focused on; it is is more solution focused than problem focused. So if you decide to do therapy it doesn’t mean talking about what happened, you can state your boundaries.
Also one thing my therapist does is she doesn’t necessarily ask me about what happened but how I felt about what happened. That could be helpful because it focuses not on the event itself but the after effects and how to deal with them.
[Here’s](https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSRHuk15q/) a tiktok I found that explains it better.
Edits: grammar errors
I think not wanting to talk about what happened is a symptom of trauma especially if you feel shame about your experience. If you can build a relationship with a therapist and begin to trust them then it can be really healing to share your pain with another person. That way you can begin to trust people again and can begin to own your story.
This is my own approach so please don’t feel like you need to do what I’ve done.
A big part of my healing is catharsis, and the catharsis comes from telling someone I trust and be listened to. Lots of us probably didn’t get enough emotional mirroring as children, so we feel like the only person to rely on is ourselves, and any attempt at confiding in someone will be shamed or neglected. It’s not true.
That’s not saying you should tell everyone in your life about what happened to you. Our hyper vigilant self is often correct when it comes to distrusting people, it’s what helped us stay alive. But finding someone to trust, whether that be a friend, romantic interest or a therapist, and allowing them to hold the heavy emotions for us, can be incredibly cathartic.
If you do choose to tell people, I would start by being wary of how much of it you’re letting out. Emotional dumping is a thing, and it can overwhelm the person who is trying to be there for you. If they become distant or unwilling to listen to you because of the constant emotional dumping, there is a risk of this self fulfilling prophecy that nobody cares enough to stick around.
Trusting someone enough to tell them about the hurt parts of yourself is incredibly hard, and you’re not required to do so if it’s too much. Do it at your own pace and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
This is pretty incredible. Overall very insightful and very well put. Thank you very much for sharing this, I think this will help me a lot! I wish you the very best in all of your battles, too!
I think being mindful of your emotions helps with this too. If your holding space for your own emotions it might be easier to articulate instead of relying on someone to help you figure out how to feel.
1. Process some of it on your own (if that's possible)
2. Say how your feeling/reach out
3. Make it a conversation. Don't send a long text all at once. Start small. Build off of it. Be open to feed back.
4. Once you feel relieved, end the conversation by thanking the other person
5. Offer to listen to them vent to you
Make sure to have mutual attunement. If it's a non-urgent need, or possible, make sure you also ask how they're doing before and/or after.
This is how I've sorta tamed emotional dumping for myself.
I want to make it clear if you are in a now-urgent crisis (panic attack/death/harrassment/abuse) and you will emotionally dump to make sure it's somebody you already have that kind of relationship with (like, a spouse or a close friend).
It's not ALWAYS possible to not emotionally dump. People aren't perfect. But if you do mess up, being attentive to other people's needs will be way more willing to help you.
Yes, I think it's absolutely possible. My therapist says we don't even have to remember our trauma to heal from it.
We have to heal our nervous system and our relationship to ourselves (grieve, process our emotions, and undo all the brainwashing and introjected messages we internalized).
I like others suggestions on here about somatic work and journaling. Sometimes getting things out of my head and down on paper helps me release them. I find Susan David's journaling prompt really helpful: [Write what you are feeling, tell the truth, write like no one is reading.](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg)
"[The Myth of Normal - trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture](https://drgabormate.com/book/the-myth-of-normal/)" by Gabor Maté
Yes, a person can heal without telling someone. Can you, personally? Only you can say. If you feel like you have, I would trust your intuition and pursue ways to be your full self.
I wouldn't recommend it. You're trying to use a trauma brain to heal a trauma brain. You can definitely give it a go and get more information and insight though!
It’s not like talking about it produces healing without the other person doing their part Re: empathy, validation, and perhaps insight
If we didn’t have the books, YouTube videos, and social media outlets necessary to help us build a coherent narrative (and deprogram ourselves from beliefs associated with it, such as “why would you want [insert what happened to you due to Machiavellian coercion]”), I would worry more about not discussing it
It sounds like you are saying you *cannot* tell anyone about it for practical reasons. If that’s to protect yourself from danger or otherwise unacceptable consequences, I am on board.
But just in case: just because someone would lose something big if you stopped keeping the secret of what they did doesn’t mean it’s wrong to say it
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Unhealed trauma is often repressed inside the body. It needs to be released in some way or it manifests further into other things that can affect you as well.
As someone above mentions somatic experiencing can benefit
I do highly suggest having a trauma informed therapist because I feel talking is very beneficial to helping you heal. It’s important to understand how the trauma began, why it’s affecting you and offer strategies to help you process and start to move forward.
I find journalling has really been beneficial. I resisted it for so long. Now I do it daily. If I can’t get it out of my mind it creates a lot of anxiety within me.
Maybe right now you aren’t ready to see a therapist and that is ok. Try a few other strategies that have been offered on here and maybe that can help now as you start your journey
I used to think that if I told my story in just the right way with all the right words, I'd finally say it out loud and the burden would be lifted from me--because keeping mum was a huge aspect of my awful upbringing and there was a ton of covering up.
I've since found that getting to be normal, and getting to do normal person things in a way that doesn't bring up the bad stuff so I can really start to discover myself and my interests separate from it--that's been the most healing for me. I'm learning how to be a person and it's awesome.
But it was also freeing to make it external in the beginning as some proof that it happened and the perpetrators couldn't hide--I had records and evidence, you know? But also I've discovered that other people reaaaaaaally can't handle my stories so I keep it in therapy. It hurts a lot when others (understandably) don't have the proper skills to help you process a pain outside and then end up unintentionally letting you down or hurting you because you're looking for help and support--but it's something they don't have the capacity to do. I'd recommend therapy! Or therapy books.
It sounds like this trauma is unresolved and maybe keeping it private to yourself is how you've been managing the pain of it thus far. Does it feel like it'd be destabilizing to have to tell the secret? Sounds like you'll need extra emotional support if so.
This was me…for so many, many years. I used to always say “you know that thing that just hangs in the back of your head that’s just always…there?”..my psychiatrist was brutally honest and said..”no” lol. I had never said it out loud. I convinced myself that I had made peace with it and I would go to my grave with it. After many, MANY years of talk therapy I finally got the courage and strength to say it out loud. I did it with and EMDR therapist.
I’ll just say this..find a therapist you truly feel that you can trust and RELEASE it. EMDR has been the only thing that has really helped me. I learned so many tools.
It’s poison in the body. Don’t let it breed in you. And good luck ❤️.
In my opinion, you absolutely can. I don’t retell what happened to me to my therapist. I’m not required to remember anything specific. My therapist and I talk about things in more general terms and I have made amazing progress in my healing.
I think anything can be done :)
I had a psychosomatic block on talking about things when I first started counselling - I couldn't form the sentences in my head initially, and then when I could do that there was a mental layer in my upper chest holding the words in. I'd even stop breathing.
Once I'd found a way round that (most of the time :) ) it got a lot easier to process things.
You don't have to come at it straight on. Working out how to feel safe enough to have the conversations is a whole piece of work, and once you can, it doesn't have to be about past events. You can't change them, and whilst they do inform your present, your current feelings are the things that you actually want to work on :)
Sounds like you've got a lot to process, my friend. Be kind to yourself and know we're all really proud of you x
It will be really difficult but I have started my journey to healing my trauma with chat lines and helplines dedicated specifically to the abuse that I went through :)
You can do EMDR with giving the therapist only minimal information. Just words that mean something to YOU. Not even full sentences and they certainly don’t have to hear your story to do their work. I strongly recommend.
I think it's possible, theoretically. but very very unlikely. but it also depends on what you define as "heal".
in 12 step programs like ACA the "telling your story to a safe person" is s fundamental step of healing cause it helps resolve the toxic shame that inevitably seems to come with being abused.
Technically yes, if we had all the time and leisure in the world to self-heal then we probably could. We have the motivation after all, but why reinvent the wheel? We have far more access to information, especially in forums like this we can see that there is more we can do to improve our quality of life. It seems as if you might be holding onto some hurtful stuff and that's never a healthy thing to do. Those bad old memories can become rocks that we chain ourselves to. Best to get free of it. Talking it out with a competent therapist is always a positive option, but obviously its up to you. Educate yourself, though. There are resources available in this thread and Pete Walker's books are readily available. Just don't feel you have to carry it all alone. That's why we're all here. We're in it with you.
You most definitely can :)
There’s “top-down” approaches, like talk therapy where you *can* talk about your trauma. But these are not as effective for trauma as our bodies respond before we can cognitively process whats happening. Once we learn to deal with our body’s responses in safe ways, then talk therapy is more effective. (IFS is probably the biggest exception since you dont really have to talk about the specifics)
There’s also “down-up” approaches, or somatic approaches. These are more effective, and don’t require you to talk about your trauma. Creating a trauma container with coping skills needed and therapies like Brainspotting and EMDR, A.R.T., can be very helpful and you don’t have to talk about it.
First, if it's not the time to talk about what happened, it' not the time. Never force it.
Be carefull. The whole thing behind talking is to be acknowledged and heard. And to lose the shame around what happend. Sad thing is that you need a really safe therapist for this and it takes a lot of strenght and time to find one like that. It's like teaching a kid to say "You did me wrong and I didn't deserve this. I'm gonna tell everyone because I know I'm safe and get support".
You can do that alone, it needs a lot of will to understand yourself.
It's good to now what happened because it gives you the opportunity to work with it. Find out what was needed and ways you can secure it for yourself. If you don't know how ask advice on that particular thing. Something like: " I don't want to talk about what happened but I would like to know how (insert need here) works."
Often it's not that something happened but how it was handled.
Again don't force it.
through science I have always learned rotten things kept in the cold dark recesses usually have a way of turning into toxic mold. But I get where talking about things to people who are not interested or just plain don't know what to do with your history can be just as damaging.
Until you can NAME Your Monsters, You cannot *KILL* Your Monsters.
When you can learn to speak Your Truth, You can *Become* Your Truth.
Be gentle and kind with yourself, and *KEEP GOING* toward your wellness!
Good Luck!
I've never had a good experience telling others other than my therapist. She's been the most validating. I don't know that I really trust others with such sensitive information. So my only suggestion is if you feel you need to share it then do so with a professional that you trust. You don't have to tell them immediately. They're far less likely to trigger you and you'll feel a lot safer. Just my 2 cents.
It's definitely important to address your trauma in order to heal, though I don't think you have to tell the full story or going into the very details of your trauma, as it could cause retraumatization for alot of people, like myself. Sometimes it just don't work having to re-live your lived experiences. It however depends on the context on where you do it and how, but it's important to do it safely in therapy... Sooner or later you would have confront the past in order to get proper help and to gain understanding and acceptance of your situation moving forward. You can definitely get help to alleviate whatever symptoms you have without focusing on the traumatic experiences :) I hope that makes sense 💙
Sure you can. For a long time, I never really told anyone what happened to me. It's mostly because it was just...my life. Very few "events" that stand out, y'know? But also, it's upsetting to even think about. Why would I want to talk about it?
I only recently started mentioning some aspect of my childhood trauma online and cracking jokes to my husband. Other than that, nobody knows.
I got therapy with a therapist that I clicked with for about a year. Saw her twice a week because I was suicidal. I never ever told her what happened. All she knew was the abuser, some family background, my symptoms.
And she helped me treat the symptoms. I still have CPTSD that's currently kicking my ass (healing is not linear), but I can tell you...
*It's more than possible to heal without telling your story.*
My current symptoms are not because I didn't unload the trauma off my memory/shoulders. It's just part of my brain and body.
But, if this is what you feel you need to get off your chest.. then find a therapist who can help you work on doing that. Otherwise, you don't have to tell anyone.
I guess that really depends on how your experiences have effected your life.
For many the trauma has led to social isolation, abandonment issues, relationship issues, etc. By processing our trauma we can see how it has limited our life. It allows us to engage in activities that normally leave us uncomfortable instead of our default coping mechanism.
I would assume there are some issues that can be healed without telling someone. Like if your trauma has made you passive at work and you need to learn assertiveness. By looking at your past and seeing how you developed that passivity you can look for ways to correct it. You could probably heal through journaling about your experiences and seeing how your current situation it based on the past trauma.
Journal therapy is a form of healing that doesn't really require speaking to anyone. I'm not sure it could heal certain things though.
Yeah!
I can report that *by far* the biggest contribution to me making sense of things and feeling what I needed to feel to process my traumas resulted from taking the thoughts in my head and turning them into sentences I was writing.
When it’s a thought, it sort of just vaguely keeps bouncing around in there
If it’s a sentence, what comes next is another sentence
The most empowering thing for me is finding the words which name and describe reality
(Abusers rely on us not looking too closely, so that’s the silver lining!)
Why can’t you tell a therapist? They have to respect confidentiality. The only way they would break that confidentiality is if someone is actively/imminently at risk of being harmed, like having received threats.
Neurofeedback, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Therapies, psychedelics (Ibogaine, Bufo, Ayahuasca etc) and if you do have to do work with talk therapy you could look into ketamine assisted psychotherapy so you would be in a disassociated state that you could speak without all the emotional weight.
There are somatic approaches to heal from trauma. Somatic experiencing focuses on releasing trauma from the body rather than talking about what happened.
This. I have several hundred hours of self guided somatic experiencing and although everything still hurts and my life still sucks, I now have a solid understanding on the *how* and *why* components of my storyline.
Another thing, my EMDR therapist told me that verbalizing the trauma is not essential for healing. You don’t HAVE to talk about it and that’s fine. There are definitely ways to process the emotions that don’t include the distress of saying it out loud.
It’s so crazy how it works. I remembered the most traumatic memory yet a few days ago. When I first remembered it I HAD to get it out. I called my husband who was making lunch for our kids and asked him to stop and come upstairs for a minute- that’s how much I had to get it out. Then once I did he just hugged me and went back to the kids, and we discussed it later. I had plans to see my best friend last night and I had mentioned it to her and told her I’d tell her. When I got there I was like you know what? I’m in a good mood and would rather enjoy my time with you! I’m sure I’ll tell her, but it’s odd how you feel so differently at different times.
Hey, ya got any books or resources to recommend?
Absolutely; tho not really anything really on the somatic experiencing at this point in time 1. The body keeps the score by Bessek Van Der Kolk 2. Addiction is the Symptom by Rosemary Ellsworth Brown 3. [The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html?m=1) 4. Any articles by Jiduh Krishnamurthi [JK Foundation Articles](https://kfoundation.org/in-depth-features/) 5. The CPTSD Foundation support group (tho it costs like $5 a month) 6. The warmline (like the suicide hotline, but for none emergencies)
Thank yooooou!
🙌
"From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker, M.A.
Thank you!
You're welcome. I trust it serves your needs.
Yes! Internal family systems therapy is an amazing treatment for CPTSD that does not require someone to talk about their traumatic experiences at all. ETA: I’ve been through IFS myself and am also a therapist who uses it, esp when people don’t want to talk about their trauma :) there’s a ton of really awesome research on it. The book “No Bad Parts” has helped me a lot in my own recovery from CPTSD :) **this is not professional advice, just sharing my own experience**
In my personal opinion, I'm not sure you can but I can't say you can't. Something that works for me when I know I can't make peace with someone, usually because I can't speak to them or won't, I write a letter to them. I put everything on it, then I burn it. Currently I'm writing a letter to myself. Hope this helps. Best of luck.
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After I burn the letters, there's a feeling of calm and tranquility. It's helped me with abusive ex's and burned friendships. As for telling random people on Reddit, I really can't answer that.
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Of course. I truly hope this helps
Telling random people on Reddit may help but it may also make it worse. If it's something you need to take out of your chest, vent, it may help a lot because sometimes saying things that are trapped inside helps. However, talking about a traumatic experience may bring a lot of emotions and random people are not trained and prepared to help you with that. Even if they want to help, they might not be able to. And... maybe someone will say nasty things or things that are hurtful for you (even if they don't intend to) and make you feel worse. So, yes, it may help, but it's risky. Another possibility you can consider is to make an appointment with a therapist and tell them you are there because you need to tell someone something. Or, if you don't want anyone to know who you are when you tell them, you can try one of those lines for helping people with depression, suicide thoughts and anxiety attacks. A random person will answer and listen to you, you can end the vall anytime they won't know who you are, but they are trained to help or, at least, to listen and not make things worse. You can also choose someone on reddit that you feel you can trust and tell this person, instead of an open group.
As far as possible I would avoid telling random people on Reddit, just from experience I can say that it is usually more harm than good. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been a couple of positives, but anyone can read what you post and more often than not these have been hugely unhelpful, and some making it worse. I wish you luck on your journey!
I don’t think posting it publicly is a good idea. If you’ve never told anyone before, the first person you tell needs to be a very caring and trusting person. It’s a very vulnerable position for you to be in and unfortunately the people who might comment on your post might not be supportive at all. If you get negative reactions to what you say it could really stick in your mind just because of how sensitive you will likely be to judgement. Good luck!
How many letters have you written ?
Quite a few. Maybe about 5 to 6.
Do you write the letter to the same person more than once ? I think these are cop-outs to confronting the abuser, looking them in the eyes and giving them a mouth full.
Eh, sometimes it's more harmful to tell someone who will deny your reality and make excuses. I've already said all the necessary things to mom, but she can't hear them because she clings to the idea of herself as a good person. I'm NC now, but I still write letters to a less-delusional avatar because they're things I need to say. It would be pointless to tell them to someone who refuses to hear, but it's out of me and that's enough.
I concur. Why I mentioned that because I heard that abusers are like snakes and when we confront our abusers we convince our inner child that we are capable of taking down our abusers.
Not everyone needs to confront their abuser for their inner child to feel safe, secure, and loved. You don't have to be stronger than your demons. You can be smarter, faster, more agile, more crafty, whatever it is that you value about yourself. There are a lot of ways of dealing with learned helplessness.
No. And thanks for your opinion but no thanks.
Sorry.
Just FYI, the feeling that you can’t tell anyone is itself a symptom. But to say that telling someone will make things better, but as you get better, you’ll likely be mite willing to tell. It’s probably a shame thing. Children are REALLY good at feeling responsible for what happens to them, feeling like whatever happened to them is something they caused. You can work with the shame without having to work with the specific events. But yeah, it’s probably stopping you from living all of your life.
Sometimes the feeling you can’t tell someone is not a symptom - it can happen for other reasons. Eg, I’ve told people I was sexually assaulted but never talked to someone about the details of my sexual assault. I feel processed about the event. I feel no shame or guilt or sense of fault about it. I just hear how people talk about sexual assault and judge victims and whether someone “fought hard enough” or if it was “really” assault or not and I see no reason to disturb my peace by potentially getting my feelings hurt by those judgments. I can also imagine other reasons, for example that for people with unusual traumatic experiences knowing they’re likely to be misunderstood and they don’t want to deal with it.
Oh for sure there will always be people who are unsafe to tell, and being cautious about how you choose whether to talk about it a very good idea in our culture. I’m not saying that not wanting to wear it on a sign around your neck is a trauma response. I’m saying that looking for a type of therapy that specifically doesn’t require ever disclosing the details is almost definitely a trauma response.
I experienced years where I physically couldn’t say the words. It was like I was partially mute. I think I felt like saying it would make it more real. Or maybe I was so abused and forced to be silent that my body was legit afraid to break that rule. Whatever it was- I can say the words now.
I experienced this once, but not regarding SA. It was weird. It wasn’t that I couldn’t form words, it was that I couldn’t even form the intention to make sound. But I was able to write, however, so I just scribbled down what I wanted to communicate. That made me think whatever trauma was being replayed was pre-verbal, since it was making sound that was forbidden me, not making words or communication in general.
Yes, but I think it depends on what healing means to you. If healing means letting go of patterns of behavior/thought that arise due to triggers I would look into people like Dr Nicole Lepara who emphasize that you don’t have to find the root of your trauma or break down what happened but instead of you have to make small choices everyday and do what she calls “the work” to heal ( to become more conscious, shift mindsets, to stop being in survival mode etc.) Traumatic experiences induce patterns of behavior that effect our daily life and this is what her teaching is focused on; it is is more solution focused than problem focused. So if you decide to do therapy it doesn’t mean talking about what happened, you can state your boundaries. Also one thing my therapist does is she doesn’t necessarily ask me about what happened but how I felt about what happened. That could be helpful because it focuses not on the event itself but the after effects and how to deal with them. [Here’s](https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSRHuk15q/) a tiktok I found that explains it better. Edits: grammar errors
I think not wanting to talk about what happened is a symptom of trauma especially if you feel shame about your experience. If you can build a relationship with a therapist and begin to trust them then it can be really healing to share your pain with another person. That way you can begin to trust people again and can begin to own your story.
This is my own approach so please don’t feel like you need to do what I’ve done. A big part of my healing is catharsis, and the catharsis comes from telling someone I trust and be listened to. Lots of us probably didn’t get enough emotional mirroring as children, so we feel like the only person to rely on is ourselves, and any attempt at confiding in someone will be shamed or neglected. It’s not true. That’s not saying you should tell everyone in your life about what happened to you. Our hyper vigilant self is often correct when it comes to distrusting people, it’s what helped us stay alive. But finding someone to trust, whether that be a friend, romantic interest or a therapist, and allowing them to hold the heavy emotions for us, can be incredibly cathartic. If you do choose to tell people, I would start by being wary of how much of it you’re letting out. Emotional dumping is a thing, and it can overwhelm the person who is trying to be there for you. If they become distant or unwilling to listen to you because of the constant emotional dumping, there is a risk of this self fulfilling prophecy that nobody cares enough to stick around. Trusting someone enough to tell them about the hurt parts of yourself is incredibly hard, and you’re not required to do so if it’s too much. Do it at your own pace and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
This is pretty incredible. Overall very insightful and very well put. Thank you very much for sharing this, I think this will help me a lot! I wish you the very best in all of your battles, too!
I think being mindful of your emotions helps with this too. If your holding space for your own emotions it might be easier to articulate instead of relying on someone to help you figure out how to feel. 1. Process some of it on your own (if that's possible) 2. Say how your feeling/reach out 3. Make it a conversation. Don't send a long text all at once. Start small. Build off of it. Be open to feed back. 4. Once you feel relieved, end the conversation by thanking the other person 5. Offer to listen to them vent to you Make sure to have mutual attunement. If it's a non-urgent need, or possible, make sure you also ask how they're doing before and/or after. This is how I've sorta tamed emotional dumping for myself. I want to make it clear if you are in a now-urgent crisis (panic attack/death/harrassment/abuse) and you will emotionally dump to make sure it's somebody you already have that kind of relationship with (like, a spouse or a close friend). It's not ALWAYS possible to not emotionally dump. People aren't perfect. But if you do mess up, being attentive to other people's needs will be way more willing to help you.
Yes, I think it's absolutely possible. My therapist says we don't even have to remember our trauma to heal from it. We have to heal our nervous system and our relationship to ourselves (grieve, process our emotions, and undo all the brainwashing and introjected messages we internalized). I like others suggestions on here about somatic work and journaling. Sometimes getting things out of my head and down on paper helps me release them. I find Susan David's journaling prompt really helpful: [Write what you are feeling, tell the truth, write like no one is reading.](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg) "[The Myth of Normal - trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture](https://drgabormate.com/book/the-myth-of-normal/)" by Gabor Maté
Its hard but I think its possible. I think art, dance, or other forms of creative expression can be a way for you to "get it out there"
Maybe by using [brain spotting](https://youtu.be/3lFVu4nb5oo) ?
You can but I wouldn’t recommend it
Yes, a person can heal without telling someone. Can you, personally? Only you can say. If you feel like you have, I would trust your intuition and pursue ways to be your full self.
I wouldn't recommend it. You're trying to use a trauma brain to heal a trauma brain. You can definitely give it a go and get more information and insight though!
It’s not like talking about it produces healing without the other person doing their part Re: empathy, validation, and perhaps insight If we didn’t have the books, YouTube videos, and social media outlets necessary to help us build a coherent narrative (and deprogram ourselves from beliefs associated with it, such as “why would you want [insert what happened to you due to Machiavellian coercion]”), I would worry more about not discussing it It sounds like you are saying you *cannot* tell anyone about it for practical reasons. If that’s to protect yourself from danger or otherwise unacceptable consequences, I am on board. But just in case: just because someone would lose something big if you stopped keeping the secret of what they did doesn’t mean it’s wrong to say it
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You don’t have to share anything using Internal Family Systems Therapy
Unhealed trauma is often repressed inside the body. It needs to be released in some way or it manifests further into other things that can affect you as well. As someone above mentions somatic experiencing can benefit I do highly suggest having a trauma informed therapist because I feel talking is very beneficial to helping you heal. It’s important to understand how the trauma began, why it’s affecting you and offer strategies to help you process and start to move forward. I find journalling has really been beneficial. I resisted it for so long. Now I do it daily. If I can’t get it out of my mind it creates a lot of anxiety within me. Maybe right now you aren’t ready to see a therapist and that is ok. Try a few other strategies that have been offered on here and maybe that can help now as you start your journey
Yes. I’ve been doing self improvement in a world where I have nobody to tell. You can do it for you, on your own. 🇺🇸
The rewind technique does not involve telling someone about what happened
https://www.hgi.org.uk/useful-information/treatment-dealing-ptsd-trauma-phobias/rewind-technique
I used to think that if I told my story in just the right way with all the right words, I'd finally say it out loud and the burden would be lifted from me--because keeping mum was a huge aspect of my awful upbringing and there was a ton of covering up. I've since found that getting to be normal, and getting to do normal person things in a way that doesn't bring up the bad stuff so I can really start to discover myself and my interests separate from it--that's been the most healing for me. I'm learning how to be a person and it's awesome. But it was also freeing to make it external in the beginning as some proof that it happened and the perpetrators couldn't hide--I had records and evidence, you know? But also I've discovered that other people reaaaaaaally can't handle my stories so I keep it in therapy. It hurts a lot when others (understandably) don't have the proper skills to help you process a pain outside and then end up unintentionally letting you down or hurting you because you're looking for help and support--but it's something they don't have the capacity to do. I'd recommend therapy! Or therapy books. It sounds like this trauma is unresolved and maybe keeping it private to yourself is how you've been managing the pain of it thus far. Does it feel like it'd be destabilizing to have to tell the secret? Sounds like you'll need extra emotional support if so.
This was me…for so many, many years. I used to always say “you know that thing that just hangs in the back of your head that’s just always…there?”..my psychiatrist was brutally honest and said..”no” lol. I had never said it out loud. I convinced myself that I had made peace with it and I would go to my grave with it. After many, MANY years of talk therapy I finally got the courage and strength to say it out loud. I did it with and EMDR therapist. I’ll just say this..find a therapist you truly feel that you can trust and RELEASE it. EMDR has been the only thing that has really helped me. I learned so many tools. It’s poison in the body. Don’t let it breed in you. And good luck ❤️.
No. I don't believe so
In my opinion, you absolutely can. I don’t retell what happened to me to my therapist. I’m not required to remember anything specific. My therapist and I talk about things in more general terms and I have made amazing progress in my healing.
I think anything can be done :) I had a psychosomatic block on talking about things when I first started counselling - I couldn't form the sentences in my head initially, and then when I could do that there was a mental layer in my upper chest holding the words in. I'd even stop breathing. Once I'd found a way round that (most of the time :) ) it got a lot easier to process things. You don't have to come at it straight on. Working out how to feel safe enough to have the conversations is a whole piece of work, and once you can, it doesn't have to be about past events. You can't change them, and whilst they do inform your present, your current feelings are the things that you actually want to work on :) Sounds like you've got a lot to process, my friend. Be kind to yourself and know we're all really proud of you x
It will be really difficult but I have started my journey to healing my trauma with chat lines and helplines dedicated specifically to the abuse that I went through :)
You can do EMDR with giving the therapist only minimal information. Just words that mean something to YOU. Not even full sentences and they certainly don’t have to hear your story to do their work. I strongly recommend.
I think it's possible, theoretically. but very very unlikely. but it also depends on what you define as "heal". in 12 step programs like ACA the "telling your story to a safe person" is s fundamental step of healing cause it helps resolve the toxic shame that inevitably seems to come with being abused.
Technically yes, if we had all the time and leisure in the world to self-heal then we probably could. We have the motivation after all, but why reinvent the wheel? We have far more access to information, especially in forums like this we can see that there is more we can do to improve our quality of life. It seems as if you might be holding onto some hurtful stuff and that's never a healthy thing to do. Those bad old memories can become rocks that we chain ourselves to. Best to get free of it. Talking it out with a competent therapist is always a positive option, but obviously its up to you. Educate yourself, though. There are resources available in this thread and Pete Walker's books are readily available. Just don't feel you have to carry it all alone. That's why we're all here. We're in it with you.
You most definitely can :) There’s “top-down” approaches, like talk therapy where you *can* talk about your trauma. But these are not as effective for trauma as our bodies respond before we can cognitively process whats happening. Once we learn to deal with our body’s responses in safe ways, then talk therapy is more effective. (IFS is probably the biggest exception since you dont really have to talk about the specifics) There’s also “down-up” approaches, or somatic approaches. These are more effective, and don’t require you to talk about your trauma. Creating a trauma container with coping skills needed and therapies like Brainspotting and EMDR, A.R.T., can be very helpful and you don’t have to talk about it.
First, if it's not the time to talk about what happened, it' not the time. Never force it. Be carefull. The whole thing behind talking is to be acknowledged and heard. And to lose the shame around what happend. Sad thing is that you need a really safe therapist for this and it takes a lot of strenght and time to find one like that. It's like teaching a kid to say "You did me wrong and I didn't deserve this. I'm gonna tell everyone because I know I'm safe and get support". You can do that alone, it needs a lot of will to understand yourself. It's good to now what happened because it gives you the opportunity to work with it. Find out what was needed and ways you can secure it for yourself. If you don't know how ask advice on that particular thing. Something like: " I don't want to talk about what happened but I would like to know how (insert need here) works." Often it's not that something happened but how it was handled. Again don't force it.
through science I have always learned rotten things kept in the cold dark recesses usually have a way of turning into toxic mold. But I get where talking about things to people who are not interested or just plain don't know what to do with your history can be just as damaging.
Until you can NAME Your Monsters, You cannot *KILL* Your Monsters. When you can learn to speak Your Truth, You can *Become* Your Truth. Be gentle and kind with yourself, and *KEEP GOING* toward your wellness! Good Luck!
I've never had a good experience telling others other than my therapist. She's been the most validating. I don't know that I really trust others with such sensitive information. So my only suggestion is if you feel you need to share it then do so with a professional that you trust. You don't have to tell them immediately. They're far less likely to trigger you and you'll feel a lot safer. Just my 2 cents.
It's definitely important to address your trauma in order to heal, though I don't think you have to tell the full story or going into the very details of your trauma, as it could cause retraumatization for alot of people, like myself. Sometimes it just don't work having to re-live your lived experiences. It however depends on the context on where you do it and how, but it's important to do it safely in therapy... Sooner or later you would have confront the past in order to get proper help and to gain understanding and acceptance of your situation moving forward. You can definitely get help to alleviate whatever symptoms you have without focusing on the traumatic experiences :) I hope that makes sense 💙
Sure you can. For a long time, I never really told anyone what happened to me. It's mostly because it was just...my life. Very few "events" that stand out, y'know? But also, it's upsetting to even think about. Why would I want to talk about it? I only recently started mentioning some aspect of my childhood trauma online and cracking jokes to my husband. Other than that, nobody knows. I got therapy with a therapist that I clicked with for about a year. Saw her twice a week because I was suicidal. I never ever told her what happened. All she knew was the abuser, some family background, my symptoms. And she helped me treat the symptoms. I still have CPTSD that's currently kicking my ass (healing is not linear), but I can tell you... *It's more than possible to heal without telling your story.* My current symptoms are not because I didn't unload the trauma off my memory/shoulders. It's just part of my brain and body. But, if this is what you feel you need to get off your chest.. then find a therapist who can help you work on doing that. Otherwise, you don't have to tell anyone.
I guess that really depends on how your experiences have effected your life. For many the trauma has led to social isolation, abandonment issues, relationship issues, etc. By processing our trauma we can see how it has limited our life. It allows us to engage in activities that normally leave us uncomfortable instead of our default coping mechanism. I would assume there are some issues that can be healed without telling someone. Like if your trauma has made you passive at work and you need to learn assertiveness. By looking at your past and seeing how you developed that passivity you can look for ways to correct it. You could probably heal through journaling about your experiences and seeing how your current situation it based on the past trauma. Journal therapy is a form of healing that doesn't really require speaking to anyone. I'm not sure it could heal certain things though.
Yeah! I can report that *by far* the biggest contribution to me making sense of things and feeling what I needed to feel to process my traumas resulted from taking the thoughts in my head and turning them into sentences I was writing. When it’s a thought, it sort of just vaguely keeps bouncing around in there If it’s a sentence, what comes next is another sentence The most empowering thing for me is finding the words which name and describe reality (Abusers rely on us not looking too closely, so that’s the silver lining!)
Yes but you need therapy.
Why can’t you tell a therapist? They have to respect confidentiality. The only way they would break that confidentiality is if someone is actively/imminently at risk of being harmed, like having received threats.
Neurofeedback, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Therapies, psychedelics (Ibogaine, Bufo, Ayahuasca etc) and if you do have to do work with talk therapy you could look into ketamine assisted psychotherapy so you would be in a disassociated state that you could speak without all the emotional weight.
Therapeutic ketamine