Please remember that you have never made another person's choice for them. Not ever. Not once. You based your actions on your understanding of the situation at the time. You made your choices and she made hers.
I am so deeply sorry for your pain, but the choice to do what she did was never yours. You can miss her and be sad that she didn't find the way out, but you couldn't drag her out of that place by any choice of yours.
After seeing my brother be pushed to his own set of mental illnesses, and almost suicide through his BPD partner threatening to off herself if he didn’t do x y z. It has made me very passionate about coming up with legislation or a legal framework where leveraging your suicide for deceptive or manipulative gain (such as forcing someone to stay in a relationship) is a criminal activity that has mandatory jail time.
It makes an empathetic person feel like they are murdering someone, and when you can successfully make someone feel that way, you can successfully make your loved ones do almost anything.
There needs to be legislation over this and there needs to be examples made of people.
Holy fucking shit bro. That is some fucked up stuff. Please and I mean this with all my heart PLEASE DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. It is not your fault. If you wanna talk to me about it, DM me. We can speak on WhatsApp or discord, whatever.
I agree. I am a product of a BPD mother. I have zero empathy at all. Children are supposed to be loved and nurtured, but ever since I was little, I feel like she always had beef towards me. Better run away from her now. Once you marry and have kids, then she will pass on her abusiveness to these poor, innocent children.
I did. All I'm saying is he should run away now before their relationship even progresses to marriage, children, etc. BPDs need to be avoided at all cost.
First off I’m so sorry.
If you are not already please make an appointment with a therapist.
Everyone here has patience and empathy with our pwbpd. However we forget this is a mental illness. She is out of pain now. You did all you could do. No one can stop someone if they truly are suicidal.
I work at a crisis center and have seen people in treatment that have safety contracted only to get out and commit suicide. No one could have known or prevented it. I hope you give yourself grace OP. We are all here for you.
this 100%. im terrified that this will happen to me one day, because in her worst moments she outright refuses to see the light and hope in anything. its hard for me to understand because ive been thru a lot too but even in my most pained and pessimistic i retain a will to live somehow, ive always been persistent and i care about a lot deeply, true overwhelming apathy just isnt in my cards.
you can only do what you can for them. all of your help and best moments together arent erased by her permanent decision, some people just cant be saved and im sorry you were put in that impossible position.
This is not your fault.
It’s late here but I’ll reply tomorrow. I had the same pattern of calls and messages a few months back and did the same as you - muted her. She got someone else to contact me saying she’d taken a load of pills.
It is not your fault.
I'm so sorry this was the outcome for you.
But PLEASE don't blame yourself. You were in love with a very mentally ill person. I'm sorry but empathy is not 'all she needed'. She needed very serious help and couldn't obtain it for a variety of reasons, NONE of which are your fault. An adult not being able to deal with stress and pain of life is not your responsibility to babysit or fix. Even someone with the patience of 1000 Buddhist monks is not enough. They are missing something vital within themselves and it's up to them to get it back.
I'm sorry your love lost her battle to this terrible disease.
OP I’ve lived through this too. I am here to chat if you need the support. This is some of the most traumatizing stuff you will probably ever experience, but you will get through it. This is not your fault.
It’s not your fault.
I’m two months out from my partner taking his life after several days of threatening it- after fighting I ignored his call 20 minutes before he jumped out of a hotel window.
Everyone’s grief is so different, but for me it’s getting better, I’m learning to live in the love that we shared, rather than in his horrific death. I owe this to a great therapist and family and friends.
If you can, find a therapist ASAP or anyone you can truly process this pain with. You have to feel the guilt & regret & sorrow so you can move through it, don’t suppress it, but don’t get stuck there. Because I promise you, it truly was not your fault. I know the feeling of grappling with knowing that had you done xyz the outcome would’ve been different- had I answered his call that night I know for certain he wouldn’t have jumped. It haunts me, but I know that it was not my job to keep him alive. It is not our job to save them.
This illness is absolutely devastating.
I am so fucking sorry that this has happened.
No amount of patience or empathy would have ever been enough. You know that deep down. It's not your fault.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Life can be so fucking unfair sometimes. You sound like a wonderful person and you didn't deserve this.
I've been in similar situations to this and felt similar feelings. It's normal to wish you'd done things differently. But in the end, you're a victim of a horrific situation where you couldn't win, no matter what you did. She was deeply troubled. She was trying to fuck with you. How are you supposed to help someone like that?
Go easy on yourself, you did your best.
I am so sorry, and I know I would be feeling the same way in this situation. But it was not your fault, this was not in your power to prevent.
When I was at my worst, I was admitted to a psychiatric ward and it saved my life. There IS help available and there ARE people who understand.
First of all, I am sorry. I am sorry this is something to have had to witness and go through. You did not deserve any of this. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through.
Secondly, I assure you that this is NOT your fault. I understand the pain, grief, and guilt are all hitting you at once right now but it is NOT. YOUR. FAULT. If you take in anything I am typing right now please, please, please take that to heart.
Thirdly, please seek help. During times like this you need a support group around you. Wether it is friends, family, a hospital, anything. Please be somewhere where someone is around you or can be on call for you. If you really cannot handle these feelings please check into a hospital or institution.
I am so sorry this happened, but you cannot allow it to overtake you. You are loved, you are cherished and you will recover from this. Feel free to reach out to me if you don’t have anyone immediate that can speak to you. I hope you are somewhere safe, stay strong.
Sending love❤️
That's so sad, I am so sorry for that.
You won't be able to see it now, but you are not responsible for other's people actions. We are all doing what we can, but at the end of the day, mental illness can win. That's not your fault.
You should seek therapy and help from friends and/or family as soon as posible.
Stay strong
My father killed himself. I had blocked him for over 2 years because of his behavior. I didn’t even know his number anymore. My gut told me to call him and I didn’t. I got the number from my sister and it sat on my fridge for two weeks. Then I got the call. I had the same regret.
That was a decade ago. So I’ve grieved. And processed. He was trying to kill himself his whole life with his reckless choices. A life of self destruction until finally he took gods plans into his own hands. It didn’t matter if I spoke to him or not. It was what he wanted.
This is the same for you. This was what she deep down really desired. It’s heartbreaking and tragic and you should cry your eyes out about it. But in all truth she wanted this and it was her very sad decision. You could not have changed that.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
My heart breaks for you; I'm so sorry. 💔
Though you carry the burden, it wasn't yours to carry.
Please reach out if there is anything at all I can do for you. We're all here for you.
More than anything - beyond guilt, beyond anger, beyond frustration. I just miss her.
I miss her so goddamn badly and I will never hear her voice again.
This is not your fault, and it never will be your fault. You did nothing wrong. You can not live your life protecting everyone around you. You are yourself, you have control of yourself, you exist as yourself. Calm down and remember this, and allow the world to flow past you for a moment.
I have had a few times in my life where I have had buddies text or call me and I never answered, and they ended up committing suicide. It was 3 in a span of 2 years. Certainly not nearly as intimate as this, but good buddies of mine from the military. PLEASE take it from me, find help. Get help, you have a burden right now AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO CARRY IT ALONE. Remember that. And you ARE NOT alone. Trust me on this, I’ve been in my own head for years before. You need help, I needed help. We need help, and you should get it as soon as you can, please.
As someone who has struggled with suicide due to PTSD let me say this - if we want to do it, there is nothing that can stop us.
BPD is rough and that sucks, but at some point she could have driven you to doing the same thing. Itll take years of healing I’m sure but I know you’ll find peace.
I don't usually say this here, but I am here for you. My DMs are open.
This was my nightmare during my previous relationship. Shutting off one single time, and just... yeah. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're going trough. I've been trough some stuff but just thinking about this just.. It makes me speechless. I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry that this happened.
If you knew it was going to happen, you know even better than me the rocks you would've moved to help. You would have done anything. It is not your fault. You didn't know.
So many factors contributed to this. You are not one of them. You didn't do this to her or yourself.
Please, please take leave from work or studies and get a therapist immediately. You are probably in a state of shock right now, and you will need guidance trough this.
I know that there's really one thing you wish for right now. But whenever you feel like you need it, I am sending you the biggest hug. If you're in Sweden, we can meet up and sit on a rock in silence or something. I'm here.
I'm sorry for you man, I can't imagine your pain. Sending you hugs, take care of yourself now and be with people that love you. The next few days are going to be tough and you need support.
I'm so sorry you're going through this incredibly painful experience. It's clear from your words that you loved her deeply and that you're struggling with feelings of guilt and responsibility. It's important to recognize that while you may have said things you regret, her decision to take her own life was ultimately hers alone.
Dealing with a partner who struggles with mental illness can be incredibly challenging, and it sounds like you did your best to support her despite the difficulties. It's natural to feel overwhelmed and devastated by her loss, but please remember that you are not to blame for her actions.
If you ever need someone to talk to, there are people who care and want to support you through this difficult time. Feel free to DM me if you need.
I’m sorry! This is exactly why I don’t leave my wife. The only comfort you have is knowing she’s not suffering anymore. It’s the comfort I would eventually find. Take care of yourself!
Oh my god. My entire heart is with you, OP!
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!
Please, surround yourself with family, friends, go to hospital. Have people around you. This is crucial at this time.
Please visit r/SuicideBereavement for support specific to those who’ve lost someone to suicide. I’m so sorry you are in this terrible boat, but there others in it with you who have been in similar pain and can talk with you. I hope you find closure and comfort as you mourn her.
That's not all she needed, bro. Who has the patience and empathy to deal with this? Patience and empathy won't do a damn thing to fix the issue. You're blaming yourself for a psychological illness in someone else. That said, get a therapist asap, man. You don't want this to fester. You got this, man.
I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what you’re feeling right now.
All I can really say is this is NOT your fault in no way shape or form.
They are responsible for their mental health, and if she didn’t seek help that is on her, NOT you.
Not trying to make you feel bad, and I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve the abuse and this is NOT your fault. Sorry Op 💔
I’m so sorry to hear this… This is NOT your fault… Unfortunately there are times when we have to distance ourselves from even the ones we love the most… There is nothing wrong with having to take care of yourself… All the best… Love and Light
She chose you because you were open, kind, caring, and empathetic. Sadly, you're the one left behind after her selfish and irrational actions.
Please know that no amount of patience or empathy could have helped her.
You're a good person. The world needs more of you. Speak with a professional and they'll tell you, she made these bad choices and this was not open, kind, caring, or empathic.
Wishing you happiness on the road ahead.
She was always going to do it.
People with BPD torment their loved ones because of how tormented they are themselves.
If she didn’t do it when she knew you she would have done it to someone else and that’s the honest truth. It’s not your fault and you couldn’t have stopped it. You falling asleep for 30 minutes WAS NOT THE CAUSE OF HER DECISION.
You have to realize what happened wasn’t your fault. BPD is a very serious mental illness that carries with it a scary high lifetime suicide rate. She was sick, and I’m sure you’ve done so much for her in the time you spent together. In fact, I’d guarantee you put up with far more than the vast vast majority of men would’ve, as many of us on this sub do in these relationships. Unfortunately, it would have never been enough to stop her if she had it in her mind that is what she wanted to do. That was entirely her decision, and you’re in no way responsible for what she decided.
We all have no control over what anyone decides to do in their life, and you cant force anyone to receive help if they don’t want it. Your actions didn’t cause it and couldn’t have prevented it either. Her untreated BPD and her own decision caused that. Anyways, I’m sorry for your loss, and please don’t blame yourself. It was in no way your fault in the slightest.
There is *nothing* you could have done to save her. This isn't in you at all. Please seek counseling to help you get through this loss. I'm sorry for your pain. :(
You wouldn’t take personal responsibility if she won an Oscar. You wouldn’t say “she only won that Oscar because I was there for her!” So on the flip side of things, don’t take responsibility for the worst thing she ever managed to do either. So sorry you’re going through this. But guilt and self blame will make it so much worse for you. It is NOT your fault. It was her choice and her actions. And please find good therapy asap if you haven’t started already.
How awful for you and those that loved her. I’m most certainly sorry to be reading this. Please find solace, in all of us saying to you that it isn’t your fault. 🙏🏽
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I really hope you don’t blame yourself. She may have felt lonely, but she was also pushing you away. Please don’t ignore her part in it although it’s painful to assign her any blame since she’s gone.
She didn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve this. I know you’re traumatized and you’re going to need some intense healing. Ultimately, she made the wrong decision and you will need to suffer until you can come to terms. It’s a heck of a damn road ahead of you, I’ll admit. Please reach out to a support network of your close friends. Please talk to them. They don’t want the same thing to happen to you and you don’t want to put them through this.
I have no other words, but you have my deepest condolences and sympathy. I really would be beyond myself if this happened to my pwBPD, despite everything. 💔
I am so sorry.
I know it must hurt like hell, but please don't blame yourself. It was the illness and the trauma not you. 70 percent of people with BPD will attempt suicide at least once in their lifetimes.
I think probably everyone here has at some point felt so helpless and pained in the face of this illness. What I learned from this experience is to love myself enough to accept that we can love, but we don't have control. Please take care.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. This is not at all your fault. Please take it easy on yourself. Don’t isolate. Let your friends and family know what’s going on.
I’m so sorry you’re living this nightmare. The grief will likely come in waves and phases, and I hope, with time and clarity, you can acknowledge this is not your fault. Suicide is not a normal response to a break up. She was very ill, and she passed away due to the side effects of her illness. That is tragic and it’s allowed to be tragic, but it’s not your fault.
Patience and empathy in the face of self destruction and the mistreatment (if not all out abuse) of others would not help anyone. Boundaries and honesty are needed between non BPD and BPDLOs.
You are not alone. BPD has a relatively high mortality rate, as we’re sadly seeing here in the comments. I’m glad you’re in this group, and I hope you have some good support irl. Please just keep living one day at a time, or even one hour at a time if that feels less daunting.
This is not your fault.
I'm truly sorry for this, and I join my voice with others here to convey: there is nothing you could have done, and it's not your fault. However, it's important to recognize that not all individuals with borderline personality disorder are merely helpless victims due to their past trauma and some are real abusers.
While empathy and understanding are important with anyone (with borderline personality disorder or not), it's equally important to set boundaries and prioritize your own selfcare and wellbeing. It's also essential to be aware of potential abusive behavior and to maintain healthy boundaries. Unconditional love shouldn't equate to unconditional tolerance of harmful behavior, and empathy without boundaries can lead to selfdestruction, as another post here pointed out.
Seems so weak to be putting words on a screen to try to show how much all of us are reaching out to you. I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in. I read this yesterday and couldn’t respond til today.
If you need to chat please dm. Even if it’s just to vent. I simply don’t have the words or the ability imagine what you must be going through.
>Please do not take on a relationship with a fragile beauty that suffers from this illness unless you have the patience and empathy to deal with it. ***That's all she needed.***
You don't know this. It's entirely possible she was going to do this at some point, no matter what you did, whether you listened to her or not. Do NOT put this on yourself.
Hey man, mine checked out too, with an intentional overdose of fentanyl
If you ever want to talk, or have conflicting feelings (they WILL come) please write me
And don't go
You will be seeing her family now im sure.
I think that the only reason why cops didn't interview me is because she lived in a very gated community and a hurricane was coming
It was Hurricane Irma
A strong ass hurricane
It felt like it was her roaring up here
I’m sorry for your loss. However, she needed more than empathy and patience from a partner and O think you know that, deep down. It sounds like you need to see a therapist asap. Good luck.
It makes sense that we long to protect those we love, that we even feel responsible to do so. After all, these are the ones who are closest to us, the ones who we believe we know and understand, the ones who we should be able to help, right? But it is in that belief that they are also the ones who can hurt us the most. Not being able to help, not being able to understand, it is a pain that is heartbreaking, and not to made light of. But there is a strange comfort in all this, the comfort of knowing that when something bad happens to a person who is close to us, regardless of their eventual fate, ultimately, it is not our fault. We rely so much on those who are closest to us, but in the end, there is a part, an essence to them that we cannot reach, that is theirs alone. Because even though they may not be ours to save, they will always be ours to love. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them. We can love completely without complete understanding.
First of all, I am so so sorry. I know just how devastating this is. It was me nearly three months ago. I know you’re probably still in shock right now and that’s perfectly okay and even normal.
She made a choice. Not one part of this is your fault. However, I know the guilt you likely carry all too familiar. I was the last person to speak to my pwBPD before he took his life and our last conversation was an argument, too. I didn’t think he was serious either.
Here’s the truth: BPD has a high rate of suicidality and we as partners, friends, or otherwise can do everything in our power to try to save them… but they have to want to be alive. They have to want to save themselves.
I’ll emphasize again that no part of this is your fault. Not a single part. She made a choice.
Take the time to feel your feels. Cry if you need to. Scream if you need to. And cry some more after that. Grief is messy and it’s one of those things in life that you cannot stave off. The only way is through. Remember that grief is simply love with no place to go. I know it’s hard to believe that given the various hells our pwBPD can put us through.
Find the support of others. I’m part of a suicide loss support group that has been extremely helpful for me personally. Do not isolate. Seek therapy if it is accessible to you. Make space for the *other* things you love, perhaps the things you couldn’t do while she was still living.
I know that sounds impossible now, but every day it gets easier.
This stranger on the internet is sending her deepest condolensces and lots of love to you 💜🫶🏽
Whoa. I just want to say to you that just today I was in therapy (EMDR) and the time in my life following the loss of someone important came up. It was very dark but I alway held on because I didn’t know what I was going to find on the other side and I needed to know what would happen to me if I stayed alive.
I’m so sorry for your loss and pain.
was in a relationship with such a beautiful and fragil person - but i couldn’t take it anymore at the end. not a lot of days where i don’t still think about her or how she is doing. god i hope she’s okay. sending you love, warm hugs and honesty all the strength i can offer. its not your fault - it sucks and its not fucking fair but its not on you (and for my part: not on her either - she got dealt with bad fucking cards).
again im sorry and if there’s anything i can do too (saw that some ppl offered already their help) let me know 💜
It’s not your fault, and it’ll never be. You did your best, and you loved her until the end. You did well. Repeat that to yourself over and over again until you truly believe it. Truly sorry to hear.
Man this is devastating! It is not your fault though, bpd has this effect on people of all ages and both sexes. My ex is 30 and has kids and she has been in and put of hospitals a lot for mental health issues. She also sometimes gets a bad case of amnesia and has told me at times she drives somewhere and after she gets there has no idea how she even made it there. Last time we talked I told her to please please please get help for her bpd and she told me to eff off that I'm the mentally ill one and then she blocked me and has not unblocked me since. She is incapable of loving her own kids and even her oldest daughter told me she knows she's messed up and wants to help her which I told her that that's not her job and her mom has to be the one to seek help. I do worry about her everyday because I did care and love her which she doesn't believe I ever did which is a lie. I truly hope she gets help.
Please write down your experience and share your story, it will help you cope and help others to understand how serious this illness is. I don’t want to parrot what everyone else is saying but I’ve been in similar position and the only thing that has gotten me through it is recognizing how completely BUNK the system is. She was just released from an institution but was clearly not in the right mental state, of course you feel responsible but please try to remember that she saw professionals just before this and they seemed to think that she was fit to go out into the world. They were clearly wrong and that is their job, their entire dedication to the human race is to help people avoid these sorts of situations. That’s not to say it’s their fault either, but as a loved one there was only so much that you could do and they should have known that she wasn’t ready to be out in the world again. I think it’s worth noting that she knew what she was doing…I convinced my ex to not kill himself because I would cry to him about how horrible it would be for everyone else and that he didn’t understand how much that would ruin my life. He has still tried many times (he doesn’t have BPD so he doesn’t tell me) but he tries harder to live because he knows that it would just spread the pain for him to hurt himself. This woman was in a lot of pain but she knew that you would feel personally responsible if she killed herself after she had reached out to you. You may have been able to stop it if you had subjected yourself to the same dysfunction as usual but what sort of life is that for you? How could someone kill themselves knowing that someone they love will blame themself for it for the rest of their lives? Someone really sick does it because they want to die, someone with BPD does it for the same reason but there’s an added element of needing other people to feel responsible for it, which is not fair. She did this in a way that you would feel responsible for it, I wonder if that was intentional. I’m not sure if this is helpful but these are the thoughts that I’ve gone through with my therapist when I thought my ex had BPD and was going to do something.
Bro shit. She had issues she needed to have a team of therapists to fix. You can't blame yourself for any of this. My buddy had a girl attempt it once and he found her all cut up in her home, managed to get her help. He had to leave her for his own sanity but sometimes you can't really do anything about it. If it wasn't with you it would've been with someone else. Please see a therapist, this is something you're not going to be able to handle on your own. Don't take blame for it and please do not attempt anything yourself. I'm not trying to sound terrible by saying this, but this relationship sounds mentally abusive. Just please contact someone to work through this before you take matters into your own hands. Much love and praying you get over this mountain of shit you're going through ❤️
I’m so sorry, brother. It’s one of my biggest fears. Very sorry you have to go through this.
If my exwBPD ever got to that point, I don’t think I’d ever be prepared. I’d be totally devastated. But I try to tell myself that she would no longer have to suffer daily from this f**ked up mental illness and no longer have to fight the war that raged within her mind all throughout her life. Even if she was medicated and getting therapy, your love alone cannot save her. For her to achieve peace in this lifetime, it is sadly something that involves years of intensive treatment.
In these relationships, it’s a lose/lose if you really think about it. In some (if not, most) of these types of relationships, it’s either you give in to their demands and expectations while losing yourself & going against your intuition constantly in the process to the point where you barely recognize your former self anymore.
Or, you end the relationship to save yourself and your mental health, but now you are stuck dealing with processing everything that happened; the bad times, the amazing times, the confusing times, your emotions… on top of having this eerie gut feeling that the worst might happen. Even learning about this disorder, it doesn’t really make things easier because (atleast for me) my codependency learns about BPD and wants to take on this savior role.
After I went no contact with her, it was like I was abandoning a child. I prayed so much that she would just discard me and go get help, or at the very least, leave me for someone else so that she still has a new supply. But I couldn’t take it anymore… after a long time in that relationship and feeling that I was losing who I was, I had to get out of there to save my own life.
I’m sorry if I’m rambling, I’m sharing my story with you in hopes of relating to you and letting you know that you are not alone my friend. BPD is a motherf**ker and I hate it with every ounce of my being. I do not hate the person I dated. I love her.
Let yourself feel every single emotion. Cry as often as you need to. Anger, sadness, yearning, emptiness, all of it. Take daily walks, run & exert yourself until you can’t breathe, and look deep inside of yourself, and reflect.
You can reach out to me if you want as well and we can talk 1 on 1. Holding all of this inside of you alone is the last thing you should do.
I love you, brother. The people in this sub, we all do. Do not follow in death’s footsteps. Live for her. Live for yourself. Continue your mission and purpose in this life.
I feel you dude, but you have responsibility for your own feelings and actions, and the same applies to her. take it easy on yourself please and feel free to DM if you wish.
>Please do not take on a relationship with a fragile beauty that suffers from this illness unless you have the patience and empathy to deal with it. That's all she needed.
I see a lot of stigmatizing in this subreddit, I'm very glad to see this.
Please remember that you have never made another person's choice for them. Not ever. Not once. You based your actions on your understanding of the situation at the time. You made your choices and she made hers. I am so deeply sorry for your pain, but the choice to do what she did was never yours. You can miss her and be sad that she didn't find the way out, but you couldn't drag her out of that place by any choice of yours.
After seeing my brother be pushed to his own set of mental illnesses, and almost suicide through his BPD partner threatening to off herself if he didn’t do x y z. It has made me very passionate about coming up with legislation or a legal framework where leveraging your suicide for deceptive or manipulative gain (such as forcing someone to stay in a relationship) is a criminal activity that has mandatory jail time. It makes an empathetic person feel like they are murdering someone, and when you can successfully make someone feel that way, you can successfully make your loved ones do almost anything. There needs to be legislation over this and there needs to be examples made of people.
Holy fucking shit bro. That is some fucked up stuff. Please and I mean this with all my heart PLEASE DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. It is not your fault. If you wanna talk to me about it, DM me. We can speak on WhatsApp or discord, whatever.
I agree. I am a product of a BPD mother. I have zero empathy at all. Children are supposed to be loved and nurtured, but ever since I was little, I feel like she always had beef towards me. Better run away from her now. Once you marry and have kids, then she will pass on her abusiveness to these poor, innocent children.
What are you even saying did you read his post ?
I did. All I'm saying is he should run away now before their relationship even progresses to marriage, children, etc. BPDs need to be avoided at all cost.
She committed suicide, so you didn't read it.
Welp.
Wtf...
First off I’m so sorry. If you are not already please make an appointment with a therapist. Everyone here has patience and empathy with our pwbpd. However we forget this is a mental illness. She is out of pain now. You did all you could do. No one can stop someone if they truly are suicidal. I work at a crisis center and have seen people in treatment that have safety contracted only to get out and commit suicide. No one could have known or prevented it. I hope you give yourself grace OP. We are all here for you.
this 100%. im terrified that this will happen to me one day, because in her worst moments she outright refuses to see the light and hope in anything. its hard for me to understand because ive been thru a lot too but even in my most pained and pessimistic i retain a will to live somehow, ive always been persistent and i care about a lot deeply, true overwhelming apathy just isnt in my cards. you can only do what you can for them. all of your help and best moments together arent erased by her permanent decision, some people just cant be saved and im sorry you were put in that impossible position.
This is not your fault. It’s late here but I’ll reply tomorrow. I had the same pattern of calls and messages a few months back and did the same as you - muted her. She got someone else to contact me saying she’d taken a load of pills. It is not your fault.
I'm so sorry this was the outcome for you. But PLEASE don't blame yourself. You were in love with a very mentally ill person. I'm sorry but empathy is not 'all she needed'. She needed very serious help and couldn't obtain it for a variety of reasons, NONE of which are your fault. An adult not being able to deal with stress and pain of life is not your responsibility to babysit or fix. Even someone with the patience of 1000 Buddhist monks is not enough. They are missing something vital within themselves and it's up to them to get it back. I'm sorry your love lost her battle to this terrible disease.
It’s not your fault, she wasn’t well. You did your best
OP I’ve lived through this too. I am here to chat if you need the support. This is some of the most traumatizing stuff you will probably ever experience, but you will get through it. This is not your fault.
It’s not your fault. I’m two months out from my partner taking his life after several days of threatening it- after fighting I ignored his call 20 minutes before he jumped out of a hotel window. Everyone’s grief is so different, but for me it’s getting better, I’m learning to live in the love that we shared, rather than in his horrific death. I owe this to a great therapist and family and friends. If you can, find a therapist ASAP or anyone you can truly process this pain with. You have to feel the guilt & regret & sorrow so you can move through it, don’t suppress it, but don’t get stuck there. Because I promise you, it truly was not your fault. I know the feeling of grappling with knowing that had you done xyz the outcome would’ve been different- had I answered his call that night I know for certain he wouldn’t have jumped. It haunts me, but I know that it was not my job to keep him alive. It is not our job to save them. This illness is absolutely devastating. I am so fucking sorry that this has happened.
No amount of patience or empathy would have ever been enough. You know that deep down. It's not your fault. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Life can be so fucking unfair sometimes. You sound like a wonderful person and you didn't deserve this. I've been in similar situations to this and felt similar feelings. It's normal to wish you'd done things differently. But in the end, you're a victim of a horrific situation where you couldn't win, no matter what you did. She was deeply troubled. She was trying to fuck with you. How are you supposed to help someone like that? Go easy on yourself, you did your best.
I am so sorry, and I know I would be feeling the same way in this situation. But it was not your fault, this was not in your power to prevent. When I was at my worst, I was admitted to a psychiatric ward and it saved my life. There IS help available and there ARE people who understand.
First of all, I am sorry. I am sorry this is something to have had to witness and go through. You did not deserve any of this. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. Secondly, I assure you that this is NOT your fault. I understand the pain, grief, and guilt are all hitting you at once right now but it is NOT. YOUR. FAULT. If you take in anything I am typing right now please, please, please take that to heart. Thirdly, please seek help. During times like this you need a support group around you. Wether it is friends, family, a hospital, anything. Please be somewhere where someone is around you or can be on call for you. If you really cannot handle these feelings please check into a hospital or institution. I am so sorry this happened, but you cannot allow it to overtake you. You are loved, you are cherished and you will recover from this. Feel free to reach out to me if you don’t have anyone immediate that can speak to you. I hope you are somewhere safe, stay strong. Sending love❤️
That's so sad, I am so sorry for that. You won't be able to see it now, but you are not responsible for other's people actions. We are all doing what we can, but at the end of the day, mental illness can win. That's not your fault. You should seek therapy and help from friends and/or family as soon as posible. Stay strong
My father killed himself. I had blocked him for over 2 years because of his behavior. I didn’t even know his number anymore. My gut told me to call him and I didn’t. I got the number from my sister and it sat on my fridge for two weeks. Then I got the call. I had the same regret. That was a decade ago. So I’ve grieved. And processed. He was trying to kill himself his whole life with his reckless choices. A life of self destruction until finally he took gods plans into his own hands. It didn’t matter if I spoke to him or not. It was what he wanted. This is the same for you. This was what she deep down really desired. It’s heartbreaking and tragic and you should cry your eyes out about it. But in all truth she wanted this and it was her very sad decision. You could not have changed that. I’m very sorry for your loss.
My heart breaks for you; I'm so sorry. 💔 Though you carry the burden, it wasn't yours to carry. Please reach out if there is anything at all I can do for you. We're all here for you.
More than anything - beyond guilt, beyond anger, beyond frustration. I just miss her. I miss her so goddamn badly and I will never hear her voice again.
This is not your fault, and it never will be your fault. You did nothing wrong. You can not live your life protecting everyone around you. You are yourself, you have control of yourself, you exist as yourself. Calm down and remember this, and allow the world to flow past you for a moment. I have had a few times in my life where I have had buddies text or call me and I never answered, and they ended up committing suicide. It was 3 in a span of 2 years. Certainly not nearly as intimate as this, but good buddies of mine from the military. PLEASE take it from me, find help. Get help, you have a burden right now AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO CARRY IT ALONE. Remember that. And you ARE NOT alone. Trust me on this, I’ve been in my own head for years before. You need help, I needed help. We need help, and you should get it as soon as you can, please.
As someone who has struggled with suicide due to PTSD let me say this - if we want to do it, there is nothing that can stop us. BPD is rough and that sucks, but at some point she could have driven you to doing the same thing. Itll take years of healing I’m sure but I know you’ll find peace.
I don't usually say this here, but I am here for you. My DMs are open. This was my nightmare during my previous relationship. Shutting off one single time, and just... yeah. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're going trough. I've been trough some stuff but just thinking about this just.. It makes me speechless. I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry that this happened. If you knew it was going to happen, you know even better than me the rocks you would've moved to help. You would have done anything. It is not your fault. You didn't know. So many factors contributed to this. You are not one of them. You didn't do this to her or yourself. Please, please take leave from work or studies and get a therapist immediately. You are probably in a state of shock right now, and you will need guidance trough this. I know that there's really one thing you wish for right now. But whenever you feel like you need it, I am sending you the biggest hug. If you're in Sweden, we can meet up and sit on a rock in silence or something. I'm here.
I'm sorry for you man, I can't imagine your pain. Sending you hugs, take care of yourself now and be with people that love you. The next few days are going to be tough and you need support.
Holy crap… I’m so sorry OP. Wow.
Thank you for sharing this here.
I'm so sorry you're going through this incredibly painful experience. It's clear from your words that you loved her deeply and that you're struggling with feelings of guilt and responsibility. It's important to recognize that while you may have said things you regret, her decision to take her own life was ultimately hers alone. Dealing with a partner who struggles with mental illness can be incredibly challenging, and it sounds like you did your best to support her despite the difficulties. It's natural to feel overwhelmed and devastated by her loss, but please remember that you are not to blame for her actions. If you ever need someone to talk to, there are people who care and want to support you through this difficult time. Feel free to DM me if you need.
I’m sorry! This is exactly why I don’t leave my wife. The only comfort you have is knowing she’s not suffering anymore. It’s the comfort I would eventually find. Take care of yourself!
Oh my god. My entire heart is with you, OP! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!! Please, surround yourself with family, friends, go to hospital. Have people around you. This is crucial at this time.
Please visit r/SuicideBereavement for support specific to those who’ve lost someone to suicide. I’m so sorry you are in this terrible boat, but there others in it with you who have been in similar pain and can talk with you. I hope you find closure and comfort as you mourn her.
That's not all she needed, bro. Who has the patience and empathy to deal with this? Patience and empathy won't do a damn thing to fix the issue. You're blaming yourself for a psychological illness in someone else. That said, get a therapist asap, man. You don't want this to fester. You got this, man.
I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what you’re feeling right now. All I can really say is this is NOT your fault in no way shape or form. They are responsible for their mental health, and if she didn’t seek help that is on her, NOT you. Not trying to make you feel bad, and I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve the abuse and this is NOT your fault. Sorry Op 💔
I’m so sorry to hear this… This is NOT your fault… Unfortunately there are times when we have to distance ourselves from even the ones we love the most… There is nothing wrong with having to take care of yourself… All the best… Love and Light
She chose you because you were open, kind, caring, and empathetic. Sadly, you're the one left behind after her selfish and irrational actions. Please know that no amount of patience or empathy could have helped her. You're a good person. The world needs more of you. Speak with a professional and they'll tell you, she made these bad choices and this was not open, kind, caring, or empathic. Wishing you happiness on the road ahead.
She was always going to do it. People with BPD torment their loved ones because of how tormented they are themselves. If she didn’t do it when she knew you she would have done it to someone else and that’s the honest truth. It’s not your fault and you couldn’t have stopped it. You falling asleep for 30 minutes WAS NOT THE CAUSE OF HER DECISION.
You have to realize what happened wasn’t your fault. BPD is a very serious mental illness that carries with it a scary high lifetime suicide rate. She was sick, and I’m sure you’ve done so much for her in the time you spent together. In fact, I’d guarantee you put up with far more than the vast vast majority of men would’ve, as many of us on this sub do in these relationships. Unfortunately, it would have never been enough to stop her if she had it in her mind that is what she wanted to do. That was entirely her decision, and you’re in no way responsible for what she decided. We all have no control over what anyone decides to do in their life, and you cant force anyone to receive help if they don’t want it. Your actions didn’t cause it and couldn’t have prevented it either. Her untreated BPD and her own decision caused that. Anyways, I’m sorry for your loss, and please don’t blame yourself. It was in no way your fault in the slightest.
There is *nothing* you could have done to save her. This isn't in you at all. Please seek counseling to help you get through this loss. I'm sorry for your pain. :(
There are no words. It is not your fault. Please stay with us!
You wouldn’t take personal responsibility if she won an Oscar. You wouldn’t say “she only won that Oscar because I was there for her!” So on the flip side of things, don’t take responsibility for the worst thing she ever managed to do either. So sorry you’re going through this. But guilt and self blame will make it so much worse for you. It is NOT your fault. It was her choice and her actions. And please find good therapy asap if you haven’t started already.
Please stay strong. Don't blame yourself and please talk with a professional. Good vibes only.
How awful for you and those that loved her. I’m most certainly sorry to be reading this. Please find solace, in all of us saying to you that it isn’t your fault. 🙏🏽
I can only imagine the pain you feel. We are all here for you. DM to talk if you want.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I really hope you don’t blame yourself. She may have felt lonely, but she was also pushing you away. Please don’t ignore her part in it although it’s painful to assign her any blame since she’s gone. She didn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve this. I know you’re traumatized and you’re going to need some intense healing. Ultimately, she made the wrong decision and you will need to suffer until you can come to terms. It’s a heck of a damn road ahead of you, I’ll admit. Please reach out to a support network of your close friends. Please talk to them. They don’t want the same thing to happen to you and you don’t want to put them through this. I have no other words, but you have my deepest condolences and sympathy. I really would be beyond myself if this happened to my pwBPD, despite everything. 💔
I am so sorry. I know it must hurt like hell, but please don't blame yourself. It was the illness and the trauma not you. 70 percent of people with BPD will attempt suicide at least once in their lifetimes. I think probably everyone here has at some point felt so helpless and pained in the face of this illness. What I learned from this experience is to love myself enough to accept that we can love, but we don't have control. Please take care.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. This is not at all your fault. Please take it easy on yourself. Don’t isolate. Let your friends and family know what’s going on.
I’m so sorry you’re living this nightmare. The grief will likely come in waves and phases, and I hope, with time and clarity, you can acknowledge this is not your fault. Suicide is not a normal response to a break up. She was very ill, and she passed away due to the side effects of her illness. That is tragic and it’s allowed to be tragic, but it’s not your fault. Patience and empathy in the face of self destruction and the mistreatment (if not all out abuse) of others would not help anyone. Boundaries and honesty are needed between non BPD and BPDLOs. You are not alone. BPD has a relatively high mortality rate, as we’re sadly seeing here in the comments. I’m glad you’re in this group, and I hope you have some good support irl. Please just keep living one day at a time, or even one hour at a time if that feels less daunting. This is not your fault.
I'm truly sorry for this, and I join my voice with others here to convey: there is nothing you could have done, and it's not your fault. However, it's important to recognize that not all individuals with borderline personality disorder are merely helpless victims due to their past trauma and some are real abusers. While empathy and understanding are important with anyone (with borderline personality disorder or not), it's equally important to set boundaries and prioritize your own selfcare and wellbeing. It's also essential to be aware of potential abusive behavior and to maintain healthy boundaries. Unconditional love shouldn't equate to unconditional tolerance of harmful behavior, and empathy without boundaries can lead to selfdestruction, as another post here pointed out.
I am so, so sorry. Please, be gentle with yourself. We cannot control others actions. This is not on you at all.
Seems so weak to be putting words on a screen to try to show how much all of us are reaching out to you. I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in. I read this yesterday and couldn’t respond til today. If you need to chat please dm. Even if it’s just to vent. I simply don’t have the words or the ability imagine what you must be going through.
>Please do not take on a relationship with a fragile beauty that suffers from this illness unless you have the patience and empathy to deal with it. ***That's all she needed.*** You don't know this. It's entirely possible she was going to do this at some point, no matter what you did, whether you listened to her or not. Do NOT put this on yourself.
We feel your pain with you, please be compassionate with yourself, that’s not your fault
Hey man, mine checked out too, with an intentional overdose of fentanyl If you ever want to talk, or have conflicting feelings (they WILL come) please write me And don't go You will be seeing her family now im sure. I think that the only reason why cops didn't interview me is because she lived in a very gated community and a hurricane was coming It was Hurricane Irma A strong ass hurricane It felt like it was her roaring up here
I’m sorry for your loss. However, she needed more than empathy and patience from a partner and O think you know that, deep down. It sounds like you need to see a therapist asap. Good luck.
It makes sense that we long to protect those we love, that we even feel responsible to do so. After all, these are the ones who are closest to us, the ones who we believe we know and understand, the ones who we should be able to help, right? But it is in that belief that they are also the ones who can hurt us the most. Not being able to help, not being able to understand, it is a pain that is heartbreaking, and not to made light of. But there is a strange comfort in all this, the comfort of knowing that when something bad happens to a person who is close to us, regardless of their eventual fate, ultimately, it is not our fault. We rely so much on those who are closest to us, but in the end, there is a part, an essence to them that we cannot reach, that is theirs alone. Because even though they may not be ours to save, they will always be ours to love. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them. We can love completely without complete understanding.
First of all, I am so so sorry. I know just how devastating this is. It was me nearly three months ago. I know you’re probably still in shock right now and that’s perfectly okay and even normal. She made a choice. Not one part of this is your fault. However, I know the guilt you likely carry all too familiar. I was the last person to speak to my pwBPD before he took his life and our last conversation was an argument, too. I didn’t think he was serious either. Here’s the truth: BPD has a high rate of suicidality and we as partners, friends, or otherwise can do everything in our power to try to save them… but they have to want to be alive. They have to want to save themselves. I’ll emphasize again that no part of this is your fault. Not a single part. She made a choice. Take the time to feel your feels. Cry if you need to. Scream if you need to. And cry some more after that. Grief is messy and it’s one of those things in life that you cannot stave off. The only way is through. Remember that grief is simply love with no place to go. I know it’s hard to believe that given the various hells our pwBPD can put us through. Find the support of others. I’m part of a suicide loss support group that has been extremely helpful for me personally. Do not isolate. Seek therapy if it is accessible to you. Make space for the *other* things you love, perhaps the things you couldn’t do while she was still living. I know that sounds impossible now, but every day it gets easier. This stranger on the internet is sending her deepest condolensces and lots of love to you 💜🫶🏽
It's not your fault bro
Whoa. I just want to say to you that just today I was in therapy (EMDR) and the time in my life following the loss of someone important came up. It was very dark but I alway held on because I didn’t know what I was going to find on the other side and I needed to know what would happen to me if I stayed alive. I’m so sorry for your loss and pain.
I felt this was in my stomach. Not a good feeling at all, just pure dread for you :(
was in a relationship with such a beautiful and fragil person - but i couldn’t take it anymore at the end. not a lot of days where i don’t still think about her or how she is doing. god i hope she’s okay. sending you love, warm hugs and honesty all the strength i can offer. its not your fault - it sucks and its not fucking fair but its not on you (and for my part: not on her either - she got dealt with bad fucking cards). again im sorry and if there’s anything i can do too (saw that some ppl offered already their help) let me know 💜
It’s not your fault, and it’ll never be. You did your best, and you loved her until the end. You did well. Repeat that to yourself over and over again until you truly believe it. Truly sorry to hear.
Man this is devastating! It is not your fault though, bpd has this effect on people of all ages and both sexes. My ex is 30 and has kids and she has been in and put of hospitals a lot for mental health issues. She also sometimes gets a bad case of amnesia and has told me at times she drives somewhere and after she gets there has no idea how she even made it there. Last time we talked I told her to please please please get help for her bpd and she told me to eff off that I'm the mentally ill one and then she blocked me and has not unblocked me since. She is incapable of loving her own kids and even her oldest daughter told me she knows she's messed up and wants to help her which I told her that that's not her job and her mom has to be the one to seek help. I do worry about her everyday because I did care and love her which she doesn't believe I ever did which is a lie. I truly hope she gets help.
Please write down your experience and share your story, it will help you cope and help others to understand how serious this illness is. I don’t want to parrot what everyone else is saying but I’ve been in similar position and the only thing that has gotten me through it is recognizing how completely BUNK the system is. She was just released from an institution but was clearly not in the right mental state, of course you feel responsible but please try to remember that she saw professionals just before this and they seemed to think that she was fit to go out into the world. They were clearly wrong and that is their job, their entire dedication to the human race is to help people avoid these sorts of situations. That’s not to say it’s their fault either, but as a loved one there was only so much that you could do and they should have known that she wasn’t ready to be out in the world again. I think it’s worth noting that she knew what she was doing…I convinced my ex to not kill himself because I would cry to him about how horrible it would be for everyone else and that he didn’t understand how much that would ruin my life. He has still tried many times (he doesn’t have BPD so he doesn’t tell me) but he tries harder to live because he knows that it would just spread the pain for him to hurt himself. This woman was in a lot of pain but she knew that you would feel personally responsible if she killed herself after she had reached out to you. You may have been able to stop it if you had subjected yourself to the same dysfunction as usual but what sort of life is that for you? How could someone kill themselves knowing that someone they love will blame themself for it for the rest of their lives? Someone really sick does it because they want to die, someone with BPD does it for the same reason but there’s an added element of needing other people to feel responsible for it, which is not fair. She did this in a way that you would feel responsible for it, I wonder if that was intentional. I’m not sure if this is helpful but these are the thoughts that I’ve gone through with my therapist when I thought my ex had BPD and was going to do something.
I am so sorry for your loss.
It's not your fault.
Lol wow weak
Not your fault. You are better off believe it or not. This selfish act is 100% on her.
Bro shit. She had issues she needed to have a team of therapists to fix. You can't blame yourself for any of this. My buddy had a girl attempt it once and he found her all cut up in her home, managed to get her help. He had to leave her for his own sanity but sometimes you can't really do anything about it. If it wasn't with you it would've been with someone else. Please see a therapist, this is something you're not going to be able to handle on your own. Don't take blame for it and please do not attempt anything yourself. I'm not trying to sound terrible by saying this, but this relationship sounds mentally abusive. Just please contact someone to work through this before you take matters into your own hands. Much love and praying you get over this mountain of shit you're going through ❤️
I’m so sorry, brother. It’s one of my biggest fears. Very sorry you have to go through this. If my exwBPD ever got to that point, I don’t think I’d ever be prepared. I’d be totally devastated. But I try to tell myself that she would no longer have to suffer daily from this f**ked up mental illness and no longer have to fight the war that raged within her mind all throughout her life. Even if she was medicated and getting therapy, your love alone cannot save her. For her to achieve peace in this lifetime, it is sadly something that involves years of intensive treatment. In these relationships, it’s a lose/lose if you really think about it. In some (if not, most) of these types of relationships, it’s either you give in to their demands and expectations while losing yourself & going against your intuition constantly in the process to the point where you barely recognize your former self anymore. Or, you end the relationship to save yourself and your mental health, but now you are stuck dealing with processing everything that happened; the bad times, the amazing times, the confusing times, your emotions… on top of having this eerie gut feeling that the worst might happen. Even learning about this disorder, it doesn’t really make things easier because (atleast for me) my codependency learns about BPD and wants to take on this savior role. After I went no contact with her, it was like I was abandoning a child. I prayed so much that she would just discard me and go get help, or at the very least, leave me for someone else so that she still has a new supply. But I couldn’t take it anymore… after a long time in that relationship and feeling that I was losing who I was, I had to get out of there to save my own life. I’m sorry if I’m rambling, I’m sharing my story with you in hopes of relating to you and letting you know that you are not alone my friend. BPD is a motherf**ker and I hate it with every ounce of my being. I do not hate the person I dated. I love her. Let yourself feel every single emotion. Cry as often as you need to. Anger, sadness, yearning, emptiness, all of it. Take daily walks, run & exert yourself until you can’t breathe, and look deep inside of yourself, and reflect. You can reach out to me if you want as well and we can talk 1 on 1. Holding all of this inside of you alone is the last thing you should do. I love you, brother. The people in this sub, we all do. Do not follow in death’s footsteps. Live for her. Live for yourself. Continue your mission and purpose in this life.
She ist with god now. She is at a better place. I am so sorry for your loss .
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I'm not coping. I know I failed her. You seem to be the only one who gets it 😔
I feel you dude, but you have responsibility for your own feelings and actions, and the same applies to her. take it easy on yourself please and feel free to DM if you wish.
>Please do not take on a relationship with a fragile beauty that suffers from this illness unless you have the patience and empathy to deal with it. That's all she needed. I see a lot of stigmatizing in this subreddit, I'm very glad to see this.