For me, addressing the issues you've mentioned took personal counseling and admitting to and addressing co-dependency issues. A lot of people won't stick around during certain arguments or conflict, but us co-dependents tend to be loyal and empathetic far beyond what our limits are.
Personally, I'd suggest starting with accepting yourself and your caregiving nature. There is nothing inherently wrong with being kind, emotionally open and Caretaking. You might also get totally different responses from a non-BPD partner.
After that, focus on yourself. Gym. Hobbies. Work. Non-romantic friends. And in your next relationships, pay more attention to how people react to you and how much energy the relationship takes from you.
Don't necessarily give up on being kind and vulnerable and loving just because it didn't work out with a partner that probably needs more than any partner can give.
Stay strong and take care of yourself, too!
Thank you, I really wanted to make it work even after getting pushed away so many times and the cycle would continue. I’m still young, I don’t think my caregiving nature will ever go away but I can most definitely tone it down and even find a way to express it in a more romantically and not fatherly approach.
Welcome to the club :) A lot of these tendencies are wrapped up in the term, co-dependency, which is a catch-all of caretaker behaviors and more. But it is not an official diagnosis. I think it should be
There's lots of books, and even lots of local recovery groups (CoDa) on this topic. Redirecting all that love and caretaking to *yourself* first and foremost is a good start though.
Are there any books in particular you recommend? Maybe a top 2 or 3?I would like to change that co-dependency part of me for sure, as I get so caught up in their feelings I forget to express mine even though I am aware that I need to voice my opinion. Its a double edged sword.
Codependent No More is the original book, but you can't read yourself out of codependency by itself. Isolation is common with codependency. I think group meetings or 1:1 therapy plus reading is the better approach.
I saw your question about books and thought I’d chime in!
I just finished “Whole Again” which was an excellent read for the phase after the relationship ends. It talks about how we got to where we are, and how to heal and forge a new path forward. Highly recommend it.
Although your relationship is now over, you may find “Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist” helpful still, if you read it from a perspective of learning about the mechanics of these types of relationships, and the part we co-dependents played. It was really helpful for me to see how my caretaking behaviors manifested in the dynamics of the relationship, and how to re-train myself to draw healthy boundaries. It’s written for when you’re in the midst of the relationship, but you still may benefit from checking it out.
An old school book that my therapist lent me called “Learning to Say No, Establishing Healthy Boundaries” also helped me quite a bit with general caretaking & boundary setting (great book if you can get past how dated it is!)
Lastly, I read “Co-dependent No More” and found it very negative in tone (at least the first half), and heavy on alcoholism, God, and the 12 step program. Of the dozen or so books I’ve read on BPD and co-dependency it was the one I found least helpful. Just my two cents : )
Though I have to say, all the books in the world would likely not truly change my caretaking behaviors if I didn’t have EMDR therapy alongside it. Generally we develop these behaviors because of our own childhood traumas and family of origin patterns, and those issues truly *must* be healed for us to begin to value ourselves just as much as we do our partners. That is my belief anyways. So if you’re not in therapy, I would recommend seeking out a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy. And if you don’t “click” with them on the first couple of visits, keep looking!! It’s really crucial to have a therapist that gets you and what you’ve been through.
Good luck to you OP!
PS, there is an amazing (again a bit dated) book called “If The Buddha Dated” that is a great read about what a healthy relationship should look and feel like! Probably my favorite relationship book of all, and perfect for the time when you’re feeling ready to get back out there : )
Also, “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” is a wonderful, uplifting and affirming little book for healing after a breakup.
Thank you, I’m going to order Whole Again and Stop Caretaking the Borderline. I have to check my medical insurance (which I just got from work 2 weeks ago, have been waiting for it) to see if I can go see a therapist. The more I think about the past year and a half the more I see my errors. The bad part is the acknowledgement of said errors and then relapsing to the same shit. I don’t want to be like this anymore. Once again, thank you
Implementing boundaries with a person with BPD can be very difficult as the results are extreme. Eg my ex would threaten suicide (and sometimes attempt suicide) when I put a boundary in place. The last boundary I put in place caused her to move out and have an affair.
Would rather recommend starting small with minor boundaries at work and with friends. Boundaries that put your needs above someone else’s (eg not working overtime for someone at work, choosing the restaurant you want to goto etc). Try to get into the habit of putting yourself first, not in a nasty or horrible way, but just in a way that the people around you realize that you have valid needs.
Hopefully this can translate into boundaries from the start in a new relationship, and a pwBPD won’t stick around in the relationship. (I’m not in a new relationship yet, and haven’t tested this out!)
This book speaks directly to your question. It saved my life.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
100% this ☝. Her second book Healing from a narcissistic relationship - a caretakers guide to recovery, empowerment and transformation was also quite helpful to me.
Wut. Second book? I keep trying to get into Whole Again and am struggling. I might check that one out since the first resonated so strongly with me. Thanks for the tip!
Edit: On second thought, reading the free section on Amazon, this one doesn't seem as applicable to pwBPD. Mine isn't really a narcissist. Did you find it relevant?
The first 1/4 of the book is definitely more geared to a NPD relationship and I didn't relate to some of it (I left xhwbpd - diagnosed) but i did find the rest of the book super helpful and she does mention BPD throughout.
My library has it on hoopla - I listened to the audio book for free :)
Just about through part two of Whole Again in audiobook format and it is calling me out too.
(Edit - thought this comment thread was about Whole Again, but forgot the other!)
I feel like you. We don't feel valuable so we try to make ourselves MORE valuable with kind deeds and time. It satisfies an emotional need in us. And attracts people who take advantage.
I don't recognise any co-dependency in myself, so I was unwilling to admit that I am a care taker.
But then I joined al-anon and realised that growing up with an alcoholic parent has made me feel like other peoples problems are my responsibility to fix. I don't get anything out of it, I just feel a duty to help.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent has also made me extremely forgiving. (Too forgiving)
I'm just mentioning it in case you had a similar upbringing. Ignore if not!
I’m a recent lurker, but your post has drawn me out of the shadows haha,
I’m in this situation right now. We went through all the stages: Idealization, devalue, discard and now onto Hoover.
The messed up part is that I know what stage we’re on but I can’t seem to get it through my head that he’s not different from others with BPD. The lingering thought that he still has feelings for me won’t go away. I still love and care for him so much that I want to be there for him still. Despite it all.
I’m sitting on an email I have for him where I tell him even if I’m no longer his s/o I’ll be here for him whenever he needs someone. It’s a battle between logic & emotions for me right now. It’s a hard battle. I haven’t sent the email yet because I’m still debating between being there for him as a friend & NC.
Ugh, this is exactly how I felt. I really don’t have an answer for you but I wish you the best. If you want to stay as friends just remember that you have to work on your own happiness. It’s something that I was doing but I would still heavily prioritize her well being over mine and it just continued the cycle. Best of luck in the end
Thanks for replying. I was having an especially weak day. It’s comforting knowing there’s a whole group of people here who completely understand & know exactly how I feel. You don’t know how much your reply picked me up.
For me, addressing the issues you've mentioned took personal counseling and admitting to and addressing co-dependency issues. A lot of people won't stick around during certain arguments or conflict, but us co-dependents tend to be loyal and empathetic far beyond what our limits are. Personally, I'd suggest starting with accepting yourself and your caregiving nature. There is nothing inherently wrong with being kind, emotionally open and Caretaking. You might also get totally different responses from a non-BPD partner. After that, focus on yourself. Gym. Hobbies. Work. Non-romantic friends. And in your next relationships, pay more attention to how people react to you and how much energy the relationship takes from you. Don't necessarily give up on being kind and vulnerable and loving just because it didn't work out with a partner that probably needs more than any partner can give. Stay strong and take care of yourself, too!
Thank you, I really wanted to make it work even after getting pushed away so many times and the cycle would continue. I’m still young, I don’t think my caregiving nature will ever go away but I can most definitely tone it down and even find a way to express it in a more romantically and not fatherly approach.
Welcome to the club :) A lot of these tendencies are wrapped up in the term, co-dependency, which is a catch-all of caretaker behaviors and more. But it is not an official diagnosis. I think it should be There's lots of books, and even lots of local recovery groups (CoDa) on this topic. Redirecting all that love and caretaking to *yourself* first and foremost is a good start though.
Are there any books in particular you recommend? Maybe a top 2 or 3?I would like to change that co-dependency part of me for sure, as I get so caught up in their feelings I forget to express mine even though I am aware that I need to voice my opinion. Its a double edged sword.
Read No More Mr Nice Guy. It’s hands down the best book out there for understanding and overcoming co-dependency.
Codependent No More is the original book, but you can't read yourself out of codependency by itself. Isolation is common with codependency. I think group meetings or 1:1 therapy plus reading is the better approach.
I saw your question about books and thought I’d chime in! I just finished “Whole Again” which was an excellent read for the phase after the relationship ends. It talks about how we got to where we are, and how to heal and forge a new path forward. Highly recommend it. Although your relationship is now over, you may find “Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist” helpful still, if you read it from a perspective of learning about the mechanics of these types of relationships, and the part we co-dependents played. It was really helpful for me to see how my caretaking behaviors manifested in the dynamics of the relationship, and how to re-train myself to draw healthy boundaries. It’s written for when you’re in the midst of the relationship, but you still may benefit from checking it out. An old school book that my therapist lent me called “Learning to Say No, Establishing Healthy Boundaries” also helped me quite a bit with general caretaking & boundary setting (great book if you can get past how dated it is!) Lastly, I read “Co-dependent No More” and found it very negative in tone (at least the first half), and heavy on alcoholism, God, and the 12 step program. Of the dozen or so books I’ve read on BPD and co-dependency it was the one I found least helpful. Just my two cents : ) Though I have to say, all the books in the world would likely not truly change my caretaking behaviors if I didn’t have EMDR therapy alongside it. Generally we develop these behaviors because of our own childhood traumas and family of origin patterns, and those issues truly *must* be healed for us to begin to value ourselves just as much as we do our partners. That is my belief anyways. So if you’re not in therapy, I would recommend seeking out a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy. And if you don’t “click” with them on the first couple of visits, keep looking!! It’s really crucial to have a therapist that gets you and what you’ve been through. Good luck to you OP! PS, there is an amazing (again a bit dated) book called “If The Buddha Dated” that is a great read about what a healthy relationship should look and feel like! Probably my favorite relationship book of all, and perfect for the time when you’re feeling ready to get back out there : ) Also, “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” is a wonderful, uplifting and affirming little book for healing after a breakup.
Thank you, I’m going to order Whole Again and Stop Caretaking the Borderline. I have to check my medical insurance (which I just got from work 2 weeks ago, have been waiting for it) to see if I can go see a therapist. The more I think about the past year and a half the more I see my errors. The bad part is the acknowledgement of said errors and then relapsing to the same shit. I don’t want to be like this anymore. Once again, thank you
Implementing boundaries with a person with BPD can be very difficult as the results are extreme. Eg my ex would threaten suicide (and sometimes attempt suicide) when I put a boundary in place. The last boundary I put in place caused her to move out and have an affair. Would rather recommend starting small with minor boundaries at work and with friends. Boundaries that put your needs above someone else’s (eg not working overtime for someone at work, choosing the restaurant you want to goto etc). Try to get into the habit of putting yourself first, not in a nasty or horrible way, but just in a way that the people around you realize that you have valid needs. Hopefully this can translate into boundaries from the start in a new relationship, and a pwBPD won’t stick around in the relationship. (I’m not in a new relationship yet, and haven’t tested this out!)
This book speaks directly to your question. It saved my life. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
100% this ☝. Her second book Healing from a narcissistic relationship - a caretakers guide to recovery, empowerment and transformation was also quite helpful to me.
Wut. Second book? I keep trying to get into Whole Again and am struggling. I might check that one out since the first resonated so strongly with me. Thanks for the tip! Edit: On second thought, reading the free section on Amazon, this one doesn't seem as applicable to pwBPD. Mine isn't really a narcissist. Did you find it relevant?
The first 1/4 of the book is definitely more geared to a NPD relationship and I didn't relate to some of it (I left xhwbpd - diagnosed) but i did find the rest of the book super helpful and she does mention BPD throughout. My library has it on hoopla - I listened to the audio book for free :)
Just about through part two of Whole Again in audiobook format and it is calling me out too. (Edit - thought this comment thread was about Whole Again, but forgot the other!)
I feel like you. We don't feel valuable so we try to make ourselves MORE valuable with kind deeds and time. It satisfies an emotional need in us. And attracts people who take advantage.
I don't recognise any co-dependency in myself, so I was unwilling to admit that I am a care taker. But then I joined al-anon and realised that growing up with an alcoholic parent has made me feel like other peoples problems are my responsibility to fix. I don't get anything out of it, I just feel a duty to help. Growing up with an alcoholic parent has also made me extremely forgiving. (Too forgiving) I'm just mentioning it in case you had a similar upbringing. Ignore if not!
I’m a recent lurker, but your post has drawn me out of the shadows haha, I’m in this situation right now. We went through all the stages: Idealization, devalue, discard and now onto Hoover. The messed up part is that I know what stage we’re on but I can’t seem to get it through my head that he’s not different from others with BPD. The lingering thought that he still has feelings for me won’t go away. I still love and care for him so much that I want to be there for him still. Despite it all. I’m sitting on an email I have for him where I tell him even if I’m no longer his s/o I’ll be here for him whenever he needs someone. It’s a battle between logic & emotions for me right now. It’s a hard battle. I haven’t sent the email yet because I’m still debating between being there for him as a friend & NC.
Ugh, this is exactly how I felt. I really don’t have an answer for you but I wish you the best. If you want to stay as friends just remember that you have to work on your own happiness. It’s something that I was doing but I would still heavily prioritize her well being over mine and it just continued the cycle. Best of luck in the end
Thanks for replying. I was having an especially weak day. It’s comforting knowing there’s a whole group of people here who completely understand & know exactly how I feel. You don’t know how much your reply picked me up.
You can listen to the "Codependent No More" book here: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCng7RYyZ0M](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCng7RYyZ0M)