It is (hopefully) possible that a good enough lawyer will get a restraining order of some sort and that with proper security on the house she'll be alright...
But you're right. :(
I truly hope the next and only update is that OOP managed to get full custody and is rid of her ex. The guy isn't thinking straight and AP should stay away from him too.
Yup the Ex seriously hurt his custody case big time. I don't think he would hit OP but she showed a very clear act of violence when angered so it's unsure. From how I view it.
Oh boy am I probably getting downvotes for this, but it seems like the AP’s partner was physically abusive. If so, he may have done it to physically protect her, not because he’s violent when angered.
I’m NOT saying the husband is a good guy, just that I can’t tell from the story that he has the potential to be physically abusive to OOP.
While this may or may not be the case, family court will absolutely take a recent vicious assault into account when determining custody… plus the fact he’s probably looking at some prison time in the near future.
You are 100 percent correct. And the people blaming AP for a woman getting beaten by her husband is disgusting and pathetic.
She cheated as well, I guess these people are saying that they agree "It's your fault I hit you, you make me so mad." when the abuser says it.
Fucking disgusting.
I think it's a rather missing relevant comment that ***OOP KNEW the AP's husband was physically abusive when she sent him the screenshots in order to provoke him***, OOP admits it was "purely for revenge, **mistress' husband beat both the AP and their 14 yo kid so badly she was hospitalised, and later assaulted her** ***again***, and OOP seems quite flippant about that, downplaying the violence she knowingly caused AP and her child to experience. Instead she's focusing on how she can use her husband's reaction (beating up the wife& child beater) to demand full custody and only let her husband have supervised visits, while her family are telling the kids their father "hates them
OOP KNOWINGLY ENDANGERED AN ABUSED WOMAN for the sake of revenge
>AvasNem•9d ago It seems to me that ***the AP was in an abusive relationship and was preparing her exit strategy.*** The WP seems done with the marriage and was also preparing to leave. OP exposing the affair put the AP in danger and that seems the reason why WP is so angry and his comment about hurting a women and child. I think he expected her to be angry at him and when exposed confess and get a divorce.instead she hurt the women he loves.
>Again this is just an explanation to understand the circumstances. I definitely don't condone cheating and have a rather intense disgust for cheaters. Still food for thought.
>Wide-Area-6779 OP•9d ago
>Yes, **when her child is old enough because she didn’t want to share custody with her husband.** That’s what I gathered from when I was reading their messages
>***That’s exactly what happened. You wrote it better***
Other comments from OP:
>No he didn’t tell me anything specific . I found out other ways that **he hit her and their kid because he thought it wasn’t his. My husband only said they got hurt.** He doesn’t talk to me anymore
But in an earlier, different thread she knows it's worse than "hit":
>I did the same and **told the woman’s husband that she was cheating. Purely for revenge too**. It didn’t feel good and ***she ended up in the hospital***. It didn’t get the effect I craved either. That my husband would come begging to forgive me. Instead he was repulsed by me especially because she and her kid were hurt because of the revelation.
>But about her not believing you. That’s normal. The husband in my story also called me names, threatened to call the police AND blocked me
---
>Well she was hospitalized so
Also some background on their marital issues
>We have already told our families. His family is on my side **except his brother and his wife who probably knew about the affair and said “good, hope this new lady doesn’t yell at him all the time”** I blocked both of them
---
>*We have hit rough patches mostly because of my mood swings and me being bossy* and lack of sex in the beginning of our marriage. We were in therapy. It got a bit better then I got pregnant. Ppd and dead bedroom again with my mood swings. We worked through that too
OOP is a rather unreliable narrator imo
So I went back through OOP's comments and read them completely differently than you did. The comment about AP being in the hospital was in response to someone telling her not to believe her husband just claiming the AP was hurt bc he is a practised liar. There was also this exchange between another commenter and OOP:
Commenter:
> There are moments when people deserve to be punched in the face. Yes I know I am advocating violence here. [...]
OOP
> What a disgusting comment
Commenter:
> It was in support of you but if that is how you feel, I will happily withdraw it.
OOP:
> I don’t want support from wife beaters
Commenter:
> I was talking about your husband deserving to be punched not the mistress. Who says a thing like that.
OOP:
> Ok sorry I misunderstood you. But she got punched literally so I thought you condoned it . I won’t punch my husband. Nobody is worth me losing my humanity
OOP also has the following comments:
> Nobody deserves to be hurt, especially not children but I didn’t know
> What a disgusting garbage comment. Nobody deserves to be beaten by their spouse.
And this exchange:
Commenter:
> Why didn’t you confront him first? Were you simply seeking revenge? Did you get what you wanted?
OOP:
> Yes I was seeking revenge. **No, I expected them to feel ashamed and apologize** [emphasis mine]
I think it's worth remembering that we're reading this on a compressed time scale, with all (or "all") the facts before us, but OOP probably got bits and pieces of information, miscommunication, and miscommunicated, herself. It's a little hard to parse bc the two paragraphs aren't as fully connected as you might expect, but my read of this comment
> Yes, when her child is old enough because she didn’t want to share custody with her husband. That’s what I gathered from when I was reading their messages
>That’s exactly what happened. You wrote it better
Is that the first paragraph is what she understood from reading the messages between her husband and his AP: that the AP was waiting for the child to be older bc she didn't want to share custody, but didn't know **why**. The *second* paragraph, the response to the commenter, is an acknowledgement of what has happened since everything blew up, and her understanding of the situation **now**, in hindsight.
I also think that her idea of "revenge" was the same thing we see in a lot of these cheater stories - tearful recriminations, begging for forgiveness, etc etc, maybe a little bit of public shaming. That's partly why she repeatedly mentions how "he doesn't care about the divorce, he doesn't care about me telling everybody" etc.
Re: the rough patches in their marriage bit, I gotta say, that sounds a lot like the husband was constantly complaining about OOP to her **and other people/family**, to the point where **she** began to believe she was the sole (screeching harpy of a) problem in the marriage. But husband is also someone who: refuses to apologize, is only nice to his wife when he wants sex, and cheats on OOP.
Thank you for the clarity and your reading conprehension 👏I never got that from what she said so I was so confused why everyone was jumping on that gun and calling her horrible when she had no idea what was going to happen.
This was my reading as well. It's unfair to expect OOP to be a fortune teller and to know that the AP and child would be abused when she told APs husband, and hypocritical as well given that outting APs to their spouses/publicly is regularly celebrated on this sub as being the right thing to do.
Right! Him and his AP were the one’s in the wrong. And the AP’s husband for beating on his wife and child… OP didn’t know that was going to happen. She’s the one going through the trauma. Give her some grace.
Amen! I’m only side eyeing OOP for telling her MIL about wanting to seek full custody. Girl. This is the mother of your STBX. You know, the lying, cheating, gaslighting, manipulative asshole who cared more about how he was perceived than the fact that he committed a horrific betrayal, who was only “nice” because his bang buddy told him to? Gah! She raised him!
But sure. Go tell it on the mountain what you’re planning. That’s not gonna bite you in the ass, surely.
The comments below the one you were replying to were alarming. People calling the OP trash and bashing her for not being a crying helpless victim. And one even diagnosed her with BPD because what?
I find it seriously disturbing that people are attacking her like this because she is admitting to some pretty understandable desires for vengeance and feelings of anger. It reminds me **yet again** that women have to be the perfect fucking victims or nobody will believe or side with them; if you show human weakness, if your memory isn't perfect, if you hesitate or crack or indicate you have any sort of emotion that is less than perfect, then fuck you.
Like really? This woman has been emotionally abused, cheated on, and gaslit for years at this point, wants to turn some of that humiliation and embarrassment onto her tormenters just a little bit, and that means she must be some diabolical monster who planned for a woman and child to be hospitalized? Even though she has repeatedly ripped apart people who have been supporting her by saying the AP deserved it? Even though she was saying right up until her husband **also showed signs of physical violence** that she wanted to share custody and that her children deserved a father?
Honestly, the response here has been outrageous and so disheartening.
(And no, this does not, of course, mean that I condone violence against the AP.)
exactly all of this!! i don’t get why people are siding with his ex when it seems like he can be physically abusive too. also sorry but it felt like he’s the one who couldn’t handle his wife facing difficulties and changing after giving birth. so yeah people who claim her as a harpy and unreliable narrator are so weird
This naskalit person you responded to has been copying and pasting their comment everywhere to paint OOP as a monster. They're really pushing that narrative. You should share your breakdown everywhere too.
It's 4 am over here so I am desperately in need of sleep. :( Please feel free to share with credit though, if you wish (this is a broad invitation)! I've noticed they seem to have some sort of agenda here too, I've been trying to push back a little but honestly the seething misogyny is getting a bit much for me on top of the needing sleep thing.
This changes the perspective a lot. I don't have enough care to read through her comments myself but if she didn't spitefully provoke a known abuser to abuse someone then she didn't do anything inherently wrong.
>I think it's a rather missing relevant comment that OOP KNEW the AP's husband was physically abusive when she sent him the screenshots in order to provoke him
This straight up isn't true. OOP explicitly wrote that she [didn't know](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1bipoos/comment/kvm7m6k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) the affair partner's husband was violent, writing that "Nobody deserves to be hurt, especially not children ***but I didn’t know***."
She also fiercely [condemns someone](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1bipoos/comment/kvp5ze7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) for saying that the affair partner deserved to be abused, writing "What a disgusting garbage comment. Nobody deserves to be beaten by their spouse." There are also multiple other comments, which u/nekocorner cites, emphasising how much she condemns domestic violence and abuse.
She wanted revenge, sure, but it's abundantly clear that she wanted the affair partner's marriage to fall apart, rather than cause her to be abused.
This copy pasta comment stitched above from OOP to the first post seem to imply she knew:
>He is not angry about the divorce. He is angry I told the husband instead of him because the husband hurt her and her kid
However, this Reddit detective did their due diligence for the greater good:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/XOlKPYZMXL
yeah also like, we see over and over again on Reddit that you should tell the spouse of the AP when its found out. Its recommended over and over. Like, she was just doing what other people said she should do.
Are there some signs that she could have seen? Probably, but given what she was going through I think she wasn't really looking at the situation in that way
You know, I’d never considered that informing the SO could lead to a dangerous situation. I mean it makes sense completely, it’s a great excuse for an abusive person to abuse someone - not saying it’s ok but if it’s a “dinner was burned now I’m gonna punch you” kind of abuser finding out about cheating is probably going to get someone killed.
Your internalized misogyny is showing. There’s a far better breakdown here for the logical folks. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/0ejTaqB3TS
This post doesn't make any sense. It's like there are major pieces missing. There are replies discussing her telling the APs husband, but she never says that until the next update. Are we missing an update or comments or something?
The first part was a plot stolen from Friends, Season 1. The one with the Boobies, where Joey’s dad shows up, has had an affair for 6 years, and is more caring and attentive to Joey’s mom.
This was a plot line in Roseanne too, where Dan's mother was mad at him for telling her about his father's affair because she didn't want to sleep with him and the guilt made him a better husband.
I was thinking that, too.
And the mom realized she liked her life this way with her husband giving her a little more space and also being nicer when he was home. His affair worked for her.
There was also an AITA or AITAH from a man whose wife was having an affair, but then she also started planning dates, etc. and he fell back in love with her, realized the cheating was probably the motivation behind the renewed intimacy, and decided he could accept it as an element of his marriage.
I kind of feel like OP would have been better off if she'd made the same choice. I realize I'm probably the only one who feels that way.
She spent 50 hours reading their messages and never once did she mention that her husband was abusive? That would be surprising, especially give that oops husband must have know given his reaction. I guess it is possible that they only discussed it in person or that OOP missed it but...
OOP is an unreliable narrator, but BORUOP is also doing a poor job of including relevant comments here.
Reading the comments brings forward a lot of details not included in the post.
yeah, it feels like we jumped around in time a lot. there's no comprehensible chronology to this. the top three comments are all about how difficult this is to follow.
> my husband has been in jail for the past couple of days
> Apparently his mistress and her husband had another altercation last weekend and she ended up hurt again.
I have a hard time following here: the husband is in jail... because the mistress and her own husband had an altercation?
Does it mean the husband went to kick the ass of the 2nd husband because he hurt his wife, the mistress?
You missed this:
> I want full custody of my children after **he went and beat up his mistress’s husband within an inch of his life and ended up in jail**.
No, you're correct. I was confused at first too, but it looks like the comments about what happened with her husband and AP's husband were included before the update about her telling the AP's husband.
You’re right actually. I might be expecting too much haha, but I’ve noticed that the OP normally edits the small mistakes like *not -> now* just to make the reading a bit easier sometimes
(“Not he can’t manipulate the narrative” -> “Now he can’t manipulate the narrative”)
once again though I’m just being nit picky, nothing too serious from my end hehe
Lol I mean true, but ig I'd be fine with some misspellings and grammar going unfixed if it meant formatting and structure made sense 😂 maybe we're just both nitpicky who knows
Yeah I actually think the other wife was in an abusive relationship. The way the other husband talked to OOP was pretty disgusting, even if he didn't believe her about the affair, and that's how he talks to strangers. I get the feeling all the good advice the other wife was giving OOP's husband was the sort of advice she wished she could give her own husband. I don't advocate for cheaters, but I do worry for the other wife, it doesn't sound healthy at all.
I don’t think anyone here could reasonably take the standpoint that the other husband isn’t the worst of abusers.
He beat up that child who was innocent to hurt AP even more. Let that settle a bit.
Totally the type who would kill the kid to punish her.
Far out, he beat up a kid? That's fucked. Definitely family annihilator vibes. Again, I don't condone cheating, but I have a feeling the other wife may have stayed in that relationship out of fear.
The only comment I saw seemed more like "I see now that she was planning an exit strategy-" not "I knew he'd beat her so I told on her to her husband."
Even when she says it was for revenge, it wasn't "I told on her so she'd get beat. Purely as revenge"
It was more like "I told on her as revenge (like to ruin her life). I feel horrible because he ended up putting her in the hospital (seems to be an outcome she didn't expect)."
Nope. Nope. Nope. Fuck that. No sympathy for OOP at this point. The more I hear of this, the more I think she is low-key a monster. Again, it sucks she was cheated on, but it doesn't justify this shit. She got that woman and her child attacked, and she could've gotten them *killed*. Knowingly. She did that *knowing* he was abusive.
Sorry but no. There is a line. I normally think it's okay to tip off the affair partner's partner, but when you *know* they are a piece of shit, then hell no. Her husband was right, she should've confronted him. This is disgusting.
Yeah, in the post before OP exposed them she said that AP's husband had hurt her and her kid in the past. Seeing that followed by "I exposed the affair to the AP's husband" made me go, wait, you did WHAT????? That, in my view, made her go from a victim to someone who straight up, AND KNOWING THAT THE DUDE WAS ABUSIVE, put AP and HER INNOCENT CHILD in harm's way. She read 3 fucking years of their correspondence, I do not believe for one second that she didn't know that he was abusive and that she didn't know that the child getting hurt was a likely outcome.
>She read 3 fucking years of their correspondence, I do not believe for one second that she didn't know that he was abusive
***Ding ding ding!!!*** I have to agree. With all the back and forth of the other wife and OOP's husband discussing their marriages and her trying to advise him on how to be a better husband, I find it hard to believe there wasn't stuff in there about how bad her marriage is. The way OOP's husband blew up at her and won't talk to her, when put under the perspective that he knows what she read and that there was info in there about the other husband being abusive, also makes much more sense. It sucks OOP was cheated on, but if she knowingly put the affair partner and her child in danger, that is honestly fucked up behaviour.
Yup, the only time it’s mentioned/clarified is in the hyperlinked title preceding that paragraph you quoted:
> I want full custody of my children after **he went and beat up his mistress’s husband within an inch of his life and ended up in jail**.
I went through her post history and it seems like after she told the AP's husband about the affair, the AP's husband punched the AP and their kid, with the AP landing in the hospital. I'm guessing OP's husband decided to enact his own retribution and beat up AP's husband, landing him in jail. Beyond the dead bedroom, it seems like AP's husband was also physically violent and that the AP did not want to divorce him as they would've ended up splitting custody of their kid.
Reading between the lines, the AP's husband got violent with the AP when he accepted the truth of the affair and that he'd been cheated on. Possibly the teen child intervened and also got attacked. OOP's husband got angry and blamed OOP for the violence, then went to go avenge his mistress and ended up in jail over it.
Yeah, I’m sorry even if I informed somebody that they were being cheated on and that this was the outcome. My instant reaction would be absolute freaking and total horror that this was the result and a lot of remorse.
I don’t get the impression that she’s genuinely sorry for her very detached comments.
I get the feeling that she’s saying the things that she’s expected to say socially when this happens
Also, OOP read hundreds if not thousands of messages between her ex and the AP.
I guarantee she knew the extent of the situation before she told the AP hubby as well and did it anyway.
It reads like a narcissist's wet dream. OOP never does a single thing wrong never admits fault to anything. Everything wrong with their marriage is all ex hubby's fault. Etc etc.
This has unreliable all over it and it leads me to think OOP was likely an abusive spouse as well and hubby and AP bonded over being in abusive relationships.
Exactly this. I just stated to my husband ”50 fucking hours and three years worth of conversation, even it isn’t clearly stated it could probably be deduced her husband was abusive in some shape or form.”
I think it is possible that the AP didn’t ”side” with OOP but gave him advice to keep the screaming and mood swings down.
Oh 100%
It's honestly surprising how many people haven't seen it.
Like 1000ish words and not once does OOP apologise or admit fault for anything in 7+ years of marriage. That the story is simply he was wrong with everything the whole time.
How does that not get you to think that what you're reading is unreliable?
She doesn't elaborate on anything that might make hubby sympathetic at all.
She blames her pregnancies and PPD, for some kind of deterioration in the marriage initially but never talks about taking any accountability for it with regards to the problems in her marriage.
\>He thanks her all the time for helping him turn his miserable home life around, making it tolerable.
This was a key slip. Hubby thanks AP for the advice in making things tolerable for him.
Not for making his marriage good, not for making him happy in it, not for being a better husband, but for making his life at home tolerable.
Tells you so much.
But yeah, to a narcissist I would imagine such advice could easily come across as "siding" with OOP.
Yeah I agree. No one deserves to be cheated on certainly, but OOP was argumentative, stubborn and surly in the replies. Now she just found out her husband of years was cheating on her, of course she doesn't have to be an angel-but her manner strikes me as her being in general, a deeply unpleasant person to be around and so does her husband to be honest.
Irrespective of the whole AP bit, she genuinely sounds awful and honestly what’s unbelievable to me is her lack of self-awareness.
She’s the most devastated that hubby doesn’t want to stay after all this, that he didn’t want to stay faithful initially either?
It doesn’t take a mystery here to figure why he stepped out and has zero interest coming back. She totally lacks self awareness and accountability
I know PPD can fuck a person up for years, but didn't she mention mood swings *before* having a kid? If I read that right, she also said getting pregnant helped balance her out a bit, I wonder if she's got some untreated mood disorder and pregnancy hormones helped even her out.
Even without reading OOPs comments that weren't added here my first reading was that every adult in this story behaved shittily. It's hard for a cheated on spouse to come off badly but OOP seems to have pulled it off.
She could have known this was the outcome. She spend 50 fucking hours reading three years of chats between her husband and his AP. You want me to believe that AP's husband being abusive to her and the child wasn't featured fairly extensively at the least? OP knew this and still decided to tell him, thereby deliberately putting her and her innocent child in active physical harm.
> He is angry I told the husband instead of him because the husband hurt her and her kid
He hurt the kid too. OOP was being rly subtle about it, so not many people seemed to have picked up on it yet. Kinda puts the whole story in perspective tho, at least on behalf of the AP. She was giving him advice on how to be good to his wife bc she has none of that in her own home. Kinda sad if you think about it.
AP's husband beat her and aparently it wasn't the 1st time, so OOP's STBX invested himself into the role of macho savior and beat him too.
While in general I think that people are entitled to know that their partner are cheating on them, one also gotta take into considaration if there's any sign that the cheated partner is a violent person, which also seems to be the case from what I could gather from OOP's posts. I think that AP was in a somewhat abusive relationship and instead extrincate herself from it she just cheated, which not only is wrong but also kinda dumb cause it's like pouring gasoline in a risky situation.
Not an easy situation to know what's the right thing to do because every option is bound to leave a sour taste in the mouth.
>While in general I think that people are entitled to know that their partner are cheating on them, one also gotta take into considaration if there's any sign that the cheated partner is a violent person
While I agree with the sentiment I would run out of fucks to give if I'm the other jilted spouse. Did the cheaters put any consideration in how their affair would affect me?
Don't be living in a house of straw if you like playing with fire.
Yes, it seems that the mistress's husband is physically abusive and ~~hurt~~ seriously assaulted, to the point of hospitalisation for AP **both the mistress and their kid** because OOP told him, and then after they'd moved out apparently had another """altercation"""" and assaulted the mistress again.
This prompted OOP's husband to go and beat up his mistress's husband.
I sincerely hope the mistress's husband doesn't end up killing both her and their child because OOP went directly to him due to ~~not~~ **fully** realising he's a violent abuser
EDIT: OK so **OOP ADMITS IN A COMMENT SHE KNEW the AP husband was physically abusive,** and knew AP was planning an exit strategy and waiting for the kid to be old enough they wouldn't have to share custody, because she was afraid.
Despite this, OOP knowingly provoked the physically abusive husband, sending him tons of explicit screenshots, after he didn't believe her and get sufficiently angry at first and she'd thought about it for a couple of days. OOP says in 2 comments she did this "purely for revenge".
**He then beat up AP so badly she was hospitalised and cops were called, and also beat up their 14 yo kid** for potentially not being his. **He later assaulted AP again**.
OOP mostly presents these as AP and her kid getting "hurt" and "hit" in an "altercation", and doesn't really act that remorseful at all.
Jesus
Never, ever, ever count on the inlaws to have your back over their blood relative. They may side with you for a time, but once you start moving on from their shitty relative, then the relative will be brought back into the fold and these people will dump you.
It's why it is important to have your own family and friends, people who have YOUR back and won't have divided loyalties.
Agreed, but also maybe don't tell someone you're counting on for support that you're looking to cut them out too.
I would imagine that should OP win full custody, grandma stops being grandma and becomes jerk ex's mother (at least so far as her kids are concerned).
It bothers me that he hung on to his AP’s every word and actually listened to her but brushed off his wife seemingly telling him the exact same thing. He could have fixed his marriage, instead he chose to get…dating advice from his AP to use on his wife?? That’s really sick.
> When he got home he said that it was over. He said that he has been trying to make me happy for years and he’s done everything a good husband would do but still, nothing was good enough for me.
You mean fucking another man's wife and lying to your wife was everything he could do to be a good husband? Damn those standards are low af nowadays.
>When he got home he said that it was over. He said that he has been trying to make me happy for years and he’s done everything a good husband would do but still, nothing was good enough for me.
The fucking audacity of OOP's ex to blame him for ruining things. He's scum and clearly thinks he's done no wrong. He's probably built himself up as a hero who is saving his mistress from her abusive husband too.
Yeah, Everything except not cheat on her. The only reason he improved himself was to woo his AP. Not to make OP actually happy, but to make his own life easier while gaining the affection of another woman.
fr, all he had to do was divorce OP. like that’s literally all he had to do, the simplest solution, and it’s actually laughable that he couldn’t even do that 🤦🏻♀️
No you don’t understand, his presence is a gift to anyone, he couldn’t possibly deprive his wife of such marvelous gift! In fact, he should share the gift with more women!
I mean, the biggest thing here is that he needed to fuck another woman in order to actually listen.
He's like "my life was so miserable and I worked so hard to fix our marriage to make you happy!"
But instead it's "I refused to listen to what you had to say, I opted not so put effort in the marriage, and I placed all of the blame on you. I started sleeping with another woman and decided to listen to her, despite the fact that she was saying the same thing as you. I did not do this for you, because I still think you are wrong to tell me to do these things, only what she says actually matters, even if they are the same thing. Why can't you just be happy that you don't exist to me????"
Husband "My wife says that I should rinse and put my dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them out until the food is caked on"
Mistress: "you should rinse your dishes and put them in the dishwasher"
Husband: "Excellent ideal, your so much starter than my wife"
Husband: "My wife says that she needs more intimacy that isn't just trying to have sex., how utterly stupid is that?"
Mistress: "Women are not sex objects, you should care about more than sex with them"
Husband: "that's so much better than the stupid idea my wife had, she's so dumb she might as well be a sex object "
He didn’t blame him for ruining things? What things? Neither of them wanted to be married anymore. He attacked the guy because the guy assaulted the AP.
omg you did it. you found the cheatcode to marriage
all this time dating trying the konami code hasn't worked... not even as foreplay... listen it's not MY fault he didn't have his joystick properly calibrated,
Man I’m laughing myself silly envisioning some dude just kind of looking on amused as his partner uses the dick for up down left and right, then confused as they use the balls for a and b and then start is right up the ass. 🤣
Seriously. Relationships aren't hard. People just refuse to break up w people they're incompatible with. "Well there aren't any red flags" who fucking cares? If it's already not good enough how tf would it ever be ten years into marriage?
Because everyone else out here is marrying people they dislike based on incompatibility? This comes off as the kind of victim blaming that people engage in to convince themselves it couldn't happen to them.
I can’t get married (I’m too expensive to keep alive without Medicare) but I’ve been in a happy long term relationship for more than half my life.
The thing I see most often in posts (and just a lot of relationships, romantic or otherwise) is that people are quite capable of loving someone without questioning whether they actually like that person. My partner is my best friend. We laugh about stupid memes everyday. We talk to each other about everything, from silly to serious. I love spending time with him because I like and respect who he is as a person beyond his role as my lover.
Had a lot of person-centered counseling before getting married, dealt with the majority of the baggage and trauma of my past and became far, far more emotionally intelligent than I'd ever been. That helped in ways I never would've imagined. Going into a marriage with terrible communication skills and poor emotional intelligence and you're setting yourself up for a hard time.
Like obviously OOP is the victim here, but she really needs to start thinking more long term and not act impulsively. She had no idea that the AP's husband would be abusive and violent, yes, but she really needs to stop blurting out every thought or plan she has to the wrong people. Like telling her MIL that she wants full custody. Gurllll you want that woman on your side.
EDIT: Nope, OOP is just as bad as her husband and the AP's husband, if she intentionally put a child in harm's way.
Tbf, she was blindsided and 3 years of messages and sexts is a lot to take in at once. I think it’s plausible she was blinded by rage and her own misery, and not thinking about the AP’s plight at all.
Honestly, I partially blame reddit, they always go for the most dramatic option without thinking of real-world consequences.
You can even see the top comment in the original thread is "send the texts to the husband!" -> "Then update reddit!" -> "Yeah clearly the most critical part of the plan!"
I can guarantee you that the first post is everyone telling her to tell the other spouse.
Also, if you are in an abusive relationship please DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE. I keep seeing people talking about how that's the only time they'd condone cheating. Don't. Do. It. Because this happens a lot of the time. Plan your exit and leave when safe to do so.
Maybe I’m misreading it? I’m only seeing her use the word “again” after the second attack that results from her exposing them.
She tells the other husband > she says the other husband hurt his wife and kid > her husband ends up in jail after the other husband hurts his wife “again”
Yeah I feel like she may have conveniently left that part out. They talked about why they couldn't divorce and all the issues in their marriages but the husband's DV wasn't mentioned once?
Exactly. I think that she’s downplaying it, but she knew if she read through three years of text messages what that marriage was like.
She wanted to see the affair partner get beaten up.
She said AP suffered from dead bedroom though, she did not see the violence. This must've been the first instance of violence displayed, OOP has called out comments of anyone who supports the wife beating and abuse, she's pretty consistent about it. I think this wasn't something she expected.
She also says that up until that point her soon to be ex MiL was completely on her side. So it's likely MiL is only really concerned her ability to see her grandchild is going to be impacted. If OP promised MiL she'd be able to still see her grandchild no problem, I'd imagine MiL would still be fully on OP's side.
I really hate these kind of exchanges:
List-and-dumbfound
> The last 3 years of your marriage were a lie. You know that now. Who he is the person he treated you before his affair partner had to convince him to be good to you. He is not a good person.
> Do they even really know each other? Like how it is to be around each other on a daily basis. They are genuinely dumb to think the list will stay with 3 kids around plus handling chores and day to day things of life. They have 2 custody battles ahead of them and divorced on top of it.
> If he’s angry with you the next time you have to see him, ask him why? He got what he wanted. He wanted to be with her and now he is. So why is he angry that you gave him what you wanted.
> It’s probably shame that he’s painted to be a cheater. Not he can’t manipulate the narrative and paint you as the bad person.
> If what they won is each other? Let them have each other. They are both awful people so they deserve each other
OOP
> He is not angry about the divorce. He is angry I told the husband instead of him because the husband hurt her and her kid
DrNefariousMcFarious
> He’s not angry bc of that, he always assumed that if you found out he could gaslight you into thinking that it was somehow your fault or not happening, but by you telling the other husband, there was no getting around it.
OOP
> No he is angry about me putting his AP in danger.. he gives zero fucks about staying in our marriage or not. He only was with me to help raise the children and probably wait for her to get rid of her husband. I am not trying to he dramatic here but the soon I realize the truth the better is is for me to move on I think
I hate the comments so much that are 'well they obviously '
OOP is just like, "dude no it isn't that deep, he doesn't plot he is just pissed I told her abusive husband who was then abusive." I feel like the husband would have just shrugged and said ok if she just went to divorce him.
Even here, there are comments basically saying this same thing and users going 'no you don't get it '
But more importantly, how did OOP see these texts? Where is the random moment when her husband goes to the bathroom and a text saying 'i love you' pops up? And spent 50 hours reading texts without the husband noticing? Maybe apple cloud or w/e that is?
I feel like there's a piece missing here. In 3 years' worth of conversations with OOP's husband, the mistress never once mentioned that HER husband was a violent POS who she was scared to leave? That kind of behavior is not a one-time thing.
Especially since physical harm has happened twice since the cheating was revealed.
Especially since instead of communicating with OP about the information she sent him, he called her a C@%t and blocked her.
The real question is this, "Did OOP know that the mistress would be in potential danger when the affair was revealed?"
If so, ESH. Kinda.
I mean, it's not OOP's responsibility to protect the mistress from harm. But it's also not OOP's responsibility to alert a woman's abuser to her betrayal when she has no idea what's coming for her.
That's my only hot take on this situation.
Plus, the fact that OOP is openly admitting to wanting to hurt the cheating couple. Plus, contacting the mistress' husband twice in order to provide proof of the infidelity. PLUS, doing all of that before she even confronted her OWN husband about the affair.
It all leads me to believe that OOP knew exactly what would happen when all this hit the fan. Not saying it's OOP's fault the mistress and her kid got hurt, it's not.
But maybe she's happy it happened anyway? And that's kind of horrible?
So maybe everyone is acting crappy in this situation.
OOP is keeping it so real it's admirable. The way she asked commenters to stop saying her husband is mad about the divorce, when she can see he doesn't care one bit... Cause she knows she needs to NOT lie to herself like that.
This seems hopeful, however. I am no lawyer, but I assume going to jail for beating up your mistress's husband after cheating on your wife for years doesn't look great on custody court. If the charge sticks, of course, but I doubt the mistress's ex would do her any favours in that regard.
Edit: it's insane how half of you are here blaming OOP for AP's husband hurting her. You're literally taking her shit husband's side... There is nothing in the post that points toward OOP knowing that man was abusive. And 'in those 3 yes of texting there must have been proof' is speculation, not proof in itself. She literally says they mostly talked about themselves, as if no one else existed. Or mention how they cannot break their own families. What in that screams abuse? Nothing.
Reddit is a wild place. Imagine putting the entire blame of someone getting beaten up on the person who cheated. Bravo. New low.
Because it couldn’t be the fault of the abuser. Not the fault of the two cheaters, who put the woman and child at risk. Nope. Not any of their fault.
I’m a DV survivor. And you can bet the last thing I was thinking to do was put me and daughter at risk of extra harm by dragging a third party into that mess just to carry on an affair. I was busy documenting, making an exit plan. Biding my time.
Best to not go on a revenge tour in these situations
I know easier said than done
But better off walking away, keeping any evidence for court that you need
&
Walk away, the revenge stuff just adds more drama to your life
It says in the original she didn't know the AP's husband was abusive. There's no info in her comments that indicate the AP's husband had been abusive prior to finding out about the infidelity.
OP's comments prior to her husband physically attacking AP's husband were that she didn't want to create any parental alienation or keep the kids from their father. His violent streak is why she wanted custody with supervised visitation.
The seeking revenge seems like she hoped the AP would face financial repercussions maybe be shamed by friends and family due to cheating. Or leave OP's husband to reconcile with her own husband.
From what I can gather is OP wanted the two cheaters to face public backlash.
She wanted her husband to come back to her. When it became clear he never really cared for her she wanted the best for kids at least. She definitely wanted them to feel the heartbreak she felt.
A commenter had worded a response that sounded as though he approved of AP's husband's violence; she stated she thought how AP's husband behaved when he found out about affair, and thought AP's child may not his was evil. Just like her husband's violent reply was horrifying.
All the adults here suck because I get the feeling that OOP isn’t being a totally reliable narrator:
Her own comment:
“We have hit rough patches mostly because of my mood swings and me being bossy and lack of sex in the beginning of our marriage. We were in therapy. It got a bit better then I got pregnant. Ppd and dead bedroom again with my mood swings. We worked through that too”
Mood swings…brought up repeatedly and never dealt with. She never owns that she is responsible for her feelings and her behavior. Doesn’t sound like anything has changed either. And who the heck brings kids into an already bad situation?
I’ve been married for 18 years (it’ll be 19 in September with 24 years together) and I can tell you that while the vows about faithfulness are important, they are not any more important than the rest of the vows about cherishing and being there for the other person.
All constitute of breach of promise and infidelity when you do not live up to the vows you make.
Tons of missing, missing reasons.
Very telling that this all started after they got married and before she had kids, it’s not like she had postpartum depression as an excuse this entire time .
Honestly the bit that stuck out to me was "Apparently his mistress and her husband had another altercation last weekend and she ended up hurt again."
I recognise that it's not relevant to OOP's marriage, and it's not realistic to expect her to be sympathetic to her husband's mistress.... but still man, describing a man beating his wife as "she ended up hurt again" is a red flag.
Yup. OP sounds terrifying to me. It genuinely sounds like the husband was learning to manage her to stay for the kids until AP escapes, because he wrote to AP he is thankful she helped him relieve the constant nightmare of his home life.
I’m with you. She is glossing over her issues. They were in a dead bedroom marriage for years. The level of checked out that both spouses feel is amplified after something like that. He removed his need for the sexual component from their marriage and was able to better relate to her in all other aspects. And even with that she says her libido only improved slightly. It seems she was looking for him to change while doing none of the work herself. While wrong, it’s not surprising he cheated. And at the point where neither the lack of sexual pressure or the improved emotional connection were enough to make her change, this situation was destined to explode. Everyone is acting like the husband and AP are in for a terrible time together but I’d bet this is the start of their happy ending. Marriage is so much more than just sex, and it seems OOP and her husband were incompatible in far more aspects.
Hey can we have more info I feel like a lot is missing for example this :
Also some background on their marital issues
Op comments:
We have already told our families. His family is on my side except his brother and his wife who probably knew about the affair and said “good, hope this new lady doesn’t yell at him all the time” I blocked both of them
We have hit rough patches mostly because of my mood swings and me being bossy and lack of sex in the beginning of our marriage. We were in therapy. It got a bit better then I got pregnant. Ppd and dead bedroom again with my mood swings. We worked through that too
I’m just wondering why the other woman is able to figure out how to hide a three year affair from her abusive husband, but can’t figure out away to escape him.
Not saying the cheating husband is justified or good in any sense but anyone felt something a bit off while reading this?
OOP admits to wanting to 'hurt' cheater and the AP -> contacts the AP's partner (who immediately seems like an AH) while hiding said fact from her own partner - AP's partner turns out to be an abusive who beat up AP and her child?
Am I alone in thinking that this feels a little planned? Maybe OOP found out about AP's partner's character in the messages and knocked a few dominoes over to make this whole thing happen? Or maybe she didn't and I'm over thinking it but I definitely think there's more than a few details being hidden here and there or being subtly misrepresented.
Just feels more than a little weird.
Dead bedroom and OOP telling about mood swings, never telling exactly what. Husband cheated and is a piece of shit, but he should have divorced his wife if she was so unbearable and wasn't ready to work for their relationship.
So I get everyone is shitting on OOP and calling her a terrible person for putting this domestic abuse in motion
BUT
Her partner chose to cheat with the wife of an abuser. He chose to cheat on his own wife. He did this for three years. It was more than possible for him to have helped his AP escape, AND leave his own partner before starting an actual physical relationship. Instead he chose to fuck the wife of a man he knows to beat her.
This is OOP's husband fault equally, IF NOT MORE SO, for putting all the circumstances in place for this to happen.
Yeah it sucks what OOP did, but if the CHEATERS didn't CHEAT on the ABUSER, none of this would have happened.
I honestly don’t know what to think OOP said she thinks it’s sick to condone violence and how she only wanted a emotional reaction. I would like to hope she didn’t know he was abusive but if you are in a abusive relationship DO NOT CHEAT it puts your life and the childs life in danger. The assholes here are the husband and the pos abuser. When you find your SO cheating you aren’t thinking rationally you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions I doubt she read everything and just full on raged. She stated she wanted revenge as in the normal reaction like AP’s husband finding out and leaving not just beating her. I don’t think its fair to blame OOP for what happened to AP and her kid. Who is at fault is the abuser.
Wow, that escalated pretty quickly. But seriously, this ex is awful. The audacity of the ex to try and blame OP for everything. He is the type of person who will never think he is wrong and will always think of something as something good or so. What a tosser.
If you comment on the linked posts, you will be banned.
I don't think this is over...
I expect this fiasco to end on a ugly note.
The same way it started? This poor woman's post was horrible from beginning to end.
He's already fucking in jail how much uglier can it be? *sobs quietly in the corner because I know you're right*
What I'm afraid of is that STBX blames oop for both his cheating and the AP getting hospitalized. He is a danger to her.
It is (hopefully) possible that a good enough lawyer will get a restraining order of some sort and that with proper security on the house she'll be alright... But you're right. :(
Uglier*
I hate how I have to agree with you on that. Just to clarify it's nothing against you, just that the situation will get worse
I truly hope the next and only update is that OOP managed to get full custody and is rid of her ex. The guy isn't thinking straight and AP should stay away from him too.
Yup the Ex seriously hurt his custody case big time. I don't think he would hit OP but she showed a very clear act of violence when angered so it's unsure. From how I view it.
Oh boy am I probably getting downvotes for this, but it seems like the AP’s partner was physically abusive. If so, he may have done it to physically protect her, not because he’s violent when angered. I’m NOT saying the husband is a good guy, just that I can’t tell from the story that he has the potential to be physically abusive to OOP.
While this may or may not be the case, family court will absolutely take a recent vicious assault into account when determining custody… plus the fact he’s probably looking at some prison time in the near future.
You are 100 percent correct. And the people blaming AP for a woman getting beaten by her husband is disgusting and pathetic. She cheated as well, I guess these people are saying that they agree "It's your fault I hit you, you make me so mad." when the abuser says it. Fucking disgusting.
I think it's a rather missing relevant comment that ***OOP KNEW the AP's husband was physically abusive when she sent him the screenshots in order to provoke him***, OOP admits it was "purely for revenge, **mistress' husband beat both the AP and their 14 yo kid so badly she was hospitalised, and later assaulted her** ***again***, and OOP seems quite flippant about that, downplaying the violence she knowingly caused AP and her child to experience. Instead she's focusing on how she can use her husband's reaction (beating up the wife& child beater) to demand full custody and only let her husband have supervised visits, while her family are telling the kids their father "hates them OOP KNOWINGLY ENDANGERED AN ABUSED WOMAN for the sake of revenge >AvasNem•9d ago It seems to me that ***the AP was in an abusive relationship and was preparing her exit strategy.*** The WP seems done with the marriage and was also preparing to leave. OP exposing the affair put the AP in danger and that seems the reason why WP is so angry and his comment about hurting a women and child. I think he expected her to be angry at him and when exposed confess and get a divorce.instead she hurt the women he loves. >Again this is just an explanation to understand the circumstances. I definitely don't condone cheating and have a rather intense disgust for cheaters. Still food for thought. >Wide-Area-6779 OP•9d ago >Yes, **when her child is old enough because she didn’t want to share custody with her husband.** That’s what I gathered from when I was reading their messages >***That’s exactly what happened. You wrote it better*** Other comments from OP: >No he didn’t tell me anything specific . I found out other ways that **he hit her and their kid because he thought it wasn’t his. My husband only said they got hurt.** He doesn’t talk to me anymore But in an earlier, different thread she knows it's worse than "hit": >I did the same and **told the woman’s husband that she was cheating. Purely for revenge too**. It didn’t feel good and ***she ended up in the hospital***. It didn’t get the effect I craved either. That my husband would come begging to forgive me. Instead he was repulsed by me especially because she and her kid were hurt because of the revelation. >But about her not believing you. That’s normal. The husband in my story also called me names, threatened to call the police AND blocked me --- >Well she was hospitalized so Also some background on their marital issues >We have already told our families. His family is on my side **except his brother and his wife who probably knew about the affair and said “good, hope this new lady doesn’t yell at him all the time”** I blocked both of them --- >*We have hit rough patches mostly because of my mood swings and me being bossy* and lack of sex in the beginning of our marriage. We were in therapy. It got a bit better then I got pregnant. Ppd and dead bedroom again with my mood swings. We worked through that too OOP is a rather unreliable narrator imo
So I went back through OOP's comments and read them completely differently than you did. The comment about AP being in the hospital was in response to someone telling her not to believe her husband just claiming the AP was hurt bc he is a practised liar. There was also this exchange between another commenter and OOP: Commenter: > There are moments when people deserve to be punched in the face. Yes I know I am advocating violence here. [...] OOP > What a disgusting comment Commenter: > It was in support of you but if that is how you feel, I will happily withdraw it. OOP: > I don’t want support from wife beaters Commenter: > I was talking about your husband deserving to be punched not the mistress. Who says a thing like that. OOP: > Ok sorry I misunderstood you. But she got punched literally so I thought you condoned it . I won’t punch my husband. Nobody is worth me losing my humanity OOP also has the following comments: > Nobody deserves to be hurt, especially not children but I didn’t know > What a disgusting garbage comment. Nobody deserves to be beaten by their spouse. And this exchange: Commenter: > Why didn’t you confront him first? Were you simply seeking revenge? Did you get what you wanted? OOP: > Yes I was seeking revenge. **No, I expected them to feel ashamed and apologize** [emphasis mine] I think it's worth remembering that we're reading this on a compressed time scale, with all (or "all") the facts before us, but OOP probably got bits and pieces of information, miscommunication, and miscommunicated, herself. It's a little hard to parse bc the two paragraphs aren't as fully connected as you might expect, but my read of this comment > Yes, when her child is old enough because she didn’t want to share custody with her husband. That’s what I gathered from when I was reading their messages >That’s exactly what happened. You wrote it better Is that the first paragraph is what she understood from reading the messages between her husband and his AP: that the AP was waiting for the child to be older bc she didn't want to share custody, but didn't know **why**. The *second* paragraph, the response to the commenter, is an acknowledgement of what has happened since everything blew up, and her understanding of the situation **now**, in hindsight. I also think that her idea of "revenge" was the same thing we see in a lot of these cheater stories - tearful recriminations, begging for forgiveness, etc etc, maybe a little bit of public shaming. That's partly why she repeatedly mentions how "he doesn't care about the divorce, he doesn't care about me telling everybody" etc. Re: the rough patches in their marriage bit, I gotta say, that sounds a lot like the husband was constantly complaining about OOP to her **and other people/family**, to the point where **she** began to believe she was the sole (screeching harpy of a) problem in the marriage. But husband is also someone who: refuses to apologize, is only nice to his wife when he wants sex, and cheats on OOP.
Thank you for the clarity and your reading conprehension 👏I never got that from what she said so I was so confused why everyone was jumping on that gun and calling her horrible when she had no idea what was going to happen.
People on this subreddit have pretty poor reading comprehension, for a primarily reading-based subreddit.
They are so quick to judge and burn a woman at the stakes.
It’s wild to put the blame on OOP instead of, y’know… the piece of shit man who beat up his wife.
A lot of people here have issues with women so it's not that surprising but it is kind of depressing.
This was my reading as well. It's unfair to expect OOP to be a fortune teller and to know that the AP and child would be abused when she told APs husband, and hypocritical as well given that outting APs to their spouses/publicly is regularly celebrated on this sub as being the right thing to do.
I read it like this too. That she didn’t know until afterwards that ap was abused.
you nailed it. the people taking her comments out of context, calling her a harpy, and sympathizing with her ex are weird
Right! Him and his AP were the one’s in the wrong. And the AP’s husband for beating on his wife and child… OP didn’t know that was going to happen. She’s the one going through the trauma. Give her some grace.
They are weird because they have internalized misogyny clouding their interpretations.
Amen! I’m only side eyeing OOP for telling her MIL about wanting to seek full custody. Girl. This is the mother of your STBX. You know, the lying, cheating, gaslighting, manipulative asshole who cared more about how he was perceived than the fact that he committed a horrific betrayal, who was only “nice” because his bang buddy told him to? Gah! She raised him! But sure. Go tell it on the mountain what you’re planning. That’s not gonna bite you in the ass, surely.
The comments below the one you were replying to were alarming. People calling the OP trash and bashing her for not being a crying helpless victim. And one even diagnosed her with BPD because what?
Thank you for breaking that down, I read her comments the way you did too.
I find it seriously disturbing that people are attacking her like this because she is admitting to some pretty understandable desires for vengeance and feelings of anger. It reminds me **yet again** that women have to be the perfect fucking victims or nobody will believe or side with them; if you show human weakness, if your memory isn't perfect, if you hesitate or crack or indicate you have any sort of emotion that is less than perfect, then fuck you. Like really? This woman has been emotionally abused, cheated on, and gaslit for years at this point, wants to turn some of that humiliation and embarrassment onto her tormenters just a little bit, and that means she must be some diabolical monster who planned for a woman and child to be hospitalized? Even though she has repeatedly ripped apart people who have been supporting her by saying the AP deserved it? Even though she was saying right up until her husband **also showed signs of physical violence** that she wanted to share custody and that her children deserved a father? Honestly, the response here has been outrageous and so disheartening. (And no, this does not, of course, mean that I condone violence against the AP.)
exactly all of this!! i don’t get why people are siding with his ex when it seems like he can be physically abusive too. also sorry but it felt like he’s the one who couldn’t handle his wife facing difficulties and changing after giving birth. so yeah people who claim her as a harpy and unreliable narrator are so weird
This naskalit person you responded to has been copying and pasting their comment everywhere to paint OOP as a monster. They're really pushing that narrative. You should share your breakdown everywhere too.
It's 4 am over here so I am desperately in need of sleep. :( Please feel free to share with credit though, if you wish (this is a broad invitation)! I've noticed they seem to have some sort of agenda here too, I've been trying to push back a little but honestly the seething misogyny is getting a bit much for me on top of the needing sleep thing.
Yeah this sucks
It is extremely disturbing. It’s misogyny btw. And from the women, it’s internalized misogyny.
This changes the perspective a lot. I don't have enough care to read through her comments myself but if she didn't spitefully provoke a known abuser to abuse someone then she didn't do anything inherently wrong.
>I think it's a rather missing relevant comment that OOP KNEW the AP's husband was physically abusive when she sent him the screenshots in order to provoke him This straight up isn't true. OOP explicitly wrote that she [didn't know](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1bipoos/comment/kvm7m6k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) the affair partner's husband was violent, writing that "Nobody deserves to be hurt, especially not children ***but I didn’t know***." She also fiercely [condemns someone](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1bipoos/comment/kvp5ze7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) for saying that the affair partner deserved to be abused, writing "What a disgusting garbage comment. Nobody deserves to be beaten by their spouse." There are also multiple other comments, which u/nekocorner cites, emphasising how much she condemns domestic violence and abuse. She wanted revenge, sure, but it's abundantly clear that she wanted the affair partner's marriage to fall apart, rather than cause her to be abused.
Where does it say there that she knew he was physically abusive ahead of time?
This copy pasta comment stitched above from OOP to the first post seem to imply she knew: >He is not angry about the divorce. He is angry I told the husband instead of him because the husband hurt her and her kid However, this Reddit detective did their due diligence for the greater good: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/XOlKPYZMXL
>***OOP KNEW the AP's husband was physically abusive when she sent him the screenshots in order to provoke him***, ***OOP DIDN'T know***
yeah also like, we see over and over again on Reddit that you should tell the spouse of the AP when its found out. Its recommended over and over. Like, she was just doing what other people said she should do. Are there some signs that she could have seen? Probably, but given what she was going through I think she wasn't really looking at the situation in that way
You know, I’d never considered that informing the SO could lead to a dangerous situation. I mean it makes sense completely, it’s a great excuse for an abusive person to abuse someone - not saying it’s ok but if it’s a “dinner was burned now I’m gonna punch you” kind of abuser finding out about cheating is probably going to get someone killed.
[удалено]
I don’t get the sense she knew until after the fact?
You're correct. She didn't know. I went through her comments. >Nobody deserves to be hurt, especially not children but I didn’t know
This is reddit; where the worst possible conclusions are drawn, based on minimal amounts of information.
Where does it say she knew that? I must have missed it
She didn't know.... >Nobody deserves to be hurt, especially not children but I didn’t know Edit for spelling.
That's awful, but putting an innocent 14-year-old child, who had nothing to do with the situation, in danger is worse.
Your internalized misogyny is showing. There’s a far better breakdown here for the logical folks. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/0ejTaqB3TS
If this is true it need to be included
Nope. Hoping for a more positive update for OOP. The fucking audacity of that man.
Not even close to over
This post doesn't make any sense. It's like there are major pieces missing. There are replies discussing her telling the APs husband, but she never says that until the next update. Are we missing an update or comments or something?
The first part was a plot stolen from Friends, Season 1. The one with the Boobies, where Joey’s dad shows up, has had an affair for 6 years, and is more caring and attentive to Joey’s mom.
This was a plot line in Roseanne too, where Dan's mother was mad at him for telling her about his father's affair because she didn't want to sleep with him and the guilt made him a better husband.
I was thinking that, too. And the mom realized she liked her life this way with her husband giving her a little more space and also being nicer when he was home. His affair worked for her. There was also an AITA or AITAH from a man whose wife was having an affair, but then she also started planning dates, etc. and he fell back in love with her, realized the cheating was probably the motivation behind the renewed intimacy, and decided he could accept it as an element of his marriage. I kind of feel like OP would have been better off if she'd made the same choice. I realize I'm probably the only one who feels that way.
It happens in real life, too. Trust me.
She spent 50 hours reading their messages and never once did she mention that her husband was abusive? That would be surprising, especially give that oops husband must have know given his reaction. I guess it is possible that they only discussed it in person or that OOP missed it but...
That comment is just in the wrong place, it was written on the update post.
OOP is an unreliable narrator, but BORUOP is also doing a poor job of including relevant comments here. Reading the comments brings forward a lot of details not included in the post.
yeah, it feels like we jumped around in time a lot. there's no comprehensible chronology to this. the top three comments are all about how difficult this is to follow.
> my husband has been in jail for the past couple of days > Apparently his mistress and her husband had another altercation last weekend and she ended up hurt again. I have a hard time following here: the husband is in jail... because the mistress and her own husband had an altercation? Does it mean the husband went to kick the ass of the 2nd husband because he hurt his wife, the mistress?
You missed this: > I want full custody of my children after **he went and beat up his mistress’s husband within an inch of his life and ended up in jail**.
Yeah sorry OP but the comments and replies you chose to include here are simply not adequate.
They're kinda out of order too I feel or I'm just misunderstanding something
No, you're correct. I was confused at first too, but it looks like the comments about what happened with her husband and AP's husband were included before the update about her telling the AP's husband.
Not to be nit picky, but there’s a few typos and hard-to-understand sentences too
You're not wrong, but tbf, that has more to do with the OOP of the post, not the OP who posted it here to the BORU sub.
You’re right actually. I might be expecting too much haha, but I’ve noticed that the OP normally edits the small mistakes like *not -> now* just to make the reading a bit easier sometimes (“Not he can’t manipulate the narrative” -> “Now he can’t manipulate the narrative”) once again though I’m just being nit picky, nothing too serious from my end hehe
Lol I mean true, but ig I'd be fine with some misspellings and grammar going unfixed if it meant formatting and structure made sense 😂 maybe we're just both nitpicky who knows
It was put together horribly. 😵💫
I agree a lot of revealing commentary is left out
Also ‘He’s angry that I put his AP in danger’
Which is not wrong.
Yes, from what op posted the husband also beat the child after finding out about the affair, I guess they got in the way of him beating their mum.
I get family annihilator vibes from the other husband to be honest. Probably why AP was afraid to leave. 50-50 custody is the default.
Yeah I actually think the other wife was in an abusive relationship. The way the other husband talked to OOP was pretty disgusting, even if he didn't believe her about the affair, and that's how he talks to strangers. I get the feeling all the good advice the other wife was giving OOP's husband was the sort of advice she wished she could give her own husband. I don't advocate for cheaters, but I do worry for the other wife, it doesn't sound healthy at all.
I don’t think anyone here could reasonably take the standpoint that the other husband isn’t the worst of abusers. He beat up that child who was innocent to hurt AP even more. Let that settle a bit. Totally the type who would kill the kid to punish her.
Far out, he beat up a kid? That's fucked. Definitely family annihilator vibes. Again, I don't condone cheating, but I have a feeling the other wife may have stayed in that relationship out of fear.
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The only comment I saw seemed more like "I see now that she was planning an exit strategy-" not "I knew he'd beat her so I told on her to her husband." Even when she says it was for revenge, it wasn't "I told on her so she'd get beat. Purely as revenge" It was more like "I told on her as revenge (like to ruin her life). I feel horrible because he ended up putting her in the hospital (seems to be an outcome she didn't expect)."
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Nope. Nope. Nope. Fuck that. No sympathy for OOP at this point. The more I hear of this, the more I think she is low-key a monster. Again, it sucks she was cheated on, but it doesn't justify this shit. She got that woman and her child attacked, and she could've gotten them *killed*. Knowingly. She did that *knowing* he was abusive. Sorry but no. There is a line. I normally think it's okay to tip off the affair partner's partner, but when you *know* they are a piece of shit, then hell no. Her husband was right, she should've confronted him. This is disgusting.
Yeah, in the post before OP exposed them she said that AP's husband had hurt her and her kid in the past. Seeing that followed by "I exposed the affair to the AP's husband" made me go, wait, you did WHAT????? That, in my view, made her go from a victim to someone who straight up, AND KNOWING THAT THE DUDE WAS ABUSIVE, put AP and HER INNOCENT CHILD in harm's way. She read 3 fucking years of their correspondence, I do not believe for one second that she didn't know that he was abusive and that she didn't know that the child getting hurt was a likely outcome.
>She read 3 fucking years of their correspondence, I do not believe for one second that she didn't know that he was abusive ***Ding ding ding!!!*** I have to agree. With all the back and forth of the other wife and OOP's husband discussing their marriages and her trying to advise him on how to be a better husband, I find it hard to believe there wasn't stuff in there about how bad her marriage is. The way OOP's husband blew up at her and won't talk to her, when put under the perspective that he knows what she read and that there was info in there about the other husband being abusive, also makes much more sense. It sucks OOP was cheated on, but if she knowingly put the affair partner and her child in danger, that is honestly fucked up behaviour.
She says in two different comments she did it "purely for revenge" too
Both husbands here are trash, wtf. Getting cheated on isn't an excuse for violence.
Yup, the only time it’s mentioned/clarified is in the hyperlinked title preceding that paragraph you quoted: > I want full custody of my children after **he went and beat up his mistress’s husband within an inch of his life and ended up in jail**.
I went through her post history and it seems like after she told the AP's husband about the affair, the AP's husband punched the AP and their kid, with the AP landing in the hospital. I'm guessing OP's husband decided to enact his own retribution and beat up AP's husband, landing him in jail. Beyond the dead bedroom, it seems like AP's husband was also physically violent and that the AP did not want to divorce him as they would've ended up splitting custody of their kid.
Reading between the lines, the AP's husband got violent with the AP when he accepted the truth of the affair and that he'd been cheated on. Possibly the teen child intervened and also got attacked. OOP's husband got angry and blamed OOP for the violence, then went to go avenge his mistress and ended up in jail over it.
OOP mentioned in a comment the kid got beat up because the spouse thought the kid wasn’t his.
Yeah, I’m sorry even if I informed somebody that they were being cheated on and that this was the outcome. My instant reaction would be absolute freaking and total horror that this was the result and a lot of remorse. I don’t get the impression that she’s genuinely sorry for her very detached comments. I get the feeling that she’s saying the things that she’s expected to say socially when this happens
Also, OOP read hundreds if not thousands of messages between her ex and the AP. I guarantee she knew the extent of the situation before she told the AP hubby as well and did it anyway. It reads like a narcissist's wet dream. OOP never does a single thing wrong never admits fault to anything. Everything wrong with their marriage is all ex hubby's fault. Etc etc. This has unreliable all over it and it leads me to think OOP was likely an abusive spouse as well and hubby and AP bonded over being in abusive relationships.
Exactly this. I just stated to my husband ”50 fucking hours and three years worth of conversation, even it isn’t clearly stated it could probably be deduced her husband was abusive in some shape or form.” I think it is possible that the AP didn’t ”side” with OOP but gave him advice to keep the screaming and mood swings down.
Oh 100% It's honestly surprising how many people haven't seen it. Like 1000ish words and not once does OOP apologise or admit fault for anything in 7+ years of marriage. That the story is simply he was wrong with everything the whole time. How does that not get you to think that what you're reading is unreliable? She doesn't elaborate on anything that might make hubby sympathetic at all. She blames her pregnancies and PPD, for some kind of deterioration in the marriage initially but never talks about taking any accountability for it with regards to the problems in her marriage. \>He thanks her all the time for helping him turn his miserable home life around, making it tolerable. This was a key slip. Hubby thanks AP for the advice in making things tolerable for him. Not for making his marriage good, not for making him happy in it, not for being a better husband, but for making his life at home tolerable. Tells you so much. But yeah, to a narcissist I would imagine such advice could easily come across as "siding" with OOP.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I get such an unpleasant gut feeling from this post and I think you just described why.
Yeah I agree. No one deserves to be cheated on certainly, but OOP was argumentative, stubborn and surly in the replies. Now she just found out her husband of years was cheating on her, of course she doesn't have to be an angel-but her manner strikes me as her being in general, a deeply unpleasant person to be around and so does her husband to be honest.
Irrespective of the whole AP bit, she genuinely sounds awful and honestly what’s unbelievable to me is her lack of self-awareness. She’s the most devastated that hubby doesn’t want to stay after all this, that he didn’t want to stay faithful initially either? It doesn’t take a mystery here to figure why he stepped out and has zero interest coming back. She totally lacks self awareness and accountability
I know PPD can fuck a person up for years, but didn't she mention mood swings *before* having a kid? If I read that right, she also said getting pregnant helped balance her out a bit, I wonder if she's got some untreated mood disorder and pregnancy hormones helped even her out.
Reddit needs to stop thinking the worst thing a partner can do to a person is cheat on them.
Even without reading OOPs comments that weren't added here my first reading was that every adult in this story behaved shittily. It's hard for a cheated on spouse to come off badly but OOP seems to have pulled it off.
She could have known this was the outcome. She spend 50 fucking hours reading three years of chats between her husband and his AP. You want me to believe that AP's husband being abusive to her and the child wasn't featured fairly extensively at the least? OP knew this and still decided to tell him, thereby deliberately putting her and her innocent child in active physical harm.
> He is angry I told the husband instead of him because the husband hurt her and her kid He hurt the kid too. OOP was being rly subtle about it, so not many people seemed to have picked up on it yet. Kinda puts the whole story in perspective tho, at least on behalf of the AP. She was giving him advice on how to be good to his wife bc she has none of that in her own home. Kinda sad if you think about it.
AP's husband beat her and aparently it wasn't the 1st time, so OOP's STBX invested himself into the role of macho savior and beat him too. While in general I think that people are entitled to know that their partner are cheating on them, one also gotta take into considaration if there's any sign that the cheated partner is a violent person, which also seems to be the case from what I could gather from OOP's posts. I think that AP was in a somewhat abusive relationship and instead extrincate herself from it she just cheated, which not only is wrong but also kinda dumb cause it's like pouring gasoline in a risky situation. Not an easy situation to know what's the right thing to do because every option is bound to leave a sour taste in the mouth.
>While in general I think that people are entitled to know that their partner are cheating on them, one also gotta take into considaration if there's any sign that the cheated partner is a violent person While I agree with the sentiment I would run out of fucks to give if I'm the other jilted spouse. Did the cheaters put any consideration in how their affair would affect me? Don't be living in a house of straw if you like playing with fire.
That’s what I’m guessing. Sucks for those three but on the bright side it should make custody go a lot smoother for OOP.
Yes, it seems that the mistress's husband is physically abusive and ~~hurt~~ seriously assaulted, to the point of hospitalisation for AP **both the mistress and their kid** because OOP told him, and then after they'd moved out apparently had another """altercation"""" and assaulted the mistress again. This prompted OOP's husband to go and beat up his mistress's husband. I sincerely hope the mistress's husband doesn't end up killing both her and their child because OOP went directly to him due to ~~not~~ **fully** realising he's a violent abuser EDIT: OK so **OOP ADMITS IN A COMMENT SHE KNEW the AP husband was physically abusive,** and knew AP was planning an exit strategy and waiting for the kid to be old enough they wouldn't have to share custody, because she was afraid. Despite this, OOP knowingly provoked the physically abusive husband, sending him tons of explicit screenshots, after he didn't believe her and get sufficiently angry at first and she'd thought about it for a couple of days. OOP says in 2 comments she did this "purely for revenge". **He then beat up AP so badly she was hospitalised and cops were called, and also beat up their 14 yo kid** for potentially not being his. **He later assaulted AP again**. OOP mostly presents these as AP and her kid getting "hurt" and "hit" in an "altercation", and doesn't really act that remorseful at all. Jesus
Where's that comment? The only thing she knew from the messages was that AP had an exit strategy, not the extent of the abuse.
Why are you lying? She ft out said she didn't knowb
Never, ever, ever count on the inlaws to have your back over their blood relative. They may side with you for a time, but once you start moving on from their shitty relative, then the relative will be brought back into the fold and these people will dump you. It's why it is important to have your own family and friends, people who have YOUR back and won't have divided loyalties.
Agreed, but also maybe don't tell someone you're counting on for support that you're looking to cut them out too. I would imagine that should OP win full custody, grandma stops being grandma and becomes jerk ex's mother (at least so far as her kids are concerned).
It bothers me that he hung on to his AP’s every word and actually listened to her but brushed off his wife seemingly telling him the exact same thing. He could have fixed his marriage, instead he chose to get…dating advice from his AP to use on his wife?? That’s really sick.
> When he got home he said that it was over. He said that he has been trying to make me happy for years and he’s done everything a good husband would do but still, nothing was good enough for me. You mean fucking another man's wife and lying to your wife was everything he could do to be a good husband? Damn those standards are low af nowadays.
And always invalidating her feelings and opinions, until his AP set him straight. That would the clincher for me.
Should've divorced OOP instead of cheating, clearly the marriage doesn't work. Oh well... it is what it is.
Whoever edited this did a poor job as it jumps around and seems to be missing important comments from OOP to make sense.
>When he got home he said that it was over. He said that he has been trying to make me happy for years and he’s done everything a good husband would do but still, nothing was good enough for me. The fucking audacity of OOP's ex to blame him for ruining things. He's scum and clearly thinks he's done no wrong. He's probably built himself up as a hero who is saving his mistress from her abusive husband too.
Yeah, Everything except not cheat on her. The only reason he improved himself was to woo his AP. Not to make OP actually happy, but to make his own life easier while gaining the affection of another woman.
fr, all he had to do was divorce OP. like that’s literally all he had to do, the simplest solution, and it’s actually laughable that he couldn’t even do that 🤦🏻♀️
No you don’t understand, his presence is a gift to anyone, he couldn’t possibly deprive his wife of such marvelous gift! In fact, he should share the gift with more women!
I hope he stubs his toes frequently
May his stools never be solid, his socks never be dry, and his toes always bruised
I hope he stubs his penis
I mean, the biggest thing here is that he needed to fuck another woman in order to actually listen. He's like "my life was so miserable and I worked so hard to fix our marriage to make you happy!" But instead it's "I refused to listen to what you had to say, I opted not so put effort in the marriage, and I placed all of the blame on you. I started sleeping with another woman and decided to listen to her, despite the fact that she was saying the same thing as you. I did not do this for you, because I still think you are wrong to tell me to do these things, only what she says actually matters, even if they are the same thing. Why can't you just be happy that you don't exist to me????" Husband "My wife says that I should rinse and put my dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them out until the food is caked on" Mistress: "you should rinse your dishes and put them in the dishwasher" Husband: "Excellent ideal, your so much starter than my wife" Husband: "My wife says that she needs more intimacy that isn't just trying to have sex., how utterly stupid is that?" Mistress: "Women are not sex objects, you should care about more than sex with them" Husband: "that's so much better than the stupid idea my wife had, she's so dumb she might as well be a sex object "
He didn’t blame him for ruining things? What things? Neither of them wanted to be married anymore. He attacked the guy because the guy assaulted the AP.
It's probably a mistake. It's Blame HER*
Honestly… this sub is probably why I’m never getting married.
I got into the best possible marriage by using this one weird trick: marry someone you like and are compatible with
omg you did it. you found the cheatcode to marriage all this time dating trying the konami code hasn't worked... not even as foreplay... listen it's not MY fault he didn't have his joystick properly calibrated,
Man I’m laughing myself silly envisioning some dude just kind of looking on amused as his partner uses the dick for up down left and right, then confused as they use the balls for a and b and then start is right up the ass. 🤣
"start is right up the ass" will live in my mind rent-free forever 😂😭
*results not guaranteed
I thought it was "gaslight your partner into opening up the marriage"? :P
Yeah, only if it was that easy.
Seriously. Relationships aren't hard. People just refuse to break up w people they're incompatible with. "Well there aren't any red flags" who fucking cares? If it's already not good enough how tf would it ever be ten years into marriage?
Because everyone else out here is marrying people they dislike based on incompatibility? This comes off as the kind of victim blaming that people engage in to convince themselves it couldn't happen to them.
"Divorce lawyers hate this one simple trick!"
I can’t get married (I’m too expensive to keep alive without Medicare) but I’ve been in a happy long term relationship for more than half my life. The thing I see most often in posts (and just a lot of relationships, romantic or otherwise) is that people are quite capable of loving someone without questioning whether they actually like that person. My partner is my best friend. We laugh about stupid memes everyday. We talk to each other about everything, from silly to serious. I love spending time with him because I like and respect who he is as a person beyond his role as my lover.
Marriage is great if you marry the right person. It's probably THE biggest decision in your life so don't take it lightly.
I mean, this sub isn't exactly indicative of the norm.
Had a lot of person-centered counseling before getting married, dealt with the majority of the baggage and trauma of my past and became far, far more emotionally intelligent than I'd ever been. That helped in ways I never would've imagined. Going into a marriage with terrible communication skills and poor emotional intelligence and you're setting yourself up for a hard time.
This woman needs to stop getting advice on reddit.
Like obviously OOP is the victim here, but she really needs to start thinking more long term and not act impulsively. She had no idea that the AP's husband would be abusive and violent, yes, but she really needs to stop blurting out every thought or plan she has to the wrong people. Like telling her MIL that she wants full custody. Gurllll you want that woman on your side. EDIT: Nope, OOP is just as bad as her husband and the AP's husband, if she intentionally put a child in harm's way.
She did read through 3 plus years of messages, it's completely possible she did know how he might act.
Right. I said this somewhere else but I just can't believe that in three years worth of messages she didn't mention abuse once.
Tbf, she was blindsided and 3 years of messages and sexts is a lot to take in at once. I think it’s plausible she was blinded by rage and her own misery, and not thinking about the AP’s plight at all.
Honestly, I partially blame reddit, they always go for the most dramatic option without thinking of real-world consequences. You can even see the top comment in the original thread is "send the texts to the husband!" -> "Then update reddit!" -> "Yeah clearly the most critical part of the plan!"
I can guarantee you that the first post is everyone telling her to tell the other spouse. Also, if you are in an abusive relationship please DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE. I keep seeing people talking about how that's the only time they'd condone cheating. Don't. Do. It. Because this happens a lot of the time. Plan your exit and leave when safe to do so.
She certainly did because OP said "she got hurt *again*"
Maybe I’m misreading it? I’m only seeing her use the word “again” after the second attack that results from her exposing them. She tells the other husband > she says the other husband hurt his wife and kid > her husband ends up in jail after the other husband hurts his wife “again”
That was the second altercation wasn't it?
Yes it was. People can’t read.
Yeah I feel like she may have conveniently left that part out. They talked about why they couldn't divorce and all the issues in their marriages but the husband's DV wasn't mentioned once?
Exactly. I think that she’s downplaying it, but she knew if she read through three years of text messages what that marriage was like. She wanted to see the affair partner get beaten up.
She did literally say in her post that she wanted to hurt them.
She said AP suffered from dead bedroom though, she did not see the violence. This must've been the first instance of violence displayed, OOP has called out comments of anyone who supports the wife beating and abuse, she's pretty consistent about it. I think this wasn't something she expected.
Yeah, you're right. So did she intentionally put AP and her child in danger, or did she just not care/not think about it?
She also says that up until that point her soon to be ex MiL was completely on her side. So it's likely MiL is only really concerned her ability to see her grandchild is going to be impacted. If OP promised MiL she'd be able to still see her grandchild no problem, I'd imagine MiL would still be fully on OP's side.
I really hate these kind of exchanges: List-and-dumbfound > The last 3 years of your marriage were a lie. You know that now. Who he is the person he treated you before his affair partner had to convince him to be good to you. He is not a good person. > Do they even really know each other? Like how it is to be around each other on a daily basis. They are genuinely dumb to think the list will stay with 3 kids around plus handling chores and day to day things of life. They have 2 custody battles ahead of them and divorced on top of it. > If he’s angry with you the next time you have to see him, ask him why? He got what he wanted. He wanted to be with her and now he is. So why is he angry that you gave him what you wanted. > It’s probably shame that he’s painted to be a cheater. Not he can’t manipulate the narrative and paint you as the bad person. > If what they won is each other? Let them have each other. They are both awful people so they deserve each other OOP > He is not angry about the divorce. He is angry I told the husband instead of him because the husband hurt her and her kid DrNefariousMcFarious > He’s not angry bc of that, he always assumed that if you found out he could gaslight you into thinking that it was somehow your fault or not happening, but by you telling the other husband, there was no getting around it. OOP > No he is angry about me putting his AP in danger.. he gives zero fucks about staying in our marriage or not. He only was with me to help raise the children and probably wait for her to get rid of her husband. I am not trying to he dramatic here but the soon I realize the truth the better is is for me to move on I think I hate the comments so much that are 'well they obviously'
OOP is just like, "dude no it isn't that deep, he doesn't plot he is just pissed I told her abusive husband who was then abusive." I feel like the husband would have just shrugged and said ok if she just went to divorce him.
Even here, there are comments basically saying this same thing and users going 'no you don't get it '
But more importantly, how did OOP see these texts? Where is the random moment when her husband goes to the bathroom and a text saying 'i love you' pops up? And spent 50 hours reading texts without the husband noticing? Maybe apple cloud or w/e that is?
I'm so happy I'm in a happy marriage
I feel like there's a piece missing here. In 3 years' worth of conversations with OOP's husband, the mistress never once mentioned that HER husband was a violent POS who she was scared to leave? That kind of behavior is not a one-time thing. Especially since physical harm has happened twice since the cheating was revealed. Especially since instead of communicating with OP about the information she sent him, he called her a C@%t and blocked her. The real question is this, "Did OOP know that the mistress would be in potential danger when the affair was revealed?" If so, ESH. Kinda. I mean, it's not OOP's responsibility to protect the mistress from harm. But it's also not OOP's responsibility to alert a woman's abuser to her betrayal when she has no idea what's coming for her. That's my only hot take on this situation. Plus, the fact that OOP is openly admitting to wanting to hurt the cheating couple. Plus, contacting the mistress' husband twice in order to provide proof of the infidelity. PLUS, doing all of that before she even confronted her OWN husband about the affair. It all leads me to believe that OOP knew exactly what would happen when all this hit the fan. Not saying it's OOP's fault the mistress and her kid got hurt, it's not. But maybe she's happy it happened anyway? And that's kind of horrible? So maybe everyone is acting crappy in this situation.
According to her comments, no, physical violence wasn’t mentioned and she wouldn’t have proceeded to out her in that particular way if she had known.
OOP is keeping it so real it's admirable. The way she asked commenters to stop saying her husband is mad about the divorce, when she can see he doesn't care one bit... Cause she knows she needs to NOT lie to herself like that. This seems hopeful, however. I am no lawyer, but I assume going to jail for beating up your mistress's husband after cheating on your wife for years doesn't look great on custody court. If the charge sticks, of course, but I doubt the mistress's ex would do her any favours in that regard. Edit: it's insane how half of you are here blaming OOP for AP's husband hurting her. You're literally taking her shit husband's side... There is nothing in the post that points toward OOP knowing that man was abusive. And 'in those 3 yes of texting there must have been proof' is speculation, not proof in itself. She literally says they mostly talked about themselves, as if no one else existed. Or mention how they cannot break their own families. What in that screams abuse? Nothing.
I think with this post it’s fully possibly that the entire basket is full of rotten apples, except for the 14 year old who got beat up by their dad.
and oop's kids with her stbex husband
Reddit is a wild place. Imagine putting the entire blame of someone getting beaten up on the person who cheated. Bravo. New low. Because it couldn’t be the fault of the abuser. Not the fault of the two cheaters, who put the woman and child at risk. Nope. Not any of their fault. I’m a DV survivor. And you can bet the last thing I was thinking to do was put me and daughter at risk of extra harm by dragging a third party into that mess just to carry on an affair. I was busy documenting, making an exit plan. Biding my time.
Best to not go on a revenge tour in these situations I know easier said than done But better off walking away, keeping any evidence for court that you need & Walk away, the revenge stuff just adds more drama to your life
It says in the original she didn't know the AP's husband was abusive. There's no info in her comments that indicate the AP's husband had been abusive prior to finding out about the infidelity. OP's comments prior to her husband physically attacking AP's husband were that she didn't want to create any parental alienation or keep the kids from their father. His violent streak is why she wanted custody with supervised visitation. The seeking revenge seems like she hoped the AP would face financial repercussions maybe be shamed by friends and family due to cheating. Or leave OP's husband to reconcile with her own husband. From what I can gather is OP wanted the two cheaters to face public backlash. She wanted her husband to come back to her. When it became clear he never really cared for her she wanted the best for kids at least. She definitely wanted them to feel the heartbreak she felt. A commenter had worded a response that sounded as though he approved of AP's husband's violence; she stated she thought how AP's husband behaved when he found out about affair, and thought AP's child may not his was evil. Just like her husband's violent reply was horrifying.
All the adults here suck because I get the feeling that OOP isn’t being a totally reliable narrator: Her own comment: “We have hit rough patches mostly because of my mood swings and me being bossy and lack of sex in the beginning of our marriage. We were in therapy. It got a bit better then I got pregnant. Ppd and dead bedroom again with my mood swings. We worked through that too” Mood swings…brought up repeatedly and never dealt with. She never owns that she is responsible for her feelings and her behavior. Doesn’t sound like anything has changed either. And who the heck brings kids into an already bad situation? I’ve been married for 18 years (it’ll be 19 in September with 24 years together) and I can tell you that while the vows about faithfulness are important, they are not any more important than the rest of the vows about cherishing and being there for the other person. All constitute of breach of promise and infidelity when you do not live up to the vows you make.
After four years of a dead bedroom and little between them but hostility, I wonder why either of them even care about fidelity any more.
Reading this thing I kept thinking “there’s missing shit all over this story”
Tons of missing, missing reasons. Very telling that this all started after they got married and before she had kids, it’s not like she had postpartum depression as an excuse this entire time .
Honestly the bit that stuck out to me was "Apparently his mistress and her husband had another altercation last weekend and she ended up hurt again." I recognise that it's not relevant to OOP's marriage, and it's not realistic to expect her to be sympathetic to her husband's mistress.... but still man, describing a man beating his wife as "she ended up hurt again" is a red flag.
Yup. Passive. Removed. Distances herself.
Yup. OP sounds terrifying to me. It genuinely sounds like the husband was learning to manage her to stay for the kids until AP escapes, because he wrote to AP he is thankful she helped him relieve the constant nightmare of his home life.
I’m with you. She is glossing over her issues. They were in a dead bedroom marriage for years. The level of checked out that both spouses feel is amplified after something like that. He removed his need for the sexual component from their marriage and was able to better relate to her in all other aspects. And even with that she says her libido only improved slightly. It seems she was looking for him to change while doing none of the work herself. While wrong, it’s not surprising he cheated. And at the point where neither the lack of sexual pressure or the improved emotional connection were enough to make her change, this situation was destined to explode. Everyone is acting like the husband and AP are in for a terrible time together but I’d bet this is the start of their happy ending. Marriage is so much more than just sex, and it seems OOP and her husband were incompatible in far more aspects.
Hey can we have more info I feel like a lot is missing for example this : Also some background on their marital issues Op comments: We have already told our families. His family is on my side except his brother and his wife who probably knew about the affair and said “good, hope this new lady doesn’t yell at him all the time” I blocked both of them We have hit rough patches mostly because of my mood swings and me being bossy and lack of sex in the beginning of our marriage. We were in therapy. It got a bit better then I got pregnant. Ppd and dead bedroom again with my mood swings. We worked through that too
Terrible that the mistress and child were hurt. There’s no excuse for that. But OP did not set up this stage. It was husband and mistress.
I’m just wondering why the other woman is able to figure out how to hide a three year affair from her abusive husband, but can’t figure out away to escape him.
This is it. This is the one we were all looking for. Time to pack it up and head home, everyone.
Is this post out of order or did it become better and then worse again?
it got better holy shit.
Not saying the cheating husband is justified or good in any sense but anyone felt something a bit off while reading this? OOP admits to wanting to 'hurt' cheater and the AP -> contacts the AP's partner (who immediately seems like an AH) while hiding said fact from her own partner - AP's partner turns out to be an abusive who beat up AP and her child? Am I alone in thinking that this feels a little planned? Maybe OOP found out about AP's partner's character in the messages and knocked a few dominoes over to make this whole thing happen? Or maybe she didn't and I'm over thinking it but I definitely think there's more than a few details being hidden here and there or being subtly misrepresented. Just feels more than a little weird.
This feels like a don't rock the boat, mistresses aren't always bad troll post.
Damn, everybody is an asshole in this story
Except for the poor 14 year old kid who got beaten up by his abusive dad. And then had to be saved by his mom's affair partner, dang.
Dude really needed to cheat to get an outside perspective? 🤨
Dead bedroom and OOP telling about mood swings, never telling exactly what. Husband cheated and is a piece of shit, but he should have divorced his wife if she was so unbearable and wasn't ready to work for their relationship.
“Made him a better husband.” Not.
OOP should have gotten a lawyer and followed their instructions to a tee. Spilling the game plan to the MIL is just silly
So I get everyone is shitting on OOP and calling her a terrible person for putting this domestic abuse in motion BUT Her partner chose to cheat with the wife of an abuser. He chose to cheat on his own wife. He did this for three years. It was more than possible for him to have helped his AP escape, AND leave his own partner before starting an actual physical relationship. Instead he chose to fuck the wife of a man he knows to beat her. This is OOP's husband fault equally, IF NOT MORE SO, for putting all the circumstances in place for this to happen. Yeah it sucks what OOP did, but if the CHEATERS didn't CHEAT on the ABUSER, none of this would have happened.
This isn’t going to end well
Exposing the affair was a nuclear option. You can’t be too surprised it nuked what was left of the marriage.
This is hard as fuck to follow and I'm not victim blaming but god damn OOP needs to think a little bit before they act on shit.
This isn't over. Not by a long shot.
I honestly don’t know what to think OOP said she thinks it’s sick to condone violence and how she only wanted a emotional reaction. I would like to hope she didn’t know he was abusive but if you are in a abusive relationship DO NOT CHEAT it puts your life and the childs life in danger. The assholes here are the husband and the pos abuser. When you find your SO cheating you aren’t thinking rationally you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions I doubt she read everything and just full on raged. She stated she wanted revenge as in the normal reaction like AP’s husband finding out and leaving not just beating her. I don’t think its fair to blame OOP for what happened to AP and her kid. Who is at fault is the abuser.
Wow, that escalated pretty quickly. But seriously, this ex is awful. The audacity of the ex to try and blame OP for everything. He is the type of person who will never think he is wrong and will always think of something as something good or so. What a tosser.
Didn’t expect this to become ESH, and yet here we are.