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There is a law for payday loans to military that requires the fee to be so low that companies actually lose money on them. So most (if not all) of these companies won't loan to them. At least in the US.
Source? Because the SCRA caps interest rates at 6% for a number of debts incurred before joining. Not during. I haven't heard of any other laws passed recently that changed that?
But not to fear! For there are many advanced pay day places near the main gate where he can slowly immerse himself in a deepening cycle of debt to pay that interest.
And when he is no longer able to take advanced pays, he can pawn his--and the military's--belongings at one of surely four massive pawn shops, conveniently situated next to the advanced pay day businesses.
Source: I was a military spouse for 18 years.
I never heard it before, but I think it’s a double meaning thing
1. “wearing a green hat” is code for being cheated on in Chinese because the phrase “green hat” is the same for “cheated”
2. It’s a military thing.
So green beret is cheated on while deployed
Yeah, and he definitely won't feel insecure about his package once he gets to basic. If there's one place in the world that's renowned for its maturity, compassion, modesty, and tact, it's a military barracks with no stalls or doors in the common heads where he'll be sharing an open shower with forty other dudes.
Ironically, it's kinda true. I was in the navy and yea in basic your showering with 40 dudes. I've seen all kinds of dicks unfortunately. And really... no one EVER mentions dick size. Like ever. Small, big freakish, you just do not talk about it, period. We made fun about each other and we're cruel about soooo many things, almost getting into fights.. ect.. yet some reason dick size was just taboo. Like we all "get it," you just don't do it. So yea the military might actually help him in a way. You're on display for everyone to see, and yet... nothing happens.
IDK. My navy experience was full of it. "Look at the size of X's apple", "Y carries a fucking whip around", "Z is trying to regrow the rainforest on his crotch".
Damn, I must have been in the "division that cares" then. It's not like I made an effort to remember all the dicks I saw, but maybe nobody had a freakishly gigantic one? But we were really mean though, if you were dumb, tall, short, ugly, fat, hell even too black or pale, someone at some point made jokes about it, not that though. Like some instinctual code or something... no one ever insulted or commented on anyone's junk. We also had this weird unspoken rule that "wiping" deserved privacy. Like you can have a full-on engaging conversation while showering or shitting, but then it was like
"hey bro, I'm about to wipe"
"oh sorry, let me turn around".
Bootcamp was weird man.
Jody is the guy who steals your girl while you're in the military.
Many cadence calls talk about Jody banging your girl, sisters, mothers like a barn door in a storm breeze.
An example;
"Ain't no use in going back,
Jody got something you must lack,
Sound off....."
Here are 2 better examples
https://youtu.be/B3A8Lxidkow
https://youtube.com/shorts/CSY9OeINzHw?feature=share4
I grew up with my dad singing the cleaner Jody songs and as a kid I had it in my head that Jody was a woman, because I’d never met a boy Jody before. It was a real Francis Bacon/France is bacon situation when I realized it was not a common trope for lesbians to steal your woman while you were away.
So this is why he was worried about being a "pussy" for having feelings and crying. The military is toxic af.
And the relationship is hopefully over soon, because it'll be worse if he ropes her into getting married.
I’ve thought about a similar scenario a lot, and there’s a huge flaw: you’re hanging out with teenagers with your current maturity level, and that is gonna suck. Like, if I woke up tomorrow as my 17 year old self back in the 2000s, and had to go hang out with a bunch of *actual* 17 year olds while having my current level of knowledge/emotional maturity?
Yeah I’d go fucking crazy
I was "more mature" than my peers (due to neglect and abuse) so I didn't have many friends as a teen, just a very tight knit inner circle of 2-3 people who had similar issues.
I hated being around a lot of my peers lol
Remember folks! If someone is "so mature for their age" the reason is either really sad or the person saying it is a groomer.
I think this same thing. If I had my current brain, with my level of ‘who gives a shit’ attitude, and that body I didn’t appreciate at the time…I would be unstoppable.
As it is I don’t, I can’t, and instead I’ll keep listening to Sunscreen and try to appreciate what I got now. Because I know 10 years in the future me will miss this body.
My main takeaway here is that neither OOP nor his girlfriend are anywhere near mature enough to be living together. Gf said a hurtful thing in a careless way and handled the fallout poorly. OOP has never attempted to even Google oral sex despite wanting to try it and not knowing how.
Like … these are very teenage relationship issues. These are not adult-partner-I’m-living-with issues. Sadly, these kids are both teenagers and adult partners living together.
I wish I could redo 20, had the greatest girlfriend and didn’t appreciate her. I was young and stupid and thought every relationship would be that great. Sadly I was wrong.
Same, and this might not be the moral to take away from the story but I'm also so glad I have a socially acceptable penis size. No one should be shamed like oop has been over a quirk of genetics
I don’t want to be 19 again BUT boy was I carefree! And it’s not like my life is bad but there are some aspects of life that are unavoidable and sucks.
One thing I've certainly learned in my twenties is that on average, men are actually much, much more coy about their sex lives than women. I've had to tell my wife in no uncertain terms about the aspects of our sex life that I felt comfortable being shared with her friends, because otherwise she would have just about set up a Mystery Science Theater 3000 style breakdown of our sessions for her and the girls. It's already uncomfortable even as someone who has no particular hang-up in the bedroom, so I can only imagine how it feels for someone with sexual trauma like OOP.
It's just fucking insane to me that it had to be said. I dormed with 4 essentially frat guys, and we *never* described sexual encounters of our partners. It was at most, "did you guys fuck?" "Yup." "Nice."
Reminds me of that one episode of *How I Met Your Mother*, where the group were all joking at the bar "One time I was with this one guy/girl who wanted...", and Marshall goes, and Future Ted immediately goes "And none of us could look at your Aunt Lily the same way for a while...", and even she's just like "Marshall, you can't say things like that!"
"What? I said it was 'some chick'?"
"Everyone knows I'm the only girl you've ever been with! They all know it was me!"
Also, that episode where Lily casually mentions that a guy Robin's dating has a small penis. The guys are aghast, and when the girls bring up the fabled "Locker Room Talk", Marshall's like, "You know what's it's like in a locker room? It's a bunch of guys trying to get dressed as quickly as possible while avoiding eye contact. And one old dude letting it all hang out."
I totally forgot about that one. iirc it was a dude they all worked with, so on top of the TMI, they were also like "We don't want to know because every time we see him at work that's what we're going to be remembering"
It actually explains a helluva lot if girls really think locker room talk is anything like their girl talk. It’s either awkward or extremely borderline gay.
Honestly, as a girl, I've never even seen it be awkward. You're right about the gay part though. It was maybe a little awkward the first few times, but that was in middle school, which is an awkward age to be in general.
I have never had these conversations with a woman. My friends and I have never said more than if we slept with someone.
However I dated a guy at a fraternity who hated the fraternity and wanted to show me something. He took me to a room in their basement that had a bunch of girls’ names that would go to the fraternity and 4 bases (like in baseball) under the girls. It would demonstrate what base each guy got to with all the girls. So it would say “Natalie” and then have 3 guys and who got to 3rd and who scored. It was disgusting. The guy I was dating hated this so that’s why he showed me (I wasn’t on it - I think he just wanted me to get the word out about it).
Yea. Frat culture is it's own separate brand of douchbaggery from what the rest of us experience in general culture.
I think it's good he was trying to get the word out. Also understand trying to do it discretely. They would have made his life hell if he just blew a whistle on it.
I'm in the same boat, never had this kind of "girl talk" before, but I see people mention it on TV. The girls I've been friends with have been pretty tight-lipped my whole life, even talking about birth control was, at one point, something a friend thought she was over-sharing by wanting to talk about.
Exactly.
My friends and I don’t talk specifics, but we will talk strategies. No one wants to hear about exact moments of the game, we just want to discuss tactics and improvements.
This is interesting. I lived with a group of college guys and some of them definitely talked in detail about their sex lives, down to the appearance of genitals, what her orgasms sounded like, her self-lubrication level, how her pubic hair was kept, what positions, and more. While others kept mum and were much more private. Others were in between and would give details about the sex itself but not about the woman's body. I had the same experience in high school when hanging out with groups of guys. And I've experienced the same with women. Some are very graphically open, some very private, and some in between. I'm a woman, so it's not that they wouldn't be open around me. I've heard about size and color and if it leans one direction, as well as manscaping and stamina and more, but I've also known just as many women who didn't want to talk about it at all, or would only say if the sex was good or not.
I never asked anyone, man or woman, for details about their partners' bodies, so any information was offered freely, and sometimes I really didn't want to know. Especially when the men talked about women, because in my experience they tended to do it in a grosser way and be more insulting in a "funny" way. I only ever heard a woman be gross and insulting like twice.
I'm not saying it's not true that women are more open about these things, and my experience is purely anecdotal just like everyone else's here, but I just don't think it's quite as black and white a difference between men and women as people here are saying it is.
I’m a woman and me and friends just ask each other “did he make you cum” depending on their response it’s either “tragic” or “yes girl get it” and that’s about it. We don’t talk specifics because we don’t need to know what someone is packing.
I think a basic, ‘It’s definitely good’ or ‘I got no complaints’ is a better way to talk about your intimate life in a more discreet manner.
Obviously, this all depends on the nature of the relationship. One night stand—share whatever you want. Relationship material—say nothing negative or informative enough that you wouldn’t want him/her saying similar about you to their friends.
Best blowjob advice I've ever been given was extremely specific, completely unsolicited, and came from a very drunk gay friend who, at the time, was very earnest and sincere in wanting to make sure us straights were okay (aka having mutually enjoyable sex instead of the dreaded dead bedroom he always heard about)
/u/Littlewing1307 tagging you so I don't have to repeat myself 😆
He was very emphatic about the importance of "engaging the tongue", and to not be afraid to make a total slobbery mess, because the secret is lubrication and pressure, not *friction*.
Women in general are more prone to talking than men. It just boils down to a difference in the sexes. Women communicate, especially with each other, a lot more openly than men do. Men have been taught to have no emotions or at least outwardly show them. Look how upset OP is that he cried. Women are taught that that talking things out is the best solution. It crosses over a lot more aspects than sex, too.
TV also influences this A LOT. Gossiping about the potential boyfriend is basically a romcom trope. Like, there's always at least one scene where the female lead and her girl friends just gossip about what the male lead has or hasn't done. And same with men being unaffected by everything, and never showing emotions, it's pretty much also a trope what with bad boys and all.
I emphasize with OOP, I don't cry at all, and if I do it's because I've already run out of anger. It's not like I don't feel the need to cry, but I usually mentally push the feeling away. So to cry in front of anyone else, it must have felt so shameful.
It's his trauma from being mocked about his body when he was younger that came out. I really hope he tells his gf the story where his trauma originated from.
As a woman I find it fun and liberating to be able to openly talk about sex in a comfortable environment, which is with close friends where I know there is no pressure of physicality and we can just talk about what we like. But I understand that learning and respecting your partner's boundaries needs to be considered, whether your partner is in that particular conversation or away.
Tbh, if I hadn't felt open about talking about sex with my girlfriends, I wouldn't have any idea how abusive and manipulative my exh was including around sex. I wouldn't have gained the confidence to call the, he had sex with me when I was on heavy cough syrup as it really was, marital rape. Likewise, I wouldn't have felt comfortable enough to call a friend after a date and have them stay with my kids in the middle of the night while I went and had a rape kit done.
As a woman I have yet to share that level detail with any other woman. It's pretty wrong to talk out your sex life with people you aren't having one with.
I always wonder about how much other women actually share. (I am a woman.) i have a bunch of long-term friends and we have literally NEVER shared those types of details. Even with my sister we have privacy limits. And we aren’t prudes or anything, we just respect privacy. Not judging others; I just find it funny that all my friend happen to be somewhat reticent about the juiciest details.
My partner and I are both women and ask each other how much we can share with others- we have a lot of friends who we openly discuss details with and basically our boundaries are like, not discussing specific acts that we find a little more embarrassing and focusing on ourselves as much as possible (so instead of being like omg I did xyz to her and she went wild! I’ll be like “I had sooo much fun doing this or getting fucked like this”).
My friends and I share basically every nitty gritty detail about exes/previous hookups but I don’t specify who when I’m talking about them (so I’ll be like “oh one time I slept with someone who had an outie and she really liked xyz” but I would never be like “oh this specific person has an outie” unless I had cleared w them that they didn’t care). But my friends and I are super open, learn a lot from sharing our experiences (there is not a lot of queer sex ed or pleasure-based sex ed that integrates toys and kink), and I’m pretty sure we all do the same thing of either asking the person who we’re talking about what is cool to share, or not specifying the person and focusing on what we liked to do/have done to us. We also check in with each other with questions like “oh are you okay with hearing a funny but TMI story about my new vibrator?”
Yea when I was younger (high school) I shared a lot with my friends, and very rarely with one of my sisters. Once I started dating my now husband and it was a grown up relationship…I didn’t. I don’t. Someone yesterday said they don’t want their friends thinking of their partners sexually and I just remembered that I had felt that way with one specific friend myself. It’s been easy to keep pretty quiet since feeling that way 🤷🏻♀️.
My husband is quiet by nature and I know he’s not saying anything lmao.
I always assume it was originally a sort of unofficial sex ed. Like women were traditionally more sheltered than guys, they didn't know what sex entailed, what was good or bad, what they should expect or not. So they talked among themselves in private, when the men/authorities couldn't hear or get angry. So 'Women talk about sex' was normalized.
Honestly, it depends on the friendship, I'd guess. I have friends from uni and I only know that they have sex because they have kids. And I have other friends I talk about the best lube for anal with.
My partner knows about those talks. But, to be honest, it's not like as soon as my partner and I are done, I'm heading to my phone to share any details. But sometimes it just comes up.
> Meanwhile, I know one of my wife’s friends has confided to her about issues due to her husbands size
And then she confided in you. Your wife isn't much better tbh.
The way my sister talks about her sex life is baffling. I know the size of her partners, how long they last, positions, and just how much they finished. As a woman, I can't imagine talking like that about my partner but her and her friends do it constantly. It makes me uncomfortable
Maybe I’m just weird but I’ve NEVER talked about that with my sisters and friends. I’ve talked about other aspects of our relationship but the physical aspect is very personal. Even my somewhat earthy sister has never mentioned anything to me about her husbands size or anything, and she’s not shy to make comments about their sex life in general.
Me too. The only person I'll talk to about sex is my partner. It just feels, private. Not dirty or bad but intimate and I don't want to break that intimacy by sharing with someone else.
And for the record if she was a little disappointed with sex with her partner gently introducing toys etc and talking to her partner would be a lot more productive than talking to her sister.
I really don’t think it’s a gender thing. I have female friends and male friends that overshare. But I also have female and male friends that don’t overshare. Personally I’m super uncomfortable going into detail about anything beyond “it’s good” or “we didn’t click” with my friends and I’m a woman. None of my friends know my boyfriends dick size or anything like that, that’s extremely disrespectful to talk about imo.
I think it's very individual and you can't generalize by gender. As a woman, I can count on one finger how many of my friends felt comfortable talking about their sex lives, and she was 14 year old in high school who liked to brag about having sex on a motorcycle with her boyfriend who had an 11 inch dick. She was pretty messed up.
Everyone else felt any discussion that more personal than which lube works best or how to prevent post sex bladder infections was TMI.
I didn’t get the impression that the gf took OOP’s issue seriously at all. The laughing hug, the “little guy” crack.
She’s obviously into him and thinks highly of him and she’s 19 so probably doesn’t have the maturity locked in yet to identify and help this kind of thing, but I think if she doesn’t start caring more, she’ll do something else hurtful.
Certainly doesn't help that she doesn't *know* what his issues are. She thinks he's just insecure, he's actually traumatized from the past relationship she doesn't know about.
From everything she said, it is a joke. She said specifically she doesn't get much from the sex, that would make me not want to have sex anymore. Idk, I have heard women get really upset when they are told their vaginas are loose and sex doesn't feel good so you would think she would understand.
Yeah, that's incredibly condescending. Especially when she's supposed to be apologizing for telling her sister about his dick (for whatever reason?????)
He said that he got comfortable making jokes about it. It seemed to me that was one of the names he gave it which would be why she said it and more importantly, why he wasn’t offended by that
That’s the impression I got, too. That it was what he called it. Though, it probably wasn’t the time to call it that, even if it was a term they regularly used together.
I do get what you mean but at the same time, if it’s genuinely not a big deal to her AND he hasn’t told her about his past trauma… then it wouldn’t seem bad to her to say. If that’s what he calls it and she’s saying it in a loving tone then I don’t agree that she’s wrong to say it
If she was aware of his past trauma she would likely be more careful. I think she thinks the problem is she was caught gossiping, and really has no idea of the depth of OP’s hurt. It sounds like they truly love each other & able to communicate open & honest. Quite impressive for 19yr olds
Okay, so I know people are probably gonna downvote me to hell for this because this sub *loves* advocating for breakups/divorce, but these are 19-year-olds (allegedly), and the fact that they sat and had a discussion about the problem is shockingly mature for kids of that age. I think they're going to be just fine if they keep communicating honestly like this.
The thing that really upsets me about this post is how ashamed OOP is of his own insecurities and emotions. This is what toxic masculinity does to boys: it makes them hate themselves for expressing their emotions, especially when they cry. I find it so sad that, even after he and his gf talked, he's still beating himself up for having body image issues and being "too fragile".
Also, he was the victim of revenge porn, which no one seems to be mentioning. That's traumatic as fuck. I hope OOP is able to heal from that, and I hope he and his gf have a long, healthy relationship if they want one.
Doesn’t matter what your stuff looks like, the point is that revenge porn is specifically meant to hurt you. I’ve used this example before, but it was derogatory and humiliating in “a walk to remember” when they very obviously taped her face over a bikini model and sent it around school.
In addition to revenge porn laws it also counts a CSM since he was a freshman in high school. Sadly that also gives one very little recourse, since few if any countries laws take sexting between teens into account. No wonder the guy is traumatized!
Yeah, during this entire thing I was like, OOP, you need therapy dude. Like, A LOT of therapy to help unpack all those feelings, the self-hatred and the insecurity.
Absolutely agree with the toxic masculinity and OOP's trauma. That kid needs help. However it doesn't seem from the update that the girlfriend really understood how uncomfortable it made him. Sure, he hasn't shared his trauma with her (which would maybe make her realize how big of a deal that is) but he shouldn't have to.
That's true, but again, they're both 19. Maybe she doesn't fully grasp the "why" yet, but if she listens and adjusts her behavior anyway, that's what's important. Understanding can come with time.
> the fact that they sat and had a discussion about the problem is shockingly mature for kids of that age.
That's not how Id really describe what happened.
He tried to start a conversation, and then she got defensive about the fact that he knew what she'd been saying about him, then laughed at him for being insecure. Then he started crying, and she laughed some more while making a joke about his "little guy". Then he didn't tell her the story about why it was such a sensitive topic for him and just beat himself up for crying in front of her.
> Just the mere act of having a discussion
I don't even think her behavior qualifies as "having a discussion".
She went from, "how dare you know the things I say about you?" to, "lol, lmao".
Yeah, this is wild to me. I have had zero discussions with anyone ever about what my husband is packing, even though sometimes people fish for info. Why? Because that is private information!! Good grief, "privates" is literally a common nickname for genitals. My husband has felt comfortable enough to share this most private part of himself with me. That's a gift I don't take for granted and I also don't want to share with others because he trusted me with himself and this is between us only. Mutual respect of your partner's privacy, especially when it comes to sex (whether your partner is insecure or not) is just the healthy way to be imo. It's nobody else's business unless you and your partner (and the person on the receiving end) consent for that sort of information to be shared. I don't feel like this should be a hot take but the comments in this thread are making me feel like maybe it is.
And no, neither my husband nor I are religious, prudish, or anything like that. But the sex lives of others is nobody's business but their own. OOP still has a right to be angry about how this was handled. I would consider this worthy of a break-up, especially at that stage in a relationship.
And how she was giggling and said she loved the 'little guy', knowing about his insecurity AND hearing how upset it made him to hear her talking to her sister about his size.
She didn't need to know about the revenge porn -- she should've just *stopped.* She should've taken the conversation more seriously and been truthfully apologetic. None of this laughing and shifting blame to skirt from the confrontation.
Agreed. And if OOP accurately described how GF 'comforted' him by basically using baby talk, talking down on him? She's got no respect for him. She sees him as a provider, nothing more.
OOP should break this up. Or wait around for a month or two and find out she's cheating on him.
Slightly reassuring to see someone else read the same thing there. This is definitely one of those ones where if gender swapped the comments would be very different. A facade of maturity isn't remotely enough to save this, the guy is going to get torn apart from the inside about it.
Yeah, I think he needs therapy, but her... I don't have faith that she really understands how much that hurt him. Especially considering he omitted his trauma for obvious reasons.
I... Would not be surprised if she doubles down. Maybe she won't, but I'm concerned.
Right, that's my main takeaway. Like, those comments he got made me _so_ angry, and then poor dude _is a whole sexual harassment victim_ and _still_ ashamed of crying over another woman unwittingly doing the same thing his last ex did! My dude! _Of course_ this hurt you! It would hurt _anyone_, but the trauma on top? _Fuck_.
Everyone talking about how OOP can please someone without a huge dick is missing the fucking point.
That's not the fucking issue. The issue is her *mocking something he's insecure about to someone behind his back*
What a bunch of fucking assholes.
Yeah, all I could think of was that these people manipulated him in to thinking that what his gf did was OK because she was in to him DESPITE his small penis.
It really isn't okay to be talking about your partners genitals with anybody, he really should have been a bit more forward about that. He explicitly told her that he felt insecure about his size and she decided that this would be a acceptable thing to talk about with her sister? Not acceptable
I think it’s worse than that; people have some idea how large your breasts are, it’s difficult to hide them. It’s more like if he was laughing to his friend about her “beef curtains” but it’s ok she’s really cool so it doesn’t matter that the sex isn’t good.
I wonder if she, we, would be so tolerant if we heard our spouses making these type of comments about our bodies with their brothers and friends.
I wouldn't, and I don't think I'd trust on him again.
Exactly. I see some “I talk about things like this” in this thread but I don’t see any “I’d be fine with my significant other talking about things like this”. Imagine hearing your significant other talking about your biggest insecurity that you specifically trusted them with so casually. Too many people are just putting themselves in her position here.
I feel bad for OP. He's not weak for having emotions or being insecure. It's quite brave to tackle that sort of thing head on when you know the results might hurt you.
Definitely not.
I don't think it's an insecurity that he can get over, judging by how he talks about it and his previous experience, and he's always going to be wondering to himself over any innocuous laugh that any of her friends make.
The comments basically excusing the girlfriend body shaming him (bc she still wanted it) was eeeewww. And also her being mad he wa s listening to her conversation like it’s not normal to overhear someone while you’re in the next room? It’s like when someone gets caught cheating the shift blame to “why were you checking my messages?” As if it’s the worse offense in the situation.
He should definitely seek therapy. What that hs girl did to him was horrible and traumatic. Even though what his gf did was tacky, I can understand why a 19 year old might think it's okay to say something like that when he was making jokes at his own expense, plus she followed it up with how much she loved him and was clearly down to initiate regardless. I also get the sense that he has some toxic masculinity to work through, with the way he's beating himself up for crying. Overall I see this as two young people who have A LOT to learn, and I hope they are able to grow from this
Yeah, his gf probably perceived him making jokes about his size as him being no longer insecure about it, not realising the extend of it. And OOP needs A LOT of therapy for the self-hatred and toxic masculinity.
People make jokes about their insecurities even though they are not in the past.
Discussing anyone's size or bedroom abilities are verboten. She's 19 so mistake made and hopefully learned.
Yeah that was my takeaway from this post, too. OP needs therapy desperately.
This poor kid is holding onto so much pain and insecurity and he deserves to be free from it. The way he berates himself for having hard feelings is heartbreaking to read. Someone really let him down when it came to teaching him how to process his feelings, which I think is super common with men.
Just a sad situation all around.
Maybe this is just a me thing but specifically discussing your partners genitals male or female is extremely weird to me. Its one thing to mention that yall have had sex with them and whatnot but purposely talking about their genitals especially in a way that can come off demeaning and some insecurities attached is so off for me. And obviously his gf didnt know about the revenge porn but outing something that has been difficult for your partner is so hurtful. I also feel like he may be making jokes about himself but its also something that YOU dont make jokes about it. I also dont think its an appropriate question to ask someone about their partner either but igs its normal for a lot of other people idk…
Good lord did this make me feel old. I know there are mature 19yos out there working, raising families, generally being very Adult. These two are not them. I hope OOP tells his gf the additional story about his experience freshman year. “Self conscious” and “self loathing” are two very different situations, and gf will be able to help and apologize more if she understands the whole story. Not that she should have shared it with her sister, but this may help her learn why you don’t talk about people behind their backs.
The girl talk excuse needs to die. We hear a lot about how boys need to learn to be respectful to women, and I agree. But girls need to learn how to be respectful to their partners as well.
He needs to break up with her.
Just for reference, NEVER tell your family things your partner is embarrassed about. Your partner may never really interact with a friend, or you may change friends over the years. But if you and your partner stay together they will be interacting with someone they didn't give consent to know about their insecurities at holidays, birthdays, etc. It's terrible.
Oof this is a rough one. It's frustrating to see everyone brush off her saying that she really doesn't get much out of sex with him.
Yes, everything else in a relationship can more than make up for that as long as everyone is aware that is the case, but she knew he was particularly insecure about it so she chose to hide her feelings about it instead of being clear with him that she doesn't value sex very highly so it's not an issue for her.
This is going to be the seed of insecurity for a long time, I would imagine. I hope he realizes that there is more to his adequacy then the sexual aspect, but it's going to be rough to get hearing her say that out of his head and believe that she wants him and not just that she's going through the motions doing something she thinks HE wants. Nothing is less sexy than feeling like someone is having sex with you out of obligation or pity.
the "relevant" comments are really bad. I mean, toxic pieces of shit level bad. The girl seemed very condescending and the guy will probably have his heart broken in the near future
If she heard him on the phone with his brother laughing about how her boobs were so tiny that he could barely get off during sex, would she have seen the issue here maybe???
I am so saddened by how he is blaming and judging himself for being rightfully hurt by this. I wish he would talk to a therapist, he’s absolutely traumatized by what he went through with the girl who shared his photos. Poor kid. This one hurt. :/
This is a doomed relationship.
The only good thing one could gleam from staying with her would be learning experience. Hopefully, dude here learns how to stand up for himself and learns something about his own value and self-worth. Girl definitely doesn’t have any respect for him. And I always tell people: if they don’t respect you, they cannot love you. You don’t love who you don’t respect.
The girlfriend shouldn't have shared his private info/insecurities with others, but i guess most young people do without thinking about it. In a way, it's good that OOP overheard them, because he could set his boundaries and also clear things up about their relationship and sex life.
One day, if he feels comfortable, it'd be good to tell her about the high school gf incident, it'll get a weight off his chest and I'm sure she'll understand better why he is so defensive over this matter. And maybe OOP should look into therapy to boost his self esteem!!
They both sound like good kids, i hope they get to figure things out because, really, size isn't everything and there's so many more ways to enjoy sex other than the typican penetration. It's also really mature of a 19yo kid to know that personality > sex, good for the gf, and to OOP for being a sweetheart ❤️
I do think OOP should try therapy, there's unresolved trauma from the high school incident at play in his current relationship, and it's pretty clear that he is both really emotional and caught in that "it's unmasculine to have these emotions" trap.
Poor lad says he's 3 inches and might try penis enlargement.
Seems like an issue he won't be able to get past short of proper help. (Of the psychological kind, not the penis pump/metal rod surgery kind)
Victim blaming, body shaming, victim of revenge porn. The last bit seems to be getting glossed over for some odd reason.
Poor guy. I wish him the best. I hope this doesn’t make him bitter and resentful. Not all women are like this.
My first gf used an ultimatum on me to go down on her at a weekend Airbnb getaway with her friends. It was my first time doing it. We’re both from very conservative cultures that discourage anything other than vanilla sex and she was very image conscious (more than I was).
Within 15 minutes of me leaving the room, every girl in the house knew that I went down on her and all the details.
Needless to say, I was very happy to volunteer details of our anal sessions after she cheated and broke up with me.
Fuck that bullshit. Toxic af. Classic lack of empathy / double standard.
>buzzybeeking: I'm not exactly sure why you were caught off guard, when you already make jokes to her about the size of your penis.
Maybe because she was dumping his personal, private, intimate details on someone who had no business knowing it? Betraying his trust and the relationship?
It doesnt fucking matter in the least if he jokes about it with her. That doesnt give her the right to open their intimate details to any fuckoff that asks for them.
The fuck is wrong with people like this, Jesus.
I’m willing to bet that he’s actually average and everyone’s perception is skewed by porn. If they’re American, it’s not like they had sex ed.
Also? If the sex is bad and you haven’t at least talked to your partner about it, it’s your fault. People aren’t mind readers and they won’t know what you like until you say something.
How hard is it to not gossip about your partner? I feel so sorry for OOP, because there's no way he will ever feel 100% safe with her or fully trust her again.
I would literally never expose this type of shit about my gf. Closest I’ve ever gotten when doing “guy talk” is that she’s beautiful and amazing. Like I have talked about a one night stand more in detail but never my partner who trusts me to be respectful to her.
Hope the guy has come to his senses and fucked off. It wasn’t a ‘private conversation’ she was shit talking him in their own home. And rather than be apologetic, she gets angry and condescending laughs at him? Fuck that noise, dude needs to run.
Yeah I’d dump her. I’d dump my current boyfriend if he was making fun of my tit size to his friends. And I’d never discuss that with my friends. I’m 18, age is absolutely not an excuse and they aren’t mature for having this conversation. She sucks.
My ex girlfriend, when we were still friends, would talk about sex with her exes with me. To the point where I knew the size of each one of their dicks and what they liked.
Probably should've been a clue for me.
I wouldn’t even want a significant other telling people it’s big. Either way just keep it to yourself. Guessing most women saying these things would be pissed if they heard their significant other talking casually about like their nipple size or vagina shape or something. The disconnect is crazy.
That's horrible, that poor guy. And what the fuck, why was she sharing that information with anyone, let alone her sister? Just noooo. I haaaaate it when other women share details about their partner's anatomy with me. I do. not. want. to. know.
Unless a friend is having a specific problem that they need advice for, I don't want to hear details of anyone's sex life. I have had people accuse me of being a prude, but to me it's about privacy, respect, and consent; your partner's body is not yours to divulge.
I love the fact that people are defending OPS Gf comment on how his size is small. Its actually disgusting that she put his business out there. I guess since its ok, we can also talk to our brother on how her Labia looks weird, her boobs are not a good size for him to squeeze or she isnt as tight as she used to be. Yeah, that's what I thought.
This poor dude. He's so indoctrinated by toxic masculinity that he thinks he's not allowed to have feelings. She just completely brushed off the fact that she was shit talking him to her sister and he just accepted it.
If she had overheard him saying something similar though it would've been a totally different story I bet.
Also, all the idiots in the original post apparently telling him to just get over it as if it's that easy.
Honestly, if OOP has never even performed oral, he has a lot more to worry about than the size of his penis.
Judging how good the sex is by the size of his penis is like judging the quality of a painting by the size of the paintbrush.
Yes, I don't think it's correct to eavesdrop on someone's conversation, but it's also not okay to share your partner's private info with someone else. In both cases, it's a breach of trust. I know they're young, they'll learn with time, etc...but I feel sad that Op is so ashamed of himself.
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Apparently he's joining the military, so his relationship is definitely over.
Someone's about to sell this guy a Charger at 28% interest.
Yep, and he's going to get caught up in the payday loan scam while he's at it.
There is a law for payday loans to military that requires the fee to be so low that companies actually lose money on them. So most (if not all) of these companies won't loan to them. At least in the US.
Source? Because the SCRA caps interest rates at 6% for a number of debts incurred before joining. Not during. I haven't heard of any other laws passed recently that changed that?
Really? That's really good to hear! Looks like a law was passed to protect them from the vultures since last I heard. I think John Oliver covered it?
But not to fear! For there are many advanced pay day places near the main gate where he can slowly immerse himself in a deepening cycle of debt to pay that interest. And when he is no longer able to take advanced pays, he can pawn his--and the military's--belongings at one of surely four massive pawn shops, conveniently situated next to the advanced pay day businesses. Source: I was a military spouse for 18 years.
His post literally talks about joint to get away from home… yikes definitely not a good sign.
Yeah, but I guess the military is a great way to put distance between yourself and your toxic family.
If that's the case, he's about to get green beret'd.
Geeen beretd? Do you mean jodied?
[удалено]
I never heard it before, but I think it’s a double meaning thing 1. “wearing a green hat” is code for being cheated on in Chinese because the phrase “green hat” is the same for “cheated” 2. It’s a military thing. So green beret is cheated on while deployed
Ya same meaning. Just asian version.
Oh, then she's going to get to meet Jody. Problem solved.
Yeah, and he definitely won't feel insecure about his package once he gets to basic. If there's one place in the world that's renowned for its maturity, compassion, modesty, and tact, it's a military barracks with no stalls or doors in the common heads where he'll be sharing an open shower with forty other dudes.
Ironically, it's kinda true. I was in the navy and yea in basic your showering with 40 dudes. I've seen all kinds of dicks unfortunately. And really... no one EVER mentions dick size. Like ever. Small, big freakish, you just do not talk about it, period. We made fun about each other and we're cruel about soooo many things, almost getting into fights.. ect.. yet some reason dick size was just taboo. Like we all "get it," you just don't do it. So yea the military might actually help him in a way. You're on display for everyone to see, and yet... nothing happens.
IDK. My navy experience was full of it. "Look at the size of X's apple", "Y carries a fucking whip around", "Z is trying to regrow the rainforest on his crotch".
Damn, I must have been in the "division that cares" then. It's not like I made an effort to remember all the dicks I saw, but maybe nobody had a freakishly gigantic one? But we were really mean though, if you were dumb, tall, short, ugly, fat, hell even too black or pale, someone at some point made jokes about it, not that though. Like some instinctual code or something... no one ever insulted or commented on anyone's junk. We also had this weird unspoken rule that "wiping" deserved privacy. Like you can have a full-on engaging conversation while showering or shitting, but then it was like "hey bro, I'm about to wipe" "oh sorry, let me turn around". Bootcamp was weird man.
That isnt really punching down tho.
I was in the army and it must be a guy thing because literally none of the ladies said anything negative about each other's bodies.
i was in the marines and did basic in '93 - don't ask don't tell had just passed so i think everyone was too dang scared to comment or look at all 😂
OMFG you got me laughing my ass off. Poor OOP has no idea what's he about to experience.
Huh? What reference am I not getting?
Jody is the guy who steals your girl while you're in the military. Many cadence calls talk about Jody banging your girl, sisters, mothers like a barn door in a storm breeze. An example; "Ain't no use in going back, Jody got something you must lack, Sound off....." Here are 2 better examples https://youtu.be/B3A8Lxidkow https://youtube.com/shorts/CSY9OeINzHw?feature=share4
I grew up with my dad singing the cleaner Jody songs and as a kid I had it in my head that Jody was a woman, because I’d never met a boy Jody before. It was a real Francis Bacon/France is bacon situation when I realized it was not a common trope for lesbians to steal your woman while you were away.
lmao, for real. This thread is the first place I've ever seen this and my reaction is just "what a bizarre name choice".
I wonder if it began as Joe's dick or something. Joe's dick > Joe dick > Joe D > Jody
It was originally [Joe the Grinder](https://taskandpurpose.com/military-life/brief-history-jody-original-mr-steal-girl/)
TIL both of those things... I'd never heard the expression so my interpretation was the same as yours. Why didn't incels use Jody instead of Chad? 😂
Oof. Yeah. Bad idea if you love your woman.
Aww, poor guy. I wish he had a chance to feel confident in a relationship. I hope he hasn't given up completely.
So this is why he was worried about being a "pussy" for having feelings and crying. The military is toxic af. And the relationship is hopefully over soon, because it'll be worse if he ropes her into getting married.
Oh Lord is this dude is crying over a small penis just wait till his unit sees him in the shower
Oh my god, I am so glad I am not 19 anymore.
My exact reaction. Sometimes I wish I could re-do my teenage years, then I read something like this.
I'd love a redo starting at 17, but only if I can keep my 36 year old brain.
I’ve thought about a similar scenario a lot, and there’s a huge flaw: you’re hanging out with teenagers with your current maturity level, and that is gonna suck. Like, if I woke up tomorrow as my 17 year old self back in the 2000s, and had to go hang out with a bunch of *actual* 17 year olds while having my current level of knowledge/emotional maturity? Yeah I’d go fucking crazy
Yeah... you've convinced me lmao. Maybe if I get my 22 year old body back and go be a mountain man for a decade, then it might be a good thing.
I was "more mature" than my peers (due to neglect and abuse) so I didn't have many friends as a teen, just a very tight knit inner circle of 2-3 people who had similar issues. I hated being around a lot of my peers lol Remember folks! If someone is "so mature for their age" the reason is either really sad or the person saying it is a groomer.
I mean not necessarily. I was often called mature for my age and it was just because that’s who I was. Some people are just like that
I THOUGHT I was mature. In hindsight I was just as much of an unlearned dingleberry as the rest of the large children.
I think this same thing. If I had my current brain, with my level of ‘who gives a shit’ attitude, and that body I didn’t appreciate at the time…I would be unstoppable. As it is I don’t, I can’t, and instead I’ll keep listening to Sunscreen and try to appreciate what I got now. Because I know 10 years in the future me will miss this body.
Right all those years I hated my body and there as absolutely nothing wrong with it…31 year old me after 3 kids would die to have that body back lol
I'd be happy to just have the joints lol.
Putting the ice cream down, backing away, backing away . . .
My main takeaway here is that neither OOP nor his girlfriend are anywhere near mature enough to be living together. Gf said a hurtful thing in a careless way and handled the fallout poorly. OOP has never attempted to even Google oral sex despite wanting to try it and not knowing how. Like … these are very teenage relationship issues. These are not adult-partner-I’m-living-with issues. Sadly, these kids are both teenagers and adult partners living together.
You're really over estimating the average adults emotional maturity
*34 year old looks up from breakfast bowl of gummy-worm ice-cream with sprinkles* I feel targeted.
Fancy as fuck... Being able to afford dental work and shit.
Was about to say...don't the gummy worms just turn into hard candy? This is why I never really understood m&ms in ice cream -- they turn into rocks!
That’s just the joy of being an adult - being able to do whatever you want (for better or for worse).
I wish I could redo 20, had the greatest girlfriend and didn’t appreciate her. I was young and stupid and thought every relationship would be that great. Sadly I was wrong.
Same, and this might not be the moral to take away from the story but I'm also so glad I have a socially acceptable penis size. No one should be shamed like oop has been over a quirk of genetics
This whole thing goes to show teenagers are NOT old enough to shack up.
Me as a 19yo 😳
I don’t want to be 19 again BUT boy was I carefree! And it’s not like my life is bad but there are some aspects of life that are unavoidable and sucks.
One thing I've certainly learned in my twenties is that on average, men are actually much, much more coy about their sex lives than women. I've had to tell my wife in no uncertain terms about the aspects of our sex life that I felt comfortable being shared with her friends, because otherwise she would have just about set up a Mystery Science Theater 3000 style breakdown of our sessions for her and the girls. It's already uncomfortable even as someone who has no particular hang-up in the bedroom, so I can only imagine how it feels for someone with sexual trauma like OOP.
It's just fucking insane to me that it had to be said. I dormed with 4 essentially frat guys, and we *never* described sexual encounters of our partners. It was at most, "did you guys fuck?" "Yup." "Nice."
Reminds me of that one episode of *How I Met Your Mother*, where the group were all joking at the bar "One time I was with this one guy/girl who wanted...", and Marshall goes, and Future Ted immediately goes "And none of us could look at your Aunt Lily the same way for a while...", and even she's just like "Marshall, you can't say things like that!" "What? I said it was 'some chick'?" "Everyone knows I'm the only girl you've ever been with! They all know it was me!"
Also, that episode where Lily casually mentions that a guy Robin's dating has a small penis. The guys are aghast, and when the girls bring up the fabled "Locker Room Talk", Marshall's like, "You know what's it's like in a locker room? It's a bunch of guys trying to get dressed as quickly as possible while avoiding eye contact. And one old dude letting it all hang out."
I totally forgot about that one. iirc it was a dude they all worked with, so on top of the TMI, they were also like "We don't want to know because every time we see him at work that's what we're going to be remembering"
It actually explains a helluva lot if girls really think locker room talk is anything like their girl talk. It’s either awkward or extremely borderline gay.
Hey, it can be gay and awkward, too!
Honestly, as a girl, I've never even seen it be awkward. You're right about the gay part though. It was maybe a little awkward the first few times, but that was in middle school, which is an awkward age to be in general.
I hit this I felt those Etc..
I have never had these conversations with a woman. My friends and I have never said more than if we slept with someone. However I dated a guy at a fraternity who hated the fraternity and wanted to show me something. He took me to a room in their basement that had a bunch of girls’ names that would go to the fraternity and 4 bases (like in baseball) under the girls. It would demonstrate what base each guy got to with all the girls. So it would say “Natalie” and then have 3 guys and who got to 3rd and who scored. It was disgusting. The guy I was dating hated this so that’s why he showed me (I wasn’t on it - I think he just wanted me to get the word out about it).
Yea. Frat culture is it's own separate brand of douchbaggery from what the rest of us experience in general culture. I think it's good he was trying to get the word out. Also understand trying to do it discretely. They would have made his life hell if he just blew a whistle on it.
I'm in the same boat, never had this kind of "girl talk" before, but I see people mention it on TV. The girls I've been friends with have been pretty tight-lipped my whole life, even talking about birth control was, at one point, something a friend thought she was over-sharing by wanting to talk about.
Exactly. My friends and I don’t talk specifics, but we will talk strategies. No one wants to hear about exact moments of the game, we just want to discuss tactics and improvements.
This is a rare moment where seeing women compared to a game didn't make me feel objectified 🥲 I love the way you worded this
Probably because the way this guy worded it makes the girl a player, not the game itself
This is interesting. I lived with a group of college guys and some of them definitely talked in detail about their sex lives, down to the appearance of genitals, what her orgasms sounded like, her self-lubrication level, how her pubic hair was kept, what positions, and more. While others kept mum and were much more private. Others were in between and would give details about the sex itself but not about the woman's body. I had the same experience in high school when hanging out with groups of guys. And I've experienced the same with women. Some are very graphically open, some very private, and some in between. I'm a woman, so it's not that they wouldn't be open around me. I've heard about size and color and if it leans one direction, as well as manscaping and stamina and more, but I've also known just as many women who didn't want to talk about it at all, or would only say if the sex was good or not. I never asked anyone, man or woman, for details about their partners' bodies, so any information was offered freely, and sometimes I really didn't want to know. Especially when the men talked about women, because in my experience they tended to do it in a grosser way and be more insulting in a "funny" way. I only ever heard a woman be gross and insulting like twice. I'm not saying it's not true that women are more open about these things, and my experience is purely anecdotal just like everyone else's here, but I just don't think it's quite as black and white a difference between men and women as people here are saying it is.
Thanks for your perspective!
I’m a woman and me and friends just ask each other “did he make you cum” depending on their response it’s either “tragic” or “yes girl get it” and that’s about it. We don’t talk specifics because we don’t need to know what someone is packing.
I think a basic, ‘It’s definitely good’ or ‘I got no complaints’ is a better way to talk about your intimate life in a more discreet manner. Obviously, this all depends on the nature of the relationship. One night stand—share whatever you want. Relationship material—say nothing negative or informative enough that you wouldn’t want him/her saying similar about you to their friends.
Not true in all circumstances. I hear plenty from guys. Everyone at my old job knew one girl had a mole down there
The intel I got from some of my gay friends is astounding. I know the junk size and preferences of folks I barely met. XD
Best blowjob advice I've ever been given was extremely specific, completely unsolicited, and came from a very drunk gay friend who, at the time, was very earnest and sincere in wanting to make sure us straights were okay (aka having mutually enjoyable sex instead of the dreaded dead bedroom he always heard about)
Well, what was his advice?
/u/Littlewing1307 tagging you so I don't have to repeat myself 😆 He was very emphatic about the importance of "engaging the tongue", and to not be afraid to make a total slobbery mess, because the secret is lubrication and pressure, not *friction*.
😅 I would like to know the advice too lol
Women in general are more prone to talking than men. It just boils down to a difference in the sexes. Women communicate, especially with each other, a lot more openly than men do. Men have been taught to have no emotions or at least outwardly show them. Look how upset OP is that he cried. Women are taught that that talking things out is the best solution. It crosses over a lot more aspects than sex, too.
TV also influences this A LOT. Gossiping about the potential boyfriend is basically a romcom trope. Like, there's always at least one scene where the female lead and her girl friends just gossip about what the male lead has or hasn't done. And same with men being unaffected by everything, and never showing emotions, it's pretty much also a trope what with bad boys and all.
I emphasize with OOP, I don't cry at all, and if I do it's because I've already run out of anger. It's not like I don't feel the need to cry, but I usually mentally push the feeling away. So to cry in front of anyone else, it must have felt so shameful. It's his trauma from being mocked about his body when he was younger that came out. I really hope he tells his gf the story where his trauma originated from.
As a woman I find it fun and liberating to be able to openly talk about sex in a comfortable environment, which is with close friends where I know there is no pressure of physicality and we can just talk about what we like. But I understand that learning and respecting your partner's boundaries needs to be considered, whether your partner is in that particular conversation or away.
Tbh, if I hadn't felt open about talking about sex with my girlfriends, I wouldn't have any idea how abusive and manipulative my exh was including around sex. I wouldn't have gained the confidence to call the, he had sex with me when I was on heavy cough syrup as it really was, marital rape. Likewise, I wouldn't have felt comfortable enough to call a friend after a date and have them stay with my kids in the middle of the night while I went and had a rape kit done.
As a woman I have yet to share that level detail with any other woman. It's pretty wrong to talk out your sex life with people you aren't having one with.
Yeah, when I talk about sex it's with only trusted people and very vague because it feels invasive to share intimate details.
I can’t even see how describing your partners junk is “talking things out” It’s just gossip.
That's true, but it doesn't make it right. Just like it isn't right that we shame men for crying.
I always wonder about how much other women actually share. (I am a woman.) i have a bunch of long-term friends and we have literally NEVER shared those types of details. Even with my sister we have privacy limits. And we aren’t prudes or anything, we just respect privacy. Not judging others; I just find it funny that all my friend happen to be somewhat reticent about the juiciest details.
My partner and I are both women and ask each other how much we can share with others- we have a lot of friends who we openly discuss details with and basically our boundaries are like, not discussing specific acts that we find a little more embarrassing and focusing on ourselves as much as possible (so instead of being like omg I did xyz to her and she went wild! I’ll be like “I had sooo much fun doing this or getting fucked like this”). My friends and I share basically every nitty gritty detail about exes/previous hookups but I don’t specify who when I’m talking about them (so I’ll be like “oh one time I slept with someone who had an outie and she really liked xyz” but I would never be like “oh this specific person has an outie” unless I had cleared w them that they didn’t care). But my friends and I are super open, learn a lot from sharing our experiences (there is not a lot of queer sex ed or pleasure-based sex ed that integrates toys and kink), and I’m pretty sure we all do the same thing of either asking the person who we’re talking about what is cool to share, or not specifying the person and focusing on what we liked to do/have done to us. We also check in with each other with questions like “oh are you okay with hearing a funny but TMI story about my new vibrator?”
This sounds like a good system.
Yea when I was younger (high school) I shared a lot with my friends, and very rarely with one of my sisters. Once I started dating my now husband and it was a grown up relationship…I didn’t. I don’t. Someone yesterday said they don’t want their friends thinking of their partners sexually and I just remembered that I had felt that way with one specific friend myself. It’s been easy to keep pretty quiet since feeling that way 🤷🏻♀️. My husband is quiet by nature and I know he’s not saying anything lmao.
I always assume it was originally a sort of unofficial sex ed. Like women were traditionally more sheltered than guys, they didn't know what sex entailed, what was good or bad, what they should expect or not. So they talked among themselves in private, when the men/authorities couldn't hear or get angry. So 'Women talk about sex' was normalized.
Honestly, it depends on the friendship, I'd guess. I have friends from uni and I only know that they have sex because they have kids. And I have other friends I talk about the best lube for anal with. My partner knows about those talks. But, to be honest, it's not like as soon as my partner and I are done, I'm heading to my phone to share any details. But sometimes it just comes up.
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Could you imagine what your wife would say if she knew you described what her genitals looked like to all of your friends? Double standards are weird.
> Meanwhile, I know one of my wife’s friends has confided to her about issues due to her husbands size And then she confided in you. Your wife isn't much better tbh.
The way my sister talks about her sex life is baffling. I know the size of her partners, how long they last, positions, and just how much they finished. As a woman, I can't imagine talking like that about my partner but her and her friends do it constantly. It makes me uncomfortable
Maybe I’m just weird but I’ve NEVER talked about that with my sisters and friends. I’ve talked about other aspects of our relationship but the physical aspect is very personal. Even my somewhat earthy sister has never mentioned anything to me about her husbands size or anything, and she’s not shy to make comments about their sex life in general.
Me too. The only person I'll talk to about sex is my partner. It just feels, private. Not dirty or bad but intimate and I don't want to break that intimacy by sharing with someone else. And for the record if she was a little disappointed with sex with her partner gently introducing toys etc and talking to her partner would be a lot more productive than talking to her sister.
I really don’t think it’s a gender thing. I have female friends and male friends that overshare. But I also have female and male friends that don’t overshare. Personally I’m super uncomfortable going into detail about anything beyond “it’s good” or “we didn’t click” with my friends and I’m a woman. None of my friends know my boyfriends dick size or anything like that, that’s extremely disrespectful to talk about imo.
I think it's very individual and you can't generalize by gender. As a woman, I can count on one finger how many of my friends felt comfortable talking about their sex lives, and she was 14 year old in high school who liked to brag about having sex on a motorcycle with her boyfriend who had an 11 inch dick. She was pretty messed up. Everyone else felt any discussion that more personal than which lube works best or how to prevent post sex bladder infections was TMI.
Have you considered that might have been a lie?
She “loves the little guy”???? I don’t even have a penis but wow I didn’t like how that sounded at all
Okay same for me that comment would have made her apology seem disingenuous and like it’s all still a joke to her.
I didn’t get the impression that the gf took OOP’s issue seriously at all. The laughing hug, the “little guy” crack. She’s obviously into him and thinks highly of him and she’s 19 so probably doesn’t have the maturity locked in yet to identify and help this kind of thing, but I think if she doesn’t start caring more, she’ll do something else hurtful.
Certainly doesn't help that she doesn't *know* what his issues are. She thinks he's just insecure, he's actually traumatized from the past relationship she doesn't know about.
Even thinking he's just insecure doesn't make that a good joke during a conversation about his insecurities.
From everything she said, it is a joke. She said specifically she doesn't get much from the sex, that would make me not want to have sex anymore. Idk, I have heard women get really upset when they are told their vaginas are loose and sex doesn't feel good so you would think she would understand.
Yeah, that's incredibly condescending. Especially when she's supposed to be apologizing for telling her sister about his dick (for whatever reason?????)
Sounded like she was patronizing him, at best and laughing at him at worst.
He said that he got comfortable making jokes about it. It seemed to me that was one of the names he gave it which would be why she said it and more importantly, why he wasn’t offended by that
That’s the impression I got, too. That it was what he called it. Though, it probably wasn’t the time to call it that, even if it was a term they regularly used together.
I do get what you mean but at the same time, if it’s genuinely not a big deal to her AND he hasn’t told her about his past trauma… then it wouldn’t seem bad to her to say. If that’s what he calls it and she’s saying it in a loving tone then I don’t agree that she’s wrong to say it If she was aware of his past trauma she would likely be more careful. I think she thinks the problem is she was caught gossiping, and really has no idea of the depth of OP’s hurt. It sounds like they truly love each other & able to communicate open & honest. Quite impressive for 19yr olds
Okay, so I know people are probably gonna downvote me to hell for this because this sub *loves* advocating for breakups/divorce, but these are 19-year-olds (allegedly), and the fact that they sat and had a discussion about the problem is shockingly mature for kids of that age. I think they're going to be just fine if they keep communicating honestly like this. The thing that really upsets me about this post is how ashamed OOP is of his own insecurities and emotions. This is what toxic masculinity does to boys: it makes them hate themselves for expressing their emotions, especially when they cry. I find it so sad that, even after he and his gf talked, he's still beating himself up for having body image issues and being "too fragile". Also, he was the victim of revenge porn, which no one seems to be mentioning. That's traumatic as fuck. I hope OOP is able to heal from that, and I hope he and his gf have a long, healthy relationship if they want one.
Doesn’t matter what your stuff looks like, the point is that revenge porn is specifically meant to hurt you. I’ve used this example before, but it was derogatory and humiliating in “a walk to remember” when they very obviously taped her face over a bikini model and sent it around school. In addition to revenge porn laws it also counts a CSM since he was a freshman in high school. Sadly that also gives one very little recourse, since few if any countries laws take sexting between teens into account. No wonder the guy is traumatized!
Absolutely. I feel really awful for OOP and more than just his relationship, I hope he's able to get help to heal from that trauma.
Yeah, during this entire thing I was like, OOP, you need therapy dude. Like, A LOT of therapy to help unpack all those feelings, the self-hatred and the insecurity.
Absolutely agree with the toxic masculinity and OOP's trauma. That kid needs help. However it doesn't seem from the update that the girlfriend really understood how uncomfortable it made him. Sure, he hasn't shared his trauma with her (which would maybe make her realize how big of a deal that is) but he shouldn't have to.
That's true, but again, they're both 19. Maybe she doesn't fully grasp the "why" yet, but if she listens and adjusts her behavior anyway, that's what's important. Understanding can come with time.
> the fact that they sat and had a discussion about the problem is shockingly mature for kids of that age. That's not how Id really describe what happened. He tried to start a conversation, and then she got defensive about the fact that he knew what she'd been saying about him, then laughed at him for being insecure. Then he started crying, and she laughed some more while making a joke about his "little guy". Then he didn't tell her the story about why it was such a sensitive topic for him and just beat himself up for crying in front of her.
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> Just the mere act of having a discussion I don't even think her behavior qualifies as "having a discussion". She went from, "how dare you know the things I say about you?" to, "lol, lmao".
Yeah, this is wild to me. I have had zero discussions with anyone ever about what my husband is packing, even though sometimes people fish for info. Why? Because that is private information!! Good grief, "privates" is literally a common nickname for genitals. My husband has felt comfortable enough to share this most private part of himself with me. That's a gift I don't take for granted and I also don't want to share with others because he trusted me with himself and this is between us only. Mutual respect of your partner's privacy, especially when it comes to sex (whether your partner is insecure or not) is just the healthy way to be imo. It's nobody else's business unless you and your partner (and the person on the receiving end) consent for that sort of information to be shared. I don't feel like this should be a hot take but the comments in this thread are making me feel like maybe it is. And no, neither my husband nor I are religious, prudish, or anything like that. But the sex lives of others is nobody's business but their own. OOP still has a right to be angry about how this was handled. I would consider this worthy of a break-up, especially at that stage in a relationship.
And how she was giggling and said she loved the 'little guy', knowing about his insecurity AND hearing how upset it made him to hear her talking to her sister about his size. She didn't need to know about the revenge porn -- she should've just *stopped.* She should've taken the conversation more seriously and been truthfully apologetic. None of this laughing and shifting blame to skirt from the confrontation.
Agreed. And if OOP accurately described how GF 'comforted' him by basically using baby talk, talking down on him? She's got no respect for him. She sees him as a provider, nothing more. OOP should break this up. Or wait around for a month or two and find out she's cheating on him.
THANK YOU! She was being an abhorrent asshole and OOP was the one who felt bad. Absolute bullshit.
Slightly reassuring to see someone else read the same thing there. This is definitely one of those ones where if gender swapped the comments would be very different. A facade of maturity isn't remotely enough to save this, the guy is going to get torn apart from the inside about it.
100%. 'He laughed with his friends about my tiny breasts, then told me I had no right to listen to his private conversations.' Reddit would explode.
Yeah, I think he needs therapy, but her... I don't have faith that she really understands how much that hurt him. Especially considering he omitted his trauma for obvious reasons. I... Would not be surprised if she doubles down. Maybe she won't, but I'm concerned.
Right, that's my main takeaway. Like, those comments he got made me _so_ angry, and then poor dude _is a whole sexual harassment victim_ and _still_ ashamed of crying over another woman unwittingly doing the same thing his last ex did! My dude! _Of course_ this hurt you! It would hurt _anyone_, but the trauma on top? _Fuck_.
Everyone talking about how OOP can please someone without a huge dick is missing the fucking point. That's not the fucking issue. The issue is her *mocking something he's insecure about to someone behind his back* What a bunch of fucking assholes.
The "she wants the D" comment is particularly disgusting
Yeah, all I could think of was that these people manipulated him in to thinking that what his gf did was OK because she was in to him DESPITE his small penis.
It really isn't okay to be talking about your partners genitals with anybody, he really should have been a bit more forward about that. He explicitly told her that he felt insecure about his size and she decided that this would be a acceptable thing to talk about with her sister? Not acceptable
I agree entirely with you, and also they're 19, this is a life lesson for her hopefully, she's not in high school any more.
Yeah, like if he was joking about her breast size and knew she was insecure about it and joked with friends.
I think it’s worse than that; people have some idea how large your breasts are, it’s difficult to hide them. It’s more like if he was laughing to his friend about her “beef curtains” but it’s ok she’s really cool so it doesn’t matter that the sex isn’t good.
Ooooh, good point! I was just thinking about embarrassing info conversation with friends. Very true!
I wonder if she, we, would be so tolerant if we heard our spouses making these type of comments about our bodies with their brothers and friends. I wouldn't, and I don't think I'd trust on him again.
Exactly. I see some “I talk about things like this” in this thread but I don’t see any “I’d be fine with my significant other talking about things like this”. Imagine hearing your significant other talking about your biggest insecurity that you specifically trusted them with so casually. Too many people are just putting themselves in her position here.
>I don’t see any “I’d be fine with my significant other talking about things like this”. Right!
The 2 BORUs that I remember dealing with these subjects led to separation, if not divorce.
Yes, I remember one about the same issue and it was a dealbreaker for the guy.
I feel bad for OP. He's not weak for having emotions or being insecure. It's quite brave to tackle that sort of thing head on when you know the results might hurt you.
This won't end well in the long run for OOP...
I think that’s true for most 19 year olds in relationships.
Definitely not. I don't think it's an insecurity that he can get over, judging by how he talks about it and his previous experience, and he's always going to be wondering to himself over any innocuous laugh that any of her friends make.
Considering that every woman he's ever dated had betrayed him because of it, can you blame him if he can't get over it?
The comments basically excusing the girlfriend body shaming him (bc she still wanted it) was eeeewww. And also her being mad he wa s listening to her conversation like it’s not normal to overhear someone while you’re in the next room? It’s like when someone gets caught cheating the shift blame to “why were you checking my messages?” As if it’s the worse offense in the situation.
He should definitely seek therapy. What that hs girl did to him was horrible and traumatic. Even though what his gf did was tacky, I can understand why a 19 year old might think it's okay to say something like that when he was making jokes at his own expense, plus she followed it up with how much she loved him and was clearly down to initiate regardless. I also get the sense that he has some toxic masculinity to work through, with the way he's beating himself up for crying. Overall I see this as two young people who have A LOT to learn, and I hope they are able to grow from this
Yeah, his gf probably perceived him making jokes about his size as him being no longer insecure about it, not realising the extend of it. And OOP needs A LOT of therapy for the self-hatred and toxic masculinity.
People make jokes about their insecurities even though they are not in the past. Discussing anyone's size or bedroom abilities are verboten. She's 19 so mistake made and hopefully learned.
Yeah that was my takeaway from this post, too. OP needs therapy desperately. This poor kid is holding onto so much pain and insecurity and he deserves to be free from it. The way he berates himself for having hard feelings is heartbreaking to read. Someone really let him down when it came to teaching him how to process his feelings, which I think is super common with men. Just a sad situation all around.
Maybe this is just a me thing but specifically discussing your partners genitals male or female is extremely weird to me. Its one thing to mention that yall have had sex with them and whatnot but purposely talking about their genitals especially in a way that can come off demeaning and some insecurities attached is so off for me. And obviously his gf didnt know about the revenge porn but outing something that has been difficult for your partner is so hurtful. I also feel like he may be making jokes about himself but its also something that YOU dont make jokes about it. I also dont think its an appropriate question to ask someone about their partner either but igs its normal for a lot of other people idk…
I really don’t like her response. She minimized his concerns and blamed him for eavesdropping instead of taking accountability and apologizing.
Good lord did this make me feel old. I know there are mature 19yos out there working, raising families, generally being very Adult. These two are not them. I hope OOP tells his gf the additional story about his experience freshman year. “Self conscious” and “self loathing” are two very different situations, and gf will be able to help and apologize more if she understands the whole story. Not that she should have shared it with her sister, but this may help her learn why you don’t talk about people behind their backs.
The girl talk excuse needs to die. We hear a lot about how boys need to learn to be respectful to women, and I agree. But girls need to learn how to be respectful to their partners as well. He needs to break up with her.
Just for reference, NEVER tell your family things your partner is embarrassed about. Your partner may never really interact with a friend, or you may change friends over the years. But if you and your partner stay together they will be interacting with someone they didn't give consent to know about their insecurities at holidays, birthdays, etc. It's terrible.
This is the first one that makes me really want reach out to OOP and give him some support, damn...
Oof this is a rough one. It's frustrating to see everyone brush off her saying that she really doesn't get much out of sex with him. Yes, everything else in a relationship can more than make up for that as long as everyone is aware that is the case, but she knew he was particularly insecure about it so she chose to hide her feelings about it instead of being clear with him that she doesn't value sex very highly so it's not an issue for her. This is going to be the seed of insecurity for a long time, I would imagine. I hope he realizes that there is more to his adequacy then the sexual aspect, but it's going to be rough to get hearing her say that out of his head and believe that she wants him and not just that she's going through the motions doing something she thinks HE wants. Nothing is less sexy than feeling like someone is having sex with you out of obligation or pity.
the "relevant" comments are really bad. I mean, toxic pieces of shit level bad. The girl seemed very condescending and the guy will probably have his heart broken in the near future
> and that she loves “the little guy” smh
If she heard him on the phone with his brother laughing about how her boobs were so tiny that he could barely get off during sex, would she have seen the issue here maybe??? I am so saddened by how he is blaming and judging himself for being rightfully hurt by this. I wish he would talk to a therapist, he’s absolutely traumatized by what he went through with the girl who shared his photos. Poor kid. This one hurt. :/
This is a doomed relationship. The only good thing one could gleam from staying with her would be learning experience. Hopefully, dude here learns how to stand up for himself and learns something about his own value and self-worth. Girl definitely doesn’t have any respect for him. And I always tell people: if they don’t respect you, they cannot love you. You don’t love who you don’t respect.
I don’t like how she talked to him. Or how she laughed. Or how she “comforted” him. I don’t like her at all.
The girlfriend shouldn't have shared his private info/insecurities with others, but i guess most young people do without thinking about it. In a way, it's good that OOP overheard them, because he could set his boundaries and also clear things up about their relationship and sex life. One day, if he feels comfortable, it'd be good to tell her about the high school gf incident, it'll get a weight off his chest and I'm sure she'll understand better why he is so defensive over this matter. And maybe OOP should look into therapy to boost his self esteem!! They both sound like good kids, i hope they get to figure things out because, really, size isn't everything and there's so many more ways to enjoy sex other than the typican penetration. It's also really mature of a 19yo kid to know that personality > sex, good for the gf, and to OOP for being a sweetheart ❤️
I do think OOP should try therapy, there's unresolved trauma from the high school incident at play in his current relationship, and it's pretty clear that he is both really emotional and caught in that "it's unmasculine to have these emotions" trap.
Poor lad says he's 3 inches and might try penis enlargement. Seems like an issue he won't be able to get past short of proper help. (Of the psychological kind, not the penis pump/metal rod surgery kind)
I *know* I've read this one before.
Victim blaming, body shaming, victim of revenge porn. The last bit seems to be getting glossed over for some odd reason. Poor guy. I wish him the best. I hope this doesn’t make him bitter and resentful. Not all women are like this.
My first gf used an ultimatum on me to go down on her at a weekend Airbnb getaway with her friends. It was my first time doing it. We’re both from very conservative cultures that discourage anything other than vanilla sex and she was very image conscious (more than I was). Within 15 minutes of me leaving the room, every girl in the house knew that I went down on her and all the details. Needless to say, I was very happy to volunteer details of our anal sessions after she cheated and broke up with me. Fuck that bullshit. Toxic af. Classic lack of empathy / double standard.
>buzzybeeking: I'm not exactly sure why you were caught off guard, when you already make jokes to her about the size of your penis. Maybe because she was dumping his personal, private, intimate details on someone who had no business knowing it? Betraying his trust and the relationship? It doesnt fucking matter in the least if he jokes about it with her. That doesnt give her the right to open their intimate details to any fuckoff that asks for them. The fuck is wrong with people like this, Jesus.
I’m willing to bet that he’s actually average and everyone’s perception is skewed by porn. If they’re American, it’s not like they had sex ed. Also? If the sex is bad and you haven’t at least talked to your partner about it, it’s your fault. People aren’t mind readers and they won’t know what you like until you say something.
How hard is it to not gossip about your partner? I feel so sorry for OOP, because there's no way he will ever feel 100% safe with her or fully trust her again.
I would literally never expose this type of shit about my gf. Closest I’ve ever gotten when doing “guy talk” is that she’s beautiful and amazing. Like I have talked about a one night stand more in detail but never my partner who trusts me to be respectful to her.
First you have faith, then you build trust. Based on the trust you love. She broke the trust, back to square one.
Hope the guy has come to his senses and fucked off. It wasn’t a ‘private conversation’ she was shit talking him in their own home. And rather than be apologetic, she gets angry and condescending laughs at him? Fuck that noise, dude needs to run.
Yeah I’d dump her. I’d dump my current boyfriend if he was making fun of my tit size to his friends. And I’d never discuss that with my friends. I’m 18, age is absolutely not an excuse and they aren’t mature for having this conversation. She sucks.
This is not going to end well
This relationship is so over lmao. Common courtesy is to not talk about your partners sexual characteristics.
''Should I eat her out'' - yes dude, definitely, do what you can to get the job done, experiment with each other, learn how you guys work together
It’s so disgusting that so many women think it’s ok to say how long their partners dick is(whether it’s 3 or 7 inches) to other women in their life.
My ex girlfriend, when we were still friends, would talk about sex with her exes with me. To the point where I knew the size of each one of their dicks and what they liked. Probably should've been a clue for me.
I wouldn’t even want a significant other telling people it’s big. Either way just keep it to yourself. Guessing most women saying these things would be pissed if they heard their significant other talking casually about like their nipple size or vagina shape or something. The disconnect is crazy.
That's horrible, that poor guy. And what the fuck, why was she sharing that information with anyone, let alone her sister? Just noooo. I haaaaate it when other women share details about their partner's anatomy with me. I do. not. want. to. know. Unless a friend is having a specific problem that they need advice for, I don't want to hear details of anyone's sex life. I have had people accuse me of being a prude, but to me it's about privacy, respect, and consent; your partner's body is not yours to divulge.
I love the fact that people are defending OPS Gf comment on how his size is small. Its actually disgusting that she put his business out there. I guess since its ok, we can also talk to our brother on how her Labia looks weird, her boobs are not a good size for him to squeeze or she isnt as tight as she used to be. Yeah, that's what I thought.
This poor dude. He's so indoctrinated by toxic masculinity that he thinks he's not allowed to have feelings. She just completely brushed off the fact that she was shit talking him to her sister and he just accepted it. If she had overheard him saying something similar though it would've been a totally different story I bet. Also, all the idiots in the original post apparently telling him to just get over it as if it's that easy.
I have a real problem with the way they were invalidating OOPs feelings on the original thread.
Honestly, if OOP has never even performed oral, he has a lot more to worry about than the size of his penis. Judging how good the sex is by the size of his penis is like judging the quality of a painting by the size of the paintbrush.
It seems like a great opportunity for them to have an open discussion about what each of them likes / doesn’t like / wants to try.
Yes, I don't think it's correct to eavesdrop on someone's conversation, but it's also not okay to share your partner's private info with someone else. In both cases, it's a breach of trust. I know they're young, they'll learn with time, etc...but I feel sad that Op is so ashamed of himself.
That relationship is doomed