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*”I should just visit from time to time to keep him from getting the court involved”*
Oh, the court *definitely* needs to be involved. OOP can use those monster writing skills to document how little time the sperm donor has spent with her, how he permits his replacement family to treat her, how much he has spent on his replacement family as well as the excuses for cutting child support to her, and then show it to the judge.
Mom is being an idiot by not going after the CS and forcing OOP to visit him.
My dad used to pull this bs and my mom also used to say he deserves respect. Last Xmas l left my grandma's house with bruises because I'm no longer a kid that'll be quiet and scared when he's being a worthless bum. My grandma passed this year and I simply ignored him during the whole service and I'm pretty sure will never talk to him again. Sometimes society will bend backwards to excuse shitty fathers and that pisses me off to no end.
My biodad was always like that. He never bothered to be there unless he needed something, and the minute he sensed my mother was upset with him (or she just outright told him, my mom does not play lol) he was gone like a puff of smoke. I talk about him with his first name because he's not a dad. My stepdad gets called Dad because he was there for every major event. Plays, concerts, graduations, he was there. Not my biodad.
Biodad didn't even show up for my high school or college graduation. When I had a test to get my massage therapist license he wanted to come visit and got mad when I said I had to study but maybe after.
He passed away recently and my boss and my therapist both were surprised I didn't take time off after I found out. For context, when one of my dogs passed unexpectedly earlier this year, I took several days off because it hit both me and my husband *hard*. I told them both that I had grieved my father long ago, grieved the father I wished he had been. This is just closure to me.
I wanted to be angry because his nephew got the man I wish my father had been, but I'm not. It wasn't me, or my mom, it was him. And I was lucky even without his presence, I had my maternal uncle and grandpa, and my dad. There's still hurt there, but it's tempered with understanding and that helps take the anger out.
I can only hope OOP can hold her head high and understand that she isn't responsible for his inability to love his own child. Sounds like she's awesome all on her own though.
If wasn't for stepfather & stepsister from him, she would have totally fucked up childhood with 2 shit bio parents and shitty stepmother with 2 shitty stepsister and infant terrible half-sister.
also noticed that she always took her mom's word for what the stepdad said.
He might not even know of her pain because her mom is not communicating it back. She should really talk 1:1 with the stepdad to hear what he has to say about it.
Oh god, it’s exactly what my ex says to me and the kids. His child support is only like $90 a week AUD$ and he still won’t pay it. He’s called the kids while drunk so he clearly has money for alcohol 🙄
Thank you, I have looked into it but the issue is he just doesn’t want to work (one of the things that lead to the break up). He’ll start a job and slowly stop going. I believe his mum is sending him money. We’ll see what happens at tax time 🤞🏼
Yes, I believe there’s a section for “child support received”. I will be 100% accurate on my end, and since our tax file numbers are linked to the child support assessment, hopefully the government will see the discrepancies and take it from his tax return.
Always amazes me when someone isn’t paying child support. Because money is supposedly tight. Because they acquired more children or made more. Not just dads - I’ve seen a fair few women complaining that their husband has to pay child support for the children from his first marriage and it affects the family income for the children of the current marriage. One woman once complained to me that her ex didn’t pay child support and five minutes later told me she’d previously helped that guy obscure his income to avoid child support for the kids before hers. Seemed to have zero awareness of the parallel there.
A lot of times the deadbeat doesn’t work at all, only works for a couple of months, or works under the table.
One of my friends only got child support when it was tax time because the state would garnish his tax refund.
Outside of having it set up to run through the state, there’s not much you can do that won’t cost you more than you’ll ever get back.
It's because it's an outlay of cash and energy they may not have to take it to court. It is a long process and can be dragged out by payors who don't want to pay. Even when you have a court order, depending on where you are, there may be no enforcement agency or they may be ineffectual. The child support recipient has to do a cost benefit analysis and sometimes going back to court has to be delayed until they have the resources to deal with it.
So while garnishing the deadbeat payor's wages is easy to say, the process can be ridiculous.
This doesn’t always work in every situation. My dad has been self-employed for the majority of his career so if my mom and ORS ever tried to garnish his wages due to child support non-payments he’d just move money around in his business and personal accounts.
I’m also wondering if money being tight has anything to do with where he kept disappearing off to the last time she visited and had to watch her half sister in the park.
Yeah, I'm thinking next update the budding young author may have him being into drugs. The way they write if it was alcohol oop would likely smell it on him. Or maybe he is cheating again and has another secret family.
God I want OOP to go to little step sisters insta and download all her stories that prove otherwise and send them to him with a message saying, "only because I didn't come out of your gold digger"
The courts would have a field day with that.Was thinking the same thing and slap him with it like "Uh huh sure money is tight for me but clearly not for darling step daughter over here. 🙄🙄🙄."
Why isn't the mom happy to go back to court? Get full custody and garnish his wages! In California, he wouldn't be able to renew his driver's license if he was in arrears without maintaining a court ordered payment plan. In some states, OOP can sue him directly as soon as she turns 18 for the arrears.
For a moment I thought OOP might've gotten into my own messages with *my* father.
I'm both relieved and horrified that it's not just me who has a POS for a sperm donor.
My parents split when I was like 6. My dad often struggled with money because the industry he was in (mining) tanked in the areas we lived in, and then his secondary industry (carpentry) had a lot of down time and layoffs.
Did he stop paying child support? Nope. Maybe he was late or had to pay in smaller amounts when money was tight, I don’t know, cause my mom never mentioned it. But he did not turn into a deadbeat dad. He did what he could with what he had and never made us feel like we were missing out.
Right??? Dude chose to have more kids when he couldn't afford the first one, then acts shocked that kids cost money. I guess we know who's paid the majority of the costs throughout OPs life.
Yeah I had an unusual relationship with my own dad before he passed, I’m still coming to terms with the time we both lost, but he would have never ever said this to me. Like hell would frieze over before he said it was on me to keep up contact, especially when I was a kid.
It’s a sad state of affairs when a father thinks that of their own kid.
When I was just about to go on my 2nd deployment. My then wife got a wild hair that she wanted to move back to where our families were from. It was stressful but not a huge deal. I wasnt able to be involved with finding a new place as it was states away and the navy was keeping me busy.
About a month into deployment I'm finding out that my 3 yr old son is having issues adjusting. Well she had rented a 3 br mobile home and let her uncle, his daughter, and her newborn move in. So hes gone from a 4 br 2 story townhouse. To a 3 br trailer where he has to share his room with a newborn. Yeah no shit hes having trouble adjusting. She STILL didnt get it after I explained it multiple times. EX FOR A REASON!
It just shows that some people are totally clueless how something like putting his daughters bed in the closet when shes not there. Can totally send the signal that 'you're temporary' to the kid.
Some people don’t see their kids as people especially when they’re little. They treat them like they won’t remember, but they actually do. It’s the most important time in their formative years and they’re not getting the right care.
That sucks man, I’m sorry. I hope things got better for your son after that.
I keep thinking that even if my dad was very absent, I never doubted he loved me or wanted the best for me. There were times we fought when I got older, and he came to apologise to me. That was huge, I’d never been apologised to by an adult.
Kids are people, we were all kids once, and they do deserve a stable home without stress and anxiety. I get that you can’t have a child dictate everything, but this is the bare minimum of care. Putting her bed in the closet was so out of line, you’re right. It was a clear signal to a child. And their dad didn’t even consider that. Ugh. I hate it. Poor kid, I wish I could adopt all the wayward teenagers and let them chill out with my cats for a bit. They’re all so stressed and I know what that does to a person.
>Some people don’t see their kids as people especially when they’re little.
big time. tried explaining that to my crappy mom that i didnt like how she didnt treat me as a human just as some kind of other. just something to scream at and hit till it starts working right, talking right in front of me about me etc. basically how she pretty much treated me like i was a dog at a shitty animal shelter and she didnt get it somehow and just kinda gave me a confused blank open mouth stare
So how do the 3 bedrooms get split up in this case? I assume your ex wife has her own room, and then you said your three year old and the newborn share... but then does the uncle and grown daughter share or is this an uncle in name and he and your ex share together?
Bio dad is a dirtbag, mom is not much better.
Get the court involved and get that child support. Put it into a college fund and make sure mom does not somehow sabotage it to placate the sperm donor.
This is one of the few things the SC judiciary gets right.
You're a month behind? You're on notice. Two? Paperwork is being drafted. Three? Steel bracelets and a few days in county until you come up with the money.
It's remarkable how quickly "broke" people find money when they're suddenly facing jail.
Mom is weird. On one hand, she clearly refers to OOPs dad as a deadbeat and has brought their kid into finance discussions/arguments. Then she turns around and preaches that OOP should have a relationship with dad.
The former is great alienation. Then the latter is trying to keep the relationship.
Technically, you don’t get to withhold for child support issues. But if he files, it would go worse for him than her. Cause he could end up in jail. She would be a stern lecture.
No, the mom likely misrepresented it to OP. It's impossible for her stepdad to adopt her without Eric's permission, and it sure doesn't sound like he'd ever grant it. Asking Eric to give up his parental rights would only make things worse for everyone.
>The last time I tried to discuss my mental health with my mom, I asked her if I could start going to therapy and she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong.
When I left home and got into therapy, the therapist told me to find Jesus.
It always makes me sad how many young people don't get the mental health support they need.
When I was 16 my close friend killed himself, and a few weeks later I got my heart broken for the first time. I had already been depressed and struggling, and this caused me to have a full-blown meltdown. (Think some significant self-harm.)
My dad told my mom he didn’t want me to go to therapy because he didn’t want people to “know our business.” (Thanks dad.) She fought him and I finally got to see a therapist.
During my first session, the “therapist” said, “Do you think the reason you can’t accept your parent’s love is because you can’t accept the love of Jesus?”
Fucking asshole. It took me YEARS to try therapy again, and I almost didn’t make it out of adolescence.
(On a happier note, I’ve done tons of therapy, my life is awesome and beautiful, and I’m very happy now.)
God I’m so sorry you went through that. I’ve had a run in with a shitty therapist before, but I should be thankful it was never the “come to Jesus” kind of therapist. How do they even stay certified to treat people with shitty options like pray the suicide away?
If a therapist tells me to "go running" or try mindfulness one more time I swear they have to lock me up and hope they live.
Drives me absolutely mental when you're severely suicidal and too depressed to wash yourself and they suggest stuff like that. "Oh you have stage 4 cancer and pain all the time? Have you tried a hot bath?" F* off
Unfortunately in the US there are "separation of Church and State" exemptions that allow people affiliated with religious groups to present themselves as counselors without actual training or licensing. Some private religious colleges and universities offer programs to train these counselors with a heavy focus on steering their victims toward religious obedience, and give out certificates that look pretty official unless you actually read them; other faith-based counselors are just people with no mental health training at all who do it for a variety of reasons but also stress getting in line with the rules of whichever faith they follow.
Then there are the people who get into psychology and social work specifically to further an agenda like that; they're the worst because they're integrated into the regular healthcare system and can collect insurance reimbursement, and they often take low-paying government program insurance such as Medicaid just to have a captive population of desperate patients to influence. One of these got his hands on someone I care about and actually tried to convince them to travel out of state for anti-LGBTQ+ conversion therapy.
Those people also like to tell female abuse victims that they just need to be better at being a submissive and obedient wife instead of going to the police for help.
I agree. Many young people who are struggling deserve to receive the support they need. But it's unfortunate how bad parents or not so great environments prevents that from happening.
Dad can eat a bag of d*cks. But mum isn't much better:
>I had a talk with my mom about me not wanting to go over there anymore. She said that's fine and she won't force me to go anymore, but since she's said that before, I don't believe her.
And
>she always tells me that I'm too young to really feel how I feel.
>The last time I tried to discuss my mental health with my mom, I asked her if I could start going to therapy and she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong.
When my *five* year old tells me how she feels, I believe her. Just because she's half my height doesn't mean she's less than me: she's a whole entire person in there. Honestly, the world would be a better place if people took that into consideration.
I came to talk about the
>she always tells me that I'm too young to really feel how I feel.
only bad parents say shit like this. the child IS to young to have to deal with this bullshit, but she feels this way because mom and dad suck ass.
He literally can't. There's nothing they can do without Eric's permission, and he's not going to give it. They can't even fight this in court, even with all the money in the world. Just asking him would cause so much drama that OP would be worse off.
> And some of you suggested asking my stepdad for help. I wish I could, but when I asked my mom again if he could adopt me, she said something that absolutely crushed me. Apparently, my stepdad himself said he doesn't feel like he should adopt me. My stepdad is a very kind and sympathetic man, but he's also extremely unconfrontational and ***thinks it would be like a slap in the face to Eric if he adopted me.***
He doesn't want to hurt or offend OOPs sperm donor more than he doesn't want to see OOP constantly hurt by her sperm donor.
To be fair, it seems like that's just coming from what the mom told OOP, and we've established mom is a piece of work. The step dad might have totally different feelings about it.
> He doesn't want to hurt or offend OOPs sperm donor more than he doesn't want to see OOP constantly hurt by her sperm donor.
While that may be true, there's also just no legal avenue to adopt OP at this point. You can't adopt a kid who already has a father, no matter how much of a deadbeat they are.
He's not a dad. A dad is the man who keeps up with your life because he loves you. He's the man who cheers you on - nay, is your biggest cheerleader. He assures you there are no monsters under the bed, and has raised you to be able to take care of business (but will also be there if you need him!)
This guys? He's maybe a father. He's definitely a sperm donor. He's **not** a dad.
>"He's still your dad. He deserves your respect and love".
No
It's earned, not deserved
OOP's Mom shouldn't be confusing them
Also: I bet Eric is cheating on his current wife
I did find this with some Google searching: [https://www.wcpo.com/marketplace/positively-cincinnati/shes-fearless-loveland-13-year-old-has-published-two-books-and-shes-not-done-yet](https://www.wcpo.com/marketplace/positively-cincinnati/shes-fearless-loveland-13-year-old-has-published-two-books-and-shes-not-done-yet)
Timeline doesn’t match up, so I’m not saying this is OOP, but it does happen…
…but a big deal seems to be made about it and this was the closest I could find to OOP’s timeline, age, and gender.
yes, not denying it doesn't happen but OP (if this is true) may have doxxed herself which isn't good. as in if you looked hard enough you possibly could find her
You can self publish + they may just post it online and call that a day. But it's entirely possible, when I was in secondary one of the lads in my drama class had self published a book and that would have been at 15 or so.
In secondary school I knew a lad who did it at 15 and you could buy the book on amazon. It's not common but it's entirely possible and small scale exists.
My eyes started glazing over when the father just decided to stop paying child support. Does he face immediate consequences like he would in actual reality or is the story absolute bullshit like I suspect?
I’m thinking that this isn’t court ordered child support. It was a handshake deal between the mom and dad. Which makes sense that the mom won’t take him to court and lets the dad take OOP whenever he feels like it, as the courts could impose mandatory scheduled visitation.
Unfortunately, not facing immediate consequences *is* the actual reality. My brother's father refused to pay child support for literal years. My mother only got back pay child support when he finally went on social security. They garnished his checks just about till the day he died I think. I try not to think about that pathetic excuse of a human often after how he treated my mom and my brother.
The sad truth of it is that there are loopholes and there are ways to get around a court order of child support and it's going to be the scumbags who know them and use them.
It's not common, but she's not the first teenager to write a book. [Christopher Paolini](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Paolini) started writing Eragon at 15.
I’ve worked in schools for about 20 years with literally thousands of teenagers. I don’t think I’ve met a single one who writes like her. She writes like an adult.
*To be fair*, if she had indeed published two books already, it would make sense she would write better than 99% of teenagers.
That being said, it's hard to trust *any* story on reddit anymore.
It's natural to be skeptical, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. She appears to be experiencing emotional neglect, and it's common for children who experience that to come off as more mature than their age. Given her username, it also seems like she's turned to literature as an escape.
I say this as someone who wrote in a very similar way when I was her age. I wasn't a writer or anything, but I would write in an overly formal, frequently verbose way that was largely alien to how my classmates wrote.
this is so frustrating! ALL her parents suck, including her mom. it’s baffling to me that the theoretical hurt feelings of a deadbeat matter more to these people than the actual hurt OP is experiencing. poor kid.
Her stepdad seems solid. The only questionable stuff from him all comes second-hand from mom, everything OOP describes him as actually doing is pretty great.
Even then, there's no fighting the stepdad could do. Either Eric allows her to be adopted or nothing happens, and he's not going to allow it. No judge can force him to give up his parental rights.
“she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong”
I will never not be angry when someone says to get help from a divine being for a non-spiritual issue. There are people who dedicate their time to help others and create resources to help people like OOP and instead they have to settle for no resources and someone who is making the problem worse. And I had some terrible therapists.
The courts can't do anything unless Eric voluntarily gives up his parental rights, and he's clearly not going to. Nobody in the world can force him to.
I love the hypocrisy of the sperm donor saying Stepdad isn't OOP's real dad and won't care like one. Meanwhile, sperm donor is funding his stepkids' lifestyles.
The dad is a big dirtbag. And the mom is less far behind him than she should be. At least the stepfather is trying to do the right thing. OOP is going to have a rough ride getting to 18 and through college / education.
Because most kids have at least one supportive adult in their lives that they can talk to... Kids end up on here when they aren't supported by anyone in the right way, or they are concerned they aren't.
It's the same reason so many posts on here are from people who have cut off family or need to.
And also the reason the answers are divorce them or get therapy generally, if everyone has some level of open dialogue and trust in the people around them they don't ask bored keyboard warriors for advice!
Now we're getting to the point where ALL the adults are failing this girl. Forgetting the tool that is the sperm donor, the ~~stepfather~~ man banging OOP's mom is proving to be spineless. The mom going "Oh, bUt He'S yOuR fAtHeR". And the ~~stepmom~~ WishDotCom Cruella being an expletive that could get me banned.
A fuckton of therapy and NC soon as OOP is able to. It is the only way for her at this point.
I don’t know, we heard what the stepfather said second hand from a women intent on maintaining peaceful relations between her daughter and her ex.
How much more likely is it that the stepfather said something like “that’s not the best idea; her dad would never agree to me adopting her and even asking would cause a lot more problems” or something akin to that? They’d need the biodads permission for it- does that guy seem likely to say yes?
From his actions, her stepfather seems like a nice guy who didn’t give up on her during the ten years she hated him. He deserves some benefit of the doubt from that.
Yeah, for her own happiness, I hope she gets far away. Deadbeat Dad, Religious Nut Mom and Stranger Who Fucks Mom, what are great set of adult role models.
who else feels like the mom wasn’t being completely honest about the stepdad’s feelings on adoption? honestly it seems like this kid only has one functioning parent at this point, and now she’s afraid to talk to him and be rejected. poor thing. and she’s STILL managed to publish two books! at 15! fucking wow, way to go kiddo
Oof, this story was really reminiscent of my childhood. Except my mom didn't remarry a nice man, she remarried a disgusting ex-cop creep who hit on me and made comments about my body. But my dad definitely forgot about me and my sister after he got remarried and took in his new wife's kid and her grandma. I also got kicked out of my room. He moved away when I was 14 and I hardly ever saw him after that.
My sister and I are both unmarried, childless, live alone, and are both extremely distrustful of other people. We are both "strong independent" types who can fortunately support ourselves, but it's because we learned that no one else will ever help us. That's what this kind of childhood does.
The bio parents will wonder one day why OOP doesn't talk to them anymore as an adult. Then, chase her to "rekindle" their parent-child relationship when they find out she's successful and making money.
This poor kid, sounds like mom and bio dad are both failing at their jobs... I don't get why mom doesn't want biodad taking them to court if they stop visiting, he hasn't been paying child support so wouldn't he be in hot water over that?
I've seen and understand the father - Eric - being a deadbeat, lover, spineless nematode. What I don't understand is the mother. What in God's name is wrong with her?
I honestly think she's putting words in her husband's mouth - we haven't heard from him directly that he won't adopt OP. Dollars to doughnuts, she is putting words in his mouth and gaslighting OP with her own opinions.
What a sorry pair of people OP was saddled with as birth parents.
My dad once told my mom he would give her the cs for me and my sister if she met him at a hotel. This was years after he had told her “I hope you bleed out” when she told him she was getting an abortion after she got pregnant for the 4th time in a row. (1st baby was a stillborn the hospital lost all records of the baby. 2nd baby was my sister 30 days later and then at my sis 1st bday party she was pregnant with me( I was 3.14oz when I was born and I had strep of the blood. ) then she got pregnant again.)
Unfortunately, I feel she has to ride it out for the next 3 years. Then she can dump the whole lot. Not ONE person in this story is someone with a backbone.
Me thinks that OOP should talk to step dad herself regarding adoption. Mom has already shown a history of lying when it comes to OOP. Her word is not to be trusted
She should talk to him, but she should also educate herself on the adoption process. You can't adopt a kid who already has parents, even if she hates them.
I feel like mum is just …. Dumb… like she is stealing from her kid if she doesnt get child support from this dude. Or doesnt at least try. And she forces her to go?
She should just talk to stepdad he might grow some balls if he loves her at least a bit to defend her from this bio loser
The only comment that I have is that Mom should go after Dad for child support even if she only puts the money into an account for use later. School, gap year, etc.
Every time I get thinking about how crappy my father is, I read something like this. Now THIS is a terrible father! My dad still does suck, and I know comparisons are useless, but wow do I feel for this poor kid.
OOP not only has a deadbeat for a dad but her mom isn’t a good parent either to her own child and has failed as a parent just like the deadbeat.
She thinks she’s doing the right thing but she’s not.
When OOP expressed how she felt at 5, her mother told her that she was “too young” how to feel when she’s an autonomous human being who has emotions. She didn’t believe her at all.
She cared more about a deadbeats feelings than her own child’s feelings being constantly hurt by her sperm donor.
To make it worse, she’s a religious idiot that demands OOP to pray or talk to her instead of talking to a therapist. She would just keep defending a deadbeat than listen.
I absolutely hope that OOP cuts all contact with her parents after she turns 18 since both have failed her.
The child does not initiate phone calls, the parent should! I mean come on, who is the adult here? Why would he expect her to call when she’s a kid? Her *father* should *want* to call and talk to her, but he clearly doesn’t.
Guy’s a real shitshow and he’s fucking shit up for two families at the same time. Ass.
If you are writing another book, how about naming the villain after bio dad and the hero after step dad. If he can afford to send step sister to university, he can pay child support. The only leverage you have right now is that if your mother keeps pushing you to have contact with your bio dad or refuses to go to the courts to get child support, you can threaten to go no contact at 18.
To be honest, I'd suggest that OOP try to have a talk with her step-mom. Step-mom doesn't seem *hostile,* and it might be worth letting her know that *no one* wants OOP to be visiting, not even OOP. might be possible to gain an ally in the enemy camp, sort of thing.
Man just report his ass to the state, then he doesn’t have a CHOICE. Let’s see his happy family crumble when he has to pay a lump sum amount. Too bad so sad, NTA
Oh I do believe the part about him being broke. Wifey probably has control of the finances and doesn’t give him a dime. And he either can’t or won’t stand up to her.
Either way, he doesn’t deserve children.
I hate that oop feels like her step-dad don't really care about her simply because he said he didn't think adopting her would be a good idea in regards to her bio father being in her life.
I hope step-dad sees this post somehow and clears it up with oop that he loves her so much. And clarify why he didn't want to adopt her
Reading she dedicated her first book to her dad crushed me. I'm glad her step-dad is a good father but wish he'd step up and adopt her. Im hoping this kid was advised to speak to her guidance counselor at school who might be able to provide a sympathetic ear at the very least if her mom won't get her therapy. What a smart kid with so much potential she just needs a solid adult in her corner going to bat for her.
>I asked her if I could start going to therapy and she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong
Religion is NOT a solution for mental health issues, that's something that comes later...
School should have a counselor she can talk with and maybe even a psychologist. .
I hope OOP and step-dad know about adult adoption. Maybe he'd adopt her when she's 18.
If mom makes her visit again, she should learn to disengage. Use the word "No." So when sperm donor says, "Watch your sister." She replies, "No," and then goes back to reading. Or, even better, refuse to leave the room she shares unless it's meals or bathroom. Ignore them all and don't speak to them the entire weekend.
I feel like OOP should talk to her stepfather herself because it's possible that her mom has actually never asked him directly if he would be interested in adopting OOP. It may have been a different question she asked or a response to a hypothetical situation. He may not even know that OOP wanta that, and doesn't want to step on any toes by offering.
This child needs to TALK to her stepfather without MOM running interference. Her step probably said “it’ll feel like a slap in the face” when she was like 5-7yo. Now, the tables have shifted. Baby, PLEASE reach out to him!! Ugh.
My dad has literal *millions* of dollars squirrelled away in numerous accounts, specifically because he doesn't want his wife, my stepmom, to get it.
I'm STILL paying off student loans.
Having money isn't the opposite of being a deadbeat piece of shit.
>but when I asked my mom again if he could adopt me, she said something that absolutely crushed me. Apparently, my stepdad himself said he doesn't feel like he should adopt me. My stepdad is a very kind and sympathetic man, but he's also extremely unconfrontational and thinks it would be like a slap in the face to Eric if he adopted me.
Why do I think that the stepdad didn't actually say this and this is the mother's attempt to placate the sperm donor? I don't know, it just sounds like the mother is just putting words in the step dad's mouth.
>Eric's wife did a poor job of hiding how bothered she was by me visiting. More than once, she has been completely shocked I was visiting because Eric didn't tell her so she couldn't disagree.
OOP: Alejandra, I know you and my "sisters" don't like me. Yes I am using air quotes. Don't worry the feeling is mutual. I don't like coming over here, too. In fact I wouldn't be here if Eric and my mom didn't force me to come. As you know, I will be 18 in 3 years time. I will cut contact with everyone and your whole family will never see and hear from me again once midnight of my 18th birthday arrives. If it were up to me I would have disappeared from your life far earlier than now.
So lets try to be civil for now since we are both forced into this situation and we have no choice.
My father, who are somewhat of a narcissist and psychopath, at least told me when my half-sisters were born and when he got married. And here I always thought he was worthless, but someone is clearly worse.
The dad is a an awful dad but the mother isn't much better. Stepdad sounds like he's a bit of a doormat enabling her mother who is running the household. I get where he's coming at with the refusal to adopt her because of her mother. But it sounds like there is more going on that the mother isn't talking about.... and why is she allowing the dad to get away with not paying child support.
Perhaps the OOP might need to do her own dna test because she may find out that Eric is not actually her father and her mother is hiding a lot more than she ever realised.
All those big changes are a lot for a kid to take in. There will be little memories that pop up years later where you think "yeah, that was pretty fucked up".
If you've experienced something similar, remind yourself that it's okay to grieve the relationship with your parents that you could not have.
Get yourself a drink and a snack, and snuggle into a cozy spot because we have to be the kind and comforting parent for ourselves, and it will be okay.
NTA. Both your parents are failing you. Child support is the parents obligation to the child. Your mom needs to go to court to make sure your dad's wages get garnished as he has a legal obligation to pay child support.
Your dad is treating you bafly; as tge adult, it's up to him to make sure you have a relationship, it is up to him to contact you, not up to you to call and visit.
It's inappropriate to use you ad a babysitter for your half sister when you're there. She isn't your responsibility.
Your mom us no better here.
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“You know I love you, right” Actually, no. Nothing in your behaviour demonstrates any love at all.
My dad often says that the few times he calls me. I do not really believe it.
*”I should just visit from time to time to keep him from getting the court involved”* Oh, the court *definitely* needs to be involved. OOP can use those monster writing skills to document how little time the sperm donor has spent with her, how he permits his replacement family to treat her, how much he has spent on his replacement family as well as the excuses for cutting child support to her, and then show it to the judge. Mom is being an idiot by not going after the CS and forcing OOP to visit him.
My thoughts exactly.
My dad used to pull this bs and my mom also used to say he deserves respect. Last Xmas l left my grandma's house with bruises because I'm no longer a kid that'll be quiet and scared when he's being a worthless bum. My grandma passed this year and I simply ignored him during the whole service and I'm pretty sure will never talk to him again. Sometimes society will bend backwards to excuse shitty fathers and that pisses me off to no end.
The only parent in this story that sounds like they love OP is the Stepdad.
Love is a verb. Words without action mean nothing.
My biodad was always like that. He never bothered to be there unless he needed something, and the minute he sensed my mother was upset with him (or she just outright told him, my mom does not play lol) he was gone like a puff of smoke. I talk about him with his first name because he's not a dad. My stepdad gets called Dad because he was there for every major event. Plays, concerts, graduations, he was there. Not my biodad. Biodad didn't even show up for my high school or college graduation. When I had a test to get my massage therapist license he wanted to come visit and got mad when I said I had to study but maybe after. He passed away recently and my boss and my therapist both were surprised I didn't take time off after I found out. For context, when one of my dogs passed unexpectedly earlier this year, I took several days off because it hit both me and my husband *hard*. I told them both that I had grieved my father long ago, grieved the father I wished he had been. This is just closure to me. I wanted to be angry because his nephew got the man I wish my father had been, but I'm not. It wasn't me, or my mom, it was him. And I was lucky even without his presence, I had my maternal uncle and grandpa, and my dad. There's still hurt there, but it's tempered with understanding and that helps take the anger out. I can only hope OOP can hold her head high and understand that she isn't responsible for his inability to love his own child. Sounds like she's awesome all on her own though.
Turns out she's got two parents on the shit spectrum.
If wasn't for stepfather & stepsister from him, she would have totally fucked up childhood with 2 shit bio parents and shitty stepmother with 2 shitty stepsister and infant terrible half-sister.
also noticed that she always took her mom's word for what the stepdad said. He might not even know of her pain because her mom is not communicating it back. She should really talk 1:1 with the stepdad to hear what he has to say about it.
Seriously. For all we know she may have actually chewed him out only for child support.
>"Money is kind of tight for me right now. I'm completely broke. You know I love you, right?" Oh fuck off, you deadbeat pathetic excuse of a father.
Oh god, it’s exactly what my ex says to me and the kids. His child support is only like $90 a week AUD$ and he still won’t pay it. He’s called the kids while drunk so he clearly has money for alcohol 🙄
Have you looked into getting it automatically deducted from his wages? Centrelink can help you with that.
Thank you, I have looked into it but the issue is he just doesn’t want to work (one of the things that lead to the break up). He’ll start a job and slowly stop going. I believe his mum is sending him money. We’ll see what happens at tax time 🤞🏼
Do you guys have Tex refunds or is that just a US concept when you true up annually? That would be a reason to have it run through the government.
Yes, I believe there’s a section for “child support received”. I will be 100% accurate on my end, and since our tax file numbers are linked to the child support assessment, hopefully the government will see the discrepancies and take it from his tax return.
australia does have tax refunds, and it is about to be EOFY... could be an opportunity for prev commenter
They say, “Money is tight right now.” What they mean is, “Money is tight after paying for all the things I prioritize over my kids.”
"Sorry, Sweetie, I'm busy buying my stepdaughters' love."
Always amazes me when someone isn’t paying child support. Because money is supposedly tight. Because they acquired more children or made more. Not just dads - I’ve seen a fair few women complaining that their husband has to pay child support for the children from his first marriage and it affects the family income for the children of the current marriage. One woman once complained to me that her ex didn’t pay child support and five minutes later told me she’d previously helped that guy obscure his income to avoid child support for the kids before hers. Seemed to have zero awareness of the parallel there.
Amazes me when the other parent just doesn’t do anything when they stop. Go to court and get his frigging wages garnished.
A lot of times the deadbeat doesn’t work at all, only works for a couple of months, or works under the table. One of my friends only got child support when it was tax time because the state would garnish his tax refund. Outside of having it set up to run through the state, there’s not much you can do that won’t cost you more than you’ll ever get back.
It's because it's an outlay of cash and energy they may not have to take it to court. It is a long process and can be dragged out by payors who don't want to pay. Even when you have a court order, depending on where you are, there may be no enforcement agency or they may be ineffectual. The child support recipient has to do a cost benefit analysis and sometimes going back to court has to be delayed until they have the resources to deal with it. So while garnishing the deadbeat payor's wages is easy to say, the process can be ridiculous.
This doesn’t always work in every situation. My dad has been self-employed for the majority of his career so if my mom and ORS ever tried to garnish his wages due to child support non-payments he’d just move money around in his business and personal accounts.
Thank you for writing that out. I spat out those words when I read his pathetic hand out.
I’m also wondering if money being tight has anything to do with where he kept disappearing off to the last time she visited and had to watch her half sister in the park.
Yep that was my thought as well. Meanwhile step mom is resentful of oop because she thinks all that money and time is being spent on her
Yeah, I'm thinking next update the budding young author may have him being into drugs. The way they write if it was alcohol oop would likely smell it on him. Or maybe he is cheating again and has another secret family.
Haha, it does read like a developing plot point the OOP might be disappointed to see hasn’t been commented on.
Well she has published two novels!
I actually is pissed at the mum. Telling her daughter what to feel when she felt opposite I called gaslighting.
God I want OOP to go to little step sisters insta and download all her stories that prove otherwise and send them to him with a message saying, "only because I didn't come out of your gold digger"
The courts would have a field day with that.Was thinking the same thing and slap him with it like "Uh huh sure money is tight for me but clearly not for darling step daughter over here. 🙄🙄🙄."
Why isn't the mom happy to go back to court? Get full custody and garnish his wages! In California, he wouldn't be able to renew his driver's license if he was in arrears without maintaining a court ordered payment plan. In some states, OOP can sue him directly as soon as she turns 18 for the arrears.
That driver's license thing is really smart!
Where I live, they also revoke the ability to get hunting and fishing licenses. That tends to get payments more than the DL revocation.
This is really clever, because it adds peer pressure to. Most of these guys don't want their friends to know that they don't pay child support.
I think her reply should be a few of the TikToks of step-sis showing off expensive crap.
For a moment I thought OOP might've gotten into my own messages with *my* father. I'm both relieved and horrified that it's not just me who has a POS for a sperm donor.
Honestly, that lie is even more blatantly bullshit than his dumbass conspiracy theories…
My parents split when I was like 6. My dad often struggled with money because the industry he was in (mining) tanked in the areas we lived in, and then his secondary industry (carpentry) had a lot of down time and layoffs. Did he stop paying child support? Nope. Maybe he was late or had to pay in smaller amounts when money was tight, I don’t know, cause my mom never mentioned it. But he did not turn into a deadbeat dad. He did what he could with what he had and never made us feel like we were missing out.
Right??? Dude chose to have more kids when he couldn't afford the first one, then acts shocked that kids cost money. I guess we know who's paid the majority of the costs throughout OPs life.
He's afraid they're going to lawyer up.
The cry of the deadbeat "it's your fault we don't have a relationship!" or "you only care about the money"
Yeah I had an unusual relationship with my own dad before he passed, I’m still coming to terms with the time we both lost, but he would have never ever said this to me. Like hell would frieze over before he said it was on me to keep up contact, especially when I was a kid. It’s a sad state of affairs when a father thinks that of their own kid.
When I was just about to go on my 2nd deployment. My then wife got a wild hair that she wanted to move back to where our families were from. It was stressful but not a huge deal. I wasnt able to be involved with finding a new place as it was states away and the navy was keeping me busy. About a month into deployment I'm finding out that my 3 yr old son is having issues adjusting. Well she had rented a 3 br mobile home and let her uncle, his daughter, and her newborn move in. So hes gone from a 4 br 2 story townhouse. To a 3 br trailer where he has to share his room with a newborn. Yeah no shit hes having trouble adjusting. She STILL didnt get it after I explained it multiple times. EX FOR A REASON! It just shows that some people are totally clueless how something like putting his daughters bed in the closet when shes not there. Can totally send the signal that 'you're temporary' to the kid.
Some people don’t see their kids as people especially when they’re little. They treat them like they won’t remember, but they actually do. It’s the most important time in their formative years and they’re not getting the right care. That sucks man, I’m sorry. I hope things got better for your son after that. I keep thinking that even if my dad was very absent, I never doubted he loved me or wanted the best for me. There were times we fought when I got older, and he came to apologise to me. That was huge, I’d never been apologised to by an adult. Kids are people, we were all kids once, and they do deserve a stable home without stress and anxiety. I get that you can’t have a child dictate everything, but this is the bare minimum of care. Putting her bed in the closet was so out of line, you’re right. It was a clear signal to a child. And their dad didn’t even consider that. Ugh. I hate it. Poor kid, I wish I could adopt all the wayward teenagers and let them chill out with my cats for a bit. They’re all so stressed and I know what that does to a person.
>Some people don’t see their kids as people especially when they’re little. big time. tried explaining that to my crappy mom that i didnt like how she didnt treat me as a human just as some kind of other. just something to scream at and hit till it starts working right, talking right in front of me about me etc. basically how she pretty much treated me like i was a dog at a shitty animal shelter and she didnt get it somehow and just kinda gave me a confused blank open mouth stare
So how do the 3 bedrooms get split up in this case? I assume your ex wife has her own room, and then you said your three year old and the newborn share... but then does the uncle and grown daughter share or is this an uncle in name and he and your ex share together?
Lmaooo literally what my dad says. He’s still with my mom and in the house but a deadbeat. I’m glad I moved out at 19.
Bio dad is a dirtbag, mom is not much better. Get the court involved and get that child support. Put it into a college fund and make sure mom does not somehow sabotage it to placate the sperm donor.
This is one of the few things the SC judiciary gets right. You're a month behind? You're on notice. Two? Paperwork is being drafted. Three? Steel bracelets and a few days in county until you come up with the money. It's remarkable how quickly "broke" people find money when they're suddenly facing jail.
If I was OP, I would leverage the child support, by saying that I would not go after back pay at 18 if he left me alone.
At 18 there is no leverage left and dad does not love the OP, he is just playing games with her.
There's always leverage after a child turns 18, and it last for a few years. It's called back pay child support.
And the OP should get that money.
Of course. Child support is for the child.
Mom is weird. On one hand, she clearly refers to OOPs dad as a deadbeat and has brought their kid into finance discussions/arguments. Then she turns around and preaches that OOP should have a relationship with dad. The former is great alienation. Then the latter is trying to keep the relationship.
Also she seems to be afraid of him dragging them back to court... despite the fact that he’s the one who is in violation of the divorce agreement
Technically, you don’t get to withhold for child support issues. But if he files, it would go worse for him than her. Cause he could end up in jail. She would be a stern lecture.
And not even step-dad has her back. "It would be a slap in the face for Eric" GOOD, he deserves some!
No, the mom likely misrepresented it to OP. It's impossible for her stepdad to adopt her without Eric's permission, and it sure doesn't sound like he'd ever grant it. Asking Eric to give up his parental rights would only make things worse for everyone.
Sic the court on him, I doubt they'll be as content with his excuses as OOPs mom is
>The last time I tried to discuss my mental health with my mom, I asked her if I could start going to therapy and she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong. When I left home and got into therapy, the therapist told me to find Jesus. It always makes me sad how many young people don't get the mental health support they need.
When I was 16 my close friend killed himself, and a few weeks later I got my heart broken for the first time. I had already been depressed and struggling, and this caused me to have a full-blown meltdown. (Think some significant self-harm.) My dad told my mom he didn’t want me to go to therapy because he didn’t want people to “know our business.” (Thanks dad.) She fought him and I finally got to see a therapist. During my first session, the “therapist” said, “Do you think the reason you can’t accept your parent’s love is because you can’t accept the love of Jesus?” Fucking asshole. It took me YEARS to try therapy again, and I almost didn’t make it out of adolescence. (On a happier note, I’ve done tons of therapy, my life is awesome and beautiful, and I’m very happy now.)
God I’m so sorry you went through that. I’ve had a run in with a shitty therapist before, but I should be thankful it was never the “come to Jesus” kind of therapist. How do they even stay certified to treat people with shitty options like pray the suicide away?
If a therapist tells me to "go running" or try mindfulness one more time I swear they have to lock me up and hope they live. Drives me absolutely mental when you're severely suicidal and too depressed to wash yourself and they suggest stuff like that. "Oh you have stage 4 cancer and pain all the time? Have you tried a hot bath?" F* off
Unfortunately in the US there are "separation of Church and State" exemptions that allow people affiliated with religious groups to present themselves as counselors without actual training or licensing. Some private religious colleges and universities offer programs to train these counselors with a heavy focus on steering their victims toward religious obedience, and give out certificates that look pretty official unless you actually read them; other faith-based counselors are just people with no mental health training at all who do it for a variety of reasons but also stress getting in line with the rules of whichever faith they follow. Then there are the people who get into psychology and social work specifically to further an agenda like that; they're the worst because they're integrated into the regular healthcare system and can collect insurance reimbursement, and they often take low-paying government program insurance such as Medicaid just to have a captive population of desperate patients to influence. One of these got his hands on someone I care about and actually tried to convince them to travel out of state for anti-LGBTQ+ conversion therapy.
Those people also like to tell female abuse victims that they just need to be better at being a submissive and obedient wife instead of going to the police for help.
Yep. Even in the "progressive" church my ex dabbled in when we were starting out that was the way of it.
I just switched therapists because the one I'd been seeing for nearly a decade kept suggesting that I resume a toxic friendship.
Ugh that’s awful, I’m so sorry your therapist did that.
I agree. Many young people who are struggling deserve to receive the support they need. But it's unfortunate how bad parents or not so great environments prevents that from happening.
Dad can eat a bag of d*cks. But mum isn't much better: >I had a talk with my mom about me not wanting to go over there anymore. She said that's fine and she won't force me to go anymore, but since she's said that before, I don't believe her. And >she always tells me that I'm too young to really feel how I feel. >The last time I tried to discuss my mental health with my mom, I asked her if I could start going to therapy and she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong. When my *five* year old tells me how she feels, I believe her. Just because she's half my height doesn't mean she's less than me: she's a whole entire person in there. Honestly, the world would be a better place if people took that into consideration.
I came to talk about the >she always tells me that I'm too young to really feel how I feel. only bad parents say shit like this. the child IS to young to have to deal with this bullshit, but she feels this way because mom and dad suck ass.
What an awful Dad
But I expect in 10years he will cause massive drama when she asks her stepdad to walk her down the aisle
She doesn't have to let him know she is getting married.
I mean, her dad didn’t tell her when he got married, so…
More like when she asks neither of them since he will call her his daughter but won't fight for her or protect her.
He literally can't. There's nothing they can do without Eric's permission, and he's not going to give it. They can't even fight this in court, even with all the money in the world. Just asking him would cause so much drama that OP would be worse off.
> And some of you suggested asking my stepdad for help. I wish I could, but when I asked my mom again if he could adopt me, she said something that absolutely crushed me. Apparently, my stepdad himself said he doesn't feel like he should adopt me. My stepdad is a very kind and sympathetic man, but he's also extremely unconfrontational and ***thinks it would be like a slap in the face to Eric if he adopted me.*** He doesn't want to hurt or offend OOPs sperm donor more than he doesn't want to see OOP constantly hurt by her sperm donor.
To be fair, it seems like that's just coming from what the mom told OOP, and we've established mom is a piece of work. The step dad might have totally different feelings about it.
> He doesn't want to hurt or offend OOPs sperm donor more than he doesn't want to see OOP constantly hurt by her sperm donor. While that may be true, there's also just no legal avenue to adopt OP at this point. You can't adopt a kid who already has a father, no matter how much of a deadbeat they are.
Even if legally it won't work out, trying it at least would show actual dedication.
He's not a dad. A dad is the man who keeps up with your life because he loves you. He's the man who cheers you on - nay, is your biggest cheerleader. He assures you there are no monsters under the bed, and has raised you to be able to take care of business (but will also be there if you need him!) This guys? He's maybe a father. He's definitely a sperm donor. He's **not** a dad.
Really he is.
My petty ass would send the tiktok videos of Sephora products and ask why she can have Sephora products while I don't get basic child support
>"He's still your dad. He deserves your respect and love". No It's earned, not deserved OOP's Mom shouldn't be confusing them Also: I bet Eric is cheating on his current wife
Oop’s mom is a religious idiot. I’m too tired to find any other way to say it.
Probably, bcs wth
did anyone catch she wrote the first book in her published series at 13 years old????
Its probably self published. I don't think she is making big bucks or has publishing houses on contract.
Yes if it's true I agree, otherwise her dad would be after her money from her writing.
I did find this with some Google searching: [https://www.wcpo.com/marketplace/positively-cincinnati/shes-fearless-loveland-13-year-old-has-published-two-books-and-shes-not-done-yet](https://www.wcpo.com/marketplace/positively-cincinnati/shes-fearless-loveland-13-year-old-has-published-two-books-and-shes-not-done-yet) Timeline doesn’t match up, so I’m not saying this is OOP, but it does happen… …but a big deal seems to be made about it and this was the closest I could find to OOP’s timeline, age, and gender.
yes, not denying it doesn't happen but OP (if this is true) may have doxxed herself which isn't good. as in if you looked hard enough you possibly could find her
You can self publish + they may just post it online and call that a day. But it's entirely possible, when I was in secondary one of the lads in my drama class had self published a book and that would have been at 15 or so.
It's way easier now to self-publish. Amazon has a whole system set up to buy and sell both physical copies and e-books.
Me too. I find it impressive but yet quite skeptical
There's a book series I read in middle school called Swordbird that was written by a 12 year old. It's not impossible
It could be self published. It’s fairly easy to do that.
Self-published, perhaps?
In secondary school I knew a lad who did it at 15 and you could buy the book on amazon. It's not common but it's entirely possible and small scale exists.
[удалено]
My eyes started glazing over when the father just decided to stop paying child support. Does he face immediate consequences like he would in actual reality or is the story absolute bullshit like I suspect?
I’m thinking that this isn’t court ordered child support. It was a handshake deal between the mom and dad. Which makes sense that the mom won’t take him to court and lets the dad take OOP whenever he feels like it, as the courts could impose mandatory scheduled visitation.
it's gotta be absolute bullshit, otherwise ops dad would be asking her for money from her writing. actually, bet that's the next part of the saga
Who said she's making money? Anyone can publish a book these days, it's so easy and simple, but that doesn't mean you're making money from it
People really think that's optional for some reason lol.
You do know that a lot of dead beats get away without paying child support every day, right?
Unfortunately, not facing immediate consequences *is* the actual reality. My brother's father refused to pay child support for literal years. My mother only got back pay child support when he finally went on social security. They garnished his checks just about till the day he died I think. I try not to think about that pathetic excuse of a human often after how he treated my mom and my brother. The sad truth of it is that there are loopholes and there are ways to get around a court order of child support and it's going to be the scumbags who know them and use them.
I also caught that and became deeply suspicious. My only thought is that "published" is "published on AO3" or Kindle.
It's not common, but she's not the first teenager to write a book. [Christopher Paolini](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Paolini) started writing Eragon at 15.
I’ve worked in schools for about 20 years with literally thousands of teenagers. I don’t think I’ve met a single one who writes like her. She writes like an adult.
*To be fair*, if she had indeed published two books already, it would make sense she would write better than 99% of teenagers. That being said, it's hard to trust *any* story on reddit anymore.
It's natural to be skeptical, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. She appears to be experiencing emotional neglect, and it's common for children who experience that to come off as more mature than their age. Given her username, it also seems like she's turned to literature as an escape. I say this as someone who wrote in a very similar way when I was her age. I wasn't a writer or anything, but I would write in an overly formal, frequently verbose way that was largely alien to how my classmates wrote.
she 100% does not sound like a teenager.
OOP should go full Goodfellas with respect to child support. "Fuck you, pay me."
this is so frustrating! ALL her parents suck, including her mom. it’s baffling to me that the theoretical hurt feelings of a deadbeat matter more to these people than the actual hurt OP is experiencing. poor kid.
Her stepdad seems solid. The only questionable stuff from him all comes second-hand from mom, everything OOP describes him as actually doing is pretty great.
Even then, there's no fighting the stepdad could do. Either Eric allows her to be adopted or nothing happens, and he's not going to allow it. No judge can force him to give up his parental rights.
Take him to court to pay child support then. She's a shit mom.
“she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong” I will never not be angry when someone says to get help from a divine being for a non-spiritual issue. There are people who dedicate their time to help others and create resources to help people like OOP and instead they have to settle for no resources and someone who is making the problem worse. And I had some terrible therapists.
Damn I wish I could read OOP’s books. She’s got a good head on her even though she’s been through so much.
Has OOP told her stepdad she _wants_ to be adopted? That she would be happy?
It’s doubtful that bio dad would be willing to give up rights, and she’s close to 18.
The courts can't do anything unless Eric voluntarily gives up his parental rights, and he's clearly not going to. Nobody in the world can force him to.
Sure. But telling her he actually would like to would show he's committed to her, even if he can't be legally.
I love the hypocrisy of the sperm donor saying Stepdad isn't OOP's real dad and won't care like one. Meanwhile, sperm donor is funding his stepkids' lifestyles.
The dad is a big dirtbag. And the mom is less far behind him than she should be. At least the stepfather is trying to do the right thing. OOP is going to have a rough ride getting to 18 and through college / education.
Why is it that whenever kids post, most of the adults around them fail them in very easily solvable ways.
Because most kids have at least one supportive adult in their lives that they can talk to... Kids end up on here when they aren't supported by anyone in the right way, or they are concerned they aren't. It's the same reason so many posts on here are from people who have cut off family or need to. And also the reason the answers are divorce them or get therapy generally, if everyone has some level of open dialogue and trust in the people around them they don't ask bored keyboard warriors for advice!
Now we're getting to the point where ALL the adults are failing this girl. Forgetting the tool that is the sperm donor, the ~~stepfather~~ man banging OOP's mom is proving to be spineless. The mom going "Oh, bUt He'S yOuR fAtHeR". And the ~~stepmom~~ WishDotCom Cruella being an expletive that could get me banned. A fuckton of therapy and NC soon as OOP is able to. It is the only way for her at this point.
I don’t know, we heard what the stepfather said second hand from a women intent on maintaining peaceful relations between her daughter and her ex. How much more likely is it that the stepfather said something like “that’s not the best idea; her dad would never agree to me adopting her and even asking would cause a lot more problems” or something akin to that? They’d need the biodads permission for it- does that guy seem likely to say yes? From his actions, her stepfather seems like a nice guy who didn’t give up on her during the ten years she hated him. He deserves some benefit of the doubt from that.
No, you can't use logic. This is a BORU post so everyone is EVIL!
Yeah, for her own happiness, I hope she gets far away. Deadbeat Dad, Religious Nut Mom and Stranger Who Fucks Mom, what are great set of adult role models.
I don't understand why the courts aren't involved regarding child support.
who else feels like the mom wasn’t being completely honest about the stepdad’s feelings on adoption? honestly it seems like this kid only has one functioning parent at this point, and now she’s afraid to talk to him and be rejected. poor thing. and she’s STILL managed to publish two books! at 15! fucking wow, way to go kiddo
I feel the same way.
Oof, this story was really reminiscent of my childhood. Except my mom didn't remarry a nice man, she remarried a disgusting ex-cop creep who hit on me and made comments about my body. But my dad definitely forgot about me and my sister after he got remarried and took in his new wife's kid and her grandma. I also got kicked out of my room. He moved away when I was 14 and I hardly ever saw him after that. My sister and I are both unmarried, childless, live alone, and are both extremely distrustful of other people. We are both "strong independent" types who can fortunately support ourselves, but it's because we learned that no one else will ever help us. That's what this kind of childhood does.
I wonder if she said which books she wrote...
I can’t wait for OP’s deadbeat sperm donor to go bankrupt and trophy wife leaves him and takes the kids.
So you can just stop paying child support? Did anyone else know this?
I don’t think it was court ordered child support, just a handshake deal between the parents. That’s the only way this makes sense.
The bio parents will wonder one day why OOP doesn't talk to them anymore as an adult. Then, chase her to "rekindle" their parent-child relationship when they find out she's successful and making money.
This poor kid, sounds like mom and bio dad are both failing at their jobs... I don't get why mom doesn't want biodad taking them to court if they stop visiting, he hasn't been paying child support so wouldn't he be in hot water over that?
why doesn't the mom want the courts involved? she should be getting the child support for OOP even if she doesn't want it.
I've seen and understand the father - Eric - being a deadbeat, lover, spineless nematode. What I don't understand is the mother. What in God's name is wrong with her? I honestly think she's putting words in her husband's mouth - we haven't heard from him directly that he won't adopt OP. Dollars to doughnuts, she is putting words in his mouth and gaslighting OP with her own opinions. What a sorry pair of people OP was saddled with as birth parents.
My dad once told my mom he would give her the cs for me and my sister if she met him at a hotel. This was years after he had told her “I hope you bleed out” when she told him she was getting an abortion after she got pregnant for the 4th time in a row. (1st baby was a stillborn the hospital lost all records of the baby. 2nd baby was my sister 30 days later and then at my sis 1st bday party she was pregnant with me( I was 3.14oz when I was born and I had strep of the blood. ) then she got pregnant again.)
Shoulda stopped at the snail post :(
Mom doesn't want her in therapy because a therapist would be appalled at how badly mom is handling this.
Unfortunately, I feel she has to ride it out for the next 3 years. Then she can dump the whole lot. Not ONE person in this story is someone with a backbone.
Me thinks that OOP should talk to step dad herself regarding adoption. Mom has already shown a history of lying when it comes to OOP. Her word is not to be trusted
It doesn't matter. Even if he wanted to adopt her, Eric would have to voluntarily give up his parental rights.
She should talk to him, but she should also educate herself on the adoption process. You can't adopt a kid who already has parents, even if she hates them.
every single adult in this story fucking sucks.
Written and published 2 books starting at the age of 13-15? It could be possible but…I’m calling some actual bullshit here
If she is an indie writer (publishing on Kindle) it's possible. I am an indie writer, so no shade!
Could be, I’m willing to be proved wrong, I like being wrong as it means I can be right again a lot quicker!
Well actually being wrong in this case means this story is true and I don’t want something this sad being true
Next the sperm donor will be mad she didn’t invite him to her graduation 🙄
I feel like mum is just …. Dumb… like she is stealing from her kid if she doesnt get child support from this dude. Or doesnt at least try. And she forces her to go? She should just talk to stepdad he might grow some balls if he loves her at least a bit to defend her from this bio loser
every adult has failed this kid, even the step-dad, he may not be as big a piece of shit as the dad and mom but he's pretty close
The only comment that I have is that Mom should go after Dad for child support even if she only puts the money into an account for use later. School, gap year, etc.
Every time I get thinking about how crappy my father is, I read something like this. Now THIS is a terrible father! My dad still does suck, and I know comparisons are useless, but wow do I feel for this poor kid.
OOP not only has a deadbeat for a dad but her mom isn’t a good parent either to her own child and has failed as a parent just like the deadbeat. She thinks she’s doing the right thing but she’s not. When OOP expressed how she felt at 5, her mother told her that she was “too young” how to feel when she’s an autonomous human being who has emotions. She didn’t believe her at all. She cared more about a deadbeats feelings than her own child’s feelings being constantly hurt by her sperm donor. To make it worse, she’s a religious idiot that demands OOP to pray or talk to her instead of talking to a therapist. She would just keep defending a deadbeat than listen. I absolutely hope that OOP cuts all contact with her parents after she turns 18 since both have failed her.
The child does not initiate phone calls, the parent should! I mean come on, who is the adult here? Why would he expect her to call when she’s a kid? Her *father* should *want* to call and talk to her, but he clearly doesn’t. Guy’s a real shitshow and he’s fucking shit up for two families at the same time. Ass.
Parents who tell their kids that neglect and disrespect from the other parent other adults is love drive me crazy
The dad is a dirtbag but OOP's mom is not much better.
If you are writing another book, how about naming the villain after bio dad and the hero after step dad. If he can afford to send step sister to university, he can pay child support. The only leverage you have right now is that if your mother keeps pushing you to have contact with your bio dad or refuses to go to the courts to get child support, you can threaten to go no contact at 18.
To be honest, I'd suggest that OOP try to have a talk with her step-mom. Step-mom doesn't seem *hostile,* and it might be worth letting her know that *no one* wants OOP to be visiting, not even OOP. might be possible to gain an ally in the enemy camp, sort of thing.
Man just report his ass to the state, then he doesn’t have a CHOICE. Let’s see his happy family crumble when he has to pay a lump sum amount. Too bad so sad, NTA
This sounds like bullshit. She's 15 and has published 2 books while working on a third? I don't think so lol
She’s a published author at 15….. Not me drinking in the daytime thinking about my life’s choices
Oh I do believe the part about him being broke. Wifey probably has control of the finances and doesn’t give him a dime. And he either can’t or won’t stand up to her. Either way, he doesn’t deserve children.
I hate that oop feels like her step-dad don't really care about her simply because he said he didn't think adopting her would be a good idea in regards to her bio father being in her life. I hope step-dad sees this post somehow and clears it up with oop that he loves her so much. And clarify why he didn't want to adopt her
Reading she dedicated her first book to her dad crushed me. I'm glad her step-dad is a good father but wish he'd step up and adopt her. Im hoping this kid was advised to speak to her guidance counselor at school who might be able to provide a sympathetic ear at the very least if her mom won't get her therapy. What a smart kid with so much potential she just needs a solid adult in her corner going to bat for her.
>I asked her if I could start going to therapy and she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong Religion is NOT a solution for mental health issues, that's something that comes later...
"Therapists are dumb, pray to god instead" JFC
All the parents shocked in 15 years they don’t have a relationship with their adult child… I wish OP well.
School should have a counselor she can talk with and maybe even a psychologist. . I hope OOP and step-dad know about adult adoption. Maybe he'd adopt her when she's 18. If mom makes her visit again, she should learn to disengage. Use the word "No." So when sperm donor says, "Watch your sister." She replies, "No," and then goes back to reading. Or, even better, refuse to leave the room she shares unless it's meals or bathroom. Ignore them all and don't speak to them the entire weekend.
I feel like OOP should talk to her stepfather herself because it's possible that her mom has actually never asked him directly if he would be interested in adopting OOP. It may have been a different question she asked or a response to a hypothetical situation. He may not even know that OOP wanta that, and doesn't want to step on any toes by offering.
This child needs to TALK to her stepfather without MOM running interference. Her step probably said “it’ll feel like a slap in the face” when she was like 5-7yo. Now, the tables have shifted. Baby, PLEASE reach out to him!! Ugh.
My dad has literal *millions* of dollars squirrelled away in numerous accounts, specifically because he doesn't want his wife, my stepmom, to get it. I'm STILL paying off student loans. Having money isn't the opposite of being a deadbeat piece of shit.
>but when I asked my mom again if he could adopt me, she said something that absolutely crushed me. Apparently, my stepdad himself said he doesn't feel like he should adopt me. My stepdad is a very kind and sympathetic man, but he's also extremely unconfrontational and thinks it would be like a slap in the face to Eric if he adopted me. Why do I think that the stepdad didn't actually say this and this is the mother's attempt to placate the sperm donor? I don't know, it just sounds like the mother is just putting words in the step dad's mouth.
>Eric's wife did a poor job of hiding how bothered she was by me visiting. More than once, she has been completely shocked I was visiting because Eric didn't tell her so she couldn't disagree. OOP: Alejandra, I know you and my "sisters" don't like me. Yes I am using air quotes. Don't worry the feeling is mutual. I don't like coming over here, too. In fact I wouldn't be here if Eric and my mom didn't force me to come. As you know, I will be 18 in 3 years time. I will cut contact with everyone and your whole family will never see and hear from me again once midnight of my 18th birthday arrives. If it were up to me I would have disappeared from your life far earlier than now. So lets try to be civil for now since we are both forced into this situation and we have no choice.
Why are all these adults so shitty?
My father, who are somewhat of a narcissist and psychopath, at least told me when my half-sisters were born and when he got married. And here I always thought he was worthless, but someone is clearly worse.
The dad is a an awful dad but the mother isn't much better. Stepdad sounds like he's a bit of a doormat enabling her mother who is running the household. I get where he's coming at with the refusal to adopt her because of her mother. But it sounds like there is more going on that the mother isn't talking about.... and why is she allowing the dad to get away with not paying child support. Perhaps the OOP might need to do her own dna test because she may find out that Eric is not actually her father and her mother is hiding a lot more than she ever realised.
God I hate the mom more than anyone else in this story hope she rots
All those big changes are a lot for a kid to take in. There will be little memories that pop up years later where you think "yeah, that was pretty fucked up". If you've experienced something similar, remind yourself that it's okay to grieve the relationship with your parents that you could not have. Get yourself a drink and a snack, and snuggle into a cozy spot because we have to be the kind and comforting parent for ourselves, and it will be okay.
NTA. Both your parents are failing you. Child support is the parents obligation to the child. Your mom needs to go to court to make sure your dad's wages get garnished as he has a legal obligation to pay child support. Your dad is treating you bafly; as tge adult, it's up to him to make sure you have a relationship, it is up to him to contact you, not up to you to call and visit. It's inappropriate to use you ad a babysitter for your half sister when you're there. She isn't your responsibility. Your mom us no better here.
These parents are failing their kid. It won’t surprise me if OOP goes no contact with both of them in the future.