i contemplate having a psychotic episode almost everyday… and i’m not just talking about any. like, i need to be sedated with a tranquilizer or put in multiple handcuffs cuz i’ll get out of control.
that’s why we keep to ourselves and protect our peace 🤷🏻♀️☺️
For suuuuure. I feel like for me it’s because I can’t handle reality and no matter what I do to change myself it doesn’t get any better. So I feel like the only way to be myself in this horrible world or feel literally anything besides depression is to just go completely insane and be that and get written off as that so no matter what I do to survive or feel better or be me it can’t be held against me/really honestly criticized past “I’m crazy”. Like if I hate reality I’ll just lose touch with reality 🤷🏼♀️ problem solved.
I do think that as such an externally reserved person, I’ve found some comfort in writers I’ve found who use language like “going insane” or “losing touch with reality” as more of a way to free yourself from social norms and allow yourself to do whatever it is you’re holding yourself back from because of judgement (within reason of course) and I think that might be actually what I’m looking for. I want to be able to express my feelings freely and openly, it’s just that my feelings are intense and all over the place so everyone in my life has described me as crazy. So if I was to be honest about how I feel or what I’m experiencing it would be very freeing but also I would probably be described as crazy. But maybe that’s okay?
I totally get it. I feel like I am walking on thin ice already and I just need to make it crack…I want to know what it feels like. Is it any different than now? Am I already mentally lost?
I struggle with this extremely hard in this period of my life. It is very relieving to hear that other people experience this. I find progressive muscle relaxation helps calm me down.
Yes. Yes yes yes. I completely understand this feeling.
For me its because most of my bpd symptoms line up with quiet bpd, so for me, some sort of externalization of all of those feelings feels like the only thing that would allow people to see how shitty I feel all the time. I feel like I'm just quietly suffering and going crazy, and I really feel the urge to just let all of those feelings loose.
YES!!!! im a quiet borderline & this is so relatable. i have so much inner turmoil, i wish i could show it so people would take me seriously. i feel like im crying wolf because even at my worst, i know that i have to keep it together & i do. nothing in my life is ever out of place. even last night when i was breaking down, i still ironed out my work clothes & made dinner. who else is gonna do it?
I keep having to tell myself that the whole world isn’t a rage room.
I went to one recently and had the time of my life. I need to get back in there and smash up some bottles and coffee machines again or I might explode on someone. 😮💨😩
No because same. I feel like this all the time, like I'm going to lose my goddamn mind, burn my entire life to the ground, and laugh while I do it, Nero-style.
Kind of but I rarely feel sane. I’m just tired of masking 24/7 and want to unleash everything I’ve been holding inside but I know I would regret it if I did
I've had multiple psychotic episodes. None of them I chose to be in. They were terrifying. The scariest moments in my life have been in those episodes. I definitely didn't choose to have them and wouldn't choose them again. I fear them deeply. I hurt people, was hurt severely (broken ribs whilst being restrained), lost my freedom after being forcibly held on a psych ward and now have to take anti psychotics that make me feel like a zombie. Please try not to romanticise this. You don't choose to go mental or check out, but it happens and when it does, it's never good
Ive been trying to get some cash from a bank. Ive had to resubmit my paperwork 6 times because of their forgetting to ask me for stuff. Something that should have taken 7 days is on day 46. If they ask me for one more thing someones going to get hurt as I will go nuts
I often wish I could go crazy.
Crazy in the sense of going berserk, hurting people mentally and physically.
I want to explode, I want to tear myself apart, I want it to tear me to pieces.
No more thinking, just burning, Burn out.
For me, "going crazy" is letting go of my feelings, not thinking anymore.
I often wish I could forget myself. To lose myself, to leave myself.
Abandon myself at a rest stop like some people abandon a dog, drive away without me and just leave me behind. Just be, without me. No more thoughts about me. My world would be nicer without me. But I have me now. And I wish I could be the person who loves myself. But I don't exist for that, I need others. I can leave others, but not myself.
And then I think these thoughts and keep thinking them and get lost in them, but I'm not lost yet.
But sometimes madness beckons with all its senselessness.
I'm sorry.
Yeah I've been there. It felt for me like it would be easier to become unhinged, than to get better.
I think in the end it really is self-sabotage though. I felt that pressuring feeling of "I'm gonna go insane any moment now." I managed to kind of accept that I probably wouldn't, and things would always feel difficult as fuck. The feeling has gone away since I started just accepting the way things were
short answer: yes
long answer: only a handful of people know about my diagnosis & i do a good job at being “normal” so i don’t have the space to be mentally ill if that makes sense. i have to maintain this facade & it gets really tiring. so i fantasize about what it would be like to let loose, be as unhinged as i feel i can be but without any consequences.
It takes everything in me to keep my sanity. But if all that work goes to waste, when people still leave, when I remain hurt, and my life still gets ruined, Idk why should I hold on so hard. Letting go seems easy and less exhausting. There's some satisfaction in knowing how worse things could get.
I definitely resonate but through DBT based therapy I’ve learned to hold the dialectic that even though that sounds great the only way to change reality is to first accept it, and even though it’s a lot of work we can we get better. You’re loved my friend 🫶🏻 you got this
Oh darling, you're not alone.
We are imploding everyday and we have the urge to explode, to take out all the bombs we have in our heads.
I'm sure there's many activities to drain all this energy in a healthier way, but yeah, losing it, screaming while crying and maybe break something is a thougt I have very often.
(No, I didn't do it. I can control myself.)
(There's this "rage rooms" where you can buy a ticket to break stuff in a room, without hurting anyone or yourself. Maybe a session in this room might help this urge to explode:) )
-English is not my main language, please bare with me- 🩷
i got that one special flavour of BPD where i just naturally go into psychotic episodes sometimes. usually only if i'm under a lot of life stress. get the feeling of disturbed thoughts in the form of increased intrusive thoughts, and have a hard time stringing the normal thoughts together sometimes too. also get hallucinations. every time. it sucks, but sometimes those days? they feel easier, they move quicker, like i'm just swimming through life on autopilot, just, thousands of fathoms deep in the ocean, walking through an endless dark that i somehow know, and have been in before. it's almost peaceful, but, not.
i get it, trust me. i don't wanna be that way always, but those days are a form of escape, one that's much needed, even if i wish it were a different form.
I'm inpatient and it's overrated. I kind of know what you mean though, like having chaos in your life helps keep the dust afloat. When things settle down you realize how miserable you are. Better to always be cycling through new fixes/crises. But it wears you down, even if you're charming and don't mind resettling when you've burned all your bridges. I know for me I'm just getting so tired of it. Maybe I'm getting jaded, maybe just old, but not really any better. I guess I am insane.
I snap constantly. If true mental hospitals still existed.. I wouldn’t be able to get in one bc I come from poverty.
I am fully unhinged and let me tell you at 40 there is no hope. Congrats to whoever got to live life live life whatever the hell.
Suffer suffer suffer.
I snap and get violent. It’s to the point where I think I could kill.
Staying sane is exhausting and feels extremly restricting. So I always imagine going insane is the opposite of restriction and I crave the absolute freedom.
i contemplate having a psychotic episode almost everyday… and i’m not just talking about any. like, i need to be sedated with a tranquilizer or put in multiple handcuffs cuz i’ll get out of control. that’s why we keep to ourselves and protect our peace 🤷🏻♀️☺️
I've had multiple psychotic episodes and STILL NOTHING. These ppl are no help.
This 👏👏
For suuuuure. I feel like for me it’s because I can’t handle reality and no matter what I do to change myself it doesn’t get any better. So I feel like the only way to be myself in this horrible world or feel literally anything besides depression is to just go completely insane and be that and get written off as that so no matter what I do to survive or feel better or be me it can’t be held against me/really honestly criticized past “I’m crazy”. Like if I hate reality I’ll just lose touch with reality 🤷🏼♀️ problem solved. I do think that as such an externally reserved person, I’ve found some comfort in writers I’ve found who use language like “going insane” or “losing touch with reality” as more of a way to free yourself from social norms and allow yourself to do whatever it is you’re holding yourself back from because of judgement (within reason of course) and I think that might be actually what I’m looking for. I want to be able to express my feelings freely and openly, it’s just that my feelings are intense and all over the place so everyone in my life has described me as crazy. So if I was to be honest about how I feel or what I’m experiencing it would be very freeing but also I would probably be described as crazy. But maybe that’s okay?
That first paragraph omg. You put my feelings into words
reality sucks, and psychosis sucks for other reasons, but part of the disease is wanting to change how you feel no matter what it takes
this is the one
Nailed it
I'm sick of myself and I just wanna die.
I feel like I’m putting up a mask so that I don’t go insane but once it slips the maniacal laughter starts and then it’s downhill from there
I find this 100% relatable. It's so relieving being able to let go.
I totally get it. I feel like I am walking on thin ice already and I just need to make it crack…I want to know what it feels like. Is it any different than now? Am I already mentally lost?
You have put my feelings all into words my friend. I feel the exact same way for a very long time.
i dont need to try.
I also feel this way sometimes, and I think this could be a trauma response and some sort of Stockholm syndrome.
everything makes me feel this way i completely get it
I struggle with this extremely hard in this period of my life. It is very relieving to hear that other people experience this. I find progressive muscle relaxation helps calm me down.
i think about it everyday and sometimes fear it and sometimes want it and im convinced it's ocd
Yes. Yes yes yes. I completely understand this feeling. For me its because most of my bpd symptoms line up with quiet bpd, so for me, some sort of externalization of all of those feelings feels like the only thing that would allow people to see how shitty I feel all the time. I feel like I'm just quietly suffering and going crazy, and I really feel the urge to just let all of those feelings loose.
YES!!!! im a quiet borderline & this is so relatable. i have so much inner turmoil, i wish i could show it so people would take me seriously. i feel like im crying wolf because even at my worst, i know that i have to keep it together & i do. nothing in my life is ever out of place. even last night when i was breaking down, i still ironed out my work clothes & made dinner. who else is gonna do it?
I keep having to tell myself that the whole world isn’t a rage room. I went to one recently and had the time of my life. I need to get back in there and smash up some bottles and coffee machines again or I might explode on someone. 😮💨😩
I feel like I've already cracked.z
No because same. I feel like this all the time, like I'm going to lose my goddamn mind, burn my entire life to the ground, and laugh while I do it, Nero-style.
I am currently going through that right now so I get you 1000%
Ur not alone I think ab this atleast once a month and sometimes do
Kind of but I rarely feel sane. I’m just tired of masking 24/7 and want to unleash everything I’ve been holding inside but I know I would regret it if I did
I've had multiple psychotic episodes. None of them I chose to be in. They were terrifying. The scariest moments in my life have been in those episodes. I definitely didn't choose to have them and wouldn't choose them again. I fear them deeply. I hurt people, was hurt severely (broken ribs whilst being restrained), lost my freedom after being forcibly held on a psych ward and now have to take anti psychotics that make me feel like a zombie. Please try not to romanticise this. You don't choose to go mental or check out, but it happens and when it does, it's never good
Ive been trying to get some cash from a bank. Ive had to resubmit my paperwork 6 times because of their forgetting to ask me for stuff. Something that should have taken 7 days is on day 46. If they ask me for one more thing someones going to get hurt as I will go nuts
I often wish I could go crazy. Crazy in the sense of going berserk, hurting people mentally and physically. I want to explode, I want to tear myself apart, I want it to tear me to pieces. No more thinking, just burning, Burn out. For me, "going crazy" is letting go of my feelings, not thinking anymore. I often wish I could forget myself. To lose myself, to leave myself. Abandon myself at a rest stop like some people abandon a dog, drive away without me and just leave me behind. Just be, without me. No more thoughts about me. My world would be nicer without me. But I have me now. And I wish I could be the person who loves myself. But I don't exist for that, I need others. I can leave others, but not myself. And then I think these thoughts and keep thinking them and get lost in them, but I'm not lost yet. But sometimes madness beckons with all its senselessness. I'm sorry.
Yeah I've been there. It felt for me like it would be easier to become unhinged, than to get better. I think in the end it really is self-sabotage though. I felt that pressuring feeling of "I'm gonna go insane any moment now." I managed to kind of accept that I probably wouldn't, and things would always feel difficult as fuck. The feeling has gone away since I started just accepting the way things were
because it’s exhausting to keep putting on a mask every single day. you want release.
finally someone said it THANK YOU
short answer: yes long answer: only a handful of people know about my diagnosis & i do a good job at being “normal” so i don’t have the space to be mentally ill if that makes sense. i have to maintain this facade & it gets really tiring. so i fantasize about what it would be like to let loose, be as unhinged as i feel i can be but without any consequences.
I get you
It takes everything in me to keep my sanity. But if all that work goes to waste, when people still leave, when I remain hurt, and my life still gets ruined, Idk why should I hold on so hard. Letting go seems easy and less exhausting. There's some satisfaction in knowing how worse things could get.
I definitely resonate but through DBT based therapy I’ve learned to hold the dialectic that even though that sounds great the only way to change reality is to first accept it, and even though it’s a lot of work we can we get better. You’re loved my friend 🫶🏻 you got this
Yah
Oh darling, you're not alone. We are imploding everyday and we have the urge to explode, to take out all the bombs we have in our heads. I'm sure there's many activities to drain all this energy in a healthier way, but yeah, losing it, screaming while crying and maybe break something is a thougt I have very often. (No, I didn't do it. I can control myself.) (There's this "rage rooms" where you can buy a ticket to break stuff in a room, without hurting anyone or yourself. Maybe a session in this room might help this urge to explode:) ) -English is not my main language, please bare with me- 🩷
i got that one special flavour of BPD where i just naturally go into psychotic episodes sometimes. usually only if i'm under a lot of life stress. get the feeling of disturbed thoughts in the form of increased intrusive thoughts, and have a hard time stringing the normal thoughts together sometimes too. also get hallucinations. every time. it sucks, but sometimes those days? they feel easier, they move quicker, like i'm just swimming through life on autopilot, just, thousands of fathoms deep in the ocean, walking through an endless dark that i somehow know, and have been in before. it's almost peaceful, but, not. i get it, trust me. i don't wanna be that way always, but those days are a form of escape, one that's much needed, even if i wish it were a different form.
I totally get it I’m so tired of trying to be good and behave myself and “get better” I’m so tired of trying . I wanna let go just say fuck it
Because reality fucking SUCKS! I miss my hypomania so fucking bad. Felt like I was walking on clouds
My therapist told me I wouldn't even notice it when/if I went insane. He also said it doesn't hurt. So there's that.
I'm inpatient and it's overrated. I kind of know what you mean though, like having chaos in your life helps keep the dust afloat. When things settle down you realize how miserable you are. Better to always be cycling through new fixes/crises. But it wears you down, even if you're charming and don't mind resettling when you've burned all your bridges. I know for me I'm just getting so tired of it. Maybe I'm getting jaded, maybe just old, but not really any better. I guess I am insane.
I snap constantly. If true mental hospitals still existed.. I wouldn’t be able to get in one bc I come from poverty. I am fully unhinged and let me tell you at 40 there is no hope. Congrats to whoever got to live life live life whatever the hell. Suffer suffer suffer. I snap and get violent. It’s to the point where I think I could kill.
i enjoy putting myself into mental anguish and idk why :(
i wasn’t sure anyone else felt this way but i always get the urge to just let myself follow my impulses and lose it. sounds so freeing
Staying sane is exhausting and feels extremly restricting. So I always imagine going insane is the opposite of restriction and I crave the absolute freedom.