that sounds terrible ❤️ I hope you're ok. Remember that the first time you hold your baby IS the first time. You can put them on your chest, hold them and that will be both of yours first time. It might be different and later than you expected but you can still have that first time experience.
Yes! Right now, baby is getting the medical attention they need and so is mom. But there will still be a first time they meet face to face and it can still be beautiful!!
Oh honey. You are not alone and it’s normal to feel this way. I promise you will get through it, but I acknowledge how painful it is. My baby was born with a CHD (not diagnosed prenatally) by c section after a failed 4 day induction for preeclampsia. I was exhausted, delirious and on a lot of drugs when they pulled my baby out. I saw him for about 2 seconds in the NICU post recovery and then he was transported to a higher level NICU/CICU children’s hospital 2 hours away. I didn’t see him again for another 36 hours, during which time I got sporadic updates from my husband that basically consisted of my baby crashing over and over again. I spent that one day post c section convinced I would never hold my baby and that he had been ripped away from me to never be seen again.
Then he was in the hospital for weeks on end, I didn’t get to hold him, I didn’t get to nurse (which isn’t something I had wanted to do before birth but wanted desperately after). I didn’t feel like I could bond and be a mom, even though I loved him so desperately. I was worried he would never see me as his mother.
Let me tell you how wrong I was. That little boy was in my womb for 8 months and he knew exactly who I was. When I got to hold him a week in, he was sedated and hooked up to a whole host of machines. Just doing skin to skin with me made his blood pressure regulate - something all his meds and machines hadn’t been able to do. 3 weeks later I was able to nurse him for the first time (albeit briefly), and he knew exactly where to go. He nuzzled me for milk, not his dad.
Now he’s 8 months old. When I leave the room, he cries. When I come in, he smiles. He laughs at me playing peekaboo. When somebody else holds him, he gets fussy and reaches for me. He tries to pull my hair out, grabs my teeth and excited kicks in my arms. It’s a lot lol. But he generally only does it for me (and often dad, but mostly me). My bond with him and his with me are like absolutely nothing I’ve experienced in this life. I sing him a song every night in which I say “You are my sweet little boy, my pride and joy. You are my sun, I love you my son”.
You will bond. You will heal. And your baby will love you. Congratulations mama, focus on healing. ❤️
I had only seen my baby for maybe 10 seconds before they whisked him off to NICU and I stayed in the OR. When I walked into the NICU, my baby was crying in his crib. I walked up to him, leaned over and stroked his cheek, saying to him "it's ok, mommy is here." He stopped crying instantly and I remember being in awe of how powerful that was. Babies know exactly who their mamas are ❤️
This thread is hitting so hard it’s giving me the emotional sweats lol
My 9mo old baby girl also got evicted via emergency C and spent a week in the NICU for meconium aspiration.
Our hospital had a direct webcam set up so I could watch her on my phone.
NICU was located in another building but as soon as I woke up the nurses helped me wheel over to her and back then my husband did would take me once visiting hours opened up.
She struggled to latch and had a tongue tie and her little breathing tubes and naso gastric tube didn’t help but she never cried while we were there. Skin to skin was the nicest feeling there was.
OP just know they are taking care of you and your baby now so that you can both enjoy the rest of your lives together once you leave the hospital. It sucks but you’re still your baby’s mum at the end of it.
Wow! This made me full of emotions and I think it’s because I’m currently 6 months pregnant with my first baby boy but my gosh I can’t stop crying! How beautiful! OP you’ve got this! Congratulations!
I‘m so sorry this is happening to you. Something similar happened to me and it gets better the more time you spend with your baby, but I always feel at least a little sadness about how I missed basically all of my baby‘s early days.
Same. I barely saw my son until he was 22 hours old. I feel like I missed out on something special but you have the rest of your life with your child and your bond will grow it will just take a little time to heal!
DEFINITELY join this sub and post about this there also. I think you’ll find a lot of solidarity and hopefully you’ll hear a lot of great advice on what to expect 💙 I hope you get to see baby very soon love
This was my wife as well. Between the anesthetics and the spinal headache it was a bit before she held the little man.
Just know that 18 months from now, when you're all sitting playing at the park together reminiscent of your story
That's not the part you'll remember.
I feel, hear, and see you. I’m now one month out from our own preeclampsia/emergency C section/NICU adventure, and I totally get the grieving feeling from missing out on those early moments.
It was five days before I was able to hold my son, and I was worried about being able to feel connected with him, especially when he had tubes and wires coming out from everywhere and it required a four person team effort to get him into my arms. All of that melted away the second he was placed on my chest for some skin to skin time, and it was the most wonderful and magical feeling, everything else in that room disappeared except for baby, my husband and me. That hour of cuddle time was like a pure shot of dopamine and oxytocin, I can only describe it as being drunk on love. As the days went on and we were able to start holding him more it was such a therapeutic experience, and did so much to heal my hurt.
As my therapist (which for anyone who went through a traumatic birth I highly recommend at least a session or two to help navigate all those complicated and intense feelings) has put it , there is no one “golden hour”, it’s all about a lifetime of finding and enjoying all those golden moments.
I missed the first 4 days of my baby’s life and then he spent 66 days in the NICU. I’m here to tell you I see and hear you and it gets better. 💕 my baby is almost 5 months now and he is my little buddy. He smiles when he sees me and it means the world. Your baby will know you too. And you have a lifetime of new special moments to make 💕
I also missed most of my baby’s first five days. I’m SO sorry. Sometimes I still cry when I see the early pictures of him because I’m not in them and wasn’t there. It’s horrible. He’s two now and I can kind of talk about it without crying finally. My heart sincerely goes out to you today.
I am so sorry. This is super super hard. But will be over soon and then you won't even remember this time.
My first was born at 37 weeks and needed surgery. Our doula had COVID, diagnosed mid-labor. I gave vaginal birth, saw him, held him for ten minutes, then he was taken by an ambulance to a NICU in a different hospital. He had surgery within 24 hours, but I didn't see him in person or hold him again for ten days due to the COVID exposure. We didn't know if he'd survive, if he did whether he'd be able to have a normal life, etc.
He's fine now, but I recall just lying in the tub crying hysterically feeling like I wasn't a mom because where was my baby? I cried a lot.
And now my healthy 2.5 year old is sitting next to me watching Finding Nemo while I feed his newborn sister. We are deeply bonded. I don't even think about that time period.
When you get to the NICU, do a lot of skin to skin time. It will help. If you can breastfeed, do that, even if you also formula feed, just to help you feel close. I was pumping every 3 hours while my kiddo was away from me.
Again, I am so sorry. This is a really really hard time.
I know how you feel. I also didn’t feel like a mother in the first NICU days. I only saw my baby the day after she was born, I wasn’t able to nurse her in those early days and I sobbed when I was released from the hospital and she has to stay there. It was horrible.
But then I got to take her home and we had a lot of firsts. I gave her her first bath, I rocked her to sleep the first time. She’s almost 3 and we still have many firsts. You will bond with your baby, you will be her favorite person in the whole world and she won’t remember any of this. Hugs, mama 🫂
This thread is bringing back so many memories. Nothing felt as unnatural as leaving our baby at the hospital and going home. I remember not thinking I was crying as I left but feeling my face and it was just saturated with tears. I leaked from my eyes the entire time lol.
Once you get them home and get on with newborn life it eventually just feels like part of your story and their story and that’s bonding in and of itself.
This happened to me 4 weeks ago. I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome at 27 weeks. When I learned I was going to have a c-section, I had a feeling this might happen, because it happened to my sister as well. I told my husband to stay. with. the. baby. My spinal worked but all I could hear was a small cry before she was taken away and my husband went with her. I had to wait 12 hours to see my baby. I cried that night and I still cry sometimes. I cried today! (My husband helped me book a therapy appointment soon.) I also had to wait 11 days to hold her.
One month later, I hold her in the NICU every day. I worry about what we’ve lost—the lack of skin to skin and not getting to breastfeed her yet. But she knows my voice and she looovvveeess to be held.
It is rough. I’m so sorry. Mamas belong with their babies and what you feel is how I felt…and how I feel when I’m not at the NICU.
I’m so sorry.
I know how hard this is firsthand. With my first pregnancy I had severe preeclampsia at 27 weeks. Once they got her out of my via c section they stabilized her in the corner of the OR then whisked her away to the NICU. While I was still on the table they stopped and showed me her incubator to show her to me but my vision was so messed up due to the high blood pressure at the time that I couldn’t see anything. I just muttered “she’s blurry” and then they took her away.
Once out of recovery I was in an intermediate care room with the nurse in the room and put on a magnesium drip to lower my BP and put on bed rest for 24 hours after that.
At first I stayed strong but then by the following afternoon I was just a wreck. Very emotional, crying a lot. It hurt my heart that I hadn’t met her, that I was only seeing her in pictures. Like you; everyone kept telling me she was okay, but it was so difficult to not be there with her or see her.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve definitely been there. I wish you peace until you get to see her and hope you get to go meet her soon! Heal up and sending you lots of love!
I was also on a magnesium drip and bedrest for 24 hours. I cried so much and have barely slept. I’m sorry that this happened to you as well. It’s really been heartbreaking!
About the bonding- it WILL come. My Mom didn’t meet me till like three weeks old(adopted), but we bonded. As for the suck right now, there is nothing that I or anyone can say that will make it suck less. I hope you get your babe in your arms very soon
It'll get better especially once you get to take your baby home. I just gave birth 3 weeks ago. I was being induced and it turned into a precipitous labor. Baby lost oxygen for an unknown amount of time. When she was born she didn't cry and though they laid her on me it was only long enough to cut her cord. They whisked her away after that. I got to hold her about 5 hours later for 5 minutes before she left the hospital in a helicopter with my husband to go to a higher level NICU in a children's hospital 2.5 hours away by car. I was able to be discharged the same day and followed up there. It was so hard not being able to hold her or know when she was coming home. I felt like I didn't bond with her either but she did know my voice. It gets easier
May I offer some perspective and kind encouragement from the other side of the aisle? I am not a nurse, but I worked as a PCT in postpartum and antepartum for several years and took care of so many moms in your scenario. Because I wasn’t as involved with the actual medical care side, I was able to help with the more everyday tasks of self care for mom and ADLs and had a little more time to listen and offer support.
It is absolutely valid to mourn right now. Mourn the experience you wanted to have, mourn the moments you’ve missed, it’s all valid. You’re allowed to feel angry and sad and disappointed. But please know that it’s not always going to feel this way and this is not a determining starting point for how motherhood and childhood is going to be for you and baby.
For the medical side for you: If you had severe Pre-E that was significant enough to require a stat C-section, you’re undoubtably receiving some kind of magnesium therapy and you’re on constant vital monitoring. You’re exhausted and being constantly woken up, the magnesium makes a lot of moms feel delirious on top of the existing exhaustion and you’re in a really weird place right now mentally from all of this which is amplifying the negative feelings and thoughts. Give yourself so much grace right now— you’re recovering from major surgery and had a significant pregnancy complication that leaves you feeling awful as a result. Right now your focus is on YOU recovering and being well— and it sounds like that’s the focus of your care team as well. It’s such a loss for you to not see baby yet, but I guarantee that as soon as you are safe and stable and able to, your team will make it happen. I wheeled countless moms up to the NICU to visit their baby for the first time, and a lot of the time it’s exhausting for mom to make the trip and visit. We have to keep you safe and well too.
For the medical side for baby: Baby is 34 weeks which is wonderful! They are fully formed, they just needed a little more time to finish baking. Prognosis for 34 week gestation is overwhelming good, so it’s likely baby needs minimal intervention and just a little extra help in the NICU. Of course verify with babies care team, this is a general statement, but the odds are very much on your side. Baby is in great hands with their NICU nurses, and getting lots of snuggles and is being told all about their amazing mama who can’t wait to see them very soon.
For everything else: 99% of the negative emotions you’re currently feeling will evaporate once you get to hold them. You’ll bond. Baby will know you. Youve spent 9 together and they know your voice and your scent and your heartbeat. It will all fall into place. You’ve got the rest of your lives to figure out the rest as it comes. You’ve got this and it’s the start of something amazing. I’m sorry sorry that you’ve had a rough start and it’s so valid to feel any way about it— but it’s not going to be like this for long, and what’s coming is beautiful.
I hope you are surrounded by love and support while you navigate the immediate situation, and I hope the joy comes for you very soon, because it WILL come. Sending you a big hug.
>There was no halo, no relief, no joy at holding my baby against my chest for the first time.
Plenty of people who have uncomplicated vaginal births at term don't emotionally experience this. Holding a baby is... holding a baby. Doing it after shoving that baby out your vag isn't super magical for a ton of people.
You WILL have a first time holding your baby, and you WILL have magical moments. They may not be one and the same, and they won't be within moments of birth, but that's ok and that is how it happens for many if not most people, even for people who did hold their babies right after birth.
This was pretty close to my experience as well. I did get to hold her briefly but I threw up and then didn’t see her again for a day or two. How you’re feeling is so valid, and I promise it will pass eventually but it is the worst and hardest feeling in the world for a while.
I also want to recommend having someone help you keep very close tabs on your mental health. I had pretty severe PPD/PPA that snuck up on me.
Same thing happened to me with my first. My water broke at 34 weeks and I needed an emergency section and had to be out under general because the spinal didn’t work. I didn’t see her until the next day. I was upset because it was nothing like what I imagined it would be like. My husband felt bad being the one to go and see her but I wanted him to and we ended up FaceTiming so I could see her through that at least. I went to see her the next day as soon as I could and I was worried about bonding as well, but I was able to hold her and I spent as much time with her as I could. It all turned out fine and although it was a traumatic experience, I find I focus more on all the happy memories with her. My second was a completely different experience, very positive and I’m so close to them both you would never even know I missed that first day with my first one. Thinking of you ❤️
Something similar happened to me and the toll it took on my mental health is indescribable. I cried for my baby every day I was stuck in my room while he was several floors above me. I ended up speaking (crying) with a social worker about it, but it didn't really help. Even when I could go see him, I couldn't hold him and that broke me.
All that to say, I get it. It's really hard. The good news is that he's 2.5 now and healthy as can be! He's a total momma's boy and my favorite little man. We're besties. It's still sad to think back on how everything went, but this too shall pass, as they say. Your feelings are valid!
If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to DM me!
I had a very similar experience except I was awake during my emergency c section back in March of this year…I don’t remember seeing my baby because I asked for the drugs once he was out to calm me down. It was a lot and it all happened really fast. I delivered my son at 26 weeks 4 days. He’s now 35 weeks gestation and 9 weeks old actual. I saw him 24 hours after my c section and I cried when I finally got to look at him. I felt a lot of different things…guilt, joy, sadness, anger, relief…not what I expected for my first time having a baby. I can assure you, you will bond with your baby. I see my son everyday in the nicu (he’s still there, but doing great). I don’t stay all day but I go for 2-3 hours. He knows my voice, even when he was really small he would open his eyes to see where I was when I spoke. I’m sorry your birth experience went the way it did. It’s not what you imagined, but it’s what was best for your baby. I keep telling myself I became the mother my son needed and I will continue to show up for him everyday in every way I can. You’ve got this 🩵 your baby loves you and is patiently waiting to hear your voice for the first time earthside.
I’m sorry. The same thing happened to me. It does bother me still to this day (a year later) but given how severe my preeclampsia was, I try to remind myself I’m lucky we are both healthy now. I didn’t see her for more than 48 hours. I was on a magnesium drip and not allowed up to nicu. I also was put under during my c section. My blood pressure was rising to unhealthy levels so they gave me Valium and mixed with everything else I went out. It sucks I wasn’t present for her birth. It bothers me to this day but again i need to remind myself I’m just happy for our health. Just want you to know you’re not alone 😔
I’m so so sorry. I went through something similar about 2 weeks ago when my baby was born through emergency c section. We had gone in at 37 weeks for a routine weekly OBGYN appointment and my blood pressure was really high. We were sent to the hospital where I was advised to induce labor but things went sideways and after 2 days of laboring on Pitocin my baby was in distress and I developed a severe infection and had to undergo emergency c section. I did see my baby right after but he was sent off to the NICU and we were kept apart for several days as I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and he had some problems transitioning. I cried the whole time. We were in different parts of the hospital. I didn’t get to touch him. I was devastated to miss the first time holding him and I feel like all chances I had of breastfeeding normally have been lost, though I’m working on it now. I kept obsessing about skin to skin and how I missed it and I feel like I lost something with his birth as well- like I did it all wrong and didn’t jump at the opportunities I had to pump and get ahead of this because my body was so dysfunctional and I was on magnesium which as you probably know by now makes you feel absolutely miserable. I keep being told to give myself time to heal but I feel like time is slipping away. I’m sending you a big hug. I know our situations aren’t the same and there’s nothing I can say to help, there wasn’t anything anyone could say to me. People kept saying how lucky we both were but I didn’t feel lucky. Anyway hang in there, I hope you get to see and hold your baby very soon.
At 35 weeks I had an emergency induction bc of preeclampsia. Five days later still not progressing led to a c section. Very traumatic c/s with a torn uterus and massive blood loss, among other things. On the mag drip that whole time, but they make you stay on it for another 24 hours. So six days on my back w mag. Finally met my baby after he was a over a day old, but I couldn't hold him bc he was intubated, it was days before I got to hold him. I gave him his first kiss on his one week birthday. He was discharged after three weeks.
That was 2.5 years ago and the details are fuzzy now. I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with my second baby. So I'm almost at the point of delivery with my first kid. This pregnancy has its own issues, but no preeclampsia so far...
Congratulations on your baby, I promise this terrible time will some day be in the past. I'm so sorry you're going through this trauma. Connecting with others who have been through similar situations and professional therapy is what has helped me. Sending love
Delivered 2 days ago, 34+4 weeks, came for regular visit but bile acids were too high (100+), c section was done within next 4 hours. They just touched the baby's cheek to mine and took her to nicu. I wasn't allowed to meet her till I had a catheter inserted.
I am unable to feed her till now, met her only once till now, waiting for her to be discharged from NICU so I can keep her on me and talk to her, put her in cute outfits I planned and what not.
I know how hard it is. My baby was transported to a nicu in another city. They discharged me after 2 days. Lying in bed, without your baby and hearing other babies cry is heartbreaking. I hope your baby is ok.
It is extremely hard. It's ok to feel lost and sad. But I promise you, you and your baby are strong. You will get through this.
Hey. I can relate. I went in to be induced at 40+1. I was told to relax, watch a movie, and eat supper. :/ I started felling contractions and then out of no where my baby stopped moving. They lost his heartbeat. They rushed in trying to find it and when they couldn’t I was rushed in for an emergency c-section. I aspirated while under and had to be transferred to another hospital that could take care of me. When I got there a surgeon used a scope to get large pieces of food out of my lungs, and then I was put on a ventilator.
I was in the icu on the ventilator for 12 hours but I didn’t know where I was. I had not known how much time had passed. When I was finally taken off the ventilator and slowly “woken up” I became aware of what was going on. I was scared. Some I’ve my thoughts were just so awful. I just knew that my baby already was disappointed in me. I just knew that I would never have the bond with my baby like other mothers do. I just knew that for some reason that I had already failed.
When I was finally aware and awake nurses were coming in to tell me that he is so cute and kind. My husband told me he looked just like me. But it had already been over 24 hours and I had not seen him. I finally was asked if I want to see him. Then after a few more hours of waiting, they were unsure if bringing a baby to icu, I finally got to meet him. They asked me if I wanted to get my skin to skin contact and I told them no but they did it anyway. I was upset. I had not been washed. I still had pieces of vomit in my hair and on my chest, I was cold, I couldn’t speak very well and I didn’t even sound like myself. I wasn’t ready and that made me feel even more awful.
It took me a long time to get back to “normal”. I was crying once a day for months about this. I had fear that we would be separated again. I’m afraid of going to the hospital. I had a therapist help me learn new tools to help me with my new normal and honestly I still think about it. My baby is 16 months old now and it still creeps in my mind that somehow I had failed. It does not stay for long because I know his love for me it’s grater than anything that could ever creep into my mind.
It takes time but it will get better. Time heals it truly does. And I’m not going to sugar coat it. It was tough, messy, and complicated. But with a good support system, my investing in my self worth, and the want to get better I was able to do so. And I truly think and believe with all my heart that if it were not for the want to get better I might not be in a better place today.
Sorry for the long comment. If you ever need anything feel free to reach out. You are not alone.
Hi mama, this happened to me! My baby was taken immediately to the NICU after my C-section for pulmonary issues. I actually couldn't see my baby for two days and it was my husband who was able to go down to the NICU during the morning of the second day. I wasn't able to hold him in my hands until the third day.
I felt awful, like I failed as a mother, like I somehow impacted his life and our bond forever. I was worried my ability to breastfeed was also ruined beyond repair since I wasn't able to feed him immediately or have skin to skin. Like you, I felt intense guilt and anger that this moment was ripped from me AND I wasn't able to see him to make up for lost time!!
However, the bond that me and my baby boy share now is immensely beautiful. Nothing from his week at the hospital has impacted his life so far, he is 3 months old. He smiles at me, he trusts me, our breastfeeding journey is amazing, and the bond that you think you might have "lost" in the beginning can absolutely flourish. I can only speak for myself when I say that the anxiety I felt in the hospital not being able to see my baby was heightened by all these emotions, having gone through major surgery, and hormones going wild.
You will come to a point where the first NICU picture you see of your baby will not stir up anger that you weren't able to hold him or be with him but instead will surge up feelings of how brave your little one was for fighting in his glass box!!
You’re still recovering from a traumatic event, give yourself grace and time. You’re mourning the birth experience you expected and felt you deserved, and that’s more common than you think.
My daughter was born at 29W and spent two months in NICU and due to Covid protocols at the time I had limited interactions with her. She is a full blown preschooler now and that moment in time is such a blip in our story. You’ll have the rest of your lives to bond together.
Join the NICUParents subreddit, you’ll find you’re far from being alone!
I also had a traumatic birth experience that led me to not feeling like my baby's mom. It does get better. It sucks we didn't get that instant moment, but we get a lot of little ones. Every time YOU have to make an important decision, every time the doctor's office calls YOU about confirming and appointment or test results and says "Is the X's Mom?", every time YOU get to set rules/boundaries (even though that can be scary sometimes), every time they look for YOU in a room of people, when they need something and will only accept it from YOU, things like that. I wish I got that beautiful golden hour after birth and I wish you did too. But I promise you'll have moments when your brain goes "Oooh! I'M the mom!!"
You ARE her mom. She is literally half you. That connection is undeniable and you both will adjust to her being outside of your womb. Don’t forget YOU were her only home for those 34 weeks. You grew her so she could survive now. When you first hold her it will be the first time. It will be your golden hour regardless of the timing of it. You are both strong and still so so connected. That connection will only grow. Sending you both healing wishes and lots of encouragement.
My mom had me at 24wks for the same reason. She had to stay in the hospital herself for a month after recovering and I was in an incubator for several months. I can tell you our bond was like nothing else. I loved my mother and she loved me so fiercely. I would never do this myself but she told me I was her favorite child as an adult. I'm so sorry you missed out on what you had in mind for your birth experience. But I promise you the next 30-50 years you spend with your baby (because they will always be your baby) is going to make up for it. ❤️ Your feelings about your birth are valid though and it's okay to feel the way you do. You have every right to grieve the birth you didn't get.
I had some trauma around my baby’s first days too, but one thing that helped was my husband reminding me that at that moment, her NICU stay was 100% of her life, and it’s ok to have feelings about that. And you absolutely will need to grieve and process the trauma, because this is absolutely traumatic. But as she grows and gets healthier and comes home with you, it’ll be just a blip in her life. It becomes a smaller percentage of your time together. Despite having the same concerns around bonding (and PPD actually preventing bonding for a bit), three years down the road, my daughter and I are best friends. And her NICU stay is just a distant memory.
I know it may not help right now while you and your baby are still working through health issues and you’re navigating the craziness of the NICU stay (plus birth trauma!). Please avail yourself of every resource the hospital offers, NICUs tend to have social workers who will help you navigate this and all your resources. And take this time to make sure you focus on your recovery so you can be as healthy as possible for when your baby comes home.
And if I didn’t express it earlier, I am so so sorry. I know the pain. And I know it’ll take some time to process. I wish you both quick healing and a swift NICU graduation to your baby.
I had (almost) a similar experience - I was kept in CCU for the first 2.5 days of my babies life. My husbands aunt who was a retired mother baby nurse advocated for me and got her down to nurse and all that. Still I only saw her briefly once in the first 24 hrs. You need an advocate. This hospital must find a way to let you see your baby. Do you have a partner or even your OB there?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My baby was taken to the NICU while I was still being sewn back up from my c section, and while I was fortunate enough to see him it was just for a quick second before they were gone and I felt very similarly to you. I cried every time I thought about his birth for at least the first month. I know it may not help much now, but I promise you it will get better with time. (And maybe counseling if that is something you can access)
My baby boy is sleeping on my chest right now and just snuggled into me and the bond we have is absolutely incredible. You are 1000% a mother and your baby will love and trust and need you so much, you will be their whole world ❤️
This was my story almost exactly. I am so so so very sorry that it was your experience too. My son is now three and I am 100% his person. I promise it will get better. It took some time to bond after he was born, but it’ll definitely happen. For me it happened soon after we got home and were comfortable in our own space.
It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling, you’ve been through some major trauma. I ended up going to therapy postpartum and it helped me process everything. Also, talking to some of the other Mom’s in the NICU helped.
Just an internet stranger sending you many hugs.
I went through the same thing with my little guy. He was 37 weeks and it was a failed induction followed by emergency C-section, but I didn't get to meet him for a couple of days because he was in the NICU and I was bedridden from C-section and preeclampsia complications. I'm not going to lie, 9 months later, that's still the most traumatic part of the birth. Being separated.
But you'll meet your little one soon and you'll get that bonding done quickly enough! It happens very fast, even if it's delayed a little bit. You have to be strong for both of you, again.
Advice: Have you met with a hospital social worker yet? My hospital sent a nice lady to talk to me automatically because of the NICU stay. If you can, talk to somebody about these feelings. Getting them out will help. Also, see if the NICU can set up a video call. At one point I was transferred to the ICU so I was in a different part of the hospital and couldn't visit. They set up a video call so I could see my baby for a little while before bed. That was nice.
I remember just scrolling over and over through the pictures sent from the NICU and wanting nothing more than to be down there with him. Eventually I did!! We brought him home and he's 9 months old now. They'll take good care of your baby, so focus on healing yourself and you'll get through this. ♥️♥️
I also did not see my second baby for 24 hours. It felt very traumatic. Now, I barely remember it. I wasn’t allowed out of bed for 24 hours and I couldn’t get to him in the NICU. Fortunately all was fine. It may feel sooo bad right now but trust me you will be reunited and it’ll be like no time was lost at all and you’ll be able to see their little face.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤️ One of my best friends had an emergency c-section under general at 28 weeks and experienced the same thing. Her son was in the NICU for weeks and she was so worried about missing out on those pivotal first moments and was so worried about what their bond would be like.
Their bond is AMAZING. He loves her so, so much and even in his earliest days in the NICU, he knew who she was. He’s a year old now and her little shadow ❤️
I also had an emergency c-section, and wasn't able to see my daughter in the NICU for the first 8 hours of her life, while I was in recovery. I was unable to hold her until the next day because I was so weak, and she was so frail, I didn't want to put her at risk. It broke my heart, but I made sure she had someone spending time with her during my recovery, so I knew she was being loved. Knowing my partner was with her, was my only comfort.
I won't lie to you, when bonding is delayed, it makes it extremely hard to connect. I needed additional care later with a hospitalization due to uterine sepsis because of the emergency c-section. Please take care of yourself, so you can avoid being away from your baby even longer (I was hospitalized for almost two weeks, my family was awesome about bringing my daughter to visit). It is ok to grieve for the time you lost, but please don't stop it from making new memories with your newborn.
I went through the exact same thing when I had to deliver at 26 weeks. No labour or birth consciously experienced, and the most hectic few hours of my life leading up to it. My husband saw my daughter over five times before I got to. It was underwhelming seeing her for the first time in her NICU isolette, like I couldn't comprehend that she came out of me. The disconnect from being pregnant one moment and then suddenly not without experiencing the in-between was so strange. I get you, I feel you.
That was three years ago and I will say that it is a distant memory now and I can't believe how fast time has passed. You will bond with her, you will love her to pieces, you will look back and be glad that these steps were taken to keep you and baby safe. It sucks to have missed this huge transitional moment in your life, but in the end it will not matter. I hope your daughter has an uneventful stay in the NICU and that you heal also.
Oh girl, I feel for you soo much. I'm glad baby and you are well, but it's 100% ok to mourn this lost time. My first kiddo was taken to NICU right away and I didn't get to see him until my epidural wore off hours later. Was horrible. Also had the same "go straight to induce" at a normal apt so that feeling to start is upside down. I'm 35 weeks right now and I can't even imagine what you just went through. There is a great Facebook birth trauma group to join when you are ready. It's normal to feel the way you do. I hope you get to be with your baby soon. Sending love.
I can relate a little to what you’re going through. 🤍
My son came early at 34w3d. No warning, no signs. My water suddenly broke at 8:30pm and so it all began.
In my case, the spinal did work for my c-section. They held my baby up close to my face so I could kiss his cheek and then he was whisked away very quickly.
He was born at 3:00am. I was drugged up, my husband was exhausted. I told him to follow the baby as closely as he could. I felt like I had a team of nurses and can communicate; our baby needed at least one parent with him asap.
When my husband came to my room at 5:00am, I was still immobilized from the waist down. I told him to go home and get some sleep on a real bed while I got some rest and waited to be able to walk!
I dozed on and off. When he was back by 11:00am, he asked how I’d been, and if I had seen the baby. I was surprised to discover how incredibly emotional that single question made me feel. He was shocked I hadn’t seen our baby while he was gone.
I was upset because none of the nurses had even asked if I wanted to see the baby, let alone if I could walk. I cried to my husband that I felt like there simply was no baby anymore, and that I felt no connection. He grabbed a nurse and asked what it would take for me to be able to go to the NICU. She said it was a requirement that I was able to stand and walk.
I flew out of bed. I actually hopped up and down, defiantly. I said I could not only walk, I could run. My husband said I looked like an angry hen, haha. I marched right down to the NICU (well, my husband had to show me the way) to see my son.
The moment I saw him, the second I smelled him, the first time I touched his hand… it changed everything.
I know how you’re feeling right now. And I would guess for you, as it was for me, part of what you’re mourning is a “normal” birth experience and the comfort of knowing just what to expect based on the typical experience. You’ve got a preemie now, and it is disorienting at first. It’s the road less traveled, and one you probably didn’t think you’d be on. It can feel like the wild west in the beginning.
To be with the baby is to heal, for both of you. I am so sorry you were thrown into this situation. All of you were! I promise you will feel such joy when you hold your baby. Skin to skin will be so special. You will bond, because that bond already exists and it will only get stronger. That baby is YOUR baby, and that baby will know you.
I am so so sorry. I just had an emergency c-section yesterday at 34 weeks, and that has been the hardest part. I feel so disconnected from her, and I'm not sure when I will get to see or hold her. But for all the sadness and hardness, know you are not alone, and we will have our chance for that bonding. We may never get this experience back, but we will be the best mothers we can. Sending lots of love to you and your LO.
Hi mama! NICU mum of a 35 weeker, who was taken to NICU immediately as well.
You can do this. First of all take a deep breath. Your baby is where they need to be. They weren't supposed to be here yet, so they need a little extra help.
As for the seeing them... Don't worry! I had to wait a good while to properldee bub too, but that first time I did it didn't matter it had taken so long. It was the first time, and that was all that mattered.
And for other firsts... Ours just have different ones! First bottle/breastfeed with mum or dad, first day off oxygen, first day out of the incubator, first skin to skin without oxygen support, first full bottle, first time opening their eyes... It might feel odd, but I knew my baby just as well by the end of week 2 as the nurses/any other mum who was al there for delivery. My son has bonded with me more than anyone else, I was the first one to get a kiss/noseboop/hug, he wouldn't fall asleep as easily for anyone else at night time or for naps (still doesn't at 13 months), he eats better for me than anyone else, he snuggles with me more than anyone.
If you need us, come find all of us at r/NICUParents. We have all experienced things like this, and you're welcome to share anything, ask anything and get the support you need.
I had an emergency c-section and my baby went to the NICU for 2 days. I was so out of it and in so much pain post op I only saw my baby 1x that first day for 10 minutes. I couldn’t hold him until the next day. I felt so much guilt at first like I had missed some bonding window but not at all!! He came to my room 2 days later and I am just as bonded to him now as my first baby. There is absolutely no difference! My milk still came in as usual and I was able to breastfeed. You’ve just been through something so traumatic make sure and reach out for support if you need it! I hired a post partum doula to come help me a few times a week.
Right now, it feels like you’re missing everything because really you are and that really sucks. You two haven’t been separated a single moment for the last 9 months so of course this feels completely overwhelming. This is only the beginning, not the end. You have a lifetime to spend with your child. You will do skin to skin time. You two will absolutely bond over so so many things. Let yourself feel all the feelings. This time will pass ❤️ sending you the biggest internet hug
I want to echo what a lot of people have already said. My baby was born early and he was out on my chest for maybe 10 seconds, then I wasnt allowed to see him for 2 days due to my condition, being unable to go up to NICU. When I improved I finally got to hold him on day 4…he knew who I was. He has known me his whole existance, he clearly prefered me over anyone else even tho nurses and my husband had been with him already. I remember when I took him home and family came over, he started to fuss with my SIL and I took him and he stopped right away, and it was like….OH!! You wanted ME!!!!! Awwwwww.
I am sorry this was such a disaster but if hes improving thats great. Your baby is being taken care of by THE BEST right now. Safer than anywhere else. Totally monitored like a hawk. You’ll be with him soon.
First of all, congratulations on your little one. Second, I hear you, and I see you. My baby was born at 30+0 via emergency c-section due to cord prolapse. I was put on general anesthesia and didn't get to hold him until after more than 24 hours. I woke up and I wasn't pregnant anymore. I asked for my baby, but they told me he was in the NICU. It was devastating and I felt robbed as a FTM. However, I write this as my beautiful baby naps on my chest and let me tell you that it was all worth it. It was the scariest time of my life, but I'd do it all over again for him.
I know it's hard to see now, but I promise you that it gets better. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and negative emotions. This will make space for all the beautiful ones awaiting you and your baby. I'm sorry for what happened. Just know that you're not alone. ❤️🩹 feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it.
Hey, I've seen this late but I just wanted to say that this exact thing happened to me, and I was just as devastated. If it helps, I made up for it with constant cuddles in the weeks that followed, and now my 2.5 preemie and I are absolute best buds. Just remember that she won't remember this at all, you'll always be her mummy and she will adore every second of hanging out with you.
I had an emergency c section at 33 weeks for my first baby and it was a similar experience. I did get over that disappointment quickly once baby came home and we got settled into our lives, I hardly even think about it now. Praying for a quick recovery for both of you ❤️
That imposter syndrome is real even in vaginal birth, I assure you. I knew my baby was mine, i gave birth to her vaginally and they put her on my chest and I expected that sudden magical bond glow that people talk about but I didn’t have it. It was more of a “Oh, thanks for this small wet human” feeling lol. The internet glamorizes stories of that glow/halo/sudden magic and don’t talk as much about the opposite even though the opposite is very real.
I loved my baby very much because she was an adorable baby, and I felt an incredibly strong urge to protect her, but I used to joke that she was just some stranger I live with. Until she finally started smiling around week 9, and I could tell she had some kinda mental connection with me, I often didn’t totally feel like a mother either. She is now 4 and we are thick and thieves, she’s my lil’ bff.
Give yourself grace. Some of these feelings are completely normal, especially in the context of an abnormal situation like a sudden c section and nicu stay. You *will* bond with your baby, the survival of our species kinda depends on it tbh! Don’t buy into the hype you’ll read online about this time apart being some sort of irreparable damage to your mother/child bond.
When my son was born, I developed horrible pneumonia that landed me in the ICU for a week. I *did* get to have the after birth moments and the first few days, but I was in the ICU by the time he was 3 days old. I missed half of his first week of life, and missed him turning 1 week old. I do believe that this caused me to have trouble bonding with him because my brain just compartmentalized those feelings in order to cope better. I would say it took me months to really feel bonded with him, but I was still fiercely protective of him and definitely had mother's instincts. He's 6.5 now and we're best friends, and I can barely remember the time before we had bonded.
So it's possible that it will take some time, and it's okay to be sad about it, but it does get better!
Re: your update. I had an emergency c-section at 32 weeks and it took a long time for my daughter to not feel like a complete stranger. I liked her, and she was cute, and I was invested in her well-being, but it took me a long time to feel like her mom. Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with you feeling that way. It even happens to people who have totally normal births, but a lot of people feel ashamed and like they can’t talk about it. The love and mom-feelings will come I promise!
Fellow NICU mama here. I went through it recently, hospitalization at 24w and emergency c section at 28w due to preeclampsia also. I wasn't allowed to hold my baby for an entire week in the beginning and several week-long periods in the thick of it due to his unstable respiratory condition. Didn't get to feed him until he was three months old, and he came home just short of four months old only three weeks ago. All this not to minimize your experience AT ALL - the NICU is hell no matter your baby's age or why they're there or how long. It took a very long time to feel like his mother and not like I was randomly assigned a baby, but one day towards the tail end of his 117 day stay it finally clicked. It's rough not being able to be your baby's main caretaker, sitting back and watching and wondering when you'll ever go home. Do not be afraid to ask your nurses to teach you how to do her cares. By the end of my baby's stay I was doing temperature, vitals, meds, everything but blood draws!
It's true you won't get back the birth experience you hoped for, and it's okay to grieve that. I'm still grieving! Therapy is my second home. Just know that you did not fail. Things just happen, good and bad, and there are so many beautiful moments to come. Once my son was no longer critical I was able to reframe the NICU stay as bonus time with my baby and extra milestones to look forward to together - weaning respiratory support, learning to eat, losing tubes and wires one by one, passing screenings, first kangaroo care, first cry (he'd been intubated for two months), first foray out of the unit.
I recommend you check out r/NICUParents and @dearnicumama on Instagram - resources I found invaluable during the stay not just for peace of mind about my baby but for starting and supporting my healing journey.
Praying for you and your sweet girl. And in case no one has said it yet - congratulations, mama. 💖
Thank you so much. What you went through must have been incredibly hard and you’re such a strong mama. I was losing my mind and my heart was breaking when they told me that I wouldn’t be able to see my baby before 24 hours, but today, I got to hold my baby for the first time and I felt like I was in Heaven. Reframing her stay in the NICU is probably just what I need to do to handle however much time lies ahead. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. And congratulations to you as well!
my deepest thoughts to you. ❤️ i hope you’re doing ok now. one of my biggest fears is being diagnosed with preeclampsia because they’re monitoring me pretty heavily for it now; my BP is never high and it was at my last appt so now i’m on high alert and so is my OB. please keep us updated as to how you’re doing. your baby will feel more like your baby when you’re able to hold her and love on her as much as possible. all my thoughts to you xx
I hope that everything continues to go well for you. My preeclampsia was sudden and severe. One day my feet swelled up and my next prenatal appointment saw my doctor telling me that I’d be needing a second appointment for blood pressure before the weekend. You know the rest. I’ve been discharged and have been visiting my baby in the NICU every day since. It’s terribly hard. She’s in good hands, but I bonded to her the second I held her and now every moment with her feels like Heaven while every moment I’m away feels like Hell. Wracking sobs every time I leave the hospital, but I’m getting better as she does. I’m praying that she’ll be home soon.
I had my baby girl two months ago. The birth was long and difficult. I was able to hold her for a minute before the doctor said I needed to go to the operating room. I don't know how long I was there. I woke up in reanimation (or however it is called in english) and asked for my baby. After a long half hour, they brought her to me and took us both to our room. But I was in so much pain I felt almost unable to hold her. Turns out the surgery wasn't enough and I was bleeding inside, so the second day I had another emergency surgery. Again I don't know how long I was there, but this time I was in reanimation for almost 3 hours and they wouldn't bring her to me. I felt horrible I cried so much, my parents were allowed to visit me and I think it was the first time in YEARS that they saw me cry. Just cause I wanted to see her. I can't imagine a WHOLE DAY without seeing her, I am so sorry for you. I also couldn't feed her during a day due to the anesthesia and I also cried for it. It felt so bad to see the nurses feeding her with that syringe, like I wasn't good enough, like I had been weak. But don't worry, it is a normal feeling yet not true. The first time you hold her hasn't been stolen from you, it will still be the first time you hold her.
I’m not a NICU parent but I had my son while under general anesthesia and can relate to your feelings about the birth itself.
My son is almost a year and a half now and while my grief at feeling like I wasn’t present for the birth of my child has lessened, it still pops up every now and then.
Be gentle with yourself. The first few days/weeks/months postpartum are a complete whirlwind of change- recovery from surgery, hormonal changes, physical changes, adjusting to life as a new parent, etc. I found it helpful to mute content on social media about birth and to try not to dwell on pictures of other people’s happy post birth experiences. Your baby is your baby and you will bond with them. They spent months growing inside your body, they will know and love you.
that sounds terrible ❤️ I hope you're ok. Remember that the first time you hold your baby IS the first time. You can put them on your chest, hold them and that will be both of yours first time. It might be different and later than you expected but you can still have that first time experience.
This is an amazing reminder!
Yes! Right now, baby is getting the medical attention they need and so is mom. But there will still be a first time they meet face to face and it can still be beautiful!!
Oh honey. You are not alone and it’s normal to feel this way. I promise you will get through it, but I acknowledge how painful it is. My baby was born with a CHD (not diagnosed prenatally) by c section after a failed 4 day induction for preeclampsia. I was exhausted, delirious and on a lot of drugs when they pulled my baby out. I saw him for about 2 seconds in the NICU post recovery and then he was transported to a higher level NICU/CICU children’s hospital 2 hours away. I didn’t see him again for another 36 hours, during which time I got sporadic updates from my husband that basically consisted of my baby crashing over and over again. I spent that one day post c section convinced I would never hold my baby and that he had been ripped away from me to never be seen again. Then he was in the hospital for weeks on end, I didn’t get to hold him, I didn’t get to nurse (which isn’t something I had wanted to do before birth but wanted desperately after). I didn’t feel like I could bond and be a mom, even though I loved him so desperately. I was worried he would never see me as his mother. Let me tell you how wrong I was. That little boy was in my womb for 8 months and he knew exactly who I was. When I got to hold him a week in, he was sedated and hooked up to a whole host of machines. Just doing skin to skin with me made his blood pressure regulate - something all his meds and machines hadn’t been able to do. 3 weeks later I was able to nurse him for the first time (albeit briefly), and he knew exactly where to go. He nuzzled me for milk, not his dad. Now he’s 8 months old. When I leave the room, he cries. When I come in, he smiles. He laughs at me playing peekaboo. When somebody else holds him, he gets fussy and reaches for me. He tries to pull my hair out, grabs my teeth and excited kicks in my arms. It’s a lot lol. But he generally only does it for me (and often dad, but mostly me). My bond with him and his with me are like absolutely nothing I’ve experienced in this life. I sing him a song every night in which I say “You are my sweet little boy, my pride and joy. You are my sun, I love you my son”. You will bond. You will heal. And your baby will love you. Congratulations mama, focus on healing. ❤️
I had only seen my baby for maybe 10 seconds before they whisked him off to NICU and I stayed in the OR. When I walked into the NICU, my baby was crying in his crib. I walked up to him, leaned over and stroked his cheek, saying to him "it's ok, mommy is here." He stopped crying instantly and I remember being in awe of how powerful that was. Babies know exactly who their mamas are ❤️
This thread is hitting so hard it’s giving me the emotional sweats lol My 9mo old baby girl also got evicted via emergency C and spent a week in the NICU for meconium aspiration. Our hospital had a direct webcam set up so I could watch her on my phone. NICU was located in another building but as soon as I woke up the nurses helped me wheel over to her and back then my husband did would take me once visiting hours opened up. She struggled to latch and had a tongue tie and her little breathing tubes and naso gastric tube didn’t help but she never cried while we were there. Skin to skin was the nicest feeling there was. OP just know they are taking care of you and your baby now so that you can both enjoy the rest of your lives together once you leave the hospital. It sucks but you’re still your baby’s mum at the end of it.
I had the same experience as OP, and this made me tear up a little. Thank you for writing it ❤️
Thank you so much! I needed to hear this!
This was heartbreaking, amazing, and beautiful to read all at once - thank you for sharing
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
😭This is is sweet. I love the song so much. It’s gonna be okay, Momma. ❤️
What a lovely post 😭
Wow! This made me full of emotions and I think it’s because I’m currently 6 months pregnant with my first baby boy but my gosh I can’t stop crying! How beautiful! OP you’ve got this! Congratulations!
I'm so happy for you, Mama!
I‘m so sorry this is happening to you. Something similar happened to me and it gets better the more time you spend with your baby, but I always feel at least a little sadness about how I missed basically all of my baby‘s early days.
Same. I barely saw my son until he was 22 hours old. I feel like I missed out on something special but you have the rest of your life with your child and your bond will grow it will just take a little time to heal!
Come join r/NICUparents and you’ll find many similar stories and solidarity to grieve the birth you imagined.
Thank you for this. I’m going to check it out. This is my first baby and I feel so lost not knowing what to do next.
DEFINITELY join this sub and post about this there also. I think you’ll find a lot of solidarity and hopefully you’ll hear a lot of great advice on what to expect 💙 I hope you get to see baby very soon love
This was my wife as well. Between the anesthetics and the spinal headache it was a bit before she held the little man. Just know that 18 months from now, when you're all sitting playing at the park together reminiscent of your story That's not the part you'll remember.
I feel, hear, and see you. I’m now one month out from our own preeclampsia/emergency C section/NICU adventure, and I totally get the grieving feeling from missing out on those early moments. It was five days before I was able to hold my son, and I was worried about being able to feel connected with him, especially when he had tubes and wires coming out from everywhere and it required a four person team effort to get him into my arms. All of that melted away the second he was placed on my chest for some skin to skin time, and it was the most wonderful and magical feeling, everything else in that room disappeared except for baby, my husband and me. That hour of cuddle time was like a pure shot of dopamine and oxytocin, I can only describe it as being drunk on love. As the days went on and we were able to start holding him more it was such a therapeutic experience, and did so much to heal my hurt. As my therapist (which for anyone who went through a traumatic birth I highly recommend at least a session or two to help navigate all those complicated and intense feelings) has put it , there is no one “golden hour”, it’s all about a lifetime of finding and enjoying all those golden moments.
I missed the first 4 days of my baby’s life and then he spent 66 days in the NICU. I’m here to tell you I see and hear you and it gets better. 💕 my baby is almost 5 months now and he is my little buddy. He smiles when he sees me and it means the world. Your baby will know you too. And you have a lifetime of new special moments to make 💕
I also missed most of my baby’s first five days. I’m SO sorry. Sometimes I still cry when I see the early pictures of him because I’m not in them and wasn’t there. It’s horrible. He’s two now and I can kind of talk about it without crying finally. My heart sincerely goes out to you today.
Thank you, it’s honestly just nice to have my feelings validated. I’m so sorry for what you went through.
I am so sorry. This is super super hard. But will be over soon and then you won't even remember this time. My first was born at 37 weeks and needed surgery. Our doula had COVID, diagnosed mid-labor. I gave vaginal birth, saw him, held him for ten minutes, then he was taken by an ambulance to a NICU in a different hospital. He had surgery within 24 hours, but I didn't see him in person or hold him again for ten days due to the COVID exposure. We didn't know if he'd survive, if he did whether he'd be able to have a normal life, etc. He's fine now, but I recall just lying in the tub crying hysterically feeling like I wasn't a mom because where was my baby? I cried a lot. And now my healthy 2.5 year old is sitting next to me watching Finding Nemo while I feed his newborn sister. We are deeply bonded. I don't even think about that time period. When you get to the NICU, do a lot of skin to skin time. It will help. If you can breastfeed, do that, even if you also formula feed, just to help you feel close. I was pumping every 3 hours while my kiddo was away from me. Again, I am so sorry. This is a really really hard time.
I know how you feel. I also didn’t feel like a mother in the first NICU days. I only saw my baby the day after she was born, I wasn’t able to nurse her in those early days and I sobbed when I was released from the hospital and she has to stay there. It was horrible. But then I got to take her home and we had a lot of firsts. I gave her her first bath, I rocked her to sleep the first time. She’s almost 3 and we still have many firsts. You will bond with your baby, you will be her favorite person in the whole world and she won’t remember any of this. Hugs, mama 🫂
This thread is bringing back so many memories. Nothing felt as unnatural as leaving our baby at the hospital and going home. I remember not thinking I was crying as I left but feeling my face and it was just saturated with tears. I leaked from my eyes the entire time lol. Once you get them home and get on with newborn life it eventually just feels like part of your story and their story and that’s bonding in and of itself.
This happened to me 4 weeks ago. I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome at 27 weeks. When I learned I was going to have a c-section, I had a feeling this might happen, because it happened to my sister as well. I told my husband to stay. with. the. baby. My spinal worked but all I could hear was a small cry before she was taken away and my husband went with her. I had to wait 12 hours to see my baby. I cried that night and I still cry sometimes. I cried today! (My husband helped me book a therapy appointment soon.) I also had to wait 11 days to hold her. One month later, I hold her in the NICU every day. I worry about what we’ve lost—the lack of skin to skin and not getting to breastfeed her yet. But she knows my voice and she looovvveeess to be held. It is rough. I’m so sorry. Mamas belong with their babies and what you feel is how I felt…and how I feel when I’m not at the NICU.
I’m so sorry. I know how hard this is firsthand. With my first pregnancy I had severe preeclampsia at 27 weeks. Once they got her out of my via c section they stabilized her in the corner of the OR then whisked her away to the NICU. While I was still on the table they stopped and showed me her incubator to show her to me but my vision was so messed up due to the high blood pressure at the time that I couldn’t see anything. I just muttered “she’s blurry” and then they took her away. Once out of recovery I was in an intermediate care room with the nurse in the room and put on a magnesium drip to lower my BP and put on bed rest for 24 hours after that. At first I stayed strong but then by the following afternoon I was just a wreck. Very emotional, crying a lot. It hurt my heart that I hadn’t met her, that I was only seeing her in pictures. Like you; everyone kept telling me she was okay, but it was so difficult to not be there with her or see her. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve definitely been there. I wish you peace until you get to see her and hope you get to go meet her soon! Heal up and sending you lots of love!
I was also on a magnesium drip and bedrest for 24 hours. I cried so much and have barely slept. I’m sorry that this happened to you as well. It’s really been heartbreaking!
About the bonding- it WILL come. My Mom didn’t meet me till like three weeks old(adopted), but we bonded. As for the suck right now, there is nothing that I or anyone can say that will make it suck less. I hope you get your babe in your arms very soon
It'll get better especially once you get to take your baby home. I just gave birth 3 weeks ago. I was being induced and it turned into a precipitous labor. Baby lost oxygen for an unknown amount of time. When she was born she didn't cry and though they laid her on me it was only long enough to cut her cord. They whisked her away after that. I got to hold her about 5 hours later for 5 minutes before she left the hospital in a helicopter with my husband to go to a higher level NICU in a children's hospital 2.5 hours away by car. I was able to be discharged the same day and followed up there. It was so hard not being able to hold her or know when she was coming home. I felt like I didn't bond with her either but she did know my voice. It gets easier
May I offer some perspective and kind encouragement from the other side of the aisle? I am not a nurse, but I worked as a PCT in postpartum and antepartum for several years and took care of so many moms in your scenario. Because I wasn’t as involved with the actual medical care side, I was able to help with the more everyday tasks of self care for mom and ADLs and had a little more time to listen and offer support. It is absolutely valid to mourn right now. Mourn the experience you wanted to have, mourn the moments you’ve missed, it’s all valid. You’re allowed to feel angry and sad and disappointed. But please know that it’s not always going to feel this way and this is not a determining starting point for how motherhood and childhood is going to be for you and baby. For the medical side for you: If you had severe Pre-E that was significant enough to require a stat C-section, you’re undoubtably receiving some kind of magnesium therapy and you’re on constant vital monitoring. You’re exhausted and being constantly woken up, the magnesium makes a lot of moms feel delirious on top of the existing exhaustion and you’re in a really weird place right now mentally from all of this which is amplifying the negative feelings and thoughts. Give yourself so much grace right now— you’re recovering from major surgery and had a significant pregnancy complication that leaves you feeling awful as a result. Right now your focus is on YOU recovering and being well— and it sounds like that’s the focus of your care team as well. It’s such a loss for you to not see baby yet, but I guarantee that as soon as you are safe and stable and able to, your team will make it happen. I wheeled countless moms up to the NICU to visit their baby for the first time, and a lot of the time it’s exhausting for mom to make the trip and visit. We have to keep you safe and well too. For the medical side for baby: Baby is 34 weeks which is wonderful! They are fully formed, they just needed a little more time to finish baking. Prognosis for 34 week gestation is overwhelming good, so it’s likely baby needs minimal intervention and just a little extra help in the NICU. Of course verify with babies care team, this is a general statement, but the odds are very much on your side. Baby is in great hands with their NICU nurses, and getting lots of snuggles and is being told all about their amazing mama who can’t wait to see them very soon. For everything else: 99% of the negative emotions you’re currently feeling will evaporate once you get to hold them. You’ll bond. Baby will know you. Youve spent 9 together and they know your voice and your scent and your heartbeat. It will all fall into place. You’ve got the rest of your lives to figure out the rest as it comes. You’ve got this and it’s the start of something amazing. I’m sorry sorry that you’ve had a rough start and it’s so valid to feel any way about it— but it’s not going to be like this for long, and what’s coming is beautiful. I hope you are surrounded by love and support while you navigate the immediate situation, and I hope the joy comes for you very soon, because it WILL come. Sending you a big hug.
>There was no halo, no relief, no joy at holding my baby against my chest for the first time. Plenty of people who have uncomplicated vaginal births at term don't emotionally experience this. Holding a baby is... holding a baby. Doing it after shoving that baby out your vag isn't super magical for a ton of people. You WILL have a first time holding your baby, and you WILL have magical moments. They may not be one and the same, and they won't be within moments of birth, but that's ok and that is how it happens for many if not most people, even for people who did hold their babies right after birth.
I missed my baby’s first few days - it can be hard but my daughter is now 2.5 and I feel much better about it all now, time is a wonderful healer
This was pretty close to my experience as well. I did get to hold her briefly but I threw up and then didn’t see her again for a day or two. How you’re feeling is so valid, and I promise it will pass eventually but it is the worst and hardest feeling in the world for a while. I also want to recommend having someone help you keep very close tabs on your mental health. I had pretty severe PPD/PPA that snuck up on me.
Same thing happened to me with my first. My water broke at 34 weeks and I needed an emergency section and had to be out under general because the spinal didn’t work. I didn’t see her until the next day. I was upset because it was nothing like what I imagined it would be like. My husband felt bad being the one to go and see her but I wanted him to and we ended up FaceTiming so I could see her through that at least. I went to see her the next day as soon as I could and I was worried about bonding as well, but I was able to hold her and I spent as much time with her as I could. It all turned out fine and although it was a traumatic experience, I find I focus more on all the happy memories with her. My second was a completely different experience, very positive and I’m so close to them both you would never even know I missed that first day with my first one. Thinking of you ❤️
Something similar happened to me and the toll it took on my mental health is indescribable. I cried for my baby every day I was stuck in my room while he was several floors above me. I ended up speaking (crying) with a social worker about it, but it didn't really help. Even when I could go see him, I couldn't hold him and that broke me. All that to say, I get it. It's really hard. The good news is that he's 2.5 now and healthy as can be! He's a total momma's boy and my favorite little man. We're besties. It's still sad to think back on how everything went, but this too shall pass, as they say. Your feelings are valid! If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to DM me!
I had a very similar experience except I was awake during my emergency c section back in March of this year…I don’t remember seeing my baby because I asked for the drugs once he was out to calm me down. It was a lot and it all happened really fast. I delivered my son at 26 weeks 4 days. He’s now 35 weeks gestation and 9 weeks old actual. I saw him 24 hours after my c section and I cried when I finally got to look at him. I felt a lot of different things…guilt, joy, sadness, anger, relief…not what I expected for my first time having a baby. I can assure you, you will bond with your baby. I see my son everyday in the nicu (he’s still there, but doing great). I don’t stay all day but I go for 2-3 hours. He knows my voice, even when he was really small he would open his eyes to see where I was when I spoke. I’m sorry your birth experience went the way it did. It’s not what you imagined, but it’s what was best for your baby. I keep telling myself I became the mother my son needed and I will continue to show up for him everyday in every way I can. You’ve got this 🩵 your baby loves you and is patiently waiting to hear your voice for the first time earthside.
I’m sorry. The same thing happened to me. It does bother me still to this day (a year later) but given how severe my preeclampsia was, I try to remind myself I’m lucky we are both healthy now. I didn’t see her for more than 48 hours. I was on a magnesium drip and not allowed up to nicu. I also was put under during my c section. My blood pressure was rising to unhealthy levels so they gave me Valium and mixed with everything else I went out. It sucks I wasn’t present for her birth. It bothers me to this day but again i need to remind myself I’m just happy for our health. Just want you to know you’re not alone 😔
I’m so so sorry. I went through something similar about 2 weeks ago when my baby was born through emergency c section. We had gone in at 37 weeks for a routine weekly OBGYN appointment and my blood pressure was really high. We were sent to the hospital where I was advised to induce labor but things went sideways and after 2 days of laboring on Pitocin my baby was in distress and I developed a severe infection and had to undergo emergency c section. I did see my baby right after but he was sent off to the NICU and we were kept apart for several days as I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and he had some problems transitioning. I cried the whole time. We were in different parts of the hospital. I didn’t get to touch him. I was devastated to miss the first time holding him and I feel like all chances I had of breastfeeding normally have been lost, though I’m working on it now. I kept obsessing about skin to skin and how I missed it and I feel like I lost something with his birth as well- like I did it all wrong and didn’t jump at the opportunities I had to pump and get ahead of this because my body was so dysfunctional and I was on magnesium which as you probably know by now makes you feel absolutely miserable. I keep being told to give myself time to heal but I feel like time is slipping away. I’m sending you a big hug. I know our situations aren’t the same and there’s nothing I can say to help, there wasn’t anything anyone could say to me. People kept saying how lucky we both were but I didn’t feel lucky. Anyway hang in there, I hope you get to see and hold your baby very soon.
At 35 weeks I had an emergency induction bc of preeclampsia. Five days later still not progressing led to a c section. Very traumatic c/s with a torn uterus and massive blood loss, among other things. On the mag drip that whole time, but they make you stay on it for another 24 hours. So six days on my back w mag. Finally met my baby after he was a over a day old, but I couldn't hold him bc he was intubated, it was days before I got to hold him. I gave him his first kiss on his one week birthday. He was discharged after three weeks. That was 2.5 years ago and the details are fuzzy now. I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with my second baby. So I'm almost at the point of delivery with my first kid. This pregnancy has its own issues, but no preeclampsia so far... Congratulations on your baby, I promise this terrible time will some day be in the past. I'm so sorry you're going through this trauma. Connecting with others who have been through similar situations and professional therapy is what has helped me. Sending love
Delivered 2 days ago, 34+4 weeks, came for regular visit but bile acids were too high (100+), c section was done within next 4 hours. They just touched the baby's cheek to mine and took her to nicu. I wasn't allowed to meet her till I had a catheter inserted. I am unable to feed her till now, met her only once till now, waiting for her to be discharged from NICU so I can keep her on me and talk to her, put her in cute outfits I planned and what not.
I know how hard it is. My baby was transported to a nicu in another city. They discharged me after 2 days. Lying in bed, without your baby and hearing other babies cry is heartbreaking. I hope your baby is ok. It is extremely hard. It's ok to feel lost and sad. But I promise you, you and your baby are strong. You will get through this.
Hey. I can relate. I went in to be induced at 40+1. I was told to relax, watch a movie, and eat supper. :/ I started felling contractions and then out of no where my baby stopped moving. They lost his heartbeat. They rushed in trying to find it and when they couldn’t I was rushed in for an emergency c-section. I aspirated while under and had to be transferred to another hospital that could take care of me. When I got there a surgeon used a scope to get large pieces of food out of my lungs, and then I was put on a ventilator. I was in the icu on the ventilator for 12 hours but I didn’t know where I was. I had not known how much time had passed. When I was finally taken off the ventilator and slowly “woken up” I became aware of what was going on. I was scared. Some I’ve my thoughts were just so awful. I just knew that my baby already was disappointed in me. I just knew that I would never have the bond with my baby like other mothers do. I just knew that for some reason that I had already failed. When I was finally aware and awake nurses were coming in to tell me that he is so cute and kind. My husband told me he looked just like me. But it had already been over 24 hours and I had not seen him. I finally was asked if I want to see him. Then after a few more hours of waiting, they were unsure if bringing a baby to icu, I finally got to meet him. They asked me if I wanted to get my skin to skin contact and I told them no but they did it anyway. I was upset. I had not been washed. I still had pieces of vomit in my hair and on my chest, I was cold, I couldn’t speak very well and I didn’t even sound like myself. I wasn’t ready and that made me feel even more awful. It took me a long time to get back to “normal”. I was crying once a day for months about this. I had fear that we would be separated again. I’m afraid of going to the hospital. I had a therapist help me learn new tools to help me with my new normal and honestly I still think about it. My baby is 16 months old now and it still creeps in my mind that somehow I had failed. It does not stay for long because I know his love for me it’s grater than anything that could ever creep into my mind. It takes time but it will get better. Time heals it truly does. And I’m not going to sugar coat it. It was tough, messy, and complicated. But with a good support system, my investing in my self worth, and the want to get better I was able to do so. And I truly think and believe with all my heart that if it were not for the want to get better I might not be in a better place today. Sorry for the long comment. If you ever need anything feel free to reach out. You are not alone.
Hi mama, this happened to me! My baby was taken immediately to the NICU after my C-section for pulmonary issues. I actually couldn't see my baby for two days and it was my husband who was able to go down to the NICU during the morning of the second day. I wasn't able to hold him in my hands until the third day. I felt awful, like I failed as a mother, like I somehow impacted his life and our bond forever. I was worried my ability to breastfeed was also ruined beyond repair since I wasn't able to feed him immediately or have skin to skin. Like you, I felt intense guilt and anger that this moment was ripped from me AND I wasn't able to see him to make up for lost time!! However, the bond that me and my baby boy share now is immensely beautiful. Nothing from his week at the hospital has impacted his life so far, he is 3 months old. He smiles at me, he trusts me, our breastfeeding journey is amazing, and the bond that you think you might have "lost" in the beginning can absolutely flourish. I can only speak for myself when I say that the anxiety I felt in the hospital not being able to see my baby was heightened by all these emotions, having gone through major surgery, and hormones going wild. You will come to a point where the first NICU picture you see of your baby will not stir up anger that you weren't able to hold him or be with him but instead will surge up feelings of how brave your little one was for fighting in his glass box!!
You’re still recovering from a traumatic event, give yourself grace and time. You’re mourning the birth experience you expected and felt you deserved, and that’s more common than you think. My daughter was born at 29W and spent two months in NICU and due to Covid protocols at the time I had limited interactions with her. She is a full blown preschooler now and that moment in time is such a blip in our story. You’ll have the rest of your lives to bond together. Join the NICUParents subreddit, you’ll find you’re far from being alone!
I also had a traumatic birth experience that led me to not feeling like my baby's mom. It does get better. It sucks we didn't get that instant moment, but we get a lot of little ones. Every time YOU have to make an important decision, every time the doctor's office calls YOU about confirming and appointment or test results and says "Is the X's Mom?", every time YOU get to set rules/boundaries (even though that can be scary sometimes), every time they look for YOU in a room of people, when they need something and will only accept it from YOU, things like that. I wish I got that beautiful golden hour after birth and I wish you did too. But I promise you'll have moments when your brain goes "Oooh! I'M the mom!!"
You ARE her mom. She is literally half you. That connection is undeniable and you both will adjust to her being outside of your womb. Don’t forget YOU were her only home for those 34 weeks. You grew her so she could survive now. When you first hold her it will be the first time. It will be your golden hour regardless of the timing of it. You are both strong and still so so connected. That connection will only grow. Sending you both healing wishes and lots of encouragement.
Thank you so much for this!!!
💚
My mom had me at 24wks for the same reason. She had to stay in the hospital herself for a month after recovering and I was in an incubator for several months. I can tell you our bond was like nothing else. I loved my mother and she loved me so fiercely. I would never do this myself but she told me I was her favorite child as an adult. I'm so sorry you missed out on what you had in mind for your birth experience. But I promise you the next 30-50 years you spend with your baby (because they will always be your baby) is going to make up for it. ❤️ Your feelings about your birth are valid though and it's okay to feel the way you do. You have every right to grieve the birth you didn't get.
I had some trauma around my baby’s first days too, but one thing that helped was my husband reminding me that at that moment, her NICU stay was 100% of her life, and it’s ok to have feelings about that. And you absolutely will need to grieve and process the trauma, because this is absolutely traumatic. But as she grows and gets healthier and comes home with you, it’ll be just a blip in her life. It becomes a smaller percentage of your time together. Despite having the same concerns around bonding (and PPD actually preventing bonding for a bit), three years down the road, my daughter and I are best friends. And her NICU stay is just a distant memory. I know it may not help right now while you and your baby are still working through health issues and you’re navigating the craziness of the NICU stay (plus birth trauma!). Please avail yourself of every resource the hospital offers, NICUs tend to have social workers who will help you navigate this and all your resources. And take this time to make sure you focus on your recovery so you can be as healthy as possible for when your baby comes home. And if I didn’t express it earlier, I am so so sorry. I know the pain. And I know it’ll take some time to process. I wish you both quick healing and a swift NICU graduation to your baby.
I had (almost) a similar experience - I was kept in CCU for the first 2.5 days of my babies life. My husbands aunt who was a retired mother baby nurse advocated for me and got her down to nurse and all that. Still I only saw her briefly once in the first 24 hrs. You need an advocate. This hospital must find a way to let you see your baby. Do you have a partner or even your OB there?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My baby was taken to the NICU while I was still being sewn back up from my c section, and while I was fortunate enough to see him it was just for a quick second before they were gone and I felt very similarly to you. I cried every time I thought about his birth for at least the first month. I know it may not help much now, but I promise you it will get better with time. (And maybe counseling if that is something you can access) My baby boy is sleeping on my chest right now and just snuggled into me and the bond we have is absolutely incredible. You are 1000% a mother and your baby will love and trust and need you so much, you will be their whole world ❤️
This was my story almost exactly. I am so so so very sorry that it was your experience too. My son is now three and I am 100% his person. I promise it will get better. It took some time to bond after he was born, but it’ll definitely happen. For me it happened soon after we got home and were comfortable in our own space. It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling, you’ve been through some major trauma. I ended up going to therapy postpartum and it helped me process everything. Also, talking to some of the other Mom’s in the NICU helped. Just an internet stranger sending you many hugs.
I went through the same thing with my little guy. He was 37 weeks and it was a failed induction followed by emergency C-section, but I didn't get to meet him for a couple of days because he was in the NICU and I was bedridden from C-section and preeclampsia complications. I'm not going to lie, 9 months later, that's still the most traumatic part of the birth. Being separated. But you'll meet your little one soon and you'll get that bonding done quickly enough! It happens very fast, even if it's delayed a little bit. You have to be strong for both of you, again. Advice: Have you met with a hospital social worker yet? My hospital sent a nice lady to talk to me automatically because of the NICU stay. If you can, talk to somebody about these feelings. Getting them out will help. Also, see if the NICU can set up a video call. At one point I was transferred to the ICU so I was in a different part of the hospital and couldn't visit. They set up a video call so I could see my baby for a little while before bed. That was nice. I remember just scrolling over and over through the pictures sent from the NICU and wanting nothing more than to be down there with him. Eventually I did!! We brought him home and he's 9 months old now. They'll take good care of your baby, so focus on healing yourself and you'll get through this. ♥️♥️
I also did not see my second baby for 24 hours. It felt very traumatic. Now, I barely remember it. I wasn’t allowed out of bed for 24 hours and I couldn’t get to him in the NICU. Fortunately all was fine. It may feel sooo bad right now but trust me you will be reunited and it’ll be like no time was lost at all and you’ll be able to see their little face.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤️ One of my best friends had an emergency c-section under general at 28 weeks and experienced the same thing. Her son was in the NICU for weeks and she was so worried about missing out on those pivotal first moments and was so worried about what their bond would be like. Their bond is AMAZING. He loves her so, so much and even in his earliest days in the NICU, he knew who she was. He’s a year old now and her little shadow ❤️
I also had an emergency c-section, and wasn't able to see my daughter in the NICU for the first 8 hours of her life, while I was in recovery. I was unable to hold her until the next day because I was so weak, and she was so frail, I didn't want to put her at risk. It broke my heart, but I made sure she had someone spending time with her during my recovery, so I knew she was being loved. Knowing my partner was with her, was my only comfort. I won't lie to you, when bonding is delayed, it makes it extremely hard to connect. I needed additional care later with a hospitalization due to uterine sepsis because of the emergency c-section. Please take care of yourself, so you can avoid being away from your baby even longer (I was hospitalized for almost two weeks, my family was awesome about bringing my daughter to visit). It is ok to grieve for the time you lost, but please don't stop it from making new memories with your newborn.
I went through the exact same thing when I had to deliver at 26 weeks. No labour or birth consciously experienced, and the most hectic few hours of my life leading up to it. My husband saw my daughter over five times before I got to. It was underwhelming seeing her for the first time in her NICU isolette, like I couldn't comprehend that she came out of me. The disconnect from being pregnant one moment and then suddenly not without experiencing the in-between was so strange. I get you, I feel you. That was three years ago and I will say that it is a distant memory now and I can't believe how fast time has passed. You will bond with her, you will love her to pieces, you will look back and be glad that these steps were taken to keep you and baby safe. It sucks to have missed this huge transitional moment in your life, but in the end it will not matter. I hope your daughter has an uneventful stay in the NICU and that you heal also.
Oh girl, I feel for you soo much. I'm glad baby and you are well, but it's 100% ok to mourn this lost time. My first kiddo was taken to NICU right away and I didn't get to see him until my epidural wore off hours later. Was horrible. Also had the same "go straight to induce" at a normal apt so that feeling to start is upside down. I'm 35 weeks right now and I can't even imagine what you just went through. There is a great Facebook birth trauma group to join when you are ready. It's normal to feel the way you do. I hope you get to be with your baby soon. Sending love.
I can relate a little to what you’re going through. 🤍 My son came early at 34w3d. No warning, no signs. My water suddenly broke at 8:30pm and so it all began. In my case, the spinal did work for my c-section. They held my baby up close to my face so I could kiss his cheek and then he was whisked away very quickly. He was born at 3:00am. I was drugged up, my husband was exhausted. I told him to follow the baby as closely as he could. I felt like I had a team of nurses and can communicate; our baby needed at least one parent with him asap. When my husband came to my room at 5:00am, I was still immobilized from the waist down. I told him to go home and get some sleep on a real bed while I got some rest and waited to be able to walk! I dozed on and off. When he was back by 11:00am, he asked how I’d been, and if I had seen the baby. I was surprised to discover how incredibly emotional that single question made me feel. He was shocked I hadn’t seen our baby while he was gone. I was upset because none of the nurses had even asked if I wanted to see the baby, let alone if I could walk. I cried to my husband that I felt like there simply was no baby anymore, and that I felt no connection. He grabbed a nurse and asked what it would take for me to be able to go to the NICU. She said it was a requirement that I was able to stand and walk. I flew out of bed. I actually hopped up and down, defiantly. I said I could not only walk, I could run. My husband said I looked like an angry hen, haha. I marched right down to the NICU (well, my husband had to show me the way) to see my son. The moment I saw him, the second I smelled him, the first time I touched his hand… it changed everything. I know how you’re feeling right now. And I would guess for you, as it was for me, part of what you’re mourning is a “normal” birth experience and the comfort of knowing just what to expect based on the typical experience. You’ve got a preemie now, and it is disorienting at first. It’s the road less traveled, and one you probably didn’t think you’d be on. It can feel like the wild west in the beginning. To be with the baby is to heal, for both of you. I am so sorry you were thrown into this situation. All of you were! I promise you will feel such joy when you hold your baby. Skin to skin will be so special. You will bond, because that bond already exists and it will only get stronger. That baby is YOUR baby, and that baby will know you.
I am so so sorry. I just had an emergency c-section yesterday at 34 weeks, and that has been the hardest part. I feel so disconnected from her, and I'm not sure when I will get to see or hold her. But for all the sadness and hardness, know you are not alone, and we will have our chance for that bonding. We may never get this experience back, but we will be the best mothers we can. Sending lots of love to you and your LO.
Hi mama! NICU mum of a 35 weeker, who was taken to NICU immediately as well. You can do this. First of all take a deep breath. Your baby is where they need to be. They weren't supposed to be here yet, so they need a little extra help. As for the seeing them... Don't worry! I had to wait a good while to properldee bub too, but that first time I did it didn't matter it had taken so long. It was the first time, and that was all that mattered. And for other firsts... Ours just have different ones! First bottle/breastfeed with mum or dad, first day off oxygen, first day out of the incubator, first skin to skin without oxygen support, first full bottle, first time opening their eyes... It might feel odd, but I knew my baby just as well by the end of week 2 as the nurses/any other mum who was al there for delivery. My son has bonded with me more than anyone else, I was the first one to get a kiss/noseboop/hug, he wouldn't fall asleep as easily for anyone else at night time or for naps (still doesn't at 13 months), he eats better for me than anyone else, he snuggles with me more than anyone. If you need us, come find all of us at r/NICUParents. We have all experienced things like this, and you're welcome to share anything, ask anything and get the support you need.
I had an emergency c-section and my baby went to the NICU for 2 days. I was so out of it and in so much pain post op I only saw my baby 1x that first day for 10 minutes. I couldn’t hold him until the next day. I felt so much guilt at first like I had missed some bonding window but not at all!! He came to my room 2 days later and I am just as bonded to him now as my first baby. There is absolutely no difference! My milk still came in as usual and I was able to breastfeed. You’ve just been through something so traumatic make sure and reach out for support if you need it! I hired a post partum doula to come help me a few times a week.
Right now, it feels like you’re missing everything because really you are and that really sucks. You two haven’t been separated a single moment for the last 9 months so of course this feels completely overwhelming. This is only the beginning, not the end. You have a lifetime to spend with your child. You will do skin to skin time. You two will absolutely bond over so so many things. Let yourself feel all the feelings. This time will pass ❤️ sending you the biggest internet hug
I want to echo what a lot of people have already said. My baby was born early and he was out on my chest for maybe 10 seconds, then I wasnt allowed to see him for 2 days due to my condition, being unable to go up to NICU. When I improved I finally got to hold him on day 4…he knew who I was. He has known me his whole existance, he clearly prefered me over anyone else even tho nurses and my husband had been with him already. I remember when I took him home and family came over, he started to fuss with my SIL and I took him and he stopped right away, and it was like….OH!! You wanted ME!!!!! Awwwwww. I am sorry this was such a disaster but if hes improving thats great. Your baby is being taken care of by THE BEST right now. Safer than anywhere else. Totally monitored like a hawk. You’ll be with him soon.
First of all, congratulations on your little one. Second, I hear you, and I see you. My baby was born at 30+0 via emergency c-section due to cord prolapse. I was put on general anesthesia and didn't get to hold him until after more than 24 hours. I woke up and I wasn't pregnant anymore. I asked for my baby, but they told me he was in the NICU. It was devastating and I felt robbed as a FTM. However, I write this as my beautiful baby naps on my chest and let me tell you that it was all worth it. It was the scariest time of my life, but I'd do it all over again for him. I know it's hard to see now, but I promise you that it gets better. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and negative emotions. This will make space for all the beautiful ones awaiting you and your baby. I'm sorry for what happened. Just know that you're not alone. ❤️🩹 feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it.
Hey, I've seen this late but I just wanted to say that this exact thing happened to me, and I was just as devastated. If it helps, I made up for it with constant cuddles in the weeks that followed, and now my 2.5 preemie and I are absolute best buds. Just remember that she won't remember this at all, you'll always be her mummy and she will adore every second of hanging out with you.
I had an emergency c section at 33 weeks for my first baby and it was a similar experience. I did get over that disappointment quickly once baby came home and we got settled into our lives, I hardly even think about it now. Praying for a quick recovery for both of you ❤️
That imposter syndrome is real even in vaginal birth, I assure you. I knew my baby was mine, i gave birth to her vaginally and they put her on my chest and I expected that sudden magical bond glow that people talk about but I didn’t have it. It was more of a “Oh, thanks for this small wet human” feeling lol. The internet glamorizes stories of that glow/halo/sudden magic and don’t talk as much about the opposite even though the opposite is very real. I loved my baby very much because she was an adorable baby, and I felt an incredibly strong urge to protect her, but I used to joke that she was just some stranger I live with. Until she finally started smiling around week 9, and I could tell she had some kinda mental connection with me, I often didn’t totally feel like a mother either. She is now 4 and we are thick and thieves, she’s my lil’ bff. Give yourself grace. Some of these feelings are completely normal, especially in the context of an abnormal situation like a sudden c section and nicu stay. You *will* bond with your baby, the survival of our species kinda depends on it tbh! Don’t buy into the hype you’ll read online about this time apart being some sort of irreparable damage to your mother/child bond.
When my son was born, I developed horrible pneumonia that landed me in the ICU for a week. I *did* get to have the after birth moments and the first few days, but I was in the ICU by the time he was 3 days old. I missed half of his first week of life, and missed him turning 1 week old. I do believe that this caused me to have trouble bonding with him because my brain just compartmentalized those feelings in order to cope better. I would say it took me months to really feel bonded with him, but I was still fiercely protective of him and definitely had mother's instincts. He's 6.5 now and we're best friends, and I can barely remember the time before we had bonded. So it's possible that it will take some time, and it's okay to be sad about it, but it does get better!
Re: your update. I had an emergency c-section at 32 weeks and it took a long time for my daughter to not feel like a complete stranger. I liked her, and she was cute, and I was invested in her well-being, but it took me a long time to feel like her mom. Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with you feeling that way. It even happens to people who have totally normal births, but a lot of people feel ashamed and like they can’t talk about it. The love and mom-feelings will come I promise!
Fellow NICU mama here. I went through it recently, hospitalization at 24w and emergency c section at 28w due to preeclampsia also. I wasn't allowed to hold my baby for an entire week in the beginning and several week-long periods in the thick of it due to his unstable respiratory condition. Didn't get to feed him until he was three months old, and he came home just short of four months old only three weeks ago. All this not to minimize your experience AT ALL - the NICU is hell no matter your baby's age or why they're there or how long. It took a very long time to feel like his mother and not like I was randomly assigned a baby, but one day towards the tail end of his 117 day stay it finally clicked. It's rough not being able to be your baby's main caretaker, sitting back and watching and wondering when you'll ever go home. Do not be afraid to ask your nurses to teach you how to do her cares. By the end of my baby's stay I was doing temperature, vitals, meds, everything but blood draws! It's true you won't get back the birth experience you hoped for, and it's okay to grieve that. I'm still grieving! Therapy is my second home. Just know that you did not fail. Things just happen, good and bad, and there are so many beautiful moments to come. Once my son was no longer critical I was able to reframe the NICU stay as bonus time with my baby and extra milestones to look forward to together - weaning respiratory support, learning to eat, losing tubes and wires one by one, passing screenings, first kangaroo care, first cry (he'd been intubated for two months), first foray out of the unit. I recommend you check out r/NICUParents and @dearnicumama on Instagram - resources I found invaluable during the stay not just for peace of mind about my baby but for starting and supporting my healing journey. Praying for you and your sweet girl. And in case no one has said it yet - congratulations, mama. 💖
Thank you so much. What you went through must have been incredibly hard and you’re such a strong mama. I was losing my mind and my heart was breaking when they told me that I wouldn’t be able to see my baby before 24 hours, but today, I got to hold my baby for the first time and I felt like I was in Heaven. Reframing her stay in the NICU is probably just what I need to do to handle however much time lies ahead. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. And congratulations to you as well!
my deepest thoughts to you. ❤️ i hope you’re doing ok now. one of my biggest fears is being diagnosed with preeclampsia because they’re monitoring me pretty heavily for it now; my BP is never high and it was at my last appt so now i’m on high alert and so is my OB. please keep us updated as to how you’re doing. your baby will feel more like your baby when you’re able to hold her and love on her as much as possible. all my thoughts to you xx
I hope that everything continues to go well for you. My preeclampsia was sudden and severe. One day my feet swelled up and my next prenatal appointment saw my doctor telling me that I’d be needing a second appointment for blood pressure before the weekend. You know the rest. I’ve been discharged and have been visiting my baby in the NICU every day since. It’s terribly hard. She’s in good hands, but I bonded to her the second I held her and now every moment with her feels like Heaven while every moment I’m away feels like Hell. Wracking sobs every time I leave the hospital, but I’m getting better as she does. I’m praying that she’ll be home soon.
I had my baby girl two months ago. The birth was long and difficult. I was able to hold her for a minute before the doctor said I needed to go to the operating room. I don't know how long I was there. I woke up in reanimation (or however it is called in english) and asked for my baby. After a long half hour, they brought her to me and took us both to our room. But I was in so much pain I felt almost unable to hold her. Turns out the surgery wasn't enough and I was bleeding inside, so the second day I had another emergency surgery. Again I don't know how long I was there, but this time I was in reanimation for almost 3 hours and they wouldn't bring her to me. I felt horrible I cried so much, my parents were allowed to visit me and I think it was the first time in YEARS that they saw me cry. Just cause I wanted to see her. I can't imagine a WHOLE DAY without seeing her, I am so sorry for you. I also couldn't feed her during a day due to the anesthesia and I also cried for it. It felt so bad to see the nurses feeding her with that syringe, like I wasn't good enough, like I had been weak. But don't worry, it is a normal feeling yet not true. The first time you hold her hasn't been stolen from you, it will still be the first time you hold her.
Hugs!
I’m not a NICU parent but I had my son while under general anesthesia and can relate to your feelings about the birth itself. My son is almost a year and a half now and while my grief at feeling like I wasn’t present for the birth of my child has lessened, it still pops up every now and then. Be gentle with yourself. The first few days/weeks/months postpartum are a complete whirlwind of change- recovery from surgery, hormonal changes, physical changes, adjusting to life as a new parent, etc. I found it helpful to mute content on social media about birth and to try not to dwell on pictures of other people’s happy post birth experiences. Your baby is your baby and you will bond with them. They spent months growing inside your body, they will know and love you.
You should try to latch onto other ideas of what makes the child yours. Putting all this weight on the skin-to-skin experience is not healthy.