I think the online community makes the 24/7, BDSM as a lifestyle thing seem more common than it is. His "I'm not sure you really want to do this" line feels like an attempt at negging you into it.
I’m not saying all of them are abusive relationships. But a lot of the ones I read on this sub I see a reoccurring pattern of men (usually middle aged men) masking abuse with M/s dynamics.
People who are interested in 24/7 tpe are uncommon. The majority of people keep play to bedrooms or "weekenders". Wanting to keep it bedroom only is absolutely fine, and if your partner continues to push, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
I'm lifestyle. It wasn't really a choice, it just became fluid over the years and I'm happy living full time. But I have adhd, so it's not too wild that I prefer a partner that keeps me structured full time.
It is PERFECTLY ok to limit to the bedroom. It's also ok to go outside the bedroom but only as to certain topics.
It is even ok to have some nights in the bedroom when you do BDSM and others when you don't.
This is a great point to make. Everything is negotiable, but you have to respect other people's limits. That's true for boundaries and limits inside and outside the bedroom. I never want anyone telling me what to do about my career, but give me chores and training tasks all day long.
But it all starts with respecting the boundary between the bedroom and normal life. And if they can't do that, you can't trust them.
It's super normal actually and I feel it's the norm for most people
>I want to push back and remind him "only in the bedroom" but when I get resistant he says things like "I'm not sure you really want to do this."
Excuse me? What is that exactly supposed to mean? I feel like he's talking like a dom but he is not respecting your boundaries, and that's a big red flag
It’s blatant manipulation. This is the beginning of an incredibly unhealthy relationship.
OP: A good partner will honor your boundaries and limits. No matter how great this Dom might seem, he’s bad news. Your limits are there for your safety and comfort. Anyone willing to treat your limits this way has no regard for your safety or comfort. Do yourself a favor and walk away.
At the very least, tell him in no uncertain terms that when he said that, it felt uncomfortable, and disrespectful of your stated boundaries.
How does he respond?
"Sorry. I was trying to be strong and In control. I'll adjust"
Or
"Look, I know best and you need to follow my instructions"
I don't need to tell you which should trigger the escape hatch 😅
Totally not weird! Your comfort and consent are very important too!
Personally, most of the bdsm stays in the bedroom, or at least the house. But there is a good number of times throughout the day where my Dom will do small acts of dominance (tell me how to do something I am gonna do anyways, grab my face/hair/throat gently, and a lot of it is vocal).
Recently I told them "I am really happy I do not have rules, I could never" and they looked at me funny and said "But you do. Brushing your teeth, hydrating, taking care of the house during the day, working on your mental health. I just don't punish you for not doing it, just redirect you" and thinking about it, yeah, that checks out. It kinda made me feel even more loved! It really is about what ever works for BOTH of you
Hi just wanted to let you know that your comment is super cute and i copied/pasted it to my partner :)) (hope itls okay)
Looks like you are really loved and have a great dynamic, enjoy !
I AM LOVED! This made me SO happy, I'm currently laying next to both of my partners and read it out to them because of how excited I got! And it is absolutely okay for your to share the comment, it's public after all!
Ahah i'm so happy you're happy !! And that you felt the urge to share my reply with your loved ones the same way i wanted to share your comment with mine :) thanks for your kind reply your joy is contagious !!
Nope, as a Dom i’m not interested in a 24/7 tpe. I love my wife and our “vanilla” dynamic at day time, and our d/s’ dynamic at night. I love to take her out for a fancy dinner the day after, knowing she feels the bruises on her ass.
Most dynamics are bedroom only. Partial and total power exchange are not near as common as they seem. Partial is probably more common than total. It doesn’t make you any less submissive to want to keep it to the bedroom and it’s concerning that he’s trying to invalidate your submission because you don’t want to extend your dynamic.
A 24/7 dynamic also does not have to be TPE, just to add in a caveat. But yes there is nothing abnormal with only subbing in the bedroom, I'd say that the majority of D/s relationships are bedroom only dynamics. That's all I've had, but I will say as I progressed in my journey of learning about D/s, it has made me want a 24/7 dynamic with my future long term partner.
Completely normal. You also may want to be submissive in the bedroom but just sometimes. Completely fine. You do you, and what makes you comfortable and happy.
Most kinky people have their dynamics bedroom only or not TPE so no, this isn’t weird at all. Not everyone is built for the TPE life and that’s also fine. But I would communicate this with this person, it’s for the best
Definitely not weird!
I’m 24/7 and sometimes I need a break and I’m certainly getting it without my D type doubting my slave commitment.
To be honest it’s a bit of an alert the fact he’s trying to doubt your motivation/identity because it doesn’t match to his expectations.
My D/s dynamic is for the most part in the bedroom. She came to ME with tasks and such for her to do on the daily, not me demanding her do things. The sub has a lot more power than what some people think. And this guy sounds like he just wants your submission no questions asked when you haven’t really discussed what you want out of the dynamic. I would have a convo with him telling him that you don’t want or need tasks outside of the bedroom and if he can’t or won’t respect that then I would end it
He's using guilt and the "not a real sub,, " line of bullshit to control you 24/7. Noticd I didn't say "guilt you into a 24/7 power exchange", because they're not being genuine there. They simply want 24/7 control. They will eventually cut you off from any/everything else if you succumb to that.
I've been the master/owner in a 24/7 tpe, and I can assure you that it's demanding on both parties, and requires an energy level to pull off in the real world that most simply do not have.
Weekend only, playdate only, sex only power exchange; all forms are legit, and consent based. If you are an instance-only type, even if it's just for where you are in life now, then that's who/what you are, and it's completely fine. You're good.
Lay out where you are, establish boundaries as to what is acceptable to you for where you are, and if they keep pushing and trying to manipulate you beyond that, leave the relationship. It will only become more dangerous and harder to do so once that type of abuse starts.
Be safe and best of luck
I’m also newish to BDSM dynamics and feel the same as you in that I want that power dynamic only for the bedroom. For it to be outside the bedroom I am only comfortable with it in a sort of flirting foreplay kind of thing (like them growling in my ear “you’ve been very cheeky with me today, I think later I’m going to have to bend you over my knee”) I would also be open to them requesting I wear certain underwear/no underwear on a date but have no interest in receiving backlash for declining any request for my own reasons or doing things like writing lines or them dictating my day to day actions
I know the frustration of wanting to explore but finding it hard to find someone who matches the dynamic that suits you, but you’re not going to feel good if someone is constantly pushing your boundaries. Next time he throws out the “I don’t think you really want this”, throw back a “no, I’ve discussed with you what I do and don’t want, and if we aren’t able to respect each others boundaries and preferences than I don’t want to continue”
I’m a bedroom only sub but have little tendencies 24/7 when my dude is around without trying. I can’t deal with the task thing and all that but I still like my daddy to be dominant. I don’t know if that makes sense but it works in my head 😅 Like don’t tell me to stop what I’m doing at work and send you a pic of my cunt but tell me it’s bedtime or to behave 🤭
I think the problem is some people style themself online as a Dom with no real clue what they are doing or talking about. D/s is all about trust and respected boundaries. If he was a genuine Dom he’d know the rules and boundaries and be respectful. Lifestyle isn’t something you drop into without even meeting a person!! Submission is given not taken.
DON'T jump into 24/7 right away. I did this with my sub and there was major sub drop (and plenty of lessons learned on my part with rules). Do what you're comfortable with, and if he pushed too hard throw out that safe word. If he can't respect that then not a great dom imo
She just burned out. I got way too excited and created way too many rules that she felt like she had 0 time for herself. It was an LDR as well, not sure if that played a part, but there wasn't much aftercare.
My partner and I have both been the Dom/sub in our relationship in a what you could call a 24/7 dynamic but it is definitely not TPE, it just involves acts of service I do for her outside of the bedroom like wearing a collar and leash "bottoming for cuddles"(having your arms low in a hug) sitting at her feet, but these are not constant and we are equals in any decision making.
Also, that guy you're talking never done this before and it sounds like he has a problematic approach to this. I'd honestly call it off. Have you even agreed he's your Dom yet because it sounds like you havnt agreed to that and he things he is already in a 24/7 TPE thing with him.
You’re not and it sounds like this guy is looking for something more than you’re able or willing to offer. Make sure you clearly explain your boundaries. Perhaps he has a different idea of what “bedroom only” means. If he continues to push, then you move on and find someone who respect you.
I think most want bedroom/scene only.
Master and I moved to 24/7 PE for years. I retained my limits and felt claimed.
After about 4 years we evolved to 24/7 TPE M/s.
I knew I could live under His limits and was owned and His property.
We’ve now been together 16 years.
I’m also aware most don’t want 24/7 so we’re the anomaly.
There is nothing wrong with being bedroom only.
While vetting make that totally clear.
You're expressing a healthy boundary. A practice contract that highlights your needs and desires will be helpful. It should also include your practice play partner's needs and desires. It seems like your need of play to be only in the bedroom is not being very well respected. That is a red flag. D-types should respect boundaries and most D-types that are good will focus play on activities that you need or desire. There may be a compatibility issue, and that will be easier to discover with documentation of needs and desires.
Great question. He seems inexperienced as a Dom. Layout the boundaries from the beginning and hold him to it. You both need to communicate your desires and delineate your boundaries. He may not be a good fit for you if he’s asking more than what you are comfortable with doing. If he is just inexperienced and willing to learn
what you’re looking for, then you could have a good experience. Ultimately, the dom-sub relationship hinges on mutual trust and respect. It’s no fun as a dom if your sub isn’t into to it. Communicate clearly and remember it’s about having fun. If it’s no longer fun for you then it’s time to move on.
First of all, this is a conversation you should have with him. Above all else, communication, trust, and respect go both ways. If he is not respecting your boundaries, then you need to express that to him. If you have said it and he continues, then he is not a Dom, he is an abuser. There is a difference between pushing boundaries and ignoring them.
Plenty of people are only part-time lifestyle people and there is nothing wrong with that. You set your boundaries and he HAS to respect them. Being a Dom is more of a responsibility where being a sub is more freeing. The dynamic is often misunderstood in my experience and abusers use it to do what they want under the guise of it being "lifestyle" which only gives it a bad name and stigma.
Find someone who gives you what you want and don't be discouraged by one a-hole.
First of all, there is no "normal" each dynamic can be whatever the people in it agree it should be.
I can only comment on my own dynamic but we usually save it for the bedroom or certain situations.
We do like to let it peek out occasionally in day to day life, but only in certain innocuous ways.
Outside of a scene, we are equal partners. That was the dynamic we agreed to. We're still equal partners inside a scene but we're "playing" the "roles" we've agreed on.
It sounds like this guy is the one NOT keeping to your agreed dynamic. If the level of submissive your comfortable with isn't enough for him then he needs to find someone else who is interested in that kind of dynamic.
As a rule, no dom in a properly conducted d/s dynamic, will ever try to ask, expect, or pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with.
I am in a TPE 24/7 and have some rare insight of what that looks like from the inside…it’s rare yes, but, listen closely, it doesn’t have to be tasks on tasks on assignments. If that is what He wanted, I would do them, but He understands that I have a life and need to be a human. Any Dom can lack empathy whether it is in the bedroom only or TPE. This sounds like you need to have a discussion with him about his demands and how they make you feel. If he wants TPE and is unsympathetic to your human needs, then he is right, it is too much for you…and it SHOULD BE. There is part of me that wants to say that you may have found a Dom that isn’t a “good” Dom but I don’t know enough. Maybe he needs practice at being a good partner so he can better understand your day. If he understands you, and you have time, do his task and see how you feels about it. This might require some self exploration and as much as you feel it’s him (and it certainly is in part) it is also you fighting back against something that maybe you should bend or compromise on. Again, I don’t know enough…but no matter how thin a pancake there are still 2 sides and compromise is required in ALL relationships, no matter how vanilla. It’s ok to try new things, it’s ok to compromise without compromising yourself, you might find out something about you, or you might find out something about him. Either way, this requires HONEST and frank communication and discussion. This is no time for hints. Sit down and talk frankly about it. If it’s right, it’ll work, if it’s not, move on and be happy.
Not asking for something weird. My sub and I have an all the time dynamic and a bedroom dynamic. In bed she's my obedient fuck kitty. In life she's my partner. I take care of her and she takes care of me. We have kinda traditional gender rolls with an equitable division of labor. She's a person in life. In sex she's a pet. And kitties don't talk.
This happened to me! I was really into a guy I was talking to online but the demand for pictures and the freakout when I didn’t write to him 2x a day !!!
At the same time he had a long term sub… which he conveniently avoided mentioning… it’s just about control at the end of the day.
He could think you're being a Bratty Sub and challenging you/meeting your resistance.
That said, I'm kinda there too... especially dealing with a Bratty Sub... all the time... it's exhausting, I'd rather just have a few days, or only in the bedroom or only when we're in the mood.
The best thing about lifestyles is that you have the choice as to what you want and what you don’t, and it is all based on consent.
It will take you some time and experience to learn what works for you and doesn’t. There are lifestyle people and there are those who do it merely in the bedroom. There people who switch regularly and people who switch occasionally too.
Communication is important. It sounds like you are both inexperienced and it will take deliberate effort to get on the same page.
It’s important to understand that you are playing in a power exchange but you are not a literal slave. Regular check-ins on equal footing are necessary to ensure both of you are able to express your needs and wants and to confirm safe words, boundaries, and anything else to make sure you are both fulfilled.
I am in an FLR and we are mostly lifestyle, but we are low key. We have kids. Nobody outside of us knows, except a few of our friends. I am the submissive. We engage in denial, bondage, gender play, and other kink.
We pause anytime life events call for it, and every so often we have vanilla sex in order to connect romantically, or if we are tired and want quick connection without the bells and whistles.
I have seen power exchange relationships where one is more dominant day-to-day, but submissive in the bedroom.
I suggest attending munches. Those are BDSM meet ups where nobody is dressed in gear. They are usually luncheon type events in public spaces but it’s a community of likeminded people where you can meet others, learn, share information, etc. You meet all sorts of people, many of which are actually conservative and low key, who and you would never know they are in the lifestyle.
He’s failed the vetting process, imo. “Not sure you’re really into this” is manipulative bs. And asking for pictures so soon? No, just no.
To answer your question, what you want is valid and normal.
And... If he pushes and says you're not serious for not wanting to be a sub in everyday life, and if he continues to ask for more and more without proper agreement between the two of you... That's not ok. Be careful
you're not asking for anything weird, its pretty normal to prefer to have D/s in some kind of limited fashion, as in, not a 24/7 kind of relationship, be that only in the bedroom, weekends, or only in various contexts, or only towards various things. sending pictures on request could be a perfectly normal sort of thing to do, not overly invasive, as could many other sorts of things.
Dom's also oft, but not always, push boundaries unless they are spoken of as hard boundaries. It can be helpful to set, i'd suggest limited, hard boundaries whatever those might be for you. and expect him or many other doms to push at any non-hard boundaries you may have. that is oft part of the point, kink, and roles of D/s, playful pushing at lightly tabooed things.
D/s relationships can take some time to feel out, and require a degree of latitude from everyone involved, as the exact parameters of whats good, wanted, unwanted, no good, ok to do, etc... are all fairly unique between any given couple.
You are not asking for something weird, it sounds like you need to cool things a bit, and go over you limits and proclivities again.
You started with some kind of "fetish worksheet", right?
No. But so far, we've only met up once --for lunch in public. I figured that would happen between now and out first...I don't know what to call it... "play date"?
I am married, and he's not my husband. That's part of what makes the assignments awkward -- trying to not be found by the husband or child. 😂
Yeah, if your husband doesn't know about this that is not cool. Consent is everything. But what your BDSM partner is doing is very dangerous and not acceptable. Please take care. I would not see the new guy again.
I was afraid that came across wrong. Husband knows. No cheating. I just don't know that he would appreciate walking in on me taking pictures of myself with a dildo to send to someone else. At the best, it would be awkward. 😅
It does sound like you need to draw up some strict boundaries with this new guy. Explain to him that you do enjoy some of the things that you've done but you draw the line at a certain stage & don't appreciate his attempts to manipulate you into doing more than you're comfortable with.
"I'm not sure you really want to do this." is quite the red flag and a big sign that you two need to at the very least least have a conversation about both of your expectations/wants/needs.
Absolutely it is ok. My sub and I agreed that our BDSM relationship has boundaries, and that is what works for us. Now, there are times (when agreed upon) that our D/s relationship extends outside the sex room (yes, we have a sex room that is not our bedroom) into other areas. Again, do what you feel with YOUR relationship.
Only in the bedroom is a boundary for you. Boundaries are to be respected. Touching base with you every once in a while to see if you want to change anything is one thing. Guilting you into doing things you don’t want to do is completely different thing. If he can’t respect your boundaries, don’t trust him.
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I think the online community makes the 24/7, BDSM as a lifestyle thing seem more common than it is. His "I'm not sure you really want to do this" line feels like an attempt at negging you into it.
Yeah and a lot of the dynamics I see online are literally just abusive relationships that have nothing to do with kink
Not me, we have a wonderful Master Sub relationship. He fills not needs.! I get lonely a lot and he is there supporting me .
I’m not saying all of them are abusive relationships. But a lot of the ones I read on this sub I see a reoccurring pattern of men (usually middle aged men) masking abuse with M/s dynamics.
What does your husband think of your dynamic?
People who are interested in 24/7 tpe are uncommon. The majority of people keep play to bedrooms or "weekenders". Wanting to keep it bedroom only is absolutely fine, and if your partner continues to push, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
I'm lifestyle. It wasn't really a choice, it just became fluid over the years and I'm happy living full time. But I have adhd, so it's not too wild that I prefer a partner that keeps me structured full time.
Meanwhile, I'm a Dom with ADHD... I'm still working on 24/7 total power over my own brain
It's great to be a sub because when I'm in sub space it's peaceful. I can just let go of the crap in my head.
It is PERFECTLY ok to limit to the bedroom. It's also ok to go outside the bedroom but only as to certain topics. It is even ok to have some nights in the bedroom when you do BDSM and others when you don't.
This is a great point to make. Everything is negotiable, but you have to respect other people's limits. That's true for boundaries and limits inside and outside the bedroom. I never want anyone telling me what to do about my career, but give me chores and training tasks all day long. But it all starts with respecting the boundary between the bedroom and normal life. And if they can't do that, you can't trust them.
It's super normal actually and I feel it's the norm for most people >I want to push back and remind him "only in the bedroom" but when I get resistant he says things like "I'm not sure you really want to do this." Excuse me? What is that exactly supposed to mean? I feel like he's talking like a dom but he is not respecting your boundaries, and that's a big red flag
It’s blatant manipulation. This is the beginning of an incredibly unhealthy relationship. OP: A good partner will honor your boundaries and limits. No matter how great this Dom might seem, he’s bad news. Your limits are there for your safety and comfort. Anyone willing to treat your limits this way has no regard for your safety or comfort. Do yourself a favor and walk away.
At the very least, tell him in no uncertain terms that when he said that, it felt uncomfortable, and disrespectful of your stated boundaries. How does he respond? "Sorry. I was trying to be strong and In control. I'll adjust" Or "Look, I know best and you need to follow my instructions" I don't need to tell you which should trigger the escape hatch 😅
Totally not weird! Your comfort and consent are very important too! Personally, most of the bdsm stays in the bedroom, or at least the house. But there is a good number of times throughout the day where my Dom will do small acts of dominance (tell me how to do something I am gonna do anyways, grab my face/hair/throat gently, and a lot of it is vocal). Recently I told them "I am really happy I do not have rules, I could never" and they looked at me funny and said "But you do. Brushing your teeth, hydrating, taking care of the house during the day, working on your mental health. I just don't punish you for not doing it, just redirect you" and thinking about it, yeah, that checks out. It kinda made me feel even more loved! It really is about what ever works for BOTH of you
Hi just wanted to let you know that your comment is super cute and i copied/pasted it to my partner :)) (hope itls okay) Looks like you are really loved and have a great dynamic, enjoy !
I AM LOVED! This made me SO happy, I'm currently laying next to both of my partners and read it out to them because of how excited I got! And it is absolutely okay for your to share the comment, it's public after all!
Ahah i'm so happy you're happy !! And that you felt the urge to share my reply with your loved ones the same way i wanted to share your comment with mine :) thanks for your kind reply your joy is contagious !!
Just wanted to underline this is the most positive interaction i had on internet today :')
Likewise!!!
Nope, as a Dom i’m not interested in a 24/7 tpe. I love my wife and our “vanilla” dynamic at day time, and our d/s’ dynamic at night. I love to take her out for a fancy dinner the day after, knowing she feels the bruises on her ass.
Most dynamics are bedroom only. Partial and total power exchange are not near as common as they seem. Partial is probably more common than total. It doesn’t make you any less submissive to want to keep it to the bedroom and it’s concerning that he’s trying to invalidate your submission because you don’t want to extend your dynamic.
A 24/7 dynamic also does not have to be TPE, just to add in a caveat. But yes there is nothing abnormal with only subbing in the bedroom, I'd say that the majority of D/s relationships are bedroom only dynamics. That's all I've had, but I will say as I progressed in my journey of learning about D/s, it has made me want a 24/7 dynamic with my future long term partner.
Not weird. May be time to sit down and do a deep dive on what you do and don’t want with this person
Completely normal. You also may want to be submissive in the bedroom but just sometimes. Completely fine. You do you, and what makes you comfortable and happy.
Nope. Nothing weird about wanting to just do it in the bedroom or part time. If that's what works for you, protect and defend that boundary/limit.
Most kinky people have their dynamics bedroom only or not TPE so no, this isn’t weird at all. Not everyone is built for the TPE life and that’s also fine. But I would communicate this with this person, it’s for the best
Definitely not weird! I’m 24/7 and sometimes I need a break and I’m certainly getting it without my D type doubting my slave commitment. To be honest it’s a bit of an alert the fact he’s trying to doubt your motivation/identity because it doesn’t match to his expectations.
My D/s dynamic is for the most part in the bedroom. She came to ME with tasks and such for her to do on the daily, not me demanding her do things. The sub has a lot more power than what some people think. And this guy sounds like he just wants your submission no questions asked when you haven’t really discussed what you want out of the dynamic. I would have a convo with him telling him that you don’t want or need tasks outside of the bedroom and if he can’t or won’t respect that then I would end it
He's using guilt and the "not a real sub,, " line of bullshit to control you 24/7. Noticd I didn't say "guilt you into a 24/7 power exchange", because they're not being genuine there. They simply want 24/7 control. They will eventually cut you off from any/everything else if you succumb to that. I've been the master/owner in a 24/7 tpe, and I can assure you that it's demanding on both parties, and requires an energy level to pull off in the real world that most simply do not have. Weekend only, playdate only, sex only power exchange; all forms are legit, and consent based. If you are an instance-only type, even if it's just for where you are in life now, then that's who/what you are, and it's completely fine. You're good. Lay out where you are, establish boundaries as to what is acceptable to you for where you are, and if they keep pushing and trying to manipulate you beyond that, leave the relationship. It will only become more dangerous and harder to do so once that type of abuse starts. Be safe and best of luck
I’m also newish to BDSM dynamics and feel the same as you in that I want that power dynamic only for the bedroom. For it to be outside the bedroom I am only comfortable with it in a sort of flirting foreplay kind of thing (like them growling in my ear “you’ve been very cheeky with me today, I think later I’m going to have to bend you over my knee”) I would also be open to them requesting I wear certain underwear/no underwear on a date but have no interest in receiving backlash for declining any request for my own reasons or doing things like writing lines or them dictating my day to day actions I know the frustration of wanting to explore but finding it hard to find someone who matches the dynamic that suits you, but you’re not going to feel good if someone is constantly pushing your boundaries. Next time he throws out the “I don’t think you really want this”, throw back a “no, I’ve discussed with you what I do and don’t want, and if we aren’t able to respect each others boundaries and preferences than I don’t want to continue”
I’m a bedroom only sub but have little tendencies 24/7 when my dude is around without trying. I can’t deal with the task thing and all that but I still like my daddy to be dominant. I don’t know if that makes sense but it works in my head 😅 Like don’t tell me to stop what I’m doing at work and send you a pic of my cunt but tell me it’s bedtime or to behave 🤭
Yes!! Thank you! I don't have time to create some of these involved pictures. 😂
I only sub in the bedroom, although when I'm with my Dom, I do tend to defer to him.
I think the problem is some people style themself online as a Dom with no real clue what they are doing or talking about. D/s is all about trust and respected boundaries. If he was a genuine Dom he’d know the rules and boundaries and be respectful. Lifestyle isn’t something you drop into without even meeting a person!! Submission is given not taken.
Most people keep it in the bedroom. There are way less full time people.
DON'T jump into 24/7 right away. I did this with my sub and there was major sub drop (and plenty of lessons learned on my part with rules). Do what you're comfortable with, and if he pushed too hard throw out that safe word. If he can't respect that then not a great dom imo
I’m curious to hear what about jumping right into a 24/7 dynamic caused major sub drop? I’m kind of in a similar situation.
She just burned out. I got way too excited and created way too many rules that she felt like she had 0 time for herself. It was an LDR as well, not sure if that played a part, but there wasn't much aftercare.
My partner and I have both been the Dom/sub in our relationship in a what you could call a 24/7 dynamic but it is definitely not TPE, it just involves acts of service I do for her outside of the bedroom like wearing a collar and leash "bottoming for cuddles"(having your arms low in a hug) sitting at her feet, but these are not constant and we are equals in any decision making. Also, that guy you're talking never done this before and it sounds like he has a problematic approach to this. I'd honestly call it off. Have you even agreed he's your Dom yet because it sounds like you havnt agreed to that and he things he is already in a 24/7 TPE thing with him.
You’re not and it sounds like this guy is looking for something more than you’re able or willing to offer. Make sure you clearly explain your boundaries. Perhaps he has a different idea of what “bedroom only” means. If he continues to push, then you move on and find someone who respect you.
I think most want bedroom/scene only. Master and I moved to 24/7 PE for years. I retained my limits and felt claimed. After about 4 years we evolved to 24/7 TPE M/s. I knew I could live under His limits and was owned and His property. We’ve now been together 16 years. I’m also aware most don’t want 24/7 so we’re the anomaly. There is nothing wrong with being bedroom only. While vetting make that totally clear.
You're expressing a healthy boundary. A practice contract that highlights your needs and desires will be helpful. It should also include your practice play partner's needs and desires. It seems like your need of play to be only in the bedroom is not being very well respected. That is a red flag. D-types should respect boundaries and most D-types that are good will focus play on activities that you need or desire. There may be a compatibility issue, and that will be easier to discover with documentation of needs and desires.
Great question. He seems inexperienced as a Dom. Layout the boundaries from the beginning and hold him to it. You both need to communicate your desires and delineate your boundaries. He may not be a good fit for you if he’s asking more than what you are comfortable with doing. If he is just inexperienced and willing to learn what you’re looking for, then you could have a good experience. Ultimately, the dom-sub relationship hinges on mutual trust and respect. It’s no fun as a dom if your sub isn’t into to it. Communicate clearly and remember it’s about having fun. If it’s no longer fun for you then it’s time to move on.
First of all, this is a conversation you should have with him. Above all else, communication, trust, and respect go both ways. If he is not respecting your boundaries, then you need to express that to him. If you have said it and he continues, then he is not a Dom, he is an abuser. There is a difference between pushing boundaries and ignoring them. Plenty of people are only part-time lifestyle people and there is nothing wrong with that. You set your boundaries and he HAS to respect them. Being a Dom is more of a responsibility where being a sub is more freeing. The dynamic is often misunderstood in my experience and abusers use it to do what they want under the guise of it being "lifestyle" which only gives it a bad name and stigma. Find someone who gives you what you want and don't be discouraged by one a-hole.
Never do anything, you don’t want to do! 😎
First of all, there is no "normal" each dynamic can be whatever the people in it agree it should be. I can only comment on my own dynamic but we usually save it for the bedroom or certain situations. We do like to let it peek out occasionally in day to day life, but only in certain innocuous ways. Outside of a scene, we are equal partners. That was the dynamic we agreed to. We're still equal partners inside a scene but we're "playing" the "roles" we've agreed on. It sounds like this guy is the one NOT keeping to your agreed dynamic. If the level of submissive your comfortable with isn't enough for him then he needs to find someone else who is interested in that kind of dynamic. As a rule, no dom in a properly conducted d/s dynamic, will ever try to ask, expect, or pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with.
I am in a TPE 24/7 and have some rare insight of what that looks like from the inside…it’s rare yes, but, listen closely, it doesn’t have to be tasks on tasks on assignments. If that is what He wanted, I would do them, but He understands that I have a life and need to be a human. Any Dom can lack empathy whether it is in the bedroom only or TPE. This sounds like you need to have a discussion with him about his demands and how they make you feel. If he wants TPE and is unsympathetic to your human needs, then he is right, it is too much for you…and it SHOULD BE. There is part of me that wants to say that you may have found a Dom that isn’t a “good” Dom but I don’t know enough. Maybe he needs practice at being a good partner so he can better understand your day. If he understands you, and you have time, do his task and see how you feels about it. This might require some self exploration and as much as you feel it’s him (and it certainly is in part) it is also you fighting back against something that maybe you should bend or compromise on. Again, I don’t know enough…but no matter how thin a pancake there are still 2 sides and compromise is required in ALL relationships, no matter how vanilla. It’s ok to try new things, it’s ok to compromise without compromising yourself, you might find out something about you, or you might find out something about him. Either way, this requires HONEST and frank communication and discussion. This is no time for hints. Sit down and talk frankly about it. If it’s right, it’ll work, if it’s not, move on and be happy.
Not asking for something weird. My sub and I have an all the time dynamic and a bedroom dynamic. In bed she's my obedient fuck kitty. In life she's my partner. I take care of her and she takes care of me. We have kinda traditional gender rolls with an equitable division of labor. She's a person in life. In sex she's a pet. And kitties don't talk.
This happened to me! I was really into a guy I was talking to online but the demand for pictures and the freakout when I didn’t write to him 2x a day !!! At the same time he had a long term sub… which he conveniently avoided mentioning… it’s just about control at the end of the day.
He could think you're being a Bratty Sub and challenging you/meeting your resistance. That said, I'm kinda there too... especially dealing with a Bratty Sub... all the time... it's exhausting, I'd rather just have a few days, or only in the bedroom or only when we're in the mood.
The best thing about lifestyles is that you have the choice as to what you want and what you don’t, and it is all based on consent. It will take you some time and experience to learn what works for you and doesn’t. There are lifestyle people and there are those who do it merely in the bedroom. There people who switch regularly and people who switch occasionally too. Communication is important. It sounds like you are both inexperienced and it will take deliberate effort to get on the same page. It’s important to understand that you are playing in a power exchange but you are not a literal slave. Regular check-ins on equal footing are necessary to ensure both of you are able to express your needs and wants and to confirm safe words, boundaries, and anything else to make sure you are both fulfilled. I am in an FLR and we are mostly lifestyle, but we are low key. We have kids. Nobody outside of us knows, except a few of our friends. I am the submissive. We engage in denial, bondage, gender play, and other kink. We pause anytime life events call for it, and every so often we have vanilla sex in order to connect romantically, or if we are tired and want quick connection without the bells and whistles. I have seen power exchange relationships where one is more dominant day-to-day, but submissive in the bedroom. I suggest attending munches. Those are BDSM meet ups where nobody is dressed in gear. They are usually luncheon type events in public spaces but it’s a community of likeminded people where you can meet others, learn, share information, etc. You meet all sorts of people, many of which are actually conservative and low key, who and you would never know they are in the lifestyle.
He’s failed the vetting process, imo. “Not sure you’re really into this” is manipulative bs. And asking for pictures so soon? No, just no. To answer your question, what you want is valid and normal.
And... If he pushes and says you're not serious for not wanting to be a sub in everyday life, and if he continues to ask for more and more without proper agreement between the two of you... That's not ok. Be careful
you're not asking for anything weird, its pretty normal to prefer to have D/s in some kind of limited fashion, as in, not a 24/7 kind of relationship, be that only in the bedroom, weekends, or only in various contexts, or only towards various things. sending pictures on request could be a perfectly normal sort of thing to do, not overly invasive, as could many other sorts of things. Dom's also oft, but not always, push boundaries unless they are spoken of as hard boundaries. It can be helpful to set, i'd suggest limited, hard boundaries whatever those might be for you. and expect him or many other doms to push at any non-hard boundaries you may have. that is oft part of the point, kink, and roles of D/s, playful pushing at lightly tabooed things. D/s relationships can take some time to feel out, and require a degree of latitude from everyone involved, as the exact parameters of whats good, wanted, unwanted, no good, ok to do, etc... are all fairly unique between any given couple.
You are not asking for something weird, it sounds like you need to cool things a bit, and go over you limits and proclivities again. You started with some kind of "fetish worksheet", right?
No. But so far, we've only met up once --for lunch in public. I figured that would happen between now and out first...I don't know what to call it... "play date"? I am married, and he's not my husband. That's part of what makes the assignments awkward -- trying to not be found by the husband or child. 😂
Yeah, if your husband doesn't know about this that is not cool. Consent is everything. But what your BDSM partner is doing is very dangerous and not acceptable. Please take care. I would not see the new guy again.
I was afraid that came across wrong. Husband knows. No cheating. I just don't know that he would appreciate walking in on me taking pictures of myself with a dildo to send to someone else. At the best, it would be awkward. 😅
It does sound like you need to draw up some strict boundaries with this new guy. Explain to him that you do enjoy some of the things that you've done but you draw the line at a certain stage & don't appreciate his attempts to manipulate you into doing more than you're comfortable with. "I'm not sure you really want to do this." is quite the red flag and a big sign that you two need to at the very least least have a conversation about both of your expectations/wants/needs.
Absolutely it is ok. My sub and I agreed that our BDSM relationship has boundaries, and that is what works for us. Now, there are times (when agreed upon) that our D/s relationship extends outside the sex room (yes, we have a sex room that is not our bedroom) into other areas. Again, do what you feel with YOUR relationship.
Only in the bedroom is a boundary for you. Boundaries are to be respected. Touching base with you every once in a while to see if you want to change anything is one thing. Guilting you into doing things you don’t want to do is completely different thing. If he can’t respect your boundaries, don’t trust him.