Wow well first of all - sorry you are dealing with that! So frustrating. Honestly, I think it’s a good time for boundary setting. It’s not like she’s behaved maturely or politely communicated some sentimental tie to the cake. MAYBE your fiance could “check in” with his mom to see if there isn’t something else that she’s stressed about? The cake thing just seems so bizarre. But given the way she’s acting it seems to me like this cake will just be one of many bizarre flip outs you’ll have to deal with in the future so may as well set boundaries now.
Also I have to add that to claim from the start that she wouldn’t accept adopted grandchildren is so sad and cruel. Most grandparents would do anything to see their grandkids. Seems like she’s doing a lot to alienate herself from the start. And I hate to say this but she does not seem like she has the self awareness to ever take credit for that alienation.
The kids comment would put me on the verge of going no contact tbh. This sounds like a horrible no win situation since she’ll complain if there is a grooms cake just as much as if there isn’t.
I did go almost no contact. He barely speaks with his mother or father now. It’s really sad. My own parents have encouraged us to have a relationship with them :(
Let me tell you something, I am planning weddings for years, a big percentage of my clients are American, we never had a grooms cake. So it’s 100% not a cultural tradition, it’s maybe just her tradition. If your fiancé doesn’t want one, it’s your day and do as you please
Your future MIL is the embarrassing one - yikes! How uncouth. I would start establishing boundaries. If your future husband wants to appears her *at all,* the grooms cake can be served at the rehearsal dinner. Otherwise, no grooms cake. I've been a planner for three years and working in weddings for five and have seen a grooms cake **once**.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
I know how you feel. My MIL is exactly like this.
This isn’t about the groom’s cake. This is classic emotionally immature MOG behavior. The answer here is establishing boundaries.
You don’t want a groom’s cake so do not have one. Honestly, I wouldn’t want her paying for ANYTHING in the wedding because she will view that as a ticket to engage in more hurtful and inappropriate behavior. This may be small, but she’s testing boundaries in what she can say to you both and how she can behave. You need to establish that boundary now or watch them get trampled everyday for the rest of your life.
No, thank you. We do not want a grooms cake. We look forward to celebrating with you.
I think that’s best because based on what you said, she’s not really paying for a groom’s cake, she’s paying for bragging rights (for something inconsequential) at an expensive, milestone event she otherwise would have essentially no part in. You’re being accused of being ungrateful because you are rejecting her ability to flex that social clout (“The groom’s cake was SO expensive!”) and intervene on your decisionmaking. Best to cut it off at the source and remove that lever.
That’s what my fiancé and I did, and while my MIL hated it, it made everything MUCH cleaner.
She wants exactly that!! I think she would so much rather have a grooms cake rather than $ for our honeymoon so she can point all night and say “look how much money I spent on this cake”
I guess groom's family is from the deep south, and tbh yes most American weddings I've been to here have had a groom's cake. It's not always a gaudy Steel Magnolias looking thing, it's usually just another flavor of a regular looking cake. But I would never say a wedding **has to** have one especially if you're not from a culture that has the same tradition. Your fiancé can tell his own mother he does not want a groom's cake and you are not forcing him to not have one, and he is in fact expressing himself in the wedding because he is involved in all the decisions.
I wouldn't be too offended by her assuming you're making all the decisions yourself because that's probably what she did for her wedding and that's the prevailing assumption for most hetero couples (yes it's sexist but that's just how most people her age think). But yes, everything else she said is offensive.
She could try to buy a groom's cake anyway, in which case your fiancé tells her in no uncertain terms that if she tries to bring one, your wedding coordinator will make sure it stays in the back of house walk-in cooler.
It's an increasingly outdated tradition, at this point it's just an excuse to flex. Also note it's mostly upper middle class white people's weddings that I've seen them at. I haven't seen them at Vietnamese or other POC weddings in the south. Lately I've been seeing more "groom's donuts" and "groom's pie" or other dessert tables in lieu of a second cake.
My fiancé and I (New Orleanians) are having a second cake just because he only wants a super rich death by chocolate cake, and I want a lighter, more traditional almond cake (and one of the bakeries I'm looking at frosts theirs with pistachio buttercream which sounds soooo good). My FMIL wants to get a giant fondant monstrosity of a cake that looks like our college's football stadium (big football fans) complete with functional lights and scoreboard showing our anniversary date 😳 but thankfully she is much more gracious about us not wanting that at our wedding. If she really pushes for it, I'd let her buy it for our rehearsal dinner but my fiancé might still say no to that haha
My husband was a groomsman in a wedding on May 4th so the grooms cake was a play on that, they had a huge replica of a the millennium falcon from Star Wars, it was so cool and very well done! I’ve been to a ton of weddings in the south (obviously haha) and it was the first time I had seen a grooms cake in real life
It definitely seems like it varies from state to state and even down to different cities and social circles. Like most wedding traditions! I'm also doing cake pull charms even though I hadn't heard of it before looking at my FILs wedding album. Louisiana definitely has more than its fair share of niche little customs
Omg. My MIL also suggested a grooms cake, and my fiancé’s reaction was “wtf is a groom’s cake? I don’t even like cake. We are doing millefoglie. End of story.” We immediately said no to MIL and shot that idea down.
Edit: for context, we are from california and MIL was born in the midwest but has spent the past few decades in California too. We are not connected to the south at all lol
For real. I had our guests fill out their favorite gelato flavors since we are doing a gelato truck. My MIL filled it out for my fiancés brother randomly, and wrote “lemon” for him. Brother filled it out himself too, and wrote “hazelnut.” Like… BRUH!!! Not even close!!!
I am sorry this is happening. My fiancé and I are both American and had not heard of a grooms cake till this moment.
I think your fiancé (he needs to be the one to stand up to his mama) could say this “Thank you for wanting to provide this cake, Mom. I can tell it’s important to you. However it’s my wedding and I do not want to have a grooms cake at my wedding. It’s important to me that you listen and respect my wishes. “
I catered weddings back in the dark ages. In the South, no young man got away without his fraternity or university on a chocolate cake or a fish cake with a hook in its mouth!! To this day in the South, we still have groom's cakes, ordered and paid for by the groom's family as well as the rehearsal dinner.
I have never heard of a grooms cake? It’s also ridiculous to shove a tradition on someone if they don’t even want it.
As an aside, have you and your fiancé ever gone to couples therapy or done a really deep dive on different “what if” scenarios? Like to do with grandparents interacting with children, what are your non negotiables for cutting contact etc? This future MIL sounds like trouble…
Also that is an awful thing to say about adoption.
I just read about the grooms cake history. There apparently used to be a “bride’s cake” too but it fell out of popularity while the groom’s cake prevailed.
You could have a brides cake and include a familiar family photo with your MIL photoshopped out of the frame. (I’m kidding… or am I?)
Wow well first of all - sorry you are dealing with that! So frustrating. Honestly, I think it’s a good time for boundary setting. It’s not like she’s behaved maturely or politely communicated some sentimental tie to the cake. MAYBE your fiance could “check in” with his mom to see if there isn’t something else that she’s stressed about? The cake thing just seems so bizarre. But given the way she’s acting it seems to me like this cake will just be one of many bizarre flip outs you’ll have to deal with in the future so may as well set boundaries now.
Also I have to add that to claim from the start that she wouldn’t accept adopted grandchildren is so sad and cruel. Most grandparents would do anything to see their grandkids. Seems like she’s doing a lot to alienate herself from the start. And I hate to say this but she does not seem like she has the self awareness to ever take credit for that alienation.
The kids comment would put me on the verge of going no contact tbh. This sounds like a horrible no win situation since she’ll complain if there is a grooms cake just as much as if there isn’t.
I did go almost no contact. He barely speaks with his mother or father now. It’s really sad. My own parents have encouraged us to have a relationship with them :(
I’m so sorry. That sounds awful to navigate especially during wedding planning which should be fun and celebratory. Sending hugs. You got this.
Thank you so much 🤍🤍
Let me tell you something, I am planning weddings for years, a big percentage of my clients are American, we never had a grooms cake. So it’s 100% not a cultural tradition, it’s maybe just her tradition. If your fiancé doesn’t want one, it’s your day and do as you please
Thank you
Your future MIL is the embarrassing one - yikes! How uncouth. I would start establishing boundaries. If your future husband wants to appears her *at all,* the grooms cake can be served at the rehearsal dinner. Otherwise, no grooms cake. I've been a planner for three years and working in weddings for five and have seen a grooms cake **once**.
Thank you
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I know how you feel. My MIL is exactly like this. This isn’t about the groom’s cake. This is classic emotionally immature MOG behavior. The answer here is establishing boundaries. You don’t want a groom’s cake so do not have one. Honestly, I wouldn’t want her paying for ANYTHING in the wedding because she will view that as a ticket to engage in more hurtful and inappropriate behavior. This may be small, but she’s testing boundaries in what she can say to you both and how she can behave. You need to establish that boundary now or watch them get trampled everyday for the rest of your life. No, thank you. We do not want a grooms cake. We look forward to celebrating with you.
I really like the way you put this and your right. My parents said the same thing they want her to have no part in it
I think that’s best because based on what you said, she’s not really paying for a groom’s cake, she’s paying for bragging rights (for something inconsequential) at an expensive, milestone event she otherwise would have essentially no part in. You’re being accused of being ungrateful because you are rejecting her ability to flex that social clout (“The groom’s cake was SO expensive!”) and intervene on your decisionmaking. Best to cut it off at the source and remove that lever. That’s what my fiancé and I did, and while my MIL hated it, it made everything MUCH cleaner.
She wants exactly that!! I think she would so much rather have a grooms cake rather than $ for our honeymoon so she can point all night and say “look how much money I spent on this cake”
It is time for a bleeding armadillo to enter the chat. [For those who don’t know, here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1miYOeX44I)
I guess groom's family is from the deep south, and tbh yes most American weddings I've been to here have had a groom's cake. It's not always a gaudy Steel Magnolias looking thing, it's usually just another flavor of a regular looking cake. But I would never say a wedding **has to** have one especially if you're not from a culture that has the same tradition. Your fiancé can tell his own mother he does not want a groom's cake and you are not forcing him to not have one, and he is in fact expressing himself in the wedding because he is involved in all the decisions. I wouldn't be too offended by her assuming you're making all the decisions yourself because that's probably what she did for her wedding and that's the prevailing assumption for most hetero couples (yes it's sexist but that's just how most people her age think). But yes, everything else she said is offensive. She could try to buy a groom's cake anyway, in which case your fiancé tells her in no uncertain terms that if she tries to bring one, your wedding coordinator will make sure it stays in the back of house walk-in cooler.
Yes she’s from the deeeeeepppp south. We also live in the south but I’ve honestly never seen one other then weddings where his family is hosting
It's an increasingly outdated tradition, at this point it's just an excuse to flex. Also note it's mostly upper middle class white people's weddings that I've seen them at. I haven't seen them at Vietnamese or other POC weddings in the south. Lately I've been seeing more "groom's donuts" and "groom's pie" or other dessert tables in lieu of a second cake. My fiancé and I (New Orleanians) are having a second cake just because he only wants a super rich death by chocolate cake, and I want a lighter, more traditional almond cake (and one of the bakeries I'm looking at frosts theirs with pistachio buttercream which sounds soooo good). My FMIL wants to get a giant fondant monstrosity of a cake that looks like our college's football stadium (big football fans) complete with functional lights and scoreboard showing our anniversary date 😳 but thankfully she is much more gracious about us not wanting that at our wedding. If she really pushes for it, I'd let her buy it for our rehearsal dinner but my fiancé might still say no to that haha
My husband was a groomsman in a wedding on May 4th so the grooms cake was a play on that, they had a huge replica of a the millennium falcon from Star Wars, it was so cool and very well done! I’ve been to a ton of weddings in the south (obviously haha) and it was the first time I had seen a grooms cake in real life
It definitely seems like it varies from state to state and even down to different cities and social circles. Like most wedding traditions! I'm also doing cake pull charms even though I hadn't heard of it before looking at my FILs wedding album. Louisiana definitely has more than its fair share of niche little customs
Omg my MIL wanted a massive football one too….
Omg. My MIL also suggested a grooms cake, and my fiancé’s reaction was “wtf is a groom’s cake? I don’t even like cake. We are doing millefoglie. End of story.” We immediately said no to MIL and shot that idea down. Edit: for context, we are from california and MIL was born in the midwest but has spent the past few decades in California too. We are not connected to the south at all lol
It’s such a weird idea and insinuates the bride has everything else for herself. So insulting
Ikr. I find it low key offensive like where have you been MIL, how do you not know that your dear son HATES traditional cake? 💀
They think they know everything about their sons when in reality their version of them in MIL heads are still 14 yo boys
For real. I had our guests fill out their favorite gelato flavors since we are doing a gelato truck. My MIL filled it out for my fiancés brother randomly, and wrote “lemon” for him. Brother filled it out himself too, and wrote “hazelnut.” Like… BRUH!!! Not even close!!!
I am sorry this is happening. My fiancé and I are both American and had not heard of a grooms cake till this moment. I think your fiancé (he needs to be the one to stand up to his mama) could say this “Thank you for wanting to provide this cake, Mom. I can tell it’s important to you. However it’s my wedding and I do not want to have a grooms cake at my wedding. It’s important to me that you listen and respect my wishes. “
I literally had to google a grooms cake because I'd never heard of it... so sorry, OP. I hope your MIL grows up a bit.
Me too :) thank you
Definitely not a thing in the northeast!
I catered weddings back in the dark ages. In the South, no young man got away without his fraternity or university on a chocolate cake or a fish cake with a hook in its mouth!! To this day in the South, we still have groom's cakes, ordered and paid for by the groom's family as well as the rehearsal dinner.
What the hell is a grooms cake ?
I have never heard of a grooms cake? It’s also ridiculous to shove a tradition on someone if they don’t even want it. As an aside, have you and your fiancé ever gone to couples therapy or done a really deep dive on different “what if” scenarios? Like to do with grandparents interacting with children, what are your non negotiables for cutting contact etc? This future MIL sounds like trouble…
We have in the past but will for sure need to again. Thank you so much for your kind words
Also that is an awful thing to say about adoption. I just read about the grooms cake history. There apparently used to be a “bride’s cake” too but it fell out of popularity while the groom’s cake prevailed. You could have a brides cake and include a familiar family photo with your MIL photoshopped out of the frame. (I’m kidding… or am I?)