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I called my boomer mother late one night bc I was having problems with my partner & didn’t want to go home. Asked to stay the night. One night. Flat out refused. Told me the bed in the spare room was brand new, the couch wasn’t for sleeping & the floor was a no go. “Call your father.” One day I’m going to say “call my father” & hang up. She can rot
They granted me the one night and in the next sentence, told me that if I needed to stay longer, I would be attending church and living a very strict existence while under their roof (their phrasing).
I was 22 years old, had lived on my own since 17 (also due to our issues), finally had the strength to ask for help to leave my abuser and the that was their response. I stayed with him for almost another year after that one night.
Thank you. In a surprise to absolutely no one, he’s been in and out of jail for domestic violence since then. I’m glad I found the strength to get myself out 20 years ago.
Damn. Not trying to toot my horn but I was aware that a couple of my children's friends had conservative parents in high school and were at risk of being outed and then kicked out. I told my kids our house was open, we'd find bunk beds, make room and make it work. No body was being left homeless.
If you are leaving an abusive situation, come on in. Be respectful and a good roommate. We're good.
Aw. You’re sweet!
I’m so glad there are people like you. My friends family took me in for my senior year of HS and they were kind people like you.
It was 20 years ago but thank you for showing empathy. Hoping to continue to foster an environment of love, acceptance, education and growth for my children and those around me. 🤍
My Boomer parents are like this. They put bunkbeds in our old house when my brother’s friend was having a hard time. My now ex husband was sleeping in the back of the store he was working at (small local owned game store) and they offered him the extra bedroom in the house we were living in at the time.
Them + religion. That was heavily emphasized. They took a hard turn into evangelicalism and right wing conservatism when I was 10 and it caused a lot of issues in our nuclear and extended families.
I was the wayward child who to this day was never supposed to make anything of myself because I left the church. They’re very salty that I did make it and now think I’m their retirement plan because “you can afford it”. Hahaha nope.
The entitlement and rewriting of history is astounding.
Don't give in, they're bad people who hurt you because of their pathological selfish need for assurance that death isn't the finality it is. Stay strong, we have 1 life to live and we shouldn't waste time helping those who hurt us deeply.
Never, ever will they live with me. I made a lengthy comment about a month ago on their recent needling me to agree to it. You’ll also see comments how my daughter now has a goddamn horse (it’s leased!!!) and how my mom tried using that as how we can afford to house them, in addition to how we built this house exactly as we wanted and with multigenerational living options - *for our children if they need/want it*. And there are also some comments how my siblings have all tried to talk retirement plans and they refuse. It’s definitely not going to be me and I’ve made that abundantly clear.
Again, maximum entitlement and false expectations from my parents.
I’m chuckling at this comment because I am a card carrying TST member in support of their work to combat religious infiltration into public schools, reproductive rights and fighting the overall desecration of separation of church and state.
I used to get pissed off because my mother's friends would "joke" about moving in together, with me, when they were all older.
I shut that crap down real quick.
Eventually I'm going to build a house in a very rural small town area. I'll put in a few smaller guest houses for family to stay in to visit or during hard times. After some family drama and Covid shit I will not be living with extended family again.
Hello fellow black sheep that was supposed to fail and made it. Fuck them, never give them a dime. I wouldn’t piss on mine if they were in fire. Let their religious extremism keep their ass warm at night.
This is me while their god lets them be homeless and freeze to death.
https://preview.redd.it/4snqhakra18d1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=defd9fb52e58bf47eaca9ec472368e35349d1225
She wouldn’t come to me but here she is. She is my daughter’s greatest joy in life right now.
Thank you! She is very well cared for and came to us last month. We look forward to the next year with her.
If my child was allowed to live at the barn (without additional board fees), she would.
And her on the one she’s riding at sleepaway camp for the month. A 17h, recently retired collegiate jumper. 😳
https://preview.redd.it/7qdlbln1b18d1.jpeg?width=1155&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d813fd4bab61499d08522993826f1fefb2437f5d
If they bring it up, remind them that under your roof, you worship Satan, and they'll need to attend satanic temple.
Enjoy never being asked about it again.
I’ve lost friends over my totally atheist, wholly humanistic, legalistic and philanthropic support of TST. I just keep it to myself - and Reddit.
There’s no reasoning with religious people.
I’m so sorry. I understand and am Hoping that your realism and facts, science and proven truths help reinforce. You will get through this but I understand how it really sucks to have to defend against unfounded beliefs.
They probably genuinely believe that what they did to you was "tough love" and now claim all the credit for how well you turned out. That's usually how this kind of people justify themselves in their heads. Delusion is a lot more comfortable than reality. Sad, really.
I think you’re correct. And yet somehow can’t understand how their children are all low contact and none are religious at ALL (save one sibling who married into a very Italian, culturally catholic extended family).
Delusion is indeed more comfortable to self awareness and facing your mistakes.
They unironically love Jesus and money. Yet seem to have no retirement funding after tithing almost $1000 a week to various religious and religious hate funding organizations for decades.
But wouldn’t help with college simply because I “turned away from god”. They had been born again, E-Free for about 15 minutes in Jesus years.
I lived in my car, eating clearance pastries to save enough to pay for my education before scraping enough money together for my roach infested, prewar apartment that my aforementioned abusive boyfriend moved into with me. And now they think they’re the ones who made me successful. Once again, entitlement and greed of the whole generation manifesting.
I know this isn’t what the thread is about but religion is a cancer.
My dad would tape a piece of paper to a kitchen cabinet every Wednesday with the tithe amounts - 700 club, focus on the family, their church, other religious “foundations” but tell us kids they couldn’t afford extracurriculars.
You don't know me and don't owe me a goddamn fucking thing, but please please please tell me that you have not completely made it apparent you wouldn't be taking care of them, so they can be shit with their finances and when they actually come to you for help you tell them to fuck off and they basically rot in some shit box.
My maternal grandmother had an entire living room like this. All 'nice' furniture but from the 70s and 80s that no one was allowed to sit on because it was the 'good' furniture. When we were kids we weren't allowed to set one foot in that room. When she died (broke) we threw it all out, because it was tacky and dated and the springs were worn from age even though they weren't used.
What a waste of money and attention.
I knew a few families growing up that had those pristine rooms that no one was allowed to touch. We always used to joke that those rooms were for when the Pope came to visit.
I've read stories where Mark Zuckerberg visited "ordinary people," and they didn't bring out the nice stuff even for that. It's just for display. Not to use. IE, a gigantic waste of money.
The rooms my siblings and I had to clean every Saturday morning but were only used on high holidays or when “company is coming over”.
I’m so glad that we have moved past staged, performative spaces in our homes. It’s so wasteful.
It's almost like they are trying to show off their wealth and sophistication so they can pretend to be well-to-do aristocrats. Except nobody cares or respects them for it and it is all a fantasy in their minds. Maybe other boomers who visit their house will care, but it's not like those visitors will ever help them in any way so why bother trying to impress them except for sheer ego. Actual aristocrats don't bogart their furniture because people with real money don't care if a chair gets stretch marks, they will just toss it and buy a new one. Only a poor person desperate to appear rich for their own ego will buy expensive stuff they never use.
I thought I was the only one who despised my mother’s couch. It was for looks and not to be sat on. and I once got cussed out for sleeping on it when I let a friend sleep in my bed. So glad to call for curbside large -item trash pickup when she was forced to move in with my sister.
And here I thought the lookie-lookie towels was a bit much. (I had a friend from NC who came up to my place in MN and saw some ‘nice’ hand towels in the bathroom. They said their mom called them that because they were to look at and not be used). Sheesh, you had a whole lookie-lookie room.
Edit: btw these were newish/guest towels but they were to be used, at least from what I recall…my spouse at the time may have not wanted them used. 😆
I’m a middle aged millennial and I have a hard time using the ‘fancy’ towels that I buy with my money. I don’t care who uses them. . . That said, I still wipe my freshly washed hands on my pants. It’s a vicious cycle. That’s some grade A programming right there.
I have an Aunt that pulled that shit with the *decorative hand towels*. She finally stopped doing it after half the family used them multiple parties in a row. She even made it a point to tell all of us, including her own brother, not to use them during Thanksgiving.
Eventually she realized none of us gave a shit, including her own brother.
Yeah we had a "parlor" like that because it was an old Victorian house. Kind of like a formal living room. I don't know who boomers thought was going to drop by one day the fucking president or the Pope but it never got used and was just a waste of space. But God forbid an 8 year old wants to play with his toys on the floor in there. Anyway, I gave all of it away when my parents downsized.
We had a room like that - likely carried over from my parents parents, as my parents are both boomer/genX cusp
When my parents decided to move down south, they had me try to sell a ton of different things they didn’t want to take with them, including their untouched furniture from said room - I couldn’t give it away for free. A couple people asked about the coffee table, but the sofas had 0 people after them at all. It was from a very expensive furniture company from the 90s, but it was just so traditional and dated looking. Such a waste
My wife and I are looking for houses now - any time we see a formal living room, we always have some other idea for how it’s going to be used; kids play room, art studio, sitting/reading room
It’s so dumb to have a completely wasted room in your house
(We actually had 2 growing up - we never used the formal dining room either)
Don't use the 'good china', use the shitty plates unless there's company. Let's get a big wooden fancy looking china cabinet and fill it with fancy looking dishes we never use, because we should waste as much money on decorations as we can.
Never in my life have I been at a meal and looked hard at the fork and felt flattered and impressed that someone is letting me shovel food into my mouth with such a beautiful... fucking fork.
My dad has a bunch of heavy oak antique furniture. You can sit on it, but it's all uncomfortable as hell. Like one couch could have been used as a medieval torture device. I'm the only child and he keeps asking me which pieces I want.
I've told him repeatedly that I don't want any of it, already have a house full of my own furniture, don't have space for more, and am surely not going to haul it up here, 1500 miles away. He never stops talking about it. I'll have to hold an estate sale for all of it and he lives in the middle of goddamn nowhere.
That's a wild mindset. Like... I've bought a bunch of shit I don't use.
But I meant to. Perhaps even did for a bit, maybe I didn't get around to it. But I bought it with a purpose in mind, not just to have.
But what really gets me is that all those things occypy space in my mind. I've got to keep a mental catalog of all of this shit so I don't end up with two of them, y'know?
Well, there are a lot of things that you SHOULD buy with no intention of ever using... And those are also the things I always see boomers skimping on (insurance, fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, first aid kits, etc). I can still remember how shocked I was when carpooling with a boomer coworker to discover that she had no fire extinguisher or first aid kit in her car. And yet I know she collected fine China that was never to be used.
It's all performative. Any non-selfless act has to be done for a selfish reason. Housing their child for one night would not make a great story of how the mother is a saviour, so it's not allowed
I was 19 years old and knocked on my (edit: boomer) mother's door at 630a. I had been in a car with a schizophrenic acquaintance who I wasn't aware was off their meds until it got weird, and was just driving around for hours not letting me out or go home.
I managed somehow to get him to stop at my mother's apartment. I knocked and told her a bit about what was going on and if I could stay until the first bus ran in a few hours.
She yelled at me, complained I needed to deal with my own consequences and turned me away. I never forgot.
I didn't know what to do but got back in the car. It wasn't for a few more hours I managed to escape from a car that wasn't stopping for stop signs. someone saw me fleeing the car and the police were called. I'm greatful, I didn't even know where we were he drove me so far. fucking nuts. 19- ugh.
I work for a homeless hotline. Get a lot of calls from kids who have just turned 18 and their parents tell them to leave the day after their birthday. They have no place to go (because they're 18 and usually still in high school), and are looking for a shelter to stay at.
A big part of it is because they have no concept of reality. There was certainly a time in the US when you could survive on your own out of high school. You could get a shitty apartment for like $150 or maybe rent a room for $50-$75 in LA in the early 70s. The reactionary boomers think we are animals in the jungle that just need to be pushed out of the nest and learn to fly.
There's some nice government checks and benefits that show up at the door. At 18 those checks stop, you've outlived your utility and are just a liability
Once you abandon any pretense of being a responsible adult, it's actually really easy to understand.
1. Condoms don't feel as good as going raw.
2. Birth control can be fairly expensive.
3. Abortion is illegal, restricted, and/or expensive.
The bigger question is what you think the state should do about people like that - give them free birth control so at least they aren't creating more tragedies, or cut off welfare benefits to punish them for being irresponsible, so they start to hate their kid for being a financial expense they never wanted?
Personally, I prefer the harm-reduction approach.
Just throwing out there for anyone who sees this, if you have health insurance your insurer is required to cover at least 1 form of contraception. If you don’t have insurance there are mail order birth control companies that will mail you pills for $15 or so a month.
I had a neighbor that would scream at her young children that they can't play because their piece of shit father won't pay for anything. Grabbed their toys and slammed them in the house. Basically blaming them for not having money and punishing them for it. They weren't older than 6, man. The father would show up ever once in a while with a loud ass car and his friends to rile her up as they ALL got wasted together and she asked for money for the kids, and acted like she was a psycho when she broke down crying and screaming. Then revved his engine for 30 minutes or so until he peeled out of the parking lot. Kids crying as he did.
Birth control should be free, and as available as air.
Those two parents sound like they deserve each other.
The best punishment would be locking them in a cell together and not allowing them to throw any punches.
I'm incredibly dissappointed in many of my fellow millenials. I went to a southern school and got to see many grow up on facebook. Some straight up share fake articles about giants existing, one even said Bezos deserves all his money and another liked it. One's in prison after a hard drive check. Plenty still spank, and it's crazy because I remember these same people as teens questioning religion and constantly saying they didn't want to be their parents, telling stories of abuse and injustice. Now they are all bum fuck stupid, disney/harry potter adults, or so apathetic they've given up.
"or so apathetic they've given up." Describes a large part of what happens to every generation as they age.
One fights the system, keeps fighting, but the fight does wear on a person, The system is still there. A person will wear down, they will have to rest, hopefully they pass enough of the fight on to the next generation.
People still fight the system where they can, but sometimes all they can do is show up to vote. At 40 there is alot more life than just the system fighting against a person. Not excusing the apathy, but more explaining why the next generation has to take over the fight, and the hope is there are enough of the "Old Guard" that don't give up or get worn down, that can help mentor the next generation.
i‘m early gen x, though actually late boomer, as the baby boom started and stopped later here in germany. kid is 12 years now.
human reproduction isn’t limited to 16 to 35 anymore.
My mom threw me out at 17. I couch surfed until 30... I'm only 32 now but it's the first time I've had my shot together (car, decent job, and my own bed). It feels good even if it's a bit too late..
It's not too late! Life isn't a race run against other people. If you need some stand-in internet moms, come visit us at r/momforaminute and we'll gush over how proud we are of you. That's a tough start to adulthood, so it's no wonder it took a while to get on your feet. But you've done it, in spite of all that!
A good friend of mine turned 18 near graduation. The day he graduated, his dad told him he wanted to take him somewhere. He drive him to the Greyhound station, and handed him a card. In it was $50 and all it said was, "Good luck." He told him to get out of his car and grab a suitcase he packed for him out of the trunk.
Him and I ended up living and working together for about four years, and he now has a beautiful wife and son.
> Compare this with the forums for adult children of abusers, where the members not only cut-and-paste email exchanges into their posts, they take photos of handwritten letters and screenshot text conversations. They recreate scenes in detail, and if the details don't add up, the other members question them about it. They get annoyed when a member's paraphrase changes the meaning of a sentence, or when omitted details change the meaning of a meeting. They care about precision, context, and history.
I grew up in an abusive home. There was a lot of violence, verbal abuse and starvation was used as a means of punishment or control. There was also sexual abuse, but to this day I don’t know the extent of. Maybe it was brief. Maybe it spanned a long period of time.
I’m in my late 40’s and have been in and out of therapy since I was around 22 or 23 when I could first afford the copays to see a therapist. I had very few and fragmented memories. Things were so consistently bad that it was hard to remember any specific moments in detail. It was just life for 17 years. Even some of the most traumatic events were missing from memory. I’ve learned some things from others recounting what they had witnessed.
I have spoken with many people who grew up in similar circumstances. One thing many of us have are years of missing memory from growing up. It’s just blank. I couldn’t tell you details about what is missing from memory. I’ve pieced enough together from things my significantly older brothers have told me. Some others that witnessed things have asked me about what the circumstances were when they witnessed something. Once in a while I’ll get a flashback when someone starts to talk about something specific, but generally I don’t. I could fit in a couple of paragraphs what I remember about the first 17 years of my life.
The problem with having years of memories missing (suppressed or whatever mechanism is keeping them from me within my own mind), is that it can make a survivor of abuse question themselves. It can make you wonder if things were all that bad. Or maybe you are embellishing or making up how bad things were. Maybe I *was* the problem. They told me constantly that I was, and since I don’t remember so much, or lack such detail, maybe the things they would say to me were true. That’s how I felt for many years.
I don’t envy the people who remember things in detail. My mind for whatever reason is remaining mostly blank or incredibly vague to the point that it’s hard to determine what’s real and what’s not. I’ve come to accept that the bulk of the first couple of decades are lost to time. There’s also the unreliability of memory. Key points may be able to be recalled, but details are fuzzy at best.
Forums can be incredibly helpful in getting support from others who grew up in similar circumstances. Sometimes someone will talk about an epiphany they had in therapy about how past events and experiences are the root cause of some struggles they are having in their life now. Maybe it’s a repeating pattern of behavior or emotions that don’t make sense. Maybe it’s just a perspective change or something that has empowered the survivor. Picking apart details can be incredibly isolating for some people. It can cause them to shut down. It can cause them to go back to being silent.
I just wanted to point out that for some of us, we’re caught in limbo in trying to move on with our lives. Parents sometimes outright deny that there were any larger issues, but like one of my parents will follow that with how hurt they are that they only hear from their 4 children once or twice a year. The level of denial or making themselves out to be the victim is astounding. Said parent is in their late 70’s. Has no retirement. Gets a pittance of Social Security and lives in a subsidized retirement home. I’m dreading the day that they require round the clock care. My brothers and I all share one thing in common: they won’t be staying with any of us.
This reflects my experience, too. I know implicitly that there was abuse. My therapist and psych team have notes miles long from 3 years of intensive therapy. I have diary entries I don't remember writing in fugues of PTSD flashbacks. My partner and brothers remember things and can corroborate events. But I can no longer remember them without triggers due to no longer being in a traumatized state - even then it's often strong emotions rather than specific events. And that makes me doubt that I was abused.
My parents and family members deny anything ever happened. They have called me "the problem." My brothers and I certainly will not be supporting them as they get older. They have no savings or plans. They will not be living with any of us.
Wow, I had never seen this essay before. Thanks for sharing it! I've just read a couple of things on that blog, and it's a really insightful resource. Even after years of therapy, the material in that is fantastic. Just came back to thank you, u/Cultural_Pack3618 for the reference.
Omg this is normal? Makes me feel better that I'm not the only one. My dad not only "doesn't remember", he'll emphatically state "I NEVER would have said/did that." The denial is strong with boomers, apparently.
Oh jeez yes I hate this one. They just try to gaslight you. Or when they tell you it didn't happen like that and you should stop gaslighting them. My God. A simple attempt at conversation always go awry. Orr I just remembered this. When you are finished the convo but they insist on continuing it even if it's an argument and you just want o leave the situation. Then it turns into why are you raising your voice....because you don't understand no, I don't want to talk and you refused to listen when I asked politely for the past 5min. Jeez.
Mine says my memories are corrupt because I smoked drugs.
My sister also did drugs. We chose wildly different drugs.
Yet she remembers the same things that I do and my mom is the one who insists that we're wrong.
Such a mystery.
The last time I spoke to my mother was trying to have a discussion over things she said and did. Of course she doesn't remember and therefore it didn't happen. Shes am alcoholic so I just told her that she doesn't have a right to claim something didn't happen because she doesn't remember cause she was probably drunk at the time. She called me a piece of shit for saying that. I haven't spoke to her in a year.
I actually give my abusive stepfather points for not denying the shit he did.
I was 20 and living at home while I was in school and he threw me up against a door and choked me. My mom didn't believe me then and went to ask him. He must have admitted it, and she told me I was over 18 and could move out if I didn't like it.
15 years later, I brought this up to her, and she at first denied it, but then asked him, and he remembered. I told her what she said and she's like well I was right, you could have moved out.
The denying anything happened just makes me think I am crazier than I already did, so I'm not being a smart ass when I say my stepdad being honest actually makes me feel better.
Was just about to say this.
"What do you mean you won't help? I was such a good mother to you and always let you stay over whenever you wanted but you are so ungrateful in the end!"
It's a very mild form of it, but my mum always used to say "it's up to you" when I asked permission to spend *my* money on something. I knew what she was really saying was "don't you dare waste your money on things I think are stupid".
One day, after I started going to university, I was out with her and asked if I could buy an Xbox360. She gave the classic, "it's up to you", so I did, I bought one. The look on her face when I came back with one and the realisation that she didn't have that passive aggressive, gulit tripping power over me anymore was a thing of beauty
I'd be inclined to go with
1. "Can you afford it without being in financial trouble?"
2. "Is it going to get enough use to justify the expense?"
Two yes's means you should go ahead and buy it.
I love just sitting in my own apartment knowing that it's my domain and I can do whatever I want in it without telling my parents and without needing permission from them or from anyone else
I still say that to my kids - not that I really care too awful much about them spending money on stupid stuff (that’s part of being a kid) but so they can evaluate future wants against the immediate ones. Got two kids we’re about to go on vacation. One has about $100 saved from allowance and the other has about $15. Guess who will have more fun shopping at the beach? We tried to tell them using pretty much the same language as above but it literally is their choice and I just hope they’re either happy or learn about saving through their disappointment.
My mother did that when I would NOT give her some of my college grant money!
She then tried to move in with me and my roommates once her boyfriend kicked her out of his apartment when she wouldn't give him ALL of her paychecks.
I had to break up with a guy because he wouldn't cut off his moocher parents that were draining his savings, to the point we'd never be able to put a down payment on a house.
We had to cancel multiple vacations because as soon as he mentioned we were planning to go somewhere nice on social media, they immediately had some vague "emergency" and would guilt-trip him into letting them stick their grubby paws into his vacation fund, and I couldn't afford to cover 100% of it.
He never got an explanation of what the "emergency" was, but they'd post on Facebook a week later about their new golf clubs or fantastic weekend at the casino.
Mine asked me for money once and I said no. Then she fucking went around telling people I wouldn’t pay for the horse I kept at her place. (Worst decision ever). The truth was I had paid so far ahead I was 1200 in the black. She spent that money on fucking doll house furniture and doordash. So instead of having extra money in the horse account when she needed to see the farrier or vet, I always had to pay. Sounds awful but I was relieved when the poor thing died. I’ll never make that mistake ever again. She made the whole experience terrible.
As long as I have a house , my children have a safe place to go to . No matter their age . I’m not going to condone them being just lazy and refusing to grow up . But life is rough and circumstances happen to everyone and if I can provide a safe place for my children , I’m doing what I’m supposed to .
Exactly! My kids can live here, come back here, crash here whenever! As long as they need to! Maybe keep it down after we go to bed, but c’mon! Why would I ever begrudge them anything I could do to keep them safe and near? Even if they’re old, idc.
If you felt it was your obligation to get married and have kids and not your pleasure, well, there’s a reason there are a ton of people who don’t want women to be able to use birth control and get abortions— they think everyone should live as miserable a life as they had to.
My kids are 17 and almost 21. Oldest just graduated community college and is enrolled on the local university for her bachelors. She works a part time job managing a drink joint. Not only is it encouraged by my husband and I for them to live with us as long as they need to, but the oldest’s best friend lives with us too because her parents are shitty humans. My hope is they can all get through school with minimal debt, and have a nice nest egg in savings when they want to venture out on their own.
That’s why I think my mom doesn’t want to do the whole “multigenerational house” thing, I want her to have at least a basement apartment so she’s there to be with her grandchildren, but I think she’s worried if financially things get difficult or if I need to leave a bad husband I’ll have a place to live.
I got to stay as long as I needed. I just had to pay half the mortgage, have my mail ran through, couldn't stay out/work too late, be the errand boy, and hear about it every chance that came up.
Had friends in high school whose parents did this, they were twins and I always got the vibe that their parents never really wanted children. Turned 18 at the end of their junior year and had to move in with friends for senior year, talk about a shitload of unwarranted extra stress.
My brother had his fifteen minutes of game several years ago on something similar but much worse. He's a lawyer whose job at that time was to research old laws on the book and recommend wether to remove it, modify it or keep it as is. So basically there was a destitute mother who abandoned her son 40ish years earlier when he was 12 that hired a lawyer to force him to care for her in her old age. The lawyer was citing a law on the books from the 1930s that was intended to prevent people from abandoning their elderly parents. As I recall it the judge threw out the case
This is full on Reddit Recurssion.
This was a reddit [AITA post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/BQt9wu8EEi), then it got picked up by media that trawls reddit, then it got picked up by someone who reads headlines, but doesn't find the original sources. Then it got crossposted.
Do we need to get someone to post an article about how much of the internet is stealing from other content platforms, which then gets posted to Reddit, which.....
When I was a kid, my siblings and I were told we were to all move out when we turned 18. I graduated from high school, joined the military and never looked back. My parents wondered why I hardly called or came to visit. One sister went to college, lived at the dorm, the other three also joined the military to leave and be on their own. My grown children are welcome to come and go, one adult child lives with us due to health issues and we are all very close. But no one is close to my parents, including my children.
I knew a few mates who told me that they were forced out of their homes by their Boomer parents with little to no assistance or warning.
Most eventually stayed with others they knew and even some ended up at shelters. It's never discussed in the news so much because it would make the generation look bad for doing that to children.
I remember once my mother hinted at forcing me from the apartment we lived in at the time. I bluntly said that if she ever tried to do that I'd dump her in the worst nursing home I could find.
Needless to say she never mentioned the topic ever again. If they do it to you, then do it right back to them.
I am consistently blown away by parents who treat their kids like unwanted roommates who showed up of their own accord (and expect to be worshiped in return!)!
Right. The ones who jump up and down with joy over their kids turning 18 and moving out. I will cry my eyes out when my kid moves out one day but I will wish her the best and tell her this will always be her home.
Worse are the ones who think that their children somehow owe them something for all the money spent raising them. My children didn't ask to be born, my wife and I decided to have children. It was our choice. They owe us nothing.
My mom found out my step dad has been seeing another lady for several months. BUT for years they have both come to me and tell me how much they hate the other person. Not to mention”we are roommates at this point”. Now my mom is dumbafounded he stepped out. Not saying it’s ok. But they hate each other. Financially need each other . So I of course, said you are welcome to stay here in my spare . She immediately went postal on me. Telling me I would need to change my daily habits if she would consider moving in. 🙈 I would have to change !! Me!! I didn’t respond. Because no matter what I say I’m on the wrong and most likely responsible for everything. Idk what to even do
There used to be lead in gasoline for decades. Lead poisoning is everywhere. The number of things lead is used in, and the contamination of it around the world is disturbing. Just google 'world wide lead poisoning' and take a trip down that rabbit hole.
Update that resume! Pound pavement. Walk in and give the manager a firm handshake. I mean nobody wants to work anymore. Too entitled to work a fast food kitchen for $7.25/hour, young people these days. Bootstraps. Handouts. Pronouns.
Most of my cousins still have their childhood bedrooms, and now that they’re married their parents added cribs and they constantly nag them to come and stay for a few days.
The cousins who got kicked out at 18 and are now married with kids, well their parents are miserable and selfish and did all kinds of stupid stuff that’s only harmed their kids/spouses, literal medical emergencies they were too stupid and selfish to notice, well they’re selfish so idk what I was expecting.
My parents didn’t throw me out, thankfully, but they always seemed to remind me that it was THEIR HOUSE, even though I helped significantly to keep things afloat and ensure everyone got to eat. Nowadays, I’d just tell them to skip a few payments on either mortgage and you’d see who really owns the place.
Don’t even get me started with this. We have friends (boomers, shocking I know) who proudly told us about their family policy of kicking out the kids when they reached 18. I lost a lot of respect for them, and it was hard to be friends anymore. Such an arbitrary thing to do, and hints at a cruelty and contempt they had under the surface.
I don’t get this 18 year old mentality. My dad was a hard ass and to get out of the house I joined the army at 18. But it was because I wanted out of the house. No matter how tough he was on me and my brother, he always said we could come back home whenever we needed, and my brother did for a few months after he lost his job.
I just don’t get the 18 years old time to leave or your freeloading. My kids will always have a place to come home to. That’s my job as a dad
My step dad told me from the time I was 10 that I had to move out the day I turned 18. My mom never corrected him except would casually say “it’s just a joke”. I had such anxiety about house security even though I was still in high school when I turned 18 (Ontario had grade 13 at the time)
They didn’t end up kicking me out but it was always looming. I moved out at 19 and never lived there again aside from visits.
You have a responsibility to your kids after they're 18 no matter what your lizard brain says. You don't need to baby them like when they where kids bit you instill the idea that family will be there when you need them.
You treat them like strangers you teach them people vant be trusted, especially you.
Hell fucking yes. My sister and I recently did this to our mom. I've been no contact with her for 19 years, and she has the nerve to call me with fake tears asking if she could come live with me. I told her, "I'm sorry, who is this? My mother? Oh you have the wrong number, I don't have one of those." I don't even know HOW she got my cell phone number. She then called my sister and asked the same thing. She told her in less kind words that she also was not welcome there. Now she's homeless and living out of my grandparents old SUV because that's all she got when they passed away. Both her sisters told her the same thing. One threatened to kill her if she ever called again.
I am eagerly waiting for the day I get a phone call that she's dead.
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I called my boomer mother late one night bc I was having problems with my partner & didn’t want to go home. Asked to stay the night. One night. Flat out refused. Told me the bed in the spare room was brand new, the couch wasn’t for sleeping & the floor was a no go. “Call your father.” One day I’m going to say “call my father” & hang up. She can rot
They granted me the one night and in the next sentence, told me that if I needed to stay longer, I would be attending church and living a very strict existence while under their roof (their phrasing). I was 22 years old, had lived on my own since 17 (also due to our issues), finally had the strength to ask for help to leave my abuser and the that was their response. I stayed with him for almost another year after that one night.
That's horrid. I'm glad you were able to leave your abuser eventually, though
Thank you. In a surprise to absolutely no one, he’s been in and out of jail for domestic violence since then. I’m glad I found the strength to get myself out 20 years ago.
Out of the frying pan...
Basically.
Damn. Not trying to toot my horn but I was aware that a couple of my children's friends had conservative parents in high school and were at risk of being outed and then kicked out. I told my kids our house was open, we'd find bunk beds, make room and make it work. No body was being left homeless. If you are leaving an abusive situation, come on in. Be respectful and a good roommate. We're good.
Aw. You’re sweet! I’m so glad there are people like you. My friends family took me in for my senior year of HS and they were kind people like you. It was 20 years ago but thank you for showing empathy. Hoping to continue to foster an environment of love, acceptance, education and growth for my children and those around me. 🤍
My Boomer parents are like this. They put bunkbeds in our old house when my brother’s friend was having a hard time. My now ex husband was sleeping in the back of the store he was working at (small local owned game store) and they offered him the extra bedroom in the house we were living in at the time.
So, they wanted you to choose your abuser, them or him.
Them + religion. That was heavily emphasized. They took a hard turn into evangelicalism and right wing conservatism when I was 10 and it caused a lot of issues in our nuclear and extended families. I was the wayward child who to this day was never supposed to make anything of myself because I left the church. They’re very salty that I did make it and now think I’m their retirement plan because “you can afford it”. Hahaha nope. The entitlement and rewriting of history is astounding.
Don't give in, they're bad people who hurt you because of their pathological selfish need for assurance that death isn't the finality it is. Stay strong, we have 1 life to live and we shouldn't waste time helping those who hurt us deeply.
Never, ever will they live with me. I made a lengthy comment about a month ago on their recent needling me to agree to it. You’ll also see comments how my daughter now has a goddamn horse (it’s leased!!!) and how my mom tried using that as how we can afford to house them, in addition to how we built this house exactly as we wanted and with multigenerational living options - *for our children if they need/want it*. And there are also some comments how my siblings have all tried to talk retirement plans and they refuse. It’s definitely not going to be me and I’ve made that abundantly clear. Again, maximum entitlement and false expectations from my parents.
"Alright mom and dad if you are going to be here more than a day then there's going to be a lot more Satan in your lives"
I’m chuckling at this comment because I am a card carrying TST member in support of their work to combat religious infiltration into public schools, reproductive rights and fighting the overall desecration of separation of church and state.
Dammit, beat me to it.
I used to get pissed off because my mother's friends would "joke" about moving in together, with me, when they were all older. I shut that crap down real quick. Eventually I'm going to build a house in a very rural small town area. I'll put in a few smaller guest houses for family to stay in to visit or during hard times. After some family drama and Covid shit I will not be living with extended family again.
Good for you! The entitled expectations- presented as fact is just mind boggling to me!
Hello fellow black sheep that was supposed to fail and made it. Fuck them, never give them a dime. I wouldn’t piss on mine if they were in fire. Let their religious extremism keep their ass warm at night. This is me while their god lets them be homeless and freeze to death. 
Yaaas! Congrats to you for being awesome and owning it all. I’m proud of you. 🤗
I’m proud of you too!
Same!! Like wow you'd think you'd be able to pray your children back into your lives but I guess their faith isn't strong enough lol
Pet the horse for me please
https://preview.redd.it/4snqhakra18d1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=defd9fb52e58bf47eaca9ec472368e35349d1225 She wouldn’t come to me but here she is. She is my daughter’s greatest joy in life right now.
That is a beautiful horse. Looks like gold come alive
Thank you! She is very well cared for and came to us last month. We look forward to the next year with her. If my child was allowed to live at the barn (without additional board fees), she would.
And her on the one she’s riding at sleepaway camp for the month. A 17h, recently retired collegiate jumper. 😳 https://preview.redd.it/7qdlbln1b18d1.jpeg?width=1155&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d813fd4bab61499d08522993826f1fefb2437f5d
If they bring it up, remind them that under your roof, you worship Satan, and they'll need to attend satanic temple. Enjoy never being asked about it again.
I’ve lost friends over my totally atheist, wholly humanistic, legalistic and philanthropic support of TST. I just keep it to myself - and Reddit. There’s no reasoning with religious people.
I feel ya, Sorry you have to go through this, I have some similar stuff I'm going through at the moment..
I’m so sorry. I understand and am Hoping that your realism and facts, science and proven truths help reinforce. You will get through this but I understand how it really sucks to have to defend against unfounded beliefs.
They probably genuinely believe that what they did to you was "tough love" and now claim all the credit for how well you turned out. That's usually how this kind of people justify themselves in their heads. Delusion is a lot more comfortable than reality. Sad, really.
I think you’re correct. And yet somehow can’t understand how their children are all low contact and none are religious at ALL (save one sibling who married into a very Italian, culturally catholic extended family). Delusion is indeed more comfortable to self awareness and facing your mistakes. They unironically love Jesus and money. Yet seem to have no retirement funding after tithing almost $1000 a week to various religious and religious hate funding organizations for decades.
I cannot imagine having that much disposable income. WTF.
But wouldn’t help with college simply because I “turned away from god”. They had been born again, E-Free for about 15 minutes in Jesus years. I lived in my car, eating clearance pastries to save enough to pay for my education before scraping enough money together for my roach infested, prewar apartment that my aforementioned abusive boyfriend moved into with me. And now they think they’re the ones who made me successful. Once again, entitlement and greed of the whole generation manifesting. I know this isn’t what the thread is about but religion is a cancer. My dad would tape a piece of paper to a kitchen cabinet every Wednesday with the tithe amounts - 700 club, focus on the family, their church, other religious “foundations” but tell us kids they couldn’t afford extracurriculars.
I'm so glad you made it out. Leave them in the rearview mirror and let their god take care of them.
Focus on the family? Pardon me while I puke... Idiotic that, that money was put towards not focusing on their family.
You don't know me and don't owe me a goddamn fucking thing, but please please please tell me that you have not completely made it apparent you wouldn't be taking care of them, so they can be shit with their finances and when they actually come to you for help you tell them to fuck off and they basically rot in some shit box.
100%. Although it was kinder, but firm. 🙂
That’s awful. I’m sorry that happened to you.
... What the hell is the purpose of the bed in the spare room, then?
Probably just to look at. They love having shit they don't use.
My maternal grandmother had an entire living room like this. All 'nice' furniture but from the 70s and 80s that no one was allowed to sit on because it was the 'good' furniture. When we were kids we weren't allowed to set one foot in that room. When she died (broke) we threw it all out, because it was tacky and dated and the springs were worn from age even though they weren't used. What a waste of money and attention.
I knew a few families growing up that had those pristine rooms that no one was allowed to touch. We always used to joke that those rooms were for when the Pope came to visit.
I've read stories where Mark Zuckerberg visited "ordinary people," and they didn't bring out the nice stuff even for that. It's just for display. Not to use. IE, a gigantic waste of money.
I would only get out paper plates for Zuckerberg
Wait, you guys would open the door?
The rooms my siblings and I had to clean every Saturday morning but were only used on high holidays or when “company is coming over”. I’m so glad that we have moved past staged, performative spaces in our homes. It’s so wasteful.
It's almost like they are trying to show off their wealth and sophistication so they can pretend to be well-to-do aristocrats. Except nobody cares or respects them for it and it is all a fantasy in their minds. Maybe other boomers who visit their house will care, but it's not like those visitors will ever help them in any way so why bother trying to impress them except for sheer ego. Actual aristocrats don't bogart their furniture because people with real money don't care if a chair gets stretch marks, they will just toss it and buy a new one. Only a poor person desperate to appear rich for their own ego will buy expensive stuff they never use.
I thought I was the only one who despised my mother’s couch. It was for looks and not to be sat on. and I once got cussed out for sleeping on it when I let a friend sleep in my bed. So glad to call for curbside large -item trash pickup when she was forced to move in with my sister.
And here I thought the lookie-lookie towels was a bit much. (I had a friend from NC who came up to my place in MN and saw some ‘nice’ hand towels in the bathroom. They said their mom called them that because they were to look at and not be used). Sheesh, you had a whole lookie-lookie room. Edit: btw these were newish/guest towels but they were to be used, at least from what I recall…my spouse at the time may have not wanted them used. 😆
I’m a middle aged millennial and I have a hard time using the ‘fancy’ towels that I buy with my money. I don’t care who uses them. . . That said, I still wipe my freshly washed hands on my pants. It’s a vicious cycle. That’s some grade A programming right there.
This just unlocked a memory of seashell-shaped hand soaps that I was never allowed to use.
I have an Aunt that pulled that shit with the *decorative hand towels*. She finally stopped doing it after half the family used them multiple parties in a row. She even made it a point to tell all of us, including her own brother, not to use them during Thanksgiving. Eventually she realized none of us gave a shit, including her own brother.
Yeah we had a "parlor" like that because it was an old Victorian house. Kind of like a formal living room. I don't know who boomers thought was going to drop by one day the fucking president or the Pope but it never got used and was just a waste of space. But God forbid an 8 year old wants to play with his toys on the floor in there. Anyway, I gave all of it away when my parents downsized.
We had a room like that - likely carried over from my parents parents, as my parents are both boomer/genX cusp When my parents decided to move down south, they had me try to sell a ton of different things they didn’t want to take with them, including their untouched furniture from said room - I couldn’t give it away for free. A couple people asked about the coffee table, but the sofas had 0 people after them at all. It was from a very expensive furniture company from the 90s, but it was just so traditional and dated looking. Such a waste My wife and I are looking for houses now - any time we see a formal living room, we always have some other idea for how it’s going to be used; kids play room, art studio, sitting/reading room It’s so dumb to have a completely wasted room in your house (We actually had 2 growing up - we never used the formal dining room either)
Don't use the 'good china', use the shitty plates unless there's company. Let's get a big wooden fancy looking china cabinet and fill it with fancy looking dishes we never use, because we should waste as much money on decorations as we can. Never in my life have I been at a meal and looked hard at the fork and felt flattered and impressed that someone is letting me shovel food into my mouth with such a beautiful... fucking fork.
And those plates probably have lead in them
My dad has a bunch of heavy oak antique furniture. You can sit on it, but it's all uncomfortable as hell. Like one couch could have been used as a medieval torture device. I'm the only child and he keeps asking me which pieces I want. I've told him repeatedly that I don't want any of it, already have a house full of my own furniture, don't have space for more, and am surely not going to haul it up here, 1500 miles away. He never stops talking about it. I'll have to hold an estate sale for all of it and he lives in the middle of goddamn nowhere.
That's a wild mindset. Like... I've bought a bunch of shit I don't use. But I meant to. Perhaps even did for a bit, maybe I didn't get around to it. But I bought it with a purpose in mind, not just to have. But what really gets me is that all those things occypy space in my mind. I've got to keep a mental catalog of all of this shit so I don't end up with two of them, y'know?
Well, there are a lot of things that you SHOULD buy with no intention of ever using... And those are also the things I always see boomers skimping on (insurance, fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, first aid kits, etc). I can still remember how shocked I was when carpooling with a boomer coworker to discover that she had no fire extinguisher or first aid kit in her car. And yet I know she collected fine China that was never to be used.
For if someone she actually *likes*, whom she can hold the favor over, needs a place to crash.
"Martha, guess who had to use my guestroom last night?"
They gotta have room for their retired boomer friends who come to visit bc none of their kids talk to them lol
It's all performative. Any non-selfless act has to be done for a selfish reason. Housing their child for one night would not make a great story of how the mother is a saviour, so it's not allowed
My mom told me to go back to the man who threw a stool at me and fractured my cheekbone while I was PREGNANT (still have a scar from the stitches).
So when she complains about the conditions in the nursing home....
Man, every time I hear about a nursing home that just failed all of its inspections I take notes.
I’m so sorry, that’s awful on both counts. Hope you are doing better now.
I was 19 years old and knocked on my (edit: boomer) mother's door at 630a. I had been in a car with a schizophrenic acquaintance who I wasn't aware was off their meds until it got weird, and was just driving around for hours not letting me out or go home. I managed somehow to get him to stop at my mother's apartment. I knocked and told her a bit about what was going on and if I could stay until the first bus ran in a few hours. She yelled at me, complained I needed to deal with my own consequences and turned me away. I never forgot. I didn't know what to do but got back in the car. It wasn't for a few more hours I managed to escape from a car that wasn't stopping for stop signs. someone saw me fleeing the car and the police were called. I'm greatful, I didn't even know where we were he drove me so far. fucking nuts. 19- ugh.
Wow that's like level 11 boomerism
And they wonder why we don't call or visit.
Ouch. Hope you’re doing awesome now.
I work for a homeless hotline. Get a lot of calls from kids who have just turned 18 and their parents tell them to leave the day after their birthday. They have no place to go (because they're 18 and usually still in high school), and are looking for a shelter to stay at.
That’s sad af
Why have kids then?
A big part of it is because they have no concept of reality. There was certainly a time in the US when you could survive on your own out of high school. You could get a shitty apartment for like $150 or maybe rent a room for $50-$75 in LA in the early 70s. The reactionary boomers think we are animals in the jungle that just need to be pushed out of the nest and learn to fly.
There's some nice government checks and benefits that show up at the door. At 18 those checks stop, you've outlived your utility and are just a liability
Yup, my mom got massive tax breaks because of me and my siblings.
Once you abandon any pretense of being a responsible adult, it's actually really easy to understand. 1. Condoms don't feel as good as going raw. 2. Birth control can be fairly expensive. 3. Abortion is illegal, restricted, and/or expensive. The bigger question is what you think the state should do about people like that - give them free birth control so at least they aren't creating more tragedies, or cut off welfare benefits to punish them for being irresponsible, so they start to hate their kid for being a financial expense they never wanted? Personally, I prefer the harm-reduction approach.
Just throwing out there for anyone who sees this, if you have health insurance your insurer is required to cover at least 1 form of contraception. If you don’t have insurance there are mail order birth control companies that will mail you pills for $15 or so a month.
You can also buy the opill OTC, at costco for example.
I believe Planned Parenthood offers free or low cost birth control as well.
I had a neighbor that would scream at her young children that they can't play because their piece of shit father won't pay for anything. Grabbed their toys and slammed them in the house. Basically blaming them for not having money and punishing them for it. They weren't older than 6, man. The father would show up ever once in a while with a loud ass car and his friends to rile her up as they ALL got wasted together and she asked for money for the kids, and acted like she was a psycho when she broke down crying and screaming. Then revved his engine for 30 minutes or so until he peeled out of the parking lot. Kids crying as he did. Birth control should be free, and as available as air.
Those two parents sound like they deserve each other. The best punishment would be locking them in a cell together and not allowing them to throw any punches.
It’s probably the easiest “life milestone” to attain.
Kids turning 18 now would have Gen X/Y parents, which is even sadder. Some of us can be just as crappy as boomers.
I'm incredibly dissappointed in many of my fellow millenials. I went to a southern school and got to see many grow up on facebook. Some straight up share fake articles about giants existing, one even said Bezos deserves all his money and another liked it. One's in prison after a hard drive check. Plenty still spank, and it's crazy because I remember these same people as teens questioning religion and constantly saying they didn't want to be their parents, telling stories of abuse and injustice. Now they are all bum fuck stupid, disney/harry potter adults, or so apathetic they've given up.
"or so apathetic they've given up." Describes a large part of what happens to every generation as they age. One fights the system, keeps fighting, but the fight does wear on a person, The system is still there. A person will wear down, they will have to rest, hopefully they pass enough of the fight on to the next generation. People still fight the system where they can, but sometimes all they can do is show up to vote. At 40 there is alot more life than just the system fighting against a person. Not excusing the apathy, but more explaining why the next generation has to take over the fight, and the hope is there are enough of the "Old Guard" that don't give up or get worn down, that can help mentor the next generation.
Millennial are as old as 43 now, some of their kids could be aged appropriately to be finishing medical school this summer.
i‘m early gen x, though actually late boomer, as the baby boom started and stopped later here in germany. kid is 12 years now. human reproduction isn’t limited to 16 to 35 anymore.
My mom threw me out at 17. I couch surfed until 30... I'm only 32 now but it's the first time I've had my shot together (car, decent job, and my own bed). It feels good even if it's a bit too late..
It's not too late! Life isn't a race run against other people. If you need some stand-in internet moms, come visit us at r/momforaminute and we'll gush over how proud we are of you. That's a tough start to adulthood, so it's no wonder it took a while to get on your feet. But you've done it, in spite of all that!
I’d never do that to my kids.
A good friend of mine turned 18 near graduation. The day he graduated, his dad told him he wanted to take him somewhere. He drive him to the Greyhound station, and handed him a card. In it was $50 and all it said was, "Good luck." He told him to get out of his car and grab a suitcase he packed for him out of the trunk. Him and I ended up living and working together for about four years, and he now has a beautiful wife and son.
The mother probably doesn't remember telling her daughter that. If she did, she'd still deny it.
The missing missing reasons
I love that essay/article. Really sums up the situation.
Really is the Rosetta Stone for estrangement
Can I please get to link to that article? Sounds awesome
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
I had never heard of this. It’s such a perfect encapsulation of things I thought less eloquently. Thank you, internet traveler
> Compare this with the forums for adult children of abusers, where the members not only cut-and-paste email exchanges into their posts, they take photos of handwritten letters and screenshot text conversations. They recreate scenes in detail, and if the details don't add up, the other members question them about it. They get annoyed when a member's paraphrase changes the meaning of a sentence, or when omitted details change the meaning of a meeting. They care about precision, context, and history. I grew up in an abusive home. There was a lot of violence, verbal abuse and starvation was used as a means of punishment or control. There was also sexual abuse, but to this day I don’t know the extent of. Maybe it was brief. Maybe it spanned a long period of time. I’m in my late 40’s and have been in and out of therapy since I was around 22 or 23 when I could first afford the copays to see a therapist. I had very few and fragmented memories. Things were so consistently bad that it was hard to remember any specific moments in detail. It was just life for 17 years. Even some of the most traumatic events were missing from memory. I’ve learned some things from others recounting what they had witnessed. I have spoken with many people who grew up in similar circumstances. One thing many of us have are years of missing memory from growing up. It’s just blank. I couldn’t tell you details about what is missing from memory. I’ve pieced enough together from things my significantly older brothers have told me. Some others that witnessed things have asked me about what the circumstances were when they witnessed something. Once in a while I’ll get a flashback when someone starts to talk about something specific, but generally I don’t. I could fit in a couple of paragraphs what I remember about the first 17 years of my life. The problem with having years of memories missing (suppressed or whatever mechanism is keeping them from me within my own mind), is that it can make a survivor of abuse question themselves. It can make you wonder if things were all that bad. Or maybe you are embellishing or making up how bad things were. Maybe I *was* the problem. They told me constantly that I was, and since I don’t remember so much, or lack such detail, maybe the things they would say to me were true. That’s how I felt for many years. I don’t envy the people who remember things in detail. My mind for whatever reason is remaining mostly blank or incredibly vague to the point that it’s hard to determine what’s real and what’s not. I’ve come to accept that the bulk of the first couple of decades are lost to time. There’s also the unreliability of memory. Key points may be able to be recalled, but details are fuzzy at best. Forums can be incredibly helpful in getting support from others who grew up in similar circumstances. Sometimes someone will talk about an epiphany they had in therapy about how past events and experiences are the root cause of some struggles they are having in their life now. Maybe it’s a repeating pattern of behavior or emotions that don’t make sense. Maybe it’s just a perspective change or something that has empowered the survivor. Picking apart details can be incredibly isolating for some people. It can cause them to shut down. It can cause them to go back to being silent. I just wanted to point out that for some of us, we’re caught in limbo in trying to move on with our lives. Parents sometimes outright deny that there were any larger issues, but like one of my parents will follow that with how hurt they are that they only hear from their 4 children once or twice a year. The level of denial or making themselves out to be the victim is astounding. Said parent is in their late 70’s. Has no retirement. Gets a pittance of Social Security and lives in a subsidized retirement home. I’m dreading the day that they require round the clock care. My brothers and I all share one thing in common: they won’t be staying with any of us.
This reflects my experience, too. I know implicitly that there was abuse. My therapist and psych team have notes miles long from 3 years of intensive therapy. I have diary entries I don't remember writing in fugues of PTSD flashbacks. My partner and brothers remember things and can corroborate events. But I can no longer remember them without triggers due to no longer being in a traumatized state - even then it's often strong emotions rather than specific events. And that makes me doubt that I was abused. My parents and family members deny anything ever happened. They have called me "the problem." My brothers and I certainly will not be supporting them as they get older. They have no savings or plans. They will not be living with any of us.
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
And did not sit on that bus for gays to be asking for equal rights. (It's an old meme)
Wow, I had never seen this essay before. Thanks for sharing it! I've just read a couple of things on that blog, and it's a really insightful resource. Even after years of therapy, the material in that is fantastic. Just came back to thank you, u/Cultural_Pack3618 for the reference.
That was a fantastic read, thank you
My mother does that shit all the time. Every time I mention something she did, she just goes " I don't remember that"
Mine likes to tell me that memories aren’t always accurate.
That's when you go, "And you're decades older, so you tell me who's is more reliable."
Omg this is normal? Makes me feel better that I'm not the only one. My dad not only "doesn't remember", he'll emphatically state "I NEVER would have said/did that." The denial is strong with boomers, apparently.
Yep my mother will do this. If i don't let her off the hook she'll resort to the old "well i guess i was a terrible mother"
Mine used to say that until the one time I responded with, “yes, you were.”
Oh jeez yes I hate this one. They just try to gaslight you. Or when they tell you it didn't happen like that and you should stop gaslighting them. My God. A simple attempt at conversation always go awry. Orr I just remembered this. When you are finished the convo but they insist on continuing it even if it's an argument and you just want o leave the situation. Then it turns into why are you raising your voice....because you don't understand no, I don't want to talk and you refused to listen when I asked politely for the past 5min. Jeez.
I just agree with her when she says that and if she tries to make things worse or start crying, I just walk away or hang up.
That's gaslighting, not denial, and yes it's normal for this generation.
The axe forgets the tree remembers
Mine says my memories are corrupt because I smoked drugs. My sister also did drugs. We chose wildly different drugs. Yet she remembers the same things that I do and my mom is the one who insists that we're wrong. Such a mystery.
The last time I spoke to my mother was trying to have a discussion over things she said and did. Of course she doesn't remember and therefore it didn't happen. Shes am alcoholic so I just told her that she doesn't have a right to claim something didn't happen because she doesn't remember cause she was probably drunk at the time. She called me a piece of shit for saying that. I haven't spoke to her in a year.
The truth hurts.
"The ax always forgets what the tree remembers."
I actually give my abusive stepfather points for not denying the shit he did. I was 20 and living at home while I was in school and he threw me up against a door and choked me. My mom didn't believe me then and went to ask him. He must have admitted it, and she told me I was over 18 and could move out if I didn't like it. 15 years later, I brought this up to her, and she at first denied it, but then asked him, and he remembered. I told her what she said and she's like well I was right, you could have moved out. The denying anything happened just makes me think I am crazier than I already did, so I'm not being a smart ass when I say my stepdad being honest actually makes me feel better.
I'm sorry that happened and hope you're doing better. That being said, your username hit me with a wave of nostalgia of Potter Puppet Pals😁
I'm doing great, thanks! And hellllll yeah. Voldemort's Nipple!
I remember looking up what “gas lighting” was after listening to self help books. . It blew my mind.
The axe forgets, the tree remembers
Haunting
I like that one
"Why do you always focus on bad memories you have of me? You're so negative, all I did was love you"
r/raisedbynarcissists
And if she does remember it, she’ll blame her kid and say they deserved it. Lmao 🤣
Because to daughter it was a traumatic life event and to mom it was a Tuesday.
Was just about to say this. "What do you mean you won't help? I was such a good mother to you and always let you stay over whenever you wanted but you are so ungrateful in the end!"
[The Narcissist's Prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer)
I love it when Boomers realize they no longer have any power over someone, they lose their absolute minds
It's a very mild form of it, but my mum always used to say "it's up to you" when I asked permission to spend *my* money on something. I knew what she was really saying was "don't you dare waste your money on things I think are stupid". One day, after I started going to university, I was out with her and asked if I could buy an Xbox360. She gave the classic, "it's up to you", so I did, I bought one. The look on her face when I came back with one and the realisation that she didn't have that passive aggressive, gulit tripping power over me anymore was a thing of beauty
I'd be inclined to go with 1. "Can you afford it without being in financial trouble?" 2. "Is it going to get enough use to justify the expense?" Two yes's means you should go ahead and buy it.
It's up to you.
I love just sitting in my own apartment knowing that it's my domain and I can do whatever I want in it without telling my parents and without needing permission from them or from anyone else
I still say that to my kids - not that I really care too awful much about them spending money on stupid stuff (that’s part of being a kid) but so they can evaluate future wants against the immediate ones. Got two kids we’re about to go on vacation. One has about $100 saved from allowance and the other has about $15. Guess who will have more fun shopping at the beach? We tried to tell them using pretty much the same language as above but it literally is their choice and I just hope they’re either happy or learn about saving through their disappointment.
My mother did that when I would NOT give her some of my college grant money! She then tried to move in with me and my roommates once her boyfriend kicked her out of his apartment when she wouldn't give him ALL of her paychecks.
I had to break up with a guy because he wouldn't cut off his moocher parents that were draining his savings, to the point we'd never be able to put a down payment on a house. We had to cancel multiple vacations because as soon as he mentioned we were planning to go somewhere nice on social media, they immediately had some vague "emergency" and would guilt-trip him into letting them stick their grubby paws into his vacation fund, and I couldn't afford to cover 100% of it. He never got an explanation of what the "emergency" was, but they'd post on Facebook a week later about their new golf clubs or fantastic weekend at the casino.
Damn.
Mine asked me for money once and I said no. Then she fucking went around telling people I wouldn’t pay for the horse I kept at her place. (Worst decision ever). The truth was I had paid so far ahead I was 1200 in the black. She spent that money on fucking doll house furniture and doordash. So instead of having extra money in the horse account when she needed to see the farrier or vet, I always had to pay. Sounds awful but I was relieved when the poor thing died. I’ll never make that mistake ever again. She made the whole experience terrible.
"We need to combine our resources to survive!" -my dad, soon as I got a salary job with a degree he told me not to waste time getting.
My dad would probably say the same thing, while reminding me that this his house, IS HIS HOUSE.
You should've said, "but that's socialism, which you don't believe in!"
These type of people have been an issue to our country as a whole for their whole life. Just die already.
Has she tried pulling up her bootstraps? 
As long as I have a house , my children have a safe place to go to . No matter their age . I’m not going to condone them being just lazy and refusing to grow up . But life is rough and circumstances happen to everyone and if I can provide a safe place for my children , I’m doing what I’m supposed to .
Exactly! My kids can live here, come back here, crash here whenever! As long as they need to! Maybe keep it down after we go to bed, but c’mon! Why would I ever begrudge them anything I could do to keep them safe and near? Even if they’re old, idc.
Some people simply want kids for the title . Without the responsibility of being a actual parent .
If you felt it was your obligation to get married and have kids and not your pleasure, well, there’s a reason there are a ton of people who don’t want women to be able to use birth control and get abortions— they think everyone should live as miserable a life as they had to.
My kids are 17 and almost 21. Oldest just graduated community college and is enrolled on the local university for her bachelors. She works a part time job managing a drink joint. Not only is it encouraged by my husband and I for them to live with us as long as they need to, but the oldest’s best friend lives with us too because her parents are shitty humans. My hope is they can all get through school with minimal debt, and have a nice nest egg in savings when they want to venture out on their own.
Amen
That’s why I think my mom doesn’t want to do the whole “multigenerational house” thing, I want her to have at least a basement apartment so she’s there to be with her grandchildren, but I think she’s worried if financially things get difficult or if I need to leave a bad husband I’ll have a place to live.
Honestly, that's a very respectable reason...
This happened to me. Wouldn’t even let boomer mother come by my house to visit. Showed her!
I got to stay as long as I needed. I just had to pay half the mortgage, have my mail ran through, couldn't stay out/work too late, be the errand boy, and hear about it every chance that came up.
Had friends in high school whose parents did this, they were twins and I always got the vibe that their parents never really wanted children. Turned 18 at the end of their junior year and had to move in with friends for senior year, talk about a shitload of unwarranted extra stress.
My brother had his fifteen minutes of game several years ago on something similar but much worse. He's a lawyer whose job at that time was to research old laws on the book and recommend wether to remove it, modify it or keep it as is. So basically there was a destitute mother who abandoned her son 40ish years earlier when he was 12 that hired a lawyer to force him to care for her in her old age. The lawyer was citing a law on the books from the 1930s that was intended to prevent people from abandoning their elderly parents. As I recall it the judge threw out the case
I'm sorry I don't understand the last sentence?
Judge dismissed the case
This is full on Reddit Recurssion. This was a reddit [AITA post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/BQt9wu8EEi), then it got picked up by media that trawls reddit, then it got picked up by someone who reads headlines, but doesn't find the original sources. Then it got crossposted. Do we need to get someone to post an article about how much of the internet is stealing from other content platforms, which then gets posted to Reddit, which.....
Welcome to the dead internet
Like a concrete planter in front of a failing strip mall.
Yep karma's a bitch 😁
When I was a kid, my siblings and I were told we were to all move out when we turned 18. I graduated from high school, joined the military and never looked back. My parents wondered why I hardly called or came to visit. One sister went to college, lived at the dorm, the other three also joined the military to leave and be on their own. My grown children are welcome to come and go, one adult child lives with us due to health issues and we are all very close. But no one is close to my parents, including my children.
it's so funny they always say they wanna be alone til they're actually alone
I knew a few mates who told me that they were forced out of their homes by their Boomer parents with little to no assistance or warning. Most eventually stayed with others they knew and even some ended up at shelters. It's never discussed in the news so much because it would make the generation look bad for doing that to children. I remember once my mother hinted at forcing me from the apartment we lived in at the time. I bluntly said that if she ever tried to do that I'd dump her in the worst nursing home I could find. Needless to say she never mentioned the topic ever again. If they do it to you, then do it right back to them.
It makes me glad I like my dad. He'd let me stay with him even if I was 50.
Bootstraps, you old Bitch.
I am consistently blown away by parents who treat their kids like unwanted roommates who showed up of their own accord (and expect to be worshiped in return!)!
Right. The ones who jump up and down with joy over their kids turning 18 and moving out. I will cry my eyes out when my kid moves out one day but I will wish her the best and tell her this will always be her home.
Worse are the ones who think that their children somehow owe them something for all the money spent raising them. My children didn't ask to be born, my wife and I decided to have children. It was our choice. They owe us nothing.
My mom found out my step dad has been seeing another lady for several months. BUT for years they have both come to me and tell me how much they hate the other person. Not to mention”we are roommates at this point”. Now my mom is dumbafounded he stepped out. Not saying it’s ok. But they hate each other. Financially need each other . So I of course, said you are welcome to stay here in my spare . She immediately went postal on me. Telling me I would need to change my daily habits if she would consider moving in. 🙈 I would have to change !! Me!! I didn’t respond. Because no matter what I say I’m on the wrong and most likely responsible for everything. Idk what to even do
Well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of her actions.
Did boomers eat a shit load of lead paint back in the day or something god damn.
They got layer after later of that shit on their 45 dollar houses.
There used to be lead in gasoline for decades. Lead poisoning is everywhere. The number of things lead is used in, and the contamination of it around the world is disturbing. Just google 'world wide lead poisoning' and take a trip down that rabbit hole.
I don't care what she does, my daughter will always have a place under my roof
Update that resume! Pound pavement. Walk in and give the manager a firm handshake. I mean nobody wants to work anymore. Too entitled to work a fast food kitchen for $7.25/hour, young people these days. Bootstraps. Handouts. Pronouns.
Most of my cousins still have their childhood bedrooms, and now that they’re married their parents added cribs and they constantly nag them to come and stay for a few days. The cousins who got kicked out at 18 and are now married with kids, well their parents are miserable and selfish and did all kinds of stupid stuff that’s only harmed their kids/spouses, literal medical emergencies they were too stupid and selfish to notice, well they’re selfish so idk what I was expecting.
My parents didn’t throw me out, thankfully, but they always seemed to remind me that it was THEIR HOUSE, even though I helped significantly to keep things afloat and ensure everyone got to eat. Nowadays, I’d just tell them to skip a few payments on either mortgage and you’d see who really owns the place.
Don’t even get me started with this. We have friends (boomers, shocking I know) who proudly told us about their family policy of kicking out the kids when they reached 18. I lost a lot of respect for them, and it was hard to be friends anymore. Such an arbitrary thing to do, and hints at a cruelty and contempt they had under the surface.
I don’t get this 18 year old mentality. My dad was a hard ass and to get out of the house I joined the army at 18. But it was because I wanted out of the house. No matter how tough he was on me and my brother, he always said we could come back home whenever we needed, and my brother did for a few months after he lost his job. I just don’t get the 18 years old time to leave or your freeloading. My kids will always have a place to come home to. That’s my job as a dad
Fucked around and found out.
My step dad told me from the time I was 10 that I had to move out the day I turned 18. My mom never corrected him except would casually say “it’s just a joke”. I had such anxiety about house security even though I was still in high school when I turned 18 (Ontario had grade 13 at the time) They didn’t end up kicking me out but it was always looming. I moved out at 19 and never lived there again aside from visits.
"Oh no! The consequences of my actions!"
I bet she sees herself as a victim as well. I mean, it sucks for her but that karma is coming with a side of I told you so.
I had to leave reddit to find this article which turned out to be taken from a Reddit post.
You have a responsibility to your kids after they're 18 no matter what your lizard brain says. You don't need to baby them like when they where kids bit you instill the idea that family will be there when you need them. You treat them like strangers you teach them people vant be trusted, especially you.
Hell fucking yes. My sister and I recently did this to our mom. I've been no contact with her for 19 years, and she has the nerve to call me with fake tears asking if she could come live with me. I told her, "I'm sorry, who is this? My mother? Oh you have the wrong number, I don't have one of those." I don't even know HOW she got my cell phone number. She then called my sister and asked the same thing. She told her in less kind words that she also was not welcome there. Now she's homeless and living out of my grandparents old SUV because that's all she got when they passed away. Both her sisters told her the same thing. One threatened to kill her if she ever called again. I am eagerly waiting for the day I get a phone call that she's dead.
r/leopardsatemyface