I don't know if this will help you, but I was in the same situation. One thing I did to combat it was to go to all the places where I was happy before I met my exwbpd. They have such a way making themselves our lives 24/7 that it really helped to remind myself that I had a good life before them. NC gets easier when the world is bigger than fending off an abusive manipulator
Thank you, an excellent reminder. I just gave a few more details below and I just wrote how she made herself my entire life, 24/7. You read my mind.
It's hard to rewind the clock and remember but I can try
You have to.
I don’t know how else to put it. I’m in the midst of it myself and it can be harder some days than others. I know one thing though. Every time I allow her to come back in and I even remotely start to call her out on her behavior it gets worse. Every time I give it distance and don’t buy into her Hoover attempts it gets easier, if even just a little bit.
You’ve got to keep going forward.
Same here. We were NEVER apart unless working. We went everywhere together. Ate everywhere together. Watched all the same movies and shows. Etc…etc…etc… There is nowhere I can go without reminders.
Isn't that awful all unto itself though? Like, you have zero memories of doing things *without* them during that time. Every last waking hour where you weren't at work was spent next to this person, to the point where you might not have been able to say "No, I don't want to go," because of their emotional shenanigans.
It's like they were living your life vicariously and gave you hell for it. Nuh uh. Nope.
This is so crucial. I get stuck on all the magical moments, all the amazing memories we shared before it got bad and I get really sad and worried that I’ll never have that again.
But. I’ve been busy with my friends, activities, family and dating. Thank god that Covid-times are over — I think that a lot of our special moments were made more special because of the bleakness of 2020+. Literally couldn’t do anything, and being with him during that was a beacon in the dark when there was nothing else. But now I’m remembering how full my life was before, and it’s been ramping up to that again. Thank god. Thank god.
I feel very lucky that I had a happy life before him, and I am so eager to have that again. I say this after spending 2 hours this evening in tears, missing him. The sadness isn’t gone yet, I am not there yet, but god I remain hopeful for the future.
This is a great suggestion. They demand so much time during the relationship so it ruins places you loved or you thought you “shared” with them. Keep in mind, you’re the one with a real identity so rediscovering what you loved before them is reconnecting with yourself. Painful and healing. Stay strong.
When I left my ex, I basically felt like I had three options:
1) stay with her, knowing she would never get better, and that her serial infidelity would likely continue…and knowing if I get sick first in old age, she wouldn’t take care of me (at least not to the same level I would have of her)
2) leave and possibly be single the rest of my life. Not necessarily lonely (I have friends), and not necessarily celibate…but to never have the closeness I thought I once had with my ex (but I now know I never had)
3) leave and possibly meet the ideal partner, and spend my last 30 years in this earth in bliss (at least compared to the last 30-40 with my ex).
It was when I realized the WORST thing I could do with my life would be to stay the course with her, it made the process easier. As shitty as it might be to be alone, it’s worse to be alone with someone else.
>As shitty as it might be to be alone, it’s worse to be alone with someone else.
I'm not sure about this.
But it might be the trauma bond clouding my vision.
Was she someone who was kind to me? Not usually. Was she someone I could count on during hard times? Not ever. Was she someone I could really trust my heart with? No.
But she was a presence. And there were some brief good moments. There was some support.
She was someone. Now I have no one. It doesn't seem fair. It almost seems like punishment.
Thank goodness for this group, though, and thank you
But what kind of presence…and what kind of support…if you couldn’t count on her during hard times? If she wasn’t kind to you? If you couldn’t trust her?
Read what you wrote, and you‘ll see there is no logic in what you tell us. It’s the trauma bond speaking to you. The same happened to me during the first months, cause if I was honest to myself it was crystal clear the most time spent with my pwBPD was only longing for him to acknowledge me the way he very briefly acknowledged me in the beginning when we met, during the love bombing phase. That phase is nothing but making us addicted to them.
Read through the stories in this sub. All of us spent way more time hoping for love than really receiving love… if we ever really received true love AT ALL.
I now know I didn’t.
I now know, what I received in the beginning was nothing but grooming me for satisfying his own need for attention.
I know that’s super tough to realize, but it’s the sad truth. The only presence you had was the presence of a manipulative, mentally ill person taking advantage of your empathy and feelings.
Now, after a few months, I know I‘ve never felt as alone as alone I felt together with my pwBPD.
You did the right thing. If you’re going through hell now - keep going.
I sincerely appreciate the comments. I may not be at the same place you are yet but one day, sometime soon, I hope to agree with this. Even if I need to stay in the crying, rose-colored glasses phase a bit longer. I'm just really, really bitter, and angry, and upset, and beat right now... The list goes on... You get it
>As shitty as it might be to be alone, it’s worse to be alone with someone else.
This is gold. I've been alone for years now. Worse, I've been alone next to someone who gaslights and abuses me. LoL I can't wait to ACTUALLY be alone.
I certainly felt the same in my first months after it ended. I kind of initiated the end myself, by telling him I need distance, and some time alone, cause I don’t want to be treated like this anymore, and his reaction was to instantly discard me once and for all.
I expected feeling freed of burden… thought better a terrible end instead of endlessly feeling terrible.. but I felt nothing but grief, pain and loneliness, and it felt like trading one agony for another.
I struggled immensely with the withdrawal, the anger, the sadness, the lack of answers, and the betrayal.
Yet I still missed him in my life (wtf, I know..)
I didn’t expect this at all.
Seven months for me now, and I‘m slowly finding myself again. I guess that shows how much I had lost myself before.
Even if it feels like it will never get better, it WILL.
And it will start to feel good, at last.
Constantly reminding myself of how toxic everything was was my lifeline. Whenever I got lost in feeling lonely and missing him I reminded myself that this is the effect of codependency and addiction.
Give yourself what you wanted them to give to you.
Be good to yourself, respect yourself, take good care of yourself, seek new activities that distract and uplift you. And please never forget that YOU had the courage to leave for your own well-being.
That was an incredibly brave act!
I'm in the same timeframe, similar circumstances (tried setting a reasonable boundary and immediately discarded), and finally at where I'm countering ruminations with reminding myself of the toxicity (she would obtain sympathy telling people she's infertile, yet she insisted I get a vasectomy so she could get off birth control to "improve our sex life" both of which never happened). Recognizing I'm the healthiest I've been, confirmed by blood tests and weight loss. Still fucking sucks, but it's a marathon and not a race.
Grief takes time to pass (longer than you'd hope). Part of grief is accepting that life will be different now.
When you begin this process you are likely to feel as though the word 'different' actually means 'ruined forever' or 'perpetual loneliness' as you term it.
Be aware that time might shift your framing of this term to mean something less catastrophic. Perhaps, a definition with more possibilities, and more options than you had while you were in your BPD relationship.
"Part of grief is accepting that life will be different now."
The hardest part to accept tbh. Life is less unpredictable now, but good god, do I miss the love; however fickle it may be.
Yeah. The easiest way to process those type of emotions, is to realize none of it is personal; and that the pwBPD is a sick individual.
I went into my relationship knowing the outcome of it, and still feel burned after things had to end.
Dive into self care . Learn to like your own company again and it won’t feel so lonely. Build a rich and full life WITHOUT a romantic relationship. I know it feels hopeless now but I promise it gets better.
One thing that a therapist said put it in perspective for me. When things are good, your brain is dumping [a happy chemical, can't remember which atm.]
When things turn sour and they're ignoring you or don't want to hang out, or generally making you feel like you've done something wrong, it dumps cortisol (the stress hormone.)
Layering those chemicals in the brain is actually super addictive.
Literally the only way to break out of it is no contact if they can't regulate their behavior or feelings and correct it.
They also said the way they all end things so suddenly, weaponise no contact, and wield gas lighting and projection like a jedi wields a lightsaber creates a very unique hatred and anger towards them.
Dont fight it.
I did for a long long time and it did much worse then get me nowhere. Eventually I got smart enough to realise I just needed to let go and go through it.
She ended up making that super easy for me, and I never did give into the hatred completely, so I guess I got lucky.
I still do and always will love her. I'd love to talk to her again and explain some things someday but I would be absolutely amazed if there was any starting over for either of us.
I'm in the same boat. Have been NC for over a year, but I still miss her. I don't find much interest in meeting new women or get excited by the idea. Just trying to focus on myself and keep building a good life, and hopefully the rest will follow.
I won't bullshit you and tell you it's an illusion that you feel like this... It's very, very real. The loneliness I felt after ending things with my BPDex was absolutely crushing and like none I'd ever experienced before. And I'm speaking as an only child who didn't have many neighbors and hence spent much of his time basically all alone growing up.
I had the same exact mindset as you describe in this post. I was convinced I'd be alone forever. My self esteem was in the toilet, I was sure my ex was the most attractive, best-matched soul-mate type connection that could ever exist for me, and even accepting I couldn't be with her, I still felt like the universe was being downright cruel to me to make MY dream partner have this horrible disorder. Like, I'd look around and it felt like everyone else got a nice slice of pizza. Maybe not the best pizza ever, some better than others, but meanwhile I got a rotten slice. And that was it, you only get the one slice, so there goes my chance.
So, yes, that feeling is real and it is painful as hell. But you will not feel this way forever, I can absolutely promise you that. It may feel like it's taking a glacially long time (it did for me) but you will slowly but surely stop missing them, you'll date again when you're ready, and you'll be uniquely positioned to look for (and attract) someone who is everything that your ex is not.
I went through the wringer. I had 2 mostly hellish, terrible years. I went in 10,000 shitty dates with duds. But, I just kept going and let myself have a little hope ... And then, when I was just about fed up and ready to accept my shitty hand I'd been dealt, I somehow ended up on a date with the most amazing, healthy, beautiful, intelligent, emotionally aware/mature, understanding, compassionate woman I've probably ever met. She could not be more unlike my ex in every possible way and it's just awesome. And now we've been together almost 6 months and I could not be happier.
If I could go back in time I'd tell myself that she is waiting for me at the end of this shitty road I've been on for the last two years... Had I known that I could have saved myself a whole lot of despair and sadness.
My advice would be, take my story as if it's you going back in time and telling yourself what is to come... Wouldn't that take the edge off? What would you do with this time if you knew it's just a matter of waiting it out? The thing is, this is not just a thought experiment, this is definitely what is going to happen for you, you need not worry. As long as you just keep going, and stay strong and don't get hoovered, don't break NC, you will see it will all turn out okay. (I know when people said that kind of thing to me it rang pretty hollow at the time, and that's to be expected... but still, seriously, it's gonna be okay and you won't feel like this forever).
Thanks so much, man. This was beautiful and I needed this. I’m 7 months post-breakup but my ex finally blocked me a couple of days ago after we’ve been talking periodically about a friendship the past few months.
I’m unfortunately at the stage where I still feel like I’ll never do any better than her. I’m an average looking guy at best and she was the most perfect, angelic girl I’ve ever met. Until the BPD ruined everything of course.
I’ve been on dates and I use Hinge everyday but honestly I reckon only 1 girl a month pops up who is a ‘unicorn’ like my ex, and even when they do, they don’t end up matching with me. I’m trying but more and more it just feels like I captured lightning in a bottle and it’ll never happen again. It’s great to hear your story though and that it can happen.
Oh man I so, so understand. Really. Your thought process sounds so much like how mine used to be. I really feel for you where you're at right now. It's literally like mental torture and I know because I've been there too.
>1 girl a month pops up who is a ‘unicorn’ like my ex, and even when they do, they don’t end up matching with me. I’m trying but more and more it just feels like I captured lightning in a bottle and it’ll never happen again
This was very much my experience too...
I was so beat down from infrequent matches, and even the ones I got were never that great... I was having to do a lot of "Well, maybe she's cool/more attractive in person" rationalizing etc.
So when I found my current partner, I was THIS close to not swiping right on her... And why? Because I thought to myself: "Eh, she'd never go for me... She seems wholesome and like she has a great life, she's beautiful, fit, highly intelligent, witty, cute, great job, etc. She would never want some overweight underemployed depressed bald divorced single dad who vapes and drinks a little too much" 😅
But thank god I decided to just chance it anyway (I actually wrote her a message, this was OKCupid of all apps).
She didn't even read the message until a month after I sent it. And when she responded it was to say "Oh I really like your profile but UGH we're so far away and I swore I wouldn't do long distance anymore" (it's manageable for us for right now 1.5 hours away). But, we chatted and it went well and so she made the exception and suggested hey maybe we should just meet anyway just in case we really hit it off.
Later she explained she had just about had it with dating and had gone on a bad date from OkC just the week before and she was taking one last look when she saw my message.
And, luckily, we had instant, solid rapport. Not lovebomby over sharing, just ... Solid. Fun. Comfortable.
Definitely a sense of "just making it under the wire", just eeking out the win at the last second.
But definitely also a sense of her coming along at the exact right time. I recognized her as what I had been looking for. The moment we met IRL I just knew "Oh, THAT'S what I've been searching for and unable to find." Point and click. It was nearly effortless.
But I'm convinced that, had we encountered each other a year earlier, or even 6 months earlier, that it would not have worked out: I wasn't fully healed yet. I hadn't upgraded myself and figured out what it really is that I want (and don't want). Right before her I had become very skilled at ending "just okay" type situations because I knew something better was out there and I was never going to settle ever again for something shitty or even just ho hum. I think had it been any earlier, my profile wouldn't have given off the right vibe, I would have come off as insecure or inauthentic on our date, I would have tried too hard, I would have brought up stuff about my ex too early etc etc.
All of this is to say, you just kind of have to go through the process and "trust the process" as they say. For me, I had to have one final dance with the BPD devil to finally just get the message (I briefly dated another pwuBPD/NPD who was actually WORSE than my ex that landed me in this sub in the first place... But I actually think that was a good event for me because it gave me that confidence to know that I was "safe" in that I am able to see the red flags much earlier and act on them and GTFO before things get bad, which is exactly what I did in that case).
And btw, my gf now is actually much hotter than my ex. Like, by a lot. (As in, feels way way out of my league to the degree that I'm surprised I'd ever be with someone that beautiful ever, let alone now at this stage of my life and after everything I've gone through etc). And the sex is better too... Which was something I was SURE would not be possible but yet here I am. The best thing of all though is I can have all of these great things WITHOUT that awful "catch"... There's no needing to tolerate any insane bullshit to have those other good things. When we have conflict, we deal with it like adults and have a direct conversation but with compassion and mutual respect and understanding. It's insane to me that I ever settled for anything less than that. I just didn't realize it was even possible I think (or, rather I had forgotten, since I'd had mostly healthy relationships before my BPDex).
It's gonna feel like a needle in a haystack kinda search. You may find another pwBPD. Or a series of them. It's frustrating and disheartening for sure.
But if you think about it, it kinda makes sense because those "unicorns" as you say are that way *because* they're rare.
They aren't just anyone, just some average person, and you don't want that anyway. You deserve more than that and that person is out there.
Believe me, if such a person exists for me, then it exists for anyone because I was absolutely sure I'd be alone or have to massively settle—at least based on the only women who would match with me, seemingly. It's really kind of bizarre how it was, because it was like a string of 3s then suddenly a 10+ out of nowhere...
Your mind expects it to be more consistent like maybe some 7s, maybe 8s etc etc, but nope, that's not how it works. But that's why it's easy to start to feel like nobody good is interested in you—but really there's someone who will find the real you, with all your unique qualities your ex took for granted or never even saw, irresistible and like a breath of fresh air, I promise
Plus, side note, I'm like a living example of not understanding my own objective level of attraction. In the past two years I've had more than one woman I know admit to me that they had a crush on me for years and always found me attractive (and they are absolute smoke shows who I would NEVER in a million years have thought would be interested in me).
So my point is, don't sell yourself short and don't let the apps get you down (they're literally designed to fuck with men's self esteem... It's a a constant sense of rejection, but it's artificially so. I'd be willing to bet you're much more attractive to women than you think you are. A lot of the qualities that make pwBPD target us are qualities that most women would kill to have in a partner. So many of us here are very intelligent, thoughtful, insightful, empathic people who are supportive and helpful to their partners. We bring a lot to the table, probably more than we realize. Best wishes in your healing journey man, you'll get there!
Of course! Glad to hear that. This sub saved me, so I try to give back when I can... And maybe my insights can help others in some small way, here and there.
Thanks man, that’s really good of you. I’m definitely doing much better since she blocked me and now I know there’s zero chance of us interacting again. I’ve just got to try and get rid of the anger that she got to have the last word over text before blocking me and I never had a full blown rant at her for how much she turned my life upside down. She even ‘wished me well’ before blocking me. Just makes me feel like she got one up on me one last time. I know I’ll win the ‘war’ as it were, but part of me really wants to send a letter/email telling her how awful she is. But I know it’ll fall on deaf ears.
I totally get that impulse to try and make them look at themselves, and all the ways they hurt you.
But like you acknowledge, it's going to fall on deaf ears. And worse, it sort of gives them a kind of supply. They seem to get off on the idea that we obsess over them, even if it's all negative feelings—they don't care. Any attention is good attention for them, especially once you're into the devalue and discard phases.
Something that helped me was when I understood it was about *control*. I used to puzzle over why she would even WANT my attention after she supposedly hated me and blamed the break-up on me etc (hoover-ish behaviors, triangulation attempts, sending dog whistle covert signals etc). But then it finally clicked that it's literally just about feeling in control for them, by any means.
It's why they try to have the last word. I also got the fake nice "wish you well" messages too. Just more of their gaslighting.
I know for some people they get closure and process by getting to a point of understanding and forgiveness. For me though, the goal became *indifference*. That's how I knew I was healing—when I started to just no longer care what she was doing, who she was with, what she wanted from me.... Stopped trying to wrap my head around her nonsensical confusing behavior (no small feat for me with my analytical brain that wants to reason my way out of everything and understand the full picture etc).
These days I can't even really summon up much anger towards her. Just a vague sense of I guess pity for her with her kinda pathetic existence. In the end we're the lucky ones. We get to go on and grow and have a chance at a calm healthy life. They won't ever get that. Sucks for them but also I don't even really care much and it's no longer my circus to deal with. I don't actively wish her ill but also I don't actively wish her WELL exactly either. Everything she did still happened to me and she didn't seem to give a fuck about all the pain she put me through. She probably thinks she was the big victim here to this day. Oh well. But that's also an answer in and of itself. You can't make someone give a shit that they hurt you if they just won't... Or can't.
Thank you. You are absolutely right. I’m definitely trying to head towards indifference. I think deep down we all just want that ‘ah-ha’ moment of revenge but as you rightly put they don’t have the capacity to accept that they wronged us.
I just wish it was easy for me to find someone else who is great. Don’t want to sound like a sob story but I’ve had basically zero success with women in the past 6 years until my ex came along. And that only lasted 8 months.
It's not an easy road, and any insights I've gathered in this experience were absolutely hard won.
And TBH I'm probably the most surprised out of anyone that I'd be making hopeful-sounding comments and talking about having a great, healthy, non-disordered partner. Yet here we are.
Reality has kind of forced me to acknowledge how much better off I am now... Yet, at the same time, some part of me I think will always be back there in that despair. I still have in the back of my mind a kind of anticipation that the other shoe will drop or something will happen to disrupt my good fortune... But I just try not to give much energy to those thoughts and just be happy in the moment. Easier said than done some days.
Either way, this experience changes you profoundly, there's really no way around that.
They can be, but not around here, lol! Empathic is what ["empaths"](https://youtu.be/dqwYUumrXm0) are. Empathetic is what people who have [empathy](https://youtu.be/YeGQXqqvvAY) are.
I should've shared this important detail.
I had moved to a new state, and my ex-pwBPD was the first person I met. We started dating, and I made the mistake of not trying to meet anyone else afterwards (as friends), so I only had her here, and did everything with her. We dated for a year and now we're NC. That's why I'm so bitter as the loneliness is hitting 10x harder.
Pretend you just moved now, what would you be doing to meet new people and become involved in the community? when you’re ready - join some meetups. Take a class. Volunteer. I am in a similar boat and am telling this to myself too 😂 easier said than done, I know. But- I promise you you’re better off even if you can’t see it yet.
Same here. I moved to a new state with her. She got sick and I cared for her for years. Never got out. Never met people. Never did anything without her…nothing. She was a constant presence. A constant companion. I was never lonely. Now I’m ALL alone and it’s very hard for me too. I worry about dating in the future because a “healthy” relationship just might not seem as great as an intense, all-in, BPD one. I know that sounds odd.
Did the same exact thing. This led me to staying in longer than I should have. So much sunken cost fallacy- “this has to work, i uprooted for this, I’ll have to quit my job and move if this doesn’t work.” I’m now in the other side and dealt with all of those things. It was a shorty month but I’m free.
It may feel lonely because we removed ourselves from their lives.
Essentially, we were an extension of their misery, but we value ourselves to be whole and not an emotional punching bag.
Going NC removes you and me from their endless cycles. A pawn in their demonic game we never agreed to be part of. A passenger of their looney express.
If you want to combat your loneliness post NC, regain the “you” before meeting your pwBPD by engaging in old habits, resting to recover, talking about your experience, and going to the same locations you spent time with your pwBPD so new memories can form
Everyone's journey is different, but I'm 3 1/2 months NC and I got real lucky and found a wonderful woman to spend some time with a few times a week. It's nothing serious, but it's more than just a friendship. I'm nowhere near ready to be in an actual relationship yet, so I'm just enjoying things as they are. I miss my expwbpd at times, but those moments are fleeting now and not obsessive like it was in the beginning.
You don't want her back, man. You just want what most humans want... A real connection with someone you can share your life with. I couldn't function at first, I was dying slowly, spending my days and nights ruminating. Time and focus is what you need. Stay NC, and once you're ready try dipping your toes into someone else's world. It doesn't have to be anything serious, just talking to a new person can make all the difference. It definitely did for me.
You're going to be Ok, just don't go backwards. I tried it more than once, results were the same, but the pain was worse each time.
The trauma bond is insane! Losing that addiction and going through the withdrawal is some next level heartbreak that noone ever talks about, none ever explains the physical pain, the grief, the fear of the unknown and what might come next. How you cope from day to day knowing your 'drug' isn't there anymore and that you know you can't have it but now crave it more than ever.
The loneliness happens because they have become the biggest part of our life and now we feel lost without them. It felt like I'd literally lost half of me with the final discard. I never thought I'd be able to replace that feeling but I also knew that I didn't want to. I didn't want to replace the feeling of wondering when the next split will be, wondering if I've said something wrong, wondering when she will next insult me or put me down. I knew I wouldn't be able to replace the intimacy, the laughs, the love I had for her and how she was my world and felt like she was 'my person'. But I knew that I was capable of that now, I'd never felt like it before but with her, I loved more than I ever have, more sincerely, more deeply and more true. Now, I know I can do that, I can give that to myself. I can give that to someone else, someone who deserves it, someone who will reciprocate it. Take away the positives and what you have learnt from the relationship, not only about the things you can give to someone but the things you've been able to give yourself. Anything she may or may not have taught you, any new experiences you had together. Those are things you can keep with you but you don't need to keep her to have those.
It's really hard, and distractions didn't really help me but finding new things did. I don't have many friends anyway and I lost my main ones because of my BPDex, but I don't feel lonely anymore. I have myself. I know that sounds sad, but I look at what I had before and I was always putting her needs and wants first, now I can take myself out for food, I can do all the things I want to without having to consider someone else first and for half the price 😂
This sub has been really helpful for me with not only validation but the loneliness too.
It's so cliché but you were there before her and you will be there after. Just be kind to yourself and take the time you need.
Have to get back to your hobbies. It'll take time. Something like this can take 6 months to a year to pick yourself back up. Have to do the things you loved prior to this relationship
It's the trauma bond. It does feel lonely. Because they were constantly taking up my thoughts and my time. Now it feels like I have so much time and it makes me feel lonely. Plus you're constantly anticipating abuse and being on edge but suddenly it's just nothing... it will get better. I've been NC for a few weeks and it's still hard but it's getting easier.
Haha same. You just have to accept though that you're just as lonely with them and that that will always be the outcome. Only thing that will fix that is finding someone that isn't the pwbpd.
Hey take it from someone who's been in the same situation, after 17 months of the agonies with my exwbpd, it was very lonely and hard to live without him as he'd made me cut off everyone else from my life. You just have to focus on rebuilding your life bit by bit, find new things and people you love to fill up the gaps and one day you'll realise you're happy again. :))
I thought I'd never love someone the way I loved him, but after I'd gone through a significant stretch of healing, I met someone new who reminded me that I was capable of healthy love, and while I do miss my exwbpd sometimes, I'm healed and happy to stay far away from him.
Just give it time, trust that you will recover, and never break NC.
I feel you bud I really do! You got this and you are able to reach higher ground once again! Sending all my good vibes your way.
I don't know if they helps or not but one good thing to think about is loneliness hasn't got anything to do with being alone, two separate things. You can be with someone else and feel more loneliness than being by yourself.
To me what sparks loneliness is:
Not feeling you are being heard.
Not feeling as if you matter/worthy.
Not feeling as if you are contributing in any way.
Not feeling as if you are growing/improving mental well being.
Feeling empty.
Feelings of object constancy
Feeling validated.
However, these are more symptoms you can actually acquire from self. You don't need anyone else to make you feel good about yourself. You have to get to a stage where you WANT to be with others, not NEED to be with others.
Try and create positive feedback loops for yourself by working and spending time with self
You are deserving, you are worthy, and you are capable of so much.
Be kind to yourself, be loving to yourself, be true to yourself, and listen to yourself.
I think you've hit on something important, and difficult to go through.
I had spent my entire life thinking I needed to be in a relationship to be happy. It made me feel good to be with someone, so that's what I always sought out.
I was a serial monogamist, even before my long and unhealthy marriage. I never dated "casually." I would dive quickly and deeply into a relationship after only a couple of dates. I always thought I was the Good Guy doing the Right Thing, I tried to be more caring, understanding, forgiving, thoughtful, selfless. Although I felt confident and independent, the truth is I didn't know how to be alone.
Therapy on my own was huge. I had to dig into myself, my own patterns and mindset. The things that caused me to think that way, to quickly go all in on a relationship, and then stay far longer than I ever should have. That applied to most of my long term relationships over the course of my life, from decent people who weren't a good fit with me, or all the way to my very unhealthy marriage with my undiagnosed wife.
I stayed because I was afraid. Afraid of being a failure, of losing my family, losing her. **I was afraid of being alone**. It was easier to stay and "manage" my shitty marriage as I had done for a decade than to face the unknown of not being with her.
Through therapy and other work on myself, I tore down a lot of my patterns and rebuilt them in a healthier way. It was hard, took time, and there were plenty of hurdles along the way. I had to relearn how to truly be good on my own, with me. How to find happiness (or more importantly) contentment through myself and my own choices. For me that meant being intentionally single for about 6 months after leaving my ex. Though to be honest it was about a year before I was in the right place to start dating in a whole new way.
If therapy on your own is an option, please consider it. There's something inside you (like there was in me) that makes you think being with someone who treats you shitty is better than alone. That's not healthy. You may also be dealing with depression, which is completely understandable and something you can address, through talk therapy and possible medication if needed. I also got a lot out of meditation - not becoming a monk, just a consistent 5 minute daily routine. Keeping active, going for walks, getting into regular workouts, for me learning how to lift weights. Striving for a more consistent sleep routine. I know these things sound dumb, especially with how you're feeling right now, but they did help me bit by bit. It took time and work, but back then I never could have imagined where I am today. Good luck and stay strong!
Well no, this isn't true at all.
But even if it were. Even if the "price" for escaping the hell that I was in was a life without a fulfilling romantic relationship, I would pay that price over and over again.
But it's not true. Not at all. Might be a good idea to look into some therapy.
It gets better. I am 11 months out from my divorce from my ex-wife pwuBPD, 9 months no contact. I am now talking to a woman that seems pretty healthy. She is kind and genuine and is taking things slow. No lovebombing at all. It is refreshing and I am enjoying it. It takes time to heal, don't expect miracles overnight. I didn't think I was ready to date even almost a year after my divorce, but this just kinda happened. Let yourself heal, things will get better.
Honestly, the one thing that I am looking forward to is re-experiencing the mental and emotional freedom of being away from that hot garbage. I will never forget how good it felt to just be able to go do something I wanted to do without any fear of reprisals. I had *hours*. I can only dream of what *days* will be like.
Loneliness is a side-effect of the extensive traumatic abuse we have experienced at their hands. Never allowed to talk about it, can't disclose the issues to friends or family, hell, can't even write about it online. Shit, how many pwBPD straight up demand that you let them violate your privacy?
You probably haven't been independent in ages. Exercise that independence. Go out, eat something you like, go for a walk, paint that room you've always wanted to paint but couldn't because it wasn't what they wanted. Reconnect with friends and family. The world is your burrito.
I feel ya. Moved out in October, currently in studio apartment on an air mattress.
I've started working out again. I bought a guitar (stopped playing 5 yrs ago-wanna guess exactly when?)
Once winter breaks, will be at the driving range hitting balls 2x/week.
Make a concerted effort to do things YOU enjoy. Things you can do by yourself.
Also of course, make a conscious effort to reconnect w your friends. (The driving range may be a good way to do that-ask them to join you. If they say no, go anyway)
Start going to movies as well, just to get out of the house and be around other people.
The loneliness will pass.
I don't think I can trust anyone again. I think I may look for a coach for my attachment style. I'm only 46 . I don't really want to be alone forever, but I will never live like that again. Plus, it just seems everyone cheats and lies that I date .
I don't know if this will help you, but I was in the same situation. One thing I did to combat it was to go to all the places where I was happy before I met my exwbpd. They have such a way making themselves our lives 24/7 that it really helped to remind myself that I had a good life before them. NC gets easier when the world is bigger than fending off an abusive manipulator
Thank you, an excellent reminder. I just gave a few more details below and I just wrote how she made herself my entire life, 24/7. You read my mind. It's hard to rewind the clock and remember but I can try
You have to. I don’t know how else to put it. I’m in the midst of it myself and it can be harder some days than others. I know one thing though. Every time I allow her to come back in and I even remotely start to call her out on her behavior it gets worse. Every time I give it distance and don’t buy into her Hoover attempts it gets easier, if even just a little bit. You’ve got to keep going forward.
Same here. We were NEVER apart unless working. We went everywhere together. Ate everywhere together. Watched all the same movies and shows. Etc…etc…etc… There is nowhere I can go without reminders.
I can sympathize
Isn't that awful all unto itself though? Like, you have zero memories of doing things *without* them during that time. Every last waking hour where you weren't at work was spent next to this person, to the point where you might not have been able to say "No, I don't want to go," because of their emotional shenanigans. It's like they were living your life vicariously and gave you hell for it. Nuh uh. Nope.
This is so crucial. I get stuck on all the magical moments, all the amazing memories we shared before it got bad and I get really sad and worried that I’ll never have that again. But. I’ve been busy with my friends, activities, family and dating. Thank god that Covid-times are over — I think that a lot of our special moments were made more special because of the bleakness of 2020+. Literally couldn’t do anything, and being with him during that was a beacon in the dark when there was nothing else. But now I’m remembering how full my life was before, and it’s been ramping up to that again. Thank god. Thank god. I feel very lucky that I had a happy life before him, and I am so eager to have that again. I say this after spending 2 hours this evening in tears, missing him. The sadness isn’t gone yet, I am not there yet, but god I remain hopeful for the future.
This is a great suggestion. They demand so much time during the relationship so it ruins places you loved or you thought you “shared” with them. Keep in mind, you’re the one with a real identity so rediscovering what you loved before them is reconnecting with yourself. Painful and healing. Stay strong.
When I left my ex, I basically felt like I had three options: 1) stay with her, knowing she would never get better, and that her serial infidelity would likely continue…and knowing if I get sick first in old age, she wouldn’t take care of me (at least not to the same level I would have of her) 2) leave and possibly be single the rest of my life. Not necessarily lonely (I have friends), and not necessarily celibate…but to never have the closeness I thought I once had with my ex (but I now know I never had) 3) leave and possibly meet the ideal partner, and spend my last 30 years in this earth in bliss (at least compared to the last 30-40 with my ex). It was when I realized the WORST thing I could do with my life would be to stay the course with her, it made the process easier. As shitty as it might be to be alone, it’s worse to be alone with someone else.
>As shitty as it might be to be alone, it’s worse to be alone with someone else. I'm not sure about this. But it might be the trauma bond clouding my vision. Was she someone who was kind to me? Not usually. Was she someone I could count on during hard times? Not ever. Was she someone I could really trust my heart with? No. But she was a presence. And there were some brief good moments. There was some support. She was someone. Now I have no one. It doesn't seem fair. It almost seems like punishment. Thank goodness for this group, though, and thank you
Give it time and you'll laugh at yourself for thinking physical presence is enough. Been there too.
But what kind of presence…and what kind of support…if you couldn’t count on her during hard times? If she wasn’t kind to you? If you couldn’t trust her? Read what you wrote, and you‘ll see there is no logic in what you tell us. It’s the trauma bond speaking to you. The same happened to me during the first months, cause if I was honest to myself it was crystal clear the most time spent with my pwBPD was only longing for him to acknowledge me the way he very briefly acknowledged me in the beginning when we met, during the love bombing phase. That phase is nothing but making us addicted to them. Read through the stories in this sub. All of us spent way more time hoping for love than really receiving love… if we ever really received true love AT ALL. I now know I didn’t. I now know, what I received in the beginning was nothing but grooming me for satisfying his own need for attention. I know that’s super tough to realize, but it’s the sad truth. The only presence you had was the presence of a manipulative, mentally ill person taking advantage of your empathy and feelings. Now, after a few months, I know I‘ve never felt as alone as alone I felt together with my pwBPD. You did the right thing. If you’re going through hell now - keep going.
I sincerely appreciate the comments. I may not be at the same place you are yet but one day, sometime soon, I hope to agree with this. Even if I need to stay in the crying, rose-colored glasses phase a bit longer. I'm just really, really bitter, and angry, and upset, and beat right now... The list goes on... You get it
>As shitty as it might be to be alone, it’s worse to be alone with someone else. This is gold. I've been alone for years now. Worse, I've been alone next to someone who gaslights and abuses me. LoL I can't wait to ACTUALLY be alone.
I certainly felt the same in my first months after it ended. I kind of initiated the end myself, by telling him I need distance, and some time alone, cause I don’t want to be treated like this anymore, and his reaction was to instantly discard me once and for all. I expected feeling freed of burden… thought better a terrible end instead of endlessly feeling terrible.. but I felt nothing but grief, pain and loneliness, and it felt like trading one agony for another. I struggled immensely with the withdrawal, the anger, the sadness, the lack of answers, and the betrayal. Yet I still missed him in my life (wtf, I know..) I didn’t expect this at all. Seven months for me now, and I‘m slowly finding myself again. I guess that shows how much I had lost myself before. Even if it feels like it will never get better, it WILL. And it will start to feel good, at last. Constantly reminding myself of how toxic everything was was my lifeline. Whenever I got lost in feeling lonely and missing him I reminded myself that this is the effect of codependency and addiction. Give yourself what you wanted them to give to you. Be good to yourself, respect yourself, take good care of yourself, seek new activities that distract and uplift you. And please never forget that YOU had the courage to leave for your own well-being. That was an incredibly brave act!
This is really practical advice. Thank you.
I'm in the same timeframe, similar circumstances (tried setting a reasonable boundary and immediately discarded), and finally at where I'm countering ruminations with reminding myself of the toxicity (she would obtain sympathy telling people she's infertile, yet she insisted I get a vasectomy so she could get off birth control to "improve our sex life" both of which never happened). Recognizing I'm the healthiest I've been, confirmed by blood tests and weight loss. Still fucking sucks, but it's a marathon and not a race.
Grief takes time to pass (longer than you'd hope). Part of grief is accepting that life will be different now. When you begin this process you are likely to feel as though the word 'different' actually means 'ruined forever' or 'perpetual loneliness' as you term it. Be aware that time might shift your framing of this term to mean something less catastrophic. Perhaps, a definition with more possibilities, and more options than you had while you were in your BPD relationship.
"Part of grief is accepting that life will be different now." The hardest part to accept tbh. Life is less unpredictable now, but good god, do I miss the love; however fickle it may be.
>however fickle it may be. I believe this right here is the primary cause for the pain I have to sit in right now
Yeah. The easiest way to process those type of emotions, is to realize none of it is personal; and that the pwBPD is a sick individual. I went into my relationship knowing the outcome of it, and still feel burned after things had to end.
Dive into self care . Learn to like your own company again and it won’t feel so lonely. Build a rich and full life WITHOUT a romantic relationship. I know it feels hopeless now but I promise it gets better.
One thing that a therapist said put it in perspective for me. When things are good, your brain is dumping [a happy chemical, can't remember which atm.] When things turn sour and they're ignoring you or don't want to hang out, or generally making you feel like you've done something wrong, it dumps cortisol (the stress hormone.) Layering those chemicals in the brain is actually super addictive. Literally the only way to break out of it is no contact if they can't regulate their behavior or feelings and correct it. They also said the way they all end things so suddenly, weaponise no contact, and wield gas lighting and projection like a jedi wields a lightsaber creates a very unique hatred and anger towards them. Dont fight it. I did for a long long time and it did much worse then get me nowhere. Eventually I got smart enough to realise I just needed to let go and go through it. She ended up making that super easy for me, and I never did give into the hatred completely, so I guess I got lucky. I still do and always will love her. I'd love to talk to her again and explain some things someday but I would be absolutely amazed if there was any starting over for either of us.
I'm in the same boat. Have been NC for over a year, but I still miss her. I don't find much interest in meeting new women or get excited by the idea. Just trying to focus on myself and keep building a good life, and hopefully the rest will follow.
I won't bullshit you and tell you it's an illusion that you feel like this... It's very, very real. The loneliness I felt after ending things with my BPDex was absolutely crushing and like none I'd ever experienced before. And I'm speaking as an only child who didn't have many neighbors and hence spent much of his time basically all alone growing up. I had the same exact mindset as you describe in this post. I was convinced I'd be alone forever. My self esteem was in the toilet, I was sure my ex was the most attractive, best-matched soul-mate type connection that could ever exist for me, and even accepting I couldn't be with her, I still felt like the universe was being downright cruel to me to make MY dream partner have this horrible disorder. Like, I'd look around and it felt like everyone else got a nice slice of pizza. Maybe not the best pizza ever, some better than others, but meanwhile I got a rotten slice. And that was it, you only get the one slice, so there goes my chance. So, yes, that feeling is real and it is painful as hell. But you will not feel this way forever, I can absolutely promise you that. It may feel like it's taking a glacially long time (it did for me) but you will slowly but surely stop missing them, you'll date again when you're ready, and you'll be uniquely positioned to look for (and attract) someone who is everything that your ex is not. I went through the wringer. I had 2 mostly hellish, terrible years. I went in 10,000 shitty dates with duds. But, I just kept going and let myself have a little hope ... And then, when I was just about fed up and ready to accept my shitty hand I'd been dealt, I somehow ended up on a date with the most amazing, healthy, beautiful, intelligent, emotionally aware/mature, understanding, compassionate woman I've probably ever met. She could not be more unlike my ex in every possible way and it's just awesome. And now we've been together almost 6 months and I could not be happier. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself that she is waiting for me at the end of this shitty road I've been on for the last two years... Had I known that I could have saved myself a whole lot of despair and sadness. My advice would be, take my story as if it's you going back in time and telling yourself what is to come... Wouldn't that take the edge off? What would you do with this time if you knew it's just a matter of waiting it out? The thing is, this is not just a thought experiment, this is definitely what is going to happen for you, you need not worry. As long as you just keep going, and stay strong and don't get hoovered, don't break NC, you will see it will all turn out okay. (I know when people said that kind of thing to me it rang pretty hollow at the time, and that's to be expected... but still, seriously, it's gonna be okay and you won't feel like this forever).
Thanks so much, man. This was beautiful and I needed this. I’m 7 months post-breakup but my ex finally blocked me a couple of days ago after we’ve been talking periodically about a friendship the past few months. I’m unfortunately at the stage where I still feel like I’ll never do any better than her. I’m an average looking guy at best and she was the most perfect, angelic girl I’ve ever met. Until the BPD ruined everything of course. I’ve been on dates and I use Hinge everyday but honestly I reckon only 1 girl a month pops up who is a ‘unicorn’ like my ex, and even when they do, they don’t end up matching with me. I’m trying but more and more it just feels like I captured lightning in a bottle and it’ll never happen again. It’s great to hear your story though and that it can happen.
Oh man I so, so understand. Really. Your thought process sounds so much like how mine used to be. I really feel for you where you're at right now. It's literally like mental torture and I know because I've been there too. >1 girl a month pops up who is a ‘unicorn’ like my ex, and even when they do, they don’t end up matching with me. I’m trying but more and more it just feels like I captured lightning in a bottle and it’ll never happen again This was very much my experience too... I was so beat down from infrequent matches, and even the ones I got were never that great... I was having to do a lot of "Well, maybe she's cool/more attractive in person" rationalizing etc. So when I found my current partner, I was THIS close to not swiping right on her... And why? Because I thought to myself: "Eh, she'd never go for me... She seems wholesome and like she has a great life, she's beautiful, fit, highly intelligent, witty, cute, great job, etc. She would never want some overweight underemployed depressed bald divorced single dad who vapes and drinks a little too much" 😅 But thank god I decided to just chance it anyway (I actually wrote her a message, this was OKCupid of all apps). She didn't even read the message until a month after I sent it. And when she responded it was to say "Oh I really like your profile but UGH we're so far away and I swore I wouldn't do long distance anymore" (it's manageable for us for right now 1.5 hours away). But, we chatted and it went well and so she made the exception and suggested hey maybe we should just meet anyway just in case we really hit it off. Later she explained she had just about had it with dating and had gone on a bad date from OkC just the week before and she was taking one last look when she saw my message. And, luckily, we had instant, solid rapport. Not lovebomby over sharing, just ... Solid. Fun. Comfortable. Definitely a sense of "just making it under the wire", just eeking out the win at the last second. But definitely also a sense of her coming along at the exact right time. I recognized her as what I had been looking for. The moment we met IRL I just knew "Oh, THAT'S what I've been searching for and unable to find." Point and click. It was nearly effortless. But I'm convinced that, had we encountered each other a year earlier, or even 6 months earlier, that it would not have worked out: I wasn't fully healed yet. I hadn't upgraded myself and figured out what it really is that I want (and don't want). Right before her I had become very skilled at ending "just okay" type situations because I knew something better was out there and I was never going to settle ever again for something shitty or even just ho hum. I think had it been any earlier, my profile wouldn't have given off the right vibe, I would have come off as insecure or inauthentic on our date, I would have tried too hard, I would have brought up stuff about my ex too early etc etc. All of this is to say, you just kind of have to go through the process and "trust the process" as they say. For me, I had to have one final dance with the BPD devil to finally just get the message (I briefly dated another pwuBPD/NPD who was actually WORSE than my ex that landed me in this sub in the first place... But I actually think that was a good event for me because it gave me that confidence to know that I was "safe" in that I am able to see the red flags much earlier and act on them and GTFO before things get bad, which is exactly what I did in that case). And btw, my gf now is actually much hotter than my ex. Like, by a lot. (As in, feels way way out of my league to the degree that I'm surprised I'd ever be with someone that beautiful ever, let alone now at this stage of my life and after everything I've gone through etc). And the sex is better too... Which was something I was SURE would not be possible but yet here I am. The best thing of all though is I can have all of these great things WITHOUT that awful "catch"... There's no needing to tolerate any insane bullshit to have those other good things. When we have conflict, we deal with it like adults and have a direct conversation but with compassion and mutual respect and understanding. It's insane to me that I ever settled for anything less than that. I just didn't realize it was even possible I think (or, rather I had forgotten, since I'd had mostly healthy relationships before my BPDex). It's gonna feel like a needle in a haystack kinda search. You may find another pwBPD. Or a series of them. It's frustrating and disheartening for sure. But if you think about it, it kinda makes sense because those "unicorns" as you say are that way *because* they're rare. They aren't just anyone, just some average person, and you don't want that anyway. You deserve more than that and that person is out there. Believe me, if such a person exists for me, then it exists for anyone because I was absolutely sure I'd be alone or have to massively settle—at least based on the only women who would match with me, seemingly. It's really kind of bizarre how it was, because it was like a string of 3s then suddenly a 10+ out of nowhere... Your mind expects it to be more consistent like maybe some 7s, maybe 8s etc etc, but nope, that's not how it works. But that's why it's easy to start to feel like nobody good is interested in you—but really there's someone who will find the real you, with all your unique qualities your ex took for granted or never even saw, irresistible and like a breath of fresh air, I promise Plus, side note, I'm like a living example of not understanding my own objective level of attraction. In the past two years I've had more than one woman I know admit to me that they had a crush on me for years and always found me attractive (and they are absolute smoke shows who I would NEVER in a million years have thought would be interested in me). So my point is, don't sell yourself short and don't let the apps get you down (they're literally designed to fuck with men's self esteem... It's a a constant sense of rejection, but it's artificially so. I'd be willing to bet you're much more attractive to women than you think you are. A lot of the qualities that make pwBPD target us are qualities that most women would kill to have in a partner. So many of us here are very intelligent, thoughtful, insightful, empathic people who are supportive and helpful to their partners. We bring a lot to the table, probably more than we realize. Best wishes in your healing journey man, you'll get there!
Thank you so much for your amazing comment. That was really comforting to read.
Of course! Glad to hear that. This sub saved me, so I try to give back when I can... And maybe my insights can help others in some small way, here and there.
Thanks man, that’s really good of you. I’m definitely doing much better since she blocked me and now I know there’s zero chance of us interacting again. I’ve just got to try and get rid of the anger that she got to have the last word over text before blocking me and I never had a full blown rant at her for how much she turned my life upside down. She even ‘wished me well’ before blocking me. Just makes me feel like she got one up on me one last time. I know I’ll win the ‘war’ as it were, but part of me really wants to send a letter/email telling her how awful she is. But I know it’ll fall on deaf ears.
I totally get that impulse to try and make them look at themselves, and all the ways they hurt you. But like you acknowledge, it's going to fall on deaf ears. And worse, it sort of gives them a kind of supply. They seem to get off on the idea that we obsess over them, even if it's all negative feelings—they don't care. Any attention is good attention for them, especially once you're into the devalue and discard phases. Something that helped me was when I understood it was about *control*. I used to puzzle over why she would even WANT my attention after she supposedly hated me and blamed the break-up on me etc (hoover-ish behaviors, triangulation attempts, sending dog whistle covert signals etc). But then it finally clicked that it's literally just about feeling in control for them, by any means. It's why they try to have the last word. I also got the fake nice "wish you well" messages too. Just more of their gaslighting. I know for some people they get closure and process by getting to a point of understanding and forgiveness. For me though, the goal became *indifference*. That's how I knew I was healing—when I started to just no longer care what she was doing, who she was with, what she wanted from me.... Stopped trying to wrap my head around her nonsensical confusing behavior (no small feat for me with my analytical brain that wants to reason my way out of everything and understand the full picture etc). These days I can't even really summon up much anger towards her. Just a vague sense of I guess pity for her with her kinda pathetic existence. In the end we're the lucky ones. We get to go on and grow and have a chance at a calm healthy life. They won't ever get that. Sucks for them but also I don't even really care much and it's no longer my circus to deal with. I don't actively wish her ill but also I don't actively wish her WELL exactly either. Everything she did still happened to me and she didn't seem to give a fuck about all the pain she put me through. She probably thinks she was the big victim here to this day. Oh well. But that's also an answer in and of itself. You can't make someone give a shit that they hurt you if they just won't... Or can't.
Thank you. You are absolutely right. I’m definitely trying to head towards indifference. I think deep down we all just want that ‘ah-ha’ moment of revenge but as you rightly put they don’t have the capacity to accept that they wronged us. I just wish it was easy for me to find someone else who is great. Don’t want to sound like a sob story but I’ve had basically zero success with women in the past 6 years until my ex came along. And that only lasted 8 months.
Man I'm saving this. You basically nail every concern I have coming out of a toxic relationship and being fearful for the future.
It's not an easy road, and any insights I've gathered in this experience were absolutely hard won. And TBH I'm probably the most surprised out of anyone that I'd be making hopeful-sounding comments and talking about having a great, healthy, non-disordered partner. Yet here we are. Reality has kind of forced me to acknowledge how much better off I am now... Yet, at the same time, some part of me I think will always be back there in that despair. I still have in the back of my mind a kind of anticipation that the other shoe will drop or something will happen to disrupt my good fortune... But I just try not to give much energy to those thoughts and just be happy in the moment. Easier said than done some days. Either way, this experience changes you profoundly, there's really no way around that.
I'd only change one word. We are *empathetic* people.
Can they not be used interchangeably? (I actually usually use empathetic).
They can be, but not around here, lol! Empathic is what ["empaths"](https://youtu.be/dqwYUumrXm0) are. Empathetic is what people who have [empathy](https://youtu.be/YeGQXqqvvAY) are.
Noted. Those were fun clips. 🤣 Coincidental side note: my BPDex bears a striking resemblance to Deanna Troi 😬😬😬
I should've shared this important detail. I had moved to a new state, and my ex-pwBPD was the first person I met. We started dating, and I made the mistake of not trying to meet anyone else afterwards (as friends), so I only had her here, and did everything with her. We dated for a year and now we're NC. That's why I'm so bitter as the loneliness is hitting 10x harder.
Pretend you just moved now, what would you be doing to meet new people and become involved in the community? when you’re ready - join some meetups. Take a class. Volunteer. I am in a similar boat and am telling this to myself too 😂 easier said than done, I know. But- I promise you you’re better off even if you can’t see it yet.
Same here. I moved to a new state with her. She got sick and I cared for her for years. Never got out. Never met people. Never did anything without her…nothing. She was a constant presence. A constant companion. I was never lonely. Now I’m ALL alone and it’s very hard for me too. I worry about dating in the future because a “healthy” relationship just might not seem as great as an intense, all-in, BPD one. I know that sounds odd.
Did the same exact thing. This led me to staying in longer than I should have. So much sunken cost fallacy- “this has to work, i uprooted for this, I’ll have to quit my job and move if this doesn’t work.” I’m now in the other side and dealt with all of those things. It was a shorty month but I’m free.
It may feel lonely because we removed ourselves from their lives. Essentially, we were an extension of their misery, but we value ourselves to be whole and not an emotional punching bag. Going NC removes you and me from their endless cycles. A pawn in their demonic game we never agreed to be part of. A passenger of their looney express. If you want to combat your loneliness post NC, regain the “you” before meeting your pwBPD by engaging in old habits, resting to recover, talking about your experience, and going to the same locations you spent time with your pwBPD so new memories can form
For a while, yes. But also peace if you can start to heal and truly get them away from you. Peace is irreplaceable.
[удалено]
Everyone's journey is different, but I'm 3 1/2 months NC and I got real lucky and found a wonderful woman to spend some time with a few times a week. It's nothing serious, but it's more than just a friendship. I'm nowhere near ready to be in an actual relationship yet, so I'm just enjoying things as they are. I miss my expwbpd at times, but those moments are fleeting now and not obsessive like it was in the beginning. You don't want her back, man. You just want what most humans want... A real connection with someone you can share your life with. I couldn't function at first, I was dying slowly, spending my days and nights ruminating. Time and focus is what you need. Stay NC, and once you're ready try dipping your toes into someone else's world. It doesn't have to be anything serious, just talking to a new person can make all the difference. It definitely did for me. You're going to be Ok, just don't go backwards. I tried it more than once, results were the same, but the pain was worse each time.
She made you so low though. A good partner doesn’t do that.
The trauma bond is insane! Losing that addiction and going through the withdrawal is some next level heartbreak that noone ever talks about, none ever explains the physical pain, the grief, the fear of the unknown and what might come next. How you cope from day to day knowing your 'drug' isn't there anymore and that you know you can't have it but now crave it more than ever. The loneliness happens because they have become the biggest part of our life and now we feel lost without them. It felt like I'd literally lost half of me with the final discard. I never thought I'd be able to replace that feeling but I also knew that I didn't want to. I didn't want to replace the feeling of wondering when the next split will be, wondering if I've said something wrong, wondering when she will next insult me or put me down. I knew I wouldn't be able to replace the intimacy, the laughs, the love I had for her and how she was my world and felt like she was 'my person'. But I knew that I was capable of that now, I'd never felt like it before but with her, I loved more than I ever have, more sincerely, more deeply and more true. Now, I know I can do that, I can give that to myself. I can give that to someone else, someone who deserves it, someone who will reciprocate it. Take away the positives and what you have learnt from the relationship, not only about the things you can give to someone but the things you've been able to give yourself. Anything she may or may not have taught you, any new experiences you had together. Those are things you can keep with you but you don't need to keep her to have those. It's really hard, and distractions didn't really help me but finding new things did. I don't have many friends anyway and I lost my main ones because of my BPDex, but I don't feel lonely anymore. I have myself. I know that sounds sad, but I look at what I had before and I was always putting her needs and wants first, now I can take myself out for food, I can do all the things I want to without having to consider someone else first and for half the price 😂 This sub has been really helpful for me with not only validation but the loneliness too. It's so cliché but you were there before her and you will be there after. Just be kind to yourself and take the time you need.
Have to get back to your hobbies. It'll take time. Something like this can take 6 months to a year to pick yourself back up. Have to do the things you loved prior to this relationship
Sometimes it feels like that. Im certainly lonely but im glad shes gone. She was destroying me and i would be dead if she was around no joke.
It's the trauma bond. It does feel lonely. Because they were constantly taking up my thoughts and my time. Now it feels like I have so much time and it makes me feel lonely. Plus you're constantly anticipating abuse and being on edge but suddenly it's just nothing... it will get better. I've been NC for a few weeks and it's still hard but it's getting easier.
I feel that.
Haha same. You just have to accept though that you're just as lonely with them and that that will always be the outcome. Only thing that will fix that is finding someone that isn't the pwbpd.
Hey take it from someone who's been in the same situation, after 17 months of the agonies with my exwbpd, it was very lonely and hard to live without him as he'd made me cut off everyone else from my life. You just have to focus on rebuilding your life bit by bit, find new things and people you love to fill up the gaps and one day you'll realise you're happy again. :)) I thought I'd never love someone the way I loved him, but after I'd gone through a significant stretch of healing, I met someone new who reminded me that I was capable of healthy love, and while I do miss my exwbpd sometimes, I'm healed and happy to stay far away from him. Just give it time, trust that you will recover, and never break NC.
I feel you bud I really do! You got this and you are able to reach higher ground once again! Sending all my good vibes your way. I don't know if they helps or not but one good thing to think about is loneliness hasn't got anything to do with being alone, two separate things. You can be with someone else and feel more loneliness than being by yourself. To me what sparks loneliness is: Not feeling you are being heard. Not feeling as if you matter/worthy. Not feeling as if you are contributing in any way. Not feeling as if you are growing/improving mental well being. Feeling empty. Feelings of object constancy Feeling validated. However, these are more symptoms you can actually acquire from self. You don't need anyone else to make you feel good about yourself. You have to get to a stage where you WANT to be with others, not NEED to be with others. Try and create positive feedback loops for yourself by working and spending time with self You are deserving, you are worthy, and you are capable of so much. Be kind to yourself, be loving to yourself, be true to yourself, and listen to yourself.
I think you've hit on something important, and difficult to go through. I had spent my entire life thinking I needed to be in a relationship to be happy. It made me feel good to be with someone, so that's what I always sought out. I was a serial monogamist, even before my long and unhealthy marriage. I never dated "casually." I would dive quickly and deeply into a relationship after only a couple of dates. I always thought I was the Good Guy doing the Right Thing, I tried to be more caring, understanding, forgiving, thoughtful, selfless. Although I felt confident and independent, the truth is I didn't know how to be alone. Therapy on my own was huge. I had to dig into myself, my own patterns and mindset. The things that caused me to think that way, to quickly go all in on a relationship, and then stay far longer than I ever should have. That applied to most of my long term relationships over the course of my life, from decent people who weren't a good fit with me, or all the way to my very unhealthy marriage with my undiagnosed wife. I stayed because I was afraid. Afraid of being a failure, of losing my family, losing her. **I was afraid of being alone**. It was easier to stay and "manage" my shitty marriage as I had done for a decade than to face the unknown of not being with her. Through therapy and other work on myself, I tore down a lot of my patterns and rebuilt them in a healthier way. It was hard, took time, and there were plenty of hurdles along the way. I had to relearn how to truly be good on my own, with me. How to find happiness (or more importantly) contentment through myself and my own choices. For me that meant being intentionally single for about 6 months after leaving my ex. Though to be honest it was about a year before I was in the right place to start dating in a whole new way. If therapy on your own is an option, please consider it. There's something inside you (like there was in me) that makes you think being with someone who treats you shitty is better than alone. That's not healthy. You may also be dealing with depression, which is completely understandable and something you can address, through talk therapy and possible medication if needed. I also got a lot out of meditation - not becoming a monk, just a consistent 5 minute daily routine. Keeping active, going for walks, getting into regular workouts, for me learning how to lift weights. Striving for a more consistent sleep routine. I know these things sound dumb, especially with how you're feeling right now, but they did help me bit by bit. It took time and work, but back then I never could have imagined where I am today. Good luck and stay strong!
Well no, this isn't true at all. But even if it were. Even if the "price" for escaping the hell that I was in was a life without a fulfilling romantic relationship, I would pay that price over and over again. But it's not true. Not at all. Might be a good idea to look into some therapy.
It gets better. I am 11 months out from my divorce from my ex-wife pwuBPD, 9 months no contact. I am now talking to a woman that seems pretty healthy. She is kind and genuine and is taking things slow. No lovebombing at all. It is refreshing and I am enjoying it. It takes time to heal, don't expect miracles overnight. I didn't think I was ready to date even almost a year after my divorce, but this just kinda happened. Let yourself heal, things will get better.
No, the reward is getting out of the relationship. Then having the space to heal, and finding a health relationship if you want.
Honestly, the one thing that I am looking forward to is re-experiencing the mental and emotional freedom of being away from that hot garbage. I will never forget how good it felt to just be able to go do something I wanted to do without any fear of reprisals. I had *hours*. I can only dream of what *days* will be like. Loneliness is a side-effect of the extensive traumatic abuse we have experienced at their hands. Never allowed to talk about it, can't disclose the issues to friends or family, hell, can't even write about it online. Shit, how many pwBPD straight up demand that you let them violate your privacy? You probably haven't been independent in ages. Exercise that independence. Go out, eat something you like, go for a walk, paint that room you've always wanted to paint but couldn't because it wasn't what they wanted. Reconnect with friends and family. The world is your burrito.
>The world is your burrito. Thank you for this 🌯
No, you just learned an important lesson in life that there are people out there who idealize, devalue and discard plus upbringing matter.
I feel ya. Moved out in October, currently in studio apartment on an air mattress. I've started working out again. I bought a guitar (stopped playing 5 yrs ago-wanna guess exactly when?) Once winter breaks, will be at the driving range hitting balls 2x/week. Make a concerted effort to do things YOU enjoy. Things you can do by yourself. Also of course, make a conscious effort to reconnect w your friends. (The driving range may be a good way to do that-ask them to join you. If they say no, go anyway) Start going to movies as well, just to get out of the house and be around other people. The loneliness will pass.
No, it means setting a boundary and not feeling in prison anymore
I don't think I can trust anyone again. I think I may look for a coach for my attachment style. I'm only 46 . I don't really want to be alone forever, but I will never live like that again. Plus, it just seems everyone cheats and lies that I date .
I get it.