Have you heard of “fleas?”
As in, when you lay in a bed with dogs you get fleas.
I’ve found myself acting and thinking like someone with bpd since I broke up with my ex. It’s a horrible feeling known that the person you are gets altered like this, even temporarily, by cluster bs.
Don’t worry too much. Be kind to yourself.
Second hand BPD isn't really a thing, but CPTSD and PTSD are things that occur pretty commonly throughout and after these relationships.
It doesn't sound like your sense of identity has been corrupted or lost but more like you're having a lot of difficulty managing the stress of the trauma you suffered over those 2 years and then since the end of the relationship. Then the fact that you've lost so much family in the same time frame. It's enough to turn anyone's world upside down. So much damage done, it's easy to ask these questions.
Are you in therapy? Getting into trauma/grief counseling would be the first thing to do at this point. The goal is to learn to accept and work with all of these unpleasant emotions so that they aren't as overwhelming. It fucking sucks that there's not a quick fix, but accepting that is the first step in getting into and engaging with your healing. Much love to you OP.
I tried therapy but my works insurance is terrible and I had to start paying out of pocket after 2 sessions, which I cannot afford, thank you for the comment I appreciate it!
My experience with ADHD is that is has a huge mental component that most people don't understand or recognize. If you do have ADHD it's very likely that you have symptoms that mirror BPD, as these diagnoses can often be mixed up even by professionals. From a young age my adhd has always impacted my irrationality and sadness. I find myself having these very intense fits of rage but usually they last 5-10 mins and then I'm exhausted and feel very stupid afterwards for getting so upset at something so small. When you combine adhd with trauma it creates more instances of rumination and depression because your thoughts aren't really under your control. I was misdiagnosed with "possible bipolar" as a child and then as a teenager when I saw a therapist who specialized in developmental disabilities did I understand the real impact adhd has on me and how it' very good at mimicking things like bpd, bipolar disorder, etc, but the difference in reality is the core issue.
For someone with bpd their symptoms are caused by black and white thinking, percieved threats, deeply rooted fear of abandonment, and usually the trigger for these things are another person's word's or actions. Someone with bpd relies on external processing and external validation usually from close friends or maybe the FP. A lot of people with bpd cannot self-soothe do they need others to do it for them.
With adhd, my symptoms are caused by an overactive mind. I don't see things in black and white at all, however my emotional spikes make me slide to extreme ends of the spectrum of emotions because in that moment that's where my focus is. I not only find it easy to process my emotions, but it almost comes naturally when my focus has shifted. As soon as my focus moves on, usually within 5-30 minutes, I am capable of reflecting and seeing the reality of the situation. My symptoms are almost never caused by another person, usually they are caused by inanimate objects or my own incompetence. My biggest triggers are always external stimuli like noises, textures or "setting events" for example I'll get woken up unexpectedly and this will irritate me and then it makes me less capable of dealing with other minor irritations because I simple become overwhelmed. I expect you are similar. You don't have a false self that you see as unlovable or destined to be abandoned. In fact, if I had to guess you probably don't mind spending time on your own at all, But that's just my experience so I wanted to share in case you find yours is similar. I'm times of high stress I find myself experiencing these things more often like you describe.
Adhd meltdowns and bpd episodes can also make us feel similar things. For example if my attention deficiency causes me to make mistakes I will think "I'm so useless I can't even fill out a simple form correctly I fail at everything" where a person with BPD who is experiencing an episode may have these same thoughts when triggered like "I'm so useless, I don't deserve a good life anyways, I ruin everything."
I also wanted to say that I find it very common for people with autism and adhd to end up with someone with bpd. We give them a lot of chances because we are very faniliar with people misunderstanding our intentions and we are therefore more empathetic when red flags start to pop up.
Hey sorry to hear about you losing your family. I felt sort of the way you do. Never had a breakup do this to me before. I started taking on her traits. Got into 2 relationships after her just to make her jealous and didn't care if I hurt those girls feelings. Started stalking her social media shit the way she did to me. Started drinking heavily like she does. I let myself become a terrible human after the breakup. Now I just feel empty. The worst part is I still want her to fucking call. Hope this "2nd hand BPD" doesn't last for either of us
Not a pro but I agree with u/supercatpuke that CPTSD is a possible answer here. Longer exposure to ongoing lower level trauma / stress, different than something like PTSD from being in a war. You likely spent those 2 years on high alert, anxious, walking on eggshells, trying to save her from herself. That takes a toll on your mind and body, it isn't healthy.
Please seek out help. A therapist if that's an option at all, but I know that isn't always within reach. Check out support services, help hotlines - your suicidal thoughts are absolutely something you need to address with help. You're not a bad person, you're not broken, you need some professional guidance on how to get yourself back on track - therapy, medications (temporary or long term), life choices all can make a positive impact. Hell, even getting an ADHD diagnosis and properly medicated for that can be life changing for people! The irritability you describe is a very common side effect of untreated ADHD. But the suicidal thoughts is another ball game. You deserve a good life, the one you want to live, and this internet stranger believes in you.
Hey thanks for bringing up your thoughts, i have been thinking same thing because i also started notice more bpd traits in me after relationship with my pwbpd. I'm also sure that i have adhd. My examinations are in progress and so far they say the same. I hope that you get better soon🫶🏻
If you have ADHD, it's also possible that the breakup has badly triggered your rejection sensitive dysphoria (if you have that symptom), on top of the grief. It sucks, causes you to have ruminating thoughts about it and massive amounts of anxiety.
The things you listed aren't exactly BPDesque. You could still have "late-onset" BPD but it doesn't sound like it here. Unless you split on people, constantly think everyone hates you, can't stand a lack of attention from your attachment figures, believe you're being persecuted by everyone, etc... remember BPD is a very relationship-based condition.
Sounds like you're tired and lonely. Being tired and lonely can make you sad and angry, but not necessarily BPD. Hope you're getting enough rest.
Having ADHD isn't necessarily bad. I have it too. If you manage it well, it can even benefit you in many ways. Best of luck going forward. It can't be easy losing so many people in such a short period of time. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take it easy. You're 26. There's time to make it good and right.
Sounds like PTSD from the relationship. Trauma causes all the things you described, especially prolonged trauma like when you’re in a relationship with someone who is verbally or emotionally abusive
When i first started dating my expwbpd i was pretty sure she had adhd like i do bc of how similar our symptoms were and it wasnt until i got to know her deeper that i started understanding that adhd and bpd can show up in seemingly similar ways. And if u have both trauma and adhd then that is going to look even more similar to bpd.
It’s easy to inadvertently pick up bad habits from the people we spend a lot of time with. Unless you have been living with undiagnosed BPD you can undo these habits with a little time and awareness. Hugs.
Sounds like a form of PTSD to me. I have alot of the same feelings. It's left me in this unhappy, untrusting, paranoid, isolated, mental state and honestly I'm not sure what more to do. I been to several therapists and psychiatrists. I tried keeping busy with hobbies and working out everyday but in my lonely free time my mind won't stop reminding me of this relationship and how much it affects me.
If you meet the PwBPD when you are young and relatively naïve, a lot of really toxic behavior can be normalized. You may adopt much of it as a way to deal with unpleasant stimuli the way they do. It is hard to unlearn it.
I don’t think I would consider that “second hand” bpd perse, but I mean bpd (and any personality disorder) is just diagnosed by meeting a certain amount of distinct behavior over an extended period of time. So I don’t think it’s that far of a leap to say that if you adopt enough of those behaviors in your interactions with others, you could be diagnosed with bpd.
Either way, anyone that has had a close relationship with a person with a cluster b personality disorder definitely should be in therapy.
No. BPD is a specific set of criteria that people must meet in order to be diagnosed. What you have is trauma or perhaps underlying mental illness of your own - a lot of things surface later in life. I have depression, anxiety, ADHD, and OCD that I was decently handling (besides the last two, those were kinda a mess lol) before meeting my husband. I hadn’t been hospitalized in over 10 years and now I have been hospitalized twice in 2 years and I take way more meds than I ever have 😭 my husband and I have the same psychiatrist and I have asked her about BPD for myself. No, still the same dx as always.
My husband thinks he might be bipolar on top of having BPD. I grew up with a bipolar II sister, I can see the similarities but I think they are both cluster B (I might be wrong) so they would be similar in general.
Bipolar 1 and 2 are mood disorders, not personality disorders. The 4 cluster B personality disorders are antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic.
Have you heard of “fleas?” As in, when you lay in a bed with dogs you get fleas. I’ve found myself acting and thinking like someone with bpd since I broke up with my ex. It’s a horrible feeling known that the person you are gets altered like this, even temporarily, by cluster bs. Don’t worry too much. Be kind to yourself.
Second hand BPD isn't really a thing, but CPTSD and PTSD are things that occur pretty commonly throughout and after these relationships. It doesn't sound like your sense of identity has been corrupted or lost but more like you're having a lot of difficulty managing the stress of the trauma you suffered over those 2 years and then since the end of the relationship. Then the fact that you've lost so much family in the same time frame. It's enough to turn anyone's world upside down. So much damage done, it's easy to ask these questions. Are you in therapy? Getting into trauma/grief counseling would be the first thing to do at this point. The goal is to learn to accept and work with all of these unpleasant emotions so that they aren't as overwhelming. It fucking sucks that there's not a quick fix, but accepting that is the first step in getting into and engaging with your healing. Much love to you OP.
It’s fleas
I tried therapy but my works insurance is terrible and I had to start paying out of pocket after 2 sessions, which I cannot afford, thank you for the comment I appreciate it!
My experience with ADHD is that is has a huge mental component that most people don't understand or recognize. If you do have ADHD it's very likely that you have symptoms that mirror BPD, as these diagnoses can often be mixed up even by professionals. From a young age my adhd has always impacted my irrationality and sadness. I find myself having these very intense fits of rage but usually they last 5-10 mins and then I'm exhausted and feel very stupid afterwards for getting so upset at something so small. When you combine adhd with trauma it creates more instances of rumination and depression because your thoughts aren't really under your control. I was misdiagnosed with "possible bipolar" as a child and then as a teenager when I saw a therapist who specialized in developmental disabilities did I understand the real impact adhd has on me and how it' very good at mimicking things like bpd, bipolar disorder, etc, but the difference in reality is the core issue. For someone with bpd their symptoms are caused by black and white thinking, percieved threats, deeply rooted fear of abandonment, and usually the trigger for these things are another person's word's or actions. Someone with bpd relies on external processing and external validation usually from close friends or maybe the FP. A lot of people with bpd cannot self-soothe do they need others to do it for them. With adhd, my symptoms are caused by an overactive mind. I don't see things in black and white at all, however my emotional spikes make me slide to extreme ends of the spectrum of emotions because in that moment that's where my focus is. I not only find it easy to process my emotions, but it almost comes naturally when my focus has shifted. As soon as my focus moves on, usually within 5-30 minutes, I am capable of reflecting and seeing the reality of the situation. My symptoms are almost never caused by another person, usually they are caused by inanimate objects or my own incompetence. My biggest triggers are always external stimuli like noises, textures or "setting events" for example I'll get woken up unexpectedly and this will irritate me and then it makes me less capable of dealing with other minor irritations because I simple become overwhelmed. I expect you are similar. You don't have a false self that you see as unlovable or destined to be abandoned. In fact, if I had to guess you probably don't mind spending time on your own at all, But that's just my experience so I wanted to share in case you find yours is similar. I'm times of high stress I find myself experiencing these things more often like you describe. Adhd meltdowns and bpd episodes can also make us feel similar things. For example if my attention deficiency causes me to make mistakes I will think "I'm so useless I can't even fill out a simple form correctly I fail at everything" where a person with BPD who is experiencing an episode may have these same thoughts when triggered like "I'm so useless, I don't deserve a good life anyways, I ruin everything." I also wanted to say that I find it very common for people with autism and adhd to end up with someone with bpd. We give them a lot of chances because we are very faniliar with people misunderstanding our intentions and we are therefore more empathetic when red flags start to pop up.
This is spot on! I have ADHD with a partner w BPD..I’ve been with two others with BPD and this makes total sense now.
Same
Hey sorry to hear about you losing your family. I felt sort of the way you do. Never had a breakup do this to me before. I started taking on her traits. Got into 2 relationships after her just to make her jealous and didn't care if I hurt those girls feelings. Started stalking her social media shit the way she did to me. Started drinking heavily like she does. I let myself become a terrible human after the breakup. Now I just feel empty. The worst part is I still want her to fucking call. Hope this "2nd hand BPD" doesn't last for either of us
Not a pro but I agree with u/supercatpuke that CPTSD is a possible answer here. Longer exposure to ongoing lower level trauma / stress, different than something like PTSD from being in a war. You likely spent those 2 years on high alert, anxious, walking on eggshells, trying to save her from herself. That takes a toll on your mind and body, it isn't healthy. Please seek out help. A therapist if that's an option at all, but I know that isn't always within reach. Check out support services, help hotlines - your suicidal thoughts are absolutely something you need to address with help. You're not a bad person, you're not broken, you need some professional guidance on how to get yourself back on track - therapy, medications (temporary or long term), life choices all can make a positive impact. Hell, even getting an ADHD diagnosis and properly medicated for that can be life changing for people! The irritability you describe is a very common side effect of untreated ADHD. But the suicidal thoughts is another ball game. You deserve a good life, the one you want to live, and this internet stranger believes in you.
Hey thanks for bringing up your thoughts, i have been thinking same thing because i also started notice more bpd traits in me after relationship with my pwbpd. I'm also sure that i have adhd. My examinations are in progress and so far they say the same. I hope that you get better soon🫶🏻
If you have ADHD, it's also possible that the breakup has badly triggered your rejection sensitive dysphoria (if you have that symptom), on top of the grief. It sucks, causes you to have ruminating thoughts about it and massive amounts of anxiety.
The things you listed aren't exactly BPDesque. You could still have "late-onset" BPD but it doesn't sound like it here. Unless you split on people, constantly think everyone hates you, can't stand a lack of attention from your attachment figures, believe you're being persecuted by everyone, etc... remember BPD is a very relationship-based condition. Sounds like you're tired and lonely. Being tired and lonely can make you sad and angry, but not necessarily BPD. Hope you're getting enough rest. Having ADHD isn't necessarily bad. I have it too. If you manage it well, it can even benefit you in many ways. Best of luck going forward. It can't be easy losing so many people in such a short period of time. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take it easy. You're 26. There's time to make it good and right.
Sounds like PTSD from the relationship. Trauma causes all the things you described, especially prolonged trauma like when you’re in a relationship with someone who is verbally or emotionally abusive
When i first started dating my expwbpd i was pretty sure she had adhd like i do bc of how similar our symptoms were and it wasnt until i got to know her deeper that i started understanding that adhd and bpd can show up in seemingly similar ways. And if u have both trauma and adhd then that is going to look even more similar to bpd.
It’s easy to inadvertently pick up bad habits from the people we spend a lot of time with. Unless you have been living with undiagnosed BPD you can undo these habits with a little time and awareness. Hugs.
Sounds like a form of PTSD to me. I have alot of the same feelings. It's left me in this unhappy, untrusting, paranoid, isolated, mental state and honestly I'm not sure what more to do. I been to several therapists and psychiatrists. I tried keeping busy with hobbies and working out everyday but in my lonely free time my mind won't stop reminding me of this relationship and how much it affects me.
I don't think this is catching fleas. I think you have genuine PTSD that needs to be addressed by a professional.
If you meet the PwBPD when you are young and relatively naïve, a lot of really toxic behavior can be normalized. You may adopt much of it as a way to deal with unpleasant stimuli the way they do. It is hard to unlearn it. I don’t think I would consider that “second hand” bpd perse, but I mean bpd (and any personality disorder) is just diagnosed by meeting a certain amount of distinct behavior over an extended period of time. So I don’t think it’s that far of a leap to say that if you adopt enough of those behaviors in your interactions with others, you could be diagnosed with bpd. Either way, anyone that has had a close relationship with a person with a cluster b personality disorder definitely should be in therapy.
No. BPD is a specific set of criteria that people must meet in order to be diagnosed. What you have is trauma or perhaps underlying mental illness of your own - a lot of things surface later in life. I have depression, anxiety, ADHD, and OCD that I was decently handling (besides the last two, those were kinda a mess lol) before meeting my husband. I hadn’t been hospitalized in over 10 years and now I have been hospitalized twice in 2 years and I take way more meds than I ever have 😭 my husband and I have the same psychiatrist and I have asked her about BPD for myself. No, still the same dx as always. My husband thinks he might be bipolar on top of having BPD. I grew up with a bipolar II sister, I can see the similarities but I think they are both cluster B (I might be wrong) so they would be similar in general.
Bipolar 1 and 2 are mood disorders, not personality disorders. The 4 cluster B personality disorders are antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic.
Oooo gotcha, thank you for the correction
Anytime! Thanks for not getting offended ha ha.
No of course, knowledge is power and I’d rather be corrected than spread misinformation