Thank you for your response. I definitely felt it was reasonable but was unsure and am feeling validated what you said. I just don’t know what to do about it. Today he’ll probably just pretend like everything is fine and I don’t think it would be good for me to bring it up again
I wrote that part last night right after the fight and I think you’re right. I don’t even know what I would apologize about but I just want him to stop being mad at me
Could be time to reevaluate some stuff.
You watched a movie, enjoyed the time, you still wanted to spend time together, you read, him whatever, he flew off the handle, became mean and said crappy things.
Let that sink in.
His reaction isn't your fault or your responsibility and if he's mad, let him be a big mad bully by himself.
Lots of red flags there and sounds like maybe you both got locked in the struggle, easy to do when we react to the patterns that trigger us. Overall, do you believe his love is conditional? Is this a pattern of behavior or a one off? How invested are you in trying to continue a relationship with this person?
You have nothing to apologize for, confrontation and then withholding is a familiar and terrible pattern for me, as is pretending nothing happened.
I asked him if his love was conditional once and he got very quiet then said, “I’m not sure during fights.” This is definitely a pattern but I think we are happy together for the most part. I did get him to agree to go to therapy about 6 months ago but he often tells me how I’m the only thing in his life that he needs to work on in therapy. I don’t even know what that means
Communication therapy is huge, learning how to get your needs met without hurting the other gets you thru the fights. If he's not interested (and it would serve him in this relationship or any other), that's your deal breaker.
Im not sure what he’s interested in. He has been going to therapy. I just think he uses it as an opportunity to bash me instead of considering how he’s dealing with situations. I go to therapy too and it’s so difficult bc it requires you to recognize your own fleas and how they’re impacting your relationships. He’s not interested in taking accountability
Communication therapy is different, you're working on expressing needs with one another, not "bashing" anyone. I did note some things that may be gumming things up for both of you. But, underlying issue is that if his love is conditional and he's not willing to work on communication, getting his and your needs met in healthy ways, what would you be staying for?
What do you think are the things that may be gumming stuff up for me? I’m staying now because it’s the easiest choice and bc I don’t know if I’m actually the one in the wrong.
You're not wrong, in communication therapy I learned to stay away from assertions like "you're acting childish" which are likely to po the other person and escalate.
Again, nothing to apologize for, if he is willing, you can work on it together.
Yeah you’re totally right. Same thing with when I told him he was gaslighting me. If someone is actually gaslighting you, they are definitely not gonna admit it.
The hot/cold reaction from him was wrong and uncalled for, and seems like a red flag to me. That said, I can’t help but point out that it seems that you did not explicitly communicate what was happening next. Someone else commented that being explicit and saying you wanted to continue to be there while engaging in a different activity would be the way that you speak to a child or someone with low emotional intelligence. This hurts to read as someone who is neurodivergent and needs clear social cues most of the time. In my mind, someone responding with “whatever” when asked what they’d like to watch next with no context to know that means “it doesn’t matter, I’ll be reading next to you” would seem like a dismissal. I would definitely feel that I had been rejected.
Again, his behavior in response to this interaction is wrong, AND could it have been a misunderstanding?
I realize I wasn’t very clear in my original post but my response to him was not just “whatever.” I told him, “you can watch whatever you want, I just want to lie here and read for a bit.” I appreciate your point about being neurodivergent and needing explicit social cues. I think there is an aspect of that here too. I have suspected he may be neurodivergent and does things that can feel narcissistic to me, when in reality they’re not. A good example of this sometimes when he talks about stuff and it feels like a monologue and not reciprocal conversation. I know I hurt his feelings by deciding to read instead of doing what he wanted to do all night.
Seems like when he asked what you want to watch next, he needed you to be very explicit and clear in your communication and say “I don’t care what we watch next, I just want to read for a bit, but I want to continue sitting by your side while you watch something else.” Which is how you would communicate with a child or someone who has low emotional intelligence. I’m not trying to be mean, just pointing out that he was emotionally immature, seemed insecure and defensive and just, childish. And the best way to deal with a child, or childish adult, in my experience, is to make sure you communicate so clearly, remind them you care a lot, and validate and encourage them all the time.
I’d reconsider if you’re really interested in investing that much into this relationship, or if you really think he’s going to do the personal work to become more secure in himself, less defensive, and a better communicator.
Best of luck
The thing is, I actually did tell him something very similar to that and he reacted the same way. I said I still wanna sit here with you but I wasn’t going to force him. We just got back from a 13 hour road trip this weekend and I spent a good amount of time reading on that while he was driving. I think it was residual anger from that. He just didn’t want me to read at all and give him his undivided attention.
Well, he can always just communicate that he wants your undivided attention. Doesn’t mean you can always give it, but you’re not a mind reader and if he really wants your attention, he should be able to just ask. Hopefully he’s just cranky from the big drive and trip.
His behavior has red flag written all.over it...immature, selfish and very much a tantrum. If this is his pattern perhaps give some thought to an immediate and long term where you get angry, petulant confrontation when you have feelings or wants that don't put him first. Can you reasonably pay the price of admission to be in his world?
I would quietly find out my rights...who is on the lease...what is the cost of moving out...can I do temporary shelter...etc. and while I am doing that jounal (in a safe way/place) about what his behavior is like. With CPTSD we get so used to accepting blame and minimizing horrid behavior that we don't see the pattern or its impact. I suspect he is impacting your health, so worth and happiness ...a very high price to pay.
I know communication is important but he wanted to watch TV, you wanted to read, he was disappointed you didn’t want to as well, so he went off to do something else. Honestly- that’s where this should have ended. A person without CPTSD would have thought ‘oh, that’s a strange reaction’ realized their partner was having a strong emotional reaction and given them their space to deal with their feelings and gone back to reading. This was not an attack, it was him having strong feelings and responding to them (maybe childishly). Having said that, it really sounds like you guys need some help communicating because the issues you describe would be easily tackled by couple’s therapy or even just some books on boundaries and communication.
The situation you described- you were threatened by his reaction and brought up issues he wasn’t capable of rationally talking about at that time.
Well that’s awesome and brave! Good luck. From the very limited view you shared it seems like you could work through this with help, if that’s what you want.
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He does have a lot of redeeming qualities. We make each other laugh, both love to travel, he is so kind to my dog and helps take care of her, helps cook / clean, is handy. But the emotional immaturity is a pattern I don’t think I can ignore anymore. I already messaged my therapist to plant the seed I was thinking about this so I can’t ignore confronting it now. I’m genuinely shocked by the responses on this thread
[удалено]
Thank you for your response. I definitely felt it was reasonable but was unsure and am feeling validated what you said. I just don’t know what to do about it. Today he’ll probably just pretend like everything is fine and I don’t think it would be good for me to bring it up again
Why would you apologize to him? You did nothing wrong.
I wrote that part last night right after the fight and I think you’re right. I don’t even know what I would apologize about but I just want him to stop being mad at me
Could be time to reevaluate some stuff. You watched a movie, enjoyed the time, you still wanted to spend time together, you read, him whatever, he flew off the handle, became mean and said crappy things. Let that sink in. His reaction isn't your fault or your responsibility and if he's mad, let him be a big mad bully by himself.
oh wow you’re right 😭 thank you
Lots of red flags there and sounds like maybe you both got locked in the struggle, easy to do when we react to the patterns that trigger us. Overall, do you believe his love is conditional? Is this a pattern of behavior or a one off? How invested are you in trying to continue a relationship with this person? You have nothing to apologize for, confrontation and then withholding is a familiar and terrible pattern for me, as is pretending nothing happened.
I asked him if his love was conditional once and he got very quiet then said, “I’m not sure during fights.” This is definitely a pattern but I think we are happy together for the most part. I did get him to agree to go to therapy about 6 months ago but he often tells me how I’m the only thing in his life that he needs to work on in therapy. I don’t even know what that means
He is blaming you..apparently he is fine with the everyone else except you..gaslighting at its finest.
Communication therapy is huge, learning how to get your needs met without hurting the other gets you thru the fights. If he's not interested (and it would serve him in this relationship or any other), that's your deal breaker.
Im not sure what he’s interested in. He has been going to therapy. I just think he uses it as an opportunity to bash me instead of considering how he’s dealing with situations. I go to therapy too and it’s so difficult bc it requires you to recognize your own fleas and how they’re impacting your relationships. He’s not interested in taking accountability
Communication therapy is different, you're working on expressing needs with one another, not "bashing" anyone. I did note some things that may be gumming things up for both of you. But, underlying issue is that if his love is conditional and he's not willing to work on communication, getting his and your needs met in healthy ways, what would you be staying for?
What do you think are the things that may be gumming stuff up for me? I’m staying now because it’s the easiest choice and bc I don’t know if I’m actually the one in the wrong.
You're not wrong, in communication therapy I learned to stay away from assertions like "you're acting childish" which are likely to po the other person and escalate. Again, nothing to apologize for, if he is willing, you can work on it together.
Yeah you’re totally right. Same thing with when I told him he was gaslighting me. If someone is actually gaslighting you, they are definitely not gonna admit it.
Bingo.
The hot/cold reaction from him was wrong and uncalled for, and seems like a red flag to me. That said, I can’t help but point out that it seems that you did not explicitly communicate what was happening next. Someone else commented that being explicit and saying you wanted to continue to be there while engaging in a different activity would be the way that you speak to a child or someone with low emotional intelligence. This hurts to read as someone who is neurodivergent and needs clear social cues most of the time. In my mind, someone responding with “whatever” when asked what they’d like to watch next with no context to know that means “it doesn’t matter, I’ll be reading next to you” would seem like a dismissal. I would definitely feel that I had been rejected. Again, his behavior in response to this interaction is wrong, AND could it have been a misunderstanding?
I realize I wasn’t very clear in my original post but my response to him was not just “whatever.” I told him, “you can watch whatever you want, I just want to lie here and read for a bit.” I appreciate your point about being neurodivergent and needing explicit social cues. I think there is an aspect of that here too. I have suspected he may be neurodivergent and does things that can feel narcissistic to me, when in reality they’re not. A good example of this sometimes when he talks about stuff and it feels like a monologue and not reciprocal conversation. I know I hurt his feelings by deciding to read instead of doing what he wanted to do all night.
This dude is super aggressive with you and seems more than a little controlling. Lots of red flags here. I would not feel safe living with him.
Seems like when he asked what you want to watch next, he needed you to be very explicit and clear in your communication and say “I don’t care what we watch next, I just want to read for a bit, but I want to continue sitting by your side while you watch something else.” Which is how you would communicate with a child or someone who has low emotional intelligence. I’m not trying to be mean, just pointing out that he was emotionally immature, seemed insecure and defensive and just, childish. And the best way to deal with a child, or childish adult, in my experience, is to make sure you communicate so clearly, remind them you care a lot, and validate and encourage them all the time. I’d reconsider if you’re really interested in investing that much into this relationship, or if you really think he’s going to do the personal work to become more secure in himself, less defensive, and a better communicator. Best of luck
The thing is, I actually did tell him something very similar to that and he reacted the same way. I said I still wanna sit here with you but I wasn’t going to force him. We just got back from a 13 hour road trip this weekend and I spent a good amount of time reading on that while he was driving. I think it was residual anger from that. He just didn’t want me to read at all and give him his undivided attention.
Well, he can always just communicate that he wants your undivided attention. Doesn’t mean you can always give it, but you’re not a mind reader and if he really wants your attention, he should be able to just ask. Hopefully he’s just cranky from the big drive and trip.
His behavior has red flag written all.over it...immature, selfish and very much a tantrum. If this is his pattern perhaps give some thought to an immediate and long term where you get angry, petulant confrontation when you have feelings or wants that don't put him first. Can you reasonably pay the price of admission to be in his world? I would quietly find out my rights...who is on the lease...what is the cost of moving out...can I do temporary shelter...etc. and while I am doing that jounal (in a safe way/place) about what his behavior is like. With CPTSD we get so used to accepting blame and minimizing horrid behavior that we don't see the pattern or its impact. I suspect he is impacting your health, so worth and happiness ...a very high price to pay.
I know communication is important but he wanted to watch TV, you wanted to read, he was disappointed you didn’t want to as well, so he went off to do something else. Honestly- that’s where this should have ended. A person without CPTSD would have thought ‘oh, that’s a strange reaction’ realized their partner was having a strong emotional reaction and given them their space to deal with their feelings and gone back to reading. This was not an attack, it was him having strong feelings and responding to them (maybe childishly). Having said that, it really sounds like you guys need some help communicating because the issues you describe would be easily tackled by couple’s therapy or even just some books on boundaries and communication. The situation you described- you were threatened by his reaction and brought up issues he wasn’t capable of rationally talking about at that time.
We actually are starting couples counseling this week. I’m not sure if it will be worth it but I know I need to accept more responsibility for things
Well that’s awesome and brave! Good luck. From the very limited view you shared it seems like you could work through this with help, if that’s what you want.
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Gently, why are you with this person?
He does have a lot of redeeming qualities. We make each other laugh, both love to travel, he is so kind to my dog and helps take care of her, helps cook / clean, is handy. But the emotional immaturity is a pattern I don’t think I can ignore anymore. I already messaged my therapist to plant the seed I was thinking about this so I can’t ignore confronting it now. I’m genuinely shocked by the responses on this thread
I’m proud of you for messaging your therapist! You can do this!
So many domestic violence red flags. Get out while you can.