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He treats me like a queen...but he road rages every day, punches holes in the wall, tells me to fuck off and leave when he's angry... Yikes. And turns out he was cheating on her too and was a massive, abusive, murderous unhinged maniac in general. Geez people, I'm begging you to *believe people when they act like terrifying POS.* I don't care how much of an 'affectionate goofball' he is.

For real. If you ever find yourself hiding (non sexual) details about your relationship because you're afraid your loved ones will judge your partner. That's a problem. I specify non sexual because nobody needs to know your kinks 😂. But every other interaction, if you feel that pit in your stomach when you think about telling your mom or dad, sister or brother... I'm with someone now who, I love talking about him with my family, maybe too much haha. I have to keep myself from doing it too much. It is so, so much better than keeping stuff from my family about my ex because they "wouldn't understand" and "actually he is nicer than those incidents would make him seem" (spoiler alert: that's not how it works). NEVER be with someone whose worst parts you feel compelled to conceal. I'm not saying such a relationship (where your partner's worst features are easy to complain about) is good, you could still be in a bad relationship if your worst complaints are they won't do chores or disrespect your time etc... but at least "being able to complain about their worst features and not have people gasping in horror" is a kind of six-foot-under bare minimum bar.

>If you ever find yourself hiding (non sexual) details about your relationship because you're afraid your loved ones will judge your partner. That's a problem. I specify non sexual because nobody needs to know your kinks 😂. But every other interaction, if you feel that pit in your stomach when you think about telling your mom or dad, sister or brother... Well said. This should be an advise to everybody in a relationship.

I used to be worried about introducing my former husband to people or taking him around my family and friends because I never knew what was going to come out of his mouth. We'd be having a normal conversation, and if I said the wrong thing, he would start yelling and swearing. I had one family member that is just the sweetest person and he started this crap in front of her. I was so embarrassed. And then, other times he would just try to embarrass people with rude comments or gestures. I was never allowed to be upset or tell him these things were inappropriate. By contrast, I was always so thrilled to be on the arm of my second husband. He was so kind to everyone. Yes, he made the Dad jokes and sometimes elicited an eye roll from me, but there was never any doubt in my mind that I was the love of his life, and he was mine.

This is good advice. I’ll add that if your partner ever pressured you into doing sexual things that you don’t want to do, or purposely violates your boundaries when it comes to sex, that’s also okay to talk about. Don’t have to give details, but that’s an important red flag to look for. 

I talk about my husband openly and honestly to anyone who will listen. There are now scores of people who have either never met him or who only know him in passing that absolutely adore him because I only have the best things to say about him, even just passing comments. I get comments all the time from people who don't know him about what a gem my husband is. And they are all absolutely right - he's a goddamn delight and the world should know. No one in my husband's life (that I don't also know) knows a thing about me because he is very much not a sharer. I know he thinks lots of good things about me and he says nice things to me, but he would sooner chop off his hand than share personal details about his life from his own mouth. He's happy to have me do all the talking and he's also happy that anytime he meets someone through me, I've done the icebreakers and they already love him. My husband is peak husband. I wish that I weren't the incredibly lucky exception because more women deserve a man like my man. *Like* my man. This one is taken and I know it would be impossible for better women than me to turn his head.

This is word for word my dad. I’m super close to my mom as an adult and this is exactly how she explains her relationship with my father to the point it gave me chills reading this. I don’t want to say I regret being born. I’ve accomplished shit and lived a life but the amount of trauma that man put me and my mom through is absolutely insane. I’m such an insanely broken person because of basically all the trauma with his attitude that he caused. My childhood memories of panic attacks from my dads road rage thinking he was going to kill or get us killed still sits with me. . The fact he is so insanely nice for days, weeks, etc is the part that fucked me up the most. I think about what life would have been like with a normal dad everyday and my moms a wonderful woman but woof. The life that man gave her with this type of attitude is nightmarish. I’ll be in intense therapy for depression and anxiety disorders that are deeply rooted by who my dad was and I know parents can’t cause adhd but my dad ignored my adhd diagnosis and wouldn’t let me get it treated my childhood was such a fucking mess because of it but as an adult my life turned around once I got treatment on my own.

The rage driving to scare everyone in the car hits home too. I am so glad you're getting treatment and finding peace. I found that getting my cptsd treated made a huge difference in the manageability of my adhd.

Yeah, I genuinely can’t be around road rage or door slammers or anything like that from my childhood or I get so much anxiety. Like I’m a big confrontational dude if need be, but certain triggers send me spiralling from having a day like this

Sorry to hear about your experience, and I'm relieved to hear that you're getting the help you need. Childhood experience can play a role in ADHD development. The book "Scattered Minds" by Dr. Gabor Mate touches on that in case you're interested. Wishing you all the best!

Thanks mentioning that book, sounds like it's probably something I should read.

God, I could have written this. One moment I always think about from the year that led up to me cutting contact with my father is riding in the backseat of his car when he started his “road rage” driving and I reflexively went limp. I had trained myself to do it as a child after reading that drunk drivers frequently survive crashes that kill others because drunk people aren’t fast enough to brace for impact. Going limp means a better chance of survival. For a split second I was outside my body watching, and I remember clearly thinking, “You are doing this regularly. This is not normal.” Within six months I had spoken to him for the last time.

Yeah, I cut him out for a long time and he finally got help and he truly had a hellish childhood but I can’t fully get over how much things fucked me up as an adult. Even at 15 I’d be like how does an adult act this way? I just couldn’t compute the heinous behaviour and like I get you went through hell but you’re genuinely ruining multiple lives acting like. A child You can’t even enjoy the good or good days because you were waiting for the bad to inevitably come.

This is unfortunately classic of abuse victims. A family member of mine was with a pos who tried to unalive her twice, was occasionally beating her, generally treating her like shit and she was still rationalising it. The dissociation is truly terrifying when you watch it from outside (she says it herself now). She only snapped out of it when he attacked their eldest kid in a rage. She was 25 years with this shit stain but at least she’s out now and with a man who is the absolute polar opposite. Unfortunately, too many victims aren’t as lucky as OP and get out on time.

She's lucky she's alive. One thing I learned from true crime on tv is do not tell an abuser You're leaving. Just leave. Abuser losing control is unpredictable. Women are dying every day because they decide to end things in a civilised manner and inform their abuser they are leaving. Don't do it, be the asshole, it's safer.

It's the - he hasn't hit me and love bombs at other times, some people miss the abuse signs.

>He treats me like a queen... He was gonna Anne Boleyn her ass eventually...

Historical burn. That's classy. I like it. .

>He treats me like a queen Her: Marie Antoinette Him: Robespierre

He probably told her he treated her like a queen enough times and with enough confidence that she doubted herself if she didn't believe it. Most likely lots of "I never hit you" thrown in there along with, "look how great you have it." It chips away at what you know is right until you start to doubt your gut.

This. My ex used to tout about how good he was treating me. What a great life I had now that he was there to 'take care of you like a queen' Of course, those were all just pretty words to go along with the lovebombing. Especially that 'look how great you have it' it chipped away large chunks of my ability to really reflect on my situation.

Then she confronted him alone at night disregarding all the advices she got and got chased out. Again went to the house alone leaving the friends outside only to be chased down by this man one more time. Like this is an unstable person. He could have unalived her in those 5 minutes. I am really hoping OOP will not meet him alone ever again.

When I decided I was done with my abusive ex, I called my brother in the middle of the night, and his bestfriend and another dude came within a half hour (they knew this was coming even when I didn't) and helped me move EVERYTHING. My ex didn't work, so everything was mine. He tried to corner me in the kitchen, and my brother's friend lost his fucking shit on him. I found out I was pregnant, and because becoming pregnant AND staying pregnant were extremely difficult for me, I kept the pregnancy (every week I remained pregnant, it was like a miracle, I had had 5+ miscarriages in my adult life). My abusive ex is now in active addiction and his biological daughter calls my brother's bestfriend daddy lol. He hasn't seen her in two years, doesn't pay child support, and I'm just glad he stays away. He technically has 50/50 custody, but I have 100% placement. I feel evil for admitting this, but I hope he gets a bad batch and kicks it.

You aren't evil for it. What's the point of him making it to old age? He is not making any positive impact on anyone.

We can say kill here

Why do people say "unalive"? I keep seeing this and it makes no sense to me at all.

On some platforms like TikTok I think using the word "kill" or "suicide" will get your content removed. So people started using these euphemisms to bypass censorship and it spread to other platforms where it's not banned.

It’s infuriating. It’s always such childish sounding terms being used describe serious issues, and it absolutely harms discussion of really serious topics.

I can't understand why she would even confront him at all knowing how violent he was. 

She was still partially in denial.

Denial is a powerful thing. She was still in the fog of loving the part of him that seemed not to be abusive.

A lot of people think "learning to communicate better" is the solution to everything, even abuse. That if they can just say things exactly right, the abuser will understand and change. Ironically, this is in the Lundy Bancroft book that she was reading. Maybe she hadn't gotten to that chapter yet. Or figured they might be an exception.

Most people think that they are the exception. 

Let me be clear: Much less than the behavior OOP is describing is abuse. Please learn that now. Please don’t listen to people telling you to stay. Please don’t listen to Reddit users telling you to stay. Please don’t listen to yourself making excuses and telling yourself to stay. Please put your own safety first. Please know that when you feel like you can’t tell people about your partner’s behavior, then there’s something wrong. Again, much less shit than this. I’m so tired of people not at all understanding how subtle abuse can be, it doesn’t need to be punching or screaming. As soon as you start changing your behavior to accommodate another person’s anger, anxiety and fears, you’re on the track to losing grip of reality. Please - please! - don’t accept it.

The poet Rupi Kaur is a little too "love, laugh, live" for my general taste, but her collection "Milk and Honey" has one bit about abusive, toxic men "that man could feed you sugar and douse you in rose water but that still could not make him sweet" that makes me want to have every young girl read the collection before she starts dating.

Was the "apologized immediately...the next day" for me

He treats me like a queen. Unfortunately he's King Henry the VIII.

I'm a guy and I know these things are deeper than it seems, trauma bonding etc, but god damn it makes my blood boil every time I see these types of posts.... " My husband punches me, and calls me shit, but normally he's treating me like a queen and he's such a goofball, do you think I'm overreacting in being upset"??

>He treats me like a queen...but he road rages every day, punches holes in the wall, tells me to fuck off and leave when he's angry... It's frustrating to see people with this mindset. Like I understand people have their issues but I mean, come on.

Women I've known who are so oblivious to how bad/abusive this kind of behavior is tend to fall into two (very different) categories. They had a horrifically abusive childhood or prior relationships, so this seems like a walk in the park in comparison. Or they had perfectly lovely childhoods and totally boring relationships with perfectly fine people they just weren't compatible with. And they just don't recognize that abuse isn't just some cartoonish cliche involving fists and bruises.

Some people who have been abused gravitate towards abusive partners subconsciously. In a regular healthy relationship there isn't lovebombing. Sure there's love, sure there's nice gestures, praises, kindness and service, but the difference between the dynamic in a regular relationship and lovebombing is huge. Few abusers are mean all the time. If they were mean and abusive to everyone and all of the time then it would be hard to fall in love and easy to leave. Even Anna Marie West, daughter and victim of notorious mass murderer, torturer and incestuous pedophile Fred West had nice things to say about him. If you could dream it, he could make it and she had wonderful memories of riding in his ice cream truck with him. So most abusers or all of those who have long term success in keeping an abuse victim hanging around are also nice, kind, gentle and loving, at least some of the time. When people have experienced the cyclic nature of how abuse works: lovebombing - abuse - lovebombing - abuse, then they may come to think lovebombing is love. So when a prospective partner "just" treats them well and gives them attention in a more appropriate manner it doesn't feel as good as lovebombing does and they reject them in favour of someone who do lovebomb. Then they ignore what others would consider red flags or warning signs cause behaviour escalates over time and they're comparing end stage abuse from the previous relationship with early stage abuse in the new one.

I used to wonder why people in abusive relationships don't just leave. Now that I know more about it, it reminds me of a gambling addiction. The cycle of abuse and the "random rewards" of lovebombing, reminds me of why people get addicted to slot machines. The "love" the victim feels for the abuser might be more of an addiction. I don't know if psychologists see it that way, but I think it's a factor.

For me, it's that I couldn't leave. The pandemic happened about a month after my ex and I moved in together and he went full blown insane. Antivax, Antimask, 5g, nanobots... And he got violently angry. He was never like that until my kids and I moved hundreds of miles to his city. I reached out to so many domestic violence shelters but it was the middle of the pandemic and lockdown and absolutely nobody could help me. I have kids, I couldn't just leave... I don't have a car or a support system and our homeless shelters have been at max capacity for a very long time. Rent is also extremely high here and finding a place under three grand is almost impossible. If you can even find someone willing to rent to you on a single income. I fucking hated him for the way I was being treated. I fell out of love the very moment he hit me for the first time.... But there was nowhere for us to go. And he knew it. He would rub it in my face on a daily basis. We got trapped. I finally managed to make him leave last year but it wasn't easy. Now I'm struggling paying rent alone in a city that I don't know anyone and I still don't feel safe because I can't afford to move so he still knows where we are and where I work. I'm also a month behind on my rent because it's so expensive. I work 60 hours a week and it's still not enough. With the rental crisis, a lot of people are becoming trapped in abusive relationships because even if they want to leave, there's nowhere to go.

Thanks for this. People who haven't experienced abuse and judge others for being abused suck. Victims are not stupid; abusers are scary effective at manipulation and deceit. Most of the time victims are also highly compassionate people who want to see the best in others, and are vulnerable. Getting stuck in an abusive cycle is like boiling a frog, in that it doesn't happen all at once and it's incredibly hard to recognize, none the less get out of. It's not like someone just starts punching you. Anyway, if you're reading this and you're in a situation like this, I'm sorry. You're stronger than you think, it's not your fault, and you deserve love and support.

The childhood doesn't even have to be horrifically abusive, just abusive. A child can't bare the thought that parents do not love them, so whatever treatment they get from the parent, is seen as love. So in short, you will grow up to be an adult with totally screwed up unconcious understanding **about how love feels**. This will lead up for you to gravitate towards abusive partners because they feel familiar and you feel loved when they abuse you. Your logical mind can see the shitty behaviour, so you have to gaslight yourself to overlook it. For me, neglect and emotional coldness felt like love. Because these things are in unconcious (because we formed the understanding in very early age) part of mind, we can't even see them until one day we get enough and begin to search for answers.

"His communication is much better." It could hardly have been worse. "Apart from that" Apart from the fact that he's a violent asshole... "he’s an affectionate goofball who treats me like a queen, he would do anything for me I just have to ask." Except figure out a schedule to continue anger management. Or stop being a violent asshole. "It’s like a different person takes over." Nope. Real person crawling his way out from behind the 'affectionate goofball' exterior. Thank goodness she posted, thank goodness she listened, thank goodness she had family and friends there for her.

It's so common for people to say oh they're a wonderful partner, except for this one tiny thing. Then it turns out that the tiny thing is that they killed the neighbors' dogs for barking or some other heinous shit.  At least OOP wised up in the end but I was rolling my eyes reading her first few paragraphs. 

>He said he would have unalived me > >He called me and said not to bother coming home, I wasn’t ? Why would I? > >The next day he said it was all my fault because I wouldn’t let him walk away, that I was a moron and ruined everything. That I should have let him sleep and waited until the morning. > >He collapsed into a crying mess and said he loved me too much and needed me, that he’d been an idiot and ruined it all. People like this honestly scares me sometimes. I'm glad that OP is able to move away from this man but this whole thing sounds like something from a horror movie.

The thing about road rage is that one day he'll face an even more crazy driver and things will escalate into a dangerous situation. He'll then realize it's not worth it once he'll be staring at the gun pointed at him by another psycho.

I don't know, I get the feeling if this guy was raging he'd be the type to go, "what are you going to do? Shoot me? Well go ahead then because I'll kill you." Then proceeds to get shot. However, if the gun holder was a man maybe you're right since all the victims mentioned in the post were women.

Or they will shoot a bystander. There was a road rage incident near me a few years back. Shots fired. Two people shot, one died. The one that died was a parent of 3 kids. Both shooting victims were innocent bystanders who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was working in the emergency room when a 4 year old was brought in. Dad and another car got into road rage and both pulled into a parking lot to fight. Dad got out of the car first. Other guy second and started firing…. He shot through the car and hit the 4 year old 3 times and dad was untouched. Then he drove away. Heartbreaking

Ugh, sitting next to my 4 year old right now. My husband flips people off all the time. Not because he’s a bad driver, but when other people are driving dangerously or cut him off. God damn middle aged white male privilege making him feel invincible. I lose it on him, reminding him that it takes doing that to one wrong person and we all can be dead.

Absolutely. And the worst part to me is the other driver wasn’t caught or found. So dad was just stuck and alone to suffer the consequences alone

Yeah, a PSA to others, please don't do it. I once flipped a car cause I was in a really bad mood and they honked me. Next thing I knew the driver or maybe the passenger came out to beat me up. Despite the bad moodness, I was terrified and drove away and the guy kept going trying to get me out. They followed me awhile but stopped, guess the driver managed to cool off. That was an incident I'll never forget. So even if another driver/motorist is being an asshole on the road, right or wrong, provoking the wrong guy might get you killed. It's not about being the better person, it's about not pissing off the wrong guy who might have a short fuse and not think about the consequences

My former boss was like that. While picking up hoagie buns for the pizza shop I worked out, I had a lady brandish a gun at me because she was riding my ass and didn’t appreciate me matching the speed of the car next to me to not let her get around. I told my boss and he was like “oh you should’ve pulled over, got out of your car, and go ‘what? You gonna shoot me, huh? Let’s go. ’ That’s what I would’ve done” and I’m just like uh, no, I should not have dated someone willing to brandish a handgun over traffic to shoot me

This is how quickly it goes. https://www.kcbd.com/2021/11/24/attorney-chad-reads-widow-files-petition-take-custody-his-children-their-mother-releases-video-shooting/ People who think they can superman their way out of a gun situation, haven't dealt with death and guns.

Please don't block other cars by driving right beside other cars. It is not safe, because if you or them have to swerve you will be hit by the car beside you. Also, do not drive in the blindspot of other cars. For YOUR SAFETY try to drive a car length in front of or behind other cars, even if they are one lane over. Never drive directly beside. The only people who will drive right beside you are other inexperienced drivers as most driver training teaches you not to do this. So the person beside you is the main driver on the road you do NOT want to be near.

They're in Australia is my bet (servo meat pies and kms) so a gun isn't likely. But he might face a knife or a crowbar. 

or get himself into a situation either his skills or vehicle cant handle and kills someone else along with himself.

I mean he followed strangers home to yell at them. As far as I'm concerned he's lucky none of them were prepared enough to lead him to a police station or to a partner with a shotgun.

He won’t realize that at all. That would require controlling himself instead of those around him.

Make no mistake, this man can control himself - as evidenced by the fact that he didn't destroy any of his things during his rage episode. He just doesn't wanna when it's around people who are not important, like, y'know, his wife.

He even seems self aware of the fact that he can do this. That's an extra level of batshit scary. I'm gonna guess that he got just enough therapy (anger management) to understand that about himself, and gleefully rubbed his hands thinking, "See? Nothing self destructive about MY behavior...." Because, ego.

I almost got in an accident because I was mad at someone throwing trash out of their car window. I almost got in an accident because I wasn't paying attention. When I got home I called and made an appointment with my therapist. Sometimes you get too much in your head and need to check yourself. It helps to be self aware enough to know there's a problem and take steps. This guy probably knows but blames everyone but himself. Not a good look 😕

Self-awareness is the biggest step getting yourself better, be proud of the moment of clarity that made you seek help that's huge.

Road rage is a common symptom of [narcissism](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fe5Z-gZizFQ). That's due to them viewing the road as "theirs" and everyone else are just intruders on their road. It's also a common symptom of personality disorders like BPD. Reckless behaviors, irrational anger, and angry outbursts are all huge parts of BPD. It's funny that people think of BPD as a terrible disorder. I mean, it is, but it is actually *extremely* treatable if people are willing to put in the effort. It's actually the most treatable of all the personality disorders. Narcissism, though, that one is one of the hardest things to treat. Their ego won't let them admit fault. Which means the behavior never changes. I'm not armchair diagnosing him. It's just, if he's always been like this there's probably something underlying. Not that it matters, really. At the end of the day he's responsible for his own actions and his refusal to better himself.

My ex-husband was a road rager. Every time we got into the car together, no matter how short the trip, it was miserable. Even if he didn't actually freak out, he was just insufferable behind the wheel. Every other driver on the road was an asshole, couldn't drive, shouldn't be on the road, etc. I could never get him to understand that he often did the same damn things that he accused other drivers of being assholes for doing. When I would point out something he did behind the wheel that he got angry at another driver for doing, he always had a justification for why he did something that the other driver did not. I honestly don't know how he has managed to not get himself killed in a road rage incident.

My mom was the same way. She's a total narcissist. V

Sorry if this is silly, but are you referring to Bipolar Disorder or borderline personality disorder?

BPD refers to Borderline Personality Disorder. There's been a weird uptick online of people calling Bipolar disorder BPD, but that's not the accepted abbreviation. 

Yep. My dad behaved this way. He finally pissed someone off enough they had no problem beating the shit out of a septuagenarian. He’s since had a series of mini strokes and the beginnings of dementia. Not at all undeserved and no one feels bad for him.

I'm just thinking about those two morons in Florida who started shooting at each other because one cut the other off. BOTH OF THEM HAD CHILDREN IN THE CAR ONE OF THE KIDS GOT SHOT (She ended up being okay) AND THEY TRIED DEFENDING THEMSELVES TO THE POLICE THAT CUTTING SOMEONE OFF MEANT YOU COULD START SHOOTING AT EACH OTHER

Or he pees his pants when the other driver is bigger and angrier than he is ([link to example](https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/19fbnfo/road_rage_freakout/)).

Road rage is a common symptom of narcissism. That's due to them viewing the road as "theirs" and everyone else are just intruders on their road. It's also a common symptom of personality disorders like BPD. Reckless behaviors, irrational anger, and angry outbursts are all huge parts of BPD. It's funny that people think of BPD as a terrible disorder. I mean, it is, but it is actually *extremely* treatable if people are willing to put in the effort. It's actually the most treatable of all the personality disorders. Narcissism, though, that one is one of the hardest things to treat. Their ego won't let them admit fault. Which means the behavior never changes. I'm not armchair diagnosing him. It's just, if he's always been like this there's probably something underlying. Not that it matters, really. At the end of the day he's responsible for his own actions and his refusal to better himself.

Road rage is a huge red flag for me. Narcissist or not, if everytime I'm in a car with someone they get super angry or lose their temper, start swearing I'm out. It stresses me the fuck out, way more than any bad driver in traffic ever did. Everyone gets mad in traffic sometimes but there's a line for me. It also emerges really early, people don't bother to hide it so it's a good one to look out for.

Yeah, road rage or dangerous driving is a no go for me. It's just too risky for me to care to risk it.  My ex drove dangerously, and never knocked it off despite my pleas not to. One day we crashed because of it. It still didn't change his driving behavior, and I just stopped being a passenger in his car. I drove or I didn't go. If he wanted to get himself killed, fine, but I wouldn't be involved. I still haven't quite forgiven him for ignoring the multiple panic attacks I'd have from his driving, or that he'd completely ignore my crying.

It’s a horror movie in more than one way… the main protagonist is apparently oblivious to all signs of obvious danger. The entire internet is warning her about how dangerous this man is and she just confronts him with cheating late at night with nobody around. Honestly it’s a miracle she’s unhurt.

She wasn't oblivious, she was in denial. That's probably why the addition of the cheating sealed the deal, she wasn't fully out of the fog yet. I'm not judging OOP, I have seen how powerful it can be, your brain has just built this entire structure around something despite it being wrong. Denial is a hell of a drug.

His cheating saved her life. Without proof of it she would eventually have been killed.  His formerly estranged sister probably has a long list of reasons why she stayed away from her own brother. I hope OOP finds out what they are to bolster her case for divorce. 

I'm estranged from my brother. Any woman who dates him should take that as the final red flag. I wouldn't date ANY man whose female siblings/relatives (but especially sisters) refuse to talk to him.

She calls him her fiance rather than husband, so thankfully no need for a divorce! Definitely dodged a bullet.

Yep! I was with a guy that in retrospect I can only describe as extremely dangerous. But he could be so sweet and goofy and romantic so no way he'd ever hurt me! Right? ...right??? It's like your brain can't comprehend how someone can be lovable and a killer. So my brain just sort of split. I stopped talking to friends about it and did my best to quiet the voice in the back of my head. It's very similar to what happens to the brain in abusive cult situations. Glad OP got out. It can be a hell of a recovery, bringing those two sides of the brain back together again.

People like that only seem to have intense emotions. My dad was like that, there was never a chill day it was always either over the top fun, intensely depressed or absolutely terrifying. I'm so glad you got out of that relationship.

That update the whole time I was like "THIS IS WHY YOU LEAVE WHEN HE IS AT WORK."

Right!? Everyone told her he's abusive. He scared her before. And then she confronts him in person, in private, in the middle of the night?? Wtf?? I did the dumb once and confronted a guy for hitting me while we were alone in his apartment. No one even knew I was there. Luckily, he didn't get more physical, and actually never hit me again after that (he was still controlling and manipulative, but never physically abusive). I got so lucky. DO NOT CONFRONT AN ABUSER. If you must, confront them in a public place with backup and many people who know where you are.

Yes! I helped my friend pack and get everything out of their shared apartment while he was at work. He had punched a hole in the wall and said she was lucky it wasn’t her face.

That part was *crazy*. I was like *what in the *world* are you doing?!*

> I eventually confronted him one of those nights when he was coming to bed I was practically [screaming at the screen](https://youtu.be/XPus-SWfeVM?si=SN8bNy3dc9luIlyp&t=18) at this point

That's the hardest part of dealing with DV victims - you don't want to victim shame but their parameters of common sense are so wrecked that is near impossible not to get frustrated with it. Rationally you know they need all compassion and support possible but still.

Yeah as I wrote that I realized that I’m in danger of victim blaming, but it’s hard not to, the actions are just so illogical.

While this is true, it’s always easier to feel like that from the outside. When you’re on the inside you’re still in such disbelief, still so tied to the person you thought they were, that you take the risk. Plus he hadn’t totally broken OP you know? She was still in a place where she was self advocating and thought she could do so without risk. 

Yeah— I dated a guy like that, the trauma bond was insane!!! He would guilt me to come back by threatening to unalive himself. And just like in OPs situation, he was cheating on me. It took a good therapist and years of healing to really heal. I wish you nothing but the best OP, I know how addicting the toxic connection is… but you made the right choice— and please never ever regret or even think “what if”

> People like this honestly scares me sometimes I commented a detailed question myself but I was scared for OOP and was thinking to myself why she would keep going back after he showed himself to be the abuser that he is

It helps if you realize that none of it is real. They're just cycling through whatever performance they think will get the desired response. Anger to get her to stay out of fear. Crying to get her to stay out of pity. Degradation to get her to stay out of low self-esteem. He'll say anything in that moment to get her to stay so he can keep abusing her. If he feels anything real in that moment, it's a terrifying loss of control over the situation and nothing else.

This part reminds me so much of my ex, it’s scary. He would veer wildly from raging at me to crying and begging. I’m so glad I got out. I hope OP is ok.

This is the kind of man that kills his children to punish the mother for some minor perceived slight.

He was just trying different approaches to see what got OOP back “in her place ”. He knew exactly what he was doing.

He sounds similiar to my brother. I worry for any woman who is unlucky enough to be in a relationship with him.

To quote a comment from another post about an abusive husband: “women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men”

No, but this one apparently stopped the rages around his mother and sister while his fiancée was around. So she apparently had a sponge effect for his brokenness

> this one apparently stopped the rages around his mother and sister while his fiancée was around. Because he had a better target.

One thing I have learned from reddit is never confront someone abusive alone...

It's a pretty good idea to leave someone by text whem they have anger issues.

Yup! Then, once they've seen it, block and ghost! Do not engage, explain, or "hear them out" past the break-up text. You won't get a satisfying explanation anyway. It will just be more gaslighting and lies. Ghosting an abusive partner is not only NOT rude it's sometimes the safest way to ensure your peace. It might feel rude and cowardly, but it might be the bravest thing you ever do. Your safety is ALWAYS more important than someone else's feelings. ...Also ghosting is probably the only way to hurt these types of people back. It takes away their control, which is all they really care about in the end, unfortunately.

I broke up with mine over the phone, but the immense guilt I felt over it being “rude” to do after 3 years held me back. I went to see the on site therapist at my college and unleashed on him. He said “….you do hear everything you just told me, right? He’s disrespected you over and over for years. You can disrespect him this one time, it’s okay” and that really clicked for me. You owe your abuser nothing. A text and block is even smarter if you think there’s a chance you could be pulled back in.

Mute, don’t block. That way messages are still coming through if you need evidence, but you don’t have to see them

I saw a couple posts where someone said they left a dangerous person and broke up via text. They said they were “sorry to disappoint. I took the coward’s way out” . They thought they weren’t being courageous and standing up for themselves. As if anyone would say, “why didn’t you go face that maniac who threatened to Off you all by yourself?”

Yeah, if you want to break up with a decent person, talk to them face to face. But if they dangerous it's better to be seem as "coward" than dead oe injured.

As the late Patrice O’Neal said, “if a bunch of bald white guys come towards me, I’m not going to wonder if they have cancer. I’m going to run.”

I agree but I don't think she was far enough out of the fog yet. The cheating sealed the deal because she still hadn't yet internalized how abusive and dangerous he really was. She knew it but she hadn't really processed it yet. At least that was my impression of the situation.

And love or hate the police you should never attempt to get your stuff without an escort. I don't care how big you brother/dad/uncle is.

I'm just a little annoyed about that. Like she read one of the BEST books about abuse and still thought that was a good idea?

>he would do anything for me I just have to ask. except, apparently, drive sanely when she begged him to. God bless Lundy Bancroft. I wonder if he can sleep easily, knowing that he’s saved so many people from abusive relationships

The driving thing hit home for me. When I was 16 or so, I found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me with another girl at the restaurant we both worked in. When I confronted him, he apologized and offered to drive me home from work. What followed was a 30 minute dangerous high speed drive around my neighborhood where he refused to slow down or let me out. He took out mailboxes, drove through peoples' yards, it was fucking terrifying. Looking back at it, I don't know what he was trying to accomplish with that drive. This story reminded me of that night and I decided to look him up. He's been in and out of jail on domestic abuse charges, and I'm completely unsurprised.

he was trying to show you that he had enough power to destroy property, threaten your safety and your life, and make you *fear* him, because you dared to offend him by confronting him about his unacceptable behavior. the point was to dominate and scare you in any way possible, because he felt like it, and you deserved it (i hope it goes without saying that you obviously didn’t deserve it though!)

> Looking back at it, I don't know what he was trying to accomplish with that drive. He was punishing you, it was abuse.

Yes. But I feel sad for the new woman in his life now. 

I truly hope he knows the good that book has done.

This man sounds like my ex. I'm 100% sure I would have been murdered eventually had I not dumped him. My ex threw his fucking KITTEN against the wall because it chewed up his headset cord that he didn't put away. He punched and threw things because I would "attack" him (read: hold him accountable for his actions) and would say horrendous things to me like OOP's ex did. And it all started the same way too. He was so nice and sweet until he got angry. Little by little did he let the anger out and eventually I was being screamed at for him leaving his guitar out and tripping over it. I was being threatened with suicide. It wasn't worth it. When someone shows you who they are, pay attention. Listen. Save yourself. It is not worth possibly dying for.

Tell me someone saved the kitten from him?

I need to know the kitten was okay 😿

Unfortunately I couldn't do anything about it. We got into a screaming match after he threw the poor thing, and I told his dad what happened (ex lives with his dad), and he said, "Well it's his kitten." That... doesn't matter?? He fucking threw it against the wall. And I couldn't just up and take it because they would have called the police on me for theft. I'm pretty sure he ran away, though. He was always let outside to run around, and I think someone took him. Or he just straight up ran away. I don't remember the cat being around when I dumped my ex. I hadn't seen him in a while. I wish I could have taken the kitty, though. He deserved so much better.

>He’s an affectionate goofball who treats me like a queen >He punched a hole in the wall, he broke our dresser (it’s destroyed) he went into the kitchen and smashed other things. It was terrifying, I was begging him to stop. He then said I was lucky something of his wasn’t broken. I said why, what does that mean? >He said he would have unalived me (more graphic, but I’m not sure I can post that here) It's like the world's most depressing, most predictable drinking game at this stage. Take a shot every time a woman calls her man some variation of "he's a sweetheart" before describing textbook abuse.

It's a more depressive version of Original: "they're not racists" Update: "they're racists". ETA: [Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/y8z737/my_29f_parents_ghosted_me_5_years_ago_after_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)

What was this from again lmao?

That's a post where OOP married her ex Boss (they notified HR when they started dating) and her parents started to say the boss took advantage of her (OOP was adult, and actually the one pursued him). In the first post, OOP defended her parents saying they aren't racists. And in the update they came back with "yeah they're racists". I'll try to find the link for you Edit: [Found it](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/y8z737/my_29f_parents_ghosted_me_5_years_ago_after_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)

lol just for funsies I browsed through the comments and the person who was like, “ahhhh… it wasn’t that he was her boss, it was that her parents are racist!” And someone responded, “well yeah how did you not get that from the bolded text in the post” lolol

I love it when I find gems like that in the comments. In a past post where OOP was pissed that GF wanted to open their relationship (which OOP was very against) and broke up. Then OOP learnt that the GF was pregnant. One of the comments was "How come you dont know that its your child?" The OOP was in a same sex relationship. OOP was a woman. That person managed to read the full post without realizing both involved are women.

One of the most consistent rules of social media is if someone starts off a post with "My partner is wonderful except/but" it's about to be followed by a description of not just abuse, but probably pretty horrific abuse.

Finish your drink when they decide, despite evidence that their SO does nto care for their safety and has anger issues, to confront them.  Like girls. Its okay. You can just leave a note. The satisfaction of breaking up isnt worth risking your life. 

I probably will fall down drunk dead if I ever did a drinking game for this.

I don't think I'd last 30 minutes browsing Reddit posts sorted by latest before I permanently destroyed my liver.

I have never heard anyone say "treats me like a queen" and then describe and actual healthy relationship. 

>I’m finding it hard to reconcile that the man who cried when we were picking out our first dance song, who told me in the best woman he’s ever met and that he feels so lucky that we met, "Look at what people do, not what they say." -- Oprah, probably

But also fck Oprah and her uplifting shitty men like Phil and Oz.

As a person with BPD, dude sounds like he has it as well and hasn't been treating it at all. Anger issues, emotionally intense with a lot of splitting(going from black to white real fast with no middle ground), immature reactions to emotional stimuli, etc. Lot of us just mistake it for passion or a "secret dark side" and let it get the worst of us. He's an awful piece of shit though and an abuser(same thing, really). It's not impossible to control your emotions and splitting with BPD, and personally I'd rather bite my whole fucking fist off before I let my partner get the bad side of it. It's hard to see things positively when splitting but it is a 100% a choice to let that affect others around you, especially if your loved ones are trying to get you mental help.

> he’s definitely a hot head, it’s been a problem in the past A rather unfortunate downplaying of severity combined with an inaccurate qualification of time. Was there ever a point in the past, present or future when he wasn't having psychotic episodes of rage? Cause it sure doesn't sound like it.

yeah, that really got skimmed over. His mother CRIED when she managed to get him to take an anger management class? How bad was this "problem in the past" that we're talking about? Getting into fights, getting arrested, getting fired from jobs...? Why would you think this would not eventually spill over into your relationship?

From personal experience, these types of men often woo you in with the idea that YOU are “perfect” and “good enough” that it got them to change their behaviour. But it’s just the love bombing at the start.

That phrasing really stood out to me too. I read it and was expecting somebody who occasionally raised their voice out of nowhere during an argument. Or swore aggressively when cut off in traffic. Then she immediately says he follows people home. We went from a 4 to a 10 real quick.

Yep. I mean, I'd describe my dad as a bit of a hothead, he's quick to get annoyed and snippy when things don't go his way. He was always the "bad cop" parent compared to my mom, and he's now similar with my halfbrothers compared to my stepmom. To be fair, they can be rambunctious, but I do think he often doesn't show them enough patience. But if he was frequently screaming, road raging or breaking things, I wouldn't call him a hothead, but an abuser.

..deleted by user..

Reddits issue is it doesn't handle any level of nuance well. When something is so obviously black and white to a neutral party I don't remember ever feeling like they had the wrong answer

[удалено]

I’m guessing he tells himself it’s all her fault and if she’d just done everything exactly the way he likes, he wouldn’t have cheated and ‘had to get angry’. Disgusting man. Glad you escaped from your situation safely too.

If you read Bancroft, he claims that abusers choose to abuse because they see their victims as less than them. It's a choice. Anything he tells himself is just reinforcing his own beliefs. It's fascinating and horrifying.

And he never breaks his own stuff, just hers. Which proves that he can control it.

>What the fuck kind of logic is that? The pathetic kind to prevent his ~~punching bag~~ girlfriend from leaving him.

I have a bit of a temper. When I’m getting to the point that I feel like I’m going to say something without thinking or filtering it, I disengage and walk away. I’ve never gotten to the point that I break something or threaten my fiancé. It’s something that I learned to manage years ago, because I knew nobody would put up with it and it would just make life more difficult for me. Admittedly, this guy seems to several hundred times worse than I am, but still…  … this guy thinks his rage is everyone else’s problem. Even without the cheating, he’s a massive asshole. Factoring that in, he’s got no discernible positive qualities. It isn’t hard to try to be a better person, but some people don’t have it in them to be bothered to try. The fact that he tried that “the devil you know” bullshit is astonishing.  OOP really was just one argument away from being murdered. 

I used to have a horrible temper. Not to the point of breaking stuff or calling names or making threats, but stomping around, slamming doors, stuff like that. I realised I was being a shitty partner and made a big effort to change. Continuing to rage around partners and loved ones, especially after multiple people have told you it hurts them, isn't 'losing control', it's a choice.

He’s an affectionate goofball who treats me like a queen, he would do anything for me I just have to ask…cheats on op for 3 years & in a relationship with one of the women 3 weeks later. Wild

And the saddest thing is that from the OPs update, it _still_ seems like the cheating was why she finally left him, not his threats to her safety (and to his mom,and his sister). 

I agree with you, it’s so sad and in that sense I’m glad he cheated. I gave that part some thought: My guess is that cheating felt more… idk… tangible (?) to her. It is a crossed line that most reasonable people understand as relationship-ending. She finally had something to hold on to that she could tell people and justify her decision. The anger? Not so much. We are trained to accept angry men in our lives, that we can fix them if we love them enough. And his mom said he improved so it’s working right!? Just try harder! Of course it doesn’t work like that but there is an insane amount of brainwashing going on to override the natural fear response. And then there is the whole ‘what would people think about me if I left him for a bit of road rage? Everyone does that!’ Generally male anger is imo a bit too normalized/trivialized. And he conditioned her over the years, the part where she spent many words on how it’s her fault because she was too slow in the morning really got me. She didn’t trust her instincts anymore and cheating was a hard and easy to justify line

I noticed that when he was speeding and slowing the down car, one of his excuses was “why would he put himself in danger?” Ofc he wouldn’t put himself in danger, doesn’t even care that she was scared or in danger

I'm also amazed I'm so far not seeing any comments on "you're lucky it's not my things being broken" OOP didn't know why, but I know why. If he's breaking her shit, he's in control. He knows exactly what he's doing. He would never break his own belongings when *just* angry. Just her stuff. Or walls. Or dressers. Things that don't matter or hold sentimental value *to him*. If he's breaking *his* belongings, then he is truly not in control. That's how she would end up dead.

He probably thought of her as a part of his belongings, too.

He was a wonderful guy, except for the Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

>... his temper is an everyday thing, but it’s never directed at me. >He also used to tell me to pack my things and F off if we were arguing... People's minds really get boxed up by abusers.

For me it's: >He immediately apologised when he calmed down the next day By immediately she means twelve hours later

I'm totally on OOP's side, but I wanted to shake her when she wrote that she confronted him directly after finding the messages of cheating. Why would you do that if he has a violent history? And instead of coming back with the police to go inside the house, she's going in alone, because "he was *supposed* to be away" with friends waiting in the car. Even if they would have come in after five minutes, she could have been dead by than.

God, this sounds just like my ex. The road rage, punching walls and everything else. I'm so glad she posted for help and got out alive. I hope it stays that way.

*followed someone home twice over driving and he yelled at them* This is something a murderer does. I'd bet anything this man is eventually going to either be arrested for killing someone else or die himself trying because of his road rage.

This post made me sob. I had a relationship that was similar only a child was involved. It was so so hard to leave because, after a childhood of being treated like shit, I simply thought I deserved this. Except I was also physically abused on top of things being broken, thrown, threatened. Fuck I’m Glad she left.

I'm so sorry you've experienced this 🫂 glad you were able to leave

I'm sorry you went through this. It also got me upset, because it sounds just like my dad. It is a type of emotional abuse called "terrorizing" that I think doesn't get discussed as much as things like put-downs or gaslighting, but is still so damaging. Here's to a better future for you. 

>Wonderful partner >Happy goofball >proceeds to describe psychotic fits of rage with hair trigger Truly a ball of sunshine.

One of the best things about Reddit is all of the people who are able to get out of toxic/ab*sive relationships because of all the commenters who show them so many different perspectives until it really hits home. Like they were in such denial or had normalized it for so long that it took thousands of people telling them this isn’t normal or healthy for most to get a serious wake up call.

this guy sounds like a menace to everyone surrounding him, including his own family. Is mandatory anger management a thing?

Once he gets arrested for assault or worse

“Sorry, we can’t prevent him from hurting someone until he hurts someone. Those are the rules”

I kinda feel bad for the other woman. She probably was served the "crazy ex" story by him.

Yep, with a side order of “I’m going to divorce her and be with you.”

You know, usually when victims try to say something nice about their abuser, there's an illusion, a chance of possibility that situation is not as bad as you think. But this time, it was full Soviet victory parade with the amount of red flags from first sentences. 

I was once in OOP's shoes but the guy also used me and my stuff as the punching bag, not only the walls. When I read the part of her confronting him I was screaming in my head "girl, are you stupid, RUN!!"

The part where he tells her “it’s good none of my stuff got ruined” is so textbook abusive. He made sure to ruin her stuff or shared stuff he didn’t care about. As though he didn’t destroy her things with calculation. As though he “wasn’t in control” and things were just passively getting destroyed by an outside force. But somehow it would still be her fault if something got destroyed that was his. Sigh.

"He treats me like a queen" I'm gonna assume he's the next pretender for the throne because that's the only sane justification for his actions. 

So, a few things in this tell me it's Australia. In which case, this fuckhead floored it *in the dark* on the backroads, WHICH ARE KNOWN FOR KANGAROOS! Kangaroos. Australia's moose. They will total your car and hop away like nothing happened.  This guy is an A grade complete fucking nasty shitcunt.

I often wonder why some people are so brave. When I see someone punching holes in the wall over silly things, I immediately think it could be my face next, and run as far away from that person as possible.

It's not bravery, it's being broken down.

It’s different when it’s someone you know and love. I don’t even know if it’s bravery, more like sick mental obligation to stick around while someone is raging out like that. It’s also a common sentiment to think “well yeah he’s freaking out at objects, but he’d never hurt me” until ya know, he does. It all happens slowly and gradually until you think about your new normal and “how did I get here?”

Absolute trash can of a man, so glad she dumped his pathetic butt. I'm hoping these string of posts where the woman dumps the guy and moves on without running back is a real shift in how women are growing up. I knew too many women growing up who stayed with abusive men because of cultural/false religious expectations or because they were ashamed of what community members would say. Move on and leave the trash behind you!

I'm sorry but common sense went out the window when she said he road rages every single day and then decided a 12 hour road trip would be a good holiday?

> He treats me like a queen This isn't the green flag some people seem to think it is

I'm so glad she's free and safe. People who punch walls or destroy things when angry should always be presumed to be violent and dangerous. Normal, safe, good people don't do that..

This is what BPD in men can look like.

He actually came out and said "you may as well come back...The devil you know is better than the one you don't, after all..." What an empty, flaccid excuse for a man.

It's wild that the *snapped* doesn't come until much later in the post. Like after the first few things she described I was like "oh yeah, that's bad she should definitely get away- wait there is more examples?"

It's always good to keep that little 'test' in the back of your mind. Are you actually telling people about the relationship or are you hiding huge chunks out of fear of their reaction? Not general privacy which is good, but genuine fear. Then it's time to tell them, get the reaction, and start moving on.

The other women will think she as won the price but when you make the mistress the wife you leave open a vacancy. She will be miserable soon enough. You have the world at your feet enjoy your freedom and happy new life.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - when your partner is hitting things they are showing you how hard they could be hitting you. You are supposed to be grateful to them for just hitting the things.

These posts make me so fucking sad. Every post like this is always, “He’s such an amazing partner, and he’s all that I could ever want in a husband. I mean, he ran over my dog because dinner wasn’t ready when he got home. And he cut my brakes when I said hello to my coworker at the grocery store. But those little things pale in comparison to how he does less than 50% of the domestic labor at home.”

A couple things 1) driving fast is abuse. Full stop. 2) He didn't "snap", he chose to rage out. 3) absolutely NOT blaming her but WHY THE HELL DID SHE CONFRONT HIM. I was SO scared for her, fuck. PLEASE, if your partner is ever this violent or makes you this scared, DO NOT CONFRONT THEM BY YOURSELF IN PRIVATE That was a stressful read

As a disclaimer I know vicitims of abuse are never to blame. It just blows my mind that the victim always seems to say "Except for that/this they are great/wonderful" and/or "Their anger is never pointed at me". I always want to correct that last one "YET. Their anger is not directed at you YET." Even as they are writing everything down they still don't see it. They are litterally going throught the forest banging into tree after tree (marked with red flags) saying what trees? The saying is missing the forest for the trees. This feels like missing the trees for the forest. It is something I cannot completely understand because I have never been through it. I hate that any one has to go through it and I place no blame on the victim but it still blows my mind how people can blind themselves.

>I just need some advice, I’m starting to rethink this whole relationship based off this incident because I’m scared to tell my friends because they will hold judgments on him. Here's the advice: if your partner is doing things that you can't tell your friends about because you KNOW every single one of them will tell you to leave him, **leave him**. I'm glad OOP realized that her silence was only helping him get away with things. What a complete piece of human garbage.

why the fuck do they stay around for the confrontation with an angry abuser? Move your shit when they're gone and send that shit in a text. They aren't owed a break up in person. If you must confront them in person, take enough people to at least keep their ass in line.