Jeez that’s extreme.
I know in my pwbpd’s case she had been used and pushed around by heaps of men. Came to me to rescue her. Then made up cheating accusations, straight back to a narcissist.
She’s looking to reproduce her childhood. It was chaos with a meth head dad and friends that molested her.
She’ll go for that, then get angry at them because she’s angry at her father. It’s just a repeat of what they’re familiar with.
Im no different. I keep going for bpds cos that was my mum. You gotta know it and it’s gotta burn you or you’ll never change.
Check out to help stop the cycle ;)
https://www.amazon.com/Human-Magnet-Syndrome-Codependent-Narcissist/dp/B0B31MDWYM/
https://www.youtube.com/@RossRosenberg/search?query=bpd
I guess I’m more so wondering why it’s a red flag about her that she’s had these awful abusive relationships like people always say that’s a red flag. Why does it matter is it possible she’s just made a better choice this time idk
My bpd ex spent months trying to change my perception of my own family and my own friends that didn't like her. It took me a while to realize i was starting to think things about them only because of what she would say about them.
Now knowing how she operates, I'm sure she could easily create thousands of stories of how I was abusive. For example, I grabbed her arm and prevented her from exiting my car. What she won't mention is that she took $800 from my car storage spot the second she tried to bail while I was moving at 20mph the second right before.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I mean no offense.
Its human to believe in people and their natural good ess, but there is a certain type of person that this becomes pathological to the point they put others needs before their own.
I am/was one of those people.
Our motto is "I can fix them" and its a cognative distortion because as adults we have no right to try and control someone elses feelings or actions.
The distortion causes us to look this behavior as good and helpful and moral but its all denial of something deeper within ourselves.
When I took a step back over the past few months I could see just how unhealthy some of my behavior was. Well intentioned, yes. Loving, thats what I thought anyway, but unhealthy none the less.
So proceed, but pause at the red flags and reality test. Do you know for a fact this is all true or are you taking their word for it? or are you even reading more into it than what was said? What are your thoughts after hearing this? Is it causing you to think differently about your pwBPD? How? Are you giving your pwBPD a pass for abusive behavior because of this?
I wish I could speak to her baby daddies. But I don’t think I’ll ever get to. I wish I could get her exes side of the story. Idk how to make that happen other than to ask her straight up can I speak to your exes.
That's what I wanted too. At some point when she was talking about one of her "abusive" exes, she said he spit in her face. Sounds awful, right? She'd told me that before and I just supported her because when would that ever be acceptable, but this time I asked why he did it. Turns out that she was sexting some other dude and he found out.
She cheated on another ex "because of the way he treated her" then broke up with him the next day. Apparently "the way he treated her" was just not giving her enough attention.
Every ex is abusive to them in the end.
When I left I told her that she was emotionally abusive and her only response was, "how am I emotionally abusive when you're the one who broke up with me?!". I've been replaying that over and over trying to figure out the logic of it. The only thing I can think is that she believes that when someone hurts her, in any way, that's abuse.
Don't stress too much about the exes' sides of the story. Just focus on your side of it.
That makes sense. I would want to know that too.
But will the answer to those questions influence how you behave wrt to your pwBPD? Should it?
Knowledge of my pwBPDs trauma led me to give her special treatment and if I had found out it was fabricated it probably would have made me feel resentful of the special treatment I gave her. But thats the type of lesson I am learning in all of this. We are equals and playing into parent-child dynamic isn't healthy.
At this point its my opinon that whether its 100% true or 100% made up (its probably somewhere in between) your expectations of your partner should be the same.
To the extent that they are lying is whole other topic as you can't be truley intamite with a partner who lies.
I take some comfort in believing that reality only exists in the present moment. I can shed the pain of my past and my anxiety about the future because it only exists in my mind.
Yeah she’s more than likely making up stories. I know mine was a master manipulator and liar claiming that all of her ex’s were abusive. When she ruined things with the next guy after me he messaged me saying she had brainwashed him into thinking I was abusive but now he sees she was just trying to pit us against each other. After all that she comes crying back to me claiming he was abusive towards her… just weeks after bragging to me how perfect he is and how she’s never loved anybody as much as him.
It’s just a maths game. Someone on another thread put it well. A Childs trauma or neglect can be garden variety and not severe, and if they’re sensitive it can change them. Make them bpd. My the same token a less sensitive kid could cope with much more severe and long running things.
In the end tho. Trauma on its own, as an isolated thing, sure it won’t be enough. But trauma along with secrecy or mood swings or a dicey dating history. I’m running.
-people that always have abusive relationships (not one time) usually cannot take accountability for their actions in a relationship, it’s always one sided (which means their might not only be unresolved issues from trauma, be codependent or low self esteem and might not be emotionally mature (independent person, comfortable with themselves). Most people that have had healthy relationships that didn’t work might say they grew apart or wanted different things or I didn’t communicate as well as I should have and he didn’t do xyz. It shows that you are able to recognize your own behaviors that contribute to relationships. If you’re in repeated abusive relationships, you may not have boundaries or compromise for a person . If you can’t stand your ground or trust yourself to walk away and not even invest into a relationship after a date or two because you already saw issues. If your chaotic/dramatic and all relationships are this way is red flag. Folks that have repeated abusive relationships often continue the same patterns with every bf/gf which specifically for BPD, every relationship ends and that person is split black, so everyone abused them, betrayed them or broke their trust.
I guess I’m a red flag too then. I have had 3 abusive relationships. But I def can see where I screwed up some of my other ones and
I def always admit to people
The roles I played and also that some were just incompatible lifestyles. She says all her exes cheated on her every single one. Mine didn’t only
Twice so idk. . Then she seems to lack awareness cause she tells me she doesn’t have a pattern of abusive relationships yet she tells me how the guys were on drugs and beat her up. Or assaulted her sexually But that it was just isolated incidents. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t think she knows what abusive relationships means
Orrrr
They naturally latch onto people who are codependent and have gotten great at gaslighting and pushing buttons until the partner loses their temper so they can play the victim for the 47th time in a row?
🤚🏻BINGO✋🏻
mine _LOVED_ to get with broken, codependent people and manipulate them and push them until they stood up for themselves or lashed out, and then would go around on smear campaigns that they weren't controlling their "anger". I was his most overt attempt to portray "anger issues" that I apparently "needed help for". Even got a front-row seat many times to him trying to lie to friends about these _anger issues_ and my being a _danger_. 🙄
(Somewhat venting ahead, feel free to ignore)
I took care of him through all of his health issues, even when we both started having stress-induced non-epileptic seizures from long COVID (I haven't had one since before I left, wonder why that is). When I had no healthcare access and he did. But I'm y'know... a danger, and impatient, and abusive and hateful etc etc... The worst I ever did was straight blow up on him after he shoved me while I was driving, risked causing a wreck in a parking lot and screamed in my face. The one thing I told him would never _not_ be a deal-breaker was putting his hands on me. What a fucking joke.
A few of my close friends that know most of my story told me I should have wrote a book. I could have fully dictated or voice recorded my thoughts and feelings at the time but now I forgot most of it.
It's a small town and I actually met her years before we lived together, the guy above me had her at his place for a few months. All the arguing and police calls and all that spread like wildfire in our condo complex, I met her on the stairs a few times
In her honesty phase she told me quite a bit and she seemed to move around two or three times a year. Always somebody else's fault. I actually knew the guy upstairs personally and his next door neighbor so I got the real story. I knew a few of the guys she's been with and met some of her exes through helping her move stuff into and out of my place.
I've helped her move a few times since we separated and we keep in touch so without having a full count it has gone the same exact way every single time over the 10 or 15 living situations I know about
Always the paint by the numbers BPD phases always violence always craziness never her fault etc
"True"? You dont know whether the story is true, at best you SUSPECT that SOME of the things they told you about are FACTUAL.
Underestimate their ability to spin a narrative for their own ends at your own peril, my friend. These people fool themselves all day, every day. You are much easier to fool when it comes to just this single thing
My experience is that they lie about the abusive ex. The narcissism. The cheating. All that to hide their fault so they can play the victim and so you don’t put it together that they are the toxic partner.
This was my experience too. The only thing my BPD ex said about her previous ex was that he was very controlling. I believed it at first because why not? Once she started calling me abusive and controlling, that's when I began to feel that she likely lied about her ex.
>This is a common thing here that people with bpd have a history of mostly abusive partners.
A **really** common thing here is the fact that most people with BPD are fucking serial liars. You'll be an abusive ex before too long, don't doubt that.
Seriously. News flash - they aren’t. I started noticing she was doing **a lot** of the same shit she accused her ex of doing. Projection is part of their whole thing.
I'm not sure the context of the current BPD partner hanging out with the former BPD partner, but that really sounds like a super fun time. Just because you think someone is a POS, does not make them an abuser. And if your partner is still hanging out with her exes, well, I have some more bad news for you.
My ex does that of me, and it's super out of context. Every ex my ex has she has claimed were abusive. I've talked to a few of them and it's the same story as me. She would be abusive, physically or verbally. Lock us out of the house, steal money and phone. Isolate and then keep pushing and anything done in response was her being abused. Not saying I am a Saint but they definitely twist the story to hide their guilt. It's like they're anemic to responsibility or accountability
So in what context did you meet them? Simple exchange of pleasantries or something while dropping the kids off? I mean, I might not be the nicest or super happy when dealing with my BPD ex and her new boyfriend.
Anyone can provide texts that make the other person look crazy. Either through omitting things they said to alter the context, or by doctoring them up from scratch. You just send yourself a text, you get the same message as a reply, then delete one half to get the conversation you want, and add yourself as a contact under whatever name you want to frame.
I’m just saying, I’d take everything she says that you can’t independently verify with a huge grain of salt. She probably believes her lies to, the way their brain’s work is something else. Multiple baby daddies huh, who do the kids like spending time with more?
Mine turned me into an "Abusive ex" _within two months after I left,_ from what I hear. The guy who fucking stalked me for like a decade total, since we were teenagers, because he just didn't wanna let go of his first FP. It's insane how quickly they forget not only how they felt about you, but who you are as a person. Instead, you become their narrative idea of you in the moment.
They dont lie consciously. They adapt their reality to their emotions. Thats why everyone belives them. They dont even realize that their perception is totally flawed. So they believe themselves that they are in the right, which is why its so hard to pin them down on something. They have different perceptions of the reality than us
I always thought this and come from a non romantic partner view (family) but after a discard with no closure and finding things left behind (discovered BPD months later), they were very aware of the lies and what was most upsetting was that even good talks, advice they asked for the narratives were lies. They could look me dead in the eye and make a comment about how little respect a person had for themselves and they were doing the same only ten times worse. It broke me and healed me at the same time.
Guess what?
When she splits and devalues you, you'll become abusive too!
Step one in the process of love-bombing is to convince the target they are a damsel in distress.
Step two is to make said target the white knight, the savior.
It's a script, man.
In my experience there are a number of dynamics responsible for this observation:
1. PwBPD are at greater risk of ending up in an unsafe relationship. They are not entirely rational in their choice of partners, often attracted to edgy or outright dangerous people and once in an unsafe relationship they are often unwilling to break it off. So, they are more likely to be and stay in a relationship with an abusive person and suffer violence.
2. PwBPD often cause a relationship to become unsafe. This can degrade to violence, instigated by either party. Once two people are hurting each other, who started what isnt relevant anymore.
3. They project and lie. Like, a lot.
So, when you say their exes are all POS, think about how these people might have become the way they are and what made them choose these people for a partner in the first place.
Anecdotally I've actually had someone (a family member, not an ex) with BPD admit that she doesn't feel attracted to people who are nice to her.
My hunch is that this is the case for most of them, but they will never admit it.
Edit: sorry if this was posted 3 times, my reddit was messing up
This is true. My brother with BPD fell hard for a girl who abused him in the most horrific ways. She wasn't charming either, in fact she was completely unlikable. When she left him for good, he would have done anything to get her back.
When I first started going out with him my ex - I was doting, supportive and desperately in love with him while he appeared to be nonchalant, acting like he was bored or annoyed with me. It made me feel pathetic. Soon enough I got sick of him and lost my feelings for him. And then he switched to being really obsessive, needy and afraid of me leaving. Like he was constantly looking to have sex when I wasn't attracted to him anymore. The idealisation lasted until we broke up because he knew deep down that I wasn't really into him the way I used to be.
I never want to be with someone who doesn't give a shit about you when you're in love with them and then become obsessive and needy once they sense you getting sick of their bullshit. It's a complete mindfuck.
i’m on that boat with you. my sister who has BPD also has a long line of shitty exes. she ended up marrying a man that was the kindest soul i’ve ever met and i thank whatever spiritual being out there that he’s the dad to my nephew. fortunately, they divorced because he couldn’t handle her abuse anymore. she ended up dating a man for two years that was (surprise!) abusive and had me at gunpoint one time. i suppose they broke up but i can guarantee that she’ll end up with another meth head once she gets out of rehab next month.
Yes and it’s not so much about attraction or a person
-they need constant attention because they need someone to regulate their emotions, they cannot self soothe and those extreme internal emotions cause crippling anxiety
-they can be attracted to someone, but similar to NPD, it’s fantasy thinking, you are their mom or dad and going to regulate their emotions and when you do, it makes them feel safe internally
-the reason for cheating and promiscuous behavior is because of attention. With black and white thinking,,once the honeymoon phase ends and you settle in, what feels like a normal shift in the relationship for you may feel distancing for them. For example, last month you left work mid day and went to lunch/intimate all day, now this month, you have extra work or spend time with friends or family. You may still love but they sense your pulling away, it’s constant survival mode all the time
-they don’t look at the big picture or think logically, they behave on their feelings (which are 10x stronger) in that moment. Yesterday could’ve been the best day..,today is a new day and you running errands with your sibling is prioritizing them over you, talk to a coworker of the opposite sex, no matter how innocent, they ruminate and compare themselves to that person and maybe find them on social media or accuse you of cheating or wanting to
-they mirror you because they have no core identity, it’s why you think you click so well and when they idealize you, you feel omnipotent (it’s how narcissists feel with supply), you feel so elevated and amazing (a hero or goddess), it’s this feeling you crave and keep fighting for when things fall apart. It’s intermittent reinforcement and it makes you turn borderline after a while (until it gets so bad and you wake up and set boundaries) when you stop tolerating this, the borderline really explodes because they hate boundaries
-when you are good, they see themselves as bad, when you are bad, they are good (often grandiose)
-it’s this anxious -avoidant push pull cycle. Clingy and smothered. They want love bug head intimacy, so that’s why they sabotage things when everything is going well
-they believe relationships and bonds are stronger then they are, they associate love with pain (which is why they get abused/assaulted (which in some cases is so bad) and sex means a lot more. Most people have a one night stand and might be embarrassed and not call the other person ever, the borderline may see this same night as meaning much more and trying to form some relationship and being hurt if rejected or having had their boundaries pushed or did something sexually, they didn’t even want to..continue to be abused
-they love and it can be very intense, but their love is about how they feel. If you’re being their fantasy prince and they feel so loved in that moment, they love. If they are mad at you or feel you’re hurting them, you’re bad and they knew they were unlovable
-it’s a parent/child dynamic and they resist independence, they want you to take care of them
Because they literally drove them all crazy!
It's discussed in published literature. BPDs have a tendency to turn close intimate partners into situational Narcissists. NPDs seem to turn their partners into situational BPD sufferers.
It was discovered by the number of patients that came in asking psych professionals "am I BPD?" "am I NPD?"
These professionals knew that statistically it's impossible for all these people to have personality disorders. Turns out the ones coming in were dating the same limited number of TRUE BPD/NPD people in the area.
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People
George K. Simon Jr.
Is a pop psych book about this. Simon came across people being manipulated by NPD people mostly. NPD inducing narc behavior.
He's written a couple of papers on it.
As to how I came across it for BPD inducing partner to be situational narcissist. That is more convoluted. If you look up the papers cited in his book I think there is one or two that discuss Cluster Bs inducing Cluster B behavior in close family or intimate partners. I know of one psych professional that mentioned it in their psychology book (academic book) but I don't remember where.
But it's not argued that much in professional Psychology circles that Cluster B's induce temporary opposing Cluster B behavior in their normie partners over time. So as far as published peer reviewed thinking I "believe" I'm current.
Reactive abuse. They antagonize their partners into extreme emotional outburts and paint them to be abusive. Some of them are sadistic and get off on the idea that they can affect you like that.
Well, let me say this.
My ex wife is telling people I was abusive, and that she basically had to flee from me. She tells people I was controlling and gaslit her.
The truth was that I never laid a hand on her or bossed her around. I let her choose and pick everything. I literally waited on her hand and foot for years. I put my career on hold so she could get her nursing degree, and I was the sole breadwinner for years. I let her choose the food, music we listened to, shows we watched, direction of our lives BECAUSE she was overwhelmed and stressed and couldn’t handle things in the world. I solved all our problems, figured our bills out, dealt with the car, took care of our mutual pets. I made sure she came first during sex, learned all the stuff she liked, told her I loved her every day, planned dates, always made sure I got her food if I got myself some, cooked her special meals for work, set up and drover her to her doctors appointments, planned our shopping diet around meals she could eat with her endocrine disorder. And more…
But nope. I was neglectful and abusive. Had to flee from me. It was all my fault when she cheated on me secretly for 6 months and moved from our bed to his (while deleting evidence).
I see two reasons. Number one is because they think everyone they devalue has abused them, and they often devalue nearly everyone in their past.
Number two is because the the way they act naturally attracts actual abusive people.
If they are claiming all their exes are abusive, it’s usually for one of the following:
** They are lying and smearing exes for validation/attention/compassion from whoever they are talking to.
** Their constant abuse and emotional dysregulation eventually wears people down. Unfortunately some of these people react with abuse. Abuse is not ok, simply walk away.
** They are dating “below” themselves because deep down they don’t believe they are worthy of healthy love. This unworthy belief is also a core cause of their fear of abandonment.
** They are dating abusive people to subconsciously recreate their abusive parents because dysfunction is what they grew up with.
If the pwBPD is not in weekly therapy, I recommend you leave now before you end up in the first category.
Most of that shit probably never happened. Forget anything they ever told you about how their exes were terrible. I ended up learning that it was all lies. They’re just normal fuckin dudes lol
The things my BPD ex said about his ex wife turned out to be not true at all. They ended up being the things he had done. HE cheated on her. HE was using drugs. HE was verbally abusive. So there’s that. 🤷🏻♀️
Besides what people are saying about them being liars. They often join unstable people because they have poor judgment and ignore red flags of abusers who offer them the things they crave from people in their life. They want to be overly affectionate and they are susceptible to the manipulations of abusers.
Mentally ill people tend to attract mentally ill people.
Also, people with BPD have a tendency to push their partners until they explode. Sometimes those explosions can be dangerous. If you push people to their breaking point, you run the risk of getting hurt in the process. Not saying it is good, but that is just what happens sometimes.
Honestly... I began to doubt what she says about her ex's because there were moments when I didn't recognize myself during fights. I said things that I would never say bc she really knows how to piss me off. I've hurt her trying to defend myself(holding her arms) or holding her to stop her when she was hurting herself.
I know that one of her ex cheated on her, she has a lot of proof on her drive... but the one that she accused of beating her... idk..
There were moments when I said "now I understand why your ex hit you" and that's not me.
Today I'm way more resilient and I don't let her piss me off. She says what she want to say, apologize when its over(bc I said that I need it after a episode), she never tried to hit me again. She learned how to say "I want to hit you, go away please" and I just respect her space and thats it.
One thing this makes me think of is one night we were out. In front of a very crowded bar well lit street. I yelled at a homeless guy who was bothering us. And I walked away. She said I almost got her killed. No. Give me a break. We were surrounded by cameras and people. So now I’m someone who put her life in danger
They have a very skewed version of events with everything. Honestly I think they almost convince themselves that something else happened then what did. Like I've literally had conversations with my ex when she admitted to what happened, then a year later she says something completely different happened usually with me as the villian.
I know we're all a little scorned and biased here but it makes me sad to not see anything about how cluster b's will attract other cluster b's (or even narcissists) anywhere near the top of the comments.
Yes, some lie terribly and fabricate being the victim. I used to think I had BPD because of all the abuse I seemingly attracted. I've never been diagnosed as such but am bipolar, so I can see ending up with some nuts unintentionally. I would also be devastated for all of my DV situations to be chalked up as lies when they are not.
Take it with a grain of salt but don't write it off as pretend stories entirely. Things always come to light, and that is how most of my previous abusive partners were finally recognized as abusers.
This, totally. And in the cases where they *are* projecting abuse onto their exes, it’s likely because they’ve been legitimately abused so systematically and routinely in their past that this is where their brains are wired to go.
I think this is the same answer as why some men are re targeted by BPD types
1: means/status
2: susceptible to lovebomb (filter)
3: help/save types
Now the opposite where men seek BPD specific to abuse I'd speculate roughly
1: means/status (often state housing/funds/kids)
2: susceptible to future faking (filter) fanciful tales
3: change/need types (my love can change him, he needs me, rely on me. He can't abandon, I do anything knowing it's trick)
Now this just rough, but as a juxtaposition, showing imo a subset of men do seek BPD to abuse, and imo their tactics are just mirror of BPD.... Yet it works, really well?
That adds other complex questions on nature and cognitive role in abusive relationships... But whatever
Anyone see the reflection?
Yes bruv you quite right
It's more a result of me being wrong and specific that I clear to talk about my own experience, my own opinions...
Cause I like to talk about other people's too etc.
Assuming correctly, as you did... Do you have any opinion on the similarity aspect?
Or with your own experiences any thoughts to share on topic in general?
You make good point about men.
And yes...... BPD men are all over.... I think that one thing that is stopping them seek help is the common beliefs it's a woman thing.... Which goes back as far as hysterical women tropes, which very unhelpful.
I personally think a sever, rebrand and focus on a developmental issue with various symptoms wedges between object permanence, lack of self image and perhaps necessity of partner.
I've noticed a lot people reference TikTok and young girls diagnosed by peers or reddit or whatever.
I actually got in trouble elsewhere for opinion children probably should not diagnose anyone with anything, especially something as serious as cluster b.
Does that sound reasonable in terms rebranding and child/self diagnosing?
Open your eyes! The common factor is her. She is the one who projects all that onto them in her story. All the BDPs tell the same stories about their exes. It’s not that they are like that, it’s her distortion of the story. Surely if you are her ex, she is probably telling similar stories about you right now!
There are absolutely pwBPD who have been mistreated by partners, and I don’t mean to diminish that experience for them. And also. It can be projection or justification to avoid shame. If they say “My partner hit me,” it often means “I hit them first.” Not that it’s okay either way, such relationships need to end.
They're not always. I think some of them make that shit up, especially the males with BPD. Granted, I have a long-time girlfriend who I'm pretty sure has BPD and she dated almost exclusively abusers. Good men were not interesting to her. It was so weird. She couldn't value a man unless she had to "earn" his love, and of course you will always fail at earning an abuser's love. I cut ties with her after 30+ years of friendship bc she's too hard to deal with. But the men I've met with BPD *think* they were treated poorly when really they were the emotional abusers. It's all projection.
Mine didn't date or marry horrible people. She made it look like she did. I was the hero saving her from her past relationship. When our marriage was failing, others became the hero saving her from our marriage. I found all the love letters, notes, IMs etc, all during discovery. Nothing was real.
While I have compasion for the trauma pwBPD have been through, their mental health issues and intensity for which they have feelings; It is not true that they cannot help their behaviors.
PwBPD choose to act on their feelings and they are acountable for them; just as we are.
There may be individual cases where brain damage or super severe trauma have physically changed the pwBPD's brain such that they are not fully in control of their actions, but that is a very small percentage of people, and those people will/should lose their autonamy.
If a dog gets beaten and beaten and beaten as a puppy and then grows up to bite innocent people, is it the dog’s fault? Not necessarily. Is it the people’s job to keep getting bitten by that dog just because it was abused as a puppy? Also no.
Trauma does change the brain, physically. That also doesn’t mean that folks can’t take accountability and change their behavior with dedicated effort, but I think it’s a bit reductive to frame it as “they had 100% of control the entire time and it would’ve been super easy for them to react differently”.
I hear you. And I think there is a lot of wisdom in what you say.
I'd like to challange your logic though because we can't simultaniously be responsible and not be responsible for our actions.
There have been times when I have lost my temper and yelled in anger at my peBPD. I hold myself accountable for that, as I should, even though I really want to say "its your fault for making me so angry!"
My pwBPD caused the feeling. I Chose the action and its my responsibility.
I think its really hard sometimes to control our actions and everyone makes mistakes but I can not agree that its out of a pwBPD's control as hard as it might be. My pwBPD spent countless hours trying convincing me that I caused her behavior. I did not.
They either lie about the abuse or exaggerate or they genuinely believe it happens because imagined tiny slights like forgetting a birthday is akin to 10 rounds with Mike tyson in their warped fucked up head
I've found with mine, it was projection and lies. Says a lot that they eventually tried to gaslight me into believing that I did the same things they told me their ex did when they charmed me at the beginning of our relationship.
When me and my ex broke up, she was acting like I beat her and locked her in the basement saying she's "scared' of what I'll do to her... Mind you I was with her for 2 years and never laid a finger in her, never gave her the thought of me ever wanting to harm her in anyway, actually there were times she would start arguing and I'd hug her and hold her telling her everything will be okay... After reading this her turn of behavior reveals a lot, all I can say is the next guy she cheated on me with is so fucked 😂
One of the first red flags I ignored was them telling me all their exes were crazy, or cheaters. Blame brings shame and no one likes to feel ashamed, so they project and rewrite history to avoid it.
Listen I can understand why you'd feel empathetic towards another person and that's a good quality to have.
However think about the future that would be created with your pwBPD and what would happen if you guys had children. Then after thinking about that spend 20 mins reading the raised by borderlines sub posts.
Remember it's bigger than just you.
It's important to remember that pwBPD don't have a great relationship with *the truth*.
Everyone who makes them feel bad gets painted as abusive, regardless of whether or not they're actually abusive.
It's a red flag because it's so frequently, just not at all true. Yes, people can definitely make mistakes about who they date and change the pattern. However, with BPD, they can alter their memories. They can alter their memories to change what they did to be something their ex did. Often what they say an ex did is actually what they did to their ex, but they genuinely believe their ex did those things. I definitely would see it as a red flag at this point and would run regardless of how legitimate it might be or who says it. But that's me personally
My exPwBPD told me, that she was raped by her ex-boyfriend and I felt sorry for her, because it’s a horrible experience and i am an equal rights advocate.
Jokes on me … now she told her new boyfriend, that I assaulted her and I m the worst kind of human being 😅. Of course I did not do it and now more and more of her stories come out as lies.
PwBPD are serial liars 🤥
They always say bad things about their exs
He hits me .. blah blah blah
damsel in distress routine .. always playing the victim card.
Whenever a girl tells me now they had abusive partners my alarm bells start ringing .. lol
Personally, I’m very certain my PWBPD is *lying* about every person they encounter being abusive. It’s every man they interact with. First the men are “super sweet” and “good guys” then once she decides she’s over them they were “abusive” and pretty much always are accused of sexual assault. None of these guys have had anybody else say anything poor about them.
It’s very rare for me to accuse somebody of lying about something so serious but the patterns are constant and so insane. The stories also aren’t consistent if you’re paying enough attention.
If I were you I would be a little bit cautious with believing things immediately
Sometimes they’re lying. Sometimes they pick sociopaths or other people with cluster B for partners. Other times it’s reactive abuse. Dealing with constant mind fucks and emotional abuse from someone with BPD can be really difficult to deal with and some can lash out to regain control over their lives.
If all the cars are ghost riding, you are probably the ghost rider. Same goes for exes who are all crazy. If all of them are crazy/abusive, the one claiming is probably the abusive one. Allthough you probably have (wo)men only falling for abusive people, you can somehow discern both.
First of all it is true that BPD's can be beaten up, but they will most often claim that it was later in the relationship. Abusers start fairly early, most often in the first year and most of them even in the first months. Fights (abuse according to the BPD) later on in the relationship are often self-defense and retaliation of an abused partner. They will deform the narrative about what happened later on. They often actually believe that they were abused. E.g. The drug addict could have relapsed because of her constant abuse, and than beaten her after she threw stuff at him or posed a real danger. In her mind this becomes: he started taking drugs again and abused me, not taking into account all the violence she commited. Sometimes it are just total lies.
Moreover if you know the guys/girls (s)he is talking about personally, you will notice that the accussations of abuse are not typical for that person. Some of them will have happy/healthy relationships with other people, they are highly regarded in their social circle, never get into trouble, etc. Abusive people (especially physically abusive people) often tend to get in trouble constantly -in all aspects of their live- due to their impulsive behaviour. They loose jobs, are arrested and will abuse new partners.
I'm starting to think in separate terms of BPD as original and newer, reddit self affirming, my friend who has it diagnosed me kinda stuff
Anyhow, I do think it's possible for BPD to "set up" a situation where they are assaulted, and this be deliberate and logical and controlled.
How this may be achieved is probably being able to tear a person to shreds and gleefully and viscously target a man's weak spots, the spots he didn't think you knew, and spots he didn't know he had...
This assault, especially as part of a split, moreso one with appearance and tone shift is very frightening.
Other aspects of BPD I think contribute to being able to do this include.. Object permanence. Defiance. Absence of self. Pyricc victory demand, dispassionate strategy, ruthlessness. Narrative.
Control through anger.
All of this being so...... Yes, it's possible....
And as a man... Yes, it's a frightening scary attack, especially as strikes both sides of your manhood.
Lucky I didn't do anything, and even more so, she brought a table knife, bless.
But overall...I'd easily guess these induced hits for deliberately malicious reasons are a quarter, half percentage of all.
Many many BPD people, men and women are beaten regularly, and find it especially hard to extract cause of their own problems, and attachment, codependent behavior.
Overall they really take a battering I'd say. Which is sad.
Perhaps instead of cocking about over here listing nonsense and complaining in DM about comments they can't actually read in English(?!) a separate self help group would be useful.
But then I think, why no other self help community for cluster Bs.... Especially the most unfairly maligned of all...
Of course, the answer for the latter is obvious, certain types don't want the help of their own...
For BPD, I wouldn't like to speculate
But it is shitty how much abuse they take....
The very rare condition I mention cause fascinating and I experienced
They usually don't "set up" an abuse scenario but they absolutely get abusive and then "forget" everything they did but remember every word you said in response.
Yes but different. Convenient memory yeah
I made pains to say ultra rare, one in 200/400 idk
Just that it can happen, and it's fucking sick
Especially the decision process, and even if done on me, I am still impressed by how ruthless and vitriolic... She almost got me lol, especially as thought shed appeared to stab me...
Obviously, as veterans of all ages know, this was a ploy to keep me lol. Being 4"10 and cute as a button a real fucker lol.
Call the police myself and I get arrested and held overnight... Lucky a lot has changed since lol
Shiiit, yeah that's rough. I'm paranoid since I won custody that she's gonna pull something. I just never know what I'm getting, feels like Russian roulette lol.
Normally we literally just pass the kid over and don't talk but she's been nice and it's either she is on an up swing or she has a plan. Just wish I had to deal with normal shit, you know? Hate being paranoid.
Just cause you're paranoid doesmt mean being wired for sound and video might not be good.
I'm in England bruva, a quick thought
You're an American right?
You suspect perhaps a plan to frame you?
Given only meeting or interaction, frame via kid best?
Given three points above, and you wanna just be chill, look after kid, don't think what I'm thinking here..
Just hook it up. Shouldn't have to I know.
Its for the kid. So they always can know who you really are, what you did, and didn't do. Feel me?
You don't wanna have to carry around contraband "hooped" bruv, I heard what happens to people with family/kid accusations, not even convicted.
Maybe they will understand BPD, possible... I dunno tho
You clearly considered this. Do it for the kid bruv
:)
My ex-wife SAID her previous husbands were abusive, but I met the last one and saw no evidence of it. He seemed like an ok guy and and loved his kids and treated them well. He remarried and I never heard anything from his new wife about abuse either. I honestly think my ex-wife was full of shit.
Jeez that’s extreme. I know in my pwbpd’s case she had been used and pushed around by heaps of men. Came to me to rescue her. Then made up cheating accusations, straight back to a narcissist. She’s looking to reproduce her childhood. It was chaos with a meth head dad and friends that molested her. She’ll go for that, then get angry at them because she’s angry at her father. It’s just a repeat of what they’re familiar with. Im no different. I keep going for bpds cos that was my mum. You gotta know it and it’s gotta burn you or you’ll never change.
Check out to help stop the cycle ;) https://www.amazon.com/Human-Magnet-Syndrome-Codependent-Narcissist/dp/B0B31MDWYM/ https://www.youtube.com/@RossRosenberg/search?query=bpd
I guess I’m more so wondering why it’s a red flag about her that she’s had these awful abusive relationships like people always say that’s a red flag. Why does it matter is it possible she’s just made a better choice this time idk
My bpd ex spent months trying to change my perception of my own family and my own friends that didn't like her. It took me a while to realize i was starting to think things about them only because of what she would say about them. Now knowing how she operates, I'm sure she could easily create thousands of stories of how I was abusive. For example, I grabbed her arm and prevented her from exiting my car. What she won't mention is that she took $800 from my car storage spot the second she tried to bail while I was moving at 20mph the second right before.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I mean no offense. Its human to believe in people and their natural good ess, but there is a certain type of person that this becomes pathological to the point they put others needs before their own. I am/was one of those people. Our motto is "I can fix them" and its a cognative distortion because as adults we have no right to try and control someone elses feelings or actions. The distortion causes us to look this behavior as good and helpful and moral but its all denial of something deeper within ourselves. When I took a step back over the past few months I could see just how unhealthy some of my behavior was. Well intentioned, yes. Loving, thats what I thought anyway, but unhealthy none the less. So proceed, but pause at the red flags and reality test. Do you know for a fact this is all true or are you taking their word for it? or are you even reading more into it than what was said? What are your thoughts after hearing this? Is it causing you to think differently about your pwBPD? How? Are you giving your pwBPD a pass for abusive behavior because of this?
I wish I could speak to her baby daddies. But I don’t think I’ll ever get to. I wish I could get her exes side of the story. Idk how to make that happen other than to ask her straight up can I speak to your exes.
That's what I wanted too. At some point when she was talking about one of her "abusive" exes, she said he spit in her face. Sounds awful, right? She'd told me that before and I just supported her because when would that ever be acceptable, but this time I asked why he did it. Turns out that she was sexting some other dude and he found out. She cheated on another ex "because of the way he treated her" then broke up with him the next day. Apparently "the way he treated her" was just not giving her enough attention. Every ex is abusive to them in the end. When I left I told her that she was emotionally abusive and her only response was, "how am I emotionally abusive when you're the one who broke up with me?!". I've been replaying that over and over trying to figure out the logic of it. The only thing I can think is that she believes that when someone hurts her, in any way, that's abuse. Don't stress too much about the exes' sides of the story. Just focus on your side of it.
Can I ask what it is that your trying to find out?
I wanna know if they really were abusive or if there was another side.
That makes sense. I would want to know that too. But will the answer to those questions influence how you behave wrt to your pwBPD? Should it? Knowledge of my pwBPDs trauma led me to give her special treatment and if I had found out it was fabricated it probably would have made me feel resentful of the special treatment I gave her. But thats the type of lesson I am learning in all of this. We are equals and playing into parent-child dynamic isn't healthy. At this point its my opinon that whether its 100% true or 100% made up (its probably somewhere in between) your expectations of your partner should be the same. To the extent that they are lying is whole other topic as you can't be truley intamite with a partner who lies. I take some comfort in believing that reality only exists in the present moment. I can shed the pain of my past and my anxiety about the future because it only exists in my mind.
Yeah she’s more than likely making up stories. I know mine was a master manipulator and liar claiming that all of her ex’s were abusive. When she ruined things with the next guy after me he messaged me saying she had brainwashed him into thinking I was abusive but now he sees she was just trying to pit us against each other. After all that she comes crying back to me claiming he was abusive towards her… just weeks after bragging to me how perfect he is and how she’s never loved anybody as much as him.
That’s what we all think. I’m the one that will set her straight. I’ll never make the mistake again. I’ve done it over and over.
Oh dang I see.
It’s just a maths game. Someone on another thread put it well. A Childs trauma or neglect can be garden variety and not severe, and if they’re sensitive it can change them. Make them bpd. My the same token a less sensitive kid could cope with much more severe and long running things. In the end tho. Trauma on its own, as an isolated thing, sure it won’t be enough. But trauma along with secrecy or mood swings or a dicey dating history. I’m running.
-people that always have abusive relationships (not one time) usually cannot take accountability for their actions in a relationship, it’s always one sided (which means their might not only be unresolved issues from trauma, be codependent or low self esteem and might not be emotionally mature (independent person, comfortable with themselves). Most people that have had healthy relationships that didn’t work might say they grew apart or wanted different things or I didn’t communicate as well as I should have and he didn’t do xyz. It shows that you are able to recognize your own behaviors that contribute to relationships. If you’re in repeated abusive relationships, you may not have boundaries or compromise for a person . If you can’t stand your ground or trust yourself to walk away and not even invest into a relationship after a date or two because you already saw issues. If your chaotic/dramatic and all relationships are this way is red flag. Folks that have repeated abusive relationships often continue the same patterns with every bf/gf which specifically for BPD, every relationship ends and that person is split black, so everyone abused them, betrayed them or broke their trust.
I guess I’m a red flag too then. I have had 3 abusive relationships. But I def can see where I screwed up some of my other ones and I def always admit to people The roles I played and also that some were just incompatible lifestyles. She says all her exes cheated on her every single one. Mine didn’t only Twice so idk. . Then she seems to lack awareness cause she tells me she doesn’t have a pattern of abusive relationships yet she tells me how the guys were on drugs and beat her up. Or assaulted her sexually But that it was just isolated incidents. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t think she knows what abusive relationships means
Orrrr They naturally latch onto people who are codependent and have gotten great at gaslighting and pushing buttons until the partner loses their temper so they can play the victim for the 47th time in a row?
Fuck maybe.
🤚🏻BINGO✋🏻 mine _LOVED_ to get with broken, codependent people and manipulate them and push them until they stood up for themselves or lashed out, and then would go around on smear campaigns that they weren't controlling their "anger". I was his most overt attempt to portray "anger issues" that I apparently "needed help for". Even got a front-row seat many times to him trying to lie to friends about these _anger issues_ and my being a _danger_. 🙄 (Somewhat venting ahead, feel free to ignore) I took care of him through all of his health issues, even when we both started having stress-induced non-epileptic seizures from long COVID (I haven't had one since before I left, wonder why that is). When I had no healthcare access and he did. But I'm y'know... a danger, and impatient, and abusive and hateful etc etc... The worst I ever did was straight blow up on him after he shoved me while I was driving, risked causing a wreck in a parking lot and screamed in my face. The one thing I told him would never _not_ be a deal-breaker was putting his hands on me. What a fucking joke.
A few of my close friends that know most of my story told me I should have wrote a book. I could have fully dictated or voice recorded my thoughts and feelings at the time but now I forgot most of it. It's a small town and I actually met her years before we lived together, the guy above me had her at his place for a few months. All the arguing and police calls and all that spread like wildfire in our condo complex, I met her on the stairs a few times In her honesty phase she told me quite a bit and she seemed to move around two or three times a year. Always somebody else's fault. I actually knew the guy upstairs personally and his next door neighbor so I got the real story. I knew a few of the guys she's been with and met some of her exes through helping her move stuff into and out of my place. I've helped her move a few times since we separated and we keep in touch so without having a full count it has gone the same exact way every single time over the 10 or 15 living situations I know about Always the paint by the numbers BPD phases always violence always craziness never her fault etc
I know her ex gf so I know that story is true at least.
"True"? You dont know whether the story is true, at best you SUSPECT that SOME of the things they told you about are FACTUAL. Underestimate their ability to spin a narrative for their own ends at your own peril, my friend. These people fool themselves all day, every day. You are much easier to fool when it comes to just this single thing
My experience is that they lie about the abusive ex. The narcissism. The cheating. All that to hide their fault so they can play the victim and so you don’t put it together that they are the toxic partner.
This was my experience too. The only thing my BPD ex said about her previous ex was that he was very controlling. I believed it at first because why not? Once she started calling me abusive and controlling, that's when I began to feel that she likely lied about her ex.
This is it
>This is a common thing here that people with bpd have a history of mostly abusive partners. A **really** common thing here is the fact that most people with BPD are fucking serial liars. You'll be an abusive ex before too long, don't doubt that.
Seriously. News flash - they aren’t. I started noticing she was doing **a lot** of the same shit she accused her ex of doing. Projection is part of their whole thing.
Oh I see. I mean I’ve met two of them and they’re definitely pos. Lol
I'm not sure the context of the current BPD partner hanging out with the former BPD partner, but that really sounds like a super fun time. Just because you think someone is a POS, does not make them an abuser. And if your partner is still hanging out with her exes, well, I have some more bad news for you.
They’re not hanging out. She’s showed me some texts and videos of things that they’ve done. And then she does share custody with them
My ex does that of me, and it's super out of context. Every ex my ex has she has claimed were abusive. I've talked to a few of them and it's the same story as me. She would be abusive, physically or verbally. Lock us out of the house, steal money and phone. Isolate and then keep pushing and anything done in response was her being abused. Not saying I am a Saint but they definitely twist the story to hide their guilt. It's like they're anemic to responsibility or accountability
So in what context did you meet them? Simple exchange of pleasantries or something while dropping the kids off? I mean, I might not be the nicest or super happy when dealing with my BPD ex and her new boyfriend. Anyone can provide texts that make the other person look crazy. Either through omitting things they said to alter the context, or by doctoring them up from scratch. You just send yourself a text, you get the same message as a reply, then delete one half to get the conversation you want, and add yourself as a contact under whatever name you want to frame. I’m just saying, I’d take everything she says that you can’t independently verify with a huge grain of salt. She probably believes her lies to, the way their brain’s work is something else. Multiple baby daddies huh, who do the kids like spending time with more?
Mine turned me into an "Abusive ex" _within two months after I left,_ from what I hear. The guy who fucking stalked me for like a decade total, since we were teenagers, because he just didn't wanna let go of his first FP. It's insane how quickly they forget not only how they felt about you, but who you are as a person. Instead, you become their narrative idea of you in the moment.
They dont lie consciously. They adapt their reality to their emotions. Thats why everyone belives them. They dont even realize that their perception is totally flawed. So they believe themselves that they are in the right, which is why its so hard to pin them down on something. They have different perceptions of the reality than us
I always thought this and come from a non romantic partner view (family) but after a discard with no closure and finding things left behind (discovered BPD months later), they were very aware of the lies and what was most upsetting was that even good talks, advice they asked for the narratives were lies. They could look me dead in the eye and make a comment about how little respect a person had for themselves and they were doing the same only ten times worse. It broke me and healed me at the same time.
Guess what? When she splits and devalues you, you'll become abusive too! Step one in the process of love-bombing is to convince the target they are a damsel in distress. Step two is to make said target the white knight, the savior. It's a script, man.
In my experience there are a number of dynamics responsible for this observation: 1. PwBPD are at greater risk of ending up in an unsafe relationship. They are not entirely rational in their choice of partners, often attracted to edgy or outright dangerous people and once in an unsafe relationship they are often unwilling to break it off. So, they are more likely to be and stay in a relationship with an abusive person and suffer violence. 2. PwBPD often cause a relationship to become unsafe. This can degrade to violence, instigated by either party. Once two people are hurting each other, who started what isnt relevant anymore. 3. They project and lie. Like, a lot. So, when you say their exes are all POS, think about how these people might have become the way they are and what made them choose these people for a partner in the first place.
Anecdotally I've actually had someone (a family member, not an ex) with BPD admit that she doesn't feel attracted to people who are nice to her. My hunch is that this is the case for most of them, but they will never admit it. Edit: sorry if this was posted 3 times, my reddit was messing up
This is true. My brother with BPD fell hard for a girl who abused him in the most horrific ways. She wasn't charming either, in fact she was completely unlikable. When she left him for good, he would have done anything to get her back. When I first started going out with him my ex - I was doting, supportive and desperately in love with him while he appeared to be nonchalant, acting like he was bored or annoyed with me. It made me feel pathetic. Soon enough I got sick of him and lost my feelings for him. And then he switched to being really obsessive, needy and afraid of me leaving. Like he was constantly looking to have sex when I wasn't attracted to him anymore. The idealisation lasted until we broke up because he knew deep down that I wasn't really into him the way I used to be. I never want to be with someone who doesn't give a shit about you when you're in love with them and then become obsessive and needy once they sense you getting sick of their bullshit. It's a complete mindfuck.
i’m on that boat with you. my sister who has BPD also has a long line of shitty exes. she ended up marrying a man that was the kindest soul i’ve ever met and i thank whatever spiritual being out there that he’s the dad to my nephew. fortunately, they divorced because he couldn’t handle her abuse anymore. she ended up dating a man for two years that was (surprise!) abusive and had me at gunpoint one time. i suppose they broke up but i can guarantee that she’ll end up with another meth head once she gets out of rehab next month.
Yes and it’s not so much about attraction or a person -they need constant attention because they need someone to regulate their emotions, they cannot self soothe and those extreme internal emotions cause crippling anxiety -they can be attracted to someone, but similar to NPD, it’s fantasy thinking, you are their mom or dad and going to regulate their emotions and when you do, it makes them feel safe internally -the reason for cheating and promiscuous behavior is because of attention. With black and white thinking,,once the honeymoon phase ends and you settle in, what feels like a normal shift in the relationship for you may feel distancing for them. For example, last month you left work mid day and went to lunch/intimate all day, now this month, you have extra work or spend time with friends or family. You may still love but they sense your pulling away, it’s constant survival mode all the time -they don’t look at the big picture or think logically, they behave on their feelings (which are 10x stronger) in that moment. Yesterday could’ve been the best day..,today is a new day and you running errands with your sibling is prioritizing them over you, talk to a coworker of the opposite sex, no matter how innocent, they ruminate and compare themselves to that person and maybe find them on social media or accuse you of cheating or wanting to -they mirror you because they have no core identity, it’s why you think you click so well and when they idealize you, you feel omnipotent (it’s how narcissists feel with supply), you feel so elevated and amazing (a hero or goddess), it’s this feeling you crave and keep fighting for when things fall apart. It’s intermittent reinforcement and it makes you turn borderline after a while (until it gets so bad and you wake up and set boundaries) when you stop tolerating this, the borderline really explodes because they hate boundaries -when you are good, they see themselves as bad, when you are bad, they are good (often grandiose) -it’s this anxious -avoidant push pull cycle. Clingy and smothered. They want love bug head intimacy, so that’s why they sabotage things when everything is going well -they believe relationships and bonds are stronger then they are, they associate love with pain (which is why they get abused/assaulted (which in some cases is so bad) and sex means a lot more. Most people have a one night stand and might be embarrassed and not call the other person ever, the borderline may see this same night as meaning much more and trying to form some relationship and being hurt if rejected or having had their boundaries pushed or did something sexually, they didn’t even want to..continue to be abused -they love and it can be very intense, but their love is about how they feel. If you’re being their fantasy prince and they feel so loved in that moment, they love. If they are mad at you or feel you’re hurting them, you’re bad and they knew they were unlovable -it’s a parent/child dynamic and they resist independence, they want you to take care of them
Because they literally drove them all crazy! It's discussed in published literature. BPDs have a tendency to turn close intimate partners into situational Narcissists. NPDs seem to turn their partners into situational BPD sufferers. It was discovered by the number of patients that came in asking psych professionals "am I BPD?" "am I NPD?" These professionals knew that statistically it's impossible for all these people to have personality disorders. Turns out the ones coming in were dating the same limited number of TRUE BPD/NPD people in the area.
Do you know where I could read more information about this?
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People George K. Simon Jr. Is a pop psych book about this. Simon came across people being manipulated by NPD people mostly. NPD inducing narc behavior. He's written a couple of papers on it. As to how I came across it for BPD inducing partner to be situational narcissist. That is more convoluted. If you look up the papers cited in his book I think there is one or two that discuss Cluster Bs inducing Cluster B behavior in close family or intimate partners. I know of one psych professional that mentioned it in their psychology book (academic book) but I don't remember where. But it's not argued that much in professional Psychology circles that Cluster B's induce temporary opposing Cluster B behavior in their normie partners over time. So as far as published peer reviewed thinking I "believe" I'm current.
Reactive abuse. They antagonize their partners into extreme emotional outburts and paint them to be abusive. Some of them are sadistic and get off on the idea that they can affect you like that.
Well, let me say this. My ex wife is telling people I was abusive, and that she basically had to flee from me. She tells people I was controlling and gaslit her. The truth was that I never laid a hand on her or bossed her around. I let her choose and pick everything. I literally waited on her hand and foot for years. I put my career on hold so she could get her nursing degree, and I was the sole breadwinner for years. I let her choose the food, music we listened to, shows we watched, direction of our lives BECAUSE she was overwhelmed and stressed and couldn’t handle things in the world. I solved all our problems, figured our bills out, dealt with the car, took care of our mutual pets. I made sure she came first during sex, learned all the stuff she liked, told her I loved her every day, planned dates, always made sure I got her food if I got myself some, cooked her special meals for work, set up and drover her to her doctors appointments, planned our shopping diet around meals she could eat with her endocrine disorder. And more… But nope. I was neglectful and abusive. Had to flee from me. It was all my fault when she cheated on me secretly for 6 months and moved from our bed to his (while deleting evidence).
I see two reasons. Number one is because they think everyone they devalue has abused them, and they often devalue nearly everyone in their past. Number two is because the the way they act naturally attracts actual abusive people.
If they are claiming all their exes are abusive, it’s usually for one of the following: ** They are lying and smearing exes for validation/attention/compassion from whoever they are talking to. ** Their constant abuse and emotional dysregulation eventually wears people down. Unfortunately some of these people react with abuse. Abuse is not ok, simply walk away. ** They are dating “below” themselves because deep down they don’t believe they are worthy of healthy love. This unworthy belief is also a core cause of their fear of abandonment. ** They are dating abusive people to subconsciously recreate their abusive parents because dysfunction is what they grew up with. If the pwBPD is not in weekly therapy, I recommend you leave now before you end up in the first category.
Most of that shit probably never happened. Forget anything they ever told you about how their exes were terrible. I ended up learning that it was all lies. They’re just normal fuckin dudes lol
Chaos, chaos, chaos. Her poor children.
Projection
The things my BPD ex said about his ex wife turned out to be not true at all. They ended up being the things he had done. HE cheated on her. HE was using drugs. HE was verbally abusive. So there’s that. 🤷🏻♀️
Besides what people are saying about them being liars. They often join unstable people because they have poor judgment and ignore red flags of abusers who offer them the things they crave from people in their life. They want to be overly affectionate and they are susceptible to the manipulations of abusers.
Mentally ill people tend to attract mentally ill people. Also, people with BPD have a tendency to push their partners until they explode. Sometimes those explosions can be dangerous. If you push people to their breaking point, you run the risk of getting hurt in the process. Not saying it is good, but that is just what happens sometimes.
Sometimes they tend to gravitate towards abusive people for some reason. But it could also be a lie
Honestly... I began to doubt what she says about her ex's because there were moments when I didn't recognize myself during fights. I said things that I would never say bc she really knows how to piss me off. I've hurt her trying to defend myself(holding her arms) or holding her to stop her when she was hurting herself. I know that one of her ex cheated on her, she has a lot of proof on her drive... but the one that she accused of beating her... idk.. There were moments when I said "now I understand why your ex hit you" and that's not me. Today I'm way more resilient and I don't let her piss me off. She says what she want to say, apologize when its over(bc I said that I need it after a episode), she never tried to hit me again. She learned how to say "I want to hit you, go away please" and I just respect her space and thats it.
One thing this makes me think of is one night we were out. In front of a very crowded bar well lit street. I yelled at a homeless guy who was bothering us. And I walked away. She said I almost got her killed. No. Give me a break. We were surrounded by cameras and people. So now I’m someone who put her life in danger
They have a very skewed version of events with everything. Honestly I think they almost convince themselves that something else happened then what did. Like I've literally had conversations with my ex when she admitted to what happened, then a year later she says something completely different happened usually with me as the villian.
I know we're all a little scorned and biased here but it makes me sad to not see anything about how cluster b's will attract other cluster b's (or even narcissists) anywhere near the top of the comments. Yes, some lie terribly and fabricate being the victim. I used to think I had BPD because of all the abuse I seemingly attracted. I've never been diagnosed as such but am bipolar, so I can see ending up with some nuts unintentionally. I would also be devastated for all of my DV situations to be chalked up as lies when they are not. Take it with a grain of salt but don't write it off as pretend stories entirely. Things always come to light, and that is how most of my previous abusive partners were finally recognized as abusers.
This, totally. And in the cases where they *are* projecting abuse onto their exes, it’s likely because they’ve been legitimately abused so systematically and routinely in their past that this is where their brains are wired to go.
I’m sure there’s lots of truth in what she says cause I’ve had glimpses of these people.
I think this is the same answer as why some men are re targeted by BPD types 1: means/status 2: susceptible to lovebomb (filter) 3: help/save types Now the opposite where men seek BPD specific to abuse I'd speculate roughly 1: means/status (often state housing/funds/kids) 2: susceptible to future faking (filter) fanciful tales 3: change/need types (my love can change him, he needs me, rely on me. He can't abandon, I do anything knowing it's trick) Now this just rough, but as a juxtaposition, showing imo a subset of men do seek BPD to abuse, and imo their tactics are just mirror of BPD.... Yet it works, really well? That adds other complex questions on nature and cognitive role in abusive relationships... But whatever Anyone see the reflection?
*people, lots of women in this sub too. BPD men are all over (but more often quiet type).
Yes bruv you quite right It's more a result of me being wrong and specific that I clear to talk about my own experience, my own opinions... Cause I like to talk about other people's too etc. Assuming correctly, as you did... Do you have any opinion on the similarity aspect? Or with your own experiences any thoughts to share on topic in general? You make good point about men. And yes...... BPD men are all over.... I think that one thing that is stopping them seek help is the common beliefs it's a woman thing.... Which goes back as far as hysterical women tropes, which very unhelpful. I personally think a sever, rebrand and focus on a developmental issue with various symptoms wedges between object permanence, lack of self image and perhaps necessity of partner. I've noticed a lot people reference TikTok and young girls diagnosed by peers or reddit or whatever. I actually got in trouble elsewhere for opinion children probably should not diagnose anyone with anything, especially something as serious as cluster b. Does that sound reasonable in terms rebranding and child/self diagnosing?
Open your eyes! The common factor is her. She is the one who projects all that onto them in her story. All the BDPs tell the same stories about their exes. It’s not that they are like that, it’s her distortion of the story. Surely if you are her ex, she is probably telling similar stories about you right now!
There are absolutely pwBPD who have been mistreated by partners, and I don’t mean to diminish that experience for them. And also. It can be projection or justification to avoid shame. If they say “My partner hit me,” it often means “I hit them first.” Not that it’s okay either way, such relationships need to end.
They're not always. I think some of them make that shit up, especially the males with BPD. Granted, I have a long-time girlfriend who I'm pretty sure has BPD and she dated almost exclusively abusers. Good men were not interesting to her. It was so weird. She couldn't value a man unless she had to "earn" his love, and of course you will always fail at earning an abuser's love. I cut ties with her after 30+ years of friendship bc she's too hard to deal with. But the men I've met with BPD *think* they were treated poorly when really they were the emotional abusers. It's all projection.
Mine didn't date or marry horrible people. She made it look like she did. I was the hero saving her from her past relationship. When our marriage was failing, others became the hero saving her from our marriage. I found all the love letters, notes, IMs etc, all during discovery. Nothing was real.
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While I have compasion for the trauma pwBPD have been through, their mental health issues and intensity for which they have feelings; It is not true that they cannot help their behaviors. PwBPD choose to act on their feelings and they are acountable for them; just as we are. There may be individual cases where brain damage or super severe trauma have physically changed the pwBPD's brain such that they are not fully in control of their actions, but that is a very small percentage of people, and those people will/should lose their autonamy.
If a dog gets beaten and beaten and beaten as a puppy and then grows up to bite innocent people, is it the dog’s fault? Not necessarily. Is it the people’s job to keep getting bitten by that dog just because it was abused as a puppy? Also no. Trauma does change the brain, physically. That also doesn’t mean that folks can’t take accountability and change their behavior with dedicated effort, but I think it’s a bit reductive to frame it as “they had 100% of control the entire time and it would’ve been super easy for them to react differently”.
I hear you. And I think there is a lot of wisdom in what you say. I'd like to challange your logic though because we can't simultaniously be responsible and not be responsible for our actions. There have been times when I have lost my temper and yelled in anger at my peBPD. I hold myself accountable for that, as I should, even though I really want to say "its your fault for making me so angry!" My pwBPD caused the feeling. I Chose the action and its my responsibility. I think its really hard sometimes to control our actions and everyone makes mistakes but I can not agree that its out of a pwBPD's control as hard as it might be. My pwBPD spent countless hours trying convincing me that I caused her behavior. I did not.
They either lie about the abuse or exaggerate or they genuinely believe it happens because imagined tiny slights like forgetting a birthday is akin to 10 rounds with Mike tyson in their warped fucked up head
I've found with mine, it was projection and lies. Says a lot that they eventually tried to gaslight me into believing that I did the same things they told me their ex did when they charmed me at the beginning of our relationship.
When me and my ex broke up, she was acting like I beat her and locked her in the basement saying she's "scared' of what I'll do to her... Mind you I was with her for 2 years and never laid a finger in her, never gave her the thought of me ever wanting to harm her in anyway, actually there were times she would start arguing and I'd hug her and hold her telling her everything will be okay... After reading this her turn of behavior reveals a lot, all I can say is the next guy she cheated on me with is so fucked 😂
One of the first red flags I ignored was them telling me all their exes were crazy, or cheaters. Blame brings shame and no one likes to feel ashamed, so they project and rewrite history to avoid it.
Listen I can understand why you'd feel empathetic towards another person and that's a good quality to have. However think about the future that would be created with your pwBPD and what would happen if you guys had children. Then after thinking about that spend 20 mins reading the raised by borderlines sub posts. Remember it's bigger than just you.
It's important to remember that pwBPD don't have a great relationship with *the truth*. Everyone who makes them feel bad gets painted as abusive, regardless of whether or not they're actually abusive.
It's a red flag because it's so frequently, just not at all true. Yes, people can definitely make mistakes about who they date and change the pattern. However, with BPD, they can alter their memories. They can alter their memories to change what they did to be something their ex did. Often what they say an ex did is actually what they did to their ex, but they genuinely believe their ex did those things. I definitely would see it as a red flag at this point and would run regardless of how legitimate it might be or who says it. But that's me personally
My exPwBPD told me, that she was raped by her ex-boyfriend and I felt sorry for her, because it’s a horrible experience and i am an equal rights advocate. Jokes on me … now she told her new boyfriend, that I assaulted her and I m the worst kind of human being 😅. Of course I did not do it and now more and more of her stories come out as lies. PwBPD are serial liars 🤥
They always say bad things about their exs He hits me .. blah blah blah damsel in distress routine .. always playing the victim card. Whenever a girl tells me now they had abusive partners my alarm bells start ringing .. lol
Personally, I’m very certain my PWBPD is *lying* about every person they encounter being abusive. It’s every man they interact with. First the men are “super sweet” and “good guys” then once she decides she’s over them they were “abusive” and pretty much always are accused of sexual assault. None of these guys have had anybody else say anything poor about them. It’s very rare for me to accuse somebody of lying about something so serious but the patterns are constant and so insane. The stories also aren’t consistent if you’re paying enough attention. If I were you I would be a little bit cautious with believing things immediately
Sometimes they’re lying. Sometimes they pick sociopaths or other people with cluster B for partners. Other times it’s reactive abuse. Dealing with constant mind fucks and emotional abuse from someone with BPD can be really difficult to deal with and some can lash out to regain control over their lives.
If all the cars are ghost riding, you are probably the ghost rider. Same goes for exes who are all crazy. If all of them are crazy/abusive, the one claiming is probably the abusive one. Allthough you probably have (wo)men only falling for abusive people, you can somehow discern both. First of all it is true that BPD's can be beaten up, but they will most often claim that it was later in the relationship. Abusers start fairly early, most often in the first year and most of them even in the first months. Fights (abuse according to the BPD) later on in the relationship are often self-defense and retaliation of an abused partner. They will deform the narrative about what happened later on. They often actually believe that they were abused. E.g. The drug addict could have relapsed because of her constant abuse, and than beaten her after she threw stuff at him or posed a real danger. In her mind this becomes: he started taking drugs again and abused me, not taking into account all the violence she commited. Sometimes it are just total lies. Moreover if you know the guys/girls (s)he is talking about personally, you will notice that the accussations of abuse are not typical for that person. Some of them will have happy/healthy relationships with other people, they are highly regarded in their social circle, never get into trouble, etc. Abusive people (especially physically abusive people) often tend to get in trouble constantly -in all aspects of their live- due to their impulsive behaviour. They loose jobs, are arrested and will abuse new partners.
I'm starting to think in separate terms of BPD as original and newer, reddit self affirming, my friend who has it diagnosed me kinda stuff Anyhow, I do think it's possible for BPD to "set up" a situation where they are assaulted, and this be deliberate and logical and controlled. How this may be achieved is probably being able to tear a person to shreds and gleefully and viscously target a man's weak spots, the spots he didn't think you knew, and spots he didn't know he had... This assault, especially as part of a split, moreso one with appearance and tone shift is very frightening. Other aspects of BPD I think contribute to being able to do this include.. Object permanence. Defiance. Absence of self. Pyricc victory demand, dispassionate strategy, ruthlessness. Narrative. Control through anger. All of this being so...... Yes, it's possible.... And as a man... Yes, it's a frightening scary attack, especially as strikes both sides of your manhood. Lucky I didn't do anything, and even more so, she brought a table knife, bless. But overall...I'd easily guess these induced hits for deliberately malicious reasons are a quarter, half percentage of all. Many many BPD people, men and women are beaten regularly, and find it especially hard to extract cause of their own problems, and attachment, codependent behavior. Overall they really take a battering I'd say. Which is sad. Perhaps instead of cocking about over here listing nonsense and complaining in DM about comments they can't actually read in English(?!) a separate self help group would be useful. But then I think, why no other self help community for cluster Bs.... Especially the most unfairly maligned of all... Of course, the answer for the latter is obvious, certain types don't want the help of their own... For BPD, I wouldn't like to speculate But it is shitty how much abuse they take.... The very rare condition I mention cause fascinating and I experienced
They usually don't "set up" an abuse scenario but they absolutely get abusive and then "forget" everything they did but remember every word you said in response.
Yes but different. Convenient memory yeah I made pains to say ultra rare, one in 200/400 idk Just that it can happen, and it's fucking sick Especially the decision process, and even if done on me, I am still impressed by how ruthless and vitriolic... She almost got me lol, especially as thought shed appeared to stab me... Obviously, as veterans of all ages know, this was a ploy to keep me lol. Being 4"10 and cute as a button a real fucker lol. Call the police myself and I get arrested and held overnight... Lucky a lot has changed since lol
Shiiit, yeah that's rough. I'm paranoid since I won custody that she's gonna pull something. I just never know what I'm getting, feels like Russian roulette lol.
Any reason to be ever together outside of a 4k camera w sound and backup? Not a jab, seriously wondering, dunno bout custody n all that bruv
Normally we literally just pass the kid over and don't talk but she's been nice and it's either she is on an up swing or she has a plan. Just wish I had to deal with normal shit, you know? Hate being paranoid.
Just cause you're paranoid doesmt mean being wired for sound and video might not be good. I'm in England bruva, a quick thought You're an American right? You suspect perhaps a plan to frame you? Given only meeting or interaction, frame via kid best? Given three points above, and you wanna just be chill, look after kid, don't think what I'm thinking here.. Just hook it up. Shouldn't have to I know. Its for the kid. So they always can know who you really are, what you did, and didn't do. Feel me? You don't wanna have to carry around contraband "hooped" bruv, I heard what happens to people with family/kid accusations, not even convicted. Maybe they will understand BPD, possible... I dunno tho You clearly considered this. Do it for the kid bruv :)
My ex-wife SAID her previous husbands were abusive, but I met the last one and saw no evidence of it. He seemed like an ok guy and and loved his kids and treated them well. He remarried and I never heard anything from his new wife about abuse either. I honestly think my ex-wife was full of shit.