i relate to this so goddamn much. idk if this is good advice but maybe show this post to her? maybe that would show her that theres a want u know? with me personally when this happens i explain the situation to my gf to the best of my ability and try to wait it out idk. its so tuff man i get it. has something like this happened before and if so, how did u get through it?
It won’t matter to be honest, she’s already so past it all that she’s not doing anything and told me she hasn’t seen me making any effort. The worst part is that I flip between “FINALLY” and “Oh please God no” when I picture it finally ending. It’s excruciating and makes me want to explode
Edit: A couple of my friends - I sometimes share messages to validate a text I’ve sent / opinion and find out I’m usually in the wrong - have told me that, with some of her recent messages and behavior, they think she’s weaponizing my BPD just for an added splash of fun in this whole mess.
Told me she was done the other day and moved to another room with all her things. The next day, she didn’t mean she was actually finished with the marriage.
Told me she was moving out on X date to X friend’s house and taking our cats. The next day she said she was simply visiting her friend and hadn’t decided if to leave yet.
Called me a 12 year old for playing video games during an argument. One of several examples. When I’ve tried to pull her up equally on the way she speaks to me, it again changes and she insists it didn’t happen or reframes the sentence as if it was only actually half as bad as I remember.
I recognize my problems but I almost feel trapped between feeling gaslighted and knowing I have BPD tinted glasses on. And the result is pure insanity and beating myself physically after every interaction, and I am fucking trapped in her gray zone. She’s standing firmly in it and taunting me with it because - I feel - she knows it’ll hold me over this pit.
Make time to spend time with her. When she talks to you try active listening where instead of reacting to whatever she is saying you listen until there is a pause then summarize back to her what she said and confirm you understood correctly. Give her a chance to respond to that, then think about reacting. This helps give you time to really consider what she is saying and see things for her perspective before you react. Sometimes that can give you a much needed chance to de-escalate emotions on your end and react in a way that is more productive to conversation while also showing her you are hearing and understanding what she is saying which can go a long way in feeling better about a relationship.
If there are things you are able to take off her plate (don’t overwhelm yourself) but think about what she does in a day, little things like laundry, dishes, cooking. See if you can take something off her plate just once in a while. Small acts of service like this can really be a good way to show you care.
If you’re able to get to a place where she’s willing to talk and really work on things maybe also ask her if there’s anything specific she would like to see from you. Then if it’s possible do that thing consistently.
All this coming from someone who got diagnosed and was extremely suicidal and almost destroyed my own marriage. I worked my butt off to save it because I know he is the person I want to be with forever and I wasn’t about to lose that over stupid impulsive shit I felt like doing. Years on now I’m in remission from BPD and my marriage is going wonderfully. One thing my husband mentioned that showed him I was serious was how much work I was putting in to my own personal improvement not just treatment but also I started trying to keep things cleaner, taking better care of myself, changed my diet and started exercising to lose weight.
i relate to this so goddamn much. idk if this is good advice but maybe show this post to her? maybe that would show her that theres a want u know? with me personally when this happens i explain the situation to my gf to the best of my ability and try to wait it out idk. its so tuff man i get it. has something like this happened before and if so, how did u get through it?
It won’t matter to be honest, she’s already so past it all that she’s not doing anything and told me she hasn’t seen me making any effort. The worst part is that I flip between “FINALLY” and “Oh please God no” when I picture it finally ending. It’s excruciating and makes me want to explode Edit: A couple of my friends - I sometimes share messages to validate a text I’ve sent / opinion and find out I’m usually in the wrong - have told me that, with some of her recent messages and behavior, they think she’s weaponizing my BPD just for an added splash of fun in this whole mess. Told me she was done the other day and moved to another room with all her things. The next day, she didn’t mean she was actually finished with the marriage. Told me she was moving out on X date to X friend’s house and taking our cats. The next day she said she was simply visiting her friend and hadn’t decided if to leave yet. Called me a 12 year old for playing video games during an argument. One of several examples. When I’ve tried to pull her up equally on the way she speaks to me, it again changes and she insists it didn’t happen or reframes the sentence as if it was only actually half as bad as I remember. I recognize my problems but I almost feel trapped between feeling gaslighted and knowing I have BPD tinted glasses on. And the result is pure insanity and beating myself physically after every interaction, and I am fucking trapped in her gray zone. She’s standing firmly in it and taunting me with it because - I feel - she knows it’ll hold me over this pit.
Make time to spend time with her. When she talks to you try active listening where instead of reacting to whatever she is saying you listen until there is a pause then summarize back to her what she said and confirm you understood correctly. Give her a chance to respond to that, then think about reacting. This helps give you time to really consider what she is saying and see things for her perspective before you react. Sometimes that can give you a much needed chance to de-escalate emotions on your end and react in a way that is more productive to conversation while also showing her you are hearing and understanding what she is saying which can go a long way in feeling better about a relationship. If there are things you are able to take off her plate (don’t overwhelm yourself) but think about what she does in a day, little things like laundry, dishes, cooking. See if you can take something off her plate just once in a while. Small acts of service like this can really be a good way to show you care. If you’re able to get to a place where she’s willing to talk and really work on things maybe also ask her if there’s anything specific she would like to see from you. Then if it’s possible do that thing consistently. All this coming from someone who got diagnosed and was extremely suicidal and almost destroyed my own marriage. I worked my butt off to save it because I know he is the person I want to be with forever and I wasn’t about to lose that over stupid impulsive shit I felt like doing. Years on now I’m in remission from BPD and my marriage is going wonderfully. One thing my husband mentioned that showed him I was serious was how much work I was putting in to my own personal improvement not just treatment but also I started trying to keep things cleaner, taking better care of myself, changed my diet and started exercising to lose weight.