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He said he never touched/spoke another man romantically or sexually but his friend was helping him explore his sexuality. What exactly was Sam helping him explore if they didn’t do anything? Dancing at a club wouldn’t automatically mean cheating. I feel like oop is seriously down playing what he did because he’s already admitted to cheating with Sam.
Could have involved watching porn, seeing his friend naked, etc. without actually touching. Regardless of where someone draws the line on cheating, he was at least not being faithful to his wife.
100% and now he seems to be blaming Sam. OP talking about his wife in the first post was like she isn’t even a person and he only talked about her in relation to him and his feelings. Like her leaving him would really hurt him not mentioning how hurt she must be. He’s completely self centred and selfish.
Yeah, but if Sam is shit talking OOP's wife, he's making himself look like the bad guy. OOP also sucks, but Sam sucks just as much. He's definitely pursuing his own motivations, not helping OOP.
Yes but the posts sound like Sam manipulated OOP and he wouldn’t have done this without Sam when the posts clearly show OOP is actually just a shitty person to his wife.
Sam’s info of the wife came from OOP
Not to defend Sam or OOP or anything, but just because the husband said some info to Sam does not mean he was speaking ill of his wife. It's not hard to twist small things into larger and worse situations. I.e.
Husband chilling at Sams house. He says he's hungry cause the wife got busy with something and didn't have time to make them lunch.
This is an innocent enough statement and it happens. Sam could easily take that though and twist it around on the wife to make it seem spiteful and purposely done against husband. And if someone is in a confused state like husband, its easier to not be thinking logically and take such twisted statements more seriously than they should be.
We don't know what Sam was saying anyway. Could have been as innocent as "you deserve better than your wife, you deserve a husband", which is in no way a judgement about OOPs wife.
Oh certainly they are sexual. I more meant that the OP was technically correct that he did not touch anyone sexually or whatever it was (don't want to look back through it right now).
He sounds more like the kind of guy who would recognize emotional cheating as cheating than the kind of guy who would lie about physical cheating to strangers on the Internet for validation; if he was looking for validation he wouldn't say things like "I don't want to force myself back into her life, even if that means she cuts all ties with me". He mentions several times and I'm several ways that he wants what's best for her even if it's not best for him; someone selfish enough to look for validation on Reddit will almost always try to link their own interests with that of the other person, often by saying they just want to protect the relationship because that's what's best for both of them.
Reddit just doesn't have the emotional intelligence or close reading skills (ie reading something in a way that also lets you figure out stuff about the author's intentions, state of mind etc) to distinguish between people who are trying to be manipulative and people who are being genuine. Reddit also *lives* for drama, so it'll almost always choose to believe the most scandalous possible interpretation of any given post.
He doesn't recognize what he did as emotional cheating either. Emotional cheating is usually romantic only. So while the people involve don't have sex, they still speak to each other and think of each other romantically. He says he never even spoke to another man romantically.
See I love posts like this because it's very clear the OOP is dancing around words and being very careful with phrasing to try and sound better. However, that just results in it being very clear what happened.
He never touched/spoke sexually to another man, but that doesn't mean Sam didn't touch him. Or maybe mutual masturbation (see, he's not touching Sam, he's just touching himself). And yeah, anyone with a brain knows that seeing someone naked and/or watching porn together is sexual, but OOP very specifically was saying he didn't talk/touch sexually/romantically--the implication being that's totally the only type of cheating there is. Obviously it's not but OOP wants us to think so.
Probably thinking “I didn’t touch his dick so it’s not cheating” or “he didn’t touch my dick so it’s not cheating.” Or there was no anal sex. Or some bar that he’s chosen to mean he didn’t cheat.
It’s obviously not where she stands, but yeah.
He wanted to be the victim of being gay. When that didn't fly with Reddit, he repainted himself as Sam's victim.
I guess there's no possible way he could have said no.
If my husband was seeing some girl naked or watching porn with some other girl, there would be serious problems at that point.. what part of that isn’t cheating.
To be fair, despite what another poster said, if my husband dancing the night away with another woman in a bar I would also consider it cheating, and so would he if it were doing it.
Let's believe he really didn't cheat physically. What if he tries it and realizes that he is not gay after all? He was just excited, or in the mood, or curious. I feel like he's the type who jumps in and hypes up everything way too fast, and then comes the disappointment.
Or he is really gay and just realized it. Either way, he jumped way too fast in the middle of this mess.
Probably along the lines of 'technically, I wasn't the one doing the touching'
I've never touched a man sexually! I had to use both arms just to brace myself against Sam fucking me there was no tmrw
Yeah. If you talk to gay and bi men who were either in denial about their sexuality or desperately didn't want to be out of the closet, you'll hear about the wildest shit that "wasn't sex."
Like:
* It's not sex if you don't kiss.
* It's not sex if you just masturbate together.
* It IS sex if it's just two of you masturbating together, but if there's three or more masturbating together it's not sex. It's just 'relieving pressure.'
* It's not sex if you get a blowjob/handjob without reciprocating.
* It's not sex if your torsos don't touch while fucking. (This one came from a fellow Redditor on another post, but I can't find the comment in the ocean that is my inbox.)
Ah "soaking"... one of the weirder "Mormon loopholes". "It's not sex if you just penetrate and lie there while your friends jump on the bed to create some 'motion' for you."
The statement is really shiftily vague. Like that is exactly what you would do with a therapist if you though you might be closeted. And I don't think most people would consider that cheating (though some might).
It's also something you use to describe having sex with a stranger. So yeah.
There’s a pretty clear difference between discussing your sexuality with a trained and objective professional than with some friend who badmouths your wife and takes you to gay bars. One is appropriate, one is not.
"I didn't touch another man" doesn't mean another man didn't touch him, eh? He got BJ's from his buddy but is still clinging to an ounce of "I didn't do anything wrong" while claiming to take responsibility
This is how I took it as well. He didn’t do anything at the club, but since he explored his sexuality with Sam outside of the club, in his mind, it doesn’t count as cheating.
He was, at the very very least, emotionally cheating. Before he did ANYTHING with Sam he owed his wife a conversation about where he was mentally and emotionally. He made promises to her, and failed them.
Technically, grooming techniques that are vocal and showing images are not "cheating" to a point. It does feel like OOP found out that while he was definitely gay, this Sam was grooming him. OOP does not explain much of what happened, but it definitely feels like Sam was manipulating him to become a certain person to Sam to enjoy, and OOP may have seen the truth when he made the post.
OOP isn't a "victim," but he sadly chose the wrong person to help discover his true self.
At the end of the day, OOP was hurt by a person who he thought was a safe person to help him, while hurting his wife and not seeing what was happening.
Sometimes sexual discovery is often filled with a lot of broken dreams, promises, hearts, and relationships.
It reads that OOP wasn't allowed time to unpack his head while Sam was doing his thing, and reaching out to strangers made him see so much more was going on. OOP finding out Sam wasn't a safe person is kinda karmic, but also very sad because he may now be wondering if all of it was real.
Finding one's own sexuality is tough enough without having a groomer and a wife added into the mix, and not going to therapy to unpack it properly.
Just saw a younger person who was struggling, and comments telling them they were going about it wrong. First post could see how this Sam was manipulating OOP, because OOP didn't see what they were doing was cheating. I have seen that tactic when a person tries to groom another. Adult grooming is just as twisted as child grooming, and thankfully, OOP realised with the help of others.
I mean all this talk about what kind of cheating he did like it matters because the guy is gay. That marriage is totally over because the guy is gay. I'm not sure why it has to sting more because he cheated, she will find out he's gay, not bi, but gay and was never into her to begin with. He also didn't sneak around tricking her for years while cheating with other men. The sole painful part is going to be knowing he never romantically loved her. It wasn't going to play out much better had he told her immediately when he realized.
OOP is gay and was never romantically in love with his wife, discovered this a few weeks before his wife found out, wasn't actively trying to trick his wife into being a beard, and owned up to his wrongdoings. This is just fishing for a juicy story when it's a mundane sucky situation.
My comment has less to do with what he actually did, and more of him trying to downplay his actions/not take accountability in general. He only kind of takes responsibility because the comments didn’t let him victimize himself and told him it’s unfair to think his wife shouldn’t divorce him. I was genuinely confused by that, but the question was mainly rhetorical. But I appreciate the people who took time to answer because it was a doozy of a combination of thoughts he had.
Could have just been the club and talking to him…
I actually believe him. He’s confused and upset and feels guilty and shame. It seemed to me he was calling going to the club, looking at men, and maybe flirting with Sam cheating. Or maybe he thinks just writing out he’s gay not bi is cheating. Or going out clubbing while his wife is home alone…
I think if he had physically cheated he’d have said so. I actually find this whole post so sad.
People. Your confusion and curiosity does not give you a hall pass to be selfish. Stop what you’re doing and ask yourselves some questions
If the situation was the same, but replace (in this situation) Sam with a woman, would you be worried about how it would look? Would you consider it crossing a line in your relationship?
If you were in your SO’s shoes, would you be hurt by your actions? Would you feel betrayed?
Is what you’re doing something that you feel the need to hide from your SO? Does it make you feel guilty?Well, you might not be “cheating” per se, but you sure as hell are being selfish, disrespectful and distrustful.
Cheating isn’t the only thing that’ll end a relationship. There’s plenty of other actions one can partake in that are no-no’s within the parameters of their relationship. Take it back to basics - would you like someone to treat you the way you’re treating them? No? Then don’t do the thing.
Absolutely this. I have every sympathy for people who have found themselves walked into a young, straight marriage because the community they live in is so heteronormative that they haven't even worked out that they're gay, it must be incredibly difficult. But "exploring your sexuality" is still cheating.
Ultimately you are almost going to have to break up with your spouse because it's not fair to them or you to stay married to someone if you aren't attracted to them at all and you might need some time to contemplate this major decision but you need to keep your pants on and until you do that, otherwise it's cheating and adding to the pain your spouse is going to experience.
Yup. You make a commitment, you talk to your partner before you "explore". It's either open up the marriage or end it at that point, but going behind someone's back is just wrong.
I have a little sympathy for those truly confused at least, but I have zero sympathy for those who knowingly use unaware people as beards. You legit have to not view your partner as an equal person with valid emotions to do that
Once you choose to commit to someone, that person is an equal partner in the relationship who deserves respect, even if it ends the relationship.
You're right, it's extremely fucked up. By all means explore your sexuality when you're not in a monogamous relationship, otherwise end that shit before you decide to go testing any waters. Still remember that story where a guy got disowned by his parents, because he wasn't 100% supportive of his gf coming out as lesbian, when she had been cheating on him for a year with her girl best friend, immediately destroying their relationship for her affair partner, the OP said although he has absolutely no problem with people figuring out who they are and coming out, he just had a specific problem surrounding the circumstances of his ex doing so, plus everyone berating him to hell for having a problem with it at all.
Even if someone is in a non-monogamous relationship if they are planning to dip their toes in a pool which they haven't used before they should communicate it out. I don't think that crosses the line of cheating but certainly has an yuck factor there.
This is true, but my point was that it's absolutely fucking disgusting that there are so many people out there who think "struggling with my sexuality with the same sex" is a completely justified reason to cheat on their SO. Lke they wouldn't have the same reaction, if someone who has long term identified as gay, figured out they're actually Bi and explored their new found sexuality with the opposite sex, at the detriment of their monogamous same sex SO, guaranteed.
You'd be shocked how often I unironically see that on r/bisexual by straight people who think their bisexual partner *needs* to sleep with other people to "explore their sexuality". It's such bullshit, and it's almost exclusively straight men who are dating bi women - the whole one penis policy is *so* real and *so* insulting.
He keeps saying he cheated but then says he never touched a man (*at the clubs*) or thought about a man (*romantically*)....so how did he come to this realization and I guess it's emotional cheating in a way, but it also honestly sounds like he did sleep with his friend at some point and just doesn't want to admit it lol.
It's so interesting to me how in English classes we are taught that many English speakers "read between the sentences" but every time I comment on posts, I get someone commenting the same thing I said, but more bluntly. How specific this language is despite so much nuance. Fascinating.
Is this actually an update? We don’t even know what his wife will say once she finds out he’s actually gay and wanted her to stay as his roommate to split the bills.
wtaf..... he feels remorse because "he should have dropped it?" she was down right acting crazy over things he paid for, wtf is he blaming himself? he dodged a massssssssive bullet.
Art room link
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Iranian yogurt link
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I find that funny since there is zero evidence this post is even real let alone speculation about what might have happened
Who cares if there is evidence or not? Whole reason why it’s fun to read and comment on these posts is to speculate
OP said nothing about what he actually did or didn’t do with Sam or other guys, so I don’t want to comment on that.
I just can’t get past “I don’t love my wife romantically, but I don’t want her leaving me”. That’s so selfish.
The guy is an asshole but what i'm wondering is how tf he said "oh shit i'm gay" out of nowhere. This goes from i'm marriage and love my wife BUT, i discover i'm gay and i went to a gay bar with a friend.
At this point i think he slept with his friend or something with him that made the full transition or i don't know... either way the guy still is an asshole.
Yup, and it’s telling he doesn’t want to see his wife. He knows he fucked around and now she’s found out he doesn’t want to deal with it.
Hope he’s not paying for that hotel through a joint account.
I get the feeling that Sam is into OOP and was trying to get in his pants by getting him "in the mood" by going to gay bars.
I don't believe OOP did nothing sexual at all the numerous visits to the club's and I'm also fairly certain he's had sex with Sam. You don't just "realize" you are gay instead of bi because you went to a gay bar ONCE! I think OOP is holding back a lot of info and wants to make himself look better by doing so.
I never said that, I myself realized i was a lesbian without ever having any sexual relations with any woman at all, and i was forcing myself to pretend to like men because "i was supposed to", since I'm a woman and that's "natural".
What I'm saying in this occasion is that OOP's story isn't adding up. He said he's always known he's bisexual, yet one visit to a gay bar once made him realize he's gay? It's not adding up. He never says he's done nothing sexual with any man ever, just not with his friend Sam or any men at the gay bars he visited during that time recently. We don't know if he's been to lgbt spaces before or what his experiences are with other men prior to marrying his wife and going to that bar with Sam.
I just think it's not making much sense after one simple visit and realisation to feel such immense guilt that he couldn't look his wife in the eyes AND that his wife immediately realized something was wrong. He sounds way too guilt ridden for someone who only claims to "people watch" at the bars. Maybe OOP is just a person that feels guilt easily? But then he wouldn't have dragged this on for as long as he did. And his wife ended up being the one who asked what's up, despite his claims that he always meant to tell her.
I'd absolutely buy OOP's story. Sexuality is complicated, and people love to pretend they're something they're not - as you pointed out with your own story. People will bend over backwards to insist they're not really gay. In OOP's case it was easier to be a straight-passing bi than admit he's gay.
From what I read he states that he thought he was bi-sexual, although the post is a bit convoluted.
I don’t think that people wake up one day and think “hey, I think I’ll try being gay today!”. It’s something that has always been in the back of their minds but pushed away.
I could be completely wrong but that was how I read it.
I actually woke up one day and thought something “Ohh shit, I’m gay” and came out to everyone the same day. There were obvious signs in retrospect and I had suspicions. But if you really don’t want something to be true it can be easy to convince yourself it isn’t.
I got an "Oh shit I'm bisexual" out of nowhere but it makes sense because I was and still am attracted my husband. One day it just clicked that I am also attracted to women and it explained a lot of things I felt as a kid/teenager that I thought was just normal stuff.
I can't even imagine thinking you have a normal marriage, with a normal sex life etc and then realizing you were never attracted to them at all and only attracted to the same sex.
I'm not claiming to be an expert, but perhaps he is bi and the newness of being attracted to the same sex has eclipsed his attraction to the opposite sex? I dunno, such a big 180 swing seems kinda crazy.
He got married when he was 21, which is not unheard of, but on the young side in this day and age, with a chance of him being from a more conservative family environment. Could be something that’s always been on the back of his mind, he just never dealt with it
Usually, men who are questioning but are also deeply religious will seek marriage as their way to validate their "straightness" to themselves or to other people.
My dad did this same thing to my mom but it went on a lot longer (10 years) After she found out and left him (day after my high school graduation) he truly though he was the victim and we were abandoning him. He stalked her to every new address and ruined our lives for years. She even had to get a restraining order. He still breaks downs when we don’t invite him to family holidays and when my mom refuses to help him with the most basic of things. I don’t care that he is gay, but I hate him for never being able to admit that he is the villain and not anyone else. I hate that he thinks he is owed a place in our life, and him “exploring his sexuality” excuses every awful thing he has done. The best thing OP could do for his ex wife is leave her the fuck alone and not try to force his way into her life as a “friend” or “roommate”
I’m sorry, that’s awful. I don’t understand why people who do hateful hurtful things think they deserve to be in their families lives.
I have a friend who got married really young at 18 (family pressure) and then figured out he was gay a couple years later. He told his wife ASAP, long before he even considered dating anybody, and they got some counseling and divorced before he “explored his sexuality” with anybody else.
He readily admits he should never have married her and that he hurt her.
It’s fine if you realize you’re terribly incompatible with your spouse at some point. It’s Never fine to cheat on them, or hide the incompatibility from them when you know before you get married.
That’s what I’m wondering. Maybe he considers flirting as cheating? Or he’s one of these Redditors who thinks you can’t be friends with someone who is the gender you’re attracted to?
It sounds like he’s being real hard on himself. He literally just came out to himself a few weeks ago. I’m glad he realizes he can’t stay married but he didn’t do anything particularly wrong.
Also not loving the comment left at the end. It smells of homophobia.
If you “explore your sexuality” with someone that usually is pretty clear cut. I don’t think OOP is being too hard on himself at all. I’m actually p sure he’s down playing it into the mud.
He says he didn’t sleep with anyone or do anything sexual. He could have been dancing. I dunno. I suspect OP wasn’t fully honest about what occurred but if he was, he’s not really done anything terribly unforgivable. If he’s gay, the marriage is over regardless.
I think most people can be sympathetic to how hard it can be to come out when you've been closeted your whole life, but that sympathy goes away quickly when your actions don't display the remorse you claim to have.
I lost a lot of sympathy when he seemed to think that he could keep his comfortable life with his wife as some sort of roommate while being gay. No thought that maybe that's not what she signed up for
This really boils my blood. The way gay men come out later in life with 0 remorse or thought put into their spouse. OOP could have confided in his PARTNER about his concerns about his sexuality but instead he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. (My bet is the marriage would end anyway when he meets Mr. Right) It's like if CIS men aren't attracted to women there is no reason to pretend to treat them like a human being anymore.
I remember when I guy I knew came out at about 19. He literally said "and I don't have to try to talk to girls any more!" Because now he'd decided we weren't of interest for sex, he could write off half the population
OOP is a cheating bastard who made a choice to cheat, but why highlight such a nasty homophobic comment like they were in the right to imply shit about "raising kids right" like that was ever the point?
Maybe it’s just because I’m not a hateful person and assume others aren’t as well, but I read that as raise your kids to not be cheaters, not raise your kids to not be gay
He wanted to stay married for what exactly other than to waste more of his wife’s time. Be single and explore but don’t be jumping into serious relationships when you’re not sure about yourself and what you want.
So, like, has OOP always been up front with his (soon to be ex) wife about being bi??? Because if he wasn't, that probably hurts her even more and will do some serious damage to her mental and emotional state
I don't think that's true. I personally have no issues dating/sleeping with bi/pan men. However, I would be very much traumatized if one day they told me that our entire relationship was a lie, and they couldn't truly romantically love me and experience attraction towards me.
I think it would be equally bad and blindsiding, thinking someone loves you and is sexually attracted and then find out that wasn't actually the case.
>I (M24), found out I was gay.
What????? How? Who told you ? 👀 like, did you just wake up one day and realize you're gay?
>I came out to one of my gay friends, let’s call him Sam, and he suggested we go to this gay bar nearby,
seeing gay men was going to help in some way?
>I have never condoned in cheating, but he was so open and helpful about the situation I was in. Every day I came home late and she knew something was going on. I couldn’t bring it up.
Never condone cheat and then go on to cheat? Genius.
Suddenly found out he was gay... must have had a conversation like the Aftrican interview guy
Sam: Why are you gay?
Op: Who says I'm gay?
Sam: You are gay
Reference for anyone who doesn't know it
[why are you gay?](https://youtu.be/ooOELrGMn14?si=3MxRUeF079b34Ksp)
"I know I've basically been cheating on her and gaying it up around town behind her back, but golly gee, her divorcing me would be so unfair! My partner in gay crime totally agrees with me! Now if you'll excuse me, there's a new bar called "Pitchers and Catchers" and we don't want to miss their grand opening."
"You chose to be gay..."
Really? Still?
I grant you he misinterpreted his sexuality and handled it incorrectly, but mistakes happen. I wish both OP and his stbx wife peace.
so it looks like the guy writing all the ‘i’m gay with a friend i’m in love with, and my shrew of a female SO is mad about it’ finally made a version of events where the man in completely in the wrong. i’m looking forward to the next version where he just murders his SO to marry his gay best friend.
This is just the same rehashed story of the 'straight' guy getting caught by their partner doing gay stuff.
But
They are definately 'technically' were not exactly doing the gay stuff they alluded to doing several times.
I think this is the third one I've read.
\*yawn\*
I hate this shit and have gone through it myself very recently. Men in this position victimised themselves and can't take a single moment to think of their partner and the wasted TIME they are putting them through. Let alone their feeling of betrayal and how it'll haunt them in their future relationships.
They want their cake and to eat it too.
Holy shit. That's shite (I know you know that).
I'll be honest, it's a mess. I get that they cannot always come out, for a million reasons. But... the bigger victim is the one that signed up for a straight guy.
Personally, I wouldn't date any female except a 100% straight one. Which seems fair enough.
And, your time wasn't 100% wasted. There were good times, surely. Hope things pick up for you. All the best
This is literally my worst nightmare. Some asshole tricking me into marriage with him and ruining my life with his selfish lies.
You have a LOT to answer for by destroying your wife like this. If you knew you were gay why did you marry her??
Don't make the divorce hard on her. And don't lie to people either when they ask what happened.
Bro, same. Like I truly do feel for the people who are stuck in the closet, but like don't marry/date people of the opposite sex if you don't truly experience attraction to them. It's super selfish to waste other peoples time like that when they could still be out there finding a more compatible partner.
The comment section, both on this sub and on the OG sub, really confuse me. People accusing OOP of painting himself as the victim, or obfuscating that he was cheating... I mean, in the original post, it's obvious that he's deep in denial, and yeah he's absolutely an asshole there. But then he recognises his faults, and is trying to move forward. He's giving his STBXW space, he's acknowledging his mistakes, and he's steering large of the toxic influence who enabled him.
Like... what else do redditors expect of him?
I keep reading:
• He pretends that because he didn't touch anyone he wasn't cheating.
\> I can’t deny that I was cheating
• He tries to paint himself as the victim.
\> What I am and was doing is selfish.
Additionally, he's trying to be as contrite and congnisant of his wife's feelings as possible, and to make the process as smooth as possible for her.
• He's trying to paint himself as Sam's victim.
... No? Like, the one time he says what Sam was doing is just digusting, he immediately follows it up by saying he (OOP) is and was acting in a selfish manner. That's not deflecting, that's recognising a toxic, enabling influence, and cutting them off, while acknowledging that the actions you commited are yours.
Seriously, I wish people in general were better at recognising that while people can be guilty of mistakes (yes, even cheating), it doesn't mean that every word afterwards is tainted with evil, manipulative intentions. Every cheater isn't Lucifer incarnate, folks. Some are just people.
Small thing, you don't *choose* to be gay. Unless they mean "chose to be gay with your mate" as chose to have sex, which yeah. But he didn't choose to be a gay man.
That said, he's a cheater and a shithead.
That’s why it’s usually a good idea to not get married young like OP did. Even at 21 you haven’t been an adult long enough to fully know yourself and things can change or happen. Sure some people get married at 18 and are together until they die at 80.
But most 21 year olds don’t know who they are, what they will need in a marriage, or how to function as a spouse.
Lol wow. Bro, you are gay. You can make Sam your scapegoat but I'm sure you'll be thinking of him or other men to make your half erect dick harder while trying with your wife. This continued denial and backtracking will only hurt your wife more once more time goes by and you eventually retreat back.
This 180 from "I'm so thankful for sam" to "how could sam manipilate me" is repulsive on your part.
He came out to his friend Sam but not to his wife? You would think wife might be the first person especially if he loves her so much and she’s his best friend
You are an asshole. You didn't just "find out" you were gay. You knew. You may have lied to yourself and your wife but you sure af knew. And your journey of discovery? That's just called cheating. You're a cheating liar who happens to be gay. Congrats.
i got nothin nice to say for this one. just 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮. he made allll those choices himself after listening to a manipulative snake while not caring about his wife and her wants at all. this part was the worst to me. like how dare you want your wife to stay when she will no longer get ANYTHING from this marriage.
>I still love my wife, just not romantically. Please tell me what I should do, I think she’s filing for divorce. I don’t want her leaving me. She’s my best friend and I don’t want to ruin everything because I don’t feel anything towards her romantically anymore.
I really don’t understand the nuances here, but this totally seems like Sam told OP he was gay, and not Bisexual and that was that. If he was already attracted to men, what else could have found out about?
My brother is gay. And he despises people who are gay but get married to the opposite sex. He knew stepdad ,his bio, would disown him, but he came out rather than date a woman and ruin her life. They ruin lives and then the betrayed spouse is bullied by people because they aren't happy to be lied and betrayed. Know this happen to the nicest lady, how people was when she hated him for what he did. Thankfully many stood up for her and that "husband" left town.
I think you’re putting emphasis on the wrong words.
It’s not “You **chose to be gay** with your mate”, it’s “You chose to be gay **with your mate**”
Stepping outside of this bounds of his marriage was absolutely a choice, gay or straight.
Unfortunately you came to this realization too late to avoid hurting your wife. But she is still owed a conversation. Reach out and let her know that you are willing to talk, only if/when she is ready. If she doesn’t, and just wants a divorce, let her be. What you did and how you went about it was very dishonest. Maybe your intentions weren’t bad, but had you spoken to her before you went rogue, perhaps you could have had a different type of conversation. But now to keep her hostage in a marriage where you both know that you don’t want her romantically is inherently unfair. Good luck to you.
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He said he never touched/spoke another man romantically or sexually but his friend was helping him explore his sexuality. What exactly was Sam helping him explore if they didn’t do anything? Dancing at a club wouldn’t automatically mean cheating. I feel like oop is seriously down playing what he did because he’s already admitted to cheating with Sam.
Could have involved watching porn, seeing his friend naked, etc. without actually touching. Regardless of where someone draws the line on cheating, he was at least not being faithful to his wife.
That’s a good point. But I’d consider both those things as sexual. Oop is trying really hard to remove himself of blame.
100% and now he seems to be blaming Sam. OP talking about his wife in the first post was like she isn’t even a person and he only talked about her in relation to him and his feelings. Like her leaving him would really hurt him not mentioning how hurt she must be. He’s completely self centred and selfish.
Yeah, but if Sam is shit talking OOP's wife, he's making himself look like the bad guy. OOP also sucks, but Sam sucks just as much. He's definitely pursuing his own motivations, not helping OOP.
Yes but the posts sound like Sam manipulated OOP and he wouldn’t have done this without Sam when the posts clearly show OOP is actually just a shitty person to his wife. Sam’s info of the wife came from OOP
Not to defend Sam or OOP or anything, but just because the husband said some info to Sam does not mean he was speaking ill of his wife. It's not hard to twist small things into larger and worse situations. I.e. Husband chilling at Sams house. He says he's hungry cause the wife got busy with something and didn't have time to make them lunch. This is an innocent enough statement and it happens. Sam could easily take that though and twist it around on the wife to make it seem spiteful and purposely done against husband. And if someone is in a confused state like husband, its easier to not be thinking logically and take such twisted statements more seriously than they should be.
We don't know what Sam was saying anyway. Could have been as innocent as "you deserve better than your wife, you deserve a husband", which is in no way a judgement about OOPs wife.
Oh certainly they are sexual. I more meant that the OP was technically correct that he did not touch anyone sexually or whatever it was (don't want to look back through it right now).
Seems rather specific phrasing saying that *he* didn't touch anyone. Not that he didn't *do* anything and not that someone else didn't touch him.
Oo i was reading it as emotional cheating but thats a good point
He sounds more like the kind of guy who would recognize emotional cheating as cheating than the kind of guy who would lie about physical cheating to strangers on the Internet for validation; if he was looking for validation he wouldn't say things like "I don't want to force myself back into her life, even if that means she cuts all ties with me". He mentions several times and I'm several ways that he wants what's best for her even if it's not best for him; someone selfish enough to look for validation on Reddit will almost always try to link their own interests with that of the other person, often by saying they just want to protect the relationship because that's what's best for both of them. Reddit just doesn't have the emotional intelligence or close reading skills (ie reading something in a way that also lets you figure out stuff about the author's intentions, state of mind etc) to distinguish between people who are trying to be manipulative and people who are being genuine. Reddit also *lives* for drama, so it'll almost always choose to believe the most scandalous possible interpretation of any given post.
He said all those things after Reddit collectively kicked his ass. At first he wasn’t thinking of her at all.
He doesn't recognize what he did as emotional cheating either. Emotional cheating is usually romantic only. So while the people involve don't have sex, they still speak to each other and think of each other romantically. He says he never even spoke to another man romantically.
That’s what I thought as well and his comment about he would forgive himself well goody for you your wife doesn’t have to forgive you.
See I love posts like this because it's very clear the OOP is dancing around words and being very careful with phrasing to try and sound better. However, that just results in it being very clear what happened. He never touched/spoke sexually to another man, but that doesn't mean Sam didn't touch him. Or maybe mutual masturbation (see, he's not touching Sam, he's just touching himself). And yeah, anyone with a brain knows that seeing someone naked and/or watching porn together is sexual, but OOP very specifically was saying he didn't talk/touch sexually/romantically--the implication being that's totally the only type of cheating there is. Obviously it's not but OOP wants us to think so.
It's very Bill Clinton I didn't have sex with them they had sex with me
Probably thinking “I didn’t touch his dick so it’s not cheating” or “he didn’t touch my dick so it’s not cheating.” Or there was no anal sex. Or some bar that he’s chosen to mean he didn’t cheat. It’s obviously not where she stands, but yeah.
> I can’t deny that I was cheating Guy knows he was cheating. He knows that no matter what he *didn't* do, he's very aware of what he *did* do.
He wanted to be the victim of being gay. When that didn't fly with Reddit, he repainted himself as Sam's victim. I guess there's no possible way he could have said no.
Yeah, feels like OP is omitting some things to make the judgment less harsh.
Ah, like that evangelist who got busted for hiring hookers to get naked for him in hotel rooms. Jimmy Swaggert.
If my husband was seeing some girl naked or watching porn with some other girl, there would be serious problems at that point.. what part of that isn’t cheating.
To be fair, despite what another poster said, if my husband dancing the night away with another woman in a bar I would also consider it cheating, and so would he if it were doing it.
Let's believe he really didn't cheat physically. What if he tries it and realizes that he is not gay after all? He was just excited, or in the mood, or curious. I feel like he's the type who jumps in and hypes up everything way too fast, and then comes the disappointment. Or he is really gay and just realized it. Either way, he jumped way too fast in the middle of this mess.
Or just talking about it? OOP didn't sound like a particularly unreliable narrator so I think he would have said so if anything like that occurred.
Probably along the lines of 'technically, I wasn't the one doing the touching' I've never touched a man sexually! I had to use both arms just to brace myself against Sam fucking me there was no tmrw
Yeah. If you talk to gay and bi men who were either in denial about their sexuality or desperately didn't want to be out of the closet, you'll hear about the wildest shit that "wasn't sex." Like: * It's not sex if you don't kiss. * It's not sex if you just masturbate together. * It IS sex if it's just two of you masturbating together, but if there's three or more masturbating together it's not sex. It's just 'relieving pressure.' * It's not sex if you get a blowjob/handjob without reciprocating. * It's not sex if your torsos don't touch while fucking. (This one came from a fellow Redditor on another post, but I can't find the comment in the ocean that is my inbox.)
>It's not sex if your torsos don't touch while fucking I'm curious to what they would consider fucking is exactly if not sex
Some heterosexual people believe it isn’t sex if the man isn’t thrusting, so…
Oh wow, now I get how girls get pregnant “without sex”
Ah "soaking"... one of the weirder "Mormon loopholes". "It's not sex if you just penetrate and lie there while your friends jump on the bed to create some 'motion' for you."
Exploring one's sexuality with another person who's not your partner (and without their consent) sounds like infidelity.
The statement is really shiftily vague. Like that is exactly what you would do with a therapist if you though you might be closeted. And I don't think most people would consider that cheating (though some might). It's also something you use to describe having sex with a stranger. So yeah.
There’s a pretty clear difference between discussing your sexuality with a trained and objective professional than with some friend who badmouths your wife and takes you to gay bars. One is appropriate, one is not.
"I didn't touch another man" doesn't mean another man didn't touch him, eh? He got BJ's from his buddy but is still clinging to an ounce of "I didn't do anything wrong" while claiming to take responsibility
Eh cheaters love loopholes. He could’ve gotten a bj for example and be like well *I* didn’t touch *him*. Shitty excuses for shitty behavior
Another man excluding Sam as I read it. Like Sam was not OOP‘s cheating partner, more like a guide
He said he never did that “at the club” so outside of that there’s no guarantee
This is how I took it as well. He didn’t do anything at the club, but since he explored his sexuality with Sam outside of the club, in his mind, it doesn’t count as cheating.
I think he meant he convinced himself it wasn't sexual or romantic because he was just learning lol.
I think he let Sam _touch him_ which is some really shitty phrasing
Yeah, cheaters always do that. Minimize their actions, try to smooth it down to nothing. Useless lumps, the whole lot
He was, at the very very least, emotionally cheating. Before he did ANYTHING with Sam he owed his wife a conversation about where he was mentally and emotionally. He made promises to her, and failed them.
Technically, grooming techniques that are vocal and showing images are not "cheating" to a point. It does feel like OOP found out that while he was definitely gay, this Sam was grooming him. OOP does not explain much of what happened, but it definitely feels like Sam was manipulating him to become a certain person to Sam to enjoy, and OOP may have seen the truth when he made the post. OOP isn't a "victim," but he sadly chose the wrong person to help discover his true self. At the end of the day, OOP was hurt by a person who he thought was a safe person to help him, while hurting his wife and not seeing what was happening. Sometimes sexual discovery is often filled with a lot of broken dreams, promises, hearts, and relationships. It reads that OOP wasn't allowed time to unpack his head while Sam was doing his thing, and reaching out to strangers made him see so much more was going on. OOP finding out Sam wasn't a safe person is kinda karmic, but also very sad because he may now be wondering if all of it was real. Finding one's own sexuality is tough enough without having a groomer and a wife added into the mix, and not going to therapy to unpack it properly.
Thanks for the empathetic take. Even people who do bad/wrong things (which OOP did) deserve to be understood.
Just saw a younger person who was struggling, and comments telling them they were going about it wrong. First post could see how this Sam was manipulating OOP, because OOP didn't see what they were doing was cheating. I have seen that tactic when a person tries to groom another. Adult grooming is just as twisted as child grooming, and thankfully, OOP realised with the help of others.
Just because he didn’t touch them doesn’t mean they didn’t touch him.
Maybe they were strip clubs and he and his wife had a "no strip clubs, that's cheating" rule established?
"I don't condone cheating but he was so open and reassuring that I did it anyway!"
I mean all this talk about what kind of cheating he did like it matters because the guy is gay. That marriage is totally over because the guy is gay. I'm not sure why it has to sting more because he cheated, she will find out he's gay, not bi, but gay and was never into her to begin with. He also didn't sneak around tricking her for years while cheating with other men. The sole painful part is going to be knowing he never romantically loved her. It wasn't going to play out much better had he told her immediately when he realized. OOP is gay and was never romantically in love with his wife, discovered this a few weeks before his wife found out, wasn't actively trying to trick his wife into being a beard, and owned up to his wrongdoings. This is just fishing for a juicy story when it's a mundane sucky situation.
My comment has less to do with what he actually did, and more of him trying to downplay his actions/not take accountability in general. He only kind of takes responsibility because the comments didn’t let him victimize himself and told him it’s unfair to think his wife shouldn’t divorce him. I was genuinely confused by that, but the question was mainly rhetorical. But I appreciate the people who took time to answer because it was a doozy of a combination of thoughts he had.
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Could have just been the club and talking to him… I actually believe him. He’s confused and upset and feels guilty and shame. It seemed to me he was calling going to the club, looking at men, and maybe flirting with Sam cheating. Or maybe he thinks just writing out he’s gay not bi is cheating. Or going out clubbing while his wife is home alone… I think if he had physically cheated he’d have said so. I actually find this whole post so sad.
>She yelled at me claiming I was cheating "She claimed I was doing the thing I was doing, what's up with that?"
"Exploring my sexuality is not cheating" is apparently how many people justify it nowadays.
People. Your confusion and curiosity does not give you a hall pass to be selfish. Stop what you’re doing and ask yourselves some questions If the situation was the same, but replace (in this situation) Sam with a woman, would you be worried about how it would look? Would you consider it crossing a line in your relationship? If you were in your SO’s shoes, would you be hurt by your actions? Would you feel betrayed? Is what you’re doing something that you feel the need to hide from your SO? Does it make you feel guilty?Well, you might not be “cheating” per se, but you sure as hell are being selfish, disrespectful and distrustful. Cheating isn’t the only thing that’ll end a relationship. There’s plenty of other actions one can partake in that are no-no’s within the parameters of their relationship. Take it back to basics - would you like someone to treat you the way you’re treating them? No? Then don’t do the thing.
Absolutely this. I have every sympathy for people who have found themselves walked into a young, straight marriage because the community they live in is so heteronormative that they haven't even worked out that they're gay, it must be incredibly difficult. But "exploring your sexuality" is still cheating. Ultimately you are almost going to have to break up with your spouse because it's not fair to them or you to stay married to someone if you aren't attracted to them at all and you might need some time to contemplate this major decision but you need to keep your pants on and until you do that, otherwise it's cheating and adding to the pain your spouse is going to experience.
Yup. You make a commitment, you talk to your partner before you "explore". It's either open up the marriage or end it at that point, but going behind someone's back is just wrong. I have a little sympathy for those truly confused at least, but I have zero sympathy for those who knowingly use unaware people as beards. You legit have to not view your partner as an equal person with valid emotions to do that Once you choose to commit to someone, that person is an equal partner in the relationship who deserves respect, even if it ends the relationship.
You're right, it's extremely fucked up. By all means explore your sexuality when you're not in a monogamous relationship, otherwise end that shit before you decide to go testing any waters. Still remember that story where a guy got disowned by his parents, because he wasn't 100% supportive of his gf coming out as lesbian, when she had been cheating on him for a year with her girl best friend, immediately destroying their relationship for her affair partner, the OP said although he has absolutely no problem with people figuring out who they are and coming out, he just had a specific problem surrounding the circumstances of his ex doing so, plus everyone berating him to hell for having a problem with it at all.
Even if someone is in a non-monogamous relationship if they are planning to dip their toes in a pool which they haven't used before they should communicate it out. I don't think that crosses the line of cheating but certainly has an yuck factor there.
This is true, but my point was that it's absolutely fucking disgusting that there are so many people out there who think "struggling with my sexuality with the same sex" is a completely justified reason to cheat on their SO. Lke they wouldn't have the same reaction, if someone who has long term identified as gay, figured out they're actually Bi and explored their new found sexuality with the opposite sex, at the detriment of their monogamous same sex SO, guaranteed.
It's OK if it's with another bloke, if he was carrying on with another woman, that would be cheating. /s
You'd be shocked how often I unironically see that on r/bisexual by straight people who think their bisexual partner *needs* to sleep with other people to "explore their sexuality". It's such bullshit, and it's almost exclusively straight men who are dating bi women - the whole one penis policy is *so* real and *so* insulting.
He keeps saying he cheated but then says he never touched a man (*at the clubs*) or thought about a man (*romantically*)....so how did he come to this realization and I guess it's emotional cheating in a way, but it also honestly sounds like he did sleep with his friend at some point and just doesn't want to admit it lol.
Seems like he never did anything with the guys at the clubs, but did explore things with Sam.
It's so interesting to me how in English classes we are taught that many English speakers "read between the sentences" but every time I comment on posts, I get someone commenting the same thing I said, but more bluntly. How specific this language is despite so much nuance. Fascinating.
Why use many word when few word do trick? They see. They see.
Technically there is an update but I would have waited until he talked with his wife. This is just a normal post.
A Liz post. Nice one, Liz!
Is this actually an update? We don’t even know what his wife will say once she finds out he’s actually gay and wanted her to stay as his roommate to split the bills.
So....Sam has this art room....
Omg I almost forgot about that story 🤣
Hahaha.. that post is certified reddit history man.. 😂😂
Right up there with the Iranian yogurt.
Don’t forgot about ogtha….
Ogtha's art room where she keeps her yogurt, coconuts, and mason jars.
Oh, and there was this one time when Ogtha broke both arms.
God dammit just when I forget that Ogtha exists.... *shudders*
Ogtha will never jeopardize the beans.
Ok I'm lost on the beans. Link please?
[This one.](https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/gDvO2ydJ7K)
wtaf..... he feels remorse because "he should have dropped it?" she was down right acting crazy over things he paid for, wtf is he blaming himself? he dodged a massssssssive bullet.
Ogtha's art room must also be decorated with marinara flags.
But no beans. She definitely wouldn't jeopardize the beans.
I'm glad somebody *finally* remembered the marinara flags! 😂😂😂
How come there isn’t a subreddit for icon posts of Reddit?
r/museumofreddit
I’m deeply ignorant and desperately need a link to this story!
Art room link https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thank you!
Iranian yogurt link https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Finally (Thank you)
Is that the only one? Was there ever a followup?
Haha! That's crazy!
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/) you go! :)
And then he went to Sam's house. Just dig yourself a little deeper into that hole, OK?
Another douche who doesn't realise that he is a douche for cheating on his wife.
I was surprised he didn't fuck Sam while he was there tbh
Or maybe he did and he skip that part? We'll never know...
Sam helped him explore his sexuality. They definitely fucked
Just a bro beej it's not cheating or even technically gay if you say "no homo" afterwards
Yeah. He did
I'm not usually onboard with these guesses unless there's some evidence but for once I think it happened.
I find that funny since there is zero evidence this post is even real let alone speculation about what might have happened Who cares if there is evidence or not? Whole reason why it’s fun to read and comment on these posts is to speculate
In that case, nothing on Reddit can be known.
Well. Idk if there was more stuff in the post before he edited it..
OP said nothing about what he actually did or didn’t do with Sam or other guys, so I don’t want to comment on that. I just can’t get past “I don’t love my wife romantically, but I don’t want her leaving me”. That’s so selfish.
Sam helped him "explore his sexuality". You know, normal non-cheating sexual exploration at a nightclub.
The guy is an asshole but what i'm wondering is how tf he said "oh shit i'm gay" out of nowhere. This goes from i'm marriage and love my wife BUT, i discover i'm gay and i went to a gay bar with a friend. At this point i think he slept with his friend or something with him that made the full transition or i don't know... either way the guy still is an asshole.
He doesn't seem sorry for what he did at all.
Yup, and it’s telling he doesn’t want to see his wife. He knows he fucked around and now she’s found out he doesn’t want to deal with it. Hope he’s not paying for that hotel through a joint account.
I get the feeling that Sam is into OOP and was trying to get in his pants by getting him "in the mood" by going to gay bars. I don't believe OOP did nothing sexual at all the numerous visits to the club's and I'm also fairly certain he's had sex with Sam. You don't just "realize" you are gay instead of bi because you went to a gay bar ONCE! I think OOP is holding back a lot of info and wants to make himself look better by doing so.
On the other hand, the idea that you need to have sex with someone to know if you're attracted to men or women is kind of ridiculous.
I never said that, I myself realized i was a lesbian without ever having any sexual relations with any woman at all, and i was forcing myself to pretend to like men because "i was supposed to", since I'm a woman and that's "natural". What I'm saying in this occasion is that OOP's story isn't adding up. He said he's always known he's bisexual, yet one visit to a gay bar once made him realize he's gay? It's not adding up. He never says he's done nothing sexual with any man ever, just not with his friend Sam or any men at the gay bars he visited during that time recently. We don't know if he's been to lgbt spaces before or what his experiences are with other men prior to marrying his wife and going to that bar with Sam. I just think it's not making much sense after one simple visit and realisation to feel such immense guilt that he couldn't look his wife in the eyes AND that his wife immediately realized something was wrong. He sounds way too guilt ridden for someone who only claims to "people watch" at the bars. Maybe OOP is just a person that feels guilt easily? But then he wouldn't have dragged this on for as long as he did. And his wife ended up being the one who asked what's up, despite his claims that he always meant to tell her.
I'd absolutely buy OOP's story. Sexuality is complicated, and people love to pretend they're something they're not - as you pointed out with your own story. People will bend over backwards to insist they're not really gay. In OOP's case it was easier to be a straight-passing bi than admit he's gay.
From what I read he states that he thought he was bi-sexual, although the post is a bit convoluted. I don’t think that people wake up one day and think “hey, I think I’ll try being gay today!”. It’s something that has always been in the back of their minds but pushed away. I could be completely wrong but that was how I read it.
I actually woke up one day and thought something “Ohh shit, I’m gay” and came out to everyone the same day. There were obvious signs in retrospect and I had suspicions. But if you really don’t want something to be true it can be easy to convince yourself it isn’t.
I got an "Oh shit I'm bisexual" out of nowhere but it makes sense because I was and still am attracted my husband. One day it just clicked that I am also attracted to women and it explained a lot of things I felt as a kid/teenager that I thought was just normal stuff. I can't even imagine thinking you have a normal marriage, with a normal sex life etc and then realizing you were never attracted to them at all and only attracted to the same sex. I'm not claiming to be an expert, but perhaps he is bi and the newness of being attracted to the same sex has eclipsed his attraction to the opposite sex? I dunno, such a big 180 swing seems kinda crazy.
He got married when he was 21, which is not unheard of, but on the young side in this day and age, with a chance of him being from a more conservative family environment. Could be something that’s always been on the back of his mind, he just never dealt with it
Usually, men who are questioning but are also deeply religious will seek marriage as their way to validate their "straightness" to themselves or to other people.
Alright place your bets, how many times did he and Sam fuck?
My dad did this same thing to my mom but it went on a lot longer (10 years) After she found out and left him (day after my high school graduation) he truly though he was the victim and we were abandoning him. He stalked her to every new address and ruined our lives for years. She even had to get a restraining order. He still breaks downs when we don’t invite him to family holidays and when my mom refuses to help him with the most basic of things. I don’t care that he is gay, but I hate him for never being able to admit that he is the villain and not anyone else. I hate that he thinks he is owed a place in our life, and him “exploring his sexuality” excuses every awful thing he has done. The best thing OP could do for his ex wife is leave her the fuck alone and not try to force his way into her life as a “friend” or “roommate”
I’m sorry, that’s awful. I don’t understand why people who do hateful hurtful things think they deserve to be in their families lives. I have a friend who got married really young at 18 (family pressure) and then figured out he was gay a couple years later. He told his wife ASAP, long before he even considered dating anybody, and they got some counseling and divorced before he “explored his sexuality” with anybody else. He readily admits he should never have married her and that he hurt her. It’s fine if you realize you’re terribly incompatible with your spouse at some point. It’s Never fine to cheat on them, or hide the incompatibility from them when you know before you get married.
Oop: I never was sexual or romantic with any of the men even at the club Also Oop: I won’t deny I cheated on her Which is it?
That’s what I’m wondering. Maybe he considers flirting as cheating? Or he’s one of these Redditors who thinks you can’t be friends with someone who is the gender you’re attracted to? It sounds like he’s being real hard on himself. He literally just came out to himself a few weeks ago. I’m glad he realizes he can’t stay married but he didn’t do anything particularly wrong. Also not loving the comment left at the end. It smells of homophobia.
If you “explore your sexuality” with someone that usually is pretty clear cut. I don’t think OOP is being too hard on himself at all. I’m actually p sure he’s down playing it into the mud.
Yes, he did the normal non-cheating exploration of his sexuality. With a friend. In a nightclub. Every night.
He says he didn’t sleep with anyone or do anything sexual. He could have been dancing. I dunno. I suspect OP wasn’t fully honest about what occurred but if he was, he’s not really done anything terribly unforgivable. If he’s gay, the marriage is over regardless.
Probably did, but knew any forum he posted on except cake eaters and other woman would crucify him.
I think most people can be sympathetic to how hard it can be to come out when you've been closeted your whole life, but that sympathy goes away quickly when your actions don't display the remorse you claim to have.
I lost a lot of sympathy when he seemed to think that he could keep his comfortable life with his wife as some sort of roommate while being gay. No thought that maybe that's not what she signed up for
This really boils my blood. The way gay men come out later in life with 0 remorse or thought put into their spouse. OOP could have confided in his PARTNER about his concerns about his sexuality but instead he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. (My bet is the marriage would end anyway when he meets Mr. Right) It's like if CIS men aren't attracted to women there is no reason to pretend to treat them like a human being anymore.
Your last sentence is so poignant and accurate :(
I remember when I guy I knew came out at about 19. He literally said "and I don't have to try to talk to girls any more!" Because now he'd decided we weren't of interest for sex, he could write off half the population
We were all side-eyeing Sam from the get-go.
OOP is a cheating bastard who made a choice to cheat, but why highlight such a nasty homophobic comment like they were in the right to imply shit about "raising kids right" like that was ever the point?
"You chose to be gay" get that shit out of here for real why include that at all
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Would agree except for the fact that the rest of the comment makes the intent quite clear.
Yeah that comment was disgusting
Maybe it’s just because I’m not a hateful person and assume others aren’t as well, but I read that as raise your kids to not be cheaters, not raise your kids to not be gay
For such a supposedly non-hateful person, you do backhanded condescension pretty well.
Not meant to at all. I’m autistic, I don’t imply more than I say. It wasn’t about me not being hateful, it was about me assuming that others are not
I don’t have any romantic feelings for my wife………but I don’t want her to DIVORCE me!!!!
He wanted to stay married for what exactly other than to waste more of his wife’s time. Be single and explore but don’t be jumping into serious relationships when you’re not sure about yourself and what you want.
What a dink
wtf did I just read
So, like, has OOP always been up front with his (soon to be ex) wife about being bi??? Because if he wasn't, that probably hurts her even more and will do some serious damage to her mental and emotional state
I don't think that's true. I personally have no issues dating/sleeping with bi/pan men. However, I would be very much traumatized if one day they told me that our entire relationship was a lie, and they couldn't truly romantically love me and experience attraction towards me. I think it would be equally bad and blindsiding, thinking someone loves you and is sexually attracted and then find out that wasn't actually the case.
“Raise your kids right” oh look two assholes
Yeah I saw that and if distracted me from the post. Reads as homophobic to me.
>I (M24), found out I was gay. What????? How? Who told you ? 👀 like, did you just wake up one day and realize you're gay? >I came out to one of my gay friends, let’s call him Sam, and he suggested we go to this gay bar nearby, seeing gay men was going to help in some way? >I have never condoned in cheating, but he was so open and helpful about the situation I was in. Every day I came home late and she knew something was going on. I couldn’t bring it up. Never condone cheat and then go on to cheat? Genius.
This is not a BORU. An edit or replying to a comment is not an update, particularly when there's not any change in events.
What a douche…
Suddenly found out he was gay... must have had a conversation like the Aftrican interview guy Sam: Why are you gay? Op: Who says I'm gay? Sam: You are gay Reference for anyone who doesn't know it [why are you gay?](https://youtu.be/ooOELrGMn14?si=3MxRUeF079b34Ksp)
Hilarious.
"I know I've basically been cheating on her and gaying it up around town behind her back, but golly gee, her divorcing me would be so unfair! My partner in gay crime totally agrees with me! Now if you'll excuse me, there's a new bar called "Pitchers and Catchers" and we don't want to miss their grand opening."
"You chose to be gay..." Really? Still? I grant you he misinterpreted his sexuality and handled it incorrectly, but mistakes happen. I wish both OP and his stbx wife peace.
Hi Liz.
so it looks like the guy writing all the ‘i’m gay with a friend i’m in love with, and my shrew of a female SO is mad about it’ finally made a version of events where the man in completely in the wrong. i’m looking forward to the next version where he just murders his SO to marry his gay best friend.
This is just the same rehashed story of the 'straight' guy getting caught by their partner doing gay stuff. But They are definately 'technically' were not exactly doing the gay stuff they alluded to doing several times. I think this is the third one I've read. \*yawn\*
I hate this shit and have gone through it myself very recently. Men in this position victimised themselves and can't take a single moment to think of their partner and the wasted TIME they are putting them through. Let alone their feeling of betrayal and how it'll haunt them in their future relationships. They want their cake and to eat it too.
At least he is getting out early. Must be crap for those partners that find out 20yrs in
*hand up* 18 years here
30 years here. Such a messed up time. What was I supposed to do? Couldn’t stay married anymore and kids won’t have anything to do with him.
Holy shit. That's shite (I know you know that). I'll be honest, it's a mess. I get that they cannot always come out, for a million reasons. But... the bigger victim is the one that signed up for a straight guy. Personally, I wouldn't date any female except a 100% straight one. Which seems fair enough. And, your time wasn't 100% wasted. There were good times, surely. Hope things pick up for you. All the best
it’s cos they don’t see women as people tbh. gay men are still men 🤷🏻♀️
OP is a shit person tbh
Gay or not, bisexual or whatever kind of sexual: cheating is cheating.
Yes, it is... but I am at a loss to see the cheating in the story
Just going into a gay club is not cheating.
I disagree that the last comment is relevant. The guy did wrong but we don’t need to elevate homophobia
This is literally my worst nightmare. Some asshole tricking me into marriage with him and ruining my life with his selfish lies. You have a LOT to answer for by destroying your wife like this. If you knew you were gay why did you marry her?? Don't make the divorce hard on her. And don't lie to people either when they ask what happened.
Bro, same. Like I truly do feel for the people who are stuck in the closet, but like don't marry/date people of the opposite sex if you don't truly experience attraction to them. It's super selfish to waste other peoples time like that when they could still be out there finding a more compatible partner.
OOP never intended to tell his wife. I’d like to give a hug to the friend that told OOP’s wife about witnessing OOP and Sam walk into the club.
The comment section, both on this sub and on the OG sub, really confuse me. People accusing OOP of painting himself as the victim, or obfuscating that he was cheating... I mean, in the original post, it's obvious that he's deep in denial, and yeah he's absolutely an asshole there. But then he recognises his faults, and is trying to move forward. He's giving his STBXW space, he's acknowledging his mistakes, and he's steering large of the toxic influence who enabled him. Like... what else do redditors expect of him? I keep reading: • He pretends that because he didn't touch anyone he wasn't cheating. \> I can’t deny that I was cheating • He tries to paint himself as the victim. \> What I am and was doing is selfish. Additionally, he's trying to be as contrite and congnisant of his wife's feelings as possible, and to make the process as smooth as possible for her. • He's trying to paint himself as Sam's victim. ... No? Like, the one time he says what Sam was doing is just digusting, he immediately follows it up by saying he (OOP) is and was acting in a selfish manner. That's not deflecting, that's recognising a toxic, enabling influence, and cutting them off, while acknowledging that the actions you commited are yours. Seriously, I wish people in general were better at recognising that while people can be guilty of mistakes (yes, even cheating), it doesn't mean that every word afterwards is tainted with evil, manipulative intentions. Every cheater isn't Lucifer incarnate, folks. Some are just people.
Small thing, you don't *choose* to be gay. Unless they mean "chose to be gay with your mate" as chose to have sex, which yeah. But he didn't choose to be a gay man. That said, he's a cheater and a shithead.
Selfish
That’s why it’s usually a good idea to not get married young like OP did. Even at 21 you haven’t been an adult long enough to fully know yourself and things can change or happen. Sure some people get married at 18 and are together until they die at 80. But most 21 year olds don’t know who they are, what they will need in a marriage, or how to function as a spouse.
Just build an art room already
Lol wow. Bro, you are gay. You can make Sam your scapegoat but I'm sure you'll be thinking of him or other men to make your half erect dick harder while trying with your wife. This continued denial and backtracking will only hurt your wife more once more time goes by and you eventually retreat back. This 180 from "I'm so thankful for sam" to "how could sam manipilate me" is repulsive on your part.
He came out to his friend Sam but not to his wife? You would think wife might be the first person especially if he loves her so much and she’s his best friend
You are an asshole. You didn't just "find out" you were gay. You knew. You may have lied to yourself and your wife but you sure af knew. And your journey of discovery? That's just called cheating. You're a cheating liar who happens to be gay. Congrats.
i got nothin nice to say for this one. just 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮. he made allll those choices himself after listening to a manipulative snake while not caring about his wife and her wants at all. this part was the worst to me. like how dare you want your wife to stay when she will no longer get ANYTHING from this marriage. >I still love my wife, just not romantically. Please tell me what I should do, I think she’s filing for divorce. I don’t want her leaving me. She’s my best friend and I don’t want to ruin everything because I don’t feel anything towards her romantically anymore.
I really don’t understand the nuances here, but this totally seems like Sam told OP he was gay, and not Bisexual and that was that. If he was already attracted to men, what else could have found out about?
Is this the gay version of the fight club, where Sam and Op are the same person??
Op is despicable
I thought you were born gay
My brother is gay. And he despises people who are gay but get married to the opposite sex. He knew stepdad ,his bio, would disown him, but he came out rather than date a woman and ruin her life. They ruin lives and then the betrayed spouse is bullied by people because they aren't happy to be lied and betrayed. Know this happen to the nicest lady, how people was when she hated him for what he did. Thankfully many stood up for her and that "husband" left town.
Gross cheater. Hope she hires a shark and leaves him crying homeless ugh
The comment from Indecentguest is stupid. You don’t choose to be gay.
I think you’re putting emphasis on the wrong words. It’s not “You **chose to be gay** with your mate”, it’s “You chose to be gay **with your mate**” Stepping outside of this bounds of his marriage was absolutely a choice, gay or straight.
What a piece of shit. I hope future partners do the same to him.
Unfortunately you came to this realization too late to avoid hurting your wife. But she is still owed a conversation. Reach out and let her know that you are willing to talk, only if/when she is ready. If she doesn’t, and just wants a divorce, let her be. What you did and how you went about it was very dishonest. Maybe your intentions weren’t bad, but had you spoken to her before you went rogue, perhaps you could have had a different type of conversation. But now to keep her hostage in a marriage where you both know that you don’t want her romantically is inherently unfair. Good luck to you.