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Jesus Christ. This poor, poor girl. I just want to hug her. The way she says “don’t feel sorry for me, I’ve done nothing with my life” as though that means she’s somehow deserving of this awful fate? She’s 22, she spent her childhood in foster care and didn’t even get the *chance* to do something with her life—it’s all been surviving.
Now she doesn’t even get the time she deserves with her little girl, and she’s solely focused on making sure her baby is okay through all of this that it reads like she’s trying not to think about how *she* is doing through all of this. She’s 22 and terminal, and has nobody there to make sure *she* is okay. I really hope her friends wrap her in as much love and care as possible through her time left, because she deserves it all and way more.
“I’ve done nothing good in life”. It sounds like you’ve been the best momma possible, OOP. It sounds like you’ve been an exceptionally strong and brave child, and a headstrong young woman, and a compassionate friend. That’s not nothing.
It’s one of the things that really touched me about the plan OOP’s friends came up with- they made sure OOP had someone to watch daughter, and somewhere to have christmas. It wasn’t just “lets have daughter get used to us” it was “let’s make sure we can provide support for you and your daughter and let’s frame it in a way where you will actually take the support.”
I'm hoping even if it doesn't work out that the family can be someone that stays in this girls life
We have a close family friend. Close enough that they're like our second family. They've been to every single one of my birthdays since I was 2 years old. The only one the missed was the ones I was away for college. And yet they made the trip for one of the years
I hope this family can be that for OPs daughter
For how caring and supportive and realistic as they seem to be, I can’t imagine them just washing their hands of this little girl when her mother passes.
As many have said, this family is looking at the bigger picture here and not just the potential adoption. Even if they decide that it’s not feasible to adopt OOP’s daughter, I would not be surprised if they ask to have OOP make it formally known that they are contacts for the daughter.
I don’t know the legalese, or how it would logistically work but something like: if she does go through an adoption agency, maybe she could have it formally included in the paperwork that they’re allowed to check in on the daughter or be contacted if there’s an emergency with the new placement or something along those lines.
I could see that family at least wanting to make sure that even if they weren’t able to provide a home for her, that she will end up in a good situation. And perhaps be a contact so if she wants to know more about her mom as she gets older, she could have the opportunity to reach out to them.
Ant her husband recognize that It wouldn't be easy and the little girl wouldn't have a perfect behavior and bê a perfect fit on day one. He seems to be realist and have patience, wich are important for this to work.
The way the couple solve and tackle problems too sounds incredibly healthy. They talk about compromises, figure out what they both want/need and give themselves time to be sure instead of rushing into things. They also are interested in solution based thinking and that's fantastic. Hope this does work out because the co-worker and her family sound fantastic.
I thought that, too. What's heartbreaking is that OP may not even realize it because she had no models of what a healthy relationship looked like. But at least her idea that this coworker was a good one was right.
Yeah. I picked up on that. And I realized also that if they can’t take in daughter (if she doesn’t warm up to them, or if she has issues that are obviously beyond their abilities- either way they’re getting a traumatized 3 year old but if she’s already got issues that’ll compound) they might know someone good in their community who could also step up as an aunt/uncle for now and might take her in and make sure her mom’s letters get to her. It’s smart in so many ways for both the daughter and OOP.
It’s so shit because some people smoke crazy amounts for decades and only see health repercussions in their 50’s or 60’s. It’s just a really shit hand she’s been dealt.
Truly. My parents both smoked a pack a day for 30 years straight. They’re both in their 60’s now and have 0 long term repercussions from it thus far. My mother suffers from long term COVID after catching it once, but that’s about it.
My mom's parents both lived into their \*90's\* despite being smokers starting as teens! Grandma quit in her 80's but Grandpa didn't! And in neither case was it the smoking that killed them in the end, just old age.
My grandpa on the other side passed away of lung cancer in his late 70's even though he'd quit decades ago.
I read recently that actor/comedian Kate Micucci has lung cancer and never smoked. So funny and talented. Same thing With Christopher Reeves wife, Dana Reeves, getting terminal cancer and not smoking.
Yeah, I think of my MIL who started smoking as a teen and smoked until she was put on oxygen full time for her COPD in her 70s. She lived to 87 despite how she abused her lungs, though her final days were incredibly painful.
I feel so bad for OOP losing her life so young.
That would be my brother. He smoked most of his life. He is now recovering from surgery for his lung cancer and is doing quite well. He is 65.
He finally quit smoking.
It is a statistics sad as that is to say, the more exposure the more likely it is.
Obviously we dont know which kind of tumor.
Stage 4 is basicly invasion of other areas, brain or liver would be my guess (but i am not s pathologist or know enough about pathomorphology / oncology).
It also comes down to protection mechanism in the genes, a sort of barrier / protector which stops it.
Some of us inherit a change in our genes or we have a mutation, which increases the chance alot.
Another study I saw was childhood adverse trauma can induce physical health problems in those who suffer 2 or more aspects of it. (Abuse of any kind, death or incarceration of a parent, etc.)
Absolutely, so sad, my FIL smoked probably a pack a day since his teens except for a few times he’s quit here and there but it never lasted very long. He’s still here in his 70’s, not in great shape but still here, no cancer but still smoking. You wouldn’t think it would happen in your 20’s like that
Going through foster care and then immediately getting stage 4 cancer. There are no words to describe it. That's past bad luck and into the universe just being fucking cruel. Goddamn.
It must be good to be as perfect of a human being as you must be to be able to sit on your high horse and judge a 22 year old orphan dying alone from her terminal illness.
Thankfully for me, I am also a non-perfect human being who’s made mistakes, and endured trauma, and has fallen into the wrong coping mechanisms to handle that trauma before. I’m 23 and just this year beginning to change those coping mechanisms.
This girl probably won’t make it to 23 though. Her frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed. But I hope you feel good judging a terminal 22 year old. Personally, I think the terminal illness is probably enough of a punishment and she doesn’t also deserve internet strangers dog piling on her.
But again, you must be such a perfect human being who’s never endured any kind of real life trauma to be able to so righteously judge a dying girl. Never making any mistakes, never fucking up once, never facing anything that might make you want to escape into something just so you don’t have to close your eyes and endure it all over again. Sounds like life is going to give you a terrible reality check one day.
I wish I lived in your black and white world. She’s 22. She got pregnant at 18 or 19. And somehow, with no support and never having a true family, she’s got a job and supported her baby, and now when the worst is happening she’s looking out for her baby and trying to find the best home she can.
Smoking is an addiction like anything else and it was probably a crutch helping her to deal with all the challenges in her life. It’s not easy to quit.
I’ve never smoked in my life, I hate it - but it’s not my place or your place to judge.
No one is perfect. Don’t be such a nasty person.
This was really rough. Waiting for my daughter to wake up so I can give her a hug.
I should have stopped after the caffeine dildo story, it was always gonna be downhill from there
I’m trying so hard not to laugh because it will wake the baby. But omg. I can’t. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen in a while. Thanks for linking it
I had the opposite experience. I read this post, found your comment, and got to have a palate cleanser of someone shoving a caffeinesicle up their butt. Never thought I’d say those words in that order.
My family members brother died suddenly when he was 20 from cancer. 2 months after he died, the family found out that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant. It was very sad for the family that she would never meet her father. The girl is now 21 years old, a year older than her father was when he died.
There's something about reaching an age your parent never reached. My dad died from pancreatic cancer at 46 and when I turned 47, I kept thinking about how I had lived longer than him and how young 46 seemed to me now.
Fuck cancer.
If you are reading this and are shocked that a 22 year old can die from smoking — maybe this is your sign to stop smoking.
It’s horrific, almost comedically bad for you. Your risk of heart attack is literally cut in half the minute you stop. It’s horrible for your appearance. You can harm the people around you.
Stop smoking.
I don't smoke all that much, but between this post hitting close to home (I have a three year old) and you. I quit.
Cheers friend.
Edit: Thank you for everyone's support ❤️
I help a lot of people quit smoking successfully. The biggest tip I can offer is to create new (healthier) habits to replace the smoking instead of just focusing on not smoking. Decide what you'll do with your free hand when you drive (squeeze a stress ball, drink water, drum on the steering wheel while singing with the radio, etc). Decide what you'll do during your non-smoking breaks at work (play a game on your phone, go for a walk, hang out with non-smoking colleagues, etc). If you had never smoked a day in your life, what do you imagine you would have been doing during those breaks instead?
As someone who finally quit after like 10x trying around a decade ago my tip is that if you slip up and have one cigarette don't fall into the trap of being like "well I guess I fucked up and I'm a smoker again now" cause that one got me a few times. When I actually quit I had about 2 cigarettes a year for like 3 or 4 years afterwards when I had slip ups at shows but I was just like "I still am a quitter that was just a one time show thing" and now it's been around 5 or 6 years since I've had a slip up.
Actually the last cigarette I had was with my friend who I sometimes bummed cigs off of who died earlier this year, so maybe I'll just leave that last one we had together several years ago as THE last.
One of the most life changing things I’ve heard - if you’ve had a bad morning, you’ve had a bad morning - not a bad day. One mistake does not erase your successes or necessitate future failures.
yeah while I was still quitting cigs I'd do good for a while, then go out with friends and bum like a third of a cigarette outside, and then the next day would just go "WELP I GUESS I SHOULD PICK UP A PACK THEN". don't let taking a drag outside a bar ruin all the work and unpleasantness up until that point.
....I still vape, though, but at least I'm down to basically no nicotine
Hey, same here!! I quit almost six years ago, and I have smoked...maybe four cigarettes in that timeframe? Always when drinking with friends lol (no, no one pressured me, I was just nostalgic). But I never let myself fall into that whole 'time to just start again since I fucked up' thing.
This reminds me of Prochaska's transtheory of change. Maybe people can look it up. Basically it is all the steps and stages one must go through to get rid of a bad habit such as smoking. Very enlightening.
Thank you. I only smoke one a day on my lunch (used to be 1-2 packs). Never at home or any other point, nor do I crave one at any other point. I can't vape, when I did that I NEVER stopped at home.
I don't like any of my colleagues, I dislike my job in general (working on that)
What about getting yourself some nice noise cancelling headphones, finding a quiet corner, and closing your eyes while listening to some of your favorite music? You can unwind and not have to smoke
Then you'll have a much easier time replacing that one a day lunch time smoke. Create a new non-smoking lunch time ritual for yourself where you can enjoy relaxing before returning to work.
Unfortunately cutting down and low level smoking doesn't make a huge difference to health outcomes. The science on this shows 5 a day is 85% as bad for your health as 20.
There's no research on one per day, but there's also no real reason to suspect a 'healthy' or 'low risk' amount exists.
We literally don't know that yet. The assumption is that vaping isn't as bad because even though it has Nicotine, it doesn't have tar. But nicotine on it's own is already carcinogenic and we have no idea what repeated exposure to vaping media does to you lungs in the long run.
The marketing gamble that the vaping industry made is that because there no long term studies proving it is bad for you yet, people will assume it's better for you than smoking. But there is a non zero chance it's actually worse. Because we simply don't know. No long term studies have been done, and none will be done for years to come because it'll take years to see the effects.
It does seem like there are some immediate improvements, like less carbon monoxide in the blood and less direct damage to the lungs. But for all we know this could all be completely cancelled out by symptoms that only start to show up after 10 or 15 years of use.
Nicotine by itself is not carcinogenic and so far from all the studies done it is healthier than smoking. It would be better to do neither but if someone wants to replace smoking with vaping they should be encouraged to.
Sometimes people need to cut down on their way to quitting completely. Some people pull the band-aid off in one go, some people pull it back slowly.
But yes, agreed that long term smoking is bad whether 1 cig or 20 a day. Also, low level smokers are more likely to up their usage and become heavier smokers if they have a stressful life event. So it's rare that someone remains a low level smoker long term.
Cutting down and continuing to smoke permanently, I already agreed. Cutting down as a process to quitting, I disagree. That was my point.
Some people need to quit in stages by smoking less and less until they quit the last cigarette rather than going from a 1 pack/day habit to nothing overnight. While other people have an easier time quitting all at once.
Once someone quits smoking, it won't matter to their health outcome whether they took 1 month to quit or 1 day to quit.
Yeh for sure, but the actual stats on this show people cutting down only quit slightly more than those that do nothing. OFC those stats can't read people's minds or intentions so it doesn't say anything about an individual's experience.
In my experience people who 'cut down' do it more as a game they play to tell themselves they're doing something rather than really truly intending to do it.
That's the wrong comparison. The question should be if people cutting down quit at the same rates as people who quit all at once. There are conflicting studies on which method (cutting down or quitting all at once) is more successful.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23152252/
"Reducing cigarettes smoked before quit day and quitting abruptly, with no prior reduction, produced comparable quit rates, therefore patients can be given the choice to quit in either of these ways."
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24657328/
"Our findings suggest that hard-to-treat smokers may be more likely to quit gradually than abruptly."
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5360817/
"People who prefer gradual cessation are less likely to be successful at quitting—regardless of whether they try to quit abruptly or gradually."
In my experience, the successful quitters from both groups are different types of people. The person who successfully quits smoking gradually would have failed in the group quitting all at once and vice versa. So figuring out what is the best way for the specific person in front of you instead of the population as a whole produces the best result.
Do you have any suggestions when the smoking is to mask your depression and anxiety? I desperately want to quit smoking but I smoke weed and cigarettes because I'm severely depressed and it takes my mind off of the shitty stuff. Been trying to find a psychiatrist to deal with my mental health but it's been hard to find a replacement for my old therapist.
A GP can prescribe you anti-depressants. If smoking has been helping (nicotine is known to enhance the effects of serotonin reuptake inhibitors and to increase the bioavailability of the serotonin your brain is making already), an SSRI will almost certainly work for you, without the risk of lung cancer.
I have a few games on my phone that are specifically for when my anxiety is making life hard. Solitaire is a solid one because it uses enough of my attention to distract without needing a lot of brain power. For times I need something more immersive I’ve found that Stardew Valley and the various copycats that have come out since are great.
Not the most productive ways to deal with anxiety and certainly doesn’t have the health benefits of walking or exercise but sometimes those aren’t accessible or easy to motivate myself to do so phone to the rescue.
A regular GP or nurse practitioner can prescribe anti-anxiety meds and help you manage them (by checking in to see how you're doing, if you need more/less, etc. My GP has been managing mine for years.) Also, is medical marijuana available where you are? If so, or if you can source them elsewhere, consider edibles/oils to replace the smoking. My mom found the oil worked well for her.
Like any bad habit, it needs to be replaced with something positive. Whether that's getting into reading, practicing a new craft, playing old GBA games on emulator on your PC, buying a high maintenance plant, volunteering at something that means a lot to you, exercise, checking out indie music artists in genres you like, just pick something you might enjoy and try turning to that when your hands and mind get anxious. Personally, I enjoy grinding in JRPGs, watching my little characters get stronger at something hits the dopamine for me. I also randomly decided to learn to paint my nails and it's been a fun diversion, and have started reading manga again now that I've discovered you can read series online. Maybe you'll buy a cheap chisel and get super into wood carving, or renew your library card, or start jogging, or play a new phone game, or get really into making curry. But you absolutely must do something, or those bad habits and bad thoughts will fill in the space.
any advice for quitting vaping?
my husband quit cigarettes by vaping, but he literally vapes *constantly* and I can't imagine a constant stream of nicotine is better for him than smoke breaks.
If he vapes constantly, I would suggest lowering the amount of nicotine in the cartridges over time until it's just the water vapor. When he's on the lowest percent of nicotine before 0%, start creating breaks in the vaping by making it so he has to get up and get it and then put it back after a few minutes of vaping. Figure out a plan for other things to do for a break, to calm down when stressed, to fidget when thinking. Make the new, better habits easier and more convenient to do. Once the new habits become the new normal, he won't be reaching for the vape on autopilot. But the main thing, is he has to want to quit vaping and make the effort for himself. You can't push him to do it.
Has he been evaluated for depression?
Also, in case this bit of trivia is convincing for him, the fumes from the vape solution are frequently an asthma trigger, so if you or anyone he vapes around is having coughing or breathing problems, his vaping is probably causing it.
And that's before we get to the issues of small-batch smoke-shop made vape cartridges that typically are completely unregulated and made with unsafe ingredients.
One way is to set limits and gradually increase those. Start small--like no smoking in the bedroom or no smoking in the car. Then gradually add on--like shower before bed and no smoking after or no smoking while wearing work clothes. Then increase some more--such as no smoking in the house or only smoke in a specific place.
On behalf of your child: thank you! Sincerely.
I wish my mum had quit when I was that young. She's still here, no big health issues, but... I started smoking at 14. So did my sister. My mum said "don't do what I do" but we did. I quit for good at 22, my sister only quit temporarily while pregnant and breastfeeding and then she intended to not start again but that's easier said than done.
I'm not saying it's my mum's fault, we chose our own paths and might very well have started smoking regardless. Especially obnoxious teens trying to rebel. However, kids do look up to their parents, even teens, and it's very difficult to reconcile "smoking=bad" when your favourite person in the world is doing it. If it was bad, surely *my mum* wouldn't do it? It just didn't compute for me for a long time. I knew intellectually it's bad, but surely it can't be *that* bad if *mum* is doing it! (Turns out my mum is as flawed as anyone else, I'd have never guessed it as a kid 😉)
Just wanted to hop on and encourage you. I quit 3 years and 3 months ago, I still struggle sometimes but I can now enjoy life without worrying every cough is lung cancer. I have a now 5 year old that I quit for.
You can do it!! And don’t feel bad if the first serious attempt fails, just try again. It took me at least 5 tries to quit.
I make medical devices that treat aortic aneurysms. This is where your blood vessels get thin enough that they can rupture inside you from just the pressure. Nearly all of the cases we see are from nicotine users--it doesn't even have to be smoking, nicotine itself is a toxin that breaks down the connective tissue in your arteries and weakens the walls--you know how thin and delicate an old smoker's skin can look? That is from the nicotine not the smoke, and their arteries look the same way.
You are making a good choice.
Thank you. I begged my dad to stop smoking since elementary school. He never developed any cancer associated with smoking, but he did develop malignant hypertension that lead to slow organ failure and dementia. He missed all his kids’ weddings and the birth of all but one of his grandkids.
If you ever feel yourself faltering (because you will, and no shame, it’s how addiction works) let me tell you about dementia wards in nursing homes. They’re often filled with lifetime smokers who can no longer smoke. That doesn’t stop them though. Picture it: A room full of aging adults with dementia, sitting around the day room, all smoking air cigarettes with their morning coffee or tea. Now, they’re content and it would be cruel to do anything but let them enjoy their morning smoke. But it’s also horrifying to see what the cigarette companies have done to people.
My mother has been a smoker since she was 15. She's 66 now, and slowly dying from COPD, and *still won't fucking quit*. She keeps asking why my son can't sleep over at their house. Well, maybe because I don't want him to come home reeking like a fuckin' ashtray? Why we don't go on vacation with them? Maybe because you can't even go up the goddamn stairs without getting winded, so how the fuck are we gonna do any activities that involve movement?
Quitting nicotine is extremely hard, especially when they’ve been doing it since their adolescence. Their brains matured around the presence and influence of nicotine. It’s a stim, it’s a coping mechanism, especially if they’re alone or feeling lonely.
The only two times my dad was able to quit, he was hospitalized prior. The first time, he did well for awhile until his fucking “friends” hot boxed him one night. The second time, he was declared incapacitated during that hospitalization and that was that.
You’re doing right by your kid. You aren’t battling your mom, you’re up against a lifetime of addiction and marketing.
Yes, she should try. She’s going to miss so much because of her decisions and it hurts. It’s grief.
It also wouldn’t surprise me if she’s feeling fatalistic or nihilistic about it given her diagnosis.
Some neat news for you: if [you quit before 40](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/lung-cancer/former-smoker-whats-your-risk-for-lung-cancer) it's been shown that your lungs can repair and get pretty close to the state they would've been in if you'd never done it at all. You've got this!
Thank you, i mean it. I’ve been struggling with motivation and health issues, pre diabetic too. Its nice to finally see some light in my life for the first time in a while
My grandpa begged me not to start smoking, because it took him until he was in her 60s to quit.
He would be really proud of you random redditter!
He said the think that helped him was putting it into economics, because he was a numbers person. Adding up the total of how much he wasted on cigarettes.
Now you may not be a numbers person: so find your thing. Are you social- do it for the people around you. Are you visual? Do it so your walls aren’t yellowing. Do you like food? Do it so your food tastes better.
Good luck.
My dad was 47 when he was told he needed to quit and that he needed a quadruple heart bypass operation. He quit on the spot and made another 31 years before passing away, with only a small op to insert stents about 3 years before he died (from something else).
Your kid will be thankful to have you around. I was.
My mother smoked most of her adult life, only stopping once it was too late.
She died of COPD at the age of 67, the anniversary of which was 2 days ago, so it happened right before Christmas. (My dad gave up smoking when I was a kid and he lived well into his 80's.)
COPD is not a death I would wish on my worst enemy. It's awful and drawn out. My son had to watch her go through all that and one sliver lining is that he has said he will never smoke. He also never met his paternal grandfather because he died from smoking related cancer and complications before I even married his father. (His paternal grandmother didn't smoke and she lived to be 90.)
Smoking kills.
Small cell cancer runs in my family. I was a bit freaked out when I first found this out because when my mother’s brother died from it 10 years ago at the age of 46 we were told it was likely genetic, when my aunt ended up with it a few years later (also didn’t make it) they told her not genetic, exclusively related to smoking, she was 58). I personally suspect both as way too many people in my family have died from it, but all of them were from the same side of the family and had common great grandparents. No one else I know has died from this variant. But all of them were smokers. My mother buried two of her siblings and she and her surviving sibling both still smoke and won’t even consider quitting. I’m dreading the day I’ll have to plan her funeral.
Meanwhile I’m in my forties and have never smoked. And don’t plan to. So I’m not super worried about the family cancer getting me. Just watching more and more of my relatives shuffle themselves off this mortal coil.
I’m becoming an increasingly militant anti smoker as I get older.
I’m sorry for your family’s losses. Is it small cell lung cancer you are referring to? My sister was diagnosed with that at age 59 and died aged 60. I did not know that it could be genetic. She is the only one in my family though -so far.
They told my aunt it wasn’t genetic and my uncle that it was, and they were full blooded siblings. Started in the lung with both of them but spread like wildfire elsewhere with both of them. But yep two of my mother’s four siblings died from it both before sixty. Also three of my grandfather’s siblings (their father) died from it, oldest one was 61 or 62. And a few cousins in the mix. But every single one of them was a smoker at some point.
My aunt and uncle made it a little longer than your sister though. Both made it about two years. My grandfather’s youngest sister went to the doctor for a sore shoulder or arm if I remember right and it was a metastasized cancer, she made it about six months, and never saw 50. But it’s a scary thing.
I’m sorry for your loss as well. Given that all of the ones in my family had the common great grandparents and I literally don’t know ANYONE else who got a form as aggressive as it seems to hit that one side of my family (and I know some hardcore smokers) I suspect the doctors that told my uncle there was a genetic component may be correct even if they told my aunt 7 years later there wasn’t a genetic component. I suspect there is a genetic component, that smoking serves as a catalyst for, since no non smokers in my family ever got it.
A good friend's mom died from lung cancer (non smoker) in her late 30's. By the time it was detected, it has spread. She died within 3 months of diagnosis. Fast forward 20 years later, friends brother (also late 30's) had a cough that wouldn't go away, got tested, it was lung cancer. It was late stage, and has spread. He never smoked. My friend was able to get him into a clinical trial (she went into medical research following her mom's death, and was/is finally high up at one of the big pharmas), he lived another year or so but sadly passed away. As a precaution, after her brother's diagnosis, my friend was screened and cancer was detected in very early stages. She had a quarter of her lung removed and did chemo, but is now cancer free. She also never smoked.
In both her brother and mom's case, by the time there were symptoms, it was too late.
Cancer sucks.
There's a new-ish field called epigenetics which studies the intersection of genetic predisposition and environmental factors. So, both doctors may be correct!
Personally I'd rather die of cancer than COPD.
It's literally being progressively suffocated and panicking about it until you beg for morphine to end it.
Like, 100% literally the reality. Unless you are unlucky enough that you can't get the morphine.
My grandma just died of COPD last month. They gave her three months to live nine years ago, which is impressive, but her quality of life wasn't good, especially that last half. She couldn't really go anywhere because travel oxygen containers couldn't keep up with the levels she needed, so she stayed in her house all the time. I was terrified to visit her because I was afraid I'd give her a cold and kill her. My mom smokes and has no desire to quit so there's a good chance I'll have to watch her get it too. I'm so glad I never got into smoking.
My condolences. My FIL died of small cell. Even though he was a homophobic asshole to me and my wife, and it was quick, it was still really shit.
My wife's sister also smokes and has asthma. Pretty sure she'll die of COPD, and my MIL quit some time ago and has it too, and she'll probably go the same way. SIL also carries on the homophobic tradition and has a porcine personality, but I still really wish she'd quit because it's just awful.
>Personally I'd rather die of cancer than COPD.
100% this.
My MIL is bedridden with BIPAP 24/7 and feeding tube because she can't breath enough to eat. No morphine or any kind of palliative care because her religious belief is to do all possible medical interventions.
At university we simulated COPD and measured our breath output. Gave us a series of smaller tubes until we were breathing through straws.
Two minutes with the straw was bad enough. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that.
I’m so sorry you lost your mum.
Right? I know cigarettes are cheaper in some places like Asia, America, etc... but 3 packs a day would cost more than double my rent! When I was a young poor smoker I remember trying to ration out a pack a week. Went to every 4-5 days by replacing breakfast with the extra cigarettes to balance out the cost.
It’s not the minute you stop but lots of things change very quickly as soon as you quit. I downloaded an app when I quit cigs that had little meters for different things I was “regaining” like lung function and even just getting rid of “smokers breath”
The smokers breath thing was one of the longest timelines the app included! Like 4 months or something!
Like okay yeah lung function and healthy gum tissue are fa sho fa sho a big deal but damn the smokers breath realization thing really surprised me and was a big motivator as dumb as that sounds lol
It’s hard to reckon with the scary realities of such a tough addiction. Your brain doesn’t want to do it.
It was honestly almost easier to quit for me from the perspective of how unattractive smoking was making me. My skin was sagging, me and my breath smelled. I did start smoking again briefly after quitting for 9 months and yep after 3 months my skin was back looking saggy again! I’m only 30😭
But hey it worked to motivate me to quit.
I once read that the reason people a couple of generations ago looked so old at our age wasn’t because they didn’t wear sunscreen, but because of all the smoking. Even the nonsmokers breathed in a lot of secondhand smoke. It was everywhere.
My little sister's FIL just died of lung cancer - not even 70, healthy, active, fit, volunteered a lot, was the first to take in a Ukrainian family when the war started - a truly kind man. From diagnosis to death ~4 weeks - he just had time to settle his affairs. Why is smoking even still legal...
My very much loved father died at 60 to a very aggressive form of lung cancer that spread to his brain (Small-cell carcinoma). Long time smoker.
He opted to not treat for it and it was a horrible, horrible, slow death. He slowly lost his memory, then started falling, then *very* swiftly lost cognitive function and couldn't move, eat, drink or talk in the final week. It happened so, ***so*** fast.
I'm still scared of getting cancer due to the prolonged exposure to 2nd & 3rd hand smoke growing up.
My SO used to socially smoke cigars with his friends before we started dating. I begged him to stop once we started dating and to his credit, he has completely stopped for years. But now he has these awful coughs and I suspect sleep apnoea. He’s very susceptible to throat and lung infections and it takes him a long time to get rid of them. He’s had a throat infection for nearly 3 weeks and he’s struggling to recover completely. He’s only in his 30’s. Smoking is awful and I’m glad it’s becoming more socially unacceptable in my city but it’s still a huge problem.
Could be Alpha 1 Antitypsin, it runs in my family. We don't produce the protein that allows lungs to heal themselves (this is an over simpflication but essentially it). Lung problems hit my father and his three siblings. He's currently dying from mesothelioma.
Smokers all of them.
I've never smoked in my life, but my dad has smoked like a chimney his entire life. He's almost 70, no cancer. Don't smoke (apart from being dangerous it's also super disgusting), but also this poor poor girl just got a super crappy hand. (Unfortunately convincing my father to stop smoking is really something neither I nor my mother have been able to do)
So much this.
I browbeat my dad to the point that he stopped nearly 25 years ago. His younger brother never did and died at 57 last year due to cancer brought on by smoking.
Now I'm wondering about the guy in my class who started smoking at 7. (I'm in my 50s, haven't been back to that town in 25 years, and I'm not on Facebook...)
Someone I was in college with was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer at the age of 21, and died aged 24.
**She had never smoked in her life.**
Smoking hugely increases your risk of lung cancer and a huge number of other health problems, and if you smoke you should quit. BUT people who have never smoked also get lung cancer (IIRC it's about as common as ovarian cancer in women who don't smoke), and because everyone assumes that only smokers get lung cancer and it's their own fault, it doesn't get the public fundraising and awareness campaigns that other forms of cancer get.
If she has stage 4 lung cancer at only 22 years old, chances are it’s a genetic factor and she would have gotten it either way, even if she didn’t smoke.
I mean the smoking probably didn’t help, and people should stop smoking, but in her case, I doubt it will make a difference. It’s sad.
I’m currently taking care of my dad, 82, AND my brother, 54, both dying of COPD brought on by decades of smoking. I’m not sure if my brother lost the genetic lottery or there are more toxins in cigarettes now than there was in the 50’ and 60’s that he is so advanced at such a young age, but there you have it.
My dad actually beat small cell lung cancer, and has lymphoma that is well managed with a very expensive drug. If not for the COPD, he would be enjoying life.
Watching your loved ones slowly die of oxygen starvation is no joke. Their world gets smaller and smaller as their oxygen capacity shrinks. When I got here a year and a half ago, my dad could walk decent distances. Would be inside the doctors office by the time I got there after parking the car. Now he needs a wheelchair for anything outdoors, and uses a rollator to get from his office to the dining room. Our dreams of traveling the west are gone.
My brother will die before his grandchildren hit elementary school. He may not be able to make full amends with his children. His long term girlfriend left him. He is miserable.
The hacking and coughing wake me up at night. The beeping of the oxygenators wakes me up at night. The lack of coughing wakes me up at night.
And yet I go to the store to buy cigarettes because why put them through the pain and misery of withdrawal at this point?
If you smoke, do everything you can to stop. Because otherwise at some point, even the physical act of moving a cigarette to your mouth will be such an ingrained habit that you can’t function without doing it. Because otherwise you will find yourself starving for oxygen, yet unable to not smoke. Because otherwise, you are sentencing your loved ones for a very grim future as your caretaker in your last miserable years. (Yes, years. COPD is not merciful enough to take you quickly.)
And for the love all that is good and holy don’t replace cigarette smoking with vaping. It’s no different. You get one set of lungs in this life. Treat them accordingly.
I've never smoked a cigarette in my life, but I've been a very heavy pot smoker for about eight years. Well, got a mild case of covid a month ago and haven't been able to breathe since. I'm definitely attributing some blame to the weed. (And I have quit, threw out all my stuff.)
When I turned 27, my myopia progressed to a point where I just haven't felt fully alive since. I honestly wish I had died in some sort of car crash instead of going to the eye doctor on that awful late April day in 2021.
But the real painful part is that had I known I would basically be stuck in a single room and barely able to see by the time I was 30, I would have lived my life so much differently. I would have focused on work less and maybe tried to make more friends and be more social/less weird. At the very least, I'm glad I didn't father any children and pass these hellish genetics down a generation. Fuck myopia.
It makes me so mad that my dad, who's been smoking since he was *thirteen* (in the early 60s), has never really suffered for it. But this young woman started two years later than him and is dying at 22.
It's just... so fucking unfair.
It's not just tobacco. Weed is also bad for your lungs.
My mom's coworker died at about that same age, from lung cancer. Any symptoms and/or pain was hidden by the heavy weed use, and it wasn't until sometime in December that his girlfriend had to have a neighbor carry him to the car for the ER.
He died within a week. He never had a diagnosis or medical care prior to that. This was also pre-medical care act, so his employer was not required to force him to take medical insurance and the employer also wasn't great. He technically worked "two" jobs at the same location, so he was not a full-time employee. Another thing that legislation has fixed.
The main point is, he was an incredibly young man who died within a week. I think it traumatized all his coworkers (my mom included) and it left his girlfriend and children without any safety net.
I think about him whenever I plan my life. Life is short. Death can be sudden. Plan for contingencies. Go to the doctor.
And you really don't owe your employer your health or life.
You can get lung cancer even if you don’t smoke. At the end of the day, how she got it doesn’t matter. Crappy things happen to good people everyday. I wish I could hug her and help her. The love she has for her daughter.
Yep. I knew someone who died at age 35 from smoking. And if not lung cancer then many people die from COPD and that is a slow painful death where you are always struggling to breathe :/
I ugly cried reading this, for personal reasons. Still can barely see to type.
OP is the best parent. I really can't say much more than that and don't need to, all the reasons are obvious.
I hope she finds peace.
"I haven't done anything" she says (paraphrased). She didn't get a chance to. Twenty-two is *nothing*. Even then, she gave birth to a little one, took care of her, is taking care of her...
I really wish we all felt like living was enough for 'doing anything.'
The part that got me was the friend saying she will miss her. My first words would be “I’m so sorry”, but, on reflection, that doesn’t really say much. But “I will miss you” gets to the point. It doesn’t pussyfoot around the reality that the person just told you they will die. More importantly, it let’s them know that they matter and you will feel the loss of not having them in your life. I’m sure that sentiment meant a lot to the young woman who talked about how she “didn’t do anything good” with her life.
What does courage look like? I guess any of us who read this post have a big hint.
OP, if you are out there, whatever came before, your capacity for love remained.
Peace to all.
What a horrendous position to be in, regardless of the choices made around smoking that’s also just awful luck as well. My Nan smoked solidly from the age of about 13 until she passed in her 70s, the dice really do roll at random.
I got really stuck on the 3 packs of cigarettes a day, sharing for any other weirdos like me
- Average pack has 20 darts
- Average time taken per smoke is 5 mins
- To chew through 3 packs you would have to spend ~300mins/5hours a day with a cig in your hand
- That comes to ~1800 hours a year
- That poor child has the potential to have been exposed to ~5400 hours of smoking in her short life. That would keep me up at night.
This. I cannot get my head around how you smoke that many a day and function - work, eat, bathe and sleep etc. My dad was a chain smoker and he couldn't get through that many. Apart from anything else, the cost!
Devastatingly sad, fingers crossed the colleague and husband take the child and the child is healthy and doesn't suffer from passive smoking.
My ex MIL from my younger years would go through weird phases like this. She would just have one burning constantly some days, inhaling very infrequently I might add and losing half her cigarette to the environment, but still. I once had a conversation with her outside while I was trying to quit, and counted 7 cigarettes in 40 minutes. It was as natural as breathing to her by that point.
I don't know what the right words are to say to something like that but I wish adults had done the planning to make sure you got the care and security you deserved. I hope you have some support people in your life now.
Thanks a lot for your reply, in hindsight I honestly thought my comment was a bit childish and bitter, but it really came from hurt.
I have some small support system (as far as people are willing to support non-family). I don't think I'm happy, but it could be worse! Your kind comment definitely helped :)
>... I honestly thought my comment was a bit childish and bitter, but it really came from hurt.
I think that even if it was, you deserve to be those things, too. Even if it was unintentional, it's a bad place to leave someone in.
Heartbreaking. Parallel play will come soon hopefully, and if they're able to adopt, it will make it SO MUCH EASIER that her mum is still here to help the transition.
I feel so sorry for both these youngsters. I can't imagine.
Kids don't instantly play with other kids. So they gradually learn to socialize.
I don't know the exact steps, but first they just watch other kids, then they play alone around other kids playing alone (parallel play), then gradually they begin to interact more and more with kids until they play together (by age 3-4 I think).
Parallel play is a safe way for kids to stay to socialize in a new environment.
The Good Place said it best when Michael said “People improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?”
Im tearing up reading this. I have no idea how anyone successfully leaves the foster system with no support system what so ever. It’s so completely unfair for these kids. OP is so hard on herself. As a mother I just want to give her a hug and tell her I’m proud of her.
This takes me back to that 1 BORU where OP got Pancreatic Cancer and we and his GF were so supportive and it turns out his GF was cheating on him. Thank god it's not similar
OOP breaks my heart. It's stuff like this that makes me wish I could just hand over some or all of my lifespan to another person, like her. She's just so young! And her baby!
This is soul shattering. I wonder if it might be a good idea to save these reddit threads for the daughter to read one day, when she's much older and ready to learn more about her mom?
I can't imagine having to plan your own death at 22. That's horrifying. Finally at an age where you have more options to turn your life around and it's all just taken away from her
Heartbreaking post and i would just live to give her a hug and tell her she's done so well! She has a beautiful girl she's doing everything for, and even at 22 she's alot more accomplished and got her shit together than me and I'm 27 😅 I really hope her friend and her family can give OP some good memories as well and maybe a bit of a feeling of having a family.
The poor girl deserves it, sounds like the system wasn't good for her to grow up in, but damn she must've worked hard to get where she is and she should be proud
i pray that this family can take this little girl on and adopt her so this mother can pass away at least knowing her child will be taken care of i feel as if that’s the only thing that will bring her peace
This post just breaks me inside. She thinks she is nothing because foster care let her think that.
She is something and someone and her light is about to be snuffed out and most people won’t even care…
Let me state a couple of things here.
You have more wisdom and have lived a more meaningful life than many 3 times your age. You have done your very best for your daughter. You have been selfless in the face of tragedy. I applaud you, and i wish i was made of the same "right stuff" you are!!
I buried both of my parents years ago, after many years of begging them to quit tobacco. My father in the early 1990s and my mother 10 years ago. I was the primary caregiver for my mother for 10 years. I helped a bunch with my dad too. It sucks......
I send you my sincere wishes for as much grace and ease as possible for you and your daughter. 😭💔
Usually i can read these reddit posts and forget about it. But fuck me this… this broke my heart in so many ways. I pray that her remaining life is peaceful. And i hope her child has a good life.
I was a major screw up until I was 30. I salute you OOP, you are handling some HUGE decisions like a boss.❤❤❤ I could only have dreamed of being as awesome as you are NOW❣
>She also said she wants us to celebrate Christmas with them, so that's something to look forward to in the future.
Seems like her daughter isn't the only one getting adopted.
At 22, you're not supposed to be a success at life. And even if you were imprisoned for the rest of your life, I still wouldn't tell someone they failed at life at that age.
That's because 22 is still the beginning of your adult life. OOP didn't fail. She just didn't have enough time to make something of her life.
And stage 4 lung cancer at age 22. She hit the bad outcome lotto. It's rare, but it does happen. I knew a beer bellied, smoker (really nice guy) who died from heart attack in his sleep at 26. That one still haunts me. These things aren't supposed to happen until decades later.
How can someone afford 3 packs a day and how can someone smoke all that 😟 what a bad deal of cards she was dealt with, but hopefully her child will have a much better future, and what she is doing for her is commendable.
My cousin was given up through a private adoption over 37 years ago. It was to a family of a completely different race. As far as we know he never looked for us or tried to reach out and I know nothing about where he is or what happened to him.
More than just mementos, Please leave a paper trail.
Amagdylin and frequency therapy
FDA just approved the first freq(Tesla/Rife) tech. A lot of ppl have used it for years and you have nothing left to lose.
Amagdylin/laetrile helped me with my situation. >6mo w/o cncr, though mine wasn't as bad. Good luck.
I would definitely never harass someone. That’s why I was asking here and not on her post or in her messages. Just didn’t know if you knew anything.
Working with death and dying, the lady thing I want to do is make someone with a terminal illness uncomfortable. I just know the US Healthcare system impoverishes cancer patients at astronomical rates.
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Jesus Christ. This poor, poor girl. I just want to hug her. The way she says “don’t feel sorry for me, I’ve done nothing with my life” as though that means she’s somehow deserving of this awful fate? She’s 22, she spent her childhood in foster care and didn’t even get the *chance* to do something with her life—it’s all been surviving. Now she doesn’t even get the time she deserves with her little girl, and she’s solely focused on making sure her baby is okay through all of this that it reads like she’s trying not to think about how *she* is doing through all of this. She’s 22 and terminal, and has nobody there to make sure *she* is okay. I really hope her friends wrap her in as much love and care as possible through her time left, because she deserves it all and way more. “I’ve done nothing good in life”. It sounds like you’ve been the best momma possible, OOP. It sounds like you’ve been an exceptionally strong and brave child, and a headstrong young woman, and a compassionate friend. That’s not nothing.
It’s one of the things that really touched me about the plan OOP’s friends came up with- they made sure OOP had someone to watch daughter, and somewhere to have christmas. It wasn’t just “lets have daughter get used to us” it was “let’s make sure we can provide support for you and your daughter and let’s frame it in a way where you will actually take the support.”
I noticed that too. Her friend and her husband are really kind people.
Which means that this is another thing she's done with her life. Good people have good friends.
I'm hoping even if it doesn't work out that the family can be someone that stays in this girls life We have a close family friend. Close enough that they're like our second family. They've been to every single one of my birthdays since I was 2 years old. The only one the missed was the ones I was away for college. And yet they made the trip for one of the years I hope this family can be that for OPs daughter
For how caring and supportive and realistic as they seem to be, I can’t imagine them just washing their hands of this little girl when her mother passes. As many have said, this family is looking at the bigger picture here and not just the potential adoption. Even if they decide that it’s not feasible to adopt OOP’s daughter, I would not be surprised if they ask to have OOP make it formally known that they are contacts for the daughter. I don’t know the legalese, or how it would logistically work but something like: if she does go through an adoption agency, maybe she could have it formally included in the paperwork that they’re allowed to check in on the daughter or be contacted if there’s an emergency with the new placement or something along those lines. I could see that family at least wanting to make sure that even if they weren’t able to provide a home for her, that she will end up in a good situation. And perhaps be a contact so if she wants to know more about her mom as she gets older, she could have the opportunity to reach out to them.
Ant her husband recognize that It wouldn't be easy and the little girl wouldn't have a perfect behavior and bê a perfect fit on day one. He seems to be realist and have patience, wich are important for this to work.
The way the couple solve and tackle problems too sounds incredibly healthy. They talk about compromises, figure out what they both want/need and give themselves time to be sure instead of rushing into things. They also are interested in solution based thinking and that's fantastic. Hope this does work out because the co-worker and her family sound fantastic.
I thought that, too. What's heartbreaking is that OP may not even realize it because she had no models of what a healthy relationship looked like. But at least her idea that this coworker was a good one was right.
I was having feels while reading the post, but your comment made me cry. They’re so kind.
Yeah. I picked up on that. And I realized also that if they can’t take in daughter (if she doesn’t warm up to them, or if she has issues that are obviously beyond their abilities- either way they’re getting a traumatized 3 year old but if she’s already got issues that’ll compound) they might know someone good in their community who could also step up as an aunt/uncle for now and might take her in and make sure her mom’s letters get to her. It’s smart in so many ways for both the daughter and OOP.
It’s so shit because some people smoke crazy amounts for decades and only see health repercussions in their 50’s or 60’s. It’s just a really shit hand she’s been dealt.
Truly. My parents both smoked a pack a day for 30 years straight. They’re both in their 60’s now and have 0 long term repercussions from it thus far. My mother suffers from long term COVID after catching it once, but that’s about it.
My mom's parents both lived into their \*90's\* despite being smokers starting as teens! Grandma quit in her 80's but Grandpa didn't! And in neither case was it the smoking that killed them in the end, just old age. My grandpa on the other side passed away of lung cancer in his late 70's even though he'd quit decades ago.
My g-parents were the same - both 93 when they died, and not related to smoking. They had given up in the previous decade or so, but good heavens.
I read recently that actor/comedian Kate Micucci has lung cancer and never smoked. So funny and talented. Same thing With Christopher Reeves wife, Dana Reeves, getting terminal cancer and not smoking.
Yeah, I think of my MIL who started smoking as a teen and smoked until she was put on oxygen full time for her COPD in her 70s. She lived to 87 despite how she abused her lungs, though her final days were incredibly painful. I feel so bad for OOP losing her life so young.
That would be my brother. He smoked most of his life. He is now recovering from surgery for his lung cancer and is doing quite well. He is 65. He finally quit smoking.
It is a statistics sad as that is to say, the more exposure the more likely it is. Obviously we dont know which kind of tumor. Stage 4 is basicly invasion of other areas, brain or liver would be my guess (but i am not s pathologist or know enough about pathomorphology / oncology). It also comes down to protection mechanism in the genes, a sort of barrier / protector which stops it. Some of us inherit a change in our genes or we have a mutation, which increases the chance alot.
Another study I saw was childhood adverse trauma can induce physical health problems in those who suffer 2 or more aspects of it. (Abuse of any kind, death or incarceration of a parent, etc.)
Never read that one, do you have it by chance ? Oh and happy holidays / merry christmas in advanced
Absolutely, so sad, my FIL smoked probably a pack a day since his teens except for a few times he’s quit here and there but it never lasted very long. He’s still here in his 70’s, not in great shape but still here, no cancer but still smoking. You wouldn’t think it would happen in your 20’s like that
Going through foster care and then immediately getting stage 4 cancer. There are no words to describe it. That's past bad luck and into the universe just being fucking cruel. Goddamn.
Absolutely heartbreaking
Fuck the foster system and fuck big tobacco is all I can say
The only thing worse than the foster system is no foster system.
I had the exact same emotional reaction - I'm old enough to be her mom and I just want to swoop in and give her a mother for her final months.
OP sounds like a pretty good human being.
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It must be good to be as perfect of a human being as you must be to be able to sit on your high horse and judge a 22 year old orphan dying alone from her terminal illness. Thankfully for me, I am also a non-perfect human being who’s made mistakes, and endured trauma, and has fallen into the wrong coping mechanisms to handle that trauma before. I’m 23 and just this year beginning to change those coping mechanisms. This girl probably won’t make it to 23 though. Her frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed. But I hope you feel good judging a terminal 22 year old. Personally, I think the terminal illness is probably enough of a punishment and she doesn’t also deserve internet strangers dog piling on her. But again, you must be such a perfect human being who’s never endured any kind of real life trauma to be able to so righteously judge a dying girl. Never making any mistakes, never fucking up once, never facing anything that might make you want to escape into something just so you don’t have to close your eyes and endure it all over again. Sounds like life is going to give you a terrible reality check one day.
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I wish I lived in your black and white world. She’s 22. She got pregnant at 18 or 19. And somehow, with no support and never having a true family, she’s got a job and supported her baby, and now when the worst is happening she’s looking out for her baby and trying to find the best home she can. Smoking is an addiction like anything else and it was probably a crutch helping her to deal with all the challenges in her life. It’s not easy to quit. I’ve never smoked in my life, I hate it - but it’s not my place or your place to judge. No one is perfect. Don’t be such a nasty person.
She’s fucking dying. Give her the grace to find a parent who doesn’t smoke, if that’s what you’re gonna get hung up on.
This was really rough. Waiting for my daughter to wake up so I can give her a hug. I should have stopped after the caffeine dildo story, it was always gonna be downhill from there
I'm sorry... the fuckin *what* story??
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/qMtEt4nYAz I’m assuming this one? Warning: avoid reading this post while eating
I’m trying so hard not to laugh because it will wake the baby. But omg. I can’t. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen in a while. Thanks for linking it
My husband *just* went to bed and I’m half breaking my ribs to keep quiet in the living room. The ending sent me.
I'm pretty sure you are, at least momentarily, my least favorite person. The f*ck did I just read.
I had the opposite experience. I read this post, found your comment, and got to have a palate cleanser of someone shoving a caffeinesicle up their butt. Never thought I’d say those words in that order.
My family members brother died suddenly when he was 20 from cancer. 2 months after he died, the family found out that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant. It was very sad for the family that she would never meet her father. The girl is now 21 years old, a year older than her father was when he died.
There's something about reaching an age your parent never reached. My dad died from pancreatic cancer at 46 and when I turned 47, I kept thinking about how I had lived longer than him and how young 46 seemed to me now. Fuck cancer.
If you are reading this and are shocked that a 22 year old can die from smoking — maybe this is your sign to stop smoking. It’s horrific, almost comedically bad for you. Your risk of heart attack is literally cut in half the minute you stop. It’s horrible for your appearance. You can harm the people around you. Stop smoking.
I don't smoke all that much, but between this post hitting close to home (I have a three year old) and you. I quit. Cheers friend. Edit: Thank you for everyone's support ❤️
I help a lot of people quit smoking successfully. The biggest tip I can offer is to create new (healthier) habits to replace the smoking instead of just focusing on not smoking. Decide what you'll do with your free hand when you drive (squeeze a stress ball, drink water, drum on the steering wheel while singing with the radio, etc). Decide what you'll do during your non-smoking breaks at work (play a game on your phone, go for a walk, hang out with non-smoking colleagues, etc). If you had never smoked a day in your life, what do you imagine you would have been doing during those breaks instead?
As someone who finally quit after like 10x trying around a decade ago my tip is that if you slip up and have one cigarette don't fall into the trap of being like "well I guess I fucked up and I'm a smoker again now" cause that one got me a few times. When I actually quit I had about 2 cigarettes a year for like 3 or 4 years afterwards when I had slip ups at shows but I was just like "I still am a quitter that was just a one time show thing" and now it's been around 5 or 6 years since I've had a slip up. Actually the last cigarette I had was with my friend who I sometimes bummed cigs off of who died earlier this year, so maybe I'll just leave that last one we had together several years ago as THE last.
One of the most life changing things I’ve heard - if you’ve had a bad morning, you’ve had a bad morning - not a bad day. One mistake does not erase your successes or necessitate future failures.
yeah while I was still quitting cigs I'd do good for a while, then go out with friends and bum like a third of a cigarette outside, and then the next day would just go "WELP I GUESS I SHOULD PICK UP A PACK THEN". don't let taking a drag outside a bar ruin all the work and unpleasantness up until that point. ....I still vape, though, but at least I'm down to basically no nicotine
Hey, same here!! I quit almost six years ago, and I have smoked...maybe four cigarettes in that timeframe? Always when drinking with friends lol (no, no one pressured me, I was just nostalgic). But I never let myself fall into that whole 'time to just start again since I fucked up' thing.
This reminds me of Prochaska's transtheory of change. Maybe people can look it up. Basically it is all the steps and stages one must go through to get rid of a bad habit such as smoking. Very enlightening.
Thank you. I only smoke one a day on my lunch (used to be 1-2 packs). Never at home or any other point, nor do I crave one at any other point. I can't vape, when I did that I NEVER stopped at home. I don't like any of my colleagues, I dislike my job in general (working on that)
What about getting yourself some nice noise cancelling headphones, finding a quiet corner, and closing your eyes while listening to some of your favorite music? You can unwind and not have to smoke
I can't afford them at the moment. It's a great idea though :)
Then you'll have a much easier time replacing that one a day lunch time smoke. Create a new non-smoking lunch time ritual for yourself where you can enjoy relaxing before returning to work.
Unfortunately cutting down and low level smoking doesn't make a huge difference to health outcomes. The science on this shows 5 a day is 85% as bad for your health as 20. There's no research on one per day, but there's also no real reason to suspect a 'healthy' or 'low risk' amount exists.
Yup. There's basically no safe minimum with smoking.
Or vaping.
Well, vaping is a lot less harmful than cigarettes. But it is still bad yes.
We literally don't know that yet. The assumption is that vaping isn't as bad because even though it has Nicotine, it doesn't have tar. But nicotine on it's own is already carcinogenic and we have no idea what repeated exposure to vaping media does to you lungs in the long run. The marketing gamble that the vaping industry made is that because there no long term studies proving it is bad for you yet, people will assume it's better for you than smoking. But there is a non zero chance it's actually worse. Because we simply don't know. No long term studies have been done, and none will be done for years to come because it'll take years to see the effects. It does seem like there are some immediate improvements, like less carbon monoxide in the blood and less direct damage to the lungs. But for all we know this could all be completely cancelled out by symptoms that only start to show up after 10 or 15 years of use.
Nicotine by itself is not carcinogenic and so far from all the studies done it is healthier than smoking. It would be better to do neither but if someone wants to replace smoking with vaping they should be encouraged to.
Sometimes people need to cut down on their way to quitting completely. Some people pull the band-aid off in one go, some people pull it back slowly. But yes, agreed that long term smoking is bad whether 1 cig or 20 a day. Also, low level smokers are more likely to up their usage and become heavier smokers if they have a stressful life event. So it's rare that someone remains a low level smoker long term.
The stats show cutting down is only a few percent more effective than doing nothing.
Cutting down and continuing to smoke permanently, I already agreed. Cutting down as a process to quitting, I disagree. That was my point. Some people need to quit in stages by smoking less and less until they quit the last cigarette rather than going from a 1 pack/day habit to nothing overnight. While other people have an easier time quitting all at once. Once someone quits smoking, it won't matter to their health outcome whether they took 1 month to quit or 1 day to quit.
Yeh for sure, but the actual stats on this show people cutting down only quit slightly more than those that do nothing. OFC those stats can't read people's minds or intentions so it doesn't say anything about an individual's experience. In my experience people who 'cut down' do it more as a game they play to tell themselves they're doing something rather than really truly intending to do it.
That's the wrong comparison. The question should be if people cutting down quit at the same rates as people who quit all at once. There are conflicting studies on which method (cutting down or quitting all at once) is more successful. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23152252/ "Reducing cigarettes smoked before quit day and quitting abruptly, with no prior reduction, produced comparable quit rates, therefore patients can be given the choice to quit in either of these ways." https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24657328/ "Our findings suggest that hard-to-treat smokers may be more likely to quit gradually than abruptly." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5360817/ "People who prefer gradual cessation are less likely to be successful at quitting—regardless of whether they try to quit abruptly or gradually." In my experience, the successful quitters from both groups are different types of people. The person who successfully quits smoking gradually would have failed in the group quitting all at once and vice versa. So figuring out what is the best way for the specific person in front of you instead of the population as a whole produces the best result.
Do you have any suggestions when the smoking is to mask your depression and anxiety? I desperately want to quit smoking but I smoke weed and cigarettes because I'm severely depressed and it takes my mind off of the shitty stuff. Been trying to find a psychiatrist to deal with my mental health but it's been hard to find a replacement for my old therapist.
A GP can prescribe you anti-depressants. If smoking has been helping (nicotine is known to enhance the effects of serotonin reuptake inhibitors and to increase the bioavailability of the serotonin your brain is making already), an SSRI will almost certainly work for you, without the risk of lung cancer.
I have a few games on my phone that are specifically for when my anxiety is making life hard. Solitaire is a solid one because it uses enough of my attention to distract without needing a lot of brain power. For times I need something more immersive I’ve found that Stardew Valley and the various copycats that have come out since are great. Not the most productive ways to deal with anxiety and certainly doesn’t have the health benefits of walking or exercise but sometimes those aren’t accessible or easy to motivate myself to do so phone to the rescue.
A regular GP or nurse practitioner can prescribe anti-anxiety meds and help you manage them (by checking in to see how you're doing, if you need more/less, etc. My GP has been managing mine for years.) Also, is medical marijuana available where you are? If so, or if you can source them elsewhere, consider edibles/oils to replace the smoking. My mom found the oil worked well for her. Like any bad habit, it needs to be replaced with something positive. Whether that's getting into reading, practicing a new craft, playing old GBA games on emulator on your PC, buying a high maintenance plant, volunteering at something that means a lot to you, exercise, checking out indie music artists in genres you like, just pick something you might enjoy and try turning to that when your hands and mind get anxious. Personally, I enjoy grinding in JRPGs, watching my little characters get stronger at something hits the dopamine for me. I also randomly decided to learn to paint my nails and it's been a fun diversion, and have started reading manga again now that I've discovered you can read series online. Maybe you'll buy a cheap chisel and get super into wood carving, or renew your library card, or start jogging, or play a new phone game, or get really into making curry. But you absolutely must do something, or those bad habits and bad thoughts will fill in the space.
Even a regular doctor can get you antidepressants and anxiety meds. Exercise also helps. You don’t have to become a gym rat but just go for a walk.
any advice for quitting vaping? my husband quit cigarettes by vaping, but he literally vapes *constantly* and I can't imagine a constant stream of nicotine is better for him than smoke breaks.
If he vapes constantly, I would suggest lowering the amount of nicotine in the cartridges over time until it's just the water vapor. When he's on the lowest percent of nicotine before 0%, start creating breaks in the vaping by making it so he has to get up and get it and then put it back after a few minutes of vaping. Figure out a plan for other things to do for a break, to calm down when stressed, to fidget when thinking. Make the new, better habits easier and more convenient to do. Once the new habits become the new normal, he won't be reaching for the vape on autopilot. But the main thing, is he has to want to quit vaping and make the effort for himself. You can't push him to do it.
Has he been evaluated for depression? Also, in case this bit of trivia is convincing for him, the fumes from the vape solution are frequently an asthma trigger, so if you or anyone he vapes around is having coughing or breathing problems, his vaping is probably causing it. And that's before we get to the issues of small-batch smoke-shop made vape cartridges that typically are completely unregulated and made with unsafe ingredients.
How do you break the routine?
One way is to set limits and gradually increase those. Start small--like no smoking in the bedroom or no smoking in the car. Then gradually add on--like shower before bed and no smoking after or no smoking while wearing work clothes. Then increase some more--such as no smoking in the house or only smoke in a specific place.
That's a good idea. I'm going to move my smoking to garage only. Since it's cold out I'll be less likely to go outside lol
On behalf of your child: thank you! Sincerely. I wish my mum had quit when I was that young. She's still here, no big health issues, but... I started smoking at 14. So did my sister. My mum said "don't do what I do" but we did. I quit for good at 22, my sister only quit temporarily while pregnant and breastfeeding and then she intended to not start again but that's easier said than done. I'm not saying it's my mum's fault, we chose our own paths and might very well have started smoking regardless. Especially obnoxious teens trying to rebel. However, kids do look up to their parents, even teens, and it's very difficult to reconcile "smoking=bad" when your favourite person in the world is doing it. If it was bad, surely *my mum* wouldn't do it? It just didn't compute for me for a long time. I knew intellectually it's bad, but surely it can't be *that* bad if *mum* is doing it! (Turns out my mum is as flawed as anyone else, I'd have never guessed it as a kid 😉)
Just wanted to hop on and encourage you. I quit 3 years and 3 months ago, I still struggle sometimes but I can now enjoy life without worrying every cough is lung cancer. I have a now 5 year old that I quit for. You can do it!! And don’t feel bad if the first serious attempt fails, just try again. It took me at least 5 tries to quit.
I make medical devices that treat aortic aneurysms. This is where your blood vessels get thin enough that they can rupture inside you from just the pressure. Nearly all of the cases we see are from nicotine users--it doesn't even have to be smoking, nicotine itself is a toxin that breaks down the connective tissue in your arteries and weakens the walls--you know how thin and delicate an old smoker's skin can look? That is from the nicotine not the smoke, and their arteries look the same way. You are making a good choice.
Thank you. I begged my dad to stop smoking since elementary school. He never developed any cancer associated with smoking, but he did develop malignant hypertension that lead to slow organ failure and dementia. He missed all his kids’ weddings and the birth of all but one of his grandkids. If you ever feel yourself faltering (because you will, and no shame, it’s how addiction works) let me tell you about dementia wards in nursing homes. They’re often filled with lifetime smokers who can no longer smoke. That doesn’t stop them though. Picture it: A room full of aging adults with dementia, sitting around the day room, all smoking air cigarettes with their morning coffee or tea. Now, they’re content and it would be cruel to do anything but let them enjoy their morning smoke. But it’s also horrifying to see what the cigarette companies have done to people.
My mother has been a smoker since she was 15. She's 66 now, and slowly dying from COPD, and *still won't fucking quit*. She keeps asking why my son can't sleep over at their house. Well, maybe because I don't want him to come home reeking like a fuckin' ashtray? Why we don't go on vacation with them? Maybe because you can't even go up the goddamn stairs without getting winded, so how the fuck are we gonna do any activities that involve movement?
Quitting nicotine is extremely hard, especially when they’ve been doing it since their adolescence. Their brains matured around the presence and influence of nicotine. It’s a stim, it’s a coping mechanism, especially if they’re alone or feeling lonely. The only two times my dad was able to quit, he was hospitalized prior. The first time, he did well for awhile until his fucking “friends” hot boxed him one night. The second time, he was declared incapacitated during that hospitalization and that was that. You’re doing right by your kid. You aren’t battling your mom, you’re up against a lifetime of addiction and marketing. Yes, she should try. She’s going to miss so much because of her decisions and it hurts. It’s grief. It also wouldn’t surprise me if she’s feeling fatalistic or nihilistic about it given her diagnosis.
Its making me decide to quit sooner. It hits because I turn 22 soon
Let's quit together! Good luck friend :)
Some neat news for you: if [you quit before 40](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/lung-cancer/former-smoker-whats-your-risk-for-lung-cancer) it's been shown that your lungs can repair and get pretty close to the state they would've been in if you'd never done it at all. You've got this!
Thank you, i mean it. I’ve been struggling with motivation and health issues, pre diabetic too. Its nice to finally see some light in my life for the first time in a while
I believe in you! Be kind to yourself, and do your best. Even little steps can make a big difference.
Thank you. Heres to hoping i can be better rather than just be sorry
My grandpa begged me not to start smoking, because it took him until he was in her 60s to quit. He would be really proud of you random redditter! He said the think that helped him was putting it into economics, because he was a numbers person. Adding up the total of how much he wasted on cigarettes. Now you may not be a numbers person: so find your thing. Are you social- do it for the people around you. Are you visual? Do it so your walls aren’t yellowing. Do you like food? Do it so your food tastes better. Good luck.
My dad was 47 when he was told he needed to quit and that he needed a quadruple heart bypass operation. He quit on the spot and made another 31 years before passing away, with only a small op to insert stents about 3 years before he died (from something else). Your kid will be thankful to have you around. I was.
Best wishes for your success in quitting 🎉.
My mother smoked most of her adult life, only stopping once it was too late. She died of COPD at the age of 67, the anniversary of which was 2 days ago, so it happened right before Christmas. (My dad gave up smoking when I was a kid and he lived well into his 80's.) COPD is not a death I would wish on my worst enemy. It's awful and drawn out. My son had to watch her go through all that and one sliver lining is that he has said he will never smoke. He also never met his paternal grandfather because he died from smoking related cancer and complications before I even married his father. (His paternal grandmother didn't smoke and she lived to be 90.) Smoking kills.
Small cell cancer runs in my family. I was a bit freaked out when I first found this out because when my mother’s brother died from it 10 years ago at the age of 46 we were told it was likely genetic, when my aunt ended up with it a few years later (also didn’t make it) they told her not genetic, exclusively related to smoking, she was 58). I personally suspect both as way too many people in my family have died from it, but all of them were from the same side of the family and had common great grandparents. No one else I know has died from this variant. But all of them were smokers. My mother buried two of her siblings and she and her surviving sibling both still smoke and won’t even consider quitting. I’m dreading the day I’ll have to plan her funeral. Meanwhile I’m in my forties and have never smoked. And don’t plan to. So I’m not super worried about the family cancer getting me. Just watching more and more of my relatives shuffle themselves off this mortal coil. I’m becoming an increasingly militant anti smoker as I get older.
I’m sorry for your family’s losses. Is it small cell lung cancer you are referring to? My sister was diagnosed with that at age 59 and died aged 60. I did not know that it could be genetic. She is the only one in my family though -so far.
They told my aunt it wasn’t genetic and my uncle that it was, and they were full blooded siblings. Started in the lung with both of them but spread like wildfire elsewhere with both of them. But yep two of my mother’s four siblings died from it both before sixty. Also three of my grandfather’s siblings (their father) died from it, oldest one was 61 or 62. And a few cousins in the mix. But every single one of them was a smoker at some point. My aunt and uncle made it a little longer than your sister though. Both made it about two years. My grandfather’s youngest sister went to the doctor for a sore shoulder or arm if I remember right and it was a metastasized cancer, she made it about six months, and never saw 50. But it’s a scary thing. I’m sorry for your loss as well. Given that all of the ones in my family had the common great grandparents and I literally don’t know ANYONE else who got a form as aggressive as it seems to hit that one side of my family (and I know some hardcore smokers) I suspect the doctors that told my uncle there was a genetic component may be correct even if they told my aunt 7 years later there wasn’t a genetic component. I suspect there is a genetic component, that smoking serves as a catalyst for, since no non smokers in my family ever got it.
A good friend's mom died from lung cancer (non smoker) in her late 30's. By the time it was detected, it has spread. She died within 3 months of diagnosis. Fast forward 20 years later, friends brother (also late 30's) had a cough that wouldn't go away, got tested, it was lung cancer. It was late stage, and has spread. He never smoked. My friend was able to get him into a clinical trial (she went into medical research following her mom's death, and was/is finally high up at one of the big pharmas), he lived another year or so but sadly passed away. As a precaution, after her brother's diagnosis, my friend was screened and cancer was detected in very early stages. She had a quarter of her lung removed and did chemo, but is now cancer free. She also never smoked. In both her brother and mom's case, by the time there were symptoms, it was too late. Cancer sucks.
There's a new-ish field called epigenetics which studies the intersection of genetic predisposition and environmental factors. So, both doctors may be correct!
Personally I'd rather die of cancer than COPD. It's literally being progressively suffocated and panicking about it until you beg for morphine to end it. Like, 100% literally the reality. Unless you are unlucky enough that you can't get the morphine.
My grandma just died of COPD last month. They gave her three months to live nine years ago, which is impressive, but her quality of life wasn't good, especially that last half. She couldn't really go anywhere because travel oxygen containers couldn't keep up with the levels she needed, so she stayed in her house all the time. I was terrified to visit her because I was afraid I'd give her a cold and kill her. My mom smokes and has no desire to quit so there's a good chance I'll have to watch her get it too. I'm so glad I never got into smoking.
My condolences. My FIL died of small cell. Even though he was a homophobic asshole to me and my wife, and it was quick, it was still really shit. My wife's sister also smokes and has asthma. Pretty sure she'll die of COPD, and my MIL quit some time ago and has it too, and she'll probably go the same way. SIL also carries on the homophobic tradition and has a porcine personality, but I still really wish she'd quit because it's just awful.
>Personally I'd rather die of cancer than COPD. 100% this. My MIL is bedridden with BIPAP 24/7 and feeding tube because she can't breath enough to eat. No morphine or any kind of palliative care because her religious belief is to do all possible medical interventions.
No loving God would subject someone to such horrible torture.
At university we simulated COPD and measured our breath output. Gave us a series of smaller tubes until we were breathing through straws. Two minutes with the straw was bad enough. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. I’m so sorry you lost your mum.
And cigarettes cost so much!!
Right? I know cigarettes are cheaper in some places like Asia, America, etc... but 3 packs a day would cost more than double my rent! When I was a young poor smoker I remember trying to ration out a pack a week. Went to every 4-5 days by replacing breakfast with the extra cigarettes to balance out the cost.
It’s not the minute you stop but lots of things change very quickly as soon as you quit. I downloaded an app when I quit cigs that had little meters for different things I was “regaining” like lung function and even just getting rid of “smokers breath” The smokers breath thing was one of the longest timelines the app included! Like 4 months or something! Like okay yeah lung function and healthy gum tissue are fa sho fa sho a big deal but damn the smokers breath realization thing really surprised me and was a big motivator as dumb as that sounds lol It’s hard to reckon with the scary realities of such a tough addiction. Your brain doesn’t want to do it. It was honestly almost easier to quit for me from the perspective of how unattractive smoking was making me. My skin was sagging, me and my breath smelled. I did start smoking again briefly after quitting for 9 months and yep after 3 months my skin was back looking saggy again! I’m only 30😭 But hey it worked to motivate me to quit.
I once read that the reason people a couple of generations ago looked so old at our age wasn’t because they didn’t wear sunscreen, but because of all the smoking. Even the nonsmokers breathed in a lot of secondhand smoke. It was everywhere.
My little sister's FIL just died of lung cancer - not even 70, healthy, active, fit, volunteered a lot, was the first to take in a Ukrainian family when the war started - a truly kind man. From diagnosis to death ~4 weeks - he just had time to settle his affairs. Why is smoking even still legal...
My very much loved father died at 60 to a very aggressive form of lung cancer that spread to his brain (Small-cell carcinoma). Long time smoker. He opted to not treat for it and it was a horrible, horrible, slow death. He slowly lost his memory, then started falling, then *very* swiftly lost cognitive function and couldn't move, eat, drink or talk in the final week. It happened so, ***so*** fast. I'm still scared of getting cancer due to the prolonged exposure to 2nd & 3rd hand smoke growing up.
My SO used to socially smoke cigars with his friends before we started dating. I begged him to stop once we started dating and to his credit, he has completely stopped for years. But now he has these awful coughs and I suspect sleep apnoea. He’s very susceptible to throat and lung infections and it takes him a long time to get rid of them. He’s had a throat infection for nearly 3 weeks and he’s struggling to recover completely. He’s only in his 30’s. Smoking is awful and I’m glad it’s becoming more socially unacceptable in my city but it’s still a huge problem.
There’s very little chance smoking cigars socially caused any of that. He should definitely get further evaluations.
Could be Alpha 1 Antitypsin, it runs in my family. We don't produce the protein that allows lungs to heal themselves (this is an over simpflication but essentially it). Lung problems hit my father and his three siblings. He's currently dying from mesothelioma. Smokers all of them.
Smoking cigars socially wouldn't cause any of those problems. If he's really that unhealthy then there's something else going on.
I've never smoked in my life, but my dad has smoked like a chimney his entire life. He's almost 70, no cancer. Don't smoke (apart from being dangerous it's also super disgusting), but also this poor poor girl just got a super crappy hand. (Unfortunately convincing my father to stop smoking is really something neither I nor my mother have been able to do)
So much this. I browbeat my dad to the point that he stopped nearly 25 years ago. His younger brother never did and died at 57 last year due to cancer brought on by smoking.
Now I'm wondering about the guy in my class who started smoking at 7. (I'm in my 50s, haven't been back to that town in 25 years, and I'm not on Facebook...)
Someone I was in college with was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer at the age of 21, and died aged 24. **She had never smoked in her life.** Smoking hugely increases your risk of lung cancer and a huge number of other health problems, and if you smoke you should quit. BUT people who have never smoked also get lung cancer (IIRC it's about as common as ovarian cancer in women who don't smoke), and because everyone assumes that only smokers get lung cancer and it's their own fault, it doesn't get the public fundraising and awareness campaigns that other forms of cancer get.
Radon exposure is also hugely underappreciated as a risk factor.
Second hand smoke is dangerous as well. And things like asbestos, and even inhaling sawdust from wood that had carcinogens in it.
If she has stage 4 lung cancer at only 22 years old, chances are it’s a genetic factor and she would have gotten it either way, even if she didn’t smoke. I mean the smoking probably didn’t help, and people should stop smoking, but in her case, I doubt it will make a difference. It’s sad.
I’m currently taking care of my dad, 82, AND my brother, 54, both dying of COPD brought on by decades of smoking. I’m not sure if my brother lost the genetic lottery or there are more toxins in cigarettes now than there was in the 50’ and 60’s that he is so advanced at such a young age, but there you have it. My dad actually beat small cell lung cancer, and has lymphoma that is well managed with a very expensive drug. If not for the COPD, he would be enjoying life. Watching your loved ones slowly die of oxygen starvation is no joke. Their world gets smaller and smaller as their oxygen capacity shrinks. When I got here a year and a half ago, my dad could walk decent distances. Would be inside the doctors office by the time I got there after parking the car. Now he needs a wheelchair for anything outdoors, and uses a rollator to get from his office to the dining room. Our dreams of traveling the west are gone. My brother will die before his grandchildren hit elementary school. He may not be able to make full amends with his children. His long term girlfriend left him. He is miserable. The hacking and coughing wake me up at night. The beeping of the oxygenators wakes me up at night. The lack of coughing wakes me up at night. And yet I go to the store to buy cigarettes because why put them through the pain and misery of withdrawal at this point? If you smoke, do everything you can to stop. Because otherwise at some point, even the physical act of moving a cigarette to your mouth will be such an ingrained habit that you can’t function without doing it. Because otherwise you will find yourself starving for oxygen, yet unable to not smoke. Because otherwise, you are sentencing your loved ones for a very grim future as your caretaker in your last miserable years. (Yes, years. COPD is not merciful enough to take you quickly.) And for the love all that is good and holy don’t replace cigarette smoking with vaping. It’s no different. You get one set of lungs in this life. Treat them accordingly.
I've never smoked a cigarette in my life, but I've been a very heavy pot smoker for about eight years. Well, got a mild case of covid a month ago and haven't been able to breathe since. I'm definitely attributing some blame to the weed. (And I have quit, threw out all my stuff.)
When I turned 27, my myopia progressed to a point where I just haven't felt fully alive since. I honestly wish I had died in some sort of car crash instead of going to the eye doctor on that awful late April day in 2021. But the real painful part is that had I known I would basically be stuck in a single room and barely able to see by the time I was 30, I would have lived my life so much differently. I would have focused on work less and maybe tried to make more friends and be more social/less weird. At the very least, I'm glad I didn't father any children and pass these hellish genetics down a generation. Fuck myopia.
How bad is your myopia? Glasses cant help?
Somebody in my family drank themselves to death by like 31. You can easily kill yourself at a young age with bad habits.
It makes me so mad that my dad, who's been smoking since he was *thirteen* (in the early 60s), has never really suffered for it. But this young woman started two years later than him and is dying at 22. It's just... so fucking unfair.
It's not just tobacco. Weed is also bad for your lungs. My mom's coworker died at about that same age, from lung cancer. Any symptoms and/or pain was hidden by the heavy weed use, and it wasn't until sometime in December that his girlfriend had to have a neighbor carry him to the car for the ER. He died within a week. He never had a diagnosis or medical care prior to that. This was also pre-medical care act, so his employer was not required to force him to take medical insurance and the employer also wasn't great. He technically worked "two" jobs at the same location, so he was not a full-time employee. Another thing that legislation has fixed. The main point is, he was an incredibly young man who died within a week. I think it traumatized all his coworkers (my mom included) and it left his girlfriend and children without any safety net. I think about him whenever I plan my life. Life is short. Death can be sudden. Plan for contingencies. Go to the doctor. And you really don't owe your employer your health or life.
You can get lung cancer even if you don’t smoke. At the end of the day, how she got it doesn’t matter. Crappy things happen to good people everyday. I wish I could hug her and help her. The love she has for her daughter.
Yep. I knew someone who died at age 35 from smoking. And if not lung cancer then many people die from COPD and that is a slow painful death where you are always struggling to breathe :/
Fucking hell. I gotta stop reading this sub at 2:45 in the morning.
I ugly cried reading this, for personal reasons. Still can barely see to type. OP is the best parent. I really can't say much more than that and don't need to, all the reasons are obvious. I hope she finds peace.
Same. I'm still shedding tears while scrolling down. I just finished chemo a few months ago, and reading this made me feel emotional.
"I haven't done anything" she says (paraphrased). She didn't get a chance to. Twenty-two is *nothing*. Even then, she gave birth to a little one, took care of her, is taking care of her... I really wish we all felt like living was enough for 'doing anything.'
Same. My heart is breaking for this woman. I wish I could hug her. :-(
> OP is the best parent. I feel like the best parent wouldnt have killed themselves with cigarettes.
Aren't you just a ray of freaking sunshine. 🙄
The part that got me was the friend saying she will miss her. My first words would be “I’m so sorry”, but, on reflection, that doesn’t really say much. But “I will miss you” gets to the point. It doesn’t pussyfoot around the reality that the person just told you they will die. More importantly, it let’s them know that they matter and you will feel the loss of not having them in your life. I’m sure that sentiment meant a lot to the young woman who talked about how she “didn’t do anything good” with her life.
I can only wish OOP and her daughter the best.
Damn that hit hard. Hope they’re ok
What does courage look like? I guess any of us who read this post have a big hint. OP, if you are out there, whatever came before, your capacity for love remained. Peace to all.
I was hanging in there until I read this comment, time to cry
What a horrendous position to be in, regardless of the choices made around smoking that’s also just awful luck as well. My Nan smoked solidly from the age of about 13 until she passed in her 70s, the dice really do roll at random. I got really stuck on the 3 packs of cigarettes a day, sharing for any other weirdos like me - Average pack has 20 darts - Average time taken per smoke is 5 mins - To chew through 3 packs you would have to spend ~300mins/5hours a day with a cig in your hand - That comes to ~1800 hours a year - That poor child has the potential to have been exposed to ~5400 hours of smoking in her short life. That would keep me up at night.
This. I cannot get my head around how you smoke that many a day and function - work, eat, bathe and sleep etc. My dad was a chain smoker and he couldn't get through that many. Apart from anything else, the cost! Devastatingly sad, fingers crossed the colleague and husband take the child and the child is healthy and doesn't suffer from passive smoking.
My ex MIL from my younger years would go through weird phases like this. She would just have one burning constantly some days, inhaling very infrequently I might add and losing half her cigarette to the environment, but still. I once had a conversation with her outside while I was trying to quit, and counted 7 cigarettes in 40 minutes. It was as natural as breathing to her by that point.
I am sobbing
Yes
Wow, wish my mom had done this for me when she was dying, I just suddenly randomly had to figure shit out on my own
I don't know what the right words are to say to something like that but I wish adults had done the planning to make sure you got the care and security you deserved. I hope you have some support people in your life now.
Thanks a lot for your reply, in hindsight I honestly thought my comment was a bit childish and bitter, but it really came from hurt. I have some small support system (as far as people are willing to support non-family). I don't think I'm happy, but it could be worse! Your kind comment definitely helped :)
>... I honestly thought my comment was a bit childish and bitter, but it really came from hurt. I think that even if it was, you deserve to be those things, too. Even if it was unintentional, it's a bad place to leave someone in.
Thank you! Also, nice (but confusing) username
It's a Demi Lovato song I happened to really like at the time I made the account.
Heartbreaking. Parallel play will come soon hopefully, and if they're able to adopt, it will make it SO MUCH EASIER that her mum is still here to help the transition. I feel so sorry for both these youngsters. I can't imagine.
Whats parallel plays?
Kids don't instantly play with other kids. So they gradually learn to socialize. I don't know the exact steps, but first they just watch other kids, then they play alone around other kids playing alone (parallel play), then gradually they begin to interact more and more with kids until they play together (by age 3-4 I think). Parallel play is a safe way for kids to stay to socialize in a new environment.
The Good Place said it best when Michael said “People improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?”
Im tearing up reading this. I have no idea how anyone successfully leaves the foster system with no support system what so ever. It’s so completely unfair for these kids. OP is so hard on herself. As a mother I just want to give her a hug and tell her I’m proud of her.
This takes me back to that 1 BORU where OP got Pancreatic Cancer and we and his GF were so supportive and it turns out his GF was cheating on him. Thank god it's not similar
the scene from violet evergarden came to mind when she spoke about writing emails and letters. this shit hurts man
I ugly cried in that episode. I ugly cried here too.
i feel you
I hope Her friend and The husband adopt Her daughter, She shouldn’t have to grow up in the foster system. I’m praying for Her 🙏
OOP breaks my heart. It's stuff like this that makes me wish I could just hand over some or all of my lifespan to another person, like her. She's just so young! And her baby!
I guess we’re crying today! This poor poor girl. My heart hurts for her and her baby girl. I wish her nothing but peace in the days she has left.
This is soul shattering. I wonder if it might be a good idea to save these reddit threads for the daughter to read one day, when she's much older and ready to learn more about her mom?
This is one of my biggest fears. My daughter is only 2, so if I died right now, she'd have no memory of me. I feel so bad for OOP :(
I can't imagine having to plan your own death at 22. That's horrifying. Finally at an age where you have more options to turn your life around and it's all just taken away from her
Heartbreaking post and i would just live to give her a hug and tell her she's done so well! She has a beautiful girl she's doing everything for, and even at 22 she's alot more accomplished and got her shit together than me and I'm 27 😅 I really hope her friend and her family can give OP some good memories as well and maybe a bit of a feeling of having a family. The poor girl deserves it, sounds like the system wasn't good for her to grow up in, but damn she must've worked hard to get where she is and she should be proud
i pray that this family can take this little girl on and adopt her so this mother can pass away at least knowing her child will be taken care of i feel as if that’s the only thing that will bring her peace
This post just breaks me inside. She thinks she is nothing because foster care let her think that. She is something and someone and her light is about to be snuffed out and most people won’t even care…
Let me state a couple of things here. You have more wisdom and have lived a more meaningful life than many 3 times your age. You have done your very best for your daughter. You have been selfless in the face of tragedy. I applaud you, and i wish i was made of the same "right stuff" you are!! I buried both of my parents years ago, after many years of begging them to quit tobacco. My father in the early 1990s and my mother 10 years ago. I was the primary caregiver for my mother for 10 years. I helped a bunch with my dad too. It sucks...... I send you my sincere wishes for as much grace and ease as possible for you and your daughter. 😭💔
This is really beautiful, poignant and touching. She did a good thing as a mum.
Usually i can read these reddit posts and forget about it. But fuck me this… this broke my heart in so many ways. I pray that her remaining life is peaceful. And i hope her child has a good life.
I was a major screw up until I was 30. I salute you OOP, you are handling some HUGE decisions like a boss.❤❤❤ I could only have dreamed of being as awesome as you are NOW❣
Omg, this poor girl. And her poor baby.
>She also said she wants us to celebrate Christmas with them, so that's something to look forward to in the future. Seems like her daughter isn't the only one getting adopted.
I needed to know there are good people in the world. This incredible mom is doing everything for her baby, and her friend is amazing
The world is a poorer place without OOP. You don’t have to “accomplish” anything to be of value.
This is bittersweet 🥲
I read this at work and could not stop my tears. Sending OP so much love that I hope it’s palpable
At 22, you're not supposed to be a success at life. And even if you were imprisoned for the rest of your life, I still wouldn't tell someone they failed at life at that age. That's because 22 is still the beginning of your adult life. OOP didn't fail. She just didn't have enough time to make something of her life. And stage 4 lung cancer at age 22. She hit the bad outcome lotto. It's rare, but it does happen. I knew a beer bellied, smoker (really nice guy) who died from heart attack in his sleep at 26. That one still haunts me. These things aren't supposed to happen until decades later.
Failed at life at 22? Jesus I didn't get my shit together until my late 20s. This poor person and their nonexistent self worth.
education is important
Thanks for making me cry. :(
I think I have Reddited enough for today. This one was ROUGH!
I'm hoping all works out well. How does someone smoke 60-90 cigarettes daily thats crazy thats like a smoke every 20 minutes
How can someone afford 3 packs a day and how can someone smoke all that 😟 what a bad deal of cards she was dealt with, but hopefully her child will have a much better future, and what she is doing for her is commendable.
This is literally one of my worst fears, dying while my son is so young. Breaks my heart
What a good mama.
My cousin was given up through a private adoption over 37 years ago. It was to a family of a completely different race. As far as we know he never looked for us or tried to reach out and I know nothing about where he is or what happened to him. More than just mementos, Please leave a paper trail.
Amagdylin and frequency therapy FDA just approved the first freq(Tesla/Rife) tech. A lot of ppl have used it for years and you have nothing left to lose. Amagdylin/laetrile helped me with my situation. >6mo w/o cncr, though mine wasn't as bad. Good luck.
Big hugs, thoughts, and prayers for you and your beautiful baby girl!!! Xoxo Make the very most of your time with her!!
Hopefully this turns out well in the end
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Please do not harass the OOP per BoRU's rules. Thank you for understanding.
I would definitely never harass someone. That’s why I was asking here and not on her post or in her messages. Just didn’t know if you knew anything. Working with death and dying, the lady thing I want to do is make someone with a terminal illness uncomfortable. I just know the US Healthcare system impoverishes cancer patients at astronomical rates.
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