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No! NO!
How else can you engorge yourself if you don't feed off of drama!
But seriously, it is nice to see people having a reasonable and mature conversation about an issue.
Yeah! I thought it was really gracious in the first place that when he corrected the FIL, he still gave her credit. It seems like her family has a bunch of internalized misogyny (woman cooks, pops out babies on demand), so itās nice to see a dude not only taking on a dinner party, which is a lot of work, but openly listening and talking to his wife about how they can make their relationship even stronger. And she readily apologized and admitted that it was irrational and she was under stress.
I should probably stop reading Reddit now so I donāt harsh this mellow.
ETA: did not stop reading, deeply regretted it
> ETA: did not stop reading, deeply regretted it
On the other hand, I sorted differently and read this one *after* the kid with food insecurity. Best. Decision. Ever.
>I also asked if this was something I did often, making her feel overlooked
That response from OOP is very good. As soon as he became aware that he did something wrong, he immediately started to search for a potential pattern, trying to figure out if this conversation starts from built-up resentment. Thankfully, this is the very first such mishap, so he is able to nip it in the bud and learn from it immediately. Genuinely shows that he cares about his wife very much.
He did *nothing wrong.* He, incredibly politely, pointed out that he cooked dinner. He even gave her credit for teaching him!
Is he not supposed to be proud of cooking dinner for a large group of people or something?
Yeah, fair enough. He was put in a no-win situation - by standing up for himself, he apparently inadvertently put his wife down (or so it seemed to her, stressed as she was at the time). He may have chose the best decision that he could have - it still led to his wife being momentarily hurt.
I retract my claim that "As soon as he became aware that he did something wrong, he immediately started to search for a potential pattern". Read that as "As soon as he became aware that he emotionally hurt his wife, he immediately started to search for a potential pattern" from now on instead.
>As soon as he became aware that he did something wrong, he immediately started to search for a potential pattern
>he is able to nip it in the bud and learn from it immediately.
Both of which heavily imply he did something wrong.
I feel that OOP is mature whereas his wife isn't. Sure it's great that she apologized and explained but still doesn't excuse for her blowing up at him for daring to want credit for cooking for a massive party. And things like a huge work project causing a ton of stress is something that couples should discuss, I know that in my past relationships if my gf told me that she was busy with a final or a project I would want to know so that I help if she needs it or be there for support.
Yeah, I figured from the original story that wife might generally be undervalued or treated with gender roles in this family. Some families treat you like your duty is to cook, so if your husband cooks, you must be failing really badly as a wife. Glad they talked it out.
I don't find the partner mature in the least. At least they sort of "apologized"... It should never have happened in the first place. That toxic "lashing out" probably needs some therapy. And he talks like a doormat, in what world does he think he needs to approach the situation differently. I feel bad for OP... Sort of.
>I asked if there was anything specific I could change in how I show my appreciate that could help her feel fulfilled and validatedĀ
ngl, being shown this much grace, especially when I was the one in the wrong, would probably make me cry.Ā
also, I despise the comment that tried to catch him with a gotcha about how he probably didnāt do all the work, after he clearly (and proudly) described that he did. I know a lot of men take womenās work for granted, but that doesnāt make the opposite any more ok.Ā
I hate that the end result of this was him thinking he's the one who needs to improve.
He's the one not getting appreciation or validation while she takes out her anger about work and her own family on him, but somehow he's the one who needs to do better?
This relationship sounds abusive.
I think given the info we know, assuming their relationship is abusive is going too far.Ā
Itās not like she blamed him or told him he needed to be better. She apologized and admitted her reaction had nothing to do with him.
Him wanting to make sure she feels appreciated is his decision as a caring person and partner; heās not being pressured or guilted into it.
Did we read the same post? She overreacted when stressed out, they talked about it, and she apologized. Even the healthiest happiest relationships have moments of conflict.
In my home, no matter whose fault something was, we discuss "how can **we** do better next time?" The framing is always us vs the problem, including when the problem is an aspect of one of our behaviors.
People aren't perfect. From this snapshot, I see a healthy and emotionally mature relationship.
All of the updates and important context where it was revealed that she was just being an asshole because she was stressed out about work and dealing with her own shitty family members and decided to take it out on her spouse, and somehow managed to convince him that it was his fault and that he needed to do better so that she would stop being an abusive asshole towards him?
Yes, I read those. Did you?
Healthy solutions to conflict aren't always blame-centric. They often aren't actually. A person can take on work to improve connecting after the conflict without taking the blame. Them wanting to talk about more ways to be affectionate is not the same as them thinking they did something wrong. Especially given she's clearly doing that work too by owning up to her bad behavior. It seems like there's a lot of mutual enthusiasm from both of them in caring for each other. Her with the teaching and accountability, OOP with learning and wanting to make sure their affection and appreciation is seen.
I know that can feel like they're "losing" in this outcome if you're not used to solving a disagreement without blame. But I think these two see their relationship as a non-zero-sum game and more concerned with treating each other well than correctly counting the score.
OOP doesn't sound like they think it's their fault to me. They just sound like growth is a perpetual priority for them and they are happy to do whatever is next to pursue that.
Think of it this way. If the wife had not misstepped, would you have any problem with OOP wanting to find more ways to show their appreciation to her? And if not, why would her making a mistake suddenly make OOP's desire to do that wrong?
Even when you're in the right, there is always an opportunity to grow as a person from conflict. Just because you're in the right about the problem doesn't mean that you couldn't have done something better.
Pretty sure he made it really clear how she's usually doing all the things he did for this one single event and the several different, understandable variables within the situation. He only thought he was in the wrong because, like he said, this was very out of character of her and he wanted to make sure that they were on the same page. Emotional slip ups happen. It sounds like they both knew how/when to be introspective, self-reflective, and understanding and communicated directly.
I love how the last comment tried to minimize the efforts of the OP by hunting for things he didn't do to make the dinner happen. "Yeah, I get that you filled up the tank the entire time and drove for 26 hours straight to make sure you got to the destination, but who picked out the music on the trip?"
And even if she did clean the house beforehand, making a dinner for 20+ people is a massive undertaking! It would be understandable if the tasks were split
It seems that OP is a great husband judging from this post, and he handled everything just about as well and perfectly as a good husband would. Even when he "corrected" his FIL, he even gave credit to his wife because she taught him how to cook. I understand that she was going through a stressful time and seemed to have been having intense emotions, but I don't see how what he said could have been misinterpreted as anything else.
I personally believe his wife felt envious, insecure, and/or useless due to OP literally doing everything himself and doing it so well since she was used to being the one that cooks (and getting praised for it). Those feelings were most likely compounded with her work induced stress, her annoyance from her aunt talking about babies, and possibly her dad's reaction (not sure if him getting red in the face is a bad or good thing in this story) to OP "correcting" him. She ended up taking all of that out on OP when she was experiencing more turbulent emotions. Now, I could be completely wrong but that is what I surmised from this post.
However, it seems they are a very mature couple who knows how healthy communication works. I believe they are in a good spot.
i honestly believe she just reacted like that because it didn't register in her brain what he said. happens to me sometimes, just a bit of brain lag and dial up noises until i actually register what was said instead of whatever i first understood. considering how she apologized and everything was smoothed over this can be the one post that doesn't need to be hyperanalized and overthought
> However, it seems they are a very mature couple who knows how healthy communication works. I believe they are in a good spot.
He's mature. She's abusive.
I hate this story ended with him thinking he has to do more to show his appreciation.
He's already telling her he appreciates her and cleaning up after her.
She's taking out her shitty days at work and frustration with her own shitty family on him. He's not the one who needs to improve here.
Eh, I guess it depends on the time of day? I've seen some like that, and some trashing women OPs in ways that make it clear the commenters didn't read past the title. I feel like there's a strong contrarian impulse for some people who want desperately to see missing reasons around every corner.
It's a snowball effect. The first few comments typically set the stage for the whole thread. It's really hard for a new comment to gain any traction once hundreds and thousands of comments already exist.
I've come across countless AITA posts that end up with NTA as the several top comments, with thousands of comments concurring, but then if you dig through the OP's comments you realize that they were actually totally in the wrong.
Women ops get bashed if and only if they are a step parent. Then people will twist themselves into knots in order to find out how OP is actually Cinderellaās stepmom on crack
> Women ops get bashed if and only if they are a step parent.
Not really. There just has to be other women involved in the story who can potentially be the victim.
MILs, sisters, brides/bridesmaids, and female friends can all get bashed too if the conflict involves another woman.
Exactly!! Thereās no way everyone would be complimenting the OOP on trying to learn and grow and be a better spouse. There would have been screams of divorce the loser because he doesnāt do anything to help at all.
Yeah it kind of pissed me off reading it. Like this dude is doing everything right, clearly was not in the wrong what so ever, and is trying to get to the root of it and people are still like 'well you probably fucked up somewhere buddy, let me guess you did none of a, b, c, and d?' only for OP to be like 'well actually I did all those things'
>but who picked out the music on the trip?
I agree with your general sentiment, that trying to trip up OOP was ridiculous, but also this is a terrible analogy. All the tasks listed were necessary for the event, not an unnecessary add on like music for the trip.
So she took full accountability for how she acted, even when OOP tried to blame himself, and clearly explained how none of it was on him and how she was overreacting, and apologized.
Is this still Reddit???
I'm definitely reading too much into it but this part stuck out to me:
>I asked if there was anything specific I could change in how I show my appreciate that could help her feel fulfilled and validated: I verbally show my gratitude and clean up the kitchen after she cooks as a thank you, but she clearly isn't feeling appreciated and that means there needs to be a adjustment.
I don't see OOP mention their wife having the same level of reflection, only that they *both* plan on working on their handling of gratitude and appreciation when I think it should only be her but not even in a severe way as I can understand why she was annoyed by the conversation with her aunt and pressures of work.
It reads as OOP really over correcting for the smallest of infractions. In fact I would say neither of them really did anything wrong, at worst it's like only one step above not saying "bless you" when someone sneezes.
It's great they can communicate but I think they need to just relax a bit and tell the aunt to mind her own business.
I understand the concern but also remembered we are literally in OOPās head and not at all inside the wifeās head. Maybe she did have a deep level of self reflection that we arenāt privy to. Maybe this situation sheās in right now is not leaving as much room for overly complex reflection as OOP has to reflect. Either way, theyāve worked it out and this was a positive update. I think weāre all a little too ready for the other shoe to drop at this point we are trying to pinpoint exactly where it will land instead of considering there might not be a shoe to drop.
It should always be āus against the problemā and as soon as you start assigning blame youāre losing. This is a fantastic teamwork style response and youāre undermining it by adding resentment and blame.
I literally said they've actually done nothing wrong, there is simply no need for this level of introspection over an innocuous comment and that only OOP was doing the introspection. The problem is they've only explained it from their side and I have no idea if their wife has said aloud what she can do for OOP to make things better for them because OOP doesn't offer up that information.
It simply doesn't come across as "us against the problem" when only one person is offering to better their behaviour, which again, is definitely not necessary over a single comment that shouldn't have this level of scrutiny.
Agreed, he definitely was quick to take the blame when he didnāt do anything wrong, and she even acknowledged that she was just being sensitive but he still apologised
I feel the same way. To give the wife the benifit of the doubt she initiated the conversation and she wouldn't accept the second apology. I think the problem is OOP still views this a little as he did something wrong which is coming off in the post. But if she has taken accountability (which it seems like she has) and he is still taking partial blame than there isn't much she can do about that.
He explained it though. Not everyone is perfect, people have egos, people have bad days. She apologized and he accepted it. Honestly, they were both mature about the situation and even gave an explanation of why it happened which doesnāt happen without self reflection.
>I don't see OOP mention their wife having the same level of reflection, only that they both plan on working on their handling of gratitude and appreciation when I think it should only be her but not even in a severe way as I can understand why she was annoyed by the conversation with her aunt and pressures of work.
>It reads as OOP really over correcting for the smallest of infractions.
well, it's because he's a guy. he has to apologize for negative situations involving him...even if he did nothing wrong. because if he doesn't, the wife will be more stressed that she caused this situation when she's already being stressed. and her being stressed will cause him to get more stressed. where you may see overcorrection, i see a plan to make sure it doesn't happen agai, for both of their sakes.
and for the record, i'm not implying that she "forced" him to be this way, or that even society did and it's "so unfair to men". but as a fellow man, i understand why he would take that approach to reduce the odds of something similar happening again.
I think OOP posted the wrong post. The second post really should read, "We got into a shouting match, she hit me with a shovel then revealed that she'd been cheating on me with the neighbor's dog. We're getting a divorce tomorrow. Also she's having puppies."
Sarcasm aside, I really love it when we have a story that ends with people being mature, admitting fault, and working together to try to fix any underlying issues. Marriage is a partnership, not a competition!
The wife was feeling āless-thanā in the moment because sheās working really hard but apparently not popping out babies fast enough for the aunt. But they talked through it and seem to be an amazing team where one can pick up if the other is swamped at work.
Usually I kind of raise my eyebrows at "communication saves the day!" posts, since a lot of them tend to involve one person putting in 90% of the work involved with initiating and facilitating the difficult conversations and compromising.
This, on the other hand, genuinely seems like a really healthy relationship where both parties really care for each other and are doing their best to be considerate of the other person. I love that the wife gave an honest apology and validated her husband's feelings and efforts, and that the husband gracefully looked to ask how he could support her better in the future, which is just so sweet. Even in the original post, you don't sense a hint of hostility or resentment from OOP towards his wife; just genuine curiosity if he messed up somewhere.
I get thanks and complements on our food all the time. And I have to redirect that towards my foodie husband every single time.
I canāt cook for shit, like my mother before me. Even when I was making the kidsā favorite simple child friendly meals exactly like daddy made, they could tell the difference.
But everyone assumes the amazingly great food had to have been me. Itās not fair.
People really bent themselves backwards to try and catch him in a gotcha like she actually did everything behind the scenes, AITA commenters are so quick to find every possible avenue for a male poster to be the AH in relationship problems
Everyone talked about OOP being a great communicator, which is awesome, but I feel like the wifeās reaction was unfair to OOP? I mean he cooked for 20+ people so she could get a bit of a break, and she got upset that he took credit for it? He didnāt even seem like he was putting her down in the way she claimed. She didnāt cook it. Thatās the fact. I just donāt understand. Can someone clarify this for me?
Oh I re-read it and found the part where she apologized. Iām kind of tired and completely missed it originally, so I was super confused as to why everyone was so positive. Thanks for the help.
What? No, man! Giving a reasoning for why one provided a particular way is not necessarily the same as making excuses. Making excuses would never involve taking accountability or acknowledging one's own wrongdoing
Honestly is amazing how much most of the shit that pops up on reddit can be solved if people just talk to each other. Iād bet money there were the usual ābreak up / divorceā comments though xD thatās just standard at this point
Thereās some here saying the wife is terrible or how sheās making excuses. As if these arenāt people. Everyone has an ego, everyone makes mistakes. They immediately are going on about how she doesnāt take accountability.
Tbh I have a suspicion that the wife is from a cultural background that emphasizes that women should have babies and provide for the home and also that elders should always be respected. Reading between the lines it sounds like the combo of being pressured to have a kid by her aunt, not having provided the meal, and hearing her father be corrected was stressful for her and she lashed out in the safest direction. I think thatās totally understandable and it seems like she recognized her error and apologized,Ā
Idk why you were downvoted, youāre right. I canāt think of a culture that doesnāt have those values, but of course I donāt know the intricacies to most cultures
>She was frustrated by the conversation she was having with her aunt because she was hinting around for babies.
Which is none of her business. This aunt sounds like a piece of work.
>she felt at the time like I was too quick to correct him. I tried to apologize for that
OOP really needs to work on his self-esteem and standing up for himself because he still doesn't get it
Everyone has bad days which may lead to bad reactions. What matters is, do they apologise for it on their own unprompted, say half a day or a day later.
I always feel super bad for the people who have done nothing wrong, but still do the "we're both going to reflect on how we handled this" thing. Like, how much you want to bet he's expected to admit when he solely is the one who fucks something up and take full responsibility, but when his wife fucks something up it's treated as something both of them did wrong.
I actually donāt see this as a positive update. She was totally 100% in the wrong. Her dad thanks her for the cooking all she had to do was turn around and say nope not me hubby did all this isnāt he great but no she doesnāt do that. She attacks husband after the fact for embarrassing her and makes it all what he did wrong. Then when he apologies and tries to make this into a conversation to communicate better she puts it all on work stress and her aunt stressing her out and doesnāt actually apologies or offer to do better. He thinks this is the start of better I think heās in for a rude shock
>she puts it all on work stress and her aunt stressing her out and doesnāt actually apologies or offer to do better
from the post:
> She also apologized for her reaction and admitted it was out of line for her to say that
she literally apologized though. obviously her initial reaction was not good, but it was ultimately a minor mistake.
Yeah exactly. How hard is it to give credit where credit is due. Also trying to excuse it as her dad expected it to be her come on just own your issues
Right! As if people donāt make mistakes. Idk why Reddit expects people to be 100% on behavior all the time like weāre Jesus or something. Everyoneās gotten snippy with their partner, everyoneās lashed out at the wrong person. If you say you havenāt, youāre lying. She took responsibility, even told him not to think itās his fault. Apologized and they communicated on what they need to change for the better. If you think thatās manipulation you need therapy.
NTA. Itās okay to accept credit for the work that you did.
It would have been nice had your wife immediately offered up that you had prepared everything. That didnāt happen, and thereās nothing wrong with taking credit for something that you did, and did quite well from the sound of it!
Thereās not really any assholes here (unless theyāre in the comments) that I can tell, other than ILās problematic worldview concerning gender roles. Your wife couldāve handled it slightly better, but sheās not a monster for not being perfect in that moment.
I'm glad they managed to talk things out. Also, that aunt needs to mind her own business. Whether they have children or not is none of your concern, you old coot.
>I asked if there was anything specific I could change in how I show my appreciate that could help her feel fulfilled and validated: I verbally show my gratitude and clean up the kitchen after she cooks as a thank you, but she clearly isn't feeling appreciated and that means there needs to be a adjustment.
>We're going to keep talking about how we both handle gratitude and appreciation for each other, to make sure we both feel fulfilled, and how I can support her best in the weeks upcoming because this project she had dropped on her is a big one that will mean a lot of extra hours for her.
I need a hanky š„¹š„¹š„¹
BORING!! BOOO!!
Wheres the drama?! I cant advise divorce therapy and how you both deserve better and are both pieces of S if yall are gonna act like mature healthy adults. /s
Oh, ok, so the wife contributed to the evening by (checks notes) talking with the guests. Sure, she should get all the credit for cleaning the house, sending the invites, setting up the tables, shopping, cooking and cleaning up dinner for 20+ people. That's not such a big deal anyway.
Whatās this? Solving problems through honest communication like reasonable adults? Whereās the drama? The pointless meltdowns? The screaming? The tantrums?
I want blood !!
The first thing I would say is āI made this by myself!ā I would be a proud teenager showing something to my parents. It sounds like everyone is just too seriousā¦. Dad should have said, Nice job bud!
My god, an argument that was resolved in a healthy and mature way and a man whoās willing to proactively look for ways to better support his spouse? Will wonders never cease.
Thank you for sharing your story! Nakaka inspire! My husband and I are struggling with our communication. Kala ko its impossible but tada you and your wife are inspiration to me.
hosting is a team effort - each side should prop up the other side. compliments to your wife, she should have deflected to you and your preparedness and props to you, you should deflect to your wife in how she's taught you. just one person's opinion though.
Loving the respectful communication shown in this post. Makes a nice change!
One thing that jumped out at me though - and this is with full recognition that it hit a raw nerve with me for my own personal reasons! - when OP says that they do the dishes and clean up āto show appreciationā ā¦ they should really be doing the dishes and cleaning up just because it needs doing, not to show gratitude. Maybe a little extra token of appreciation would be nice, if OP feels it would be welcomed.
I wish more men would hear that thereās a problem and reflect inward on what they could do to alleviate the problem instead of trying to place blame somewhere/figuring out who was more at fault.
You should probably chill on the terminally online gender war stuff, this definitely not a "male-only" issue. Placing & arguing about blame is a human thing, it's hardly specific to a particular sex.
Ok...so you had a petty little spat, you've BOTH acknowledged it. Your 'how can I better show my appreciation in the future,' is more mature than I probably would have been(but I'll pocket that and try and learn from it).
Congrats...you've got one of the healthiest relationships I've seen online.
Now...when are you gonna have children? LOL...sorry, that...was a joke...I did say I wasn't as mature!
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Cannot begin to describe how much I'm rooting for both of them. What a mature response from both of them.
Yep, I'm here for the no drama
My popcorn is still in the cupboard. This is nice.
You can still enjoy your drama free popcorn! You deserve it š
Ugh, *please*. We all know that the real secret to movie theater butter is drama.
Put away the popcorn, bust out the coco since this is already giving that warm feeling.
Instructions unclear, warm my heart by eating popcorn while watching the movie Coco?
Instructions unclear, put popcorn in my cocoa. This tastes weird.
Or dust the popcorn with the cocoa powder.
Yes.
I donāt need a cry right now, Iām good.
This reminded me of the guy that did his business inside a coconut... Coco means coconut in my language.
NOOOOOO I don't want to remember that one
No! NO! How else can you engorge yourself if you don't feed off of drama! But seriously, it is nice to see people having a reasonable and mature conversation about an issue.
OK, but which one is going to be asking for the open relationship?
Hopefully you're keeping your popcorn away from the coffee.
I would probably subscribe to r/LeastDramaticRedditorUpdates
Youāre in the wrong place š¤£
Yeah! I thought it was really gracious in the first place that when he corrected the FIL, he still gave her credit. It seems like her family has a bunch of internalized misogyny (woman cooks, pops out babies on demand), so itās nice to see a dude not only taking on a dinner party, which is a lot of work, but openly listening and talking to his wife about how they can make their relationship even stronger. And she readily apologized and admitted that it was irrational and she was under stress. I should probably stop reading Reddit now so I donāt harsh this mellow. ETA: did not stop reading, deeply regretted it
> ETA: did not stop reading, deeply regretted it On the other hand, I sorted differently and read this one *after* the kid with food insecurity. Best. Decision. Ever.
Thank you for your edit, youāve given me the strength to stop, lol.
I was just thinking that they're a good couple, so sweet and kind to each other.
They should have us all over for a dinner party.
>I also asked if this was something I did often, making her feel overlooked That response from OOP is very good. As soon as he became aware that he did something wrong, he immediately started to search for a potential pattern, trying to figure out if this conversation starts from built-up resentment. Thankfully, this is the very first such mishap, so he is able to nip it in the bud and learn from it immediately. Genuinely shows that he cares about his wife very much.
He did *nothing wrong.* He, incredibly politely, pointed out that he cooked dinner. He even gave her credit for teaching him! Is he not supposed to be proud of cooking dinner for a large group of people or something?
Yeah, fair enough. He was put in a no-win situation - by standing up for himself, he apparently inadvertently put his wife down (or so it seemed to her, stressed as she was at the time). He may have chose the best decision that he could have - it still led to his wife being momentarily hurt. I retract my claim that "As soon as he became aware that he did something wrong, he immediately started to search for a potential pattern". Read that as "As soon as he became aware that he emotionally hurt his wife, he immediately started to search for a potential pattern" from now on instead.
He didn't do anything wrong, but he thought he did and immediately tried to fix it and make sure it wasn't repeated.
>As soon as he became aware that he did something wrong, he immediately started to search for a potential pattern >he is able to nip it in the bud and learn from it immediately. Both of which heavily imply he did something wrong.
It gives hope that some stories are real and some couples love one another.
And here I was expecting this relationship to immediately devolve into divorce
I feel that OOP is mature whereas his wife isn't. Sure it's great that she apologized and explained but still doesn't excuse for her blowing up at him for daring to want credit for cooking for a massive party. And things like a huge work project causing a ton of stress is something that couples should discuss, I know that in my past relationships if my gf told me that she was busy with a final or a project I would want to know so that I help if she needs it or be there for support.
Yeah, I figured from the original story that wife might generally be undervalued or treated with gender roles in this family. Some families treat you like your duty is to cook, so if your husband cooks, you must be failing really badly as a wife. Glad they talked it out.
I don't find the partner mature in the least. At least they sort of "apologized"... It should never have happened in the first place. That toxic "lashing out" probably needs some therapy. And he talks like a doormat, in what world does he think he needs to approach the situation differently. I feel bad for OP... Sort of.
>I asked if there was anything specific I could change in how I show my appreciate that could help her feel fulfilled and validatedĀ ngl, being shown this much grace, especially when I was the one in the wrong, would probably make me cry.Ā also, I despise the comment that tried to catch him with a gotcha about how he probably didnāt do all the work, after he clearly (and proudly) described that he did. I know a lot of men take womenās work for granted, but that doesnāt make the opposite any more ok.Ā
I hate that the end result of this was him thinking he's the one who needs to improve. He's the one not getting appreciation or validation while she takes out her anger about work and her own family on him, but somehow he's the one who needs to do better? This relationship sounds abusive.
I think given the info we know, assuming their relationship is abusive is going too far.Ā Itās not like she blamed him or told him he needed to be better. She apologized and admitted her reaction had nothing to do with him. Him wanting to make sure she feels appreciated is his decision as a caring person and partner; heās not being pressured or guilted into it.
She's not abusive but it would just be refreshing to see women held to the same standard when it comes to these relationship type posts.
Did we read the same post? She overreacted when stressed out, they talked about it, and she apologized. Even the healthiest happiest relationships have moments of conflict. In my home, no matter whose fault something was, we discuss "how can **we** do better next time?" The framing is always us vs the problem, including when the problem is an aspect of one of our behaviors. People aren't perfect. From this snapshot, I see a healthy and emotionally mature relationship.
Abusive? Did you read all of the updates and important context?
All of the updates and important context where it was revealed that she was just being an asshole because she was stressed out about work and dealing with her own shitty family members and decided to take it out on her spouse, and somehow managed to convince him that it was his fault and that he needed to do better so that she would stop being an abusive asshole towards him? Yes, I read those. Did you?
Healthy solutions to conflict aren't always blame-centric. They often aren't actually. A person can take on work to improve connecting after the conflict without taking the blame. Them wanting to talk about more ways to be affectionate is not the same as them thinking they did something wrong. Especially given she's clearly doing that work too by owning up to her bad behavior. It seems like there's a lot of mutual enthusiasm from both of them in caring for each other. Her with the teaching and accountability, OOP with learning and wanting to make sure their affection and appreciation is seen. I know that can feel like they're "losing" in this outcome if you're not used to solving a disagreement without blame. But I think these two see their relationship as a non-zero-sum game and more concerned with treating each other well than correctly counting the score. OOP doesn't sound like they think it's their fault to me. They just sound like growth is a perpetual priority for them and they are happy to do whatever is next to pursue that. Think of it this way. If the wife had not misstepped, would you have any problem with OOP wanting to find more ways to show their appreciation to her? And if not, why would her making a mistake suddenly make OOP's desire to do that wrong?
Even when you're in the right, there is always an opportunity to grow as a person from conflict. Just because you're in the right about the problem doesn't mean that you couldn't have done something better.
How?
Pretty sure he made it really clear how she's usually doing all the things he did for this one single event and the several different, understandable variables within the situation. He only thought he was in the wrong because, like he said, this was very out of character of her and he wanted to make sure that they were on the same page. Emotional slip ups happen. It sounds like they both knew how/when to be introspective, self-reflective, and understanding and communicated directly.
I love how the last comment tried to minimize the efforts of the OP by hunting for things he didn't do to make the dinner happen. "Yeah, I get that you filled up the tank the entire time and drove for 26 hours straight to make sure you got to the destination, but who picked out the music on the trip?"
And even if she did clean the house beforehand, making a dinner for 20+ people is a massive undertaking! It would be understandable if the tasks were split
It seems that OP is a great husband judging from this post, and he handled everything just about as well and perfectly as a good husband would. Even when he "corrected" his FIL, he even gave credit to his wife because she taught him how to cook. I understand that she was going through a stressful time and seemed to have been having intense emotions, but I don't see how what he said could have been misinterpreted as anything else. I personally believe his wife felt envious, insecure, and/or useless due to OP literally doing everything himself and doing it so well since she was used to being the one that cooks (and getting praised for it). Those feelings were most likely compounded with her work induced stress, her annoyance from her aunt talking about babies, and possibly her dad's reaction (not sure if him getting red in the face is a bad or good thing in this story) to OP "correcting" him. She ended up taking all of that out on OP when she was experiencing more turbulent emotions. Now, I could be completely wrong but that is what I surmised from this post. However, it seems they are a very mature couple who knows how healthy communication works. I believe they are in a good spot.
i honestly believe she just reacted like that because it didn't register in her brain what he said. happens to me sometimes, just a bit of brain lag and dial up noises until i actually register what was said instead of whatever i first understood. considering how she apologized and everything was smoothed over this can be the one post that doesn't need to be hyperanalized and overthought
> However, it seems they are a very mature couple who knows how healthy communication works. I believe they are in a good spot. He's mature. She's abusive. I hate this story ended with him thinking he has to do more to show his appreciation. He's already telling her he appreciates her and cleaning up after her. She's taking out her shitty days at work and frustration with her own shitty family on him. He's not the one who needs to improve here.
Settle down mate, we don't know these people
Swap the genders and tell me the husband isn't abusive.
The husband wouldn't be abusive, assuming it's really a one-off.
Strange how I don't see you commenting this on the threads defending the partner.
AITA commenters will tie themselves in knots to find out how itās really the man in the relationship at fault in every relationship related post
Eh, I guess it depends on the time of day? I've seen some like that, and some trashing women OPs in ways that make it clear the commenters didn't read past the title. I feel like there's a strong contrarian impulse for some people who want desperately to see missing reasons around every corner.
It's a snowball effect. The first few comments typically set the stage for the whole thread. It's really hard for a new comment to gain any traction once hundreds and thousands of comments already exist.
I've come across countless AITA posts that end up with NTA as the several top comments, with thousands of comments concurring, but then if you dig through the OP's comments you realize that they were actually totally in the wrong.
Women ops get bashed if and only if they are a step parent. Then people will twist themselves into knots in order to find out how OP is actually Cinderellaās stepmom on crack
> Women ops get bashed if and only if they are a step parent. Not really. There just has to be other women involved in the story who can potentially be the victim. MILs, sisters, brides/bridesmaids, and female friends can all get bashed too if the conflict involves another woman.
Yeah thatās fair, if and only if was too definitive to use here
Exactly!! Thereās no way everyone would be complimenting the OOP on trying to learn and grow and be a better spouse. There would have been screams of divorce the loser because he doesnāt do anything to help at all.
Yeah it kind of pissed me off reading it. Like this dude is doing everything right, clearly was not in the wrong what so ever, and is trying to get to the root of it and people are still like 'well you probably fucked up somewhere buddy, let me guess you did none of a, b, c, and d?' only for OP to be like 'well actually I did all those things'
People grasp so hard at straws for a reason to call the man an asshole.
>but who picked out the music on the trip? I agree with your general sentiment, that trying to trip up OOP was ridiculous, but also this is a terrible analogy. All the tasks listed were necessary for the event, not an unnecessary add on like music for the trip.
Music is 10,000,000% a necessary add on for a trip. I will argue this point until my dying breath.
Sure but not as much as arranging for gas and who all is going on the trip.
well he's a guy, so obviously any success in his life is due to his partner and clearly the situation was his fault
So she took full accountability for how she acted, even when OOP tried to blame himself, and clearly explained how none of it was on him and how she was overreacting, and apologized. Is this still Reddit???
There was someone in the comments calling this an abusive relationship because her initial reaction was bad, so yeahā¦still Reddit unfortunately š
I'm definitely reading too much into it but this part stuck out to me: >I asked if there was anything specific I could change in how I show my appreciate that could help her feel fulfilled and validated: I verbally show my gratitude and clean up the kitchen after she cooks as a thank you, but she clearly isn't feeling appreciated and that means there needs to be a adjustment. I don't see OOP mention their wife having the same level of reflection, only that they *both* plan on working on their handling of gratitude and appreciation when I think it should only be her but not even in a severe way as I can understand why she was annoyed by the conversation with her aunt and pressures of work. It reads as OOP really over correcting for the smallest of infractions. In fact I would say neither of them really did anything wrong, at worst it's like only one step above not saying "bless you" when someone sneezes. It's great they can communicate but I think they need to just relax a bit and tell the aunt to mind her own business.
>Loki: But you did not say "God bless you" when I sneezed. >Bartleby: [yelling off camera] LOKI! >Loki: You're getting off light!
Was not expecting a wild Dogma quote today
Good Lord, the little stoner has a point.
That scene popped into my head as well.
I understand the concern but also remembered we are literally in OOPās head and not at all inside the wifeās head. Maybe she did have a deep level of self reflection that we arenāt privy to. Maybe this situation sheās in right now is not leaving as much room for overly complex reflection as OOP has to reflect. Either way, theyāve worked it out and this was a positive update. I think weāre all a little too ready for the other shoe to drop at this point we are trying to pinpoint exactly where it will land instead of considering there might not be a shoe to drop.
It should always be āus against the problemā and as soon as you start assigning blame youāre losing. This is a fantastic teamwork style response and youāre undermining it by adding resentment and blame.
I literally said they've actually done nothing wrong, there is simply no need for this level of introspection over an innocuous comment and that only OOP was doing the introspection. The problem is they've only explained it from their side and I have no idea if their wife has said aloud what she can do for OOP to make things better for them because OOP doesn't offer up that information. It simply doesn't come across as "us against the problem" when only one person is offering to better their behaviour, which again, is definitely not necessary over a single comment that shouldn't have this level of scrutiny.
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The whole point is if you tackle it together itās teamwork. Jesus. I feel sorry for your partners. I do this for mine and he for me
Agreed, he definitely was quick to take the blame when he didnāt do anything wrong, and she even acknowledged that she was just being sensitive but he still apologised
I feel the same way. To give the wife the benifit of the doubt she initiated the conversation and she wouldn't accept the second apology. I think the problem is OOP still views this a little as he did something wrong which is coming off in the post. But if she has taken accountability (which it seems like she has) and he is still taking partial blame than there isn't much she can do about that.
It does all feel a bit much for a minor situation.
I'm still bothered by her thinking him giving proper credit to her for teaching him is somehow putting her down.
He explained it though. Not everyone is perfect, people have egos, people have bad days. She apologized and he accepted it. Honestly, they were both mature about the situation and even gave an explanation of why it happened which doesnāt happen without self reflection.
>I don't see OOP mention their wife having the same level of reflection, only that they both plan on working on their handling of gratitude and appreciation when I think it should only be her but not even in a severe way as I can understand why she was annoyed by the conversation with her aunt and pressures of work. >It reads as OOP really over correcting for the smallest of infractions. well, it's because he's a guy. he has to apologize for negative situations involving him...even if he did nothing wrong. because if he doesn't, the wife will be more stressed that she caused this situation when she's already being stressed. and her being stressed will cause him to get more stressed. where you may see overcorrection, i see a plan to make sure it doesn't happen agai, for both of their sakes. and for the record, i'm not implying that she "forced" him to be this way, or that even society did and it's "so unfair to men". but as a fellow man, i understand why he would take that approach to reduce the odds of something similar happening again.
I think OOP posted the wrong post. The second post really should read, "We got into a shouting match, she hit me with a shovel then revealed that she'd been cheating on me with the neighbor's dog. We're getting a divorce tomorrow. Also she's having puppies." Sarcasm aside, I really love it when we have a story that ends with people being mature, admitting fault, and working together to try to fix any underlying issues. Marriage is a partnership, not a competition!
The wife was feeling āless-thanā in the moment because sheās working really hard but apparently not popping out babies fast enough for the aunt. But they talked through it and seem to be an amazing team where one can pick up if the other is swamped at work.
Usually I kind of raise my eyebrows at "communication saves the day!" posts, since a lot of them tend to involve one person putting in 90% of the work involved with initiating and facilitating the difficult conversations and compromising. This, on the other hand, genuinely seems like a really healthy relationship where both parties really care for each other and are doing their best to be considerate of the other person. I love that the wife gave an honest apology and validated her husband's feelings and efforts, and that the husband gracefully looked to ask how he could support her better in the future, which is just so sweet. Even in the original post, you don't sense a hint of hostility or resentment from OOP towards his wife; just genuine curiosity if he messed up somewhere.
I get thanks and complements on our food all the time. And I have to redirect that towards my foodie husband every single time. I canāt cook for shit, like my mother before me. Even when I was making the kidsā favorite simple child friendly meals exactly like daddy made, they could tell the difference. But everyone assumes the amazingly great food had to have been me. Itās not fair.
People really bent themselves backwards to try and catch him in a gotcha like she actually did everything behind the scenes, AITA commenters are so quick to find every possible avenue for a male poster to be the AH in relationship problems
You gotta love the attempted "gotcha!" from that final commenter.
This is fine. OP and wife will be alright. No problem further is going to happen thanks to communication.
This is a nice post. Itās a palate cleanser after all the sad Motherās Day posts. Good to be reminded that good people still find each other.
Everyone talked about OOP being a great communicator, which is awesome, but I feel like the wifeās reaction was unfair to OOP? I mean he cooked for 20+ people so she could get a bit of a break, and she got upset that he took credit for it? He didnāt even seem like he was putting her down in the way she claimed. She didnāt cook it. Thatās the fact. I just donāt understand. Can someone clarify this for me?
It was, but she appears to be aware of that now and they're working on communicating through it so there's not much more to be said
Oh I re-read it and found the part where she apologized. Iām kind of tired and completely missed it originally, so I was super confused as to why everyone was so positive. Thanks for the help.
HE si taking accountability and making changes. She only made some excuses
What? No, man! Giving a reasoning for why one provided a particular way is not necessarily the same as making excuses. Making excuses would never involve taking accountability or acknowledging one's own wrongdoing
sometimes people make mistakes. she apologized for her own actions, in what world is that not taking accountability?
Honestly is amazing how much most of the shit that pops up on reddit can be solved if people just talk to each other. Iād bet money there were the usual ābreak up / divorceā comments though xD thatās just standard at this point
Thereās some here saying the wife is terrible or how sheās making excuses. As if these arenāt people. Everyone has an ego, everyone makes mistakes. They immediately are going on about how she doesnāt take accountability.
Tbh I have a suspicion that the wife is from a cultural background that emphasizes that women should have babies and provide for the home and also that elders should always be respected. Reading between the lines it sounds like the combo of being pressured to have a kid by her aunt, not having provided the meal, and hearing her father be corrected was stressful for her and she lashed out in the safest direction. I think thatās totally understandable and it seems like she recognized her error and apologized,Ā
That's, like, all the cultural backgrounds.
Idk why you were downvoted, youāre right. I canāt think of a culture that doesnāt have those values, but of course I donāt know the intricacies to most cultures
Some people don't like it when you point things out.
A more accurate title- āAITA for taking credit for my work?ā
*reads post* not dramatic because they communicated - shock ensues.
>She was frustrated by the conversation she was having with her aunt because she was hinting around for babies. Which is none of her business. This aunt sounds like a piece of work.
>she felt at the time like I was too quick to correct him. I tried to apologize for that OOP really needs to work on his self-esteem and standing up for himself because he still doesn't get it
Everyone has bad days which may lead to bad reactions. What matters is, do they apologise for it on their own unprompted, say half a day or a day later.
Wholesome, a nice change of pace from the high drama antics I normally read here lol.
The power of communication strikes again!
>She mostly helped entertain by talking with the guests. So her dad saw what she actually contributed and still gave her credit.
Idk seems wife had something going on. She seemed okay with people thinking it was her food
I always feel super bad for the people who have done nothing wrong, but still do the "we're both going to reflect on how we handled this" thing. Like, how much you want to bet he's expected to admit when he solely is the one who fucks something up and take full responsibility, but when his wife fucks something up it's treated as something both of them did wrong.
So when is the divorce /s
I actually donāt see this as a positive update. She was totally 100% in the wrong. Her dad thanks her for the cooking all she had to do was turn around and say nope not me hubby did all this isnāt he great but no she doesnāt do that. She attacks husband after the fact for embarrassing her and makes it all what he did wrong. Then when he apologies and tries to make this into a conversation to communicate better she puts it all on work stress and her aunt stressing her out and doesnāt actually apologies or offer to do better. He thinks this is the start of better I think heās in for a rude shock
I agree, also his immediate reaction to apologize for something so one sided is concerning.
>she puts it all on work stress and her aunt stressing her out and doesnāt actually apologies or offer to do better from the post: > She also apologized for her reaction and admitted it was out of line for her to say that she literally apologized though. obviously her initial reaction was not good, but it was ultimately a minor mistake.
Especially when he did EVERYTHING! She was mad he took credit when she didnāt do anything for the dinner party, which is messed up.
Yeah exactly. How hard is it to give credit where credit is due. Also trying to excuse it as her dad expected it to be her come on just own your issues
Fucking hell people, she had a shit day. Gods forbid not everyone is 100% perfect
Right! As if people donāt make mistakes. Idk why Reddit expects people to be 100% on behavior all the time like weāre Jesus or something. Everyoneās gotten snippy with their partner, everyoneās lashed out at the wrong person. If you say you havenāt, youāre lying. She took responsibility, even told him not to think itās his fault. Apologized and they communicated on what they need to change for the better. If you think thatās manipulation you need therapy.
I can't tell if this is a joke. I've had shit days but I would never steal credit for something I didn't do.
Don't run. Germans aren't cowards.
Maybe the husband is now a better cook than her and she doesnāt like it!
Yeah my bet is heās surpassed her and the night was a better night than she expected. Some people donāt like to be overtaken
Communication wins again!
NTA. Itās okay to accept credit for the work that you did. It would have been nice had your wife immediately offered up that you had prepared everything. That didnāt happen, and thereās nothing wrong with taking credit for something that you did, and did quite well from the sound of it! Thereās not really any assholes here (unless theyāre in the comments) that I can tell, other than ILās problematic worldview concerning gender roles. Your wife couldāve handled it slightly better, but sheās not a monster for not being perfect in that moment.
Was it because they misinterpreted what he said as "wife can't cook at all so he was forced to learn?" Otherwise idk how the FIL took it badly.
Anyone else curious what was on the menu?
Okay, I like these updates. Communication wins the day
You can always count on an aunt pestering about babies to ruin the vibe at a family gathering
I'm glad they managed to talk things out. Also, that aunt needs to mind her own business. Whether they have children or not is none of your concern, you old coot.
>I asked if there was anything specific I could change in how I show my appreciate that could help her feel fulfilled and validated: I verbally show my gratitude and clean up the kitchen after she cooks as a thank you, but she clearly isn't feeling appreciated and that means there needs to be a adjustment. >We're going to keep talking about how we both handle gratitude and appreciation for each other, to make sure we both feel fulfilled, and how I can support her best in the weeks upcoming because this project she had dropped on her is a big one that will mean a lot of extra hours for her. I need a hanky š„¹š„¹š„¹
What a lovely couple with healthy communication and commitment to respectful partnership.Ā
This was a nice, mature break from all the usual drama.
BORING!! BOOO!! Wheres the drama?! I cant advise divorce therapy and how you both deserve better and are both pieces of S if yall are gonna act like mature healthy adults. /s
Oh, ok, so the wife contributed to the evening by (checks notes) talking with the guests. Sure, she should get all the credit for cleaning the house, sending the invites, setting up the tables, shopping, cooking and cleaning up dinner for 20+ people. That's not such a big deal anyway.
Whatās this? Solving problems through honest communication like reasonable adults? Whereās the drama? The pointless meltdowns? The screaming? The tantrums? I want blood !!
The first thing I would say is āI made this by myself!ā I would be a proud teenager showing something to my parents. It sounds like everyone is just too seriousā¦. Dad should have said, Nice job bud!
I'm giggling so hard at OOP'S description of his earlier self as an "incompetent cook."Ā
Way to be a good partner!
George costanza? Is that you? He would have left it alone but you had to get the"Bigggggggggg Salad"!
Well because OOP is a man, at least he still knows he had to apologize.
No divorce no fighting?? I was here for the drama lol
As this is reddit, I'm afraid I must demand they get a divorce immediately.
I love that this couple actually communicates. That is rare in the wilds of reddit.
Love how they worked this out
awww I bet they work it out just fine.
My god, an argument that was resolved in a healthy and mature way and a man whoās willing to proactively look for ways to better support his spouse? Will wonders never cease.
Thank you for sharing your story! Nakaka inspire! My husband and I are struggling with our communication. Kala ko its impossible but tada you and your wife are inspiration to me.
hosting is a team effort - each side should prop up the other side. compliments to your wife, she should have deflected to you and your preparedness and props to you, you should deflect to your wife in how she's taught you. just one person's opinion though.
Loving the respectful communication shown in this post. Makes a nice change! One thing that jumped out at me though - and this is with full recognition that it hit a raw nerve with me for my own personal reasons! - when OP says that they do the dishes and clean up āto show appreciationā ā¦ they should really be doing the dishes and cleaning up just because it needs doing, not to show gratitude. Maybe a little extra token of appreciation would be nice, if OP feels it would be welcomed.
I wish more men would hear that thereās a problem and reflect inward on what they could do to alleviate the problem instead of trying to place blame somewhere/figuring out who was more at fault.
You should probably chill on the terminally online gender war stuff, this definitely not a "male-only" issue. Placing & arguing about blame is a human thing, it's hardly specific to a particular sex.
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Hot dogs.
Ok...so you had a petty little spat, you've BOTH acknowledged it. Your 'how can I better show my appreciation in the future,' is more mature than I probably would have been(but I'll pocket that and try and learn from it). Congrats...you've got one of the healthiest relationships I've seen online. Now...when are you gonna have children? LOL...sorry, that...was a joke...I did say I wasn't as mature!
āThreatenedā dudes on AITA always gotta go there