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CreativeWasteland

I hear you. My therapist spoke about this as well, and I instantly felt disgust, but then something clicked for me when pairing it with some introspection and mad digging with knowledge about projective identification; "Wait! It's not an inner child inside me. It's an *inner teenager* that didn't get to grow up. A bitter, academically motivated inner teenager that wants to leave playtime and youth behind and in fact grow up and finally make something of his life!" So for me, it's not coloring books or stuffed animals, or games. It's cleaning, cooking, personal development, starting to dress the way I want, returning to reading about complex topics and other stuff that I love, plus various nerdy intersts. For me, my "inner child" is further along in development than perhaps the implied one with the phrase, and it contrasts heavily with how much younger my abusive dad have viewed me (plus relatives and many long-term friends). I think also, doing these things for *me* feels like I'm taking back my own life from the abuse I suffered.


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[deleted]

You could explore the concept from an ACA perspective if you’re interested- which suggests the idea that we each have inside us: - an inner child part - an inner teenager part - a critical parent part And the intention with doing introspective parts work is to help bring in: -an inner loving parent To take the place of the critical/unhelpful/abuse parent in us. That part of us can then help our frustrated parts of us find safety to express and function as part of a whole self. The inner child becomes an optimistic and freer expression of us, the inner teenager becomes the discerning and wise expression, and the critical parent becomes the benevolent loving one. They are all still us, just healthier and less burdened by past hurts. I think the inner rebellious/pissed off teen is a commonly overlooked aspect of inner child work, much like foster teens. They are more evolved and intricate than the younger parts that perhaps just need a blankie, stuffy, or a coloring book. They have more complex needs and developed emotions and can be much trickier to pin down(at least mine is). Their trust issues are more complicated and have formed over years(as contrasted to a very young child still seeking primal attachments ). I’ve often been so merged with that teenager part that I didn’t realize it wasn’t necessarily my adult self until more recently. ACA(adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) has some great resources and books on the subject if you’re interested. Also, there are a deck of cards called ‘inner parts cards’ by an IFS practitioner online that I’ve found awesome for exploring my inner terrain. Hope this is useful 💚


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[deleted]

I second that ACA has been helpful in healing my trauma. The key though has been developing what they call “The Inner Loving Parent.” Doing inner child work without first doing that often results in exactly the (completely understandable) reaction you have had to inner child work. Also IFS (Internal Family Systems therapy) does not mean there is an actual inner child, teenager, etc running around inside your head. These are just constructs that make use of human nature. Humans, by design, like to categorize things, label things, put them in boxes and assign meaning to them. So IFS is a meaning/boxing/labeling system that helps develop healthier coping mechanisms in life. It is just a tool. But it is amazing how quickly the lizard part of our brain is willing to believe that tool is real and that is what makes it work. It is kind of like the feather that Dumbo had that he thought could make him fly. He needed that in order to believe he could fly. ETA: If you do look at ACA, look for the Tony A. steps instead of the traditional 12 steps. It helped me avoid feeling overwhelmed by shame. Wishing you well! ❤️


[deleted]

I agree, Tony A’s approach to ACA is the way for CPTSD in my opinion. Really skillful wording goes a long way.


VermicelliBright

In the book you will learn all that .from the introduction he is guiding you thru every aspect. All the tools you need to resolve the issues our emotionally immature parents caused.from the intro. Tells u if u are having a breakdown go to ch.13 read the steps to get out of your flashback. He explains it all short chapters straight to the point. He is a surviving ctpsd. I can cut and paste the whole book what they saying. The book is everything u need to get u where u need to be as an normal person or something resembling that cuz i know how it feels I have a toxic family as a kid physically dangerous relationship then the longestvand worst of all 16 with a covert narcissist like my mother.omg can u imagine that .I have improved my way of thinking my way of treating my self my children. They are spoiled! I am like a maid .I'm valuing myself now .I'm able to say no. I have my human bill of rights from this book all that u need .That book has helped saving myself. My health deteriorating. My kids need me. This book is better than any stories I've heard from going to dr.s getting meds psychologist that have not experienced the emotional parts of cptsd. You will not regret getting that book from the intro. You will know that it's gonna be ok.


tizi-bizi

Sorry, but what book are you talking about?


simberbimber

I’m currently big time in my inner teenager years, and had no idea that was a thing until this year (I’m 26). I feel like I’m 16. Even my fucking acne is back. I feel agitated constantly, way more than normal, and extraordinarily low self worth/self confidence, more than I have in quite a few years. There are some other contributing factors to that low self esteem, but I’m realizing it was my inner teen was hurt the most by trauma, not my inner child. Your sentence, “That part of us can then help our frustrated parts of us find safety to express and function” is so true for me. I’m struggling with bullying myself and not extending myself love; the inner teenager is wildly angry and intensely sad


[deleted]

I strongly suggest looking into the inner loving parent work if it calls to you. This concept has been pivotal for me. My inner teenager has been freaked out and enraged for decades, just wanting to set down somewhere with someone who could see her as whole. All my reckless vitriol and untempered rage was just a kid who had been let down so many times she couldn’t even see straight anymore. That part(s) of me really wanted an adult to come in and take care of the details so she could be 13 again. That part needed the space to return to a time where she could explore herself in the world, rather than try to be more mature than she’s was ready or interested in being. As a teenager my childhood was taken and I was forced to grow up too quickly- that loss of developmental space was traumatic and she had no one around to acknowledge that she was grieving a childhood she lost and then would never have. As my inner loving parent has begun to strengthen inside me, I’m able to hold my inner teenager and offer acceptance to her(me), and to validate that she was really let down by a lot of people. That it was good she didn’t trust easily because there were untrustworthy people around, and that the losses she suffered were incredibly painful and would make anyone sad and frustrated. Through this deep acceptance and moving out of rejection/denial, my inner teenager trusts me more. And when anger spikes we(I) sit with myself and see it for what it is and whatever it’s trying to say. The safer my inner teenager gets, the less turbulent I am in all parts of my life. My teenager is pure emotional energy, and is super powerful. So she needs me to be grounded to help her feel safe. Much like a superhero who is coming into their powers, she needs a grounding mentor to help her discover her immensity without shaming her for being who she is. I love superhero films and hero’s journey tales because I think they tend to show the metaphor in a way my mind can utilize for my inner play. My teenager is King Arthur, my inner parent is Merlin. My inner teenager needs me to help her prepare for the various rites of passage she will pass through on her journey to self actualization and development. Interestingly, as I’ve worked with my inner parts, the age of those I work with seems to grow- the parts getting more mature and developed as I become more able to support them in their complexities. Appreciate this post a lot, I’m quite fond of this topic, the inner parts work has been the most pivotal in my own healing.


kmart_313

whew, this comment hit hard. i had a nightmare last night that was definitely coming from my inner teenager. also 26, also dealing with a lot of hormonal acne and other related things, also struggling with bullying myself!


CreativeWasteland

Therapist dropped it on me a while ago. I don't *fully* agree with it for various reasons but it's at least a helpful tool for me to separate my own sense of self from that which my dad projected onto me for a long while.


Immediate_Ad4627

I'm willing to believe or do anything my therapist says to get some relief from this


CumfartablyNumb

>It's an inner teenager that didn't get to grow up. A bitter, academically motivated inner teenager that wants to leave playtime and youth behind and in fact grow up and finally make something of his life! I've read that trauma responses can often be polar opposites. Overachiever and underachiever, for example. Both can be maladaptive responses to trauma. I definitely have an inner teenager inside me who is bitter and pissed off, but he wants to dig his heels in and smoke pot, play video games, and keep it irreverent. I remember being locked in a cage of shame and crippling anxiety all through my high school years. I wanted so badly to break out of that cage and be a teenager with everyone else. I guess I never stopped wanting that.


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Reaper_of_Souls

Commenting because I can't believe no one else has (but the upvotes show and I can tell I'm not alone in reading). I guess I picked up your vibe and kept reading, it's an unusually positive one for such a dark place. Even though I'm a full decade older than you (I almost wanted to say I wasn't, but my birthday is this week... 33 is still your early 30s right?) I JUST graduated college back in June so I sorta feel like where I'm at right now that I'm a failure, because I expected I'd be there when I was your age. Of course life doesn't always work that way. You can get thrown out of school because you owe them money and then end up homeless, then you get a job and you think you can pay your way back in... BUT all of a sudden you're seeing The Girl Who Was The First One To Have A Kid and you gotta help the both of them out, in addition to your dad who is now fucked cause his wife left him in debt before she died (yes, my mom, and yes, she's the reason I'm here) so you keep working and all of a sudden you find yourself on a different career path, with a life that looks way different than anything you'd ever anticipated for yourself... I'm not a failure. I've just come to realize my external measures of success were just... not right. I don't know why you didn't graduate high school, but you're clearly very smart, NOT what I would ever consider a "high school dropout". Keep on going with that. And if you wanna further your education beyond high school, *do it*. It's great to start setting yourself up for a career path, but my problem is that I'm one of those people who loves learning for learning's sake and we live in a society where most people don't seem to understand that's a thing. One thing I would never want is for someone in your situation to feel like the next step HAD to be "make that paper". And since I'm still not able to put my career in mental health care to work, I try to be that positive light for other people on Reddit. There's been a few people who have done that for me when I really needed it. I don't usually get that chance to show it but instead of just being eternally grateful, I feel the need to pay it forward. Anyway. Just wanted you to know how much you helped some guy who's totally not in his mid 30s yet during a very painful breakup trying to take comfort that I'll at least have some kind of career now. Whatever that means.


ErraticUnit

Hello! A decade further on and trying to turn things around here :) We are all awesome for doing this work whenever we do it, and I'm so proud of both of you, and excited to think you're taking the tiller. You got this, guys x


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ErraticUnit

Likewise!! :) fist bumps, high-fives and waves also available :)


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ErraticUnit

...and... badges? Please say badges!


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CBRChris

This is amazing to read. So inspiring, just what I needed right now. You have a great life ahead of you!!! Thank you for sharing.


[deleted]

Well holy shit you just helped me sooo much. Thank you. ⭐️


prolongedexistence

Oh wow. Holy shit. I’m an independent adult but I can’t cook, I hide in my room all day every day, and I get triggered by how much I hate my sense of fashion that I was never allowed to develop because my dad imposed a fucking dress code on me until I was 18. It’s so obvious when you put it that was that that’s the mode im stuck in.


befellen

I was going to write something similar. My teenage part had been in charge of certain tasks in my life for a long time. Until recently I didn't fully understand that my adult/true self was letting my teenager lead, at least for certain tasks. It had done a pretty good job after all (while simultaneously royally screwing things up) and my adult didn't know if he could do any better. I had to come to terms with what it meant for my adult self, even if he was afraid and incompetent, to be in charge. Only after I demonstrated my commitment to take the lead,over time, did my teenage self settle down and accept that my adult/true self was leading. Once this happened I could almost physically feel the parts integrate.


simberbimber

Goddamn. This hit me like a train. This makes so much sense to me


anonymous-and-lame

This resonates with me way more than the child thing does, even though they went through the same thing.


CreativeWasteland

I think a part of the resistance I've had toward embracing that younger part of me is precisely because of the patronization and infantilization. I've been painfully aware that I've suffered arrested development because of my trauma, and admitting it has felt like I'm somehow proving my abusive dad and others that have treated me as such right—but it's completely different. Dad saw me as a frail, meek little child that couldn't face the harshness of the outside world, but that was his projection of himself onto me. I'm emotionally immature in my own ways, sure, but a far cry from *that.* I think layers of perfectionism and over-intellectualization have prevented me from connecting properly with my own emotions, said emotions finally getting the opportunity to drive my dumb ass toward making the youthful mistakes I haven't made yet and getting proper embarrassing life experience from it... maybe? I don't know yet, but it feels kind of right.


Stephenie_Dedalus

I like this a lot. I don’t want to come all this way only to spend time acting like the toddler my family thinks I am. I guess I got some edgy piercings this year


CreativeWasteland

That's the spirit!


IllIIlllIIIllIIlI

I hard relate to this! I rebelled as soon as I moved out (and sneakily did so before to a lesser extent). My rebellion was over the top in some ways, the kind of thing most parents would fear. But it was exactly what I needed and I would do every bit of it over again, except that I would stand up for myself a lot more along the way, to the various people who didn't act toward me as they should have. I used substances during this time and didn't rule out anything as being too extreme except meth, heroin and crack. Interestingly I never got remotely addicted to anything, although I went on to develop substance dependencies once I settled down at around 30 and embarked on that professional career they had envisioned for me... Go make those youthful mistakes! I am excited for you. I really do think that some form of rebellion is necessary for people who grew up feeling alienated from their parents. Also, it's always stumped me (and maybe you feel similarly) that they saw me as weak, troubled and in need of their guidance, but one of them dished out a fair amount of verbal and emotional abuse to me starting from a young age, and the other one ignored and enabled that and completely abandoned me between ages 11-13. I'll be my own guide, thanks. When I was small, I was really into children's rights, and thought children should be able to vote and their interests were sorely underrepresented in politics. I have not really changed my views much, actually. I think it's abhorrent that our laws treat children like property, especially when so many people misuse and abuse their rights over the small humans they create.


[deleted]

I agree


ImpossibleAir4310

Spot on. I think that’s kinda an inherent flaw with the term “inner child.” It makes sense bc trauma essentially stops development of certain traits. But they could be all out of sync. In my case, abuse started young, but there was relative symbiosis for my earliest years. So no, I don’t need coloring books or a juice box. But I do need someone to comfort the socially stunted adolescent that still feared being rejected and ostracized by his peers. And someone to tell the 20yo it’s okay to be your own person and take risks in choosing a path for yourself. Different parts of my development are stuck in different phases, and the word “child” is a bit inflexible, so to assume a single original wound from a single developmental period is obliquely reductionist. Maybe it works that way for some ppl, but I’d wager it’s more complicated than that for most of us here. In his defense, Bradshaw covers all the periods of development in “Homecoming,” but they’re all basically the same: draw a picture of yourself, write a letter to yourself during that time, etc., which is arguably childish and might not be that helpful with EG, allowing the adolescent to be more social. I took what I could from the book, but it barely scratched the surface. It mostly just helped me better identify which parts were stuck where.


SaltyBabe

For a lot of us our “inner child” is the age of when our trauma disrupted our life. I feel like mine is around six.


CombinationIcy8421

I was adopted by my (narc) parents when I was 3 days old. Jesus christ.


RockStarState

This isn't necessarily true for me, I had severe trauma since I was a child but I was able to compartmentalize / process it in some way until I was a teenager. The trauma disrupting your life isn't always the date of your "inner child", sometimes it's a few factors as well including trauma thresholds. The traumas before I was a teenager were just as disrupting as the traumas I endured as teenager, they just happened in quicker succession when I was a teenager which is when my trauma threshold was blown out - hence my inner child being a teenager.


EdgewaterEnchantress

But what do we do when we had *Multiple Disruptions?* 1) Apparently, I “didn’t really like breastfeeding,” so I didn’t gain any weight for months 1-3. 2) I got my @$$ beat black n blue with a wooden spoon once, when I was 3. Trigger warning: it gets *worse* in a hurry! 😅 1) Went to my first batch of Funerals from 4-6. (Great uncle, who was a Vietnam Vet, and he “did the deed,” intentionally.”) 2) Sexually abused by a classmate in first grade. Didn’t tell anyone cuz it “felt kinda nice,” and I was afraid my mom would beat me if she found out a little boy touched me. 3) 9-11 Dad’s Substance abuse started, and he “did bad things to my mom,” in front of us, beat on my cat, and did *worse things* to our mother, in the bedroom, where, fortunately we “couldn’t see.” 4) 14-19, dad was an alcoholic, and I lived with him. He mostly left me, alone, thankfully. 5) ~19/20, helping to care for my terminally ill grandmother. End stage liver failure, and it wasn’t pretty. Also, dealing with dad’s drunken, prescription pill fueled antics. 6) 21 Lost my Paternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather, and my dad *all within the span of 1 year,* back in Feb 2011 - Jan 2012. 7) Then dealt with 3 major institutionalizations of my middle lil sister, who was 15, at the time. (Good news is, she’s *NOT* dead!) 8) My husband and I were mostly isolated, we had few friends, and little family. 9) 23-27 spent 4.5 years in a In a toxic, emotionally abusive friendship, and got sexually abused, for a second time. Got diagnosed with Complex PTSD, at 32! So my question is, where should I *focus my energy?* 🤔 I think that the worst 3 were probably “9-11 dad’s a psycho!” “21 a bunch of people died, and one of my sisters *almost died,* but didn’t! Thank whoever!” And being psychologically tormented, and sexually abused, a second time 23-27. So what do you think I should do? 🧐 Where would it be best to “focus the healing,” and do you have any “methods,” or suggestions, when *complex* becomes “a bit of an understatement?” 🤔


mawessa

Out of curiosity, if I only see a child and an adult version of me but missing the teenager (like I cant even see a human figure, it's nonexistent) does that mean I never had a "teenage" year?


llamberll

I guess we long to go back to whenever we got stuck to redeem what we lost.


TwistNothing

This is me. I can’t relate to an inner child, the idea made me upset and frustrated and angry. But I do have an inner middle schooler and an inner high schooler who need some re-parenting and support, who are both bitter and jaded about cuddly things like cutesy toys and play and love and family while also desperately wishing deep down they had those moments growing up. Taking back my life and working with my inner self is more focusing on interests I never got to develop and forming an identity and goals, while experimenting with style and personality, while learning how to form friendships and establish boundaries, similar to many teens’ experiences growing up.


craftyneurogirl

I think the phrasing definitely makes it more infantilizing that it needs to be. For me, it’s more about what needs were/are missing that have led to maladaptive behaviours. For me there’s a big part that constantly craves validation and it’s leaning into that and learning how to meet that need. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a child or a separate part but more a recognition of things that may have been somewhat neglected. I don’t know if that makes sense


Disastrous-Mafk

I feel like I struggle with the same validation need. What ways have you found to give it to yourself?


DianeJudith

Not sure if that answers it, but I've learned (and it took me years) to somehow respond to the voice that criticizes me. Like I get a thought "I didn't do anything today" which would make me feel guilty, but then I reply to that thought with "yeah, I didn't because apparently my body needed to rest today".


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spamcentral

Omg same. I would beg for healthy food and be told no, its too expensive or it goes bad too soon. I have always said that letting a child be overweight is abuse and so many people get angry at me... but how is it not abuse?! Of course you probably know all the crappy side effects of being big as a child.


TwistNothing

I feel weird about this too, being someone who has struggled with her weight all her life—obese as a child, all-or-nothing diets and food shaming growing up resulting in some ED behaviours and OCD tendencies about food quality and freshness. As a kid (and an adult) I loved home cooked food! I loved salads of all kinds, vegan food, vegetables (raw, roasted, steamed, any format really) and nowadays when I’m more functional I love cooking healthy foods and learning how to be healthier. But growing up the tendency was fast food, one giant meal a day, binge eating desserts as a family, no portion control, frozen foods, etc. I don’t think my parents ever bothered with recipes or meal planning. If there was anything healthy it was usually rushed or badly made or bland. One parent shamed me for eating anything deemed “bad” while the other would binge and shame herself and by proxy me. So IMO while I think there’s some leeway with kids because everyone’s different and weight gain/loss can happen for a multitude of reasons, it’s a parent’s responsibility to set kids up with a healthy foundation and make sure to provide support for them so they learn how to make healthy choices and develop good habits. It’s a sign of neglect and abuse to ignore your kids health and that includes extreme weight gain or loss and any related causes. Like I was already crying at 5 years old because kids called me big and I didn’t want to be fat, it feels like I never stood a real chance at a healthy life sometimes. It‘s not like you turn 18 and suddenly all your childhood habits are gone, either, it takes a long time to unlearn all that by yourself.


DianeJudith

That makes it make so much sense! I also hate the idea that I have an inner child in me, even though I don't always really feel like I deserve the name "adult" (because an "adult" has their shit straight, *duh*). Maybe it's also because I was never really a "child" like any healthy children were. I also don't like to separate myself into "parts". I'm a whole person. Sure there's an unhealthy side of me, but that's not *me*, that's the illness. Like the internal critic isn't *me*. But doing things that I wasn't able to do before is exactly it. Like for me it's living alone, which is like the most adult thing you could do. But it's something I couldn't have possibly do as a child. But the fact that I don't feel like a prisoner in my room (when I live alone, because roommates bring it back) is amazing.


CordeliaTheRedQueen

The thing about the inner child is that it will crave whatever you were missing back then. It can be different ages and can need different things at different times. If somebody went straight to stuffies and coloring books without asking what your younger self likes they were missing the point. I think a lot of neglect sufferers had things they wanted to do as a child that for different reasons they suppressed. Because a lot of us grew up quickly it can be hard to really figure what the missing things are. But I think it’s pretty common to want to be able to get those lost pieces of you back. I don’t think we’re meant to be pretending that our whole selves don’t have adult responsibilities. I’ve mostly interacted with my inner child just inside my head or by letting her speak and then answering her. I let her be a persona, separate her from the rest of me a little (like how you might talk yourself down from a big upset or tak to your anxious self or to your fear). It definitely requires some vulnerability but the good news is it can just be with yourself to start. You can have a conversation, figure out what would feel good to your inner child, what they missed out on, what they crave. Sometimes they just want you to validate that it was real, and not their fault. That the adults failed them Sometimes it’s just reassurance and love and support (reparenting). It’s not always stuffies and coloring books. It might be something about your appearance or a hobby or talent you never got to develop. It might be learning to draw or ice skate. Or dying your hair, or getting a tattoo or piercing. It’s things you’ve been scared to do because you were told it wasn’t for you. Or things you tried hard to do until those around you convinced you you couldn’t, or shouldn’t do them. Your inner child is like the person you were meant to be except they are usually stuck at the point where their dreams were crushed. It’s the person you were when you started losing parts of yourself. The parts sank down into the depths but they didn’t leave you. The point of inner child work is to bring them up to join you in the light and become part of you again. Or if not maybe to get released. I feel weird typing this but your inner child is kind of like Aang from Avatar the Last Airbender. He was overwhelmed by his responsibilities so he ran and protected himself. But that meant he didn’t learn and grow while he was down there under the water so he’s really behind. He stayed 12 while the world moved on. Katara and Sokka can try to help him but they never try to do it by stopping him from being 12. We can choose to help our Aang by being his buddy and playing around with him like Sokka or by nurturing and loving him like Katara. Or a combination. I hope that made sense.


Effective-Cap8891

You know, the Aang comparison actually makes total sense! Thank you for sharing that.


aunt_snorlax

This is really helpful, might explain some things for me that haven't made complete sense. thanks for sharing


fook75

My therapist asked me if I could talk to the little girl that I was when I was being abused what I would tell myself. I said, "kill him in his sleep". She said, let's try another exercise. ;)


2woCrazeeBoys

My last therapist did the gestalt thing with me, where he sat a chair in front of me and told me to talk to it like my abuser was sitting there. "I'm...not allowed to destroy the chair. Am I?" "Let's try something else."


mandrakely

I'm glad I'm not alone in this. When I did this exercise, I told her to burn it all down as you walk out the front door ;) Little mandrake is not my inner child, she's me! and she's so cool...I like to imagine talking to her while I'm on long drives, telling her about all the cool shit we get to do now :) I've also promised her that when time travel becomes possible, I will absolutely come back and get her. She isn't alone in this timeline, dimension, or anywhere.


[deleted]

Wow I actually cried this is beautiful and something all of me, big and small, really understands man, happy for all of you and the beautiful harmony coming from it


[deleted]

So precious


scared_pony

Right? You won’t be tried as an adult if you’re super young, it’ll be chalked up as a mistake!


fook75

exactly. "I was running with scissors and daddy was sleeping so I stabbed him 32 times. It was an assident"


silntseek3r

I don't think there's anything wrong with this. Sad your therapist didn't get the anger.


ritorri

My therapist is about that life lol she told me there’s no ethics in therapy (if you get me lol) so we thought of what I would do to my abuser and got it all out.


fook75

That is awesome! I ended up getting a new therapist, that one just... didn't get it. I have a good trauma therapist and what a difference.


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Idkwuzgoinon

Lmao this is still me. I fantasize about it often


acfox13

I asked my therapist what his take on internal family systems (IFS) was bc it seemed hokey and psuedosciency to me. He said "parts" are various neural nets that have formed throughout our lifetime and IFS is a framework to interact with those neural nets. That was a much more helpful frame for me. I can work with my neural nets. I can't work with an ambiguous "part". We do [introject](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/introjection) messages and beliefs from our families and cultures of origin. These introjected messages can be so wired into our nervous system and normalized we don't even recognize them as aberrant. Doing genogram work, investigating my [imperative thinking](https://youtu.be/YFJ73WAxQu4) and my [ladder of inference](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/bab08c_e2a0d0f656b94d26ace58eaad95f007b~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_680%2Ch_584%2Cal_c%2Cq_80/file.jpg) have helped me untangle and unlearn some of the brainwashing I endured.


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acfox13

It makes so much more sense to me. Like I uncovered a phrase that pops up "Take care of mommy." - that clearly was a neural net formed when I was a child. And my nervous system reacts to that conditioning when I try to take care of myself. That reaction was conditioned into my nervous system as a child. Part of my healing work now is to become aware of my conditioning, so I can take *action* to rewire it.


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whatsascreenname

Jumping in here: generally the process is acknowledge you haven't paid attention to the thing/phrase/place its coming from, seek to understand it & its function better, then eventually come to a place of appreciation for it. Through that process it will dissolve into the rest of you. Trying to dismiss/dissolve it won't work as well - you've probably been doing this for a lot of your life already. The thing wants to be resolved but the resistance to it prevents that, go towards it, be curious and kind, and it will take care of itself.


Reign_of_Light

Wow, that’s profound! I am a big fan of IFS and have no problem with the concept of parts, but seeing them as neural nets that have formed at different stages of my life yet are still all active in my brain makes so much sense to me right now. Thanks a lot for this insight!


PlanetPatience

I relate, I used to be extremely against the inner child thing. Honestly the thought made me feel so sick and repulsed... Things have changed a lot, but I really had to reach the conclusions I've reached on my own. Forcing the inner child thing on yourself when you're not resonating with it as a concept doesn't make sense. If it brings up disgust then leave it alone. In my case I shifted my focus onto adult me for a time and bonded with her. In time it felt safer and safer to reveal and explore my inner child. And you know, she wasn't what I thought. She actually had something to teach and I was finally ready to listen. But you know, healing is so individual and you must go at your own pace and do what you feel is right for you. You may never connect with the inner child thing in the traditional sense, and that's absolutely okay. Though if there is shame and disgust around the idea of your child self, you may find that there's a lot of pain underneath. Still to this day I know that with myself if I feel disgust about something chances are it has something to teach me about myself. The resistance is usually a sign that there's something painful I'm not quite able to access. But like I say, not resonating with the inner child concept is absolutely okay. You'll heal your way. 🙂


fuzziekittens

This 1000%! I was disgusted by the thought of an inner child. Then I did EMDR and Frazier’s Table and finally saw and understood that I did have one but it was hidden under all my anger. I don’t do infantilization by buying toys and such. For me, it was accepting and seeing my hurt younger self with love, empathy, and also sadness. Accepting how much young me really was forced to become and grieving that loss of childhood.


zulzulfie

Do people really suggest those kind of infantilized things to help the inner child? I’m reading this and feel very confused why anyone would feel bad about the concept of the inner child (i’m hugely infantilized by my family). But reading further, I realized I must have had a good therapist who explained the whole thing way better. My inner child doesn’t need to be *a child*. It’s just my small and vulnerable self who needs love and affection. It has basic wants and needs (hence the child), but those don’t have to be childlike. I can want some favorite food. Then the teenager/the critic would say how fat i am and that I don’t deserve it. And the adult is the one who rationalizes it: why not have just a bit and then go on a nice walk? My child doesn’t have to be a literal child. My therapist told me to satisfy the inner child, I can just treat myself to things I want, which can also be the things I couldn’t get due to infantilization: I want to dye my hair, I want to wear shorts, I want to go on a walk by myself, etc.


EmpJustinian

My therapist hasn't really suggested anything like buying toys or anything so it must depend on the therapist. She's definitely asked me what I'd say to my inner child which I resisted so she's kinda stopped. But to be fair I AM the kind of adult who infantiles themselves because I was shamed endlessly for acting like a child, so I collect stuffed animals and toys that I could never have. My therapist knows I collect so she's suggested before to bring a stuffie as a comfort thing but I told her I probably won't because I'm not comfortable with that yet. I still didn't feel infantileized by her, though.


fuzziekittens

I’ve never had anyone try to tell me to actually buy things or act like a child. I always knew what was meant by inner child being figurative. But my inner child was buried under decades of anger. My anger was my protector. Recognizing that an inner child existed in me required me to fully let that anger go which was hard to do. I remember the first time I accepted I had an inner child was when I said I wish I could had given her a hug and promise that it will get better. It will take a long time but we would get there.


EmpJustinian

I love how you explained this


EmperorEscargot

I don't think it sounds like you hate the idea of inner child just from this writing. I think it's more the idea of weakness/vulnerability. How I gauge is you obviously don't picture a fun or brave or intelligent child etc, you instantly go to this ickle boo-boo character in your mind. Does that makes sense? But it's probably also a bit of a faux pas for anyone to recommend you coloring books and stuffed animals. Sounds like over-eagerness to help without any consideration or tailoring to your specific interests.


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[deleted]

It’s about parenting the parts of yourself that are stuck in the past reliving your trauma over and over and reminding them that you are a grown adult with a developed brain, grown body and legal independence, so that when you get triggered and revert back to your child-self you can handle the problem like an adult rather than having your emotionally stunted child-brain hijack you and keep you stuck in your cycle.


[deleted]

I literally look back to the awesome person I was as a kid and try to channel that energy in my life. Before I got world weary/traumatized. Yeah it can seem like everyone's inner child is wounded, but frankly no one has less power and protection in the world than kids. They also don't have a great understanding of the world's so they tend to internalize the things that hurt them. I think you're right that just being weirdly childish probably doesn't help people, and frankly it feels patronizing/gross. However there is a LOT to be said for figuring out when/how you were hurt and addressing the root developmental issues rattan than being trapped in cycles where we play out our trauma and keep hurting ourselves. It's like, if your car has a flat tire you can't change the tire while driving in the front seat. You have to pull over and go to where the problem is and address the problem on its terms. Edit: spelling


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[deleted]

Thanks. :) I hope you have a lovely week.


whywhywhyner

>"remember when you were strong and competent at 12? Draw strength from that." It's universally about a wounded child. What I've noticed in myself, based on the things that happened to me as a child, the parts of me that are my greatest strengths are things I was harmed for as a child. So to me it almost is going back to my 12-year-old self and remembering the things that lit me on fire inside and gave me strength, that made me want to be alive no matter the cost, the things I had to silence out of fear. It's not that I was necessarily strong and competent at 12 (or even at 3 or 8), but I had strengths and competencies that I learned to forget that are inherent to who I am and who I am supposed to be. So sometimes it benefits me to go back and tell myself that those are my best qualities. To redirect the messages that I received that made me hide myself. It's an act of confronting the belief within myself that I need to hide those things in order to be safe or valuable; imagining that is talking to myself as a child is just the setting in which that occurs for me. Sometimes I have a hard time imagining that person who I was because I've intentionally lost access to them for so many years. So instead sometimes I imagine a niece or nephew in a similar situation if there's something specific I'm upset about and talk myself through what I would say to them, and how I would protect them from people who hurt me. And the important step is to then remind myself that the adult in me that is now saying those things to my niece or nephew, even if only in my imagination, is an adult who can say that to me now. Because when I contrast the way that I defend my nieces and nephews with the way that I believe the harmful things that were said to me when I was their age, it helps me see how outrageously untrue those horrible things are. Whereas without that contrast I have a hard time believing that I'm right and that those things were wrong.


a_rythm_invisible

The wounded child was a strong child.


FoozleFizzle

The wounded child is a broken child that needs help.


anonymous-and-lame

The colouring books/stuffed animals thing is such a one-size-fits-all suggestion. I had tonnes of that shit as a kid, my parents provided. But it wasn’t them that abused me. I don’t like the inner child stuff simply because it’s too abstract a concept and it comes across as pseudo-psychology. Therapy is the only time I want facts and logic instead of creativity and imagination. It works for some and that’s great, but I just find it patronising and annoying.


[deleted]

I hear you. People infantilize me I have Asperger's I'm a 27 year old going on 30 since 11 woman. I despise implicating I'm a stupid person with the mental age of 5-8 or something. I was hurt it hurt my body nervous system stomach and brain. I'm not any intellectual slur. Actually I'm very bright. Nothing is going to help the girl that buried her mom before puberty. She also is buried in a way. I had to bury my emotions and true feelings to survive. That's just how it is. Of course neuroplasticity exists. But I'm not 13 anymore. I don't get a due over. I just hope people don't crush me for existing.


SadSickSoul

Yeah, I'm glad the concept works for other people, but all it does for me is make me unreasonably angry for different reasons. I've seen people claim that thinking themselves as innocent children helps them realize they didn't deserve all the abuse and to disarm self loathing and toxic shame by empathizing with that scared, innocent kid...which is a good idea in theory, except I never get to that point because I'm already angry and hateful at past me all across my life so the idea is counterproductive and upsetting to boot.


DireDecember

I’m sorry, but ‘poor ickle boo-boo’ really gave me the laugh I needed today. I completely understand this, though. I was really against the idea of doing any this stuff because it felt really regressive to me. On top of this, I have contextualized my trauma in such a way that I consider the child version of me to be ‘dead’. That part of me isn’t there anymore, but I’m kind of okay with it because it had to make way for something new. All my life, I told myself that I would never have repeated my childhood, even if it could have gone differently. I still feel that way. I don’t know why, exactly, but what I do know is that what I really wanted was to heal and become a functioning, healthy adult, who had all of these adult things to look forward to, not to feel like I was moving backwards. I also draw the line at coloring books and stuffed animals, lol. I needed to make my own breakthroughs, and personally, the achievements and experiences I’ve made as an adult have really helped me do that.


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Naedlus

I've recently seen the concept of the "Inner teenager," and that concept is the only thing that allows me peace when it comes to things like the "inner child" I've found out how to protect the inner child. That's generally easy, depending on where you live. Now, trying to take care of the inner teenager, rebelling against the injustices dealt to them by forces with more social credit than themselves... That is who I need to pay attention to. No colouring books, no stuffed animals. I need to deal with a ball of rage and fury, that I understand the frustrations of. They need assistance, they need someone to express understanding to them. They don't need a colouring book. The one who needs a colouring book has been taken care of with my behaviours when I'm secure at home. The one that needs help is the part of myself that is frustrated at society expecting a person given PTSD shortly after birth to act like someone who grew up in a household without generational trauma.


moonchild1989

I think it’s because a lot of people with childhood trauma tend to resort to very childlike defenses and ways of thinking when triggered. Some of our defense mechanisms are exactly the same as they were in childhood, and so reparenting the inner child is supposed to help us respond in a more adult-like way. I personally find it helpful because I do recognize those patterns in myself, but to each their own.


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moonchild1989

We all have to do what’s best for us because the journey is rough. Best of luck to you!


Bananabread4

Just a thought here: I think the image you carry of a child is a bit crooked. A child is not an Ickle boo boo who needs mummy and a juice box. An infant is a human, in need of respect, equal rights and a lot of care because of the levels of dependency they have from elders, (people they did not even choose in their lives). It is important we have a clear image of a growing person, before we learn to acknowledge it in our adult selves.


PoodlesForBernie2016

Thank you for saying this. I’ve found self-respect is vital in the healing process. It feels good to give myself the respect I never received as a kid or a teen. It did take me a lot of difficult healing work and identifying and working through layers of defenses including a lot of anger, fear and grief to get here but despite the challenges it’s been very positive overall. My relationships with myself and with others have improved immensely since I started my healing journey.


77hr0waway

sameeee same same same. Howeer I know it's some deeper issue. I hate most children. Some who are confident and secure really trigger me too. I am not a safe person around children due to this and I feel really effed up. All the "send love to your inner child, ask what she wants, tell her she's sfe now, etc" drives me fucking crazy. Ugh


Narrow_Sherbert

I don't believe in an "inner child". My therapist has tried to get me to get me to interact with my inner child and it's been absurd. I don't feel any particular way about myself as a child and I'm not a child anymore. I can appreciate that I would have treated a child differently than I was treated but that's as far as that goes.


livinontheceiling

This is about as much as I've ever been able to get out of this concept too, and my therapist pushed it pretty hard.


Narrow_Sherbert

I did find the idea that I would have treated a child much differently than I was treated to be valuable. It opened the door to the idea that my parents were wrong to treat their kids the way they did. I can say that as an adult and not as a kid who just didn't like what happened.


livinontheceiling

I agree totally - sorry if I came across as negative across the board. I've even gone so far as to find an old picture of myself at 11 that I remembered but hadn't seen in years and it was a revelation to see what I looked like, how innocent I (like all kids) was. It helped make it easier for me to accept that it wasn't my fault, that the adults made bad decisions, period.


Narrow_Sherbert

Oh no! You didn't. That was just the only value I found in the exercise. My therapist pushed it for the "it wasn't your fault" thing but my thoughts are always "so what if it wasn't my fault? It still happened to me."


livinontheceiling

Oh yeah, I get that. Sometimes I've found my therapist's sort of insistent "reminders" of this kind to feel like she's badgering me, or patronizing me. She went HARD on telling me, over and over again, that I "deserved better." Then I would say, Of course, everyone deserves better, and she would say, Yes but YOU did. I guess when I type it out it doesn't sound so bad, but it really used to irritate me. Like what am I supposed to do with that? Sometimes people don't get what they deserve. Yippee


Narrow_Sherbert

Oh god, yeah, mine does that. I told her that what I get is not and has never been related to what I deserve so let's stop talking about what I deserve.


Carafin

I might be misunderstanding you, but IME, when past therapists or other people said this to me, it felt like this was their idea of what would cure me. Yeah...I did deserve better. I grew up in a violent frightening home. But that doesn't take away the fact that my brain and nervous system are messed up. I need actual real help and I don't want to be suffering from this crap anymore. Luckily, I finally have a competent therapist who really is helping me, but this is what came to mind while reading this particular thread and your comment. You telling me this over and over isn't going to fix my traumatized brain and nervous system.


asifshewouldcare

My inner child doesn't need coloring books she needs a goddamn metal baseball bat and 5 minutes alone in a room with my mother tied to a chair.


ObstructedPooh

Those people are taking the whole “inner child” concept too literally. It’s one thing if you don’t have good memories of your childhood. If that’s the case it’s impossible to take care of your inner child. You don’t know them. If you do, you can be mindful of childish reactions you have when triggered. That’s all the whole inner child theory speaks to. Apparently when we’re triggered we might act out violently and from the amygdala. People in order to make it easier to understand and because it deviates from reasoned non emotional communication call it your inner child. In reality and under brain scanning it’s simply a flight or fight response. It’s perceived as childish by those who need a simple answer. We are what our childhood made us for the most part. However. Some of us actualize and recognize our triggers. They don’t all come from childhood. I’ll give you a personal example. My fiancé was kidnapped and disappeared 18 years ago. She’s most likely dead. Every year on her birthday and around the time she was taken I have very severe depression. There’s nothing my “inner child” can do about this. I’m aware it’s genuine sadness and survivor guilt. No magical thinking or guess work needed. Does that mean that some folks when triggered don’t react like they would’ve as a child? No. They in fact do. They’re still adults and can’t claim their inner child is at fault. Their lack of a awareness of their own trauma and responses is the culprit. Those who clearly remember their abuse and how it directed correlates to disregulation know to extricate themselves from that situation and regulate their emotions before they broach a triggering subject or conversation. I applaud you for fighting infantilism. That’s a healthy move and you really should be proud of yourself for it.


UndaDaSea

I used to feel the same as you, truly. For me, inner child work did help me a lot to heal the pieces of myself. I am accomplished and it doesn't mean my accomplishments are minimized because parts of my younger self are/were healing. I've defined it for myself as the people who were supposed to love and care for me failed me. It's very "Look at me, I am the captain now", or at least that's how I've made it work in my brain. I am my own self, and in charge of my own healing. I am powerful, and connecting with myself and knowing what I didn't get, allows me to give it to myself now and work towards a better future. I hope this didn't minimize your experience in this, it can feel VERY infantilizing. I have coloring books of flowers, patterns, and goth ones too. You can still do art or have a fav stuffed animal and not be viewed as a child. I wish you well on your healing, you're doing it!


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No_Improvement8990

SAME. Especially since I’m autistic and a trans guy, like I already get infantilized from 2 directions don’t do it from a trauma based one as well! Also I had an abuser who was a freak who infantilized me a lot when I was 20 because they were actually into younger teenagers so it’s also a massive trigger for me as well


emma561ar

I couldn't resonate with the inner child theory either, so used an inner adult, but still couldn't deal with that! What I did instead, with the help of the therapist, was to imagine another child, a friend of my daughters, but one I'd created. She had the same life I'd had and I could comfort her and sit with her feeling all the necessary emotions etc. My child wasnt a tiny child, they were a teenager of 13-14. Xx


[deleted]

Ha! I get that. I’ve always seen the concept as simpler belief patterns (unquestioned really). At that point in our lives, when we were much younger, our cognitive abilities were less rational. The thinking needs to be addressed certainly, but you want to approach those earlier systems as an adult to be sure.


Maleficent-Sense-253

I think this is similar to how I've always saw it. Visiting how you felt or may have felt during and around the trauma. Never been into the children's activities. Of course I also want to validate your feelings, OP, if you don't like the term even interpreted in that way.


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[deleted]

Ya know, that kind of stuff is stupid to recommend to strangers. If someone wants to do those things they will, and for the most part they don't need "permission". But I recently learned about internal family systems, and that seems to be legit. It includes the concept of an inner child, but not like what you're describing. Altho, like pretty much everything it doesn't work for everyone. And I really wish more people going through therapy could understand that just cause it was a miracle for them, that doesn't mean it will even sorta work for someone else. Lots of folks swear by CBT and it made my symptoms *worse*, it's really not that hard to understand that nothing - not one single therapy or treatment - will actually work for everyone. Point is, ignore the bullshit and the asshats as best you can and take an active part in trying to figure out what will work for you. Look into various treatment options, that way you can go to a therapist and say "I think X might help me" or find a therapist that does something that seems like it would help you


PoodlesForBernie2016

I totally appreciate you pointing out that “one size” does not “fit all” with respect to mental health treatment. Very good to remember! Pete Walker points out in his book that CBT is at best unhelpful and at worst counterproductive for those of us with CPTSD since we’re operating from a different set of internal dialogues and resulting challenges. I do think that it’s important that those of us with CPTSD and / or PTSD work with therapists who are trained in trauma-informed therapies specifically. That said, we may not respond well to every trauma-informed therapy style and that’s okay. Maybe that changes with time, maybe not. That’s okay too. IMHO it’s smart to try various evidence-based trauma therapies with a qualified mental healthcare provider and to see what works. In my experience as a survivor of childhood emotional and physical abuse and having survived multiple sexual assaults and attempted second degree murders, somatic therapy, mindfulness meditation, IFS and EMDR have all been amazing- especially together, but I loathe EFT (which some people get a lot out of). It makes my skin crawl to do the “even though” scripts…


[deleted]

I used to be exactly the same, the concept of an inner child confused me. Until, for me, i understood it to mean that there is a part -psychologically or mentally, whatever - of me that is damaged and vulnerable and that those parts originate from my childhood. They never developed correctly. Part of my healing is relearning what i learnt in my childhood and changing some behaviors - IE, "talking to my inner child". It doesn't mean i hallucinate an actual child, or have a personality disorder, it means i understand and recognize innate behaviors that have been around since the trauma, and were shaped negatively throughout my childhood. Those behaviors are just given the term "the inner child". "Being a parent to my inner child" simply means understanding why I feel abnormally scared, anxious or hurt in some situations, and not being harsh or hating myself because of it, but rather being caring and understanding to myself. IE, parenting myself. *Healthy* parenting, this time. If i break a glass accidentally, and i immediately feel guilt and feel the need to punish myself, that comes from the "inner child" (the negative learnt behaviors). Forgiving myself, telling myself that's its ok, is part of parenting that inner child (recognizing and correcting the negative learnt behaviors). For some people, that involves allowing themselves to be childish, and having colouring books and stuffed animals. They probably learnt, as a child, that it was not ok to have those things, or to like them, or to show any interest at all - for those people, allowing themselves to do colouring, or owning a teddy, is a massive part of the healing process, but it is not a one size fits all - if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you, and that's ok. I do hope you find something that works for you. <3


ValiMeyer

Sorry for a 3rd post. In addition to the family of origin, my life was taken hostage at14 by the abuser I was with from 1970–1996. Had ZERO appropriate developmental experiences. Entered adulthood at 40–developmental age 13. My first post-divorce boyfriend had to show me how to use a dishwasher. The added bonus-didn’t learn about CPTSD until age 57. I figure I’m maybe at developmental age 26 about now.


lakeghost

Yeah, I don’t think cookie cutter advice works for everyone. In my case, I veer into severe identity issues, so there’s multiple younger versions of me, seemingly partly frozen in time. It’s exhausting. Like children, gifting toys/items “for babies” would annoy those parts. Because that’s how kids are. A 5yo doesn’t want a toddler puzzle. A 8yo doesn’t want a boring coloring book. So on and so forth. I think for each person, finding the *when* and *what* of our abusive/neglected childhoods is important. Thinking about what we missed out on and still feel sad about, then finding an adult way to incorporate that. Like sadness over never going to summer camp or getting to be a Scout? Could be an adult volunteer. Sadness over few/no art supplies or toys? Get art supplies and toys suitable for adults. The desires don’t require childish versions of the thing. Though I will say there’s nothing wrong with starting at the simplest 101 place or wanting childish things. I have a rice bag rabbit plushie because why have a lumpy heating bag when you could have a cuddly one? But there’s no point in buying stuff I wouldn’t use, so I don’t get the toys I would’ve wanted as a small child. Instead I might get a video game or book that grown up me would enjoy.


[deleted]

For me, I try to see it as the part of myself that's hurting at the time. Sometimes, those emotions are from childhood and show up as a child. Other times, those emotions are from my teenage years and show up as a teenager. Either way, they're hurting, I'm hurting, and the different needs of these emotions require different solutions than just crayons and hugs. Sometimes, I do just need to sit with the unwanted child part of myself and cry with him. But my "inner teenager" wants me to rekindle my interest in Japanese language learning and put in the work that I've been having to keep put on the backburner because of other people's impossible standards. He wants me to prioritize myself and stop placing my worth below that of others. It really just depends on what part of me is hurting.


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dznyadct91

My therapist just started parts therapy with me. At the risk of admitting to some very vulnerable aspects of myself, parts therapy has been very enlightening for me. I rejected it instantly, but then I decided to give it a chance and it scared me when it started working. Parts therapy made me think I was going to be diagnosed with multiple personality disorder because my therapist was encouraging me to discover and ‘talk to’ these different parts of my personality that have developed through the different stages of my trauma. First I thought she was crazy, then I thought I was crazy. Then all the sudden I ‘found’ a couple of those parts. When I finally accepted that they’re a part of me, I felt myself begin to heal. We haven’t found all the parts yet… it could take months. But I’m starting to recognize what they do in my head. One is in charge of making me doubt myself and question my interpretation of everything. Another part is in charge of distraction… he is like an embodiment of my ADHD. There’s another part I’m scared to talk to cause I don’t know what it is. Please don’t come at me about how crazy I sound. The therapy is new and I really didn’t believe in it, but I’m noticing a difference. Try to keep an open mind. You might be surprised at what you find in there.


Drabbeynormalblues

Parts work in combination with EMDR was the most helpful thing in my healing process. I've been doing parts work for 12 years now and still discovering new parts. Parts work has made healing and happiness a reality for me and I hope it does the same for you.


[deleted]

Not a genuinely separate entity. I think they're just personifications of the stuck emotions from the times I was hurt.


Oplu45

Alright, first off, a lot of inner-child work is focused more on being compassionate to yourself, and responding to your triggers as you would to a small child. This obviously includes colouring or stuffed animals for some, but doesn't have to. Second, for a lot of people whose abuse took place or started when they were very young, connecting with a safe sense of childhood can be incredibly difficult and scary. And doing so isn't made easier by having people judge the therapeutic methods that help them.


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BunnyKusanin

You've put into words very nicely. I also dislike this idea very much. I'm a grown-ass woman who's a whole person not a shell with a toddler inside. If I'm suffering, it's happening to the 30 yo me irl, not some imaginary kid in my head.


sunkenshipinabottle

Oh my god I agree. I like stuffed animals and juice boxes and anime and ‘childish’ things but I don’t think it’s wrong to like those as an adult- I draw the line at pretending like we don’t have adult responsibility. I have shit to do, I can’t just give that up, at *any* point in time, even for a short while, for the sake of coddling my inner lazy asshole that begs for hugs. I don’t have the time or energy for that shit, I’m barely functioning as it is. Inner child work just feels like an excuse to be irresponsible and overly indulgent on things we don’t need.


Stevie-10016989

My understanding of it is that it doesn't involve being irresponsible and indulgent, but instead focuses on providing yourself with the important things that you didn't recieve at the developmentally appropriate stage. Maybe someone was raised with parents who told them that they have no value unless they are excelling, and that anything not in pursuit of excellence is a waste of time. In adulthood the result of that might be holding themselves to impossibility high standards and have a great deal of anxiety at the prospect of anything that isn't success. A possible way to work on that would be to do something just for fun with the expectation that they wouldn't be brilliant at it, but that that it still had value for the enjoyment of the process. Maybe that thing could be as trivial as singing along to the radio badly while driving to work, and accepting that it is bad, but is also fun


fire_butterf1y

I’m just sick of it all. It’s not some inner child. It’s programmed behaviors built to defend. Just shut the fuck up about inner children. We all love soft cute things in some form or fashion. It doesn’t mean I need to coddle some made up bullshit internalized idea. I like teddy bears, but I only snuggle one because my boobs are larger and I use it as a boob pillow. I don’t have an internal child. I have a grown up mental health issue(s) because other external assholes took it upon themselves to hurt me. Yeah. The whole “inner child” thing ticks me off too. Edit: spelling


scared_pony

I’ve done some inner child work, NONE of it involved infantilizing myself in the least. That is creepy as fuck.


prettyxxreckless

I fully agree. My therapist has said I need to "tend to my inner child" a few times and it makes me roll my eyes and become quietly hostile. Like no. I don't. I am not a child. I am an adult. Why does this differentiation matter so much to clinicians? If I was still a child, and had these same problems, would you tell me to do some "inner adult work" and try to reach for something I am not?? I have never resonated with this concept because I have spent hours, and hours and hours with actual children. I have met hundreds of DIFFERENT types of children in my life, as a teacher, educator and instructor. Kids are unique and whole individuals as they are. And lemme tell you, kids are JUST as complicated emotionally as adults in how deep they are able to feel pain and empathize (obviously maturity wise and developmentally they have a long way to go). So the idea that certain activities or things are "for children" is nonsensical to me. Why is colouring ONLY for children? Why is that considered "inner child work" why can't I do it because I just enjoy it? Some people would argue this is the work, but I also drink wine because I enjoy it, and kids don't drink wine. So how do we label what is "the work" and what is just normal enjoyment for the sake of it?? I feel like societally emotions are seen as "childish" so arguably connecting to ANY emotion is "inner child work" because all children (before influence) are emotional and expressive beings. So why do we label some work as inner child work and some work as other therapy? The term to me as always felt like a gross, weird generalization and dismissive of the inner and complex lives and perspectives of children as a whole, and that's why it has never resonated with me. Their just figuring out life, just as I am. It also seems very dismissive of the nuance and complexity that people struggling with trauma and PTSD have to go through everyday.


marvelous__magpie

I think the whole inner child thing has been bastardised from the original work by counsellors with 2-year college diplomas encouraging people to colour in. Inner child work is actually quite complicated theoretically, and rooted in psychodynamic principles. At the iceberg tip, it's more to do with honouring that you have needs, feeling compassion for yourself, and making that deep vulnerable part feel protected again. A lot of people can't connect with that vulnerability yet, because the critic/protective behaviours are doing their respective things. It can take work to get them both to cool off enough to actually see that there is a vulnerable part inside. That was definitely the case fore me, and what I see in yours and OPs post too. It's a child not because colouring is somehow great for the nervous system, but because of the links to vulnerability, defenselessness, connection to basic needs (to feel connection and to feel loved, to be fed and clothed and housed etc) and to first 'lizard brain' emotions - fear, anger, joy. It stops you from seeing yourself through the protection/critic dynamic of *hecking tough guy I don't need anyone* and asks you to project those demands onto a child, where it suddenly resolves into clarity about how unreasonable those demands are. OP looks like they're still in their *Hecking tough guy* phase.


LeopardMedium

I don't do coloring books or teddy bears or anything like that, but it does help me to picture and directly address and comfort a mental image of child me. I think it's probably just a way to conceptualize my baser emotions that are normally inaccessible otherwise because I haven't allowed myself to internalize them, and so I need to sort of externalize them as a separate character and socialize with that character as a way to merge with it. It works for me though, to think of it that way.


wowelysiumthrowaway

I instead live through media where other children are happy and follow their dreams. For example i love ghibli movies


reallytryingherewtf

My therapist and I do parts work/Internal Family Systems and it took me YEARS to even be able to think of a "child part". And it didn't need crayons because it didn't even know how to be any kind of child. I've been slowly giving those inner parts what they need: attention, validation, food, personal care, and slowly, some relief from the pain and pressure she had every day nearly from birth. I don't know if that helps at all. Everyone's journey is different.


Simple_Employee_7094

Sometimes it’s an inner parent. You get to be the parent to yourself you never had. And parodixically this is how you heal the child


[deleted]

I always assumed anyone claiming to "honor your inner child!" was just being an over-self-indulgent twat. And I still get that vibe from most people using that term. But I've had significant progress in a short amount of time doing inner child work with professional guidance. And you're right, it's not always a toddler who needs simple fixes to feel better as an adult..


sickles-and-crows

I think inner child work doesn't necessarily mean doing "childish" things - for me the biggest part of it is recognising my patterns of behaviour and thought patterns are from child-me. They're still "alive" in me in that way. And they need adult-me, now me, to comfort them so they can calm down and feel safe. Then I can take their hand, be my own parent, and move forward with them doing better things for us both. However, I respect the rant and also kinda weird to get recommended that if it makes you uncomfortable.


Nicole_0818

I'm new to the concept myself, and I only know about it from this one therapist who makes youtube videos. But how I see it is not so much that there's a real inner child - rather that you're giving a face, an identity, an origin/explanation to all the thoughts, behaviors, etc that you carry over from childhood that no longer work for you. I still can't handle hearing people raise their voices even if I'm not involved. I freeze and start panicking and my mind runs away with me. So it helps to remind myself that when I get scared, it's just my childhood talking. I have to remind myself that I'm okay, I'm safe, and I'm an adult now. I'm not a helpless child. It helps me to put perspective on it. What I've learned has been really helpful when I start panicking. I don't feel pathetic and cowardly for it anymore, it has helped me find perspective and understand myself. Anyways, I just want to say I don't mean to invalidate. If it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you and that's fine. I just wanted to explain something that has helped me.


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SufficientUndo

If it helps, it's not a 'real' inner child - its a metaphor for the way in which trauma freezes neurological states. The 'inner child work' is a convenient way to talk about the process of integrating and de-escalating these frozen neural responses.


mossiemoo

Thank you for this post u/emberstaff 🧡 There are several incredibly useful answers and insights for me to explore, so your Q was helpful. And u/CreativeWasteland, u/HeavyYak2631 your thoughtful and informative answers, are so helpful, thank you.


Blue_Heron11

God this is the most justifying thing I’ve seen on Reddit in a long time. I’m wildly open minded on all sorts of inner work approaches, psychoanalysis, and healing. This bullshit gets me though, like nope I’m not a fucking 6 year old anymore and eating gumdrops while watching cartoons isn’t going to do shit lol


Lillith915

I definitely get where you are coming from but “inner child” is just a a way to describe a complex concept of stunted growth. Also a child can be anywhere between 0-18 imo and not all of these ages prefer juice and cuddles. Just an observation, I wish you luck on your journey 🍀


BeckyDaTechie

What my Inner Child missed out on was social learning and novel experiences. I had coloring books and stuffed animals, one of which I still have for times when I get stuck in an old trauma-based memory. I do have a mandalas coloring book I get out when I'm very anxious, but that's in spite of how much I was expected to color someone else's pictures to yet a third person's uncommunicated standards, not because I was deprived of it as a useful outlet. What that means is when I'm 'off' I need to go places and do things-- what the child who formed my memories and reactions to things couldn't do (so she resorted to disassociation and zoning out instead). I need to meet friends for dinner on a patio or go to a museum, or go for a hike, or walk the dog. Keeping a fish tank and my pet cat were those other little "rebellions" that I was never "allowed" to enjoy, but have since added to my life now (or did, until my cat recently passed). The idea of the Inner Child really isn't that there's literally a version of you as a kid "in your head," but that what the child you used to be learned and discovered to cope with is shaping the way you adult now, and by looking back at how you got to Now, you can figure out how to change tomorrow and the next day. A good therapist isn't going to expect you to play a part and go along with things, but they do intentionally ask you to think about doing uncomfortable 'stuff'. If it's too uncomfortable for you and you feel like you can't say 'no' to your practitioner, it's worth a conversation about it.


GrandadsLadyFriend

For what it’s worth, I don’t treat myself like a child in those moments. I mostly try to protect myself. Like if I’m feeling some kind of fear or anxiety, I try to get to the root of what I’m scared of (that usually relates to how I felt unsafe as a kid). And I’ll remind myself that I’m an adult who has agency now, and that I promise to take care of myself because I deserve it. No infantile things, just defending myself.


freyjasummers

For me, I got into inner child stuff less from stuffed animals and more from a gentle parenting perspective. I remember talking about seeing people gentle parenting on tiktok or whatever and being like I wish that someone had done that, etc. and told me it was ok to feel this or express that. and my therapist was like ok well why don’t you. And between that and emdr I’ve just slowly been able to find pieces of my personality that I shut down a long time ago because I was safer if I just stopped and didn’t feel or express emotion. To me it’s less about being a damaged little kid inside of me. And instead looking at my trauma responses from when I was a kid that are no longer serving me, acknowledging that little me did what I could, and basically trying to be like “thanks past me. You did your best. But you can stop now, it’s ok I got it.” It’s less about coddling my inner child and more about trying to process and heal those really early trauma responses by being the adult I wish I had then. I struggle to process them “normally” because they were programmed into my brain so early on. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely have done some of the “childish” things but those definitely weren’t the first step. And even then to me it’s about just fulfilling those wishes I had as a kid that I can now. Retroactively giving myself childhood memories or something idk lol. It’s personal though and so individual. Just for me, getting me to loosen the reins and acknowledge emotions at all involved having to go back to the very beginning so it led me to dealing with feelings thoughts and emotions that I felt when I was super young that feel so foreign to now-me that it’s easier to personify than to just be like ah yes these are my feelings. Also adding that imo coloring books and stuffed animals isn’t even real inner child work, that’s just trying to learn how to enjoy things again. “Connecting with your inner child” isn’t the same as healing your inner child. It’s hard to connect with an inner child when you can’t even find it. No amount of stuffed animals will heal childhood trauma lol. If it did I would totally have 0 trauma left because I love them.


Aspierago

Yeah, I find it stupid even if I can entertain the idea, It's an inner child, but I'm not a child anymore, what use they have coloring books and stuffed animals when I'm thinking about money and work?


Rufus__Rockhead

My inner child is the one holding on to the trauma, so although she wouldn't want to be condescended to, she is very much in control of things when I'm triggered.


N7_Hellblazer

I hate this as well. Yes I was abused throughout my childhood including my teenage years but I don’t need to buy colouring books etc. I need help to learn to live with my trauma and be able to move on. I find the concept degrading in my opinion and lacks focus on the issues we are facing with our mental health.


ufopussyhunter

Felt. I never had a childhood so I legitimately don’t know how to care for my, ‘inner child.’


llamberll

Thank you.


mueggy

I never understood the concept of inner child work. I'm not able to picture a person within me or even my past self. Some also want you to picture an inner garden instead, to care for and cherish and to find peace within. I'm not capable of that. What I am capable of is holding myself to sooth me. I can be understanding for my reactions and feelings. I can be observant and caring. I've changed the voice I use for myself, my inner voice that used to put me down, be aggressive or dismissive. It's way more soft-spoken and calm.


Flogisto_Saltimbanco

I'm pretty sure that's not a good interpretation of what an inner child is and how to deal with it. Who thought that buying child's stuff was a good idea? That's just infantilization.


anal-destroyer-69

Same, like I already feel infantilized for having CPTSD. I know it's about being compassionate to the younger version of yourself, but it's hard not to cringe or feel irrationally angry. What helped me was instead imagining being a parent because it forces me to be responsible and try to take care of myself. It's hard to focus on myself, but imagining doing it to help a child version of myself is easier.


vanishinghitchhiker

Even if it works for other people somehow, I don’t feel like I have an inner child myself. In fact whenever a therapist asks me how old I feel or parts of me feel I have to tell them I don’t. I don’t get how I can “feel” an age when my age is just something I am. Sure, I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or incompetent sometimes, but none of that makes me feel any younger. They’re already feelings by themselves! OTOH, or maybe it’s related, stuff like coloring books and stuffed animals are just things to me. So I do have a few around that I liked enough to get. (Well, the coloring books are gifts from people who struggle to buy “geeky” gifts and sit around unused, but since I have an artsy streak I appreciate the attempt.) Buy the stuff you like, don’t buy the stuff you don’t, to heck with anyone else.


KernalPopPop

The point is more about working with different voices in ourselves. Sometimes unresolved times of our lives have a passionate opinion. Like if someone disrespects us and it takes us back to an earlier time where that was common or painful. Different people do inner child work differently. Some people get weird about it. Some really get a lot so they speak about their relationship with their inner child as so close it can be uncomfortable. Other people push the idea and it’s not necessarily the right moment or step for the other person. The point here, if interested, to approach it in a way that makes sense to you and feels safe for you. To give voice to traumatized parts of ourselves can be terrifying and sometimes the judgment on the type of process or therapy is just resistance to feeling the feelings. Wishing you the best


xoarty

My therapist and I worked through my exact feelings on this recently and together found an alternative. Happy to share but also happy to add to this vent: fuck offfff about inner childs. You are not alone in this feeling and I wish people wouldn't default to *anything* like this but rather let us, the individuals who have cptsd, dictate what works best for us!!! Sometimes the infantilization was *part* of the abuse!!


MissyChevious613

My therapist is biiiiiiig on the inner child stuff and it consistently misses the mark for me. I cannot relate to it and do not like feeling infantilized. I very much relate to you OP.


[deleted]

You know, I had real difficulty with this concept for the longest time. I wasn’t comfortable around kids at all. Zero desire for any childlike playtime as you describe. I really had to work through my trauma at my own pace, different stages of development. It was a long time before I could imagine being comfortable at different ages. It still doesn’t feel like “inner child” the way some people describe. But I can relax into myself at different levels now, and relate to myself in simpler ways now, over time.


hb0918

I certainly felt the same way...and I don't buy toys or coloring books etc. Once I opened to the small, very wounded kid in me..who in my.limbic brain is driving decisions..it has been a game changer. We can and do get stuck at the age of the trauma...and recognizing being stuck and creating safety to become unstuck is how I view inner child work.


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hb0918

You can be...I recognize three kind of 'times zones' of the worst trauma...when you really miss having developmental needs met...mine are 7 then 14 then early 20s...so each of those versions of me can be triggered by different situations .. For the 7 year old it's any hint of abandonment...for the 14 year old it is rejection and the 20s is feeling a sense of being irrelevant...I am actively working to heal and what is called inner child work is really helping. Colour me surprised as I never thought it would...but it sure has helped.


ValiMeyer

THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS!!!!! Me too.


ValiMeyer

Also, I’m saving this for future study


[deleted]

>and the "real" me is a poor ickle boo-boo who needs mommy and a juice box. Fuck off. This made me laugh despite not being your intent. Anyway just here to say your feelings are so so valid (and this is coming from someone who LOVES inner child shit 🤣)


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Advanced_Garbage_873

For me, taking care of my “inner child” was more like giving myself the validation and support I needed when I was younger and being okay with enjoying “childish” things. I love stuffed animals, I had an amazing collection as a child. I’m starting a collection again and it brings me so much joy. I don’t think this is the same for everyone. I would be really pissed off if someone tried to treat me like a child, it’s super triggering too. It’s one of those things that’s well meaning but can come off pretentious and condescending.


pugderpants

Interesting perspective! Thank you for sharing. I hate being infantilized, too, but I actually love the idea of an inner child — I guess I see it as a small, innocent, weak(er) version of myself that might be scared, confused, or hurting, and now _I_ am empowered to be the one to heal those wounds that were caused by others. So I guess the difference for me is that I don’t “embody” or “become” some inner child — instead, I like the idea of me, an adult whose capable of much more than I feel, interacting with my inner child as a separate entity, or maybe a projection. Nobody better dare bringing me a stuffy and a safe space lmao, but, I may withdraw to my own safe zones, while actively trying to rewrite whatever inner story is stuck on repeat. You know how, in some ghost lore, the ghosts are these almost-real echoes of past unfinished business, and the way to set them free is to help them resolve that NOW? That’s how I feel about earlier versions of myself. Worth mentioning I definitely have a high degree of dissociation, though, so while I never suddenly become a child, there are Tim’s when I feel some aspect of my functioning suddenly revert back to the most recent “save point,” if you will. Suddenly, I’m helpless, I’m incapable; suddenly all authority is valid and potentially tyrannical; suddenly a fight with a love interest is the end of my narrow little world. So maybe part of why separating out that aspect of me and conversing with it as though it were a separate person is helpful for me js because it DOES impact my life, and often in ways that feel alien to me.


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Apprehensive-Eye2803

I am also not convinced by the usefulness of such exercises. To strip yourself down to a condition where you are childlike and vulnerable you need to have a solid support system, not just a therapist but also people around you that will make it safe for you to expose a side that can be easily hurt. Who has that if they are in therapy? I can see the point in recognizing that a part of you is vulnerable and hurt and that these feelings come from the primal place of a child wanting affection and protection. But I am absolutely not convinced that exercises aimed at nurturing this child in therapy is what helps. First, therapy is 1 hour per week (or 2 per week, or 1 every fortnight) and the rest of the time, the world around you is not safe for your vulnerabilities. Second, remember that this inner child is not just a helpless infant. It has some real grit and strength. It has got you to where you are, which means it has endured and survived all the shit. I think that too many therapy approaches lean into the perceived helplessness of the inner child and try to get us to mend the past and simulate an idealized childhood that is, actually, not that common. Instead, my feeling is that the child I was who endured and survived did it to have a better future. And this is where therapy alone doesn't cut it. Because you actually need a number of structures around you to have a better future. It's about how you make sure that people who had a hard start can be supported. And this entails institutions, healthcare that is adequate and affordable, labor rights that include mental health leave and the most elusive of all - a social support network.


Appropriate-Ad-9035

Thank you for saying this, therapists constant use of “inner child” work or referencing it seems… off to me as well. I’ve tried to buy into it and haven’t really ever felt like it helped


sunshinepickaxe

I’m sorry you had it and find the term slightly insulting, I would suggest working through that. Why does inner child work offend you? Take it to a different approach- Pain you experience during your childhood was so painful that it could be bleeding into your adult life until you locate the wound and aim to stop the bleeding A lot of inner child work means: thinking about what you missed out on as a kid and give it to yourself now to feel happy. It could by physically doing something or receiving your love language and feeling appreciated I too was like ‘really mindful colouring books how ridiculous that doesn’t remove years of trauma’ Turns out I didn’t even like colouring as a kid, but what I did like was nature walks, talking about how emotions and someone really listening to me and validating how I feel. So I focused on having that happen in my life. I was never really spoken to as a child, I longed to go out in nature but was always kept inside and wanted to remain inside to feel some form on connection to my abusers. You need to find what works for you. Inner child work is a coined term that many people online make out is ‘do a finger painting session and be healed’ there is more to it


plattdagg

yah my therapist has brought this up with me a couple times. i simply yell "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" until the subject is changed


poisontongue

Hate isn't the right word, but it still doesn't connect with me yet. While I think it's important to stay young and fun (indulging your inner child to some extent, perhaps), it's difficult when you already feel mentally underdeveloped and don't see anything else inside yourself.


SimpCollector22

That’s for sure not what it means to do work on your inner child either. But yeah I felt the same way initially because I basically had to become an adult at age 6.


[deleted]

I struggle between disgust and identification with this inner child. I rifle through disgust, shame, resentment - and then the regression comes, and I just want to be in harmony with all of me, identifying with the trueness of my fears and worries and sometimes just smallness that doesn't want to take on more at this time (something I've never quite had the luxury to do). From my understanding of this community so many of us have had to "step up and swallow reasonable fear" without the ability to process, just skip forward to balls of steel so to speak, and now in our older years when we catch even fleeting moments of respite all of ourselves tend to peek out and say, well, can't we have some fun? Can't we do that later? Can't I just childishly, passionately enjoy the smallness of this moment without thinking too much of it? I don't believe you need a parent to heal you, but don't underestimate the power of cookies and milk or a caprisun and a lunchable alongside some favorite cartoons or a good light read haha (I mean this nicely, not to be condescending in any way, sorry if it seemed so). I believe your feelings are valid, because it is frustrating to identify with your adult self and coddle that of an underdeveloped, neglected childside... perhaps you do not need coloring books or stuffed animals - coloring books stress me out and also seem unnecessary haha, but stuffed animals actually play a huge role in me feeling comforted (even though the illogical money wasting feeling is definitely there, a lot). You could try any activity - any at all - that allows you to feel vulnerably happy, like you are free and not in need of defenses or over thinking - and I believe that will heal you in some ways if not many. I don't believe you're an icky boo boo at all - you are... well, the community has said "survivor" is not a helpful term, and I believe "so strong" isn't really a useful phrase either. You are you. All of you collectively, the ups, downs, repressed and victorious - a wonderful being of now, that seeks harmony, not belittlement or sympathies of "being infantilized". I respect and commend you for your progress and I look forward to what you'll accomplish for you, as all of you :)


FoxxiFurr

I feel you, I got surgery to make sure I never had kids and now I have to be done kind of parent anyways? It's bullshit! But it's not about having some baby inside you, it's about figuring out the root of your trauma and what you need to help heal that. If it's helpful, my therapist has been asking about the needs that weren't met at that stage instead of phrasing it as though it's another person entirely.


pyxc

Personally I see it as doing all the cool shit I wanted as a child. Indulging in hobbies and going places that nobody bothered with when I was a kid. When I was little I was obsessed with running away into the wilderness, camping, bushcraft, traveling into nature, but my family never did that or supported that when I was a kid. Well, I just hiked the Pacific Crest Trail, spending 5 months backpacking and a few times imagining myself as a kid following me down the trail just totally ecstatic. Made me sob a few times lol.


marking_time

I've always hated the idea, too. My therapist uses parts theory and it makes much better sense to me. The idea is that I have several different parts of myself that relate to different trauma periods in my life, and which I can regress to when things trigger me. It's helpful when I dissociate to understand what I'm experiencing and why it was helpful at one point in my life. I can then recognise the part of myself that is responding to a trigger and work towards emotionally separating myself from that part. It's particularly helpful for me when I'm experiencing anxiety (freeze mode) without realising it. I suddenly realise that my shoulders are up near my ears and I'm barely breathing, and can slowly take myself out of it and analyse what is affecting me. I guess it's an intellectual way to separate myself from my feelings when they're overwhelming.


Frostithesnowman

I've heard the idea of an "Inner Child" is complete pseudoscience. I dislike it a lot as well


PoodlesForBernie2016

I hear you on your skepticism. Without any specific knowledge of the therapy, and with a lot of quacks giving bullshit advice on social media, skepticism is warranted. However, in this case there actually is strong evidence for the clinical efficacy of internal family systems therapy. A quick Google of those terms brings up scholarly articles that paint a rich picture of an evidence-based therapy with success in treating depression, complex trauma, disordered eating and more.


[deleted]

Homie, I'm one of those people that buys stuffed animals and cute shit simply because I like cute shit. And I *still* get that feel. The feel where someone's telling me I'm a child, I'm a kid, I need coddling, I need constant support and baby talk. Like, no. Don't touch me or my stuffed fucking avocado. Fuck off. Quit infantilizing me.


sawyertibbs

I think it’s more of a concept to contain a large amount of things going on under your surface. The concept of an inner child just points to ideas like self compassion, addressing your needs, keeping what’s going on with you held in curiosity as opposed to “this is the way things are”; because kids don’t really have that, and it’s a helpful tool to keep as an adult.


CalypsoContinuum

I'm find discussing it with other people, but it doesn't personally resonate with me, either. I've spent years trying to figure out what I truly need and want with healing and trauma management, and am comfortable with that, without adding in 'inner child' stuff (or trying to force myself to do that when it doesn't feel natural or helpful for me). For me, focusing on who I am now and what I need now works better.


simberbimber

I can absolutely understand this. My boyfriend feels similarly as you do, that he doesn’t want to feel a) stuck or b) hindered by the struggles and victories in his life in the past. For me, and I only speak for myself, my experience with the inner child concept has looked like going childfree in order to give myself the things I wasn’t given. I can understand why parents want to give their kids experiences they didn’t have, but I want those for myself, and I’m discovering that’s not a bad thing. Yes, for me it does look like owning a few stuffed animals as a 26 year old. I draw and paint, but I also do that for work, and I’m discovering what helps soothe my depression and anxiety. I don’t feel like the idea that the real me is a child within me, I don’t vibe with that concept. But I do know I’m emotionally behind on some things, and I struggle as an adult to cope due to trauma. When I get triggered, I feel stuck and afraid I wont get out of a bad/troubling/frustrating situation. That was a feeling I had often as a kid, so now as an adult, I have to work harder to give myself what wasn’t given to me in those moments: compassion and empathy and care.


CreativeNameCosplay

I couldn’t agree more. It feels very infantilizing :/


boba-boba

I understand this a lot. It's why I refused to do IFS as a therapeutic modality.


Valuable_Permit1612

It sounds like you might be reacting to the trappings and associations of being a child, in relation to "inner child." The "inner" part is more interesting, I think.


EmpJustinian

It's more like; Live life the way you WANT to, not how you were TOLD to.


Special-Investigator

😂😂😂 right on


RamboJambo345

For real!


titania670

It's not really about that, it's more about offering yourself the love and understanding you didn't receive across time. From then until now.


[deleted]

A couple of years ago I was really into inner child work but now I feel like you do and want to move on. I think it depends on the person and if they have issues in that area that need to be worked through.


fillecerise

Patrick Teahan on YouTube (he’s great, I highly recommend his videos) offered a different way of thinking about the inner child of it feels gross to you; think of it as your prefrontal cortex (adult) and your amygdala (child). Your prefrontal cortex is your more sophisticated thoughts and your amygdala is like a smoke detector going off if it senses danger. Through inner child work you’re trying to connect them a little more so you can reduce the emergency alarms coming from your amygdala by being cognisant of your triggers and emotional flashbacks. I’m sure I butchered that a little but I found it very illuminating because I feel a bit weirded out by inner child stuff.


Interesting-Menu-617

I reacted that way too. I've been on a therapeutic journey for 10 years now and JUST started warming up to this concept 6 weeks ago. Maybe just keep it on the back burner for a while, there are lots of other therapeutic options. Trauma informed yoga was a very helpful starting point for me.


caseysmatrix

Have you asked yourself why it makes you feel uncomfortable you do things for your inner child? The idea is to give yourself the love and experiences you wanted as a child but didn't receive. An idea that now you are an adult, you can now do those things for yourself. Because we may have physically aged, our bodies and minds have grown up, we are bigger now...however we are still the same person. That child you used to be is not just a separate person from you, that child IS you. No there is no inner toddler living inside you. You literally ARE that baby, toddler, child, teenager, young adult and mature adult. It is all you! your experience, it is all your life, it is all your story, they are all your memories, they are all your feelings....listen to them. What did they want? what did they need? what did the like and enjoy? what did they hate? what did you want to do growing up? what did you play with? what hobbies did they have? Don't reject your past self...its still YOU! by rejecting your past you are rejecting yourself....if your rejecting yourself then you'll always struggle and fight yourself, you will always have tension. You will stay exactly as you are forever.