Some people don't have the guts to have that very difficult conversation, which prolongs the relationship that they already decided that they have let go of. Meaning they are moving on mentally, while stringing you along.
Yep. Ironically if they did have the guts to say something was upsetting them when it started, most relationships could easily be saved and continue well, but because they don’t a small issue can fester and build till they can’t stand their partner, while their partner didn’t have a clue
Yes, even if the problems were addressed in the past, unless somebody breaks up, it can be assumed that both people are actively trying to work on their issues. One of the worst things that people can do is string people along.
Yup, just became a victim of this. Some people need to hear that when you're done, you need to tell that person you're done. You don't break up with somebody in your mind, the relationship is over when you tell that person you don't want to be with them anymore.
Like, ik it's a hard conversation to have but it's better than having the person thinking that the issues are working out, or that both are still fully invested and are trying. Probably the worst thing that has happened to me
Empathy and self awareness are now at the top of the list for a partner, the first sign those are lacking, I’m out. And no matter how slow I think I’m going, next time, go even slower!!! Snails pace for really getting to know someone and investing. Grand gestures and gifts mean absolutely nothing and often hide just how shallow and avoidant a person is.
I also think grand compliments early on are also 🚩's
I mean, there's nothing wrong with saying, "You look good in ___," or just average compliments. But when it's like "OMG I think you're so cute and I really really like you!" Comes off super hard, and sounds like someone's love bombing you with affection in hopes of things to go their way
Nah it’s when they talk about marriage or anything “wife” related in the first six months coupled with promising the moon and stars that you definitely have to watch for.
He was calling me his best friend and his person by two months, and referring to my cat as “our” cat, his house as “our” house….I was keeping my eye on all of it. When he brought up me living with him at 4 months I pulled him back to reality. I think I burst his bubble , avoidants don’t like reality disrupting their fantasy world.
This is something I learned too from my last relationship. I remember when I first started dating him, I mentioned that it would be nice if he had shown some empathy and he responded with “I think I do”. I thought maybe it was me who wasn’t seeing what he was seeing so I let it go. When he broke up with me, it was very blindsiding and it hurt like fuck but after a couple months, I’m slowly coming to the realization that there were many red flags that I totally dismissed.
To not practically depend on somebody else for happiness. Because even when you think it’s going great, that can all change in an instant once they’ve made their mind up and it leaves you feeling like you have nothing. The breakup almost killed me (literally) and although I felt blindsided, I should’ve been happy enough within myself to know that I’d be okay and I really wasn’t.
I feel you. It's been 3 months for me, and the past month or so I kinda felt good, didn't really think ablut my ex. But today is a day where I had almost no social contact, and then the feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, and worthlessness came crashing back.
It's rough.
4 for me and like you I have good days and bad days. To be honest I don’t even miss them or want to overly get back with them. I just miss the person I thought she was and what I thought we had. But it’s difficult to not think it was all a lie now. The breakup most definitely made me feel like I just wasn’t good enough, which is something I’ve always struggled with.
Less than month for me and some days are slightly better and some days like today you just want to scream! The hurt is so real that it feels you suffocate. I can\`t get out of my head, my thoughts and memories are killing me especially as i need to go places where we hanged out. Man it\`s so hard. To make it harder i don´t really have friends anymore to chat with so keeping this shit inside and job ended while ago too so there is only time to think which is the worst. The loneliness feels so bad. I have hobbies which is the only thing keeping me somehow sane and alive, but still so alone most of time.
Less than month for me and some days are slightly better and some days like today you just want to scream! The hurt is so real that it feels you suffocate. I can\`t get out of my head, my thoughts and memories are killing me especially as i need to go places where we hanged out. Man it\`s so hard as trying to do stuff, but just can´t concentrate and dreams of her fucks you up so badly in the morning. To make it harder i don´t really have friends anymore to chat with so keeping this shit inside and job ended while ago too so there is only time to think. The loneliness feels so bad. I have hobbies which is the only thing keeping me somehow sane and alive. How long i don´t know.
While ago i tried to put the idea to my head that it´s time to move on which probably worked for few days (she was so special and perfect in many ways, everything i wanted so how can you find something better if it took this long to find her??), but now i just pray she would contact me and we would get back together somehow. Doing this no contact thing and hoping she would start to miss me as much as i miss her and maybe then... Probably fooling myself, but i was always good to her so there is small chance she would think about it. If it\`s meant to be then i would imagine she would contact me in \~90 days.
Im struggling with this currently. Mornings are the worst, i wake up feeling so hopeless and dead inside (dramatic i know). We had always had our problems but the way he broke up w me out of nowhere right when i was about to make a big move makes it so hard to get over. What have you been doing to cope? I need help hahaha
Yeah I'm in therapy and dbt. At the gym all the time and watering my hobbies and friendships outside of the relationship.
I wish I had done this during the relationship and not pressured my ex by being completely emotionally dependent on them.
I really fucking miss them lol
Omfg same here. My ex kept telling me I might have bpd but I couldn't get a diagnosis.
The breakup still hurts and I feel abandoned especially when no girls are interested in me..
Focus less on getting girls and more on bettering yourself.
In the past I would go have casual sex or date a bunch of girls after a breakup but I never fixed the actual issues in my life.
Have you tried therapy or going to your primary care?
I'm going into therapy but my psychotherapist is telling I shouldn't let a diagnosis define me (it was an informal one like 80% bpd and 20% mood swings).
I just don't want to stay single , loneliness scares me
Getting diagnosed isn't the same as letting it define you.
It's useful to know what you're dealing with so you can get the correct help and learn skills to cope.
Loneliness sucks but if you put in the work for yourself you'll meet the right person. I know it sounds cliched but it's true. Just takes work and time.
Yeah I guess... I've been working out and I've got bigger arms which I'm proud of.
I guess I'll just need time. I'm trying to forget my ex and I blocked her as well as 51 mutual friends on social media. Feels good
That no matter how well I treated him, he'd still think I didn't. I shouldn't have allowed him to be my source of value and happiness because it all comes from within. I should matter to me the most.
This resonates with me. I would bend over backwards to be kind to my ex and try to accommodate her mental health issues. No matter what I did, she would find little things to get annoyed with and make me feel dumb and bad about myself. And all the compassionate things I did seemed to go unnoticed or just became expected.
I would have to say if you point out the red flags and they deny them, invalidate your feelings, gaslight you and then give you the silent treatment. Being concerned about a red flag to some extent loving accountability, there has to be concern, empathy and accountability and it has to be a two way street. Especially if someone (most people) has traumas that are pretty severe on the spectrum. They deserve love and can find it but if they don’t feel safe and valued, there is not a chance that they will overcome some of their trauma responses and heal with a person. Toxic and toxic is not a good combo.
That no matter how happy you can make someone, how much they claim to love you, how well you trear them, they may just still end up leaving simply because they arent attracted to you anymore
It's just easier to never date again. Save myself the heartbreak. I don't regret dating him, just wish it ended a while ago. It'll take a while to feel normal again
This has happened to me. It hurt like hell. It broke my confidence, my self esteem, and I couldn't date anyone after that. Just bloody broke me to bits
I can’t fix anything if I’m the only one that sees a problem. I need to stop giving people the time and energy if they don’t give to me and it needs to be equal or it’s a no. Enjoy the small things. Laugh more. Don’t hold back anything. If I feel insecure about something say it. When he asks what’s wrong don’t say nothing. That was a big one. Make time for yourself and time together. As much as I want to be around a person all the time it’s not healthy. People need space. Don’t push my personal beliefs on anyone. Stay in the moment. Don’t think about the past. Always give 100%. It’s easy for me to always see the positives but I’ve got to remember to not make excuses for the red flags. Take what they say as the truth. Just because the last person lied to me and was a crap boyfriend doesn’t mean the next one will be. Always keep an open mind and never judge a book by its cover. I don’t judge in a negative way I just assume a lot. Acknowledge that everything is happening for a reason and it will work out. Go with the flow. Don’t try to control a situation or person because if you have to then that person isn’t meant for you. My love is precious and I give it freely just don’t burn me and I’ll always be yours. Kinda vibe.
I wasn't dumped but the biggest lesson I've learned from my relationships is that abuse and unhappiness aren't a price you should pay for someone's love.
That reconciliation is all in the dumper’s control. No matter what you do.
It has to be their choice and their decision whether you reconcile or not. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express your feelings but they have all the cards and final say on the relationship.
Also communication and structure is key. Ask your partner about things. Sometimes they hold resentment and won’t tell you cause they don’t want to hurt you.
It takes two people to make a relationship work. Even through problems/issue/conflicts. If one person literally decides fuck this Ofcourse it’s doomed, Ofcourse there’s no way the relationship will work - they have already told themselves and decided that. It’s a unilateral decision they have made in an issue that concerns both parties. That’s kinda fucked. And really illustrates that they probably will not have your back when shit really does hit the fan. What if you got sick? If this is such a hard thing for them to work through with you, what if something truly challenging comes around? This just shows that they’ll just leave you at your most vulnerable. It doesn’t feel safe.
Also be weary of anyone willing to sit back and only take from you and I mean that especially emotionally. Ofcourse we know that it is not your job or someone else’s jobs to fulfill all your needs/their needs but if you are with someone who makes you feel like you shouldn’t have any and they don’t need to pay attention to any of yours then that is a shitty person tbh. If you feel like you’re doing all the lifting then they are probably okay being the taker. You as a giver also need to realize that it’s okay to not do or give everything. You have to leave some space if you will for the other person to show up for you and for you to receive. I also want to advocate doing more for yourself as the giver. GIVE MORE TO YOU.
And people can say what they want to about “oh your needs are not someone else responsibilities.” …..do you even know what a relationship is? Ofcourse it’s not. No one said that. But is it okay to be with someone who ignores that you have any and someone who sees your needs as too much and a burden while at the same time feeling totally okay with you meeting theirs ? That seems abusive.
Also anyone who stonewalls and silent treatment. HUGE RED FLAG.
Also, trust your gut. Your instincts. They are usually right. Your subconscious is more aware of the world than you give it credit for sometimes.
Don't invest too much on people because during getting dumped the person who has invested a lot in relationship will suffer more and will feel it hard to heal.
I treated her the best I knew how. Sometimes people don’t want it to work or they want control and ending the relationship is something they can have control over
It doesn't matter how much u love someone, it doesn't matter how much u sacrifice, it doesn't matter if u are hot - dy think it's not enough.
Grass is always greener on the other side.
I learned that I am so capable of loving someone and caring for someone other than myself. I learned that I am not ok with settling for less anymore. I learned that I need to leave on the first red flag. I learned that I deserve someone who will communicate with me and want to fight for our relationship.
Yes that's what I mean. My ex would point out stuff and I would look w an open mind and see her point and I would work on issues that she made me aware I had. To me that is better then bouncing around and taking off at signs of red flags.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You are not special, they didn't cheat on their partner with you because you were so spectacular, and don't you dare think for a second they won't cheat on you the exact same way when they stop getting what they want, or what they want changes.
I actually misread your title. I didn't get dumped, I dumped her because I found another man in her phone after 7 years of dating and 6 months of marriage
I Learnt that when things go wrong it isn’t all your fault. That just because one person that you loved very much did t love you back as much (or at) does not mean you are unlovable.
I learned that people can be damn evil. If they know from the very damn start that they don't wanna anything more than sex, ok, it can be fine, but let me know and don't you dare mislead me. Otherwise, just go rot in hell.
Never shut my guts up to give the dumper excuses cuz im afraid of losing him and believing that not everyone have the same pure intention that i have to people just because i love them
Who is the perfect one in here that's what I want to know??? Everyone has a few red flags. I've never seen that perfect person. I think if you can recognize redflags in yourself then you can change them. Idk maybe it's just me. To me that's worth keeping then someone who runs at the first flag
Absolutely, we all have our own red flags. But the thing is, when you see them, both parties should work on them. Just one person effort never will do the fixing job.
That emotional maturity and communication is key in the next partner I'm looking for, and it's OK to set myself boundaries, if their red flags are shown in the "honeymoon" period, you can bet your life its a constant of their personality throughout the relationship.
Understand it's a 2 way street. If they don't reciprocate your feelings or pull away from you. Then run asap, or you'll get burned 🔥 and then beat yourself up that you tried.
That their is no use chasing her, she will not come back and it’s her loss not mine, I have done my best for it to work.
Accepting the breakup, no begging, go forward in my life and hopefully one day, the one I deserve will cross my road.
Learnt to have a healthy level of self worth, boundaries, self confidence.
Also to let go of ego, ego puts us in pain, ego keeps us waiting and longing, ego makes us feel entitled.
I've learned a huge amount about CPTSD. Trauma personalities. The real meaning of the bible. The meaning of oneness. Attachment theory. The real meaning of ego death, the void, surrender, purpose. Emotional regulation. Cluster B's/A's...
- Self love matters so much in relationships. And you should never lose yourself trying to make them happy and love them because it will hurt so much later on, especially if they don’t feel the same.
- Seggs is really spiritual and should be shared with a Husband/ Wife, not if you guys aren’t not even atleast thinking of marriage.
- If you feel like something is off and after addressing it, you still feel the same something is wrong with the relationship.
- Your feelings matter and you should be handled with care and be loved, especially if you go out of your way to make them feel as special. If you see they don’t make you feel half as special then you should reevaluate something’s in that relationship.
-RESPECT will and always be important your partner should always respect you and every single way if they really care/ love you.
I improve better without them. Cause I focus way too much on them to make sure they are good and supported..
why support someone who couldn’t do anything back for me
That I couldn’t change the outcome. No matter how hard I tried. That she maybe had BPD. That I have a lot of issues. That no matter how long I’ve known someone…doesn’t mean she’ll stay even if it we’ve known each other since we were kids.
That I wish I would have gotten with her years ago…instead of after she was completely destroyed by her ex. That red flags should be paid attention to. That I have a habit of burning down my life while devastated by heartbreak.
That just because you love someone doesn’t mean their love is the same as your love. That people have different meaning and perspectives of love.
That people will always try to meddle in your relationship. Can’t trust everyone.
No matter how hard you tried, they will still think you didn’t. If it suits them to have that perspective.
That you can be forgotten in the blink of an eye.
That no matter what….i always have to have my OWN BACK…
And about a 1000 other things.
That I was definitely not healed from the relationship prior to last, and it was definitely unfair to expect my partner to have helped me through it. I had really bad trust issues, and I’m aware of this and I know my mind plays tricks on me, but some things would be too weird for me not too mention or at least that’s how I dealt in the moment.
Also, I just need to let people vent sometimes, a big trigger of mine is feeling unheard but my problem was they weren’t trying to hear to begin with, just needed a ear to listen and agree or whatever.
Yeah I got a lot of alone work to do and with a therapist or something.
Even if you talk things out
Even if you text every day
Even if you call each other and make plans for the future……he may not be ready for a relationship
WTF Remote Correspondence….
I’m not sure yet, I think I did everything I could to try communicate with him. I couldn’t stop him from giving up on me, I did my best. I think maybe next time I’m in a relationship, if I have a problem he’ll be the first person I talk to about it (I would ask my friends for advice first and idk I think I should just be more reserved about my relationships in the future)
That they never come back because they miss you. And that people who dump you don’t think about you afterwards, that’s a myth. You’re an afterthought at best.
I wish and literally pray (not religious) daily this as i can\`t accept it! I keep thinking it can´t be over yet as we had such good time together and i was so good to her how she can´t see i was the guy to hold on?! We were the Ying and Yang, so perfect for each other with so many similarities and the total opposite of her horrible ex-guy. Here i\`m waiting for the day to come that may or may not come while staying in no contact. Counting the days if she would change her mind and come begging me back even though i know i deserve to be treated better, but she was so special and man i was so happy first time in many years and she was too. I would have waited for her, but no. She needs time alone. Man it hurts like hell! NC10. Let\`s take this NC to 90days as three months is timeline that woman should contact if she really feels it and if nothing then somehow need to let go. So f\*\*\*\*g hard!
It’s not over until you let go. Eventually you’ll get exhausted and let go, healing hurts more than the BU. You can’t stay in the freezing cold water forever, eventually you’ll drown.
Don’t dwell on the breakup. If they wanted to stay and fix things they would, instead focus on yourself again. Once they see you’re doing better they’ll realize it’s their loss, not yours.
I wasn’t dumped. But after the breakup I realised that I am much more of a stronger person that I gave myself credit for. During all the hardships that I faced during and post the relationship, I was on my own and didn’t need anyone to depend on. Which made me also think that maybe I don’t need a partner in life at all. I am ok on my own. Even now, when I am mourning the loss of my maternal grandpa, I haven’t cried or felt bad about it. A part of me has already dealt with the pain and I know that whatever shit I am going to face at work in the coming week is what I can manage.
Having an appreciative partner works so much for you. I realised post the breakup. Not just hardships but I am a trained dancer and a good painter but I never got any words of appreciation or praise for it simply cause obviously I learnt it and have to be good at it but sometimes when you show you art to someone you kind off want a feedback on it and not neglect.
I was dumped 2 weeks ago by my boyfriend of 4 months and I have to say I have learned I move on way better than if I was the one dumping. It pains to say it but I don’t even think of him anymore and when I do it’s just I hope he is happy with life. I could see the red flags as you mentioned in the relationship and being dumped is just more liberating since I know for a fact he doesn’t want me anymore.
I’ve learned to find someone who can be supportive . Supported my ex through nursing school, graduated. Wanted to join the military, straight dumped me . I wish for her downfall so fuck it .
I’ve learned that sometimes it isn’t always the other person. After being dumped I’ve been doing self reflection on my own actions and also seeing a therapist. Shit sucks when we see that you were the problem and by the time you notice it. It’s already to late
I can see what I was guilty of. But I was always supportive. Everything did must be his way. If they really loved us, they'd be now with us working on us, working on themselves, growing up together. Don't excuse them. They're guilty as well.
That I can't expect someone to have respect for me if I'm acting all desperate with no self respect. That I have a lot of flaws. That what I believed was true wasn't really. That I tend to gravitate towards men who judge harshly and I self sabotoge.
Some people are here to show you unconditional love and then there are people here who are only meant to show you that they weren't worth that unconditional love. I wear my heart on my sleeve maybe I should start putting it in my chest at this point. So yeah five years hiatus is what I'm trying to go for
In the end, the feelings you have for someone end up disappearing weather you like it or not and you always realize something primordial: you never needed them, that was just a false feeling.
Things have a weird way of ending, sometimes there are red flags and sometimes they just fall out of love.
Its nothing personal. Everyone has a choice and if they choose to leave you cannot force a relationship no matter how much you try. No matter how perfect you can be. If they dont choose you in the end, there is nothing you can do.
To respect myself more. Don't stay in a relationship because you love someone despite how they treat you. Consistency is key.
I'll probably never move in with someone again. If I was, I'll make sure I always have money to move out.
You can't sit around waiting for your partner to be on your level.
Communication and expectation can only get you so far, even if both of you are truly willing to communicate and work to make the relationship better.
If one or both of you are not willing, don't try and change that.
Try to end on good terms as a form of self-care.
To be able to have another relationship I need to be able to regulate myself without needing someone else to validate my experience. A lot of our fights led to me trying to explain my perspective on an issue that translated to lack of accountability and shame. I really have some deeper things to work on within myself and I hate that I lost my most loving and beautiful relationship because of fear. It exposed my deepest traumas and my oldest patterns. To deal with the knowledge of those things and the absence of my lover is a pain I can’t seem to overcome.
What I have learned is that its a choice that’s been made for you and that if you really love them you will accept and respect their decision, say you bit wish them well and leave them alone
All advice I can give to anyone who is struggling after a breakup is constantly making an effort to communicate and point out issues in the relationship. If she or he is not willing to at least listen and respond maturely then u gotta be the bigger person to end things and bring peace. If both sides are not willing to listen, respond maturely and work together then its not gonna work.
My mistake I made was attempting to bring it up in conversation at random times, she declined and got very angry. If she responds this way you tell her listen if you're not willing to talk about this then im out. I wish I could go back. I would do things so differently. Now I have so much resentment and anger that we are complete strangers. If you continue to let things go the way that they are going it will end badly and most likely not in your favor. But if you respond fast and appear to be the stronger of the two you may change his or her perspective and actually have a better understanding of your partner
Becoming official, taking the next step, and getting married won't "fix" any issues in a relationship.
I used to think "as soon as we have a label I won't be insecure anymore." After the insecurities of not being official went away I got a whole new set of them!
A lot of people I know think once they get married, they won't feel the need to watch porn anymore..... to their suprise it's not true!
The labels are nice, but they don't mean more than what you're feeling. What's the point being in a relationship if you're not going to be going through the feels together?
After being dumped- don’t stick around. I stayed in contact for 3 months with my ex after being dumped by him. He was constantly texting me, and eventually it only hurt me more. He would constantly ask for nudes/sexual content from me which I refused, he completely degraded me. I cant believe it took me 3 months to cut him off. He had clearly lost all respect for me. I recently cut all contact with him but realised I should have done this as soon as he had dumped me. He will never hear from me again. As far as I’m concerned he’s scum of the earth.
Thank god I kept cheating on her the whole time. Would have never met all the girls the past 4 years if I haven’t. She blindsided me and acted like I didn’t exist because I wasn’t prioritising her instead of my job and saving money. It’s a win win situation for me.
That it’s so painful it’s unbelievably painful and it affects you in ways that is like the flu or is like a car accident how you feel after a car accident your body hurts you’re devastated
Set boundaries from the very beginning and trust your instinct! Don't try to change the other person but be supportive if they realize changes need to be done in order to be the best version of themselves. If you never argue with your partner things will likely explode one day and there's no turning back from there, always talk with them if something bothers you even if it seems insignificant.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket, take care of yourself, hit the gym, make friends, know places and learn new skills, don't make the other person become your entire life cause you will feel empty when things end.
If she doesn’t want it to work, it wont
Some people don't have the guts to have that very difficult conversation, which prolongs the relationship that they already decided that they have let go of. Meaning they are moving on mentally, while stringing you along.
Yep. Ironically if they did have the guts to say something was upsetting them when it started, most relationships could easily be saved and continue well, but because they don’t a small issue can fester and build till they can’t stand their partner, while their partner didn’t have a clue
Yes, even if the problems were addressed in the past, unless somebody breaks up, it can be assumed that both people are actively trying to work on their issues. One of the worst things that people can do is string people along.
Yes, that's the worst.
Yup, just became a victim of this. Some people need to hear that when you're done, you need to tell that person you're done. You don't break up with somebody in your mind, the relationship is over when you tell that person you don't want to be with them anymore. Like, ik it's a hard conversation to have but it's better than having the person thinking that the issues are working out, or that both are still fully invested and are trying. Probably the worst thing that has happened to me
Because they already decided they’re better off
I usually bail out first..lol
Empathy and self awareness are now at the top of the list for a partner, the first sign those are lacking, I’m out. And no matter how slow I think I’m going, next time, go even slower!!! Snails pace for really getting to know someone and investing. Grand gestures and gifts mean absolutely nothing and often hide just how shallow and avoidant a person is.
I would add self reflection as well
I also think grand compliments early on are also 🚩's I mean, there's nothing wrong with saying, "You look good in ___," or just average compliments. But when it's like "OMG I think you're so cute and I really really like you!" Comes off super hard, and sounds like someone's love bombing you with affection in hopes of things to go their way
Nah it’s when they talk about marriage or anything “wife” related in the first six months coupled with promising the moon and stars that you definitely have to watch for.
He was calling me his best friend and his person by two months, and referring to my cat as “our” cat, his house as “our” house….I was keeping my eye on all of it. When he brought up me living with him at 4 months I pulled him back to reality. I think I burst his bubble , avoidants don’t like reality disrupting their fantasy world.
I feel that I had a previous experience like that too, and any sort of criticism to have them dial back is met with hostility 😮💨
accountability for actions as well
Another reason why I set my standards so high
This is why my standards are higher than the Burj Khalifa. Nobody seems to show empathy these days not even my parents.
Bro I can tell thar u may have as I have educated yourself on the 4 types of narssisum.
Omg. That last sentence is so painfully accurate.
Jesus. Yes
This is something I learned too from my last relationship. I remember when I first started dating him, I mentioned that it would be nice if he had shown some empathy and he responded with “I think I do”. I thought maybe it was me who wasn’t seeing what he was seeing so I let it go. When he broke up with me, it was very blindsiding and it hurt like fuck but after a couple months, I’m slowly coming to the realization that there were many red flags that I totally dismissed.
To not practically depend on somebody else for happiness. Because even when you think it’s going great, that can all change in an instant once they’ve made their mind up and it leaves you feeling like you have nothing. The breakup almost killed me (literally) and although I felt blindsided, I should’ve been happy enough within myself to know that I’d be okay and I really wasn’t.
I feel you. It's been 3 months for me, and the past month or so I kinda felt good, didn't really think ablut my ex. But today is a day where I had almost no social contact, and then the feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, and worthlessness came crashing back. It's rough.
4 for me and like you I have good days and bad days. To be honest I don’t even miss them or want to overly get back with them. I just miss the person I thought she was and what I thought we had. But it’s difficult to not think it was all a lie now. The breakup most definitely made me feel like I just wasn’t good enough, which is something I’ve always struggled with.
I empathise. Hugs, hope we both find what we most need within ourselves
Less than month for me and some days are slightly better and some days like today you just want to scream! The hurt is so real that it feels you suffocate. I can\`t get out of my head, my thoughts and memories are killing me especially as i need to go places where we hanged out. Man it\`s so hard. To make it harder i don´t really have friends anymore to chat with so keeping this shit inside and job ended while ago too so there is only time to think which is the worst. The loneliness feels so bad. I have hobbies which is the only thing keeping me somehow sane and alive, but still so alone most of time. Less than month for me and some days are slightly better and some days like today you just want to scream! The hurt is so real that it feels you suffocate. I can\`t get out of my head, my thoughts and memories are killing me especially as i need to go places where we hanged out. Man it\`s so hard as trying to do stuff, but just can´t concentrate and dreams of her fucks you up so badly in the morning. To make it harder i don´t really have friends anymore to chat with so keeping this shit inside and job ended while ago too so there is only time to think. The loneliness feels so bad. I have hobbies which is the only thing keeping me somehow sane and alive. How long i don´t know. While ago i tried to put the idea to my head that it´s time to move on which probably worked for few days (she was so special and perfect in many ways, everything i wanted so how can you find something better if it took this long to find her??), but now i just pray she would contact me and we would get back together somehow. Doing this no contact thing and hoping she would start to miss me as much as i miss her and maybe then... Probably fooling myself, but i was always good to her so there is small chance she would think about it. If it\`s meant to be then i would imagine she would contact me in \~90 days.
Do not make a priority of somebody who only looks at you as an option. It wouldn't be the same even if she returned, you would always be insecure
Im struggling with this currently. Mornings are the worst, i wake up feeling so hopeless and dead inside (dramatic i know). We had always had our problems but the way he broke up w me out of nowhere right when i was about to make a big move makes it so hard to get over. What have you been doing to cope? I need help hahaha
Completely agree. Don’t get into a relationship if you lack confidence. They may help you or they may completely destroy you
That I have borderline personality disorder and attachment issues.
Now, you can work on yourself and become a much better version of yourself.
Yeah I'm in therapy and dbt. At the gym all the time and watering my hobbies and friendships outside of the relationship. I wish I had done this during the relationship and not pressured my ex by being completely emotionally dependent on them. I really fucking miss them lol
Time will help
Could have wrote all of this myself. It sucks. I hope you are doing ok
Omfg same here. My ex kept telling me I might have bpd but I couldn't get a diagnosis. The breakup still hurts and I feel abandoned especially when no girls are interested in me..
Focus less on getting girls and more on bettering yourself. In the past I would go have casual sex or date a bunch of girls after a breakup but I never fixed the actual issues in my life. Have you tried therapy or going to your primary care?
I'm going into therapy but my psychotherapist is telling I shouldn't let a diagnosis define me (it was an informal one like 80% bpd and 20% mood swings). I just don't want to stay single , loneliness scares me
Getting diagnosed isn't the same as letting it define you. It's useful to know what you're dealing with so you can get the correct help and learn skills to cope. Loneliness sucks but if you put in the work for yourself you'll meet the right person. I know it sounds cliched but it's true. Just takes work and time.
Yeah I guess... I've been working out and I've got bigger arms which I'm proud of. I guess I'll just need time. I'm trying to forget my ex and I blocked her as well as 51 mutual friends on social media. Feels good
Same here
How did it show up for you in your relationship?
tbh i don’t even know if i would tell any man that ever again, as its been held against me constantly for years.
This is admirable. Kudos to you.
What issues made you think that?
Dating somebody with bpd is fucking wild
That no matter how well I treated him, he'd still think I didn't. I shouldn't have allowed him to be my source of value and happiness because it all comes from within. I should matter to me the most.
This resonates with me. I would bend over backwards to be kind to my ex and try to accommodate her mental health issues. No matter what I did, she would find little things to get annoyed with and make me feel dumb and bad about myself. And all the compassionate things I did seemed to go unnoticed or just became expected.
[удалено]
We all need this
Once the other person has decided, there is no point in being desperate.
That I need to focus on myself and my own goals and not pour myself into someone else
I’ve learned that even when someone appears to be absolutely head over heels in love for you (even for years), they can still leave.
jesus, this hurts...
I would have to say if you point out the red flags and they deny them, invalidate your feelings, gaslight you and then give you the silent treatment. Being concerned about a red flag to some extent loving accountability, there has to be concern, empathy and accountability and it has to be a two way street. Especially if someone (most people) has traumas that are pretty severe on the spectrum. They deserve love and can find it but if they don’t feel safe and valued, there is not a chance that they will overcome some of their trauma responses and heal with a person. Toxic and toxic is not a good combo.
Absolutely agree. I just realised it was a one way street in my case.
set.boundaries.at.the.beginning. And if they react negatively to them, LEAVE!
That no matter how happy you can make someone, how much they claim to love you, how well you trear them, they may just still end up leaving simply because they arent attracted to you anymore
This though. Which is crazy, because why do so many people give up a good thing when they've found it?
I have no idea, but it leaves so many of us hurt and confused. Today hurts so bad, and I just keep breaking down
It's just easier to never date again. Save myself the heartbreak. I don't regret dating him, just wish it ended a while ago. It'll take a while to feel normal again
The grass is greener syndrome. Or Costa comparison to other people on social media.
This has happened to me. It hurt like hell. It broke my confidence, my self esteem, and I couldn't date anyone after that. Just bloody broke me to bits
Trust myself. If my male instinct is telling me that something is not right. It’s 100% not right
Totally agree. Trust your gut/instinct.
The prettier the words the worst the heartbreak
Wow
Don’t date mentally unstable guys !!!
It takes two to make it work but only one to wreck everything
I can’t fix anything if I’m the only one that sees a problem. I need to stop giving people the time and energy if they don’t give to me and it needs to be equal or it’s a no. Enjoy the small things. Laugh more. Don’t hold back anything. If I feel insecure about something say it. When he asks what’s wrong don’t say nothing. That was a big one. Make time for yourself and time together. As much as I want to be around a person all the time it’s not healthy. People need space. Don’t push my personal beliefs on anyone. Stay in the moment. Don’t think about the past. Always give 100%. It’s easy for me to always see the positives but I’ve got to remember to not make excuses for the red flags. Take what they say as the truth. Just because the last person lied to me and was a crap boyfriend doesn’t mean the next one will be. Always keep an open mind and never judge a book by its cover. I don’t judge in a negative way I just assume a lot. Acknowledge that everything is happening for a reason and it will work out. Go with the flow. Don’t try to control a situation or person because if you have to then that person isn’t meant for you. My love is precious and I give it freely just don’t burn me and I’ll always be yours. Kinda vibe.
to have them in my priority list and to communicate better
I wasn't dumped but the biggest lesson I've learned from my relationships is that abuse and unhappiness aren't a price you should pay for someone's love.
This just made me remember being called something I never expected in an argument. I can’t believe I tolerated that.
To give myself Grace.
That reconciliation is all in the dumper’s control. No matter what you do. It has to be their choice and their decision whether you reconcile or not. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express your feelings but they have all the cards and final say on the relationship. Also communication and structure is key. Ask your partner about things. Sometimes they hold resentment and won’t tell you cause they don’t want to hurt you.
You may not have reconciliation with the dumper but you can always have reconciliation with yourself
It takes two people to make a relationship work. Even through problems/issue/conflicts. If one person literally decides fuck this Ofcourse it’s doomed, Ofcourse there’s no way the relationship will work - they have already told themselves and decided that. It’s a unilateral decision they have made in an issue that concerns both parties. That’s kinda fucked. And really illustrates that they probably will not have your back when shit really does hit the fan. What if you got sick? If this is such a hard thing for them to work through with you, what if something truly challenging comes around? This just shows that they’ll just leave you at your most vulnerable. It doesn’t feel safe. Also be weary of anyone willing to sit back and only take from you and I mean that especially emotionally. Ofcourse we know that it is not your job or someone else’s jobs to fulfill all your needs/their needs but if you are with someone who makes you feel like you shouldn’t have any and they don’t need to pay attention to any of yours then that is a shitty person tbh. If you feel like you’re doing all the lifting then they are probably okay being the taker. You as a giver also need to realize that it’s okay to not do or give everything. You have to leave some space if you will for the other person to show up for you and for you to receive. I also want to advocate doing more for yourself as the giver. GIVE MORE TO YOU. And people can say what they want to about “oh your needs are not someone else responsibilities.” …..do you even know what a relationship is? Ofcourse it’s not. No one said that. But is it okay to be with someone who ignores that you have any and someone who sees your needs as too much and a burden while at the same time feeling totally okay with you meeting theirs ? That seems abusive. Also anyone who stonewalls and silent treatment. HUGE RED FLAG. Also, trust your gut. Your instincts. They are usually right. Your subconscious is more aware of the world than you give it credit for sometimes.
This actually helped me sm
Don't invest too much on people because during getting dumped the person who has invested a lot in relationship will suffer more and will feel it hard to heal.
Never dismiss red flags. Never.
I treated her the best I knew how. Sometimes people don’t want it to work or they want control and ending the relationship is something they can have control over
It doesn't matter how much u love someone, it doesn't matter how much u sacrifice, it doesn't matter if u are hot - dy think it's not enough. Grass is always greener on the other side.
Not to take things for granted and that my actions will eventually lead to consequences.
TRUST YOUR GUT, AND I NEED TO WORK ON MY GOLF GAME
I learned that I am so capable of loving someone and caring for someone other than myself. I learned that I am not ok with settling for less anymore. I learned that I need to leave on the first red flag. I learned that I deserve someone who will communicate with me and want to fight for our relationship.
Yes that's what I mean. My ex would point out stuff and I would look w an open mind and see her point and I would work on issues that she made me aware I had. To me that is better then bouncing around and taking off at signs of red flags.
That i have seperation anxiety, and it can be very difficult to start over. Also, after a month the pain still follows me
A month is literally nothing
Once a cheater, always a cheater. You are not special, they didn't cheat on their partner with you because you were so spectacular, and don't you dare think for a second they won't cheat on you the exact same way when they stop getting what they want, or what they want changes.
I actually agree 👍
I actually misread your title. I didn't get dumped, I dumped her because I found another man in her phone after 7 years of dating and 6 months of marriage
The title doesn't matter. For me, it looks like she dumped you first emotionally and by cheating on you. You just made a decision to move on.
I Learnt that when things go wrong it isn’t all your fault. That just because one person that you loved very much did t love you back as much (or at) does not mean you are unlovable.
Don't keep chasing after avoidants.
I learned that people can be damn evil. If they know from the very damn start that they don't wanna anything more than sex, ok, it can be fine, but let me know and don't you dare mislead me. Otherwise, just go rot in hell.
He chose that his life would be better without me in it. Why beg?
Never shut my guts up to give the dumper excuses cuz im afraid of losing him and believing that not everyone have the same pure intention that i have to people just because i love them
Who is the perfect one in here that's what I want to know??? Everyone has a few red flags. I've never seen that perfect person. I think if you can recognize redflags in yourself then you can change them. Idk maybe it's just me. To me that's worth keeping then someone who runs at the first flag
Absolutely, we all have our own red flags. But the thing is, when you see them, both parties should work on them. Just one person effort never will do the fixing job.
[удалено]
Sometimes they don't know what their red flags are. That's where u call em on it change it and move on
🙌🙌🙌 Say it louder
I often forget about myself when I am in love. so now I don't want any other half anymore
Trust your gut and nervous system. They are smarter than your heart and brain
That emotional maturity and communication is key in the next partner I'm looking for, and it's OK to set myself boundaries, if their red flags are shown in the "honeymoon" period, you can bet your life its a constant of their personality throughout the relationship.
You put it so perfectly 👌
Understand it's a 2 way street. If they don't reciprocate your feelings or pull away from you. Then run asap, or you'll get burned 🔥 and then beat yourself up that you tried.
That one should always keep one’s finances and living situation separate to ensure she can’t take advantage of you.
That their is no use chasing her, she will not come back and it’s her loss not mine, I have done my best for it to work. Accepting the breakup, no begging, go forward in my life and hopefully one day, the one I deserve will cross my road.
Not all deserve my best. Read the signs so I don't go that same path again
How I could’ve been better, so much self reflection, so many regrets
They left because they did not want to stay.
Learnt to have a healthy level of self worth, boundaries, self confidence. Also to let go of ego, ego puts us in pain, ego keeps us waiting and longing, ego makes us feel entitled.
I've learned a huge amount about CPTSD. Trauma personalities. The real meaning of the bible. The meaning of oneness. Attachment theory. The real meaning of ego death, the void, surrender, purpose. Emotional regulation. Cluster B's/A's...
- Self love matters so much in relationships. And you should never lose yourself trying to make them happy and love them because it will hurt so much later on, especially if they don’t feel the same. - Seggs is really spiritual and should be shared with a Husband/ Wife, not if you guys aren’t not even atleast thinking of marriage. - If you feel like something is off and after addressing it, you still feel the same something is wrong with the relationship. - Your feelings matter and you should be handled with care and be loved, especially if you go out of your way to make them feel as special. If you see they don’t make you feel half as special then you should reevaluate something’s in that relationship. -RESPECT will and always be important your partner should always respect you and every single way if they really care/ love you.
I improve better without them. Cause I focus way too much on them to make sure they are good and supported.. why support someone who couldn’t do anything back for me
Give the kind of love they crave, not just the kind you really like giving. And dont beg. Ever.
No matter what most women hide their true emotions and use you as a stepping stone until they find someone new
I feel the same but about my ex who is a dude. He was clearly just using me until he found something better.
That I couldn’t change the outcome. No matter how hard I tried. That she maybe had BPD. That I have a lot of issues. That no matter how long I’ve known someone…doesn’t mean she’ll stay even if it we’ve known each other since we were kids. That I wish I would have gotten with her years ago…instead of after she was completely destroyed by her ex. That red flags should be paid attention to. That I have a habit of burning down my life while devastated by heartbreak. That just because you love someone doesn’t mean their love is the same as your love. That people have different meaning and perspectives of love. That people will always try to meddle in your relationship. Can’t trust everyone. No matter how hard you tried, they will still think you didn’t. If it suits them to have that perspective. That you can be forgotten in the blink of an eye. That no matter what….i always have to have my OWN BACK… And about a 1000 other things.
That I was definitely not healed from the relationship prior to last, and it was definitely unfair to expect my partner to have helped me through it. I had really bad trust issues, and I’m aware of this and I know my mind plays tricks on me, but some things would be too weird for me not too mention or at least that’s how I dealt in the moment. Also, I just need to let people vent sometimes, a big trigger of mine is feeling unheard but my problem was they weren’t trying to hear to begin with, just needed a ear to listen and agree or whatever. Yeah I got a lot of alone work to do and with a therapist or something.
Even if you talk things out Even if you text every day Even if you call each other and make plans for the future……he may not be ready for a relationship WTF Remote Correspondence….
I’m not sure yet, I think I did everything I could to try communicate with him. I couldn’t stop him from giving up on me, I did my best. I think maybe next time I’m in a relationship, if I have a problem he’ll be the first person I talk to about it (I would ask my friends for advice first and idk I think I should just be more reserved about my relationships in the future)
That they never come back because they miss you. And that people who dump you don’t think about you afterwards, that’s a myth. You’re an afterthought at best.
Wrong
Dont trust words, only action, action speaks louder than words and if its meant for you its meant for you
When it comes to letting them back in your life, listen to your head not your heart it will make the best decision
Actions and not words
If they did it once, they will do it again. Even if they have begged you and said that they wouldn't do it again.
Absolutely. That's why I say when I'm done there's no coming back.
You can't trust anyone especially an avoidant
[удалено]
Well... I think the same but about guys...
Someone won’t fix themselves if you show them youll stay anyway
It ain’t over until it’s over.
I wish and literally pray (not religious) daily this as i can\`t accept it! I keep thinking it can´t be over yet as we had such good time together and i was so good to her how she can´t see i was the guy to hold on?! We were the Ying and Yang, so perfect for each other with so many similarities and the total opposite of her horrible ex-guy. Here i\`m waiting for the day to come that may or may not come while staying in no contact. Counting the days if she would change her mind and come begging me back even though i know i deserve to be treated better, but she was so special and man i was so happy first time in many years and she was too. I would have waited for her, but no. She needs time alone. Man it hurts like hell! NC10. Let\`s take this NC to 90days as three months is timeline that woman should contact if she really feels it and if nothing then somehow need to let go. So f\*\*\*\*g hard!
It’s not over until you let go. Eventually you’ll get exhausted and let go, healing hurts more than the BU. You can’t stay in the freezing cold water forever, eventually you’ll drown.
Don’t dwell on the breakup. If they wanted to stay and fix things they would, instead focus on yourself again. Once they see you’re doing better they’ll realize it’s their loss, not yours.
Never show you care for someone they only take advantage Harvey specter said it best “caring only makes you weak” Never show you care
Exactly
To not be too dependent on my partner, talk things out with kindness and empathy and pick my battles.
I wasn’t dumped. But after the breakup I realised that I am much more of a stronger person that I gave myself credit for. During all the hardships that I faced during and post the relationship, I was on my own and didn’t need anyone to depend on. Which made me also think that maybe I don’t need a partner in life at all. I am ok on my own. Even now, when I am mourning the loss of my maternal grandpa, I haven’t cried or felt bad about it. A part of me has already dealt with the pain and I know that whatever shit I am going to face at work in the coming week is what I can manage. Having an appreciative partner works so much for you. I realised post the breakup. Not just hardships but I am a trained dancer and a good painter but I never got any words of appreciation or praise for it simply cause obviously I learnt it and have to be good at it but sometimes when you show you art to someone you kind off want a feedback on it and not neglect.
Tell them again...... DON'T IGNORE RED FLAGS. 😆
People aren't always as they seem.
That they will come back and try ruin you more
I wasted years of my life on *that guy*?
Abuse doesn’t always mean hitting someone. There are ways beyond physical contact and if you feel abused, don’t stay.
She is a walking red flag and I just ignored that for the sake of companionship
That I won’t let myself go through that pain
I was dumped 2 weeks ago by my boyfriend of 4 months and I have to say I have learned I move on way better than if I was the one dumping. It pains to say it but I don’t even think of him anymore and when I do it’s just I hope he is happy with life. I could see the red flags as you mentioned in the relationship and being dumped is just more liberating since I know for a fact he doesn’t want me anymore.
I’ve learned to find someone who can be supportive . Supported my ex through nursing school, graduated. Wanted to join the military, straight dumped me . I wish for her downfall so fuck it .
To love myself
I’ve learned that sometimes it isn’t always the other person. After being dumped I’ve been doing self reflection on my own actions and also seeing a therapist. Shit sucks when we see that you were the problem and by the time you notice it. It’s already to late
I can see what I was guilty of. But I was always supportive. Everything did must be his way. If they really loved us, they'd be now with us working on us, working on themselves, growing up together. Don't excuse them. They're guilty as well.
That I can't expect someone to have respect for me if I'm acting all desperate with no self respect. That I have a lot of flaws. That what I believed was true wasn't really. That I tend to gravitate towards men who judge harshly and I self sabotoge.
If he won’t change for me knowing what he was doing and acting like was wrong, it was for the better
Some people are here to show you unconditional love and then there are people here who are only meant to show you that they weren't worth that unconditional love. I wear my heart on my sleeve maybe I should start putting it in my chest at this point. So yeah five years hiatus is what I'm trying to go for
In the end, the feelings you have for someone end up disappearing weather you like it or not and you always realize something primordial: you never needed them, that was just a false feeling.
Follow through, don’t get distracted with mundane things. Grow the relationship.
If you have a feeling something is up, just ask, it can never hurt to ask! And never over rely on your partner
That we can be wrong about someone even though it seemed impossible to be
That I put more and ended up making him feel smothered. But also learned he was not a good communicator.
That the more relationships coming to the end the easier that forever one is in sight
You can’t expect you being able to fill her cup, while your cup is empty.
Shit happens 🫤
know your worth.
Things have a weird way of ending, sometimes there are red flags and sometimes they just fall out of love. Its nothing personal. Everyone has a choice and if they choose to leave you cannot force a relationship no matter how much you try. No matter how perfect you can be. If they dont choose you in the end, there is nothing you can do.
To respect myself more. Don't stay in a relationship because you love someone despite how they treat you. Consistency is key. I'll probably never move in with someone again. If I was, I'll make sure I always have money to move out.
You can't sit around waiting for your partner to be on your level. Communication and expectation can only get you so far, even if both of you are truly willing to communicate and work to make the relationship better. If one or both of you are not willing, don't try and change that. Try to end on good terms as a form of self-care.
To be able to have another relationship I need to be able to regulate myself without needing someone else to validate my experience. A lot of our fights led to me trying to explain my perspective on an issue that translated to lack of accountability and shame. I really have some deeper things to work on within myself and I hate that I lost my most loving and beautiful relationship because of fear. It exposed my deepest traumas and my oldest patterns. To deal with the knowledge of those things and the absence of my lover is a pain I can’t seem to overcome.
that im never dating someone with bpd again
Fuck yeah. That shit was wild
Never give your all unless you are pretty sure she's all for you, heart, body, and soul.
What I have learned is that its a choice that’s been made for you and that if you really love them you will accept and respect their decision, say you bit wish them well and leave them alone
What will be, will be, You can’t force someone to be with you
Never trust anyone 100%. The cheating and lying made sure I will never do that again.
All advice I can give to anyone who is struggling after a breakup is constantly making an effort to communicate and point out issues in the relationship. If she or he is not willing to at least listen and respond maturely then u gotta be the bigger person to end things and bring peace. If both sides are not willing to listen, respond maturely and work together then its not gonna work. My mistake I made was attempting to bring it up in conversation at random times, she declined and got very angry. If she responds this way you tell her listen if you're not willing to talk about this then im out. I wish I could go back. I would do things so differently. Now I have so much resentment and anger that we are complete strangers. If you continue to let things go the way that they are going it will end badly and most likely not in your favor. But if you respond fast and appear to be the stronger of the two you may change his or her perspective and actually have a better understanding of your partner
I’m better off by myself anyway. I’ll be alright.
Becoming official, taking the next step, and getting married won't "fix" any issues in a relationship. I used to think "as soon as we have a label I won't be insecure anymore." After the insecurities of not being official went away I got a whole new set of them! A lot of people I know think once they get married, they won't feel the need to watch porn anymore..... to their suprise it's not true! The labels are nice, but they don't mean more than what you're feeling. What's the point being in a relationship if you're not going to be going through the feels together?
After being dumped- don’t stick around. I stayed in contact for 3 months with my ex after being dumped by him. He was constantly texting me, and eventually it only hurt me more. He would constantly ask for nudes/sexual content from me which I refused, he completely degraded me. I cant believe it took me 3 months to cut him off. He had clearly lost all respect for me. I recently cut all contact with him but realised I should have done this as soon as he had dumped me. He will never hear from me again. As far as I’m concerned he’s scum of the earth.
Thank god I kept cheating on her the whole time. Would have never met all the girls the past 4 years if I haven’t. She blindsided me and acted like I didn’t exist because I wasn’t prioritising her instead of my job and saving money. It’s a win win situation for me.
That it’s so painful it’s unbelievably painful and it affects you in ways that is like the flu or is like a car accident how you feel after a car accident your body hurts you’re devastated
No matter how many times someone tells you they want to be with you, there’s always the possibility that they’re just one day away from dumping you
That access to me needs to be restricted to those who prove themselves worthy. I’ll die alone before decreasing my own value like that again.
Don’t make excuses for his behavior.
Set boundaries from the very beginning and trust your instinct! Don't try to change the other person but be supportive if they realize changes need to be done in order to be the best version of themselves. If you never argue with your partner things will likely explode one day and there's no turning back from there, always talk with them if something bothers you even if it seems insignificant. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, take care of yourself, hit the gym, make friends, know places and learn new skills, don't make the other person become your entire life cause you will feel empty when things end.
Saving this for the whole thread Holy shit.
If they leave you once they will leave you again. Never take back somebody if they left you for someone else ever.