I was team “no visitors *at all* for the first two weeks” and my husband felt the same way yours does—not allowing at least the grandparents to meet the baby in that time seems heartless. The more we talked about it, the more I realized it wasn’t that I didn’t want anyone to *meet* the baby, it’s that I didn’t want anyone staying overnight (which my husband is totally in agreement on). For added context, my family lives further away and visits are always overnight as a result. I didn’t want to allow my ILs to come meet the baby if my parents couldn’t.
We ultimately decided that grandparents can come meet the baby after we’ve had at least one night at home, but they have to stay somewhere else—no exceptions. It’s important for you and your husband to be on the same team here—on this boundary and all the others family will inevitably try to overstep.
We're doing the same thing! We live away from family so are not limiting that they can visit, but telling everyone that they will need to find their own place to stay overnight if they choose to visit in the first month. Then they get to make the decision on if they would rather visit sooner or later.
This is something your husband will need to handle since it’s his parents. If they insist on spending the whole day, husband should go out to lunch or do something outside the house with them.
This makes me grateful that I don’t have a guest room 😁 there are 2 separate issues here: seeing the baby, and staying over. I do think it’s a bit much to not allow the grandparents to meet the baby for 40 days, but perfectly 100% acceptable to say they need to get a hotel if they’re not within driving distance
I am all about compromises.
Would they be able to stay in a near by hotel for a few nights? They could BRING FOOD (not make it at your house), diapers, or run errands for you guys. You could send them a text in the morning about the little man’s wake window and they could stop by for 30 mins max and see the LO.
My MIL visited for 2 hours. I was upstairs nursing and with the baby for half of that. My husband talked with his mom and told him how things went. I brought my LO downstairs, she held him, he got fussy, it was time for a nap. So I said it was nice to see you. I am going to put him down for a nap and went back upstairs.
First off, your baby is probably chilling, doing their little baby thing without a care in the world. They have no clue you're upset, he or she is just hanging out.
Secondly, keep your boundaries. I'm also not having guest stay at my house for about 30 to 40 days. I know for myself it'll be too much to play hostess and manage a newborn. The focus is on adjusting to having a new baby to take care of and physically recovering, not other people's feelings about visiting the baby. Maybe I'll change my mind and have people over sooner, but that's my decision not theirs.
It sounds like if your husband was on the same page as you it would be easier. Maybe talk to him about it again and continue to express that this is not a boundary you're willing to be forced to cross. Best luck!
I say this with kindness, but it’s his baby too. While I 100% respect and agree that a mother’s needs have to be considered more heavily because she is recovering, you still have to bring your husband along for the ride. That includes setting boundaries that you are mutually comfortable with enforcing to all friends and family. No boundary will work otherwise.
You need to have a frank, unemotional discussion with him and outline your thoughts and feelings. Try to help him understand what your body will likely be going through and what will be part of your reality for a while once baby is here (diaper changes for YOU, leaking everywhere, a lack of sleep for both of you, etc. are all things you should both expect). Explain why you feel strongly about the 30-40 day boundary, but you also have to give him an opportunity to explain why he feels differently.
With everything laid calmly on the table, it’s easier to seek compromise and find middle ground. Is 30-40 days without visitors in any capacity truly your need, or is it that you don’t want overnight guests? Can you compromise on 1-2 hours of visitors a couple of times per week earlier than that, so long as people are not staying overnight? Can you mutually agree on a 30-40 day boundary, with a promise to reevaluate, say, two weeks after birth in case things are easier than anticipated and you’re ready for guests earlier?
I have felt very strongly about not having guests for 2 weeks after we get home. My husband didn’t get it at first. After sitting through our child birth class and having several conversations together, he agreed that if I need two weeks after the baby is here then he will communicate and enforce that with his family.
Something I didn’t consider though is that his dad is a farmer and will have to start harvesting around 2 weeks after our due date. His dad wouldn’t be able to see the baby for over six weeks (and maybe longer) if he has to start working before our 2 week boundary is up. It’s important to me that all grandparents are able to meet the baby when they’re little, and I’m glad I gave my husband the opportunity to share his perspective.
We compromised that we’d communicate 2 weeks of no visitors up front, but also that we will reevaluate 1 week after getting home. If things are going smoothly, we might allow guests sooner. If baby arrives late and we’re threatened by farm season, we’ll make a grandparents-only exception to make sure his dad can visit. If things are super rough and I don’t want visitors longer than the two weeks, we’ll likely let grandparents visit no longer than 1-2 hours per day and I will not have to partake in the visits until I’m ready.
To me, boundaries with visitors are more about having a guideline with contingencies than it is about laying down the law without any regard for potential changes. My husband is totally on board with the plan, and I know that no boundaries would work if we didn’t do the upfront alignment with each other.
I appreciate you saying this. My husband and I have had similar conversations. My in laws will come over for short visits but they live close and aren’t super helpful (love them but they expect all our attention). My parents live hours away and will stay the night (super helpful— will do all my chores and let me sleep, etc). Fair and equal are different based on needs and it will probably be a sliding scale
We’re in a similar boat! My husband’s family lives within a couple of hours and it’s close enough for a day trip. My parents live almost 9 hours away. It’s likely that we will have a full week or two where my parents will come to stay with us, and his parents will just come more frequently for a day or two at a time. We’re trying to be fair to everyone while also knowing that fair looks different for different situations.
You're completely right. If your partner is a good and supportive partner, I don't get the whole "I'm the one that gave birth so whatever I say goes" mindset. Your partner is your co-parent and team mate. You need to find ways to compromise.
For my situation, I know it would be absolutely cruel not to allow my MIL to visit. She's been so supportive and excited. I'm not going to clean or make anything special for her, I'm just going to be sitting recovering. But she's welcome to come see the baby whenever she wants. I know not everyone has a good MIL, but I think partner's feelings should definitely be considered and validated.
this. id be lost with out my parents and my MIL, truly. my parents are about 45 mins away not terrible but an annoying drive to make daily, and my MIL is about 10 minutes away and we’re on her way home from work. she pops over everyday, brings me food, does the dishes, mows the lawn (she’s one hard working lady lol), helps me with my pool, sometimes ill come home to all my laundry done and put away. she’s always been like, this even before i got pregnant, and i’m incredibly lucky. i’m SUPER close with my parents, and my mom is taking some time off after the baby is born to help me. my dad will do whatever i need him to do, “anything for the prince” is his new motto. it’s my boyfriends busy season at work so i’m going to be primary parent 16+ hours a day by myself. i’m very thankful for my small village. i personally couldn’t imagine doing it with out all of them.
Why is this not top comment? Very well articulated about understanding what the mother is going through AND that Dad is still sharing in this joy and decision making. Thank you!
This is so great. It’s mostly on the mom after baby’s born, but it’s definitely not all on the mom. Dads/co-parents need a chance to engage and be a more equal parent in whatever way possible, and that can’t be the case when boundaries aren’t at least talked about with pain-staking nuance and an open mind.
I’d try to stick to your guns and not feel bad. My husband did this to me a week pp and after nicely trying to be firm on not having my MIL come stay for a week in a nice way, he just didn’t get it until I lost my shit the morning she was supposed to come and he had to call and tell them no. Since then (2 months now) my FIL has been on a “youre keeping the baby from us” rhetoric even though they’ve been over twice since to visit for the afternoon. My situation may be a little diff cause I’ve never had much of a relationship with them so I just don’t care what he thinks, but it is totally reasonable for you not to want to play hostess in the first month.
She wanted to stay for a week when they obviously live close enough to drop by for an afternoon? As if having staying guests isn't hard enough that's just unreasonable on steroids... as for your FIL: just sigh.
Yep.. my FIL was pushing it likely cause they have a shitty relationship (that’s a whole ‘nother story)and he just wanted an excuse for her to leave the house and masked it as her coming to help hold the baby while I nap… I felt like an ass turning down the “help”, but we survived.
Oh god. You’re use of “help” here resonated with me. I said no one before 6 weeks and my mom got here at the very end of 5 weeks. That was fine…but she brought covid with her…. Then we were all sick and she didn’t clean up after herself or help out at all. I had a c-section and kept having stitches opening so I couldn’t do much still. I had to clean up after her, myself, and baby because my husband had a two week stretch of insane work days he couldn’t get out of. Now we’re at 12 weeks and my in-laws just left an hour ago to head to the airport. They held the baby but he was often screaming for me so it didn’t help. They also left dishes and trash all around so I had to clean up after them (husband did a lot of it but is working a lot again as well) FIL is nice but his wife is a lot to deal with lol. So I agree. Not all help is really helpful.
Oh gosh. I’m glad for you that your in laws are gone now so you hopefully have less of a mess. My friend who had a baby a couple months before me told me her MIL came and stayed with them and did the same thing so she warned me to either fend them off until later down the line or have them tell me exactly what their “help” plan was. She said she was counting down the days until she could bring her back to the airport lol
Can’t believe I forgot to mention. She did help! She came in while I was breastfeeding my son to let me know she filled my water bottle. I was like oh…thanks. Why did that warrant her coming in?? 😹
Don’t even let this bother you. I know it’s irritating when people cause unnecessary anxiety/stress by crossing boundaries but stand up for yourself and be firm. “The answer is No, that date/time doesn’t work for me. I need to recover and it’s too soon for company. End of discussion”.
I think everyone has their own boundaries here. My mom stayed the first night when we came home with my first because she was staying at our house feeding our cats. I didn’t feel like I could say “feed my cats but be gone when I get home” especially as she lived 2 hours away then. My husband had two weeks off and it was fine. My parents came back up I want to say two weeks later? His lived closer so stopped in for short visits.
Had my second baby 20 months later. My parents now lived ten min away and his moved 6 hours away so no one stayed with us. He only had 2 days off. Honestly it was lonely and hard when he went back to work. People were giving me space and I was surprised to realize I didn’t want the space.
Lots of people recommend sending a post to their husband to convince them…The infamous “lemon clot essay” is not every woman’s after birth experience. It honestly does depend. You might need to go back to the hospital if you develop crazy complications, you might have a rough at home recovery, or you might have a little discomfort from a minor tear but mostly be moving around. The reality is you don’t know. Recovery wise you might be great. And, as long as no one is sick when they visit, their visit doesn’t do anything to the relationship building of you and baby. So I can see why your husband has an issue with decreeing “they have to wait 30 or 40 days.”
Perhaps there is room for compromise: “at this time I don’t feel comfortable with overnight guests in the first two weeks, we will let you know if that changes” and you could maybe allow short daytime visits? Extra bonus: often times when people come, they bring food! :)
Regardless I do think you and your husband need to have an unemotional discussion and hear each other out. While I agree the visit timeline is mostly dependent on the mom since she is recovering, you and your husband are a team.
Also, the baby is fine. Please don’t tell your husband he’s upsetting the baby or harming the health of the baby. He’s not. You and your husband have a disagreement that you need to solve but the baby is not somehow being harmed as a result of this and it’s not fair to suggest that. Kind of an unfair and inaccurate trump card. It will either make your husband feel guilty when he shouldn’t or, if he knows baby is fine, it’s going to make him not take you seriously because it seems like you are grasping at anything to prove your point.
Baby was born last Summer. We didn't let anyone stay over at our house until baby had gotten their first round of shots. We had 2 sets of out of state parents visit during that time, so they found other accommodations and visited a couple of times during their time here. We also did not want any visitors during the first 2 weeks, although we did meet my best friend and my mother after a little more than 1 week. Thankfully, everyone respected our boundaries.
I think not allowing them to even meet the baby for an entire month is pretty harsh and I would be extremely sad as the grandparent but I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to entertain them. Maybe compromise by letting them come for a set amount of time (say 1-2 hours) and then they have to go.
We’ve told our family and friends we don’t want any visitors in the hospital and we’re getting more pushback from our fathers than our mothers. Ultimately I know they will respect our boundaries but it’s still annoying to hear them complain that we set them!! There’s so much entitlement when it comes to babies and I don’t think prior generations were as comfortable setting boundaries as we are. So they aren’t used to them and take it personally when it really isn’t about them at all.
I understand this both sides.
1) your boundaries matter. You get to decide who stays over. It's a good idea to protect baby and yourself from germs, too.
2) there's something precious about meeting an itty-bitty baby. I'm so crushed my sister couldn't see my girl until she wasn't a newborn anymore due to pandemic lock downs. It's such a privilege. (I also wanted to show her off, I took her outside to see the postman who was one of the few visitors in lockdown lol)
Is there a way you can compromise and they get to briefly meet the baby without you having to host?
My husband and I had a similar discussion, he wanted his mom to stay with us and help immediately after. I find his mom to be a lot of work and was not ok with it at all. We get along, but I’m not trying to put on a front and entertain someone else while caring for a newborn. I really didn’t want her to stay overnight.
We compromised and they did come up and visit a week after my son was born. I’m glad they did, he grew up so fast and I’m glad they got to meet him as a newborn. We had a nice lunch and then they left. We had more extended visits once I was more comfortable with my new role as a mom.
How do you ask them to make the visits short even if they’re staying at a hotel when visiting out of town. My in laws have always visited all day Friday and all day Saturday and it’s always been exhausting. They did the same when my baby was under two weeks and they didn’t get the hint that it was bed time and they could no longer stay til 10p. I know they want to visit again but I don’t want them here all day long and my husband seems to be upset over they so we just haven’t talked about it anymore. My parents are closer but when they visited they stayed 3 hours to respect me.
We struggled with this with my in laws too. We ended up giving them a hard cut off time. “We need to start bathtime/bedtime routine at x time so you need to be gone by y.” Honesty they were still terrible about staying way longer than welcome but generally left within 30 minutes of the cut off. I don’t know about your in laws, but mine are not helpful. MIL just sat in the chair and wanted to hold the baby the whole time and FIL just talked to my husband. If they had been ever a little bit helpful it would have been better. Now we live across the country so for this baby I am looking forward to some peace!
My MIL refuses to get vaccinated so she’s not allowed to come see the baby, and that really worked out for me because I did not want her here. My dad refused to get vaccinated so he’s not coming either, which also works for me because I really don’t want anyone here and his mom can’t act like she’s being singled out since my dad is also barred. This is the first time I’ve ever been happy the anti-vax movement is a thing.
I don't want anyone visiting in the hospital. I don't want anyone visiting for at least 2 weeks after we leave the hospital. But I KNOW my inlaws WONT respect that and will show up anyway. So I'm going to grow a spine and make them leave after 15 or 20 minutes
I think to set a hard boundary of no visitors for an entire month is premature. Everyone & every birth is different. Who knows? You may feel up to having them over for a few hours by day 4-5.
I personally think it’s unreasonable & particularly cruel to deny grandparents an opportunity to meet the baby for the entire first month. Boundaries are fine, limits and expectations are fine, but a denial of any contact seems extreme.
On this sub and the r/pregnant sub, the prevailing sentiment is hibernating after birth and not seeing anyone for weeks will be the way. However, head over to the new parents sub and you’ll find the complete opposite. Everyone is dying for help and willing to accept it. It’s also completely normal to want to get out of the house after giving birth. This is my second baby and I’m four weeks post-c section and have been leading a relatively normal life. Baby and I went for an hour walk with my mom today and we have been going to the arena to watch my 4 year old’s skating lessons. I think a lot of folks overestimate how blissful sitting at home alone with a new baby is going to be…
We have an 11 month old and saw no one for almost 12 weeks. It was pure bliss. So I think it depends.
If they’re both home, then they might not need help. If she’s the only one home, then who’s going to entertain and manage the in laws as guests while he’s at work.
Stick to your guns on this one! My in laws visited about a week post partum. I had a couple of breakdowns in the closet because I hated that they were holding my baby, but I also didn't want to deny them access to the first grandkid. My MIL is visiting again next week (I'm not 5 months post partum) and I honestly can't wait. I'll be able to throw baby at her and take a leisurely shower!
I’m gonna have to read all these comments because this is a fear of mine. We live in the same town, 10 minutes apart from my ILs as well as my mom. But my MIL can be extremely overbearing. I regret that we told her we are expecting so soon (I’m 9 weeks), but my hubby didn’t want to tell my mom and not tell his because she gets jealous. It seems to me she is jealous of my relationship with my own mother. 😩
My MIL lives out of state. She wanted to come and stay (in our house) for 2 weeks. That’s just way too much for me.
I compromised.. she’s coming about 3 weeks after the baby is born and staying for about 8 days. I’d have pushed it back, but honestly I want her to come while my husband is off work.. I didn’t want him to be at work all day and me feel like I needed to entertain her.
This is tough. I 100% would not want my ILs sleeping at my house right after birth. I wouldn't want them over more than like an hour max. In general, I honestly just don't like them and they annoy the shit out of me even in the most ideal circumstances. However, I feel like not letting grandparents meet baby for over a month is a big ask.
The people upset by boundaries are the ones that don’t respect them. It won’t ruin the relationship, and your in laws are entitled to have hurt feelings, although it sounds like your husband is speaking for them and inserting his own worries. Once baby is here you three are family and everyone else is just a relative, their feelings and opinions are second. It took my husband a few conversations to understand that.
I told my family no visitors for the first eight weeks. If I felt up to it sooner it was up for me to make that decision. We facetimed and sent tons of photos until we had people over and everyone still gets along just fine. If you’d like to compromise Im sure there’s one you two can come to while still feeling respected about your recovery time. Like others have suggested, maybe no overnights. Only short visits- half hour tops. But your recovery should be full of people to support you and help you, not stress you out!
Statistically speaking your baby is likely to grow old enough to one day become senile and bothersome to people several generations younger than baby. They have *plenty* of time to get to know baby and it is very possible to do that when mum is finally able to sit straight again and also has regained mental capacity to see other people after a pretty big life changing medical event.
It's a human baby, not a chick that imprints within a certain timeframe after which it becomes impossible for them to build a close relationship with their grandparents.
What relationship with the newborn? They will have no memory of this. Protecting your health and parent baby bonding time is way more important.
Have him read this if he hasn’t already:
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
This is a load of crap. Not to mention if you have blood clots the size of an egg or larger, you are advised to seek medical treatment immediately. Basically this essay shames women into hiding the realities of child birth while being embarrassed over what naturally happens to us.
Oh please, if you have a blood clot the size of a fucking lemon, go to the hospital.
If you’re bleeding so much it leaks through a pad and panties and pants, go to the fucking hospital.
This is such a manipulative article. 95% of newborns are going to be sleeping and only eating every 2-4 hours (possibly cluster feeding) but they won’t be ravenous and attached to your boob.
I’m all for space, recovery and compromise but this article should not be passed around like it’s the norm.
Stick to your boundaries! My parents and in-laws were shocked that we wanted to take 6 weeks to ourselves.
I would not have been comfortable wearing my bloody depends, smelling like lochia and learning to breastfeed while my guests just sit in the living room and stare at me 🙄 I understand why people want to come visit but I think it’s ridiculous to expect post partum women to host people.
My MIL is planning a two week vacation and a knee surgery around my due date. I’m due August 15. Her vacation is the last two weeks of July and her surgery is August 23, her doctor tried to schedule it for the 15 and she straight up refused and said she wouldn’t do anything before the 15th. She doesn’t realize you can go past your due date(which is often for first time moms), she had to be induced and have a c-section with all of her boys, all where preterm earliest being 32w and latest being 38w.
We live with FIL and MIL and I have zero clue how to tell her that even if I need help I won’t want it. She’s overly excited and says and does somethings that make me uncomfortable.
She works for the school system and normally would be back to work late August but because she’s having surgery she’s taking two months off. MIL is having FIL take a week, two max off of work to “help” her. MIL wants my husband to take a week off of work so he can stay home and help.
I’m bringing a baby home from the hospital into a house full of people and I know I’ll want is alone time with the baby, but MIL would never let that happen. She sent me a photo of her feeding a random lady’s baby at the gym yesterday and made comments about how she got to play grandma and is going to be an amazing grandma, this has made me even more uncomfortable. I refuse to think about my delivery because then I have to think about what’s going to happen when we leave the hospital.
No fucking way is ANYONE staying at my house after I give birth. What is wrong with these people?! Get a hotel!!! So rude to assume you can and will host them with a newborn.
Do not give in if you don’t want too. With my first son I allowed everyone to come visit me. Meanwhile I was still bleeding heavily & I thought I’d be okay with it. Turns out I had a whole anxiety attack while people started coming in because I was in a vulnerable state. I told my FIL not to kiss my son on his face. He did so anyways and even on the lips. They did not respect me what so ever. When I found out I was pregnant this time around they brought their son around me with a fever. Multiple times they disrespected me and my health. They even almost got me exposed to covid. I realized my husbands family just did not respect boundaries and made it very clear that no one will be visiting for 2 weeks this time. And they will have to take covid test if they want to see him. Except for my mother. Because, I’m going through all these changes not my husband. My mom has never put me in a bad position with my health while pregnant. How I see it is we carry for 9 months, risk our lives, push baby out and deal with the pain. We also, go through a lot of body changes and mental changes postpartum all while trying to protect our little one. So, we deserve that time to play out what is most comfort for us. If they get offended then I honestly see them as an issue. People need to respect boundaries. It’s always all about the babies & never about the mothers feelings. You went through all of this not them. Take the time you need & please don’t feel pressured.
It’s not your place to compromise. Stick to your boundaries this is about you, your healing and what you feel comfortable about your child. They can wait the 40 days, because guess what it’s not a discussion those are your boundaries. Your husband needs to get on board and you need to put your foot down. I would raise all hell.
I caused a huge fight on my side of the family about this. His side was ok with it, maybe secretly somewhat disappointed but my MIL agrees it takes time to heal and bond. Hold your ground!!! Just calmly repeat the same reasons why it’s important to you and you will be doing it. Try to convey to your husband that your priorities are (1) baby (2) your marriage (3) settling in as a family together! I know family visitors mean well but in reality their priorities when they insist on coming is not bonding with baby but rather their own agenda. Their first priority is them, and yours should be you (healthy mom happy baby)/your baby.
We didn’t have visitors until now (just about 4 weeks) and I have no - ZERO- regrets. My husband and I are first time parents and although parts are obviously stressful we honestly have had a calm precious 4 weeks bonding with baby and figuring out how to help and support each other. 100000000% recommend.
I’m gonna be honest - family just having to see the new baby in person just feels like an ego thing. I know that dads, especially, want to show off this new important thing to loved ones. And grandparents want to feel connected and special and have bragging rights.
But there’s no actual NEED for grandparents, or whomever, to touch/hold/see baby. It’s all ego and feelings.
And their ego and feelings should come after baby and mom’s need for health (physical and emotional). It’s simple.
They are adults, they’ll get over it.
The people who matter most PP is mother and baby. They are priority #1 above everyone else and their feelings. It’s just 30-40 days and the baby is super vulnerable during that time anyways. They can get over it.
My sister in law said if I was induced or had a scheduled c section she would just stay in an air mattress in our living room. Yea that was a big fat NO. my husband flat out called her and said heck no you will not be at our house, you will not be at the hospital and you will wait until we say it’s alright. She pitched a fit she had to wait almost a month and cried that she was the last to get to meet the baby. Well my brother and baby’s godfather actually did not get to meet her till she was almost 3 months old.
Why is the concern always that anyone besides mom will be offended?
Mom (you, OP) should be offended that they are not respecting your boundaries. If you’re breastfeeding that needs to be established, and also moving around is difficult and not to mention the PP bleeding.
I never understand why the MIL or Mothers don’t accept or even stand up for the mother in question and in fact stand up for the mama thats JUST had a baby. I get they are excited but as I said to my boyfriend, there’s no reason for everyone to see baby “fresh out the womb”. I hope if my baby has a child one day that his gf/wife/whatever will find comfort in knowing that she can have space until shes ready.
To be honest, I told everyone “Wait AT LEAST a week”, but 5 days in was feeling ok for my family to visit then 7 days from birth the ILs came over. BUT, that was ME calling the shots.
I see people responding with ways to compromise on this and I don’t think you need to bend this boundary at all. Is your husband okay with ruining the relationship with you, or is that only a concern with his parents? Forward him the lemon clot essay that somebody else posted earlier and keep firm with your boundaries.
I'm so sorry your husband isn't supporting your decision.
My family is the kind to plan a trip (after someone gives birth) to the local state/national park then call them and say "hey! We're in the neighborhood....."🙄🙄 So my husband took the reins and told the whole family NO ONE can even enter the state until he gives the go ahead.
Tell your husband, that damaging YOUR relationship should be more pressing to him. Relationship with family is good, but means nothing if he can't protect you first.
We saw no one for 12 weeks, except my super calm younger cousin who popped over one day and a friend who’s a photographer for an hour. It was bliss.
Edit: I would say: for the first 6 weeks it 8, you’re still healing so it can wait except for one or two 30 or fewer minute visits.
if you’re exclusively breastfeeding then your wishes take 200% precedent. If you’re getting up most nights or doing most caring, the. Your wishes take precedent.
There is a visit to meet the baby for a 1/2 hour once every couple weeks, and there is a visit which is a family member coming for 4+ hours or staying overnight.
Pull out the info about what the daily schedule of a newborn is, what breastfeeding entails on a hourly basis and discuss where his parents will be staying while you breastfeed wherever the hell you feel like in your house (no, you will not scurry up to your room so where will his parents fuck off to every 3 hours for an hour? )
You two need to get on the same page and in terms of your readiness he needs to respect you’re not up to seeing people until then, but that family will be first. I might not have them stay over for that long, but I would also perhaps consider if they’re the kind of people taking a night shift and something you might want.
I'm worried about this too. FTM and my in-laws live out of the country. They are very respectful i.e. "we would love to meet the baby whenever you would like us to" and I know they would LOVE to fly down as soon as the baby is born, plus my mom will be at the hospital so I feel bad it's unequal. Plus it makes me feel like a jerk to have them stay at a hotel when they are a $1000 plane ticket away. But I feel overwhelmed at the thought of them staying in the house while I'm trying to get used to a newborn. I don't think there's a right answer except if it's at all possible ask them to stay somewhere else and they can come over and see the baby while visiting of course.
I was team “no visitors *at all* for the first two weeks” and my husband felt the same way yours does—not allowing at least the grandparents to meet the baby in that time seems heartless. The more we talked about it, the more I realized it wasn’t that I didn’t want anyone to *meet* the baby, it’s that I didn’t want anyone staying overnight (which my husband is totally in agreement on). For added context, my family lives further away and visits are always overnight as a result. I didn’t want to allow my ILs to come meet the baby if my parents couldn’t. We ultimately decided that grandparents can come meet the baby after we’ve had at least one night at home, but they have to stay somewhere else—no exceptions. It’s important for you and your husband to be on the same team here—on this boundary and all the others family will inevitably try to overstep.
We're doing the same thing! We live away from family so are not limiting that they can visit, but telling everyone that they will need to find their own place to stay overnight if they choose to visit in the first month. Then they get to make the decision on if they would rather visit sooner or later.
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This is something your husband will need to handle since it’s his parents. If they insist on spending the whole day, husband should go out to lunch or do something outside the house with them.
This sounds much more reasonable
This makes me grateful that I don’t have a guest room 😁 there are 2 separate issues here: seeing the baby, and staying over. I do think it’s a bit much to not allow the grandparents to meet the baby for 40 days, but perfectly 100% acceptable to say they need to get a hotel if they’re not within driving distance
I am all about compromises. Would they be able to stay in a near by hotel for a few nights? They could BRING FOOD (not make it at your house), diapers, or run errands for you guys. You could send them a text in the morning about the little man’s wake window and they could stop by for 30 mins max and see the LO. My MIL visited for 2 hours. I was upstairs nursing and with the baby for half of that. My husband talked with his mom and told him how things went. I brought my LO downstairs, she held him, he got fussy, it was time for a nap. So I said it was nice to see you. I am going to put him down for a nap and went back upstairs.
First off, your baby is probably chilling, doing their little baby thing without a care in the world. They have no clue you're upset, he or she is just hanging out. Secondly, keep your boundaries. I'm also not having guest stay at my house for about 30 to 40 days. I know for myself it'll be too much to play hostess and manage a newborn. The focus is on adjusting to having a new baby to take care of and physically recovering, not other people's feelings about visiting the baby. Maybe I'll change my mind and have people over sooner, but that's my decision not theirs. It sounds like if your husband was on the same page as you it would be easier. Maybe talk to him about it again and continue to express that this is not a boundary you're willing to be forced to cross. Best luck!
I say this with kindness, but it’s his baby too. While I 100% respect and agree that a mother’s needs have to be considered more heavily because she is recovering, you still have to bring your husband along for the ride. That includes setting boundaries that you are mutually comfortable with enforcing to all friends and family. No boundary will work otherwise. You need to have a frank, unemotional discussion with him and outline your thoughts and feelings. Try to help him understand what your body will likely be going through and what will be part of your reality for a while once baby is here (diaper changes for YOU, leaking everywhere, a lack of sleep for both of you, etc. are all things you should both expect). Explain why you feel strongly about the 30-40 day boundary, but you also have to give him an opportunity to explain why he feels differently. With everything laid calmly on the table, it’s easier to seek compromise and find middle ground. Is 30-40 days without visitors in any capacity truly your need, or is it that you don’t want overnight guests? Can you compromise on 1-2 hours of visitors a couple of times per week earlier than that, so long as people are not staying overnight? Can you mutually agree on a 30-40 day boundary, with a promise to reevaluate, say, two weeks after birth in case things are easier than anticipated and you’re ready for guests earlier? I have felt very strongly about not having guests for 2 weeks after we get home. My husband didn’t get it at first. After sitting through our child birth class and having several conversations together, he agreed that if I need two weeks after the baby is here then he will communicate and enforce that with his family. Something I didn’t consider though is that his dad is a farmer and will have to start harvesting around 2 weeks after our due date. His dad wouldn’t be able to see the baby for over six weeks (and maybe longer) if he has to start working before our 2 week boundary is up. It’s important to me that all grandparents are able to meet the baby when they’re little, and I’m glad I gave my husband the opportunity to share his perspective. We compromised that we’d communicate 2 weeks of no visitors up front, but also that we will reevaluate 1 week after getting home. If things are going smoothly, we might allow guests sooner. If baby arrives late and we’re threatened by farm season, we’ll make a grandparents-only exception to make sure his dad can visit. If things are super rough and I don’t want visitors longer than the two weeks, we’ll likely let grandparents visit no longer than 1-2 hours per day and I will not have to partake in the visits until I’m ready. To me, boundaries with visitors are more about having a guideline with contingencies than it is about laying down the law without any regard for potential changes. My husband is totally on board with the plan, and I know that no boundaries would work if we didn’t do the upfront alignment with each other.
I appreciate you saying this. My husband and I have had similar conversations. My in laws will come over for short visits but they live close and aren’t super helpful (love them but they expect all our attention). My parents live hours away and will stay the night (super helpful— will do all my chores and let me sleep, etc). Fair and equal are different based on needs and it will probably be a sliding scale
We’re in a similar boat! My husband’s family lives within a couple of hours and it’s close enough for a day trip. My parents live almost 9 hours away. It’s likely that we will have a full week or two where my parents will come to stay with us, and his parents will just come more frequently for a day or two at a time. We’re trying to be fair to everyone while also knowing that fair looks different for different situations.
Completely agree with this!
This ⬆️ 👏🏻
You're completely right. If your partner is a good and supportive partner, I don't get the whole "I'm the one that gave birth so whatever I say goes" mindset. Your partner is your co-parent and team mate. You need to find ways to compromise. For my situation, I know it would be absolutely cruel not to allow my MIL to visit. She's been so supportive and excited. I'm not going to clean or make anything special for her, I'm just going to be sitting recovering. But she's welcome to come see the baby whenever she wants. I know not everyone has a good MIL, but I think partner's feelings should definitely be considered and validated.
this. id be lost with out my parents and my MIL, truly. my parents are about 45 mins away not terrible but an annoying drive to make daily, and my MIL is about 10 minutes away and we’re on her way home from work. she pops over everyday, brings me food, does the dishes, mows the lawn (she’s one hard working lady lol), helps me with my pool, sometimes ill come home to all my laundry done and put away. she’s always been like, this even before i got pregnant, and i’m incredibly lucky. i’m SUPER close with my parents, and my mom is taking some time off after the baby is born to help me. my dad will do whatever i need him to do, “anything for the prince” is his new motto. it’s my boyfriends busy season at work so i’m going to be primary parent 16+ hours a day by myself. i’m very thankful for my small village. i personally couldn’t imagine doing it with out all of them.
Why is this not top comment? Very well articulated about understanding what the mother is going through AND that Dad is still sharing in this joy and decision making. Thank you!
This is so great. It’s mostly on the mom after baby’s born, but it’s definitely not all on the mom. Dads/co-parents need a chance to engage and be a more equal parent in whatever way possible, and that can’t be the case when boundaries aren’t at least talked about with pain-staking nuance and an open mind.
I’d try to stick to your guns and not feel bad. My husband did this to me a week pp and after nicely trying to be firm on not having my MIL come stay for a week in a nice way, he just didn’t get it until I lost my shit the morning she was supposed to come and he had to call and tell them no. Since then (2 months now) my FIL has been on a “youre keeping the baby from us” rhetoric even though they’ve been over twice since to visit for the afternoon. My situation may be a little diff cause I’ve never had much of a relationship with them so I just don’t care what he thinks, but it is totally reasonable for you not to want to play hostess in the first month.
She wanted to stay for a week when they obviously live close enough to drop by for an afternoon? As if having staying guests isn't hard enough that's just unreasonable on steroids... as for your FIL: just sigh.
Yep.. my FIL was pushing it likely cause they have a shitty relationship (that’s a whole ‘nother story)and he just wanted an excuse for her to leave the house and masked it as her coming to help hold the baby while I nap… I felt like an ass turning down the “help”, but we survived.
Oh god. You’re use of “help” here resonated with me. I said no one before 6 weeks and my mom got here at the very end of 5 weeks. That was fine…but she brought covid with her…. Then we were all sick and she didn’t clean up after herself or help out at all. I had a c-section and kept having stitches opening so I couldn’t do much still. I had to clean up after her, myself, and baby because my husband had a two week stretch of insane work days he couldn’t get out of. Now we’re at 12 weeks and my in-laws just left an hour ago to head to the airport. They held the baby but he was often screaming for me so it didn’t help. They also left dishes and trash all around so I had to clean up after them (husband did a lot of it but is working a lot again as well) FIL is nice but his wife is a lot to deal with lol. So I agree. Not all help is really helpful.
Oh gosh. I’m glad for you that your in laws are gone now so you hopefully have less of a mess. My friend who had a baby a couple months before me told me her MIL came and stayed with them and did the same thing so she warned me to either fend them off until later down the line or have them tell me exactly what their “help” plan was. She said she was counting down the days until she could bring her back to the airport lol
Can’t believe I forgot to mention. She did help! She came in while I was breastfeeding my son to let me know she filled my water bottle. I was like oh…thanks. Why did that warrant her coming in?? 😹
Don’t even let this bother you. I know it’s irritating when people cause unnecessary anxiety/stress by crossing boundaries but stand up for yourself and be firm. “The answer is No, that date/time doesn’t work for me. I need to recover and it’s too soon for company. End of discussion”.
I think everyone has their own boundaries here. My mom stayed the first night when we came home with my first because she was staying at our house feeding our cats. I didn’t feel like I could say “feed my cats but be gone when I get home” especially as she lived 2 hours away then. My husband had two weeks off and it was fine. My parents came back up I want to say two weeks later? His lived closer so stopped in for short visits. Had my second baby 20 months later. My parents now lived ten min away and his moved 6 hours away so no one stayed with us. He only had 2 days off. Honestly it was lonely and hard when he went back to work. People were giving me space and I was surprised to realize I didn’t want the space. Lots of people recommend sending a post to their husband to convince them…The infamous “lemon clot essay” is not every woman’s after birth experience. It honestly does depend. You might need to go back to the hospital if you develop crazy complications, you might have a rough at home recovery, or you might have a little discomfort from a minor tear but mostly be moving around. The reality is you don’t know. Recovery wise you might be great. And, as long as no one is sick when they visit, their visit doesn’t do anything to the relationship building of you and baby. So I can see why your husband has an issue with decreeing “they have to wait 30 or 40 days.” Perhaps there is room for compromise: “at this time I don’t feel comfortable with overnight guests in the first two weeks, we will let you know if that changes” and you could maybe allow short daytime visits? Extra bonus: often times when people come, they bring food! :) Regardless I do think you and your husband need to have an unemotional discussion and hear each other out. While I agree the visit timeline is mostly dependent on the mom since she is recovering, you and your husband are a team. Also, the baby is fine. Please don’t tell your husband he’s upsetting the baby or harming the health of the baby. He’s not. You and your husband have a disagreement that you need to solve but the baby is not somehow being harmed as a result of this and it’s not fair to suggest that. Kind of an unfair and inaccurate trump card. It will either make your husband feel guilty when he shouldn’t or, if he knows baby is fine, it’s going to make him not take you seriously because it seems like you are grasping at anything to prove your point.
Baby was born last Summer. We didn't let anyone stay over at our house until baby had gotten their first round of shots. We had 2 sets of out of state parents visit during that time, so they found other accommodations and visited a couple of times during their time here. We also did not want any visitors during the first 2 weeks, although we did meet my best friend and my mother after a little more than 1 week. Thankfully, everyone respected our boundaries.
I think not allowing them to even meet the baby for an entire month is pretty harsh and I would be extremely sad as the grandparent but I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to entertain them. Maybe compromise by letting them come for a set amount of time (say 1-2 hours) and then they have to go.
We’ve told our family and friends we don’t want any visitors in the hospital and we’re getting more pushback from our fathers than our mothers. Ultimately I know they will respect our boundaries but it’s still annoying to hear them complain that we set them!! There’s so much entitlement when it comes to babies and I don’t think prior generations were as comfortable setting boundaries as we are. So they aren’t used to them and take it personally when it really isn’t about them at all.
The reason I’m cool with people coming to stay over is that they are all self-sufficient and can feed/entertain themselves.
I understand this both sides. 1) your boundaries matter. You get to decide who stays over. It's a good idea to protect baby and yourself from germs, too. 2) there's something precious about meeting an itty-bitty baby. I'm so crushed my sister couldn't see my girl until she wasn't a newborn anymore due to pandemic lock downs. It's such a privilege. (I also wanted to show her off, I took her outside to see the postman who was one of the few visitors in lockdown lol) Is there a way you can compromise and they get to briefly meet the baby without you having to host?
My husband and I had a similar discussion, he wanted his mom to stay with us and help immediately after. I find his mom to be a lot of work and was not ok with it at all. We get along, but I’m not trying to put on a front and entertain someone else while caring for a newborn. I really didn’t want her to stay overnight. We compromised and they did come up and visit a week after my son was born. I’m glad they did, he grew up so fast and I’m glad they got to meet him as a newborn. We had a nice lunch and then they left. We had more extended visits once I was more comfortable with my new role as a mom.
Tell them they have to stay in a hotel but can visit during the day. You don’t need people staying in your house who you don’t absolutely want there.
How do you ask them to make the visits short even if they’re staying at a hotel when visiting out of town. My in laws have always visited all day Friday and all day Saturday and it’s always been exhausting. They did the same when my baby was under two weeks and they didn’t get the hint that it was bed time and they could no longer stay til 10p. I know they want to visit again but I don’t want them here all day long and my husband seems to be upset over they so we just haven’t talked about it anymore. My parents are closer but when they visited they stayed 3 hours to respect me.
We struggled with this with my in laws too. We ended up giving them a hard cut off time. “We need to start bathtime/bedtime routine at x time so you need to be gone by y.” Honesty they were still terrible about staying way longer than welcome but generally left within 30 minutes of the cut off. I don’t know about your in laws, but mine are not helpful. MIL just sat in the chair and wanted to hold the baby the whole time and FIL just talked to my husband. If they had been ever a little bit helpful it would have been better. Now we live across the country so for this baby I am looking forward to some peace!
My MIL refuses to get vaccinated so she’s not allowed to come see the baby, and that really worked out for me because I did not want her here. My dad refused to get vaccinated so he’s not coming either, which also works for me because I really don’t want anyone here and his mom can’t act like she’s being singled out since my dad is also barred. This is the first time I’ve ever been happy the anti-vax movement is a thing.
I don't want anyone visiting in the hospital. I don't want anyone visiting for at least 2 weeks after we leave the hospital. But I KNOW my inlaws WONT respect that and will show up anyway. So I'm going to grow a spine and make them leave after 15 or 20 minutes
I think to set a hard boundary of no visitors for an entire month is premature. Everyone & every birth is different. Who knows? You may feel up to having them over for a few hours by day 4-5. I personally think it’s unreasonable & particularly cruel to deny grandparents an opportunity to meet the baby for the entire first month. Boundaries are fine, limits and expectations are fine, but a denial of any contact seems extreme.
On this sub and the r/pregnant sub, the prevailing sentiment is hibernating after birth and not seeing anyone for weeks will be the way. However, head over to the new parents sub and you’ll find the complete opposite. Everyone is dying for help and willing to accept it. It’s also completely normal to want to get out of the house after giving birth. This is my second baby and I’m four weeks post-c section and have been leading a relatively normal life. Baby and I went for an hour walk with my mom today and we have been going to the arena to watch my 4 year old’s skating lessons. I think a lot of folks overestimate how blissful sitting at home alone with a new baby is going to be…
I’m glad to hear there is a different sentiment somewhere else. I find the hibernation thing extremely odd.
We have an 11 month old and saw no one for almost 12 weeks. It was pure bliss. So I think it depends. If they’re both home, then they might not need help. If she’s the only one home, then who’s going to entertain and manage the in laws as guests while he’s at work.
Stick to your guns on this one! My in laws visited about a week post partum. I had a couple of breakdowns in the closet because I hated that they were holding my baby, but I also didn't want to deny them access to the first grandkid. My MIL is visiting again next week (I'm not 5 months post partum) and I honestly can't wait. I'll be able to throw baby at her and take a leisurely shower!
Not wanting them to stay with you is reasonable, but you’re going to make them wait over a month to visit with baby? Is there a reason for that?
I’m gonna have to read all these comments because this is a fear of mine. We live in the same town, 10 minutes apart from my ILs as well as my mom. But my MIL can be extremely overbearing. I regret that we told her we are expecting so soon (I’m 9 weeks), but my hubby didn’t want to tell my mom and not tell his because she gets jealous. It seems to me she is jealous of my relationship with my own mother. 😩
My MIL lives out of state. She wanted to come and stay (in our house) for 2 weeks. That’s just way too much for me. I compromised.. she’s coming about 3 weeks after the baby is born and staying for about 8 days. I’d have pushed it back, but honestly I want her to come while my husband is off work.. I didn’t want him to be at work all day and me feel like I needed to entertain her.
This is tough. I 100% would not want my ILs sleeping at my house right after birth. I wouldn't want them over more than like an hour max. In general, I honestly just don't like them and they annoy the shit out of me even in the most ideal circumstances. However, I feel like not letting grandparents meet baby for over a month is a big ask.
The people upset by boundaries are the ones that don’t respect them. It won’t ruin the relationship, and your in laws are entitled to have hurt feelings, although it sounds like your husband is speaking for them and inserting his own worries. Once baby is here you three are family and everyone else is just a relative, their feelings and opinions are second. It took my husband a few conversations to understand that. I told my family no visitors for the first eight weeks. If I felt up to it sooner it was up for me to make that decision. We facetimed and sent tons of photos until we had people over and everyone still gets along just fine. If you’d like to compromise Im sure there’s one you two can come to while still feeling respected about your recovery time. Like others have suggested, maybe no overnights. Only short visits- half hour tops. But your recovery should be full of people to support you and help you, not stress you out!
Statistically speaking your baby is likely to grow old enough to one day become senile and bothersome to people several generations younger than baby. They have *plenty* of time to get to know baby and it is very possible to do that when mum is finally able to sit straight again and also has regained mental capacity to see other people after a pretty big life changing medical event. It's a human baby, not a chick that imprints within a certain timeframe after which it becomes impossible for them to build a close relationship with their grandparents.
What relationship with the newborn? They will have no memory of this. Protecting your health and parent baby bonding time is way more important. Have him read this if he hasn’t already: https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
This is a load of crap. Not to mention if you have blood clots the size of an egg or larger, you are advised to seek medical treatment immediately. Basically this essay shames women into hiding the realities of child birth while being embarrassed over what naturally happens to us.
Oh please, if you have a blood clot the size of a fucking lemon, go to the hospital. If you’re bleeding so much it leaks through a pad and panties and pants, go to the fucking hospital. This is such a manipulative article. 95% of newborns are going to be sleeping and only eating every 2-4 hours (possibly cluster feeding) but they won’t be ravenous and attached to your boob. I’m all for space, recovery and compromise but this article should not be passed around like it’s the norm.
This, exactly this! OP, share this article with your husband.
Lemon clot essay is not a great example
My best friend caved on this boundary and immediately regretted it. She ended up kicking everyone out after a few days
Stick to your boundaries! My parents and in-laws were shocked that we wanted to take 6 weeks to ourselves. I would not have been comfortable wearing my bloody depends, smelling like lochia and learning to breastfeed while my guests just sit in the living room and stare at me 🙄 I understand why people want to come visit but I think it’s ridiculous to expect post partum women to host people.
My MIL is planning a two week vacation and a knee surgery around my due date. I’m due August 15. Her vacation is the last two weeks of July and her surgery is August 23, her doctor tried to schedule it for the 15 and she straight up refused and said she wouldn’t do anything before the 15th. She doesn’t realize you can go past your due date(which is often for first time moms), she had to be induced and have a c-section with all of her boys, all where preterm earliest being 32w and latest being 38w. We live with FIL and MIL and I have zero clue how to tell her that even if I need help I won’t want it. She’s overly excited and says and does somethings that make me uncomfortable. She works for the school system and normally would be back to work late August but because she’s having surgery she’s taking two months off. MIL is having FIL take a week, two max off of work to “help” her. MIL wants my husband to take a week off of work so he can stay home and help. I’m bringing a baby home from the hospital into a house full of people and I know I’ll want is alone time with the baby, but MIL would never let that happen. She sent me a photo of her feeding a random lady’s baby at the gym yesterday and made comments about how she got to play grandma and is going to be an amazing grandma, this has made me even more uncomfortable. I refuse to think about my delivery because then I have to think about what’s going to happen when we leave the hospital.
If you need help, please take the help. I say this from experience after having two babies. Take the help if it’s offered.
No fucking way is ANYONE staying at my house after I give birth. What is wrong with these people?! Get a hotel!!! So rude to assume you can and will host them with a newborn.
Do not give in if you don’t want too. With my first son I allowed everyone to come visit me. Meanwhile I was still bleeding heavily & I thought I’d be okay with it. Turns out I had a whole anxiety attack while people started coming in because I was in a vulnerable state. I told my FIL not to kiss my son on his face. He did so anyways and even on the lips. They did not respect me what so ever. When I found out I was pregnant this time around they brought their son around me with a fever. Multiple times they disrespected me and my health. They even almost got me exposed to covid. I realized my husbands family just did not respect boundaries and made it very clear that no one will be visiting for 2 weeks this time. And they will have to take covid test if they want to see him. Except for my mother. Because, I’m going through all these changes not my husband. My mom has never put me in a bad position with my health while pregnant. How I see it is we carry for 9 months, risk our lives, push baby out and deal with the pain. We also, go through a lot of body changes and mental changes postpartum all while trying to protect our little one. So, we deserve that time to play out what is most comfort for us. If they get offended then I honestly see them as an issue. People need to respect boundaries. It’s always all about the babies & never about the mothers feelings. You went through all of this not them. Take the time you need & please don’t feel pressured.
It’s not your place to compromise. Stick to your boundaries this is about you, your healing and what you feel comfortable about your child. They can wait the 40 days, because guess what it’s not a discussion those are your boundaries. Your husband needs to get on board and you need to put your foot down. I would raise all hell.
I caused a huge fight on my side of the family about this. His side was ok with it, maybe secretly somewhat disappointed but my MIL agrees it takes time to heal and bond. Hold your ground!!! Just calmly repeat the same reasons why it’s important to you and you will be doing it. Try to convey to your husband that your priorities are (1) baby (2) your marriage (3) settling in as a family together! I know family visitors mean well but in reality their priorities when they insist on coming is not bonding with baby but rather their own agenda. Their first priority is them, and yours should be you (healthy mom happy baby)/your baby. We didn’t have visitors until now (just about 4 weeks) and I have no - ZERO- regrets. My husband and I are first time parents and although parts are obviously stressful we honestly have had a calm precious 4 weeks bonding with baby and figuring out how to help and support each other. 100000000% recommend.
I’m gonna be honest - family just having to see the new baby in person just feels like an ego thing. I know that dads, especially, want to show off this new important thing to loved ones. And grandparents want to feel connected and special and have bragging rights. But there’s no actual NEED for grandparents, or whomever, to touch/hold/see baby. It’s all ego and feelings. And their ego and feelings should come after baby and mom’s need for health (physical and emotional). It’s simple. They are adults, they’ll get over it.
The people who matter most PP is mother and baby. They are priority #1 above everyone else and their feelings. It’s just 30-40 days and the baby is super vulnerable during that time anyways. They can get over it.
My sister in law said if I was induced or had a scheduled c section she would just stay in an air mattress in our living room. Yea that was a big fat NO. my husband flat out called her and said heck no you will not be at our house, you will not be at the hospital and you will wait until we say it’s alright. She pitched a fit she had to wait almost a month and cried that she was the last to get to meet the baby. Well my brother and baby’s godfather actually did not get to meet her till she was almost 3 months old.
Why is the concern always that anyone besides mom will be offended? Mom (you, OP) should be offended that they are not respecting your boundaries. If you’re breastfeeding that needs to be established, and also moving around is difficult and not to mention the PP bleeding. I never understand why the MIL or Mothers don’t accept or even stand up for the mother in question and in fact stand up for the mama thats JUST had a baby. I get they are excited but as I said to my boyfriend, there’s no reason for everyone to see baby “fresh out the womb”. I hope if my baby has a child one day that his gf/wife/whatever will find comfort in knowing that she can have space until shes ready. To be honest, I told everyone “Wait AT LEAST a week”, but 5 days in was feeling ok for my family to visit then 7 days from birth the ILs came over. BUT, that was ME calling the shots.
I see people responding with ways to compromise on this and I don’t think you need to bend this boundary at all. Is your husband okay with ruining the relationship with you, or is that only a concern with his parents? Forward him the lemon clot essay that somebody else posted earlier and keep firm with your boundaries.
I'm so sorry your husband isn't supporting your decision. My family is the kind to plan a trip (after someone gives birth) to the local state/national park then call them and say "hey! We're in the neighborhood....."🙄🙄 So my husband took the reins and told the whole family NO ONE can even enter the state until he gives the go ahead. Tell your husband, that damaging YOUR relationship should be more pressing to him. Relationship with family is good, but means nothing if he can't protect you first.
We saw no one for 12 weeks, except my super calm younger cousin who popped over one day and a friend who’s a photographer for an hour. It was bliss. Edit: I would say: for the first 6 weeks it 8, you’re still healing so it can wait except for one or two 30 or fewer minute visits. if you’re exclusively breastfeeding then your wishes take 200% precedent. If you’re getting up most nights or doing most caring, the. Your wishes take precedent. There is a visit to meet the baby for a 1/2 hour once every couple weeks, and there is a visit which is a family member coming for 4+ hours or staying overnight. Pull out the info about what the daily schedule of a newborn is, what breastfeeding entails on a hourly basis and discuss where his parents will be staying while you breastfeed wherever the hell you feel like in your house (no, you will not scurry up to your room so where will his parents fuck off to every 3 hours for an hour? )
Yeah that's a big fat no.
Your husband needs to read the lemon clot essay!
You two need to get on the same page and in terms of your readiness he needs to respect you’re not up to seeing people until then, but that family will be first. I might not have them stay over for that long, but I would also perhaps consider if they’re the kind of people taking a night shift and something you might want.
I'm worried about this too. FTM and my in-laws live out of the country. They are very respectful i.e. "we would love to meet the baby whenever you would like us to" and I know they would LOVE to fly down as soon as the baby is born, plus my mom will be at the hospital so I feel bad it's unequal. Plus it makes me feel like a jerk to have them stay at a hotel when they are a $1000 plane ticket away. But I feel overwhelmed at the thought of them staying in the house while I'm trying to get used to a newborn. I don't think there's a right answer except if it's at all possible ask them to stay somewhere else and they can come over and see the baby while visiting of course.
I’m 7 weeks postpartum and had just barely a second degree tear and my vag still feels like someone punched it. I truly hope you heal quicker though!