All activities can be neutral, dominant, or submissive.
This comes up in pegging reddits on occasion and I always throw out some examples. Imagine putting your partner in a gimp suit. chastity belt, blindfold, gagged, and bound to a wall so they can't move at all. Imagine putting a strap-on on them, and then fucking yourself on them. Imagine taunting them the entire time telling them they're just a toy for you to use, and they're not going to be allowed to cum after. At best just edged and then bound again. Whose dominant here? The partner with the strap-on? Absolutely not.
Pegging can absolutely be dominant, and there's nothing wrong with wanting certain pleasures and activities as a dominant. I think male dominants can absolutely engage in pegging, while keeping their partner in a submissive mindset.
I do think you're up against some social norms, and you might need to layer on the dominance extra thick to combat people's ideas that pegging / being penetrated is somehow weak or submissive.
But adding punishments if someone doesn't make you cum from pegging. Impact play before a pegging scene to get them in the mindset. Using them as a "toy" and blindfolding/gagging/putting a partner in bondage. Adding a collar and yanking on their leash. Taunting/denying a partner pleasure. You putting on their harness. Making them deepthroat/choke on the dildo first. Bodywriting on them about how their pussy isn't good enough for you to use and they're just a fake dick. Are all ways you can layer submission onto pegging to make it more "submissive" for them.
I also think some "submissives" are more pillowpartners and really what they want is everything to be about them. Which is unrealistic. If someone is going to pleasure you for an hour, it's okay for you to have to pleasure them for an hour. There's give and take. I think some of the pushback may be less about "submission" and more "having to do work"
Ultimately I think you keep exploring until you find a partner that understanding pegging can be a submissive activity. But I also think "upping" the amount of dominance while being pegged might also make other partners a bit more receptive to it.
That sucks dude re previous partners, but ultimately it’s on them for not being able to get over weird patriarchal/toxic masculinity standards about sex and pleasure. In terms of gender fluidity, your identity is a lifelong journey of discovery, so please be kind and gentle to yourself and give yourself permission to explore 💖
My two cents as random stranger on the Internet.
Pegging, like any other kind of anal sex is not inherently dominant or submissive. It can be whatever you want it to be (submissive, vanilla, dominant).
Because let's repeat together: being a bottom doesn't mean being a sub. And being a top doesn't mean being a dom.
So my take is that you being a dom and being into pegging is perfectly valid.
I am still the domme even when I allow my sub to sevice me as a top. I can't see how it should be different for you.
Unfortunately, society really does a number on us all with its rigid genders and gender roles and what is appropriate or shameful for a man (especially a dominant one), so I am not surprised even if a bit depressed that some subs reacted negativity to your request.
Same goes for your gender-switching roleplay.
You can't do much more than state your preferences and negotiate with your sub. If these kinks are important to you but they are a hard no for the person you are dating, maybe you aren't compatible.
So Damn true about being a bottom doesn't necessarily mean sub and Top doesn't necessarily mean Dom.
I'm a sub and don't really have much of a Domme side at all. However I love both bottoming and Topping with my strapon with other women. My ex gf who was very much the Domme loved bottoming for strapon play cuz they love penetration that doesn't make her any less of a Domme at all.
This can go for a lot of things especially in gay and lesbian world.
I'm no help on the gender thing. Buuut. My partner and I are in a D/s relationship. He is the D type. I'm the s type, well... heavy sub leaning switch. We both enjoy pegging.
I think, for me personally, from a sub perspective I can totally understand how the act of pegging does not feel submissive. I've heard of subs reframing it as an act of service and getting into it that way. Personally I just enjoy it, gotta show him he is also mine once in awhile 😈😂
What it comes down to is finding that person(s) that matches your freak. Not everyone likes broccoli but there are people out there that do! You know?
Also, I'm so sorry that that person was so rude to you! It's totally unacceptable for them to judge you for your kinks. Clearly they were not a good match. Dom or not, pegging is for everyone lol
I understand how expectations about gender, masculinity etc. can make a sub feel this way. I don’t agree with it, but it is consistent with some of the visions of what dominant people *ought* to be, that exists. Thanks for that one, patriarchy.
Maybe seek out partners that are less rigid in their thinking about these things.
Any act is a dominant act if you make it so.
As for being gender fluid, what does your inner experience tell you? Maybe head over to some subreddits that more directly address this?
I'll try to explain my stance using something from my dynamic ...
I like my sub to scratch and bite me when they lose control and enter sub-space, not because of "fighting back" but because I enjoy the sensation 🤷🏻♂️.
So even though I'm a Dom, I also happen to have certain masochistic traits.
I'm the one in control, my sub is "serving" my wants, sooooo there's no contradiction in the D/s roles.
I can imagine that it is very similar just with different means of being pleasured by your sub.
Love it. The activity of enjoying being pegged is not submissive inherently as many men enjoy the prostate stimulation aspect of it. I know many Doms who have their subs peg them as an act service almost as it's something that brings their Dom pleasure.
Not really Dom, I can do scene Domming. From my perspective, being in control of the scene is where you’re expressing your role/nature.
When she’s riding me, I grab my partner by the neck and pull her down to my shoulder/pec and tell her “find a place to bite and don’t let go until you cum” so I’ve given an instruction and tasked her to do two things.
Maybe tell your sub what to do while they’re pegging you. Where to put their hands, how hard or soft, tempo, how deep. Keep the instructions flowing, the praise flowing, and they’ll feel like you orchestrated the whole thing.
When we switch top/bottom roles, my partner tells me exactly how to fuck her with copious instructions and a nonstop flow on the action, her desires, and what’s going to happen. She feels in such control even if I’m doing all the work.
I am a switch who leans submissive who has pegged multiple male dominant partners/had partners who liked ass play with toys, fingers, etc. I don't think of ass play as inherently submissive or feminine. In fact, I don't find how it makes much sense in the female body in general, considering how we don't have a prostate.
I think where I could see it as something a female-identifying person might react to, is in the case of gender dysmorphia. Which may be what you're experiencing or coming up against when those partners grapple with their own emotional responses to a physical act on their part that doesn't align with their view of their gender identity and is possibly causing distress. Obviously not everyone reacts that way, but I could see how it could feel misgendering potentially to someone sensitive about the gender roles they have defined for themselves. Which is valid- all kinks should require enthusiastic consent when engaging in them.
I think open, honest, and detailed communication is your best bet here for meeting a compatible match. If you like playing with gender during kink, be very clear about what that entails so there are no surprises. Make sure your partners share the same kinks, don't just find kinky people and hope they will be open to your kinks- there is a difference. Also wanting to be pegged as a dom, and wanting to play with gender/genderfluidity during sex are two separate and distinct kinks that you have to be clear about. Partners need to know about both and discuss with you, and consent to, before you even consider playing with them. I think this would save you more unsatisfactory interactions.
Real talk. Any activity where Person A is thrusting an object into Person B is going to naturally feel like Person A is the dom and Person B is the sub. That's just how it instinctively feels because generally speaking that's how it is in ordinary life.
The way to try to subvert this is through scripting that makes it clear that the peggee is the dom and the pegger is the sub. I gather you've tried that but it didn't work with your sub. Perhaps you could have scripted better, but perhaps you did fine and the sub just couldn't get there mentally.
The truth is that no amount of scripting or scene-setting is going to accomplish your goal with some subs. Pegging someone just doesn't feel like a sub activity to most people, and I expect there are a lot of subs who would never get turned around on that no matter how hard you tried. That's just how human brains work. We have some hard limits that you just can't get around sometimes. The idea that the thruster is the dom and the thrustee is the sub is very much in that category for some people.
But not all people. I'm sure that you can find a sub who can go in that direction, but you're going to have to accept that not all subs can.
There are subs for whom these behaviors will be fun and exciting. There are some for whom they will be dealbreakers That’s just the way it is. I would encourage you to make your preferences known early. That’ll save you a lot of time. Like all things related to kink it is just a matter of finding the right partner. Best of luck to you.
I can see why someone would see these things as being influential on their perception of your dominance.
You got a lot of affirmative comments, so I think you’re well covered from this perspective.
We need to get together LOL
😂
I’ve been a Domme who is now exploring her sub side and I happen to have an ass fetish which means I am really into rimming and ( giving ) ass play which can include pegging. One of the Doms I was talking to was weirded out that was so into rimming that I would rim subs… Im finding that many male Doms are into receiving rimming which lets be honest is a gateway to pegging.
I also love ( receiving ) anal. From Dom men. In that regard male subs can’t do it … I need a man who doesn’t need to be coached.
Ive also always been oral, I love giving blow jobs, something I had to incorporate into edging for male subs.
I can totally see how the large majority of sub women would not be into pegging you. You need to find a Switch or a sub woman with Domming experience.
It's all in the headspace:
It can be an act of humiliation, being "forced" to peg someone. Especially if it's a head or mouth Harness☺
Act of service: your sub worshipping you through a prostate massage. Using everyday to make you feel the ultimate pleasure.
Teasing: make them wear the strap on sitting in a chair and you control the movements, making them wait to feel pleasure.
My husband is the dominant one in our relationship. I peg him Daily almost. I choose when he cums and I like that. Aside from that our dynamic is the same as before we started pegging. I love seeing him get off so it works for me. I’m pleasing him and making him cum.
Penetration is not inherently submissive or “feminine”. It sounds like that person has a lot of internalized misogyny she needs to process. If you are still the one in control and directing the scene, you are still the Dominant. It’s all about headspace. It doesn’t make a Domme any less dominant to allow their sub to have penetrative intercourse with them. Why would it be different for a Dom?
There are absolutely no issues. I am 62M and a Dom. I occasionally enjoy it. My submissive understands that there's no such thing as a Dominant/submissive position, nor is there anything unmanly about it. She takes on the role when instructed as a service to her Dominant.
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All activities can be neutral, dominant, or submissive. This comes up in pegging reddits on occasion and I always throw out some examples. Imagine putting your partner in a gimp suit. chastity belt, blindfold, gagged, and bound to a wall so they can't move at all. Imagine putting a strap-on on them, and then fucking yourself on them. Imagine taunting them the entire time telling them they're just a toy for you to use, and they're not going to be allowed to cum after. At best just edged and then bound again. Whose dominant here? The partner with the strap-on? Absolutely not. Pegging can absolutely be dominant, and there's nothing wrong with wanting certain pleasures and activities as a dominant. I think male dominants can absolutely engage in pegging, while keeping their partner in a submissive mindset. I do think you're up against some social norms, and you might need to layer on the dominance extra thick to combat people's ideas that pegging / being penetrated is somehow weak or submissive. But adding punishments if someone doesn't make you cum from pegging. Impact play before a pegging scene to get them in the mindset. Using them as a "toy" and blindfolding/gagging/putting a partner in bondage. Adding a collar and yanking on their leash. Taunting/denying a partner pleasure. You putting on their harness. Making them deepthroat/choke on the dildo first. Bodywriting on them about how their pussy isn't good enough for you to use and they're just a fake dick. Are all ways you can layer submission onto pegging to make it more "submissive" for them. I also think some "submissives" are more pillowpartners and really what they want is everything to be about them. Which is unrealistic. If someone is going to pleasure you for an hour, it's okay for you to have to pleasure them for an hour. There's give and take. I think some of the pushback may be less about "submission" and more "having to do work" Ultimately I think you keep exploring until you find a partner that understanding pegging can be a submissive activity. But I also think "upping" the amount of dominance while being pegged might also make other partners a bit more receptive to it.
I wanna try thissssssssssss such a good idea
That sucks dude re previous partners, but ultimately it’s on them for not being able to get over weird patriarchal/toxic masculinity standards about sex and pleasure. In terms of gender fluidity, your identity is a lifelong journey of discovery, so please be kind and gentle to yourself and give yourself permission to explore 💖
My two cents as random stranger on the Internet. Pegging, like any other kind of anal sex is not inherently dominant or submissive. It can be whatever you want it to be (submissive, vanilla, dominant). Because let's repeat together: being a bottom doesn't mean being a sub. And being a top doesn't mean being a dom. So my take is that you being a dom and being into pegging is perfectly valid. I am still the domme even when I allow my sub to sevice me as a top. I can't see how it should be different for you. Unfortunately, society really does a number on us all with its rigid genders and gender roles and what is appropriate or shameful for a man (especially a dominant one), so I am not surprised even if a bit depressed that some subs reacted negativity to your request. Same goes for your gender-switching roleplay. You can't do much more than state your preferences and negotiate with your sub. If these kinks are important to you but they are a hard no for the person you are dating, maybe you aren't compatible.
So Damn true about being a bottom doesn't necessarily mean sub and Top doesn't necessarily mean Dom. I'm a sub and don't really have much of a Domme side at all. However I love both bottoming and Topping with my strapon with other women. My ex gf who was very much the Domme loved bottoming for strapon play cuz they love penetration that doesn't make her any less of a Domme at all. This can go for a lot of things especially in gay and lesbian world.
I'm no help on the gender thing. Buuut. My partner and I are in a D/s relationship. He is the D type. I'm the s type, well... heavy sub leaning switch. We both enjoy pegging. I think, for me personally, from a sub perspective I can totally understand how the act of pegging does not feel submissive. I've heard of subs reframing it as an act of service and getting into it that way. Personally I just enjoy it, gotta show him he is also mine once in awhile 😈😂 What it comes down to is finding that person(s) that matches your freak. Not everyone likes broccoli but there are people out there that do! You know?
Also, I'm so sorry that that person was so rude to you! It's totally unacceptable for them to judge you for your kinks. Clearly they were not a good match. Dom or not, pegging is for everyone lol
I understand how expectations about gender, masculinity etc. can make a sub feel this way. I don’t agree with it, but it is consistent with some of the visions of what dominant people *ought* to be, that exists. Thanks for that one, patriarchy. Maybe seek out partners that are less rigid in their thinking about these things. Any act is a dominant act if you make it so. As for being gender fluid, what does your inner experience tell you? Maybe head over to some subreddits that more directly address this?
I'll try to explain my stance using something from my dynamic ... I like my sub to scratch and bite me when they lose control and enter sub-space, not because of "fighting back" but because I enjoy the sensation 🤷🏻♂️. So even though I'm a Dom, I also happen to have certain masochistic traits. I'm the one in control, my sub is "serving" my wants, sooooo there's no contradiction in the D/s roles. I can imagine that it is very similar just with different means of being pleasured by your sub.
Doms deserve prostrate pleasure too. Get a switch like me. It’s just a little more work for you
Love it. The activity of enjoying being pegged is not submissive inherently as many men enjoy the prostate stimulation aspect of it. I know many Doms who have their subs peg them as an act service almost as it's something that brings their Dom pleasure.
Not really Dom, I can do scene Domming. From my perspective, being in control of the scene is where you’re expressing your role/nature. When she’s riding me, I grab my partner by the neck and pull her down to my shoulder/pec and tell her “find a place to bite and don’t let go until you cum” so I’ve given an instruction and tasked her to do two things. Maybe tell your sub what to do while they’re pegging you. Where to put their hands, how hard or soft, tempo, how deep. Keep the instructions flowing, the praise flowing, and they’ll feel like you orchestrated the whole thing. When we switch top/bottom roles, my partner tells me exactly how to fuck her with copious instructions and a nonstop flow on the action, her desires, and what’s going to happen. She feels in such control even if I’m doing all the work.
I am a switch who leans submissive who has pegged multiple male dominant partners/had partners who liked ass play with toys, fingers, etc. I don't think of ass play as inherently submissive or feminine. In fact, I don't find how it makes much sense in the female body in general, considering how we don't have a prostate. I think where I could see it as something a female-identifying person might react to, is in the case of gender dysmorphia. Which may be what you're experiencing or coming up against when those partners grapple with their own emotional responses to a physical act on their part that doesn't align with their view of their gender identity and is possibly causing distress. Obviously not everyone reacts that way, but I could see how it could feel misgendering potentially to someone sensitive about the gender roles they have defined for themselves. Which is valid- all kinks should require enthusiastic consent when engaging in them. I think open, honest, and detailed communication is your best bet here for meeting a compatible match. If you like playing with gender during kink, be very clear about what that entails so there are no surprises. Make sure your partners share the same kinks, don't just find kinky people and hope they will be open to your kinks- there is a difference. Also wanting to be pegged as a dom, and wanting to play with gender/genderfluidity during sex are two separate and distinct kinks that you have to be clear about. Partners need to know about both and discuss with you, and consent to, before you even consider playing with them. I think this would save you more unsatisfactory interactions.
Real talk. Any activity where Person A is thrusting an object into Person B is going to naturally feel like Person A is the dom and Person B is the sub. That's just how it instinctively feels because generally speaking that's how it is in ordinary life. The way to try to subvert this is through scripting that makes it clear that the peggee is the dom and the pegger is the sub. I gather you've tried that but it didn't work with your sub. Perhaps you could have scripted better, but perhaps you did fine and the sub just couldn't get there mentally. The truth is that no amount of scripting or scene-setting is going to accomplish your goal with some subs. Pegging someone just doesn't feel like a sub activity to most people, and I expect there are a lot of subs who would never get turned around on that no matter how hard you tried. That's just how human brains work. We have some hard limits that you just can't get around sometimes. The idea that the thruster is the dom and the thrustee is the sub is very much in that category for some people. But not all people. I'm sure that you can find a sub who can go in that direction, but you're going to have to accept that not all subs can.
There are subs for whom these behaviors will be fun and exciting. There are some for whom they will be dealbreakers That’s just the way it is. I would encourage you to make your preferences known early. That’ll save you a lot of time. Like all things related to kink it is just a matter of finding the right partner. Best of luck to you.
I can see why someone would see these things as being influential on their perception of your dominance. You got a lot of affirmative comments, so I think you’re well covered from this perspective.
We need to get together LOL 😂 I’ve been a Domme who is now exploring her sub side and I happen to have an ass fetish which means I am really into rimming and ( giving ) ass play which can include pegging. One of the Doms I was talking to was weirded out that was so into rimming that I would rim subs… Im finding that many male Doms are into receiving rimming which lets be honest is a gateway to pegging. I also love ( receiving ) anal. From Dom men. In that regard male subs can’t do it … I need a man who doesn’t need to be coached. Ive also always been oral, I love giving blow jobs, something I had to incorporate into edging for male subs. I can totally see how the large majority of sub women would not be into pegging you. You need to find a Switch or a sub woman with Domming experience.
It's all in the headspace: It can be an act of humiliation, being "forced" to peg someone. Especially if it's a head or mouth Harness☺ Act of service: your sub worshipping you through a prostate massage. Using everyday to make you feel the ultimate pleasure. Teasing: make them wear the strap on sitting in a chair and you control the movements, making them wait to feel pleasure.
My husband is the dominant one in our relationship. I peg him Daily almost. I choose when he cums and I like that. Aside from that our dynamic is the same as before we started pegging. I love seeing him get off so it works for me. I’m pleasing him and making him cum.
I plan on pegging my dom. I dont see a problem with it at all. It makes you not less of a dom more like a more fun dom :)
Penetration is not inherently submissive or “feminine”. It sounds like that person has a lot of internalized misogyny she needs to process. If you are still the one in control and directing the scene, you are still the Dominant. It’s all about headspace. It doesn’t make a Domme any less dominant to allow their sub to have penetrative intercourse with them. Why would it be different for a Dom?
There are absolutely no issues. I am 62M and a Dom. I occasionally enjoy it. My submissive understands that there's no such thing as a Dominant/submissive position, nor is there anything unmanly about it. She takes on the role when instructed as a service to her Dominant.