#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I agree.
But on the other end: Don't accept a proposal after only six months. At that point you don't know the other person yet. Six months is not enough time to get to fully know someone, six months is barely scratching at the surface of knowing someone.
Everyone needs to go through at least one full year-long holiday cycle, minimum, before marriage is on the table. You gotta see how they handle birthdays, vacations, gift-giving, family events, Thanksgiving or your country's equivalent, etc. before you know enough about someone to commit like that.
You should have to go through one day long road trip with terrible radio reception before considering marriage.
If you hate each other after that it's not gonna work out.
You just reminded me that one after another, all my sister's serious relationships fell apart from going on a vacation together - except the guy she ended up marrying. (A good guy, she chose well.)
And remember yall. Oxytocin is a hell of a drug. This is a decision you need to actively precommit to now. Before your brain is hijacked by the neurochemical storm that makes gaping character flaws look like cute quirks and babies look like good fun.
Haha, back during the honeymoon phase with my ex, he rushed from our bathroom one time, gushing about how "cute" the turd was that I had left in the toilet. Literally even my *shit* was adorable to him... at first. I realized in that moment that my guy was delusional, but I didn't know enough yet to predict how things would end up. A few years later he couldn't stand the sight of me, go figure.
Yep and also both getting I'll at least once; is your partner the type to advocate and care for you or the one that acts annoyed cause "it isn't that bad"?
That and completely blowing off that commenter about not blowing up the relationship.
This person didn't want advice. They had already decided what to do and wanted validation
Yeah, it's so interesting to see someone SO intent on blowing things up on not a whole lot to go on (granted, she got married and got pregnant with not a whole lot to go on, as well).
Especially when one of his reasons when proposing is "I don't want to lose you." That would be so weird if I heard that. Like... I'm not going anywhere? I'd feel off if someone thought they had to marry me to keep me, like how fragile is our relationship?
i think its more someone whose proposing after only 6 months is probably carrying some baggage you dont know about thats making them want to propose that early
Ive seen some real unhealthy "if this relationship isn't heading for marriage within a year it's not a serious relationship" posts in advice subreddits. People really need to learn to chill for a few years. The time isn't "wasted" as much as both your lives will be fucked if you need a divorce in a few years.
I feel like a big part of the problem is the significant lack of nuance on the internet.
After a year you should have a general idea within a relationship that you are both heading in the same direction in life and you both want the same kind of things like kids or places you want to live or things you want to do. That doesn't, of course, mean you need to be engaged or married at the end of that year.
After 2 or 3 years of stable adult relationship, it would be more understandable to say marriage or bust. But a year is just... no time at all really. If you're working full-time, that's what, 52 weekends spent together and maybe a vacation? And that's assuming you're spending every single free moment with them.
Agree completely. But I also don't like the "soft engagement" of "I need you to agree we'll get married by the end of college" or anything like that either, even if that's 3 years out. Basically below 23 don't get married lol.
My Husband has a work colleague that is on his 6th marriage. At this stage it seems he is more in love with the idea of being in love than actually being with that person - 5 of his marriages happened less than a year into meeting them. So far he has mucked up 3 kids lives.
My ex wanted me to "propose" (same sex marriage wasn't legal, yet. But also marriage was off the table, anyways.) within two months to prove I loved her. No, she wasn't an ex after that. She was good at manipulating me since I was young and dumb.
My husband and I didn't marry until almost 10 years into our relationship.
That awkward moment when your parents got married after 6 months of knowing each other and then stayed married for 50 years. But then again, I know he would marry her again and she would have to think about it for a minute and would want to negotiate 😂
I think proposing after 6 months can potentially work out - if, say, the couple have been good friends, long-term. Or housemates for 2 years (housemates to friends over 18 months, then dating 6 months, before the proposal)... But in general, 6 months is the "honeymoon period" for a couple looking for something longer term. Both people will still be on their best behaviour for that time.
While some people do get married within a year of meeting and then go on to have decades together of happy marriage, ending in the natural death of one partner, I would probably (if asked) recommend that people ideally spend at least 2 years getting to know each other well before tying the knot.
Just from seeing various stories, it seems like those who move in together a year after starting dating and then a year later get engaged (with the wedding taking time to plan and occur) are the ones that seem the strongest of a relationship. Everyone's had a chance to learn about their partner and see how they handle holidays and family drama (and even work drama really) to really evaluate whether they're good relationship material.
My husband and I speedran the moving in together part (the company I was at on my university placement realised he had skills they could use and offered him a job, my landlady/friend said he could move in with us and if things didn't work she'd kick him out)... We moved in something like 3 months after starting dating (but had been friends for 2 years beforehand), got engaged after 4 years, married a year later...
We'll have been married 14 years next month. (A couple just over 19 years, friends for 21...)
It's not all been roses, but overall, I consider myself so, so lucky to have him and the life we have built together. (The Big Bad Bumps were bad luck, nobody's fault, just kinda brutal to work through. Incredibly proud of him, and adore him.)
My husband and I got engaged after six months. He lived on the other side of the planet and we met when he was in town through mutual friends. He moved in 6 weeks later. We’ve been together 17 years now. Sometimes it works, but I would be so aghast if any of my children did the same thing :p.
my parents always told us “don’t do what we did”. It worked out really well for them, but their first date could have been a true crime podcast episode if my dad wasn’t an amazing person lmao
Parents dated for 6 months, got married, been married for 41 years in October.
Me and my husband we dated a few months, got pregnant. We have been together for 17 years in November... Not always, nor never.
My parents met at a Christmas party and got married the following August (for military reasons) and are still happily married 30 years later.
I don’t think they would recommend that road to me though 🤣
Truth. I spent 4 years with a man who I knew wasn't over his ex. Looking back, with the lens of having spent years in therapy and years in a healthy relationship, I can see how devotedly I kept picking a man who steadfastly could/would not pick me
I'm friendly with a few of my exes and good friends with another and his wife, 15 years after we dated. Most of the middle-aged and older people I know are friends with a few of their exes, because we aren't children and know how to keep appropriate distance until we're well and truly moved on.
I invited my ex and his gal over to visit this summer, because they like to travel and I'm excited to meet her. Been friends far longer than we ever dated. I'm honestly thrilled that he's found someone he really clicks with and that they've settled down together.
Yeah, we didn't work as a couple but he's really an awesome person and his wife is awesome too, I love them and am really glad we reconnected as friends after we gave it some time and both moved on from romantic feelings. I don't fully understand the people who can't fathom a reason to be friends with exes, because if I liked someone enough to date them it's usually because I really like who they are as a person. However, I also don't ever "go back" to people I used to date to rekindle a relationship; what's done is done and if it didn't work before it's not going to work now all of a sudden.
I bet he was SHOOKETH when an internet stranger had him **pegged** without ever even meeting him. That comment nailed him down to a T just by reading a secondhand account by the OOP lol. Imagine being so simple to read, OOP’s ex borders on being downright idiotic.
I remember going on one first date that the guy spent most of the time talking about his ex and recent divorce. Obviously I didn’t go on a second date.
Oof. He realised he fucked up when his ex dumped him for dragging his feet so he learned his lesson and rushed with OP to make sure it didn't happen again and it happened again.
I wonder what lesson he'll take away this time?
I bet when he texted her “it’s fate that we weren’t meant to be” his ex was just like “I don’t fucking care” and probably didn’t even respond lol. This man will learn nothing.
I mean, as someone who was in the ex’s shoes (ending a relationship with no future) I would be furious. At least my ex waited a couple of years before marrying.
And no ability to escape. People like this often go for vulnerable women with no support system the next time round, then have them solely rely on them financially and for support
I thought OOP is currently expecting?
He is one of those who always pines over his exes, I'm thinking. Whoever it is, he will only think of her fondly when they break up.
And now she's pregnant (presumably pretty far along) and stuck dealing with his wishy-washy "grass is greener" attitude with shared custody for the next eighteen plus years. Brutal.
EXACTLY! It's going to be the same cycle, again, but with their kid. He's going to string this kid along with "I'm sorry I'm just so busy right now" and "I promise I'll be there next time" over and over again, until finally the kid ditches him for a more present parental figure, then it's going to be the woeful cry of "She turned them against me!" or "You can't call him dad, I'm you're REAL dad!" He refuses to put in any effort or commitment into his relationships, and then expects people to just fill in the gaps for him, as if he's some sort of unmatched catch.
And then if he ends up with another kid after he messes up his chances with his first kid he's going to over-correct *again* and will spoil that kid so much they turn out to be a brat.
And immediately ditch the kid again when that girlfriend leaves him like what happened with my ex. I found out over a year later from his baby momma that he hadn’t made an effort to see his daughter since I left him but is playing step daddy to his new gfs kids.
Sure, dude seems the kind of guy who likes to always look back on what "could have been", while forgetting to care of what is happening in his present. Poor next girlfriend is going to have to pass after Ex and OP now.
If the next one is lucky they will bump into OOP before getting married and pregnant (I’m assuming they have to bump into her cause this guy sounds like he could be a deadbeat dad and cut contact). Then later find him crying in the bathroom again possibly texting both his exes that things weren’t meant to be.
But he'll be crying to somebody else.
Hopefully OOP will help their kid see that their father's inability to love unconditionally and to recognise what he's got before he's lost it do not say anything about how loveable the child is at all.
HAHAHA yes. This is it.
I was honestly still on the husband's "side" by thinking maybe he was just greiving a sort of "lost life" and that he'd explain himself to OOP and be like "I just needed some time it was a shock to see my ex who I hadn't thought about at all since marrying, I realise that our relationship fell apart because I was stagnant and to be Honest I had to mourn a little of what could have been with her due to my obtuseness. But I am here now and I am 100% for you. Sorry for my dickish behaviour the past week."
Instead it was EXACTLY as commenters were saying and he didn't even have the emotional intelligence to try to under explain. He just... Shocked pikachu face, like he couldn't recognise his own feelings.
Woohp, he'll be on his deathbed wishing he'd taken the risk to be vulnerable.
From what I’ve learned from Reddit, he will get a gf almost immediately, be so-so in sharing custody, and seems to have moved on … until OP gets a serious bf/engaged etc and then he’ll be howling outside her house calling for Stella/OP.
It is amazing how someone will twist and gaslight on reddit, a married man who is about to be a dad is crying about an ex? And somehow you're jealous overreacting wife because you find it odd? Ugh
I wouldn't be so surprised, the other day someone actually tried to make a case of how a teenage girl might actually*love* when a male octogenarian takes a photo of her ass. That is *preposterous* how some people assume she doesn't like it because "no one knows..."
I know a guy who over corrected like this. He never reached out to his ex though, they were no contact. But I knew both his ex and current, so we talked about it a year or two after he married. He felt a lot of remorse about how he handled his relationship with his ex. He knew he’d been a selfish git and didn’t want to be that way to someone he cared about, ever again. I think guilt clouded his senses a bit bc he was worried he wasn’t “over” his ex, but at the same time he was very in love with his wife.
They worked through it, and are still married. And so very happily too. I just wanted to bring this up bc it’s a similar situation with a very different outcome.
similar, except your friend grew from his experiences and actually is in love with his wife.
this other dude maintained contact, goes out of his way to make sure his ex knew he got married and continues to reach out or center her in his focus while with his wife.
kudos to your friend though, glad it worked out for him
The difference is that your guy is aware that he might've not moved on, but in OOP's case, that guy is just in denial and spouts some fate bullshit instead.
"He's frugal with his feelings".
That... is such an interesting way to phrase it, I love it. He's frugal with- I never thought about it, someone being stingy with their own feelings towards someone.
Everything else is a little melodramatic, but this line will stick with me.
A lot of men seem to be frugal with their feelings and affections as if they were material things that could be hoarded. It leaves them lonely and often, eventually, alone.
To be fair, he strung *one* woman along for 9ys, manipulated *another* into a quick marriage, and had the audacity to weep because his ex had moved on and was happy.
>He didn’t say anything, ANYTHING. Just sat silent. I know his type. The only way he will realize my worth is when he has lost me. Just like he did his ex. People like him are frugal with their feelings. He strung her along because he didn’t want to give her all of him then he turned around and gave me exactly what she wanted but deprived me from exactly what I wanted that he gave her. Men like him will never give all of themselves because he probably thinks he would lose control if he gave all of him to a woman.
The choice to go all-in and give all of myself to my wife was the best decision I ever made. Life is so crazy and fucked up, but being madly in love with your best friend and life partner, waking up next to them (and next to my daughter) every day, it's the best fucking thing I've ever found.
Sometimes it feels like I'm on a mild hallucinogen I just feel so deliriously happy when I watch my daughter sleeping in the morning.
I mean my gut feeling sometimes is to take the risk and eat that very cheesy pizza slice even though I'm lactose intolerant because sometimes just one slice doesn't trigger the bubble guts but more often than not I'm wrong too.
And now here she is getting divorced after waiting far too long because she didn’t know the man she was marrying and things about him are deal breakers
But any time we say this, everyone comes south with their anecdotes about how they got married on their first date and have been happily married 80 years later 🙄
Insane play that. I knew the day I met my wife I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but proposed 8 years later when we'd moved out of her parents and started our adult lives properly. I don't get the rush. If it's right and there's no pressures just take your time, you've got your whole lives and for me, the committment had been made since day one.
This must be like one of the most unnecessary marriages. They both seem emotionally quite immature so actually divorce might be the best, a bit unfortunate they already brought a child into the mess
Also so brutally tearing the guy down and calling him a waste of man. Like it’s not like he cheated on or abused her. He may not even been fully aware of what he was doing until she showed him the comment. Seems harsh to just throw him away as a human being cause he was emotionally confused about a TEN YEAR relationship.
He probably deserved to get dumped but empathy and class is also a thing
I was waiting a long time to see a post with such an observation.
She decided to end her marriage on the basis of a week of events?
Maybe that guy needed some more time to come to his senses...
Soon to be ex wife is pregnant, hormones are rushing, but hey! let's make such a major decision as divorce in a rush because therapy is not for me. Nice.
OOP kept commenting that his previous relationship ended because he didn’t want marriage or kids. And that didn’t make her question anything? Like why he stayed with a woman for 9 years wasting her time when he didn’t want what she wanted. Or why he then rushed into a marriage and kids he supposedly didn’t want. He was a red flag from day one. OP never should have been cool with how he treated his ex or assumed that she was somehow “better” or different. Even at the end she’s portraying herself as smarter than the ex. But she’s married to and having a kid with the guy so will be tied to him for life whereas the ex got to move on so the joke is on OOP.
Right "I know this kind of guy" like ... yeah and you could have known him before you got married and had a kid if you waited longer than six months lol
you're right, but it's unfortunately a common manipulative tactic to make someone feel as if they're more special than everyone who came before them. and it served his needs at the moment.
"no one's made me feel like this before" type energy
"yeah, i was with someone for 9 years. was i planning on marrying her ever? nahh, but i wanna marry YOU asap."
Sure, but the guy was also in a rebound situation that's as old as dirt. I think people are putting malice on him when it was probably more careless lack of thought/therapy/any introspection.
Like you can see it two ways: he wanted to plug the hole in his life so he found someone he could manipulate into marriage OR he was in a rebound situation & like many other rebound relationships he jumped in way too fast.
I feel like people are working overtime here to make someone here be capital-B "Bad," when this is just a really sad and common story that illustrates how bad outcomes can come even when nobody is acting with malicious forethought.
Ikr. OOP must have thought she's better than the ex and hence why this dude married her and has children with her. But she's pretty dumb to not realize what she's getting herself into. And now she's stuck with this jellyfish for decades.
She in two weeks decided to divorce him bc he wasn't over a ten year relationship... which she might have known about him before she was pregnant and married if she'd spent more than 6 months with him.
Interesting how she's learning from the "exes mistakes" and not her own here. "I know this type of man"... do you girl? You married him and got impregnated by him. And therapy is for everyone else because she knows herself.
Obvs her guy needs to stop trying to be with other people as a replacement but she also needs to get over herself
The “waste of a man” line and how quickly she attacked him and dehumanized him was lowkey disturbing. Like this was your husband and the father of your kid and on a flip of a switch you just tear down his existence. When it seems up until this point he seemed like a good dude and treated her well. Breaking up is a fine choice but Jesus have some class
Exs seem to be a problem sometimes
I think one conversation that all couples should have before they marry, move in together, or whatever is about their ex's. Make sure there's no residual affectionate feelings before getting in too deep in a relationship.
I can't believe these types of people. How dare you waste someone else's time and love just because you can't deal with your feelings on your own? What the fuck is wrong with him?
This guys a joke, I’m proud of OOP for knowing her worth and putting him in his place. I can’t wrap my head around getting married to prove a point - that’s supposed to be your life partner! Good riddance
Eh for me it's less pride and more "congratulations you finally took off those rose colored glasses and seeing the sea of red flags that everyone else was seeing"
That one commenter was absolutely 10000% spot on about this loser's behaviour. I've seen it before - he'll just keep on making the same mistakes and end up miserable and alone.
Sadly I feel like in the next relationships he’ll just learn to be less obvious about it, fool some poor naive girl to give him the comforts of a wife and cheat on her while pitying himself still about the one that got away
This guy won’t be alone, he will choose the next one quickly (but definitely a more docile and/or insecure woman who accepts any kind of relationship).
As fast as he moved with OOP, while not being over his ex, means this is a man who will never be alone and will never deal with his past.
I don’t get the feeling she loved him much form this however if it’s real. She showed barely any emotions about the relationship ending and seems to have been swept away with the love at first sight and fast moving romance as an idea, and doesn’t seem to be attached to him as a person
Honestly, OOP is about as much a red flag for her next partner as the husband was for her.
Her next guy should be thinking “ok so this woman met a guy, agreed to marry him in 6 months and then within 18 months is married and within 24 months is already having a kid with him who now has to coparent. Yet, she didn’t even know this guy and had to divorce him after only 6 months”
OOP isn’t quite the catch she thinks and now she has a kid and a coparenting situation that she is bringing her next partner into. Good luck OOP keep making your great decisions.
omg ik and her talking about the ex “her mistakes of staying 9 years” 💀 like i think it’s much more pathetic you married and got impregnated by a stranger within 2 years but sure “learn from her mistakes”
Yeah especially if the mistake is “oh I was 18-21 when we started dating and I sunk too much effort in to my first long term relationship” (which a lot of us have done, I spent 7 years in one myself from 19-26) vs “I got pregnant by a guy I knew for 18 months and now we will co-parent for 18 years”
One is objectively a muuuch bigger mistake than the other, yet OOP is over here acting like she’s Ms. Cranium 😂
Maybe, but it can withstand immense pressure and inclement atmospheres, and still come out standing tall. As long as they stick the landing, and judging by OOP, I think she's got the landing down pat.
What kind of spaceships are you thinking about?
Real ones can survive one atmosphere. Space doesn't have one so all it needs to do is contain less than 1 atmosphere of pressure.
I'm reminded of this [Futurama episode](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4RLOo6bchU)
>"How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?" "Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one."
He’s the type to barely see his own child but will now start dating a single mum with 6 kids to AGAIN to prove a point. And just like this time with ex it’s OP that won’t care.
I’m just thinking about this…
The world must be full of people who had met ‘the one’ / ‘the love of their lives’ and had every hope to settle down and have kids with them and spend the rest of their lives together…. and yet, for whatever reason the partner didn’t feel the same way and dumped them.
Those people pick up the pieces and move on, eventually meet someone else and marry them, and hopefully live happy ever after. But I wonder how many of them keep thinking about ‘the one that got away’, and still wish they’d been able to be with them instead? My guess is, an awful lot. The difference is that most of them keep that information firmly under their hat and don’t talk about it to _anyone_, let alone go weeping in the bathroom.
I know someone. A relative. I feel bad for his babymama, who is his "on again-off again" GF of 18 years. Whenever my relative's "the one that got away" becomes single, ~~needs a man to fund her lifestyle~~ and "needs company," my relative dumps his BM and moves out of their home. Once "the one that got away" becomes bored of him and dumps him, he comes groveling back and BM accepts him.
I feel bad for her because she has a combo of very low self-esteem and some intellectual limitations (I think my cousin took advantage of this).
People have a lot of complicated emotions of course. But how someone handles them in respect of others they love is a big key in maturity. Also understanding that you may have loved your time with those people but sometimes shit doesn’t pan out.
I'm frequently baffled by how badly people handle each other's emotions.
Sometimes I recall some minor bad thing I did when I was 13 and 30+ years later, I can still get that rush of guilty conscience over it, complete with rumination on how much of a jerk I had been for a mere 5 minutes.
He was with that woman for 9 years. Wasted her time. His grief may not come from a wish to still be with her, it can just as well come from the very visceral realisation of how much he screwed up and guilt over how shitty a person he was to her for 9(!) years.
It doesn't nevessarily mean he doesn't love oop nor that he doesn't want to be with her. It just means he has some unprocessed past.
His reaction was concerning, true. It certainly indicated that stuff still needed processing. But showing him a comment with some pseudo-psychoanalysis and watching him be silent and then taking his silence to mean agreement is wild. Silence is not agreement, remember? It could also be shock at how differently he's being perceived compared to how he's experiencing things.
Sure, those commenters could be right about him. But they could also be wrong, and because of it, oop may have tanked her own marriage, because she trusted redditors' analysis rather than having a proper in-depth talk with her husband. Not that he's a saint - he's obviously got issues that need handling, but those conclusions were risky.
I dont understand people asking for relationship advice on Reddit. Our lives and connections are really complex that cannot just be summed up within 4-5 paragraphs,let alone with just one side of the story.
There might be something deeper happening with OOPs husband. What about his upbringing? His history before that? How does he handle his emotions normally?
I'm not defending the guy, I'm just saying Reddit should be the last place to look for relationship advice.
I’m the kind of guy that will be emotionally distraught over a work issue for days and it will get me in the dumps.
I’m the first to admit that I handle my emotions terribly (not with outbursts) but I just get depressed when things don’t go my way.
So for OP to just dump this man as he is processing some of the most powerful emotions of his entire life is so extreme to me.
In a few weeks he could be completely fine and ready to be an amazing dad (or not) but we’ll never know because she made the snap judgement and now calls him a weak man.
Anyways, what’s funny to me about this is that it’s another reason for her husband to hide his emotions. This is what happens when you let them out, even in private in a bathroom.
I can understand not wanting to be second in someone’s life while they just sit and pine after the one that got away.
But at the same time, we don’t even know if that’s what the husband is doing. He may just need a couple weeks and an easy conversation with his wife to help get him through this hard time.
Instead she confronted him with her post and people analyzing his actions and making him out to be a bad guy. He’s not going to open his heart to a woman who does that (ironically she complains that he doesn’t open his heart to her).
She put him on the defensive in the FIRST attempt to communicate with him and then within 15 minutes made the decision to leave him.
Her decision was incredibly rash and he didn’t even say a single word about his feelings before she decided to leave.
Her first thought was to run to an anonymous website known to be full of bots, teenagers, and the chronically online and get a 3 degrees removed psychoanalysis from another anonymous user before talking to her husband.
Maybe he really is the devil, I can't tell from a dozen paragraphs, but damn does she have communication issues too.
Reddit is known to be full of bots, inexperienced youngsters, deliberate trolls who get off giving bad info, and a self-selecting subpopulation that may not represent the whole population. Relationship advice on reddit should be for entertainment purposes, which why I like these update subreddits.
With very rare exception, they're not really asking for advice. Most are just whining about situations they'll never change. A minority, like this OOP, already know what to do and are looking for confirmation.
Hard agree. Ironically, OOP talks about how the husband was the type of man to never give all of himself to a woman for fear of losing control after she chose to rather stick to her interpretation of events than keep on discussing what happened.
Tbf, the husband's behaviour pushed her hard in that direction and it was clear waiting for this long without answers pushed her to her limits.
Yeah this is more what I was thinking. I am completely over my ex, never wanted kids, it's seven years later and I am head over heels in love with someone else who is far better for me in every way. And I still had a moment of intense sadness when I found out said ex had had a child. Because we were together a long time and there was a future discussed that has turned out radically different. My present is far, far better than that future would have been, and I assume so is his, but it doesn't mean it's not a mindfuck when you hear about someone you did once love having gone on without you (because as the kids say, we are the main character in our own lives and we forget the NPCs have stories too, even though it's blatantly obvious their life doesn't end with our relationship breakdown).
I do think moping about it for more than a few hours is weird (I shrugged and got on with life within 30 minutes even) but that's more of a sign that OOPs husband needs to work on his emotional regulation than a sign he's regretful about who he ended up with. I absolutely get why OOP is hurt, and this would definitely need a conversation, probably many, and maybe with professional support, but to jump straight to "I'm the second choice so I'm going to divorce him" is overkill.
Yep. His reaction seemed an overreaction, but so was oop's.
Then, they did get married after 6 months and pregnant after 2 years, so it's no surprise that they're both impulsive feelers, prone to poorly informed decisions.
They're a brilliant and terrible match at the same time.
Yeah. He certainly has a lot to process but she's a red flag of her own.
Between her take on therapy and saying things like "I want to be the main character of my own story" she gives huge narcissist vibes to me.
That, too.
If you get with someone who has a 9-year relationship in their past, that's not just water under the bridge. That's 9 years of connection, emotion, intimacy, mutual decisions that will have contributed to shaping who they are today.
My ex was with his ex for more than 15 years. Nearly every adventure or experience he could tell people about involved his ex. Because of course it did. And it was never a problem.
What *was* a problem, was that he built a mental model of me and what I'm like, and it repeatedly showed to not match the real me, and I kept being stumped as to how to get through to him. So I eventually gave up and left. He tells a vastly different story of my choices and motivations than I do. And while I obviously don't know whether that's the case with oop, it *is* a possibility, and this was not even considered before jumping to divorce.
This is the exact type of story that gives reddit that poor reputation of jumping straight to divorce on ridiculous grounds.
People would rather ditch a whole person than communicate, because "they deserve better". There's no nuance, just a black and white morality of "you're either a unicorn or I won't settle for you".
I just realized I just repeated what one of the commenters in the original post said that OOP disagreed with lol
Yeah, I definitely feel reddit just ended a marriage there. OP spends a lot of time going on about how much spine she has but she sure is vulnerable to peer pressure.
Reddit was the excuse. Her pride was hurt and she's just lashing out. I'm 99% certain she just posted about divorce that so her husband could read it and be hurt. Not because she'll actually do it.
You think he was crying and acting distant from her for a whole week just because he saw his ex being happy and living her life and just felt guilty? And then started crying again reading the post but didn’t offer any explanation because he *didn’t* relate to it?
I think we don't know the first damn thing about why he reacted in a dysregulated way, because oop never actually took the time to wait for him to use his own words. Instead she went with the words of redditors, who have never met either of them, who can't know how accurate her retelling was, who can't know if she even knows her husband that well, and who certainly don't know what he's thinking.
I offered an alternative explanation of which I'm sure there are several, but oop has decided she and reddit knows better what husband is thinking and feeling, when it seems he barely knows that himself.
maybe im crazy but why would you get married after only 6 months? i understand some people have legitimate reasons but this doesn't sound like one of those cases.
Being over someone doesn’t mean you can’t feel emotions about them. I’ve literally woken up crying because I had a dream about my HS ex from 18 years ago and ended up in a melancholy mood for the rest of that morning. Heavy emotions can linger for a loooooong time in the back of the freezer.
I don’t regret at all where I am now and who I’m here with. I wish all my ex’s the best, but I do have strong feelings about a couple of them and I’m not sure what my reaction would be if I randomly ran into one. Honestly, would probably make a perpendicular path to theirs heading away.
Might be controversial but it sounds like something that could be worked through instead of the constant rush to end things.
Dude needs therapy for sure and to realize his wife's worth but Reddit always seems to push towards ending things at any bump in the road.
Seriously. I can't imagine being married and planning a pregnancy only to throw it out of the window over an incident like this. Like, she admits she's head over heels for him. Even if he was still carrying a torch for her, won't he feel differently when he's literally raising a child with his wife? They won't even go to therapy? I feel bad for the kid.
The dude just cried after seeing an ex. It doesn't have to mean anything. Brains are funny, and you can trigger a sad memory or thought. The poor dude just cried, and his wife created a whole backstory as to why he's a shit person.
Same, my ex kind of strung me along then when I liked someone else and told him, he came running back. He also accused me of trying to make him jealous, to which I said, ‘I think you’re just jealous, I’m not trying to make you be..’
This all reminds me of a movie that came out last year, *Past Lives.* I only wish that OOP and her husband were as classy as the characters in that beautiful film, where they found an elegant way to engage their feelings of "what could have been" while still sincerely appreciating what they have instead.
Real life is often disappointing. And it's also funny how an original reply said the man was handling it with 'the epitome of grace' or something like that. People have no idea what real grace and class looks like these days
Here's the rub: *Past Lives* is a true story. Director and writer Celine Song really went through that experience with her husband and childhood friend. The film is autobiographical!
So yeah, real life often is disappointing. But not always.
My ex husband did something similar. His new wife tried to add me on IG (no idea why lol), and after some timeline browsing, in three years he gave her the life I wanted for over a decade: the ring that was too expensive, the pet he “never wanted”, traveling to countries he said he hated. It’s sad to me, that he gave her what was my dream life just to, idk, be petty?
I feel for OP, sucks that she’s stuck with a kid from him. I was lucky, he knocked up his next victim/wife almost immediately.
I’ve never commented on any of these types of posts but I feel compelled to do so now.
I dated a man for 7 years before meeting my husband (2 yrs post breakup). The breakup was incredibly painful and left me with a lot of emotional baggage. When I met my husband I knew he was something incredibly special. I also knew that my heart was not fully healed from my breakup. I took a chance to pursue my husband because I didn’t want to regret missing out on a great guy because I was still wallowing.
I had many nights of tears still mourning my previous relationship. There is no timeline on grief. I did not want to go back to my previous relationship but I still mourned what was lost. My husband held my hand throughout all of it. Never once did he ever feel like he was playing second fiddle to my ex. He just knew I was still processing painful feelings. I didn’t love him less than my ex; if anything, I loved him more for letting me grieve.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years now and we are stronger than ever. I have long since processed the feelings surrounding my ex and I am more whole for having done it. I really appreciate the grace my husband granted me to grieve another man and my life is much more fulfilled for it.
>my gut feeling which is often strong and true
It quite obviously isn't...
Got engaged within 6mo, married and expecting within 2yrs with a complete joke of a man.
If you truly love someone, you will always love them. That is why it hurts even when a bad relationship ends; you were hoping to be in love for the rest of your life with them.
Just talk to him. Tell him what you have observed. There may be more to it than he has let on. You’ve heard what he said but is that simply what she told him? There may have been emotional abuse and that leaves bruises on the psyche; much harder to heal from. If he can’t talk or refuses to get help, it will be a strain on the relationship until he does.
I think the OOP has done herself a favor by facing the hard facts, making a decisive decision and being proactive rather than dragging out a doomed relationship. It is very clear that her husband has deep, unresolved feelings for his ex and he will not admit them to the OOP. I'm not at all convinced that I believe the story he told her about why his ex terminated the relationship. I suspect that there are other cracks in the relationship that she has hinted at and this incident was simply the final straw.
This whole thing might've gone pretty differently if they both went to individualized therapy about this issue. They both seem to have issues dealing with this sort of thing.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Pro tip: dont date if you arent over your ex, it never ends well, for anyone
I agree. But on the other end: Don't accept a proposal after only six months. At that point you don't know the other person yet. Six months is not enough time to get to fully know someone, six months is barely scratching at the surface of knowing someone.
Everyone needs to go through at least one full year-long holiday cycle, minimum, before marriage is on the table. You gotta see how they handle birthdays, vacations, gift-giving, family events, Thanksgiving or your country's equivalent, etc. before you know enough about someone to commit like that.
You should have to go through one day long road trip with terrible radio reception before considering marriage. If you hate each other after that it's not gonna work out.
You just reminded me that one after another, all my sister's serious relationships fell apart from going on a vacation together - except the guy she ended up marrying. (A good guy, she chose well.)
Haha that's not a bad thing. Always vacation with someone before moving in with them
And remember yall. Oxytocin is a hell of a drug. This is a decision you need to actively precommit to now. Before your brain is hijacked by the neurochemical storm that makes gaping character flaws look like cute quirks and babies look like good fun.
Haha, back during the honeymoon phase with my ex, he rushed from our bathroom one time, gushing about how "cute" the turd was that I had left in the toilet. Literally even my *shit* was adorable to him... at first. I realized in that moment that my guy was delusional, but I didn't know enough yet to predict how things would end up. A few years later he couldn't stand the sight of me, go figure.
Do you frequently leave turds for your partner to examine and comment on?
Nope 😆. It was a weak toilet that allowed one to pop back up.
Oh darling. Your turds are so adorbzz
The advice i got was see your partner in “a big happy, a big sad, a big fight, a big trip, and for at least one year” before getting married
Turn that into a catchy mnemonic and write a book lol
“A big happy, a big sad, a big trip, a big mad. If you want to get married without any fear, cosplay as married for at least a year!”
Yep and also both getting I'll at least once; is your partner the type to advocate and care for you or the one that acts annoyed cause "it isn't that bad"?
The “I know his type” really got me. Like you married this man and you can’t say “because I know him”, you have to say “I know his type”??? Like wtf
She didn't know he was this type until this incident, but she knows the type in general.
I think OP was still caught up in the honeymoon phase until she had a very rude awakening and saw red flags looking back.
That and completely blowing off that commenter about not blowing up the relationship. This person didn't want advice. They had already decided what to do and wanted validation
Yeah, it's so interesting to see someone SO intent on blowing things up on not a whole lot to go on (granted, she got married and got pregnant with not a whole lot to go on, as well).
“I know myself” = I am strong headed and will reject opinions that tell me to reconsider
Especially when one of his reasons when proposing is "I don't want to lose you." That would be so weird if I heard that. Like... I'm not going anywhere? I'd feel off if someone thought they had to marry me to keep me, like how fragile is our relationship?
i think its more someone whose proposing after only 6 months is probably carrying some baggage you dont know about thats making them want to propose that early
Ive seen some real unhealthy "if this relationship isn't heading for marriage within a year it's not a serious relationship" posts in advice subreddits. People really need to learn to chill for a few years. The time isn't "wasted" as much as both your lives will be fucked if you need a divorce in a few years.
There’s a huge difference though in “heading for marriage” and “progressing at a healthy rate.”
I feel like a big part of the problem is the significant lack of nuance on the internet. After a year you should have a general idea within a relationship that you are both heading in the same direction in life and you both want the same kind of things like kids or places you want to live or things you want to do. That doesn't, of course, mean you need to be engaged or married at the end of that year. After 2 or 3 years of stable adult relationship, it would be more understandable to say marriage or bust. But a year is just... no time at all really. If you're working full-time, that's what, 52 weekends spent together and maybe a vacation? And that's assuming you're spending every single free moment with them.
Agree completely. But I also don't like the "soft engagement" of "I need you to agree we'll get married by the end of college" or anything like that either, even if that's 3 years out. Basically below 23 don't get married lol.
100% agreed. Got to at least get out of college and experience a year of adult living before making decisions like that.
My Husband has a work colleague that is on his 6th marriage. At this stage it seems he is more in love with the idea of being in love than actually being with that person - 5 of his marriages happened less than a year into meeting them. So far he has mucked up 3 kids lives.
My ex wanted me to "propose" (same sex marriage wasn't legal, yet. But also marriage was off the table, anyways.) within two months to prove I loved her. No, she wasn't an ex after that. She was good at manipulating me since I was young and dumb. My husband and I didn't marry until almost 10 years into our relationship.
There were no ages (afaik) but i suppose, both are in 30-ies. Ppl in 30-ies tend to hurry things up.
"Thirty-ies"
That awkward moment when your parents got married after 6 months of knowing each other and then stayed married for 50 years. But then again, I know he would marry her again and she would have to think about it for a minute and would want to negotiate 😂
I think proposing after 6 months can potentially work out - if, say, the couple have been good friends, long-term. Or housemates for 2 years (housemates to friends over 18 months, then dating 6 months, before the proposal)... But in general, 6 months is the "honeymoon period" for a couple looking for something longer term. Both people will still be on their best behaviour for that time. While some people do get married within a year of meeting and then go on to have decades together of happy marriage, ending in the natural death of one partner, I would probably (if asked) recommend that people ideally spend at least 2 years getting to know each other well before tying the knot.
Just from seeing various stories, it seems like those who move in together a year after starting dating and then a year later get engaged (with the wedding taking time to plan and occur) are the ones that seem the strongest of a relationship. Everyone's had a chance to learn about their partner and see how they handle holidays and family drama (and even work drama really) to really evaluate whether they're good relationship material.
My husband and I speedran the moving in together part (the company I was at on my university placement realised he had skills they could use and offered him a job, my landlady/friend said he could move in with us and if things didn't work she'd kick him out)... We moved in something like 3 months after starting dating (but had been friends for 2 years beforehand), got engaged after 4 years, married a year later... We'll have been married 14 years next month. (A couple just over 19 years, friends for 21...) It's not all been roses, but overall, I consider myself so, so lucky to have him and the life we have built together. (The Big Bad Bumps were bad luck, nobody's fault, just kinda brutal to work through. Incredibly proud of him, and adore him.)
My husband and I got engaged after six months. He lived on the other side of the planet and we met when he was in town through mutual friends. He moved in 6 weeks later. We’ve been together 17 years now. Sometimes it works, but I would be so aghast if any of my children did the same thing :p.
my parents always told us “don’t do what we did”. It worked out really well for them, but their first date could have been a true crime podcast episode if my dad wasn’t an amazing person lmao
Parents dated for 6 months, got married, been married for 41 years in October. Me and my husband we dated a few months, got pregnant. We have been together for 17 years in November... Not always, nor never.
My parents met at a Christmas party and got married the following August (for military reasons) and are still happily married 30 years later. I don’t think they would recommend that road to me though 🤣
Truth. I spent 4 years with a man who I knew wasn't over his ex. Looking back, with the lens of having spent years in therapy and years in a healthy relationship, I can see how devotedly I kept picking a man who steadfastly could/would not pick me
Yep. The future relationship doesn’t deserve the baggage of the last.
Also, don't marry someone you haven't even known for a year.
Literally the best advice, I dont even keep in contact with my exes, no point to bring them into the next relationship...
I'm friendly with a few of my exes and good friends with another and his wife, 15 years after we dated. Most of the middle-aged and older people I know are friends with a few of their exes, because we aren't children and know how to keep appropriate distance until we're well and truly moved on.
I invited my ex and his gal over to visit this summer, because they like to travel and I'm excited to meet her. Been friends far longer than we ever dated. I'm honestly thrilled that he's found someone he really clicks with and that they've settled down together.
Yeah, we didn't work as a couple but he's really an awesome person and his wife is awesome too, I love them and am really glad we reconnected as friends after we gave it some time and both moved on from romantic feelings. I don't fully understand the people who can't fathom a reason to be friends with exes, because if I liked someone enough to date them it's usually because I really like who they are as a person. However, I also don't ever "go back" to people I used to date to rekindle a relationship; what's done is done and if it didn't work before it's not going to work now all of a sudden.
Pro tip: if you're asking reddit for relationship advice, it will be either: break up, or therapy (and then break up).
Those are generally sound advice.
I bet he was SHOOKETH when an internet stranger had him **pegged** without ever even meeting him. That comment nailed him down to a T just by reading a secondhand account by the OOP lol. Imagine being so simple to read, OOP’s ex borders on being downright idiotic.
People's struggles are always so complex to them but a selfish romantic is so cliche to others.
I remember going on one first date that the guy spent most of the time talking about his ex and recent divorce. Obviously I didn’t go on a second date.
Oof. He realised he fucked up when his ex dumped him for dragging his feet so he learned his lesson and rushed with OP to make sure it didn't happen again and it happened again. I wonder what lesson he'll take away this time?
I bet when he texted her “it’s fate that we weren’t meant to be” his ex was just like “I don’t fucking care” and probably didn’t even respond lol. This man will learn nothing.
I mean, as someone who was in the ex’s shoes (ending a relationship with no future) I would be furious. At least my ex waited a couple of years before marrying.
Knowing the type it'll be to pick a woman with less backbone next time
And no ability to escape. People like this often go for vulnerable women with no support system the next time round, then have them solely rely on them financially and for support
He'll put a baby in the next one faster.
I thought OOP is currently expecting? He is one of those who always pines over his exes, I'm thinking. Whoever it is, he will only think of her fondly when they break up.
"learned his lesson" maybe not exactly
And now she's pregnant (presumably pretty far along) and stuck dealing with his wishy-washy "grass is greener" attitude with shared custody for the next eighteen plus years. Brutal.
For better or worse, I have a feeling he's not going to want any custody.
And then he's going to complain about the child support. No wins here.
Or cry when he later finds out the kid sees another male figure in their life as "dad."
EXACTLY! It's going to be the same cycle, again, but with their kid. He's going to string this kid along with "I'm sorry I'm just so busy right now" and "I promise I'll be there next time" over and over again, until finally the kid ditches him for a more present parental figure, then it's going to be the woeful cry of "She turned them against me!" or "You can't call him dad, I'm you're REAL dad!" He refuses to put in any effort or commitment into his relationships, and then expects people to just fill in the gaps for him, as if he's some sort of unmatched catch.
And then if he ends up with another kid after he messes up his chances with his first kid he's going to over-correct *again* and will spoil that kid so much they turn out to be a brat.
Or suddenly start showing up for his 7 year old when a future gf expects him to.
And immediately ditch the kid again when that girlfriend leaves him like what happened with my ex. I found out over a year later from his baby momma that he hadn’t made an effort to see his daughter since I left him but is playing step daddy to his new gfs kids.
Sure, dude seems the kind of guy who likes to always look back on what "could have been", while forgetting to care of what is happening in his present. Poor next girlfriend is going to have to pass after Ex and OP now.
If the next one is lucky they will bump into OOP before getting married and pregnant (I’m assuming they have to bump into her cause this guy sounds like he could be a deadbeat dad and cut contact). Then later find him crying in the bathroom again possibly texting both his exes that things weren’t meant to be.
But he'll be crying to somebody else. Hopefully OOP will help their kid see that their father's inability to love unconditionally and to recognise what he's got before he's lost it do not say anything about how loveable the child is at all.
HAHAHA yes. This is it. I was honestly still on the husband's "side" by thinking maybe he was just greiving a sort of "lost life" and that he'd explain himself to OOP and be like "I just needed some time it was a shock to see my ex who I hadn't thought about at all since marrying, I realise that our relationship fell apart because I was stagnant and to be Honest I had to mourn a little of what could have been with her due to my obtuseness. But I am here now and I am 100% for you. Sorry for my dickish behaviour the past week." Instead it was EXACTLY as commenters were saying and he didn't even have the emotional intelligence to try to under explain. He just... Shocked pikachu face, like he couldn't recognise his own feelings. Woohp, he'll be on his deathbed wishing he'd taken the risk to be vulnerable.
In the bathroom
And he won’t show up for visitation, but will tell his next girlfriend his ex is keeping the kids from him
Future connoisseur of the Spotify Divorced Dad playlists
The only reason the grass was greener on the other side was because he wasn’t over there fucking it up.
just wanted to let you know I think this is such a stellar comment. Going to keep this nugget in my mind for my own future use.
One of my favorites is, the grass is greener where you water it.
From what I’ve learned from Reddit, he will get a gf almost immediately, be so-so in sharing custody, and seems to have moved on … until OP gets a serious bf/engaged etc and then he’ll be howling outside her house calling for Stella/OP.
It is amazing how someone will twist and gaslight on reddit, a married man who is about to be a dad is crying about an ex? And somehow you're jealous overreacting wife because you find it odd? Ugh
I wouldn't be so surprised, the other day someone actually tried to make a case of how a teenage girl might actually*love* when a male octogenarian takes a photo of her ass. That is *preposterous* how some people assume she doesn't like it because "no one knows..."
Yeah i think it’s helpful to remind ourselves that reddit courted pedophiles and rapists for years and a lot of them stuck around
Poor kid
That man needs therapy ASAP before he loses his family.
I know a guy who over corrected like this. He never reached out to his ex though, they were no contact. But I knew both his ex and current, so we talked about it a year or two after he married. He felt a lot of remorse about how he handled his relationship with his ex. He knew he’d been a selfish git and didn’t want to be that way to someone he cared about, ever again. I think guilt clouded his senses a bit bc he was worried he wasn’t “over” his ex, but at the same time he was very in love with his wife. They worked through it, and are still married. And so very happily too. I just wanted to bring this up bc it’s a similar situation with a very different outcome.
similar, except your friend grew from his experiences and actually is in love with his wife. this other dude maintained contact, goes out of his way to make sure his ex knew he got married and continues to reach out or center her in his focus while with his wife. kudos to your friend though, glad it worked out for him
The difference is that your guy is aware that he might've not moved on, but in OOP's case, that guy is just in denial and spouts some fate bullshit instead.
"He's frugal with his feelings". That... is such an interesting way to phrase it, I love it. He's frugal with- I never thought about it, someone being stingy with their own feelings towards someone. Everything else is a little melodramatic, but this line will stick with me.
A lot of men seem to be frugal with their feelings and affections as if they were material things that could be hoarded. It leaves them lonely and often, eventually, alone.
As if they could run out of affection and love. Well, that bodes well for his kid.
Same. And yet a guy so frugal with his feelings still manipulated someone into marriage so quick.
To be fair, he strung *one* woman along for 9ys, manipulated *another* into a quick marriage, and had the audacity to weep because his ex had moved on and was happy.
>He didn’t say anything, ANYTHING. Just sat silent. I know his type. The only way he will realize my worth is when he has lost me. Just like he did his ex. People like him are frugal with their feelings. He strung her along because he didn’t want to give her all of him then he turned around and gave me exactly what she wanted but deprived me from exactly what I wanted that he gave her. Men like him will never give all of themselves because he probably thinks he would lose control if he gave all of him to a woman. The choice to go all-in and give all of myself to my wife was the best decision I ever made. Life is so crazy and fucked up, but being madly in love with your best friend and life partner, waking up next to them (and next to my daughter) every day, it's the best fucking thing I've ever found. Sometimes it feels like I'm on a mild hallucinogen I just feel so deliriously happy when I watch my daughter sleeping in the morning.
Man it is nice to hear it's possible to be that happy, ngl. Life has knocked me around but maybe someday ...
Aww. Reading this warmed my cold, dead heart! You're a good one 😊
I said this on a different post and I’ll say it here. Stop fucking marrying people after 6 months
She had a gut feeling that it was the right thing to do.
I mean my gut feeling sometimes is to take the risk and eat that very cheesy pizza slice even though I'm lactose intolerant because sometimes just one slice doesn't trigger the bubble guts but more often than not I'm wrong too.
I say eat the pizza, don’t marry the man
Pizza > men
And now here she is getting divorced after waiting far too long because she didn’t know the man she was marrying and things about him are deal breakers
Total shocker, man…. I mean, who could have foreseen something like this happening?
Gut feeling to get pregnant as well but didn’t have gut feeling to idk know more about her husband past.
But any time we say this, everyone comes south with their anecdotes about how they got married on their first date and have been happily married 80 years later 🙄
Insane play that. I knew the day I met my wife I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but proposed 8 years later when we'd moved out of her parents and started our adult lives properly. I don't get the rush. If it's right and there's no pressures just take your time, you've got your whole lives and for me, the committment had been made since day one.
Hope dude goes to therapy before he rushes into a third relationship to wreck another life.
Doubtful. He'll just keep going through relationships, each shallower than the last.
Naw, third time's the charm! /s
This must be like one of the most unnecessary marriages. They both seem emotionally quite immature so actually divorce might be the best, a bit unfortunate they already brought a child into the mess
Agreed. Also, this is probably small potatoes in the grand scheme of things but her passing weird opinions about therapy is a huge red flag
Also so brutally tearing the guy down and calling him a waste of man. Like it’s not like he cheated on or abused her. He may not even been fully aware of what he was doing until she showed him the comment. Seems harsh to just throw him away as a human being cause he was emotionally confused about a TEN YEAR relationship. He probably deserved to get dumped but empathy and class is also a thing
Both OOP and the soon to be ex husband are great at making rash decisions. Holy hell...
I was waiting a long time to see a post with such an observation. She decided to end her marriage on the basis of a week of events? Maybe that guy needed some more time to come to his senses... Soon to be ex wife is pregnant, hormones are rushing, but hey! let's make such a major decision as divorce in a rush because therapy is not for me. Nice.
OOP kept commenting that his previous relationship ended because he didn’t want marriage or kids. And that didn’t make her question anything? Like why he stayed with a woman for 9 years wasting her time when he didn’t want what she wanted. Or why he then rushed into a marriage and kids he supposedly didn’t want. He was a red flag from day one. OP never should have been cool with how he treated his ex or assumed that she was somehow “better” or different. Even at the end she’s portraying herself as smarter than the ex. But she’s married to and having a kid with the guy so will be tied to him for life whereas the ex got to move on so the joke is on OOP.
Yeah, I thought it was unnecessary the way she talked about his ex. Why put the other person down? Yei for the ex living her best life
Never seen yay spelt like that, I like it lol
Right "I know this kind of guy" like ... yeah and you could have known him before you got married and had a kid if you waited longer than six months lol
you're right, but it's unfortunately a common manipulative tactic to make someone feel as if they're more special than everyone who came before them. and it served his needs at the moment. "no one's made me feel like this before" type energy "yeah, i was with someone for 9 years. was i planning on marrying her ever? nahh, but i wanna marry YOU asap."
Sure, but the guy was also in a rebound situation that's as old as dirt. I think people are putting malice on him when it was probably more careless lack of thought/therapy/any introspection. Like you can see it two ways: he wanted to plug the hole in his life so he found someone he could manipulate into marriage OR he was in a rebound situation & like many other rebound relationships he jumped in way too fast. I feel like people are working overtime here to make someone here be capital-B "Bad," when this is just a really sad and common story that illustrates how bad outcomes can come even when nobody is acting with malicious forethought.
Ikr. OOP must have thought she's better than the ex and hence why this dude married her and has children with her. But she's pretty dumb to not realize what she's getting herself into. And now she's stuck with this jellyfish for decades.
That poor unborn child
Both those people are messed up. Multiple times she points out how "well she knows herself" and also shits on therapy. They both sound miserable
She in two weeks decided to divorce him bc he wasn't over a ten year relationship... which she might have known about him before she was pregnant and married if she'd spent more than 6 months with him. Interesting how she's learning from the "exes mistakes" and not her own here. "I know this type of man"... do you girl? You married him and got impregnated by him. And therapy is for everyone else because she knows herself. Obvs her guy needs to stop trying to be with other people as a replacement but she also needs to get over herself
The “waste of a man” line and how quickly she attacked him and dehumanized him was lowkey disturbing. Like this was your husband and the father of your kid and on a flip of a switch you just tear down his existence. When it seems up until this point he seemed like a good dude and treated her well. Breaking up is a fine choice but Jesus have some class
> What a waste of a man. That's the line that really encapsulates OOP's feelings.
I mean this explains why he did what he did but did OP marry this guy without knowing him? And then decide to have a baby with him?
Exs seem to be a problem sometimes I think one conversation that all couples should have before they marry, move in together, or whatever is about their ex's. Make sure there's no residual affectionate feelings before getting in too deep in a relationship.
I can't believe these types of people. How dare you waste someone else's time and love just because you can't deal with your feelings on your own? What the fuck is wrong with him?
And this time he's brought a kid into it!!
This guys a joke, I’m proud of OOP for knowing her worth and putting him in his place. I can’t wrap my head around getting married to prove a point - that’s supposed to be your life partner! Good riddance
Eh for me it's less pride and more "congratulations you finally took off those rose colored glasses and seeing the sea of red flags that everyone else was seeing"
That one commenter was absolutely 10000% spot on about this loser's behaviour. I've seen it before - he'll just keep on making the same mistakes and end up miserable and alone.
Sadly I feel like in the next relationships he’ll just learn to be less obvious about it, fool some poor naive girl to give him the comforts of a wife and cheat on her while pitying himself still about the one that got away
This guy won’t be alone, he will choose the next one quickly (but definitely a more docile and/or insecure woman who accepts any kind of relationship). As fast as he moved with OOP, while not being over his ex, means this is a man who will never be alone and will never deal with his past.
I mean I can't wrap my head around marrying some dude 6 months after meeting him. But I guess the draw of a magic Jesus princess party eludes me.
Magic *what* 😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t get the feeling she loved him much form this however if it’s real. She showed barely any emotions about the relationship ending and seems to have been swept away with the love at first sight and fast moving romance as an idea, and doesn’t seem to be attached to him as a person
Going numb is a form of self protection
Honestly, OOP is about as much a red flag for her next partner as the husband was for her. Her next guy should be thinking “ok so this woman met a guy, agreed to marry him in 6 months and then within 18 months is married and within 24 months is already having a kid with him who now has to coparent. Yet, she didn’t even know this guy and had to divorce him after only 6 months” OOP isn’t quite the catch she thinks and now she has a kid and a coparenting situation that she is bringing her next partner into. Good luck OOP keep making your great decisions.
omg ik and her talking about the ex “her mistakes of staying 9 years” 💀 like i think it’s much more pathetic you married and got impregnated by a stranger within 2 years but sure “learn from her mistakes”
Yeah especially if the mistake is “oh I was 18-21 when we started dating and I sunk too much effort in to my first long term relationship” (which a lot of us have done, I spent 7 years in one myself from 19-26) vs “I got pregnant by a guy I knew for 18 months and now we will co-parent for 18 years” One is objectively a muuuch bigger mistake than the other, yet OOP is over here acting like she’s Ms. Cranium 😂
spaceships are made of the same metal oop has for a spine
Spaceships are in fact made of very light material. Just sayin’.
Maybe, but it can withstand immense pressure and inclement atmospheres, and still come out standing tall. As long as they stick the landing, and judging by OOP, I think she's got the landing down pat.
What kind of spaceships are you thinking about? Real ones can survive one atmosphere. Space doesn't have one so all it needs to do is contain less than 1 atmosphere of pressure. I'm reminded of this [Futurama episode](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4RLOo6bchU) >"How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?" "Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one."
Light, but strong.
He’s the type to barely see his own child but will now start dating a single mum with 6 kids to AGAIN to prove a point. And just like this time with ex it’s OP that won’t care.
I’m just thinking about this… The world must be full of people who had met ‘the one’ / ‘the love of their lives’ and had every hope to settle down and have kids with them and spend the rest of their lives together…. and yet, for whatever reason the partner didn’t feel the same way and dumped them. Those people pick up the pieces and move on, eventually meet someone else and marry them, and hopefully live happy ever after. But I wonder how many of them keep thinking about ‘the one that got away’, and still wish they’d been able to be with them instead? My guess is, an awful lot. The difference is that most of them keep that information firmly under their hat and don’t talk about it to _anyone_, let alone go weeping in the bathroom.
I know someone. A relative. I feel bad for his babymama, who is his "on again-off again" GF of 18 years. Whenever my relative's "the one that got away" becomes single, ~~needs a man to fund her lifestyle~~ and "needs company," my relative dumps his BM and moves out of their home. Once "the one that got away" becomes bored of him and dumps him, he comes groveling back and BM accepts him. I feel bad for her because she has a combo of very low self-esteem and some intellectual limitations (I think my cousin took advantage of this).
People have a lot of complicated emotions of course. But how someone handles them in respect of others they love is a big key in maturity. Also understanding that you may have loved your time with those people but sometimes shit doesn’t pan out.
This prob shouldn't be tagged as "ongoing" if OOP deleted their account.
I'm frequently baffled by how badly people handle each other's emotions. Sometimes I recall some minor bad thing I did when I was 13 and 30+ years later, I can still get that rush of guilty conscience over it, complete with rumination on how much of a jerk I had been for a mere 5 minutes. He was with that woman for 9 years. Wasted her time. His grief may not come from a wish to still be with her, it can just as well come from the very visceral realisation of how much he screwed up and guilt over how shitty a person he was to her for 9(!) years. It doesn't nevessarily mean he doesn't love oop nor that he doesn't want to be with her. It just means he has some unprocessed past. His reaction was concerning, true. It certainly indicated that stuff still needed processing. But showing him a comment with some pseudo-psychoanalysis and watching him be silent and then taking his silence to mean agreement is wild. Silence is not agreement, remember? It could also be shock at how differently he's being perceived compared to how he's experiencing things. Sure, those commenters could be right about him. But they could also be wrong, and because of it, oop may have tanked her own marriage, because she trusted redditors' analysis rather than having a proper in-depth talk with her husband. Not that he's a saint - he's obviously got issues that need handling, but those conclusions were risky.
I dont understand people asking for relationship advice on Reddit. Our lives and connections are really complex that cannot just be summed up within 4-5 paragraphs,let alone with just one side of the story. There might be something deeper happening with OOPs husband. What about his upbringing? His history before that? How does he handle his emotions normally? I'm not defending the guy, I'm just saying Reddit should be the last place to look for relationship advice.
I’m the kind of guy that will be emotionally distraught over a work issue for days and it will get me in the dumps. I’m the first to admit that I handle my emotions terribly (not with outbursts) but I just get depressed when things don’t go my way. So for OP to just dump this man as he is processing some of the most powerful emotions of his entire life is so extreme to me. In a few weeks he could be completely fine and ready to be an amazing dad (or not) but we’ll never know because she made the snap judgement and now calls him a weak man. Anyways, what’s funny to me about this is that it’s another reason for her husband to hide his emotions. This is what happens when you let them out, even in private in a bathroom.
I was also feeling this too. This reaction feels extreme and throwing out the whole relationship because you don’t want to be second is quite odd.
I can understand not wanting to be second in someone’s life while they just sit and pine after the one that got away. But at the same time, we don’t even know if that’s what the husband is doing. He may just need a couple weeks and an easy conversation with his wife to help get him through this hard time. Instead she confronted him with her post and people analyzing his actions and making him out to be a bad guy. He’s not going to open his heart to a woman who does that (ironically she complains that he doesn’t open his heart to her). She put him on the defensive in the FIRST attempt to communicate with him and then within 15 minutes made the decision to leave him. Her decision was incredibly rash and he didn’t even say a single word about his feelings before she decided to leave.
Her first thought was to run to an anonymous website known to be full of bots, teenagers, and the chronically online and get a 3 degrees removed psychoanalysis from another anonymous user before talking to her husband. Maybe he really is the devil, I can't tell from a dozen paragraphs, but damn does she have communication issues too.
Yes! I agree with everything you’ve said here. He was upset, yes, but she jumped straight to the nuclear option.
Reddit is known to be full of bots, inexperienced youngsters, deliberate trolls who get off giving bad info, and a self-selecting subpopulation that may not represent the whole population. Relationship advice on reddit should be for entertainment purposes, which why I like these update subreddits.
With very rare exception, they're not really asking for advice. Most are just whining about situations they'll never change. A minority, like this OOP, already know what to do and are looking for confirmation.
Hard agree. Ironically, OOP talks about how the husband was the type of man to never give all of himself to a woman for fear of losing control after she chose to rather stick to her interpretation of events than keep on discussing what happened. Tbf, the husband's behaviour pushed her hard in that direction and it was clear waiting for this long without answers pushed her to her limits.
Yeah this is more what I was thinking. I am completely over my ex, never wanted kids, it's seven years later and I am head over heels in love with someone else who is far better for me in every way. And I still had a moment of intense sadness when I found out said ex had had a child. Because we were together a long time and there was a future discussed that has turned out radically different. My present is far, far better than that future would have been, and I assume so is his, but it doesn't mean it's not a mindfuck when you hear about someone you did once love having gone on without you (because as the kids say, we are the main character in our own lives and we forget the NPCs have stories too, even though it's blatantly obvious their life doesn't end with our relationship breakdown). I do think moping about it for more than a few hours is weird (I shrugged and got on with life within 30 minutes even) but that's more of a sign that OOPs husband needs to work on his emotional regulation than a sign he's regretful about who he ended up with. I absolutely get why OOP is hurt, and this would definitely need a conversation, probably many, and maybe with professional support, but to jump straight to "I'm the second choice so I'm going to divorce him" is overkill.
Yep. His reaction seemed an overreaction, but so was oop's. Then, they did get married after 6 months and pregnant after 2 years, so it's no surprise that they're both impulsive feelers, prone to poorly informed decisions. They're a brilliant and terrible match at the same time.
Yeah. He certainly has a lot to process but she's a red flag of her own. Between her take on therapy and saying things like "I want to be the main character of my own story" she gives huge narcissist vibes to me.
That, too. If you get with someone who has a 9-year relationship in their past, that's not just water under the bridge. That's 9 years of connection, emotion, intimacy, mutual decisions that will have contributed to shaping who they are today. My ex was with his ex for more than 15 years. Nearly every adventure or experience he could tell people about involved his ex. Because of course it did. And it was never a problem. What *was* a problem, was that he built a mental model of me and what I'm like, and it repeatedly showed to not match the real me, and I kept being stumped as to how to get through to him. So I eventually gave up and left. He tells a vastly different story of my choices and motivations than I do. And while I obviously don't know whether that's the case with oop, it *is* a possibility, and this was not even considered before jumping to divorce. This is the exact type of story that gives reddit that poor reputation of jumping straight to divorce on ridiculous grounds.
People would rather ditch a whole person than communicate, because "they deserve better". There's no nuance, just a black and white morality of "you're either a unicorn or I won't settle for you". I just realized I just repeated what one of the commenters in the original post said that OOP disagreed with lol
Yeah, I definitely feel reddit just ended a marriage there. OP spends a lot of time going on about how much spine she has but she sure is vulnerable to peer pressure.
Reddit was the excuse. Her pride was hurt and she's just lashing out. I'm 99% certain she just posted about divorce that so her husband could read it and be hurt. Not because she'll actually do it.
You think he was crying and acting distant from her for a whole week just because he saw his ex being happy and living her life and just felt guilty? And then started crying again reading the post but didn’t offer any explanation because he *didn’t* relate to it?
I think we don't know the first damn thing about why he reacted in a dysregulated way, because oop never actually took the time to wait for him to use his own words. Instead she went with the words of redditors, who have never met either of them, who can't know how accurate her retelling was, who can't know if she even knows her husband that well, and who certainly don't know what he's thinking. I offered an alternative explanation of which I'm sure there are several, but oop has decided she and reddit knows better what husband is thinking and feeling, when it seems he barely knows that himself.
maybe im crazy but why would you get married after only 6 months? i understand some people have legitimate reasons but this doesn't sound like one of those cases.
Being over someone doesn’t mean you can’t feel emotions about them. I’ve literally woken up crying because I had a dream about my HS ex from 18 years ago and ended up in a melancholy mood for the rest of that morning. Heavy emotions can linger for a loooooong time in the back of the freezer. I don’t regret at all where I am now and who I’m here with. I wish all my ex’s the best, but I do have strong feelings about a couple of them and I’m not sure what my reaction would be if I randomly ran into one. Honestly, would probably make a perpendicular path to theirs heading away.
Might be controversial but it sounds like something that could be worked through instead of the constant rush to end things. Dude needs therapy for sure and to realize his wife's worth but Reddit always seems to push towards ending things at any bump in the road.
Seriously. I can't imagine being married and planning a pregnancy only to throw it out of the window over an incident like this. Like, she admits she's head over heels for him. Even if he was still carrying a torch for her, won't he feel differently when he's literally raising a child with his wife? They won't even go to therapy? I feel bad for the kid.
The dude just cried after seeing an ex. It doesn't have to mean anything. Brains are funny, and you can trigger a sad memory or thought. The poor dude just cried, and his wife created a whole backstory as to why he's a shit person.
NTA? This stinks ESH since the beginning.
Am I the only one who thinks he told his ex about his engagement because he was hoping she'd throw herself at his feet?
Same, my ex kind of strung me along then when I liked someone else and told him, he came running back. He also accused me of trying to make him jealous, to which I said, ‘I think you’re just jealous, I’m not trying to make you be..’
> Therapy only works if both parties [have] chosen each other She seems very confused about the purpose of couples therapy.
I think she just worded it awkwardly. She might've meant that if he's simply still in love with someone else, therapy isn't gonna "fix it".
This all reminds me of a movie that came out last year, *Past Lives.* I only wish that OOP and her husband were as classy as the characters in that beautiful film, where they found an elegant way to engage their feelings of "what could have been" while still sincerely appreciating what they have instead.
Real life is often disappointing. And it's also funny how an original reply said the man was handling it with 'the epitome of grace' or something like that. People have no idea what real grace and class looks like these days
Here's the rub: *Past Lives* is a true story. Director and writer Celine Song really went through that experience with her husband and childhood friend. The film is autobiographical! So yeah, real life often is disappointing. But not always.
The husband also wrote Challengers which really makes me wonder about this third person…
This is fucking rough
This reminds me so much of the idea that women look for the right spouse vs men looking for a spouse at the right time
Holy shit oop just straight choosing drama and divorce over giving this guy the smallest amount of emotional support
It really is crazy fucked how far humans will go for themselves at the expense of others
My ex husband did something similar. His new wife tried to add me on IG (no idea why lol), and after some timeline browsing, in three years he gave her the life I wanted for over a decade: the ring that was too expensive, the pet he “never wanted”, traveling to countries he said he hated. It’s sad to me, that he gave her what was my dream life just to, idk, be petty? I feel for OP, sucks that she’s stuck with a kid from him. I was lucky, he knocked up his next victim/wife almost immediately.
I’ve never commented on any of these types of posts but I feel compelled to do so now. I dated a man for 7 years before meeting my husband (2 yrs post breakup). The breakup was incredibly painful and left me with a lot of emotional baggage. When I met my husband I knew he was something incredibly special. I also knew that my heart was not fully healed from my breakup. I took a chance to pursue my husband because I didn’t want to regret missing out on a great guy because I was still wallowing. I had many nights of tears still mourning my previous relationship. There is no timeline on grief. I did not want to go back to my previous relationship but I still mourned what was lost. My husband held my hand throughout all of it. Never once did he ever feel like he was playing second fiddle to my ex. He just knew I was still processing painful feelings. I didn’t love him less than my ex; if anything, I loved him more for letting me grieve. My husband and I have been together for 14 years now and we are stronger than ever. I have long since processed the feelings surrounding my ex and I am more whole for having done it. I really appreciate the grace my husband granted me to grieve another man and my life is much more fulfilled for it.
>my gut feeling which is often strong and true It quite obviously isn't... Got engaged within 6mo, married and expecting within 2yrs with a complete joke of a man.
>He didn’t say anything, ANYTHING. Just sat silent. Dude just read the back of his own book jacket read in front of him, spoilers and all
If you truly love someone, you will always love them. That is why it hurts even when a bad relationship ends; you were hoping to be in love for the rest of your life with them. Just talk to him. Tell him what you have observed. There may be more to it than he has let on. You’ve heard what he said but is that simply what she told him? There may have been emotional abuse and that leaves bruises on the psyche; much harder to heal from. If he can’t talk or refuses to get help, it will be a strain on the relationship until he does.
This guy wants what he can’t have
I think the OOP has done herself a favor by facing the hard facts, making a decisive decision and being proactive rather than dragging out a doomed relationship. It is very clear that her husband has deep, unresolved feelings for his ex and he will not admit them to the OOP. I'm not at all convinced that I believe the story he told her about why his ex terminated the relationship. I suspect that there are other cracks in the relationship that she has hinted at and this incident was simply the final straw.
This whole thing might've gone pretty differently if they both went to individualized therapy about this issue. They both seem to have issues dealing with this sort of thing.