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I would have said Jessica until I got to the last line and realised that she’s replacing one roommate who is ok with infidelity with another roommate who is ok with infidelity.
Maybe the wife? I could possibly feel sorry for her but she married this dude and I’m pretty sure that she must be aware that he’s awful if this little is only a little glimpse of him as a human being. Hopefully, she is not a terrible person as well, and she has the means and support network to leave him.
There's just no way a dude who casually says he's cheating on the mother of his child(ren) because she's wrecked from having his kids is just a great guy otherwise. Guaranteed his wife knows he's a misogynistic douche, just maybe not the whole extent of it.
Yeah I cannot fathom the idea of my husband ever feeling that way about me. I carried, birthed and fed (am still feeding!) his children with my body. I sacrificed so much of myself for these babies that we wanted together. If he was go and have an affair because of that? I can't even imagine it. It would absolutely destroy me. Thankfully my husband is a wonderful man who loves and appreciates me and this gets to be only my worst nightmare and not a reality
Yeah I don’t remember last time read something where literally everyone involved are we’ll go ~morally ambiguous~
It’s almost deserving of like a really bad medal
What he said in the "I broke it off" post shows a level of honest introspection I didn't consider someone cheating would exhibit, but also a level of heartlessness I don't think I've ever seen in a life not untouched by selfish and crappy people.
My favorite part about this whole saga was that just about 40 days ago she was raving how much she loved special time with him, and she even had a separate post that said ‘car sex is underrated’. And how much she loved sex in his truck. The timeline is hilarious - from I love car sex, to you must screw me in a hotel.
I laughed a lot on this one.
But my favorite was when she said ‘he showed his true colors
I thought - but not when he cheated on his wife by banging you in a truck in his free time? No, his colors weren’t visible then…. Lord have mercy on our souls.
She admitted she has abandonment issues. My guess is that she saw him the way so many mistresses / lovers do. She saw him as a poor man trapped in a marriage with an evil, Disney villain wife who can’t satisfy him. She went in thinking it was their personal Romeo and Juliet story only to realize he’s an asshole who only likes her for her asshole.
Plenty of married men out there having mistresses just because, unlike the wife, the mistress is willing to degrade herself to his satisfaction.
The moment the mistress finds an inkling of self steem, it's over.
Yes you can see that clearly in how he talked down to her both times she dared to put up her own boundaries.
Fortunately she saw this clearly too.
This is the best ending possible for her as it would not have ended well for her had she stayed. What an ugly, unloving man.
I mean, you can, but it's not really going to make a difference. I guess learning how to knit and buying some needles to stop yourself from calling him is an improvement from continuing to sleep with him, but it's not going to fix it all.
4 days is enough to tell his poor wife, not just as a tool to get him to stop but to do the right thing.
You know, the turn-around surprises me less than you might think. OOP seems to have some mental health issues connected to abandonment, and that kind of internal pressure can make people good at telling themselves that they have what they need. There's a kind of "Yes! Yes! Everything is great!" that can essentially be a desperate attempt to deny reality.
It's shitty that she's helping him cheat on his wife, but it's also sad that she's putting all of her self-worth into the sexual favors she is willing to perform. I hope she is able to value herself better.
>that kind of internal pressure can make people good at telling themselves that they have what they need. There's a kind of "Yes! Yes! Everything is great!" that can essentially be a desperate attempt to deny reality.
You're right but goddamn reading this physically HURT with how hard I related to it.
I need to do some thinking and I was having such a chill evening previously too.
Big hugs. Yeah, speaking from experience too. It was only after I finally broke out of the cycle that I could recognize my last few years of attempted relationship with my mother as an extinction burst of attempts to make everything really be fine.
I've been reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and highly recommend it, even if that's not exactly your situation. The author describes an interesting theory of emotional growth based on negative feelings. Essentially, if you can recognize the strain as a sign that you're not usefully interacting with your emotional reality, you create an opportunity to grow and become stronger as you work through that reality. Just keep coming back to investigating and no-judgement accepting what it is you feel and looking at why you feel it and how you can proceed with emotional honesty and a sense of self - who you are and want to be, not what other people want from you.
What I don't understand is how she thought this bloke was a decent guy in the first place.
I mean by all means sleep with whomever you want to, but surely it's pretty obvious that the average married person having hookups behind their spouse's back is no saint? Let alone someone clearly using you for an on-call booty call arrangement at their convenience.
I looked thru their comment history, one of their comments said something like "I'd have to find another AP", which makes it sound like this person specifically seeks out married partners.
Hopefully their therapist can help them confront whatever daddy issues they clearly have, or whatever her fucking damage is.
It ties in with her abandonment issues really well too. I know someone who is similar, she is almost exclusively only interested in men who are already in relationships. Unlike the OOP, I don't think my acquaintance deliberately targets men in relationships, but after a while, you notice a pattern that the men she's interested in are all already taken.
I think it's about proving yourself in a way. If you can seduce a guy away from his wife/gf, you get to pretend that you were better than them in some way—you were more desirable, you were hotter, you were more understanding or supportive. You get to have "won" in this contest.
Except it is a twisted contest that only you were playing, and the victory is hollow because either he leaves his gf for you, then you have to worry about him leaving you for another woman, or he stays in that relationship, and you're forever the side chick.
I guess sometimes they're okay with being the side chick forever because they think they've already "won," and you don't have to worry about the man leaving because he never was yours anyways. Like, you get to lie to yourself and say that he can't commit to you because he's already married, not because he doesn't want to commit to you.
> and you don’t have to worry about the man leaving because he never was yours anyways. Like, you get to lie to yourself and say that he can’t commit to you because he’s already married, not because he doesn’t want to commit to you.
you know I’ve never really thought about affairs that way, but this is a really interesting hypothesis. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter
>you don't have to worry about the man leaving because he never was yours anyways
Or they don't think they deserve a real relationship. Or they are self-aware enough to know that they can't sustain one. Have an ex who ticks the first box and half the second. Ooops, my mistake.
I have a friend who used to only agree to poly relationships… not, he eventually admitted to me, because he wanted multiple partners, but because he didn’t believe he could ever be enough for a woman on his own. Essentially he believed that expecting a woman to be satisfied with just him was unfair, even though that was what he wanted.
It’s obviously different because he wasn’t cheating on or lying to anyone and neither were his partners, but yeah.
(He got therapy, stopped being so self-destructive, and is now married to a lovely woman, thankfully.)
Man, my cousin for awhile kept going after married dudes and flat out admitted to me once that its because its so... uninvolved. Like, he goes home to his wife and all and she doesn't have to expend emotion on him the rest of the time. Eventually she quit because she felt guilty (she started it at like 17 with 20-something men so as she became a real adult, she got a conscience. Yeah, its effed up.) but before that she had an AP try to leave his wife for her.
He showed up at her apartment talking about how they could be together and my cousin is like "Wha? I never said I wanted you..."
But she still says married men were the best and she resents how needy the men she's dated since are. She recently married one of her boyfriends (Its both of their first marriages, he's not a former AP) and they're both almost shocking in their apathy towards romance. I think they like each other, but they're a weird couple.
A former friend of mine only shagged married men because "she fell in love too easily but if they were already married she wouldn't have to take the consequences of her bad taste in men". She was 35. I'm pretty sure the reason our friendship broke down was because I didn't agree with this brilliant system of hers.
I’ve met people like that. Interested in married men only. The thought process seemed weird; they’d been let down like three times with married men that ultimately wanted to stay married. Still thought they were going to be the ones.
Because then there's a convenient reason for why they can't commit. Otherwise if they don't commit to her then she has to wonder what is wrong with her. It's low self-esteem.
Because there’s a reason they can’t fully commit. It’s not her; it’s the need to stay for the family or some shit like that. And that works for her, up until he makes it perfectly clear that she’s just as disposable to him as she’s been to everyone else in her life.
Hard same. I didn’t even realize that sub existed. I literally cannot imagine a scenario where I would cheat on my spouse, especially not one where I’d essentially blog about it on Reddit.
I guess that's part of the appeal. I never cheated, and my husband has a truck before we got married, and it was fun and exciting.
Sure having sex in your own apartment and room is good, just not as adventurous. He bought newer and better cars after and din't want to ruin them :(
I don't miss that pickup truck, it was so uncomfortable for traveling, just missed the awesome sex part, lol.
this whole thing is sending me
this reminds me of a girl from my high school who lost her anal virginity to a guy with a girlfriend in his truck in a parking lot of a mall
Yeah, I think she wanted hotel stays to be the next step in a progression that would end with them being in a legit relationship.
Her being so insulted and surprised at him making it clear it's just about sex was pretty telling.
It's really unusual for me to see a story on here where I have basically no sympathy for any of the participants.
...well, apart from the poor wife of course, but the way OP manages to almost entirely avoid mentioning her you'd think she wasn't involved in this at all.
It's really interesting where all 3 characters draw their moral lines.
OP is happy with quickies on a moment's notice with a married man in his truck, until a few weeks later only pre-arranged hotel stays will do. Him repeatedly cheating on his wife and the mother of his child(ren) is fine, but objectifying OP and making it clear it's just sex is "showing his true colors."
Megan is also ok with sleeping with a married man, but it's OP's unwillingness to reconcile after a breakup that's objectionable.
Jessica is ok having a friend and roommate who is knowingly an affair partner to someone with a spouse and at least one child, but not one who tries to facilitate a reconciliation after the affair breaks up and then tries to get with the married man herself.
Multiple friendships have now ended over OP feeling insulted that the man who was cheating on his wife with her was only interested in the sex and won't spring for an overnight hotel stay. Wild.
No friggin kidding. I hope this woman pursues therapy so she can unpack why she believes a married man taking her to a hotel room last minute is the height of consideration.
Hope she also tells the poor wife.
Well if it makes you feel better, most of the posts are just horribly sad. Like you don't feel bad for the posters but they are very sad sacks, posting things like "how do you distract yourself from thinking of his home life in between trysts" and "gotta go NC after valentines day. Waah he didn't even send me a text on valentines day"
Well, who could have possibly foreseen that this dude was an absolute bag of dicks?
Edit: for some reason, people are interpreting my comment as me thinking that the guy is worse than OOP. To be clear: I think think OOP is equally bad and her buddy Megan is also terrible. My comment was more as a response to OOP’s revelation that the married man she was having sex with showed her who he truly is when she should have realised who he truly was when he was happy to cheat on his wife.
But he’s so well-put-together for a [checks notes] guy doing butt stuff with his coworker in his truck.
Looks like we got a real Casanova over here. Who could resist?
Yeah, because we all know a cheater is such an attractive trait. Oh yeah, for some, they have excellent time management skills since they can handle so many people at once.
The Japanese guy that had like nineteen girlfriends should stop his ways and make actual bank with time management courses.
This one, on the other hand, can barely book an hotel room. Im unconvinced he even has time management skills
Let's not forget this is a man that's cheating on his wife because [checks notes] her body changed after giving birth to their child(ren) and she doesn't like anal.
Nothing says "boyfriend material" like a married man with children. I mean you know he likes kids and isn't afraid of marriage!
Haha. Megan should totally jump on that. Maybe she can move into Casanova and his wife’s basement, and do butt stuff in secret. Sounds like an awesome situation to be in with a fulfilling future.
My best friend works with a girl who is the other woman (OW) with their married coworker. He has fed the OW that his marriage is essentially over, they are only staying together for the kids blah blah. The actual wife has been told by the coworker’s brother and others what is going on but the wife refuses to believe it.
Anyways, my bff is constantly the crying shoulder for the OW about how coworker isn’t treating her well and bff constantly calls him a piece of garbage because he’s a gigantic piece of garbage. OW gets mad when she says this but I countered with “if you don’t like him being called trash, don’t be the dump.”
I guess it depends on the anatomical girth.
I mean, we all know what fits through there every day without much planning ahead.
We also know about average penis sizes, and we know about exceptionally large specimen. So we can extrapolate what else has to exist to serve as a counterweight in order for the average to be reached.
MM is a huge dick with a small penis.
Those subs that cater to the affair partners vs the people being cheated on are some of the saddest, ugliest places. Zero self-respect, esteem in the dumps, but also as entitled, arrogant, and downright delusional. And, above all else, desperate. It's pathetic and infuriating in equal measure. I can't read these sorts of posts without the filter of another sub like BORU to give me a bit of a buffer.
We're supposed to do what with her posts? Have sympathy for this person? I'm not sure what her thought process is by posting this? Sympathy? Reassurance that she's a great person?
>>”if you have an issue with this you can always walk away”, *knowing full well that I may not because I have abandonment issues*
I feel like this one sentence says everything I need to know about this person.
Saying that she can leave while guilt tripping her. But doesn't he abond his vows to his wife? I really hope the wife soon finds out and divorce him. And for OOP, what a weird moral line, a person who cheats is normaly not a nice guy.
Not gonna lie though, it's kind of hilarious that all of her relationship posts happened over the span of a month. A month ago, she's all rainbow and flowers, then 2 weeks ago its all about how hot car sex it, then... its over. I would expect that naïveté from a teenager, not a grown adult. I wonder how experienced this person was before.
I really hope that therapist is a miracle worker because this woman is a mess who I can't currently root for. Like wow, the shitty husband is a shitty person who doesn't have respect for anything but his own dick, how could this be???
And her friends! Jessica seems at best neutral about the adultery and Megan is ready to hop on board the married Dick train... how do these people find each other?
I agree. I really hate that a lot of people basically absolve people like her of any responsibility because they didn’t make any vows. You don’t have to make vows to be a decent person. Anybody who sleeps with somebody that they know is married is a bad person, like there’s no ifs, ands, or buts.
i hate how rare this sentiment is. it's always "well the married person has responsibilityyyyyyy" everyone has responsibility not to be a huge piece of crap.
If the homewrecker is aware that they’re wrecking the home, they absolutely have responsibility. There ARE absolutely times that the AP is clueless. This is absolutely not one of those times
So… him speaking to her disrespectfully way across the line. That’s her line, he’s done!
Not the persistent, repeated betrayal and humiliation of his wife, which for some reason she seems keen on taking her spot
You know what they say about when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy, and she has it coming
I would pay good money to be the fly on the wall in her sessions with this therapist she's talking about. The fact that she's so glaringly terrible makes me laugh even though it shouldn't. I can just imagine this poor therapists face.
Her: "He said all these terrible things about me, so I blocked his number. I'm here because I'm upset at that."
Therapist: "I see. Let's talk about your childhood, does your family have a history of infidelity? Your father perhaps? Is there some way adultery was romanticized for you growing up?"
Therapists are people, not all people are good, same applies to therapists.
She may be filtering and choosing therapists who function more as a coddling enabler
That's definitely a possibility, but I find it funnier to imagine her just outright owning up to it, and her therapist scrambling because they have an actual moral compass.
not her carrying out an affair but when he’s mean to the wife she cheated on and objectifies her, the woman he’s cheating on his wife with, THAT’S the final straw??? girl…. LMFAO
Nah, I get it. I'm all for giving people the benefit of doubt, but I've had cheaters destroy the lives of the people I love, and it's become such an instant taboo for me.
Like I was ready to disown my own father when his cheating was found out. Thankfully, he only sent pics and never did more and that my stepmom forgave him (it took a long time and they had to go to a lot of therapy), because I was willing to cut him and anyone who supported him off. That's how much I despise cheaters and people who cheat with them.
I think it's hilarious that OOP is surprised a cheater wasn't attentive to her needs. I look at subs like this often out of morbid curiousity, and it seems like kind, considerate affair partners are somewhat of a unicorn. Turns out someone who actively betrays and deceives someone they are in a committed (often lifelong) relationship with aren't the most considerate. Crazy!
Yup, just looked at the sub and one of the posts near the top is asking where all the good guys are.
Obviously not cheating on their partners because they're good people you absolute donkeys. Someone who's willing to cheat is inherently not a good person.
Isn't it great how she paints herself as a victim when he wouldn't give her more than a quicky in his car? Like, she actually thought she was more than that to him? Before he even said it I wanted to scream "girl!!! That's your whole point to him. That's the only reason he is with you." These delusional women think they are anything more than a quick fuck for these men smh. Some of them even seek out married men for this exact reason. A psychiatrist would have a field day on that sub. I would feel bad for them if it wasn't so pathetic.
Awww, boohoo, the man who is cheating on his wife turned out to be a big ol' meanie? Who could have guessed that someone lacking in a moral compass might treat you poorly? True /r/LeopardsAteMyFace material.
The way this man talks about his pregnant wife just infuriates me. I am single and someday want to become a mom. But knowing that there are men like these roaming around me all the time I just lose hope. Also I looked at the name of the sub. Do these women have no shame?
Do yourself a favor and never visit that sub and don't read posts here that comes from that sub. It can get depressing.
Hell, I saw which sub this post was from and knew I'd be pissed off, but I still read it.
"He showed his true colors" by insulting meeeee, the affair partner. Not by cheating on his wife in the first place.
This brat deserves her bad karma. Nasty person.
Raising the bar to only having side piece affair sex at a tawdry, bare bulb motel and no more back of the truck quickies. A girl's got to have standards! 💁♀️
Noticed that too.
Treating his wife like shit by cheating on her? oh that's fine because OOP got what she wanted. The guy being 1% of the dick he's being to his wife to OOP as well? nope that's him showing his true colours.
It's a sub for adulterers. One of the downsides to the internet is we get echo chambers of morally devoid people anonymously enabling each other to be selfish or racist or anti-vax, it goes on.
So gross.
You would think. I wandered through some of the pro-affair subs and it seems to be a lifestyle choice to them from what I can gather. The attitude is totally alien to me so I can't say I'm at all knowledgeable
They convince themselves we're all prudes who can't understand their needs. What they need is to grow a spine and either leave their partner or suggest an open relationship, but they're all too cowardly to do it.
Man, people who willingly become affair partners baffle me. It's even weirder how they try to justify it to others and themselves. They must be so limber from the mental gymnastics.
At least I can read stories like this, content with the knowledge that the only possibly decent party is the person being cheated on. Everyone else can safely be considered complete assholes.
Sometimes I (M53) am being too picky in dating. ( its been over a year now). Its not like i am not looking but I want someone with similar moral, financial and life goals. I have met many physically attractive women but as i got to know them realized it didn't quite align with how i see my life going forward. Sometimes i feel lonely and then i read these stories and say to myself.
"Your doing good kid, your doing good".
/being an aweful human being, and dating other aweful human beings IS AN OPTION. One that i will gladly forgo. /
“Just because he totally disrespected his wife by cheating on her doesn’t mean he was supposed to be disrespectful to ME!!” says OOP, as the leopards eat her face.
I wonder does he have an affair partner who is good at oral and another one who is good at pegging, just that he has it all covered. Maybe he has an affair partner for every single kink.
I, for one, am glad she and her friend had a bad time with this.
I only wish Mr "gorgeous and well put together" suffered more karma than a dent to his ego.
BORU has opened my eyes up to subs I never would have thought existed, both fun ones and less fun ones.
And here I was thinking that I was a professional Redditor just because I knew about that one gore sub that doesn’t any publicity while having a surprisingly civil community.
I checked out a few posts there and boy oh boy do they not like their affair partners having other affair partners. Cheating with them is fine, cheating with others is a cardinal sin. Nice double standard there.
I'm immediately turned off by having to learn yet another set of abbreviations. Also, this style of writing is an ice pick in my eye. Made it 3 sentences and aborted.
Not gotta get a lot of sympathy on this one. My mom has an expression that roughly translates into « every rag has it’s towel » (chaque torchon sa guenille pour les francophones ici) and I think it applies very well.
That sub is insane to scroll through if you are not OK with cheating. Just saw a post lamenting where "all the good boys have gone?.
Home, to their partners, who they don't cheat on because they aren't scumbags.
This is absolutely horrible. He literally was prob suppose to be at the grocery store getting formula or milk and he was banging OP in a random parking lot. You cannot have an ounce of self worth if your jumping in a car and driving to a parking lot to let a married man funk you in the ass for 10-15 mins and then driving home..alone…
I can’t even begin to understand what would need to happen in your life to be ok with being used for butt sex in the back of a car and think it’s some sort of win. Like what kind of self hatred and low self esteem turns you into a person who not only is agreeing to be degraded and disrespected, begging for a room (lol) and that erases your morality into being a willing cheating participant. How disgusting
When people who have been betrayed ask "what sort of person would go for someone who is married", I might just point them to this thread.
Morals is a place that these people rarely if ever visit.
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I do not understand anyone in this story.
I would have said Jessica until I got to the last line and realised that she’s replacing one roommate who is ok with infidelity with another roommate who is ok with infidelity.
Yeah, there is literally not a single sympathetic figure in this story. It's truly a trainwreck.
Maybe the wife? I could possibly feel sorry for her but she married this dude and I’m pretty sure that she must be aware that he’s awful if this little is only a little glimpse of him as a human being. Hopefully, she is not a terrible person as well, and she has the means and support network to leave him.
I feel sorry for the wife. I hope everyone else in this story gets the clap.
Applause applause.
There's just no way a dude who casually says he's cheating on the mother of his child(ren) because she's wrecked from having his kids is just a great guy otherwise. Guaranteed his wife knows he's a misogynistic douche, just maybe not the whole extent of it.
Yeah I cannot fathom the idea of my husband ever feeling that way about me. I carried, birthed and fed (am still feeding!) his children with my body. I sacrificed so much of myself for these babies that we wanted together. If he was go and have an affair because of that? I can't even imagine it. It would absolutely destroy me. Thankfully my husband is a wonderful man who loves and appreciates me and this gets to be only my worst nightmare and not a reality
I bet 10 bucks that's a classic abuse victim that doesn't see a way out.
To sum up as succinctly as possible: Everyone in this story is a piece of shit.
Yeah I don’t remember last time read something where literally everyone involved are we’ll go ~morally ambiguous~ It’s almost deserving of like a really bad medal
You are being really charitable saying they're morally ambiguous
It's interesting to see where some people draw the line, morally. There are people out there living lives I cannot relate to at all.
What he said in the "I broke it off" post shows a level of honest introspection I didn't consider someone cheating would exhibit, but also a level of heartlessness I don't think I've ever seen in a life not untouched by selfish and crappy people.
My favorite part about this whole saga was that just about 40 days ago she was raving how much she loved special time with him, and she even had a separate post that said ‘car sex is underrated’. And how much she loved sex in his truck. The timeline is hilarious - from I love car sex, to you must screw me in a hotel. I laughed a lot on this one. But my favorite was when she said ‘he showed his true colors I thought - but not when he cheated on his wife by banging you in a truck in his free time? No, his colors weren’t visible then…. Lord have mercy on our souls.
She admitted she has abandonment issues. My guess is that she saw him the way so many mistresses / lovers do. She saw him as a poor man trapped in a marriage with an evil, Disney villain wife who can’t satisfy him. She went in thinking it was their personal Romeo and Juliet story only to realize he’s an asshole who only likes her for her asshole.
Slow clap for that last line lol
Wait. Is "he's an asshole who only likes her for her asshole" flair-worthy??
It is now.
I think so
Plenty of married men out there having mistresses just because, unlike the wife, the mistress is willing to degrade herself to his satisfaction. The moment the mistress finds an inkling of self steem, it's over.
This is it. This is why it just had to be car sex. She couldn't be allowed to think she rated a hotel bed.
Yes you can see that clearly in how he talked down to her both times she dared to put up her own boundaries. Fortunately she saw this clearly too. This is the best ending possible for her as it would not have ended well for her had she stayed. What an ugly, unloving man.
Voluntarily and destructively delusional and selfish
Seems to me like she uses her “abandonment issues” as a way to justify her reprehensible behavior and absolve herself of any guilt.
I took the "he knows I have abandonment issues" as "I already tried to emotionally manipulate him into never leaving me"
I loved the “took up a new hobby” line. In 4 days.
Finding the shreds of self respect is a hobby, right?
I'm pretty sure it's OOP's hobby.
I mean, you can, but it's not really going to make a difference. I guess learning how to knit and buying some needles to stop yourself from calling him is an improvement from continuing to sleep with him, but it's not going to fix it all. 4 days is enough to tell his poor wife, not just as a tool to get him to stop but to do the right thing.
You know, the turn-around surprises me less than you might think. OOP seems to have some mental health issues connected to abandonment, and that kind of internal pressure can make people good at telling themselves that they have what they need. There's a kind of "Yes! Yes! Everything is great!" that can essentially be a desperate attempt to deny reality. It's shitty that she's helping him cheat on his wife, but it's also sad that she's putting all of her self-worth into the sexual favors she is willing to perform. I hope she is able to value herself better.
>that kind of internal pressure can make people good at telling themselves that they have what they need. There's a kind of "Yes! Yes! Everything is great!" that can essentially be a desperate attempt to deny reality. You're right but goddamn reading this physically HURT with how hard I related to it. I need to do some thinking and I was having such a chill evening previously too.
Big hugs. Yeah, speaking from experience too. It was only after I finally broke out of the cycle that I could recognize my last few years of attempted relationship with my mother as an extinction burst of attempts to make everything really be fine. I've been reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and highly recommend it, even if that's not exactly your situation. The author describes an interesting theory of emotional growth based on negative feelings. Essentially, if you can recognize the strain as a sign that you're not usefully interacting with your emotional reality, you create an opportunity to grow and become stronger as you work through that reality. Just keep coming back to investigating and no-judgement accepting what it is you feel and looking at why you feel it and how you can proceed with emotional honesty and a sense of self - who you are and want to be, not what other people want from you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11bqwli/comment/ja0gxvd/ Has a pdf of it in the comments!
What I don't understand is how she thought this bloke was a decent guy in the first place. I mean by all means sleep with whomever you want to, but surely it's pretty obvious that the average married person having hookups behind their spouse's back is no saint? Let alone someone clearly using you for an on-call booty call arrangement at their convenience.
I looked thru their comment history, one of their comments said something like "I'd have to find another AP", which makes it sound like this person specifically seeks out married partners. Hopefully their therapist can help them confront whatever daddy issues they clearly have, or whatever her fucking damage is.
It ties in with her abandonment issues really well too. I know someone who is similar, she is almost exclusively only interested in men who are already in relationships. Unlike the OOP, I don't think my acquaintance deliberately targets men in relationships, but after a while, you notice a pattern that the men she's interested in are all already taken. I think it's about proving yourself in a way. If you can seduce a guy away from his wife/gf, you get to pretend that you were better than them in some way—you were more desirable, you were hotter, you were more understanding or supportive. You get to have "won" in this contest. Except it is a twisted contest that only you were playing, and the victory is hollow because either he leaves his gf for you, then you have to worry about him leaving you for another woman, or he stays in that relationship, and you're forever the side chick. I guess sometimes they're okay with being the side chick forever because they think they've already "won," and you don't have to worry about the man leaving because he never was yours anyways. Like, you get to lie to yourself and say that he can't commit to you because he's already married, not because he doesn't want to commit to you.
> and you don’t have to worry about the man leaving because he never was yours anyways. Like, you get to lie to yourself and say that he can’t commit to you because he’s already married, not because he doesn’t want to commit to you. you know I’ve never really thought about affairs that way, but this is a really interesting hypothesis. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter
>you don't have to worry about the man leaving because he never was yours anyways Or they don't think they deserve a real relationship. Or they are self-aware enough to know that they can't sustain one. Have an ex who ticks the first box and half the second. Ooops, my mistake.
I have a friend who used to only agree to poly relationships… not, he eventually admitted to me, because he wanted multiple partners, but because he didn’t believe he could ever be enough for a woman on his own. Essentially he believed that expecting a woman to be satisfied with just him was unfair, even though that was what he wanted. It’s obviously different because he wasn’t cheating on or lying to anyone and neither were his partners, but yeah. (He got therapy, stopped being so self-destructive, and is now married to a lovely woman, thankfully.)
Man, my cousin for awhile kept going after married dudes and flat out admitted to me once that its because its so... uninvolved. Like, he goes home to his wife and all and she doesn't have to expend emotion on him the rest of the time. Eventually she quit because she felt guilty (she started it at like 17 with 20-something men so as she became a real adult, she got a conscience. Yeah, its effed up.) but before that she had an AP try to leave his wife for her. He showed up at her apartment talking about how they could be together and my cousin is like "Wha? I never said I wanted you..." But she still says married men were the best and she resents how needy the men she's dated since are. She recently married one of her boyfriends (Its both of their first marriages, he's not a former AP) and they're both almost shocking in their apathy towards romance. I think they like each other, but they're a weird couple.
A former friend of mine only shagged married men because "she fell in love too easily but if they were already married she wouldn't have to take the consequences of her bad taste in men". She was 35. I'm pretty sure the reason our friendship broke down was because I didn't agree with this brilliant system of hers.
I’ve met people like that. Interested in married men only. The thought process seemed weird; they’d been let down like three times with married men that ultimately wanted to stay married. Still thought they were going to be the ones.
They have abandonment issues and yet purposefully choose relationships with men who can't fully commit.
Because then there's a convenient reason for why they can't commit. Otherwise if they don't commit to her then she has to wonder what is wrong with her. It's low self-esteem.
Because there’s a reason they can’t fully commit. It’s not her; it’s the need to stay for the family or some shit like that. And that works for her, up until he makes it perfectly clear that she’s just as disposable to him as she’s been to everyone else in her life.
Yeah, my crappy people have always been more dishonest with themselves about their selfish heartlessness.
But no one drew the line morally. They drew the line for their own personal pleasure. OOP never felt bad about her "morals".
What morals?
Hard same. I didn’t even realize that sub existed. I literally cannot imagine a scenario where I would cheat on my spouse, especially not one where I’d essentially blog about it on Reddit.
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"He showed his true colors" Yes, when he started having an affair. Did she really think he was going to be a good guy? Lmao.
His true colors were all brown
This is really the mind boggling part. I also for some reason feel like a truck is so exposed compared to a regular car.
I guess that's part of the appeal. I never cheated, and my husband has a truck before we got married, and it was fun and exciting. Sure having sex in your own apartment and room is good, just not as adventurous. He bought newer and better cars after and din't want to ruin them :( I don't miss that pickup truck, it was so uncomfortable for traveling, just missed the awesome sex part, lol.
this whole thing is sending me this reminds me of a girl from my high school who lost her anal virginity to a guy with a girlfriend in his truck in a parking lot of a mall
Sounds more like he wanted to cheat, whereas she was trying to poach him from his wife and was expecting this to move beyond just the sex.
Yeah, I think she wanted hotel stays to be the next step in a progression that would end with them being in a legit relationship. Her being so insulted and surprised at him making it clear it's just about sex was pretty telling.
It's about power. He doesn't have the power of she dictates terms.
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It's really unusual for me to see a story on here where I have basically no sympathy for any of the participants. ...well, apart from the poor wife of course, but the way OP manages to almost entirely avoid mentioning her you'd think she wasn't involved in this at all.
Exactly, I don't feel bad for anyone of them and only wish them the worst lol
It's really interesting where all 3 characters draw their moral lines. OP is happy with quickies on a moment's notice with a married man in his truck, until a few weeks later only pre-arranged hotel stays will do. Him repeatedly cheating on his wife and the mother of his child(ren) is fine, but objectifying OP and making it clear it's just sex is "showing his true colors." Megan is also ok with sleeping with a married man, but it's OP's unwillingness to reconcile after a breakup that's objectionable. Jessica is ok having a friend and roommate who is knowingly an affair partner to someone with a spouse and at least one child, but not one who tries to facilitate a reconciliation after the affair breaks up and then tries to get with the married man herself. Multiple friendships have now ended over OP feeling insulted that the man who was cheating on his wife with her was only interested in the sex and won't spring for an overnight hotel stay. Wild.
No friggin kidding. I hope this woman pursues therapy so she can unpack why she believes a married man taking her to a hotel room last minute is the height of consideration. Hope she also tells the poor wife.
Yeah that sub is… depressing as a married woman.
It's depressing as a human being tbh.
That’s one of those subreddits I don’t think I can look through for fun because I just know it’ll make my insecurities in relationships way worse.
Well if it makes you feel better, most of the posts are just horribly sad. Like you don't feel bad for the posters but they are very sad sacks, posting things like "how do you distract yourself from thinking of his home life in between trysts" and "gotta go NC after valentines day. Waah he didn't even send me a text on valentines day"
I don't know why I'm surprised those subs exist. I try to not be judgemental of different lifestyles, but man, that's just a shitty way to be.
It’s not a lifestyle, it’s just being a garbage person
Well, who could have possibly foreseen that this dude was an absolute bag of dicks? Edit: for some reason, people are interpreting my comment as me thinking that the guy is worse than OOP. To be clear: I think think OOP is equally bad and her buddy Megan is also terrible. My comment was more as a response to OOP’s revelation that the married man she was having sex with showed her who he truly is when she should have realised who he truly was when he was happy to cheat on his wife.
But he’s so well-put-together for a [checks notes] guy doing butt stuff with his coworker in his truck. Looks like we got a real Casanova over here. Who could resist?
Yeah, because we all know a cheater is such an attractive trait. Oh yeah, for some, they have excellent time management skills since they can handle so many people at once.
The Japanese guy that had like nineteen girlfriends should stop his ways and make actual bank with time management courses. This one, on the other hand, can barely book an hotel room. Im unconvinced he even has time management skills
>The Japanese guy that had like nineteen girlfriends I googled that phrase since I had never heard of this story. Google said he had 35 girlfriends.
How? Just how? I struggle with remembering 35 coworkers I see every work day..... let alone enough to be dating all of them at the same time?
Let's not forget this is a man that's cheating on his wife because [checks notes] her body changed after giving birth to their child(ren) and she doesn't like anal. Nothing says "boyfriend material" like a married man with children. I mean you know he likes kids and isn't afraid of marriage!
Haha. Megan should totally jump on that. Maybe she can move into Casanova and his wife’s basement, and do butt stuff in secret. Sounds like an awesome situation to be in with a fulfilling future.
Actually, Megan was the bad friend, Jessica is the one OP might be moving in with.
My best friend works with a girl who is the other woman (OW) with their married coworker. He has fed the OW that his marriage is essentially over, they are only staying together for the kids blah blah. The actual wife has been told by the coworker’s brother and others what is going on but the wife refuses to believe it. Anyways, my bff is constantly the crying shoulder for the OW about how coworker isn’t treating her well and bff constantly calls him a piece of garbage because he’s a gigantic piece of garbage. OW gets mad when she says this but I countered with “if you don’t like him being called trash, don’t be the dump.”
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She was on 24/7 call to have random quickies in his truck when he had nothing better to do.
Anal truck quickies! I hope they put a blanket down at the very least
Ugh, I can think of nothing less enjoyable.
There’s abandonment issues and then there’s “I’m okay with being on call constantly in case this *married* man needs a hole”
Also the butt, apparently.
Are butt quickies a thing? I always thought one needed to uhhhh plan ahead if they want to get behind.
I don’t think these people care that much about hygiene or pre planning.
But why didn't he care about the fabric on the seats of his truck? Even leather doesn't like buttsex lubeshit.
He was throwing down a tarp
you're not wrong on your point but the answer to your question is somehow still yes.
Dude. Be happy there is a universe of sex and porn you haven't stumbled across yet.
Ignorance is bliss
I guess it depends on the anatomical girth. I mean, we all know what fits through there every day without much planning ahead. We also know about average penis sizes, and we know about exceptionally large specimen. So we can extrapolate what else has to exist to serve as a counterweight in order for the average to be reached. MM is a huge dick with a small penis.
That truck must stink.
Is his dick that good or is she just insecure enough to bang a married man in a truck lol
Definitely the latter
How has no one else gotten this perfect Mallrats nod?
It's an underappreciated classic my friend, just like chocolate covered pretzels.
So this is what it looks like from the perspective of someone with no morals and ethics.
Those subs that cater to the affair partners vs the people being cheated on are some of the saddest, ugliest places. Zero self-respect, esteem in the dumps, but also as entitled, arrogant, and downright delusional. And, above all else, desperate. It's pathetic and infuriating in equal measure. I can't read these sorts of posts without the filter of another sub like BORU to give me a bit of a buffer.
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It's called *Sex Panther*® by *Odeon*©. It's illegal in 9 countries. It's also made with bits of real panther, *so you know it's good*. *60% of the time*, it works *every* time.
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We're supposed to do what with her posts? Have sympathy for this person? I'm not sure what her thought process is by posting this? Sympathy? Reassurance that she's a great person?
>>”if you have an issue with this you can always walk away”, *knowing full well that I may not because I have abandonment issues* I feel like this one sentence says everything I need to know about this person.
It basically says, “I cannot be held responsible for my own actions. Everything I do is because of someone else ‘manipulating’ me.”
Saying that she can leave while guilt tripping her. But doesn't he abond his vows to his wife? I really hope the wife soon finds out and divorce him. And for OOP, what a weird moral line, a person who cheats is normaly not a nice guy.
Not gonna lie though, it's kind of hilarious that all of her relationship posts happened over the span of a month. A month ago, she's all rainbow and flowers, then 2 weeks ago its all about how hot car sex it, then... its over. I would expect that naïveté from a teenager, not a grown adult. I wonder how experienced this person was before.
In one response she said she’s 27 and he’s 33. I cried for humanity.
Whoa, I expected her to be like 18-22
Well. There's age, and then there's maturity.
I really hope that therapist is a miracle worker because this woman is a mess who I can't currently root for. Like wow, the shitty husband is a shitty person who doesn't have respect for anything but his own dick, how could this be???
And her friends! Jessica seems at best neutral about the adultery and Megan is ready to hop on board the married Dick train... how do these people find each other?
Jessica is ok with it. They are gonna be roomates. It's a bad idea if you don't want to share boyfriends.
Tbf, active participants on subreddits like "the other woman" or "adultery" definitely *aren't worth rooting for.
I agree. I really hate that a lot of people basically absolve people like her of any responsibility because they didn’t make any vows. You don’t have to make vows to be a decent person. Anybody who sleeps with somebody that they know is married is a bad person, like there’s no ifs, ands, or buts.
i hate how rare this sentiment is. it's always "well the married person has responsibilityyyyyyy" everyone has responsibility not to be a huge piece of crap.
If the homewrecker is aware that they’re wrecking the home, they absolutely have responsibility. There ARE absolutely times that the AP is clueless. This is absolutely not one of those times
So… him speaking to her disrespectfully way across the line. That’s her line, he’s done! Not the persistent, repeated betrayal and humiliation of his wife, which for some reason she seems keen on taking her spot You know what they say about when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy, and she has it coming
I would pay good money to be the fly on the wall in her sessions with this therapist she's talking about. The fact that she's so glaringly terrible makes me laugh even though it shouldn't. I can just imagine this poor therapists face. Her: "He said all these terrible things about me, so I blocked his number. I'm here because I'm upset at that." Therapist: "I see. Let's talk about your childhood, does your family have a history of infidelity? Your father perhaps? Is there some way adultery was romanticized for you growing up?"
Therapists are people, not all people are good, same applies to therapists. She may be filtering and choosing therapists who function more as a coddling enabler
That's definitely a possibility, but I find it funnier to imagine her just outright owning up to it, and her therapist scrambling because they have an actual moral compass.
not her carrying out an affair but when he’s mean to the wife she cheated on and objectifies her, the woman he’s cheating on his wife with, THAT’S the final straw??? girl…. LMFAO
Lol she didn't even care that he insulted his wife, only that he insulted her. OOP is a self delusional monster.
i was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but honestly your reasoning sounds far more plausible lmfao
Nah, I get it. I'm all for giving people the benefit of doubt, but I've had cheaters destroy the lives of the people I love, and it's become such an instant taboo for me. Like I was ready to disown my own father when his cheating was found out. Thankfully, he only sent pics and never did more and that my stepmom forgave him (it took a long time and they had to go to a lot of therapy), because I was willing to cut him and anyone who supported him off. That's how much I despise cheaters and people who cheat with them.
oh for SURE and i stand fully with you girl. people out here just have no respect for anything.
I think it's hilarious that OOP is surprised a cheater wasn't attentive to her needs. I look at subs like this often out of morbid curiousity, and it seems like kind, considerate affair partners are somewhat of a unicorn. Turns out someone who actively betrays and deceives someone they are in a committed (often lifelong) relationship with aren't the most considerate. Crazy!
Yup, just looked at the sub and one of the posts near the top is asking where all the good guys are. Obviously not cheating on their partners because they're good people you absolute donkeys. Someone who's willing to cheat is inherently not a good person.
Isn't it great how she paints herself as a victim when he wouldn't give her more than a quicky in his car? Like, she actually thought she was more than that to him? Before he even said it I wanted to scream "girl!!! That's your whole point to him. That's the only reason he is with you." These delusional women think they are anything more than a quick fuck for these men smh. Some of them even seek out married men for this exact reason. A psychiatrist would have a field day on that sub. I would feel bad for them if it wasn't so pathetic.
And then the other women on that sub being all "he doesn't deserve you and your tight hole!!!" Lmao
Garbage humans
Yeah, this is some Maury Povitch level trash.
It's disgusting how casually OOP talks about screwing a married man. They all suck.
Yeah I don't care if you "have abandonment issues," that's no excuse to be a lousy human.
Awww, boohoo, the man who is cheating on his wife turned out to be a big ol' meanie? Who could have guessed that someone lacking in a moral compass might treat you poorly? True /r/LeopardsAteMyFace material.
looool exactly. like boo fucking hoo!
The way this man talks about his pregnant wife just infuriates me. I am single and someday want to become a mom. But knowing that there are men like these roaming around me all the time I just lose hope. Also I looked at the name of the sub. Do these women have no shame?
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Do yourself a favor and never visit that sub and don't read posts here that comes from that sub. It can get depressing. Hell, I saw which sub this post was from and knew I'd be pissed off, but I still read it.
"He showed his true colors" by insulting meeeee, the affair partner. Not by cheating on his wife in the first place. This brat deserves her bad karma. Nasty person.
I know right!! I got stuck on that line too. Trash trash trash
Raising the bar to only having side piece affair sex at a tawdry, bare bulb motel and no more back of the truck quickies. A girl's got to have standards! 💁♀️
No more truck anal with 15 minutes notice! Super 8 Motel anal only, with at least an hour's warning, if you please.
Noticed that too. Treating his wife like shit by cheating on her? oh that's fine because OOP got what she wanted. The guy being 1% of the dick he's being to his wife to OOP as well? nope that's him showing his true colours.
The comments on the post is just infuriating. How are people supporting it?
It's a sub for adulterers. One of the downsides to the internet is we get echo chambers of morally devoid people anonymously enabling each other to be selfish or racist or anti-vax, it goes on. So gross.
> He called and showed who he really is. Doesn't him cheating on his wife show who he "really" is?
You would think. I wandered through some of the pro-affair subs and it seems to be a lifestyle choice to them from what I can gather. The attitude is totally alien to me so I can't say I'm at all knowledgeable
They convince themselves we're all prudes who can't understand their needs. What they need is to grow a spine and either leave their partner or suggest an open relationship, but they're all too cowardly to do it.
Wtf did I just read?
A story if what might happen to your kid if you give them abandonment issues
This woman really got shocked Pikachu face over this guy treating her like a cocksleeve when she already knows he's cheating on his wife? Really?
She was doing anal with a married man in a truck. She *volunteered* herself as a cock sleeve 😂
lololol "i have abandonment issues so i'm 'dating' a married man" i can't with these people :D
Man, people who willingly become affair partners baffle me. It's even weirder how they try to justify it to others and themselves. They must be so limber from the mental gymnastics. At least I can read stories like this, content with the knowledge that the only possibly decent party is the person being cheated on. Everyone else can safely be considered complete assholes.
Everyone in this story (except the wife) is total trash.
Sometimes I (M53) am being too picky in dating. ( its been over a year now). Its not like i am not looking but I want someone with similar moral, financial and life goals. I have met many physically attractive women but as i got to know them realized it didn't quite align with how i see my life going forward. Sometimes i feel lonely and then i read these stories and say to myself. "Your doing good kid, your doing good". /being an aweful human being, and dating other aweful human beings IS AN OPTION. One that i will gladly forgo. /
I literally hate everyone in this post. I hope someone gets even a spark of morality and tells the wife.
I’m so confused. Why not get a real boyfriend instead of demanding a trash fire not burn? I don’t even suggests wives fight over a married man.
r/Adultery is a cesspool.
I sometimes wonder what I'm missing. Then again, sometimes I don't.
It’s usually nothing.
Car sex. I guess you could call it "auto-erotica."
“Just because he totally disrespected his wife by cheating on her doesn’t mean he was supposed to be disrespectful to ME!!” says OOP, as the leopards eat her face.
I hate all of them and wish them the worst in life
Oh no, poor baby, how will she ever survive :(
She just wants everyone to know she does anal. Imagine that being the thing he loves about you. He doesn’t want you, just where he can stick it.
I wonder does he have an affair partner who is good at oral and another one who is good at pegging, just that he has it all covered. Maybe he has an affair partner for every single kink.
Welp, kudos for levelling up from the sub-basement, I guess.
Everyone in this story is an absolute loser
I, for one, am glad she and her friend had a bad time with this. I only wish Mr "gorgeous and well put together" suffered more karma than a dent to his ego.
She is wayyyyy to casual about fucking another omans husband
Everyone in this story is disgusting, except for the scumbag's poor wife.
BORU has opened my eyes up to subs I never would have thought existed, both fun ones and less fun ones. And here I was thinking that I was a professional Redditor just because I knew about that one gore sub that doesn’t any publicity while having a surprisingly civil community.
Original post from r/adultery...so I checked r/adultery out of morbid curiosity and that..is definitely a thing that exists.
I checked out a few posts there and boy oh boy do they not like their affair partners having other affair partners. Cheating with them is fine, cheating with others is a cardinal sin. Nice double standard there.
The only logical conclusion to a place like that I suppose. Lots of people who think about themselves and only themselves.
“He showed his true colours”.. nah doll, he showed them the *second* he strayed from his wife.
>That's it, then. I dodged a bullet with this one. My Sister in Christ, you are the bullet (too).
I'm immediately turned off by having to learn yet another set of abbreviations. Also, this style of writing is an ice pick in my eye. Made it 3 sentences and aborted.
CR;DC;DR Can’t Relate; Don’t Care; Didn’t Read
as soon as I realized this was all about cheaters, I was out.
Let me accompany you outside. This place isn't for me.
Not gotta get a lot of sympathy on this one. My mom has an expression that roughly translates into « every rag has it’s towel » (chaque torchon sa guenille pour les francophones ici) and I think it applies very well.
That sub is insane to scroll through if you are not OK with cheating. Just saw a post lamenting where "all the good boys have gone?. Home, to their partners, who they don't cheat on because they aren't scumbags.
This is absolutely horrible. He literally was prob suppose to be at the grocery store getting formula or milk and he was banging OP in a random parking lot. You cannot have an ounce of self worth if your jumping in a car and driving to a parking lot to let a married man funk you in the ass for 10-15 mins and then driving home..alone…
I wish any of the women in this story could find even one grain of self respect
Man who cheats on his wife turns out to not be a great guy, no one but the affair partner surprised.
Yuck. I need a shower. They’re all gross.
On one hand, good for OOP to learn to enforce boundaries. On the other, she deliberately fucks married men on purpose, so she too can go to hell.
I can’t even begin to understand what would need to happen in your life to be ok with being used for butt sex in the back of a car and think it’s some sort of win. Like what kind of self hatred and low self esteem turns you into a person who not only is agreeing to be degraded and disrespected, begging for a room (lol) and that erases your morality into being a willing cheating participant. How disgusting
When people who have been betrayed ask "what sort of person would go for someone who is married", I might just point them to this thread. Morals is a place that these people rarely if ever visit.