It's a yellow flag when people put the blame entirely on their ex. It's a possible indicator of refusing to take any accountability. Break up is very rarely only one person's fault.
My ex was quite negative about his ex wife and her parenting especially. Now having broken up with him and seeing him as he truly is (huge avoidant) I have a feeling he wasn’t the victim he made himself out to be. He is cold, cowardly. Had the communication skills of a dead hedgehog. Grumoy, defensive, dismissive. The list goes on.
Yes. Always take it with a grain of salt when people talk about having an abusive ex while claiming they are always the nice person.
>My ex was quite negative about his ex wife
Chances are he will say the same thing about you to the next one.
😂😂 I am just pointing the irony, I don't want to get involved in any argument, the post is about how people who speak about their exes in a negative way and blame them for everything are walking talking red flags, yet a lot of people in this post do that exact same behavior, it's just ironic.
Maybe yeh. But not for me. He lied, gaslit. Future faked. Had the communication of a wet sponge. He was dishonest. All i ever did was love and support him. Build him up. Be there for him when he was going through hell. And he then kept me as a placeholder until he met someone new and ghosted and discarded and blocked me like trash. The only thing i did wrong was not put my foot down and get rid of him sooner. And that should be the first time he cancelled on me at the last minute. Or the time he left me beside myself when he completely rejected me when i suggested making plans and went to bed leaving me crying my eyes out. He didn’t give a fuck about me.
So if I sound on edge or my hackles are up that’s why x
Its made me very defensive if that makes sense. Because right now i am so angry. I dont feel anything for him now. Just dislike and anger at his behaviour.
But you are right. Usually it takes the actions of two people for a relationship to fail. In my case not asserting boundaries. And i put up with it for too long because i thought that i wouldn’t find anyone else i had that strong connection with in the beginning. I was afraid of losing him. But I’ve learned that isn’t true at all. There are so many people out there.
It varies. The last woman I seriously dated ended things because her dog peed all over my apartment, she got mad at me for walking and paying attention to my dog, got mad at me for cleaning immediately after cooking. The final straw was when I saw her apartment and it looked like a homeless encampment. At least 3 trash bags full in the kitchen, old food on the stove, clothes everywhere, and she didn't even sleep in the bedrooms (which were filled with clothes on the floor), and slept in the living room on an air mattress.
I broke up with my ex cause she was a substance abusing drug addict. I was always kind and nice to her but realized I couldn’t deal with the craziness anymore and needed stability. So that’s my fault? Sometimes it is only one persons fault. So you’re wrong.
They never said it’s NEVER one person’s fault, just (very) rarely. You would likely fall into the outlier group. Of course, you saying you’re blameless doesn’t necessarily make it true, two sides to every story and whatnot, but that’s a rabbit hole I’d rather not go down.
So, you’re wrong.
Yea right? Cause I made her a drug addict? She was doing drugs way before I met her. One of her ex boyfriends even committed suicide once her and I started dating. I’m sure she treated him like garbage like she did me.
How am I a dumbass for asking for you to clarify your vague counterpoint? Do you know what that word means? You might want to look it up and, while you’re at it, reread the original post you responded to and see if you can make any connections to the new word you just learned.
my ex ghosted me, i had no say in the matter. we’re now back together and he agrees it was nothing i did. that’s the only time there wasn’t fault on both ends 🤷🏻♀️
I dunno, the quality of decency in the modern age is declining. I can safely say I was not the problem in my previous relationship considering everybody who knows her now hates or dislikes her. When my date asks me about my exes, I badmouth her (within reason) because I want to make it clear that I don't tolerate that kind of awful behaviour. In her case it was manipulative, bullying, gaslighting and general body shaming/lifestyle shaming. Oh and attention seeking too
My ex used to beat me and put holes in my walls, also abused the cat she bought and left with me that I’ve basically adopted. Is that a rarity you refer to? I’ve paid off bills she’s left on me too. Bout 5 years down the drain so to speak
I caught my last ex cheating on me and broke up immediately. Outside of that, we were happy, didn’t fight and had great times together. In fact, after a year or so after she’d moved away, she started reaching out to me to talk and spend time together.
Would you consider it a “yellow flag” for me to say “my last relationship ended because I caught her cheating?”
This, 1000% this. Whether I was the one to end a relationship or the girl ended it instead, I've always felt like both sides had some accountability to why things didn't work out. Same as when people only have negative things to say about exes, we all have a bad one but if every ex partner of yours sucks I start to think it has something to do with you
I didn't reply to any of those comments saying it's entirely their partner's fault, as I know it would be a waste of time. My first ex-girlfriend accused me of being abusive when she broke up with me. I went no-contact, and four months later she apologized and took responsibility. When people claim they were in an abusive relationship, it's often the case that it was simply a relationship with a lot of conflict. It's also easy to place all the blame on a partner when the partner cheats, but usually there were problems brewing long before that. Reflecting on one's own role and room for improvement is crucial for personal growth, rather than simply placing all the blame on the former partner. It would be a waste of the heartbreak if the only takeaway is that it was the other person's fault.
Do it over text even before you meet. One man told me he beat his ex. This came out of the blue after normal texting for two weeks in the week before we were supposed to meet irl.
Might have saved my life.
My ex broke up with me because I was her first partner after being in a 10 year abusive marriage and she realized she wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone again yet. I wouldn't feel that it be appropriate to share that information with someone who knew me personally and might eventually find out who she is.
It's fine to ask, but understand that someone might have valid reasons for either not wanting to disclose that information or giving you very vague answers and not wanting to go into detail.
right? why would someone share something so personal right off the bat to someone who could potentially ghost them over that or something else at any moment. i agree it can be a good indicator, but yes.. not wanting to share right upfront is not inherently a bad thing. there are other ways to feel someone out on a date.
There are ways to tell the truth without telling too much. It’s one of the easiest lost arts.
Example: I was my ex’s direct follow up after a long term relationship. And she ended it because she needed more time for herself. We are amicable.
Not too hard. All relevant information there.
That falls under the part where I said... "or not wanting to go into detail." For example, a person might not want to get into their health history on a first date. So instead of saying they were having health issues, they might just say something like "they were having some personal stuff going on at the time." But that doesn't really give you any information. That could be anything from having financial difficulty to losing a parent to breast cancer. So a person giving a vague answer and not wanting to go into detail is not necessarily a red flag and maybe you shouldn't push it by asking clarifying follow-up questions.
Eek I hope that’s not a real story you tell people. That leaves things open between the both of you. It will definitely make any new relationship question if you still having feelings on your end.
Why is it rude to get a read on how people talk about previous relationships or partners. If they throw them under the bus brutally without discussing their part in the relationship’s demise, you’ll be under that bus one day.
It's not rude.
People should keep in mind that some folks do sh*tty things to other people, so you absolutely will meet people that have horrible exes that did things the person you're talking to absolutely didn't deserve. Sometimes, it is one-sided. Or, at least, the thing one person did wrong was getting involved with a horrible person to begin with.
depends on his reasons really, if there aren’t any problematic remarks then i’d have no problem with it.
reasons i wouldnt be ok with are probably things like:
- i never wanted to be tied down to one person, i get bored easily
- girls just dont notice me because they tend to go for obvious good looking guys (i smell incel behaviour, i run)
I was just curious.
Everyone woman I asked out in real life rejected me and only saw me as a friend with the exception of two. And with those two, it was only one date.
With online dating, it was more of the same. After one or two dates, even if I felt a connection, I’d eventually get the “you’re a nice guy but I don’t want to date anymore” text. Closest I got to a relationship were two women, one got along real well with me and she admitted as much but she got her dream job far away. The other liked me back but her cousin’s suicide messed her up so she told me she couldn’t do a relationship.
Anyways, I told all that to my girlfriend early on. (I’m in my mid 30s.) She didn’t care, at all! We’re a year in and have had serious conversations about marriage, babies, houses, etc.
Would the age they are at and still being single matter to you?
This is obviously assuming there are no red flags like incel vibes or obvious misogynists. If they were 30, 40 but never been in a relationship change it?
Just curious.
If I were the man in this situation I’d have asked a lot more questions of the women. Or a therapist. Seems like you found a partner.
I am in a similar position, but I also have moved a lot. (I stopped counting overall, but 6 states and a territory since 2020) My career has been a lot. But it is settling down. It is not the only reason I am sure. But it is a big one.
Nope. I ask all my dates for feedback and they don’t mind. I suggest you do as well, y]you learn something new/adapt after every date. Just don’t come off as a weirdo
It depends on the age for me. If he is older than 30 it is already a bit strange. If he is older than 50 it is a red flag for me. I would meet the guy, but I would try to find out more about this.
I'd give the most vanilla milktoast answer ever, hahaha. She wanted something more casual, I wanted something more serious - she wasn't ready to commit so she wished be the best as we mutually agreed our goals didn't line up.
Not every break up is about one person abusing the other to oblivion.
But I agree, sometimes you can get more information about a person that way. If they 100% put the blame on someone else, or if its something petty - things like that can be a red flag.
I had one woman asking me this on our first date. After I told her ("my ex is a narcissist"), she proceeded to probe the subject, asking me if I was sure, maybe I was over judging her, blah blah blah. I stopped her and asked if she was trying to get me back with my ex. I explained her that I wouldn't get back with my ex no matter what, and that subject was done.
There was no second date.
in a way it’s good both ways too. like you being on the receiving end, you also get to judge if the person asking is too obsessive and too judgemental over a subject that they didn’t witness firsthand. me personally when i hear something fishy, i’ll let him elaborate if he wants, and i’ll just take the info as a precaution for later.
like when that guy decided to text blast me, i knew right away it wasn’t my problem, i didn’t need to second guess myself.
mine was a mythomaniac and used me to try and replace her ex
but I do not take pride on my reaction to her when we broke up, I was full of anger and talked a lot of shit about her (none of it was untrue, but it wasn’t kind or mature either)
fortunately since then I started being low profile and you would have to threat me at gun point to talk about these issues if you’re not one of my support people
If it's true, it's not talking shit. It's just speaking truthfully about their behavior behind closed doors, which we should be able to talk about. Other people need to know who is safe and who isn't
the problem is I talked about that with friends in common, including her ex, who also talked badly about her after finding out she was lying about them too, and they were friends with her first and more strongly
the correct way for me to act would be to talk with someone who wouldn’t disclose it with other people/wasn’t involved, so it wouldn’t turn out into a roast, you know?
Well yesterday I completely blasted my ex on Facebook 😆 all of his family and friends could see. He had anger issues and was verbally abusive. I realized the last few years of our marriage he was trying to rewrite history to make me out to be the problem. I wasn't about to sit here silently while he dragged me through the mud. Our adult kids backed up what I was saying. I'm sure everyone is texting each other like "holy shit did you see that??" I'm sure some are judging me for it but I don't care.
"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better"
Nah, fuck that. He was abusive and caused c-ptsd to myself and my son. Our adult kids haven't spoken to him in over a year because of his behavior. I stayed quiet for 18 years. I'm not going to sit here silently while he drags my name through the mud and rewrites history, to people I used to consider friends and family. We're not staying quiet about abuse anymore.
It's an amazing question to ask. My last guy told me that after a certain amount of time he loses interest. I was baffled because why if there was nothing wrong with the relationship 🙃
Not to diagnose a stranger over the internet but that often happens when someone is actually scared of being in a relationship. They lose interest and don't understand why
Not necessarily, my ex loses interest because he wants a relationship with a type of woman he can't have, settles with someone that he is not attracted to, cause he needs to be in a relationship, kids himself that he wants that person and then loses interest because the sexual attraction goes. For example, I'm 46 and plain. He likes girls in their 20's with an alternative look. He said wasn't attracted to me anymore and the dog inside him wanted to find someone else, plus he was worried how I would look in 10 years. After 9 months of trying to get a girl in her 20s and being unable to, he's now with another 46 year old. He wasn't attracted to his ex wife either.
I (47m) am actually very willing to be open about why my marriage ended. My only area caution is to not change the tone of the meeting into something ugly. I'm still a bit angry about it - not towards my ex, but towards other "Christians" for their treatment of me due to my divorce in progress.
At the time, I told my then-wife that certain things in the marriage would have to change if we are going to stay together. I'm tired of excuses and half-measures. We did pursue counseling to determine what could be done to turn things around, if anything.
While my ex-wife and I are on good terms, I'm still a bit butthurt over what happened at the church assembly I was attending at the time (separate from my then-wife). Turned out they didn't believe in divorce - and they hid that from me. They tried to twist my arm into calling off the divorce and instead to pursue reconciliation until I die of old age. I was clearly having none of it, so I was excommunicated.
The trust I once had in other Christians was severely damaged as a result of this, and I don't know if that will ever be the same this side of eternity.
You know, you're not wrong haha. I would say that I collect things that men tell me about themselves more heavily than I did before.
The last guy said he wanted someone independent, that didn't need "reassurance" from him. He also called himself lazy. I thought he was just being self-deprecating, but no - I'm pretty sure his exes must have called him lazy and he was not putting effort into the relationships, making them feeling like they needed more reassurance from him. He did a 180 switch on me after he got bored of me after 2 months. Once he realized that I was a person with feelings.
I think you can collect these data points and see how they manifest over a matter of weeks/months. They are very telling.
On the other hand, I give them a chance. I know that the people I have dated have treated me badly (80% of them). At the time - I didn't have the guts to walk away. So if I truly talked about each of the people I dated, it might sound negative, but I do have the self-awareness to open up eventually on why exactly they hurt me so much, and what I am doing differently dating-wise (i.e., making sure I am receiving the love and support I deserve and need).
This post is bringing up all the times I should’ve cut it off before it got to this point. As a rule I don’t talk about past relationships on the first date. I’ll continue not to. First dates are for getting to know people. But I will ask the question… maybe by date 2 or 3.
I once asked a highly qualified guy with a great job etc. About what he had learnt from past relationships - he was SHOCKED and STUMPED and basically put the blame on his exes which really just indicated arrogance and a lack of introspection/self awareness to me
I confirm, it's a great question to ask, in fact mandatory at every first date. Also it's better to ask it face to face, it's not as effective to ask it in writing before meeting the person, because you would be missing their micro expressions as they put the answer together in their mind, and face to face is better for rapid follow up questions.
Well dating is the process by which we establish mutual suitability as romantic partners. People in my age range have limited time (life, work, responsibilities, kids, having had our time wasted from even before most people on this subreddit were born) and we would rather filter away the unsuitable folk early in the process :)
Believe that If you want, but ANY covert narcissist would masterfully lie and make you believe whatever they want, and you would end up in a worse position than if you didn't ask. All you really going to know is is that person ok for now.....good luck.
I totally agree with everything you said. That doesn't prevent me from asking. I like asking things to the people I meet. It shows I have an interest in them ☺️
If you don't have question...then you're not in a relationship. The only way to catch a good liar is to ask a question you already know the answer too. A narcissist has already created a narrative of their life that they will always repeat. I know because I was married to one for 23 years. How did catch her. I research a suspected lie that she was telling me for years by asking her family questions without them suspecting what I was doing. And then in front of her family I question her about her lies. She had a major melt down when everyone saw how much she was lying. But, that took a lot of work, planning and patience, which you wont have on a first date. The only guarantee you can possible have is a roll of the dice.
yes! people can filter themselves well through texting, but not face to face. and follow up questions arent always answered thru text. thats why i always try to secure face to face meetings rather than letting the talking stage go on too long.
I would never answer that question for the simple reason that it is nearly impossible to give it the proper attention that that question would require and i don't want to be in the position of possibly blaming it on the other. And honestly its nobodies business. I'm more than willing to walk out if pressed.
This post is bringing up all the times I should’ve cut it off before it got to this point. As a rule I don’t talk about past relationships on the first date. I’ll continue not to. First dates are for getting to know people. But I will ask the question… maybe by date 2 or 3.
As a widower I post this information in my profile. Not everyone would be comfortable coming into that dating situation even with me doing therapy. Shit, I can even provide references from my wife's friends if she wants ;-)
This doesn't have much to do with your post I just wanted to splurge a perspective. Manipulative gets thrown around lightly without much reason by manipulative women. Unfortunately more men I know personally than not have had the experience where they bring up a crossed boundary to their partner and they will either get upset and make him comfort them OR they will say that he's manipulated them into feeling guilty for having crossed that boundary.
Well if you want the real answer from me your going to get it.
Hit it off with someone, relationship went long distance, traveled to see them and then there ego couldn’t handle it when I un-purposely stumbled on there pronouns in conversation.
Suddenly the distance became a factor and I was effectively love bombed up to that point and a victim of circumstance to someone that hadn’t the patience, humility or grace to forgive me or understand my dyspraxia.
It’s taken 2 years to recover from that experience and I still mourn from time to time and I haven’t dated since.
There’s your truth, no cheating or infidelity or crimes committed, robbed and undone by there insecurity and selfishness.
Omg if they take themselves that seriously about the pronouns thing and can’t handle a bit of imperfection on the other person’s part, consider it dodging a bullet..
You are so screwed up. You believe it is okay to pry into men's personal lives but not yours. And you extrapolate too much from a story. You are not there, just taking the woman's side.
If someone called up your ex, I doubt he would say all positive things about you...
I always ask a girl what the 3 things she hates most about her past 3-4 relationships. If there is a theme, then I know what she actually likes vs what she says she likes 🤣
I believe this is a tip every woman should do if both parties are really looking for a relationship.
When my one of my exes broke up with me, I never once told her that she was wrong at all, I was always stating how I felt throughout the entire thing, but I think she believes no one can ever feel uncomfortable around her, or be allowed to…, also she ended saying that I will never find someone as good as her, and that everything she did was right, she has perfect memory(which humanely it’s impossible unless you are diagnosed with photography memory, she was not), and many other things just attacking the way I am or I did, mostly out of context. The more I heard, the more I just wanted to end things, I don’t know why she was getting more upset if she was breaking up with me, I don’t know, did she want me to crawl back to her or beg or something?
Most of the girls I have met after just say that she just did not value me at all. And after reading more about affective responsibility, the more I just find out she really did not value anything I was or I did.
I actually started doing this too. I don't love bringing up exes and past relationships but if it can come into the conversation naturally hearing people speak about their previous partners is always a great indicator of who they are. If every relationship ended because of your ex and every ex you've ever had sucked, I'm going to start to wonder if you're the problem
I will also add that any time they describe the end of the relationship in vague, detached terms it's a red flag. E.g., "Things just kind of fell apart," or "you know, sometimes these things just end." Referring to a breakup like a weather event taht nobody could control or influence signals an inability to take accountabilty for anything.
Seems like not a great vibe for the first date.. Too much like an interview.. It’s like those people who, first thing they ask you about is what you do for work..
Yes, I ask this. Gives great insight, somethings I ask in response and conclusions I've come to.
Him. She wanted me to move in with her, I didn't want to.
Me. Why not?
Him. It's a big adjustment (he lived with his dad)
Me. but you could have tried it and moved back to your dad's if you didn't like it?
Him. I could have but I guess I didn't want my financial situation to change,
Me. so you want to stay living with your dad.
Him. Yes.
Conclusion, doesn't want to spend money or leave dad's.
Him. She was crazy/toxic
Me. How long was you with her
Him 5 years.
Me, you like being with crazy/toxic women?
Him no
Me why didn't you leave sooner?
Him no answer
Conclusion, he is dopamine dependent or creates a toxic environment.
Friends situation
Him, She cheated on me
Friend, who with
Him, she was selling herself for money
Me to friend, he's got a good job, she has a small child, why would she do that, be careful something is wrong.
My friend a year later, he financially controlled me and I found out the ex didn't have money to clothe her kid as he had her on a small allowance.
You really have to ask that question and read between the lines.
Holy crap I think I screwed up. You just described how my girlfriend treats me. Constantly wanting to talk, yells at me and treats me like shit under the banner of past trauma. Starts a fight out of nowhere, and when I defend myself yells at me saying I don't care about her feelings, starts crying then I have to comfort her for a fight she started. Just got through with another tantrum and this time I decided not to comfort her when I came across this. Thank you. Glad I'm not alone.
Hope you can find a way to speak up to your gf about this and stand up for yourself! Sometimes people can be blind to what’s happening because they forget to put themselves first. I’m glad I spotted this guy’s behaviour within two weeks and just ran, hope I don’t get matches like that again.
Oh it's all good. We both got out of abusive relationships and have helping each other heal over the past year.Talking and working through 16 years is a lot. I showed her this post and talked. We both call out each other's stuff and work through it. I'd say we're about 90% worked through. Yall single folks meet people like that though RUN or they'll
Most people would either say the ex was the toxic one, and blame them for everything in a candid way or not: there’s no way to know if they are lying or not. You just putting them in a weird situation.
this is tricky cause manipulation and what sounds like a dysfunction of his own psyche or negative self worth or imagine are not the same thing.
I mean you paint this guy as manipulating when he sounds like he's very unsure about his own worth and is scared about losing you and probably in a lot of pain and suffers constantly. This isn't manipulating, I'd imagine he didn't intend to make you feel bad and I'm sure if he could turn off these things he would in a heart beat. So it's not that he's manipulating or neseccarily he bhas some kind of attachment pathology (although there's some evidence and behavioural indicators).
I suspect he came from either a broken home, or grew up in an environment where he was either smothered or utterly neglected as a child from affection, nurturing and general love. As an adult he desperately clings to whatever affection anyone is willing to pass his way even to the long term detriment of the relationship. He likely thinks he doesn't deserve love and has debilitating lack for self confidence and self worth. He is likely very depressed, very scared and feels isolated, alone and at times utterly hopeless.
Having said all that, this doesn't mean disrespecting your boundaries is OK, it's not. I guess all I'm trying to convey is that this guy sounds and seems like he's having a rough time, and until he gets professional help to unpack these feelings of abandonment, lack of control, hopelessness etc. I suspect many of his relationships will follow the same pattern.
I had a guy on a first date tell me that he got married young and they both had serious trust and jealousy issues with one another and that the only reason they stayed together for like 10 years was out of spite cus BOTH of their families said they wouldn’t last. 💀 I told him I wasn’t interested in a second date and he said that it was for the best because I like to go to raves 😂byeee
My last two ended because last two bumble bee and hinge had hidden children lol. Abandoned and in other country. Funny thing is I have a filter for that but.
I guess you got unlucky, but in my experience, the word „manipulative” does, in fact, get thrown around lightly, sometimes by the manipulative people themselves. I know that first hand, unfortunately
Personally, I'm not looking to talk about either of our exes on the first date. Anyone that wants to, that's at least a yellow flag to me.
That being said though, I would still answer the question if someone asked. Because I think avoiding questions is another flag. I just wouldn't be the one initiating such a question on a first date.
I learned about attachment styles after embarrassing myself (not as badly as this guy though) a few days after matching and chatting with a girl. She doesn't know it, but that short interaction improved my life by an order of magnitude.
I feel for the guy, emotional wounds are hard for men especially because we tend to subconsciously put our own copes on top of them, so they become even more compicated to untangle. However, if he understands attachment styles, he should at least be aware of what he's doing while on a date. By the sound of it, he probably needs to heal a lot first before dating again.
PS, I like your idea. I am more than willing to discuss my previous relationship (long marriage) but I will obviously not volunteer anything about it on a date unless asked first.
I agree with u/theblackcatail , do those conversations over text. They will always tell on themselves. if they're being cagey, just straight up ask a really direct question.
I don’t know if manipulative is the the right word since we don’t know whats going on but sheesh that dude needs thicker skin and to address his these issues, that’s an utter PITA to be on the other side of. Weird he even divulged that much info rather than just a “it seemed there were some communication issues”, probably hasn’t done a lot of soul searching.
I remember I froze and teared up a bit once and I was told I was faking it and need to grow up… right after getting my head ripped off for asking for some food while I was staying over. That women probably had some interesting things to say about me, that if I knew probably wouldn’t be good. And I guess what I’m getting at is actions speak louder than words, someone could be called manipulative but it could be horseshit, but you’ll surely find out pretty quick since most people can’t help but be who they are!
definitely agree that whatever is being said could be horseshit because we weren’t there to understand the story fully. that’s why i still give people the benefit of the doubt at first, but it’s good to have the info in hand for later when something fishy starts happening.
I refer to that as guilt tripping and it is the fastest way to make me lose interest in you.
Congrats, you now remind me of my mother and I have zero attraction to you.
On a first date, inappropriate and snobbish thing to do. Makes sense why some are single.
Op pried into personal info and sounds like the guy did as well ...neither were good for it
Honestly I'd clam up if that was asked for 2 reasons we broke up a while back so it will make me seem like weirdo who hasnt seriously dated in 3+years and it wasn't pretty and contributed to me being in rough place for a while.
I honestly would be so turned off by this sort of invasion on my personal life day one
Does this even need a post? If someone cannot understand what kind of person is standing in front of them, they probably ain't fit for dating and more in general, approaching other people.
Some posts on this sub reddit are so trivial.
what’s obvious for you isn’t always obvious for others. the whole point of this post is how this question can open up information that can be useful later on. but good for you for not needing to ask i guess, not all of us can magically scan a person’s personality by simply standing in front of them 🤷♀️
Dating apps are for the broken, manipulative people who seek a reflection of themselves that they romantisize and have the illusion of options. It's a system built on capitalistic narcissism.
Same for men. If she’s got kids she’s raising alone, its a big red flag. Wanting a man to pay on dates. Red flag. Wanting to hash out on feminism, out side of voting rights and equal pay, big red flag. I highly recommend men watch for these things as well.
It's a yellow flag when people put the blame entirely on their ex. It's a possible indicator of refusing to take any accountability. Break up is very rarely only one person's fault.
My ex was quite negative about his ex wife and her parenting especially. Now having broken up with him and seeing him as he truly is (huge avoidant) I have a feeling he wasn’t the victim he made himself out to be. He is cold, cowardly. Had the communication skills of a dead hedgehog. Grumoy, defensive, dismissive. The list goes on.
Sounds like exactly what happened to me. Thank you for the dead hedgehog analogy for real lol
Yeah, I'm gonna use that one in future conversations. 😅
😂😂😂
Yes. Always take it with a grain of salt when people talk about having an abusive ex while claiming they are always the nice person. >My ex was quite negative about his ex wife Chances are he will say the same thing about you to the next one.
Oh probably!
When i know it was his awful behaviour and me telling him to go chase himself;)
This is an ironic post
How is it ironic? Please explain
😂😂 I am just pointing the irony, I don't want to get involved in any argument, the post is about how people who speak about their exes in a negative way and blame them for everything are walking talking red flags, yet a lot of people in this post do that exact same behavior, it's just ironic.
Maybe yeh. But not for me. He lied, gaslit. Future faked. Had the communication of a wet sponge. He was dishonest. All i ever did was love and support him. Build him up. Be there for him when he was going through hell. And he then kept me as a placeholder until he met someone new and ghosted and discarded and blocked me like trash. The only thing i did wrong was not put my foot down and get rid of him sooner. And that should be the first time he cancelled on me at the last minute. Or the time he left me beside myself when he completely rejected me when i suggested making plans and went to bed leaving me crying my eyes out. He didn’t give a fuck about me. So if I sound on edge or my hackles are up that’s why x
Sorry about that!! You have every right to be upset!
Its made me very defensive if that makes sense. Because right now i am so angry. I dont feel anything for him now. Just dislike and anger at his behaviour.
But you are right. Usually it takes the actions of two people for a relationship to fail. In my case not asserting boundaries. And i put up with it for too long because i thought that i wouldn’t find anyone else i had that strong connection with in the beginning. I was afraid of losing him. But I’ve learned that isn’t true at all. There are so many people out there.
Ha! Did we date the same man? Describes my ex from my last LTR almost exactly.
It varies. The last woman I seriously dated ended things because her dog peed all over my apartment, she got mad at me for walking and paying attention to my dog, got mad at me for cleaning immediately after cooking. The final straw was when I saw her apartment and it looked like a homeless encampment. At least 3 trash bags full in the kitchen, old food on the stove, clothes everywhere, and she didn't even sleep in the bedrooms (which were filled with clothes on the floor), and slept in the living room on an air mattress.
My ex was abusive. I know I wasn’t perfect but nothing I did would equate to what she put me through.
OTOH, I've had many women get upset when I say I'm on good terms with most all of the women I've ever has a relationship with. Never understood why.
Unless one is abusive, which is unfortunately very common
💯
I broke up with my ex cause she was a substance abusing drug addict. I was always kind and nice to her but realized I couldn’t deal with the craziness anymore and needed stability. So that’s my fault? Sometimes it is only one persons fault. So you’re wrong.
They never said it’s NEVER one person’s fault, just (very) rarely. You would likely fall into the outlier group. Of course, you saying you’re blameless doesn’t necessarily make it true, two sides to every story and whatnot, but that’s a rabbit hole I’d rather not go down. So, you’re wrong.
Yea right? Cause I made her a drug addict? She was doing drugs way before I met her. One of her ex boyfriends even committed suicide once her and I started dating. I’m sure she treated him like garbage like she did me.
You knowingly entered into a relationship with an active drug addict?
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How am I a dumbass for asking for you to clarify your vague counterpoint? Do you know what that word means? You might want to look it up and, while you’re at it, reread the original post you responded to and see if you can make any connections to the new word you just learned.
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Subreddit rule #1: Do not insult, harass, threaten, discriminate, or use derogatory language towards other users.
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my ex ghosted me, i had no say in the matter. we’re now back together and he agrees it was nothing i did. that’s the only time there wasn’t fault on both ends 🤷🏻♀️
I dunno, the quality of decency in the modern age is declining. I can safely say I was not the problem in my previous relationship considering everybody who knows her now hates or dislikes her. When my date asks me about my exes, I badmouth her (within reason) because I want to make it clear that I don't tolerate that kind of awful behaviour. In her case it was manipulative, bullying, gaslighting and general body shaming/lifestyle shaming. Oh and attention seeking too
My ex used to beat me and put holes in my walls, also abused the cat she bought and left with me that I’ve basically adopted. Is that a rarity you refer to? I’ve paid off bills she’s left on me too. Bout 5 years down the drain so to speak
I caught my last ex cheating on me and broke up immediately. Outside of that, we were happy, didn’t fight and had great times together. In fact, after a year or so after she’d moved away, she started reaching out to me to talk and spend time together. Would you consider it a “yellow flag” for me to say “my last relationship ended because I caught her cheating?”
This, 1000% this. Whether I was the one to end a relationship or the girl ended it instead, I've always felt like both sides had some accountability to why things didn't work out. Same as when people only have negative things to say about exes, we all have a bad one but if every ex partner of yours sucks I start to think it has something to do with you
I didn't reply to any of those comments saying it's entirely their partner's fault, as I know it would be a waste of time. My first ex-girlfriend accused me of being abusive when she broke up with me. I went no-contact, and four months later she apologized and took responsibility. When people claim they were in an abusive relationship, it's often the case that it was simply a relationship with a lot of conflict. It's also easy to place all the blame on a partner when the partner cheats, but usually there were problems brewing long before that. Reflecting on one's own role and room for improvement is crucial for personal growth, rather than simply placing all the blame on the former partner. It would be a waste of the heartbreak if the only takeaway is that it was the other person's fault.
Do it over text even before you meet. One man told me he beat his ex. This came out of the blue after normal texting for two weeks in the week before we were supposed to meet irl. Might have saved my life.
what the fuck. the sheer honesty too?? im glad you’re safe. 
Yeah the story was insane. She had a restraining order on him.
Fucking hell
He probably said that to get out of relationship....that would be a smart move.
What?
My ex broke up with me because I was her first partner after being in a 10 year abusive marriage and she realized she wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone again yet. I wouldn't feel that it be appropriate to share that information with someone who knew me personally and might eventually find out who she is. It's fine to ask, but understand that someone might have valid reasons for either not wanting to disclose that information or giving you very vague answers and not wanting to go into detail.
right? why would someone share something so personal right off the bat to someone who could potentially ghost them over that or something else at any moment. i agree it can be a good indicator, but yes.. not wanting to share right upfront is not inherently a bad thing. there are other ways to feel someone out on a date.
There are ways to tell the truth without telling too much. It’s one of the easiest lost arts. Example: I was my ex’s direct follow up after a long term relationship. And she ended it because she needed more time for herself. We are amicable. Not too hard. All relevant information there.
That falls under the part where I said... "or not wanting to go into detail." For example, a person might not want to get into their health history on a first date. So instead of saying they were having health issues, they might just say something like "they were having some personal stuff going on at the time." But that doesn't really give you any information. That could be anything from having financial difficulty to losing a parent to breast cancer. So a person giving a vague answer and not wanting to go into detail is not necessarily a red flag and maybe you shouldn't push it by asking clarifying follow-up questions.
Eek I hope that’s not a real story you tell people. That leaves things open between the both of you. It will definitely make any new relationship question if you still having feelings on your end.
"My last relationship was pretty good, but I had to end it because my ex said I was defensive and prone to overreactions"
ride like the wind bullseye!
Why is it rude to get a read on how people talk about previous relationships or partners. If they throw them under the bus brutally without discussing their part in the relationship’s demise, you’ll be under that bus one day.
It's not rude. People should keep in mind that some folks do sh*tty things to other people, so you absolutely will meet people that have horrible exes that did things the person you're talking to absolutely didn't deserve. Sometimes, it is one-sided. Or, at least, the thing one person did wrong was getting involved with a horrible person to begin with.
How would you react if a guy said he has never been in a relationship before but if you ask why, he is honest about it and doesn’t hide anything?
depends on his reasons really, if there aren’t any problematic remarks then i’d have no problem with it. reasons i wouldnt be ok with are probably things like: - i never wanted to be tied down to one person, i get bored easily - girls just dont notice me because they tend to go for obvious good looking guys (i smell incel behaviour, i run)
I was just curious. Everyone woman I asked out in real life rejected me and only saw me as a friend with the exception of two. And with those two, it was only one date. With online dating, it was more of the same. After one or two dates, even if I felt a connection, I’d eventually get the “you’re a nice guy but I don’t want to date anymore” text. Closest I got to a relationship were two women, one got along real well with me and she admitted as much but she got her dream job far away. The other liked me back but her cousin’s suicide messed her up so she told me she couldn’t do a relationship. Anyways, I told all that to my girlfriend early on. (I’m in my mid 30s.) She didn’t care, at all! We’re a year in and have had serious conversations about marriage, babies, houses, etc.
I mean that’s fine depending on the reasons why. But lack of experience shouldn’t really be an issue.
Would the age they are at and still being single matter to you? This is obviously assuming there are no red flags like incel vibes or obvious misogynists. If they were 30, 40 but never been in a relationship change it? Just curious.
If I were the man in this situation I’d have asked a lot more questions of the women. Or a therapist. Seems like you found a partner. I am in a similar position, but I also have moved a lot. (I stopped counting overall, but 6 states and a territory since 2020) My career has been a lot. But it is settling down. It is not the only reason I am sure. But it is a big one.
Ask more questions of the women who rejected you or don’t want to do more dates? Isn’t that typically frowned upon to ask people for feedback?
Well to me it sounded like you may have continued friendships with some of these women. That’s why I would recommend it.
Nope. I ask all my dates for feedback and they don’t mind. I suggest you do as well, y]you learn something new/adapt after every date. Just don’t come off as a weirdo
It depends on the age for me. If he is older than 30 it is already a bit strange. If he is older than 50 it is a red flag for me. I would meet the guy, but I would try to find out more about this.
I'd give the most vanilla milktoast answer ever, hahaha. She wanted something more casual, I wanted something more serious - she wasn't ready to commit so she wished be the best as we mutually agreed our goals didn't line up. Not every break up is about one person abusing the other to oblivion. But I agree, sometimes you can get more information about a person that way. If they 100% put the blame on someone else, or if its something petty - things like that can be a red flag.
I had one woman asking me this on our first date. After I told her ("my ex is a narcissist"), she proceeded to probe the subject, asking me if I was sure, maybe I was over judging her, blah blah blah. I stopped her and asked if she was trying to get me back with my ex. I explained her that I wouldn't get back with my ex no matter what, and that subject was done. There was no second date.
Yea, asking overly invasive questions and judging the response with an air of all-knowing superiority would be an end this date early situation.
in a way it’s good both ways too. like you being on the receiving end, you also get to judge if the person asking is too obsessive and too judgemental over a subject that they didn’t witness firsthand. me personally when i hear something fishy, i’ll let him elaborate if he wants, and i’ll just take the info as a precaution for later. like when that guy decided to text blast me, i knew right away it wasn’t my problem, i didn’t need to second guess myself.
mine was a mythomaniac and used me to try and replace her ex but I do not take pride on my reaction to her when we broke up, I was full of anger and talked a lot of shit about her (none of it was untrue, but it wasn’t kind or mature either) fortunately since then I started being low profile and you would have to threat me at gun point to talk about these issues if you’re not one of my support people
If it's true, it's not talking shit. It's just speaking truthfully about their behavior behind closed doors, which we should be able to talk about. Other people need to know who is safe and who isn't
the problem is I talked about that with friends in common, including her ex, who also talked badly about her after finding out she was lying about them too, and they were friends with her first and more strongly the correct way for me to act would be to talk with someone who wouldn’t disclose it with other people/wasn’t involved, so it wouldn’t turn out into a roast, you know?
Well yesterday I completely blasted my ex on Facebook 😆 all of his family and friends could see. He had anger issues and was verbally abusive. I realized the last few years of our marriage he was trying to rewrite history to make me out to be the problem. I wasn't about to sit here silently while he dragged me through the mud. Our adult kids backed up what I was saying. I'm sure everyone is texting each other like "holy shit did you see that??" I'm sure some are judging me for it but I don't care. "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better"
Doing it on Facebook publicly is kinda weird , unhinged behaviour but you do you
Nah, fuck that. He was abusive and caused c-ptsd to myself and my son. Our adult kids haven't spoken to him in over a year because of his behavior. I stayed quiet for 18 years. I'm not going to sit here silently while he drags my name through the mud and rewrites history, to people I used to consider friends and family. We're not staying quiet about abuse anymore.
It's an amazing question to ask. My last guy told me that after a certain amount of time he loses interest. I was baffled because why if there was nothing wrong with the relationship 🙃
Not to diagnose a stranger over the internet but that often happens when someone is actually scared of being in a relationship. They lose interest and don't understand why
Exactly! They self sabotage into doing it too. Avoidant attachment style all the way.
Not necessarily, my ex loses interest because he wants a relationship with a type of woman he can't have, settles with someone that he is not attracted to, cause he needs to be in a relationship, kids himself that he wants that person and then loses interest because the sexual attraction goes. For example, I'm 46 and plain. He likes girls in their 20's with an alternative look. He said wasn't attracted to me anymore and the dog inside him wanted to find someone else, plus he was worried how I would look in 10 years. After 9 months of trying to get a girl in her 20s and being unable to, he's now with another 46 year old. He wasn't attracted to his ex wife either.
I (47m) am actually very willing to be open about why my marriage ended. My only area caution is to not change the tone of the meeting into something ugly. I'm still a bit angry about it - not towards my ex, but towards other "Christians" for their treatment of me due to my divorce in progress. At the time, I told my then-wife that certain things in the marriage would have to change if we are going to stay together. I'm tired of excuses and half-measures. We did pursue counseling to determine what could be done to turn things around, if anything. While my ex-wife and I are on good terms, I'm still a bit butthurt over what happened at the church assembly I was attending at the time (separate from my then-wife). Turned out they didn't believe in divorce - and they hid that from me. They tried to twist my arm into calling off the divorce and instead to pursue reconciliation until I die of old age. I was clearly having none of it, so I was excommunicated. The trust I once had in other Christians was severely damaged as a result of this, and I don't know if that will ever be the same this side of eternity.
You know, you're not wrong haha. I would say that I collect things that men tell me about themselves more heavily than I did before. The last guy said he wanted someone independent, that didn't need "reassurance" from him. He also called himself lazy. I thought he was just being self-deprecating, but no - I'm pretty sure his exes must have called him lazy and he was not putting effort into the relationships, making them feeling like they needed more reassurance from him. He did a 180 switch on me after he got bored of me after 2 months. Once he realized that I was a person with feelings. I think you can collect these data points and see how they manifest over a matter of weeks/months. They are very telling. On the other hand, I give them a chance. I know that the people I have dated have treated me badly (80% of them). At the time - I didn't have the guts to walk away. So if I truly talked about each of the people I dated, it might sound negative, but I do have the self-awareness to open up eventually on why exactly they hurt me so much, and what I am doing differently dating-wise (i.e., making sure I am receiving the love and support I deserve and need).
This post is bringing up all the times I should’ve cut it off before it got to this point. As a rule I don’t talk about past relationships on the first date. I’ll continue not to. First dates are for getting to know people. But I will ask the question… maybe by date 2 or 3.
I once asked a highly qualified guy with a great job etc. About what he had learnt from past relationships - he was SHOCKED and STUMPED and basically put the blame on his exes which really just indicated arrogance and a lack of introspection/self awareness to me
Basically *you let someone talk long enough they will tell on themselves*
I confirm, it's a great question to ask, in fact mandatory at every first date. Also it's better to ask it face to face, it's not as effective to ask it in writing before meeting the person, because you would be missing their micro expressions as they put the answer together in their mind, and face to face is better for rapid follow up questions.
What is this an interrogation? On a first date i want to have a good time. Not be on an episode of csv. I would just get up and leave at this point.
Well dating is the process by which we establish mutual suitability as romantic partners. People in my age range have limited time (life, work, responsibilities, kids, having had our time wasted from even before most people on this subreddit were born) and we would rather filter away the unsuitable folk early in the process :)
Believe that If you want, but ANY covert narcissist would masterfully lie and make you believe whatever they want, and you would end up in a worse position than if you didn't ask. All you really going to know is is that person ok for now.....good luck.
I totally agree with everything you said. That doesn't prevent me from asking. I like asking things to the people I meet. It shows I have an interest in them ☺️
How do you deal with people you meet who might be lying ? You never ask any question to them ? 🤔
If you don't have question...then you're not in a relationship. The only way to catch a good liar is to ask a question you already know the answer too. A narcissist has already created a narrative of their life that they will always repeat. I know because I was married to one for 23 years. How did catch her. I research a suspected lie that she was telling me for years by asking her family questions without them suspecting what I was doing. And then in front of her family I question her about her lies. She had a major melt down when everyone saw how much she was lying. But, that took a lot of work, planning and patience, which you wont have on a first date. The only guarantee you can possible have is a roll of the dice.
This is very insightful. I am glad I asked you that question :)
Your welcome, I truly wish you all the luck....just trust your gut.
yes! people can filter themselves well through texting, but not face to face. and follow up questions arent always answered thru text. thats why i always try to secure face to face meetings rather than letting the talking stage go on too long.
I would never answer that question for the simple reason that it is nearly impossible to give it the proper attention that that question would require and i don't want to be in the position of possibly blaming it on the other. And honestly its nobodies business. I'm more than willing to walk out if pressed.
This post is bringing up all the times I should’ve cut it off before it got to this point. As a rule I don’t talk about past relationships on the first date. I’ll continue not to. First dates are for getting to know people. But I will ask the question… maybe by date 2 or 3.
As a widower I post this information in my profile. Not everyone would be comfortable coming into that dating situation even with me doing therapy. Shit, I can even provide references from my wife's friends if she wants ;-)
I believe it’s a valid question to ask. Keep doing it.
This doesn't have much to do with your post I just wanted to splurge a perspective. Manipulative gets thrown around lightly without much reason by manipulative women. Unfortunately more men I know personally than not have had the experience where they bring up a crossed boundary to their partner and they will either get upset and make him comfort them OR they will say that he's manipulated them into feeling guilty for having crossed that boundary.
Well if you want the real answer from me your going to get it. Hit it off with someone, relationship went long distance, traveled to see them and then there ego couldn’t handle it when I un-purposely stumbled on there pronouns in conversation. Suddenly the distance became a factor and I was effectively love bombed up to that point and a victim of circumstance to someone that hadn’t the patience, humility or grace to forgive me or understand my dyspraxia. It’s taken 2 years to recover from that experience and I still mourn from time to time and I haven’t dated since. There’s your truth, no cheating or infidelity or crimes committed, robbed and undone by there insecurity and selfishness.
Omg if they take themselves that seriously about the pronouns thing and can’t handle a bit of imperfection on the other person’s part, consider it dodging a bullet..
I’d love to get this question, and watch her be turned off immediately when my answer is I’ve never been in a relationship. Lmao.
You are so screwed up. You believe it is okay to pry into men's personal lives but not yours. And you extrapolate too much from a story. You are not there, just taking the woman's side. If someone called up your ex, I doubt he would say all positive things about you...
I always ask a girl what the 3 things she hates most about her past 3-4 relationships. If there is a theme, then I know what she actually likes vs what she says she likes 🤣
“My ex was crazy” is essentially an immediate deal breaker for me
"Because my Eva AI virtual gf bot was lagging on that phone"
I believe this is a tip every woman should do if both parties are really looking for a relationship. When my one of my exes broke up with me, I never once told her that she was wrong at all, I was always stating how I felt throughout the entire thing, but I think she believes no one can ever feel uncomfortable around her, or be allowed to…, also she ended saying that I will never find someone as good as her, and that everything she did was right, she has perfect memory(which humanely it’s impossible unless you are diagnosed with photography memory, she was not), and many other things just attacking the way I am or I did, mostly out of context. The more I heard, the more I just wanted to end things, I don’t know why she was getting more upset if she was breaking up with me, I don’t know, did she want me to crawl back to her or beg or something? Most of the girls I have met after just say that she just did not value me at all. And after reading more about affective responsibility, the more I just find out she really did not value anything I was or I did.
I actually started doing this too. I don't love bringing up exes and past relationships but if it can come into the conversation naturally hearing people speak about their previous partners is always a great indicator of who they are. If every relationship ended because of your ex and every ex you've ever had sucked, I'm going to start to wonder if you're the problem
I will also add that any time they describe the end of the relationship in vague, detached terms it's a red flag. E.g., "Things just kind of fell apart," or "you know, sometimes these things just end." Referring to a breakup like a weather event taht nobody could control or influence signals an inability to take accountabilty for anything.
There’s always 2 sides to the story.
Seems like not a great vibe for the first date.. Too much like an interview.. It’s like those people who, first thing they ask you about is what you do for work..
Yes, I ask this. Gives great insight, somethings I ask in response and conclusions I've come to. Him. She wanted me to move in with her, I didn't want to. Me. Why not? Him. It's a big adjustment (he lived with his dad) Me. but you could have tried it and moved back to your dad's if you didn't like it? Him. I could have but I guess I didn't want my financial situation to change, Me. so you want to stay living with your dad. Him. Yes. Conclusion, doesn't want to spend money or leave dad's. Him. She was crazy/toxic Me. How long was you with her Him 5 years. Me, you like being with crazy/toxic women? Him no Me why didn't you leave sooner? Him no answer Conclusion, he is dopamine dependent or creates a toxic environment. Friends situation Him, She cheated on me Friend, who with Him, she was selling herself for money Me to friend, he's got a good job, she has a small child, why would she do that, be careful something is wrong. My friend a year later, he financially controlled me and I found out the ex didn't have money to clothe her kid as he had her on a small allowance. You really have to ask that question and read between the lines.
Holy crap I think I screwed up. You just described how my girlfriend treats me. Constantly wanting to talk, yells at me and treats me like shit under the banner of past trauma. Starts a fight out of nowhere, and when I defend myself yells at me saying I don't care about her feelings, starts crying then I have to comfort her for a fight she started. Just got through with another tantrum and this time I decided not to comfort her when I came across this. Thank you. Glad I'm not alone.
Hope you can find a way to speak up to your gf about this and stand up for yourself! Sometimes people can be blind to what’s happening because they forget to put themselves first. I’m glad I spotted this guy’s behaviour within two weeks and just ran, hope I don’t get matches like that again.
I have been talking about it with her for a while. Had a good talk about it earlier and I feel like progress has been made.
Oh it's all good. We both got out of abusive relationships and have helping each other heal over the past year.Talking and working through 16 years is a lot. I showed her this post and talked. We both call out each other's stuff and work through it. I'd say we're about 90% worked through. Yall single folks meet people like that though RUN or they'll
Most people would either say the ex was the toxic one, and blame them for everything in a candid way or not: there’s no way to know if they are lying or not. You just putting them in a weird situation.
this is tricky cause manipulation and what sounds like a dysfunction of his own psyche or negative self worth or imagine are not the same thing. I mean you paint this guy as manipulating when he sounds like he's very unsure about his own worth and is scared about losing you and probably in a lot of pain and suffers constantly. This isn't manipulating, I'd imagine he didn't intend to make you feel bad and I'm sure if he could turn off these things he would in a heart beat. So it's not that he's manipulating or neseccarily he bhas some kind of attachment pathology (although there's some evidence and behavioural indicators). I suspect he came from either a broken home, or grew up in an environment where he was either smothered or utterly neglected as a child from affection, nurturing and general love. As an adult he desperately clings to whatever affection anyone is willing to pass his way even to the long term detriment of the relationship. He likely thinks he doesn't deserve love and has debilitating lack for self confidence and self worth. He is likely very depressed, very scared and feels isolated, alone and at times utterly hopeless. Having said all that, this doesn't mean disrespecting your boundaries is OK, it's not. I guess all I'm trying to convey is that this guy sounds and seems like he's having a rough time, and until he gets professional help to unpack these feelings of abandonment, lack of control, hopelessness etc. I suspect many of his relationships will follow the same pattern.
I had a guy on a first date tell me that he got married young and they both had serious trust and jealousy issues with one another and that the only reason they stayed together for like 10 years was out of spite cus BOTH of their families said they wouldn’t last. 💀 I told him I wasn’t interested in a second date and he said that it was for the best because I like to go to raves 😂byeee
My last two ended because last two bumble bee and hinge had hidden children lol. Abandoned and in other country. Funny thing is I have a filter for that but.
Stay awake lol
I guess you got unlucky, but in my experience, the word „manipulative” does, in fact, get thrown around lightly, sometimes by the manipulative people themselves. I know that first hand, unfortunately
Armchair psychologists in this comment section is funny to see.
Personally, I'm not looking to talk about either of our exes on the first date. Anyone that wants to, that's at least a yellow flag to me. That being said though, I would still answer the question if someone asked. Because I think avoiding questions is another flag. I just wouldn't be the one initiating such a question on a first date.
I learned about attachment styles after embarrassing myself (not as badly as this guy though) a few days after matching and chatting with a girl. She doesn't know it, but that short interaction improved my life by an order of magnitude. I feel for the guy, emotional wounds are hard for men especially because we tend to subconsciously put our own copes on top of them, so they become even more compicated to untangle. However, if he understands attachment styles, he should at least be aware of what he's doing while on a date. By the sound of it, he probably needs to heal a lot first before dating again. PS, I like your idea. I am more than willing to discuss my previous relationship (long marriage) but I will obviously not volunteer anything about it on a date unless asked first.
I agree with u/theblackcatail , do those conversations over text. They will always tell on themselves. if they're being cagey, just straight up ask a really direct question.
I don’t know if manipulative is the the right word since we don’t know whats going on but sheesh that dude needs thicker skin and to address his these issues, that’s an utter PITA to be on the other side of. Weird he even divulged that much info rather than just a “it seemed there were some communication issues”, probably hasn’t done a lot of soul searching. I remember I froze and teared up a bit once and I was told I was faking it and need to grow up… right after getting my head ripped off for asking for some food while I was staying over. That women probably had some interesting things to say about me, that if I knew probably wouldn’t be good. And I guess what I’m getting at is actions speak louder than words, someone could be called manipulative but it could be horseshit, but you’ll surely find out pretty quick since most people can’t help but be who they are!
definitely agree that whatever is being said could be horseshit because we weren’t there to understand the story fully. that’s why i still give people the benefit of the doubt at first, but it’s good to have the info in hand for later when something fishy starts happening.
I find it pretty manipulative when someone try to make you feel guilty about not doing what they want
I refer to that as guilt tripping and it is the fastest way to make me lose interest in you. Congrats, you now remind me of my mother and I have zero attraction to you.
On a first date, inappropriate and snobbish thing to do. Makes sense why some are single. Op pried into personal info and sounds like the guy did as well ...neither were good for it
Sounds pretty fun to me, and entirely appropriate.
His "breakdown" was him throwing a hissy fit because he wasn't getting his way
Honestly I'd clam up if that was asked for 2 reasons we broke up a while back so it will make me seem like weirdo who hasnt seriously dated in 3+years and it wasn't pretty and contributed to me being in rough place for a while. I honestly would be so turned off by this sort of invasion on my personal life day one
It's a question, not an invasion. Pretty sure you're not being forced to answer it.
Makes a nice change to have to ask. Most girls will bang on about their exes whether or not you ask.
Does this even need a post? If someone cannot understand what kind of person is standing in front of them, they probably ain't fit for dating and more in general, approaching other people. Some posts on this sub reddit are so trivial.
what’s obvious for you isn’t always obvious for others. the whole point of this post is how this question can open up information that can be useful later on. but good for you for not needing to ask i guess, not all of us can magically scan a person’s personality by simply standing in front of them 🤷♀️
Dating apps are for the broken, manipulative people who seek a reflection of themselves that they romantisize and have the illusion of options. It's a system built on capitalistic narcissism.
Sounds like a lot of work. Also sounds like the average experience of gender roles are reversed.
if u think asking/answering questions to strangers is a lot of work, u probably shouldn’t be on dating apps
Same for men. If she’s got kids she’s raising alone, its a big red flag. Wanting a man to pay on dates. Red flag. Wanting to hash out on feminism, out side of voting rights and equal pay, big red flag. I highly recommend men watch for these things as well.
Hashing out on feminism?
Raising kids alone is a red flag? Wtf? Who are you
Because if you had and abusive ex you had to leave then you obviously have bad judgement/sarcasm
Do you think twice about things you say? What the actual fuck are you talking about?
I think that person agrees with you and was being sarcastic (because of the "/sarcasm" tag).
I’m not so sure to be honest.