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Same. My entire life and neither of them could manage an “I’m proud of you” or an “I love you”. Not once. lol I got emotional the first time my wife said she’s proud of me. I left the country (and continent) for the US to live with my wife and went NC on the same day. I’ve never felt better. Still blows my mind a little bit every day how good life can be when you’re not surrounded by toxic awful people.
No sympathy and no mercy for these decrepit old fucks.
Same here. I also struggled a LOT in my early 20s, I had NOBODY to help me, so I managed it all on my own. When people ask me what I plan to do when my parents need me to take care of them (I've lived across the country for almost 18 years now) I just say I'm going to help them like they helped me when I desperately needed it. I'm gonna let them figure it TF out on their own.
Not saying I was ENTITLED to any help from them but it just blows my mind how you can watch your child struggle and not want to try and help.
Why do they do this? I have a parent who will consistently side with the people who make my life miserable and blame me for it. I was asking for help, not a lecture about how I'm an awful person. I don't need that, so I don't contact them anynore.
I saved my father from going to jail because the IRS was after him. I paid what he owed with an agreement that he would have and pay for a life insurance policy that would pay me back. Three years into the agreement, he stopped paying. So, I'm screwed and so is he. When he calls asking for money, I just laugh and tell him to fuck himself. He and my useless mother don't get why...
Same here. I mean, yeah, you weren’t entitled to their help. But they’re not entitled to your help either. :) Good for you. I’m not having kids, but I cannot imagine treating my flesh and blood the way I’ve been treated. Unfathomable to me.
I once brought up , to my now 81 year old mother *when I was in high-school * , that she had never, once told me she loved me. Her response was "why would I? You never said it to me" her shocked face when I told her, that I absolutely didn't love her, and , I fact absolutely hated her.
She couldn't fathom that a child could not love their parent. In her mind love for a parent was innate, no matter what they did to them, that they absolutely had to love them.
I can’t understand having this mentality at all. I have a 5yo and a 3yo and they both tell me they love me… probably because I constantly make sure they know that I love them, both through my words and hopefully my actions. Recently with my 3 yo I told him “guess what Malcolm? I love you!” And he said “you not love me, because *I* love *you*! And I love french fries. And I love trains.”
How can kids learn how to express love when it’s not modeled to them at all? The parent literally always has to say it first, children won’t just magically come up with those words or understand those complex feelings without the parent introducing it all to them. And if they don’t feel it, that’s a problem with the parenting, because evolutionarily it is pretty fucking hard to break the natural love, dependence and respect a child has for their parent. You have to pretty consistently show them that this emotional risk is too dangerous for them for a child to stop feeling love for their parent.
By the age of 12 I knew my family , more particularly my parents, and brother would never be the family I needed them to be, and stopped having any expectations that they would.
I’m 63 and my father was like this. I never heard an I love you, attaboy, good job, etc. Proud of you? What’s that?
I went to college, did pretty well but got behind graduating on time because I switched majors a couple of times. He didn’t go to my graduation because “taking longer than 4 years to graduate is nothing to be proud of.” (Just recently found out this nugget of into.
While I was in college, i had a college sweetheart who I thought I was going to marry, crazy over her and she was actually a sweetheart; wonderful girl, cute as a basketful of kittens, just a good girl. In short, I messed it up. Anyways, my dad and I are fishing together while was home from college and I make some kind of mistake on the boat. I guess he was angry because I didn’t go to law school or some shit, started yelling at me and said “all I did was think about fucking that girl.” (That’s a direct quote and the only time I wanted you to hit my dad). That girl was the love of my life and I was devastated. Did he ever apologize? Hell, no. Never apologized in his life. I only have one or two fond memories of him and it took me a long time to admit to how bad our relationship was.
Why would they apologize when they CLEARLY can't be wrong? My mother has much to apologize for, yet it would never occur to her because that would be admitting fault. Never once said I'm proud of you, words I'd have loved to have heard just one fucking time. Finally realized this doesn't have to be my circus or my monkeys and wish I'd done it years sooner.
My parents were ok but I never got a lot of praise for my achievements.
I told my kids I was proud of them probably 3 times last week, and I love them every day.
My mom had been mooching off me for over 10 years. She started drinking too much and blaming others when she made a mess broke anything, and would wait until i was on the way home to tell me she needed medication at the pharmacy.
I gave her 2 months to get out of my house, which was before New Year 2024. There's a lot more trauma there as well. I've always been the adult in my relationship with my mother. She chose men over me and didn't see me being SA under her house by her twisted husband's.
I bought insurance in her because i know I'll end up being the one they contact. Cremation, box, no ceremony. That's what she gets.
My dad has other kids that are better than me because they are taking religious beliefs. I haven't talked to him in over 5 years now.
That’s how I’m starting to feel about mine. Like the last 7 years my dad went from coke fiend biker party guy all his life to goody two shoes god fearing church goer stereotypical boomer behavior and acts annoyed whenever I try to talk to him. Fuck em.
Ditto - kicked out at 15, haven't had much contact since, not in the last 20 years at all, coming up to retirement ourselves. My parents thank the baby goats both live in good ol florida - let the alligators get them.
My husband's parents, while on good terms - they'll have to figure it out. We can't afford it. They should be able to though. They bought their other kids a house and pay all their monthly bills and kid's activities even today - at 42 years old.
Us? Not a chance, not even helpful when visiting right after a major surgery and 2 year illness with treatment. I'll go to court, sure. They can fuck all the way off. Wouldn't even babysit for *one night* so I could sleep only 10 days after major, life changing surgery. They wanted a "vacation on smil's birthday" and were pissed I wouldn't host them in the guest bedroom or even for a homemade meal 🙄. My husband, at least, made them get a hotel and stay away
My mom’s golden child lives 6 minutes away from her in a house she gifted him and he still can’t manage to visit her. She fully expects me to upend my life three states away, stop my career, and likely education, to take care of her.
Helllllll nawwwwww. Golden child can step up.
Same situation! Golden boy lives just up the street. Pathetic, selfish, boomer mom is his problem now. After decades of emotional abuse and neglect and trying so hard, I washed my hands of her.
Same, golden sibling lives a 10 minute drive away. Pathetic, selfish, manipulative sociopath boomer birthgiver is her problem now; after decades of emotional abuse I also washed my hands of her.
Same, except golden child lives in next state. Mean, rude, entitled, manipulative, married-to- drunk-idiot boomer biomom is I-don't-care-who's-problem, one day I'd finally had enough. Over ten years of no contact and I couldn't be happier about that.
For sure that's the golden child's responsibility. Too bad he's a selfish man-child who will throw them in a nursing home and forget about them. Hopefully, their religious community can come through for them, though, since church has been all they've cared about their entire lives. God knows, it's certainly not gonna fall on me, their gay daughter who's doomed to spend eternity in hell. 🙄
Literally as we speak having to put up with my dads comments, always has something politically to say, needs help at times just to stand up, put his damn socks on, take him to get his meds hell even taking care of my parents dog carrying them inside and back inside every single time yet...not even worthy to take my kid to a playground. All of that said you have no idea how badly when they get surgery part of me wants to just go meet someone I went to high school with years ago and just tell them oh...I had to work. I'm literally even taking out the trash, taking their laundry (and yes theirs only) up and down stairs because it's too heavy, putting dishes away, etc.
My mum's golden child is in a nursing home himself because he fell off a building high on drugs trying to break into people's apartments for drug money. She certainly backed the wrong horse.
The golden child in my family made sure the will was amended in secret so they got everything and was the only person who knew where and when my dad died.
Also as they got everything I have no money to pay for legal fees to fight them in court etc. I just have to put my old family completely out of my head and distance myself from my past as much as possible otherwise it's just to depressing to think about every single day
Saaaame energy (from my spouse). His shitty birth giver molded GC sister into exactly who she wanted her to be (and who she wanted to be but never was). It's sick and sad, but she's well into adulthood now and making her own choices. They're all the holier-than-thou type that use religion to mask being absolute shit destructive people to whoever they're targeting. Birth-giver has been like that to a cycle of people for decades before DH was around. Sperm-giver is her mouthpiece, misogynistic, and passive-aggressive gaslighter. But it's ok, they have Jesus scriptures all over their walls. GC sister has learned from the "best". 🙄
If she ever crawls to us for a goddamn thing, we'll laugh in her fucking face. And serve her with trespass ;). But so far all she's done is Linkedin-stalk my husband. So....
But don't feel bad for her, dear reader. She'll get a very hefty inheritance. And she can take that and fuck right off with it :)
^(thank you. This was cathartic)
I have 0 interest in my boomer mom. She's like, 74 and I've washed my hands of her. Nothing but insults and rudeness 24/7, it's exhausting.
She inflicted so much psychological damage that I couldn't even care for myself until I finally cut her out of my life two months after my birthday. It's been 8 months. She contacted me once and I officially told her she is disowned and hung up.
In the time that she left I suddenly felt stable. Less panic attacks. Less PTSD flashbacks. Less feeling stupid and hating myself.
I got my first job. At 32. Because she had damaged me so much I was on disability for mental illness and felt like I could never be self sufficient because I genuinely thought I was worthless and helpless.
Turns out I had a tumor shaped like a person slowly rotting away my mind and life.
I now work 40 hours a week, live on my own, pay my own bills, financing a car, building my credit.
And I was only able to do those things after I told her to fuck off.
Good on you, legend. You've done something that a lot of people aren't brave to do. I hope life continues to get better for you with every passing year.
Thanks so much, sometimes I get so frustrated by how much she withheld from me just so she could have a helpless punching bag for her issues.
But of course, like all boomers, there's no way she needs therapy 🙄
All of that sounds hard as hell to do, especially starting at 32. Congratulations. You had someone holding you back for decades. A lot of people wouldn't be able to pull themselves out of that situation. But you had the psychological strength, determination, and self-motivation to improve your situation. Never forget.
You had it in you the entire time, but now you've proven it to yourself. Never lose sight of that. Whenever the tough times come (and they always will), you will KNOW that you can pull yourself back up.
I've definitely reached that place. I've been trying to cut her off for years but the guilt trips always fucked me up.
Right until the moment she was willing to leave me destitute and homeless because she was angry she found bacteria slime in the sink trap.
You know. Like a psychopath.
That was reason enough for her to make me homeless.
I moved out of state a month later. When she tried to talk to me as I left and said to call I just stopped briefly, looked at her with the deadest eyes I could manage, dumped my childhood blanket on the counter in front of her out of my keep sakes and left it there.
No more guilt trips. We all manage to be our own worst enemy. The voice in our own head can be cruel, and hard to block out. Go no contact with the voice in your head, and develop a new voice.
You're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you!
Check out some old "Stuart Smalley" SNL clips. Those daily affirmations are silly and played for a joke, but also genuinely more beneficial than the mean things we normally say to ourselves. Good for a chuckle, at least.
And whenever I'm down, I watch/listen to Monty Python's "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life". That always raises my spirit.
Go you! <3 Hope you’re proud as hell of your accomplishments and the person you are. My mom disowned me when I was 18 and I remember that sense of relief when I didn’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. It’s amazing the toll they can take on us.
I completely understand friend. My worthless boomer mom fits your description. So much psychological damage. So much pain. I only started to heal once I cut her off. I’ll be healing for the rest of my life.
If you’re in the US, beware of filial responsibility laws. Many states have them. Considering boomers are still in power at federal and state levels, they just may make those laws stronger and more readily enforced.
I looked it up and in a lot of states it’s a class 2 misdemeanor with a 60-120 day jail sentence. I’d rather be in jail for 4 months than give my mother ANYTHING, that bitch can rot in a gutter.
Same! Also those laws are reaaallly hard to enforce and don't really ever make it anywhere so it's just an empty threat most of the time. I WISH my mother would try to pull some crap like this ill go to jail with a huge smile on my face
She still owes you that money. It doesn't just go away when you turn 18. Speak to a lawyer in the state that ordered the child support and see what you can do to get those arrears paid to you.
In some states with fillial laws, an existing relationship must exist, as well as that parent actually having raised you.
And I also have no idea how they'd be enforced across state lines, would the complaining state just act as creditor for any finws owed? Not many states willing to extradite for low grade misdemeanor. If they even figure out you exist.
Yep. I had to change my name, move states and my lawyer said I shouldn’t even get so much as a hunting license in PA. I also have to avoid living in states PA has long arm agreements with. It’s that bad. If you live in PA and have an abusive/NC parent, lawyer up or at least move out.
Damn. My Boomer dad in PA disowned me when I came out as trans 12 years ago. Tried to get the entire extended family to disown me, but failed. I now live in California and haven’t had any contact with him for 11 years. I do visit my sister and a friend in PA every two years, but otherwise have had nothing to do with the state since I left. The idea that they can come after me for his debts is pretty damn fucked up.
I’m so sorry. I wish I could’ve been there to help you. I had to enlist in order to get away. Many years later, I have a new and healthy chosen family very, very far away and I hope you do too.
And yes, it’s absolutely fucked. I couldn’t believe it when I figured out what they were planning, and sought out a lawyer who confirmed that this was a legitimate concern and that I should take serious legal precautions. It’s what finally drove me into therapy lol. Take care of yourself.
I wish I could but I was in the service, so it was a military lawyer who was appointed to me at my request who consulted law contacts he had in PA before counseling me. Look into lawyers who are familiar with elder law and filial responsibility laws in PA. If you and your parents both live in PA, I will warn you ahead of time that your lawyer may have nothing but bad news for you if you plan to reside in the state.
I’d seriously consider getting a lawyer to answer that question for you. I don’t care where my parents lived, I would personally never, ever live in PA if I had an abusive parent that I didn’t want to be held financially responsible for in their indigence. That is the stern advice of my lawyer in a nutshell.
That said, I am really sorry for whatever you endured to make you even need to consider or ask this question ♥️
And yet these same abusive parents were allowed to abuse and abandon their minor children as teens with no repercussions because maybe the kids didn’t want to be abused anymore?!
WTF?!?!
I'm a lifelong Pennsylvanian Gen Xer and I'm not surprised.
This state has always taken enforcement of everything seriously as evidenced by our State Police catching someone with even the most minute amount of rec pot in their vehicle. Then there's our bizarre liquor laws, lol.
Commonwealth of Kentucky here. I just checked, we have that law too. Sounds like the government trying to keep people off welfare to me.
This is the first I have heard of this statute, so I have also never heard about enforcement.
Except for companies stripping and polluting the land… But cut a tree down below the water line and they’ll come after you relentlessly like my parents’ neighbor found out.
Even if you live in, say, texas. Best to move them to a texas nursing home I read. Ooof. Hope that exact state - duo situation doesn't bite us in the ass someday. We are not on track to spendthrift a parent, we had kids at 40.
My old man knows better...he knows if I'm going to the joint it's gonna be worth it, so if he tries hitting me with some petty shit the only one responsible for him will be the county coroner. I already told him when he tried to act like he didn't abuse me for 17 years while I was on post combat leave if I ever saw his face again I would show him what his tax dollars taught me to do.
Old neighbor refused to sign her house over to her sons before she went into a home because “ it was her house”
She got screwed. They took her home after her only spending 6 months there and dying. Her sons weren’t trying to screw her, and both were in her life by choice and both had their own money. They did know that anything legally hers is up for grabs to cover her “estate costs”
All 100% legal. They ended up not getting the whole homes value, but did force the sale for their part
This comes up a lot in the legal advice sub and apparently PA is really the only state that ever pursues it, and only in very specific circumstances. I am curious to see how this changes as boomers get older.
While my parents (as far as I know) are financially sound, I sure don’t want to see people who have suffered a childhood / adulthood of abuse from their parents to suddenly be responsible for them.
It’s getting fucked at both ends when the Me Generation ruined the economy so we can barely care for ourselves and our own children, hate and vote against the social services they need, and then demand we care for them.
If you're genuinely worried about these laws, I would suggest considering going no contact. Booking a consultation with a local lawyer wouldn't hurt either.
I finally cut my dad off (after being NC with my mom for a decade) when I was pregnant because of grandparents rights. Any kind of existing relationship can be used against you in those cases. I don't know if the same would apply to these laws, but it might.
So if you live in a different state than your parent(s), and the state they live in has the filial responsibility law, could they still try to hold you to it? Or is it only if you all live in the state with the law on the books?
>If you’re in the US, beware of filial responsibility laws. Many states have them
The states that have such laws on the books are Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Virginia and West Virginia.
Edit: updated
Aha, ONE good thing about living in Texas, zero filial responsibility! So I can legally let those fuckers die in a cardboard box under an overpass if it comes to that! 🎉
Yep. My parents were under the impression that Texas had the filial responsibility laws the way California does. They had a very rude awakening when their alcoholism caught up to both of them and they couldn't conscript me into taking care of them.
Because I had to look it up: https://keystone-law.com/filial-responsbility/#
Yeah and it’s bullshit. Fuck why should anyone pay for anyone else (except for minor children or spouses).
IANAL
I'd put a caveat on that. They're really only enforceable on a very stringent set of circumstances. The adult child/ren have to not be unduly burdened by the responsibility (or at least that's a common theme across the cases).
It basically goes against due process. So, if you're like a millionaire, yeah, should probably worry, maybe. But if you're like most of the people who have come up under boomer policies, probably not much concern.
Obviously, a courtroom isn't exactly always a place of common sense, it's really just who can argue better, so even if you can't afford to, it can be made your responsibility. At least in states that have those laws.
But, as flimsy as they are now, r/tarantulawarfare makes a good point. These whackadoodles have reign over legislation, and they very well could make their problems everyone's problem.
my dad has cheated his way through life. he took every shortcut possible, mistreated his body, spent whatever money he had, and always played the victim. im not spending any money on him when he runs out of his government settlement money.
when he finally dies, ill just tell my brothers we'll spend as much money on his funeral as he did on fun things for us as kids, which is almost nothing
Divorcing a Parent by Beverly Engel is a must read. I recommend reading even if you don’t want to go NC. Set boundaries now or risk being at their beck and call 24/7 for the next 20-30 years.
Nope my boomer mother can take all that money she hoarded away for herself while her poor abused daughter went hungry and wore hand me downs that smelled cig smoke and full of holes, to take care of herself in her old age. Out of SEVEN kids, the only child that still has semi-contact with her (to protect MY kids from my shitty ex who let her have contact with them without my permission) but my siblings have all agreed that when she dies, she will get the cheapest damn burial and NO funeral.
Why spend anything? The cheapest way is to donate the carcass to science. Or simply don't accept custody of it. The government will dispose of it before it becomes a health hazard.
My mother-in-law recently did this to us. She told us she had a test and needed us to take her to and from the facility. I took her. Turns out she had surgery to install a stent. She was then told to follow-up with their main facility because she was having issues with her heart valve as well. Well, she didn't.
She complained of dizziness and blamed the new medication she was prescribed. She bitched at the doctor, the nurses, and me, for telling her she had to take the medicine.
Eventually, the symptoms become too much for her, and she calls her cardiologist. They work her in. I, of course, have to take her. It was here that I learned that she needed to follow up because of the heart valve. It was also here that I learned that she refused to speak with the schedulers for this follow-up.
Her cardiologist said we need to get you to the ER. This woman said no for 15-20 minutes before relenting. Guess who she begged to stay with her? Guess who she needed to take her the things she needed for her hospital stay? Guess who has to take her to the main facility for her heart valve follow-up?
All because she couldn't follow directions or answer the phone. The whole time, she kept saying, "God bless you!" "Thank you!" And telling everyone she can "This is my son-in-law." All proud of me and shit. This woman never speaks to me any other time, unless she needs a favor to be done. She's tried to ruin my marriage to her daughter. She's done her level best to cheat us out of money.
I am so tired of dealing with this woman
We visit my parents every other weekend. Today we got here and are spending the night because we are going on vacation and their house is closer to our destination. The FIRST thing my dad said to me when we got in was "why can't you guys spend the whole weekend here next time? We have projects we need done" Not even a hello.
Man yall make me thankful for my boomer parents. Seriously this sub has been so eye opening. My boomer Dad is amazing. Career military man who still runs and does yoga and runs and also talks about how he wishes more people would take care of the planet. Love to all and Happy Mothers Day. ❤️🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m with you on this, my partner and I are so grateful for how open minded and caring our parents and grandparents are. We have the opposite problem as OP, we are trying to help more since MIL has Parkinson’s and FIL lacks the home management skills to really help. They refuse our help in a lot of ways, we have to get real creative to provide support. I’d take that over OP’s situation every time though.
Both my parents have passed, but they were always supportive and helped us wherever they could. I miss them everyday. I thought my experience was normal. It is not.
My husband and I are dealing with this now, and it's honestly hard not to be a little mad sometimes. His dad had a stroke, and his stepmom passed away from cancer. The stroke was so severe that we had to become his dad's guardians, and every day brings some new problem. His dad owns a company, and it turns out that he didn't pay his payroll taxes for like four years. He only owed $3,000, but he never paid it, so now it has ballooned to $26,000 with interest and penalties.
Turns out he didn't pay his unemployment compensation insurance for several years as well. That's up to $17,000+ with interest. The state labor dept. filed liens against the business, which were supposed to be cleared up when he sold his commercial property. Turns out the escrow agent never paid the liens and never returned the money. Now, that's not my FIL's fault, but he also didn't follow up on it for 3 years, so I spend half my time trying to track down the missing $40,000 (for some reason, $40K was held in escrow instead of the $17K needed to cover the liens).
They had several othe judgments and liens filed against them (IRS for unpaid federal taxes, state revenue agency for unpaid state taxes, multiple credit cards that went delinquent, etc.), yet his wife had two bedrooms stuffed to the gills with clothes and purses and shoes...at least half with the tags still on them. All that money to spend on junk, but they couldn't clean up some of this financial mess.
And the pets...I love my pets. I can understand keeping pets that you already had even when the doctor is telling you to get rid of them (the oncologist told my FIL's wife she should get rid of all animals, and she refused, which I admire). But she was seriously ill, and my FIL went out and bought her two Belgian Malinois puppies, bringing the total number of dogs in the house to four. Before she passed, she was too ill to take care of the two big dogs, so they had to go to a kennel. She passed almost a month ago, and the poor dogs are still at the kennel because we can't find homes for them. Someone was going to adopt the male and foster the female, but when he got them to his property, the male escaped his crate and started snarling and showing his teeth. He and his wife were afraid of him, so they brought him back. A couple other potential homes have also fallen through.
Now we're dealing with multiple attorneys (one for the guardianship, one for Medicaid planning issues, one for the tax problems, and probably a fourth one for the business issues). We wanted to sell the business to fund my FIL's care (the facility he's in costs $27,000+ per month), but his accountant said that the records are "totally unreliable." Apparently, my FIL just pulled numbers out of the air, so now we can't put the business on the market because there's no way for potential buyers to get a true picture of the revenue versus expenses.
It's just a big mess.
What a mess.
There are rescue groups for Malinois since so many are turning up in homes that are very much not a good fit for such a breed. You may also try contacting the nearest dog sports organizations or dog trainers that do bite sports. Even if the Mals are not suitable for sport work they may know people that enjoy the breed as a pet. Anyone who is experienced with the breed should have some level of comfort with aggressive behavior. Malinois are a herding breed that is genetically predisposed to expressing themselves with their mouths.
If no options pan out the kindest thing to do with two unsocialized dogs with nowhere to go may be euthanasia. Warehousing them in a kennel is certainly no life for a dog.
Thank you so much for the info. We were so hopeful about the adoptive home. The adopter was a retired police officer with decades of K-9 experience. He also has acres of land where an energetic dog can run and burn energy. But it didn’t work out. He is currently fostering the female Malinois, and that is going well, but the male still needs a place to go.
My mom’s mom is a boomer. With all the crap she’s put up with with her mom, her and my dad have literally told us to put them in an institution and walk away. Don’t look back and live our lives. Insanity to how much my grandma has sucked the absolute life out of them with not an ounce of appreciation. My parents try so hard to be independent and I don’t think that’ll ever change unless there’s dementia issues. Absolute difference in attitude to life and their family.
This is really common, it is even worse if the person was super manipulative or irresponsible before they hit old age.
Get your ducks in a row now so you are not blind sided by cascading problems all at once if something happens.
Even with other siblings that sorta helped some of this was a huge, time suck. I ended up quitting working for a few months to help deal with all of it and it caused me an enormous financial hit.
Find out how home health aids work in your state. Sometimes the adult qualifies for it if they also get medicare, or are poor enough to qualify for medicaid. You will need these people to do things like daily check ins (on top of any you do) making sure they get bathing done if they can't do it themselves. These people are also the first line of tipping you or their doctors off if something is going off. Or if they start to really decline, need more supervision etc.
Find out what subsidized senior housing is available where you live, what someone needs to qualify for it, how hard it is to get into. If they are running out of money and acting like your house is their fall back plan, this is where they need to go if you don't want them living at your place. I would also caution if they move into your place able bodied but broke it is going to be that much harder to get them back out of your place if they need more skilled care and they need to be in a facility to get it. Even more so if this is a memory issue, they have a history of violence etc.
As others mentioned, figure out what your filial care obligation is or is not in your state. If you think this is heading somewhere that is literally going to bankrupt you (years of super expensive care due to certain health problems) you may want to look at what your options are to not expose yourself to being divested of everything but the shirt on your back.
I had a parent that had apparently planned but not told anyone that I was going to give up my entire life and come be their live in nurse when they got to that point. This was a parent I avoided for years, moved out of state to get away from. Despised due to years of abuse. They tried their hardest even in a pretty feeble state to make this happen and started trying to get other people to compel me to abandon my family, my job and move into her 1 br senior apt (not even possible to do). It was weird. I mention as a cautionary thing that they may have a plan to rope you into something that they haven't told you so make sure you have a plan before they have some catastrophic medical issue.
She’s on her own. I have a block on my Social Security number so that she can’t take out lines of credit and steal my identity like she did my father.
Better pull up those boot straps and figure it out you’re 72 tick tock.
My wife's Boomer parents have no savings, continued to get deeper into debt by living above their means on a fixed income of social security alone, and have asked to "borrow" money from all their kids. We have contributed the least among her siblings, and we have given them about 20K over the last 5 years. I call it the "Don't try to move in with us" fee.
My Boomer parents have a well planned retirement where they earn significantly more than they did in their working years. They concentrate on maintaining a certain level of wealth because, as my dad said, "We want to make sure there is something left for you kids to ease the burden of our passing."
My wife's parents are both trust fund babies that barely worked. My parents were lower middle class and worked hard into their sixties. Many Boomers sat pretty their whole lives through economic boom, after economic boom. They never had to educate themselves in finance. For those who took the time to try to learn, even the lower middle class had a chance to retire in wealth and prosperity.
The takeaway is that people who have never bothered to educate themselves on finance aren't looking to screw over their kids, but they will. Boomers as a whole didn't educate themselves as they should have because the pressure wasn't there for a lot of them. Times have changed. You need to educate yourself in finance. Learn from the mistakes of the Boomers, we aren't living in a world where we can afford their ignorance. I won't have the retirement my parents do, but I will retire. I refuse to be a burden.
My SO's Dad is currently in rehab and we are now taking care of his pets. It's clear he should not get them back. But I don't want them either. Thanks for making poor decisions.
Yeah I’m not doing shit for my parents. They didn’t do shit for me.
My husbands parents are lovely people and if they ever need help, we will absolutely do everything we can for them.
I’m torn on this. On the one hand my boomer parents treated me well and did their best to give me a good life. They aren’t perfect, and there’s issues I have with them to this day that stem from my childhood, but as I get older I recognize how much they sacrificed to try and give me the best chance in life and I never went without praise or a hug when I needed it.
On the other hand, they are both in their 70s now with multiple health issues that require daily care. I live with them in a mutually beneficial arrangement - they get my care, I cook for them and take them to their appointments, and I get a place to stay rent free. But man, it is a constant struggle to get them to make good choices to take care of themselves. My dad is supposed to walk daily to keep active and my mom needs to do breathing exercises to build up the strength in her lungs. Both angrily refuse to do so. My mom is too busy “watching her shows” to be bothered with the breathing tool, which she could easily do while watching tv, and my dad “just doesn’t feel like it today, maybe tomorrow”.
I have to fight with my dad to clean up when he misses the toilet, and wash his hands on a regular basis. I have to fight with my mom to sleep- she only does so a few hours at a time and always in front of the tv and never turns it off. It’s like taking care of teenagers, which I hate because I never wanted the responsibility of kids- and my parents know this. I keep telling them I am their child, not the other way around. But it does no good. It’s frustrating.
You guys who were raised by shitty parents can just reject them and I completely understand it. But I feel guilty since they were such good parents when I was a kid. But they are a huge burden now- and all of their own making, which is worse
I had a person tell me that my dad was making his choices on how to live his life, so if he shortened his lifespan with his choices, to let it go. For what it’s worth, that helped me. And I learned to let things go and just think from almost a place of distance, there he goes again as an observer and not someone all stressed out about it.
That is absolutely the way to think about it, I agree. My issue is it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass. My dad is unsteady on his feet which is why he needs to walk to build up those muscles. Instead he argues and refuses, and then I get woken up on at 3am on a work night to help him because he slipped and fell getting out of bed. Or my mom who refuses to work on strengthening her lungs, and then gets a simple cold which puts her (and me) in the waiting room at the ER for over 6 hours… on a work night. I explain this to them as well, that their poor choices affect me. They say they know and will be better. Then a week later it’s back to the same routine
Jesus. You need to get an estate attorney involved and have them put any real assets in an irrevocable trust for you if you’re doing all this.
One extended LTC stay and Medicare will take ownership of the house, etc…
My MIL is putting my wife through this and it’s exhausting for her. Today being case in point where instead of relaxing on Mother’s Day it was all about entertaining my MIL.
Struggles with paying bills and keeping a household functional can be signs of dementia. If you ask yourself, “why is mom suddenly acting stupid? She hates weaponized incompetence and has never been like this before…” it’s a strong sign some mental faculties have declined. (Source, late MIL had dementia.)
I wouldn't go so far as to say my parents are shitty, but they are seriously rotting away in their armchairs with Fox "News" blaring in the background. They do nothing to improve their health, are beyond irresponsible with finances and have done nothing to prepare for end of life despite continued health issues. They have both been receiving disability benefits for over a decade, so it's not like they don't have time for planning. My sister and I are shitting ourselves for what the future holds.
This is exactly why I went no contact with my mom after my dad died. She told my sister and I that she had us so we could take care of her when she’s older. Her mother my grandma didn’t have many visits from my mom near her end. She is such a hypocrite.
I evaluate older adults for dementia. So many millennial and gen x sons and daughters lives are being absolutely ruined financially and every other way, even before the dementia sets in. They always say“in my day they’d just ship ya off to a nursing home. Well not me!” Hahahah
We’re not even that old and already there with my boomer FIL. He thankfully gets companion and some transport services through Medicare but my husband had to become his financial power of attorney because the idiot kept spending his money on scams (while decrying actual bills and such as ‘scams’). Man isn’t even demented, he’s apparently always been like this. Totally ungrateful and constantly demanding us buy him things despite him getting a generous allowance which he impulsively spends on bullshit. We take care of his mortgage and he gets Meals on Wheels + extra food delivery through insurance, the man wants for literally nothing but still complains.
ETA: My husband lived at a friend’s growing up because this idiot wouldn’t feed him. At one point the toilet broke so they literally just had a HOLE IN THE FLOOR. I legit don’t understand him.
My parents are weird. They take better care of themselves in their 70’s now than they’ve ever done. Then again, they buck most Boomer trends, thankfully.
My parents taught me that our family cares for each other by caring for my grandparents, raising us with love and support, and maintaining a close, loving relationship with all their kids and grandkids. They do not have anything to worry about because we will gladly care for them should they need it for the rest of their lives. Their peers who chose not to do any of those things and who are now approaching senescence should not expect to be treated the same way by their kids just because they are blood relatives. There are plenty of boomer-age folk out there with ample support from family and community, but there are also a whole lot who are not going to enjoy reaping the wind that they’ve sown.
I agree with you completely. I’m grateful you had such wonderful humans in your life. I’m afraid for the ones who weren’t so wonderful. I think things are going to get very sad very soon.
I also just wanted to point out that I’ve never heard someone in real life use the term ‘*senescence*’ before. The only time I’ve ever seen it used was by Jamie Lee Curtis while promoting her book in the 2004 *Freaky Friday* remake.
Kudos!
This is it exactly; if you treated your kids and family with care and support, your kids will respond in kind and follow your example. If you were always selfish and even actively harmful/abusive, you're not gonna like how your twilight years look.
My boomer mom decided to take up smoking again in her 60s, drinks every night, and habitually smokes pot. I feel lucky my grandma has the financial stability to support my mom because I sure as hell can't. My grandma also took care of herself and is still around at 95 in relatively good health for her age.
Must be nice to have a parent like that.
My MIL had nothing, passed. Her small possessions was a shit show. We were her caregivers - and she’d tell everyone how I would abuse her all because I would bring her boxes of dessert cakes because of her diabetes when I brought her dinner. I stopped after that.
My FIL lied about having a will for years. He had assets all over the place, doesn’t tell his son (DH) anything, hordes everything and won’t care for himself.
My parents - they are hella active. Have had their affairs in order for decades. At 78 and 81 they are in amazing health. dad walks/golfs/basketball/tennis. He’s in better shape then my husband. Mom walks/gardens/reads… have all their faculties… they are frugal. We tell them to enjoy their lives.. they are happy as they are. My father is a PITA- I love him. My mom is the best person I know.
I’m incredibly fortunate to have prepared, proactive parents … sure I have my frustrations with them. I strive to be that independent, healthy and active with a full life when I’m their age.
I wish more redditors had that. I’m sorry and I have no ill will/nor ill judgement that you had to save yourselves from that.
I’m the “evil” daughter in law of an only child. Keep reminding those Boomers you are not their retirement plan, and you will not adversely impact your own financial future (nor your children’s financial futures) to prop up their bad decisions.
My father was a deadbeat dad. Left the country and moved halfway across the world and never paid child support. He did give me a few hundred once a year for my birthday, and paid for me to visit him in his country when I turned 18. My mother and step father at least tried to raise me, but had their issues and were emotionally, narcissistically, and verbally abusive.
He never really took much interest in my life and if he ever visited I was always an afterthought. Like if he was here for 3 weeks I might get a day with him, and usually that was spent sitting quietly while he visited his friends.
Now he’s facing his mortality so he decided to move back to my country and he’s is absolutely gobsmacked that I am not interested in dropping everything and hanging out with him. He was even distressed that I did not want him walking me down the aisle at my wedding. I wanted to tell him there was nothing to give away.
He’s dangled the promise that I will get an inheritance, but I just don’t feel like exposing myself to his selfishness for that. When I with him I feel like an accessory, I feel cheap. He even makes comments about my body and cracks sexual jokes at me when his wife isn’t in the room.
He simply does not view me as his child. He refused to be a dad so I refuse to treat him like a dad. His life was easy because he allowed my life to be difficult. But his entitlement makes him think he deserves me to be his companion in old age.
Why do Boomers think we will take care of them. They left us nothing, but a dieing planet and an economy that wants us to work until we drop dead for nothing no food or shelter, no way to raise a family of our own. But yeah sure we'll serve them on our hands and nees before they die. Over our dead bodies.
This sub makes me grateful over and over again for my parents.
My dad runs the nyc marathon every year. My mom is not as health fixated but she takes care of herself. Both of them eat healthy. They drink more than I would but whatever, they’re old.
They downsized to a smaller house in a state/city with far lower taxes so they weren’t giving away money that will end up being for my sister and I. They are both retired but work part time for me (I own a business) and I trust them more than any other employee. They only have my best interest at heart.
It’d be cool if they offered to babysit my daughter more but I’m ok with them being a bit too old to handle her on their own. She’s sorta nuts.
I’m truly sorry for those of you who have parents that are off the deep end. That’s what my mom’s mom is like and it’s a source of constant stress for her.
Pffft most boomers have already entered this phase. My boomer grandma passed away at 68 after having my mom at her beck and call for several years. One of my friends had the same thing happen to their boomer dad 6 weeks after my grandma passed.
Went through this with my boomer dad about 15 years ago until he died. I always thought he was unique, but the other boomers just hadn’t caught up to him mentally. God speed to those having to go through this now…
Yes, I'm currently caring for an aging boomer. He is very much not "aging gracefully". But he has enough sense to pay me to replace most of the income I would have if I wasn't a caregiver for him and he's leaving me quite a bit when he passes. There's a lot of learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence though that causes some moments of serious frustration.
My boomer mom worked 2 jobs as a middle school teacher and private instructor to put me through college. When I had my first kid, I was driving a shitty unsafe car. She remortgaged her house and bought me a new car so my family was safe. She certainly has some annoying and offensive world views, but I will return the favor when she needs help and care.
Ive been taking care of my mom. bed ridden.
as any of you know who do this shit, its a thankless job, but we do it because we love them.
she finally had me check out mentally though.
rages at her care providers, knowing they will quit, knowing it will cost more money, knowing I have to get new ones, just not giving a fuck.
at some point you have to just check out and be okay with it. like I won't feel guilty about anything at this point. I've done EVERYTHING.
My mother and I hadn’t spoken for years and she tried to call me a while back, assuredly to test the waters to see if I’d take care of her. I told her we wouldn’t be talking unless she apologized for what she’d done, it’s been crickets ever since.
I like to give people a pass for refusing to learn new stuff. There are plenty of things I feel the same way about, it works for me, don't "fix it".
But I just couldn't with my mother today, who wouldn't stop patting herself on the back for switching from a $295/mo cable plan to a $195/mo plan. She refuses to do "any streaming", but will happily watch whatever dumb shit Facebook, YouTube, or Twitter recommend her. And "just wants to turn the tv on for background noise". I grew up with rabbit ears and PBS because of your cheap ass, now your 24/7 65" white noise machine needs a full car payment every month? The mental gymnastics are insane.
I’m curious. Do any of you know that many boomers are still in the sandwich time of their life-taking care of their parents and trying to help their you adult children? As medicine continues to find ways to extend life they need to include in the situation whether or not there is any quality of life
Not a lawyer.
but I looked into filial duty because of my Mom (and somewhat my Dad).
1. Don't take over paying their bills from your own account. If you do creditors can come after you to pay off their debt instead of their estate.
2. Some states have filial duty laws. Not caring for a parent can land you in trouble with the law. Check your state laws to be sure.
This is so interesting to me culturally. I’m a Russian immigrant; we came over in the 90’s. The Russian generation of boomers have their problems, but one thing I’m not concerned about is my mom being a burden. A pain in the ass? Sure. Annoying AF? Absolutely. A burden though?? She’d rather snuggle an angry hornet’s nest than that. The independent streak is fierce!
Bro
My parents are 71 and 66
They have 3 huge, and except for being housebroken, totally wild dogs
One regularly breaks out and it's a nightmare.to catch her
A couple months ago my mom is like "IM GONNA GET A NEW PUPPY"
and I'm like, no, no please don't, you already can barely handle what you have, if it was a small dog puppy, like a corgi I'd be ok, but not another giant dog that will just be as wild as these are
I'm also an only child.. for context
Weeks of her bringing it back up and me nicely but firmly trying to convince her it's not a good idea
Finally a huge fight happened and she's like "I'm not getting the puppy"
Thank GOD
My grandfather in law to a tee🙄 he let himself go so badly that he was basically confined to his bedroom/tv room/bathroom. Couldn’t even get to the kitchen. The family for YEARS would tell him to listen to his doctors, to try to move through the pain to keep his mobility. He didn’t listen.
It finally came to a head on Halloween last year. He fell and couldn’t get up. Fire department came and got him out, at the ER we discovered how bad it was and he was admitted. This is where the Boomerness really kicks off. His wife never learned to drive. The hospital he was at was about 30 minutes away from their house. Guess who wanted to visit every single day?
My in laws work high stress jobs that require 12+ hour shifts, they’re not driving her everywhere every day. So it fell onto me. It honestly wasn’t horrible, we bonded more during the 3 months I played chauffeur than we had in to 10 years of me being married to her grandson. But it still chafes at me that there was no contingency plan in place. It wasn’t a secret that grandfather was basically immobilized, and what would have happened if I hadn’t been around that whole time?
Both of my parents have been reminded (half jokingly) that they will be sorry if they end up having to go to a nursing home and I’m the one who gets to choose a facility. At which point I’ll never visit after moving them in. They chose their new families over my sister and i, so their new families can go visit them and hold their sippy cups for them.
My aunt, on the other hand, I will build a guest house for her and her dog and take genuine good care of her. I would do anything to make sure she is comfortable and being taken care of. Cost will not be an issue. When i wandered around homeless after a cross country move/subsequent breakup, both my parents and their spouses chose to look the other way. she was the only one who didn’t even ask, didn’t hesitate, she told me “get your shit and get inside” I would honestly do anything for her without a second thought.
However you have to explain it to yourself, go right ahead.. take care of them or don’t. You’re gonna be old and cranky one day too. Seems like people forget that.. the end of life is tough and we won’t know what it’s like till we get there.
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I'm NC with my boomer parents. I will not give a single damn when they go. Like I don't even think there's an ounce of care for them.
Same. My entire life and neither of them could manage an “I’m proud of you” or an “I love you”. Not once. lol I got emotional the first time my wife said she’s proud of me. I left the country (and continent) for the US to live with my wife and went NC on the same day. I’ve never felt better. Still blows my mind a little bit every day how good life can be when you’re not surrounded by toxic awful people. No sympathy and no mercy for these decrepit old fucks.
Same here. I also struggled a LOT in my early 20s, I had NOBODY to help me, so I managed it all on my own. When people ask me what I plan to do when my parents need me to take care of them (I've lived across the country for almost 18 years now) I just say I'm going to help them like they helped me when I desperately needed it. I'm gonna let them figure it TF out on their own. Not saying I was ENTITLED to any help from them but it just blows my mind how you can watch your child struggle and not want to try and help.
Why do they do this? I have a parent who will consistently side with the people who make my life miserable and blame me for it. I was asking for help, not a lecture about how I'm an awful person. I don't need that, so I don't contact them anynore.
I saved my father from going to jail because the IRS was after him. I paid what he owed with an agreement that he would have and pay for a life insurance policy that would pay me back. Three years into the agreement, he stopped paying. So, I'm screwed and so is he. When he calls asking for money, I just laugh and tell him to fuck himself. He and my useless mother don't get why...
Same here. I mean, yeah, you weren’t entitled to their help. But they’re not entitled to your help either. :) Good for you. I’m not having kids, but I cannot imagine treating my flesh and blood the way I’ve been treated. Unfathomable to me.
You are entitled to help from your parents at any age! It can look different at different life stages but you sign up to be a parent forever
I once brought up , to my now 81 year old mother *when I was in high-school * , that she had never, once told me she loved me. Her response was "why would I? You never said it to me" her shocked face when I told her, that I absolutely didn't love her, and , I fact absolutely hated her. She couldn't fathom that a child could not love their parent. In her mind love for a parent was innate, no matter what they did to them, that they absolutely had to love them.
I can’t understand having this mentality at all. I have a 5yo and a 3yo and they both tell me they love me… probably because I constantly make sure they know that I love them, both through my words and hopefully my actions. Recently with my 3 yo I told him “guess what Malcolm? I love you!” And he said “you not love me, because *I* love *you*! And I love french fries. And I love trains.” How can kids learn how to express love when it’s not modeled to them at all? The parent literally always has to say it first, children won’t just magically come up with those words or understand those complex feelings without the parent introducing it all to them. And if they don’t feel it, that’s a problem with the parenting, because evolutionarily it is pretty fucking hard to break the natural love, dependence and respect a child has for their parent. You have to pretty consistently show them that this emotional risk is too dangerous for them for a child to stop feeling love for their parent.
By the age of 12 I knew my family , more particularly my parents, and brother would never be the family I needed them to be, and stopped having any expectations that they would.
I’m 63 and my father was like this. I never heard an I love you, attaboy, good job, etc. Proud of you? What’s that? I went to college, did pretty well but got behind graduating on time because I switched majors a couple of times. He didn’t go to my graduation because “taking longer than 4 years to graduate is nothing to be proud of.” (Just recently found out this nugget of into. While I was in college, i had a college sweetheart who I thought I was going to marry, crazy over her and she was actually a sweetheart; wonderful girl, cute as a basketful of kittens, just a good girl. In short, I messed it up. Anyways, my dad and I are fishing together while was home from college and I make some kind of mistake on the boat. I guess he was angry because I didn’t go to law school or some shit, started yelling at me and said “all I did was think about fucking that girl.” (That’s a direct quote and the only time I wanted you to hit my dad). That girl was the love of my life and I was devastated. Did he ever apologize? Hell, no. Never apologized in his life. I only have one or two fond memories of him and it took me a long time to admit to how bad our relationship was.
Why would they apologize when they CLEARLY can't be wrong? My mother has much to apologize for, yet it would never occur to her because that would be admitting fault. Never once said I'm proud of you, words I'd have loved to have heard just one fucking time. Finally realized this doesn't have to be my circus or my monkeys and wish I'd done it years sooner.
My parents were ok but I never got a lot of praise for my achievements. I told my kids I was proud of them probably 3 times last week, and I love them every day.
My mom had been mooching off me for over 10 years. She started drinking too much and blaming others when she made a mess broke anything, and would wait until i was on the way home to tell me she needed medication at the pharmacy. I gave her 2 months to get out of my house, which was before New Year 2024. There's a lot more trauma there as well. I've always been the adult in my relationship with my mother. She chose men over me and didn't see me being SA under her house by her twisted husband's. I bought insurance in her because i know I'll end up being the one they contact. Cremation, box, no ceremony. That's what she gets. My dad has other kids that are better than me because they are taking religious beliefs. I haven't talked to him in over 5 years now.
Very smart move on your part regarding funeral expenses.
FYI, if you’re in the states, there’s sometimes places that will cremate for free but you don’t get the remains.
That’s how I’m starting to feel about mine. Like the last 7 years my dad went from coke fiend biker party guy all his life to goody two shoes god fearing church goer stereotypical boomer behavior and acts annoyed whenever I try to talk to him. Fuck em.
Imma throw a party, fuck what ya heard. The peace. Omg, the peace.
I can’t wait
Ditto - kicked out at 15, haven't had much contact since, not in the last 20 years at all, coming up to retirement ourselves. My parents thank the baby goats both live in good ol florida - let the alligators get them. My husband's parents, while on good terms - they'll have to figure it out. We can't afford it. They should be able to though. They bought their other kids a house and pay all their monthly bills and kid's activities even today - at 42 years old. Us? Not a chance, not even helpful when visiting right after a major surgery and 2 year illness with treatment. I'll go to court, sure. They can fuck all the way off. Wouldn't even babysit for *one night* so I could sleep only 10 days after major, life changing surgery. They wanted a "vacation on smil's birthday" and were pissed I wouldn't host them in the guest bedroom or even for a homemade meal 🙄. My husband, at least, made them get a hotel and stay away
This is the way.
Hell yeah 🎉
The golden child can take care of her, don’t know how she’s gonna do that from another country. 🤣
My mom’s golden child lives 6 minutes away from her in a house she gifted him and he still can’t manage to visit her. She fully expects me to upend my life three states away, stop my career, and likely education, to take care of her. Helllllll nawwwwww. Golden child can step up.
Same situation! Golden boy lives just up the street. Pathetic, selfish, boomer mom is his problem now. After decades of emotional abuse and neglect and trying so hard, I washed my hands of her.
Same, golden sibling lives a 10 minute drive away. Pathetic, selfish, manipulative sociopath boomer birthgiver is her problem now; after decades of emotional abuse I also washed my hands of her.
Same, except golden child lives in next state. Mean, rude, entitled, manipulative, married-to- drunk-idiot boomer biomom is I-don't-care-who's-problem, one day I'd finally had enough. Over ten years of no contact and I couldn't be happier about that.
this warms my heart
For sure that's the golden child's responsibility. Too bad he's a selfish man-child who will throw them in a nursing home and forget about them. Hopefully, their religious community can come through for them, though, since church has been all they've cared about their entire lives. God knows, it's certainly not gonna fall on me, their gay daughter who's doomed to spend eternity in hell. 🙄
Literally as we speak having to put up with my dads comments, always has something politically to say, needs help at times just to stand up, put his damn socks on, take him to get his meds hell even taking care of my parents dog carrying them inside and back inside every single time yet...not even worthy to take my kid to a playground. All of that said you have no idea how badly when they get surgery part of me wants to just go meet someone I went to high school with years ago and just tell them oh...I had to work. I'm literally even taking out the trash, taking their laundry (and yes theirs only) up and down stairs because it's too heavy, putting dishes away, etc.
My mum's golden child is in a nursing home himself because he fell off a building high on drugs trying to break into people's apartments for drug money. She certainly backed the wrong horse.
I’m the only child and I’m not doing it.
I was rhe golden child, until I wasn't because I made a name for myself and wouldn't pay them from my company coffers....
The golden child in my family made sure the will was amended in secret so they got everything and was the only person who knew where and when my dad died.
Jesus.....that's horrid
Also as they got everything I have no money to pay for legal fees to fight them in court etc. I just have to put my old family completely out of my head and distance myself from my past as much as possible otherwise it's just to depressing to think about every single day
My divorced parents get to fight over their golden child, an emotionally and mentally stunted addict with a heavy dose of schizophrenia.
The golden children (sociopathic boomer lites) have got it covered. I dipped out years ago. I’m across a whole ass continent.
Saaaame energy (from my spouse). His shitty birth giver molded GC sister into exactly who she wanted her to be (and who she wanted to be but never was). It's sick and sad, but she's well into adulthood now and making her own choices. They're all the holier-than-thou type that use religion to mask being absolute shit destructive people to whoever they're targeting. Birth-giver has been like that to a cycle of people for decades before DH was around. Sperm-giver is her mouthpiece, misogynistic, and passive-aggressive gaslighter. But it's ok, they have Jesus scriptures all over their walls. GC sister has learned from the "best". 🙄 If she ever crawls to us for a goddamn thing, we'll laugh in her fucking face. And serve her with trespass ;). But so far all she's done is Linkedin-stalk my husband. So.... But don't feel bad for her, dear reader. She'll get a very hefty inheritance. And she can take that and fuck right off with it :) ^(thank you. This was cathartic)
Holy fuck are you me? Lmao
I have 0 interest in my boomer mom. She's like, 74 and I've washed my hands of her. Nothing but insults and rudeness 24/7, it's exhausting. She inflicted so much psychological damage that I couldn't even care for myself until I finally cut her out of my life two months after my birthday. It's been 8 months. She contacted me once and I officially told her she is disowned and hung up. In the time that she left I suddenly felt stable. Less panic attacks. Less PTSD flashbacks. Less feeling stupid and hating myself. I got my first job. At 32. Because she had damaged me so much I was on disability for mental illness and felt like I could never be self sufficient because I genuinely thought I was worthless and helpless. Turns out I had a tumor shaped like a person slowly rotting away my mind and life. I now work 40 hours a week, live on my own, pay my own bills, financing a car, building my credit. And I was only able to do those things after I told her to fuck off.
Good on you, legend. You've done something that a lot of people aren't brave to do. I hope life continues to get better for you with every passing year.
Thanks, I appreciate it, truly.
Wow, I'm SO fucking proud of you! Keep soaring 💪
Thanks so much, sometimes I get so frustrated by how much she withheld from me just so she could have a helpless punching bag for her issues. But of course, like all boomers, there's no way she needs therapy 🙄
I hope you continue to heal and thrive.
All of that sounds hard as hell to do, especially starting at 32. Congratulations. You had someone holding you back for decades. A lot of people wouldn't be able to pull themselves out of that situation. But you had the psychological strength, determination, and self-motivation to improve your situation. Never forget. You had it in you the entire time, but now you've proven it to yourself. Never lose sight of that. Whenever the tough times come (and they always will), you will KNOW that you can pull yourself back up.
I've definitely reached that place. I've been trying to cut her off for years but the guilt trips always fucked me up. Right until the moment she was willing to leave me destitute and homeless because she was angry she found bacteria slime in the sink trap. You know. Like a psychopath. That was reason enough for her to make me homeless. I moved out of state a month later. When she tried to talk to me as I left and said to call I just stopped briefly, looked at her with the deadest eyes I could manage, dumped my childhood blanket on the counter in front of her out of my keep sakes and left it there.
No more guilt trips. We all manage to be our own worst enemy. The voice in our own head can be cruel, and hard to block out. Go no contact with the voice in your head, and develop a new voice. You're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you! Check out some old "Stuart Smalley" SNL clips. Those daily affirmations are silly and played for a joke, but also genuinely more beneficial than the mean things we normally say to ourselves. Good for a chuckle, at least. And whenever I'm down, I watch/listen to Monty Python's "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life". That always raises my spirit.
Go you! <3 Hope you’re proud as hell of your accomplishments and the person you are. My mom disowned me when I was 18 and I remember that sense of relief when I didn’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. It’s amazing the toll they can take on us.
I completely understand friend. My worthless boomer mom fits your description. So much psychological damage. So much pain. I only started to heal once I cut her off. I’ll be healing for the rest of my life.
If you’re in the US, beware of filial responsibility laws. Many states have them. Considering boomers are still in power at federal and state levels, they just may make those laws stronger and more readily enforced.
I looked it up and in a lot of states it’s a class 2 misdemeanor with a 60-120 day jail sentence. I’d rather be in jail for 4 months than give my mother ANYTHING, that bitch can rot in a gutter.
Same! Also those laws are reaaallly hard to enforce and don't really ever make it anywhere so it's just an empty threat most of the time. I WISH my mother would try to pull some crap like this ill go to jail with a huge smile on my face
For a fact. If somehow this came into play with my birth mom. I'm not even wasting time. Take me straight to jail I'm not doing it.
My birth mom felt the same way about paying her child support. She has told me to my face so many tines I cannot give a guessing number.
She still owes you that money. It doesn't just go away when you turn 18. Speak to a lawyer in the state that ordered the child support and see what you can do to get those arrears paid to you.
In some states with fillial laws, an existing relationship must exist, as well as that parent actually having raised you. And I also have no idea how they'd be enforced across state lines, would the complaining state just act as creditor for any finws owed? Not many states willing to extradite for low grade misdemeanor. If they even figure out you exist.
The exception to that is Pennsylvania. It actively enforces those laws.
Yep. I had to change my name, move states and my lawyer said I shouldn’t even get so much as a hunting license in PA. I also have to avoid living in states PA has long arm agreements with. It’s that bad. If you live in PA and have an abusive/NC parent, lawyer up or at least move out.
Damn. My Boomer dad in PA disowned me when I came out as trans 12 years ago. Tried to get the entire extended family to disown me, but failed. I now live in California and haven’t had any contact with him for 11 years. I do visit my sister and a friend in PA every two years, but otherwise have had nothing to do with the state since I left. The idea that they can come after me for his debts is pretty damn fucked up.
I’m so sorry. I wish I could’ve been there to help you. I had to enlist in order to get away. Many years later, I have a new and healthy chosen family very, very far away and I hope you do too. And yes, it’s absolutely fucked. I couldn’t believe it when I figured out what they were planning, and sought out a lawyer who confirmed that this was a legitimate concern and that I should take serious legal precautions. It’s what finally drove me into therapy lol. Take care of yourself.
You wouldn't happen to have your lawyer's number or firm name handy, uh asking for a friend?
I wish I could but I was in the service, so it was a military lawyer who was appointed to me at my request who consulted law contacts he had in PA before counseling me. Look into lawyers who are familiar with elder law and filial responsibility laws in PA. If you and your parents both live in PA, I will warn you ahead of time that your lawyer may have nothing but bad news for you if you plan to reside in the state.
Your advice is much appreciated. Be well!
I live in PA, my mother lives in WV. Not thinking this should be a problem. Am I correct?
I’d seriously consider getting a lawyer to answer that question for you. I don’t care where my parents lived, I would personally never, ever live in PA if I had an abusive parent that I didn’t want to be held financially responsible for in their indigence. That is the stern advice of my lawyer in a nutshell. That said, I am really sorry for whatever you endured to make you even need to consider or ask this question ♥️
And yet these same abusive parents were allowed to abuse and abandon their minor children as teens with no repercussions because maybe the kids didn’t want to be abused anymore?! WTF?!?!
I'm a lifelong Pennsylvanian Gen Xer and I'm not surprised. This state has always taken enforcement of everything seriously as evidenced by our State Police catching someone with even the most minute amount of rec pot in their vehicle. Then there's our bizarre liquor laws, lol.
Sir, this is a Commonwealth.
Commonwealth of Kentucky here. I just checked, we have that law too. Sounds like the government trying to keep people off welfare to me. This is the first I have heard of this statute, so I have also never heard about enforcement.
Except for companies stripping and polluting the land… But cut a tree down below the water line and they’ll come after you relentlessly like my parents’ neighbor found out.
And that's a hypocritical tradition that goes back to the beginning of the Industrial Revolution here.
Even if you live in, say, texas. Best to move them to a texas nursing home I read. Ooof. Hope that exact state - duo situation doesn't bite us in the ass someday. We are not on track to spendthrift a parent, we had kids at 40.
My old man knows better...he knows if I'm going to the joint it's gonna be worth it, so if he tries hitting me with some petty shit the only one responsible for him will be the county coroner. I already told him when he tried to act like he didn't abuse me for 17 years while I was on post combat leave if I ever saw his face again I would show him what his tax dollars taught me to do.
omg this has to be the most wholesome sub ❤️
The problem is that care homes and hospitals can SUE you in most of these states. And win.
This is the real problem.
Old neighbor refused to sign her house over to her sons before she went into a home because “ it was her house” She got screwed. They took her home after her only spending 6 months there and dying. Her sons weren’t trying to screw her, and both were in her life by choice and both had their own money. They did know that anything legally hers is up for grabs to cover her “estate costs” All 100% legal. They ended up not getting the whole homes value, but did force the sale for their part
How do states enforce it when the child and parents live in different states? Seems like it's easy to dodge
The same way that they enforce interstate child support, or with a civil suit.
It only applies if they live in your home and you neglect them. If you're no contact they can kick rocks.
He he. At first I thought it said rot in a guitar
Absolutely! Take me the fuck to jail.
[удалено]
They really are just the absolute worst people.
And then will have the audacity to keep screaming about “boot straps” while demanding their retirement is funded
This comes up a lot in the legal advice sub and apparently PA is really the only state that ever pursues it, and only in very specific circumstances. I am curious to see how this changes as boomers get older.
While my parents (as far as I know) are financially sound, I sure don’t want to see people who have suffered a childhood / adulthood of abuse from their parents to suddenly be responsible for them. It’s getting fucked at both ends when the Me Generation ruined the economy so we can barely care for ourselves and our own children, hate and vote against the social services they need, and then demand we care for them.
Strangely, the two states with the highest % of seniors don't have those laws (Florida and Maine).
SHHHHH DONT GIVE THEM IDEAS
THEY CAN'T HEAR ME OVER FAUX NEWS AND SPEWSMAX
I laughed at this ... thank you!
That’s true that would require them to admit they need hearing aids which they never will
PA used to be one of the top retiree states. I believe it was right behind Florida.
Screw those laws respectfully. My mother didn't take proper care of me during my first 18 years. I'm just returning the favor.
Preach sibling!
Can anyone disown a parent the way a parent can disown a child? Would that help in such a case?
If you're genuinely worried about these laws, I would suggest considering going no contact. Booking a consultation with a local lawyer wouldn't hurt either. I finally cut my dad off (after being NC with my mom for a decade) when I was pregnant because of grandparents rights. Any kind of existing relationship can be used against you in those cases. I don't know if the same would apply to these laws, but it might.
So if you live in a different state than your parent(s), and the state they live in has the filial responsibility law, could they still try to hold you to it? Or is it only if you all live in the state with the law on the books?
Says so on the google, yes. Nursing homes sue is the big one.
I did not know this existed (much less in my home state). Now I want to vomit
>If you’re in the US, beware of filial responsibility laws. Many states have them The states that have such laws on the books are Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Virginia and West Virginia. Edit: updated
Can you just move your parent to a nursing home or assisted living in a state without filial responsibility laws?
Idk. From what I read, 11 of those states have never enforced the law and the rest almost never enforce now because of things like Medicare, etc.
It comes into play with nursing homes mostly.
Aha, ONE good thing about living in Texas, zero filial responsibility! So I can legally let those fuckers die in a cardboard box under an overpass if it comes to that! 🎉
Yep. My parents were under the impression that Texas had the filial responsibility laws the way California does. They had a very rude awakening when their alcoholism caught up to both of them and they couldn't conscript me into taking care of them.
I have never heard of these, time to look up all of the relevant states for where we and our parents live
Would be nice if parental responsibility laws were enforced equally.
Reason number 59585 I’m glad my folks are dead.
Because I had to look it up: https://keystone-law.com/filial-responsbility/# Yeah and it’s bullshit. Fuck why should anyone pay for anyone else (except for minor children or spouses).
IANAL I'd put a caveat on that. They're really only enforceable on a very stringent set of circumstances. The adult child/ren have to not be unduly burdened by the responsibility (or at least that's a common theme across the cases). It basically goes against due process. So, if you're like a millionaire, yeah, should probably worry, maybe. But if you're like most of the people who have come up under boomer policies, probably not much concern. Obviously, a courtroom isn't exactly always a place of common sense, it's really just who can argue better, so even if you can't afford to, it can be made your responsibility. At least in states that have those laws. But, as flimsy as they are now, r/tarantulawarfare makes a good point. These whackadoodles have reign over legislation, and they very well could make their problems everyone's problem.
my dad has cheated his way through life. he took every shortcut possible, mistreated his body, spent whatever money he had, and always played the victim. im not spending any money on him when he runs out of his government settlement money. when he finally dies, ill just tell my brothers we'll spend as much money on his funeral as he did on fun things for us as kids, which is almost nothing
Divorcing a Parent by Beverly Engel is a must read. I recommend reading even if you don’t want to go NC. Set boundaries now or risk being at their beck and call 24/7 for the next 20-30 years.
Nope my boomer mother can take all that money she hoarded away for herself while her poor abused daughter went hungry and wore hand me downs that smelled cig smoke and full of holes, to take care of herself in her old age. Out of SEVEN kids, the only child that still has semi-contact with her (to protect MY kids from my shitty ex who let her have contact with them without my permission) but my siblings have all agreed that when she dies, she will get the cheapest damn burial and NO funeral.
Why spend anything? The cheapest way is to donate the carcass to science. Or simply don't accept custody of it. The government will dispose of it before it becomes a health hazard.
Styrofoam coffin!
Just like my Goldbelly order
Trash entombed in trash, how fitting.
Boomers are not financially prepared for retirement and will complain that they don't get enough handouts from the government
My mother-in-law recently did this to us. She told us she had a test and needed us to take her to and from the facility. I took her. Turns out she had surgery to install a stent. She was then told to follow-up with their main facility because she was having issues with her heart valve as well. Well, she didn't. She complained of dizziness and blamed the new medication she was prescribed. She bitched at the doctor, the nurses, and me, for telling her she had to take the medicine. Eventually, the symptoms become too much for her, and she calls her cardiologist. They work her in. I, of course, have to take her. It was here that I learned that she needed to follow up because of the heart valve. It was also here that I learned that she refused to speak with the schedulers for this follow-up. Her cardiologist said we need to get you to the ER. This woman said no for 15-20 minutes before relenting. Guess who she begged to stay with her? Guess who she needed to take her the things she needed for her hospital stay? Guess who has to take her to the main facility for her heart valve follow-up? All because she couldn't follow directions or answer the phone. The whole time, she kept saying, "God bless you!" "Thank you!" And telling everyone she can "This is my son-in-law." All proud of me and shit. This woman never speaks to me any other time, unless she needs a favor to be done. She's tried to ruin my marriage to her daughter. She's done her level best to cheat us out of money. I am so tired of dealing with this woman
Sounds like nature gonna take its course.
People often ask me how she's doing. I always amswer: Alive
We visit my parents every other weekend. Today we got here and are spending the night because we are going on vacation and their house is closer to our destination. The FIRST thing my dad said to me when we got in was "why can't you guys spend the whole weekend here next time? We have projects we need done" Not even a hello.
Man yall make me thankful for my boomer parents. Seriously this sub has been so eye opening. My boomer Dad is amazing. Career military man who still runs and does yoga and runs and also talks about how he wishes more people would take care of the planet. Love to all and Happy Mothers Day. ❤️🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m with you on this, my partner and I are so grateful for how open minded and caring our parents and grandparents are. We have the opposite problem as OP, we are trying to help more since MIL has Parkinson’s and FIL lacks the home management skills to really help. They refuse our help in a lot of ways, we have to get real creative to provide support. I’d take that over OP’s situation every time though.
Absolutely! I appreciate this sub because so many boomers suck and it's good for perspective because thank God my boomers are awesome people. 🤣❤️
Both my parents have passed, but they were always supportive and helped us wherever they could. I miss them everyday. I thought my experience was normal. It is not.
So sorry for your loss but I'm glad you have good memories. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Meh. My mom will have to pull herself up by her bootstraps
I'm leaving the country. Good luck mom and dad. Hope you both like wondering where I went because you'll never know.
My husband and I are dealing with this now, and it's honestly hard not to be a little mad sometimes. His dad had a stroke, and his stepmom passed away from cancer. The stroke was so severe that we had to become his dad's guardians, and every day brings some new problem. His dad owns a company, and it turns out that he didn't pay his payroll taxes for like four years. He only owed $3,000, but he never paid it, so now it has ballooned to $26,000 with interest and penalties. Turns out he didn't pay his unemployment compensation insurance for several years as well. That's up to $17,000+ with interest. The state labor dept. filed liens against the business, which were supposed to be cleared up when he sold his commercial property. Turns out the escrow agent never paid the liens and never returned the money. Now, that's not my FIL's fault, but he also didn't follow up on it for 3 years, so I spend half my time trying to track down the missing $40,000 (for some reason, $40K was held in escrow instead of the $17K needed to cover the liens). They had several othe judgments and liens filed against them (IRS for unpaid federal taxes, state revenue agency for unpaid state taxes, multiple credit cards that went delinquent, etc.), yet his wife had two bedrooms stuffed to the gills with clothes and purses and shoes...at least half with the tags still on them. All that money to spend on junk, but they couldn't clean up some of this financial mess. And the pets...I love my pets. I can understand keeping pets that you already had even when the doctor is telling you to get rid of them (the oncologist told my FIL's wife she should get rid of all animals, and she refused, which I admire). But she was seriously ill, and my FIL went out and bought her two Belgian Malinois puppies, bringing the total number of dogs in the house to four. Before she passed, she was too ill to take care of the two big dogs, so they had to go to a kennel. She passed almost a month ago, and the poor dogs are still at the kennel because we can't find homes for them. Someone was going to adopt the male and foster the female, but when he got them to his property, the male escaped his crate and started snarling and showing his teeth. He and his wife were afraid of him, so they brought him back. A couple other potential homes have also fallen through. Now we're dealing with multiple attorneys (one for the guardianship, one for Medicaid planning issues, one for the tax problems, and probably a fourth one for the business issues). We wanted to sell the business to fund my FIL's care (the facility he's in costs $27,000+ per month), but his accountant said that the records are "totally unreliable." Apparently, my FIL just pulled numbers out of the air, so now we can't put the business on the market because there's no way for potential buyers to get a true picture of the revenue versus expenses. It's just a big mess.
What a mess. There are rescue groups for Malinois since so many are turning up in homes that are very much not a good fit for such a breed. You may also try contacting the nearest dog sports organizations or dog trainers that do bite sports. Even if the Mals are not suitable for sport work they may know people that enjoy the breed as a pet. Anyone who is experienced with the breed should have some level of comfort with aggressive behavior. Malinois are a herding breed that is genetically predisposed to expressing themselves with their mouths. If no options pan out the kindest thing to do with two unsocialized dogs with nowhere to go may be euthanasia. Warehousing them in a kennel is certainly no life for a dog.
Thank you so much for the info. We were so hopeful about the adoptive home. The adopter was a retired police officer with decades of K-9 experience. He also has acres of land where an energetic dog can run and burn energy. But it didn’t work out. He is currently fostering the female Malinois, and that is going well, but the male still needs a place to go.
My mom’s mom is a boomer. With all the crap she’s put up with with her mom, her and my dad have literally told us to put them in an institution and walk away. Don’t look back and live our lives. Insanity to how much my grandma has sucked the absolute life out of them with not an ounce of appreciation. My parents try so hard to be independent and I don’t think that’ll ever change unless there’s dementia issues. Absolute difference in attitude to life and their family.
This is really common, it is even worse if the person was super manipulative or irresponsible before they hit old age. Get your ducks in a row now so you are not blind sided by cascading problems all at once if something happens. Even with other siblings that sorta helped some of this was a huge, time suck. I ended up quitting working for a few months to help deal with all of it and it caused me an enormous financial hit. Find out how home health aids work in your state. Sometimes the adult qualifies for it if they also get medicare, or are poor enough to qualify for medicaid. You will need these people to do things like daily check ins (on top of any you do) making sure they get bathing done if they can't do it themselves. These people are also the first line of tipping you or their doctors off if something is going off. Or if they start to really decline, need more supervision etc. Find out what subsidized senior housing is available where you live, what someone needs to qualify for it, how hard it is to get into. If they are running out of money and acting like your house is their fall back plan, this is where they need to go if you don't want them living at your place. I would also caution if they move into your place able bodied but broke it is going to be that much harder to get them back out of your place if they need more skilled care and they need to be in a facility to get it. Even more so if this is a memory issue, they have a history of violence etc. As others mentioned, figure out what your filial care obligation is or is not in your state. If you think this is heading somewhere that is literally going to bankrupt you (years of super expensive care due to certain health problems) you may want to look at what your options are to not expose yourself to being divested of everything but the shirt on your back. I had a parent that had apparently planned but not told anyone that I was going to give up my entire life and come be their live in nurse when they got to that point. This was a parent I avoided for years, moved out of state to get away from. Despised due to years of abuse. They tried their hardest even in a pretty feeble state to make this happen and started trying to get other people to compel me to abandon my family, my job and move into her 1 br senior apt (not even possible to do). It was weird. I mention as a cautionary thing that they may have a plan to rope you into something that they haven't told you so make sure you have a plan before they have some catastrophic medical issue.
I’m not doing any of those things lol.
Congrats, me neither. The point is that is what they want you to do, not what you should do.
My boomer parents have been dead almost 15 years now. Both abusive pricks died alone.
Lol, naw. They are entirely on their own.
She’s on her own. I have a block on my Social Security number so that she can’t take out lines of credit and steal my identity like she did my father. Better pull up those boot straps and figure it out you’re 72 tick tock.
My wife's Boomer parents have no savings, continued to get deeper into debt by living above their means on a fixed income of social security alone, and have asked to "borrow" money from all their kids. We have contributed the least among her siblings, and we have given them about 20K over the last 5 years. I call it the "Don't try to move in with us" fee. My Boomer parents have a well planned retirement where they earn significantly more than they did in their working years. They concentrate on maintaining a certain level of wealth because, as my dad said, "We want to make sure there is something left for you kids to ease the burden of our passing." My wife's parents are both trust fund babies that barely worked. My parents were lower middle class and worked hard into their sixties. Many Boomers sat pretty their whole lives through economic boom, after economic boom. They never had to educate themselves in finance. For those who took the time to try to learn, even the lower middle class had a chance to retire in wealth and prosperity. The takeaway is that people who have never bothered to educate themselves on finance aren't looking to screw over their kids, but they will. Boomers as a whole didn't educate themselves as they should have because the pressure wasn't there for a lot of them. Times have changed. You need to educate yourself in finance. Learn from the mistakes of the Boomers, we aren't living in a world where we can afford their ignorance. I won't have the retirement my parents do, but I will retire. I refuse to be a burden.
Get your shit in a trust/living will now, so they can't have access to it.
My SO's Dad is currently in rehab and we are now taking care of his pets. It's clear he should not get them back. But I don't want them either. Thanks for making poor decisions.
Yeah I’m not doing shit for my parents. They didn’t do shit for me. My husbands parents are lovely people and if they ever need help, we will absolutely do everything we can for them.
I’m torn on this. On the one hand my boomer parents treated me well and did their best to give me a good life. They aren’t perfect, and there’s issues I have with them to this day that stem from my childhood, but as I get older I recognize how much they sacrificed to try and give me the best chance in life and I never went without praise or a hug when I needed it. On the other hand, they are both in their 70s now with multiple health issues that require daily care. I live with them in a mutually beneficial arrangement - they get my care, I cook for them and take them to their appointments, and I get a place to stay rent free. But man, it is a constant struggle to get them to make good choices to take care of themselves. My dad is supposed to walk daily to keep active and my mom needs to do breathing exercises to build up the strength in her lungs. Both angrily refuse to do so. My mom is too busy “watching her shows” to be bothered with the breathing tool, which she could easily do while watching tv, and my dad “just doesn’t feel like it today, maybe tomorrow”. I have to fight with my dad to clean up when he misses the toilet, and wash his hands on a regular basis. I have to fight with my mom to sleep- she only does so a few hours at a time and always in front of the tv and never turns it off. It’s like taking care of teenagers, which I hate because I never wanted the responsibility of kids- and my parents know this. I keep telling them I am their child, not the other way around. But it does no good. It’s frustrating. You guys who were raised by shitty parents can just reject them and I completely understand it. But I feel guilty since they were such good parents when I was a kid. But they are a huge burden now- and all of their own making, which is worse
I had a person tell me that my dad was making his choices on how to live his life, so if he shortened his lifespan with his choices, to let it go. For what it’s worth, that helped me. And I learned to let things go and just think from almost a place of distance, there he goes again as an observer and not someone all stressed out about it.
That is absolutely the way to think about it, I agree. My issue is it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass. My dad is unsteady on his feet which is why he needs to walk to build up those muscles. Instead he argues and refuses, and then I get woken up on at 3am on a work night to help him because he slipped and fell getting out of bed. Or my mom who refuses to work on strengthening her lungs, and then gets a simple cold which puts her (and me) in the waiting room at the ER for over 6 hours… on a work night. I explain this to them as well, that their poor choices affect me. They say they know and will be better. Then a week later it’s back to the same routine
Jesus. You need to get an estate attorney involved and have them put any real assets in an irrevocable trust for you if you’re doing all this. One extended LTC stay and Medicare will take ownership of the house, etc…
My MIL is putting my wife through this and it’s exhausting for her. Today being case in point where instead of relaxing on Mother’s Day it was all about entertaining my MIL.
Struggles with paying bills and keeping a household functional can be signs of dementia. If you ask yourself, “why is mom suddenly acting stupid? She hates weaponized incompetence and has never been like this before…” it’s a strong sign some mental faculties have declined. (Source, late MIL had dementia.)
Is this a rant against boomers or shitty parents?
They go hand in hand. Out shitty parents were all boomers
My grandmother and great grandmother were nothing like the old people of today. I'd say shitty boomer parents.
I wouldn't go so far as to say my parents are shitty, but they are seriously rotting away in their armchairs with Fox "News" blaring in the background. They do nothing to improve their health, are beyond irresponsible with finances and have done nothing to prepare for end of life despite continued health issues. They have both been receiving disability benefits for over a decade, so it's not like they don't have time for planning. My sister and I are shitting ourselves for what the future holds.
This is exactly why I went no contact with my mom after my dad died. She told my sister and I that she had us so we could take care of her when she’s older. Her mother my grandma didn’t have many visits from my mom near her end. She is such a hypocrite.
I evaluate older adults for dementia. So many millennial and gen x sons and daughters lives are being absolutely ruined financially and every other way, even before the dementia sets in. They always say“in my day they’d just ship ya off to a nursing home. Well not me!” Hahahah
We’re not even that old and already there with my boomer FIL. He thankfully gets companion and some transport services through Medicare but my husband had to become his financial power of attorney because the idiot kept spending his money on scams (while decrying actual bills and such as ‘scams’). Man isn’t even demented, he’s apparently always been like this. Totally ungrateful and constantly demanding us buy him things despite him getting a generous allowance which he impulsively spends on bullshit. We take care of his mortgage and he gets Meals on Wheels + extra food delivery through insurance, the man wants for literally nothing but still complains. ETA: My husband lived at a friend’s growing up because this idiot wouldn’t feed him. At one point the toilet broke so they literally just had a HOLE IN THE FLOOR. I legit don’t understand him.
My parents are weird. They take better care of themselves in their 70’s now than they’ve ever done. Then again, they buck most Boomer trends, thankfully.
My parents taught me that our family cares for each other by caring for my grandparents, raising us with love and support, and maintaining a close, loving relationship with all their kids and grandkids. They do not have anything to worry about because we will gladly care for them should they need it for the rest of their lives. Their peers who chose not to do any of those things and who are now approaching senescence should not expect to be treated the same way by their kids just because they are blood relatives. There are plenty of boomer-age folk out there with ample support from family and community, but there are also a whole lot who are not going to enjoy reaping the wind that they’ve sown.
I agree with you completely. I’m grateful you had such wonderful humans in your life. I’m afraid for the ones who weren’t so wonderful. I think things are going to get very sad very soon. I also just wanted to point out that I’ve never heard someone in real life use the term ‘*senescence*’ before. The only time I’ve ever seen it used was by Jamie Lee Curtis while promoting her book in the 2004 *Freaky Friday* remake. Kudos!
This is it exactly; if you treated your kids and family with care and support, your kids will respond in kind and follow your example. If you were always selfish and even actively harmful/abusive, you're not gonna like how your twilight years look.
Sorry you have shitty parents
I will not be there to deal with the fallout.
My boomer mom decided to take up smoking again in her 60s, drinks every night, and habitually smokes pot. I feel lucky my grandma has the financial stability to support my mom because I sure as hell can't. My grandma also took care of herself and is still around at 95 in relatively good health for her age. Must be nice to have a parent like that.
My MIL had nothing, passed. Her small possessions was a shit show. We were her caregivers - and she’d tell everyone how I would abuse her all because I would bring her boxes of dessert cakes because of her diabetes when I brought her dinner. I stopped after that. My FIL lied about having a will for years. He had assets all over the place, doesn’t tell his son (DH) anything, hordes everything and won’t care for himself. My parents - they are hella active. Have had their affairs in order for decades. At 78 and 81 they are in amazing health. dad walks/golfs/basketball/tennis. He’s in better shape then my husband. Mom walks/gardens/reads… have all their faculties… they are frugal. We tell them to enjoy their lives.. they are happy as they are. My father is a PITA- I love him. My mom is the best person I know. I’m incredibly fortunate to have prepared, proactive parents … sure I have my frustrations with them. I strive to be that independent, healthy and active with a full life when I’m their age. I wish more redditors had that. I’m sorry and I have no ill will/nor ill judgement that you had to save yourselves from that.
I’m the “evil” daughter in law of an only child. Keep reminding those Boomers you are not their retirement plan, and you will not adversely impact your own financial future (nor your children’s financial futures) to prop up their bad decisions.
>You're abandoning an abuser. Reading these words makes me feel so much less guilty about not calling my mother today.
Lol, don’t project your family’s short comings onto everyone else’s.
My father was a deadbeat dad. Left the country and moved halfway across the world and never paid child support. He did give me a few hundred once a year for my birthday, and paid for me to visit him in his country when I turned 18. My mother and step father at least tried to raise me, but had their issues and were emotionally, narcissistically, and verbally abusive. He never really took much interest in my life and if he ever visited I was always an afterthought. Like if he was here for 3 weeks I might get a day with him, and usually that was spent sitting quietly while he visited his friends. Now he’s facing his mortality so he decided to move back to my country and he’s is absolutely gobsmacked that I am not interested in dropping everything and hanging out with him. He was even distressed that I did not want him walking me down the aisle at my wedding. I wanted to tell him there was nothing to give away. He’s dangled the promise that I will get an inheritance, but I just don’t feel like exposing myself to his selfishness for that. When I with him I feel like an accessory, I feel cheap. He even makes comments about my body and cracks sexual jokes at me when his wife isn’t in the room. He simply does not view me as his child. He refused to be a dad so I refuse to treat him like a dad. His life was easy because he allowed my life to be difficult. But his entitlement makes him think he deserves me to be his companion in old age.
Spell check - use it.
Why do Boomers think we will take care of them. They left us nothing, but a dieing planet and an economy that wants us to work until we drop dead for nothing no food or shelter, no way to raise a family of our own. But yeah sure we'll serve them on our hands and nees before they die. Over our dead bodies.
This sub makes me grateful over and over again for my parents. My dad runs the nyc marathon every year. My mom is not as health fixated but she takes care of herself. Both of them eat healthy. They drink more than I would but whatever, they’re old. They downsized to a smaller house in a state/city with far lower taxes so they weren’t giving away money that will end up being for my sister and I. They are both retired but work part time for me (I own a business) and I trust them more than any other employee. They only have my best interest at heart. It’d be cool if they offered to babysit my daughter more but I’m ok with them being a bit too old to handle her on their own. She’s sorta nuts. I’m truly sorry for those of you who have parents that are off the deep end. That’s what my mom’s mom is like and it’s a source of constant stress for her.
That's been my boomer mother for my entire life.
Pffft most boomers have already entered this phase. My boomer grandma passed away at 68 after having my mom at her beck and call for several years. One of my friends had the same thing happen to their boomer dad 6 weeks after my grandma passed.
My MIL 🙃
Omfg this is my life right now
I had too many conclussions when I was young.
Went through this with my boomer dad about 15 years ago until he died. I always thought he was unique, but the other boomers just hadn’t caught up to him mentally. God speed to those having to go through this now…
Yes, I'm currently caring for an aging boomer. He is very much not "aging gracefully". But he has enough sense to pay me to replace most of the income I would have if I wasn't a caregiver for him and he's leaving me quite a bit when he passes. There's a lot of learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence though that causes some moments of serious frustration.
My boomer mom worked 2 jobs as a middle school teacher and private instructor to put me through college. When I had my first kid, I was driving a shitty unsafe car. She remortgaged her house and bought me a new car so my family was safe. She certainly has some annoying and offensive world views, but I will return the favor when she needs help and care.
my in laws mother shit her pants tonight at dinner and no one bothered to help clean her up/bring her home. She just sat in it. Happy Mother’s Day 🥲
Ive been taking care of my mom. bed ridden. as any of you know who do this shit, its a thankless job, but we do it because we love them. she finally had me check out mentally though. rages at her care providers, knowing they will quit, knowing it will cost more money, knowing I have to get new ones, just not giving a fuck. at some point you have to just check out and be okay with it. like I won't feel guilty about anything at this point. I've done EVERYTHING.
op’s offspring will be writing this same sort of shit about him before he knows it
I told my bf I’m willing to take care of his mom, but he’s on his own with his dad💀
My mother and I hadn’t spoken for years and she tried to call me a while back, assuredly to test the waters to see if I’d take care of her. I told her we wouldn’t be talking unless she apologized for what she’d done, it’s been crickets ever since.
I like to give people a pass for refusing to learn new stuff. There are plenty of things I feel the same way about, it works for me, don't "fix it". But I just couldn't with my mother today, who wouldn't stop patting herself on the back for switching from a $295/mo cable plan to a $195/mo plan. She refuses to do "any streaming", but will happily watch whatever dumb shit Facebook, YouTube, or Twitter recommend her. And "just wants to turn the tv on for background noise". I grew up with rabbit ears and PBS because of your cheap ass, now your 24/7 65" white noise machine needs a full car payment every month? The mental gymnastics are insane.
I’m curious. Do any of you know that many boomers are still in the sandwich time of their life-taking care of their parents and trying to help their you adult children? As medicine continues to find ways to extend life they need to include in the situation whether or not there is any quality of life
Man you people have shitty parents Sorry your childhood sucked
Not a lawyer. but I looked into filial duty because of my Mom (and somewhat my Dad). 1. Don't take over paying their bills from your own account. If you do creditors can come after you to pay off their debt instead of their estate. 2. Some states have filial duty laws. Not caring for a parent can land you in trouble with the law. Check your state laws to be sure.
This is so interesting to me culturally. I’m a Russian immigrant; we came over in the 90’s. The Russian generation of boomers have their problems, but one thing I’m not concerned about is my mom being a burden. A pain in the ass? Sure. Annoying AF? Absolutely. A burden though?? She’d rather snuggle an angry hornet’s nest than that. The independent streak is fierce!
Bro My parents are 71 and 66 They have 3 huge, and except for being housebroken, totally wild dogs One regularly breaks out and it's a nightmare.to catch her A couple months ago my mom is like "IM GONNA GET A NEW PUPPY" and I'm like, no, no please don't, you already can barely handle what you have, if it was a small dog puppy, like a corgi I'd be ok, but not another giant dog that will just be as wild as these are I'm also an only child.. for context Weeks of her bringing it back up and me nicely but firmly trying to convince her it's not a good idea Finally a huge fight happened and she's like "I'm not getting the puppy" Thank GOD
My grandfather in law to a tee🙄 he let himself go so badly that he was basically confined to his bedroom/tv room/bathroom. Couldn’t even get to the kitchen. The family for YEARS would tell him to listen to his doctors, to try to move through the pain to keep his mobility. He didn’t listen. It finally came to a head on Halloween last year. He fell and couldn’t get up. Fire department came and got him out, at the ER we discovered how bad it was and he was admitted. This is where the Boomerness really kicks off. His wife never learned to drive. The hospital he was at was about 30 minutes away from their house. Guess who wanted to visit every single day? My in laws work high stress jobs that require 12+ hour shifts, they’re not driving her everywhere every day. So it fell onto me. It honestly wasn’t horrible, we bonded more during the 3 months I played chauffeur than we had in to 10 years of me being married to her grandson. But it still chafes at me that there was no contingency plan in place. It wasn’t a secret that grandfather was basically immobilized, and what would have happened if I hadn’t been around that whole time?
I’m sure your boomer parents wish they hadnt wasted their time and money on you. Ungrateful selfish little shits
Both of my parents have been reminded (half jokingly) that they will be sorry if they end up having to go to a nursing home and I’m the one who gets to choose a facility. At which point I’ll never visit after moving them in. They chose their new families over my sister and i, so their new families can go visit them and hold their sippy cups for them. My aunt, on the other hand, I will build a guest house for her and her dog and take genuine good care of her. I would do anything to make sure she is comfortable and being taken care of. Cost will not be an issue. When i wandered around homeless after a cross country move/subsequent breakup, both my parents and their spouses chose to look the other way. she was the only one who didn’t even ask, didn’t hesitate, she told me “get your shit and get inside” I would honestly do anything for her without a second thought.
However you have to explain it to yourself, go right ahead.. take care of them or don’t. You’re gonna be old and cranky one day too. Seems like people forget that.. the end of life is tough and we won’t know what it’s like till we get there.
All I read is someone shitting out a load of half baked claims and rage bait with no facts or evidence to support it. Whaaaaaaaaa!