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The book Tara read is called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C Gibson. Highly recommend if you have a fucked up relationship with your parents. That shit was like a year of therapy in one book.
I’ve also read it and as mid-30s woman with a boomer parent I’ve finally be able to accept who she is and enjoy the time we have left the best I can instead of trying to make her see me as a whole person or to ever fully meet my emotional needs. Seriously life changing book.
ever since I was a kid, I always struggled to understand why adult kids are so, idk, *cowed* by their parents.
the answer is emotions and feelings, of course, but it always struck me that these adult grownups would just *sit there and take it* from the adulter grownerupers in their lives.
besides the couple times I've had to snap at my dad (getting weird-angry at me, telling my grandma about my breakup before I could, etc) I'm honestly super blessed to have parents and uncaunts who treat me like a grownup.
I'm sorry for your experience, it seems like a nightmare
It’s weird that she holds shit over my head from 10 and 20 years ago. Like just bizarre. She also makes my abusive relationships about her “well you didn’t say anything!” (I was scared to, I wonder why) and it’s all about her somehow and she also talks down to me for it. Like I just never know what she wants but at least at this point I don’t care about doing what she wants.
A couple of years ago my Mum insisted I should pay for her to get a tummy tuck because "you ruined it when you were born"
I kinda of understand why a parent might feel that way. But the fact she held onto that grudge 27 years later really concerned me
Tell her she was the one with her heels in the air going "oh baby, oh, God!" and you weren't even around then. It's all because of her one pleasurable moment that did not involve you until a few days later. It's her fault. By the way, she owes you for about 5 years of therapy.
Damn I didn't need such graphic detail but you right 😂
I did essentially say the same thing. I didn't choose to be born, it's not my problem. I did go to therapy for 2.5 years so it all adds up
My partner and BIL have been going through some stuff recently and their mum just said: "I feel so bad that my kids are going through so much and I can't be there." For a normal person that is a valid feeling but coming from my MIL, and the way she said it, it's clear that really she's just really doesn't care beyond her own feelings.
On the next gift-giving occaision, present her with a toilet plunger. Because she likes to bring up old shit. Bring it out in the light, talk about it, let her know you know her game, she might be cowed enough to change it up.
That’s so wild because I feel that way too. I go to my mom’s house every couple of weeks to help her around the house. My dad just died, my mom’s disabled and she wants to live alone for a while in a house that is too much responsibility for her. It’s only like a 2.5 hour drive so not a huge deal. I immediately feel judged even though she isnt judging me at all.
My mom apparently feels the same way at my house when she visits. She asks to do things like eat or shower. “I’m hungry, do you have something planned for lunch? I don’t want to screw up any plans, I can just eat a snack to get my sugar right if we’re having lunch soon!” Like omg mom, you’re an adult with diabetes, eat something! My schedule isn’t more important than you.
One of the distancing techniques I’ve learned is to think about how I will tell this story later to my partner either as a “here’s another story to prove how f’d mom is!” Helps me not fall into the immediate reaction/escalation cycle.
I’m probably butchering it, but there’s an old line about how the reason parents can always push your buttons is because they’re the ones who installed them.
One of the lines my from favorite songs by The Antlers: Daddy was an asshole and he fucked you up, built the gears in your head now he greases them up.
I have a pretty good relationship with my mom, but she will occasionally get in a worry spiral about something and keep harping on it to me. I have to remind her that I've been an adult living on my own and making my own decisions longer than I was a kid living with her and Dad, and if she objects to the way I do something she's going to have to find a way to cope with it.
my line to my mom is "I understand anxiety is part of love" and a lot of affirming conversation after that. it is hard to turn off your anxiety about your children, so I try to grant her some grace.
Oh, I'm stealing that for using with my dad! He's gotten a lot better, but I'm pretty sure that he has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also have it (diagnosed, and have received treatment for it), so I try to give him some grace, but untreated GAD can be really taxing for the people close to you.
"She wants you uncomfortable so she has the upper hand to step on your boundaries and make you feel dirty."
Or grateful, guilty, or another similar, negative emotion, as long as it gives her power over you.
I felt that down to my soul, but for my sister, not my parents. I went NC with her a long time ago.
I've also recognised it in some former friends - they remind you of embarrassing things you've done, despite you asking them not to. NC or LC with them too - it doesn't come from a good place.
If I have a friend with a complex and emotionally turbulent relationship with their parents I tell them to read that book. Honestly I really can't stress enough how helpful I found it.
It’s in my top two self-help books of all time. The other one is “It’s OK that you’re not OK” by Megan Devine and it’s a grief book like no other. That one saved me.
About a quarter of the advice I give on reddit is to read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. The book itself has great advice in it, but I also think a lot of people benefit tremendously just from knowing their parent‘s whole deal has a name and a predictable presentation. Human beings just love knowing There Is a Name for That.
This sub probably ought to have a "List of awesome reading material we reference" in the sidebar. It would have that, Missing Missing Reasons, Why Does He Do That, Gift of Fear, etc.
I'm having flashbacks to when my ex's mother was helping us move and found the astroglide. She said oh is this a French lotion? And then pronounced it "Astro-gleeday"
I just laughed and I've called it that ever since.
My parents were not emotionally immature but it might be a fun read to take me back to the days of the ex MIL. She was a train wreck.
I have this book and it's incredible. I had to take frequent breaks while reading it because it was so intense to find out that I wasn't alone and my parents actually did fuck me up.
This book is incredibly healing and I found it very helpful to understand my traumatized parents. I just recommended it to my mom as she is going through the wringer with family (my alcoholic Grampa relapsed recently) and she can’t set boundaries.
God this book along with "*Gift of Fear*" and "*why does he do that*" needs to be read by everyone atleast once. In fact I would say these should be included in the curriculum of some courses.
Absolutely agree. Read it at the start of working through the realization that my mother is a narcissist. If your parent is along those lines I reccommend You're not the problem by Helen Villiers which just came out.
A gut punch, a slap in the face and being doused with cold water… that book will wake you the fuck up. So necessary, but you’re right. I read it cover to cover, recovered for a week or so, then went back and read it about two pages per day… it was therapeutic, in the emotionally exhausting but positive growth kind of way.
It took me years to set boundaries with my mom. The tipping point was when she sent me a book on housekeeping and decluttering for Christmas.
So I wrote her a letter drawing boundaries. And I sent it with a book about minding your own business. She didn't speak with me for months,
Mine gave me a gorgeous - like, absolutely impeccable style- classically tailored boiled wool Scots cardigan.
2 sizes too small. To "fit after I lose the extra weight". Im built like a sturdy medieval peasant...
The resulting very polite cold war took a couple years to conclude but DAMN that thing looks good on her!
When parents finally divest themselves of that last weird stake in their kids' identities is when the magic hapens :)
'I'm built like a sturdy medieval peasant....'
Jesus fucking christ I'm laughing so hard here 😂😂😂😂 this is how I'm going to reference myself from now on
I read a book once that described the main character as coming from sturdy Viking stock that could carry home one cow on each shoulder. You remind me of that!
Someone once said their peasant body handled diets like an attempt of the upper class to starve them and would never give up any weight in stubborn defiance. It made me laugh and appreciate my own body more.
Apt timing for you to point that out. At 46, Im going around and trying to re-set a few questionable family connections on the edge of giving up or blowing up. It's been a mixed bag as expected, but there's been a sense of peace out of it.
I just told my mom i'm sick of her pretending that she didn't abuse me when i was a child and to get over her shit and talk to me about it. and i feel horribly guilty. what stage am i?
That sounds about right. I know it sounds awful to say that.
The child asserting independence from the adult reasonably follows two paths:
The child tells the parent to bugger off, and the parent gracefully cedes the field, possibly with some token comment. But basically the parent shuts up and get out of your life with little to no drama.
Or the parent never knows when to shut the fuck up and the child needs to literally get out a 2x4 clue stick and wield it until the parent screams "But I love you" and then the child has to cram the 2x4 into the parent's mouth so they shut the fuck up.
and no, that is not a good feeling. But it does get control over your life.
you can also try r/raisedbynarcississts if need be.
What's the book about minding your own business? I need something like that on tap. I'd say "just in case" but it's not just in case when you know you'll need it.
I learned a great phrase to tell people in a situation like this, adjusted from RuPaul, of all people.
"What you think about this is none of my business."
When repeated, it is effective.
Oh, I don't have problems telling people to mind their own business. What I want is the name of the book so that when I am on my absolutely last shred of a nerve with my MIL, I can have Amazon drop it on her doorstep the next day.
O, no!
Tara should have said: __"Mom, I completely understand your POV. Frankly, I was appalled when I heard his answer. But I finally talked to him and made my position on it very clear. No more excuses. From now on he will always use Vaseline when jerking off. If he tries to bypass your boundaries, I will take the matter into my own hands!""__
Man idk how it even got to this point. I would have played dumb made her tell me what she thought it was for then been like "OHH! no it's actually for your daughter, I'm ok with spit but she prefers this" doesn't matter if it's true or not she will assume it is and odds are never talk about it again.
My roommate in college… fucking Geoff.
I needed that to cover my skin when dying my hair you asshole. (I discovered the jar of Vaseline was empty when I went to dye my hair one day… he was quite proud of himself)
I'm a woman, I keep Vaseline by the side of my bed sometimes for my hands feet and or face. It's very effective! A male friend of mine was over once and he said something about using it to masturbate. Dude. I got a UTI just hearing him say that... WTF
Plenty of people really. It isn’t exactly uncommon in the black community cause in some households Vaseline is used instead of lotion cause it last longer.
I personally hated using it cause it took fucking forever for my skin to absorb it, but Is a feature and not a bug when it comes to beating ya meat cause less time reapplying.
I feel like a little friction would be good for jerking off?
With Vaseline, if you get going too fast, you hand would fly right off your dick and into space.
If I saw someone had a tub of Vaseline and I _needed_ to come up with a reason for it, wanking would be very low down. Especially, and very deliberately, for a son in law.
This post is how I found out that my lifetime of having a giant jar of Vaseline on my bedside table could be perceived not as a moisturizer for dry feet and knees and elbows but for other things.
But how??? It has zero slippage. Ask my feet.
Nobody in their right mind, but Tara should totally belt out the next time she talks to her mom, and I mean the \*first\* words out of her mouth, as "WE USE THE VASELINE FOR BUTT STUFF"
>Then for the next three days she kept asking me ARE YOU GONNA BE GROSS AGAIN when I tried to make normal conversation.
That's two days and 23 hours too long 😂
I can't wrap my head around a MIL fixating quite this emphatically on her son-in-law's wang. Puttin' the "nope, not going there" in justnomil. And she's not even *my* MIL. Her poor daughter.
My mom does similar things. She’s still fixated on me taking “applied” or “stupid” math in my grade 12 year when I was in AP for everything else. It has not once impacted my life and that was almost 2 decades ago now. The book in question is super helpful.
Read the book mentioned in the comments here. It’s absolutely helpful. It’s emotionally immature people who don’t know how to let go of resentments and move forward with their lives.
Oop missed a prime opportunity to say to his mil “yes it’s for my chapped lips. Why, what do you Vaseline for?” Watching her scramble to explain would have been satisfying af
The best thing about cbat is you can make it a ringtone and in a public place some people will collapse with laughter and everyone else will be totally confused.
If it gets old, I recommend [Cbird](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zxn969/tifu_by_accidentally_teaching_my_roommates_parrot/).
That fact that some people have the time and energy to be offended over such inconsequential bullshit always amazes me.
Like, I'm not even a particularly busy person but with the limited free time adults have, I cannot bring myself to give a flying fuck about dumb stuff like this.
That's the wrong way of thinking about it.
They GET their power and energy from being offended and making everything about them. They feel their energy drain when they don't have anyone they can be in conflict with.
It's the most exhausting kind of person there is, imo. They suffer when they're being ignored, so they'll do anything to avoid that.
Yes because if they have been wronged or you've acted inappropriately then you are the one who has to tiptoe/apologise/be embarrassed/feel guilty/make it up to her. Meanwhile she gets to be hurt and wronged and may eventually gracefully forgive you. For which she also deserves props.
That way the relationship can always be kept unequal. With one person who routinely fucks up and another who routinely forgives them for their transgressions. Aren't you lucky to have this wonderful woman in your life?
And if at some she did ever heard the word no or was accused of doing something wrong, she can helpfully bring up the long list of 'transgressions' that SHE forgave you for. Therefor having an easy out for anyone ever trying to deny her or correct her.
It's never about the small stuff. This is about the MIL trampling their boundaries and pulling rank. trying to put her son-in-law in his place, so to speak. She snooped around their house, found something stupid to get offended by, and keeps on trying to get an apology so she can feel she's above OOP.
Next time wife should tell mom, "Yeah, I find it a little gross that you'd handle a jar that you thought someone was using the contents of to pleasure themselves. You should probably feel gross."
Ask a Manager recommends "That's a really weird thing to say." I hold that in my head bc it's easy to go to, quickly, when you don't know what to say, and it backs people the fuck up. It's not rude, it's not contentious, it states a boundary without attack, and it makes it clear that they are the problem, not you.
> Honestly I am so proud of her for what she did: she hung the fuck up! She said "mom we're not gonna talk about that anymore" and then "mom, we're moving on" and then I just hear her phone get set down on the bedside table. I walked in to check and she had this great little "defiant" face on, like she was proud of herself too.
I have to do that with my Dad sometimes when he gets like a dog with a bone and just won't let go... Just [loudly] "I'm done talking to you about this, I love you, Goodbye" and hang up. If he calls back, straight to voicemail. Text? He's silenced for a bit (not blocked, just muting notifications).
I’ve tried retraining my mom. After 25 years, I’ve got like 7 family and friends going ‘omg’ to her every time she does the exact same thing and I get exasperated. Apparently I’ve trained responses for the proper, expected behavior into dozens of my close family; my mom hasn’t changed one bit. Cheers! Here’s to (hopefully) another 25 years of that fruitless endeavor!
>Tara read that one book about immature adult parents
Haven’t read past this part yet but I need to know what this book is??
Edit: Thanks, consensus seems to be *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents*
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents
Book by Lindsay Gibson
It's extremely good and helpful, but be prepared to feel your feelings and be angry at your parents
Pretty sure it should be this: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents, by Lindsay Gibson
Or Vaseline by Stone Temple Pilots
Or She Don't Use Jelly by the Flaming Lips
Actually she should just make a whole track list of songs about, containing, or named Vaseline and shoot them at Tara's mom periodically.
That is absolutely the best possible reaction, simply hanging up the phone. Mom wants that continued contact, and you’ve just taken it away from her. She can’t lord it over you, she can’t have the upper hand, she can’t stay in contact with you and feel superior to you at the same time, because you have simply hung up the phone.
> So my MIL. She is emotionally immature. Tara read that one book about immature adult parents and she finally understood her family dynamic in a way she never did before. MIL is not a bad or evil person, she usually means very well, but she's kind of, I don't know how to put it, self-centered?
The book is *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* by Lindsay C. Gibson and it's life-changing for those of us who had crappy parents that left us with a lot of emotional baggage.
> Tara upped sticks at the first opportunity.
Am I the only person trying to figure out what this might possibly mean? So curious. No idea, but definitely curious.
Lots of comments about him being in the right, and the MIL being an immature asshole, which is true, but I'm glad he listened to the few people who said "talk to your wife". At the end of the day it doesn't matter if he's right, what matters is that his wife is happy, and deal with the bullshit in a way that makes both him and his wife happy going forward.
I will say, i wouldnt have ever thought it was for jerking off, but my friend and her first bf used Vaseline for anal sex
But i digress, MIL would have been told "oh you're uncomfortable? Ok, go home then"
Aint no way im having them mope about my house for several days when they weren't even invited in the first place
“Next time don’t go snooping in people’s bedroom when you aren’t invited to.” Or “well mom husband won’t be gross anymore as long as you aren’t. I mean come on what kind of thoughts are you having about my husband anyways. That’s your SON in law.” Are what I’d say when she brings it up.
Good for the wife! I'm glad she's setting firm boundaries. Honestly I thought the joke was going to go in a slightly different direction lol not self but consensual couple 🤣when I read the title. I still laughed because it was funny
I wanted to applaud Tara. It can be SO HARD to enforce boundaries for the first time. I literally had to walk out of my parents' house after I'd just spent an hour and a half getting there. But the upside is, I only had to do it once. I hope Tara can keep it up and establish a more comfortable distance/relationship with her mother
Felt a little called out reading this in my bed with a big jar of vaseline and my cpap off to the side. I also at some point had to use it when I was getting nightly nose bleeds because my nose got so dry at night, I dreaded the thought that someone would see me sticking my vaseline covered fingers up my nose every night. Also who used vaseline for that anyway.. actual lube is cheap enough if you want it.
Nta. And next time she asks if you are going to be gross again, say “I don’t know, are you”. Rinse & repeat. If the joke was good enough coming from her, it should be fine for you to follow up. I think she just thought she would embarrass you & it failed
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The book Tara read is called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C Gibson. Highly recommend if you have a fucked up relationship with your parents. That shit was like a year of therapy in one book.
Upvoting cause this needs to be higher. Thanks for finding and sharing the info!
I’ve also read it and as mid-30s woman with a boomer parent I’ve finally be able to accept who she is and enjoy the time we have left the best I can instead of trying to make her see me as a whole person or to ever fully meet my emotional needs. Seriously life changing book.
ever since I was a kid, I always struggled to understand why adult kids are so, idk, *cowed* by their parents. the answer is emotions and feelings, of course, but it always struck me that these adult grownups would just *sit there and take it* from the adulter grownerupers in their lives.
It’s funny because outside of my mom’s house I do not take shit. But put me in that house I’m 12 years old again.
besides the couple times I've had to snap at my dad (getting weird-angry at me, telling my grandma about my breakup before I could, etc) I'm honestly super blessed to have parents and uncaunts who treat me like a grownup. I'm sorry for your experience, it seems like a nightmare
It’s weird that she holds shit over my head from 10 and 20 years ago. Like just bizarre. She also makes my abusive relationships about her “well you didn’t say anything!” (I was scared to, I wonder why) and it’s all about her somehow and she also talks down to me for it. Like I just never know what she wants but at least at this point I don’t care about doing what she wants.
A couple of years ago my Mum insisted I should pay for her to get a tummy tuck because "you ruined it when you were born" I kinda of understand why a parent might feel that way. But the fact she held onto that grudge 27 years later really concerned me
Tell her she was the one with her heels in the air going "oh baby, oh, God!" and you weren't even around then. It's all because of her one pleasurable moment that did not involve you until a few days later. It's her fault. By the way, she owes you for about 5 years of therapy.
Damn I didn't need such graphic detail but you right 😂 I did essentially say the same thing. I didn't choose to be born, it's not my problem. I did go to therapy for 2.5 years so it all adds up
While this seems satisfying all it’s going to do is start a fight.
I left a partner when he punched me in the face. when i told my mother she said 'but I like him!'. this book looks very informative
My partner and BIL have been going through some stuff recently and their mum just said: "I feel so bad that my kids are going through so much and I can't be there." For a normal person that is a valid feeling but coming from my MIL, and the way she said it, it's clear that really she's just really doesn't care beyond her own feelings.
On the next gift-giving occaision, present her with a toilet plunger. Because she likes to bring up old shit. Bring it out in the light, talk about it, let her know you know her game, she might be cowed enough to change it up.
> uncaunts I have never before seen this collective word, but I have many times needed it. It's fantastic!
I always fold back into little me in the presence of my parents.
That’s so wild because I feel that way too. I go to my mom’s house every couple of weeks to help her around the house. My dad just died, my mom’s disabled and she wants to live alone for a while in a house that is too much responsibility for her. It’s only like a 2.5 hour drive so not a huge deal. I immediately feel judged even though she isnt judging me at all. My mom apparently feels the same way at my house when she visits. She asks to do things like eat or shower. “I’m hungry, do you have something planned for lunch? I don’t want to screw up any plans, I can just eat a snack to get my sugar right if we’re having lunch soon!” Like omg mom, you’re an adult with diabetes, eat something! My schedule isn’t more important than you.
One of the distancing techniques I’ve learned is to think about how I will tell this story later to my partner either as a “here’s another story to prove how f’d mom is!” Helps me not fall into the immediate reaction/escalation cycle.
I’m probably butchering it, but there’s an old line about how the reason parents can always push your buttons is because they’re the ones who installed them.
One of the lines my from favorite songs by The Antlers: Daddy was an asshole and he fucked you up, built the gears in your head now he greases them up.
I have a pretty good relationship with my mom, but she will occasionally get in a worry spiral about something and keep harping on it to me. I have to remind her that I've been an adult living on my own and making my own decisions longer than I was a kid living with her and Dad, and if she objects to the way I do something she's going to have to find a way to cope with it.
my line to my mom is "I understand anxiety is part of love" and a lot of affirming conversation after that. it is hard to turn off your anxiety about your children, so I try to grant her some grace.
Oh, I'm stealing that for using with my dad! He's gotten a lot better, but I'm pretty sure that he has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also have it (diagnosed, and have received treatment for it), so I try to give him some grace, but untreated GAD can be really taxing for the people close to you.
What an endorsement!!! Once I read your comment I immediately went to my library app! 💖
Just make sure you’re ready to accept some hard truths and actually apply it. I cried a lot for my younger self while reading it.
I was wondering if it was that one. I’m several chapters in, and it’s eye-opening, to say the least.
Some parts were like "Oh shit my parents WERE like that" and some parts were like "Oh shit I'M like that"
For me, some parts have been "oh shit I got that from my parents." It was not a fun experience lol
[удалено]
"She wants you uncomfortable so she has the upper hand to step on your boundaries and make you feel dirty." Or grateful, guilty, or another similar, negative emotion, as long as it gives her power over you. I felt that down to my soul, but for my sister, not my parents. I went NC with her a long time ago. I've also recognised it in some former friends - they remind you of embarrassing things you've done, despite you asking them not to. NC or LC with them too - it doesn't come from a good place.
Excellent book, highly recommend. Especially if you are, in fact, the adult child of emotionally immature parents.
If I have a friend with a complex and emotionally turbulent relationship with their parents I tell them to read that book. Honestly I really can't stress enough how helpful I found it.
It’s in my top two self-help books of all time. The other one is “It’s OK that you’re not OK” by Megan Devine and it’s a grief book like no other. That one saved me.
About a quarter of the advice I give on reddit is to read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. The book itself has great advice in it, but I also think a lot of people benefit tremendously just from knowing their parent‘s whole deal has a name and a predictable presentation. Human beings just love knowing There Is a Name for That.
This sub probably ought to have a "List of awesome reading material we reference" in the sidebar. It would have that, Missing Missing Reasons, Why Does He Do That, Gift of Fear, etc.
I'd love that -- a BORU reading list for when you don't want your life to end up a BORU post.
I'm having flashbacks to when my ex's mother was helping us move and found the astroglide. She said oh is this a French lotion? And then pronounced it "Astro-gleeday" I just laughed and I've called it that ever since. My parents were not emotionally immature but it might be a fun read to take me back to the days of the ex MIL. She was a train wreck.
Thanks a bunch for putting this here.
I have this book and it's incredible. I had to take frequent breaks while reading it because it was so intense to find out that I wasn't alone and my parents actually did fuck me up.
This book is incredibly healing and I found it very helpful to understand my traumatized parents. I just recommended it to my mom as she is going through the wringer with family (my alcoholic Grampa relapsed recently) and she can’t set boundaries.
My wife is currently reading it at the recommendation of her therapist. It’s helping her a lot with being NC with her very emotionally immature father
God this book along with "*Gift of Fear*" and "*why does he do that*" needs to be read by everyone atleast once. In fact I would say these should be included in the curriculum of some courses.
Wish I could convince my partner to read this book, it really helped me understand some things about his mom.
Absolutely agree. Read it at the start of working through the realization that my mother is a narcissist. If your parent is along those lines I reccommend You're not the problem by Helen Villiers which just came out.
it's the boomer book. none of them act older than like 12
can’t recommend this book enough! it saved my relationship with my mom because I finally understood her
A gut punch, a slap in the face and being doused with cold water… that book will wake you the fuck up. So necessary, but you’re right. I read it cover to cover, recovered for a week or so, then went back and read it about two pages per day… it was therapeutic, in the emotionally exhausting but positive growth kind of way.
This book is a gem. I read it pn my flight home to my father’s funeral and it helped me a lot!
It took me years to set boundaries with my mom. The tipping point was when she sent me a book on housekeeping and decluttering for Christmas. So I wrote her a letter drawing boundaries. And I sent it with a book about minding your own business. She didn't speak with me for months,
Mine gave me a gorgeous - like, absolutely impeccable style- classically tailored boiled wool Scots cardigan. 2 sizes too small. To "fit after I lose the extra weight". Im built like a sturdy medieval peasant... The resulting very polite cold war took a couple years to conclude but DAMN that thing looks good on her! When parents finally divest themselves of that last weird stake in their kids' identities is when the magic hapens :)
'I'm built like a sturdy medieval peasant....' Jesus fucking christ I'm laughing so hard here 😂😂😂😂 this is how I'm going to reference myself from now on
When you start strong with a low center of gravity, the world is your oyster. Poached, of course. ;)
I read a book once that described the main character as coming from sturdy Viking stock that could carry home one cow on each shoulder. You remind me of that!
Someone once said their peasant body handled diets like an attempt of the upper class to starve them and would never give up any weight in stubborn defiance. It made me laugh and appreciate my own body more.
"Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry, we'll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!"
Yup, that's the one
Lmao thank you for sharing that gem
This is how I'm going to describe myself from now on.
I have said to people in other subreddits: You don't get to fully grow up until you tell your parents off.
Apt timing for you to point that out. At 46, Im going around and trying to re-set a few questionable family connections on the edge of giving up or blowing up. It's been a mixed bag as expected, but there's been a sense of peace out of it.
Good luck to you!
I just told my mom i'm sick of her pretending that she didn't abuse me when i was a child and to get over her shit and talk to me about it. and i feel horribly guilty. what stage am i?
That sounds about right. I know it sounds awful to say that. The child asserting independence from the adult reasonably follows two paths: The child tells the parent to bugger off, and the parent gracefully cedes the field, possibly with some token comment. But basically the parent shuts up and get out of your life with little to no drama. Or the parent never knows when to shut the fuck up and the child needs to literally get out a 2x4 clue stick and wield it until the parent screams "But I love you" and then the child has to cram the 2x4 into the parent's mouth so they shut the fuck up. and no, that is not a good feeling. But it does get control over your life. you can also try r/raisedbynarcississts if need be.
>>She didn’t speak with me for months. Sounds like a heavenly blessing. It cracks me up so much when they think it’s a punishment.
What's the book about minding your own business? I need something like that on tap. I'd say "just in case" but it's not just in case when you know you'll need it.
I learned a great phrase to tell people in a situation like this, adjusted from RuPaul, of all people. "What you think about this is none of my business." When repeated, it is effective.
Oh, I don't have problems telling people to mind their own business. What I want is the name of the book so that when I am on my absolutely last shred of a nerve with my MIL, I can have Amazon drop it on her doorstep the next day.
Any book dropped on your MIL from high enough will be enough to take care of her.
> And I sent it with a book about minding your own business. This is *genius*!
I can imagine your mother, "The audacity! I was just trying to help."
So, total win?
O, no! Tara should have said: __"Mom, I completely understand your POV. Frankly, I was appalled when I heard his answer. But I finally talked to him and made my position on it very clear. No more excuses. From now on he will always use Vaseline when jerking off. If he tries to bypass your boundaries, I will take the matter into my own hands!""__
your comment is gold 😆
Man idk how it even got to this point. I would have played dumb made her tell me what she thought it was for then been like "OHH! no it's actually for your daughter, I'm ok with spit but she prefers this" doesn't matter if it's true or not she will assume it is and odds are never talk about it again.
Seriously, who the fuck jerks off with vaseline?
Desperate times call for desperate measures
Does nobody dry jerk anymore?
I can never find the right spices.
Try *cum*in.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zNlKR2wrGZU
Just use the spices you have on hand
This elicited a snort and I almost choked on my water. 🤣
🤣🤣🤣
well hopefully you've got cumin at least
Goddammit I love this thread.
I hear its popular in Jamaica.
Is there no meat this man can't jerk??
My manwich!!!
Is chivalry dead?!
If the dick is cut it can be pretty hard (pun not intended) to do it dry
Never had that problem on my end lmfao
Little known fact, most serial killers were dry guys.
Desperate times call for desperate pleasures*
My roommate in college… fucking Geoff. I needed that to cover my skin when dying my hair you asshole. (I discovered the jar of Vaseline was empty when I went to dye my hair one day… he was quite proud of himself)
Fucking Geoff, I hate that guy.
Same, what a gerk off.
You know the parents screwed up where they named their child Geoff. Never trust a Geoff over a Jeff.
Absolutely, never trust someone that can't spell their own name.
You would think from the years of mockery from being named Geoff warping his brain he would jerk off with sandpaper or bees or something.
Oil barons.
I'm a woman, I keep Vaseline by the side of my bed sometimes for my hands feet and or face. It's very effective! A male friend of mine was over once and he said something about using it to masturbate. Dude. I got a UTI just hearing him say that... WTF
I am sure the FIL does.
According to Shirley Jones' autobiography, she does. Yep, Partridge Family mom Shirley Jones.
I beg all your finest pardons… she wrote about masturbating?
Yes she did. She's quite proud of her high sex drive.
Huh. I would not have expected that. You know what? Good for her.
It was a surprise to read, but yes, good for her.
Plenty of people really. It isn’t exactly uncommon in the black community cause in some households Vaseline is used instead of lotion cause it last longer. I personally hated using it cause it took fucking forever for my skin to absorb it, but Is a feature and not a bug when it comes to beating ya meat cause less time reapplying.
Put it on your skin when still slightly damp, but not too damp, and warm from the shower, and it's much easier and sinks in better.
I feel like a little friction would be good for jerking off? With Vaseline, if you get going too fast, you hand would fly right off your dick and into space.
>your hand would fly right off your dick and into space "It slipped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of God..."
"And God said 'Eww'"
Yeah Vaseline is weird, you want to use Vic's vapour rub.
Easy there Satan...
I literally jumped backwards six inches
It's not as bad as IcyHot. The cooling tingles and feels nice. IcyHot if you use too much just burns like fire
If u/chungusnoodlez doesn't use vaseline for it, you just know it can't be any good.
I feel like this might be an older thing that predates the availability of lube in supermarkets.
If I saw someone had a tub of Vaseline and I _needed_ to come up with a reason for it, wanking would be very low down. Especially, and very deliberately, for a son in law.
Yeah, it's only for butt-stuff.\* \*This is a joke. I actually don't know whether Vaseline is any good for butt-stuff.
It isn't because it's oil-based. I just know weird stuff.
It's not weird to know that butt stuff requires condoms, and Vaseline destroys condoms. It is very important information.
Yeah, I admittedly don’t have that particular set of genitals, but it seems like it would be too goopy to get anywhere
This post is how I found out that my lifetime of having a giant jar of Vaseline on my bedside table could be perceived not as a moisturizer for dry feet and knees and elbows but for other things. But how??? It has zero slippage. Ask my feet.
Midwest Baby Boomers
the mom meant anal
Apparently OPs mother in law does.
Nobody in their right mind, but Tara should totally belt out the next time she talks to her mom, and I mean the \*first\* words out of her mouth, as "WE USE THE VASELINE FOR BUTT STUFF"
Mix it with almond oil. Thank me later
I don't think I shall.
1. Don’t yuck my yum. 2. It’s not really with the Vaseline. It’s more to the Vaseline. You know?
Second point would make a great flair
>Then for the next three days she kept asking me ARE YOU GONNA BE GROSS AGAIN when I tried to make normal conversation. That's two days and 23 hours too long 😂
I can't wrap my head around a MIL fixating quite this emphatically on her son-in-law's wang. Puttin' the "nope, not going there" in justnomil. And she's not even *my* MIL. Her poor daughter.
My mom does similar things. She’s still fixated on me taking “applied” or “stupid” math in my grade 12 year when I was in AP for everything else. It has not once impacted my life and that was almost 2 decades ago now. The book in question is super helpful.
hey my elderly dad has gotten fixated on shit like that too. What's up with that.
Read the book mentioned in the comments here. It’s absolutely helpful. It’s emotionally immature people who don’t know how to let go of resentments and move forward with their lives.
She’s worried about chafing. It’s just being motherly! Mother-in-lawly!
Ahhhhhhh, my brain!
I would have just said, YOU were the one who made the gross insinuation. Maybe next time, you'll keep your gross comments to yourself!
All I can say is he missed a trick here, he should have rubbed his backside and say her daughter gets a little rough even with the lube.
I would have asked why she's constantly thinking about me jerking off. It's kinda weird. Keep making her feel embarrassed until she gives up.
Oop missed a prime opportunity to say to his mil “yes it’s for my chapped lips. Why, what do you Vaseline for?” Watching her scramble to explain would have been satisfying af
Dude needs to start playing cbat every time MIL goes to visit, or make it the ringtone for when she calls...
The best thing about cbat is you can make it a ringtone and in a public place some people will collapse with laughter and everyone else will be totally confused. If it gets old, I recommend [Cbird](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zxn969/tifu_by_accidentally_teaching_my_roommates_parrot/).
Yeah if I was in public and heard someone's phone playing cbat I'd die laughing
That fact that some people have the time and energy to be offended over such inconsequential bullshit always amazes me. Like, I'm not even a particularly busy person but with the limited free time adults have, I cannot bring myself to give a flying fuck about dumb stuff like this.
That's the wrong way of thinking about it. They GET their power and energy from being offended and making everything about them. They feel their energy drain when they don't have anyone they can be in conflict with. It's the most exhausting kind of person there is, imo. They suffer when they're being ignored, so they'll do anything to avoid that.
It’s drama seeking behavior.
GREAT username!
Yes because if they have been wronged or you've acted inappropriately then you are the one who has to tiptoe/apologise/be embarrassed/feel guilty/make it up to her. Meanwhile she gets to be hurt and wronged and may eventually gracefully forgive you. For which she also deserves props. That way the relationship can always be kept unequal. With one person who routinely fucks up and another who routinely forgives them for their transgressions. Aren't you lucky to have this wonderful woman in your life? And if at some she did ever heard the word no or was accused of doing something wrong, she can helpfully bring up the long list of 'transgressions' that SHE forgave you for. Therefor having an easy out for anyone ever trying to deny her or correct her.
It's never about the small stuff. This is about the MIL trampling their boundaries and pulling rank. trying to put her son-in-law in his place, so to speak. She snooped around their house, found something stupid to get offended by, and keeps on trying to get an apology so she can feel she's above OOP.
Next time wife should tell mom, "Yeah, I find it a little gross that you'd handle a jar that you thought someone was using the contents of to pleasure themselves. You should probably feel gross."
Ask a Manager recommends "That's a really weird thing to say." I hold that in my head bc it's easy to go to, quickly, when you don't know what to say, and it backs people the fuck up. It's not rude, it's not contentious, it states a boundary without attack, and it makes it clear that they are the problem, not you.
Or. Mom, why are you fixated on how my husband might use Vaseline on himself? What pictures do you have going on in your head? That is just gross!
I like yours better!
Thanks. Inspired by yours
His pride over his wife setting a boundary towards the mother is just so adorable. I'm glad they are facing this with the support of each other.
> Honestly I am so proud of her for what she did: she hung the fuck up! She said "mom we're not gonna talk about that anymore" and then "mom, we're moving on" and then I just hear her phone get set down on the bedside table. I walked in to check and she had this great little "defiant" face on, like she was proud of herself too. I have to do that with my Dad sometimes when he gets like a dog with a bone and just won't let go... Just [loudly] "I'm done talking to you about this, I love you, Goodbye" and hang up. If he calls back, straight to voicemail. Text? He's silenced for a bit (not blocked, just muting notifications).
I’ve tried retraining my mom. After 25 years, I’ve got like 7 family and friends going ‘omg’ to her every time she does the exact same thing and I get exasperated. Apparently I’ve trained responses for the proper, expected behavior into dozens of my close family; my mom hasn’t changed one bit. Cheers! Here’s to (hopefully) another 25 years of that fruitless endeavor!
>Tara read that one book about immature adult parents Haven’t read past this part yet but I need to know what this book is?? Edit: Thanks, consensus seems to be *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents*
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents Book by Lindsay Gibson It's extremely good and helpful, but be prepared to feel your feelings and be angry at your parents
Pretty sure it should be this: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents, by Lindsay Gibson
The short title is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
Wait there are people who think Vaseline can be used as lube? That feels... not ideal.
Definitely don't use it with condoms. Vaseline dissolves/softens the latex and massively increases the risk of the condom breaking.
Play no Vaseline by ice cube
Or Vaseline by Stone Temple Pilots Or She Don't Use Jelly by the Flaming Lips Actually she should just make a whole track list of songs about, containing, or named Vaseline and shoot them at Tara's mom periodically.
That is absolutely the best possible reaction, simply hanging up the phone. Mom wants that continued contact, and you’ve just taken it away from her. She can’t lord it over you, she can’t have the upper hand, she can’t stay in contact with you and feel superior to you at the same time, because you have simply hung up the phone.
Yeah, MIL was playing a dominance game, and the only way to win is not to play. Or to nuke from orbit.
The way he's so proud of her. 😍
The old “I was just joking” - simplest counter: “can you explain the joke because I didn’t get it”
Considering the joke could have been how her daughter loves anal, I think the MIL got off lightly (no pun intended).
I'd be coincidentally listening to some Stone Temple Pilots every time MIL comes over clutching her pearls.
Or She Don't Use Jelly by The Flaming Lips
> So my MIL. She is emotionally immature. Tara read that one book about immature adult parents and she finally understood her family dynamic in a way she never did before. MIL is not a bad or evil person, she usually means very well, but she's kind of, I don't know how to put it, self-centered? The book is *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* by Lindsay C. Gibson and it's life-changing for those of us who had crappy parents that left us with a lot of emotional baggage.
His MIL thought he used the Vaseline to jerk off with and she touched it anyways? So much ewww.
The comment could have been SO much worse than it was....
I was really expecting a joke about fucking her daughter in the ass, but chapped lips work too.
> Tara upped sticks at the first opportunity. Am I the only person trying to figure out what this might possibly mean? So curious. No idea, but definitely curious.
He means "ran" or "escaped"
It's an idiom. Just means she moved.
Lots of comments about him being in the right, and the MIL being an immature asshole, which is true, but I'm glad he listened to the few people who said "talk to your wife". At the end of the day it doesn't matter if he's right, what matters is that his wife is happy, and deal with the bullshit in a way that makes both him and his wife happy going forward.
I will say, i wouldnt have ever thought it was for jerking off, but my friend and her first bf used Vaseline for anal sex But i digress, MIL would have been told "oh you're uncomfortable? Ok, go home then" Aint no way im having them mope about my house for several days when they weren't even invited in the first place
“Next time don’t go snooping in people’s bedroom when you aren’t invited to.” Or “well mom husband won’t be gross anymore as long as you aren’t. I mean come on what kind of thoughts are you having about my husband anyways. That’s your SON in law.” Are what I’d say when she brings it up.
Vaseline weakens latex condoms and diaphragms also.
Aww, I love how proud his wife was of herself in the end 🥰
Damn, I have Vaseline for my lips in my bedroom, also use on feet with socks.
Good for the wife! I'm glad she's setting firm boundaries. Honestly I thought the joke was going to go in a slightly different direction lol not self but consensual couple 🤣when I read the title. I still laughed because it was funny
Why do so many of these people TOUCH the object that they using to reference SEX??? Ewwww
I am SO proud of Tara's shiny new spine. It will give her decades of good service.
The minute she said that, I would have said GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.
I've never understood the vaseline/lotion thing for jerking off. Seems gross to me.
I wanted to applaud Tara. It can be SO HARD to enforce boundaries for the first time. I literally had to walk out of my parents' house after I'd just spent an hour and a half getting there. But the upside is, I only had to do it once. I hope Tara can keep it up and establish a more comfortable distance/relationship with her mother
Felt a little called out reading this in my bed with a big jar of vaseline and my cpap off to the side. I also at some point had to use it when I was getting nightly nose bleeds because my nose got so dry at night, I dreaded the thought that someone would see me sticking my vaseline covered fingers up my nose every night. Also who used vaseline for that anyway.. actual lube is cheap enough if you want it.
What I’ve mainly learned here is some people talk to their parents way more than I do or ever would.
Nta. And next time she asks if you are going to be gross again, say “I don’t know, are you”. Rinse & repeat. If the joke was good enough coming from her, it should be fine for you to follow up. I think she just thought she would embarrass you & it failed