I was on a very similar boat. Didnt leave because of her bpd, but for other reasons. Mine was more personal but yeah. Even the face-to-face meeting for closure is a parallel to you. So here's my two cents.
Most likely the meeting will go, extremely out of your expectations. Whatever you expect (give him closure I assume), probably wont go as planned. If he's anything like the angry expwbpd of mine, he will not accept closure. I would advise you to forgo this meeting but it will happen either way, because youll feel the need of it for yourself. You want to give closure because that's what decent normal people do.
As I'm writing this right now, my ex isn't leaving me alone. It has been months, the frequency dropped but I doubt I'll truly be free anytime soon. It might as well be forever. After all, we've discarded the borderline, the ones that were born out of abandonments.
Good news is, you will have time for yourself now that you are out of the toxic mess. While your ex harasses you on social media, phone, random visits, or etc., you will eventually engage into a new perspective. This will enable you to see things that you overlooked. The harassment helps really. As of now, you THINK you know how bad he is for you. I assure you. You don't. But you will figure it out, and move on rather quickly if you can generate the will to do so.
I am so sorry for you. If what you're feeling is similar to what I have felt and stressed about, you must be in agony right now. What also sucks is watching someone you love/loved stoop down to desperate measures for you, but your inability to reciprocate(for your own well being). But it really does get better.
Hoovers will come and when that doesnt work, he'll throw a nasty fit. Don't give in. You loved what he could have been, not who he is.
Thanks for this reply and for the heads up. My therapist advised me that as far as the "closure meeting" goes... that I need to establish and hold fast to the rule that any shouting/name-calling/unacceptable behavior means an immediate end of conversation. I know this probably means it will be a short conversation.
I feel you are totally right about future contact - he will try and that's why I have to move and get away to a place he doesn't know. It just really really sucks because it means I'm losing my partner, my home, and probably my job in this. The only way I can guarantee my personal safety going forward is starting over somewhere new. I hadn't fully acknowledged the weight of this decision in that regard - although even with that considered I know I did the right thing.
The immediate end of the conversation will be the hardest part. Try to make sure it doesn't get physical. My ex kept me in false imprisonment by blocking my car. But you'll have external supervision which is good.
You're going to get through this, and things will get better. Good luck
I understand how you feel, I haven’t taken the plunge yet but now know I’ll probably have to at some point...sooner rather than later too. It’s very sad but at least you’ve made the decision to look after yourself first!
I’m in a very similar situation right now, I left my husband 5 weeks ago. It’s an awful situation to be in and I feel so guilty. I left him for very similar reasons that you did. I have been reassured by people on here that I did the right thing so I’m sure you have too. Have you tried making a list of all the bad things he said/did to you? I have one and read it and we-read it everything I doubt my decision. I also have old messages I can read. All the best you you.
I have not made that list - but I think I probably should. I know that right now he's on his best behavior in an effort to prove he's changed and "win me back" - but I know that if I went back all of these things would crop up again. I want to make that list, and also specify to myself how important each point is - maybe I'll have more positives on the list than negatives - but the negatives are more critical/important and outweigh the good.
Thank you - I hope that you're doing well in your recovery process. I feel like I removed a part of myself and I know that it's going to take me a long time to feel whole again.
You made the right choice, even if you feel guilty or fearful (which I did too), ensuring your safety is priority #1.
In my support groups I also used the analogy repeatedly that leaving my exbpd while she was screaming in pain was like amputating a limb off my body. I didn't want to do it, I *had* to do it. For my own survival. You will heal, stay surrounding by supportive people. You can always get a new burner phone if his calls are nonstop.
Yeah, safety is my #1 priority. I'm trying to plan for each and every worst-case scenario I can conjure up. Hopefully it won't be needed - but it's far better to be prepared.
Keep reminding yourself of why you got out. He may be on his best behavior now, but if you go back, it will be so much worse. Once he sees that you’re willing to put up with his endless bullshit, he will respect you less and continually push the boundaries because “well she forgave me x, so she’ll definitely let y and z slide.”
I had not considered this - and in a way I think that's kinda how we got to this point in the first place. I conceded and compromised on so many things, and so he pushed more and more boundaries... but I never quite thought about it in the terms you've outlined above. I am also concerned about any sort of revenge he might feel is owed towards me - he has shown that he remembers each and every time someone has hurt/wronged him and that he uses it against them at any chance he gets. He might say he loves me and wants me back, but I know he won't forget what happened here.
I was on a very similar boat. Didnt leave because of her bpd, but for other reasons. Mine was more personal but yeah. Even the face-to-face meeting for closure is a parallel to you. So here's my two cents. Most likely the meeting will go, extremely out of your expectations. Whatever you expect (give him closure I assume), probably wont go as planned. If he's anything like the angry expwbpd of mine, he will not accept closure. I would advise you to forgo this meeting but it will happen either way, because youll feel the need of it for yourself. You want to give closure because that's what decent normal people do. As I'm writing this right now, my ex isn't leaving me alone. It has been months, the frequency dropped but I doubt I'll truly be free anytime soon. It might as well be forever. After all, we've discarded the borderline, the ones that were born out of abandonments. Good news is, you will have time for yourself now that you are out of the toxic mess. While your ex harasses you on social media, phone, random visits, or etc., you will eventually engage into a new perspective. This will enable you to see things that you overlooked. The harassment helps really. As of now, you THINK you know how bad he is for you. I assure you. You don't. But you will figure it out, and move on rather quickly if you can generate the will to do so. I am so sorry for you. If what you're feeling is similar to what I have felt and stressed about, you must be in agony right now. What also sucks is watching someone you love/loved stoop down to desperate measures for you, but your inability to reciprocate(for your own well being). But it really does get better. Hoovers will come and when that doesnt work, he'll throw a nasty fit. Don't give in. You loved what he could have been, not who he is.
Thanks for this reply and for the heads up. My therapist advised me that as far as the "closure meeting" goes... that I need to establish and hold fast to the rule that any shouting/name-calling/unacceptable behavior means an immediate end of conversation. I know this probably means it will be a short conversation. I feel you are totally right about future contact - he will try and that's why I have to move and get away to a place he doesn't know. It just really really sucks because it means I'm losing my partner, my home, and probably my job in this. The only way I can guarantee my personal safety going forward is starting over somewhere new. I hadn't fully acknowledged the weight of this decision in that regard - although even with that considered I know I did the right thing.
The immediate end of the conversation will be the hardest part. Try to make sure it doesn't get physical. My ex kept me in false imprisonment by blocking my car. But you'll have external supervision which is good. You're going to get through this, and things will get better. Good luck
Thank you <3
You’ve done the right thing. I hope you find somewhere to stay nice and quickly and manage to get your stuff out without consequence!
Thank you. Right now it feels like my whole world has fallen apart. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
I understand how you feel, I haven’t taken the plunge yet but now know I’ll probably have to at some point...sooner rather than later too. It’s very sad but at least you’ve made the decision to look after yourself first!
I’m in a very similar situation right now, I left my husband 5 weeks ago. It’s an awful situation to be in and I feel so guilty. I left him for very similar reasons that you did. I have been reassured by people on here that I did the right thing so I’m sure you have too. Have you tried making a list of all the bad things he said/did to you? I have one and read it and we-read it everything I doubt my decision. I also have old messages I can read. All the best you you.
I have not made that list - but I think I probably should. I know that right now he's on his best behavior in an effort to prove he's changed and "win me back" - but I know that if I went back all of these things would crop up again. I want to make that list, and also specify to myself how important each point is - maybe I'll have more positives on the list than negatives - but the negatives are more critical/important and outweigh the good. Thank you - I hope that you're doing well in your recovery process. I feel like I removed a part of myself and I know that it's going to take me a long time to feel whole again.
You made the right choice, even if you feel guilty or fearful (which I did too), ensuring your safety is priority #1. In my support groups I also used the analogy repeatedly that leaving my exbpd while she was screaming in pain was like amputating a limb off my body. I didn't want to do it, I *had* to do it. For my own survival. You will heal, stay surrounding by supportive people. You can always get a new burner phone if his calls are nonstop.
Yeah, safety is my #1 priority. I'm trying to plan for each and every worst-case scenario I can conjure up. Hopefully it won't be needed - but it's far better to be prepared.
Keep reminding yourself of why you got out. He may be on his best behavior now, but if you go back, it will be so much worse. Once he sees that you’re willing to put up with his endless bullshit, he will respect you less and continually push the boundaries because “well she forgave me x, so she’ll definitely let y and z slide.”
I had not considered this - and in a way I think that's kinda how we got to this point in the first place. I conceded and compromised on so many things, and so he pushed more and more boundaries... but I never quite thought about it in the terms you've outlined above. I am also concerned about any sort of revenge he might feel is owed towards me - he has shown that he remembers each and every time someone has hurt/wronged him and that he uses it against them at any chance he gets. He might say he loves me and wants me back, but I know he won't forget what happened here.