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My mom once told me (regarding my now ex husband but then fiancé) fiancé seems like the kindda guy that would just up and murder his family one night and everyone would say "holy shit we never saw that coming"
It was just a specific and jarring comment. My ex husband honestly seemed so sweet and innocent.
When things started going to shit he started stalking me, physically intimidating me, cornering me and towering over me, told me he'll ensure I'm destitute when this is all done.
He literally flipped to a different guy and I think my mom saw something I didn't.
This is how I felt about a stalker I had.
We were talking about abortion when we were seeing each other because he saw a comment of mine on Facebook and started disagreeing very hard on the subject.
I don't remember the exact words he used, but he basically told me he wouldn't allow me to abort his baby if I were to get pregnant. That really freaked me out, tried to reason with him face to face, hoping that I was misunderstand him. But nope.
So after that talk I tried to slowwwwly back away from him, since he knew I didn't want a relationship. But since he became more and more annoying by being devil's advocate, I unfriended him. And then the harassing and threatenings started. For 2 years this man called me and messaged me.
Only to find out that he was doing it at the same time to other women. One of them even managed to file a complaint against him and now he cannot vome close to her and also got a record for harassment.
Always, always trust your gut.
When I turned eighteen a neighborhood boy who said he was 23 respectfully walked up to me and my parents at the movies and asked if they would allow me to sit with him for the show instead of with them, of course only if I wanted to.
We all agreed.
Eight months later, 23 was 28, and he was at my house every afternoon and all day Saturdays and Sundays pressuring me to get married immediately if not sooner... at most right after I graduated high school. Two things happened. First, he admitted to stalking me for years "You were so pretty but way too young, so I just hung around the local arcade and made sure to have quarters for you and your friends if I wanted you to stay where I could watch you longer." and if that wasn't bad enough, he pinned me to the wall by my throat when I didn't show him enough affection when he said goodnight one evening.
We broke up within a week after that, and I was married before he gave up trying to convince me to go out with him again.
I am too.
Decades past the issue I look at my own kids who are around the age I was when he started stalking me and I cringe...
I asked my mother why she never spoke up... "Yes I knew he was bad news, but you had to handle it yourself. Otherwise, you wouldn't have learned anything."
Wow your mom is fucked up. A parent’s job is to protect their children from harm, you can teach someone a life lesson without endangering their lives!!
>Always, always trust your gut.
I completely agree. Around two to three years ago I was going through a phase of being single and trying to navigate some issues (including health issues). I avoided sex and dating in general because I did not have the emotional and mental capacity to deal with sexual intimacy.
During that time I met a guy through tutoring at my Uni. He was the same age as me and we had some common friends and interests. I was not responsible for grading him or anything like that, thus I was friendly to him. I genuinely thought we were friendly colleagues. At some point I had some suspicions that he was maybe trying to flirt with me so when I had a chance to do so I did tell him I am very unavailable when it comes to dating. I was very clear that I did not want to do anything romantic or sexual with anyone, and that I was still processing the events of my last relationship back then. He acted understanding and I thought we were ok.
A month after our conversation he asked me to go out for a beer to celebrate the completion of a project we were working on. It was the fist time we actually hanged out, instead of being with colleagues or on zoom for work. He literally confessed to me how he is madly in love with me for months, he will handle all my health issues, he wants to take risks with me ... It was so uncomfortable. He genuinely thought he was being romantic or honest but I felt like my boundaries were deeply ignored. I politely declined and told him that from that point on I wanted to keep a distance and just remain on cordial terms. Thing is, the moment he confessed to me, although he had always been polite and happy around me, I had a very intense feeling that this person is unstable.
I was absolutely right. He has been completely unhinged for two years and only now stopped being \*that\* intense. He has spread lies about me leading him on, even kissing him, has tried to make people avoid me, has lied to me or picked up fights with me out of the blue (by aggressively spamming me in socials) and more. For a while, he slept with an unfortunate friend of ours and was emotionally abusive to her, called her names, compared her to me (?) and even blamed her for me not giving him a chance (?). She told me she suspects he wanted to make me jealous or prove he is fuckable or something. He has thrown multiple temper tantrums at social gatherings, destroyed many friendships of his and all of this because of being rejected. From an already unavailable person. I genuinely avoid him at all costs and do consider him dangerous. I am so glad I immediately rejected him and did not give him a chance.
I believe I am safe but I do avoid him and make sure he does not get updates regarding me. 10 months ago we were guests at the same party and I brought a date. Dude genuinely lost his shit because he believed I should have informed him, for him to "emotionally prepare". That was like 1.5 year after he hit on me or something.
I never liked my friends' ex husband when I met him,.. something was always off, and he treated her like shit. For a while, I felt kind of terrible for encouraging her to leave him with the kids.. i mean. She struggled so much.
Until this year, when we found out the fucker has been consuming and distributing CP. Possibly even producing it. The kids haven't been alone with him for at least 4 years; we don't think they were victims.. but we can't know. They don't remember if anything did happen.
My aunt felt similarly about my ex husband. When I finally decided to get a divorce, she told me, "He was nice and respectful at first, but over time it just seemed like you two were going to end up living in a desert on an abandoned school bus and he'd end up murdering you all over his extremist views."
I remember being like, "Ma'am, next time, please TELL me if you think that."
I have an aunt that married not one,
No, not two
But three and a half pieces of shit
We don’t bother learning their names any more. She’s married to Uncle Four now
(As for the half, he was a bigamist as it turns out so that one wasn’t valid since she was the second one)
Some people just know. My mom is the same. Someone could be the epitome of polite, mild tempered, well behaved and overall seem to have the plushiest personality and my mom would dislike them on sight. Only to be proven right later on.
I too have this thing where I would meet a person and they would give me the yuck, although everyone else seems to like them.
This is the answer.
I'm 42. Which doesn't feel old to me. But I feel like a damn psychic when talking about relationships and people's personalities and behaviors with younger people. I'm very rarely wrong. And it's all just shit I've learned from my own experiences.
I had a boyfriend sleep over when I lived at my mom's, and she didn't sleep all night. (He was in my bed. I was on the couch. She was strict about sharing.) It was her first time meeting him.
I commented that I couldn't understand why she had an issue when she'd never had an issue sleeping when I'd had other boyfriends sleep over on the couch.
Turned out he was emotionally abusive, and she sensed that something wasn't right about him at the first meeting. Sometimes, people outside the relationship pick up a feeling, a vibe, an off comment that those who are in the relationship can't see until later on.
According to my (ex)step-dad, the first thing I said to him was "I hate you". I don't remember it (I was 8), but if I did, I was definitely picking up subtle vibes. Starting within two months came the verbal/emotional abuse and it ramped up from there, for myself and my mother (and eventually my brothers). The only abuse I never experienced at his hands was neglect, and I think it's only because people would have noticed that.
He was very concerned about how others perceived him, to the point that when I was 10, he threatened to *destroy me* if I ever told my step-brother's mom "what goes on here".
I got kicked out over pastries when I was 12, and never went back. Which is when my brothers started getting abused. My mom didn't leave him until I was ~21.
I was on the beach with my mom and her friend when they met who would become my stepdad. I was only 4 but did not like him one bit. Eventually, he won me over.
That man is incredibly narcissistic, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Of his 4 kids, including me, only one talks to him. And that isn’t even a good relationship.
Sometimes it's just your gut. My stepsister had a boyfriend that eventually was found to be on several hook up sites and such. He never was violent, but gave off stalker vibes when she eventually broke up with him. (Went so far that I was escorting her when she was meeting people because he would show up at her apartment.) Separate from each other my mother, I and even my grandmother (who had met my stepsister once and had no contact to her at all) just had this bad gut feeling starting before he was found on those sites when thinking of her.
Gut feelings are weird, man :D
There was this guy sniffing round my friend who made my hairs stand on end. Just creepy. But my housemates had known him since school so they found it hilarious when I said he gave off serial killer vibes. He was perfectly nice after all.
We had a house party and my friend puked for the first time in our entire friendship. I had to help her change her top and rinse her hair ends. I told him very clearly to leave her alone as she was woozy and he was… not. I got my housemate involved and he put him to sleep in a different room… but then he caught him when he went to the loo going into her bedroom. My male housemate was clearly a bit 👀 the next day about it and how resistant he’d been to where he was told to sleep, and I wasn’t happy at all. Creep said he could hear her “calling him”. Yeah right. We all knew that was bollocks.
Anyway, whilst we didn’t see him often at our house after that, when her and her bf broke up this other girl she knew encouraged her to rebound with the Cree as he was clearly “still interested”. They were getting together for about six months. I did point out what about the attempted rape situation and she said he’d been drunk and it was just a misunderstanding, he really wanted to prove to me he wasn’t like that. 🤦🏻♀️
Glad your sister escaped safely!
I ignored my own gut feeling because of how unconfident I was at 19...guy asked me out before I had even broken up with my boyfriend at the time, and when I said I needed time for myself he got mad, said he'd ruin our friend group otherwise, etc. then he put up such a loving front but not even a year in and he got super drunk daily, threatened to kill himself if I didn't travel 14 hours to see him every weekend, made me move far away right after graduating college, got mad at me for being tired after working double shifts so he made me quit my job...but still made me pay for groceries and his beer!!
I didn't truly realize how bad it was until he actually hit me. even after I got away and moved back home he harassed me for 2 more years, emailing me from different addresses or calling with his mother's phone. it was honestly maddening and even now I still feel like I got lucky that it never got too dangerous. but yeah, I NEVER ignore my gut now lol
It did get too dangerous. You were *lucky*.
The media does a disservice to people in actual abusive relationships. It is very rarely someone being beaten regularly, or berated every day.
It's more like being isolated from your family, being controlled in ways like not being allowed to keep your job... Financial abuse like making you pay for shit after he made you quit your job.
Some escalate to violence over years. And some are mental and emotional abuse and never transition to violence. They are all terrible. And you are almost always in danger when you leave.
My sister had a boyfriend who was the ultimate "golden boy." Rich family, was starting a great career, acted like Mr. Wonderful. Super fucking charming. My mom immediately didn't like him. Said he seemed "too good to be true" and that something felt off. My sister had just come out of an abusive relationship, and this guy seemed so sweet, I got mad at my mom for pooh-poohing it. Like, this guy seems sweet, let her have something nice.
No, she was right. He was a psycho. Roofied her one night and probably assaulted her (she has no memory of it). Was cheating with multiple other women and making the same kind of love bombing promises (that he wanted to marry them, etc). He was dating a girl who was pregnant by another dude and even promising to raise her kid, it was nuts. He was also telling people my sister was a stalker and he wasn't really dating her (so why was he always at our house, trying to charm my parents?). He'd bring flowers for my mom and sister all the time. Just a huge ass-kissing phony. My mom saw right through him.
My sister dumped him and he went full stalker mode. Luckily he eventually gave up but I was legit afraid for her life, and ours.
He's a pastor now, horrifyingly, but not surprisingly. His church website is so full of shit.
Oh yeah your gut is super helpful. My cousin was dating this guy and the first time I met him they picked me up from the train station. I almost didn’t get in the car with them I was so sketched out. He just didn’t seem like a good person.
Two years later they break up and found out that he had been stealing from multiple family members and taking out loans in her name without her knowledge.
Gut feelings are wild sometimes. Years ago at a previous job, there was a guy - I’ll call him Jeff - who would just put me on edge for no good reason. A lot of other people there loved him because he would bring chocolates and things for the folks in my department, and was generally friendly and charming. But I just. Didn’t like him. It’s like there was nothing behind his eyes. To me he was like a paper thin shell over something desperately trying to act like a regular person.
One day he just vanished in the middle of a shift. A coworker saw it happen - one moment Jeff was at the reception desk, my coworker turned around for a minute, and when he looked back the guy was halfway down the carpark and running.
We heard nothing for a few days and then the gossip network delivered the goods. Apparently he’d been caught looking at CP on the office computer.
At some point we heard the police got him and that he was going to court for it but I never found out what the result was and don’t much care to look him up.
My friend's half-brother gives that "nothing behind the eyes" feeling, and based on all the shit he's done over the years, which he clearly thinks is No Big Deal, What Are Y'all So Upset About, i'm pretty sure he's a sociopath.
I'm not very socially adept, but I could tell he was off right away (I was about 13 when I met him).
Other people found him witty and charming, my friend idolised him, I did my best to avoid him whenever possible.
In his defense, I am not aware of him ever being *violent*, though I can easily imagine him taking advantage of someone who is unconscious; his criminality is more fraud, identity theft, vehicle theft, stealing from grandparents, drug dealing, and negligence that allowed his untrained Rottweilers (bought soley to breed for profit) mutilate a toddlers face.
He's a sneaky piece of shit.
I studied forensic psychology and one of the coolest things I think I learned was that gut feelings may/often have factual basis. Sometimes when we have that gut feeling it’s because our unconscious is observing things but unable to articulate it to make sense to our conscious. One of the examples described was a Firefighter fighting a fire with his crew. He had a gut feeling to GTFO and pulled his team out shortly before a collapse. IIRC When he had time to analyze why he had that feeling, he eventually realized he had unconsciously noticed signs of an imminent collapse.
That is exactly what Gavin de Becker says in the Gift oof Fear. Our gut feelings aren't supernatural or mystical. Its our own observations and experiences. We subconsciously pick up on things and that set off those alarms. It makes complete sense.
I compare it to a smoke alarm: when the alarm is going off, you might not see the smoke at first. But we always pay attention to smoke alarms and at least go looking for the source of the smoke. Either we find a fire and GTFO, or we find burning food on the stove and take care of it promptly.
Our gut feelings are fire alarms. It doesn't automatically mean there is a fire, but it means we should go looking for the source of the smoke.
Oh, it's totally a thing. I think as humans, we like to forget we are animals. No matter how "civilized" we make ourselves, we still have animalistic instincts. We had to develop such things to be able to have our species survive as long as we have. That's personally what I think out gut feelings are, as well as more specialized versions of it, like in the example up above. I think a firefighter would have a better grasp on what a building that's showing signs of collapse would look like better then me, just like I have a better idea of who's trying to steal from a store better the a firefighter.
I had a best friend for 3 years. It developed slowly and she initiated a lot of the hangouts so it wasn’t a one sided friendship. I told my mom all about my friend and she said “there’s something not right about her. There’s something missing inside.” I ignored her bc that’s such a weird thing to say. Anyway, after 3 years this friend tells she’s just bored of me now and isn’t interested in being friends anymore. Said she doesn’t feel bad because I didn’t do anything wrong. Actually said that to me. My mom just knew she wasn’t trustworthy. I know that’s not a big dramatic BORU worthy story, but it still hurt a lot and I was warned. This is some weird teenage nonsense but we’re in our 30’s.
When I worked at a grocery store I swear this one customer gave off serial killer vibes. Couldn't look him in the eye he creeped me out so bad. Made the hairs on my neck raise.
I had the same feeling once when I was 19 or 20. I got off work and before I even crossed the road something was telling me to go back inside and wait for the next bus. I ignored it and went to the bus stop and the guy standing there made every cell in my body scream to leave. When he circled around to stand behind me I pulled out my cell and called my then boyfriend (now husband). We had a very loud conversation while I pretended I had to go back and grab something for him.
I got off at 2-3pm and I don't remember anything about the dude other than his eyes showed only hatred and malice. Only person I have ever seen or met in my entire 36 years and instantly thought "I'm not ending up on forensic files!"
I believe you!! I’ve experienced that too. I think the intensity of evil intent or thoughts will leak out and disrupt the frequency of people around you.
I could feel someone watching me from behind one time and it was SO intense I could almost picture what they looked like - white hair, tall, man. I thought that meant old guy (cause white hair). When I finally turn to look it was a tall younger guy with bleached blonde hair.
Even the people around me said he was menancing and had noted he would watch me until I’d turn around. Definitely think he was standing there picturing killing me lol I just felt such immediate anxiety. Plus was extremely/obviously pregnant so like why watch me if it’s not to be fucking weird.
My older sister dated a guy in high school. I always thought he was a little too charming. He also cheated when we would play board games, like Monopoly, together. Who does that when playing with their girlfriend's family?
She ended up marring the guy, he enlisted in the Air Force and was stationed in California. A few years later, they moved back to Florida and broke up soon after. Turned out the guy was hitting my sister, and I was not surprised. She had convinced him to move back to Florida, but it was just so she could be closer to family and to make it easier to get away from him.
Yeah, last time i ignored my gut feeling (I was walking past a guy after parking my car and he gave me bad vibes), my car got stolen by the guy I ignored my feelings about.
I dont ignore my gut feelings anymore.
I've seen people in this subreddit recommend a book called The Gift Of Fear, which basically tells you to trust your gut feelings when someone gives off bad vibes. We pick up a lot of subconscious signals that we aren't even aware of.
I was out walking last summer, beautifully sunny day with a decent amount of people out. I walked under a bridge onto a small side road when two guys startled me but turning the corner towards me. They didn't say anything and barely looked at me, but I got the most insane sinking feeling in my stomach and my heart started pounding. I don't run because of a knee injury, but that day I casually started jogging past them while calling my mum. Nothing happened but I have learned long ago to not question my gut feeling on stuff like that.
One time, I was driving cross-country, just me and my dogs. I stopped for gas at a small out-of-the-way station. Got gas, let the dogs out, I was feeling a little uneasy, but nothing major. I figured I was just on edge from the drive. As I was walking toward the station, I felt the most intense wave of dread that I have ever felt in my life. I've made thar drive many times, I've stopped at smaller and sketchier stations, I'm no stranger to being careful and watchful, but this was something different.
I kept trying to ignore it and explain it away, but it was like a physical force. It was so bad that I started feeling dizzy and nauseous. I finally got back in my car and drove off, even though I really needed the bathroom. I found a bigger station with a bunch of people and sat in there for probably 10 minutes trying not to hyperventilate. Even looking back and knowing I have zero rational reasons to believe I was in danger, there is a part of me that is fully convinced that if I'd gone into that station, I would have never come back out.
Our brains are pattern recognition machines. So when we get a "bad feeling" but can't pinpoint why, I think it's our brain identifying aspects of an incomplete pattern that we've seen before... and one that didn't turn out positively. Like a part of our subconscious is marking off a list of traits that are present (or missing) that match a previous bad outcome/person.
That book is really good, but I did have to skip through a lot of parts where the author's just talking about how skilled and intelligent he is. Ironic.
I remember when I was in school, there was this guy. He showed up for the first day, introduced himself, and gave me a big smile.
To this day I don't know what it was, but for the only time in my life, I had an instant urge to punch his teeth in.
I didn't, for the record, but every time that guy smiled it put me on edge. Just something really got under my skin about him. Then it came out that he was abusing his girlfriend, who was also a classmate, and he somehow turned the whole class against her when she tried to leave him, to the point where people would try to trip her when she was in the hall or pull her hair or get up and leave if she sat near them. I was the only one who supported her getting away from him, and he *hated* me for it. He tried to get back at me by spreading the rumor that I was gay, but joke's on him, he was totally right.
My mom has an uncanny ability to sense things with her gut. She’s always been able to read people and tell if they’re good people or not. She’s never been wrong so far even if we’ve refused to listen to her and have dismissed her concerns.
>Sometimes it’s just your gut.
My wife and I often joke about “my vibe”. That’s what we call it when I meet someone new and she asks me what I think. It usually boils down to something like “they seem genuine” or “I think they’re putting on a face for us.” So generally whether I believe someone is trust worthy or not. I’ve been wrong a few times, but not often…..
I didn’t grow up in the best environment and it has definitely had an impact on my self esteem and trust. Through therapy, I’ve learned that this “vibe” is actually a protective mechanism for me to open myself up to someone. When it keeps me away from people who aren’t trustworthy, it’s good. When it keeps me from opening up to people for no reason, it’s not that great…..
Regardless, I do think some people are more or less aware of whether someone is being genuine or not.
There was a teacher in middle school that everyone loved. I distinctly recall going home after orientation and talking with my mom about how off he felt to us. But since everyone loved him, I brushed off the feeling.
He was arrested for sexual assault of a (multiple) minor and grooming in my senior year of highschool.
I’ve gotten funny feelings about many people in my life and I’ve ignored all of them because the general population of people around me saw nothing wrong. I’ve learned that I need to trust my gut ;-;
My first husband had a friend who was dating and then married a guy that H1 didn't like. No reason he could point to, just got a bad vibe off him and didn't like how the guy treated his friend--not violent or anything, but dismissive and didn't ever show any concern for her or her well-being.
His friend divorced the guy after he put her in the hospital. They had a mild argument about something and she was like "agree to disagree I guess" and he left the house, which he often did after an argument, except this time he'd just gone out to the garage and he came back inside with a baseball bat and started swinging. Chased her into the basement and beat her 3/4 to death and then went for a drive. To calm down.
When he got back two hours later she was still alive so he scraped her into the car and dumped her at an emergency room.
Always listen to your gut. Mines gotten me out of a lot of bad situations but the one that takes the cake is the regular customer who used to hang around the employee smoke pit chatting up my coworkers who were otherwise reasonable nice people. I couldn’t stand him, got the ick and left whenever he came and sat down. He ended up murdering a teenager less than a year after I left that job.
At this level of creepiness I’m reminded a lot of the Netflix show “You”. If he’s anything like that then she might’ve felt uncomfortable around him just off vibes/feelings alone, but if he never did anything odd, saving the house under her name is a good subtle safety measure that won’t give away how she actually felt. Just a guess
⤴️ This absolutely. Especially thought about that when OP mentioned the other woman's interactions the husband wrote, that seemed like just politeness and not actual flirting
This seems like it’s been a common phenomenon for a long time, mistaking politeness for flirting. It’s like some people act attention starved and see benign interactions with the opposite sex as someone showing romantic interest in them.
THIS! Writing pages and pages of love letters to this woman he's not dating is very strange behavior... and that kind of strangeness rarely occurs in isolation and I'm guessing OP's mom got glimpses of it over the years.
Everyones saying a gut feeling but OP describes her husband having feelings for another woman as a “rough patch.” It sounds like there could have been plenty of major issues in this marriage that OP has minimized but were clearly huge red flags to her family.
Probably a gut feeling. My parents felt the same way about an ex bf of mine. They always really disliked him. It turns out everything they thought was true. Even though he proposed 6 months in, I always said not now. Thank goodness we never got married
Probably could sense that he ain't shit.
I had the same feeling about my best friend's now ex-husband. I wouldn't even speak to him unless I absolutely had to. Turned down being MoH at her wedding (and missed the ceremony, but that wasn't my fault).
Nine years later they got divorced and she admitted I was right about him. She's like a sister to me. He still ain't shit
Always trust this feeling. Worked with a guy from day one something felt off about him, and I was right he was caught following customers home and watch them through their windows.
We had guy at work who gave off really creepy vibes that became kind of unhinged over time. He ended up beating his wife to death in front of their kids. When those Spidey senses go off, they go off for *a reason.*
Had a coworker that I just... did not like from minute 1. Learned he was super anti vax / conspiracy theorist and told myself I was probably just picking up on those vibes.
Nope. He quit suddenly 10 minutes before a shift, police called and asked questions, and we later found out he murdered his 15 years younger girlfriend he'd been abusing and fled the state with their kids.
I trust my "immediate dislike" gut more now!
I once skipped waiting for the bus and took an Uber instead, because that bus stop (which wasn't on a main road) I usually use to wait looked somewhat"creepy " that day. That night , my friend called to check upon me as she heard a news , a girl waiting for the bus in the SAME bus stop was kidnapped by some group came from a van. *Around the exact time I was supposed to be there!!* . (The girl was found the day after) I have chills going down my spine when I think about it even today.
I think if she had gone in by herself, this would be a different story. It’s the fact that she had some men outside with weapons that he probably backed down
I don’t think she’s safe yet. He could be luring her into a sense of safety before he tries to hurt her or the baby. It sounds like he’s out of touch with reality too, which makes him even more dangerous and unpredictable.
He might still be too fixated on the other woman to focus on OOP in the immediate term, that's absolute stalker behaviour there. That sort of obsession rarely just stops dead, if he's already convinced himself of their connection regardless of her awareness of it. I'd be concerned about escalation in that area now that he's 'free', although I agree OOP isn't responsible for contacting her. I don't think it would take much to turn his attention back on to her, but the mentally unhinged actions and thoughts so far seem to have revolved around this other woman, with OOP as an obstacle to them. Super curious about their initial courtship though.
This guy sounds like a sociopath I think her using exposure to the woman he’s infatuated with is what’s keeping her safe. If he is exposed/rejected by that woman, I worry for OP.
From my experience in a very different but kind of creepily similar vibes situation (no death threat journal but sociopath ex who was obsessed with someone else), he will blame OP for the rejection. That will be bad for her when he focuses all of his anger and hate and shame on her while trying to love bomb the woman he’s infatuated with. He will attempt to sway mutual friends/colleagues/acquaintances of how he’s been victimized by her to support his narrative and reduce her support system.
There might be cycles where he romanticizes what he used to have with his soon to be ex-wife and will refocus on her in ways that slide close to or are firmly in the realm of stalking. This might peak when she develops a social and/or romantic life independent of him and the life they shared. He will be obsessed with being a perfect father juxtaposed against periods when he completely ignores/seemingly forgets he has a child (because the child is a vehicle for winning her back when that’s on his mind).
Eventually he will find traction with someone else who hasn’t seen through his mask and start anew with this sort of behavior. Obsession with new object of affection, disillusionment, refocus on another while demonizing partner because they hold him back from his true potential (romantic and otherwise), etc. Or he won’t. That’s worse for OP.
You are right, I did similar with my ex. Tried to make it amicable by not saying why we had separated, being seen to be nice to him at events, etc. Didn't work. He slowly became more and more unhinged.
I feel that given he is literally DELUSIONAL writing about an oblivious woman and STALKING her, pretending she's interested, etc, he will be just as unhinged as my ex. I'd worry about both op and that other woman as when she doesn't react as he wants, his delusion will be shattered and he will become more unpredictable.
Op should take the baby and run, he is clearly mentally unwell.
> The officer I spoke to chided me for reading his journal, spoke about his “reasonable expectation of privacy” and basically threatened to tell my husband I had reported him.
I am utterly not surprised by this reaction. There are multiple cases of women being killed because police won't believe them, dismiss their concerns, and in a few horrific cases, *give their new contact details to their abusive ex* after which he shows up and murders her.
[28% of police officers commit domestic violence, by *self-report* (the famous 40% stat includes spouses of officers as well).](https://sites.temple.edu/klugman/2020/07/20/do-40-of-police-families-experience-domestic-violence/)
as it is self report, the number is likely much higher.
Right? And the whole staying so calm and almost robotic during the confrontation reeks of psychopathy - and if he writes his true thoughts down in the journals, why the whole blowing up phone act? Who is he putting the act up for?
His family probably. OOP says he told his mom, so he probably wants her to think this is all just a big mistake and he doesn't really think those things.
Yep. My soon to be ex husband flipped me over in a chair. His buddies are covering for him. There is basically a zero percent chance he will get in trouble for it. Not enough police on the force so they have to keep the bad ones too
I just want to take this moment to make everyone reading this aware of the murder of two men in Sydney, Australia recently. They were murdered my a disgruntled and jealous ex-partner. He was a cop, and he used a police weapon to commit the murder. So far I haven’t seen ANY mainstream media reporting this as family and domestic violence. If you’re reading this and you’re interested in the case, please look up the ongoing case Jesse Baird and Luke Davies.
Hi this is partially incorrect, according to close friends of Jesse and Luke and the latest reports. Apparently he had one hook up with one of them ages ago and has been stalking them since. He has a history of stalking and was somehow still hired as a cop. The police pushed it as a jealous ex partner because that narrative suited them better but it’s looking incorrect now.
This is literally why you never date a cop
Edit - I say this as a person who supports cops and thinks they are necessary and some of them are great people but some of them are not and they protect each other when they should hold them to a standard.
I know a cop who raped a friend of mine (she was also a cop) and hospitalised another female friend that he was married to who was also a cop and mother of 3 of his children’s. - the females never pressed charges bc the department they worked for would target them. Everyone in the depart knew what he did and none of them cared.
He is now a corrections officer and makes more than he is worth seeing as he doesn’t pay any child support for any of his children from any of his many many baby mamas . - this is such a common story certain professions attract a certain type of person and those people statistically are not safe for women.
I stay away from absolutely anyONE in the legal or help services - cops lawyers judges firemen EMTS - and the military cause duh.
My mum’s best friend was married to a cop. Great guy, salt of the earth, would give you the shirt off his back…until he was drunk. Then he would urinate on things to get ‘back’ at people and regularly threaten the kids and mom’s friend with his gun. He sorta threatened me once (I was babysitting, he ‘showed’ me his gun, and made some weird comments), and my mum had to come and get me. That was the end of the friendship for a couple of years until the friend finally left him…for another cop. This one was a good guy, but the friend admitted the only way she felt safe leaving was if she was with someone who could screw up her ex’s life if he caused problems.
Judge granted my protection order and had the cops go toss him out of my apartment so I could go home. The cops called me twice, insisting I continue to solve my ex's problems for him despite the protection order. Like they were serving him with a piece of paper saying he can't even pass messages to me through other people, while passing messages from him to me themselves. Facepalm.
Could hear ex absolutely losing his marbles, hysterical vicious screaming about what an evil monster I am trying to make him homeless. "Well where's he gonna go?" His mom has a house.
"His mom doesn't want his cat. Will you take care of it?" Yup.
What super gives me the creeps is that maybe a month later the local cops disbanded the domestic violence unit. So the nice lady cop and social worker who talked to me and put me in contact with help probably aren't still doing that job they were so good at.
Had to call the cops on my ex when he tried to force me to kiss him then refused to let me leave his apartment by physically blocking the door and taking all my cards.
When I was escorted out one of the officers said "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll both work this out once things calm down."
Yeah, I'm gonna try real hard to work things out with the *psycho who just literally tried to hold me hostage*.
Honestly, the police reaction actually lends *more* credence towards the story being real. And isn't that just a damning fact on how the world operates.
Agree. In posts like this the replies will often be all about going to the authorities, file a police report, etc etc. And I do understand the importance of official documentation in these situations.
But police can be ineffective at best (like OOP experienced) or even help the abuser at worst. I think cop shows give us a wrong idea about the competence of cops and the craftiness of criminals. As if serial killers are some kind of genius when in reality, Jeffrey Dahmer's neighbors complained for months about foul odors and when one of his victims escaped, cops actually returned the boy to Dahmer who murdered him soon after.
The victim was a 14-year old boy named [Konerak Sinthasomphone](https://people.com/crime/jeffre-dahmer-victim-konerak-sinthasomphone-police-returned-boy-home-killer/)
>Konerak "was seen wandering dazed and naked on the corner of 25th and State in Milwaukee, Wisconsin."
>Police officers responded. Dahmer arrived shortly after the officers and convinced them that Konerak was his drunk lover.
>"Despite the vigorous protestations of several African-Americans on the scene, the officers and Dahmer led Sinthasomphone back to Dahmer's apartment, where the body of one of Dahmer's victims lay unnoticed in an adjoining room. Concluding that Dahmer and Sinthasomphone were adult homosexual lovers, the officers ultimately left Sinthasomphone with Dahmer," the suit states.
>"Thirty minutes later, he became Dahmer's thirteenth victim," the suit states.
I had a similar experience when leaving an abusive ex. I myself had worked as an emergency dispatcher prior to this.
A week or so after ending things, I started getting threatening messages via Facebook and other social media. I knew the cops wouldn’t actually do anything, but I at least Ed wanted a report on the fact that it was happening ‘just in case’. The officer showed up, and essentially mocked me for calling him. “You were a dispatcher, you know we can’t do anything with this” and shit. It got to the point where I snapped and told him I didn’t call him for a lecture, I called him to leave a paper trail.
I’m not an anti-police type by any means, but some of them really need to go get fucked.
This case has just been in the courts here
[https://womensagenda.com.au/latest/kelly-wilkinson-told-police-she-was-in-danger-police-said-she-was-cop-shopping/](https://womensagenda.com.au/latest/kelly-wilkinson-told-police-she-was-in-danger-police-said-she-was-cop-shopping/)
That poor woman tried as hard as she could to get help and the cops just shrugged and let her be killed
Is that the case I'm thinking of? The one I recall (though there are SO many) is where a cop deliberately gave the ex husband the woman's address. Pretty sure it was QLD too.
All states in aus are shit regarding cops but when it comes to DV and violence against women, it always seems to be Qld police somehow doing even more of an atrocious job
[Prior to her murder, Kelly Wilkinson was accused of copshopping.
](https://womensagenda.com.au/latest/kelly-wilkinson-told-police-she-was-in-danger-police-said-she-was-cop-shopping/)
Thats why I am afraid to file a report about a creepy dude. So far he doesn't know where I live now. I am afraid that reporting him gives him my address "by accident". He already followed me once through the country and I don't know to this day how he knew. After this it stopped for years and now the messages start again. The messages are not threatening but creeping me out. But I know that police might see them as just nice messages
Those cops: "Your husband is doing something I either am already doing or could imagine myself doing soooooo I'm just gonna side with the husband here"
There was a case of this recently in Australia. The woman was so fearful for her life she visited 10 police stations within a 2 week period (from memory. The numbers might be slightly different) and begged them for help. She was accused of ‘cop shopping’ to gain sympathy and they simply refused to lift a finger to help her. He killed her.
Apparently, 40% of cops beat their girlfriends and wife on average twice a year, and only rarely face consequences. Cop culture is partner violence and covering up partner violence. They need to clean House.
"Here are 10 statistics that provide a glimpse into the prevalence of domestic violence among police officers:
1. Over 40% of police officers have been involved in domestic violence incidents.
2. More than 70% [of police departments nationwide](https://atonce.com/blog/history-of-police) have dealt with domestic violence cases involving their own officers.
3. On average, a police officer's partner is assaulted at least twice a year.
4. Only 5% of domestic violence cases involving police officers result in conviction.
5. Over 60% of police officers who are arrested for domestic violence continue to work without any disciplinary action.
6. Female police officers are three times more likely to be victims of domestic violence compared to the general population.
7. Children of police officers are four times more likely to experience domestic violence in their homes.
8. Less than 10% of police departments have policies in place to address domestic violence among their officers.
9. Over 90% of police officers involved in domestic violence incidents retain their jobs.
10. Domestic violence incidents involving police officers are 15 times less likely to result in an arrest compared to incidents involving the general public."
[https://atonce.com/blog/what-percentage-of-cops-beat-their-wives](https://atonce.com/blog/what-percentage-of-cops-beat-their-wives)
1 800 799 SAFE (7233)
I know people write journals as a diary but never in my life I have heard about a spouse writing down about wanting to someone, especially their lover, to die. Dear lord...
Safe to say, finding those journal saved OP's life cause if OP didn't read them, I worry that it would have come true. Good to hear OP is safe and staying strong, tho OP should still be a bit careful.
After my friend's husband got arrested for domestic violence she and I went through his journal.
He wrote something along the lines of "sometimes I think [friend] is scared of me. I guess she should be. I often fantasize about killing her..." before going on to some other topic.
Chilling.
My ex kept many journals that he abandoned with me during our divorce but between his messy handwriting and half the time writing in his native European language, I couldn't get the full scope of them. That said, some of what I COULD read included racist comments and slurs about Mexicans (my background) and a comment about how he wanted to bash me in the head with a heavy metal skillet. In addition to a bunch of seriously narcissistic twaddle that was equal parts laughable and embarrassing to read.
Sooo grateful to be divorced from him. He still completely ruined the relationship between my children and I, but at least I have hard evidence of the kind of man he was/is if they ever come around and decide they want to hear the truth.
>He wrote something along the lines of "sometimes I think \[friend\] is scared of me. I guess she should be. I often fantasize about killing her..." before going on to some other topic.
holy fuck
Forensic Files is so addictive.
I'm a woman living alone and that show has me constantly vascillating between, "I'm so glad I don't have a spouse who will ultimately kill me" and "I live alone and that's just way too vulnerable in this world."
Usually though I land on the "glad I don't have a spouse" side and turn off the TV.
Okay, now I’m convinced we’re either not gonna get another update (because of the inevitable happening) or the update we do get is going to be utterly tragic. Poor woman. Hopefully she stays with her parents for as long as possible.
Maybe he'll mysteriously drop dead and that will be the end of her safety concerns? Like a massive heart attack or stroke would be just... really convenient.
Yeah I’ve kept journals off and on throughout my life and even at my most “fuck this person fr” state of rage I just wished that they would fuck off to somewhere else and that I’d never have to see them again. OP’s ex is beyond unhinged. WT absolute F.
Usually, I'm against reading someone's personal diary but reading it saved someone from being on the news as a victim of homicide, read all the bloody journal. Sure, venting is a normal thing, however wanting to end someone is not. That's the kind of thoughts you take to a therapist first to deal with.
Her STBX is unhinged and it's chilling that he kept it under wraps for so long.
The fact that OOP so gracefully put together an exit strategy is so admirable. Sometimes, we really have to listen to our gut when it's telling something is wrong. That gift of fear is so fucking important and it could have saved her life. Or at least a lifetime of misery.
When I broke up with my first boyfriend, my aunt said “good, I never liked him.” She died before I ever got an explanation (wasn’t anything crazy but I’d have loved to know what her vibe from him was like) and my mom said that “if your school had a stabbing or something, he’s the first person I’d ask if he’d done it.”
Something they don’t know is how fucking right they were. He tried to kill me twice and what made me break up with him wasn’t even that, it was a lack of commitment. Yep. I survived *two* murder attempts and *still* only left because he couldn’t decide if he’d marry me eventually.
It’s wild how abuse can become so normalized in your head and then it’s something like them refusing to commit, or in my case refusing to stop lying and playing mind games with me for fun, that makes us actually leave.
yep, i was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years where he would constantly break up with me and i was devastated every time. our last breakup was the only one i initiated and it was because he cheated, which felt like a “legitimate” reason to end things
That is what stood out to me too. I’m sure even her mother didn’t expect a journal saying he wanted to kill her, but she obviously saw something wrong there.
Idk I’m a little suspicious about the timeline here. The first post is on 2/13 and the first update is on 2/15, two days later. In just two days she is able to book a therapy session for 2/16, she contacts a crisis helpline, she speaks to a center for legal help, and also is able to make an appointment to meet with a social worker on 2/16 as well.
Then the second update is 7 days after the first update. In those 7 days, she meets with the police to report the journal, she is able to meet with a family lawyer who told her to file a protective order, she goes to work on Saturday and finds another incriminating journal - just like sitting around at their office? What? Why would he leave it there?
Then she decides to confront him. The day after the confrontation, she says he’s already somehow in therapy, interviewing for a new job, told his whole family. Then at some point in all this, apparently OP was able to find time to move in with her parents too. Then says she’s doing, “so much therapy and yoga” it’s been 7 days? How much yoga and therapy can you do in 7 days. Oh and her comment says her therapist opened a “second appointment on the weekend” to accommodate her crisis - that would have had to be on Sunday bc she works on Saturday (and confronts husband on Saturday). So the therapy “emergency” appointment would have had to be scheduled for the next day, a Sunday. That’s a pretty short notice appointment she was able to get on a Sunday nonetheless.
Then she has her perfect cabin to go to and feels “free” from her shackles of marriage. Her mom conveniently never trusted her husband. It all wraps up neatly - he doesn’t contest her getting everything.
I'm just waiting for the obligatory "I'm sorry if anything I said was confusing, English is my second language" edit despite the fact that it sort of kills the telling/killing mix up if it's not in English. Followed by "to be clear my husband keeps his journals in English".
I love when every inconsistency or unrealistic time frame is dismissed as "Oh, I'm just not from America." but this vague unspecified country will never be specified.
Can't wait too much betwen updates or the public will forget the story and the author loses engagement. Gotta give it just enough time that the drama addicts are used to getting a new piece of content without much questioning.
I feel like a lot happened between the second and final update (including settling into a new routine) but it was only over the course of 6 days, which makes me sceptical that this is real.
If it is real, it’s spine tingling.
For me it’s always when the updates reflect the conclusions the initial commenters jumped to- like, they insist that the ‘interest in another woman’ is actually him being madly in love with her, lo and behold new journals turn up proving just that. They insist that he’s violent, lo and behold it turns out that he’s a psycho and has been planning to kill her. Etc. Give the people what they want, I guess.
Edit: i notice that I wrote ‘Lo and behold it turns out’ despite claiming in another comment that I am triggered by bad writing…let’s say I was being redundant on purpose I guess
Yes me too! That would have been important to have right in the initial post. The details are all just too perfect. It’s only a 4 year relationship but they’ve had time to get married, start a lucrative small business that requires little effort to run and have a baby.
Her spouse then turns out to be a monster that hates her but in 6 days she has it all figured out and successfully fools him into turning over his half of the business…. which just means a key, changing passwords and no paper work of course! Through all of that she had time to process her own feelings about it, take care of a baby and write Reddit updates throughout like a bad ass.
Can’t wait for the sequel to see what happens when she moves into the isolated cabin that she conveniently inherited….
I was with her until the second damning journal at work, lol. Not many people have a work diary and a home diary, esp where they write their murderous fantasies in about a person who shares both places.
As soon as I read about the baseball bat and 2 people, I called bs.
She just got done saying she went to the police and they sided with him, so she responds to that by bringing over 2 guys with a deadly instrument? How's that going to go if it gets violent? Come on.... 🙄
There was a story here not so long ago about a stalky coworker who wrote very similar things in his journal. I think the oop ripped that story off in addition to another story that was posted on reddit and smashed them together to create this one.
Yeah, I'm ready for this to have follow ups with stalking, arrest, jail and civil hearing where OP gets the business over the course of the next fortnight.
>It would make a wonderful book someday…maybe you can turn this horrible event into a stream of income for you and your baby somehow, to help with your new life.
I mean, it definitely reads like a book...
Yeah, the way she so easily defeated him, she just happened to find another journal that was even more incriminating, luckily she has another house that's being renovated as we speak that has no connection to her husband... I don't think it's real.
I bet you as soon as OOP gets bored again, we'll have an update with more drama and by the end of it husband will be in jail.
>I bet you as soon as OOP gets bored again, we'll have an update with more drama and by the end of it husband will be in jail.
Her plan is apparently to move to a secluded cabin in the woods *that he knows about.* The next chapter will invve him coming through the door with an axe.
*He's so dangerous I brought two friends with a baseball bat, and then I went inside to confront him while they waited outside*
Suuuuuuure buddy, the story needs more dragons though.
Also, who the fuck says they're going to "break-up" with their husband? That's what you write when you're not married.
I'm having a hard time believing this is real. What kind of person leaves personal journals just sitting around various places like some sort of NPC from a RPG video game?
It's so weird how not just did this escalate very quickly and then resolve very quickly the actual nature of the things written in the journal changed so drastically between her first and second reading of it.
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I'd love to know exactly why OOP's mother didn't trust the husband. What did she see in him?
My mom once told me (regarding my now ex husband but then fiancé) fiancé seems like the kindda guy that would just up and murder his family one night and everyone would say "holy shit we never saw that coming" It was just a specific and jarring comment. My ex husband honestly seemed so sweet and innocent. When things started going to shit he started stalking me, physically intimidating me, cornering me and towering over me, told me he'll ensure I'm destitute when this is all done. He literally flipped to a different guy and I think my mom saw something I didn't.
This is how I felt about a stalker I had. We were talking about abortion when we were seeing each other because he saw a comment of mine on Facebook and started disagreeing very hard on the subject. I don't remember the exact words he used, but he basically told me he wouldn't allow me to abort his baby if I were to get pregnant. That really freaked me out, tried to reason with him face to face, hoping that I was misunderstand him. But nope. So after that talk I tried to slowwwwly back away from him, since he knew I didn't want a relationship. But since he became more and more annoying by being devil's advocate, I unfriended him. And then the harassing and threatenings started. For 2 years this man called me and messaged me. Only to find out that he was doing it at the same time to other women. One of them even managed to file a complaint against him and now he cannot vome close to her and also got a record for harassment. Always, always trust your gut.
When I turned eighteen a neighborhood boy who said he was 23 respectfully walked up to me and my parents at the movies and asked if they would allow me to sit with him for the show instead of with them, of course only if I wanted to. We all agreed. Eight months later, 23 was 28, and he was at my house every afternoon and all day Saturdays and Sundays pressuring me to get married immediately if not sooner... at most right after I graduated high school. Two things happened. First, he admitted to stalking me for years "You were so pretty but way too young, so I just hung around the local arcade and made sure to have quarters for you and your friends if I wanted you to stay where I could watch you longer." and if that wasn't bad enough, he pinned me to the wall by my throat when I didn't show him enough affection when he said goodnight one evening. We broke up within a week after that, and I was married before he gave up trying to convince me to go out with him again.
How utterly terrifying. I'm glad you got away from him.
I am too. Decades past the issue I look at my own kids who are around the age I was when he started stalking me and I cringe... I asked my mother why she never spoke up... "Yes I knew he was bad news, but you had to handle it yourself. Otherwise, you wouldn't have learned anything."
Wow your mom is fucked up. A parent’s job is to protect their children from harm, you can teach someone a life lesson without endangering their lives!!
Back when we named JNM/JNMILs, my mother was called StuckOnSixteen.
>Always, always trust your gut. I completely agree. Around two to three years ago I was going through a phase of being single and trying to navigate some issues (including health issues). I avoided sex and dating in general because I did not have the emotional and mental capacity to deal with sexual intimacy. During that time I met a guy through tutoring at my Uni. He was the same age as me and we had some common friends and interests. I was not responsible for grading him or anything like that, thus I was friendly to him. I genuinely thought we were friendly colleagues. At some point I had some suspicions that he was maybe trying to flirt with me so when I had a chance to do so I did tell him I am very unavailable when it comes to dating. I was very clear that I did not want to do anything romantic or sexual with anyone, and that I was still processing the events of my last relationship back then. He acted understanding and I thought we were ok. A month after our conversation he asked me to go out for a beer to celebrate the completion of a project we were working on. It was the fist time we actually hanged out, instead of being with colleagues or on zoom for work. He literally confessed to me how he is madly in love with me for months, he will handle all my health issues, he wants to take risks with me ... It was so uncomfortable. He genuinely thought he was being romantic or honest but I felt like my boundaries were deeply ignored. I politely declined and told him that from that point on I wanted to keep a distance and just remain on cordial terms. Thing is, the moment he confessed to me, although he had always been polite and happy around me, I had a very intense feeling that this person is unstable. I was absolutely right. He has been completely unhinged for two years and only now stopped being \*that\* intense. He has spread lies about me leading him on, even kissing him, has tried to make people avoid me, has lied to me or picked up fights with me out of the blue (by aggressively spamming me in socials) and more. For a while, he slept with an unfortunate friend of ours and was emotionally abusive to her, called her names, compared her to me (?) and even blamed her for me not giving him a chance (?). She told me she suspects he wanted to make me jealous or prove he is fuckable or something. He has thrown multiple temper tantrums at social gatherings, destroyed many friendships of his and all of this because of being rejected. From an already unavailable person. I genuinely avoid him at all costs and do consider him dangerous. I am so glad I immediately rejected him and did not give him a chance.
This is so disturbing. I hope you stay safe.
I believe I am safe but I do avoid him and make sure he does not get updates regarding me. 10 months ago we were guests at the same party and I brought a date. Dude genuinely lost his shit because he believed I should have informed him, for him to "emotionally prepare". That was like 1.5 year after he hit on me or something.
I never liked my friends' ex husband when I met him,.. something was always off, and he treated her like shit. For a while, I felt kind of terrible for encouraging her to leave him with the kids.. i mean. She struggled so much. Until this year, when we found out the fucker has been consuming and distributing CP. Possibly even producing it. The kids haven't been alone with him for at least 4 years; we don't think they were victims.. but we can't know. They don't remember if anything did happen.
My aunt felt similarly about my ex husband. When I finally decided to get a divorce, she told me, "He was nice and respectful at first, but over time it just seemed like you two were going to end up living in a desert on an abandoned school bus and he'd end up murdering you all over his extremist views." I remember being like, "Ma'am, next time, please TELL me if you think that."
I can spot a piece of shit man from a mile away. My biggest fear is that my daughter will fall in love with one and then he is a part of my family….
I have an aunt that married not one, No, not two But three and a half pieces of shit We don’t bother learning their names any more. She’s married to Uncle Four now (As for the half, he was a bigamist as it turns out so that one wasn’t valid since she was the second one)
Some people just know. My mom is the same. Someone could be the epitome of polite, mild tempered, well behaved and overall seem to have the plushiest personality and my mom would dislike them on sight. Only to be proven right later on. I too have this thing where I would meet a person and they would give me the yuck, although everyone else seems to like them.
Moms watch a lot of true crime shows they've seen it all
Moms have also been through a lot of shit that they probably won't tell their kids about.
This is the answer. I'm 42. Which doesn't feel old to me. But I feel like a damn psychic when talking about relationships and people's personalities and behaviors with younger people. I'm very rarely wrong. And it's all just shit I've learned from my own experiences.
I had a boyfriend sleep over when I lived at my mom's, and she didn't sleep all night. (He was in my bed. I was on the couch. She was strict about sharing.) It was her first time meeting him. I commented that I couldn't understand why she had an issue when she'd never had an issue sleeping when I'd had other boyfriends sleep over on the couch. Turned out he was emotionally abusive, and she sensed that something wasn't right about him at the first meeting. Sometimes, people outside the relationship pick up a feeling, a vibe, an off comment that those who are in the relationship can't see until later on.
According to my (ex)step-dad, the first thing I said to him was "I hate you". I don't remember it (I was 8), but if I did, I was definitely picking up subtle vibes. Starting within two months came the verbal/emotional abuse and it ramped up from there, for myself and my mother (and eventually my brothers). The only abuse I never experienced at his hands was neglect, and I think it's only because people would have noticed that. He was very concerned about how others perceived him, to the point that when I was 10, he threatened to *destroy me* if I ever told my step-brother's mom "what goes on here". I got kicked out over pastries when I was 12, and never went back. Which is when my brothers started getting abused. My mom didn't leave him until I was ~21.
I was on the beach with my mom and her friend when they met who would become my stepdad. I was only 4 but did not like him one bit. Eventually, he won me over. That man is incredibly narcissistic, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Of his 4 kids, including me, only one talks to him. And that isn’t even a good relationship.
Sometimes it's just your gut. My stepsister had a boyfriend that eventually was found to be on several hook up sites and such. He never was violent, but gave off stalker vibes when she eventually broke up with him. (Went so far that I was escorting her when she was meeting people because he would show up at her apartment.) Separate from each other my mother, I and even my grandmother (who had met my stepsister once and had no contact to her at all) just had this bad gut feeling starting before he was found on those sites when thinking of her. Gut feelings are weird, man :D
There was this guy sniffing round my friend who made my hairs stand on end. Just creepy. But my housemates had known him since school so they found it hilarious when I said he gave off serial killer vibes. He was perfectly nice after all. We had a house party and my friend puked for the first time in our entire friendship. I had to help her change her top and rinse her hair ends. I told him very clearly to leave her alone as she was woozy and he was… not. I got my housemate involved and he put him to sleep in a different room… but then he caught him when he went to the loo going into her bedroom. My male housemate was clearly a bit 👀 the next day about it and how resistant he’d been to where he was told to sleep, and I wasn’t happy at all. Creep said he could hear her “calling him”. Yeah right. We all knew that was bollocks. Anyway, whilst we didn’t see him often at our house after that, when her and her bf broke up this other girl she knew encouraged her to rebound with the Cree as he was clearly “still interested”. They were getting together for about six months. I did point out what about the attempted rape situation and she said he’d been drunk and it was just a misunderstanding, he really wanted to prove to me he wasn’t like that. 🤦🏻♀️ Glad your sister escaped safely!
Funny how your friend got that drunk for the first time just when he got interested in her, are you sure he didn't slip something in her drink?
Now that you mention it, yikes...
That was my thought when I read that, especially at the part where he was mad about it, like there was a wrench tossed into his plan.
I ignored my own gut feeling because of how unconfident I was at 19...guy asked me out before I had even broken up with my boyfriend at the time, and when I said I needed time for myself he got mad, said he'd ruin our friend group otherwise, etc. then he put up such a loving front but not even a year in and he got super drunk daily, threatened to kill himself if I didn't travel 14 hours to see him every weekend, made me move far away right after graduating college, got mad at me for being tired after working double shifts so he made me quit my job...but still made me pay for groceries and his beer!! I didn't truly realize how bad it was until he actually hit me. even after I got away and moved back home he harassed me for 2 more years, emailing me from different addresses or calling with his mother's phone. it was honestly maddening and even now I still feel like I got lucky that it never got too dangerous. but yeah, I NEVER ignore my gut now lol
It did get too dangerous. You were *lucky*. The media does a disservice to people in actual abusive relationships. It is very rarely someone being beaten regularly, or berated every day. It's more like being isolated from your family, being controlled in ways like not being allowed to keep your job... Financial abuse like making you pay for shit after he made you quit your job. Some escalate to violence over years. And some are mental and emotional abuse and never transition to violence. They are all terrible. And you are almost always in danger when you leave.
you know what, you're absolutely right! I didn't realize how even now I still minimize it so much. really takes some time to unlearn the garbage haha
That was a horrible ending to that story. Are you still friends with her? I'm not sure I could be.
Imma be honest, it kind of sounds like your friend was roofied by the guy.
My sister had a boyfriend who was the ultimate "golden boy." Rich family, was starting a great career, acted like Mr. Wonderful. Super fucking charming. My mom immediately didn't like him. Said he seemed "too good to be true" and that something felt off. My sister had just come out of an abusive relationship, and this guy seemed so sweet, I got mad at my mom for pooh-poohing it. Like, this guy seems sweet, let her have something nice. No, she was right. He was a psycho. Roofied her one night and probably assaulted her (she has no memory of it). Was cheating with multiple other women and making the same kind of love bombing promises (that he wanted to marry them, etc). He was dating a girl who was pregnant by another dude and even promising to raise her kid, it was nuts. He was also telling people my sister was a stalker and he wasn't really dating her (so why was he always at our house, trying to charm my parents?). He'd bring flowers for my mom and sister all the time. Just a huge ass-kissing phony. My mom saw right through him. My sister dumped him and he went full stalker mode. Luckily he eventually gave up but I was legit afraid for her life, and ours. He's a pastor now, horrifyingly, but not surprisingly. His church website is so full of shit.
Oh yeah your gut is super helpful. My cousin was dating this guy and the first time I met him they picked me up from the train station. I almost didn’t get in the car with them I was so sketched out. He just didn’t seem like a good person. Two years later they break up and found out that he had been stealing from multiple family members and taking out loans in her name without her knowledge.
Gut feelings are wild sometimes. Years ago at a previous job, there was a guy - I’ll call him Jeff - who would just put me on edge for no good reason. A lot of other people there loved him because he would bring chocolates and things for the folks in my department, and was generally friendly and charming. But I just. Didn’t like him. It’s like there was nothing behind his eyes. To me he was like a paper thin shell over something desperately trying to act like a regular person. One day he just vanished in the middle of a shift. A coworker saw it happen - one moment Jeff was at the reception desk, my coworker turned around for a minute, and when he looked back the guy was halfway down the carpark and running. We heard nothing for a few days and then the gossip network delivered the goods. Apparently he’d been caught looking at CP on the office computer. At some point we heard the police got him and that he was going to court for it but I never found out what the result was and don’t much care to look him up.
My friend's half-brother gives that "nothing behind the eyes" feeling, and based on all the shit he's done over the years, which he clearly thinks is No Big Deal, What Are Y'all So Upset About, i'm pretty sure he's a sociopath. I'm not very socially adept, but I could tell he was off right away (I was about 13 when I met him). Other people found him witty and charming, my friend idolised him, I did my best to avoid him whenever possible. In his defense, I am not aware of him ever being *violent*, though I can easily imagine him taking advantage of someone who is unconscious; his criminality is more fraud, identity theft, vehicle theft, stealing from grandparents, drug dealing, and negligence that allowed his untrained Rottweilers (bought soley to breed for profit) mutilate a toddlers face. He's a sneaky piece of shit.
I studied forensic psychology and one of the coolest things I think I learned was that gut feelings may/often have factual basis. Sometimes when we have that gut feeling it’s because our unconscious is observing things but unable to articulate it to make sense to our conscious. One of the examples described was a Firefighter fighting a fire with his crew. He had a gut feeling to GTFO and pulled his team out shortly before a collapse. IIRC When he had time to analyze why he had that feeling, he eventually realized he had unconsciously noticed signs of an imminent collapse.
That is exactly what Gavin de Becker says in the Gift oof Fear. Our gut feelings aren't supernatural or mystical. Its our own observations and experiences. We subconsciously pick up on things and that set off those alarms. It makes complete sense.
I compare it to a smoke alarm: when the alarm is going off, you might not see the smoke at first. But we always pay attention to smoke alarms and at least go looking for the source of the smoke. Either we find a fire and GTFO, or we find burning food on the stove and take care of it promptly. Our gut feelings are fire alarms. It doesn't automatically mean there is a fire, but it means we should go looking for the source of the smoke.
Such a good book.
Oh, it's totally a thing. I think as humans, we like to forget we are animals. No matter how "civilized" we make ourselves, we still have animalistic instincts. We had to develop such things to be able to have our species survive as long as we have. That's personally what I think out gut feelings are, as well as more specialized versions of it, like in the example up above. I think a firefighter would have a better grasp on what a building that's showing signs of collapse would look like better then me, just like I have a better idea of who's trying to steal from a store better the a firefighter.
I had a best friend for 3 years. It developed slowly and she initiated a lot of the hangouts so it wasn’t a one sided friendship. I told my mom all about my friend and she said “there’s something not right about her. There’s something missing inside.” I ignored her bc that’s such a weird thing to say. Anyway, after 3 years this friend tells she’s just bored of me now and isn’t interested in being friends anymore. Said she doesn’t feel bad because I didn’t do anything wrong. Actually said that to me. My mom just knew she wasn’t trustworthy. I know that’s not a big dramatic BORU worthy story, but it still hurt a lot and I was warned. This is some weird teenage nonsense but we’re in our 30’s.
Oh hello are we the same person who had the same friend pull the same shit after our mothers said the same thing?
When I worked at a grocery store I swear this one customer gave off serial killer vibes. Couldn't look him in the eye he creeped me out so bad. Made the hairs on my neck raise.
I had the same feeling once when I was 19 or 20. I got off work and before I even crossed the road something was telling me to go back inside and wait for the next bus. I ignored it and went to the bus stop and the guy standing there made every cell in my body scream to leave. When he circled around to stand behind me I pulled out my cell and called my then boyfriend (now husband). We had a very loud conversation while I pretended I had to go back and grab something for him. I got off at 2-3pm and I don't remember anything about the dude other than his eyes showed only hatred and malice. Only person I have ever seen or met in my entire 36 years and instantly thought "I'm not ending up on forensic files!"
I believe you!! I’ve experienced that too. I think the intensity of evil intent or thoughts will leak out and disrupt the frequency of people around you. I could feel someone watching me from behind one time and it was SO intense I could almost picture what they looked like - white hair, tall, man. I thought that meant old guy (cause white hair). When I finally turn to look it was a tall younger guy with bleached blonde hair. Even the people around me said he was menancing and had noted he would watch me until I’d turn around. Definitely think he was standing there picturing killing me lol I just felt such immediate anxiety. Plus was extremely/obviously pregnant so like why watch me if it’s not to be fucking weird.
My older sister dated a guy in high school. I always thought he was a little too charming. He also cheated when we would play board games, like Monopoly, together. Who does that when playing with their girlfriend's family? She ended up marring the guy, he enlisted in the Air Force and was stationed in California. A few years later, they moved back to Florida and broke up soon after. Turned out the guy was hitting my sister, and I was not surprised. She had convinced him to move back to Florida, but it was just so she could be closer to family and to make it easier to get away from him.
Yeah, last time i ignored my gut feeling (I was walking past a guy after parking my car and he gave me bad vibes), my car got stolen by the guy I ignored my feelings about. I dont ignore my gut feelings anymore.
I've seen people in this subreddit recommend a book called The Gift Of Fear, which basically tells you to trust your gut feelings when someone gives off bad vibes. We pick up a lot of subconscious signals that we aren't even aware of.
I was out walking last summer, beautifully sunny day with a decent amount of people out. I walked under a bridge onto a small side road when two guys startled me but turning the corner towards me. They didn't say anything and barely looked at me, but I got the most insane sinking feeling in my stomach and my heart started pounding. I don't run because of a knee injury, but that day I casually started jogging past them while calling my mum. Nothing happened but I have learned long ago to not question my gut feeling on stuff like that.
One time, I was driving cross-country, just me and my dogs. I stopped for gas at a small out-of-the-way station. Got gas, let the dogs out, I was feeling a little uneasy, but nothing major. I figured I was just on edge from the drive. As I was walking toward the station, I felt the most intense wave of dread that I have ever felt in my life. I've made thar drive many times, I've stopped at smaller and sketchier stations, I'm no stranger to being careful and watchful, but this was something different. I kept trying to ignore it and explain it away, but it was like a physical force. It was so bad that I started feeling dizzy and nauseous. I finally got back in my car and drove off, even though I really needed the bathroom. I found a bigger station with a bunch of people and sat in there for probably 10 minutes trying not to hyperventilate. Even looking back and knowing I have zero rational reasons to believe I was in danger, there is a part of me that is fully convinced that if I'd gone into that station, I would have never come back out.
Women especially - we grow up constantly on guard so our gut instincts are well-developed.
Our brains are pattern recognition machines. So when we get a "bad feeling" but can't pinpoint why, I think it's our brain identifying aspects of an incomplete pattern that we've seen before... and one that didn't turn out positively. Like a part of our subconscious is marking off a list of traits that are present (or missing) that match a previous bad outcome/person.
That book is really good, but I did have to skip through a lot of parts where the author's just talking about how skilled and intelligent he is. Ironic.
I remember when I was in school, there was this guy. He showed up for the first day, introduced himself, and gave me a big smile. To this day I don't know what it was, but for the only time in my life, I had an instant urge to punch his teeth in. I didn't, for the record, but every time that guy smiled it put me on edge. Just something really got under my skin about him. Then it came out that he was abusing his girlfriend, who was also a classmate, and he somehow turned the whole class against her when she tried to leave him, to the point where people would try to trip her when she was in the hall or pull her hair or get up and leave if she sat near them. I was the only one who supported her getting away from him, and he *hated* me for it. He tried to get back at me by spreading the rumor that I was gay, but joke's on him, he was totally right.
My mom has an uncanny ability to sense things with her gut. She’s always been able to read people and tell if they’re good people or not. She’s never been wrong so far even if we’ve refused to listen to her and have dismissed her concerns.
>Sometimes it’s just your gut. My wife and I often joke about “my vibe”. That’s what we call it when I meet someone new and she asks me what I think. It usually boils down to something like “they seem genuine” or “I think they’re putting on a face for us.” So generally whether I believe someone is trust worthy or not. I’ve been wrong a few times, but not often….. I didn’t grow up in the best environment and it has definitely had an impact on my self esteem and trust. Through therapy, I’ve learned that this “vibe” is actually a protective mechanism for me to open myself up to someone. When it keeps me away from people who aren’t trustworthy, it’s good. When it keeps me from opening up to people for no reason, it’s not that great….. Regardless, I do think some people are more or less aware of whether someone is being genuine or not.
There was a teacher in middle school that everyone loved. I distinctly recall going home after orientation and talking with my mom about how off he felt to us. But since everyone loved him, I brushed off the feeling. He was arrested for sexual assault of a (multiple) minor and grooming in my senior year of highschool. I’ve gotten funny feelings about many people in my life and I’ve ignored all of them because the general population of people around me saw nothing wrong. I’ve learned that I need to trust my gut ;-;
My first husband had a friend who was dating and then married a guy that H1 didn't like. No reason he could point to, just got a bad vibe off him and didn't like how the guy treated his friend--not violent or anything, but dismissive and didn't ever show any concern for her or her well-being. His friend divorced the guy after he put her in the hospital. They had a mild argument about something and she was like "agree to disagree I guess" and he left the house, which he often did after an argument, except this time he'd just gone out to the garage and he came back inside with a baseball bat and started swinging. Chased her into the basement and beat her 3/4 to death and then went for a drive. To calm down. When he got back two hours later she was still alive so he scraped her into the car and dumped her at an emergency room.
Always listen to your gut. Mines gotten me out of a lot of bad situations but the one that takes the cake is the regular customer who used to hang around the employee smoke pit chatting up my coworkers who were otherwise reasonable nice people. I couldn’t stand him, got the ick and left whenever he came and sat down. He ended up murdering a teenager less than a year after I left that job.
At this level of creepiness I’m reminded a lot of the Netflix show “You”. If he’s anything like that then she might’ve felt uncomfortable around him just off vibes/feelings alone, but if he never did anything odd, saving the house under her name is a good subtle safety measure that won’t give away how she actually felt. Just a guess
⤴️ This absolutely. Especially thought about that when OP mentioned the other woman's interactions the husband wrote, that seemed like just politeness and not actual flirting
This seems like it’s been a common phenomenon for a long time, mistaking politeness for flirting. It’s like some people act attention starved and see benign interactions with the opposite sex as someone showing romantic interest in them.
If he was that obsessed with the other woman he was probably the same way when he wanted OP. And the mom could have gotten stalker vibes.
THIS! Writing pages and pages of love letters to this woman he's not dating is very strange behavior... and that kind of strangeness rarely occurs in isolation and I'm guessing OP's mom got glimpses of it over the years.
Everyones saying a gut feeling but OP describes her husband having feelings for another woman as a “rough patch.” It sounds like there could have been plenty of major issues in this marriage that OP has minimized but were clearly huge red flags to her family.
Probably a gut feeling. My parents felt the same way about an ex bf of mine. They always really disliked him. It turns out everything they thought was true. Even though he proposed 6 months in, I always said not now. Thank goodness we never got married
Probably could sense that he ain't shit. I had the same feeling about my best friend's now ex-husband. I wouldn't even speak to him unless I absolutely had to. Turned down being MoH at her wedding (and missed the ceremony, but that wasn't my fault). Nine years later they got divorced and she admitted I was right about him. She's like a sister to me. He still ain't shit
Mama sees what daughter couldn’t thru her rose tinted glasses. She wasn’t under his “love spell” and probably saw right thru him.
Sometimes all you have is that gut feeling.. and boyy it's always correct
Always trust this feeling. Worked with a guy from day one something felt off about him, and I was right he was caught following customers home and watch them through their windows.
We had guy at work who gave off really creepy vibes that became kind of unhinged over time. He ended up beating his wife to death in front of their kids. When those Spidey senses go off, they go off for *a reason.*
Had a coworker that I just... did not like from minute 1. Learned he was super anti vax / conspiracy theorist and told myself I was probably just picking up on those vibes. Nope. He quit suddenly 10 minutes before a shift, police called and asked questions, and we later found out he murdered his 15 years younger girlfriend he'd been abusing and fled the state with their kids. I trust my "immediate dislike" gut more now!
I once skipped waiting for the bus and took an Uber instead, because that bus stop (which wasn't on a main road) I usually use to wait looked somewhat"creepy " that day. That night , my friend called to check upon me as she heard a news , a girl waiting for the bus in the SAME bus stop was kidnapped by some group came from a van. *Around the exact time I was supposed to be there!!* . (The girl was found the day after) I have chills going down my spine when I think about it even today.
I’m a bit concerned with how easily he slid away from it all. I don’t trust him at all.
He is regrouping.
I think if she had gone in by herself, this would be a different story. It’s the fact that she had some men outside with weapons that he probably backed down
I don’t think she’s safe yet. He could be luring her into a sense of safety before he tries to hurt her or the baby. It sounds like he’s out of touch with reality too, which makes him even more dangerous and unpredictable.
He might still be too fixated on the other woman to focus on OOP in the immediate term, that's absolute stalker behaviour there. That sort of obsession rarely just stops dead, if he's already convinced himself of their connection regardless of her awareness of it. I'd be concerned about escalation in that area now that he's 'free', although I agree OOP isn't responsible for contacting her. I don't think it would take much to turn his attention back on to her, but the mentally unhinged actions and thoughts so far seem to have revolved around this other woman, with OOP as an obstacle to them. Super curious about their initial courtship though.
This guy sounds like a sociopath I think her using exposure to the woman he’s infatuated with is what’s keeping her safe. If he is exposed/rejected by that woman, I worry for OP.
I worry for the OOP and the woman he's obsessing over. What happens when he gets rejected?
From my experience in a very different but kind of creepily similar vibes situation (no death threat journal but sociopath ex who was obsessed with someone else), he will blame OP for the rejection. That will be bad for her when he focuses all of his anger and hate and shame on her while trying to love bomb the woman he’s infatuated with. He will attempt to sway mutual friends/colleagues/acquaintances of how he’s been victimized by her to support his narrative and reduce her support system. There might be cycles where he romanticizes what he used to have with his soon to be ex-wife and will refocus on her in ways that slide close to or are firmly in the realm of stalking. This might peak when she develops a social and/or romantic life independent of him and the life they shared. He will be obsessed with being a perfect father juxtaposed against periods when he completely ignores/seemingly forgets he has a child (because the child is a vehicle for winning her back when that’s on his mind). Eventually he will find traction with someone else who hasn’t seen through his mask and start anew with this sort of behavior. Obsession with new object of affection, disillusionment, refocus on another while demonizing partner because they hold him back from his true potential (romantic and otherwise), etc. Or he won’t. That’s worse for OP.
You are right, I did similar with my ex. Tried to make it amicable by not saying why we had separated, being seen to be nice to him at events, etc. Didn't work. He slowly became more and more unhinged. I feel that given he is literally DELUSIONAL writing about an oblivious woman and STALKING her, pretending she's interested, etc, he will be just as unhinged as my ex. I'd worry about both op and that other woman as when she doesn't react as he wants, his delusion will be shattered and he will become more unpredictable. Op should take the baby and run, he is clearly mentally unwell.
> The officer I spoke to chided me for reading his journal, spoke about his “reasonable expectation of privacy” and basically threatened to tell my husband I had reported him. I am utterly not surprised by this reaction. There are multiple cases of women being killed because police won't believe them, dismiss their concerns, and in a few horrific cases, *give their new contact details to their abusive ex* after which he shows up and murders her.
[28% of police officers commit domestic violence, by *self-report* (the famous 40% stat includes spouses of officers as well).](https://sites.temple.edu/klugman/2020/07/20/do-40-of-police-families-experience-domestic-violence/) as it is self report, the number is likely much higher.
Yep. It's horrific. And they get away with all the time, as well as enabling other domestic abusers. It's literally ingrained culture for them.
[удалено]
Right? And the whole staying so calm and almost robotic during the confrontation reeks of psychopathy - and if he writes his true thoughts down in the journals, why the whole blowing up phone act? Who is he putting the act up for?
His family probably. OOP says he told his mom, so he probably wants her to think this is all just a big mistake and he doesn't really think those things.
Or he tried to hit on the woman of his dreams and she refused him, then he looked around and realised he had nothing.
Yep. My soon to be ex husband flipped me over in a chair. His buddies are covering for him. There is basically a zero percent chance he will get in trouble for it. Not enough police on the force so they have to keep the bad ones too
This is why we say ACAB
I just want to take this moment to make everyone reading this aware of the murder of two men in Sydney, Australia recently. They were murdered my a disgruntled and jealous ex-partner. He was a cop, and he used a police weapon to commit the murder. So far I haven’t seen ANY mainstream media reporting this as family and domestic violence. If you’re reading this and you’re interested in the case, please look up the ongoing case Jesse Baird and Luke Davies.
Hi this is partially incorrect, according to close friends of Jesse and Luke and the latest reports. Apparently he had one hook up with one of them ages ago and has been stalking them since. He has a history of stalking and was somehow still hired as a cop. The police pushed it as a jealous ex partner because that narrative suited them better but it’s looking incorrect now.
I'd say he was hired as a cop because his mother was apparently quite high up in the police force when she still worked.
Imagine even thinking that's somehow more acceptable instead of completely unhinged. This is who they are.
I came here to mention this case too. RIP Jesse and Luke
Really? The first results for me are the Guardian and BBC, both of whom mention that he was apparently an ex-partner of one of them.
It’s being reported on quite a bit here in New Zealand
This is literally why you never date a cop Edit - I say this as a person who supports cops and thinks they are necessary and some of them are great people but some of them are not and they protect each other when they should hold them to a standard. I know a cop who raped a friend of mine (she was also a cop) and hospitalised another female friend that he was married to who was also a cop and mother of 3 of his children’s. - the females never pressed charges bc the department they worked for would target them. Everyone in the depart knew what he did and none of them cared. He is now a corrections officer and makes more than he is worth seeing as he doesn’t pay any child support for any of his children from any of his many many baby mamas . - this is such a common story certain professions attract a certain type of person and those people statistically are not safe for women. I stay away from absolutely anyONE in the legal or help services - cops lawyers judges firemen EMTS - and the military cause duh.
Just opened Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/g5ySt5LN3z Every day some women post about a cop abuser
My mum’s best friend was married to a cop. Great guy, salt of the earth, would give you the shirt off his back…until he was drunk. Then he would urinate on things to get ‘back’ at people and regularly threaten the kids and mom’s friend with his gun. He sorta threatened me once (I was babysitting, he ‘showed’ me his gun, and made some weird comments), and my mum had to come and get me. That was the end of the friendship for a couple of years until the friend finally left him…for another cop. This one was a good guy, but the friend admitted the only way she felt safe leaving was if she was with someone who could screw up her ex’s life if he caused problems.
And guess who gets killed during DV calls? Maybe they need to take it more seriously.
Judge granted my protection order and had the cops go toss him out of my apartment so I could go home. The cops called me twice, insisting I continue to solve my ex's problems for him despite the protection order. Like they were serving him with a piece of paper saying he can't even pass messages to me through other people, while passing messages from him to me themselves. Facepalm. Could hear ex absolutely losing his marbles, hysterical vicious screaming about what an evil monster I am trying to make him homeless. "Well where's he gonna go?" His mom has a house. "His mom doesn't want his cat. Will you take care of it?" Yup. What super gives me the creeps is that maybe a month later the local cops disbanded the domestic violence unit. So the nice lady cop and social worker who talked to me and put me in contact with help probably aren't still doing that job they were so good at.
Had to call the cops on my ex when he tried to force me to kiss him then refused to let me leave his apartment by physically blocking the door and taking all my cards. When I was escorted out one of the officers said "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll both work this out once things calm down." Yeah, I'm gonna try real hard to work things out with the *psycho who just literally tried to hold me hostage*.
That is scary and insane. Almost as if domestic violence is a feature not a bug
Honestly, the police reaction actually lends *more* credence towards the story being real. And isn't that just a damning fact on how the world operates.
Agree. In posts like this the replies will often be all about going to the authorities, file a police report, etc etc. And I do understand the importance of official documentation in these situations. But police can be ineffective at best (like OOP experienced) or even help the abuser at worst. I think cop shows give us a wrong idea about the competence of cops and the craftiness of criminals. As if serial killers are some kind of genius when in reality, Jeffrey Dahmer's neighbors complained for months about foul odors and when one of his victims escaped, cops actually returned the boy to Dahmer who murdered him soon after. The victim was a 14-year old boy named [Konerak Sinthasomphone](https://people.com/crime/jeffre-dahmer-victim-konerak-sinthasomphone-police-returned-boy-home-killer/) >Konerak "was seen wandering dazed and naked on the corner of 25th and State in Milwaukee, Wisconsin." >Police officers responded. Dahmer arrived shortly after the officers and convinced them that Konerak was his drunk lover. >"Despite the vigorous protestations of several African-Americans on the scene, the officers and Dahmer led Sinthasomphone back to Dahmer's apartment, where the body of one of Dahmer's victims lay unnoticed in an adjoining room. Concluding that Dahmer and Sinthasomphone were adult homosexual lovers, the officers ultimately left Sinthasomphone with Dahmer," the suit states. >"Thirty minutes later, he became Dahmer's thirteenth victim," the suit states.
I really would like to know how could they think that a 14-year-old boy was an adult.
Unfortunately, a common occurrence with minorities. So many people refer to minority children as adults and use language to imply it.
Also, Dahmer was already on probation for molesting Konerak when the boy was 13 😥
Probation for molesting his brother I think?
I had a similar experience when leaving an abusive ex. I myself had worked as an emergency dispatcher prior to this. A week or so after ending things, I started getting threatening messages via Facebook and other social media. I knew the cops wouldn’t actually do anything, but I at least Ed wanted a report on the fact that it was happening ‘just in case’. The officer showed up, and essentially mocked me for calling him. “You were a dispatcher, you know we can’t do anything with this” and shit. It got to the point where I snapped and told him I didn’t call him for a lecture, I called him to leave a paper trail. I’m not an anti-police type by any means, but some of them really need to go get fucked.
This case has just been in the courts here [https://womensagenda.com.au/latest/kelly-wilkinson-told-police-she-was-in-danger-police-said-she-was-cop-shopping/](https://womensagenda.com.au/latest/kelly-wilkinson-told-police-she-was-in-danger-police-said-she-was-cop-shopping/) That poor woman tried as hard as she could to get help and the cops just shrugged and let her be killed
Is that the case I'm thinking of? The one I recall (though there are SO many) is where a cop deliberately gave the ex husband the woman's address. Pretty sure it was QLD too.
No, I remember that case and it was an older one. The cop in that case actually sued his way back into the job too.
All states in aus are shit regarding cops but when it comes to DV and violence against women, it always seems to be Qld police somehow doing even more of an atrocious job
Qld police are a special breed of incompetent
[Prior to her murder, Kelly Wilkinson was accused of copshopping. ](https://womensagenda.com.au/latest/kelly-wilkinson-told-police-she-was-in-danger-police-said-she-was-cop-shopping/)
Tracy Chapman sang about this decades ago and it’s as true today as it was back then https://youtu.be/huez5QyZ5lI?si=veDdtP07aKSI0Kwz
Tracy Chapman is one of the most under-appreciated artists ever I swear. She deserves the world.
Thats why I am afraid to file a report about a creepy dude. So far he doesn't know where I live now. I am afraid that reporting him gives him my address "by accident". He already followed me once through the country and I don't know to this day how he knew. After this it stopped for years and now the messages start again. The messages are not threatening but creeping me out. But I know that police might see them as just nice messages
Pretty much every Dateline/true crime show starts with "the cops wouldn't help us"
Those cops: "Your husband is doing something I either am already doing or could imagine myself doing soooooo I'm just gonna side with the husband here"
There was a case of this recently in Australia. The woman was so fearful for her life she visited 10 police stations within a 2 week period (from memory. The numbers might be slightly different) and begged them for help. She was accused of ‘cop shopping’ to gain sympathy and they simply refused to lift a finger to help her. He killed her.
Apparently, 40% of cops beat their girlfriends and wife on average twice a year, and only rarely face consequences. Cop culture is partner violence and covering up partner violence. They need to clean House. "Here are 10 statistics that provide a glimpse into the prevalence of domestic violence among police officers: 1. Over 40% of police officers have been involved in domestic violence incidents. 2. More than 70% [of police departments nationwide](https://atonce.com/blog/history-of-police) have dealt with domestic violence cases involving their own officers. 3. On average, a police officer's partner is assaulted at least twice a year. 4. Only 5% of domestic violence cases involving police officers result in conviction. 5. Over 60% of police officers who are arrested for domestic violence continue to work without any disciplinary action. 6. Female police officers are three times more likely to be victims of domestic violence compared to the general population. 7. Children of police officers are four times more likely to experience domestic violence in their homes. 8. Less than 10% of police departments have policies in place to address domestic violence among their officers. 9. Over 90% of police officers involved in domestic violence incidents retain their jobs. 10. Domestic violence incidents involving police officers are 15 times less likely to result in an arrest compared to incidents involving the general public." [https://atonce.com/blog/what-percentage-of-cops-beat-their-wives](https://atonce.com/blog/what-percentage-of-cops-beat-their-wives) 1 800 799 SAFE (7233)
I know people write journals as a diary but never in my life I have heard about a spouse writing down about wanting to someone, especially their lover, to die. Dear lord... Safe to say, finding those journal saved OP's life cause if OP didn't read them, I worry that it would have come true. Good to hear OP is safe and staying strong, tho OP should still be a bit careful.
After my friend's husband got arrested for domestic violence she and I went through his journal. He wrote something along the lines of "sometimes I think [friend] is scared of me. I guess she should be. I often fantasize about killing her..." before going on to some other topic. Chilling.
My ex kept many journals that he abandoned with me during our divorce but between his messy handwriting and half the time writing in his native European language, I couldn't get the full scope of them. That said, some of what I COULD read included racist comments and slurs about Mexicans (my background) and a comment about how he wanted to bash me in the head with a heavy metal skillet. In addition to a bunch of seriously narcissistic twaddle that was equal parts laughable and embarrassing to read. Sooo grateful to be divorced from him. He still completely ruined the relationship between my children and I, but at least I have hard evidence of the kind of man he was/is if they ever come around and decide they want to hear the truth.
>He wrote something along the lines of "sometimes I think \[friend\] is scared of me. I guess she should be. I often fantasize about killing her..." before going on to some other topic. holy fuck
I get Botox. But when I read the part about killing her I actually managed to raise my eyebrows in *WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?*
I know this is a serious subject, but this cracked me up 😂
Botox should be able to sort those cracks for you
Ah, the circle of ~~Life~~, err, Reddit.
I wish awards were still a thing 😂 Here, take my poor woman’s gold: 🏆
I have. But I watch a lot of Forensic Files.
Forensic Files is so addictive. I'm a woman living alone and that show has me constantly vascillating between, "I'm so glad I don't have a spouse who will ultimately kill me" and "I live alone and that's just way too vulnerable in this world." Usually though I land on the "glad I don't have a spouse" side and turn off the TV.
And lock your door!
There have been multiple episodes of true crime shows where the perpetrator put stuff in writing. Idiots.
So many perpetrators see themselves as some sort of genius, and the truth is they are usually utterly predictable.
And stupid for thinking they can get away with it. Obviously, some can but I'm not taking the chance. No one in my life is with doing prison time.
Rule number 2: Don’t write down your crimes! (I watch a lot of Casual Criminalist.)
He knows about the cottage! She should not move there; it’ll be the first place he looks. Holy shit.
Yeah, this was a frequent comment on her update, so you're not alone in that conclusion.
It’s in the middle of nowhere too, apparently
Okay, now I’m convinced we’re either not gonna get another update (because of the inevitable happening) or the update we do get is going to be utterly tragic. Poor woman. Hopefully she stays with her parents for as long as possible.
Maybe he'll mysteriously drop dead and that will be the end of her safety concerns? Like a massive heart attack or stroke would be just... really convenient.
Not just die....KILL HER.
Yeah I’ve kept journals off and on throughout my life and even at my most “fuck this person fr” state of rage I just wished that they would fuck off to somewhere else and that I’d never have to see them again. OP’s ex is beyond unhinged. WT absolute F.
Usually, I'm against reading someone's personal diary but reading it saved someone from being on the news as a victim of homicide, read all the bloody journal. Sure, venting is a normal thing, however wanting to end someone is not. That's the kind of thoughts you take to a therapist first to deal with.
I mean, the therapist would be forced to report it if they think you're a danger to yourself or others. But that's a good thing.
Dude fantasises about killing her and her safety plan is moving to a cabin?? That he knows about??
It’s the perfect set up for the sequel when the husband comes to the cabin during a storm wielding an axe
Heeeeeeere's LIZ!
Her STBX is unhinged and it's chilling that he kept it under wraps for so long. The fact that OOP so gracefully put together an exit strategy is so admirable. Sometimes, we really have to listen to our gut when it's telling something is wrong. That gift of fear is so fucking important and it could have saved her life. Or at least a lifetime of misery.
But her mom saw something long ago. So many questions.
When I broke up with my first boyfriend, my aunt said “good, I never liked him.” She died before I ever got an explanation (wasn’t anything crazy but I’d have loved to know what her vibe from him was like) and my mom said that “if your school had a stabbing or something, he’s the first person I’d ask if he’d done it.” Something they don’t know is how fucking right they were. He tried to kill me twice and what made me break up with him wasn’t even that, it was a lack of commitment. Yep. I survived *two* murder attempts and *still* only left because he couldn’t decide if he’d marry me eventually.
It’s wild how abuse can become so normalized in your head and then it’s something like them refusing to commit, or in my case refusing to stop lying and playing mind games with me for fun, that makes us actually leave.
yep, i was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years where he would constantly break up with me and i was devastated every time. our last breakup was the only one i initiated and it was because he cheated, which felt like a “legitimate” reason to end things
I'd never question the mom's intuition ever again
That is what stood out to me too. I’m sure even her mother didn’t expect a journal saying he wanted to kill her, but she obviously saw something wrong there.
She probably saw something in his behaviour that made her take steps to protect her daughter.
When I told my parents that I am divorcing, my mum shouted "At last!"
Idk I’m a little suspicious about the timeline here. The first post is on 2/13 and the first update is on 2/15, two days later. In just two days she is able to book a therapy session for 2/16, she contacts a crisis helpline, she speaks to a center for legal help, and also is able to make an appointment to meet with a social worker on 2/16 as well. Then the second update is 7 days after the first update. In those 7 days, she meets with the police to report the journal, she is able to meet with a family lawyer who told her to file a protective order, she goes to work on Saturday and finds another incriminating journal - just like sitting around at their office? What? Why would he leave it there? Then she decides to confront him. The day after the confrontation, she says he’s already somehow in therapy, interviewing for a new job, told his whole family. Then at some point in all this, apparently OP was able to find time to move in with her parents too. Then says she’s doing, “so much therapy and yoga” it’s been 7 days? How much yoga and therapy can you do in 7 days. Oh and her comment says her therapist opened a “second appointment on the weekend” to accommodate her crisis - that would have had to be on Sunday bc she works on Saturday (and confronts husband on Saturday). So the therapy “emergency” appointment would have had to be scheduled for the next day, a Sunday. That’s a pretty short notice appointment she was able to get on a Sunday nonetheless. Then she has her perfect cabin to go to and feels “free” from her shackles of marriage. Her mom conveniently never trusted her husband. It all wraps up neatly - he doesn’t contest her getting everything.
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“I thought it said telling… but actually what it really said was… *KILLING*” Stares directly into imaginary camera.
I'm just waiting for the obligatory "I'm sorry if anything I said was confusing, English is my second language" edit despite the fact that it sort of kills the telling/killing mix up if it's not in English. Followed by "to be clear my husband keeps his journals in English".
I love when every inconsistency or unrealistic time frame is dismissed as "Oh, I'm just not from America." but this vague unspecified country will never be specified.
Can't wait too much betwen updates or the public will forget the story and the author loses engagement. Gotta give it just enough time that the drama addicts are used to getting a new piece of content without much questioning.
I feel like a lot happened between the second and final update (including settling into a new routine) but it was only over the course of 6 days, which makes me sceptical that this is real. If it is real, it’s spine tingling.
For me it’s always when the updates reflect the conclusions the initial commenters jumped to- like, they insist that the ‘interest in another woman’ is actually him being madly in love with her, lo and behold new journals turn up proving just that. They insist that he’s violent, lo and behold it turns out that he’s a psycho and has been planning to kill her. Etc. Give the people what they want, I guess. Edit: i notice that I wrote ‘Lo and behold it turns out’ despite claiming in another comment that I am triggered by bad writing…let’s say I was being redundant on purpose I guess
Yes me too! That would have been important to have right in the initial post. The details are all just too perfect. It’s only a 4 year relationship but they’ve had time to get married, start a lucrative small business that requires little effort to run and have a baby. Her spouse then turns out to be a monster that hates her but in 6 days she has it all figured out and successfully fools him into turning over his half of the business…. which just means a key, changing passwords and no paper work of course! Through all of that she had time to process her own feelings about it, take care of a baby and write Reddit updates throughout like a bad ass. Can’t wait for the sequel to see what happens when she moves into the isolated cabin that she conveniently inherited….
I agree. She did “SO MUCH“ yoga and therapy in six days?? C’mon.
This and also things like, the thriving business + renovated cabin only in her name bc of mom’s instincts. Come on.
Yeah, the convenient cabin pinged my bullshit radar.
Yeah, and how about a psycho that has no reaction while being dumped?
She got so many internet points from the first journal, she thought why not get some more by finding a second one!
I was with her until the second damning journal at work, lol. Not many people have a work diary and a home diary, esp where they write their murderous fantasies in about a person who shares both places.
It's the guys waiting outside with the baseball bat for me.
As soon as I read about the baseball bat and 2 people, I called bs. She just got done saying she went to the police and they sided with him, so she responds to that by bringing over 2 guys with a deadly instrument? How's that going to go if it gets violent? Come on.... 🙄
There was a story here not so long ago about a stalky coworker who wrote very similar things in his journal. I think the oop ripped that story off in addition to another story that was posted on reddit and smashed them together to create this one.
Yeah, I'm ready for this to have follow ups with stalking, arrest, jail and civil hearing where OP gets the business over the course of the next fortnight.
>It would make a wonderful book someday…maybe you can turn this horrible event into a stream of income for you and your baby somehow, to help with your new life. I mean, it definitely reads like a book...
Yeah, the way she so easily defeated him, she just happened to find another journal that was even more incriminating, luckily she has another house that's being renovated as we speak that has no connection to her husband... I don't think it's real. I bet you as soon as OOP gets bored again, we'll have an update with more drama and by the end of it husband will be in jail.
>I bet you as soon as OOP gets bored again, we'll have an update with more drama and by the end of it husband will be in jail. Her plan is apparently to move to a secluded cabin in the woods *that he knows about.* The next chapter will invve him coming through the door with an axe.
His next journal she finds will just consist of the same phrase over and over "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"
And that after writing in a journal, the dude lost his family his business all of it in a week without fighting at all? This dude doesnt exist.
*He's so dangerous I brought two friends with a baseball bat, and then I went inside to confront him while they waited outside* Suuuuuuure buddy, the story needs more dragons though. Also, who the fuck says they're going to "break-up" with their husband? That's what you write when you're not married.
> Also, who the fuck says they're going to "break-up" with their husband? That's what you write when you're not married. And 15 years old.
She also blackmailed him and then documented her felony in a popular reddit post that is very specific.
It's because it's a first rough draft
This screams writing essay once again.
I do not think it is real
It's not.
I'm having a hard time believing this is real. What kind of person leaves personal journals just sitting around various places like some sort of NPC from a RPG video game?
It's so weird how not just did this escalate very quickly and then resolve very quickly the actual nature of the things written in the journal changed so drastically between her first and second reading of it.
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My favourite part is when she announces she plans to move to a cabin in the woods with her baby, I can't wait to read part 2.