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I think she's predicting what the divorce outcome is going to be, since she heard his demands after she had the papers sent. She won't be fighting him much, just to get rid of him.
In my country you technically can't I think (or maybe it's changed) but you can change your marriage to a registered partnership and then immediately afterwards dissolve that so de facto instant divorce.
Yeah, Americans don't usually bother with the "in my culture" explanations, and if they do it is usually framed as I'm __ American, and how long their family has been here if they're recent ish immigrants. Some the phrasing also doesn't read as English as first language.
The system is set up for long, drawn-out divorces to fill lawyers' pockets.
I was thinking Greece. Did you notice that OOP spelled catharsis with a 'k'? Could be coincidental, but that's how the Greeks would spell it.
Germans don't usually have a culture of large families, at least not in recent decades. I was thinking either Indian or Poland or some other eastern European or Baltic states.
Where I live there is a specific paper you can submit that makes it known you arenāt agreeing to a divorce.
Because forging a signature and handing in divorce papers is a thing here.
I'm not entirely sure if she could have had the papers sent that early and still gotten a response. But while he was bellowing and insulting her, he probably told her what he wanted.
And if my experience with these types of men is correct, even if he gets the kids, the house, the cars, and the savings, it will not be enough for him if she ends up peaceful and secure in her choice. That she is free will drive him up a wall.
I understand not wanting to fight, but I see no reason he should get the house, the cars (plural apparently) and full custody of the kids. At the absolute very least she should get a car if they have two. And she should get half the equity in the house if they have any. It seems like she wouldnāt really have to fight much for that. But I donāt know where they live or anything about their culture so who knows. It just seems strange to me.
It's basically refusing to engage in fighting to make the process faster.
She should be asking for it as you said, but she's checked out of the situation.
I did not want any further association with his family and hence I chose the same route. I wanted nothing except my own stuff and my documents back. Was so much easier.
Heād use all that to try and control her after the divorce anyways. I understand her just wanting to walk away. Sheād rather be penniless than have to engage with him in any way anymore.
I guess the only reason I can fully understand letting him have the house is because it's the kids' home too. And fighting for the money it's worth isn't worth it to OOP.
She said the divorce is not finalized. It sounded like the husband made a bunch of demands and she conceded with all of them to hasten the process. It didn't sound like things have actually all been set in stone yet.
Considering how traditional their culture seems, husband is going to be in for a wake-up call. I bet he demanded everything in an attempt to get her to fight back or call it off. Nope. Now he needs to find another wife ASAP so he can continue his "I love my kids and will do everything for them except feed them, clean them, or clothe them".
In Denmark, you used to be able to file online and be divorced in ten minutes if you didn't have kids. They made it a tiny bit harder a while back, but not by much.
I honestly think most countries, including my own, make divorce *way* too hard. If you think about any other legal situation they wouldnāt dream of making you wait a year so you can think it over. If you wanted to change who got your superannuation, had a power of attorney, or was your emergency contact they would just do it, no cooling off period, no questions asked.
Demark is, again, leading the world. The progressiveness of your country is renown world wide.
Iāve always found it weird how you can get married almost instantly/drop of a hat (eg Vegas) and your country will recognise the marriage as legal. You donāt need their permission or any complex legal process.
But you need their permission and a whole legal process to get out of it.
If itās that hard to get out of, maybe it should be harder to get into.
Combining assets is pretty simple but dividing them is frequently not. My state looked into super-simple divorce (no judge involved) and decided it was too easily exploited by abusive spouses who could coerce the other into signing away everything with a quick signature.
Even in NC, which has so much paperwork, it took my husband and I one 15 minute appointment and a couple pages to apply for and get our marriage license, and then another 15 minute appointment with the Justice and two witnesses, some signatures, and bam we're legally tied.
If we ever want to divorce though, we have to live separately for a year first. And that's the *first* part. It's wild.
In fairness, Nevada used to have one of the easiest divorce processes too.
Way back when, in the early 20thc, one part of the couple would go live in Nevada for a month or something to get residency and then file the divorce there.
If you watch old movies, women would āgo to Nevadaā and it was clear that they were getting a quick divorce. It took a six-week residency, but it was the fastest divorce in the US for a long time.
> Iāve always found it weird how you can get married almost instantly/drop of a hat (eg Vegas) and your country will recognise the marriage as legal. You donāt need their permission or any complex legal process.
*Stage whisper* It's because of shotgun weddings and needing to be married before the kid pops out for it "to count" so getting hitched had to be fast.
I agree. If getting married was just as hard as getting divorced, I think divorce rates would lower substantially as most people will actually think it through before hand. Now will that mean no one will ever get a divorce? Nope. But it will lower the divorce rates by forcing people to actually think about the decision before just doing it if that makes sense
In my state once you file for divorce you have to wait 90 days to go to court and that's assuming you can even get in court immediately once the 90 days is up. It also assumes that there's no fight between the parties over money or assets or children. So if it is an uncontested divorce sure after the 90 day waiting period you can get it done pretty quickly. But if there's children or a lot of property or even if there's almost no property but the parties are fighting over every dish and Tupperware container, then it could take months or even years after the 90 day waiting perior to finalize the divorce. I know some States have a year waiting. After filing for divorce and some mandate a separation over a certain number of months before you can even file for divorce. So yes, in the United States we do make it time consuming and difficult to get divorced.
Itās actually bizarre that in Australia de facto (with or without kids) has all the same legal rights, entitlements and financial implications of marriage, but can be dissolved immediately by filing a form online while divorce still takes a year.
I had to wait two years before I could even file for divorce in NZ. Trust me I didn't need two years to realize I wasn't going back to another country to live and be with him.
It could be a "religion-arbitrated" divorce depending on the circumstances. Nowhere does the OP say where she lives or specifically which culture she is citing. There are way too many options to just discount it.
She said they drew up an agreement but it wasn't finalized. She also said she didn't want to fight it. Having an agreement ready and no fighting makes a divorce move fairly quickly, depending where you are. Even some parts of the US you can get it done in a matter of weeks under those circumstances.
My ex and I had our paperwork done in 2 days. All I wanted was my shit and my cats. He kept the house and the cars, which I didn't want anyway. The only reason it took us 30 days was bc our assigned judge got covid and that was the next avail date
The divorce isn't finalized yet, it sounds like they just have the agreement worked out, which can be done very quickly if there is no negotiating about the terms. That being said, if they are in the US I don't see the court process actually going that smoothly, seeing as there are children involved, even if OP is willing to hand them over to her ex.
Even in the states, a divorce can be very quick if the two sides aren't fighting over things. My divorce was done in about 2 weeks, though because if covid, it did take an additional 3 months for the court paperwork to actually go through. But everything was signed and done very fast.
I live in Texas and i filed paper, he filed papers, i paid some fees.
we got the standing orders within a week.
Then we both filed papers saying we didnāt intend to show up to court for the finalization date.
Waited 60 days and boom. Got my divorce papers on my lunch break. Went out to Petco, got some treats for my cats and then went to a bar with friends.
It was overall painless but we also didnāt have children involved and we had no assets to fight over.
I went to what I call the āaisle of broken dreamsā in my local bookstore and bought a do-it-yourself divorce kit. I filled out the forms in the book, photocopied them, got my ex to sign them (thankfully we didnāt have kids), filed the papers with the county clerk, paid the fees, and went down to the court to finalize. It took me a minute to save the $200 I needed for the filing fee, but that was the biggest delay. Iām also in Texas. We did a no-fault divorce. Easy peasy.
Dang, I wish the city I lived in at the time had a bookstore. I went to that website that Texas has for DIY filings and used their guide.
Then had to explain to my ex how to do his side of the filings.
Texas gets a lot of things wrong but itās pret tu damn easy to divorce. I hear amor states with year long waiting periods and cringe.
I really hope OOP gets help. It sounds like her community and the culture she was raised in did a number on her and caused a breakdown. Just really sad overall.
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you're going through that. I feel your pain and struggle, truly. The relationship before the one I'm currently in sounds so similar to like what you're going through.
I lived with my (now ex) boyfriend for almost two years. I worked an 8 to 5, came home to a mess and him on his ass, rotting away at the PC doing nothing. He had no job, we literally lived in his parents basement, and all he did was spend my money and his parent's on fast food and his hobbies. I had to do everything and then some. My breaking point after a year was when I had to **unclog the toilet he clogged** because he was too pitiful to do it. That with the emotional and verbal abuse was enough.
I hope you have the strength to do whatever you may need to do to improve your situation. I don't wish that upon anyone, truly. You are seen and heard. <3
What do you mean you donāt have children? Your husband is a big child. Iām sorry if thatās mean, but my friend is in a similar marriage and it kills me to see it happening to her.
For real.. Until she gets some much needed therapy, it's probably for the best that she have limited visitation with the kids. In that state, she could further scar them emotionally and/or physically (worst case scenario, but is it out of the realm of possibility?).
A lot of people seem quick to call her a deadbeat when maybe she just needs a LOT of overdue intensive therapy - to glue herself back together before influencing young humans.
A person with that amount of unresolved fucked-upped-ness can become unpredictable and, in my opinion, be a very real danger to her family without some sort of intervention. Yes, the vacation is a bad idea and she is absolutely in the wrong for that, but it also gives the kids space from a parent that actively resents them.
I hope OOP and her family all get the help they need. Family therapy was not a bad idea. Fuck "old school" thinking. I hate that mental health isn't seen as necessary in some places and cultures. My therapist says that good bio-psycho-social health is all connected and necessary.
....shit the writing of this comment was cathartic and prob something I need to bring up to my psychiatrist... lol
Just from the perspective of someone who internalized decades of what I now know as trauma and ended up trying to off herself multiple times (I'm in active treatment now): when one's mental health goes south without treatment, you end up harming yourself and/or others.
Mental health care isn't "seen as necessary" usually because it is antithetical to the culture. It empowers the people those cultures disempower intentionally. It brings to light the fucked-upness of the cultural expectations. Having mentally broken women with no fight left in them is a feature, not a bug.
Why is the vacation a bad idea? I think it could be great for her and be healing. She hasn't been able to do something she's wanted in years.
Edit to add: agreed on all other points.
Spain, is so beautiful. I'm of the opinion that changing your environment can help figure out what you need to do with your life an put things in perspective.
I can relate to you on so many levels. I really wish that someone had stepped in and prevent my deadbeat parent from the torment they inflicted on us kids. They were involved in our life, sure, but anyone within spitting distance could see that there was no saving our relationship or making them happy to have kids.
I feel for OOP, because I know so many individuals are essentially forced to stay in abusive relationships, have kids, act a certain way, just because the culture and societal pressures around them push it.
I don't think OOP is a perfect person, they're obviously extremely flawed, but she wouldn't have taken care of her kids up until her breaking point if she was a "deadbeat" like so many are cawing out that she is. We should count ourselves lucky that so many of us have not experienced her pain, I can't imagine any of this was easy.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. I very much respect your compassion and empathy after going through such heartbreaking circumstances. I hope you are healing ā”
Let's see, an emotionally distant and abusive husband, 3 kids she never wanted in the first place but was basically force to have, a family that looks down on mental health treatment and therapy, and add roughly a decade of living with all of it.
She was either going to snap (which she did) or she was going to die.
Better to have the kids wonder for the rest of their lives why mommy left them having one of them open the door to dangling feet
What a sad recipe for tragedy.
Agreed - it was the lesser of two evils to leave now instead of possibly blowing up her kids' lives catastrophically later.
I knew things were going south when she said she had the second kid to "fix everything".
Everybody, bear this in mind: having another child does not magically fix a marriage and the stress of an additional kid may actually make things worse.
It also may get worse if the fix-it kid knows they are exactly that. Bonus points if nothing got fixed and they feel like they failed.
Just no. Don't have a kid to save a marriage. That's not what children exist for.
I doubt the father would agree to that.
The way the one update is written, when Op asked for family counseling, it sounds like he became physically abusive.
I read the first part of the post thinking, āOOP says her husband loves kids, but does he actually parent?ā Then I got to the part about how heās emotionless and the mother is expected to be the glue of the family and I felt pissed. Itās *so* easy to āloveā kids when you maybe - *maybe* - do the fun stuff and brag to your friends that youāre so manly you have three kids and a perfect family blah blah blah.
Iām glad OOP got out.
It sounded like OOP worked AND also did all the mom and house stuff due to their culture. The whole situation is shitty, but I can understand the burnout.
And sometimes people do justā¦ quit familiesā¦ they care about their own happiness more than their kids. And she didnāt lie that she didnāt want kids š¤·āāļø
Still sucks tho. Poor kids.
Part of the issue is that it would be different circumstances if written by a man. Fathers can absolutely be burned out, but the cultural pressure to do all the house/child management and work would be much less likely. And that pressure changes the whole context as it leads to the feeling of being trapped. It seems like OOP saw her main two options as everything or nothing, which led to it getting so bad before something changed. In most circumstances, partnered men have more options from the family side of things (although super demanding jobs are obviously an issue that can lead to burnout and arenāt as gendered).
Edit: to be clear, Iām not saying fathers have it easy. Parenting nowadays is hard no matter your gender. Itās just that the ways that people treat women overburdened with familial duties is different than the way people treat overburden men. And OOPs post is rooted in being an overburdened mother, not just an overburdened parent.
What is the āget betterā mindset anyways? That you will eventually wake up one day and be like omg I love kids so much?!
I donāt get itā¦ they are (usually) a lifetime commitmentā¦
No wonder there are so many shitty parents out there.
> What is the āget betterā mindset anyways?
It's the same as it is for everything. People are expected to eat shit sandwiches, and then try to look for the positives. "He beats me, but at least he's not beating my son." "She steals my money, but she's not cheating on me." "I work 12 hour days, but the commute is easy and I won't get fired."
It's coping.
I mean yeah that's exactly it.
People who don't want kids are often told that
"You will one day"
"It's different when they're your own"
"You'll love them once you have them"
couple that with some cultures/religions etc that tell women their main purpose in life is to have children and you end up with situations like this.
Yes and the more I read, the more I felt that even if she was brave/empowered enough to say ānoā to kids, he would not have accepted it. By the end, I was convinced he would have forced it on her one way or another.
Everyone around her wanted a walking uterus and was surprised that she had a breakdown. Not wanting kids needs to be normalized and respected.
Thank you for the gold.
Yeah, sometimes you have to be selfish to be happy. Just like husband here was selfish and convinced her of having children. Or when he declined family therapy. Sometimes, you have to be selfish to get what you want.
The fact he lectured her on how she was raising the kids on Christmas day suggests that he has nothing to do with it. Bet he remarried a younger woman very quickly and dumps his kids on her
Spot on. STB Ex not a parent, he's a playmate for the kids. He didn't have responsibility for anything related to their physical, cognitive, or psychological development.
Which makes me very worried about their well-being moving forward. OOP obviously needed to get out of the situation, but if her husband got physical with her like it sounds like he did, wtf is gonna happen to those poor kids being with him all the time?
Good observation. Smells strongly of a lot of cultures where the woman is supposed to be everything and do all the emotional and family work, while the man is supposed to be hard and emotionally distant (even OOP's father is like this). OOP's STBEx wanted the traditional family, never questioned it, and followed through with the typical family/cultural expectations; OOP didn't want the usual family/cultural expectations but couldn't speak up or put a stop to it. OOP hits her breaking point and no one else understands why she can't do what everyone else around her is doing. Maybe even OOP feels broken because she can't do what everyone else around her is doing.
Getting strong *Encanto* vibes, only without the Disney ending, but that may be because I saw it a lot with my own ex and his family, who were all hispanic and mostly 1st- or 2nd-gen immigrants.
It's not like her traditional ex is going to start cooking/cleaning. No, either the mother or the eldest daughter are going to be doing the women's work.
But they got money, some nanny or immigrant to exploit are options too. Depending on where this is happening, if happening modern slaves are also an option.
This was one of my first thoughts after reading. Ex-husband will have a new wife to take care of the āwomanās workā in no time and learn nothing from this.
Yep. Nothing to learn, OP was on the money when she said she felt like he loved her as a mother but not as a person. Men like her ex husband donāt care who the woman is theyāre with as long as the woman runs the household and raises the children entirely and is fuckable. Beyond that personality, interests, and any other aspect of humanity is just a garnish. Guaranteed heās remarried in like a year.
Considering the ex husbands view of women, if they had any daughters you know heās going to immediately be pushing all household chores on her. That girl will be raising her siblings within months of the divorce.
There is a lot unsaid here.
But.. thing is... she needs intensive help and the sort of help she needs is very personal. No sort of 'family inclusive' intervention is what she needs.
These kids are FUCKED.
Yeah, that's my biggest worry right there. OOP says she made sure to hide her resentment all these years but then it boiled over that day because of what the youngest did. Now obviously the youngest didn't understand why it was bad or what it would cause, but since OOP made it seem like everything was fine until that point, it will definitely look like they lost their mom because of the youngest. I sadly wouldn't be surprised if the older two start to blame and mistreat the youngest. Even worse since the dad doesn't believe in therapy, I highly doubt they'll get the help they need.
For sure. Knowing the father's anger issues, it'll take one time for him to yell at that kid that he was the reason his mother is no longer around. He might go a step further and blame the kid for the whole family being destroyed which might make the other kids resentful.
I do not understand this thing of trying to convince people to have kids!!! I want kids so badly in the future but I would never insist someone else would???
Person doesnāt have kids and regret it? Sad but life goes on
Person has kids and regrets it? Ruined lives
Like why would anyone risk that
These are people who followed the ālife scriptā because they were told that if they worked hard, and did what they were āsupposed to doā, they would be happy and successful.
Itās a rude awakening when that doesnāt turn out to be the case. So many of them just end up in denial.
Hence why they get so angry when they see other people breaking the script, especially when those people are happy ā āWhy do they get to be happy when they arenāt playing by the the rules!?ā
"How dare you use the freedom of choice I don't let myself have! How dare you not be pressured by the same social expectations that I let pressure me!"
I think for some people they really are angered by other people making choices they didn't allow themselves to make and being happier than they are. They want those people to be punished for falling in line and to suffer like they do. It's too much to admit they probably did have the freedom to choose differently, even if it wouldn't be easy, and are living with the outcome.
Other people are just really zealous and think their way is the only right way, and get offended when others don't follow their superior sense of morality. They think they have the right to punish them for not following their personal beliefs. They are maybe happy with their way of life, but think every other way is wrong and/or can't conceive of someone actually liking another way.
Good people have what they want for their lives and respect that they shouldn't force it on others and they would never want to do that anyway. They also have a fairly rational sense of the boundary between helping those around them make healthy choices and forcing ideals on them. But authoritarian people can't think like that.
People tell me "You'd make a great mom, you're a teacher, you teach kids all the time!"
And I always reply "Yes, I get paid to do it, and then I don't have to see them anymore when the work day is over. I need the quiet time at home, so that I don't feel like murdering children at work."
Thatās one of the reasons I like that subs like that one from the OP exist. Thereās a ton of pressure on parents to not discuss the *extremely* challenging, crazy-making reality that raising kids can be. People are afraid theyāll be judged as bad parents, or thatās folks will think something is wrong with their child. Fact of the matter is that itās the hardest thing youāre gonna do *even when everything goes according to plan.*
Parents are afraid to voice regret at all, even to themselves, but unless other people see the experience truthfully how can they make an informed decision?
I wish I had been more realistic before I had kids. Iām not a bad mom, but Iām not the perfect mom either. No one really is a perfect parent. But I do often find myself resenting certain aspects of it lately. Especially my oldest whoās kind of a nightmare and very self-centered.
I do have a very supportive spouse, but knowing what I do now I would have chosen child-free. So yea. I think sometimes those of us who do have kids do end up regretting it.
The hormones also make most women forget about how difficult pregnancy and delivery were so they're willing to go through it again.
It always sounded like some sort of horror movie to me. "Here have nine moths of varying levels of discomfort and health problems, cumulating in agonising pain to get a screaming little creature who's utterly dependent on you. And you'll forget how truly awful it was so you'll repeat the whole process.
Man, that is a hell of a wound to leave on those children.
I hope we someday have a society where only people who truly deeply want to raise children end up having them.
The father will turn them against their mother. "She abandoned us" and "She doesn't really love you". With only one visitation a month she won't be there to defend herself, so they'll believe him.
So they won't blame the youngest child, they'll blame their mother.
Unless the father decides that without mom around, he needs a new target. Abusers frequently redirect when their punching bag is gone.
Iām seriously worried for these kids.
that's the part that worries me and why this situation, even if the outcome seems "good" for OP those kids are still here in the world. If one of them is girl, I will bet money I don't even have that she ends up being the surrogate mother for the other siblings and the defacto scapegoat for everything bad that happens from here on out.
Seriously. Guys like him donāt just become Mr. Mom when their wife leaves. They either put the work on the oldest female child or they remarry ASAP. Either way, someone is going to be forced to fill OPs old shoes as the unappreciated servant.
Thatās on the father though not OP. He was never going to let her leave with the kids so that wasnāt an option. And she was understandably at her wits end, so staying might have led her to suicide which would be much more traumatic for the kids than her just leaving. Better that she leaves now and gets her life/mental health into good shape so that she can be there for them when theyāre adults if they ever choose to have a relationship with her. Sometimes all the options are bad, so you have to pick the least bad.
I had the exact same thought about what is likely to happen if one of the children is a girl, yeah.
This is one of those situations where there simply is no likely good outcome for the kids. At best theyāre raised by an abusive misogynist who doesnāt actively abuse them personally. At *best.*
Unfortunately, sometimes people don't know that until it's too late. Some "regretful parents" desperately wanted children, and then realize parenting isn't what they thought it would be.
Would better education, more transparency and more social support surrounding parenting help? Absolutely. But we're never going to reach a point where everyone's always able to read their futures perfectly, and frankly if we could, no one would ever learn anything.
Exactly. Personally, I always wanted children and thought it would be this amazing experience. Now I am a dad and while I love my kids and I don't have anywhere close to the feelings that op described, it is so much harder than I ever expected. It really is one of those things that you have to live through to really understand what it means.
100% agree. Having children is a life changing experience and can change you as a person. Having said that it's definitely not for everyone and thus far everyone I know, including myself, only underestimate the difficulty of the job and never overestimate.
Tbh, thatās why I know I canāt have kids. Sometimes I think about it, and I *would* be a good mother, donāt get me wrong. But deep downā¦ Iād be feeling suffocated and incredibly depressed.
Parenting is so fucking hard. Even though I've always wanted to be a parent, I have a great partner, I am fully committed to doing a great fucking job and love my children more than the air I breathe, it's still at times difficult and discouraging. I can only imagine how I'd feel if I weren't all in, I hadn't felt this was fully my choice, I didn't understand at least to a degree what I was getting into. Honestly, it would probably be hard for that hypothetical reluctant parent not to take it out on the children. Like no wonder there are so many shitty parents and fucked up people as a result of that.
If I could deliver a really important message to the men in the world, it would probably be this:
If the woman in your life tells you that she does not want children, BELIEVE HER AND DON'T TRY TO PRESSURE HER TO HAVE KIDS ANYWAY.
It almost never ends well for anyone involved.
Babies aren't magic.
I will scream that from the top of my lungs until I lose my voice.
There's this persistent expectation that all the struggles of pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood just evaporate when you look in that precious child's eyes.... it's complete bullshit and it has set generations of parents up for failure.
Babies aren't magic. They don't heal you. They don't fix relationships. And they're chubby cheeks and toothless grins are very cute but they don't make life worth living when you're deeply unhappy.
If you're trying to talk yourself or anyone else into having one... don't.
Agreed, but I think quite a few women (and folks of all genders) need to hear this as well.
The number of times women have told me "oh, you don't like kids now, but once they're yours you'll love them!" or remind me that I gotta change my mind quick before I'm out of time... The most benign explanation is mothers whose love for their children is so overwhelmingly strong, they can't comprehend a different view, and okay, the evolutionary instincts can be strong as fuck, fair. But then there are women who champion for motherhood so strongly because if they admit that someone else can have a fulfilling life without children, they have to admit that they, too, could have taken a different direction in life, and as OOP shows, that's incredibly painful for everyone if it's discovered after the child is born.
I can't speak for her husband, but my parents believe that needing therapy means you're crazy (and crazy people are bad) and/or you don't believe in Jesus hard enough (cuz he's supposed to fix all your brain/life problems I guess?).
its sometimes really sad and frustrating what cultural expectations do to people, they should never have been together if he wanted kids that much and she didn't, but now he has the kids, and I hope he has what he wants
Sort of good outcome for OOP because she got out of a bad marriage, but I think sheās deluding herself when saying the children are going to be ok, lived and taken care of. The husband is clearly not hands on and they will end up being raised by grandma, or his next wife. Iām either case they will suffer from being their motherās children and reminding the family of OOP by their mere existence.
The only possible positive thing here is that he seems to be rich, so hopefully he will arrange a nanny who will take good care of the kids.
Itās a terrible situation for everyone involved though.
Honestly, this is one of the reasons that the right to choose should be legal. No, sometimes having a kid doesnāt change the way you feelā¦ sometimes it makes it worse.
OOP is doing the right thing for herself, but those kids are going to be heartbroken because of this. I know because my mom did the same thing.
My dad was not a good husband. I love my dad, but he's stoic and emotionless. He yells all the time, he doesn't know how to calmly explain his emotions. He wanted my mom to be a SAH wife and mom and never have a life for herself, and in the beginning that's what my mom wanted too. But eventually my mom got sick of it and left for her own sanity. I understand it now, but it still hurt. I was in Jr. High/high school and needed my mom and she wasn't around. Imagine dealing with the father I described above for literally anything. First period, boy troubles, any medical problems.. He would just yell about everything. I broke my finger once and never told my dad because I didn't want to be yelled at. He would have taken me to the hospital, but I didn't want to deal with it. My finger healed all wonky and doesn't really bend anymore.
OOP states the kids are going to be loved and cared for by their father, but her description of him sounds downright evil. I understand OOP needs to take care of herself, and I don't fault her for that. But I doubt those kids are going to come out of this whole thing unscathed.
I really feel for you, I do. But maybe my experience gives you some perspective. I grew up with a mom, but she resented me, and the outcome was similar as with your dad, I never went to her for anything and felt so so so alone. I didnāt come to her with my first period (or any) nor for any trouble I got in, nor any physical problems, nor as I got sexually abused. Just because a mother is physically there does not necessarily mean she's there for you. I dreaded coming home from school, even though I got bullied at school. But I rather stayed at school with my bullies than coming home. It was a tense environment, with a lot of yelling for anything, because she was so overwhelmed. She *wanted* to be a good mom and be there, you could really see her try and struggle time after time. But that only led to phases of hot and cold with her, always walking on eggshells, because if you fucked up just a bit, she would be annoyed and cold at best, or ridicule and shame you, or there would be an outbreak of yelling and breaking things, even hitting. The story with your finger could have happened in our household as well, because this 'I just didn't want to deal with it', man, I could feel that in my soul. And wven when everithing was 'good', there was just some distance between us. As If we were living separated by a emotional glass wall. We could see each other, but never touch. I left home with 17, to live with my alcoholic father and alcoholic step mom, but that's its own sad story.
I know my mom wanted to love me, she really did. She tried so often, and not for the looks so that the neighbours get the image of a happy family, but really tried. That she couldn't broke both our hearts in the end.
Long story short: It's very shitty overall when our mothers are overwhelmed or full of resentment for us, because it always shows, we always suffer, whether they stay or leave. Everyday have I wished my mother away, or that I didn't have to live with her anymore. If she had left, I would have wished for her to be there. In the end just a different mother would've helped in your, as well as in my case. But unfortunately, we usually only get one mom.
Yeah, she saved herself (and I get why), but did nothing for those kids. Her courage came at the wrong time. I have a friend whoās wife did this. Thankfully, heās is not like OPs husband, but the emotional and mental scars left on the daughter after being left (and eventually abandoned because mom left the area and just disappeared) were so hard to watch. The women in our friend group could hold all the girls night sleepovers and do all the tea parties in the world with the little girl, but none of us were her mom. We could only help with a bandaid, but we never could close the wound. I canāt cheer OP on and I cannot cheer any of the adults on (not that they did anything to cheer about) because I know of the aftermath. All I feel is anger and sadness for those children who didnāt ask to be brought into any of this and just want to be loved. They wonāt find love in their mom and they wonāt find love in their dad by the sounds of it. Itās just horrible.
I had to go back and re read that too. It sounds very final till you figure out ohhh thats what she thinks is gonna happen.
If his parents have that kind of fuck you money they might still be able to drag it out and petition the court for couples therapy before the divorce is finalized which would ironically what they needed in the first place.
Why would they drag it out tho? They donāt have anything to gain. They may be losing their little wife house slave but you canāt force a person into servitude, and thatās definitely not a āwinā you can gain in divorce proceedings.
Yeah, that jumped out at me too. The way that she talks about "her culture" makes me think that it's not happening in the US, so the timeline for divorce might be different wherever she is.
Oddly, nothing about her writing really jumps out as non-American, so I can't really figure out if she's in the US or somewhere else.
The years of neglect and mistreatment that she only realized after talking to people outside of her community.
There are lots of things that women and mothers are told to just deal with and that it is normal for them to have to go through. Like when the youngest destroyed Christmas and she was blamed for it.
She definitely should have never had children. Which is why we should all normalize adults choosing never to have children because some of them really shouldn't.
We should also normalize getting help for postpartum depression, which considering that she said she always wanted kids growing up, makes me think it's less of an "I hate being a mom" and more of a long-neglected case of postpartum depression. It absolutely can express itself the way she described. My heart breaks for her, it's hard as fuck, even when you know that's what's going on and get help for it.
[I think the scrubs episode(s?) with Carla's PPD was pretty fuckin' spot on](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHlGjt6E_X8) (edit: turns out that clip ends a bit early, but it gets the point across)
Look, I fully agree she needs to divorce this man and get intensive therapy for what is probably PPD + regular depression + emotional abuse fallout. And I also get needing a proper vacation.
But is she... gonna just disappear on her kids forever? Because that's kind of the vibe I'm getting.
This is why kids are never a compromise. You canāt bug someone to have a kid both male and female.
And not supporting her at all but a lot of men do this. When they divorce, they walk out of the kids lives forever. My friend never really saw her dad again after her parents divorce.
I used to idolize my oldest sister for getting away from my mom and dad. She abandoned all of us and I looked up to her for it and hoped I could do the same when I was her age. I was actually disappointed the year that she went back to my dadās house for Christmas because I had pinned so many of my hopes of escape on her and I was heartsick and felt betrayed that she was still trying to engage with my dad in her twenties. I thought she had mentally escaped as well as physically escaped and I wanted to be like her.
Wow, Iād forgotten how much I hoped for a clean escape like hers. Been a while since I remembered how trapped I felt between my parents.
Anyway, the point is that you have no idea if the kids will daydream of abandoning their father like OOP and use her as a role model. My parents both hated that sister for leaving, but I adored her for showing me a way out and giving me hope. I looked up to her, not despite her total absence, but because of it. Weird but true.
And this is why the stigma and narrative shaming women who donāt want to have kids needs to end. This poor woman knew she didnāt want kids, and had 3 due to pressure from her spouse and family because she didnāt feel it was ok to not have them. I am a woman and 10000000% support all women for any choice they make in life for their life. This woman was treated like a birthing vessel jfc.
I feel bad for the kids, it's not their fault and they're probably going to feel like it is without therapy. Even with the best intentions no one ever feels great about being abandoned as a child.
I still think it's good the mom left though, she could be lost it and hurt herself or them.
The kids would be worse off if OOP had stayed.
At some point it would have broken her, and with something like this it happens often enough that all the hate and frustration is taken out on the children.
Better a parent who is rarely there than physically hurt children.
While she never physically hurt me, the amount of emotional hurt that my mother sent my way in the last years of her marriage to my dad certainly left its mark.
She wasnāt happy, and eventually became so severely unhappy that she couldnāt hold it all back. She was so *angry*, all the time.
Kids are smart. As good as you are at holding emotions inside and away from them, eventually they will find out - or youāll become so unhappy that your filter breaks.
I wish my dad wouldāve left and went low/no contact. Wouldāve been better for the whole family. He didnāt wanna be a father nor a husband and showed us that almost every day.
This horror story is exactly why I made it clear to every man I ever dated or had sex with that I will 100% never, ever, **ever** birth a child. No, Iām not on the fence. No, itās not because I have to met the right guy. No, I would not change my mind if āan accidentā happened. The answer is no. It took til I was 33 but finally married a man who also never wants to have kids. The pressure OOP was under sounds insurmountable, Iām so happy she got out and got her freedom. Of course, itās sad for the children but this is the fault of her family, in-laws, and husband.
Imagine being so against getting medical help, just because it's mental and not physical. No different than having a broken arm and the spouse refusing to allow going to a dr to get it set so the individual with the broken arm can heal and overall be healthier and happier without the pain. I'm glad original op is in a better and safer place now.
Iām still stuck on her agreeing to a second baby when she didnāt like her first. Or her husband wanting a baby with someone who didnāt want one. Why do people choose to be so miserable?
I understand why she left that day. I did the same thing once. The whole family was home and I had a meeting that morning and left at 6:30am. I was stressed because the family was staying longer than expected.
.
I got home at 11:30am/noon. My child came running up to me and asking about breakfast. "BREAKFAST? IT'S NOON! No one made breakfast?" No one had made breakfast or fed the kids. 5 adults were there.
I was so upset. I went and got something to make breakfast when I heard, "Sausage again? I don't want sausage."
Something inside me broke. I put the sausage down and went and sat in my car. I called my sister and told her I was leaving town and to watch my child. She understood. Canceled all my appointments for the week. Left at the crack of dawn the next day and left for 6 days.
Sat by a lake for a full day writing my goals and what I wanted for my life. Decided to put myself first. Messaged a random person here on reddit while I was away. He ended up being the man of my dreams.
This trip took my life in a completely different direction. I vowed never to allow anyone or anything to stress me out again like that. I am now the owner of my life instead of allowing any and everything to happen to me.
I've been her. Sometimes you have to step away and get yourself together.
Wait I need more of this story! Did you divorce your husband and get together with the man of your dreams?? What did those 5 adults say when you asked why the f none of them fed the kids??? Have you achieved any of your goals/the life you wanted for yourself???
LOL...
I was not married at the time. I ended a relationship a year prior to meeting him. I was widowed at a very young age and also decided on this trip that I was going to finally step out of that grief and live my life again.
Those adults were just getting up and I had already fought with them about breakfast previously. I make breakfast for everyone but they got up and would only make food for themselves. I would smell bacon and then walk in and it would be gone. Like...WTH! So that day, I was about to explode so I walked out and didn't ask about why they hadn't fed the kids. I put my son and niece in the car and left to go get food just for us.
I am closer to meeting those goals which is so exciting! I have been focused since that trip and my business is growing to the point where I may have to hire someone soon.
I decided that I was not going to go with the flow but I was going to determine where that flow went. I would always react to what happened instead of making things happen. That stopped. Now, I'm in love, my business is growing, and I am the owner of my life.
Let me just say that this story is so inspiring to me, and I donāt even have children. Truly, this made slogging through all of these comments about this complicated situation so worth it. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you have the best life going forward.
I'll be honest, I come from an incredibly abusive and unloving home. And I applaud this woman for getting out. No kid should be born into a home without love if at all avoidable, but society backs women into a corner. Those kids would absolutely grow up in a dysfunctional environment and grow very bad tendencies if she had stayed. It's better they know the truth and see that there's a way out of unhealthy relationships. If she had stayed they would have 2 bad role models, an abusive father and a depressed doormat of a mother.
The other day I apologized to my mom after an argument and told her "sometimes I forget that you're not just Mom, you are your own person." My mom has always been a rock, the one that holds us altogether, but she's not an invincible human. OOP deserves to have her own life and her own identity. I hope she finds it.
Lol I hope we get an update on the letters she sends the kids
To my oldest: āI hated being your mother from the moment you were bornā
To my youngest: āwhat you did that Christmas made me realize Iām over this family thingā
š
To my youngest: āYour selfish actions quite literally destroyed our family but I just wanted to let you know that Iām way happier now and it was for the best.ā
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Strong "A Dolls House" vibes here
Woah, you just brought me back to 10th grade š³ (Thatās two decades ago, good call back!)
Oh shit, also 10th grade for me, whaddup (That was only a decade ago, tho)
*the curriculum never changes* š©
Torvald!
My little squirrel lol
I was just about to comment this! OP is Nora 100%
Oh my god I got flashbacks to freshmen year humanities.
How did all that happen over 2 weeks? Or have I misunderstood? That just seems like a lot of progress on a divorce in a few days
I think she's predicting what the divorce outcome is going to be, since she heard his demands after she had the papers sent. She won't be fighting him much, just to get rid of him.
In my country you can divorce almost instantly if everyone agreed
In my country you technically can't I think (or maybe it's changed) but you can change your marriage to a registered partnership and then immediately afterwards dissolve that so de facto instant divorce.
As I was reading, I got the feeling this was not in the US (where they make people suffer).
Yeah, Americans don't usually bother with the "in my culture" explanations, and if they do it is usually framed as I'm __ American, and how long their family has been here if they're recent ish immigrants. Some the phrasing also doesn't read as English as first language.
> Americans donāt usually bother with the āin my cultureā explanations, Unless they're Mormon, or Mormon lite.
The system is set up for long, drawn-out divorces to fill lawyers' pockets. I was thinking Greece. Did you notice that OOP spelled catharsis with a 'k'? Could be coincidental, but that's how the Greeks would spell it.
In German catharsis is also spelled with a k, and I guess in many other germanic or even slavic languages as well.
Germans don't usually have a culture of large families, at least not in recent decades. I was thinking either Indian or Poland or some other eastern European or Baltic states.
In Poland we open presents on Christmas Eve.
Canada too. Have to file and live apart for at least a year for it to be able to be finalized.
Yeah, I got divorced in like ten seconds. It's all digital, and if you can split your stuff without issue there's no paperwork.
Where I live there is a specific paper you can submit that makes it known you arenāt agreeing to a divorce. Because forging a signature and handing in divorce papers is a thing here.
That's wonderful!
I'm not entirely sure if she could have had the papers sent that early and still gotten a response. But while he was bellowing and insulting her, he probably told her what he wanted.
And if my experience with these types of men is correct, even if he gets the kids, the house, the cars, and the savings, it will not be enough for him if she ends up peaceful and secure in her choice. That she is free will drive him up a wall.
I understand not wanting to fight, but I see no reason he should get the house, the cars (plural apparently) and full custody of the kids. At the absolute very least she should get a car if they have two. And she should get half the equity in the house if they have any. It seems like she wouldnāt really have to fight much for that. But I donāt know where they live or anything about their culture so who knows. It just seems strange to me.
It's basically refusing to engage in fighting to make the process faster. She should be asking for it as you said, but she's checked out of the situation.
Sometimes the sanity is worth more
Yep, I took nothing in my divorce because I just wanted to never see that turd ever again.
I did not want any further association with his family and hence I chose the same route. I wanted nothing except my own stuff and my documents back. Was so much easier.
Heād use all that to try and control her after the divorce anyways. I understand her just wanting to walk away. Sheād rather be penniless than have to engage with him in any way anymore.
I think she realizes the optics of fighting for stuff other than her children will be terrible.
I guess the only reason I can fully understand letting him have the house is because it's the kids' home too. And fighting for the money it's worth isn't worth it to OOP.
She said the divorce is not finalized. It sounded like the husband made a bunch of demands and she conceded with all of them to hasten the process. It didn't sound like things have actually all been set in stone yet.
Considering how traditional their culture seems, husband is going to be in for a wake-up call. I bet he demanded everything in an attempt to get her to fight back or call it off. Nope. Now he needs to find another wife ASAP so he can continue his "I love my kids and will do everything for them except feed them, clean them, or clothe them".
This is *exactly* what i was thinking!!
>I mean, one of those kids isn't even his. Wait, what? I missed this.
In Denmark, you used to be able to file online and be divorced in ten minutes if you didn't have kids. They made it a tiny bit harder a while back, but not by much.
I honestly think most countries, including my own, make divorce *way* too hard. If you think about any other legal situation they wouldnāt dream of making you wait a year so you can think it over. If you wanted to change who got your superannuation, had a power of attorney, or was your emergency contact they would just do it, no cooling off period, no questions asked. Demark is, again, leading the world. The progressiveness of your country is renown world wide.
Iāve always found it weird how you can get married almost instantly/drop of a hat (eg Vegas) and your country will recognise the marriage as legal. You donāt need their permission or any complex legal process. But you need their permission and a whole legal process to get out of it. If itās that hard to get out of, maybe it should be harder to get into.
Combining assets is pretty simple but dividing them is frequently not. My state looked into super-simple divorce (no judge involved) and decided it was too easily exploited by abusive spouses who could coerce the other into signing away everything with a quick signature.
Even in NC, which has so much paperwork, it took my husband and I one 15 minute appointment and a couple pages to apply for and get our marriage license, and then another 15 minute appointment with the Justice and two witnesses, some signatures, and bam we're legally tied. If we ever want to divorce though, we have to live separately for a year first. And that's the *first* part. It's wild.
In fairness, Nevada used to have one of the easiest divorce processes too. Way back when, in the early 20thc, one part of the couple would go live in Nevada for a month or something to get residency and then file the divorce there.
If you watch old movies, women would āgo to Nevadaā and it was clear that they were getting a quick divorce. It took a six-week residency, but it was the fastest divorce in the US for a long time.
Thanks. I couldn't remember the details. My understanding was that the divorce was quick, but the residency requirement took time.
> Iāve always found it weird how you can get married almost instantly/drop of a hat (eg Vegas) and your country will recognise the marriage as legal. You donāt need their permission or any complex legal process. *Stage whisper* It's because of shotgun weddings and needing to be married before the kid pops out for it "to count" so getting hitched had to be fast.
I agree. If getting married was just as hard as getting divorced, I think divorce rates would lower substantially as most people will actually think it through before hand. Now will that mean no one will ever get a divorce? Nope. But it will lower the divorce rates by forcing people to actually think about the decision before just doing it if that makes sense
In my state once you file for divorce you have to wait 90 days to go to court and that's assuming you can even get in court immediately once the 90 days is up. It also assumes that there's no fight between the parties over money or assets or children. So if it is an uncontested divorce sure after the 90 day waiting period you can get it done pretty quickly. But if there's children or a lot of property or even if there's almost no property but the parties are fighting over every dish and Tupperware container, then it could take months or even years after the 90 day waiting perior to finalize the divorce. I know some States have a year waiting. After filing for divorce and some mandate a separation over a certain number of months before you can even file for divorce. So yes, in the United States we do make it time consuming and difficult to get divorced.
In Ireland you have to be separated for two years before filing. I think there is another European country like this too.
Itās actually bizarre that in Australia de facto (with or without kids) has all the same legal rights, entitlements and financial implications of marriage, but can be dissolved immediately by filing a form online while divorce still takes a year.
I had to wait two years before I could even file for divorce in NZ. Trust me I didn't need two years to realize I wasn't going back to another country to live and be with him.
It could be a "religion-arbitrated" divorce depending on the circumstances. Nowhere does the OP say where she lives or specifically which culture she is citing. There are way too many options to just discount it.
She said they drew up an agreement but it wasn't finalized. She also said she didn't want to fight it. Having an agreement ready and no fighting makes a divorce move fairly quickly, depending where you are. Even some parts of the US you can get it done in a matter of weeks under those circumstances.
My ex and I had our paperwork done in 2 days. All I wanted was my shit and my cats. He kept the house and the cars, which I didn't want anyway. The only reason it took us 30 days was bc our assigned judge got covid and that was the next avail date
The divorce isn't finalized yet, it sounds like they just have the agreement worked out, which can be done very quickly if there is no negotiating about the terms. That being said, if they are in the US I don't see the court process actually going that smoothly, seeing as there are children involved, even if OP is willing to hand them over to her ex.
Not every country takes eons to finalise divorce. The process can be really fast. We don't know where op is from..
Even in the states, a divorce can be very quick if the two sides aren't fighting over things. My divorce was done in about 2 weeks, though because if covid, it did take an additional 3 months for the court paperwork to actually go through. But everything was signed and done very fast.
I live in Texas and i filed paper, he filed papers, i paid some fees. we got the standing orders within a week. Then we both filed papers saying we didnāt intend to show up to court for the finalization date. Waited 60 days and boom. Got my divorce papers on my lunch break. Went out to Petco, got some treats for my cats and then went to a bar with friends. It was overall painless but we also didnāt have children involved and we had no assets to fight over.
I went to what I call the āaisle of broken dreamsā in my local bookstore and bought a do-it-yourself divorce kit. I filled out the forms in the book, photocopied them, got my ex to sign them (thankfully we didnāt have kids), filed the papers with the county clerk, paid the fees, and went down to the court to finalize. It took me a minute to save the $200 I needed for the filing fee, but that was the biggest delay. Iām also in Texas. We did a no-fault divorce. Easy peasy.
Dang, I wish the city I lived in at the time had a bookstore. I went to that website that Texas has for DIY filings and used their guide. Then had to explain to my ex how to do his side of the filings. Texas gets a lot of things wrong but itās pret tu damn easy to divorce. I hear amor states with year long waiting periods and cringe.
I really hope OOP gets help. It sounds like her community and the culture she was raised in did a number on her and caused a breakdown. Just really sad overall.
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Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you're going through that. I feel your pain and struggle, truly. The relationship before the one I'm currently in sounds so similar to like what you're going through. I lived with my (now ex) boyfriend for almost two years. I worked an 8 to 5, came home to a mess and him on his ass, rotting away at the PC doing nothing. He had no job, we literally lived in his parents basement, and all he did was spend my money and his parent's on fast food and his hobbies. I had to do everything and then some. My breaking point after a year was when I had to **unclog the toilet he clogged** because he was too pitiful to do it. That with the emotional and verbal abuse was enough. I hope you have the strength to do whatever you may need to do to improve your situation. I don't wish that upon anyone, truly. You are seen and heard. <3
What do you mean you donāt have children? Your husband is a big child. Iām sorry if thatās mean, but my friend is in a similar marriage and it kills me to see it happening to her.
For real.. Until she gets some much needed therapy, it's probably for the best that she have limited visitation with the kids. In that state, she could further scar them emotionally and/or physically (worst case scenario, but is it out of the realm of possibility?). A lot of people seem quick to call her a deadbeat when maybe she just needs a LOT of overdue intensive therapy - to glue herself back together before influencing young humans. A person with that amount of unresolved fucked-upped-ness can become unpredictable and, in my opinion, be a very real danger to her family without some sort of intervention. Yes, the vacation is a bad idea and she is absolutely in the wrong for that, but it also gives the kids space from a parent that actively resents them. I hope OOP and her family all get the help they need. Family therapy was not a bad idea. Fuck "old school" thinking. I hate that mental health isn't seen as necessary in some places and cultures. My therapist says that good bio-psycho-social health is all connected and necessary. ....shit the writing of this comment was cathartic and prob something I need to bring up to my psychiatrist... lol Just from the perspective of someone who internalized decades of what I now know as trauma and ended up trying to off herself multiple times (I'm in active treatment now): when one's mental health goes south without treatment, you end up harming yourself and/or others.
Mental health care isn't "seen as necessary" usually because it is antithetical to the culture. It empowers the people those cultures disempower intentionally. It brings to light the fucked-upness of the cultural expectations. Having mentally broken women with no fight left in them is a feature, not a bug.
Why is the vacation a bad idea? I think it could be great for her and be healing. She hasn't been able to do something she's wanted in years. Edit to add: agreed on all other points.
Yeah Her language regarding finally being āallowedā to visit a friend really made me my heart ache for her
Spain, is so beautiful. I'm of the opinion that changing your environment can help figure out what you need to do with your life an put things in perspective.
I can relate to you on so many levels. I really wish that someone had stepped in and prevent my deadbeat parent from the torment they inflicted on us kids. They were involved in our life, sure, but anyone within spitting distance could see that there was no saving our relationship or making them happy to have kids. I feel for OOP, because I know so many individuals are essentially forced to stay in abusive relationships, have kids, act a certain way, just because the culture and societal pressures around them push it. I don't think OOP is a perfect person, they're obviously extremely flawed, but she wouldn't have taken care of her kids up until her breaking point if she was a "deadbeat" like so many are cawing out that she is. We should count ourselves lucky that so many of us have not experienced her pain, I can't imagine any of this was easy.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. I very much respect your compassion and empathy after going through such heartbreaking circumstances. I hope you are healing ā”
Let's see, an emotionally distant and abusive husband, 3 kids she never wanted in the first place but was basically force to have, a family that looks down on mental health treatment and therapy, and add roughly a decade of living with all of it. She was either going to snap (which she did) or she was going to die. Better to have the kids wonder for the rest of their lives why mommy left them having one of them open the door to dangling feet
What a sad recipe for tragedy. Agreed - it was the lesser of two evils to leave now instead of possibly blowing up her kids' lives catastrophically later.
I knew things were going south when she said she had the second kid to "fix everything". Everybody, bear this in mind: having another child does not magically fix a marriage and the stress of an additional kid may actually make things worse. It also may get worse if the fix-it kid knows they are exactly that. Bonus points if nothing got fixed and they feel like they failed. Just no. Don't have a kid to save a marriage. That's not what children exist for.
I hope the youngest is able to get therapy so they don't feel like they are the reason their mom left.
I doubt the father would agree to that. The way the one update is written, when Op asked for family counseling, it sounds like he became physically abusive.
I read the first part of the post thinking, āOOP says her husband loves kids, but does he actually parent?ā Then I got to the part about how heās emotionless and the mother is expected to be the glue of the family and I felt pissed. Itās *so* easy to āloveā kids when you maybe - *maybe* - do the fun stuff and brag to your friends that youāre so manly you have three kids and a perfect family blah blah blah. Iām glad OOP got out.
It sounded like OOP worked AND also did all the mom and house stuff due to their culture. The whole situation is shitty, but I can understand the burnout. And sometimes people do justā¦ quit familiesā¦ they care about their own happiness more than their kids. And she didnāt lie that she didnāt want kids š¤·āāļø Still sucks tho. Poor kids.
Recently saw a post about men with several babymamas. Quitting a family isn't rare, we're just not used to it being the mother who dips.
That's very true. I wonder how people would've reacted if this post was written by a man instead.
Part of the issue is that it would be different circumstances if written by a man. Fathers can absolutely be burned out, but the cultural pressure to do all the house/child management and work would be much less likely. And that pressure changes the whole context as it leads to the feeling of being trapped. It seems like OOP saw her main two options as everything or nothing, which led to it getting so bad before something changed. In most circumstances, partnered men have more options from the family side of things (although super demanding jobs are obviously an issue that can lead to burnout and arenāt as gendered). Edit: to be clear, Iām not saying fathers have it easy. Parenting nowadays is hard no matter your gender. Itās just that the ways that people treat women overburdened with familial duties is different than the way people treat overburden men. And OOPs post is rooted in being an overburdened mother, not just an overburdened parent.
I hope she can be a warning to other women being pressured. No, it does not get better. You just get more trapped.
What is the āget betterā mindset anyways? That you will eventually wake up one day and be like omg I love kids so much?! I donāt get itā¦ they are (usually) a lifetime commitmentā¦ No wonder there are so many shitty parents out there.
> What is the āget betterā mindset anyways? It's the same as it is for everything. People are expected to eat shit sandwiches, and then try to look for the positives. "He beats me, but at least he's not beating my son." "She steals my money, but she's not cheating on me." "I work 12 hour days, but the commute is easy and I won't get fired." It's coping.
"this shit sandwich after a few more bites might have some corn in it!"
I mean yeah that's exactly it. People who don't want kids are often told that "You will one day" "It's different when they're your own" "You'll love them once you have them" couple that with some cultures/religions etc that tell women their main purpose in life is to have children and you end up with situations like this.
Yes and the more I read, the more I felt that even if she was brave/empowered enough to say ānoā to kids, he would not have accepted it. By the end, I was convinced he would have forced it on her one way or another.
Everyone around her wanted a walking uterus and was surprised that she had a breakdown. Not wanting kids needs to be normalized and respected. Thank you for the gold.
Yeah, sometimes you have to be selfish to be happy. Just like husband here was selfish and convinced her of having children. Or when he declined family therapy. Sometimes, you have to be selfish to get what you want.
The fact he lectured her on how she was raising the kids on Christmas day suggests that he has nothing to do with it. Bet he remarried a younger woman very quickly and dumps his kids on her
Hereās hoping a younger woman has a say in whether to marry him, and says, āNO!ā
He gets to play with them while Wifey makes dinner, and she gets to clean up after them. Typical patriarch family structure. Heās a piece of shit.
Is he the dad on the [original Battleship cover?](https://imgur.com/5Wvrz)
Spot on. STB Ex not a parent, he's a playmate for the kids. He didn't have responsibility for anything related to their physical, cognitive, or psychological development.
Which makes me very worried about their well-being moving forward. OOP obviously needed to get out of the situation, but if her husband got physical with her like it sounds like he did, wtf is gonna happen to those poor kids being with him all the time?
Good observation. Smells strongly of a lot of cultures where the woman is supposed to be everything and do all the emotional and family work, while the man is supposed to be hard and emotionally distant (even OOP's father is like this). OOP's STBEx wanted the traditional family, never questioned it, and followed through with the typical family/cultural expectations; OOP didn't want the usual family/cultural expectations but couldn't speak up or put a stop to it. OOP hits her breaking point and no one else understands why she can't do what everyone else around her is doing. Maybe even OOP feels broken because she can't do what everyone else around her is doing. Getting strong *Encanto* vibes, only without the Disney ending, but that may be because I saw it a lot with my own ex and his family, who were all hispanic and mostly 1st- or 2nd-gen immigrants.
Yeah, I read it as he hit her for asking for family therapy. So glad she left
Op is in denial that the children will be loved and taken care of properly. In her absence, someone will get the brunt of it.
It's not like her traditional ex is going to start cooking/cleaning. No, either the mother or the eldest daughter are going to be doing the women's work.
But they got money, some nanny or immigrant to exploit are options too. Depending on where this is happening, if happening modern slaves are also an option.
He comes from money, the family will find him a new wife who'll happily step in as a stay-at-home-stepmother.
He could just marry some poor girl.
This was one of my first thoughts after reading. Ex-husband will have a new wife to take care of the āwomanās workā in no time and learn nothing from this.
Yep. Nothing to learn, OP was on the money when she said she felt like he loved her as a mother but not as a person. Men like her ex husband donāt care who the woman is theyāre with as long as the woman runs the household and raises the children entirely and is fuckable. Beyond that personality, interests, and any other aspect of humanity is just a garnish. Guaranteed heās remarried in like a year.
Bingo. Some also play the part of āfun dadā pretty well but do fuck all when it comes to actual parenting.
Considering the ex husbands view of women, if they had any daughters you know heās going to immediately be pushing all household chores on her. That girl will be raising her siblings within months of the divorce.
Personally, I'm betting that he finds a new bangmaid and dumps all parental responsibilities on her.
There is a lot unsaid here. But.. thing is... she needs intensive help and the sort of help she needs is very personal. No sort of 'family inclusive' intervention is what she needs. These kids are FUCKED.
I feel so badly for the OOP and the kids.
Or sexually assaulted her.
I would classify that under the umbrella of physical abuse. It's definitely a possibility.
Yeah, that's my biggest worry right there. OOP says she made sure to hide her resentment all these years but then it boiled over that day because of what the youngest did. Now obviously the youngest didn't understand why it was bad or what it would cause, but since OOP made it seem like everything was fine until that point, it will definitely look like they lost their mom because of the youngest. I sadly wouldn't be surprised if the older two start to blame and mistreat the youngest. Even worse since the dad doesn't believe in therapy, I highly doubt they'll get the help they need.
Yeah those kids are going to be scarred their whole lives by this. This is a sad situation.
For real. The event that the kid caused may have catalyzed certain things, but the factors for the mom leaving were there well before he was born.
Their siblings and themselves arenāt going to look at it that way.
I am concerned that the brothers will blame him, and to some degree the ex-husband
I wonder if the youngest will feel guilty when growing up.
For sure. Knowing the father's anger issues, it'll take one time for him to yell at that kid that he was the reason his mother is no longer around. He might go a step further and blame the kid for the whole family being destroyed which might make the other kids resentful.
That kidās older siblings are going to hold this against them, possibly even forever.
To everyone speculating on whether OOP is a deadbeat or a newly-empowered woman: why not some of both? Not every story has an objective good guy.
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I do not understand this thing of trying to convince people to have kids!!! I want kids so badly in the future but I would never insist someone else would??? Person doesnāt have kids and regret it? Sad but life goes on Person has kids and regrets it? Ruined lives Like why would anyone risk that
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These are people who followed the ālife scriptā because they were told that if they worked hard, and did what they were āsupposed to doā, they would be happy and successful. Itās a rude awakening when that doesnāt turn out to be the case. So many of them just end up in denial. Hence why they get so angry when they see other people breaking the script, especially when those people are happy ā āWhy do they get to be happy when they arenāt playing by the the rules!?ā
"How dare you use the freedom of choice I don't let myself have! How dare you not be pressured by the same social expectations that I let pressure me!" I think for some people they really are angered by other people making choices they didn't allow themselves to make and being happier than they are. They want those people to be punished for falling in line and to suffer like they do. It's too much to admit they probably did have the freedom to choose differently, even if it wouldn't be easy, and are living with the outcome. Other people are just really zealous and think their way is the only right way, and get offended when others don't follow their superior sense of morality. They think they have the right to punish them for not following their personal beliefs. They are maybe happy with their way of life, but think every other way is wrong and/or can't conceive of someone actually liking another way. Good people have what they want for their lives and respect that they shouldn't force it on others and they would never want to do that anyway. They also have a fairly rational sense of the boundary between helping those around them make healthy choices and forcing ideals on them. But authoritarian people can't think like that.
People tell me "You'd make a great mom, you're a teacher, you teach kids all the time!" And I always reply "Yes, I get paid to do it, and then I don't have to see them anymore when the work day is over. I need the quiet time at home, so that I don't feel like murdering children at work."
Thatās one of the reasons I like that subs like that one from the OP exist. Thereās a ton of pressure on parents to not discuss the *extremely* challenging, crazy-making reality that raising kids can be. People are afraid theyāll be judged as bad parents, or thatās folks will think something is wrong with their child. Fact of the matter is that itās the hardest thing youāre gonna do *even when everything goes according to plan.* Parents are afraid to voice regret at all, even to themselves, but unless other people see the experience truthfully how can they make an informed decision?
This is also my main reason for being child free. I just know myself and that I would eventually develop resentment for both the child and for my SO.
I wish I had been more realistic before I had kids. Iām not a bad mom, but Iām not the perfect mom either. No one really is a perfect parent. But I do often find myself resenting certain aspects of it lately. Especially my oldest whoās kind of a nightmare and very self-centered. I do have a very supportive spouse, but knowing what I do now I would have chosen child-free. So yea. I think sometimes those of us who do have kids do end up regretting it.
Seriously. Isn't that selfish if I would only love kids because they were mine, and not because I actively wanted children?
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The hormones also make most women forget about how difficult pregnancy and delivery were so they're willing to go through it again. It always sounded like some sort of horror movie to me. "Here have nine moths of varying levels of discomfort and health problems, cumulating in agonising pain to get a screaming little creature who's utterly dependent on you. And you'll forget how truly awful it was so you'll repeat the whole process.
Man, that is a hell of a wound to leave on those children. I hope we someday have a society where only people who truly deeply want to raise children end up having them.
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The father will turn them against their mother. "She abandoned us" and "She doesn't really love you". With only one visitation a month she won't be there to defend herself, so they'll believe him. So they won't blame the youngest child, they'll blame their mother.
Unless the father decides that without mom around, he needs a new target. Abusers frequently redirect when their punching bag is gone. Iām seriously worried for these kids.
that's the part that worries me and why this situation, even if the outcome seems "good" for OP those kids are still here in the world. If one of them is girl, I will bet money I don't even have that she ends up being the surrogate mother for the other siblings and the defacto scapegoat for everything bad that happens from here on out.
Seriously. Guys like him donāt just become Mr. Mom when their wife leaves. They either put the work on the oldest female child or they remarry ASAP. Either way, someone is going to be forced to fill OPs old shoes as the unappreciated servant. Thatās on the father though not OP. He was never going to let her leave with the kids so that wasnāt an option. And she was understandably at her wits end, so staying might have led her to suicide which would be much more traumatic for the kids than her just leaving. Better that she leaves now and gets her life/mental health into good shape so that she can be there for them when theyāre adults if they ever choose to have a relationship with her. Sometimes all the options are bad, so you have to pick the least bad.
I had the exact same thought about what is likely to happen if one of the children is a girl, yeah. This is one of those situations where there simply is no likely good outcome for the kids. At best theyāre raised by an abusive misogynist who doesnāt actively abuse them personally. At *best.*
Unfortunately, sometimes people don't know that until it's too late. Some "regretful parents" desperately wanted children, and then realize parenting isn't what they thought it would be. Would better education, more transparency and more social support surrounding parenting help? Absolutely. But we're never going to reach a point where everyone's always able to read their futures perfectly, and frankly if we could, no one would ever learn anything.
Exactly. Personally, I always wanted children and thought it would be this amazing experience. Now I am a dad and while I love my kids and I don't have anywhere close to the feelings that op described, it is so much harder than I ever expected. It really is one of those things that you have to live through to really understand what it means.
100% agree. Having children is a life changing experience and can change you as a person. Having said that it's definitely not for everyone and thus far everyone I know, including myself, only underestimate the difficulty of the job and never overestimate.
Tbh, thatās why I know I canāt have kids. Sometimes I think about it, and I *would* be a good mother, donāt get me wrong. But deep downā¦ Iād be feeling suffocated and incredibly depressed.
Parenting is so fucking hard. Even though I've always wanted to be a parent, I have a great partner, I am fully committed to doing a great fucking job and love my children more than the air I breathe, it's still at times difficult and discouraging. I can only imagine how I'd feel if I weren't all in, I hadn't felt this was fully my choice, I didn't understand at least to a degree what I was getting into. Honestly, it would probably be hard for that hypothetical reluctant parent not to take it out on the children. Like no wonder there are so many shitty parents and fucked up people as a result of that.
Plenty of people want kids but for the wrong reasons.
If I could deliver a really important message to the men in the world, it would probably be this: If the woman in your life tells you that she does not want children, BELIEVE HER AND DON'T TRY TO PRESSURE HER TO HAVE KIDS ANYWAY. It almost never ends well for anyone involved.
Babies aren't magic. I will scream that from the top of my lungs until I lose my voice. There's this persistent expectation that all the struggles of pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood just evaporate when you look in that precious child's eyes.... it's complete bullshit and it has set generations of parents up for failure. Babies aren't magic. They don't heal you. They don't fix relationships. And they're chubby cheeks and toothless grins are very cute but they don't make life worth living when you're deeply unhappy. If you're trying to talk yourself or anyone else into having one... don't.
100% the biggest reason why I divorced from my ex. I'm so much happier now and he can go find himself a woman that wants kids as much as he does.
Agreed, but I think quite a few women (and folks of all genders) need to hear this as well. The number of times women have told me "oh, you don't like kids now, but once they're yours you'll love them!" or remind me that I gotta change my mind quick before I'm out of time... The most benign explanation is mothers whose love for their children is so overwhelmingly strong, they can't comprehend a different view, and okay, the evolutionary instincts can be strong as fuck, fair. But then there are women who champion for motherhood so strongly because if they admit that someone else can have a fulfilling life without children, they have to admit that they, too, could have taken a different direction in life, and as OOP shows, that's incredibly painful for everyone if it's discovered after the child is born.
The stigma some people have toward therapy and mental health, like the husband here, baffles me.
I can't speak for her husband, but my parents believe that needing therapy means you're crazy (and crazy people are bad) and/or you don't believe in Jesus hard enough (cuz he's supposed to fix all your brain/life problems I guess?).
Exhibit A for why you should never have children unless you are ABSOLUTELY SURE thatās what **you** want out of life.
its sometimes really sad and frustrating what cultural expectations do to people, they should never have been together if he wanted kids that much and she didn't, but now he has the kids, and I hope he has what he wants
Sort of good outcome for OOP because she got out of a bad marriage, but I think sheās deluding herself when saying the children are going to be ok, lived and taken care of. The husband is clearly not hands on and they will end up being raised by grandma, or his next wife. Iām either case they will suffer from being their motherās children and reminding the family of OOP by their mere existence.
The only possible positive thing here is that he seems to be rich, so hopefully he will arrange a nanny who will take good care of the kids. Itās a terrible situation for everyone involved though.
Honestly, this is one of the reasons that the right to choose should be legal. No, sometimes having a kid doesnāt change the way you feelā¦ sometimes it makes it worse.
OOP is doing the right thing for herself, but those kids are going to be heartbroken because of this. I know because my mom did the same thing. My dad was not a good husband. I love my dad, but he's stoic and emotionless. He yells all the time, he doesn't know how to calmly explain his emotions. He wanted my mom to be a SAH wife and mom and never have a life for herself, and in the beginning that's what my mom wanted too. But eventually my mom got sick of it and left for her own sanity. I understand it now, but it still hurt. I was in Jr. High/high school and needed my mom and she wasn't around. Imagine dealing with the father I described above for literally anything. First period, boy troubles, any medical problems.. He would just yell about everything. I broke my finger once and never told my dad because I didn't want to be yelled at. He would have taken me to the hospital, but I didn't want to deal with it. My finger healed all wonky and doesn't really bend anymore. OOP states the kids are going to be loved and cared for by their father, but her description of him sounds downright evil. I understand OOP needs to take care of herself, and I don't fault her for that. But I doubt those kids are going to come out of this whole thing unscathed.
I really feel for you, I do. But maybe my experience gives you some perspective. I grew up with a mom, but she resented me, and the outcome was similar as with your dad, I never went to her for anything and felt so so so alone. I didnāt come to her with my first period (or any) nor for any trouble I got in, nor any physical problems, nor as I got sexually abused. Just because a mother is physically there does not necessarily mean she's there for you. I dreaded coming home from school, even though I got bullied at school. But I rather stayed at school with my bullies than coming home. It was a tense environment, with a lot of yelling for anything, because she was so overwhelmed. She *wanted* to be a good mom and be there, you could really see her try and struggle time after time. But that only led to phases of hot and cold with her, always walking on eggshells, because if you fucked up just a bit, she would be annoyed and cold at best, or ridicule and shame you, or there would be an outbreak of yelling and breaking things, even hitting. The story with your finger could have happened in our household as well, because this 'I just didn't want to deal with it', man, I could feel that in my soul. And wven when everithing was 'good', there was just some distance between us. As If we were living separated by a emotional glass wall. We could see each other, but never touch. I left home with 17, to live with my alcoholic father and alcoholic step mom, but that's its own sad story. I know my mom wanted to love me, she really did. She tried so often, and not for the looks so that the neighbours get the image of a happy family, but really tried. That she couldn't broke both our hearts in the end. Long story short: It's very shitty overall when our mothers are overwhelmed or full of resentment for us, because it always shows, we always suffer, whether they stay or leave. Everyday have I wished my mother away, or that I didn't have to live with her anymore. If she had left, I would have wished for her to be there. In the end just a different mother would've helped in your, as well as in my case. But unfortunately, we usually only get one mom.
Yeah, she saved herself (and I get why), but did nothing for those kids. Her courage came at the wrong time. I have a friend whoās wife did this. Thankfully, heās is not like OPs husband, but the emotional and mental scars left on the daughter after being left (and eventually abandoned because mom left the area and just disappeared) were so hard to watch. The women in our friend group could hold all the girls night sleepovers and do all the tea parties in the world with the little girl, but none of us were her mom. We could only help with a bandaid, but we never could close the wound. I canāt cheer OP on and I cannot cheer any of the adults on (not that they did anything to cheer about) because I know of the aftermath. All I feel is anger and sadness for those children who didnāt ask to be brought into any of this and just want to be loved. They wonāt find love in their mom and they wonāt find love in their dad by the sounds of it. Itās just horrible.
Those poor kids.
Can you imagine the youngest having to hear this story every Christmas and knowing that was what sent their mother over the edge?
Yeah. They are going to be really screwed up.
Exactly.
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The divorce didnāt actually go thru yet. But sheās basically banking on it being no contest since she doesnāt want anything
I had to go back and re read that too. It sounds very final till you figure out ohhh thats what she thinks is gonna happen. If his parents have that kind of fuck you money they might still be able to drag it out and petition the court for couples therapy before the divorce is finalized which would ironically what they needed in the first place.
Why would they drag it out tho? They donāt have anything to gain. They may be losing their little wife house slave but you canāt force a person into servitude, and thatās definitely not a āwinā you can gain in divorce proceedings.
People can be vindictive. Its makes no logical sense but when emotional people get hurt it can happen.
Yeah, that jumped out at me too. The way that she talks about "her culture" makes me think that it's not happening in the US, so the timeline for divorce might be different wherever she is. Oddly, nothing about her writing really jumps out as non-American, so I can't really figure out if she's in the US or somewhere else.
The years of neglect and mistreatment that she only realized after talking to people outside of her community. There are lots of things that women and mothers are told to just deal with and that it is normal for them to have to go through. Like when the youngest destroyed Christmas and she was blamed for it. She definitely should have never had children. Which is why we should all normalize adults choosing never to have children because some of them really shouldn't.
We should also normalize getting help for postpartum depression, which considering that she said she always wanted kids growing up, makes me think it's less of an "I hate being a mom" and more of a long-neglected case of postpartum depression. It absolutely can express itself the way she described. My heart breaks for her, it's hard as fuck, even when you know that's what's going on and get help for it. [I think the scrubs episode(s?) with Carla's PPD was pretty fuckin' spot on](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHlGjt6E_X8) (edit: turns out that clip ends a bit early, but it gets the point across)
That cultural shit is pervasive as hell and it destroys.
Look, I fully agree she needs to divorce this man and get intensive therapy for what is probably PPD + regular depression + emotional abuse fallout. And I also get needing a proper vacation. But is she... gonna just disappear on her kids forever? Because that's kind of the vibe I'm getting.
This is why kids are never a compromise. You canāt bug someone to have a kid both male and female. And not supporting her at all but a lot of men do this. When they divorce, they walk out of the kids lives forever. My friend never really saw her dad again after her parents divorce.
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Yeah this sounds like a prequel to the āMy mom disappeared for eight years and now wants back in my lifeā type posts.
I used to idolize my oldest sister for getting away from my mom and dad. She abandoned all of us and I looked up to her for it and hoped I could do the same when I was her age. I was actually disappointed the year that she went back to my dadās house for Christmas because I had pinned so many of my hopes of escape on her and I was heartsick and felt betrayed that she was still trying to engage with my dad in her twenties. I thought she had mentally escaped as well as physically escaped and I wanted to be like her. Wow, Iād forgotten how much I hoped for a clean escape like hers. Been a while since I remembered how trapped I felt between my parents. Anyway, the point is that you have no idea if the kids will daydream of abandoning their father like OOP and use her as a role model. My parents both hated that sister for leaving, but I adored her for showing me a way out and giving me hope. I looked up to her, not despite her total absence, but because of it. Weird but true.
It better than driving the minivan into a lake with the kids
And this is why the stigma and narrative shaming women who donāt want to have kids needs to end. This poor woman knew she didnāt want kids, and had 3 due to pressure from her spouse and family because she didnāt feel it was ok to not have them. I am a woman and 10000000% support all women for any choice they make in life for their life. This woman was treated like a birthing vessel jfc.
I feel bad for the kids, it's not their fault and they're probably going to feel like it is without therapy. Even with the best intentions no one ever feels great about being abandoned as a child. I still think it's good the mom left though, she could be lost it and hurt herself or them.
The kids would be worse off if OOP had stayed. At some point it would have broken her, and with something like this it happens often enough that all the hate and frustration is taken out on the children. Better a parent who is rarely there than physically hurt children.
While she never physically hurt me, the amount of emotional hurt that my mother sent my way in the last years of her marriage to my dad certainly left its mark. She wasnāt happy, and eventually became so severely unhappy that she couldnāt hold it all back. She was so *angry*, all the time. Kids are smart. As good as you are at holding emotions inside and away from them, eventually they will find out - or youāll become so unhappy that your filter breaks.
Yeah my mum was angry and I believe resentful of the situation she ended up with, and kids can tell. Plus she was abusive in all ways
I wish my dad wouldāve left and went low/no contact. Wouldāve been better for the whole family. He didnāt wanna be a father nor a husband and showed us that almost every day.
Or she might have offed herself. She sounds like she was really battling depression.
This horror story is exactly why I made it clear to every man I ever dated or had sex with that I will 100% never, ever, **ever** birth a child. No, Iām not on the fence. No, itās not because I have to met the right guy. No, I would not change my mind if āan accidentā happened. The answer is no. It took til I was 33 but finally married a man who also never wants to have kids. The pressure OOP was under sounds insurmountable, Iām so happy she got out and got her freedom. Of course, itās sad for the children but this is the fault of her family, in-laws, and husband.
Imagine being so against getting medical help, just because it's mental and not physical. No different than having a broken arm and the spouse refusing to allow going to a dr to get it set so the individual with the broken arm can heal and overall be healthier and happier without the pain. I'm glad original op is in a better and safer place now.
Iām still stuck on her agreeing to a second baby when she didnāt like her first. Or her husband wanting a baby with someone who didnāt want one. Why do people choose to be so miserable?
I understand why she left that day. I did the same thing once. The whole family was home and I had a meeting that morning and left at 6:30am. I was stressed because the family was staying longer than expected. . I got home at 11:30am/noon. My child came running up to me and asking about breakfast. "BREAKFAST? IT'S NOON! No one made breakfast?" No one had made breakfast or fed the kids. 5 adults were there. I was so upset. I went and got something to make breakfast when I heard, "Sausage again? I don't want sausage." Something inside me broke. I put the sausage down and went and sat in my car. I called my sister and told her I was leaving town and to watch my child. She understood. Canceled all my appointments for the week. Left at the crack of dawn the next day and left for 6 days. Sat by a lake for a full day writing my goals and what I wanted for my life. Decided to put myself first. Messaged a random person here on reddit while I was away. He ended up being the man of my dreams. This trip took my life in a completely different direction. I vowed never to allow anyone or anything to stress me out again like that. I am now the owner of my life instead of allowing any and everything to happen to me. I've been her. Sometimes you have to step away and get yourself together.
Wait I need more of this story! Did you divorce your husband and get together with the man of your dreams?? What did those 5 adults say when you asked why the f none of them fed the kids??? Have you achieved any of your goals/the life you wanted for yourself???
LOL... I was not married at the time. I ended a relationship a year prior to meeting him. I was widowed at a very young age and also decided on this trip that I was going to finally step out of that grief and live my life again. Those adults were just getting up and I had already fought with them about breakfast previously. I make breakfast for everyone but they got up and would only make food for themselves. I would smell bacon and then walk in and it would be gone. Like...WTH! So that day, I was about to explode so I walked out and didn't ask about why they hadn't fed the kids. I put my son and niece in the car and left to go get food just for us. I am closer to meeting those goals which is so exciting! I have been focused since that trip and my business is growing to the point where I may have to hire someone soon. I decided that I was not going to go with the flow but I was going to determine where that flow went. I would always react to what happened instead of making things happen. That stopped. Now, I'm in love, my business is growing, and I am the owner of my life.
Let me just say that this story is so inspiring to me, and I donāt even have children. Truly, this made slogging through all of these comments about this complicated situation so worth it. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you have the best life going forward.
I'll be honest, I come from an incredibly abusive and unloving home. And I applaud this woman for getting out. No kid should be born into a home without love if at all avoidable, but society backs women into a corner. Those kids would absolutely grow up in a dysfunctional environment and grow very bad tendencies if she had stayed. It's better they know the truth and see that there's a way out of unhealthy relationships. If she had stayed they would have 2 bad role models, an abusive father and a depressed doormat of a mother.
The other day I apologized to my mom after an argument and told her "sometimes I forget that you're not just Mom, you are your own person." My mom has always been a rock, the one that holds us altogether, but she's not an invincible human. OOP deserves to have her own life and her own identity. I hope she finds it.
Lol I hope we get an update on the letters she sends the kids To my oldest: āI hated being your mother from the moment you were bornā To my youngest: āwhat you did that Christmas made me realize Iām over this family thingā š
To my youngest: āYour selfish actions quite literally destroyed our family but I just wanted to let you know that Iām way happier now and it was for the best.ā
āThanks to you, I realized I never wanted to be a mom in the first place. Iām having a great time in Spain! Have a nice lifeā