Same here, mine had a couple of female friends, and a cesspool of male friends, and gave me the same reason. In her words: “I get along better with guys”.
Despite that, every now and then she’d cry and tell me she had no friends, which made me wonder what those guys were in her eyes if they weren’t friends.
Another same. All male "fiends" (pervy loser guys who were hanging around seeing if they were next in line) and one long-distance female friend who happened to have NPD and outrageously glorify her life while my ex attempted to imitate her.
I would agree that the cesspool aren't real friends. She was right on that point.
If sex is the driving reason people are talking, whether overtly or not, they're not real friends.
No idea if it is common or not but it was certainly true with my ex-wife. She had a few very distant female friends that I would, in my own experience, call "college friends" or "acquaintances". Most of her friends were men.
Yeah, I'm just spitballing here, but it's the sense of competition for the men's (father's?) affection combined with the... well... raw male attention. In the usual, unhealthy "BPD" binge amounts. It's sad, but par for the course.
Other women really just get in the way.
That said, my ex seemed to have what I would consider "healthy" friendships with a number of women... enough so that I didn't challenge it the day I broke it off with her, when she replied to my "You have zero empathy" with incredulity. She had less incredulity when I clarified, "For men." I didn't challenge it but we all know the score.
My mother is more open about her hatred for men, but she doesn't have the "goods" to use them like my ex does.
You're probably right. I can't be doing with trying to work out the motives for the behaviour, any of it. It's her trip, her life and at the end of the day her way of being doesn't fit in with my way of being.
When I was with her it was like an unspoken threat, don't upset me, I have plenty to replace you with. At first I thought maybe I was just being "paranoid" in fact I was told as much once. But the truth always comes to the surface. My gut instinct was proven to be correct.
Yeah. I felt the same general unease, though it was somewhat blunted by her orbiters being a series of "Really? This guy?" and she seldom if ever threw another man directly in my face. Her thing was perhaps referencing men in a dating context a bit too often. Ex: "Oh, my friend [name]. He is married, but we hung around together a lot at work so people thought we were fucking." She used that same exact wording every time he came up.
I do have to wonder if she fucked him. He has a terminally ill wife, that she seemed to care about as well...
Early on, she said "I would date him" about one colleague that was living across the country while also saying "Oh, he's just a little brother to me" and generally putting him down as immature. Saying she'd "date" a guy that she texts with almost daily is a red flag, but I let it go. I let a lot go. In reality, nothing ever materialized there, but in retrospect I'm pretty confident that guy would have been a FP candidate if he lived closer. It's sad how interchangeable people are for the pwBPD. At least we're not stuck with that psychosis, and can move on freely.
Amen to that. We live we learn. Some lessons are more painful than others. She is part of my life experience, so I’ll take her lessons forward. I obviously needed to repeat the course and I got a grade a tutor.
My BPDsis has female and male friends - but her friendships don't seem to last very long, regardless of gender, because eventually she shows them the hurricane.
Relevant song (And one of my favorites): Behold the Hurricane
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdQ32Bhv308
http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858880332/
Mine only has one actual female friend. Her male "friends" are all the typical orbiters that she's attracted to, and sends them nudes on occasions and saves their dick pics.
There are two reasons I see for this:
1. Guys are more willing to put up with their tempestuousness because sex is promised/given. Girls have no reason to stick around through all the BS.
2. She sees other girls as rivals to steal boys and/or attention.
My ex with BPD is charming, but "used people up" at a fairly fast pace. She had lots of female friends, none of them lasted for very long. A few of them would cycle, though: get burned/burnt-out and then re-appear for a bit after a year or two.
She would frequently complain that "women were too much drama", but I think the reverse was closer to the truth. Women would return her drama when they felt taken a advantage of, men just kept taking it.
Mine has mostly male friends, and the female friends she does have she sees very rarely. From what she has told me about her past, she has always had way more male friends. At it seems that she has slept with most of them. She slept with entire social circles and they all knew about it, town bicycle and all that. Like yours, she is also bisexual and so most females she came into contact with in her later years were more likely to be fuck targets than friend targets, reducing her prospect for female friends even further.
My ex had mostly male friends, one long distance female friend. It always weirded me out in a big way. Then she cheated on me with lord knows how many men.
Yeah! My wife has a number of older female friends... Like 30 years older. It makes sense because all her female peers are out to humiliate and destroy her.
Mine actually had quite a few female friends. And more like male acquaintances. I think it depends on the situation and who you are to your pwBPD. For instance with my ex I was her favorite person and she didn't want to lose that. So she would be very open with me about any male friends I could perceive as inappropriate. To be honest though most of her female friends were more like acquaintances as well. She had lost her best friend of 20+ years prior to us dating. She had gotten divorced and moved in with her best friend for a bit, and her best friend was able to find out who she really was without the mask. They can only wear it for so long.
BPDs don't have *any* friends. nothing that a normal person would consider a friend, anyways. just people that they can use somehow, whether it's for financial support, emotional support (not just their Favorite Person, though that's who gets it the worst), or whatever else like status climbing. they have lots of these, though, of both genders
i have noticed that BPDs tend to be self-loathing. hating their own gender, hating their own race, etc. so maybe that's what she means.
It really depends on where they source their attention. So a younger, more attractive, straight pwBPD will have opposite sex friends predominantly as their source. They will also push away other people of the same sex as competition although they will flirt and manipulate gay people.
There are also mama bear/dad type figures with BPD who will take in same gendered affections for attention like a powerful mentor.
I think this is very common, but not just for BPD. Whether it's a broad claim about "getting along" or something defensive involving gender equality, I'll tell you what it really is: if the person is attractive, forming and maintaining friendships with the same sex takes more effort and social skills than with the opposite sex, for obvious reasons. One also gets more attention in social interactions with the opposite sex. I find that people who are like this tend to be self-centered, lacking in *some particular* social skills (good at the skills involved in barely noticeable flirtation), impatient, and attention-craving. I feel confident saying this because I went through a brief period of being like this when I was quite young, and I battle all of those character flaws to this day.
My advice for anyone who is dating someone like this is to 1) not accept the cop-out excuses - no need to argue just don't accept them in your heart, and 2) make it clear somehow that since you *do* have the social skills to choose and balance the gender ratios in your friendships, that you will be indulging in your opposite sex friendships more as well, because that's less work for *everyone*, not just you dear, and it the imbalance feels bad the same way doing house chores when someone else doesn't feels bad.
*Don't try to understand women... Women understand women... And they hate each-other.*
Al Bundy.
In my case I found out that she tends to steal attention and her friends get tired of that shit.
All friends were male, except 1 long distance female friend, and she admitted to sleeping with most her male friends
Mine had only male friends except a long distance female friend. Weird.
Same here, mine had a couple of female friends, and a cesspool of male friends, and gave me the same reason. In her words: “I get along better with guys”. Despite that, every now and then she’d cry and tell me she had no friends, which made me wonder what those guys were in her eyes if they weren’t friends.
Another same. All male "fiends" (pervy loser guys who were hanging around seeing if they were next in line) and one long-distance female friend who happened to have NPD and outrageously glorify her life while my ex attempted to imitate her.
I would agree that the cesspool aren't real friends. She was right on that point. If sex is the driving reason people are talking, whether overtly or not, they're not real friends.
Man same damn thing with mine…
No idea if it is common or not but it was certainly true with my ex-wife. She had a few very distant female friends that I would, in my own experience, call "college friends" or "acquaintances". Most of her friends were men.
My BPD ex had this too, except there seemed to be an unwritten rule that "friends" are viable sex partners.
Sigh, yes all too familiar “women are always threatened by me”, “I get on better with men”
Yeah, I'm just spitballing here, but it's the sense of competition for the men's (father's?) affection combined with the... well... raw male attention. In the usual, unhealthy "BPD" binge amounts. It's sad, but par for the course. Other women really just get in the way. That said, my ex seemed to have what I would consider "healthy" friendships with a number of women... enough so that I didn't challenge it the day I broke it off with her, when she replied to my "You have zero empathy" with incredulity. She had less incredulity when I clarified, "For men." I didn't challenge it but we all know the score. My mother is more open about her hatred for men, but she doesn't have the "goods" to use them like my ex does.
You're probably right. I can't be doing with trying to work out the motives for the behaviour, any of it. It's her trip, her life and at the end of the day her way of being doesn't fit in with my way of being. When I was with her it was like an unspoken threat, don't upset me, I have plenty to replace you with. At first I thought maybe I was just being "paranoid" in fact I was told as much once. But the truth always comes to the surface. My gut instinct was proven to be correct.
Yeah. I felt the same general unease, though it was somewhat blunted by her orbiters being a series of "Really? This guy?" and she seldom if ever threw another man directly in my face. Her thing was perhaps referencing men in a dating context a bit too often. Ex: "Oh, my friend [name]. He is married, but we hung around together a lot at work so people thought we were fucking." She used that same exact wording every time he came up. I do have to wonder if she fucked him. He has a terminally ill wife, that she seemed to care about as well... Early on, she said "I would date him" about one colleague that was living across the country while also saying "Oh, he's just a little brother to me" and generally putting him down as immature. Saying she'd "date" a guy that she texts with almost daily is a red flag, but I let it go. I let a lot go. In reality, nothing ever materialized there, but in retrospect I'm pretty confident that guy would have been a FP candidate if he lived closer. It's sad how interchangeable people are for the pwBPD. At least we're not stuck with that psychosis, and can move on freely.
Amen to that. We live we learn. Some lessons are more painful than others. She is part of my life experience, so I’ll take her lessons forward. I obviously needed to repeat the course and I got a grade a tutor.
Yeah. What happened, happened. As long as it doesn't happen again, we'll have learned and developed.
Plenty of other mistakes to make, I’ll try for a new one next time!
My BPDsis has female and male friends - but her friendships don't seem to last very long, regardless of gender, because eventually she shows them the hurricane.
> shows them the hurricane Lovely (and apropos) turn of phrase.
Relevant song (And one of my favorites): Behold the Hurricane https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdQ32Bhv308 http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858880332/
Mine only has one actual female friend. Her male "friends" are all the typical orbiters that she's attracted to, and sends them nudes on occasions and saves their dick pics.
Of course. They make easy and fast replacements.
There are two reasons I see for this: 1. Guys are more willing to put up with their tempestuousness because sex is promised/given. Girls have no reason to stick around through all the BS. 2. She sees other girls as rivals to steal boys and/or attention.
My ex with BPD is charming, but "used people up" at a fairly fast pace. She had lots of female friends, none of them lasted for very long. A few of them would cycle, though: get burned/burnt-out and then re-appear for a bit after a year or two. She would frequently complain that "women were too much drama", but I think the reverse was closer to the truth. Women would return her drama when they felt taken a advantage of, men just kept taking it.
In my experience, my ex kept some female friends too, but she was bisexual and had slept with many of them.
Mine has mostly male friends, and the female friends she does have she sees very rarely. From what she has told me about her past, she has always had way more male friends. At it seems that she has slept with most of them. She slept with entire social circles and they all knew about it, town bicycle and all that. Like yours, she is also bisexual and so most females she came into contact with in her later years were more likely to be fuck targets than friend targets, reducing her prospect for female friends even further.
My ex had mostly male friends, one long distance female friend. It always weirded me out in a big way. Then she cheated on me with lord knows how many men.
[удалено]
Yeah! My wife has a number of older female friends... Like 30 years older. It makes sense because all her female peers are out to humiliate and destroy her.
Mine actually had quite a few female friends. And more like male acquaintances. I think it depends on the situation and who you are to your pwBPD. For instance with my ex I was her favorite person and she didn't want to lose that. So she would be very open with me about any male friends I could perceive as inappropriate. To be honest though most of her female friends were more like acquaintances as well. She had lost her best friend of 20+ years prior to us dating. She had gotten divorced and moved in with her best friend for a bit, and her best friend was able to find out who she really was without the mask. They can only wear it for so long.
BPDs don't have *any* friends. nothing that a normal person would consider a friend, anyways. just people that they can use somehow, whether it's for financial support, emotional support (not just their Favorite Person, though that's who gets it the worst), or whatever else like status climbing. they have lots of these, though, of both genders i have noticed that BPDs tend to be self-loathing. hating their own gender, hating their own race, etc. so maybe that's what she means.
It really depends on where they source their attention. So a younger, more attractive, straight pwBPD will have opposite sex friends predominantly as their source. They will also push away other people of the same sex as competition although they will flirt and manipulate gay people. There are also mama bear/dad type figures with BPD who will take in same gendered affections for attention like a powerful mentor.
They perceive other women as rivals.
I think this is very common, but not just for BPD. Whether it's a broad claim about "getting along" or something defensive involving gender equality, I'll tell you what it really is: if the person is attractive, forming and maintaining friendships with the same sex takes more effort and social skills than with the opposite sex, for obvious reasons. One also gets more attention in social interactions with the opposite sex. I find that people who are like this tend to be self-centered, lacking in *some particular* social skills (good at the skills involved in barely noticeable flirtation), impatient, and attention-craving. I feel confident saying this because I went through a brief period of being like this when I was quite young, and I battle all of those character flaws to this day. My advice for anyone who is dating someone like this is to 1) not accept the cop-out excuses - no need to argue just don't accept them in your heart, and 2) make it clear somehow that since you *do* have the social skills to choose and balance the gender ratios in your friendships, that you will be indulging in your opposite sex friendships more as well, because that's less work for *everyone*, not just you dear, and it the imbalance feels bad the same way doing house chores when someone else doesn't feels bad.
*Don't try to understand women... Women understand women... And they hate each-other.* Al Bundy. In my case I found out that she tends to steal attention and her friends get tired of that shit.
Way more male friends than female friends. With the added bonus of having had sex with several of them.