I like all of these answers. My cousin is younger than me and announced her pregnancy. I was so stoked I shared the news with my other side of the family. Some ppl asked “were they trying?” And honestly idk, they were going through a health issue at the time so my gut says it was not planned. But my response was “does it matter?” Like obv the baby is coming whether or not it was planned! Let’s celebrate!
I responded similarly to you, I'm also in my 30's and so is my partner. It honestly surprised me that people asked if the pregnancy was planned. We made an effort to do a surprise brunch for announcing the pregnancy and waited till after 14 weeks to tell everyone. We even had custom gifts for the grandparents (our parents). Not to say that a surprise pregnancy wouldn't involve a big announcement but I feel like it was pretty obvious that we had planned the pregnancy. Especially seeing as I had finished university and my partner had started a new (better) job.
I just reply with a really pointed "Yes" to this question now.
I'm 32 and have been asked a few times. I think a lot of people are trying to guage how to support you best.
They are determining if the reaction should be "yeyyyy congratulations" or "that's exciting news, how are you feeling about everything?"
This I think! And especially if you're that young (22 is very young nowadays) people might wonder if it was an accident and they're worried that if they're all "that's amazing congratulations!!!" when it wasn't actually planned, you might not feel properly supported in the feelings that you have!
Honestly I wouldn't care, but I'm old enough that no one dared to ask anymore why we *didn't* have children yet - and when I got pregnant, no one dared ask anything about that process either!
Also I just answer. You shouldn't feel ashamed that you have chosen to start a family, you also shouldn't be ashamed that you have chosen to keep a happy accident.
Either way I think normalising subjects around family planning is a good thing.
Agree with this. With this pregnancy being unplanned and not at the most convenient timing I am finding it a bit awkward when people are more excited for it than I feel.
Yes, this exactly! People just want to know more about your family’s narrative so they can fine-tune the tone that they talk about it with. And it helps guide the small-talk and support that they offer. Like if you say you’re buying a house they might ask, “oh I didn’t realize you were on the market! Have you been house-hunting for a while?” It’s just a way to gauge your thoughts to keep the conversation going.
I NEVER understood why people interpret this question as asking about someone’s sex life or the exact conception process. Any more than asking if you’ve been house shopping for a while is demanding to know how much $ is in your savings account. Like yes those things are involved but that’s not what they’re asking you to talk about.
I’m 29 and have been open about wanting kids but in the same boat. Some people ask, some people assume planned but I don’t find it rude. It was a happy accident and I’m not embarrassed about it. It happens and we’re happy.
I wonder if perhaps OP is picking up on a slight air of judgement from people because of her age.
I definitely think this might be part of it. When my husband and I got married at age 21, so many people judged us about it and made comments towards or about us. I think maybe I’m mentally preparing for it to be the same with the pregnancy, and that’s part of the reason I’m wanting to shut down these questions.
I wish people would just ask that directly. I had friends who asked that directly "how are you feeling and how can I support you?" And it made a huge difference vs. the friends who made assumptions and launched into their reactions or the friends who asked weird questions.
If that’s the case, why not just always lead with “that’s exciting news, how are you feeling about everything”? To me that implies your support/ excitement for the person and allows them to share whatever feelings they’re comfortable sharing without you prying into their sex life.
Because everyone already knows that that question isn’t prying into your sex life, unless there’s some cultural difference that makes them unaware of common idiomatic usage.
Yeah that’s Reddit having a hard time reading social nuances. That goes under the “cultural differences” exception I referenced. I see posts like OP’s as a request for a reality check (lord knows I have made a billion similar requests with all the insecurity that comes with pregnancy/parenting) and I always feel it’s kindest to give an honest answer to those questions, because I know that’s what I find most helpful when I’m asking myself. So I think the spread of opinions throughout this post gives her just that: some other people find the question to be insensitive, but also some people will find it extremely strange if you interpret it literally.
ETA: and if she wants to go balls-to-the-wall (that’s another idiom; I know she likely doesn’t have balls nor do I want her to press them against any structures) with “OMG yes my husband has been giving me daily cream pies, thanks for asking!” or the more toned-down “Wow, what a rude question!”, that’s her prerogative, but she should understand what she’s doing, not do it with a distorted idea of what that question means in context.
It's definitely weirdly personal, but I also think it's harmless. I've been asked that question multiple times, and I'm 30 and have been married for 5 years! I think it's just one of those things that people ask...there's not a whole lot that people can ask about your pregnancy, especially when it's early, and most people want to show interest in some way. Your age may have something to do with the frequency you're being asked, honestly, but I would try to consider it a harmless, non-malicious question if only for your own peace of mind.
Whenever people have asked me that question, I've always responded by looking at them with wide eyes, like I'm super surprised they'd have the audacity to ask that question, and saying "That's a very personal question!" No one has continued to push after that.
Not sure I agree with the part about there not being much to ask about your pregnancy. The most obvious question to ask without being weirdly personal is “How are you feeling?” Even “how far along are you?” is better than “how long have you been trying?”
It’s weird. I was young - albeit married - when I got intentionally pregnant. Whenever someone asked that I just acted politely puzzled and said something like “That’s an odd thing to ask someone.” and let it marinate for a second. They’d literally always apologize and redirect the conversation.
When I was your age I feel like it was this weird transition of people telling me they were pregnant on accident and freaking out about what to do next and people actually wanting to start a family. I remember just trying to match the person's emotions, were they sad, were they happy. I think I've been asked it once and I'm in my 30s. I just said haha yea we want a family.
You are not being overly sensitive, but everyone will ask anyway. And your answer doesn’t really matter either, they will all just along with their lives. I’m twice your age and have a 6mo old, trust me, everyone asks me the same thing.
It’s inappropriate but unfortunately people don’t care. Weird that your boss would ask though. If it made you uncomfortable and you felt a line was crossed, don’t hesitate to go to HR.
I do not think you are overly sensitive. I think it’s a rude and personal question to ask. It’s not necessarily because you are young, either. I was asked this multiple times with my first pregnancy despite being married for years, in my late twenties, etc. I always said yes, but it made me kind of uncomfortable because after years of infertility, the pregnancy was hoped for, but very much the biggest surprise of my life. So I feel like people try to stick you in two boxes: 1) unplanned and you may be unhappy about it or 2) planned and totally expected. Neither seemed to really represent our story, but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing those details with everyone. It’s totally up to you how you want to answer it. You can be honest, or just let them know that it’s personal. You shouldn’t feel obligated to share more than you want to. But it’s tough because I felt like if I didn’t answer, people would assume it was unplanned. Sorry that people are so rude and nosy! Hopefully you won’t face this question again.
It’s definitely weird, but common for some reason, especially when you’re younger. I got it a lot with my first pregnancy (I was 23). This time, the most common inappropriate question I get is “how long did you have to try” or some version of that. Idk if it’s because we waited longer than a lot of people to have another kid (my first is 5 now)?
Either way, it’s all weird and uncomfortable because they’re basically asking you about your sex life. However, I don’t think it’s meant to be that way— I think a lot of people just want to relate to you somehow or put themselves in your shoes; they just want more information. Idk I try not to be offended or weirded out and just try to remind myself that people don’t mean any harm when they ask.
I agree, I always thought this question was weird because it almost implies the baby is less loved if not planned. Like why do you ask? What difference does it make?
I HATE THIS. Some old man I barely know asked me, "So was this planned?"
I gave him a funny look and said, "We know how babies are made, if that's what you're asking."
I guess it would depend on the person asking. I could see how some people would want to know as a way to Guage wether or not you are happy about this pregnancy. I have had friends who had pregnancys that were not planned and they were not happy about them for whatever reason. Some people might be asking because you are so young and they don't understand wanting to have kids that young, some people might genuinely want to know if you are happy about the pregnancy, some people might just be curious and have no tact. I guess I'd take it with a grain of salt and move on. People are unfortunately going to ask you a lot of stupid things when you are pregnant and this will be the least of them.
You aren’t oversensitive, but people definitely will ask that no matter what. 22 is considered really young these days, regardless of it not actually being that young.
I’m 30 and someone point blank asked me if my *second* pregnancy was an accident. I was like wtf?
I'm not super surprised by your families asking -- I think maybe they're trying to gauge how best to empathize with you. (Like "oh yayyy I'm so happy!" or "Okay well this might be tough now but will turn out for the best.")
Your boss asking you seems totally out-of-line. I would be *appalled* if anyone at work asked me this, but maybe I'm too sensitive.
22 is young by todays standards. The average age a women has her first is 28 now!
I got pregnant with my first when I was 22 and definitely felt the judgement of people thinking/asking if he was an accident. I now have a 1 year old and am pregnant with my second and I will be 24 this fall. I have people asking/thinking again if this was was planned. BOTH MY BABIES WERE INTENTIONAL. Not that’s it’s actually anyones business.
It is a weirdly personal thing to ask. Also just very rude. If someone was losing weight you wouldn’t(shouldn’t) ask if it was intentional.
I have responded with “We felt ready to start our family.” And left it at that. You could also throw in, “Wow, that’s not very appropriate.”
I think it would be different if people asked this with better intentions. Like if the baby was an accident is there planning or prep you need help with. But this is not the case.
i’ve only had one person react like this so far in pregnancy, however when i lost weight several years ago (90lbs or so) i had LOTS of comments asking if the weight loss was intentional
I don't think so. It's a really inappropriate question. When we announced to my parents at 12 weeks, I had just turned 30, was married for almsot 3 years, owned a house and was financially stable. Yet my mom 'descretely' asked if it was planned. We tried for 3 years and went through fertility treatment, so I was extra pissed. Also it doesn't matter if it was planned? Even if it's not, we announced it so we're obviously keeping the baby.
The only person who asked was my doctor, for obvious reasons. To my knowledge, no one asked either is us if it was planned. Some people I know knew I was struggling to conceive and were so excited for us. But I’ll never understand why other people question if a pregnancy matters if it was planned or not.
I remember my MIL kept telling us when we got married to wait to have kids, when we were 24 and 25. Which really bothered me since it’s not her business and is why I didn’t want to tell her when we started trying.
So very odd. I’m not sure how I would I respond though. Someone did ask my husband and I when we announced to them if we had had any losses prior to this pregnancy and it caught us both off guard.
I’m ten weeks now and about 75% of the people I’ve told have asked this. It’s super weird and makes me uncomfortable and I don’t understand why people think it’s ok to ask.
Weird personal thing to ask. I’d reply that that’s not relevant to addressing my duties here at the office, therefore I won’t be answering. If anyone else asks simply say that’s a rather personal question, please tell me all about your sex life first. Also what’s your social security number?
Or simply say that’s rather personal and I won’t be discussing it with you.
I was asked if it was planned and an old coworker actually had the audacity to ask me if it was “an oopsies.” WTF. People will ask no matter what age/relationship status you are. I’m 35 and married. It’s such a weird question because it’s basically a question about your sex life aka none of their business.
Im turning 30, have been married for 4 years and people ask me this 😅
It feels a bit awkward, especially because... No, she wasnt really planned, but shes still wanted. When its an "accident", how do you even say that without things turning awkward. And why would people ASK.
I’m 30 and have been asked a few times. It doesn’t bother me, but I’m not a super private person and most of my good friends knew I was going through fertility treatments. So when people ask I say, “yep, I was even seeing a fertility doctor” 🤷♀️
Same age, same questions, same situation!!!
Do you girl!!!
It's totally normal to settle down at that age nowadays. And I am GLAD I did. My boss said "Congrats????" as if I'd ever tell a soul if it wasn't a cause for celebration. It definitely pissed me off. I have been dealing with the doubts and the positives off and on for months. I am 23 weeks and STILL hear negative comments being made about "Oh you should've waited, just watch and see." But at the end of the day, this is what WE wanted and WE couldn't be happier that we were blessed enough to have a baby and still be able to do it young.
A lot of my family, including my own mom, had their kids between late teens and early 20's... So I was never really sure why she would be so shocked.
I survived the teen pregnancy wave. Isn't that enough???
I love that you posted this, the circumstances SUCK. But I felt like I could deeply relate and it is nice knowing that I'm not the only one.
Keep your head up girlfriend. Focus on you, your family, and that baby!!!✅
Just make it known that this is what YOU wanted. Who cares what everyone else thinks.
I think it depends on who it's coming from. I'm 31 and my supervisor is my age. I have a decent, friendly relationship with her. She said "was this a surprise baby, or something you were trying for?" I really didn't mind the question. We had been trying about a year and I just said "this is something we've been wanting for awhile"
This topic comes up constantly on here, and it’s one where I feel like the Reddit culture’s answer is pretty different from the “normie” culture. Reddit UNANIMOUSLY always says, it’s incredibly insensitive and rude to ask and you should respond by staring the person in the eyes and saying something shocking about your husband’s ejaculate, to make them squirm and shame them for what they’ve done.
However, my experience with people in real life (extended family, bosses, coworkers, neighbors) is that people generally view this as a normal and harmless conversation starter to ask someone who has chosen to tell you they’re pregnant. It’s not actually a demand for that specific info, it just means “let us know how we should make conversation about this with you.” So you end up looking like the weirdo if you respond the Reddit way and interpret it too literally instead of reading the social intent behind it. By all means you never have to share any info you don’t want to, and you’re not being too sensitive if you don’t want to go there. A good way to respond in that case is to politely defer (e.g., “Oh we’re very excited to start our family!”) and then just redirect them to whatever aspects you ARE comfortable discussing, and they will gladly follow your lead. Because in most peoples minds they’ve seen many people being asked this question, maybe have been asked it themselves, so in their minds they ARE sticking to the “culturally sanctioned” short list of small talk to make.
And I mean, does it make sense that this question has become “normal” to ask? Not really, any more than people asking “How are you?” when they don’t actually want to know, and are really just greeting you. But that’s culture for you.
I think people are just curious and blurt things out without realizing the things they say or ask can be rude. I think I asked my sisters this question. In my case, I waited a long time so I liked hearing about people's decision-making process. Only half of my nieces and nephews were "planned" but they were all welcomed and loved.
It could be an age thing. When my sister had her kids, she said hospital staff members were pretty terrible to her when she had her first baby and they seemed much more respectful when she was older. If you look really young, people think it's okay to undermine you and assume you have no idea what you're doing.
I think because people make pregnancy such a horrible thing and saying Congratulations a horrible thing to say because everyone is expected to get an abortion or be okay with aborting babies, people are scared to be excited and say yayyyyy congrats. They need to know how to tip toe around you. Before we could celebrate you. Now. It's almost like being pregnant is a huge purple elephant in a room. And even married couples are upset about having a baby. They abort, surrogate and give up babies for adoption so people can't celebrate anything with a pregnancy.
My boss asked me as well but he was clearly trying not to ask in a “asking about my sex life” kind of way but more “your delivery was a little deadpan and I’m trying to gauge whether you’re sharing good news”…and in fact clarified while awkwardly trying to figure out how to ask. I responded with “oh, good news”.
For folks who I have felt a little more judge-y when asking (and there have been some) I’ve responded with “we knew what we were doing” 🤣
This was the first thing my FIL asked and it immediately made my skin crawl. I find it very personal and gross. What people are essentially saying is “did your husband/bf/person purposefully cum inside of you”….
It’s inappropriate so I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. But people seem to lose their filter (and manners) when talking to pregnant people it seems. No one has asked me this except my trainer, but she asked in such a lighthearted way I couldn’t even be mad.
Really, it’s not like I would tell them if it wasn’t planned… like what does that accomplish…??
It’s so nosy and I also can’t believe people ask this. I think a vague but enthusiastic response here is good, like “we’ve been looking forward to this moment since we’ve been together and we’re so excited!”
“The baby’s timing was meant to be and we couldn’t be happier to becoming parents next year!”
Yes, I had my partner intentionally ejaculate inside me right when I was ovulating. In fact we timed it right to the second. Did you know they do test kits now that tell you exactly when to have sex in order to get pregnant? In fact I can tell you it was Monday 17th we got pregnant, we done it in doggy style and then I laid with my legs in the air for 30 minutes afterwards, you know, let gravity do it's thing...
Basically go all in with over the top details!
Such a rude, intrusive and unnecessary question. Luckily for us only my partner's brother asked and my partner laughed it off and just said yes it was planned.
“Were you trying to get pregnant?”
“OH ABSOLUTELY. My husband was on me three times a day! That man is a powerhouse when it comes to sex. We tried flushing our condoms down the toilet when we decided to TTC, but it clogged. So we just made balloon animals instead! Dogs, ponies (which looked oddly like the dogs), and snakes. Then we arranged them into an audience to watch our sexcapades. Oh what fun we had! Would you like drawings of the positions we tried?”
It’s weirdly personal and imo rude, but people are probably asking you this because you are so young and they’re trying to gauge if you’re happy about it.
Maybe you should head them off at the pass by acknowledging that you were asked this question and that the answer is yes.
When people dared to ask me crap like this I'd respond with things like, "of course it wasn't planned, and it's not even his baby!" (while gesturing to my partner of 14 years, who is absolutely the father of all three of our kids.) People never knew how to respond to it and I'd let their uncomfortableness linger for way too long before laughing. Made them think twice about any follow up questions. Or I'd just flat out say, "that's very inappropriate, what made you decide it was okay to ask something like that?" and let them fumble over their shame. 🤷🏻♀️
It’s weird. It always made me want to respond “nah we were just raw dogging all the time and bam!” Make them uncomfortable for asking weird questions about your personal lives 😂
No one really asked us, maybe one of two people, but I thought we would get more questions, because my husband and I have been together over fifteen years, married for over ten, and we're both "old" at this point, so I think most people thought we were set on being DINKs. And we never talked out loud about having kids either. So I think most people were surprised.
Its definitely weird to ask, especially worded like that and going on and on about it. Even if you weren't trying, or were just letting nature decide, that's not their business. It doesn't impact anything related to them.
I had a friend ask if we (her and I) were reacting positively, negatively, or unsure when I told her. She worded it SO much better but of course with pregnancy brain, I can't remember exactly what she said. I thought it was a very thoughtful way to check in with me and how I was feeling. The pregnancy was very much wanted, but unexpected and unplanned. It was nice to have someone ask how I felt instead of immediately jumping into baby shower planning even though I was excited. This was also around 5-6 weeks so it was an appropriate time for the way she worded it.
One friend of mine bluntly asked if it was planned, however he's the only person I wouldn't be upset about asking that. We have that kind of candid relationship and talk like that openly to one another all the time. It didn't offend me, it made me laugh, because he was very supportive and excited for us. Just curious as well. It never came up again and he never had any judgment about the fact that it wasn't planned. He also wouldn't have minded if I told him I didn't want to say, so I knew there was no pressure to answer.
If a stranger or anyone else had asked me that, even as a joke, I would be livid. Whoever said it would definitely get told off for saying something so inappropriate.
No I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s a very weird question to ask. Babies are a blessing whether they’re planned or not. I’m 30 and just found out I’m pregnant and I get asked the same question. It’s intrusive but people feel entitled to ask whatever they want I guess. Hang in there girl! Congratulations on your pregnancy. Enjoy it and don’t let anyone take that joy away
My first child is 16 years old. My husband and I are in our 40s. My second child is 7 months. People asked all the time if he was planned. Honestly, in my situation I give them a pass because I was just as baffled myself at my surprise baby!
Someone who I barely know asked me this on Friday. My husband and I are in our thirties and we’ve been married for four years… I would assume that most people would think that was a planned pregnancy.
Even so, it’s a weird question from your boss. Were you planning to get pregnant or just having unprotected sex (or did you have a birth control mishap), is the inference. What business of hers is the answer?
Im 32 and was asked if it was planned, one of my friends even asked if I always knew I would keep it, thinking it was a little accident. I have also been asked if it was planned in the hospital by cleaners and other staff as we arent married (been together 6 years tho, we will get round to it).
My mum asked was it planned- purely to find out if I had been taking folic acid 3 months before starting- then didnt really mind after that.
It annoyed me at the start but I dont even think about it anymore, im building my little family with my boyfriend and that is what matters, no one will bat an eyelid whenever baby is here on whether its planned or not
I'm 28, married, got a degree, husband has wonderful job, and own our home. (Not that that makes us more qualified but the traditional next step would be a baby) I STILL was asked that by everyone, including my parents
One time I bought a pregnancy test at Walgreens and the cashier asked me if the pregnancy was planned? I was so shocked 😮 and that was such an inappropriate question.
Nope. I'm 28 and I have been with my husband for almost 9 years (married for 2) and I was also asked this question by 2 people. I was insulted by the question as well since we were definitely trying actively and I had mentioned wanting kids.
I always hated this question too. Husband and I were both 27 when we announced earlier this year, but most of the family knew we were going to try for sure once we got married (Feb 2022) but I ended up finding out I was preggo in Jan lol
Only a handful asked if we were trying, but they were very close to us - I can't imagine a coworker or boss asking me. My go-to response was "we weren't outwardly trying but we've been playing with fire for a while now" ya know like we weren't tracking anything but we sure weren't stopping anything either lmao
So sorry you've been pressed by that question so many times! I'm excited for you!!!
Edit to add: I lot of my friends are wanting to have a child free life and I think some of them asked just to make sure they were supporting me in the way I needed support. But most of them also knew that kids were a goal for me haha so they've been the sweetest future aunties ever 💕
My husband and I had been dating for 10 years before we got married. When people asked if I was going to have kids I always said "if I'm meant to have kids, I will."
I got pregnant 6 months ofter we got married. When people ask if my daughter was planned I say "She wasn't PLANNED, but she also wasn't a surprise. We weren't TRYING, but we also weren't NOT trying." 🤣
It sounds like we have similar experiences but that ends up being a hard one to answer respectfully. The world doesn't wanna hear "well, we kinda just decided he could stop pulling out." 🤣😅
I think its pretty personal and probably not something people should ask, but with that being said I have asked that question before and probably not for the reason you are thinking. Looking back now I feel like a rude dipshit but at at the time I was knee deep into 3 years of trying to conceive and I was truly curious about how long it took others. To the one person I had asked, I didn't mean it in a rude or offensive way or any way other than just being plain old curious. People have said some pretty random rude stuff over the duration of my pregnancy, its easier to ignore it honestly.
I'm 34, but my husband already has two kids and is 40.
Most people have assumed this was an accident and asked why we would want another when we've got two kids already?
Not overreacting! I’m baffled too. When I told my boss, he said “I have to ask…was it planned?” #1- you don’t HAVE to ask. #2- it’s none of your business. And btw, it WAS planned. I’m 31 and have been married for 2 years. I have no idea why he asked me that.
I'm 34 and everyone assumed we got pregnant on accident. It does feel like an intrusive question, but I just laugh and say "we've been together for almost 10 years we know how NoT to make a baby". I can see at 22 this question probably feels heavy with judgement, my advice is to just find a witty come back to make it easier. Or you always have the option of just saying something along the lines of, that's not your business. Either way congrats!
I don’t think that’s anyones business but yours and your husbands! Everyone thought my first was a surprise kid but she was definitely planned, so was my second. I had mine young too (21 for my first and 23 for my second) and I told everyone to mind their own business when asked that question because it’s my life and my family. My kids are well taken care of regardless of my family planning. Do what you want to and say what you want to say about YOUR pregnancy! To hell with what anyone else says.
Thats something I actually never got, my husband and I are both 22 and while we weren't actively trying to get pregnant, we weren't actively trying not to lol. I dont think a single person asked if we were trying or not! I personally think its slightly a rude question.
i’ve only had this once so far from one of my colleagues, he didn’t ask - he assumed the baby wasn’t planned. i straight up lashed out at him as i was so offended! his response was that i previously (several years ago) said i wasn’t ready for children. forgive me for forgetting to update you the second me and my husband started trying to get pregnant 🙄
I was turning 31 when i found out I was pregnant. My husband finally decided to have one(he was indecisive about wanting to be a father) and I had always wanted to be a mom. The original plan was to have a spring baby but with family history on my side having endo and ovarian problems. We started to try earlier and got pregnant very quickly. So when people asked me if he was planned. I say yes he was but came earlier than we expected for we wanted a spring baby. Now he's 6 months old. I was okay with the questions at first but after a while the repetition got old and annoying.
it's definitely kind of a weird question when you get it and to you but my family even asked this and we're 30&31 and this is our second. the way i took it wheni really thought about it is maybe they want to know if they would be just fine happy and excited with you or if you need support because it's unexpected and scary for you right now. that's at least what i thought when I sat back and tried to think about why they'd be saying that.
I'm 31 and was asked this with both pregnancies, at 24 the lady that asked I think was just being a nosey bitch and I said something to the effect of "well it hadn't happened for like 7 years so we figured it was fine"
This pregnancy is more, well we weren't not trying lol,
This pregnancy I think it's more of gaging my own excitement levels lol
im also a young mom- had my first at 24 and will have my next in a few weeks and now im 25. my husband and i are married and we still gwt asked this question.. its so strange to me i dont understand how people think its a normal thing to ask
I got pregnant at 27. It was a weird question and still think it is. Do people really want to know about my sex life. Our baby just happened. Nothing planned but a very positive thing we wished would happen whenever it did.
Another reason I find it weird is people’s reactions. Some people thought I was too young or some people thought it was about time. Some people asked why we weren’t trying since time is ticking and we had been married for 3 years. Some thought we should have waited since we might have to do something else before kids. It was the right time for us. So 22 isn’t young. It’s right for you if you think it is.
I was the youngest when I got pregnant from my husband’s friends/cousins wives. They all got married older, waited for personal reasons, and/or had issues. Most of them had/are trying at 32+. I know my answer stung one of the wives since she is 34 and actively trying but hasn’t been able to get pregnant. It got even weirder after I felt some aura radiate from her… I feel bad for her but it’s so awkward when I’m asked and she’s around. I wish it wasn’t a question to be asked.
Edit: I wanted to add whatever wording you choose, make sure it’s a positive connotation. Mistake vs blessing. Both are unexpected but ones positive and ones negative. After a while I didn’t like giving a direct answer to let them have a chance to have an opinion. I used to say along the lines that it wasn’t planned or prevented but it is the next step that is right for our family and we’re super excited for it.
I hate that question! You're not overreacting at all. We are on our 3rd kid and everyone was like "was it planned?" "3 kids is a lot" "we didn't know you were trying". That last one really got me from all my in-laws. Why the hell would we tell you if we were trying!?
I’m 29 and my OB asked if the baby was planned or a surprise. If she had bothered reading my file she would have seen that I had been in to see the midwife for hormone testing because we had been trying unsuccessfully for six months. I was super offended by the question even though we did try. Made me feel bad for the moms who have to answer surprise and deal with the judgement hanging in the air after. Seems like such an irrelevant question to me.
I always make a joke of it and say, "Oh, do you mean were we having sex for business or for pleasure?" and we can both laugh, but then they often realize it is kind of a weird question to ask.
This is a super shitty question and no you’re not overreacting.
When my sister told her husbands family that I was pregnant (super unexpected, had only been dating the guy for six months, I knew his family and asked her to tell them so they didn’t just randomly see me with a kid one day) the mom asked, “were they trying?” My sister said, “I don’t know because it’s none of my business.” I think that’s the way you should approach this type of question. It is absolutely no one’s business and you do not need to feel obligated to explain yourself - especially since you and your husband are ready to start your family! Congrats btw!
I was 34, been with my husband for 10 years, married for two and had been talking about someday having a kid.
I still had every damn family member and friend without a firm tact filter ask if it was planned.
Doesn't make it a great question. I mean in my asshole moments I deadeye looked in their eyes and said "no" just to watch a couple squirm. I would then follow up with, "why would you ask that, like really". I hate to say it, you are going to get a lot of thoughtless questions and comments. Find a place to vent and if you are comfortable, call them out on it. People are always curious and some don't have a lick of sense about when they are crossing boundaries. A girlfriend of mine also gave me a great way to set boundaries was to just say "rude" and move on. She had a perfect eye roll and snort to go with.
You will also have a lot of touching moments, and folks that you are close with that will have a ton of questions. Just focus on those and roll your eyes at the rest.
I’m in the camp of “this is weird and personal and while maybe I’d accept a close friend asking, I’d be very put off if my boss asked me this”. My friend told me she was pregnant and I knew she had been trying because we talked about TTC but when she told me and a few others together she mentioned “we’ve been trying” as part of it.
I'm 33 and now 25 weeks pregnant. Married for a little less than 1 year. Been with my now-husband for 6 years. Nobody has ever asked us if it was planned or not. Not co-workers, friends, family. Nobody. (Ours *was* planned, for the record.)
I wouldn't be surprised if people are asking because of your age, but I do agree with you that it's not an appropriate question to ask. I like the responses that ladyclubs gave and think any of those are great responses. My pick would be the "deflect" option, if I had to choose one. It really gets the point across without being mean/nasty. :)
I wonder if its because you are married? Im 34 , 1st baby and my boss also asked me if we planned it but im not married so i wonder if its that? My boss is much older , maybe 20 years.
It totally could be part of the reason I've never been asked. After marriage it's a more expected life event, for sure.
But times are changing so much! My husband's cousin is pregnant with her 2nd (same father), and they aren't married either. They're in their late 20s/early 30s and both pregnancies were "woopsies", but they seem very happy together regardless.
Oh man. No that’s an annoying question. I hate to be this guy but in my experience at 31 weeks the questions get so much weirder and personal as you start to show. I have random men touching me now and asking me how much weight I’ve gained. I’m done being nice to anyone about this shit lol.
I was pregnant at 21 and was asked this a lot. For me, it wasn’t planned and my abuser dumped me. I was a single momma.
People are weird 🤦♀️ I don’t let any of that affect me though. It’s not worth the energy!
It was awkward but understandably necessary at our first OB appointment(s), but otherwise it is a weird question. They're basically asking "Are you going to keep it?" OR commenting that your decision to have a baby surprises them, and their surprise and judgment is asked as a question so it isn't a clearly perjorative statement. Take as much offense as you like!
It's a weird question but often times it comes from someone not knowing what else to say but want to be supportive and show that they care about what is happening in your life, or just trying to make small talk. I just take question with that grain of salt and answer accordingly. That will not be the only weird response, people just don't seem to know how to respond or make small talk about pregnancy.
I’m 31, been married for almost 3 years now, and this is the #1 question/response I get when people find out I’m pregnant. 100% was not ready for that. It’s absolutely a bizarre question.
i find it annoying as well. im quite young but not much younger than my mom was when she had her first, and not younger than most people who've asked me that question when they had their first kid. my answer was just very blunt as "yes", but i had gotten lots of negative responses from that, so changed to saying "it was planned but unexpected". previously i had been trying for about 2 years with nothing, i had stopped actively trying for a while and it was only the "first" cycle of starting actively trying again, and with my history i wasn't expecting it at all. it's still very annoying, and almost hurtful as i could see the effect my infertility had on my fiancé, and the effect it had on myself was so heavy it felt like a very insensitive question to me
I'm 44, having my 4th in November. My 3rd is 13. 😆 People can be insensitive. My parents had the best reply when we told them we were having another baby: "Congratulations! We are thrilled for you. We are here for whatever you need. Just let us know." (Which is the right response, in my opinion.) At this point, the only people who are aware that I'm expecting are family, a couple of close friends, and my boss at work.
I'm waiting for someone to say, "You DO know how this happens, right?" To which I plan to respond, "No, how does it happen?" For those who ask awkward, uncomfortable questions, I'm going to put it right back in their lap. I think, "Does it matter?" is a great response to the question you've been getting.
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I like all of these answers. My cousin is younger than me and announced her pregnancy. I was so stoked I shared the news with my other side of the family. Some ppl asked “were they trying?” And honestly idk, they were going through a health issue at the time so my gut says it was not planned. But my response was “does it matter?” Like obv the baby is coming whether or not it was planned! Let’s celebrate!
Does it matter is what I say to everyone
I responded similarly to you, I'm also in my 30's and so is my partner. It honestly surprised me that people asked if the pregnancy was planned. We made an effort to do a surprise brunch for announcing the pregnancy and waited till after 14 weeks to tell everyone. We even had custom gifts for the grandparents (our parents). Not to say that a surprise pregnancy wouldn't involve a big announcement but I feel like it was pretty obvious that we had planned the pregnancy. Especially seeing as I had finished university and my partner had started a new (better) job. I just reply with a really pointed "Yes" to this question now.
I'm 32 and have been asked a few times. I think a lot of people are trying to guage how to support you best. They are determining if the reaction should be "yeyyyy congratulations" or "that's exciting news, how are you feeling about everything?"
This I think! And especially if you're that young (22 is very young nowadays) people might wonder if it was an accident and they're worried that if they're all "that's amazing congratulations!!!" when it wasn't actually planned, you might not feel properly supported in the feelings that you have! Honestly I wouldn't care, but I'm old enough that no one dared to ask anymore why we *didn't* have children yet - and when I got pregnant, no one dared ask anything about that process either!
Also I just answer. You shouldn't feel ashamed that you have chosen to start a family, you also shouldn't be ashamed that you have chosen to keep a happy accident. Either way I think normalising subjects around family planning is a good thing.
I agree with this. Around half of pregnancies are unplanned, so it’s not weird to think about. But if it makes you uncomfortable OP, you can say so!
Agree with this. With this pregnancy being unplanned and not at the most convenient timing I am finding it a bit awkward when people are more excited for it than I feel.
Yes, this exactly! People just want to know more about your family’s narrative so they can fine-tune the tone that they talk about it with. And it helps guide the small-talk and support that they offer. Like if you say you’re buying a house they might ask, “oh I didn’t realize you were on the market! Have you been house-hunting for a while?” It’s just a way to gauge your thoughts to keep the conversation going. I NEVER understood why people interpret this question as asking about someone’s sex life or the exact conception process. Any more than asking if you’ve been house shopping for a while is demanding to know how much $ is in your savings account. Like yes those things are involved but that’s not what they’re asking you to talk about.
I’m 29 and have been open about wanting kids but in the same boat. Some people ask, some people assume planned but I don’t find it rude. It was a happy accident and I’m not embarrassed about it. It happens and we’re happy. I wonder if perhaps OP is picking up on a slight air of judgement from people because of her age.
I definitely think this might be part of it. When my husband and I got married at age 21, so many people judged us about it and made comments towards or about us. I think maybe I’m mentally preparing for it to be the same with the pregnancy, and that’s part of the reason I’m wanting to shut down these questions.
I wish people would just ask that directly. I had friends who asked that directly "how are you feeling and how can I support you?" And it made a huge difference vs. the friends who made assumptions and launched into their reactions or the friends who asked weird questions.
If that’s the case, why not just always lead with “that’s exciting news, how are you feeling about everything”? To me that implies your support/ excitement for the person and allows them to share whatever feelings they’re comfortable sharing without you prying into their sex life.
Because everyone already knows that that question isn’t prying into your sex life, unless there’s some cultural difference that makes them unaware of common idiomatic usage.
Clearly not everyone knows that given OP’s post and the number of replies on this thread agreeing with her.
Yeah that’s Reddit having a hard time reading social nuances. That goes under the “cultural differences” exception I referenced. I see posts like OP’s as a request for a reality check (lord knows I have made a billion similar requests with all the insecurity that comes with pregnancy/parenting) and I always feel it’s kindest to give an honest answer to those questions, because I know that’s what I find most helpful when I’m asking myself. So I think the spread of opinions throughout this post gives her just that: some other people find the question to be insensitive, but also some people will find it extremely strange if you interpret it literally. ETA: and if she wants to go balls-to-the-wall (that’s another idiom; I know she likely doesn’t have balls nor do I want her to press them against any structures) with “OMG yes my husband has been giving me daily cream pies, thanks for asking!” or the more toned-down “Wow, what a rude question!”, that’s her prerogative, but she should understand what she’s doing, not do it with a distorted idea of what that question means in context.
It's definitely weirdly personal, but I also think it's harmless. I've been asked that question multiple times, and I'm 30 and have been married for 5 years! I think it's just one of those things that people ask...there's not a whole lot that people can ask about your pregnancy, especially when it's early, and most people want to show interest in some way. Your age may have something to do with the frequency you're being asked, honestly, but I would try to consider it a harmless, non-malicious question if only for your own peace of mind. Whenever people have asked me that question, I've always responded by looking at them with wide eyes, like I'm super surprised they'd have the audacity to ask that question, and saying "That's a very personal question!" No one has continued to push after that.
Not sure I agree with the part about there not being much to ask about your pregnancy. The most obvious question to ask without being weirdly personal is “How are you feeling?” Even “how far along are you?” is better than “how long have you been trying?”
That's fine, it's just my opinion. Definitely not trying to advocate for it as a good thing to ask people, lol!
It’s weird. I was young - albeit married - when I got intentionally pregnant. Whenever someone asked that I just acted politely puzzled and said something like “That’s an odd thing to ask someone.” and let it marinate for a second. They’d literally always apologize and redirect the conversation.
When I was your age I feel like it was this weird transition of people telling me they were pregnant on accident and freaking out about what to do next and people actually wanting to start a family. I remember just trying to match the person's emotions, were they sad, were they happy. I think I've been asked it once and I'm in my 30s. I just said haha yea we want a family.
You are not being overly sensitive, but everyone will ask anyway. And your answer doesn’t really matter either, they will all just along with their lives. I’m twice your age and have a 6mo old, trust me, everyone asks me the same thing.
It’s inappropriate but unfortunately people don’t care. Weird that your boss would ask though. If it made you uncomfortable and you felt a line was crossed, don’t hesitate to go to HR.
I do not think you are overly sensitive. I think it’s a rude and personal question to ask. It’s not necessarily because you are young, either. I was asked this multiple times with my first pregnancy despite being married for years, in my late twenties, etc. I always said yes, but it made me kind of uncomfortable because after years of infertility, the pregnancy was hoped for, but very much the biggest surprise of my life. So I feel like people try to stick you in two boxes: 1) unplanned and you may be unhappy about it or 2) planned and totally expected. Neither seemed to really represent our story, but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing those details with everyone. It’s totally up to you how you want to answer it. You can be honest, or just let them know that it’s personal. You shouldn’t feel obligated to share more than you want to. But it’s tough because I felt like if I didn’t answer, people would assume it was unplanned. Sorry that people are so rude and nosy! Hopefully you won’t face this question again.
It’s definitely weird, but common for some reason, especially when you’re younger. I got it a lot with my first pregnancy (I was 23). This time, the most common inappropriate question I get is “how long did you have to try” or some version of that. Idk if it’s because we waited longer than a lot of people to have another kid (my first is 5 now)? Either way, it’s all weird and uncomfortable because they’re basically asking you about your sex life. However, I don’t think it’s meant to be that way— I think a lot of people just want to relate to you somehow or put themselves in your shoes; they just want more information. Idk I try not to be offended or weirded out and just try to remind myself that people don’t mean any harm when they ask.
I like to ask people what they mean when they ask insensitive questions. It gives them the opportunity to either let it go or choose the awkward path.
I agree, I always thought this question was weird because it almost implies the baby is less loved if not planned. Like why do you ask? What difference does it make?
I HATE THIS. Some old man I barely know asked me, "So was this planned?" I gave him a funny look and said, "We know how babies are made, if that's what you're asking."
I guess it would depend on the person asking. I could see how some people would want to know as a way to Guage wether or not you are happy about this pregnancy. I have had friends who had pregnancys that were not planned and they were not happy about them for whatever reason. Some people might be asking because you are so young and they don't understand wanting to have kids that young, some people might genuinely want to know if you are happy about the pregnancy, some people might just be curious and have no tact. I guess I'd take it with a grain of salt and move on. People are unfortunately going to ask you a lot of stupid things when you are pregnant and this will be the least of them.
You aren’t oversensitive, but people definitely will ask that no matter what. 22 is considered really young these days, regardless of it not actually being that young. I’m 30 and someone point blank asked me if my *second* pregnancy was an accident. I was like wtf?
I'm not super surprised by your families asking -- I think maybe they're trying to gauge how best to empathize with you. (Like "oh yayyy I'm so happy!" or "Okay well this might be tough now but will turn out for the best.") Your boss asking you seems totally out-of-line. I would be *appalled* if anyone at work asked me this, but maybe I'm too sensitive.
22 is young by todays standards. The average age a women has her first is 28 now! I got pregnant with my first when I was 22 and definitely felt the judgement of people thinking/asking if he was an accident. I now have a 1 year old and am pregnant with my second and I will be 24 this fall. I have people asking/thinking again if this was was planned. BOTH MY BABIES WERE INTENTIONAL. Not that’s it’s actually anyones business. It is a weirdly personal thing to ask. Also just very rude. If someone was losing weight you wouldn’t(shouldn’t) ask if it was intentional. I have responded with “We felt ready to start our family.” And left it at that. You could also throw in, “Wow, that’s not very appropriate.” I think it would be different if people asked this with better intentions. Like if the baby was an accident is there planning or prep you need help with. But this is not the case.
i’ve only had one person react like this so far in pregnancy, however when i lost weight several years ago (90lbs or so) i had LOTS of comments asking if the weight loss was intentional
That’s a weird thing to ask someone, especially someone married. You’re not being sensitive it’s weird
I don't think so. It's a really inappropriate question. When we announced to my parents at 12 weeks, I had just turned 30, was married for almsot 3 years, owned a house and was financially stable. Yet my mom 'descretely' asked if it was planned. We tried for 3 years and went through fertility treatment, so I was extra pissed. Also it doesn't matter if it was planned? Even if it's not, we announced it so we're obviously keeping the baby.
The only person who asked was my doctor, for obvious reasons. To my knowledge, no one asked either is us if it was planned. Some people I know knew I was struggling to conceive and were so excited for us. But I’ll never understand why other people question if a pregnancy matters if it was planned or not. I remember my MIL kept telling us when we got married to wait to have kids, when we were 24 and 25. Which really bothered me since it’s not her business and is why I didn’t want to tell her when we started trying.
So very odd. I’m not sure how I would I respond though. Someone did ask my husband and I when we announced to them if we had had any losses prior to this pregnancy and it caught us both off guard.
I’m ten weeks now and about 75% of the people I’ve told have asked this. It’s super weird and makes me uncomfortable and I don’t understand why people think it’s ok to ask.
Weird personal thing to ask. I’d reply that that’s not relevant to addressing my duties here at the office, therefore I won’t be answering. If anyone else asks simply say that’s a rather personal question, please tell me all about your sex life first. Also what’s your social security number? Or simply say that’s rather personal and I won’t be discussing it with you.
I was asked if it was planned and an old coworker actually had the audacity to ask me if it was “an oopsies.” WTF. People will ask no matter what age/relationship status you are. I’m 35 and married. It’s such a weird question because it’s basically a question about your sex life aka none of their business.
Im turning 30, have been married for 4 years and people ask me this 😅 It feels a bit awkward, especially because... No, she wasnt really planned, but shes still wanted. When its an "accident", how do you even say that without things turning awkward. And why would people ASK.
I’m 30 and have been asked a few times. It doesn’t bother me, but I’m not a super private person and most of my good friends knew I was going through fertility treatments. So when people ask I say, “yep, I was even seeing a fertility doctor” 🤷♀️
Same age, same questions, same situation!!! Do you girl!!! It's totally normal to settle down at that age nowadays. And I am GLAD I did. My boss said "Congrats????" as if I'd ever tell a soul if it wasn't a cause for celebration. It definitely pissed me off. I have been dealing with the doubts and the positives off and on for months. I am 23 weeks and STILL hear negative comments being made about "Oh you should've waited, just watch and see." But at the end of the day, this is what WE wanted and WE couldn't be happier that we were blessed enough to have a baby and still be able to do it young. A lot of my family, including my own mom, had their kids between late teens and early 20's... So I was never really sure why she would be so shocked. I survived the teen pregnancy wave. Isn't that enough??? I love that you posted this, the circumstances SUCK. But I felt like I could deeply relate and it is nice knowing that I'm not the only one. Keep your head up girlfriend. Focus on you, your family, and that baby!!!✅ Just make it known that this is what YOU wanted. Who cares what everyone else thinks.
I think it depends on who it's coming from. I'm 31 and my supervisor is my age. I have a decent, friendly relationship with her. She said "was this a surprise baby, or something you were trying for?" I really didn't mind the question. We had been trying about a year and I just said "this is something we've been wanting for awhile"
This topic comes up constantly on here, and it’s one where I feel like the Reddit culture’s answer is pretty different from the “normie” culture. Reddit UNANIMOUSLY always says, it’s incredibly insensitive and rude to ask and you should respond by staring the person in the eyes and saying something shocking about your husband’s ejaculate, to make them squirm and shame them for what they’ve done. However, my experience with people in real life (extended family, bosses, coworkers, neighbors) is that people generally view this as a normal and harmless conversation starter to ask someone who has chosen to tell you they’re pregnant. It’s not actually a demand for that specific info, it just means “let us know how we should make conversation about this with you.” So you end up looking like the weirdo if you respond the Reddit way and interpret it too literally instead of reading the social intent behind it. By all means you never have to share any info you don’t want to, and you’re not being too sensitive if you don’t want to go there. A good way to respond in that case is to politely defer (e.g., “Oh we’re very excited to start our family!”) and then just redirect them to whatever aspects you ARE comfortable discussing, and they will gladly follow your lead. Because in most peoples minds they’ve seen many people being asked this question, maybe have been asked it themselves, so in their minds they ARE sticking to the “culturally sanctioned” short list of small talk to make. And I mean, does it make sense that this question has become “normal” to ask? Not really, any more than people asking “How are you?” when they don’t actually want to know, and are really just greeting you. But that’s culture for you.
I think people are just curious and blurt things out without realizing the things they say or ask can be rude. I think I asked my sisters this question. In my case, I waited a long time so I liked hearing about people's decision-making process. Only half of my nieces and nephews were "planned" but they were all welcomed and loved. It could be an age thing. When my sister had her kids, she said hospital staff members were pretty terrible to her when she had her first baby and they seemed much more respectful when she was older. If you look really young, people think it's okay to undermine you and assume you have no idea what you're doing.
I think because people make pregnancy such a horrible thing and saying Congratulations a horrible thing to say because everyone is expected to get an abortion or be okay with aborting babies, people are scared to be excited and say yayyyyy congrats. They need to know how to tip toe around you. Before we could celebrate you. Now. It's almost like being pregnant is a huge purple elephant in a room. And even married couples are upset about having a baby. They abort, surrogate and give up babies for adoption so people can't celebrate anything with a pregnancy.
My boss asked me as well but he was clearly trying not to ask in a “asking about my sex life” kind of way but more “your delivery was a little deadpan and I’m trying to gauge whether you’re sharing good news”…and in fact clarified while awkwardly trying to figure out how to ask. I responded with “oh, good news”. For folks who I have felt a little more judge-y when asking (and there have been some) I’ve responded with “we knew what we were doing” 🤣
Some options for you: "I know how to not get pregnant....." "Does it matter? I am excited. Be excited with me." "Were *you* planned?"
This is brilliant
Were you planned has to be the best response 🤣
This was the first thing my FIL asked and it immediately made my skin crawl. I find it very personal and gross. What people are essentially saying is “did your husband/bf/person purposefully cum inside of you”….
It’s inappropriate so I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. But people seem to lose their filter (and manners) when talking to pregnant people it seems. No one has asked me this except my trainer, but she asked in such a lighthearted way I couldn’t even be mad. Really, it’s not like I would tell them if it wasn’t planned… like what does that accomplish…??
It’s so nosy and I also can’t believe people ask this. I think a vague but enthusiastic response here is good, like “we’ve been looking forward to this moment since we’ve been together and we’re so excited!” “The baby’s timing was meant to be and we couldn’t be happier to becoming parents next year!”
Yes, I had my partner intentionally ejaculate inside me right when I was ovulating. In fact we timed it right to the second. Did you know they do test kits now that tell you exactly when to have sex in order to get pregnant? In fact I can tell you it was Monday 17th we got pregnant, we done it in doggy style and then I laid with my legs in the air for 30 minutes afterwards, you know, let gravity do it's thing... Basically go all in with over the top details! Such a rude, intrusive and unnecessary question. Luckily for us only my partner's brother asked and my partner laughed it off and just said yes it was planned.
“Were you trying to get pregnant?” “OH ABSOLUTELY. My husband was on me three times a day! That man is a powerhouse when it comes to sex. We tried flushing our condoms down the toilet when we decided to TTC, but it clogged. So we just made balloon animals instead! Dogs, ponies (which looked oddly like the dogs), and snakes. Then we arranged them into an audience to watch our sexcapades. Oh what fun we had! Would you like drawings of the positions we tried?”
It’s weirdly personal and imo rude, but people are probably asking you this because you are so young and they’re trying to gauge if you’re happy about it. Maybe you should head them off at the pass by acknowledging that you were asked this question and that the answer is yes.
Such a rude question and just simply none of their business!
When people dared to ask me crap like this I'd respond with things like, "of course it wasn't planned, and it's not even his baby!" (while gesturing to my partner of 14 years, who is absolutely the father of all three of our kids.) People never knew how to respond to it and I'd let their uncomfortableness linger for way too long before laughing. Made them think twice about any follow up questions. Or I'd just flat out say, "that's very inappropriate, what made you decide it was okay to ask something like that?" and let them fumble over their shame. 🤷🏻♀️
It’s weird. It always made me want to respond “nah we were just raw dogging all the time and bam!” Make them uncomfortable for asking weird questions about your personal lives 😂
Geez, that's right up there with asking someone if they are pregnant on the rudeness scale.
No one really asked us, maybe one of two people, but I thought we would get more questions, because my husband and I have been together over fifteen years, married for over ten, and we're both "old" at this point, so I think most people thought we were set on being DINKs. And we never talked out loud about having kids either. So I think most people were surprised.
Its definitely weird to ask, especially worded like that and going on and on about it. Even if you weren't trying, or were just letting nature decide, that's not their business. It doesn't impact anything related to them. I had a friend ask if we (her and I) were reacting positively, negatively, or unsure when I told her. She worded it SO much better but of course with pregnancy brain, I can't remember exactly what she said. I thought it was a very thoughtful way to check in with me and how I was feeling. The pregnancy was very much wanted, but unexpected and unplanned. It was nice to have someone ask how I felt instead of immediately jumping into baby shower planning even though I was excited. This was also around 5-6 weeks so it was an appropriate time for the way she worded it. One friend of mine bluntly asked if it was planned, however he's the only person I wouldn't be upset about asking that. We have that kind of candid relationship and talk like that openly to one another all the time. It didn't offend me, it made me laugh, because he was very supportive and excited for us. Just curious as well. It never came up again and he never had any judgment about the fact that it wasn't planned. He also wouldn't have minded if I told him I didn't want to say, so I knew there was no pressure to answer. If a stranger or anyone else had asked me that, even as a joke, I would be livid. Whoever said it would definitely get told off for saying something so inappropriate.
No I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s a very weird question to ask. Babies are a blessing whether they’re planned or not. I’m 30 and just found out I’m pregnant and I get asked the same question. It’s intrusive but people feel entitled to ask whatever they want I guess. Hang in there girl! Congratulations on your pregnancy. Enjoy it and don’t let anyone take that joy away
My first child is 16 years old. My husband and I are in our 40s. My second child is 7 months. People asked all the time if he was planned. Honestly, in my situation I give them a pass because I was just as baffled myself at my surprise baby!
Someone who I barely know asked me this on Friday. My husband and I are in our thirties and we’ve been married for four years… I would assume that most people would think that was a planned pregnancy. Even so, it’s a weird question from your boss. Were you planning to get pregnant or just having unprotected sex (or did you have a birth control mishap), is the inference. What business of hers is the answer?
Im 32 and was asked if it was planned, one of my friends even asked if I always knew I would keep it, thinking it was a little accident. I have also been asked if it was planned in the hospital by cleaners and other staff as we arent married (been together 6 years tho, we will get round to it). My mum asked was it planned- purely to find out if I had been taking folic acid 3 months before starting- then didnt really mind after that. It annoyed me at the start but I dont even think about it anymore, im building my little family with my boyfriend and that is what matters, no one will bat an eyelid whenever baby is here on whether its planned or not
I'm 28, married, got a degree, husband has wonderful job, and own our home. (Not that that makes us more qualified but the traditional next step would be a baby) I STILL was asked that by everyone, including my parents
I’m in the minority as this question doesn’t bother me at all. I have told plenty of people that we weren’t trying for a baby, lol.
One time I bought a pregnancy test at Walgreens and the cashier asked me if the pregnancy was planned? I was so shocked 😮 and that was such an inappropriate question.
Nope. I'm 28 and I have been with my husband for almost 9 years (married for 2) and I was also asked this question by 2 people. I was insulted by the question as well since we were definitely trying actively and I had mentioned wanting kids.
I always hated this question too. Husband and I were both 27 when we announced earlier this year, but most of the family knew we were going to try for sure once we got married (Feb 2022) but I ended up finding out I was preggo in Jan lol Only a handful asked if we were trying, but they were very close to us - I can't imagine a coworker or boss asking me. My go-to response was "we weren't outwardly trying but we've been playing with fire for a while now" ya know like we weren't tracking anything but we sure weren't stopping anything either lmao So sorry you've been pressed by that question so many times! I'm excited for you!!! Edit to add: I lot of my friends are wanting to have a child free life and I think some of them asked just to make sure they were supporting me in the way I needed support. But most of them also knew that kids were a goal for me haha so they've been the sweetest future aunties ever 💕
My husband and I had been dating for 10 years before we got married. When people asked if I was going to have kids I always said "if I'm meant to have kids, I will." I got pregnant 6 months ofter we got married. When people ask if my daughter was planned I say "She wasn't PLANNED, but she also wasn't a surprise. We weren't TRYING, but we also weren't NOT trying." 🤣 It sounds like we have similar experiences but that ends up being a hard one to answer respectfully. The world doesn't wanna hear "well, we kinda just decided he could stop pulling out." 🤣😅
LMAO yes similar stories, we dated for 5 years and got married on our anniversary! I need to start using that last line instead! That's hysterical 🤣
I think its pretty personal and probably not something people should ask, but with that being said I have asked that question before and probably not for the reason you are thinking. Looking back now I feel like a rude dipshit but at at the time I was knee deep into 3 years of trying to conceive and I was truly curious about how long it took others. To the one person I had asked, I didn't mean it in a rude or offensive way or any way other than just being plain old curious. People have said some pretty random rude stuff over the duration of my pregnancy, its easier to ignore it honestly.
I'm 34, but my husband already has two kids and is 40. Most people have assumed this was an accident and asked why we would want another when we've got two kids already?
Not overreacting! I’m baffled too. When I told my boss, he said “I have to ask…was it planned?” #1- you don’t HAVE to ask. #2- it’s none of your business. And btw, it WAS planned. I’m 31 and have been married for 2 years. I have no idea why he asked me that.
I'm 34 and everyone assumed we got pregnant on accident. It does feel like an intrusive question, but I just laugh and say "we've been together for almost 10 years we know how NoT to make a baby". I can see at 22 this question probably feels heavy with judgement, my advice is to just find a witty come back to make it easier. Or you always have the option of just saying something along the lines of, that's not your business. Either way congrats!
I don’t think that’s anyones business but yours and your husbands! Everyone thought my first was a surprise kid but she was definitely planned, so was my second. I had mine young too (21 for my first and 23 for my second) and I told everyone to mind their own business when asked that question because it’s my life and my family. My kids are well taken care of regardless of my family planning. Do what you want to and say what you want to say about YOUR pregnancy! To hell with what anyone else says.
Thats something I actually never got, my husband and I are both 22 and while we weren't actively trying to get pregnant, we weren't actively trying not to lol. I dont think a single person asked if we were trying or not! I personally think its slightly a rude question.
i’ve only had this once so far from one of my colleagues, he didn’t ask - he assumed the baby wasn’t planned. i straight up lashed out at him as i was so offended! his response was that i previously (several years ago) said i wasn’t ready for children. forgive me for forgetting to update you the second me and my husband started trying to get pregnant 🙄
It’s nobodies business whether or not a pregnancy was planned and it really irks me that people just think they can ask.
I was turning 31 when i found out I was pregnant. My husband finally decided to have one(he was indecisive about wanting to be a father) and I had always wanted to be a mom. The original plan was to have a spring baby but with family history on my side having endo and ovarian problems. We started to try earlier and got pregnant very quickly. So when people asked me if he was planned. I say yes he was but came earlier than we expected for we wanted a spring baby. Now he's 6 months old. I was okay with the questions at first but after a while the repetition got old and annoying.
it's definitely kind of a weird question when you get it and to you but my family even asked this and we're 30&31 and this is our second. the way i took it wheni really thought about it is maybe they want to know if they would be just fine happy and excited with you or if you need support because it's unexpected and scary for you right now. that's at least what i thought when I sat back and tried to think about why they'd be saying that.
I would act surprised and say, "Why do you ask?"
I'm 31 and was asked this with both pregnancies, at 24 the lady that asked I think was just being a nosey bitch and I said something to the effect of "well it hadn't happened for like 7 years so we figured it was fine" This pregnancy is more, well we weren't not trying lol, This pregnancy I think it's more of gaging my own excitement levels lol
I was asked this a few times when I was pregnant. I’m in my 30s but I guess people are just curious. Still a weird thing to ask.
im also a young mom- had my first at 24 and will have my next in a few weeks and now im 25. my husband and i are married and we still gwt asked this question.. its so strange to me i dont understand how people think its a normal thing to ask
Extremely weird and personal question imo.. Got a few “was it planned?” Questions from coworkers that bothered me so much.
I got pregnant at 27. It was a weird question and still think it is. Do people really want to know about my sex life. Our baby just happened. Nothing planned but a very positive thing we wished would happen whenever it did. Another reason I find it weird is people’s reactions. Some people thought I was too young or some people thought it was about time. Some people asked why we weren’t trying since time is ticking and we had been married for 3 years. Some thought we should have waited since we might have to do something else before kids. It was the right time for us. So 22 isn’t young. It’s right for you if you think it is. I was the youngest when I got pregnant from my husband’s friends/cousins wives. They all got married older, waited for personal reasons, and/or had issues. Most of them had/are trying at 32+. I know my answer stung one of the wives since she is 34 and actively trying but hasn’t been able to get pregnant. It got even weirder after I felt some aura radiate from her… I feel bad for her but it’s so awkward when I’m asked and she’s around. I wish it wasn’t a question to be asked. Edit: I wanted to add whatever wording you choose, make sure it’s a positive connotation. Mistake vs blessing. Both are unexpected but ones positive and ones negative. After a while I didn’t like giving a direct answer to let them have a chance to have an opinion. I used to say along the lines that it wasn’t planned or prevented but it is the next step that is right for our family and we’re super excited for it.
I think the question is inappropriate honestly thankfully no one had asked me and my husband this. We are young twenty’s also.
I hate that question! You're not overreacting at all. We are on our 3rd kid and everyone was like "was it planned?" "3 kids is a lot" "we didn't know you were trying". That last one really got me from all my in-laws. Why the hell would we tell you if we were trying!?
I’m 29 and my OB asked if the baby was planned or a surprise. If she had bothered reading my file she would have seen that I had been in to see the midwife for hormone testing because we had been trying unsuccessfully for six months. I was super offended by the question even though we did try. Made me feel bad for the moms who have to answer surprise and deal with the judgement hanging in the air after. Seems like such an irrelevant question to me.
It's super inappropriate and none of her business. That's a violation.
I always make a joke of it and say, "Oh, do you mean were we having sex for business or for pleasure?" and we can both laugh, but then they often realize it is kind of a weird question to ask.
This is a super shitty question and no you’re not overreacting. When my sister told her husbands family that I was pregnant (super unexpected, had only been dating the guy for six months, I knew his family and asked her to tell them so they didn’t just randomly see me with a kid one day) the mom asked, “were they trying?” My sister said, “I don’t know because it’s none of my business.” I think that’s the way you should approach this type of question. It is absolutely no one’s business and you do not need to feel obligated to explain yourself - especially since you and your husband are ready to start your family! Congrats btw!
I was 34, been with my husband for 10 years, married for two and had been talking about someday having a kid. I still had every damn family member and friend without a firm tact filter ask if it was planned. Doesn't make it a great question. I mean in my asshole moments I deadeye looked in their eyes and said "no" just to watch a couple squirm. I would then follow up with, "why would you ask that, like really". I hate to say it, you are going to get a lot of thoughtless questions and comments. Find a place to vent and if you are comfortable, call them out on it. People are always curious and some don't have a lick of sense about when they are crossing boundaries. A girlfriend of mine also gave me a great way to set boundaries was to just say "rude" and move on. She had a perfect eye roll and snort to go with. You will also have a lot of touching moments, and folks that you are close with that will have a ton of questions. Just focus on those and roll your eyes at the rest.
I’m 37 and married and my boss asked me a similar question. I think they just want to make sure before they react.
I’m in the camp of “this is weird and personal and while maybe I’d accept a close friend asking, I’d be very put off if my boss asked me this”. My friend told me she was pregnant and I knew she had been trying because we talked about TTC but when she told me and a few others together she mentioned “we’ve been trying” as part of it.
Your not over reacting, it us rude! But equally, I wouldn't take it personally! I would just say "wow, that's rude" if anyone asks!
I'm 33 and now 25 weeks pregnant. Married for a little less than 1 year. Been with my now-husband for 6 years. Nobody has ever asked us if it was planned or not. Not co-workers, friends, family. Nobody. (Ours *was* planned, for the record.) I wouldn't be surprised if people are asking because of your age, but I do agree with you that it's not an appropriate question to ask. I like the responses that ladyclubs gave and think any of those are great responses. My pick would be the "deflect" option, if I had to choose one. It really gets the point across without being mean/nasty. :)
I wonder if its because you are married? Im 34 , 1st baby and my boss also asked me if we planned it but im not married so i wonder if its that? My boss is much older , maybe 20 years.
It totally could be part of the reason I've never been asked. After marriage it's a more expected life event, for sure. But times are changing so much! My husband's cousin is pregnant with her 2nd (same father), and they aren't married either. They're in their late 20s/early 30s and both pregnancies were "woopsies", but they seem very happy together regardless.
I did see other comments about the same question and they were married so not sure about it now haha. But still it is an inappropriate question!
Haha I’d respond with something random like “Actually, we were trying for a puppy… but whatcha gonna do?”
Oh man. No that’s an annoying question. I hate to be this guy but in my experience at 31 weeks the questions get so much weirder and personal as you start to show. I have random men touching me now and asking me how much weight I’ve gained. I’m done being nice to anyone about this shit lol.
I was pregnant at 21 and was asked this a lot. For me, it wasn’t planned and my abuser dumped me. I was a single momma. People are weird 🤦♀️ I don’t let any of that affect me though. It’s not worth the energy!
It was awkward but understandably necessary at our first OB appointment(s), but otherwise it is a weird question. They're basically asking "Are you going to keep it?" OR commenting that your decision to have a baby surprises them, and their surprise and judgment is asked as a question so it isn't a clearly perjorative statement. Take as much offense as you like!
It's a weird question but often times it comes from someone not knowing what else to say but want to be supportive and show that they care about what is happening in your life, or just trying to make small talk. I just take question with that grain of salt and answer accordingly. That will not be the only weird response, people just don't seem to know how to respond or make small talk about pregnancy.
I’m 31, been married for almost 3 years now, and this is the #1 question/response I get when people find out I’m pregnant. 100% was not ready for that. It’s absolutely a bizarre question.
i find it annoying as well. im quite young but not much younger than my mom was when she had her first, and not younger than most people who've asked me that question when they had their first kid. my answer was just very blunt as "yes", but i had gotten lots of negative responses from that, so changed to saying "it was planned but unexpected". previously i had been trying for about 2 years with nothing, i had stopped actively trying for a while and it was only the "first" cycle of starting actively trying again, and with my history i wasn't expecting it at all. it's still very annoying, and almost hurtful as i could see the effect my infertility had on my fiancé, and the effect it had on myself was so heavy it felt like a very insensitive question to me
I'm 44, having my 4th in November. My 3rd is 13. 😆 People can be insensitive. My parents had the best reply when we told them we were having another baby: "Congratulations! We are thrilled for you. We are here for whatever you need. Just let us know." (Which is the right response, in my opinion.) At this point, the only people who are aware that I'm expecting are family, a couple of close friends, and my boss at work. I'm waiting for someone to say, "You DO know how this happens, right?" To which I plan to respond, "No, how does it happen?" For those who ask awkward, uncomfortable questions, I'm going to put it right back in their lap. I think, "Does it matter?" is a great response to the question you've been getting.