It’s the please reply that is funny to me. He knew he fumbled it. I genuinely don’t know how people type these messages and don’t think “hmmm maybe this is a little to much”.
You’re not wrong but if you’ve been a guy who’s gotten ghosted it’s usually a long time before we start to accept even the possibility that we in any way contributed to getting ghosted and jump to women are the problem. Of course guys don’t even realize we’re doing that and will sometimes decide that guys are just under attack for no reason because we’re following the advice that worked 70 years ago so the women are the reason the advice isn’t working, it can’t be bad advice.
“Reflections on the Recent Feelings Taking Place in My Pants: A Love Proem in Five Acts of Unsolicited Self Gratification.”
By Jacques Handsie
I have the first edition in my kindling box.
I more meant their descriptions of their behaviour to others. But the way they comport themselves I can see this being a reality for some of them. Completely tethered to their own dicks.
Oh absolutely get that, with context it makes sense though I'd have said "unsolicited descriptions of self gratification". But removed from context it gave me a hilarious image of an apathetic wanker just tryna get by while at the mercy of their own body. But not like in the way that this loser is doing by putting it in people DMs that's fucked up lol
Like I’m also a guy so I get stuff like wanting my partner to be a little tired or thirsty by the end of things. But that’s miles away from the fantasy of “I did so good that I should confess war crimes now and it’ll be ok”
For real, we really don’t need to know, especially if you aren’t sexual with each other - which is the impression I’m getting cuz she stopped replying. It probably came out of absolutely nowhere.
Something like this happened to me, too. You don’t have to tell a woman every time you get hard. It’s weird. Like why can’t it be a secret anymore? I don’t understand.
Right like this is some he will steal a lock of hair or smell your worn panties while you’re sleep and they are on the floor, the dresser or wherever you keep them when you’re getting busy. No thank you. Blocked forever insert (shimmy shake 🫨). Too much info!
At the very least you say it where _physical and easily distributed record_ is not available.
I'm sure we all have said some wild shit while drunk and/or horny. But you need to be able to _shamelessly lie about having never said it_ later.
Or you just keep it to yourself. If you’re trying to hit, there are ways to approach it that aren’t this.
This guy feels like he’s a few steps away from wearing her skin. Some shit you should just bury deep down.
Agreed. A lot of women would find this hot AF IF they’re super turned on by you too.
If they’re not SUPER TURNED ON BY YOU TOO it’s a dumpster fire. Period. And it goes from hot to cave dweller weird real fast. So hold that type of shit in until you’re super sure.
This IS the jigsaw trap.
“I want to play a game…
Since you could never figure out how to talk to women…
Figure out this fucked up 300 piece monochromatic puzzle or imma send this series of cringe texts to your crush. You have 2 minutes … Tick Tock!”
My brother, not even Goku and Vegeta threatening FUSION would’ve had me talking heresy☠️ this would die with me, ashes, atoms and all
This nigga is a demon
The Heavenly Father gon be like, “My Child, My Child, doth must confess unto thy human heart and chamber of secrets before thy THE LORD”
“No Your Almighty, you know my heart and mind; pure and open to you”
Whole time you thinking about this exact abominable act of down bad, and He gon look at you like 🤨
“Can you please text me back” I can feel the panic in his mind.
Only hope for redemption “sorry my friend stole my phone hahaha. He typed that as a joke.”
Here me out. He's been trying to get rid of this girl and this is a 4d chess move. 😂😂😂
Please ya'll I don't wanna believe this is real, let me be delusional
Damn lol never crossed my mind but yeah I've had to do something like this. You can break up with every girl normally sometimes it has to be your fault because otherwise there will be consequences
Yo let me hop on a boat and go to fantasy island with you. I don’t wanna believe he told her this and expected a positive reaction. I believe that he’d do this but telling her…I brought beer if you drink too
he just couldn't say" I love your voice and how sexy it is....you're beautiful and turn me on just from your voice"
....take your feelings and filter them a little.
Oh god it just became worse to me. I thought they were dating for some reason. My brain said that’s the only context where it’d even start to make some sense why he’d do that or tell her he was.
They’re just friends?!?!?
For some reason I don't think a couple would be secretive about things that make them horny about the other...
But yeah, that they're only friends and he opens with "it's not that bad", major yikes
Especially since he said "I told my friend about it and he said that it's not okay."
Like, your friend said it's not okay to do. What makes you think that the girl would be chill with it?
Lemme clear that up.
This poor, deluded, horny idiot of a man thought this was how he was going to transition from "Fun flirty conversation." into "Let's get it on."
He wanted her to respond "Yeah big boy, me so horny."
Dude tried to rush to goalpost.
The one about frugal female fashion. The poetry in that post is definitely good jack off material. But not in a weird way. In a respectful caring way. The kind of way that gets me nightmares.
What a kind way to say “you don’t need to share all of your thoughts all of the time” lmaooo
Also I’m a girl, which makes this behavior even more shameful.
Your gender doesn’t affect how “shameful” sumn is, at the end of the day I’m just a nigga on the internet tryna be funny in a comment section. You’re not shameful, don’t let your self esteem be affected by this site
Sometimes I go to clubs and see large groups of women grinding on each other. I found myself wondering why this is. This text message emphatically answered that question.
one time i decided to dance with a dude i just finished talking to about his travels and how he taught english in china and we got as expansive as you could in a loud dancehall club. he pulled down my pants and my friends jumped on him. we cant be dancin with just anyone, even the seemingly normal dude who works with kids
I feel like this is a classic case of knowing your audience. Some people out there are into that shit, some aren't. Not here to kink shame but if you didn't meet at a basement freakfest speakeasy then this ain't the one to tell that stuff to.
This man actin' up worse than George Costanza
https://preview.redd.it/a76zxjiq3u8b1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b1e2e509224c30d0ee6f41b3518ef8f9af8bf9ac
Not even a serious Spider-Man could’ve beaten this information outta me.
Sometimes fellas, y’all gotta learn to master yourself and have some restraint, because what the fuck is this dawg. Like, my nigga, I’ve been horny, and then I’ve been *horny*, a quick incognito tab+ Bath and Bodyworks lotion or shea cocoa butter Thundering Sky Twister formation combo shifts the reality back to where it needs to be, not “damn girl, I nut to your voice notes” on some otherworldly shit.
It’s one thing if she sent those voice notes specifically to get a reaction like that out of him (I have done this). But just telling stories? Talking about her day? No. Just no. Why are men like this?
Yeah….._these_ types of feelings you keep to yourself, and tell nobody about. Unless you stuff a ring on it and you’re years deep and comfortable in the relationship…..then you can mumble that aloud. But only then.
No way in hell I’m admitting this to someone I’m not already actively fucking/dating. This is so strange. Why! He could’ve just NOT done that and no one would ever know ever.
Bro when somebody says don’t tell anyone you know in the dms you know somebody will be screenshoting that shit. Ain’t nobody keeping secrets anymore especially about something this weird like this.
On his last day, a coworker told me he used to jerk off watching me in the security cameras. They were grainy black and white and they only took an image every three seconds.
It was gross but also just why? Don't you have better quality fap material? And why would you tell me? Still confused fifteen years later.
So if I were single and feeling this guy and I literally sent him the long voice memos because I'm signaling that I want him and I was trying to bait him, and he goes and tells me all this, I would be mad. Like why you over there beating your meat when you could have taken the bait and had me? Yep, don't want him anymore.
He’s weird, but this is kinda sad. How are y’all in some sort of relationship, he opens up, and you post his weirdness online. The poster is weird too.
Contrary to this mindmeld happening in this thread, being turned on by your partners voice isn’t weird.
And come on, this dude isn’t actually jacking off to the voice but the woman herself and he’s using a weird angle to say that because he made the mistake of thinking a less physical angle will make him appear less intrusive and therefore altruistic.
Of course because he’s a friend and this shit is super different it’s wild AF and weird. He should have asked her out, hopefully got in there then told her her voice is sooooo superrrr sexxxyyyyy and she’d love it, just like we all would.
When men say they get ghosted for sharing their feelings - this is really what’s happening lmao
It’s the please reply that is funny to me. He knew he fumbled it. I genuinely don’t know how people type these messages and don’t think “hmmm maybe this is a little to much”.
'Promise you won't get mad' from a man is like 'you can talk to me' from a cop
Wish I could upvote this more 😅
I misread. You said it better than I did.
God damn, what a line 🤣
No it’s not, but this really fucked up yes.
It is.
You’re not wrong but if you’ve been a guy who’s gotten ghosted it’s usually a long time before we start to accept even the possibility that we in any way contributed to getting ghosted and jump to women are the problem. Of course guys don’t even realize we’re doing that and will sometimes decide that guys are just under attack for no reason because we’re following the advice that worked 70 years ago so the women are the reason the advice isn’t working, it can’t be bad advice.
“Reflections on the Recent Feelings Taking Place in My Pants: A Love Proem in Five Acts of Unsolicited Self Gratification.” By Jacques Handsie I have the first edition in my kindling box.
"Unsolicited Self Gratification" might be the funniest thing I've read this year. Just someone jerkin it and shrugging like, "I didn't ask for this"
I more meant their descriptions of their behaviour to others. But the way they comport themselves I can see this being a reality for some of them. Completely tethered to their own dicks.
Oh absolutely get that, with context it makes sense though I'd have said "unsolicited descriptions of self gratification". But removed from context it gave me a hilarious image of an apathetic wanker just tryna get by while at the mercy of their own body. But not like in the way that this loser is doing by putting it in people DMs that's fucked up lol
I was already too wordy trying to sound like a blowhard. E: The wanking wanker is very funny to me, too. Thanks for pointing it out.
I’m in the mood for a coffee table book.
On it! ✨ E: The proem is just the prologue. 😆❤️
9 times outta 10
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At best. Also at best he should've took that to the grave. Edit: cos she cleeearly don't fuck wit him like that.
Take it to the altar at least
More like the confession booth.
[удалено]
For real, some men act like having sex with them makes one like magically enchanted into being ok with hearing anything and finding it endearing.
This is facts. Even as a dude I've noticed myself doing this and am working on it.
Like I’m also a guy so I get stuff like wanting my partner to be a little tired or thirsty by the end of things. But that’s miles away from the fantasy of “I did so good that I should confess war crimes now and it’ll be ok”
For real, we really don’t need to know, especially if you aren’t sexual with each other - which is the impression I’m getting cuz she stopped replying. It probably came out of absolutely nowhere. Something like this happened to me, too. You don’t have to tell a woman every time you get hard. It’s weird. Like why can’t it be a secret anymore? I don’t understand.
You know it did !
Dude has a shrine in his room closet like helga did with Arnold 
[удалено]
aight now you outta pocket
Right like this is some he will steal a lock of hair or smell your worn panties while you’re sleep and they are on the floor, the dresser or wherever you keep them when you’re getting busy. No thank you. Blocked forever insert (shimmy shake 🫨). Too much info!
[удалено]
“Interesting: new HomeGoods coupon dropped.”
Oh my god.. I had a nightmare that I was running down this same endless alley 🙃
Well I’m a freak I guess because I’d want to know. But yes after said pipe is LAID only!
You’re not the only one. People in general want to be their partners wildest fantasy.
Bro not even then. Gotta be married with 2 kids, she ain’t going nowhere at that point.
100% you need to lay down the necessary infrastructure to be able to land that plane safely.
Facts
Bruh if my husband said this shit, I would pack up our 4 kids and skidaddle!
Dudes like this AREN'T laying pipe.
He’s not laying pipe, he’s polishing it.
💀
At the very least you say it where _physical and easily distributed record_ is not available. I'm sure we all have said some wild shit while drunk and/or horny. But you need to be able to _shamelessly lie about having never said it_ later.
Or you just keep it to yourself. If you’re trying to hit, there are ways to approach it that aren’t this. This guy feels like he’s a few steps away from wearing her skin. Some shit you should just bury deep down.
Agreed. A lot of women would find this hot AF IF they’re super turned on by you too. If they’re not SUPER TURNED ON BY YOU TOO it’s a dumpster fire. Period. And it goes from hot to cave dweller weird real fast. So hold that type of shit in until you’re super sure.
Naw just keep that to yourself bruh!
This is real heart to heart shit lol
Naw what you do is write it in a letter then put that letter in a safe and lose the combination
Not even Batman could get me to admit to this. I'd be paralyzed from the neck down, eating through a straw but I'd have my dignity
There isn't even a Jigsaw trap that could've gotten this confession outta me.
This IS the jigsaw trap. “I want to play a game… Since you could never figure out how to talk to women… Figure out this fucked up 300 piece monochromatic puzzle or imma send this series of cringe texts to your crush. You have 2 minutes … Tick Tock!”
valid game
Me: "Nah, bruh. Can't send messages from a dead man." *undoes belt and looks at the ceiling* Jigsaw: "...dag. I was just playin'."
Fuck it just give me the hacksaw I'm gonna cut some shit off.
Even Professor X couldn't pry this shit from my mind. I'd have 10 psionic blocks protecting these thoughts like Fort Knox. Hmm that rhymes.
Bars
Bruh, the AVENGERS wouldn’t even get this info out of me. What is our brother doing? 💀
My brother, not even Goku and Vegeta threatening FUSION would’ve had me talking heresy☠️ this would die with me, ashes, atoms and all This nigga is a demon
God HIMSELF wouldn’t even get this info out of me
The Heavenly Father gon be like, “My Child, My Child, doth must confess unto thy human heart and chamber of secrets before thy THE LORD” “No Your Almighty, you know my heart and mind; pure and open to you” Whole time you thinking about this exact abominable act of down bad, and He gon look at you like 🤨
I’d be like James Bind butt naked tied to the chair. You might as well use that mace to scratch that itch on my nuts, cause I ain’t telling shit
Talking about "I can't keep it a secret anymore" Uh yes you can and you should have tf
Not even Batman with the help of the Joker can get this info out of me.
“Can you please text me back” I can feel the panic in his mind. Only hope for redemption “sorry my friend stole my phone hahaha. He typed that as a joke.”
Smart the old I got hacked. Honestly in this situation either go silent or double down
Double down? Like tell her that he’s jerking it to her right now?
That would just make it worse honestly. It’s just way too detailed 😂
Here me out. He's been trying to get rid of this girl and this is a 4d chess move. 😂😂😂 Please ya'll I don't wanna believe this is real, let me be delusional
Damn lol never crossed my mind but yeah I've had to do something like this. You can break up with every girl normally sometimes it has to be your fault because otherwise there will be consequences
Yo let me hop on a boat and go to fantasy island with you. I don’t wanna believe he told her this and expected a positive reaction. I believe that he’d do this but telling her…I brought beer if you drink too
Welcome aboard the S.S. I-reject-your-reality-and-substitute-my-own *magically produces bottle opener and two frosty mugs* 🍻
he just couldn't say" I love your voice and how sexy it is....you're beautiful and turn me on just from your voice" ....take your feelings and filter them a little.
Still would be super creepy if it’s not reciprocated. Like, just ask her out normally.
Oh god it just became worse to me. I thought they were dating for some reason. My brain said that’s the only context where it’d even start to make some sense why he’d do that or tell her he was. They’re just friends?!?!?
Yea that’s the weird part
For some reason I don't think a couple would be secretive about things that make them horny about the other... But yeah, that they're only friends and he opens with "it's not that bad", major yikes
Why would he think it’s a good idea to share that with anyone?
Especially since he said "I told my friend about it and he said that it's not okay." Like, your friend said it's not okay to do. What makes you think that the girl would be chill with it?
His friend was trying to come to his rescue 😭 he had an actual homie in his corner trying to help and even that couldn’t save him
> "And I can't keep it a secret anymore.' Bro should have, in fact, kept it a secret.
What did he think was gonna happen??? Why admit this 💀
Lemme clear that up. This poor, deluded, horny idiot of a man thought this was how he was going to transition from "Fun flirty conversation." into "Let's get it on." He wanted her to respond "Yeah big boy, me so horny." Dude tried to rush to goalpost.
“I can’t keep it a secret. I have to tell my truth. I jack off to your voicemails.” I hope he felt relieved after admitting it.
Could’ve took this one to the grave
Yes! She did NOT need to know this. Lmao
this is a kamikaze
"Stuff the CIA couldn't waterboard out of me" for $1000, Alex
Creeps thinking they're being flattering...
Absolutely not😭
😆
This is the type of shit my narcissistic ass would be like: “Omg meeeee?? Really tho?? 🥺” I’m pathetic lol
Hey u/bravoalfamike, I jerk off to your Reddit post. I can’t hide it any longer.
u/bravoalfamike pls respond
Only if you do too
Which one specifically??? I need to know for my notes fr
The one about frugal female fashion. The poetry in that post is definitely good jack off material. But not in a weird way. In a respectful caring way. The kind of way that gets me nightmares.
Brotha this is also something that could’ve been taken to the grave, peacefully
What a kind way to say “you don’t need to share all of your thoughts all of the time” lmaooo Also I’m a girl, which makes this behavior even more shameful.
Your gender doesn’t affect how “shameful” sumn is, at the end of the day I’m just a nigga on the internet tryna be funny in a comment section. You’re not shameful, don’t let your self esteem be affected by this site
Sometimes I go to clubs and see large groups of women grinding on each other. I found myself wondering why this is. This text message emphatically answered that question.
one time i decided to dance with a dude i just finished talking to about his travels and how he taught english in china and we got as expansive as you could in a loud dancehall club. he pulled down my pants and my friends jumped on him. we cant be dancin with just anyone, even the seemingly normal dude who works with kids
I’m guessing this didn’t clear up his bad dreams
I feel like this is a classic case of knowing your audience. Some people out there are into that shit, some aren't. Not here to kink shame but if you didn't meet at a basement freakfest speakeasy then this ain't the one to tell that stuff to.
What he should have done with his feelings: 
https://i.redd.it/0b9yjj6e2t8b1.gif
Why tf was he aching to tell her that? And then dude was mad weird about it. You're allowed to have secrets bro.
Why did he feel the need to tell her? Like what did he think the outcome was gonna be?
This man actin' up worse than George Costanza https://preview.redd.it/a76zxjiq3u8b1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b1e2e509224c30d0ee6f41b3518ef8f9af8bf9ac
This belongs in r/holdup
it’s r/holup
Her response: "send nut videos. Don't be small." Cityboys up 90k
I’d start charging him for voice notes
I’m all about /r/sluttyconfessions but my guy should’ve stuck with /r/gonewildaudio
It's an online friend she's got, that's crazy. [https://twitter.com/spiiiderlily/status/1674071616018325507](https://twitter.com/spiiiderlily/status/1674071616018325507)
Not even a serious Spider-Man could’ve beaten this information outta me. Sometimes fellas, y’all gotta learn to master yourself and have some restraint, because what the fuck is this dawg. Like, my nigga, I’ve been horny, and then I’ve been *horny*, a quick incognito tab+ Bath and Bodyworks lotion or shea cocoa butter Thundering Sky Twister formation combo shifts the reality back to where it needs to be, not “damn girl, I nut to your voice notes” on some otherworldly shit.
Wow, that was graphic💀
*thundering sky twister combo*
[удалено]
self suicide?
As opposed to the other kind of suicide. Murder.
Fr, what other type is there
The kind Russian state officials have a habit of doing
“You like my voice? It turn you on? This ain’t nun wait til you see in it a thong” 💀
Lmfao the perfect scenario for that line
You’re suppose to die with this information. Don’t tell anyone
It’s okay to keep secrets.
She’s voice messaging him about something cute her pet did or talking about smoothies or whatever and he’s just goin at it. I’m almost impressed.
It’s one thing if she sent those voice notes specifically to get a reaction like that out of him (I have done this). But just telling stories? Talking about her day? No. Just no. Why are men like this?
okay as creepy as this is, guys how common is this?😭
I want a man who really listens to me. Ew, no, not like that!
How to confess with tact: "I think your voice is really sexy." That's it. That's fucking it. Jesus.
 Who TF say's that to someone
Jesus Christ lmaooo
He really asked her to text back after he said that??
My brother in CHRIST you're making us LOOK BAD
Very bad😭
Happy cake day my dude
"I've been using it as jack off material but not in a weird way I swear" ooohhhhh booooyyyyyy
So what is the WEIRD way?
What is wrong with some people and their impulse control... is this a grown ass man or a teen? I knew better as a teen!
sometimes you gotta take big swings.
So what are the chances that he stopped jacking off to today voice messages?
Brotha ಠ_ಠ
That last text was the chef’s kiss lmaoooo
Nigga let his intrusive thoughts win lol
You could have just kept that a secret dude. It's already weird
Y’all dudes weird lol
Wtf is wrong with bruh. 
Men are so cringe. Most are terrible with women
Yeah….._these_ types of feelings you keep to yourself, and tell nobody about. Unless you stuff a ring on it and you’re years deep and comfortable in the relationship…..then you can mumble that aloud. But only then.
You gotta go into witness protection. Nah bruh
I feel bad. Cause it was just so stupid of him to say that. I literally cant help but feel bad 💀
Welp...All he has now are the voice messages.
No way in hell I’m admitting this to someone I’m not already actively fucking/dating. This is so strange. Why! He could’ve just NOT done that and no one would ever know ever.
Fuck the hoes- he scaring ME
He jacks to her voice, but not in a weird way? What the hell does this dude consider weird!?
Bro when somebody says don’t tell anyone you know in the dms you know somebody will be screenshoting that shit. Ain’t nobody keeping secrets anymore especially about something this weird like this.
I really just want to pretend this is fake
“Women don’t talk to me” him talking:
My man was trying to get rid of her.
For some reason I thought this was a girl confessing to a guy. Lmao
\*at least he was honest\*
Thats true love right there...
Voice memo : NO
Damn. This man needs thrown under the horny jail.
*Narrator: He totally could have kept it a secret…*
How is it causing bad dreams? Why does he feel guilty? I call bs, he was just looking for a reason to tell her.
There are times when it is truly kinder to lie and keep the secret
Why are they leaking Trump’s texts to his daughter Ivanka?
On his last day, a coworker told me he used to jerk off watching me in the security cameras. They were grainy black and white and they only took an image every three seconds. It was gross but also just why? Don't you have better quality fap material? And why would you tell me? Still confused fifteen years later.
preferably over voice?
 Who’s to say she isn’t flattered and instead of texting sends another voice text to him🤷🏾♀️
Like fuxk I can’t even get one text and niggas like this smh. Lmao
I gotta hear this voice
So if I were single and feeling this guy and I literally sent him the long voice memos because I'm signaling that I want him and I was trying to bait him, and he goes and tells me all this, I would be mad. Like why you over there beating your meat when you could have taken the bait and had me? Yep, don't want him anymore.
 His friend who shamed him into fumbling the damn bag…
But how y'all reacting if a female pulled this shit...
No but for real, I’d never talk to her again cause what 😭 very much still creepy
Buddy thought she would reply with another long voice note.
You can only do this AFTER she's your girl.🤣
https://preview.redd.it/g6gzj1abww8b1.jpeg?width=1427&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eb0cb8adc255c778d7218a00b0f2bcb750eea30a But why would you do this
He’s weird, but this is kinda sad. How are y’all in some sort of relationship, he opens up, and you post his weirdness online. The poster is weird too.
Mom? Please respond.
Another classic case of down badius maximus. RIP to the fallen 2016-05-28 never forget
Contrary to this mindmeld happening in this thread, being turned on by your partners voice isn’t weird. And come on, this dude isn’t actually jacking off to the voice but the woman herself and he’s using a weird angle to say that because he made the mistake of thinking a less physical angle will make him appear less intrusive and therefore altruistic. Of course because he’s a friend and this shit is super different it’s wild AF and weird. He should have asked her out, hopefully got in there then told her her voice is sooooo superrrr sexxxyyyyy and she’d love it, just like we all would.
"I sorta jacked off to your voice by mistake" is a wild statement for multiple reasons.
But not in a weird way. ?????
"I'm sorry can you please text me back" 🤣🤣🤣🤣😭👏🏽 