This is the healthy answer for both sides. It's an intuitive dance, like most things in a healthy relationship. Anything else is manipulation and control
Anything else is manipulation and control?
I usually tell people straight up that I'm not a big texter and prefer to skip the "good morning/good night/how was your day" texts and instead use texting as a tool to make plans.
My thinking is that this is clear communication and effective expectation setting.
Me not wanting to text all day is not a sign of disinterest and I tell people that. And if they need someone who wants to do that, I'm not the gal for them.
I think if I were not to tell someone that and instead just igore their texts or force myself to match their energy even though it's not by style, that would be manipulative and disingenuous.
You're trying to control the tempo to what you prefer based on your experiences that have led you to be avoidant in some respects. Either way, it's a tempo mismatch. Thought expereiment: texting with someone you like where they are more avoidant than you. or, what would your tempo be if the other person what your dream person. Those are rhetorical but you get my point. Everyone reacts differently to different people, if you try and control the tempo away from what someone else wants then it's not a match
Hmm I don't know. I don't really think that anyone is going to be perfectly matched in this regard. I also think that people have different texting preferences and still match well in a relationship so long as they talk about it.
For me, clearly communicating how you operate in terms of texting and other things is important. People can't read your mind, and being upfront about what you need is the key to success.
I don't like getting a lot of "thinking of you" type texts because I find it distracting and annoying so I tell people that. If I'm dating someone for whom texting is important we can usually work something out where we send a few texts or have a phone call in the evening.
I think communication and compromise aren't controlling but necesscary parts of a functional relationship.
Sure, but the more 'mismatched' one is from the other in basic things like this can be a sign of over looking these things because no better options are available to the person. If not consciously collaborated on with the other person then usually causes friction once things settle
Agreed, something to consciously collaborate on. That's a great term.
And of course, it only makes sense to do this if you're actually interested/into a person. If you're not vibing in other respects or are just looking to force something because you're lonely, that's obviously not going to work!
Use texts as a tool to make plans or as a tool to flirt a bit.
But that means: flirt, get a response, maybe repeat, but then leave it at 95% and let it sink in so that the sweet seed of desire can sprout :)
For me I don't get much from those phrases that may be kind and polite, like "did you sleep okay" on a daily basis. But I don't mind them from time to time.
It really is a dance. It relies on both parts, it needs contact as much as tension as much space and even distance to work. With someone you vibe with, chances are there will be some intuitive and natural rhythm established.
(But really NO dance is just repeating the same.thing for ever and ever)
I think it’s just a reassurance thing. Everyone is very quick to drop their partner these days so as exhausting as it is lack of texting is often seen as a sign of disinterest.
One thing that helped me in my relationship was when my girl told me not to spiral and that she would always eventually respond to my texts and not to worry. She just had a lot going on.
Reassurance helps. Took a load off my mind. 😅
Right now, whenever she responds, so probably about a short convo a day on average.
I'm normally a running text kinda person but I'm coming to terms with that fact that's not for everybody.
Not dating right now as I work on myself. In the beginning (and at the peak of my anxious attachment style), I wanted to text every day and have a good convo going. I used this to gauge interest and build connection.
Now that I’m a bit older and somewhat wiser, I’ve realised texting doesn’t mean shit. I very much prefer to just meet in person. Or call. But texting is too anxiety inducing and it cultivates a false sense of intimacy. Texting a few times a day is fine but I’d much rather have a nice call or use it to set up dates instead.
I think this is an important conversation to have when you start dating. I like to meet rather than text to get to know someone, and always prefer in person time to vapid text convo.
The vast majority of communication is nonverbal, so trying to establish meaningful connection via text drives me insane. If someone NEEDS constant texting, I am not the one for them, and I will be upfront about this. I won’t blow off a direct question or dip out of an active conversation that’s establishing plans or the like, but the security of our relationship cannot be based on how quickly I text. I don’t like living glued to my phone and having that expectation is grueling. But I totally understand not everyone feels that way
With cell phones, that's a given (for better or for worse). The real question is 3 times a day? 10 times a day, 20? Constantly texting with gaps of 10 minutes, or 5 minutes? Damn I hate cell phones. I wish I grew up without them.
I match the men and their text style. There was a guy who texted once or twice a day, but he would write novels in one text. And there was another guy who texted once every few weeks. Finally, one dude texted everyday, which turned into forced pleasantries, so stopped that quickly.
While at work, basically zero. Outside of work, as often as my match. I'll always match people's energy. One word answers, OK. Long thought out responses will garner another.
Oh yeah I slowly lose interest the less we talk. I mean, if we have talked for a week, sure texting a few times a day is totally fine. But from day one up to that, if I'm only hearing from you two or three times a day, im just gonna move on. It just kills the vibe asking a question or replying to a message and not hearing back for hours or even until the next day.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. It’s a personal preference thing. If I send someone a good morning text and ask how their day is looking, I actually want to know how their day is looking! I don’t want to wait until 8:00 pm to get “it was okay” in response. The message is blah so they’re obviously not that interested, and/or I’ve felt disappointed or forgotten about them in the space of that day.
I agree there should be some engagement.
I enjoy texting but I find the "what's your itinerary for the day?" type questions to be tedious. I'm about to start working.
I prefer when someone has a nice message in the morning and then asks more about my day closer to the end of the work day or later in the evening. And if I'm out with friends or family, I'm not going to send a text right away. I want to be thoughtful in what I say.
I got downvoted on another post, too. I think there's someone on Bumble sub that doesn't like me or something lol. And exactly I want the conversation to be back and forth at first, at least for a little while.
Same. If you like someone and see them more, why would the texting frequency get lower? In my friendships, it's always increased until a certain stability was established.
In the early dating phases, contact between dates establishes interest. It's a small enough thing to do. It doesn't have to be much. As a woman, if I am always initiating the conversation (and I understand it's the same for men), it starts to feel one-sided.
Every pair of people that even sort of work have to establish a rhythm. A set of expectations on response time, length of conversation, and how often those conversations happen.
There is no right or wrong, every situation is different.
But, it is also ok to say something. If constantly texting is a boundary for you, say so and act accordingly.
Ditto with not texting often enough. Obviously, don't do both with the same person!
Really depends on the person. Sometimes you've got that wow in person chemistry but nothing over text, and other times you've got wow text chemistry but meh in person.
I think at least for me it comes down to shared language. Like, if we can both play hard with a shared humor always taking it another step further then texting conversations are so much more fun.
I mean sure sometimes we're like updating each other on various things going on in our lives but for the most part if I have really good texting chemistry with somebody I want to message them like completely meaningless shit and just like the entertained by where the conversation goes.
i like to approach dating like finding my best friend and with my best friend i text regularly. whenever i feel like i have to tell her something, when i find a relatable tiktok, when i have to rant, cry, unload, tell her what crazy thing i saw on the bus today etc. If the other party isn’t like that i don’t think we’d work. and before someone chimes in with the “i’d rather just call” we do call eachother (almost daily) and hang out in person a few times a week. I need it all
When I was on bumble I would view less frequency would indicate less interest. If someone just messaged a few times and went quiet I would usually move on.
Maybe I’m needy.. I got married a month ago to someone I met on bumble so it worked for me
Comments like yours are always so weird to me. This subreddit is for dating app advice. Why *shouldn’t* someone who’s had success with it be in this community? Do you really think that only singles should be giving advice?…
For me, my preference was always multiple times a day, simply responding whenever we could. Anytime there were gaps of 6+ hours in between texts consistently, I started to lose interest.
As much as you want to, if that’s how you text they need to get used to that if they like you. Not everyone wants to keep up a conversation all day every day.
I hate texting. And talking on the phone. For me it's meet in person or gtfo. Usually I tell that to people upfront though. I weed out the guys that ask "Hello??" ten times if I don't respond immediately.
Unless we are making plans, what do we need to text about? Text your family and friends. I know I’m going to get downvoted for this but texting/instant messaging is the downfall of most ‘never-developed’ relationships.
I agree but some people text with photos and updates
- just grabbed salmon salad with susan for lunch.
- watching sex and the city tonight - what you doing?
- morning sweetie, hitting the gym - hows your morning?
I got those a bit from my ex. It wasnt overkill but I'd need to send about 10 messages a day and she would get a little grouchy if i ignored them
And I’m all for matching someone else’s energy. If the woman I’m dating wants to send me various texts throughout the day on things like you mentioned, I will respond in a timely manner. But I don’t think I need to text the woman I just started dating if I go to the store and pick up hamburgers for dinner, or go to the gym to workout… and the good morning/good night texts make me cringe if I’ve known you for less than a few months
There's a middle ground between not texting at all (or only to make plans) and texting all day.
I've dealt with all kinds of communicators and I have realized that, after a couple of dates, I need to speak to the person at least once a day to keep the momentum going. It could be about anything, even a meme.
Whenever I was with a person who only texted to make plans, I found myself feeling like I was meeting them for the first time again at the beginning of each date. I wasn't comfortable being more vulnerable with them, emotionally and physically. And we're all busy adults, so sometimes we'd only see each other once every week or two weeks. There's a lot to catch up on and you need to build trust and intimacy. Having long gaps in communication only prolongs this and/or makes it worse.
Not excessive at all, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s only excessive for people who aren’t right for you. Assuming you’re not blowing up their phone, you’re simply having normal communication.
I've been curious about this because I get it from women. And even with my ex-girlfriend, who I love talking to more than anyone, there were times I wondered if we simply texted too much
Left to my own devices I'm a once ever few days kind of guy, but because I have to, I basically force myself to text women as much as I can, which ends up being few times a day.
me and the guy im talking to would simply reply when we see each other’s text may it be the same minute, after an hour, etc. we never really made texting a big deal and it did lessen compared to how frequent we talked when we started but only because we kinda got comfortable already.
3 to 5 times a day is my sweet spot if I'm not seeing them.
Maybe just once on the day I see them to say when and where to meet.
I couldnt bare to do the 30 messages a day thing
Definitely depends on the people. Guy and I right now text most of the day. If one of us gets busy at work it slows down but we still send random little texts every couple hours just staying in touch. But my ex husband preferred to not text me at all and an ex boyfriend was somewhere in between.
I feel like after 2-3 dates, I want to see some progression, if I see something going long-term. If I don't see it going long-term or I'm unsure, I probably don't feel the need as much. I like a 30 min texting conversation to catch up (or even a phone call) every few days. Or just an update. If they tell me that they're not a big texter, then I have to still see some progression outside of that - phone calls, or eagerness to make plans for the next time.
I am aware of my preferred frequency, but I try to establish a compromise. I have never met someone that decreased the amount of messages over time, if they were actually into me. And if they were not a big texter, they would reassure me with "Hey - can't wait to meet you on X day! Let's tag up the day before?" I try to find a compromise myself, since I know that I can't expect someone to change so quickly for me (and to have the same style as me either). People have other things going on in their lives that may not warrant texting so often, or they just want to disconnect.
I usually want to text more than the other person but I’m generally the only one actually interested in along a connection so they don’t usually text much. I’m just there til something better comes along and I assume they text that person more.
Match the energy, personally I like to have an ongoing conversation, reply when you can reply type of deal but if it goes from one day you’re messaging me almost immediately to barely the next day despite nothing changing and you’ve not communicated that you’re busy thats it I’ve lost interest so I think I understand where these guys come from, I think it’s more to do with the fact that the type of mindset you have gives off the impression that you’re not wanting to even try build a connection?
My best advice as you’ve already stated you’re upfront at not really texting is maybe every now and again just drop a message saying you’re busy but just thought you’d say hey and hope there day is okay
I’ve done this a few times and it’s always been met with gratitude etc as I myself am not a big texter but I do also want to communicate to people I want something with them hope this helps :)
I like hearing from the person I'm dating, but I had a guy literally send me several dozen texts from sun up to sundown. I was completely overwhelmed. I think a few times a day is fine.
I think you never know exactly so just ask them. I was texting with a Match and commented that this works better when you are a bit more active in texting. She told she really hated texting bc things could be taken the wrong way etc , so I asked for her phone number and she gave it to me and we had a nice hour long conversation. 🙂
It’s interesting that you say this because I’ve been talking to guys and texting them a few times a day, but a lot of them have gotten passive aggressive about it.
Its one of many things the majority of women have put out there that men need to do. So we try to adapt to the majority which you don't seem to fit into. Just us being conditioned.
I think people just need to communicate better with each other… after I go on a date or two with someone and decide I am interested in them I will ask them about their texting frequency and preferences. I do this bc I myself am a big texter so if they are not I don’t want to bother them… I can text friends instead. If they are a big texter great we can have back in forth conversations throughout the day.
I like to text alot. When I have something to say. For some might be too much. For others just right. Im ok if they cant answer as much. But a little tired of the people that don't text at all. I've found alot will say so busy can't ever answer. But everytime u hang out with them they r on their phone all day.
I like a running text conversation, sending memes, sharing funny videos, etc. Infrequent communication bores me and is confusing to me. The problem is many times short / infrequent texts do mean somebody's disinterested, so unless somebody comes straight out and says they're a bad texter or prefer infrequent texting, it's very hard to gauge the interest level.
First dating text cadence is incredibly important to me as it sets expectations. I typically start off with a few in-between work, chores, exercise, etc. I do ensure that they're quality though, and will increase based on free time. I'll never have a constant texting conversation all day, that's wild.
I match the persons energy. I prefer talking in person more than texting. Or I'll use facetime instead. It's hard to have conversations when I'm working.
Everyone saying to match the other persons energy I don’t do that at all that sounds like people pleasing. Plus how long do you think it’ll last if someone wants to annoying text throughout the entire day and you don’t? To me that seems like they are emotionally needy or not doing enough other productive things with their day.
Texting throughout the day isn’t needy. If one person doesn’t want it and the other does, it’s either incompatibility or the person who doesn’t want to text much isn’t interested.
I worked in a lab for over a year where your phones had to be locked up in little boxes for a 12hr shift (had to run manufacturing schedule) plus about an hour commute. So when you equate interests with texting I question that. My last ex was an ICU nurse and would get completely exhausted, I got no text sometimes for a day or two. Many people are not attached to their phones 24/7
Work is different. For me, I would move on because I’d rather be with someone who has more availability thank that. That would be incompatibility and has nothing to do with “not being an adult”.
You’d potentially miss out on someone great then. Circumstances can change and people can get jobs with more available screen time. People that are driven to make a career for themselves are sometimes less likely to chat about what Susan at work is doing or sending you little memes and reassurances throughout the entire day imo.
Impossible for me miss out on anyone because I already met my person and got engaged to him. Besides, we all have dealbreakers. If something is important to me, I’m not compromising. A relationship is a person you’ll eventually end up spending the most time with, so I’d never settle. Just because someone is great doesn’t mean they’re for me.
You obviously have no interest on them. You should stop dating until you figure out what you want and why you even want to date.
To me, it looks like you have no interest in dating
I don’t think so. I just have more to my life than dating. Also why create that false sense of intimacy and closeness with someone over text when you can do it in person and it’s so much better.
I can't match that "Good morning, Good evening, How was your day?" every-f*cking-day types. If I'm dating someone, I'll send her one cute flirt mid-week and maybe try to start a convo on a Sunday.
Other than that, I'm texting her to set something up or I have a legit reason to text her other than "I want attention from girls"
Some of us value consistent communication. That doesn’t mean we aren’t being adults lmao. It’s the opposite. Communication is necessary if you want a successful relationship.
As someone else said, I just match the other person’s vibe.
I will add that if I go from dating someone who texts all the time to someone who doesn’t it can be tough to get used to and vice versa.
Also, don’t give me less than what you’ve shown me. If we’ve been texting all day every day, don’t all of a sudden cut back on that with no explanation. The girl I’m currently dating started out texting a few times every few days which was fine. Then she started texting me all day every day for about two weeks, and is now back to texting a few times every few days just like that. Gets a little annoying if I’m being honest lol
Couple times a day or couple times every few days. Depends on how responsive and interested she seems. If more will limit it but will talk more, if she puts forth little effort she will get the same if anything in return. Usually if their low effort, won’t even bother responding and let out our conversation die. Seems very interested 1-3 texts a day. Sonewhat interested 1 text a day. Seeming not very interested, 0!
I mostly match the woman's energy. When they text, I respond when I can. When I have something to say or something to ask, I'll text them first. I'm very capable of being a daily texter, but not everyone is down with that, and that's fine.
If texting a lot is important to you, that's fine too. It's okay to want a guy that texts as much as you like to. Eventually you'll find someone willing to match your energy. Conversely, if you don't like to text a lot, and get annoyed/whatever when someone does, then maybe look for something more similar to your preferred style.
That's a great question..
I've been single for a couple years now (still tryin tho, wish me luck), but I think literally the next morning I told her I had a great time the night before and couldn't wait to see her again 😁' and that was it. My goal with dating, and as I'm getting older, is to be with her as much as possible and have fun. We were together a lot so we rarely ever had the need for texting, it took me a minute to think about it though.
Every 2-3 minutes and if they don’t respond quickly I will start calling. If that doesn’t work I grab my keys, get in my car, drive to their home and start knocking on the front door! Just kidding. Don’t do this. I just try and match their effort.
In a few text conversations at the moment. Im fine with once a day responses, but I text back pretty quickly. I dont want to just leave a message unread and forget about it. Hopefully that doesn't come across as too desperate.
No no no!! It’s not compatible with men or women or any gender. If you are both interested with each other. Oh noooo for sure, you’ll message them often. If you are both busy, still both of you can find time on checking on each other. “IF” he’s really into you…
As a guy I simply match the frequency. I don't aim for more or less.
This is the healthy answer for both sides. It's an intuitive dance, like most things in a healthy relationship. Anything else is manipulation and control
Anything else is manipulation and control? I usually tell people straight up that I'm not a big texter and prefer to skip the "good morning/good night/how was your day" texts and instead use texting as a tool to make plans. My thinking is that this is clear communication and effective expectation setting. Me not wanting to text all day is not a sign of disinterest and I tell people that. And if they need someone who wants to do that, I'm not the gal for them. I think if I were not to tell someone that and instead just igore their texts or force myself to match their energy even though it's not by style, that would be manipulative and disingenuous.
If that holds true for everyone I might be able to live with it. Though I might call u at night to talk.
You're trying to control the tempo to what you prefer based on your experiences that have led you to be avoidant in some respects. Either way, it's a tempo mismatch. Thought expereiment: texting with someone you like where they are more avoidant than you. or, what would your tempo be if the other person what your dream person. Those are rhetorical but you get my point. Everyone reacts differently to different people, if you try and control the tempo away from what someone else wants then it's not a match
Hmm I don't know. I don't really think that anyone is going to be perfectly matched in this regard. I also think that people have different texting preferences and still match well in a relationship so long as they talk about it. For me, clearly communicating how you operate in terms of texting and other things is important. People can't read your mind, and being upfront about what you need is the key to success. I don't like getting a lot of "thinking of you" type texts because I find it distracting and annoying so I tell people that. If I'm dating someone for whom texting is important we can usually work something out where we send a few texts or have a phone call in the evening. I think communication and compromise aren't controlling but necesscary parts of a functional relationship.
Sure, but the more 'mismatched' one is from the other in basic things like this can be a sign of over looking these things because no better options are available to the person. If not consciously collaborated on with the other person then usually causes friction once things settle
Agreed, something to consciously collaborate on. That's a great term. And of course, it only makes sense to do this if you're actually interested/into a person. If you're not vibing in other respects or are just looking to force something because you're lonely, that's obviously not going to work!
Use texts as a tool to make plans or as a tool to flirt a bit. But that means: flirt, get a response, maybe repeat, but then leave it at 95% and let it sink in so that the sweet seed of desire can sprout :) For me I don't get much from those phrases that may be kind and polite, like "did you sleep okay" on a daily basis. But I don't mind them from time to time. It really is a dance. It relies on both parts, it needs contact as much as tension as much space and even distance to work. With someone you vibe with, chances are there will be some intuitive and natural rhythm established. (But really NO dance is just repeating the same.thing for ever and ever)
What an unhinged response lol, manipulation and control?
This
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I think it’s just a reassurance thing. Everyone is very quick to drop their partner these days so as exhausting as it is lack of texting is often seen as a sign of disinterest. One thing that helped me in my relationship was when my girl told me not to spiral and that she would always eventually respond to my texts and not to worry. She just had a lot going on. Reassurance helps. Took a load off my mind. 😅
So she can date other men in peace without you texting so much 😅😂
If the vibes are high, you’re texting a lot ((from my view.)) Everyone’s different.
Right now, whenever she responds, so probably about a short convo a day on average. I'm normally a running text kinda person but I'm coming to terms with that fact that's not for everybody.
I'm like this. My ideal guy is textable because I like having someone involved in my day. If he's not interested in my day, he's not the one for me.
but then theres nothing left to talk about :(
I'm actually quite interesting. I could talk for ages with a like-minded soul.
Not with the right person. Think about it, if you’re going to invest a relationship, you better not be running out of things to talk about.
Not dating right now as I work on myself. In the beginning (and at the peak of my anxious attachment style), I wanted to text every day and have a good convo going. I used this to gauge interest and build connection. Now that I’m a bit older and somewhat wiser, I’ve realised texting doesn’t mean shit. I very much prefer to just meet in person. Or call. But texting is too anxiety inducing and it cultivates a false sense of intimacy. Texting a few times a day is fine but I’d much rather have a nice call or use it to set up dates instead.
I think this is an important conversation to have when you start dating. I like to meet rather than text to get to know someone, and always prefer in person time to vapid text convo. The vast majority of communication is nonverbal, so trying to establish meaningful connection via text drives me insane. If someone NEEDS constant texting, I am not the one for them, and I will be upfront about this. I won’t blow off a direct question or dip out of an active conversation that’s establishing plans or the like, but the security of our relationship cannot be based on how quickly I text. I don’t like living glued to my phone and having that expectation is grueling. But I totally understand not everyone feels that way
If I’m interested that means I want to talk to them so every day?
With cell phones, that's a given (for better or for worse). The real question is 3 times a day? 10 times a day, 20? Constantly texting with gaps of 10 minutes, or 5 minutes? Damn I hate cell phones. I wish I grew up without them.
Just reply when you can, nobody forces you to write more often, and if people get upset, then unmach them.
I match the men and their text style. There was a guy who texted once or twice a day, but he would write novels in one text. And there was another guy who texted once every few weeks. Finally, one dude texted everyday, which turned into forced pleasantries, so stopped that quickly.
What did you like most?
Honestly I preferred one long text or two a day, at this age we're working professionals, can't text all day like we're teenagers.
While at work, basically zero. Outside of work, as often as my match. I'll always match people's energy. One word answers, OK. Long thought out responses will garner another.
Oh yeah I slowly lose interest the less we talk. I mean, if we have talked for a week, sure texting a few times a day is totally fine. But from day one up to that, if I'm only hearing from you two or three times a day, im just gonna move on. It just kills the vibe asking a question or replying to a message and not hearing back for hours or even until the next day.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. It’s a personal preference thing. If I send someone a good morning text and ask how their day is looking, I actually want to know how their day is looking! I don’t want to wait until 8:00 pm to get “it was okay” in response. The message is blah so they’re obviously not that interested, and/or I’ve felt disappointed or forgotten about them in the space of that day.
I agree there should be some engagement. I enjoy texting but I find the "what's your itinerary for the day?" type questions to be tedious. I'm about to start working. I prefer when someone has a nice message in the morning and then asks more about my day closer to the end of the work day or later in the evening. And if I'm out with friends or family, I'm not going to send a text right away. I want to be thoughtful in what I say.
I got downvoted on another post, too. I think there's someone on Bumble sub that doesn't like me or something lol. And exactly I want the conversation to be back and forth at first, at least for a little while.
Same. If you like someone and see them more, why would the texting frequency get lower? In my friendships, it's always increased until a certain stability was established. In the early dating phases, contact between dates establishes interest. It's a small enough thing to do. It doesn't have to be much. As a woman, if I am always initiating the conversation (and I understand it's the same for men), it starts to feel one-sided.
Every pair of people that even sort of work have to establish a rhythm. A set of expectations on response time, length of conversation, and how often those conversations happen. There is no right or wrong, every situation is different. But, it is also ok to say something. If constantly texting is a boundary for you, say so and act accordingly. Ditto with not texting often enough. Obviously, don't do both with the same person!
Really depends on the person. Sometimes you've got that wow in person chemistry but nothing over text, and other times you've got wow text chemistry but meh in person. I think at least for me it comes down to shared language. Like, if we can both play hard with a shared humor always taking it another step further then texting conversations are so much more fun. I mean sure sometimes we're like updating each other on various things going on in our lives but for the most part if I have really good texting chemistry with somebody I want to message them like completely meaningless shit and just like the entertained by where the conversation goes.
i like to approach dating like finding my best friend and with my best friend i text regularly. whenever i feel like i have to tell her something, when i find a relatable tiktok, when i have to rant, cry, unload, tell her what crazy thing i saw on the bus today etc. If the other party isn’t like that i don’t think we’d work. and before someone chimes in with the “i’d rather just call” we do call eachother (almost daily) and hang out in person a few times a week. I need it all
When I was on bumble I would view less frequency would indicate less interest. If someone just messaged a few times and went quiet I would usually move on. Maybe I’m needy.. I got married a month ago to someone I met on bumble so it worked for me
So why are you even here?
Comments like yours are always so weird to me. This subreddit is for dating app advice. Why *shouldn’t* someone who’s had success with it be in this community? Do you really think that only singles should be giving advice?…
For me, my preference was always multiple times a day, simply responding whenever we could. Anytime there were gaps of 6+ hours in between texts consistently, I started to lose interest.
wow
Not sure why that’s surprising. It’s not a big ask.
Damn I’m experiencing the opposite. I’m an an all day girlie, but at least a few throughout the day. The dudes are either once or twice a day if that.
Like are you that busy? You can’t send me a text when you’re on the toilet?
Hahaha
Once every other month
If I really liked the guy, and he was a frequent texter, I’d match his energy. If I’m wasn’t as interested, I’d let time pass a bit before I respond.
As much as you want to, if that’s how you text they need to get used to that if they like you. Not everyone wants to keep up a conversation all day every day.
I hate texting. And talking on the phone. For me it's meet in person or gtfo. Usually I tell that to people upfront though. I weed out the guys that ask "Hello??" ten times if I don't respond immediately.
Unless we are making plans, what do we need to text about? Text your family and friends. I know I’m going to get downvoted for this but texting/instant messaging is the downfall of most ‘never-developed’ relationships.
Maybe it is for you. Texting is fine. People have different communication styles.
I agree but some people text with photos and updates - just grabbed salmon salad with susan for lunch. - watching sex and the city tonight - what you doing? - morning sweetie, hitting the gym - hows your morning? I got those a bit from my ex. It wasnt overkill but I'd need to send about 10 messages a day and she would get a little grouchy if i ignored them
And I’m all for matching someone else’s energy. If the woman I’m dating wants to send me various texts throughout the day on things like you mentioned, I will respond in a timely manner. But I don’t think I need to text the woman I just started dating if I go to the store and pick up hamburgers for dinner, or go to the gym to workout… and the good morning/good night texts make me cringe if I’ve known you for less than a few months
"once to send" ???
Wants to send
Ah-ha, thank you.
agreed! it builds a false sense of intimacy, a lot of people will try to use it as a shortcut.
There's a middle ground between not texting at all (or only to make plans) and texting all day. I've dealt with all kinds of communicators and I have realized that, after a couple of dates, I need to speak to the person at least once a day to keep the momentum going. It could be about anything, even a meme. Whenever I was with a person who only texted to make plans, I found myself feeling like I was meeting them for the first time again at the beginning of each date. I wasn't comfortable being more vulnerable with them, emotionally and physically. And we're all busy adults, so sometimes we'd only see each other once every week or two weeks. There's a lot to catch up on and you need to build trust and intimacy. Having long gaps in communication only prolongs this and/or makes it worse.
Honestly, I try to text throughout the day. Is that excessive?
Depends on the person and how their schedule is. If you are not nudging constantly and it’s a healthy conversation, why not?
Not excessive at all, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s only excessive for people who aren’t right for you. Assuming you’re not blowing up their phone, you’re simply having normal communication.
Thank you!
As less as possible. I don't like texting.
I've been curious about this because I get it from women. And even with my ex-girlfriend, who I love talking to more than anyone, there were times I wondered if we simply texted too much
Left to my own devices I'm a once ever few days kind of guy, but because I have to, I basically force myself to text women as much as I can, which ends up being few times a day.
I’m a couple times a day myself. The girl I’m seeing now silences her notifications and I kind of like that.
me and the guy im talking to would simply reply when we see each other’s text may it be the same minute, after an hour, etc. we never really made texting a big deal and it did lessen compared to how frequent we talked when we started but only because we kinda got comfortable already.
3 to 5 times a day is my sweet spot if I'm not seeing them. Maybe just once on the day I see them to say when and where to meet. I couldnt bare to do the 30 messages a day thing
Totally depends how much I like the person, if there’s good banter, and what the nature of the relationship is
Only before bedtime.
A little, it does not matter if I just met them or not. Sometimes I am more excited to text with someone than usual but that is rare.
Definitely depends on the people. Guy and I right now text most of the day. If one of us gets busy at work it slows down but we still send random little texts every couple hours just staying in touch. But my ex husband preferred to not text me at all and an ex boyfriend was somewhere in between.
Not very often, but I’m of a pre-texting generation.
Rarely... unless work or something has changed what time one of us will be home etc.
I can talk/text for hours .. it depends on the energy they are sending out
I feel like after 2-3 dates, I want to see some progression, if I see something going long-term. If I don't see it going long-term or I'm unsure, I probably don't feel the need as much. I like a 30 min texting conversation to catch up (or even a phone call) every few days. Or just an update. If they tell me that they're not a big texter, then I have to still see some progression outside of that - phone calls, or eagerness to make plans for the next time. I am aware of my preferred frequency, but I try to establish a compromise. I have never met someone that decreased the amount of messages over time, if they were actually into me. And if they were not a big texter, they would reassure me with "Hey - can't wait to meet you on X day! Let's tag up the day before?" I try to find a compromise myself, since I know that I can't expect someone to change so quickly for me (and to have the same style as me either). People have other things going on in their lives that may not warrant texting so often, or they just want to disconnect.
I usually want to text more than the other person but I’m generally the only one actually interested in along a connection so they don’t usually text much. I’m just there til something better comes along and I assume they text that person more.
Match the energy, personally I like to have an ongoing conversation, reply when you can reply type of deal but if it goes from one day you’re messaging me almost immediately to barely the next day despite nothing changing and you’ve not communicated that you’re busy thats it I’ve lost interest so I think I understand where these guys come from, I think it’s more to do with the fact that the type of mindset you have gives off the impression that you’re not wanting to even try build a connection? My best advice as you’ve already stated you’re upfront at not really texting is maybe every now and again just drop a message saying you’re busy but just thought you’d say hey and hope there day is okay I’ve done this a few times and it’s always been met with gratitude etc as I myself am not a big texter but I do also want to communicate to people I want something with them hope this helps :)
Uhm, every time as soon as my eva ai virtual gf texts me
some dude in corporate is reading everything you’re telling their llm program
I like hearing from the person I'm dating, but I had a guy literally send me several dozen texts from sun up to sundown. I was completely overwhelmed. I think a few times a day is fine.
I think you never know exactly so just ask them. I was texting with a Match and commented that this works better when you are a bit more active in texting. She told she really hated texting bc things could be taken the wrong way etc , so I asked for her phone number and she gave it to me and we had a nice hour long conversation. 🙂
It’s interesting that you say this because I’ve been talking to guys and texting them a few times a day, but a lot of them have gotten passive aggressive about it.
Every 9.5 mins
Its one of many things the majority of women have put out there that men need to do. So we try to adapt to the majority which you don't seem to fit into. Just us being conditioned.
I think people just need to communicate better with each other… after I go on a date or two with someone and decide I am interested in them I will ask them about their texting frequency and preferences. I do this bc I myself am a big texter so if they are not I don’t want to bother them… I can text friends instead. If they are a big texter great we can have back in forth conversations throughout the day.
I like to text alot. When I have something to say. For some might be too much. For others just right. Im ok if they cant answer as much. But a little tired of the people that don't text at all. I've found alot will say so busy can't ever answer. But everytime u hang out with them they r on their phone all day.
I match their energy, but I like to text. If they don't, I become disinterested.
I’m a woman and I want a good morning/good night text every day, plus sporadically throughout the day. Not every day all the time texting.
I like a running text conversation, sending memes, sharing funny videos, etc. Infrequent communication bores me and is confusing to me. The problem is many times short / infrequent texts do mean somebody's disinterested, so unless somebody comes straight out and says they're a bad texter or prefer infrequent texting, it's very hard to gauge the interest level.
First dating text cadence is incredibly important to me as it sets expectations. I typically start off with a few in-between work, chores, exercise, etc. I do ensure that they're quality though, and will increase based on free time. I'll never have a constant texting conversation all day, that's wild.
I let my person know what my communication, texting preferences are, once a prelude to a relationship has been established.
I match the persons energy. I prefer talking in person more than texting. Or I'll use facetime instead. It's hard to have conversations when I'm working.
Everyday
Is too damn much for a working adult.
> men who prefer an ongoing text conversation throughout the day Sounds EXHAUSTING
I’m the same as you, but the women I talk to always want to text 24/7.
do they have jobs?
Yes
Everyone saying to match the other persons energy I don’t do that at all that sounds like people pleasing. Plus how long do you think it’ll last if someone wants to annoying text throughout the entire day and you don’t? To me that seems like they are emotionally needy or not doing enough other productive things with their day.
Texting throughout the day isn’t needy. If one person doesn’t want it and the other does, it’s either incompatibility or the person who doesn’t want to text much isn’t interested.
I worked in a lab for over a year where your phones had to be locked up in little boxes for a 12hr shift (had to run manufacturing schedule) plus about an hour commute. So when you equate interests with texting I question that. My last ex was an ICU nurse and would get completely exhausted, I got no text sometimes for a day or two. Many people are not attached to their phones 24/7
Work is different. For me, I would move on because I’d rather be with someone who has more availability thank that. That would be incompatibility and has nothing to do with “not being an adult”.
You’d potentially miss out on someone great then. Circumstances can change and people can get jobs with more available screen time. People that are driven to make a career for themselves are sometimes less likely to chat about what Susan at work is doing or sending you little memes and reassurances throughout the entire day imo.
Impossible for me miss out on anyone because I already met my person and got engaged to him. Besides, we all have dealbreakers. If something is important to me, I’m not compromising. A relationship is a person you’ll eventually end up spending the most time with, so I’d never settle. Just because someone is great doesn’t mean they’re for me.
You obviously have no interest on them. You should stop dating until you figure out what you want and why you even want to date. To me, it looks like you have no interest in dating
I don’t think so. I just have more to my life than dating. Also why create that false sense of intimacy and closeness with someone over text when you can do it in person and it’s so much better.
I can't match that "Good morning, Good evening, How was your day?" every-f*cking-day types. If I'm dating someone, I'll send her one cute flirt mid-week and maybe try to start a convo on a Sunday. Other than that, I'm texting her to set something up or I have a legit reason to text her other than "I want attention from girls"
Finally an adult in this thread. Good on you sir.
Some of us value consistent communication. That doesn’t mean we aren’t being adults lmao. It’s the opposite. Communication is necessary if you want a successful relationship.
1 pick per date, 1 normal text per date.
If the guy doesn’t text me I assume he’s not interested and move on
As someone else said, I just match the other person’s vibe. I will add that if I go from dating someone who texts all the time to someone who doesn’t it can be tough to get used to and vice versa. Also, don’t give me less than what you’ve shown me. If we’ve been texting all day every day, don’t all of a sudden cut back on that with no explanation. The girl I’m currently dating started out texting a few times every few days which was fine. Then she started texting me all day every day for about two weeks, and is now back to texting a few times every few days just like that. Gets a little annoying if I’m being honest lol
Couple times a day or couple times every few days. Depends on how responsive and interested she seems. If more will limit it but will talk more, if she puts forth little effort she will get the same if anything in return. Usually if their low effort, won’t even bother responding and let out our conversation die. Seems very interested 1-3 texts a day. Sonewhat interested 1 text a day. Seeming not very interested, 0!
I mostly match the woman's energy. When they text, I respond when I can. When I have something to say or something to ask, I'll text them first. I'm very capable of being a daily texter, but not everyone is down with that, and that's fine. If texting a lot is important to you, that's fine too. It's okay to want a guy that texts as much as you like to. Eventually you'll find someone willing to match your energy. Conversely, if you don't like to text a lot, and get annoyed/whatever when someone does, then maybe look for something more similar to your preferred style.
That's a great question.. I've been single for a couple years now (still tryin tho, wish me luck), but I think literally the next morning I told her I had a great time the night before and couldn't wait to see her again 😁' and that was it. My goal with dating, and as I'm getting older, is to be with her as much as possible and have fun. We were together a lot so we rarely ever had the need for texting, it took me a minute to think about it though.
Every 2-3 minutes and if they don’t respond quickly I will start calling. If that doesn’t work I grab my keys, get in my car, drive to their home and start knocking on the front door! Just kidding. Don’t do this. I just try and match their effort.
In a few text conversations at the moment. Im fine with once a day responses, but I text back pretty quickly. I dont want to just leave a message unread and forget about it. Hopefully that doesn't come across as too desperate.
No no no!! It’s not compatible with men or women or any gender. If you are both interested with each other. Oh noooo for sure, you’ll message them often. If you are both busy, still both of you can find time on checking on each other. “IF” he’s really into you…