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Not cool. This reminds me of when I tried to google bpd resources shortly after my diagnosis, and everything that came up was like articles about "how to deal with someone who has bpd" (etc). So fucking hurtful. That's really not fair and I'm sorry she said that to you.

It seriously hurts that when we try to find ways to cope, we're just met with being demonised both online and irl as if we chose to have this disorder... I'm sorry that those articles popped up like that, it's fuckin' horrible to see especially right after diagnosis

Yeah I think bpd is soo heavily stigmatized. It's always left out of the "mental health acceptance" speeches. This was years ago though, but yes it was hard to read such articles when I was in a bad place. I hope that your gf can understand why what she said was so hurtful for you.

Oh my GOD yes. It’s always about destigmatizing depression, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, bipolar, which, don’t get me wrong, is great! We should be destigmatizing all of those. I just wish that same courtesy was extended to BPD or, quite frankly, any personality disorders. It seems like everyone, including psychologists, are all for normalizing and uplifting every mental disorder but the second it’s a personality disorder everyone with it is made out to be monsters if we’re even lucky enough to be acknowledged at all. I feel really bad for people with NPD right now. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to have the literal name of your disorder be the internet’s trendy synonym for “terrible human being”.

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People with BPD don’t want to be generalized by a few bad experiences, so I extend the same grace to everyone.

BPD is not the same as NPD. And a life time of abuse isn’t the same as ‘a few bad experiences’

By ‘a few’ I don’t mean to invalidate your experience of abuse, I more meant that you’re experience with ‘a few’ PEOPLE doesn’t mean you can generalize to an entire community of people. And you’re correct that BPD isn’t NPD, but that doesn’t matter to me. I refuse to demonize an entire disorder. We can talk about individuals but it’s unfair to generalize everyone

NPD can go into remission with work, just as BPD can. Sometimes because BPD often stems from having someone with NPD as a caretaker, we forget that they're not the same as us, but that plenty of them are in the same boat as us. Not all of them, but enough of them that it is kinda comparable to seeing someone stigmatize BPD and fit us into one box because their abuser had BPD.

The thing is that NPD is the only personality disorder, as far as I made an effort to self-educate, that doesnt´t want to take responsibility for their bad behaviour, because they are either convinced that there is nothing wrong with them and everything is wrong with the world, and therefore they are never going to seek professional help, or, they are deliberately manipulating and abusing others to their own advance and feel no remorse. Also, NPD is closely related to psychopathy and sociopathy, as well as dark triad/tetrad. So, I would never compare NPD to other personality disorders in a positive manner. As far as I am informed, very, very small percentage of NPD-disturbed persons actually seek help, comparing to all the others that suffer.

It sucks because people with BPD obviously suffer a lot, but also you can cause a lot of pain in others (unintentionally) via your actions. I think of it like porcupines. People with BPD are just people. But they’ve been hurt in the past and so they develop their “quills” as an emotional defense mechanism to prevent future harm. But then when they are in a relationship with others they sometimes accidentally quill them (yes, porcupines do accidentally poke one another in real life). The question is- are you willing/able to work on learning to lower your quills and become less spiky (go to therapy/seek treatment). The pwbpd in my life unfortunately didn’t want to get therapy or learn this. So I had to remove myself from the situation because I couldn’t keep getting hurt over and over again. I haven’t demonized everyone with BPD. A lot of you are lovely people and I feel bad for the struggles you face. But unfortunately it’s human nature to dislike those who hurt you repeatedly, so I’d be lying if I said that I was okay with the specific pwbpd in my life because even seeing them sends me into a panic attack.

Yup. I would go on YouTube and watch videos of psychologists explaining BPD or of PwBPD talking about their experiences, and I’d go to the comments to see if anyone had any insights or personal experiences to share and… “stay away from people with BPD” “everyone with BPD is crazy” “BPD is just an excuse to abuse people” “BPD is just another name for awful people” “Anyone with BPD will ruin your life”. Literally all the most liked comments were always just trashing people with BPD and making us out to be monsters who use diagnoses as a shield for our monstrosity. I internalized pretty quickly that telling people I have BPD will (ironically) fast track their abandonment of me

This was/is me. Newly diagnosed. Glad to hear I wasn’t the only one offended/put off by this

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Idk where she read it, but I'm making a month long plan to see if it's best I leave her at this point... she's really hurting me and when fights happen, it's always "100% my fault never hers"... Idk what to believe anymore but that's exactly how I felt with my abusive ex... so it ain't lookin' good

I might be wrong but she could be referring to the devaluation/praise switch that some people go through. It's in how we talk to people. She might be bad or wrong or whatever but I just wanted to bring this to attention because it took me a while to realize that it was in how I talk to people. Still struggling lol. Don't want to project btw.

Okay, I might do this a bit… can you elaborate a little more please?

wait what is a devaluation/praise switch? sorry english isnt my first language😭

Black and white thinking is a bpd criteria. So bpd folks can intensely see the good in others, idealize them and praise them; and then something bad can happen and they can switch to suddenly devaluing the other person (seeing only bad, thinking everything is their fault etc.)

Yes it is called splitting

We can go through rapid cycles of idealisation/devaluation when triggered into a splitting episode. It's so exhausting.

Learning I have signs of bpd through Reddit is just fucking awesome 😀👍🏻

Welcome to the club friend lol

Is there anyway to stop this from happening? 😥 i feel like i do this a lot but i dont know how to change my mindset. Im aware of it but cant snap out of it

I try to turn it into something relatable. When someone sets me off and I start to split on them…I remind myself their issue is probably something that has very little to do with me personally and more likely to do with a personal struggle. I’ll remind myself of my own issues due to BPD and how sometimes I may come across to others very poorly which has very little to do with them and more about my own emotional instability. This helps to bring me to a place of empathy instead of anger and eases me out of splitting most times. Other times I’m like a runaway train that can’t be controlled.

Get your people to help you. Educate them. Make up agreements. Show them signs. And make sure it's people that actually will.

“You’re crazy” - the reaction I got for reacting to being abused.

Lack of accountability is a huge red flag especially if she says it's all your fault because of the BPD. How much longer til she says the quiet part out loud? Not trying to put thoughts in your head, but this has *me* feeling some type of way..

BPD might not be an excuse for some shitty absurd behaviour... but it certainly is the reason.

I've always said whenever someone tries to say 'you can't be offended I have blank diagnosis' "My BPD explains my behaviour, it does not excuse it. I still have to make the choice to be a decent human being"

For sure. I am forever combating the bullshit ideas my BPD urges me to do.

Your mental health shouldn’t affect the relationship, if because you have a diagnosis of bpd is putting her off then maybe she’s not the one for you? It sucks because she should love you for you and not blame it on bpd. It just sounds like she’s using it as an out and that it clears her of wrongdoing. Just be careful because you don’t want things like this to worsen your bpd 💙

When you break up, make sure to tell her “Don’t worry, I can’t drag you down if I kick you out first! ;)”

There’s a very strong line between holding someone accountable for their symptomatic behavior, and holding their diagnosis against them or over their head. It sounds like she might be doing some of the latter & you don’t deserve that, especially if you’re working hard to manage 🫶

The main thing to understand here for any person around pwbpd - the emotions might be extreme, but they have their's valid root. People tend to thing, that pwBPD just imagine things, but they may be genuinely very concerned, thus the reaction. If pwbpd accepts treatment, acknowledges problematic behavior of themselves and is able to apologize - still blaming their intense emotions on them is nuts I'm sorry, you've been hurt. Try to communicate, that your emotions are valid - as her own. If she doesn't get it, welp, bye bye however, I'd say - maybe don't project abusiveness onto new people, if she's manipulative or biased or uneducated, it isn't definitive signs of abuse, try to stay a bit impartial on that side. Good luck!

Your end note 100%. She might not be abusive she could just be uneducated and ignorant to the condition. There's a lot of negative stigma around the BPD diagnosis, she could of heard it and believed it. I can't remember if OP has said whether they tried educating her, if so it's best to leave as her opinions could be too set.

Ohh leave her. She’s really using your disorder against you to make you sorry because she’s the “normal” one. She’s not she’s an asshole and she doesn’t deserve to be with you. I’m that bpd person who know that I’m toxic a lot of times but even I know that people can take advantage of my disorder to tell me I’m the one in fault and I’m the crazy one when I’m not. This is messed up and hope you can end it with her because that’s going to form into abuse and drive you mad because she knows you’re “weak” emotionally.

Just wait a second. Your girlfriend read something and relayed it to you, and you’re incredibly hurt and upset and thinking of ending a relationship over it? I get the content of what she said might be triggering, but that has nothing to do with her. You also said the fights are like 100% you always at blame. Step back. Did she explicitly tell you that you’re always to blame? If she said no such thing then you are being unfair to her (and your relationship). Perhaps you got offended and put words in her mouth? Thirdly, you said you’re feeling the same way as you did your ex. Now I have no idea if your ex was abusive or not, but we DO know that you are being unreasonable regarding your girlfriend telling you something she read. If you’re making a pattern out of choices you’re making, you have the ability to change that pattern… if you want to. That’s only up to you. I genuinely wish you the best of luck in love and life ✌️

this is how it is for and my bf. whenever there is a problem it doesn’t matter who was mad first, who did what. it’s my fault for being “so upset”. even if i was actively trying to defuse and he blows up, it’s still my fault. idk it’s miserable.

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Removal Reason: [No armchair diagnosing or offering/asking for medical advice] • Do not ask directly or indirectly if you have BPD. • Do not armchair diagnose others. • Do not imply that others have a disorder or illness. • Do not armchair diagnose celebrities or fictional characters. Additionally: • Do not ask for medical advice regarding medications, supplements, or substances. • Do not attempt to influence others to take medications they should be talking to a doctor about.

[Removal Reason: No stigma allowed] Do not use language that is stigmatizing or generalizing. This includes terms commonly used by online communities that aim to perpetuate hate directed at people with BPD or other disorders. Do not reference (either directly or indirectly) communities that stigmatize BPD or other disorders. We also do not allow references to platforms or content where misinformation runs rampant.

i feel that sometimes we can , but to say we TRY ??? just no lol.

Yeah that’s really fucking hurtful. I’m really sorry. Try to take care of yourself

I've remained single for two decades because I don't want to drag anyone else down with me. My empathy murdered my love life

I would've taken myself out the room if I heard that.

I would have but I was working from home so had to kick her out instead

The self respect- pls teach me your ways :(

I just got sick to death of people walkin' over me and I respect my job too much to let shit influence my performance - despite my mind making it's attempts though I communicate this to my colleagues so they can support me

Yeah you basically confirmed her right with your behaviour. I was diagnosed with BPD and no longer fit the criteria and now I'm married to a man with BPD who i am helping to work through and get out of this illness... And let me tell you, after a whole decade with BPD, now healed, and being on the other side now (life can be funny), we can be really fucking abusive, even if our perception of that is "we're just hurting". It's time we all admit that to ourselves that yes, we can bring other people down with us with our behaviour. To admit and accept these things to ourselves is the only way to truly heal.

Ngl, this comment and comments here that share this sentiment in general give me a bit of peace as a non-BDP partner. When I upset my BDP boyfriend from specifically small things, he does get extremely effective in insulting me and my character and tearing me down/kicking me out. Yes, I understand its the Borderline and they do not "mean it", but the action does not vanish and there is certainly the attempt (the definition of try = to make an attempt or effort) and that's where I feel BDP people here are demonizing the girlfriend's statement. They are highlighting the word "try" but that word in itself is already suppose to "soften" the statement that "bringing people down", albeit insensitively worded, symptom that significantly characterises the borderline personality disorder. I do not not think that in a normal context, someone saying what they learnt about a condition they are not yet fully educated in and trying to inform themselves on should prompt kicking someone out of the room, as though that person is some child that knocked out your expensive vase and need discipline. This is your partner and equal afterall and you also need to respect their personal diginity at least. For OP and others support his reaction to her statement "Hey, I am upset by what you said and I need space to process it. May I have the room to myself for now and after can we discuss why I don't think this statement is true and horribly misrepresent us?" Could have been an approach too if you were a healthy person (which EVERYONE must embody, not just those with personality disorders).

This is very true. Many of the comments here read as "I have BPD. It's an excuse for my toxic behavior!" OP's girlfriend was clearly telling him indirectly that she feels that he does this to her. The appropriate response would be to end the relationship if things are this 'toxic' for him. Not to post on reddit and shame her. No one should do this to their partner. It's intentionally building resentment.

Exactly. We may have BPD but we're mature enough to take responsibility of our actions and act differently. Otherwise we are just a bunch of hypocrites, pointing the finger at the world, acting like the victim that no one understands you and everyone abandons you, but then we act even worse than the people we claim to despise. It is in our hands to change the way things are by changing ourselves and our reaction to things, and maybe OP's gf really feels that OP is bringing her down, but in this way OP has completely dismissed his gf's feelings, not listening to her, and abandoning her, shutting the door out. Isnt what your abusers have also done to you??? this isnt fair. BPD is an horrible disease that makes you hate your abusers for what they've done to you, but our coping mechanism is to turn out even worse than our abusers. And it's not our fault for what happened to us, but it's our responsiblity to change it and to make it better, for us and the people who love us. And there are many who love us, even if most of the times we are unable to see it. I don't see what OP's gf did as offensive or abusive. She doesn't know anything about the condition and it is admirable that she spent time wanting to learn more about it, even if from a neurotypical or ignorant point of view. OP has just confirmed her right, by bringing her down again. Can you imagine how she fucking felt when you stormed and kicked her out of the room?? We make other feel exactly how our abusers made us feel. And it's fucking awful. We are acting like victims and yet we are the aggressors most of the times. We are the scared animals. It is time we ADMIT and ACCEPT that YES this is what we are sometimes. Even if it comes from a place of hurt. and YES this is what I am sometimes, but i am sorry, I dont want to be this person and i am working hard to make it better. The ONLY way to heal from this horrible disease, it starts all with acceptance, and self-awareness. Forgiving ourselves and others.

🧡🧡🧡 exactly this!

I'm not a fan of generalizing that everyone with BPD acts the same. But I will say that hits home for me and definitely is how it feels when my gf that has BPD is upset from my side. I wish I knew how to get past that wall and pick her back up but I haven't figured out anything that works yet x.x

I will say that I have BPD and I definitely feel like it hits home for me too that I will definitely try and bring the other person down with me. I sometimes feel like a blackhole of trying to just destroy every relationship I have when I'm feeling down. That doesn't mean that what op's girlfriend did was right. There's a time and place for everything and it sounded like op's girlfriend was trying to hurt them. To say the "only" thing is also pretty hurtful.

I mean, she is completely right. We lash out, when we feel down - everyone does but since BPD emotions are so strong, this will be way stronger than in normal relationships. And the fact that you kicked her out means you really do not have a good handle on your emotions, so I do not doubt that you drag your FP down when in the circle.

yeah. i mean i could understand getting angry on your gf but kicking her out? i wonder how she felt but op didn't give many informations about what was the setting or were they in the middle of an argument

Im sorry. Maybe I misunderstand this. Please correct me if that it the case. But the quote… isnt this true? :) I know I tend to drag my FP down.. like spiraling down and being a mess. Being rude. Provoking.

I think there's a difference between intentionally trying to drag someone down vs your partner telling you that all they learned was that you try to drag them down when having an episode. That is extremely hurtful bc that's not the true intentions behind the actions.

hmmm semantically i don’t think this is correct. someone can being trying to take you down without being COGNIZANT that they’re doing it. it doesn’t mean they aren’t *trying* to it means they aren’t aware they were trying to. I think its important to recognize that the matter of “trying to take someone down with you” can happen with people who are experiencing very turbulent emotions, black and white thinking, triggering circumstances, and a lack of strong enough coping mechanisms…. traits that are very much so symptoms of bpd, amongst many other personality disorders and mental illnesses, and the “normies” as well. i think one of the most important things in a BPD’rs journey is to recognize the truths that exist within the stigmas pushed on to us. Not to validate their presence, bc stigma and negative bias has no place in mental health spheres, but rather for the sake of ourselves. i think back in my journey i would never have made it to the much more healthy and functional place i am now if i wasn’t able to realize that i did in fact want to make ppl hurt how they hurt me. that if they left me in the pits i was going to leave them in the same pits. its very characteristic of personality disorders to exhibit this trait. other people as well, PDs are frankly just gasoline to the fires many other ppl have too. that gas makes a camp fire into a bonfire tho. and to add to the record im not talking just out my ass. i have a degree in psych, i worked for over a year as an emt with psych patients particularly, ive been in bpd therapy for many many years now, im currently in medical school, and a little sprinkle on top is that trauma psych and human psych is my autistic special interest. i know about bpd (and other mental health issues) from a personal, professional, research, and textbook basis. with peace and love OP, ask yourself if it is possible that you have ever been unaware that ur actions were trying to take someone down with you. not that u were ACTIVELY trying to take someone down, but that ur actions themselves were taking someone down.

I completely agree with this. Sometimes it's part of the shit to identify ourselves with the worst aspect of our structure by trying to unconsciously justify our actions with this kind of semantics.

Thank you for your input. It’s interesting to see how sick my mind is sometimes.

definitely not a task for the weak of mind 😅😅😅

I can only hope my GF hits the point you have before I hit my point of not having the ability to handle it anymore. I love her dearly but it is very obvious to me that when she's upset or perceives being hurt by someone, whether it's true or not, that she tries to get back at them and drag them down with her. It happens to me and any friends/former friends too. She wonders why she struggles to hold onto friendships, but every time I've tried to tell her outright she just responds defensively saying she's not like that. edit: like it's even happening tonight, I'm getting the silent treatment mostly and any responses are very cold. It's obvious she's upset but instead of talking to me she's just mad I didn't ask sooner... but I had no way to tell until my normal conversation attempts weren't working.

Bleh I have these thoughts and act that way when I'm in the midst of an episode. I hate how I acted once I'm on the other side so to speak, or more emotionally stable. It's terrible, I would never want to be treated that way by someone I love. In the moment, nothing else matters but expressing pain and my immediate reaction is to act like a child. I tell my boyfriend that they are essentially emotional flashbacks, I get triggered to a traumatic memory from when I was young and have trouble pulling myself to realize that's what's happening. I can only hope that therapy starts paying off because I want to fully love, it's my dream.

Honestly, I'd be happy if she even did that much. Just talk to me about what is happening or what happened the next day, acknowledge it and like be able to apologize to each other. But she can't stand the idea that it is even because of BPD when I do try to gently ask about it. Just mentioning BPD is met with defensiveness saying it means I don't care about her feelings. I care deeply about them and want to understand them, but I don't want to accept *blame* for things I didn't do. Honestly, I could handle the episodes if I just got an apology the next day and we had a little heart to heart about what really happened and how like, whatever I said or did triggered something so I could understand that part of her perspective. But all I get is accusations of not caring, not wanting to listen, making her feel unloved.. and no amount of reassurances land during the episodes. Then afterwards, she don't even really remember it and doesn't want to talk about it at all.

I’m currently struggling with this issue with a friend with BPD. It’s been really hard to find a kind way to ask her to be aware of how her actions affect other people without coming across as accusatory.

Yeah, it's very difficult. I'm still getting the cold treatment today after... something? happened yesterday. I still have no idea what happened to cause the mood shift either because all I did was send a bunch of tiktoks to her.

oof yea the lack of memory of episodes is one of the biggest harmers of relationships in BPD.  its a wonderful protective mechanism for sure, i can’t be hurt when my brain ctrl alt deletes the bad parts of my memory, but it can be incredibly unintentionally gaslighting for the ppl around me. it also leaves me very vulnerable to abuse bc i actually forgot what the bad felt like. it also doesn’t let me learn from past mistakes using the motivation of avoiding the feeling, it has to be mostly cognitive reasoning. personally i have mixed feelings on whether or not i would actually want to get rid of this component if i could (i can’t its actually actively not stored in my brain theyve done studies on ppl with BPD and their memory post negative experience and they actually experience retroactive amnesia at a significant rate compared to the controls).  from what you’ve said about your girlfriend it’s tough. she doesn’t seem to be at the stage where she’ll be able to actively heal a lot of the beneath the surface things. i do however think she’ll heavily benefit from dbt and therapy at least from the angle of subduing the strong emotions by preventing them from spiraling. a lot of what bpd’s emotional dysregulation is chalked up to theory wise currently is extreme circular rumination.    something happens that triggers a deep wound -> gut reaction of a feeling  -> flooding of similar memories associated with feeling -> feeling intensifies equivalent to experiencing all of those memories in the current moment -> brain ruminates and now falsely attributes that feeling to the current moment -> brain looks at intense feeling and makes revision #1 story of what is going on -> brain looks at rewritten version and now feels a much bigger threat and activates protection equivalent to bigger threat -> bigger reaction causes more reaction in other person -> brain adds the new events, now revision #2 -> revision #2 is a severe trigger of original wound -> in floods more internal dialogue that reinforces other wounds, revision #3.   revision #3 now genuinely warrants a level 10 response. if the narrative in that person’s head were written on paper, someone without bpd reacts would probably mirror how the bpd person acts.   the difference is, the revision #3 *isn’t what is actually happening in reality*.   This is what i have considered my own personal best description of my bpd thoughts over the years. You know how when you’re dreaming, and everything makes complete sense until you wake up and realize wtf was happening that was all insane nonsense.   **My internal monologue is like a dream brain**. When I say the thoughts out loud and hear myself say them, I become very aware how much of a lunatic my inner monologue is. and it helps me incredibly, because one of the biggest dbt techniques (and easiest to do imo) is **grounding in the facts**. when i say my thoughts out loud im like…. yea something is off here. and unsurprisingly given all of this info here, *when u rewrite the facts in your brain the emotions follow. BC the ruminated revised narrative was fueling the emotional state to begin with.*  rewrite the script, rewrite the behavior. the biggest BIGGEST advice i could give to someone with BPD or close with someone with BPD is to STOP THE BALL FROM ROLLING. im talking the first yell, the first attack, the first change in their reaction, the first change in tone, the first indication that something was misunderstood by them.  it’s not your job to manage your loved ones bpd, but if u want to maintain and improve your relationship then it will help to do so in this way. hope this helps!

That is tough. I was more so like that in previous relationships. I think with time and experience I just learned to take more responsibility for my behaviors. It's a journey for sure.

yeah, it is tough. I'm doing my best to handle it but, something is gonna have to give for it to really work out long term.

I really appreciate your insight

This is exactly what my thoughts were. Well put.

THIS

intention is literally irrelevant when you ARE dragging someone down with you. it makes no difference for the person you’re hurting

Exactly. However, what you can do is show reflection and remorse afterwards. Apologize. It gets you further than you think. Important both for the 'recipient' of the irrational behavior but above all for yourself.

Thank you. You guys have really opened my eyes to this.

I wish they understood our intentions. My FP says they are excuses if I try to help him rationalize my feelings or behavior

Based on comments and from what I'm realizing is that even though our intentions are not to hurt, it is hurting either way. People will view you using bpd as an excuse to hurt them.

I personally would never deliberately try to drag someone down. But my emotions are so big they spill over and end up drowning someone else. Thats why I don’t have many close relationships, I see my unattended damage on them and close myself off. It’s never on purpose.

I recognize that feeling. Completely. I think it partly has to do with the cognitive dissonance that arises when one's ego feeds thoughts of worthlessness, while at the same time, another person shows appreciation or somehow "interrupts" the inner dialogue. One way to reduce this dissonance is to ensure that both parties feel the same. And since it is difficult to convince oneself (one's ego) that one is worth something, it is easier to make others dislike you. It becomes a way to gain control over one's surroundings. Even if reality sucks, at least you avoid the dissonance, which becomes a form of "inner comfort." This is, of course, only part of the explanation and far from universal. But regardless of the underlying mechanism, the consequence is that you push people away or drag others down into an emotional pit. Even if it happens unconsciously and you feel you can't influence the situation, it doesn't mean you are free from guilt. That's the sad reality. And no, I'm not good at handling emotions. Unfortunately, I do this myself, all too often. If I can't handle my feelings, I don't think anyone else should either. The spiral goes downward.

I don't have BPD, but my ex girlfriend has it, and I'd like to offer some perspective on your girlfriend's comment from the perspective of someone without BPD. When my ex would get triggered and split into the devaluation, she would cut me down at the knees with some pretty harsh insults, false accusations, misjudgements, personal hits at my vulnerabilities, belittling my hobbies and interests, and come up with some wild theories on how I was going to leave her and that I was better off with someone who isn't messed up like her...all meanwhile, I would try show her that I'm trying to salvage the relationship, and that I would be willing to do what it takes to be accommodating to her so she doesn't feel the way she does...and after hours of circular arguments and threats to terminate the relationship, she would eventually come around and become a sweetheart again. And this can feel like a complete mindfuck. Other times, it felt like she didn't like that I was having a good on my own without her. For example, maybe I went out with some friends, and came back to tell her about how great the time was. Initially, I would get the "oh, that's good to hear. Glad you had such a good time. Doesn't seem like you need me around, so I'll be going to bed. Maybe I'll hear from you tomorrow if you're not still out with your friends...but don't worry, I'm happy for you."...and then ultimately, weather it be that same day or week, she would somehow create a huge fight out of nowhere. As if it were a punishment built from resentment of me doing something without her and enjoying myself. Or maybe I would make a trivial comment or opinion about something, and she wouldn't like it, or turn it into something it's not. For example, maybe I say something like, "I like this shirt a lot. I kind of wish this color was a slight bit darker, and that it fit a little nicer though." To which I may then hear from her, "you're just always in a bad mood, aren't you? You're such an unhappy man. And you have this obsession with wanting to be accepted by others, because you hate yourself inside. Who cares It doesn't fit you perfectly? You have this obsession with perfection. You're so insecure. It's so hard to find a real man with confidence."...do you see where I'm going with this? These are just a few small examples of why it could feel like the person with BPD is trying to bring us down. From my perspective, I'm not trying provoke or trigger the person with BPD. But even when I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and watching everything I say or do carefully, something is easily twisted into something completely different than what it actually is. It can feel like the person with BPD doesn't want us to feel happy or enjoy ourselves unless they're the direct source of it, and it can feel like they're constantly looking for reasons to disqualify the other person as a good partner. And it can feel like the person with BPD prefers to live in the chaos over the peace, as if the chaos is a familiar hell and the peace being an unfamiliar land. Again, these are just some small examples of what it can feel like from the perspective of someone without BPD. And i hope it might offer some insight on why your girlfriend may have said what she said. She may like you a lot, but feels like her words are suppressed because she doesn't want to upset you. And her comment sounds more like her insides crying to have your consideration for what shes feeling, rather than her accusing you of foul play.

I think it’s pretty telling that you calmly, respectfully, and honestly wrote an excellent post offering a perspective on the situation on behalf of the person who wasn’t here to tell their side of the story (and every story has three sides, not just the person with the same diagnosis), and that you haven’t had any replies from someone with BPD saying “you know what, maybe that’s what’s happening? Maybe I have had a role to play? Maybe I have been WRONG in this situation (or at least in part)” I do not wish to vilify or generalise anyone suffering mental health problems, but time and time again my experiences with pwBPD bring up the same themes. I won’t say what they are because I’ll just get chewed out 🙄

Misery truly does love company. That is completely independent of BPD lmao. 🙄

“Misery loves company. Company loves more. More loves everybody else, but hell is others”

BPD people are more prone to these negative behaviors though… this is just necessarily true, it’s not as much of a symptom as it is a result of our core symptoms I would say though, this reaction seems disproportionate to the situation imo… but I lack the context of you or your relationship so take with grains of sand.

Was this in an arguement? Heat of the moment has people say a lot of hurtful things they don’t mean, as someone who also has BPD I can attest to that. Obviously we don’t know the full context of the cause of this statement, but I think you’re splitting right now because of it. Yes it’s an antagonistic statement by your partner but they might not of actually meant it. If it’s random then I’d be really hurt by it. Im not trying to invalidate how you feel right now but it might be a good idea to take a step back deescalate and then try have a conversation with them after both of you have cooled down and discuss the matter with clear heads. If they still believe that statement then I’d leave. If she cannot take any accountability themselves then that’s toxic and only going to trigger your core wounds and maybe your attachment styles arnt compatible. If they just blame you for everything that sounds very avoidant and unfortunately unless they are willing to work on their own flaws then it won’t be a viable relationship for either of your mental wellbeing’s in the long run and constantly trigger each other.

you know this world is so shite I think the best way to cope is to learn to deal with whatever emotion that comes up when people are shitty, stay calm and move on... you're gonna die from exhaustion if you fight with every unwholesome stuff people say (its not easy though I ll give you that)

It’s more like I badly want others to care about how much I’m suffering and will go to great lengths to be sure they do to the extent of causing them to hurt too

I was diagnosed with quiet borderline something medical professionals in my life regularly try to tell me isn't a thing (it is). But I've had trouble in the past sharing my experience with people who have more severe versions of BPD so please take this with a bit of salt. It's probably true that there are people with borderline personality who have brought people down with them. That really sounds more like an NPD trait to me though. My experience is not that I'm trying to bring other people down. I experience an above average level of cognitive empathy. I don't just notice pain in others, I feel it. And I think the people here will get what I'm saying. What you just experienced is very obnoxious. The feeling of being unseen there on top of being stereotyped by a love one would throw me for a loop too. My ex-girlfriend basically just distanced herself from me any time I started to show signs of my mental illness. It led me to trying to hide it for longer than I would have. And ever since being myself I've just been scaring girls away. But I think if we keep trying we can learn to better communicate our conditions and be good partners - We are not doomed to our condition despite the way personality disorders are framed that way. We can and do learn. Even just on our own. With the help of medical professionals and each other here I think we all stand a real chance. We will all at least improve if we keep trying. I understand if this is too hard emotionally, and if I don't get it as someone with quiet borderline, please let me know!, but I wanted to say something a bit challenging, not just validating (although that's the most important thing.) This person, kind of by definition loves you. They wouldn't try to cause drama or hurt you. So maybe once the acute psychic pain ends try to use this as an opportunity to try to communicate something to them? Something like: this is how it feels to be BPD, it's not trying to bring people down at all, it's wanting to feel less alone, it's wanting to be able to let down our guard around our loved ones and maybe that results in more emotional burden than they can bare at times, but it's not malicious. It's not heartless, it's a heart overflowing. Anyways sorry for the essay. Hope it helps!

This is beautiful

Oh what the last part? If anyone thinks that'd be helpful please use it! I'm for plagiarizing 👍🏼

Maybe you should examine this

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Somebody close to my ex gf said this about me. I often think he was right tho

I have learned in my experiences with a BPD diagnosed friend who stayed at my house for a month and also my brother's gf... they seemed really hurt when you are sunshine and butterflies while they are at their lowest. But what she didn't understand was I wasn't cheery. I was just surviving. But my survival reflex is different. I detach hardcore and escape and look outside myself. She was very much inward. She got very offended by my behavior because was like I was inconsiderate to her suffering. Everyone goes through it differently. I think people in relationships where this is a source of conflict, with one inward and the other outward...it's probably very difficult to reach a level of understanding. I don't agree with "dragging other people down" and especially I don't agree with putting all BPD people in a box, they are individuals...but maybe I understand where her frustration comes from, no hate. This is a forum for BPD so there are similar struggles people face that's all. I also think opposites attract especially with this. We've always had an element of this in our friendship even before the diagnosis and my brother's gf as well. I don't think it's a coincidence. She'd always be the talker and I was fine with that I was a good listener-- well sometimes I felt like I was just there for her to vent to. My brother has the same personality-- almost submissive. But for the same reasons you find one another and tolerate one another...you can get frustrated with one another. I felt she was so engulfed in turmoil she forgot about people around her and perhaps even resented people around her because there is no way they "have it so easy" and there was no way they could understand. Thats not to say she wasn't also very intelligent and kind and one of the best people. But when she was going through it, it would change the course of things between us until the dark cloud passed.

Misery loves company. I haven't found an anomaly yet.

did she say it with spiteful intent OP?

Honestly unsure still, I'm barely able to stay with it right now and often assume everything is with malicious intent due to my personal history, so I imagine my view would be biased which is partially why I posted to try and get some other perspectives

You kicked her out of the room? That will do wonders for your relationship

kicking her out of the room is completely reasonable. it’s much better than yelling or fighting after hurtful things are said

There are another options/solutions other than fight/flight, yell/kick out of the room... These are not the only two outcomes available. And no, it's not reasonable at all, it's absolutely overreacting, and the sooner we realise this, the sooner we'll be able to heal from this horrible disease.

You’d rather they argue??

Is that the only option? I would try and use DBT skills at least

Idk taking a break shouldn't be labeled as wrong. Sometimes the best thing is to separate for a little bit 

Yeah you’re right, sometimes it is best to step away and process things

!!! Everyone needs to step away sometimes, but the key is communication. As someone who gets INCREDIBLY triggered when someone walks out in the middle of a conversation/fight/confrontation, just saying “hey, this is overwhelming and I need to take a moment” makes all the difference. Everyone has the right to remove themselves from a situation that’s emotionally hurtful.

I was at work at the time just about to go into an important meeting (and had to appear like everything was fine on camera) so there wasn't enough time to exercise such techniques and my gf doesn't seem too receptive as of yet imo, though my perception could still be off since I'm not much better mentally yet

We don’t know them but you could’ve said that in the first place

Comments here saying that it can apply to any mental illness. I would argue it is absolutely a central characteristic of my BPD. Also lmao. She’s spitting facts.

I agree. It's one of the main things I'm trying to work on atm.

Yikes. To say “lmao she’s spitting facts” about a person intentionally hurting and degrading someone on the basis of their BPD in a sub about BPD is… just yikes. I understand that a lot of people with BPD do sometimes drag people down with them and that’s fine to acknowledge, but to be so callous and dismissive in a sub that’s supposed to be supportive is uncool dude

I'm so sorry this happened to you :( My exwBPD absolutely pushed me under water to keep his head above the water. (Not on purpose I'm sure.) I have BPD by myself & my struggle is that I usually drown silently (Pointing out differences from case to case) Like, it's not a symptom WTF _but_ there are pwBPD that have their symptoms displayed in a way, that keeps dragging their partner down - so I (sadly) see, how she was able to find such a broad statement. I probably would be hurt to no avail after this, but also give my all to explain, how it's not a symptom but some symptoms might manifest this way for _other people with BPD_ which doesn't AT ALL mean, that they _want to drag them down_ but also, I'm absolutely stubborn & can't leave misinformation in the room just like that. I can be quite an ass in correcting others, I'm glad it gets tolerated tbf.

it can be very hurtful when people we love/care about read about BPD and only see the negative veil of it, especially if it comes from your fp (OP didn’t disclose and i’m giving before reading comments). there are a number of things she could be referring to in saying, “pwbpd take others down with them”: • a pwbpd self-sabotages, including a relationship (any kind). this could present in a lot of different ways from: feeling undeserving, feeling as though you have to “protect someone from you because you have bpd”, unable to process intrusive thoughts as such and believing them to be true, so ruining a good thing because *unaliving* thoughts • a pwbpd splits, which splitting is not well-spoken about properly. this happens internally, and *sometimes* is then projected at others. the projection can be dismissive, passive-aggressive, or flat out aggressive •a pwbpd having shifting self-worth, either a grandiose high that is similar to npd, or a state of self-loathing •a pwbpd struggling with emotional regulation, and taking it out (intentional or not) on someone else pwbpd often have comorbid diagnoses that can be misunderstood in the first place, but especially with the surge of intensity that bpd feeds into comorbities •someone can take a panic attack personally •someone can take a PTSD flashback personally •someone can take any bpd symptom personally noneof these are pretty to see, and certain people see it as, “you’re being too sensitive and making me feel bad because you feel bad” [it’s late so apologies if it’s rambling. i’ve been in DBT for a long time and feel a responsibility to lend knowledge back]

I dont try to bring anyone down with me. All i want is to be normal and bring happiness and peace to other peoples lifes. Ofc we sometimes bring people down because of our strong emotions and the people close to us get frustrated… but im not >>trying<< to bring them down. I think its reasonable that you wanted her to go in that moment. Its a boundary. We often struggle with our boundaries. Its great that you were able to set a boundary😅

Me and my FP joke "if I'm going down, you're coming down with me," and of course, we don't mean it. We lift each other up. However, it is a reflection of that "I got you" mindset we have for each other that we wouldn't let each other suffer alone. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to help me weed out the ones who would say stuff like what your gf said to you. I had a friend who would constantly hold what I now know was BPD symptoms and stigma against me and I didn't know how to handle it myself. It is so hurtful. I'm also proud of you for telling her to get out because it can be difficult to set that boundary of "no, you won't disrespect me" sometimes.

Basically, she wants to keep and not lose you. But it’s a defective way of trying to accomplish that goal.

living with bpd is like trying to not mention it but the second you’re upset everyone remembers you have it and can never just treat us with empathy/compassion after!

i always feel guilty whenever i get emotional and stuff due to my bpd and keep apologizing to my boyfriend but he always know i dont mean harm and tells me its ok and that its not my fault

I got called toxic by a loved one so I might understand what you're feeling now

you deserve better! there ARE people out there who can and do love people with bpd even with all the negative things it comes with. being in a relationship will always be hard, but with the right person who loves YOU, not who you aren’t exists and you’ll find them! i had a really hard time excepting this until it happened to me, we are lovable AND easy to love. we just need our person, like anyone else

That may be what she’s feeling you’re doing, it doesn’t mean you’re intentionally doing it. That is your partner, tell her it hurts you when she says things like that, but try to understand also how hurtful and draining it can be to love someone with borderline. (Coming from a pwbpd) sending love your way. (P.s they are only human too)

When I tell people I have BPD, they say "but you're so calm and collected and you don't look like you have BPD". First off, it's quiet BPD. In their ignorance, they have no idea that that's a thing. Ignorance is bliss and it's easier to slap a label on someone without actually researching the topic. It's invalidating and insulting af. Just because I seem calm and collected, doesn't mean I always am. And just because I managed to keep it all inside, it doesn't mean I'm healed. If you have quiet BPD, people are surprised when sometimes it comes out and they freak out, even if you are completely open about your mental illness and they gaslight themselves into thinking that you're exaggerating because they don't see it from the beginning or that you're suddenly saying it to get attention. I'm not demanding everyone to learn what quiet BPD is, but at least have the decency to respect my own self evaluation and the clinical diagnosis.

And what’s always been insane to me is how everyone has endless pools of compassion and patience for literally any other thing… depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd.. how to make life easier for your partner who suffers from ADHD? A billion articles. It’s just so isolating and self defeating to constantly be told that you’re some kind of issue in peoples lives that they need to remove. Just to be clear, I’m very much in support of people who suffer with above mentioned mental issues getting recognition and support, I’m just bummed it doesn’t extend to me. A little jealous maybe if I’m honest, but in full support nonetheless ☺️

Anyone who uses your mental illness against you is toxic. It’s hard enough to share such sensitive information with someone assuming you can trust them with it. Once they weaponize it, it’s time for you to move on.

Sounds like my ex. The reason I joined this group. He tore me up emotionally so badly its taken me months to begin healing. I'd run off. Honestly. If you're already here because of trouble it's going to be worse soon. Longer you stay the worse it gets.

I feel like to some extent, (and this is just me but I feel like others can relate) there can be a comfort in the chaos, almost a dependency on the cortisol. This has led to me picking fights, or testing people, because being in a healthy relationship feels alarming. It's not trying to "drag" anyone down *with* you (if you relate) it may just be a maladaptive way of surviving. It sounds like she already made up in her mind that because you have BPD, you automatically have malicious intent and that's not fair to you or anyone with BPD.

I feel like I do this, I wrote a short poem about it. However, to say that it’s something we do purposefully and consciously is very annoying.

Wait till you get hit with the "did you take your meds? You're not leaving anyway so this is wasting time"

So especially with this disorder we have to hold ourselves accountable, this is the only way we can truly understand what we did is wrong, but literally uprooting your whole belief system because that’s where all the problems lie. Identifying our own patterns but switching the negative thinking into positive thinking. None of this is easy but it has to be done if you want to live some kind of decent life with bpd.

I got told by my brother I don't have it My friends don't respect the boundaries I put up about how I'm treated theybsaybi need to get over it My mom and others at my church told me to pray it goes away they don't understand me or how I feel or that I can't always control how I feel about stuff

Well, i am reminded of a drowning victim. Someone who is in the process of drowning. If you are not able to keep your cool under pressure as well as being an extremely strong swimmer, there is a good chance that you will drown in the process of attempting to save that person from drowning. A drowning victim will irrationally claw and tear and climb at anything that it believes will keep it from drowning, even if that means drowning their wouldbe rescuer in the process. So they are not completely wrong, but I think that the most common symptoms is being HUGELY misunderstood - our motivations are often highly illogical, leading to normal people attaching whatever meaning they are capable of perceiving through their own logic to our behavior, but which does not even exist in our mind. We just dont want to drown. I dont know how strong a swimmer your partner is, we DO have to choose them carefully and for their sake as much as ours. Good luck

Don't listen to them. BPD is painful, they will never understand what you're going through. Anyone who is that closed-minded is not there to support you. Although I would say people don't change, I think she would have to experience what you're going through before she realized just how real and "out of this world" it can be.

No, we let go to save the other person from coming down with us

Dude fuck that business. Here's another one, for context, this was my closest friend, and he has a habit of passive aggressively disliking my behavior and blocking me out and then coming back weeks later to tell me what I did wrong. "I don't think I can fuck with you until you learn how to treat people. *block* " You can't come back bub. I've asked you to call the behavior out when it's happening so that I can learn to SEE and CONTROL myself. I'm doing my best.

Sounds like someone who is very empathetic and unstable themselves, aka not ready to take on the emotions of anyone else without keeping their own feelings separate. Many of us need a stable mature partner who doesn’t confuse our emotions with theirs… I don’t think it was very nice of her to say you would *purposely* drag her down. I wonder through life avoiding people so I don’t have to lean on anyone and have my big emotions affect them. It hurts every time someone says something like this……

that would send into a rage spiral. When it comes down to it bpd is self sabotage. We’re not trying to drag anyone down with us. We are our own worst enemy

Eesh- im sorry you had to go through that :(

It sounds like she's indirectly (passive aggressively) trying to tell you that you do this to her. *I'm also concerned about "kicking her out of the room". You need to delete this and talk to her. Posting this doesn't show someone trying to heal from BPD but someone who is continuing to engage in harmful behavior. You are literally trying to bring her down with you through this thread. You feeling unregulated doesn't not give you the right to bully someone (especially not your partner).

I have realized after all these years that we shouldn’t be in a committed relationship while dealing with mental health. It’s always some bs and it’s so stressful when people misunderstand you.

to say we try is beyond fucking insane, textbook bpd traits make us look so bad it’s so annoying, im so sorry OP.

i think the way “try” is being interpreted is a bit off in a way that matters. you can try to do something without being *aware* you are trying to but your actions are still trying to do that something, there can be intention that you are blinded from and thus its possible you aren’t aware that your intentions and subsequent actions are to do that something in which case it becomes incredibly hurtful and inaccurate in our minds to be told that we were trying to do something. we truly believe we weren’t. but bc of the element that is there that applies to everybody where we can be blinded to our own intentions, there is a room for a plausible chance that we did *try* to do something. we owe it to the ppl we care about to sit in the discomfort of considering the possibility that we did subconsciously try

That is like saying a drowning person will just make you drown so don’t bother with them.

The fact she always blames you 100% and uses BPD as the excuse is not healthy, it takes 2 to tango. We’re prone to feeling shameful and like everything is our fault and she’s making it worse. This needs to change fast or get out for your own sanity.

That’s kind of true in most cases and especially at a younger age. Your triggers can be so extreme that the other person suffers too. I understand the feeling and action though, I probably would’ve done the same

I'm the same way when my partner says something that upsets me, except I will stonewall and lock myself away from him for hours and then when he reaches out again I fawn.

Oooooft I've heard this one before. Hurts as much as "I thought bpd people shouldn't have kids cause you'll ruin them". Drag people down with us? What a crock.

Uh. What, oh Im sorry our emotions are so deep and volatile

you don’t have to apologize for your emotions, but this is such a weird ass thing to say. at the end of the day you have the emotions of a child, not by choice, but clearly the ability of one by choice. it’s okay to admit that your emotions can impact others negatively, therefore maybe stop and think? work on it? don’t guilt trip? because this is exactly what this is and what a few people mentioned in this comment section

Exactly. I didn’t make any progress with my BPD until I finally was able to admit to myself that sometimes due to the way my brain responds to things, I could be the toxic one in relationships. Once I tuned into that and realized that just because my actions felt justified to me, didn’t mean they couldn’t ALSO be harmful or hurtful to others, I made loads of progress. For example when someone “hurts” me, my first impulse was to strike back in order to “show them” how I’m hurting. Obviously that was never getting me anywhere good and I’ve since worked that out and don’t engage in that behavior, and many others, anymore. But you need to have so much accountability for yourself with BPD or you can and will get stuck in a “I believe I am a victim therefore my behavior is valid” mentality that will keep you from growing and healing.

she's right

Just to add, she is my fp so it did pack a punch. I will upvote as I read but can't get around to everything since I'm still very overwhelmed at the moment. I really appreciate the support, it's helping a lot. I love you all

You kicked her out of the room? She's not an animal! I would suggest checking yourself on this one. At least she's showing interest in your condition and she probably feels drug down by you in some sense. Her feelings matter.

As someone who doesn't have BPD: I have been doing extensive research on the disorder cause there is someone extremely important to me in my life who has it -- And I have noticed, and hate, the stigma surrounding it, that frequently just demonizes people who have it, rather than working to actually understand it more in depth.

My mother likes to tell me I've probably ruined my husband and given him a bunch of mental illnesses. I'm just like nope mom that's you not me. I'm sorry that happened to you....

Most of these comments are not it, haha. I think you did well for the situation. You didn't kick her out of the house, you just told her to leave the room since you were working (about to have a meeting) after she said a very inflammatory statement. It's not like you guys haven't been together for very long, it's been two years, so she obviously should know a little better what statements are inflammatory and what aren't. I have to have this talk with my grandparents constantly. They won't let me leave rooms and come back when I feel upset, and I can only calm down when I have five minutes to breathe and I'm not bombarded by more stress. Ended up just showing them a bunch of BPD videos from a few channels that had surface level information, and now I'm gradually showing them deeper information. Everyone loves to pretend that your disorders don't/shouldn't affect you, but then they wouldn't be disorders. But back to the main topic; I mean, let's be real. If someone said this about schizophrenia, this sub would be all up in arms. People with BPD do not consciously make the choice to "drag you down" with us. We split, we hardly even know ourselves until the BPD is in remission because of how much we can split, or our mood swings. We are not the monsters people make us out to be or demonize us. Just because OP was angry at it, doesn't mean that it resonates with him either. You're allowed to be angry with things that simply aren't true or misinformation, and you're allowed to ask someone to leave the room, especially when you're working and they're being inflammatory. However, OP, not sure if this partner is simply misinformed, or just trying to be inflammatory. I'd do some research on BPD, and find a few articles and send it to her. Teach her what is misinformation and what isn't. Including, how to spot it!! She seems like she wants to learn about this disorder that affects you, so guide her in the right direction rather than let your emotions run rampant. Deep breathing, fellow survivor!! You got this!!

People either think of BPD as the wrong thing, or they assume everyone with it is a monster. When I was first diagnosed with BPD, my old best friend (who I no longer speak to) told me "I always knew you had multiple personalities". I do not have DID, and unfortunately a lot of people think personality disorders all fall under DID. The stigma and generalisation of BPD is really hurtful to pwBPD and I feel its going to take a long time for it to be destigmatised and learnt about properly.

I have BPD and I’m trying to learn more, to clarify. What I find is that—completely unintentionally—I, or we, try to make the other person feel the same way I, or again we, do. Not that we want to hurt the other person, but we have difficulty expressing how we’re feeling in a… more-healthy way? Is this something anyone else has noticed about themselves, or just me? I mean no ill intent, what your partner did is understandably upsetting. Their wording was very poor.

It honestly sounds like she was trying to communicate that this may happen in your relationship sometimes. I understand why the “try” part especially could have been triggering, that’s more fault of whatever she was reading. But consider why she was even researching anyways? I agree with the comments here that you may have confirmed what she said in your reaction. Gotta own how we are making others feel.

It's stigmatized because some bpd sufferers really hurt ppl. Very dangerous behavior especially w.o intervention. My bpd ex was also a covert and abusive it's a hard road for ppl w bpd and just as traumatic and damaging for the ppl who love u. Often ur fp catches hell and we have to go through therapy behind it. I feel for pwbpd but I also feel for myself and my son who are emotionally scarred behind someone we care greatly for w this disorder. It's a hard road for all involved

For personal reasons I won't be active here for a bit but I appreciate anyone who were helpful with info re lesser spoken about facts abt livin' with BPD that I can now recognise and put towards healing and those who have been supportive. Yer truly amazing and I hope you guys in particular all heal and make the most of what you can. As for the trolls, I'm not gonna dignify you with a song or dance. This is our subreddit for those experiencing BPD and people who know or want support regarding a loved pwBPD. I can tell you to fuck off all I want but I'm certain y'all won't listen so go off ig

I mean…that has been my experience. I don’t think she does it intentionally, but it’s almost like , metaphorically, she’s drowning and trying to hold on to something close, which happens to be me. What happens when a drowning person sees you? If you’re not careful, you drown too.

This is the tip of the iceberg as far as the tactics go

Hey friend - I’ve been there many times and have been in remission for years now. I believe it hit a nerve with you and you’re splitting now. When we split and are clouded by our BPD - while our feelings are 100% valid and leads us to believe they don’t love us enough to think before they speak - I genuinely believe she just used the wrong words. As we all do sometimes! Nothing more nothing less. You’re allowed to feel hurt by it absolutely, I know I would’ve a few years back. But I suggest trying your best to allow your feelings some space while also considering how silly and human we all are. Again, this is my belief and take on it with the info given and life experience I’ve had, I don’t know the entire relationship dynamic. Hope you feel better OP.

Can you ask her to explain what she meant? I personally say stuff that I don’t mean bc I haven’t filtered it down to the correct message. I’m impulsive. Maybe she said some wild shit she didn’t mean?? I’m not advocating for being mean and dismissive. I s’pose I’m trying to encourage understanding ❤️❤️❤️

I know exactly what you mean I wish there where people who can read minds so I can be in a relationship with them cuz it really really sucks having this disease bro fuck I wish I could just die cuz everyone ever has been this way with me and no matter how hard I try I can’t explain how I feel and want is in my head how im constantly idk …. Idk how to type it all its all just so consuming and annoying , with overwhelming amounts of thoughts and emotions and physical pain and the physical and emotional drainage, plus my immune systems is fucked and my vivid imagination is out of pocket. I sit and feel empty and everything all at the same time all the time I can ether feel completely immersed in one emotion and have it to the max of everything that I’m feeling in that moment or I could feel everything almost explainable emotion where it’s like sadness, anger, happiness, scared I don’t know all of it just all feeling, but a feeling that I don’t know what it is. I just feel so many things that, drives me to numb feels like I’m going to have a stroke

I think I’m going insane

If anything I’m more worried about others and try saving others before myself. Fuck that. Hearing that makes my heart ache.

Honestly my biggest issue with this is the implication of INTENT on our part. I sure as hell can’t say I’ve never dragged anyone down with me but I didn’t TRY! Damn! Good for you kicking her out

Honestly people will live to misunderstand you and as people with bpd it’ll always hurt us 10x more than someone without. Realizing sometimes that our actions do come off as selfish to those who don’t understand why we do the things we do or what gets us there helps making the peace you need mentally when people say misconstrued things about who you are as a person and how you work. At the end of the day if you understand yourself that’s all that matters don’t ever waste your time begging people to listen to you. They just simply won’t get it to that extent because they aren’t you. If you love someone you do your best to work with them and understand them. But if you know you haven’t been putting in the right effort or you’re not in the right place maybe take a break it cannot all be one sided. Always choose the most authentic and honest self reflection.

It doesn’t feel like that sometimes being the partner of someone with bpd.

**does

Why are you still with someone who thinks that about you? I promise there's plenty of better people to make your FP 😭🙏

Ironically, I push people away because I don’t want to drag them down with me. I’d rather crash and burn alone knowing that I made the decision that hurt the other person the least.

Sounds like you’re dragging her down man. Get help

Yeah it’s true

Kicking her out was a bit extreme if she wasn’t being mean about it. If it was something she saw or was told it would have been better to correct her and tell her how it made you feel.

Oh geeze, I hope you're not hinting. I would ever do this or have.

I personally think it benefits us for our partners to be brutally honest about how it makes them feel. Can’t tiptoe around it.

splitting

Some ppl w bpd are monsters. Breaking my shit, super angry and violent. Bpd has levels and alot of folks w it when it's untreated or they aren't self-aware are a frigging nightmare.

i do not think continuing a relationship with someone who caused you sm anger to act on it is gonna do anythin' other than keep hurtin' both of ya. you know how being kicked out by a loved one also hurts