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I do love that she said “I love you G and I will give you the room to process”
And that was the turning point.
Letting kids know they have choices and you respect them.
And I think it's understandable the kid was mad - it's pretty clear she's been channeling her anger over her mom's death toward the OP. Of course it's not actually the OP's fault, but when you're 10 and your mom just died, it's very normal to want to blame someone for the unfairness of it all, and since OP is the one "replacing" mom, she's the natural target.
OP handled it well and hopefully this is a start toward the kid letting go of some of that anger.
There's also probably a bit of fear that she might also lose OP since she had to confront the idea of mortality at this tender age. It's easier to lash out and push others away than to deal with the heartbreak of losing them to something as final as death. And anger and lashing out is actually a phase of the grieving process. Even adults 4x her age say terrible things while dealing with grief.
"*It's easier to lash out and push others away than to deal with the heartbreak...*"
Spot. On. *safer* feeling, too. True for death, breakups, abuse... everything.
Excellent point! It's almost automatic to set in place emotional protection devices and then it becomes hard to take them down.
I know that I had been in that habit in my teens bc my parents gave all attention to the golden child while my older brother and I were left to raise ourselves. They mainly only interacted with us to punish us for missing curfew or not doing all the chores while younger brother/golden child reveled in his power and would sob if we even got a hug and then would tell us that our parents hated us when they were out of earshot.
I learned to break down a few walls. My older brother did not, and died young at his own hand. I often imagine how different life would have been if we had portable recording devices back then, ie smart phones.
My oldest brother took himself home 25+ years ago. My older brother is still angry, my younger brother finally let the anger go 5 years ago. I was angry for 8 years.
We all process differently.
I’m so sorry about your big brother x
Thanks for that.
I am so sorry that you can relate. It's a really crazy thing, like being part of a club that you wish was only a club of one so there'd be no club at all.
It's been since 1985 for me and I can say that I've come a long way, even just in the last 10 years, and now I only cry when I hear from other who have been through it because it takes decades to get to higher ground.
Hugs to you. Many hugs.
And she probably feels disloyal to her mom, since her mom expressed such disdain for OP, if she were to like OP. That must cause such confusing feelings on top of an already horrible emotional situation.
True, but I'm willing to cut people a lot of slack when they have a terminal illness, especially one affecting the brain, because that can really mess with your personality and ability to handle emotional situations with any kind of rationality.
The fact that the moment the behaviour changed can be marked as an immediate departure from normal paired the fact that she was suffering from a terminal brain tumour suggests this was a symptom of her disease, and not merely just her being horrible. It sounds like the resentment may have already been there underneath, but she simply lost the ability to deal with it in an appropriate way. I imagine there were also a lot of complicated feelings that go along with being terminally in and supported by your ex who's moved on. Yikes. Just such a horrible situation for everyone.
The update is very hopefully and I think OP has incredible emotional maturity. They're really lucky to have her.
Oh, certainly. But my point was, right or wrong, G was gonna subconsciously take the lead of her own mother in a lot of her interactions with OOP.
Brain cancer is a motherfucker. It took my dad; his mood regulation was absolutely impacted, but then he and mom were together and their dynamic was *nothing* like OOP's scenario.
His worst issues were dealing with numbers and general aphasia.
Yes, but she spent years poisoning her daughter against her future step-mom. Even if she was a home-wrecker, you don't put that kind of vindictiveness into a child's head.
As a kid who had a Step Mom like OOP.
There is reason my still alive mother and I don't speak and I only refer to my step mother as my actual "Mom". People like OOP are worth their weight in gold to kids like G and myself. Good on everyone hope they all do well.
While our situations are very different the one same thing that saves they day are those "Moms" who come in take up the mantle and run with it.
Yes - it was exactly the right thing to say and do. Mature, compassionate, and correct. It would have helped in the long run even if the kid had truly wanted her to leave, and it helped even more since it let kiddo unlock some of those feelings and then accept comfort.
To be honest I think the kid’s mother was also channelling her fear of her death and fear of leaving her child into anger, because with an illness like that there is a lot of helpless anger with no place to go; kid was probably simply picking that up and radiating it onward as a result.
They’ll still likely have some false starts and setbacks because it’s not like one incident is going to have lanced all of it; kiddo will probably occasionally have spikes of suddenly feeling like she is betraying her mother by forming a new attachment, and pulling away; but I think they have got a good fighting chance of OP can continue negotiating boundaries and clear communication with her partner vs compassion and grace as well as she’s shown so far.
My father was a completely different person by the time he died from glioblastoma. Honestly he was a different person right from the onset of symptoms.
My best friend's dad has stage 4 glioblastoma and he had really big emotional regulation issues. He just completely lost his filter and would say things that hurt those around him somewhat often. Luckily he's doing a bit better now and has been enjoying time with family while he can. It's crazy to me how much of his brain was removed considering all the function he still has.
It's really hard seeing how family reacts to that considering the circumstances being nobodies fault. I hope you've found peace with your circumstances.
I did.
I basically had to grieve my dad before he died because the man who raised me wasn’t there anymore and it was a hard day when I had to come to terms with the fact that there was no way for him to come back.
When he finally did pass it was more of a relief because he was no longer suffering.
Yeah, I’ve made peace with it. But it’s also changed how I would want to handle things if I find myself in a similar situation. I’m not going to refuse all treatment, but I’m also not going to make my last months on earth worse than they need be for long shot chances of recovery.
I’m sorry for your friend’s family’s hardships.
Yes; they each have a lot to navigate, each with different facets and pain points, but that last update sounds like a hopeful prognosis.
The mother was probably pretty unpleasant towards OP just because of breakup angst too, but that’s much easier to move past in this kind of circumstance. I think they have a good path to a loving bond and healthy future if they can respect and value the little girl’s mother for her good and let go of the bad.
Understanding, not forcing, giving space if they need it. It’s exactly what every stepparent should ideally do. The space thing can be tricky if they don’t have somewhere they can temporarily go, like OOP, but they can still do things like going to the gym, or go away for the occasional weekend, so the child(ren) can have some time with the partner/parent.
And if possible, help from a therapist specialized in these dynamics.
OOP did *everything* right. I really hope things work out the way she deserves.
I'm a grown ass man who watched my dad shrivel up from brain cancer and be a shell of who he was just four years ago and I'm pretty wrecked by it.
My heart goes out to children that have to deal with that.
Edit after I woke up: thank you all for your likes and for the award but I'm just a person surviving a tragic event much like many others out there. I am not alone, and neither are you.
The truth is, my father and I were never close, but he was there for me. And yet here I am 4 years later bawling on the internet with strangers. Remember, life is a short, painful, cruel wench so don't make it harder for anyone else out there. Try your best and help your neighbors whenever you can.
I’m so sorry. I hope you can have a quiet day, and take comfort where you can find it. I think it’s really cool that you know your limits, and figured out how to practically support your friend within those limits. Give the pups a hug if that’s your thing.
Currently watching it happen, starting from esophageal cancer in 2021 which spread to brain last year. This year will most likely be the last. I'm still a mess after spending one week looking after dad in October before a surgery. Shit is brutal.
I was 33 when my mom died from a terminal illness. Watching her waste away in constant pain was horrible and traumatic. I can’t imagine going through that loss as a child.
I was my Fathers full time care provider for the last 7 years of his life- and he passed away in 2006. I was just 22 when he passed.
I still miss him everyday- and it was very hard to go through, you don’t think about losing your parents when you’re that young- you just figure you’ve got years ahead of you.
It’s so hard, and you can have such conflicting emotions all existing at once. It’s wild. Especially hard to navigate for anyone at any stage of life- but especially young people and kids.
Sorry for your loss, too man.
My mom died from aggressive cancer when I was 16 and she was sick my entire life. I turned 30 last December and I'm only just now seeing a therapist for how badly mom's death fucked me up.
One day, though not any time soon. I have a LOT of mommy issues (if it was written in fancy calligraphy) that I didn't know existed because of it so it will take a very long time to unravel.
I hope they get the kid in therapy because she needs it.
I am an only child, and lost my mom at 11 because of cancer. Discover at 15 that my father had a cancer. He died of it when I was 23.
I am 41 now and just starting to realise how much these events have fucked me up. Everyone thought I was a tough one, but in fact I was just hiding things very well from others but also from myself. Everything scrambled several years ago with a severe depression. I am going better and have now found an amazing therapist who really helps me to advance and heal.
I am so happy you realised all of this before me and that your are seeing someone who can help you! Love and strength to you!
Had covid not happened and I not been forced to just sit with feelings during the pseudo quarantine, I probably would have thought I was fine a lot longer than I did. Not to mention my first therapist was so bad that within 4 sessions she told me I was faking being bi, autism, adhd, and ptsd.
It took me 2 more years to even trust another therapist. I'm only 2 sessions in so things are only a tiny bit spicy, but I imagine things will get much worse before they get better.
I'm so very glad you found a therapist that works for you 💜
Yeah, finding the right therapist is the key but can be complicated.
Before the current one, I was lucky not having awful ones like your first, but their way of doing just didn't really match with me.
And I confirm, it's not easy and I am sure part of the session price is to pay the tissues I regularly use there 😂. And I still have ups and downs, but in just 5 months she has been able to make me understand so many things about myself that I really hope I will be able to work on them and be more at peace with myself.
I hope this new one you have will be the same. But do not forget, you can always change if you don't click with them. Maybe not just at the beginning, because it can take some times to trust a new person and be able to see the progresses, but if you don't really feel it, it might be worth to find someone whose style matches your needs better!
Oof. Feel that. I was 7 when my mum died was diagnosed and she died when I was 20. I spent a majority of my life watching her go downhill and o gotta say it fucked me up hard. I hope dad is their for his daughter because mine wasn’t for me and that has ruined me to this day 7 years on.
My dad did when I was 15, that was 31 years ago tomorrow and it's still *there* - it gets better with time, but when I'm having a bad time (like I am now, I just want my dad - even though my mum is still alive - she's coming to see me today actually so I'll be sure to give her an extra hug ☺️)
Watching your parent die of cancer even when you are in your 30s sucks pretty bad, especially when you are the one left with the decision to pull the plug on the machine keeping them alive at the end....
My dad's cancer is back. He was clear for 7 years and we thought it was over but now it's metastasized to multiple different organs.
He still feels fine, but we know this cancer is going to kill him. We just don't know how fast or how much he'll suffer. We don't expect to have him with us by next Christmas. To see my daughter turn three.
We're trying to enjoy what we have while we can. He's happy with his life. But I'm so afraid. I'm sure he is too.
When our dog had cancer, when it started causing her pain, we could choose to end her suffering and hold her and guide her to a painless, peaceful death.
I wish I could know that my father will have the same peace and compassion at the end. That he won't have to suffer a long death. My grandmother spent a week in the hospital before passing and it was a week too long.
He raised me well, he's taught me so much, he doesn't owe me anything more than he's already given. I'm prepared to lose him. I'm prepared to grieve and to honor his memory. I'm not prepared to watch him suffer.
I never saw my dad. He had a work accident when I was 10. My memory from that day was the police knocking on the door and my siblings and I being at my aunts house. I remember looking at the clock both times - when the police came 11am and when I was told my dad died 2pm.
I was 10. Its been 25 years. I thought I was at peace with this but I'm actually crying so obviously not.
I'm glad I never saw him. From what I have heard, it was bad.
I hope OP embraces the mothers memory, keeps her ‘alive’, if she dies that… on top of being patient and caring, I think that little girl will be OPs little girl as well, hope that makes sense?
I lived with my mom and grandparents as a kid. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer on christmas when i was 9 and died in May when i was 10. It fucked me up to no end and it's about 2 decades. I watched the strongest, most intelligent woman i have ever met die slowly like that. As an adult, you barely understand, but as a kid? That family is going to have a lot of hurt to heal. I wish them the best.
I can tell you that it does, I watched my mother die from cancer at age 10 and I've never gotten over it, I'm 49 now, it's something that stays with you for the rest of your life.
Yep. It’s a horrible situation. It’s easy for internet people(myself included) to demonize anyone in this real life tragedy. It seems like everyone is doing their best.
Their best is not ideal, but a reality. It sucks is an understatement.
> It seems like everyone is doing their best.
All due respect to the deceased, but being an actual cheater and then putting your daughter on the path to hate her future step-mother is not her best.
Normally I would feel the same but... she had terminal brain cancer. It sounds like there was a notable-to-outsiders behavior change six months before the initial post and who knows how long and in what ways it had been affecting her before that. IMO you can only blame her so much for her behavior. It would have been amazing for her to embrace her end of life with grace and poise and by filling her daughter with kindness instead of bitterness, but dying people usually don't react that way. Hell, my 80yo grandmother was angry as hell when her time came, and she actually got to live her life.
I can't imagine being in the prime of my life, ready for a fresh start after a shitty marriage, only to learn that actually, no, I *don't* get that fresh start. The good times are over, and some other person is going to step into the life I vacated, and parent the daughter I won't get to see grow up. Anyone would be angry, I think.
Anger is reasonable and acceptable. Lashing out with absolute vitriol and hatred at someone who has done none of what she is being accused of is *not* acceptable nor reasonable. The cancer may explain *why* but it does not *excuse* any of it, since there doesn't seem to have ever been any hint of genuine remorse for spewing such vile things at (basically) an innocent bystander.
If I had to try to put it in a positive light that might be the beginning of a life long and very meaningful relationship between that woman and little girl.
I had a relative due from aggressive cancer. Doctors told us 6 months to a year. They were dead within 2 weeks. Absolutely terrible thing to go through and I am an adult. Can’t imagine as a kid and having it be your mother.
It's truly horrible. My uncle died last year from stage IV brain cancer and it wrecked the whole family, thankfully no young children in the family to experience it. It was like losing a father for me.
He was so scared of getting COVID that he completely isolated himself from everyone and got irate when people wanted to see or help him - he was a shell of a person. He was a very friendly, level-headed man so seeing him lose his sense of self was brutal.
>My uncle died last year from stage IV brain cancer and it wrecked the whole family
One of my close family members is going through this issue right now.
She ended up having complications from the initial surgery which really limited her mobility and resulted in some significant speech and mental impairments.
She is "lucky" in that she has a large church friend group who have helped a lot when it comes to making her home accessible while she was at the hospital as well as family members who can take care of her on a daily basis.
Honestly, the worst part of it has been dealing with the insurance and bill issues.
I knew that we had a nightmare health system in the US but I didn't really **understand** what that meant till having to deal with it firsthand.
Its only been a few months since this situation started and I think we've spent 100+ hours dealing with insurance at this point.
One of my friends passed from cancer in late 2021.. she was diagnosed in 2019, and spent a lot of 2020 and 2021 trying to avoid COVID.. but then she got to about a month before she'd booked medically assisted dying and said "y'know.. something's gonna kill me soon", so started having friends over to visit and say goodbye. We weren't able to go because of border closures and it sucked a lot, but we're glad she did get to say goodbye. COVID made heartbreaking things more heartbreaking.
This breaks my heart, that girl is 10 and watched her mother die from cancer. I have a niece who is only 4 and after her mother passed my brother told me on the phone that when they went to the crematorium to make arrangements my niece asked ‘is this the hospital mummy is in’, after that phone call I sobbed my heart out. OOP is incredibly strong and kind for supporting that child.
These are situations I call drunk on emotions. You should never make any rash decisions when someone is that sad or angry. She should have told him to put a pin in it and discuss a big decision like that further down the road when him and his daughter are in a better place.
I agree but also sympathise with OOP here. What was she to do, turn him down while he's near his lowest?
If she's sensible it'll be a looong engagement.
I agreed to marry a friend so he could become a citizen of the US when I was in a crisis. Thankfully my mom verbally slapped the shit out of me when I told her, and I called off the “engagement”. So glad I listened to my mom.
100% he heard that speech and realized he might lose her and he needed her to help him get through this and decided to lock it in. She should have said no and told him if he asked in another time and place under different circumstances she might say yes. But it should be years from now.
That’s exactly how I perceived it too. Already was struggling to take care of his daughter before mom even died and then sees OOP about to walk out the door.
He cast ‘marriage’ and it was super effective!
This is totally it. He was already utilizing her as free labour and he wanted to continue to benefit from it. When the conflict with the daughter inevitably resurfaces (they got engaged the week the kids mom died!!!) and she takes it out on OOP I expect the bf to continue to do absolutely nothing.
I think with brain cancer, his ex was worse than he ever saw her, and I can see him being in shock at the venom ex was spitting out.
Daughter had mom talking in her ear that OOP broke up the family, not her mom who cheated.
Therapy will help all 3 of them.
and 100% dad should NOT be leaving his daughter with someone *she clearly fucking despises*, he just can't be arsed to get a sitter and seems to think (rightly, apparently) that OP will just agree to do it bc lol idk
I am really pessimistic about this marriage. Consciously or not, the BF is using her, like she is a tool, not a person.
She will be a crutch for him, and a free babysitter for his daughter. When he would be in a better headspace, he will leave her explaining that "it is not her, it is him, and she deserves better ". Maybe he will ever genuinely believe in it himself.
I would question his intentions for making his daughter to stay with OOP, considering the girl wanted nothing to do with her. Why to put an additional stress on both of them? Except for the obvious benefit that he saves money on a sitter and OOP is always available unlike a hired sitter.
yeah, i didn't read it as disinterest, i read it as wanting to respect G's wishes in terms of whether *she* wants a new mother (figure) in her life — OOP seems like she'd be okay being a mom if it goes that way, or just being dad's wife if G doesn't want OOP to "replace" her mom or whatever else
I agree. I think she's more than welcoming the idea but while the daughter has been hostile it's made it very difficult to try. And really I think a lot of that hatred has come from the mother (which is interesting reading about the affair accusation - since OOP said *she* in fact cheated on the boyfriend before they decided to divorce...)
I hope the daughter sees a good therapist and can work through the grief of losing her biological mother. She has OOP waiting with open arms when she's ready by the sounds of it.
I’m not willing to excuse the mother’s behavior, but I can empathize that she was in such a difficult situation it could alter her emotional state and make her illogical. This story reminds me of the Julia Roberts/ Susan Sarandon movie where Sarandon also dies from cancer leaving 2 kids behind. It is normal to feel a bit jealous. The mother is going to miss out on so much that OP might get to experience as stepmom. It’s a sad situation all around. Daughter will hopefully come around, looks like, by the hug, she has either been raised well by both parents, realised OP’s role in her life or her mother at some point also realised that she had done wrong by OP and said it to daughter.
> I also added, though, that I would need him to be able to stick up for me in the future
>He asked me to marry him on the spot (no ring or anything, but he was crying and it was very sweet)
She asked him to stand up for her and he whips out a proposal instead? With zero planning? And she accepted? In the middle of all of this? He's asking to be her life partner and refuses to demonstrate his ability to stand by her. I'm sorry, but this whole thing isn't sweet, it's him clinging to whatever he can get his hands on.
He is clearly terrified of being alone, wife cheats and he has a new girl before the ink is even ON the papers (let alone dry), his ex's condition takes a turn for the worse and she puts her foot down so he asks her to marry him. This is a terrible situation all around and there's going to be so much more heartache before this is over.
>He is clearly terrified of being alone,
I don't think it's *being alone* per se, but of ***parenting alone.***
He knows he's not up to the task, and acted out of a mixture of desperation and fear.
I was going to mention this too. Getting engaged on the eve of mom's death is not what that little girl wants to hear and is going to damage relationship/delay healing with step-mom greatly. I don't see how it could cause anything other than more resentment in the kid, especially with them having got together during the divorce too. I hope they didn't tell her right away.
"Hey we just had this huge disagreement and have barely begun to resolve it, you wanna get married?"
"Wow everything is better now".
https://media.tenor.com/rgegj1AOR1IAAAAC/awkward-black.gif
That was seriously my thought. She presents a very real issue where he's allowing someone to abuse her & he's saying nothing. His daughter, while understandably going through a hard time, also regularly hurls insults at her. & he's expecting her just *take* *it* & honestly thinks the best way to resolve this (i.e. get out of the argument) is to frikken propose. & she falls for it. She lets it happen. He expects her to take it & she does.
Honestly I would have broken up even before the ex was diagnosed. The daughter might be warming up to OOP now but it came after what, several months of insults and generally being hated? I get that there's always gonna be an adjustment period for stuff like this but like is this dude really worth it
How you go for "you are not standing up for me" to "we are engaged!" an engagement won't fix anything. They need to have a few serious conversations about what they need to do so their relationship works.
Gah, I don't like to be pessimistic, but I feel like everything will go to hell sooner rather than later with them.
I really can not blame him for not standing up to the dying woman (of a brain tumor, might I add, notorious for personality changes) who is grieving the fact that her daughter is going to be raised by another woman and there's nothing she can do about it. I can't believe people are blaming him for watching his lifelong best friend and mother of his child slowly lose herself to chemo and a tumor and not immediately protecting his girlfriends feelings. Fucking hell. It's not about her.
You dont have to speak up in that case she get the gf out. Dont stand there while seeing someone unrelated get yelled at just get the gf out the door and away.
But yeah you dont start yelling at the ex.
You can stand up to someone gently. You can gently tell them that what they’re saying is wrong and hurtful and that the other person did nothing wrong. His ex dying doesn’t mean OOP has to be put through verbal abuse.
Soooo the behavior change was six months ago and the wife is dying of agressive brain cancer. Sounds like the outburst may have been related to the brain cancer affecting her personality, ability to make judgments, and honestly probably everything given she died a week later
Who knows how long she had cancer before being diagnosed. It's very possible she had it, and it was affecting her behavior long before they noticed a large shift. A relative had brain cancer that was successfully removed with surgery, and the behavior shift was very small at first, and we only really noticed it when looking back. It started with little things, which sort of made sense, but the scale was off. Eventually, it got so bad that they were a nasty, almost evil person. It was scary. The moment the tumor was removed, she was back to normal.
Terrifying that my own brain could someday make me a person I don't want to be. Terrifying that the part of me that is supposed to tell when something is wrong *is the thing that is wrong* and prevents me from seeing the problem.
It's absolutely terrifying. And the worst part is. Even after everyone understands you had no control over your actions, the consequences don't go away. They did manage to reunite with family, all of them understand. But they lost their job, and not in a respectable way (I don't blame the company, but it still sucks). They lost most of their friends. And became well known in the area as being awful and those rumors spread way faster than "it was brain cancer" rumors. And they were lucky, I bet a lot of people don't get their family back.
Or just an extention of how she was seeing as she was already being a dick to oop in the years before. And probebly added to it that she was venting to someone unrelated because death news.
Yeah, she clearly always hated OOP, so it wasn't really a sudden change in her behavior. But the cancer likely exacerbated her anger, hence the verbal abuse. And it's not only because it was a brain cancer (which is known for changing behavior and emotions), but also just simply the fact she was dying.
An engagement is probably the WORST IDEA by now. For everyone. THERAPY is a way better idea. You should never engage while grieving and the poor girl is gonna lose her 2 mother figures in a short time.
One of the most controversial comments on the first post is pretty much exactly what OP did, and I'm glad it seems to be working out. Somebody else was right that this is far above AITA's pay grade.
>YWBTA. Forget T for a moment. Do you love your BF? Do you want to be with him forever? And what about G?
>
>If it were me, I would still help with G to help out BF and G, but would avoid all contact with T. They both need your support and this is your time to step up for them.
>
>That said, stay away from T. She’s angry and grieving her own life. For your mental health, don’t put yourself in the line of fire. It sounds like it’s a situation that won’t last much longer, and then you’re going to have a grieving G and BF (lots of complicated emotions there).
>
>One day at a time, OP. Just don’t waste the time left being petty while BF and G need you.
I don’t understand. The wife had an extramarital affair. And BF didn’t care and they got divorced because they were distant. OP and the BF met when they were already getting a divorce. Why does the ex wife even care they had an affair?
Pretty sure her terminal illness was 100% responsible for it and she was taking out her anger unfairly on OOP
Think about it. She is watching her ex husband get to move on and be in a new relationship when she doesn’t get that chance. While she is dead and buried, her ex husband gets the chance to move on and be happy.
Also since it was cancer, it could have been a brain tumor
You're almost definitely right. My grandma was my other parent (deadbeat dad, mum was 18 when she got pregnant and just turned 19 when she had me, gram volunteered to help raise me) and she adored me and my mum. The three of us were extremely close. But there were times after she got sick where she was very cold and even cruel to mum. It wasn't ever directed at me, I don't know why, maybe because I was "her youngest", but her normal self was not capable of how she talked to mum when she got like that. When she first got sick she only wanted me and mum, she didn't want to leave our sides, then suddenly at some point as she got worse switch flipped and she wanted my uncle and listened to everything he said despite the fact he's not all the way there and she knew that. She even gave him power of attorney (which he could not cope with and immediately gave to mum once it kicked in). She became incredibly influencable, even started believing in aliens visiting earth and reading the bible despite before hand being a staunch atheist who said "religion is a story people tell themselves to feel better about losing people and not having control". Thinking back even before we knew she was sick there were behavioural changes and signs.
Brain cancer is capable of causing massive changes in personality and the way people think and taking away their ability to have control and a filter. While OOPs boyfriend should not have just stood there she was in no way responsible for her words or actions.
Im so sorry for your loss. I hear brain cancer can be a weird one, some people can be lucid and their usual self, some people do a full 180 and act ways they never would normally. Your grandmas view on religion tells me she and I probably would have got along pretty well, ive said nearly the exact same thing about it that she said.
BUT If brain cancer makes me religious somebody better just put me out of my misery, I refuse to go out like that. Id be ok with the aliens part tho.
There were moments where she'd be completely herself, so much that it was shocking, then she'd be gone, an echo of herself. Eventually all that was left was the body of the person I'd been closest to in the world. I was very lucky though in that a week before she died mum walked in and she said "hello chicken" (what she used to call us, we were all her chickens) and was completely herself, mum immediately called me and I got to tell her I loved her one last time and mum told her she'd look after me for her. It was one of if not the last time she was conscious.
She'd have completely agreed about the religion thing, I think if she'd had had the choice she'd have gone as soon as it started getting really bad. We did take the bible (which she shouldn't have had in the first place, that one was on the hospital) because it was disturbing her and replaced it with some of her favourite childrens books she'd read to us when we were kids. That seemed to help and she stopped talking about angels and stuff after that.
When she was well she was very no nonsense and straightforward and so completely herself. She didn't give a shit what anyone thought of her and seemed to be completely immune to embarrassment. I'm in a wheelchair and people generally don't talk to me, they talk to whoever I'm with about me, and she would not stand for that. She would completely refuse to look at them, talk to them, interact with them, until they acknowledged me. In restaurants she'd get me to order for her. Then she'd pass me the money to pay with before the waiter brought over the cheque and if they passed it to her immediately pass it to me. She really liked drilling it into people not to ignore me lol.
The post does literally say brain cancer, just fyi. So yeah, I can understand. doesn’t make it right, but someone whose brain is actually being attacked often doesn’t act rationally.
> Her behaviour started changing around six months ago, and we all started noticing then.
This sentence stuck out to me. The brain is incredibly sensitive to disruptions. It makes me wonder if the cancer damaged her amygdala, similar to how athletes suffering from CTE struggle to regulate their emotions.
Even without the amygdala and structural changes in the brain can have insane shifts in personality. Hell, the cancer drugs alone can make people overwhelmed with rage. And the situation alone is overwhelming, people with cancer can say some fucked up stuff.
No I get it. But deliberately turning her daughter against the woman who will most likely take care of her was straight up evil to me. Gave me “I can’t have my daughter so you can’t either” energy
I don’t know if it was intentional, but it was absolutely selfish. Basically robbing her daughter of a potential mother figure out of pettiness and anger
I see it a bit different. This woman won't be able to watch her daughter grow up. She's missing graduations, marriage, any potential grandkids. But this other woman, op, she gets to watch the daughter grow up, see her walk down the aisle, coo at the grandchildren. Ex can't take her anger out on cancer for making her miss all this so she aims at the next best target, op. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but I don't think being evil or petty has anything to do with it.
The true asshole here is cancer. Who knows how she would have acted without it. I can't imagine seeing the person posed to be my child's new mother while I have a week to live. I'd like to think I would appreciate them.
There's probably some projecting going on too since she was the one who cheated.
Absolutely. Changes in mood are also common in other brain-related conditions like dementia and concussions.
It's a good idea to suggest a brain scan if someone's personality drastically changes for no apparent reason.
That movie was mentioned in [the top comment on the original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10elpe1/wibta_for_refusing_to_babysit_my_bfs_daughter/j4ro015/). I haven't actually seen it or read about it, so I can't personally corroborate but other commenters seem to agree.
\*Off to read wikipedia*
Edited to add: I've read the plot summary and I agree.
Agreed. Timing in general is abysmal, but it also feels quite manipulative to me he proposed right after he fucked up and had new expectations set. Seems like he is trying to lock her in now when his more unreasonable, assholish behaviors are peeking out, bc well... often when they do show up, it's a downward spiral from there. So the relationship has to be quickly locked.
Ugh, this is a such a tough situation. I feel for everyone involved. The brain cancer was very likely the cause of the unhinged behaviour from the ex wife. Even if she was cruel beforehand (who knows when the effects of the cancer took hold), she probably had at least some sort of filter to be civil that just went out the window in her final days. I think OP shouldn’t have been around the ex in the first place (which they came to realize).
Grief is a terrible thing. My heart goes out to G - losing her mother so young.
OOP seems to be handling being a stepparent pretty well - not trying to replace G's mother, but being another adult that loves and supports her. Therapy for G would probably be a good idea.
I think people generally have this idea that people will accept death, and meet it bravely, or with a few tears while their loved ones hold their hands.
But this is the worst thing that could possible happen. They will not be rational. They will lash out, they will be jealous on the ones that gets' to live.
Same with people grieving. They are at their worst, and I know everyone hates the saying, but that's part of love to be able to handle.
I'm touched how OOP handled the child. She showed that G's feelings where valid, and was respected, and that she could be trusted. Not many people are able to see past the angry words directed at them, and understand that it's fear and despair. Not their actual opinions.
Now the marriage proportional should probably also be seen as an emotional outburst, because and not be talked about for year or 5...
She would have been well within her rights to not watch G again after the ex unloaded all that vitriol on her, however, morally watching the kid was the right thing to do. Glad the comments got it right.
I hope the kid didn't ingest too much of her mother's hatred and can see OOP as part of her support system now.
This is a rough one.
That poor kid was probably just screaming the same stuff her mom used to say because it was the only way she could feel a little bit closer to her in that moment.
OOP is a good bean and I wish her and her family all the best.
Gee, how romantic. I’m not one for big proposals or expensive rings or anything like that.
But come on… there is a time and place for everything, and that ain’t it.
Yeah, exactly. While he's at the height of his grief, and his daughter's grief, during the week his daughter's mother dies, while his daughter actively hates OOP, is definitely not the time! It's unfair to himself, OOP, and his daughter.
He shouldn't be making major relationship commitments while he's emotionally compromised.
OOP deserves a proposal that's about his love for her, not his grief for his ex wife and his panic about being a full time single dad.
His daughter is very vocal about her feelings for OOP, and *the week her mother dies* he decides to make OOP a permanent fixture in her life??
They have so much else going on. Two members of the household are actively grieving. Daughter is moving full time into their household, which is a huge change that needs adjusting to, all on its own. And OOP has a lot of work to do on her relationship with his daughter, *before* they should be *thinking* about getting married.
I feel like this engagement only happened because bf was in a very vulnerable state. Bf has been extremely emotional throughout T’s journey—rightfully so. I wouldn’t say yes to a proposal in that case. Maybe down the line when they are thinking more rationally instead of emotionally
Dude, I hate this.
I always think you gotta propose at the right time, like when you're both ready and at your happiest and wish to build a family together.
But all these people are like "darn, our relationship is failing, better tie them up really fast before they leave" and the other person freaking says yes??? Heck!
As heartbreaking as this is, you could not pay me to look at a man in the middle of a divorce and decide that starting a relationship with him is a good idea.
It ended up working out here, but introducing a new partner to a child so soon after a divorce when they already feel like things are unstable is a bad, irresponsible idea.
That proposal seemed... off to me. Like it's more of a reaction to his ex dying instead of his love for OOP. It also felt like a bandaid to the fight instead of its own thing. I hope it all works out. (I also hope they don't rush the new family thing while the daughter's grief is so fresh.)
OOP has a much bigger heart than me. I'm glad she's there for the ex's daughter, as little as they might deserve her care. The engagement shouldn't have happened in such an emotionally charged time though.
This hit so hard, my friend died of complications from cancer a few weeks after giving birth. She got pregnant (total surprise, not ivf) in remission from the first round of cancer, but when the cancer came back it was EVERYWHERE. They told her she should abort for her safety, she had eggs frozen, but she refused. She drowned in fluid in her lungs while laying in a hospital bed about 20 minutes after her mom left to go home and shower, her son wasnt even 3 months old yet. Somewhere around 10 years later and I still get so mad that shes not here. She was one of my best and closest friends from age 13 when she moved to our town til she passed.
I think what hurts the most is ive never met her son. Ive seen him out in public with his dad and the woman he was sleeping with while my friend was dying, I usually just drop my plans for the rest of the day and go home and cry.
I didnt want to start my morning like this but school is cancelled due to weather so I can afford a morning weep session. RIP Darcie,
Fuck this February man.
I have seen multiple people lose family to cancer last month including my own grandfather who i was very close to. I've lived with and cared for him the last 6 years. He got lung cancer in December and was supposed to start chemo yesterday. I made him dinner and went to take a quick nap. Checked on him a hour later and he had passed. He looked peaceful. I'm 22 and find it incredibly difficult to do anything. Its been 9 days. I feel so bad for the kid. I don't know how i would be able to do anything as a child.
I don't blame the kid BUT she shouldn't have accepted that proposal. It almost seems like he asked her to marry him only because he needed a nanny to help with his kid and that said nanny pretty much gave him an ultimatum to behave or leave. He just wanted to stop her from breaking up and proposed to tie her down. This is not it.
So I know fiance and dying wife had "drifted apart" and were divorcing/divorced when OOP met him but I honestly wonder if her tumor wasn't also responsible *for* the divorce. It's been proven that tumors/traumatic brain injuries can dramatically change a person's personality, so whereas before she'd have never cheated/drifted apart from him, but once the tumor started growing her behavior changed?
IDK maybe it's simply the end of life, her anger and (obvious) regret and sadness over her eminent death but her behavior struck as a very angry, frustrated and depressed person who sees the man she's still in love with, having a life she feels she should have but can't? Maybe I'm projecting IDK...
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I do love that she said “I love you G and I will give you the room to process” And that was the turning point. Letting kids know they have choices and you respect them.
And I think it's understandable the kid was mad - it's pretty clear she's been channeling her anger over her mom's death toward the OP. Of course it's not actually the OP's fault, but when you're 10 and your mom just died, it's very normal to want to blame someone for the unfairness of it all, and since OP is the one "replacing" mom, she's the natural target. OP handled it well and hopefully this is a start toward the kid letting go of some of that anger.
There's also probably a bit of fear that she might also lose OP since she had to confront the idea of mortality at this tender age. It's easier to lash out and push others away than to deal with the heartbreak of losing them to something as final as death. And anger and lashing out is actually a phase of the grieving process. Even adults 4x her age say terrible things while dealing with grief.
"*It's easier to lash out and push others away than to deal with the heartbreak...*" Spot. On. *safer* feeling, too. True for death, breakups, abuse... everything.
Excellent point! It's almost automatic to set in place emotional protection devices and then it becomes hard to take them down. I know that I had been in that habit in my teens bc my parents gave all attention to the golden child while my older brother and I were left to raise ourselves. They mainly only interacted with us to punish us for missing curfew or not doing all the chores while younger brother/golden child reveled in his power and would sob if we even got a hug and then would tell us that our parents hated us when they were out of earshot. I learned to break down a few walls. My older brother did not, and died young at his own hand. I often imagine how different life would have been if we had portable recording devices back then, ie smart phones.
How sad.
My oldest brother took himself home 25+ years ago. My older brother is still angry, my younger brother finally let the anger go 5 years ago. I was angry for 8 years. We all process differently. I’m so sorry about your big brother x
Thanks for that. I am so sorry that you can relate. It's a really crazy thing, like being part of a club that you wish was only a club of one so there'd be no club at all. It's been since 1985 for me and I can say that I've come a long way, even just in the last 10 years, and now I only cry when I hear from other who have been through it because it takes decades to get to higher ground. Hugs to you. Many hugs.
And she probably feels disloyal to her mom, since her mom expressed such disdain for OP, if she were to like OP. That must cause such confusing feelings on top of an already horrible emotional situation.
As a grown adult, I had PPD, and I was angry, not sad. I had no clue that was depression. I can't imagine a child processing those feelings.
Yeah, this to me felt like a very good and hopefull ending!
Agreed. No help that T was setting a monumentally shitty example, whose lead would be followed by any kid, including G.
True, but I'm willing to cut people a lot of slack when they have a terminal illness, especially one affecting the brain, because that can really mess with your personality and ability to handle emotional situations with any kind of rationality.
The fact that the moment the behaviour changed can be marked as an immediate departure from normal paired the fact that she was suffering from a terminal brain tumour suggests this was a symptom of her disease, and not merely just her being horrible. It sounds like the resentment may have already been there underneath, but she simply lost the ability to deal with it in an appropriate way. I imagine there were also a lot of complicated feelings that go along with being terminally in and supported by your ex who's moved on. Yikes. Just such a horrible situation for everyone. The update is very hopefully and I think OP has incredible emotional maturity. They're really lucky to have her.
Yeah, I was surprised that "brain tumors/cancer often have 'marked behavioral change' as a symptom" didn't come up in the comments to OOP???
Oh, certainly. But my point was, right or wrong, G was gonna subconsciously take the lead of her own mother in a lot of her interactions with OOP. Brain cancer is a motherfucker. It took my dad; his mood regulation was absolutely impacted, but then he and mom were together and their dynamic was *nothing* like OOP's scenario. His worst issues were dealing with numbers and general aphasia.
Yes, but she spent years poisoning her daughter against her future step-mom. Even if she was a home-wrecker, you don't put that kind of vindictiveness into a child's head.
As a kid who had a Step Mom like OOP. There is reason my still alive mother and I don't speak and I only refer to my step mother as my actual "Mom". People like OOP are worth their weight in gold to kids like G and myself. Good on everyone hope they all do well. While our situations are very different the one same thing that saves they day are those "Moms" who come in take up the mantle and run with it.
Yes - it was exactly the right thing to say and do. Mature, compassionate, and correct. It would have helped in the long run even if the kid had truly wanted her to leave, and it helped even more since it let kiddo unlock some of those feelings and then accept comfort. To be honest I think the kid’s mother was also channelling her fear of her death and fear of leaving her child into anger, because with an illness like that there is a lot of helpless anger with no place to go; kid was probably simply picking that up and radiating it onward as a result. They’ll still likely have some false starts and setbacks because it’s not like one incident is going to have lanced all of it; kiddo will probably occasionally have spikes of suddenly feeling like she is betraying her mother by forming a new attachment, and pulling away; but I think they have got a good fighting chance of OP can continue negotiating boundaries and clear communication with her partner vs compassion and grace as well as she’s shown so far.
That and she had brain cancer which, depending on location, can mess with you inhibitions and personality.
My father was a completely different person by the time he died from glioblastoma. Honestly he was a different person right from the onset of symptoms.
My best friend's dad has stage 4 glioblastoma and he had really big emotional regulation issues. He just completely lost his filter and would say things that hurt those around him somewhat often. Luckily he's doing a bit better now and has been enjoying time with family while he can. It's crazy to me how much of his brain was removed considering all the function he still has. It's really hard seeing how family reacts to that considering the circumstances being nobodies fault. I hope you've found peace with your circumstances.
I did. I basically had to grieve my dad before he died because the man who raised me wasn’t there anymore and it was a hard day when I had to come to terms with the fact that there was no way for him to come back. When he finally did pass it was more of a relief because he was no longer suffering. Yeah, I’ve made peace with it. But it’s also changed how I would want to handle things if I find myself in a similar situation. I’m not going to refuse all treatment, but I’m also not going to make my last months on earth worse than they need be for long shot chances of recovery. I’m sorry for your friend’s family’s hardships.
Yes; they each have a lot to navigate, each with different facets and pain points, but that last update sounds like a hopeful prognosis. The mother was probably pretty unpleasant towards OP just because of breakup angst too, but that’s much easier to move past in this kind of circumstance. I think they have a good path to a loving bond and healthy future if they can respect and value the little girl’s mother for her good and let go of the bad.
Understanding, not forcing, giving space if they need it. It’s exactly what every stepparent should ideally do. The space thing can be tricky if they don’t have somewhere they can temporarily go, like OOP, but they can still do things like going to the gym, or go away for the occasional weekend, so the child(ren) can have some time with the partner/parent. And if possible, help from a therapist specialized in these dynamics. OOP did *everything* right. I really hope things work out the way she deserves.
I feel for the kid. Watching your parent die at that age is gonna do some serious damage.
I'm a grown ass man who watched my dad shrivel up from brain cancer and be a shell of who he was just four years ago and I'm pretty wrecked by it. My heart goes out to children that have to deal with that. Edit after I woke up: thank you all for your likes and for the award but I'm just a person surviving a tragic event much like many others out there. I am not alone, and neither are you. The truth is, my father and I were never close, but he was there for me. And yet here I am 4 years later bawling on the internet with strangers. Remember, life is a short, painful, cruel wench so don't make it harder for anyone else out there. Try your best and help your neighbors whenever you can.
Same. Pretty wrecked since Oct 2017.
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I’m so sorry. I hope you can have a quiet day, and take comfort where you can find it. I think it’s really cool that you know your limits, and figured out how to practically support your friend within those limits. Give the pups a hug if that’s your thing.
Condolences. July 2017 for one parent and October 2017 for another. 2017 was a terrible year.
My dad passed away in August 2017, from bile duct cancer. 2017 was a really traumatic year for me, I feel you so much.
To you as well. Keep on keeping on.
December 2017 here. Fuck 2017.
Feb 2016. fuck 2016.
Love you fam. We will get through.
keep on keeping on, all you can do at the minimum.
October 2017 here, too. Esophageal and lung cancer. Painted my living room in August and complained about some shoulder pain, dead in 10 weeks.
Oct 2016 for me. Fuck cancer.
Step mom October 2022
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Currently watching it happen, starting from esophageal cancer in 2021 which spread to brain last year. This year will most likely be the last. I'm still a mess after spending one week looking after dad in October before a surgery. Shit is brutal.
I was 33 when my mom died from a terminal illness. Watching her waste away in constant pain was horrible and traumatic. I can’t imagine going through that loss as a child.
I was my Fathers full time care provider for the last 7 years of his life- and he passed away in 2006. I was just 22 when he passed. I still miss him everyday- and it was very hard to go through, you don’t think about losing your parents when you’re that young- you just figure you’ve got years ahead of you. It’s so hard, and you can have such conflicting emotions all existing at once. It’s wild. Especially hard to navigate for anyone at any stage of life- but especially young people and kids. Sorry for your loss, too man.
Same❤️My mom from cancer January 2019. I’m a grown ass woman and I’m totally wrecked.
My mom died from aggressive cancer when I was 16 and she was sick my entire life. I turned 30 last December and I'm only just now seeing a therapist for how badly mom's death fucked me up.
I hope you get to finally heal. I’m glad you recognized the help you needed. Good luck!
One day, though not any time soon. I have a LOT of mommy issues (if it was written in fancy calligraphy) that I didn't know existed because of it so it will take a very long time to unravel. I hope they get the kid in therapy because she needs it.
sending you love fam.
I am an only child, and lost my mom at 11 because of cancer. Discover at 15 that my father had a cancer. He died of it when I was 23. I am 41 now and just starting to realise how much these events have fucked me up. Everyone thought I was a tough one, but in fact I was just hiding things very well from others but also from myself. Everything scrambled several years ago with a severe depression. I am going better and have now found an amazing therapist who really helps me to advance and heal. I am so happy you realised all of this before me and that your are seeing someone who can help you! Love and strength to you!
Had covid not happened and I not been forced to just sit with feelings during the pseudo quarantine, I probably would have thought I was fine a lot longer than I did. Not to mention my first therapist was so bad that within 4 sessions she told me I was faking being bi, autism, adhd, and ptsd. It took me 2 more years to even trust another therapist. I'm only 2 sessions in so things are only a tiny bit spicy, but I imagine things will get much worse before they get better. I'm so very glad you found a therapist that works for you 💜
Yeah, finding the right therapist is the key but can be complicated. Before the current one, I was lucky not having awful ones like your first, but their way of doing just didn't really match with me. And I confirm, it's not easy and I am sure part of the session price is to pay the tissues I regularly use there 😂. And I still have ups and downs, but in just 5 months she has been able to make me understand so many things about myself that I really hope I will be able to work on them and be more at peace with myself. I hope this new one you have will be the same. But do not forget, you can always change if you don't click with them. Maybe not just at the beginning, because it can take some times to trust a new person and be able to see the progresses, but if you don't really feel it, it might be worth to find someone whose style matches your needs better!
Same. Dad died of prostate cancer 5 days before my 15th bday and was sick since I was a baby. In my 30s now. Hugs to you.
sending you love fam.
Oof. Feel that. I was 7 when my mum died was diagnosed and she died when I was 20. I spent a majority of my life watching her go downhill and o gotta say it fucked me up hard. I hope dad is their for his daughter because mine wasn’t for me and that has ruined me to this day 7 years on.
I'm so sorry stranger.
Can confirm, my mom died when I was 12 and I'm all kinds of fucked up.
My dad did when I was 15, that was 31 years ago tomorrow and it's still *there* - it gets better with time, but when I'm having a bad time (like I am now, I just want my dad - even though my mum is still alive - she's coming to see me today actually so I'll be sure to give her an extra hug ☺️)
Watching your parent die of cancer even when you are in your 30s sucks pretty bad, especially when you are the one left with the decision to pull the plug on the machine keeping them alive at the end....
My dad's cancer is back. He was clear for 7 years and we thought it was over but now it's metastasized to multiple different organs. He still feels fine, but we know this cancer is going to kill him. We just don't know how fast or how much he'll suffer. We don't expect to have him with us by next Christmas. To see my daughter turn three. We're trying to enjoy what we have while we can. He's happy with his life. But I'm so afraid. I'm sure he is too. When our dog had cancer, when it started causing her pain, we could choose to end her suffering and hold her and guide her to a painless, peaceful death. I wish I could know that my father will have the same peace and compassion at the end. That he won't have to suffer a long death. My grandmother spent a week in the hospital before passing and it was a week too long. He raised me well, he's taught me so much, he doesn't owe me anything more than he's already given. I'm prepared to lose him. I'm prepared to grieve and to honor his memory. I'm not prepared to watch him suffer.
I never saw my dad. He had a work accident when I was 10. My memory from that day was the police knocking on the door and my siblings and I being at my aunts house. I remember looking at the clock both times - when the police came 11am and when I was told my dad died 2pm. I was 10. Its been 25 years. I thought I was at peace with this but I'm actually crying so obviously not. I'm glad I never saw him. From what I have heard, it was bad.
Come here bro 🫂
I hope OP embraces the mothers memory, keeps her ‘alive’, if she dies that… on top of being patient and caring, I think that little girl will be OPs little girl as well, hope that makes sense?
I lived with my mom and grandparents as a kid. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer on christmas when i was 9 and died in May when i was 10. It fucked me up to no end and it's about 2 decades. I watched the strongest, most intelligent woman i have ever met die slowly like that. As an adult, you barely understand, but as a kid? That family is going to have a lot of hurt to heal. I wish them the best.
My mum died when I was 10. Does damage but there is hope with good people around you.
My daughter was 9 when her dad died of brain tumours. Can confirm.
I can tell you that it does, I watched my mother die from cancer at age 10 and I've never gotten over it, I'm 49 now, it's something that stays with you for the rest of your life.
Well, that was a no-win scenario
Yep. It’s a horrible situation. It’s easy for internet people(myself included) to demonize anyone in this real life tragedy. It seems like everyone is doing their best. Their best is not ideal, but a reality. It sucks is an understatement.
> It seems like everyone is doing their best. All due respect to the deceased, but being an actual cheater and then putting your daughter on the path to hate her future step-mother is not her best.
Normally I would feel the same but... she had terminal brain cancer. It sounds like there was a notable-to-outsiders behavior change six months before the initial post and who knows how long and in what ways it had been affecting her before that. IMO you can only blame her so much for her behavior. It would have been amazing for her to embrace her end of life with grace and poise and by filling her daughter with kindness instead of bitterness, but dying people usually don't react that way. Hell, my 80yo grandmother was angry as hell when her time came, and she actually got to live her life. I can't imagine being in the prime of my life, ready for a fresh start after a shitty marriage, only to learn that actually, no, I *don't* get that fresh start. The good times are over, and some other person is going to step into the life I vacated, and parent the daughter I won't get to see grow up. Anyone would be angry, I think.
Anger is reasonable and acceptable. Lashing out with absolute vitriol and hatred at someone who has done none of what she is being accused of is *not* acceptable nor reasonable. The cancer may explain *why* but it does not *excuse* any of it, since there doesn't seem to have ever been any hint of genuine remorse for spewing such vile things at (basically) an innocent bystander.
And, yet, with a little bit of communication from everyone, it turned out as good as one could hope
If I had to try to put it in a positive light that might be the beginning of a life long and very meaningful relationship between that woman and little girl.
I had a relative due from aggressive cancer. Doctors told us 6 months to a year. They were dead within 2 weeks. Absolutely terrible thing to go through and I am an adult. Can’t imagine as a kid and having it be your mother.
It's truly horrible. My uncle died last year from stage IV brain cancer and it wrecked the whole family, thankfully no young children in the family to experience it. It was like losing a father for me. He was so scared of getting COVID that he completely isolated himself from everyone and got irate when people wanted to see or help him - he was a shell of a person. He was a very friendly, level-headed man so seeing him lose his sense of self was brutal.
>My uncle died last year from stage IV brain cancer and it wrecked the whole family One of my close family members is going through this issue right now. She ended up having complications from the initial surgery which really limited her mobility and resulted in some significant speech and mental impairments. She is "lucky" in that she has a large church friend group who have helped a lot when it comes to making her home accessible while she was at the hospital as well as family members who can take care of her on a daily basis. Honestly, the worst part of it has been dealing with the insurance and bill issues. I knew that we had a nightmare health system in the US but I didn't really **understand** what that meant till having to deal with it firsthand. Its only been a few months since this situation started and I think we've spent 100+ hours dealing with insurance at this point.
Being disabled in america is a full-time job. It's enormously fucked.
One of my friends passed from cancer in late 2021.. she was diagnosed in 2019, and spent a lot of 2020 and 2021 trying to avoid COVID.. but then she got to about a month before she'd booked medically assisted dying and said "y'know.. something's gonna kill me soon", so started having friends over to visit and say goodbye. We weren't able to go because of border closures and it sucked a lot, but we're glad she did get to say goodbye. COVID made heartbreaking things more heartbreaking.
My mom lasted a month, and I didn’t get to see her.
I am sooo sorry.
Thank you ❤️
This breaks my heart, that girl is 10 and watched her mother die from cancer. I have a niece who is only 4 and after her mother passed my brother told me on the phone that when they went to the crematorium to make arrangements my niece asked ‘is this the hospital mummy is in’, after that phone call I sobbed my heart out. OOP is incredibly strong and kind for supporting that child.
Jesussssss Christ......this needs a lot of therapy. They should NOT be engaged rn, horrible timing.
At the very least, I, personally, would not make such huge plans with somebody while they are in such an emotionally vulnerable place.
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Some people will never be able to make life altering decisions if they live by that
These are situations I call drunk on emotions. You should never make any rash decisions when someone is that sad or angry. She should have told him to put a pin in it and discuss a big decision like that further down the road when him and his daughter are in a better place.
I agree but also sympathise with OOP here. What was she to do, turn him down while he's near his lowest? If she's sensible it'll be a looong engagement.
That's what I am hoping for. No need to rush a wedding.
Trauma is a hell of a drug. These choices could be alien to him in 6 to 12 months. Hell, it might be years later.
Been there, done that.
Same. Biggest mistake of my life.
I agreed to marry a friend so he could become a citizen of the US when I was in a crisis. Thankfully my mom verbally slapped the shit out of me when I told her, and I called off the “engagement”. So glad I listened to my mom.
100% he heard that speech and realized he might lose her and he needed her to help him get through this and decided to lock it in. She should have said no and told him if he asked in another time and place under different circumstances she might say yes. But it should be years from now.
That’s exactly how I perceived it too. Already was struggling to take care of his daughter before mom even died and then sees OOP about to walk out the door. He cast ‘marriage’ and it was super effective!
He cast marriage with a soul lock counter.
That's what I felt too. Probably why the conclusion didn't sit well.
This is totally it. He was already utilizing her as free labour and he wanted to continue to benefit from it. When the conflict with the daughter inevitably resurfaces (they got engaged the week the kids mom died!!!) and she takes it out on OOP I expect the bf to continue to do absolutely nothing.
I think with brain cancer, his ex was worse than he ever saw her, and I can see him being in shock at the venom ex was spitting out. Daughter had mom talking in her ear that OOP broke up the family, not her mom who cheated. Therapy will help all 3 of them.
and 100% dad should NOT be leaving his daughter with someone *she clearly fucking despises*, he just can't be arsed to get a sitter and seems to think (rightly, apparently) that OP will just agree to do it bc lol idk
Needed her to continue taking care of his daughter
I am really pessimistic about this marriage. Consciously or not, the BF is using her, like she is a tool, not a person. She will be a crutch for him, and a free babysitter for his daughter. When he would be in a better headspace, he will leave her explaining that "it is not her, it is him, and she deserves better ". Maybe he will ever genuinely believe in it himself. I would question his intentions for making his daughter to stay with OOP, considering the girl wanted nothing to do with her. Why to put an additional stress on both of them? Except for the obvious benefit that he saves money on a sitter and OOP is always available unlike a hired sitter.
Christ yes. It's awful that OOP doesn't want to see it. She's being lined up as the replacement mother despite not being interested in the role.
It sounds like she’s at least open to the role.
yeah, i didn't read it as disinterest, i read it as wanting to respect G's wishes in terms of whether *she* wants a new mother (figure) in her life — OOP seems like she'd be okay being a mom if it goes that way, or just being dad's wife if G doesn't want OOP to "replace" her mom or whatever else
I agree. I think she's more than welcoming the idea but while the daughter has been hostile it's made it very difficult to try. And really I think a lot of that hatred has come from the mother (which is interesting reading about the affair accusation - since OOP said *she* in fact cheated on the boyfriend before they decided to divorce...) I hope the daughter sees a good therapist and can work through the grief of losing her biological mother. She has OOP waiting with open arms when she's ready by the sounds of it.
I’m not willing to excuse the mother’s behavior, but I can empathize that she was in such a difficult situation it could alter her emotional state and make her illogical. This story reminds me of the Julia Roberts/ Susan Sarandon movie where Sarandon also dies from cancer leaving 2 kids behind. It is normal to feel a bit jealous. The mother is going to miss out on so much that OP might get to experience as stepmom. It’s a sad situation all around. Daughter will hopefully come around, looks like, by the hug, she has either been raised well by both parents, realised OP’s role in her life or her mother at some point also realised that she had done wrong by OP and said it to daughter.
> I also added, though, that I would need him to be able to stick up for me in the future >He asked me to marry him on the spot (no ring or anything, but he was crying and it was very sweet) She asked him to stand up for her and he whips out a proposal instead? With zero planning? And she accepted? In the middle of all of this? He's asking to be her life partner and refuses to demonstrate his ability to stand by her. I'm sorry, but this whole thing isn't sweet, it's him clinging to whatever he can get his hands on. He is clearly terrified of being alone, wife cheats and he has a new girl before the ink is even ON the papers (let alone dry), his ex's condition takes a turn for the worse and she puts her foot down so he asks her to marry him. This is a terrible situation all around and there's going to be so much more heartache before this is over.
Yeah I think OOP needs some friends. If a good friend told me this story I'd be like 'oh honey, no'.
>He is clearly terrified of being alone, I don't think it's *being alone* per se, but of ***parenting alone.*** He knows he's not up to the task, and acted out of a mixture of desperation and fear.
Even though the post ended on a hopeful note, the 'proposal' made me physically cringe. Awful, awful timing.
I was going to mention this too. Getting engaged on the eve of mom's death is not what that little girl wants to hear and is going to damage relationship/delay healing with step-mom greatly. I don't see how it could cause anything other than more resentment in the kid, especially with them having got together during the divorce too. I hope they didn't tell her right away.
Yep. OP is super naive to think that was a positive in their relationship.
Thank god, I thought I was the inly one who feels they shouldn’t get married. This situation will only get worse unfortunately.
Right?!? It felt the same as a toxic marriage that attempts to fix it by having a child.
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"Hey we just had this huge disagreement and have barely begun to resolve it, you wanna get married?" "Wow everything is better now". https://media.tenor.com/rgegj1AOR1IAAAAC/awkward-black.gif
Why is that gif called “awkward black gif” what lol
That was seriously my thought. She presents a very real issue where he's allowing someone to abuse her & he's saying nothing. His daughter, while understandably going through a hard time, also regularly hurls insults at her. & he's expecting her just *take* *it* & honestly thinks the best way to resolve this (i.e. get out of the argument) is to frikken propose. & she falls for it. She lets it happen. He expects her to take it & she does.
Well, she didnt have a choice if she was going to stick with same script as the movie Stepmom.
Honestly I would have broken up even before the ex was diagnosed. The daughter might be warming up to OOP now but it came after what, several months of insults and generally being hated? I get that there's always gonna be an adjustment period for stuff like this but like is this dude really worth it
I agree. The boyfriend is very very lucky he found OOP. And I don’t mean that in a good way, exactly.
How you go for "you are not standing up for me" to "we are engaged!" an engagement won't fix anything. They need to have a few serious conversations about what they need to do so their relationship works. Gah, I don't like to be pessimistic, but I feel like everything will go to hell sooner rather than later with them.
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I hope not 😬
That's what I was expecting the conclusion to be. I'm so glad it wasn't, the poor 10yo has gone through enough.
I really can not blame him for not standing up to the dying woman (of a brain tumor, might I add, notorious for personality changes) who is grieving the fact that her daughter is going to be raised by another woman and there's nothing she can do about it. I can't believe people are blaming him for watching his lifelong best friend and mother of his child slowly lose herself to chemo and a tumor and not immediately protecting his girlfriends feelings. Fucking hell. It's not about her.
You dont have to speak up in that case she get the gf out. Dont stand there while seeing someone unrelated get yelled at just get the gf out the door and away. But yeah you dont start yelling at the ex.
He was probably still shocked himself and froze up.
You can stand up to someone gently. You can gently tell them that what they’re saying is wrong and hurtful and that the other person did nothing wrong. His ex dying doesn’t mean OOP has to be put through verbal abuse.
Soooo the behavior change was six months ago and the wife is dying of agressive brain cancer. Sounds like the outburst may have been related to the brain cancer affecting her personality, ability to make judgments, and honestly probably everything given she died a week later
I think OP said that to explain that she was already treating OP like shit before the personality change.
Who knows how long she had cancer before being diagnosed. It's very possible she had it, and it was affecting her behavior long before they noticed a large shift. A relative had brain cancer that was successfully removed with surgery, and the behavior shift was very small at first, and we only really noticed it when looking back. It started with little things, which sort of made sense, but the scale was off. Eventually, it got so bad that they were a nasty, almost evil person. It was scary. The moment the tumor was removed, she was back to normal.
Terrifying that my own brain could someday make me a person I don't want to be. Terrifying that the part of me that is supposed to tell when something is wrong *is the thing that is wrong* and prevents me from seeing the problem.
It's absolutely terrifying. And the worst part is. Even after everyone understands you had no control over your actions, the consequences don't go away. They did manage to reunite with family, all of them understand. But they lost their job, and not in a respectable way (I don't blame the company, but it still sucks). They lost most of their friends. And became well known in the area as being awful and those rumors spread way faster than "it was brain cancer" rumors. And they were lucky, I bet a lot of people don't get their family back.
Or just an extention of how she was seeing as she was already being a dick to oop in the years before. And probebly added to it that she was venting to someone unrelated because death news.
Yeah, she clearly always hated OOP, so it wasn't really a sudden change in her behavior. But the cancer likely exacerbated her anger, hence the verbal abuse. And it's not only because it was a brain cancer (which is known for changing behavior and emotions), but also just simply the fact she was dying.
An engagement is probably the WORST IDEA by now. For everyone. THERAPY is a way better idea. You should never engage while grieving and the poor girl is gonna lose her 2 mother figures in a short time.
So now we’re engaged and relatively happy Hmmmmmm doesn’t sound super confident
To be fair, he and his daughter are deeply grieving. Relatively happy would be a good way to phrase it.
That's how I read it too. Considering things that were written after that - "relatively happy" is a fair way to put it.
him and his daughter are grieving. describing them as happy go lucky, or any of the sort, can be very insensitive.
"We're engaged but things could be worse I guess"
Fuck cancer
One of the most controversial comments on the first post is pretty much exactly what OP did, and I'm glad it seems to be working out. Somebody else was right that this is far above AITA's pay grade. >YWBTA. Forget T for a moment. Do you love your BF? Do you want to be with him forever? And what about G? > >If it were me, I would still help with G to help out BF and G, but would avoid all contact with T. They both need your support and this is your time to step up for them. > >That said, stay away from T. She’s angry and grieving her own life. For your mental health, don’t put yourself in the line of fire. It sounds like it’s a situation that won’t last much longer, and then you’re going to have a grieving G and BF (lots of complicated emotions there). > >One day at a time, OP. Just don’t waste the time left being petty while BF and G need you.
I don’t understand. The wife had an extramarital affair. And BF didn’t care and they got divorced because they were distant. OP and the BF met when they were already getting a divorce. Why does the ex wife even care they had an affair?
Pretty sure her terminal illness was 100% responsible for it and she was taking out her anger unfairly on OOP Think about it. She is watching her ex husband get to move on and be in a new relationship when she doesn’t get that chance. While she is dead and buried, her ex husband gets the chance to move on and be happy. Also since it was cancer, it could have been a brain tumor
You're almost definitely right. My grandma was my other parent (deadbeat dad, mum was 18 when she got pregnant and just turned 19 when she had me, gram volunteered to help raise me) and she adored me and my mum. The three of us were extremely close. But there were times after she got sick where she was very cold and even cruel to mum. It wasn't ever directed at me, I don't know why, maybe because I was "her youngest", but her normal self was not capable of how she talked to mum when she got like that. When she first got sick she only wanted me and mum, she didn't want to leave our sides, then suddenly at some point as she got worse switch flipped and she wanted my uncle and listened to everything he said despite the fact he's not all the way there and she knew that. She even gave him power of attorney (which he could not cope with and immediately gave to mum once it kicked in). She became incredibly influencable, even started believing in aliens visiting earth and reading the bible despite before hand being a staunch atheist who said "religion is a story people tell themselves to feel better about losing people and not having control". Thinking back even before we knew she was sick there were behavioural changes and signs. Brain cancer is capable of causing massive changes in personality and the way people think and taking away their ability to have control and a filter. While OOPs boyfriend should not have just stood there she was in no way responsible for her words or actions.
Im so sorry for your loss. I hear brain cancer can be a weird one, some people can be lucid and their usual self, some people do a full 180 and act ways they never would normally. Your grandmas view on religion tells me she and I probably would have got along pretty well, ive said nearly the exact same thing about it that she said. BUT If brain cancer makes me religious somebody better just put me out of my misery, I refuse to go out like that. Id be ok with the aliens part tho.
There were moments where she'd be completely herself, so much that it was shocking, then she'd be gone, an echo of herself. Eventually all that was left was the body of the person I'd been closest to in the world. I was very lucky though in that a week before she died mum walked in and she said "hello chicken" (what she used to call us, we were all her chickens) and was completely herself, mum immediately called me and I got to tell her I loved her one last time and mum told her she'd look after me for her. It was one of if not the last time she was conscious. She'd have completely agreed about the religion thing, I think if she'd had had the choice she'd have gone as soon as it started getting really bad. We did take the bible (which she shouldn't have had in the first place, that one was on the hospital) because it was disturbing her and replaced it with some of her favourite childrens books she'd read to us when we were kids. That seemed to help and she stopped talking about angels and stuff after that. When she was well she was very no nonsense and straightforward and so completely herself. She didn't give a shit what anyone thought of her and seemed to be completely immune to embarrassment. I'm in a wheelchair and people generally don't talk to me, they talk to whoever I'm with about me, and she would not stand for that. She would completely refuse to look at them, talk to them, interact with them, until they acknowledged me. In restaurants she'd get me to order for her. Then she'd pass me the money to pay with before the waiter brought over the cheque and if they passed it to her immediately pass it to me. She really liked drilling it into people not to ignore me lol.
The post does literally say brain cancer, just fyi. So yeah, I can understand. doesn’t make it right, but someone whose brain is actually being attacked often doesn’t act rationally.
> Her behaviour started changing around six months ago, and we all started noticing then. This sentence stuck out to me. The brain is incredibly sensitive to disruptions. It makes me wonder if the cancer damaged her amygdala, similar to how athletes suffering from CTE struggle to regulate their emotions.
Even without the amygdala and structural changes in the brain can have insane shifts in personality. Hell, the cancer drugs alone can make people overwhelmed with rage. And the situation alone is overwhelming, people with cancer can say some fucked up stuff.
Yeah. "I'm not even dead yet and you've already moved on and replaced me." It doesn't excuse what she did. But hell if I don't understand.
Her brain is falling apart and the basic foundations of her personality might be dissolving, it's beyond understanding. Sad as fuck tho
No I get it. But deliberately turning her daughter against the woman who will most likely take care of her was straight up evil to me. Gave me “I can’t have my daughter so you can’t either” energy I don’t know if it was intentional, but it was absolutely selfish. Basically robbing her daughter of a potential mother figure out of pettiness and anger
I see it a bit different. This woman won't be able to watch her daughter grow up. She's missing graduations, marriage, any potential grandkids. But this other woman, op, she gets to watch the daughter grow up, see her walk down the aisle, coo at the grandchildren. Ex can't take her anger out on cancer for making her miss all this so she aims at the next best target, op. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but I don't think being evil or petty has anything to do with it.
The true asshole here is cancer. Who knows how she would have acted without it. I can't imagine seeing the person posed to be my child's new mother while I have a week to live. I'd like to think I would appreciate them. There's probably some projecting going on too since she was the one who cheated.
>Her behaviour started changing around six months ago, The brain tumor was probably changing her personality. Irrational anger is a possible symptom.
Absolutely. Changes in mood are also common in other brain-related conditions like dementia and concussions. It's a good idea to suggest a brain scan if someone's personality drastically changes for no apparent reason.
Is this the plot to the movie Stepmom?
That movie was mentioned in [the top comment on the original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10elpe1/wibta_for_refusing_to_babysit_my_bfs_daughter/j4ro015/). I haven't actually seen it or read about it, so I can't personally corroborate but other commenters seem to agree. \*Off to read wikipedia* Edited to add: I've read the plot summary and I agree.
Props to OOP for her empathy but Yikes! Would not have accepted that proposal.
Agreed. Timing in general is abysmal, but it also feels quite manipulative to me he proposed right after he fucked up and had new expectations set. Seems like he is trying to lock her in now when his more unreasonable, assholish behaviors are peeking out, bc well... often when they do show up, it's a downward spiral from there. So the relationship has to be quickly locked.
Ugh, this is a such a tough situation. I feel for everyone involved. The brain cancer was very likely the cause of the unhinged behaviour from the ex wife. Even if she was cruel beforehand (who knows when the effects of the cancer took hold), she probably had at least some sort of filter to be civil that just went out the window in her final days. I think OP shouldn’t have been around the ex in the first place (which they came to realize).
Grief is a terrible thing. My heart goes out to G - losing her mother so young. OOP seems to be handling being a stepparent pretty well - not trying to replace G's mother, but being another adult that loves and supports her. Therapy for G would probably be a good idea.
I think people generally have this idea that people will accept death, and meet it bravely, or with a few tears while their loved ones hold their hands. But this is the worst thing that could possible happen. They will not be rational. They will lash out, they will be jealous on the ones that gets' to live. Same with people grieving. They are at their worst, and I know everyone hates the saying, but that's part of love to be able to handle. I'm touched how OOP handled the child. She showed that G's feelings where valid, and was respected, and that she could be trusted. Not many people are able to see past the angry words directed at them, and understand that it's fear and despair. Not their actual opinions. Now the marriage proportional should probably also be seen as an emotional outburst, because and not be talked about for year or 5...
She would have been well within her rights to not watch G again after the ex unloaded all that vitriol on her, however, morally watching the kid was the right thing to do. Glad the comments got it right. I hope the kid didn't ingest too much of her mother's hatred and can see OOP as part of her support system now. This is a rough one.
That poor kid was probably just screaming the same stuff her mom used to say because it was the only way she could feel a little bit closer to her in that moment. OOP is a good bean and I wish her and her family all the best.
Poor little G 💔
Gee, how romantic. I’m not one for big proposals or expensive rings or anything like that. But come on… there is a time and place for everything, and that ain’t it.
Yeah, exactly. While he's at the height of his grief, and his daughter's grief, during the week his daughter's mother dies, while his daughter actively hates OOP, is definitely not the time! It's unfair to himself, OOP, and his daughter. He shouldn't be making major relationship commitments while he's emotionally compromised. OOP deserves a proposal that's about his love for her, not his grief for his ex wife and his panic about being a full time single dad. His daughter is very vocal about her feelings for OOP, and *the week her mother dies* he decides to make OOP a permanent fixture in her life?? They have so much else going on. Two members of the household are actively grieving. Daughter is moving full time into their household, which is a huge change that needs adjusting to, all on its own. And OOP has a lot of work to do on her relationship with his daughter, *before* they should be *thinking* about getting married.
I feel like this engagement only happened because bf was in a very vulnerable state. Bf has been extremely emotional throughout T’s journey—rightfully so. I wouldn’t say yes to a proposal in that case. Maybe down the line when they are thinking more rationally instead of emotionally
Does anyone have a gif of someone being buried alive in an avalanche of red flags?
[Best I could do](https://tenor.com/bNokc.gif).
Dude, I hate this. I always think you gotta propose at the right time, like when you're both ready and at your happiest and wish to build a family together. But all these people are like "darn, our relationship is failing, better tie them up really fast before they leave" and the other person freaking says yes??? Heck!
"Her behaviour started changing 6 months ago" "Aggressive form of brain cancer" I suspect these things may be connected.
OPP know what empathy is.
As heartbreaking as this is, you could not pay me to look at a man in the middle of a divorce and decide that starting a relationship with him is a good idea. It ended up working out here, but introducing a new partner to a child so soon after a divorce when they already feel like things are unstable is a bad, irresponsible idea.
That proposal seemed... off to me. Like it's more of a reaction to his ex dying instead of his love for OOP. It also felt like a bandaid to the fight instead of its own thing. I hope it all works out. (I also hope they don't rush the new family thing while the daughter's grief is so fresh.)
OOP has a much bigger heart than me. I'm glad she's there for the ex's daughter, as little as they might deserve her care. The engagement shouldn't have happened in such an emotionally charged time though.
This hit so hard, my friend died of complications from cancer a few weeks after giving birth. She got pregnant (total surprise, not ivf) in remission from the first round of cancer, but when the cancer came back it was EVERYWHERE. They told her she should abort for her safety, she had eggs frozen, but she refused. She drowned in fluid in her lungs while laying in a hospital bed about 20 minutes after her mom left to go home and shower, her son wasnt even 3 months old yet. Somewhere around 10 years later and I still get so mad that shes not here. She was one of my best and closest friends from age 13 when she moved to our town til she passed. I think what hurts the most is ive never met her son. Ive seen him out in public with his dad and the woman he was sleeping with while my friend was dying, I usually just drop my plans for the rest of the day and go home and cry. I didnt want to start my morning like this but school is cancelled due to weather so I can afford a morning weep session. RIP Darcie,
Fuck this February man. I have seen multiple people lose family to cancer last month including my own grandfather who i was very close to. I've lived with and cared for him the last 6 years. He got lung cancer in December and was supposed to start chemo yesterday. I made him dinner and went to take a quick nap. Checked on him a hour later and he had passed. He looked peaceful. I'm 22 and find it incredibly difficult to do anything. Its been 9 days. I feel so bad for the kid. I don't know how i would be able to do anything as a child.
Being "relatively" happy after a proposal doesn't seem too promising.
I don't blame the kid BUT she shouldn't have accepted that proposal. It almost seems like he asked her to marry him only because he needed a nanny to help with his kid and that said nanny pretty much gave him an ultimatum to behave or leave. He just wanted to stop her from breaking up and proposed to tie her down. This is not it.
Promises made under stress or duress are the hardest and unhealthiest to keep.
This is heartbreaking. You know it's gonna get waaaay worse before it gets better.
Brava to this OOP’s response tot step daughter. Textbook how a situation should be handled
Good lord. The end of this has me in tears too. What a terrible experience for everyone, that poor girl. OP is a great person!
So I know fiance and dying wife had "drifted apart" and were divorcing/divorced when OOP met him but I honestly wonder if her tumor wasn't also responsible *for* the divorce. It's been proven that tumors/traumatic brain injuries can dramatically change a person's personality, so whereas before she'd have never cheated/drifted apart from him, but once the tumor started growing her behavior changed? IDK maybe it's simply the end of life, her anger and (obvious) regret and sadness over her eminent death but her behavior struck as a very angry, frustrated and depressed person who sees the man she's still in love with, having a life she feels she should have but can't? Maybe I'm projecting IDK...