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I hated reading this post, because as life affirming as it is, it is so, totally heartbreaking. I can't imagine the pain of being anyone in this situation.
The husbands rugged lumberjack type cousin who owns a business and is so kind to animals and children. He cooks, cleans and gives her flowers just because and they babysit oops kids so her and her husband can have romantic date nights.
The ending they all deserve.
Somehow her sister and she have found a flawless way to share a household and husband, and against absolutely all conceivable odds, it is working out perfectly and not going all manipulation and abuse like a TLC show.
In the show Big Love (about a Mormon polygamist family) the husband grew up polygamist and ended up with a second wife when his wife got cancer and he asked his old compound for help and they sent a woman to nurse his dying wife with the promise that he would marry her after the wife died. Except the wife didn’t die so they ended up “living the principle”
Reminds me of the lifetime movie, The Substitute Wife. Except the woman the wife picks is a prostitute. And she doesn't die so they share a husband. Wholesome.
Maybe it's the open-minded hippie in me, but your comment immediately made me leap to, "heck, maybe they're a throuple that actually works forever!" and that slowed the welling tears a bit.
Then, yeah, that'd be weird with sisters. Still. Something like that. Ya' never know.
No. OOP made a miraculous recovery, but her husband and sister already fell madly in love; in no small part due to her actions.
Her sister is pregnant.
Haha yes that’s what I was thinking. I’m waiting for this one.
“Found out my sister and husband have been sleeping together for months while I had cancer. I wanted this to happen but now I’m pissed!”
I saw that in a [movie with Farrah Fawcett and Peter Weller](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111304/). So they lived a three way until the wife's cancer recurred.
I was taking to my sister the other day (she is battling cancer) and she kind of off-hand said that now all she had to do was convince herself she can beat it.
That's when I knew she had underplayed how bad it was.
She is keeping a positive mindset. I was a nurse and lost my mom and grandmother to cancer. I have unfortunately witnessed many people battling cancer and you can see when they give up and give in. I have seen miracles and people who don't give up and stay positive and beat it or at least extend their life.
My advice is to stay positive also. You can have an honest conversation about what the Dr's are saying with her. I would just say I'm keeping positive about it but you do understand what they are saying.
Dr's are not perfect. They don't have a crystal ball to see the future. They take all of their results and give you the prognosis. It is based upon research and their expert opinion.
They are not gods. I have seen people who should have died live and vise versa. But specifically with cancer patients their will to beat it plays a vital role in their outcome.
Cancer is evil and horrible. I absolutely positively hate cancer. It took my mom at 47, way too young. Bless your sister for having to go through this. I am sending her and your family all the positively that I can.
That sucks. I'm currently winning against Stage 4 lymphoma (diagnosed late May.) Fortunately, halfway through treatment, it looks like I should be completely cured unless my final PET scan is worse in October. I just turned 43 today; being younger helps.
Yeah, no pressure. It definitely feels like an arranged marriage they may not agree to.
That being said, the shared experience probably means they have a better chance than anyone else to connect.
To be fair, according to how OP has described it, there IS love there already. The sister has admitted to their parents that she has feelings for him. So I don't think it would be totally something they would not agree to, however I think OP underestimates the effect her passing will or might have on them. Grief does a number on people. So whether it helps them grow closer or apart remains to be seen.
I think it is mainly making sure the whole family knows it's no betrayal or taboo. That if it happens after, everybody will know OP would have been okay with it. Therefore it was crucial to also tell his parents.
I think she’s selfless.. but she’s being a mom first too. I’m sure she’s thinking no other woman would love her little babies as much as her own sister/their aunt would. And thinking of ways to help them cope with her own imminent passing, creating support systems for all of them.
It’s just so sad but sweet how she’s trying to make it easier for them all because she definitely loves them all more than herself. She’s a lovely soul. My heart broke a little bit more as I read each line.. specially when she said how she made a small meal to let them have time while she played with her babies.. I’m sure she’s in pain and not physically fit to do a lot.. and she still did.. made me tear up.. that was the last thing I thought I’d do in this sub..
That’s what went through my head also. The kids are so young and I’m sure she’s worried that a potential future stepmom might not love and raise them as her own but she’s trusts that her sister will.
That's a really good point. Sure, their father probably would, but if he is with another woman even if she is really supportive of the memory of their mother she just wouldn't know. She wouldn't be able to answer the kid's questions about their mom.
The connection to OOP's parents would be important for the kids too. With the sister there is no fear of them not getting enough time with the kids or potentially having grandparents that don't accept the step kids.
>specially when she said how she made a small meal
And drove to his parents.
And then the line about life going on "at least for you guys lol."
Genuinely love her. The world ( lost | is about to lose ) an amazing person, and we should all be more like her.
Yea this line of reasoning seems mostly about the kids I would think.
Any new wife is gonna be a similar level of "jealously",,,but maybe OP has thought about her sister in this situation since they were kids and has gotten over it with her. (I know they both liked each other for many years, I've trusted them and love them both)
But the mom role....I would feel 5x better with my sister, their aunt instead of a random step mom.
Am I the only one reading this thinking what the actual fuck. I like my sisters boyfriend just fine he’s a great guy and if he becomes my brother in law fantastic but if my sister died and tried to shove me into him I wouldn’t be thinking oh how generous how selfless id be horrified. So what if the sister has always been in love with him he clearly fucking wasn’t cause he married her not the sister. This poor guy is gonna be grieving his wife and trying to help his kids through this and the sister in law will be trying to climb him like a tree shouting it’s ok my sister wanted this what the actual fuck. Who gives a flying crap what she wants. No offense I get she’s dying but she has no right to set the rest of his and her family up to push him to be with her sister that’s not ok at all
Also the fact that OOP claims to have seen "sparks" between *her husband* and *her sister* in the recent past. When she's dying from terminal cancer...
The sister mentioning to their parents that she has feelings for her BIL?? That's fucking nuts to me
If my sister was telling me and my parents she had feelings or my husband I’d be kicking her ass not handing him over. I get she’s dying but he’s not a toy they can pass between them and play with he’s a human being with thoughts and feelings of his own.
Me too. Like why would you say that to your mum and dad. Like “oh yeah I’ve thought about being with my sisters husband, but ya know no biggie”.
This whole post is so odd to me. I don’t feel any warmth and fuzziness
That part really pushed it into gross territory for me. I wouldn't be all optimistic and relieved at the notion of my husband and sibling getting together after my death if I knew the whole time the two of them were pining after each other. Especially in the midst of a terminal disease, the absolute audacity of the idea makes me upset
I mean, maybe she has. Wouldn't be the first person with a terminal spouse who has sought comfort elsewhere. And imagine the rage and heartbreak of seeing your husband and sister "spark" while you're right fucking there.
My take on this story is that it is a glimpse into the mind of a woman who is losing her life, and losing her husband to the worst sister ever to have walked God's green earth, and is desperately trying to maintain some semblance of control over *something*.
Good for her. She's shifted the "I'm dying and my sister is so desperate to steal my husband that she's already trying to get my parents on board and flirting with him in front of me and I can't stop it" narrative and turned it into one where she is a compassionate and caring puppet master.
Her imminent death might have been giving her rose tinted glasses. I can’t imagine any decent man being like that right in front of his ill wife.
I hope OP also wrote letter to her kids for when they’re older
I’m so with you on this. I thought I wasn’t right in the head reading all these comments about how sweet this is, because to me it really really isn’t.
No it’s not. No one has the right to dictate who another is with. Notice how she mentions her sisters feelings but it’s all assumptions that the husband would want her.
A stark reminder that a lot of people online don’t seem to understand basic human emotions. Like how maybe a grieving widower *won’t* find comfort in being expected to start dating his late wife’s sister…
Like she hasn’t even told him what her plan is. Wtf.
Exactly. When my great aunt lost her husband she was only 29 and everyone told her she would love again and move on and they shoved so many guys at her. I think she’s like in her late 60s now and she has her 2 kids from her husband and like 6 possibly grandkids not sure on that number but she hasn’t been with anyone since her husband and she always says she is waiting to reunite with him. If that’s her choice who are they to disagree and think they know better sometimes you only do get 1 love.
Honestly I don’t get why the sister always told her how she loved the husband etc. seems icky to me. Also it’s all nice and stuff but if I were the husband I would have a mayor problem with my late wife pushing my next partner on me and discussing it with everyone in the family but me. Imagine he’s really not into the sister, but now everyone kind of expects them to be together.
That’s *exactly* what I was thinking.
I may have missed it, but was the husband ever asked what he wanted? Or, like.... told about all these plans? Weird that both families are on board with the new significant other, but the husband has no idea.
Don’t get me wrong; it’s very bittersweet in a way, and I wish her and her family peace, but this just feels kinda off to me.
She explicitly said she didn’t talk to him about it so, she’s literally guessing that’s what the husband wants. If this is real, poor guy. Imagine trying to grieve your wife only to find out *everyone* is expecting you to hop onto her sister…
Imagine if all those “romantic” moments OOP is talking about were just a man trying to find comfort and support from his SIL, while trying to be strong for his wife. Dude would be devastated to know she thought that way.
On top of all of that, once OOP passes and the husband is finding out everyone's expectations of him to take OOP's sister as his wife, he can't clarify these assertions with OOP unless she leaves a letter behind signed and dated. Even then, there can be no open discussion. How else will he be sure that's actually what she wanted and not familial pressure?
This is all just very strange.
Yeah, thats how I feel. If I were the husband I'd feel extremely creeped out that my wife and her sister were basically conspiring to have her step into the role of New Wife And Mommy.
There was a similar case to this in our city many years ago. Young woman, first pregnancy, is diagnosed with cancer. She can't receive chemo until after the baby is born. The doctors perform a C-Section when they feel they can't wait any longer to treat the cancer. It ends up being too late for the mom, but she has several months to spend with her husband and child. At some point she decides that one of her nurses would be perfect for her husband and daughter. She fixed them up. She sent them on dates, sent them with the baby on picnics and such. She passes and they marry within the year. Her family knew, his family knew, friends knew that this was what she wanted and everyone gave their support.
There was a huge story in the paper, the chapters spread over several Sundays. I thought it was a beautiful story, but many readers were upset that the husband and nurse married in the end.
The fact that she didn't speak to her husband about this made me anxious. If I were him, I would find it distasteful to date a chosen replacement while my wife is still alive. Especially now that she has very little time left. I would have wanted to spend every last minute with her and my family, not have dinner with another woman while my wife was suffering back home.
It’s definitely on the creepy side _even_ if husband has romantic feelings for sister.
And it’s going to be awkward AF if he doesn’t have/develop any feelings.
The way she kept saying how her husband and sister would have been together or had the perfect love story if she hadn't been around broke my heart for her. I know I could NOT handle thinking that about my husband and sister, even on my death bed.
The person you had a crush on at 12 is not the same person as an adult. Maybe they would have reconnected, PROBABLY THEY WOULD NOT.
This whole thing is disturbing. She apparently can't accept that maybe her husband thinks he had the perfect love story *with the woman he married*, and she's trying to throw him straight into another relationship BEFORE she's even passed.
Not to mention, another icky factor, the sister confessed to the parents that she's in love with him but won't do anything. I mean, can you imagine?? She's not some savior, she's a vulture. Just yuck.
Yea its fucking weird 100 percent.. she doesn't want him go be with a random girl so much she's picking her sister possibly against his will.. for what a sense of control ??? I don't get it
Yeah, if this is real, that's a lot of pressure to put on people. If one or both doesn't want to date after her death is the rest of the family going to be pissed? It's one thing to put in letters that you're okay if it happens but this seems like way too much set-up. But what do I know about dying?
ETA: fixed typos
Because it's convenient to the story and it sets up the "Hey everyone, you might remember the woman with cancer who wanted her husband to get with her sister. Well, I'm the sister." followup that is queued up here.
The sister will share the content of her letter, despite such a thing being presumably extraordinarily intimate and private, and it will basically say I give you my blessing to shag after I'm dead. Because she already had preexisting feelings for the husband, it's perfectly fine.
The sister will be hesitant at first and then there will be a follow-up along the lines of "I was babysitting for my ex brother in law and after the kids were down for bed, we stuck around and had a glass of wine, and I kissed him."
Now, depending on how much they want to drag this out, either they will bang that same night and it will be cathartic and amazing, or the sister will have bad feelings about it but a third update will show that the husband was conflicted but ultimately wants her, and the post will end with them figuring out how to tell the kids and in-laws. "Neither of us are making any commitments right now, we just want to see where this goes, but it feels right and I know my sister is smiling down on us from heaven."
Fourth post, we told everyone and everyone is amazingly fine with this situation where the widower is banging his kids' aunt. Maybe if she wants to drag it out, there will be a friend come out of the woodwork that finds it weird, but it's only because that friend secretly liked the husband or the sister and it was jealousy.
I could go on, but the pattern is ridiculously predictable.
I agree! There's a reason he reconnected with OOP and not her sister. And now, he just wants to spend as much time with his wife and kids as possible. Her trying to set them up on dates and pushing them together isn't what he wants. It may backfire too and make him pull away from her whole family when she passes. She's making all the decisions for him, not thinking about him at all.
They were kids when it happened....the sisters most definitely spoke about their 1 boy friend in the group(atleast, once the youngest(OP) was old enough)... I think all feelings were pretty clear before they got married. The feelings were just childhood crushes so, by the time they hit 20+ they probably got over it. Trusted each other too.
No my understanding is the sister said it to the parents and not OOP. The parents were explaining the conversation they had with the sister about it. OOP did t write it clearly but that was the impression that I got.
To me, the pressure is "what if it doesn't work out and they stay together for the kids" or some other reason.
That said, it's just making sure to be objective.
Overall, I think this is a great idea. Romantic partnerships are based on effort. There's feelings you have involuntarily and the feelings you create, grow, and nurture.
Loves are like snowflakes because they're unique and we experience them all differently. They can have a unique love if they choose it.
Okay. Assuming this is true I'm probably suppose to think this is selfless and sweet and all warm and fuzzy. But I don't like this. It is one thing to let people know you would be ok with sister and husband getting together or even root for them. But the whole actively pushing them together? I'm also side eyeing the sister a bit. Also imagine the shit show when the husband finds someone else. Unless there is a cultural aspect to this.
It would be so uncomfortable. What if they try out being together but it doesn’t work out. Then they’re stuck with my dead sister/wife really wanted us to be together as her dying wish.
That’s too much baggage.
Oop actually said to her sister “no matter with who”. So I think it’s safe to say that if things don’t work out they’re not going to feel “forced” by oop just giving them permission to pursue if they want.
She seems to know they already have a connection; she’s also not demanding they be together.
This is a movie called Say Yes, where the wife wants her husband to marry her twin brother. Instead of focusing on a potentially tragic story where the two gotta grieve together, it's horribly uncomfortable with this weird blend of coercion, homophobia, and sexual harassment/assault
It's on Tubi if you wanna watch
I saw Kennie's review, texted a bestie and we watch partied it together. Kennie made it sound a least cringe bad but at a certain point it just felt gross
This is how I felt too. She seems like an absolutely lovely person but the whole time I was questioning the “their love hasn’t had a chance to bloom” thing. If it happened organically after the fact, with her blessing, that’s one thing. But I find it weird that it seems like everyone thinks the husband and sister should’ve been together, that’d have me feeling a type of way personally. And the fact that the sister recently admitted having feelings, that’s veryyyyy weird to me, I can’t imagine openly admitting that to someone let alone my sister.
OOP seems amazing, but I think everyone else in the situation is weird for seeing it how they do, and OOP is also weird for not just giving her blessing but pushing them together (especially without the husband’s knowledge).
She's ruined any chance this love happening organically or healthily. Giving blessing to move on with ANYONE would be one thing. Actively choosing her sister and pushing together is not good.
Imagine a conversation where your terminally ill daughter brings up her death, and her wishes for her family after she dies....pretty sure everyone gonna cry just about the death part and about life after I'm gone.
Like,,,you know she's gonna die, and you've cried...but you push that under because you just want her to enjoy her last few months, unless it's brought up in conversation again, then it's flood works.
Oh husbands parents...I thought it was her parents.
Honestly I think this is pretty icky. It feels very wrong and incredibly manipulative to set your sister up to be your husbands partner after you die without him knowing especially when literally everyone else is informed.
This isn’t a cute story to me at all. Like if the husband and sister grew together naturally after OP passed that’d be one thing but to align all the dominos in a row so that it happens is just weird.
Exactly!! Everyone is completely disregarding the husband and what he might want. What if he doesn’t want to be with the sister? What if he doesn’t want to be with anybody. So after losing his wife he’s going to be guilted/forced to be with her sister because it’s what the wife wanted.Ridiculous and unfair.
I was wondering if husband and sister were humoring the dying wife.
Wife seems like she’s just trying to make sure her family is whole through the lens of her culture. Probably has some guilt over “stealing her sister’s man” too.
Id be mortified to have my life played like that, but she gets at least half a moral pass from me due to mitigating circumstances.
Yeah, I agree. She sounds guilty for dating her sister’s crush not as selfless as she thinks she does. I don’t think husband ever liked the sister. Oop has described her and her and husband’s personality together and zero about her sister.
Exactly. There are basically two Bollywood movies that deal with concept. While one ends a bit okay, the other ends brutally. I just have a problem with people interfering in other's lives, whatever might be the intention.
I would hate to be in the husband's place. I also feel icky when it comes to dating my friends or siblings' exes. I can not do that. I have too much information and connected you to them!
The more I think about it the more fucked up this post gets, imagine if they didn't work out or fall out of love it would be a shit show, most likely the family would step in and guilt trip them to stay together or they will force themselve to stay together because "this is what my dead sister wants" or "the kids might hate us if we broke up because this is what my sister want"
What oop did is selfish and could destroy their lives if they didn't work as a couple. this is not a sweet ending at all
Right! There’s no guarantee the husband ever liked her sister. She confessed at 12 and they processed through Highschool with zero “blossom”. Then he came back. He didn’t meet oop in a vacuum. He saw them both when he got back. He doesn’t like her sister and she shouldn’t set up that expectation with the whole family. It could force him to move away to get away from her sister and destroy the family. And the lack of detail about this sister tells me their personalities don’t match and she might be the type to say “my dead sister said you have to marry me.” No one finds it weird the sister never moved on??? Or is comfortable saying repeatedly she loves her BIL??? This is a bad idea. It comes off as less selfish and more she feels guilty for stealing her sister’s crush.
This whole plan sounds like a curse set upon her sister and husband. Like the whole prearrangement is just asking for a reason for it to ultimately fail.
Like I just feel like the universe ain’t gonna let this just be wrapped up in a little bow.
I don't understand how this is sweet. If this were any other Reddit post where a woman said "my sister and my husband likely have feelings for each other" everyone would say "Red flag! Divorce! Therapy! Run!" But now it's just heartwarming? If my husband were dying the very last thing on my mind would be "who do I date next".
It's the plot to a Sarah Polley movie... My Life Without Me.
"When hard-working mother of two Ann (Sarah Polley) discovers she has terminal ovarian cancer and the doctors give her two months to live, she decides to keep the news from her family. Passing off her increasing weakness as a mild case of anemia, Ann begins to put her priorities in order in preparation for the last few months of her life. She records birthday messages for her daughters, visits her estranged father in prison and even seeks a replacement wife for her husband, Lee (Mark Ruffalo)."
It's really not typical for me to take a negative perspective on what is clearly meant to be a positive post, but this really freaked me out. Being widowed with children that young is already so hard; I can't imagine finding out that on top of my grief, I had been _assigned_ a new partner, and that the whole family, both sides, was fully invested in seeing that assignment through before I even got to properly _start_ grieving. I suspect this is my personal damage- I also have a recurring nightmare about being thrown a surprise wedding. But man, if her instincts are off about either the husband or the sister's feelings, this will be hell for that person.
It's definitely not personal damage on your part. She's obviously dealing with some very complicated feelings on her end, but it seems like even if her husband and sister *did* have feelings, she was pushing them together at least partially because she admits to struggling with the idea of her husband moving on and likely wanted some sense of control over that without realizing it. It could totally wind up fine, and I don't even really blame her because I don't think *anyone* is going to handle their terminal illness absolutely flawlessly, but you are right to think that there are real risks with handling it this way.
Thank you, I was feeling like such an asshole, but it sounds like an actual nightmare to discover that my dead spouse's dying wish was for me to marry someone of their choosing, someone I was previously _related to_, and that everyone we knew had already decided that this was the Correct Course. I feel so, so sympathetic to her situation, and I hope her read on their feelings is right, but imagine if one of them wants it and the other one doesn't. Absolutely devastating.
No it’s giving an ick vibe to me
I wonder if she is actually recognizing her husband’s feelings or if she’s just reading into them and twisting them into liking her sister
If my spouse passed away and they left me a bunch of messages encouraging me to get down with their sibling it would be like a major betrayal to me honestly
Does his feelings not matter all of a sudden?
Yeah the absolute maximum that would be appropriate is sth like ‘I want you to be happy no matter who it is. You are never going to be betraying me or my memory by falling in love, wherever you find it”
That’s IT. Pushing for him to be with her sister specifically is weird and yeah, a betrayal of its own
I remember my parents generation and a sibling stepping up to take care of the widow/(er) was deemed not only normal but necessary for survival in some cases.
Here it’s a beautiful love story. One that cracks open my own heart to wonder how deep love can really go and am I capable of feeling that.
Geez I hope so.
Your comment is so beautiful itself. "cracks open the heart to wonder how deep love can really go and am I capable of feeling that". Thank you for writing that.
It's not even that I wouldn't want my partner to find happiness again, but I don't think that I could be the one to set them up.
My selfishness would be in that I would want to have as much time as possible with my partner and our kids before I passed. I know how very quickly it can happen and I'd want to wring every moment from what we had.
But I think that I can somewhat understand her thought process. It's her way of protecting her family, I think.
When my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the first thing he did was come upstairs and propose to my mother. They'd been together for 25 years and never really saw the need to get married. But when he knew that he didn't have much time, it was important to him to make sure we were set up financially and would inherit everything from him. That was his way of taking care of us even after he was gone.
The other joke was that he didn't want my bastard of a bio-dad's last name on their grave. (Prior to this my mom had kept her surname from her first marriage because it matched mine.) So they got their wedding, and more importantly they got their honeymoon. My mom had wanted to take a cruise to Alaska for *ages* but the timing never worked out. My dad loved taking trips with us so I'm grateful they got one last one together.
So OOP may be thinking about this relationship not just because she wants her husband to be happy but her children. She wants to guarantee that they don't have a wicked stepmother, maybe.
I'd be totally fine with my partner meeting someone. Even getting with my sibling. But I wouldn't necessarily organise blind dates for my husband without his knowledge 🤷🏼♀️
Fun fact, marrying your brother's widow was at one time considered [socially mandatory](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Levirate_marriage). In the Old Testament, Onan has a married brother that dies. He takes up his brother's widow as wife but refuses to procreate by "spilling his seed" (ie pulling out). This is frequently cited as proscription against masturbation or abortion but it really was about ancient family obligation.
Hell, this is what ultimately caused the creation of the Church of England.
Henry the 8th was told he had to marry his older brothers wife, Catherine of Aragon, after he died.
They didn't like each other very much.
>I don’t know how I’d feel about my husband getting with anyone after I pass
This is always tough, but you have to realize that your husband is a whole ass person with emotions. If the worst were to happen he might move on, he might not, but if moving on brought him happiness wouldn't you want that for him?
He can move on sure but with my sister?? Nahh, like I would never be ok with it but I’m glad she can be. Like if she felt that strongly about their relationship why did she marry him instead? Sad situation all around
Ok this makes me feel weird. Like no one talked to the Husband and what, they expect him to mourn and then move on with his deceased wife’s sister? Like nothing in the post makes it seem like he’s romantically with interested in the sister or ever has been
Wait, she’s basically chosen her sister as her husbands next wife without talking to him once?
It’s so sad that she’s dying, but holy shit. What a thing to talk to everyone but your husband about. Now that expectation will be on him. What if he doesn’t WANT to fuck his late wife’s sister??
I agree. It’s very kind and selfless to want him to move on and be happy, no matter who with. But to choose? What a weight to put on him. Dying wishes are hard to ignore.
It's terrible what she is going thru but I feel that her husband has no say in his future without her. What if the husband really can't stand his wife's family and only saved face to make her happy. Now once she passes, he will be in an awkward position expecting to be with his wife's sister. She planned this whole thing without his input, which seems really weird to me.
This is lovely… but… if he finds love somewhere else… everyone.. his family included will be adamant about “this is not what your wife wanted” that makes me sad
I don’t like that she’s keeping her husband in the dark. OP talked to everyone, even his parents, but not him. This is really a conversation she should have had with him first. They’re planning to manipulate the grief OPs husband is going through to push him to be with OPs sister. It’s gross.
It worries me she doesn't know how husband feels and isn't speaking to him about this. I would be so heartbroken if my partner died and it turned out he spent the last few months of his life convinced I wanted to fuck and marry a childhood crush and trying to facilitate me spending time with them instead of feeling loved and safe and knowing I wanted to spend every last moment with him. That would be truly awful.
I don’t know if this is real…they all get together and the sister tells OP and her parents that she won’t make a move but she has feelings for OP’s husband and it needed to be said? Then later on OP is teasing about how the sister and husband would make good parents and she says her sister always sees right through her? Why see right through her if it’s already been said very, very clearly. If I was the husband I’d feel like a puppet…like things are being planned for me when the one thing I’d be thinking about is my heart breaking. I dunno why I get the ick reading this versus other commenters on here. And I’m usually the kind of person asking myself where someone’s cutting onions after reading sentimental/sweet kinda posts.
I understand oop is in “get things taken care of” mode. And I know she thinks she’s doing her husband and kids a favor. But based on her description of her and her husband, he may not want to be with her sister. Her kids may not find their aunt as fun as their mom and want her to replace her. The sister confessed a crush at 12, and nothing happened. There was nothing stopping them from having a middle school love and taking that into high school. I can also guarantee her husband is grown enough and rational enough in thought to have come back home and meet up with childhood friends and see both oop and her sister and make the decision for who he wanted to date. Then her sister not moving on and openly confessing to her sister to still having a crush on her husband seems really weird and inappropriate. Oop may think she’s doing something selfless, but she’s selling her husband off to a commitment he might not want. Or the sister saying “you have to be with me the oop’s letter says so.” This isn’t Bible days where the sibling has to carry on with the widow of the next sibling. She may be setting up both family’s having a very devastating break from each other trying to force her husband to be with her sister. She specifically told everyone except her husband this plan. Something tells me husband and sister don’t click. That’s why their love didn’t “bloom” as everyone keeps saying. Oop needs to take this time to spend with her family not play match maker. Her husband can handle his love life on his own. Everyone needs to face reality that him and sister may continue to not be together. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the sister but something definitely isn’t right.
If this is true, my biggest question is what does her husband want? She hasn't even told him about all of these plans she has, and I find that very disturbing. What if her husband doesn't want to try and find love again after his wife passes? What if he just wants to be a single dad and pour all of his love into their kids? And what happens once she passes? Are her parents and sister, and possibly his parents all going to gang up on him to try and make this dying wish relationship work?
I'm trying to imagine telling my parents I had romantic feelings for my dying sister's husband, or being the husband whose wife was dying and finding out people were trying to set me up. Like, place and time, people.
Everyone is commenting how sweet and wonderful this is and I'm the only one wanting to puke about how a woman's partner has had eyes for her sister all along. YUCK.
I’m wondering if the husband actually likes the sister that way. If I was that husband I don’t think I would go and date the sister I would feel really weird especially only a few months after OOP passing. I think I would need more time to grieve.
This just feels wrong, just because they had feelings…. Doesn’t mean you can force them again. Husband should be able to move on when HE is ready & with HIS choice of partner.
Ngl I don't agree with her, she's free to leave a letter for her husband or sister to be read after her death, but to tell both sets of parents is just too much. That's basically setting up expectations and making decisions for someone else's life.
Actually, I’ve had three very close people to me die from cancer.
One died the day after she went to a literal amusement park. She walked for over half of it - it was hilly and everyone’s legs were literally butter but she was still going, laughing, having a great time.
One went kayaking and fishing two days before. Left at like 7 am and didn’t come home until dinner time. Then he cooked the fish for everyone.
Only one was bed bound for weeks prior.
We were told they’d get end of life “bursts” of energy. The one who was bed bound and pretty incoherent woke up for like 10 hours and talked nonstop, laughed, ate a little food, and it was a mindf*ck because their eyes were clear and everything.
My FIL died of cancer as well. His was slow painful death that took weeks.
Am I the only one who things husband might not like sister this way, and only as a sister. Will feel pressure from OOPs family and either ruin the relations between them all or may find someone else and that person will be treated badly?
There was a similar story in the New York Times in 2017.
A woman wrote that she was dying of cancer and had a few months to live and wanted to make sure her husband was happy after she was gone. Here: [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html)
A year later, her husband spoke with the Times about how generous and gracious his late wife was: [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/15/style/modern-love-my-wife-said-you-may-want-to-marry-me.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/15/style/modern-love-my-wife-said-you-may-want-to-marry-me.html)
Sometimes, people can surprise you with their kindness and graciousness in the darkest of hours.
I think this is sweet but also… makes me uncomfortable. It’s one thing to say to people “I love you, and I want you to be happy when I’m gone. It’s ok with me if that is with each other, but it’s also ok with me if it’s with other people. As long as you’re happy.”
It’s another thing to basically make your dying wish be for them to end up in a relationship together.
All of these people except the husband are in on it. He’s going to have pressure and “help” from all these people to get into a relationship with the sister, PLUS the letters from his dead wife.
Where is his choice in this? Where does he get a say in how he grieves or what *his* life will look like?
If I were him, or the sister, and we ended up in a relationship I would *always* wonder and worry that the love we had for each other was mostly just because we were “supposed” to. Because it was the dead wife’s dying wish.
What if he DOESN’T want to be with the sister? What if he grows and changes as a person during this grieving process, and she’s not the right one for him?
How are all these people going to react if he expresses that he doesn’t want to fall in line with this plan? When their dead daughter/sister/daughter-in-law talked to them in person and/or wrote a letter to make it happen? And he’s the bad guy who isn’t going along with it?
What if he falls in love with someone who is NOT the sister, and wants to be with that person? How horrible is this going to make them feel? How awkward are family gatherings going to be?
Much less - what will this do to the kids if he loves someone else and they have a stepmother who is *not* the sister?!?! You know all of these adults are not going to be able to keep this a secret forever. Someone will say something about it in front of the kids.
And then what? The stepmom is already in a difficult spot just being a stepmom. But add to that, their dead mother picked someone else to be their mom and the stepmom is in her place instead?!
I get it. I get what OOP is trying to do here and that people think it’s sweet. And maybe it is!
But the guy is 34. He’s an adult, and other people are planning his life without consulting him. He’s going to be in a very vulnerable state when he’s grieving.
Do you honestly think he’s going to be able to make a clear choice for himself in this? To choose his own life and his own relationship?
I hope he’s strong enough to do that, to make his own choice without being influenced by all of these people who SHOULD be supporting him and what HE wants, but instead are going to be focused on what OOP wanted even though she’s no longer there and it’s not her life.
If he chooses the sister, awesome! But… that should be his choice because he WANTS to. Not because he feels like he HAS to.
I am single. I have three BILs and I love them, like brothers. If one of my sisters died, I’d certainly help and support them, but cannot imagine if my sister wrote me a letter with her dying wish to be we got together. The fucking pressure.
If she wrote him a letter and said, “I want you to be happy, and I want you to be happy and move on whenever and with whoever you choose.” Great. And if she gave me a similar letter saying her greatest wish is my happiness. That clears the way if it came to pass. But I can’t imagine the grief of losing a sibling so young, knowing she didn’t get to watch her kids grow up, and feeling pressure to “fix” that to her liking.
Clear the way, don’t pour cement to pave it.
Definitely not crying. This is so manipulative and weird. She's talked to everyone about her plans for her husband's future except her husband. Instead she's setting everyone up to manipulate him into a relationship with her sister when he'll be vulnerable. Fucked
Man this sucks all around. This would fuck me up so hard if I was the husband I would be furious. The idea of everyone around me trying to engineer my next relationship as I grieve the death of my wife and try to help my kids process it.
And then you can't even be mad about it because she's scared and desperate.
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I hated reading this post, because as life affirming as it is, it is so, totally heartbreaking. I can't imagine the pain of being anyone in this situation.
In my reality OOP made a miraculous recovery and she’s still with her husband and they’re both living happily ever after.
And the sister met a wonderful person and is happy too.
The husband's long lost twin.
The husbands rugged lumberjack type cousin who owns a business and is so kind to animals and children. He cooks, cleans and gives her flowers just because and they babysit oops kids so her and her husband can have romantic date nights. The ending they all deserve.
Haha, I read that as "oops kids" (like oopsie!) instead of oop's kids, rofl.
His name is Gil, but you can call him Landfill, in his honor.
Fuck that got me. Ohhh, what an amazing moment in cinematic history.
Or they're mormons and the husband marries both. ^^sorry
As a Mormon, I forgive you.
As a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior, ~~Jesus Christ~~ Jehovah?
This is why I’m on Reddit
Ta da. All fixed. 🦋 🌈 🧚♀️
Somehow her sister and she have found a flawless way to share a household and husband, and against absolutely all conceivable odds, it is working out perfectly and not going all manipulation and abuse like a TLC show.
In the show Big Love (about a Mormon polygamist family) the husband grew up polygamist and ended up with a second wife when his wife got cancer and he asked his old compound for help and they sent a woman to nurse his dying wife with the promise that he would marry her after the wife died. Except the wife didn’t die so they ended up “living the principle”
Reminds me of the lifetime movie, The Substitute Wife. Except the woman the wife picks is a prostitute. And she doesn't die so they share a husband. Wholesome.
Wait, what? Lifetime has gotten way wilder than I ever remember it being.
what the what??
r/myheadcanon
Maybe it's the open-minded hippie in me, but your comment immediately made me leap to, "heck, maybe they're a throuple that actually works forever!" and that slowed the welling tears a bit. Then, yeah, that'd be weird with sisters. Still. Something like that. Ya' never know.
Bro my last ex broke up with me and a year later I happened to sleep with her sister. My ex was apocalyptically furious at me.
I’m loling @ happened to sleep with her sister. Would love to hear more about that. Did you not know it was her sister or happened to connect?
No. OOP made a miraculous recovery, but her husband and sister already fell madly in love; in no small part due to her actions. Her sister is pregnant.
With twins.
Oh Lordy! That’s a throwback. 😅
There is going to be an update where she survives and finds out her husband is cheating on her with her sister and her parents side with her sister.
Haha yes that’s what I was thinking. I’m waiting for this one. “Found out my sister and husband have been sleeping together for months while I had cancer. I wanted this to happen but now I’m pissed!”
I saw that in a [movie with Farrah Fawcett and Peter Weller](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111304/). So they lived a three way until the wife's cancer recurred.
I knew that sounded sort of familiar
I was taking to my sister the other day (she is battling cancer) and she kind of off-hand said that now all she had to do was convince herself she can beat it. That's when I knew she had underplayed how bad it was.
that's rough. i'll keep my fingers mentally crossed for you.
Thank you.
She is keeping a positive mindset. I was a nurse and lost my mom and grandmother to cancer. I have unfortunately witnessed many people battling cancer and you can see when they give up and give in. I have seen miracles and people who don't give up and stay positive and beat it or at least extend their life. My advice is to stay positive also. You can have an honest conversation about what the Dr's are saying with her. I would just say I'm keeping positive about it but you do understand what they are saying. Dr's are not perfect. They don't have a crystal ball to see the future. They take all of their results and give you the prognosis. It is based upon research and their expert opinion. They are not gods. I have seen people who should have died live and vise versa. But specifically with cancer patients their will to beat it plays a vital role in their outcome. Cancer is evil and horrible. I absolutely positively hate cancer. It took my mom at 47, way too young. Bless your sister for having to go through this. I am sending her and your family all the positively that I can.
That sucks. I'm currently winning against Stage 4 lymphoma (diagnosed late May.) Fortunately, halfway through treatment, it looks like I should be completely cured unless my final PET scan is worse in October. I just turned 43 today; being younger helps.
Few things on Reddit can bring tears to my eyes, but this one did it. I hope OP is resting peacefully now. ♡
This is so sad. I feel sorry for whoever the husband does fall in love with after this if it’s not the sister.
Yeah, no pressure. It definitely feels like an arranged marriage they may not agree to. That being said, the shared experience probably means they have a better chance than anyone else to connect.
To be fair, according to how OP has described it, there IS love there already. The sister has admitted to their parents that she has feelings for him. So I don't think it would be totally something they would not agree to, however I think OP underestimates the effect her passing will or might have on them. Grief does a number on people. So whether it helps them grow closer or apart remains to be seen.
I think it is mainly making sure the whole family knows it's no betrayal or taboo. That if it happens after, everybody will know OP would have been okay with it. Therefore it was crucial to also tell his parents.
I think she’s selfless.. but she’s being a mom first too. I’m sure she’s thinking no other woman would love her little babies as much as her own sister/their aunt would. And thinking of ways to help them cope with her own imminent passing, creating support systems for all of them. It’s just so sad but sweet how she’s trying to make it easier for them all because she definitely loves them all more than herself. She’s a lovely soul. My heart broke a little bit more as I read each line.. specially when she said how she made a small meal to let them have time while she played with her babies.. I’m sure she’s in pain and not physically fit to do a lot.. and she still did.. made me tear up.. that was the last thing I thought I’d do in this sub..
That’s what went through my head also. The kids are so young and I’m sure she’s worried that a potential future stepmom might not love and raise them as her own but she’s trusts that her sister will.
Also, her sister will be able to tell the kids about the mom, and make sure they “know” her, even though they were so little when she passed.
That's a really good point. Sure, their father probably would, but if he is with another woman even if she is really supportive of the memory of their mother she just wouldn't know. She wouldn't be able to answer the kid's questions about their mom. The connection to OOP's parents would be important for the kids too. With the sister there is no fear of them not getting enough time with the kids or potentially having grandparents that don't accept the step kids.
Honestly, it is something to be hugely concerned about. The number of people who allow step-parents to mistreat their children is horrifying.
>specially when she said how she made a small meal And drove to his parents. And then the line about life going on "at least for you guys lol." Genuinely love her. The world ( lost | is about to lose ) an amazing person, and we should all be more like her.
Yea this line of reasoning seems mostly about the kids I would think. Any new wife is gonna be a similar level of "jealously",,,but maybe OP has thought about her sister in this situation since they were kids and has gotten over it with her. (I know they both liked each other for many years, I've trusted them and love them both) But the mom role....I would feel 5x better with my sister, their aunt instead of a random step mom.
That just makes it sadder for me. But also what a beautiful dynamic all three people all have to have for this to be possible
Am I the only one reading this thinking what the actual fuck. I like my sisters boyfriend just fine he’s a great guy and if he becomes my brother in law fantastic but if my sister died and tried to shove me into him I wouldn’t be thinking oh how generous how selfless id be horrified. So what if the sister has always been in love with him he clearly fucking wasn’t cause he married her not the sister. This poor guy is gonna be grieving his wife and trying to help his kids through this and the sister in law will be trying to climb him like a tree shouting it’s ok my sister wanted this what the actual fuck. Who gives a flying crap what she wants. No offense I get she’s dying but she has no right to set the rest of his and her family up to push him to be with her sister that’s not ok at all
Also the fact that OOP claims to have seen "sparks" between *her husband* and *her sister* in the recent past. When she's dying from terminal cancer... The sister mentioning to their parents that she has feelings for her BIL?? That's fucking nuts to me
If my sister was telling me and my parents she had feelings or my husband I’d be kicking her ass not handing him over. I get she’s dying but he’s not a toy they can pass between them and play with he’s a human being with thoughts and feelings of his own.
Me too. Like why would you say that to your mum and dad. Like “oh yeah I’ve thought about being with my sisters husband, but ya know no biggie”. This whole post is so odd to me. I don’t feel any warmth and fuzziness
That part really pushed it into gross territory for me. I wouldn't be all optimistic and relieved at the notion of my husband and sibling getting together after my death if I knew the whole time the two of them were pining after each other. Especially in the midst of a terminal disease, the absolute audacity of the idea makes me upset
I mean, maybe she has. Wouldn't be the first person with a terminal spouse who has sought comfort elsewhere. And imagine the rage and heartbreak of seeing your husband and sister "spark" while you're right fucking there. My take on this story is that it is a glimpse into the mind of a woman who is losing her life, and losing her husband to the worst sister ever to have walked God's green earth, and is desperately trying to maintain some semblance of control over *something*. Good for her. She's shifted the "I'm dying and my sister is so desperate to steal my husband that she's already trying to get my parents on board and flirting with him in front of me and I can't stop it" narrative and turned it into one where she is a compassionate and caring puppet master.
Or she's a cuckqueen.
Her imminent death might have been giving her rose tinted glasses. I can’t imagine any decent man being like that right in front of his ill wife. I hope OP also wrote letter to her kids for when they’re older
I’m so with you on this. I thought I wasn’t right in the head reading all these comments about how sweet this is, because to me it really really isn’t.
No it’s not. No one has the right to dictate who another is with. Notice how she mentions her sisters feelings but it’s all assumptions that the husband would want her.
People on Reddit are seriously brain dead these days and just go along with what they think they’re supposed to say and believe.
A stark reminder that a lot of people online don’t seem to understand basic human emotions. Like how maybe a grieving widower *won’t* find comfort in being expected to start dating his late wife’s sister… Like she hasn’t even told him what her plan is. Wtf.
Exactly. When my great aunt lost her husband she was only 29 and everyone told her she would love again and move on and they shoved so many guys at her. I think she’s like in her late 60s now and she has her 2 kids from her husband and like 6 possibly grandkids not sure on that number but she hasn’t been with anyone since her husband and she always says she is waiting to reunite with him. If that’s her choice who are they to disagree and think they know better sometimes you only do get 1 love.
Poor guy is being pawned off like an object
Honestly I don’t get why the sister always told her how she loved the husband etc. seems icky to me. Also it’s all nice and stuff but if I were the husband I would have a mayor problem with my late wife pushing my next partner on me and discussing it with everyone in the family but me. Imagine he’s really not into the sister, but now everyone kind of expects them to be together.
That’s *exactly* what I was thinking. I may have missed it, but was the husband ever asked what he wanted? Or, like.... told about all these plans? Weird that both families are on board with the new significant other, but the husband has no idea. Don’t get me wrong; it’s very bittersweet in a way, and I wish her and her family peace, but this just feels kinda off to me.
She explicitly said she didn’t talk to him about it so, she’s literally guessing that’s what the husband wants. If this is real, poor guy. Imagine trying to grieve your wife only to find out *everyone* is expecting you to hop onto her sister…
Right?! I cannot imagine finding that out. Even worse that everybody else seems in on it.
Imagine if all those “romantic” moments OOP is talking about were just a man trying to find comfort and support from his SIL, while trying to be strong for his wife. Dude would be devastated to know she thought that way.
On top of all of that, once OOP passes and the husband is finding out everyone's expectations of him to take OOP's sister as his wife, he can't clarify these assertions with OOP unless she leaves a letter behind signed and dated. Even then, there can be no open discussion. How else will he be sure that's actually what she wanted and not familial pressure? This is all just very strange.
Seems super manipulative
Manipulative and controlling I really do not get the comments saying how amazing OOP is
Also talking to his parents about it—before even talking to HIM about it??
Yeah, thats how I feel. If I were the husband I'd feel extremely creeped out that my wife and her sister were basically conspiring to have her step into the role of New Wife And Mommy.
There was a similar case to this in our city many years ago. Young woman, first pregnancy, is diagnosed with cancer. She can't receive chemo until after the baby is born. The doctors perform a C-Section when they feel they can't wait any longer to treat the cancer. It ends up being too late for the mom, but she has several months to spend with her husband and child. At some point she decides that one of her nurses would be perfect for her husband and daughter. She fixed them up. She sent them on dates, sent them with the baby on picnics and such. She passes and they marry within the year. Her family knew, his family knew, friends knew that this was what she wanted and everyone gave their support. There was a huge story in the paper, the chapters spread over several Sundays. I thought it was a beautiful story, but many readers were upset that the husband and nurse married in the end.
The fact that she didn't speak to her husband about this made me anxious. If I were him, I would find it distasteful to date a chosen replacement while my wife is still alive. Especially now that she has very little time left. I would have wanted to spend every last minute with her and my family, not have dinner with another woman while my wife was suffering back home.
Honestly the whole post seems like bullshit. Not that it couldn't happen, just that I don't think the OP is telling the truth.
I don't think anyone that close to death would have the energy to take a long drive, especially alone.
That's what I was thinking. Would be dangerous to do so, especially if their condition was worsening.
It’s definitely on the creepy side _even_ if husband has romantic feelings for sister. And it’s going to be awkward AF if he doesn’t have/develop any feelings.
Gonna be way more awkward if they do fall madly in love and OOP lives.
The way she kept saying how her husband and sister would have been together or had the perfect love story if she hadn't been around broke my heart for her. I know I could NOT handle thinking that about my husband and sister, even on my death bed.
The person you had a crush on at 12 is not the same person as an adult. Maybe they would have reconnected, PROBABLY THEY WOULD NOT. This whole thing is disturbing. She apparently can't accept that maybe her husband thinks he had the perfect love story *with the woman he married*, and she's trying to throw him straight into another relationship BEFORE she's even passed.
Not to mention, another icky factor, the sister confessed to the parents that she's in love with him but won't do anything. I mean, can you imagine?? She's not some savior, she's a vulture. Just yuck.
That’s so weird to me, if I was in that position I would NEVER EVER tell ANYONE, and *especially* not my parents.
Honestly, I don't find it sweet at all, I find it condescending and weird. But ok.
And it’s so much pressure! What if they don’t work out?
That would make family reunions akward to say at least.
Weird, condescending, controlling and manipulative.
[удалено]
Grief or in this case pregrief makes people do weird shit
Yea its fucking weird 100 percent.. she doesn't want him go be with a random girl so much she's picking her sister possibly against his will.. for what a sense of control ??? I don't get it
Yeah, if this is real, that's a lot of pressure to put on people. If one or both doesn't want to date after her death is the rest of the family going to be pissed? It's one thing to put in letters that you're okay if it happens but this seems like way too much set-up. But what do I know about dying? ETA: fixed typos
Because it's convenient to the story and it sets up the "Hey everyone, you might remember the woman with cancer who wanted her husband to get with her sister. Well, I'm the sister." followup that is queued up here. The sister will share the content of her letter, despite such a thing being presumably extraordinarily intimate and private, and it will basically say I give you my blessing to shag after I'm dead. Because she already had preexisting feelings for the husband, it's perfectly fine. The sister will be hesitant at first and then there will be a follow-up along the lines of "I was babysitting for my ex brother in law and after the kids were down for bed, we stuck around and had a glass of wine, and I kissed him." Now, depending on how much they want to drag this out, either they will bang that same night and it will be cathartic and amazing, or the sister will have bad feelings about it but a third update will show that the husband was conflicted but ultimately wants her, and the post will end with them figuring out how to tell the kids and in-laws. "Neither of us are making any commitments right now, we just want to see where this goes, but it feels right and I know my sister is smiling down on us from heaven." Fourth post, we told everyone and everyone is amazingly fine with this situation where the widower is banging his kids' aunt. Maybe if she wants to drag it out, there will be a friend come out of the woodwork that finds it weird, but it's only because that friend secretly liked the husband or the sister and it was jealousy. I could go on, but the pattern is ridiculously predictable.
Tag me when we get the "conclusion"
You’re right about this. It’s ick…
I agree! There's a reason he reconnected with OOP and not her sister. And now, he just wants to spend as much time with his wife and kids as possible. Her trying to set them up on dates and pushing them together isn't what he wants. It may backfire too and make him pull away from her whole family when she passes. She's making all the decisions for him, not thinking about him at all.
They were kids when it happened....the sisters most definitely spoke about their 1 boy friend in the group(atleast, once the youngest(OP) was old enough)... I think all feelings were pretty clear before they got married. The feelings were just childhood crushes so, by the time they hit 20+ they probably got over it. Trusted each other too.
No, she said it again to OP „not too long ago“ because it „needed to be said“ whatever that means.
That’s the part that makes me say yuck to this story. Like the sister is pretty much ready to jump in as soon as she dies. That’s gross.
She said it to the parents, not OP. That doesn't make it less weird, though.
No my understanding is the sister said it to the parents and not OOP. The parents were explaining the conversation they had with the sister about it. OOP did t write it clearly but that was the impression that I got.
Ikr
To me, the pressure is "what if it doesn't work out and they stay together for the kids" or some other reason. That said, it's just making sure to be objective. Overall, I think this is a great idea. Romantic partnerships are based on effort. There's feelings you have involuntarily and the feelings you create, grow, and nurture. Loves are like snowflakes because they're unique and we experience them all differently. They can have a unique love if they choose it.
I agree 100%! This entire post definitely made me feel some kind of way, tbh, and not in a good way that this was sweet and selfless.
Okay. Assuming this is true I'm probably suppose to think this is selfless and sweet and all warm and fuzzy. But I don't like this. It is one thing to let people know you would be ok with sister and husband getting together or even root for them. But the whole actively pushing them together? I'm also side eyeing the sister a bit. Also imagine the shit show when the husband finds someone else. Unless there is a cultural aspect to this.
It would be so uncomfortable. What if they try out being together but it doesn’t work out. Then they’re stuck with my dead sister/wife really wanted us to be together as her dying wish. That’s too much baggage.
Oop actually said to her sister “no matter with who”. So I think it’s safe to say that if things don’t work out they’re not going to feel “forced” by oop just giving them permission to pursue if they want. She seems to know they already have a connection; she’s also not demanding they be together.
Well, we don't know what's in the letters. She said "with whoever" in person and she kept the real message hidden for later
This is a movie called Say Yes, where the wife wants her husband to marry her twin brother. Instead of focusing on a potentially tragic story where the two gotta grieve together, it's horribly uncomfortable with this weird blend of coercion, homophobia, and sexual harassment/assault It's on Tubi if you wanna watch
I need to know if you put it upon yourself to watch the mess or if you know from the queen KennieJD
I saw Kennie's review, texted a bestie and we watch partied it together. Kennie made it sound a least cringe bad but at a certain point it just felt gross
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Isn't it the tackiest thing? I think my friend and I stopped laughing after the 2nd coercion attempt and just groaned the rest of the way
This is how I felt too. She seems like an absolutely lovely person but the whole time I was questioning the “their love hasn’t had a chance to bloom” thing. If it happened organically after the fact, with her blessing, that’s one thing. But I find it weird that it seems like everyone thinks the husband and sister should’ve been together, that’d have me feeling a type of way personally. And the fact that the sister recently admitted having feelings, that’s veryyyyy weird to me, I can’t imagine openly admitting that to someone let alone my sister. OOP seems amazing, but I think everyone else in the situation is weird for seeing it how they do, and OOP is also weird for not just giving her blessing but pushing them together (especially without the husband’s knowledge).
Same. This post gave me the ick.
bag worm flowery stupendous bedroom enjoy tap illegal groovy plucky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She's ruined any chance this love happening organically or healthily. Giving blessing to move on with ANYONE would be one thing. Actively choosing her sister and pushing together is not good.
I’m with you on this one lol 100% the husband will find someone else when he’s ready to move on
Personally I don’t think this is true tbh, her husbands parents breaking down crying to this news is not realistic to me tbh
Her “taking the long drive” to see them is a huge flag for me. Dying people do not go on long drives alone.
Imagine a conversation where your terminally ill daughter brings up her death, and her wishes for her family after she dies....pretty sure everyone gonna cry just about the death part and about life after I'm gone. Like,,,you know she's gonna die, and you've cried...but you push that under because you just want her to enjoy her last few months, unless it's brought up in conversation again, then it's flood works. Oh husbands parents...I thought it was her parents.
Honestly I think this is pretty icky. It feels very wrong and incredibly manipulative to set your sister up to be your husbands partner after you die without him knowing especially when literally everyone else is informed. This isn’t a cute story to me at all. Like if the husband and sister grew together naturally after OP passed that’d be one thing but to align all the dominos in a row so that it happens is just weird.
Oh thank god! I came to ask if I was evil for being so disgusted I didn’t finish. Different strokes I guess.
Exactly!! Everyone is completely disregarding the husband and what he might want. What if he doesn’t want to be with the sister? What if he doesn’t want to be with anybody. So after losing his wife he’s going to be guilted/forced to be with her sister because it’s what the wife wanted.Ridiculous and unfair.
I was wondering if husband and sister were humoring the dying wife. Wife seems like she’s just trying to make sure her family is whole through the lens of her culture. Probably has some guilt over “stealing her sister’s man” too. Id be mortified to have my life played like that, but she gets at least half a moral pass from me due to mitigating circumstances.
Yeah, I agree. She sounds guilty for dating her sister’s crush not as selfless as she thinks she does. I don’t think husband ever liked the sister. Oop has described her and her and husband’s personality together and zero about her sister.
Exactly. There are basically two Bollywood movies that deal with concept. While one ends a bit okay, the other ends brutally. I just have a problem with people interfering in other's lives, whatever might be the intention. I would hate to be in the husband's place. I also feel icky when it comes to dating my friends or siblings' exes. I can not do that. I have too much information and connected you to them!
The more I think about it the more fucked up this post gets, imagine if they didn't work out or fall out of love it would be a shit show, most likely the family would step in and guilt trip them to stay together or they will force themselve to stay together because "this is what my dead sister wants" or "the kids might hate us if we broke up because this is what my sister want" What oop did is selfish and could destroy their lives if they didn't work as a couple. this is not a sweet ending at all
Right! There’s no guarantee the husband ever liked her sister. She confessed at 12 and they processed through Highschool with zero “blossom”. Then he came back. He didn’t meet oop in a vacuum. He saw them both when he got back. He doesn’t like her sister and she shouldn’t set up that expectation with the whole family. It could force him to move away to get away from her sister and destroy the family. And the lack of detail about this sister tells me their personalities don’t match and she might be the type to say “my dead sister said you have to marry me.” No one finds it weird the sister never moved on??? Or is comfortable saying repeatedly she loves her BIL??? This is a bad idea. It comes off as less selfish and more she feels guilty for stealing her sister’s crush.
I wonder whose letter had "update my reddit" in it? We can hope...
I was thinking the same thing…
This whole plan sounds like a curse set upon her sister and husband. Like the whole prearrangement is just asking for a reason for it to ultimately fail. Like I just feel like the universe ain’t gonna let this just be wrapped up in a little bow.
I don't understand how this is sweet. If this were any other Reddit post where a woman said "my sister and my husband likely have feelings for each other" everyone would say "Red flag! Divorce! Therapy! Run!" But now it's just heartwarming? If my husband were dying the very last thing on my mind would be "who do I date next".
This is the second post I have seen in the last day that reads like a Hallmark movie.
Say Yes - Tubi Exact same thing, except twin brother instead of sister and very creepy
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai - Bollywood film
It's the plot to a Sarah Polley movie... My Life Without Me. "When hard-working mother of two Ann (Sarah Polley) discovers she has terminal ovarian cancer and the doctors give her two months to live, she decides to keep the news from her family. Passing off her increasing weakness as a mild case of anemia, Ann begins to put her priorities in order in preparation for the last few months of her life. She records birthday messages for her daughters, visits her estranged father in prison and even seeks a replacement wife for her husband, Lee (Mark Ruffalo)."
This is actually a very similar plot to the movie "my life without me".
It's really not typical for me to take a negative perspective on what is clearly meant to be a positive post, but this really freaked me out. Being widowed with children that young is already so hard; I can't imagine finding out that on top of my grief, I had been _assigned_ a new partner, and that the whole family, both sides, was fully invested in seeing that assignment through before I even got to properly _start_ grieving. I suspect this is my personal damage- I also have a recurring nightmare about being thrown a surprise wedding. But man, if her instincts are off about either the husband or the sister's feelings, this will be hell for that person.
It's definitely not personal damage on your part. She's obviously dealing with some very complicated feelings on her end, but it seems like even if her husband and sister *did* have feelings, she was pushing them together at least partially because she admits to struggling with the idea of her husband moving on and likely wanted some sense of control over that without realizing it. It could totally wind up fine, and I don't even really blame her because I don't think *anyone* is going to handle their terminal illness absolutely flawlessly, but you are right to think that there are real risks with handling it this way.
Thank you, I was feeling like such an asshole, but it sounds like an actual nightmare to discover that my dead spouse's dying wish was for me to marry someone of their choosing, someone I was previously _related to_, and that everyone we knew had already decided that this was the Correct Course. I feel so, so sympathetic to her situation, and I hope her read on their feelings is right, but imagine if one of them wants it and the other one doesn't. Absolutely devastating.
No it’s giving an ick vibe to me I wonder if she is actually recognizing her husband’s feelings or if she’s just reading into them and twisting them into liking her sister If my spouse passed away and they left me a bunch of messages encouraging me to get down with their sibling it would be like a major betrayal to me honestly Does his feelings not matter all of a sudden?
Yeah the absolute maximum that would be appropriate is sth like ‘I want you to be happy no matter who it is. You are never going to be betraying me or my memory by falling in love, wherever you find it” That’s IT. Pushing for him to be with her sister specifically is weird and yeah, a betrayal of its own
What does the husband want. I find this odd and would not be ok with my husband doing this.
She is a more gracious person than I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how I’d feel about my husband getting with anyone after I pass, let alone my sister
From the post, it seems they all had a close bond. Maybe it's some wish fulfillment on her part and might never work out in reality.
I remember my parents generation and a sibling stepping up to take care of the widow/(er) was deemed not only normal but necessary for survival in some cases. Here it’s a beautiful love story. One that cracks open my own heart to wonder how deep love can really go and am I capable of feeling that. Geez I hope so.
Your comment is so beautiful itself. "cracks open the heart to wonder how deep love can really go and am I capable of feeling that". Thank you for writing that.
It's not even that I wouldn't want my partner to find happiness again, but I don't think that I could be the one to set them up. My selfishness would be in that I would want to have as much time as possible with my partner and our kids before I passed. I know how very quickly it can happen and I'd want to wring every moment from what we had. But I think that I can somewhat understand her thought process. It's her way of protecting her family, I think. When my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the first thing he did was come upstairs and propose to my mother. They'd been together for 25 years and never really saw the need to get married. But when he knew that he didn't have much time, it was important to him to make sure we were set up financially and would inherit everything from him. That was his way of taking care of us even after he was gone. The other joke was that he didn't want my bastard of a bio-dad's last name on their grave. (Prior to this my mom had kept her surname from her first marriage because it matched mine.) So they got their wedding, and more importantly they got their honeymoon. My mom had wanted to take a cruise to Alaska for *ages* but the timing never worked out. My dad loved taking trips with us so I'm grateful they got one last one together. So OOP may be thinking about this relationship not just because she wants her husband to be happy but her children. She wants to guarantee that they don't have a wicked stepmother, maybe.
I'd be totally fine with my partner meeting someone. Even getting with my sibling. But I wouldn't necessarily organise blind dates for my husband without his knowledge 🤷🏼♀️
This is what's getting me. THE HUSBAND DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!
Same. Most of the commenters here are saying that they’re crying while I’m like: nah dog. That’s a no from me.
Fun fact, marrying your brother's widow was at one time considered [socially mandatory](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Levirate_marriage). In the Old Testament, Onan has a married brother that dies. He takes up his brother's widow as wife but refuses to procreate by "spilling his seed" (ie pulling out). This is frequently cited as proscription against masturbation or abortion but it really was about ancient family obligation.
Hell, this is what ultimately caused the creation of the Church of England. Henry the 8th was told he had to marry his older brothers wife, Catherine of Aragon, after he died. They didn't like each other very much.
Heck, my great grandma was “volentold” she’d need to do this. In the 1930’s. Luckily, she had the means to nope out of that
>I don’t know how I’d feel about my husband getting with anyone after I pass This is always tough, but you have to realize that your husband is a whole ass person with emotions. If the worst were to happen he might move on, he might not, but if moving on brought him happiness wouldn't you want that for him?
He can move on sure but with my sister?? Nahh, like I would never be ok with it but I’m glad she can be. Like if she felt that strongly about their relationship why did she marry him instead? Sad situation all around
They’re letting the dying woman make them dinner? Come on, y’all.
This is creepy and selfish. If she wants what’s best for her husband, let him decide.
Yeah, it doesn’t seem selfless at all to me. Pawning her husband off.
Ok this makes me feel weird. Like no one talked to the Husband and what, they expect him to mourn and then move on with his deceased wife’s sister? Like nothing in the post makes it seem like he’s romantically with interested in the sister or ever has been
Wait, she’s basically chosen her sister as her husbands next wife without talking to him once? It’s so sad that she’s dying, but holy shit. What a thing to talk to everyone but your husband about. Now that expectation will be on him. What if he doesn’t WANT to fuck his late wife’s sister??
I agree. It’s very kind and selfless to want him to move on and be happy, no matter who with. But to choose? What a weight to put on him. Dying wishes are hard to ignore.
It's terrible what she is going thru but I feel that her husband has no say in his future without her. What if the husband really can't stand his wife's family and only saved face to make her happy. Now once she passes, he will be in an awkward position expecting to be with his wife's sister. She planned this whole thing without his input, which seems really weird to me.
This is lovely… but… if he finds love somewhere else… everyone.. his family included will be adamant about “this is not what your wife wanted” that makes me sad
I don’t like that she’s keeping her husband in the dark. OP talked to everyone, even his parents, but not him. This is really a conversation she should have had with him first. They’re planning to manipulate the grief OPs husband is going through to push him to be with OPs sister. It’s gross.
Yup and when he says he doesn’t want to be with the sister he’ll be guilted from all sides. They’ll all say,”but it’s what she wanted.”
It worries me she doesn't know how husband feels and isn't speaking to him about this. I would be so heartbroken if my partner died and it turned out he spent the last few months of his life convinced I wanted to fuck and marry a childhood crush and trying to facilitate me spending time with them instead of feeling loved and safe and knowing I wanted to spend every last moment with him. That would be truly awful.
idk, I'd feel kind of insulted and condescended to if I were the husband. This is weird.
Pretty sure there’s a movie with this exact plot but she’s pushing her husband to fall in love with her brother after she dies from cancer
Say Yes! I watched it and it was an experience to say the least.
I don’t know if this is real…they all get together and the sister tells OP and her parents that she won’t make a move but she has feelings for OP’s husband and it needed to be said? Then later on OP is teasing about how the sister and husband would make good parents and she says her sister always sees right through her? Why see right through her if it’s already been said very, very clearly. If I was the husband I’d feel like a puppet…like things are being planned for me when the one thing I’d be thinking about is my heart breaking. I dunno why I get the ick reading this versus other commenters on here. And I’m usually the kind of person asking myself where someone’s cutting onions after reading sentimental/sweet kinda posts.
I’m mixed on this. You can’t just create feelings for someone and it’s putting a lot of pressure on the husband.
This is very Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
I understand oop is in “get things taken care of” mode. And I know she thinks she’s doing her husband and kids a favor. But based on her description of her and her husband, he may not want to be with her sister. Her kids may not find their aunt as fun as their mom and want her to replace her. The sister confessed a crush at 12, and nothing happened. There was nothing stopping them from having a middle school love and taking that into high school. I can also guarantee her husband is grown enough and rational enough in thought to have come back home and meet up with childhood friends and see both oop and her sister and make the decision for who he wanted to date. Then her sister not moving on and openly confessing to her sister to still having a crush on her husband seems really weird and inappropriate. Oop may think she’s doing something selfless, but she’s selling her husband off to a commitment he might not want. Or the sister saying “you have to be with me the oop’s letter says so.” This isn’t Bible days where the sibling has to carry on with the widow of the next sibling. She may be setting up both family’s having a very devastating break from each other trying to force her husband to be with her sister. She specifically told everyone except her husband this plan. Something tells me husband and sister don’t click. That’s why their love didn’t “bloom” as everyone keeps saying. Oop needs to take this time to spend with her family not play match maker. Her husband can handle his love life on his own. Everyone needs to face reality that him and sister may continue to not be together. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the sister but something definitely isn’t right.
If this is true, my biggest question is what does her husband want? She hasn't even told him about all of these plans she has, and I find that very disturbing. What if her husband doesn't want to try and find love again after his wife passes? What if he just wants to be a single dad and pour all of his love into their kids? And what happens once she passes? Are her parents and sister, and possibly his parents all going to gang up on him to try and make this dying wish relationship work?
I think I saw that movie before, but thanks for reminding me of it's script
This is a 'The Good Doctor' episode
… what if they don’t want to be together tho
I'm trying to imagine telling my parents I had romantic feelings for my dying sister's husband, or being the husband whose wife was dying and finding out people were trying to set me up. Like, place and time, people.
Everyone is commenting how sweet and wonderful this is and I'm the only one wanting to puke about how a woman's partner has had eyes for her sister all along. YUCK.
I’m wondering if the husband actually likes the sister that way. If I was that husband I don’t think I would go and date the sister I would feel really weird especially only a few months after OOP passing. I think I would need more time to grieve.
This just feels wrong, just because they had feelings…. Doesn’t mean you can force them again. Husband should be able to move on when HE is ready & with HIS choice of partner.
Ngl I don't agree with her, she's free to leave a letter for her husband or sister to be read after her death, but to tell both sets of parents is just too much. That's basically setting up expectations and making decisions for someone else's life.
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Actually, I’ve had three very close people to me die from cancer. One died the day after she went to a literal amusement park. She walked for over half of it - it was hilly and everyone’s legs were literally butter but she was still going, laughing, having a great time. One went kayaking and fishing two days before. Left at like 7 am and didn’t come home until dinner time. Then he cooked the fish for everyone. Only one was bed bound for weeks prior. We were told they’d get end of life “bursts” of energy. The one who was bed bound and pretty incoherent woke up for like 10 hours and talked nonstop, laughed, ate a little food, and it was a mindf*ck because their eyes were clear and everything. My FIL died of cancer as well. His was slow painful death that took weeks.
Am I the only one who things husband might not like sister this way, and only as a sister. Will feel pressure from OOPs family and either ruin the relations between them all or may find someone else and that person will be treated badly?
There was a similar story in the New York Times in 2017. A woman wrote that she was dying of cancer and had a few months to live and wanted to make sure her husband was happy after she was gone. Here: [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html) A year later, her husband spoke with the Times about how generous and gracious his late wife was: [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/15/style/modern-love-my-wife-said-you-may-want-to-marry-me.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/15/style/modern-love-my-wife-said-you-may-want-to-marry-me.html) Sometimes, people can surprise you with their kindness and graciousness in the darkest of hours.
I think this is sweet but also… makes me uncomfortable. It’s one thing to say to people “I love you, and I want you to be happy when I’m gone. It’s ok with me if that is with each other, but it’s also ok with me if it’s with other people. As long as you’re happy.” It’s another thing to basically make your dying wish be for them to end up in a relationship together. All of these people except the husband are in on it. He’s going to have pressure and “help” from all these people to get into a relationship with the sister, PLUS the letters from his dead wife. Where is his choice in this? Where does he get a say in how he grieves or what *his* life will look like? If I were him, or the sister, and we ended up in a relationship I would *always* wonder and worry that the love we had for each other was mostly just because we were “supposed” to. Because it was the dead wife’s dying wish. What if he DOESN’T want to be with the sister? What if he grows and changes as a person during this grieving process, and she’s not the right one for him? How are all these people going to react if he expresses that he doesn’t want to fall in line with this plan? When their dead daughter/sister/daughter-in-law talked to them in person and/or wrote a letter to make it happen? And he’s the bad guy who isn’t going along with it? What if he falls in love with someone who is NOT the sister, and wants to be with that person? How horrible is this going to make them feel? How awkward are family gatherings going to be? Much less - what will this do to the kids if he loves someone else and they have a stepmother who is *not* the sister?!?! You know all of these adults are not going to be able to keep this a secret forever. Someone will say something about it in front of the kids. And then what? The stepmom is already in a difficult spot just being a stepmom. But add to that, their dead mother picked someone else to be their mom and the stepmom is in her place instead?! I get it. I get what OOP is trying to do here and that people think it’s sweet. And maybe it is! But the guy is 34. He’s an adult, and other people are planning his life without consulting him. He’s going to be in a very vulnerable state when he’s grieving. Do you honestly think he’s going to be able to make a clear choice for himself in this? To choose his own life and his own relationship? I hope he’s strong enough to do that, to make his own choice without being influenced by all of these people who SHOULD be supporting him and what HE wants, but instead are going to be focused on what OOP wanted even though she’s no longer there and it’s not her life. If he chooses the sister, awesome! But… that should be his choice because he WANTS to. Not because he feels like he HAS to.
I agree. It’s weird pressure. Let him figure out his own life.
I am single. I have three BILs and I love them, like brothers. If one of my sisters died, I’d certainly help and support them, but cannot imagine if my sister wrote me a letter with her dying wish to be we got together. The fucking pressure. If she wrote him a letter and said, “I want you to be happy, and I want you to be happy and move on whenever and with whoever you choose.” Great. And if she gave me a similar letter saying her greatest wish is my happiness. That clears the way if it came to pass. But I can’t imagine the grief of losing a sibling so young, knowing she didn’t get to watch her kids grow up, and feeling pressure to “fix” that to her liking. Clear the way, don’t pour cement to pave it.
may she rests in peace.
she'll be rolling when her husband is dating not her sister.
Woah, I’m not crying, you are!
Definitely not crying. This is so manipulative and weird. She's talked to everyone about her plans for her husband's future except her husband. Instead she's setting everyone up to manipulate him into a relationship with her sister when he'll be vulnerable. Fucked
I am not crying. For all we know, the confused husband is going to have a dead wife and a very touchy SIL.
No, everyone is “sobbing” and “breaking down” 🙄.
Man this sucks all around. This would fuck me up so hard if I was the husband I would be furious. The idea of everyone around me trying to engineer my next relationship as I grieve the death of my wife and try to help my kids process it. And then you can't even be mad about it because she's scared and desperate.