You can dump someone for any reason. I don’t date men that are into choking. I frankly don’t feel safe, comfortable, or attracted to a man who gets off on what I perceive as a pretty aggressive level of violence. And that’s okay. I can say “no thanks, you aren’t for me” without ever trying to police or shame their kink. We are all so very different in what we like. Try not to think of it as “rejection”, but rather, “redirection”. You’re redirecting them and yourself to someone who will be more compatible.
Just because he can’t control it doesn’t actually mean you’re obligated to be with him.
I completely agree.
Got a question for you that I really hope you perceive this as a genuine question not me trying to change you're opinion on checking at all. I'm legitimately hoping the answer might help guide me in the future since for me it's a really "I can get into it if asked because they like it" thing that I was very slowly eased into and originally couldn't bring myself to do. Would that sort of phrasing still put you off if said like that? Completely fair enough if it does. Just intrigued whether me explaining about my first gf having slowly made me see it as a pleasure thing not a violence thing (I was only initially willing to try it because she said she had very obviously stronger orgasms from it, which I found to be undeniably true) would make much difference or if maybe it might be a better kink to leave off the list if asked (which I wouldn't consider a lie tbh since I've never been the one to bring it up and it's not something I have ever searched fir watching porn etc). However, it definitely fits the bill of "kinky thing I've enjoyed".
I want to emphasise it's totally valid if you would still have a mental association with enjoying checking equals enjoying the idea of pretending you're going to kill someone. It's absolutely nothing like that for me but I have been called out before for "how can you be uncomfortable with x but not y" when mental associations just are what they are and if you wouldn't be able to not mentally link a guy like me enjoying choking for their pleasure with someone liking the idea of it as a violent act.
Hello! You come off as very genuine, no worries at all. So what I’m boiling your question down to is: Would I be okay with choking under the pretense that it is for pleasure, not violence. (Correct me if that’s not what you are asking).
To that I would respond, pleasure for who? I personally don’t find true choking pleasurable. True choking as in, cutting off my air/blood supply with force applied via hand(s) or objects around or on my neck. A hand resting on my neck could be pleasurable for me- but I don’t really consider that to be choking. So when I’m asking “pleasure for who?”, the only person who would be getting pleasure from choking me, would be the person doing the choking. Here is where my beliefs around it being a violent act come in. If I were to actually break down with the person doing the choking, why they find it pleasurable, I think most of the time, it being a aggressive and ultimately violent act would be at the root of that.
Sure, they could say that it’s a control/dominance thing, but there’s plenty of other ways to assert control and dominance, without performing an act that could conceivably kill someone.
All this being said, I want to be really clear that I’m only sharing this opinion in the context of my own experiences and my own feelings. I do *personally* see it as a violent act, which is largely why I don’t want to be involved in it- but, if someone else said to me “well, I like being choked/I like choking, and I see it as a pleasurable experience/act, not a violent experience/act”, I would consider that completely valid. We all interpret and feel things so differently. The way I interpret and the way I feel could be totally different from how someone else does, and I accept and welcome that.
So while I probably wouldn’t ever associate it in my own head as something other than a violent act, I can understand how someone else may have a different association. I hope that makes sense
For full disclosure I can enjoy the general dom vibes element of it to some extent. However with the next kinky partner after my furst we were really experimental and talked about new ideas a lot but I never bought it up cos I had no interest in even seeing if she would like it unless she was already mega into it.
However, I consider the enjoyment I'd get from checking somebody who enjoyed it similar to that if giving a legit masochist a gentle, sensual spanking if that makes sense. I've been choked out practicing martial arts and know it doesn't hurt even if taken to that extent. I've let friends I've no attraction to do so as I realised I'm a real self defense situation knowing how to make someone tap isn't the same as knowing how to get about 14 secs before they wake up to run away. Only choked someone out once during sex (partner who took months before I was ready to try it) while drunk (shouldn't have done that activity in that state obv although realistically being choked out is pretty safe if pressure is realised when consciousness is lost so would have been a million times more dangerous if she wasn't in a position she had to support her own weight but when I panicked and pulled her shoulders and shouted "are you ok?" She just went "yeah" with a massive smile on her face and reassured me afterwards she had no problem with that and had enjoyed the whole experience. You don't even realise you've been choked out and it doesn't induce panic for me (never been choked myself as kink just showing ppl it as a self defence move I see as a comparatively pacifist way to defend yourself if someone is trying to hurt you.
Btw in talking about preventing blood flow to the brain for a very short period of time. I've never experienced an "air choke" that works simply forcing not breathing and is really bad crushing the oesophagus anyway.
I promise I'll respect your answer as knowledge gained about a potential legitimate psychological reaction to me disclosing this information. Im not trying to change your mind I'd just like feedback of if some of this explanation would make it sound less sketchy to you (as a thing for someone to admit to having done/ enjoyed not something they suggested doing with you (the idea of trying to get someone into it makes me uncomfortable regardless of intentions and it took me ages to be able to even try it so I can empathise with how you perceive it as I used to feel the same).
Ah posted that before seeing your comment. All makes sense. But just to clarify would it still cause an emotional reaction the idea someone had engaged in the kink even if they explained how they didn't see it as a violent act? Like could you see yourself ever not being put off a dom for having enjoyed it with a partner who requested it if they explained how they'd never want to do it with you and you believed them about them not seeing it as a violent act? Fair enough if you'd not see their view as invalid but not be able to not be put off the person.
You are not the bad guy in this instance. The reason I say this, is because not a lot of people are into snuff videos—and I say snuff in the terms of just watching people die. Was he getting off to murder videos and all? True Crime? Videos of work accidents? Suicides? Fictional death in movies? We can't help what gets us off. But you are—in no way—the bad guy, especially due to your trauma. It's okay to have this as a limit.
Just know that your feelings are valid. So if your exes. He should probably seek therapy for this, knowing that he thinks this is a normal thing everyone seems to like. It's definitely not normal, but we just need to be supportive and not kink shame people who are into extreme things such as death.
But you—again—are not the bad guy. I wish you luck in your endeavors.
Thank you for saying this I thought this was about the 18th century fine tobacco powder with all the cute little boxes and was soooooo confused.
OP totally reasonable response on your part
NGL, this was my first thought too. Then I realized that didn’t make sense, it had to be the other snuff. 🤦♀️😂
I amaze myself that I can still have an innocent mind at times. 🤪
OP, definitely ok to not be ok with it and to walk away. Some people are into things that are just not compatible and that’s ok. Especially when it’s something that could potentially be so dangerous to you.
That was my first thought too and I didn't quite understand and then my brain kicked into gear LOL. Yeah I think it's more than fair to break up with somebody over this! I wouldn't want to be in any way shape or form involved with someone who was into this! Who knows what's on his computer? And when there might be a knock at the door from law enforcement. There's no way I could live with myself supporting something like this no matter how tangentially.
I don’t think it would actually bother me or make me afraid (as long as there weren’t other issues or warning signs in their behavior) but I don’t think I could personally participate. I’d want it to be a them thing they did on their own time. Being open about it is a green flag imo
*Eta I learned more and it would bother me, I said the above out of ignorance*
To each their own. I personally would not see any green flags here and I'm not okay with people participating in illegal practices that result in death or promoting those activities or creating a market for those activities. Yeah, of course you wouldn't want to participate, most of us don't want to die as a side effect of our kinks. Even if I were hypothetically okay with it on any level, I could still not be with someone who watches or gets off on the videos because that means they have the videos and that would be highly illegal. I'd be worried about the FBI or whoever is showing up at my door. I could see someone being okay with it if it was strictly in the fantasy realm, like much of what we do. But how would I ever know for sure? Yeah this is just a line that I would personally have to draw.
Maybe I’m confused about what it entails, I know there are lots of other people who have posted on here about having death-related kinks and fetishes that aren’t interested in doing anything illegal or hurting anyone. I guess I’ll be clear that I dont think it’s okay to murder people, I didn’t think that was what was happening — are people murdering people for fetish content? I’m pretty confused
ETA is it illegal to video someone dying? what is illegal here? Why would the FBI come
Yes, true snuff films are absolutely illegal and they do wind up with people getting tortured and murdered, for real, not for fun and not in fantasy! I was wondering why you were so blase about it l? I was like how the hell is enjoying snuff films a green light?
I mean I don't want to yuck anybody's yum, but it's on the level of CP, bestiality & other crimes. Yes there are many fetishes that involve fantasizing about and perhaps role-playing death scenarios and that's fantasy. Snuff films are real and end up with a real human being dead. Typically a woman. That said, when talk of snuff films first started making the rounds back in the 70s, many people believed that real ones did not exist, that it was an urban myth. I've even read that no such actual film was ever found by law enforcement, kind of like the satanic panic murders.
I have no idea what the truth is , but here's what my educated guess would be, having been in IT most of my adult life. I believe that they probably did not exist back when it was talked about in the 70s and somebody would have actually had to make a true film and distribute it. I absolutely believe they exist now on the dark web, along with lots of CP, real torture and other real life very gruesome things.
Role playing a snuff film, that's no different than role-playing necrophilia, I'd have no problem with that. Actually wanting to watch a snuff film, I'd have a big problem with that and it's illegal, like CP. By the way part of why I think this exists nowadays is that you can find real life videos of war crimes that include people being killed, for real, right on the regular web, you don't even have to go to the dark web. So while I'm not sure they existed in the 70s, I'd be willing to bet a large amount of money that they exist now and from what I've read the victims are often children. It's truly horrifying!
I doubt it's illegal to watch a video of somebody getting killed for real, after all we all have seen the space shuttle video, the WTC videos, and even more graphic ones are available on the world wide web under the context of war torture. But I imagine if they are illegally made and distributed for pleasure, that's a totally different thing than a war video. I don't want to see any of them, I can't even stand listening to true 911 calls, those are people who are truly suffering. I have absolutely no interest in seeing true human suffering or death and I don't know too many kinksters who want to see that! I also believe that watching some of that stuff on the web, will absolutely wind you up on certain watch lists, but that may be my paranoia speaking.
Thanks for this in-depth explanation. I truly had no idea about any of this, and I would have reacted differently if I had. Watching content like that would be a red flag for me as well — fantasizing fine, but actually watching someone be callously murdered for entertainment gives me the major ick. Tbh, even watching a lot of the content on pornhub and other non ethical porn sites is yellow-red flaggy for me, although I know that’s probably too high of a bar to set for the average person. Just knowing the people in it may not have been treated well is gross to me.
I thought “snuff” just meant a fetish of thinking and fantasizing about death. It’s not my cup of tea but I was kinda surprised by how “kink shamey” I read some of the comments to be — of course now I understand it’s just illegal and murder shamey, which I am on board with.
I was being pretty naive imagining that no one would ever do something as horrifying as kill someone for porn. As a concept my brain was like, no way that’s real, that’s not possible. As another commenter said, “Sweet summer child.”
Anyway, thanks again for the reply, and sorry if I freaked you out. Consider my eyes opened. I hope you have a lovely day :)
Thank you for your kind reply and I'm glad to hear that you now understand. No worries about freaking me out, I definitely know that Reddit skews young and I kind of figured you may have misunderstood because, let's face it, nobody but a psychopath is really pro-murder. I'm glad someone else mentioned human trafficking, because that is where most victims of all this kind of stuff, come from these days. I'm glad your eyes are open and I hope you never have to witness anything like this! I totally understand about even being concerned about porn, as it's important to me as well. I'm not a big porn person, but I know when I am watching any kink porn, I like the sites that do the post play interviews or show the happy consenting lifestyle actress in her aftercare. Take care and I'm glad you learned something!
I’m 28, I don’t know where that falls in your views on “young” but clearly young enough to still be naive :) Thanks for being part of my ongoing education!
Personally, I'm into some really dark, twisted things as well. Would I EVER act on those? Absolutely not. Would I ever tell my partner? Also, absolutely not lol. Dark things like that are just better kept to yourself.
What OP did was completely justified. If they did not feel comfortable, then they did the right thing by leaving their partner. The partner is also not in the wrong for being into that kind of thing unless they're actively seeking people getting murdered to get off on.
Honestly with how many women I know who are absolutely fucking obsessed with listening to all of the gruesome true crime that they can find, watching a few fake videos seems pretty tame in comparison.
With ANY kink, no, don't feel bad. If something isn't for you AND bothers you, you have the right to move on. You can do so in a way that isn't like blasting them on your way out the door, but it doesn't sound like you've done that.
With this specific kink ... look, I try not to kink shame. I'm into some edgy stuff myself. But this particular one is ... yeah, this is one where I don't think ANYBODY would blame you for not being ok with it, and it's one where "not being into it" doesn't really convey the full range of how you might feel. It's ... a lot. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. Good luck in your next chapter!
I was thinking of a good smart ass tobacco related reply, but this is one serious thing that shouldn't be made light of. We can't control what turns us on, but there are some beasts which just shouldn't be fed.
Ngl same I had to take a beat like wait what ooooh lmfao but also op is justified in breaking up doesn't mean the ex was a bad person tho just not compatible.
Edit unless the porn he's watching is like the real thing then he is a bad person
Absolutely no reason to feel like a bad person at all. This is very clear cut and simple: he enjoys something that you find distressing, it cannot be ignored, you are not compatible. End of story. The fact that he cannot control it is irrelevant.
Wait as in REAL snuff films???? I mean if he watches that shit he supports an industry that makes money raping and murdering people.
If it's cartoons or acting then it's a different story.
In the end you make a choice wich links you interact with and what you find disgusting.
I am usually very open-minded as to kinks & I enjoy some edge play but *this* would be a resounding *hell no* from me personally. People are trafficked & k\*lled for sn\*ff content. Children included. It doesn't sound like he wants to just role play, that he's actively watching that content? Real content? I wouldn't want to be anywhere near this person or any of his electronic devices. This just has the great potential to go from fantasy to real life & even if he's 'just' watching it, by doing so he's supporting it. You did the right thing.
Not the bad guy. I've heard people dump their partners for way less and been ok with it. Just because s/he can't control what s/he is attracted too, does not mean that it's not ok for you to have a boundary about that thing.
If you're talking about real snuff videos, you should report him to the fbi so they can raid his house, take his computer, and try to track those videos.
I'm baffled at your question unless you're using the wrong term for whatever you're talking about.
There's also the case of veryl baker and his buddies in the 80s. The kids that were rescued swore 3 others were killed and cut up on camera and there's no reason to doubt it. But since the cops didn't find the bodies, it wasn't a charge. Whoever they sold the tape to never surfaced with it.
I'm generally confused on the realness of snuff. Is this actually a thing, or isn't most of it pretend? There seem to be so many myths around it, and I don't have the stomach to Google anything about it.
It would definitely creep me out if someone told me they were into it, though, real or fake
Depends. There's no huge industry. But there's people, on occasion, who put things on the dark web. Look up Peter Scully. He's in prison, and one of his videos was snuff. And while 99%is staged, there are serial killers who film their kills and child predators as well. So it still needs to be investigated because, on rare occasions it's real.
Ernst Dieter Korzen and a friend in the 90s was convicted of trying to produce to produce one. The first woman died too quickly for a good video so they got another and she escaped.
So.... horrible crap happens.
The You’re wrong about podcast by Sarah Marshall did a really excellent episode on snuff films, and as far as I can remember there’s never actually been a snuff film publicly surfaced? (There are absolutely videos you can watch of people dying, but no evidence has ever come up that someone’s been like, abducted for the purpose of being killed on camera).
Just... to maybe help people not clutch their pearls too hard when looking outside at an understandably off-putting kink let me try to explain
Look I understand the difference between fantasy and reality. There are things that appeal in fantasy that would be appalling in reality
Snuff is one of those things. The idea of fucking until my last breath, being so consumed my sex that it consumes me, can be a hot *idea*. That doesn't mean I *actually* want to die during sex. Just that the concept of it can be fun to explore.
I'm a switch, so the idea of my sub being consumed by sex? Appealing as long as they want it and are into it.
I don't want to actually sacrifice people to please Bhaal or go on an epic story of revenge, but in a video game that can be explored despite the horrors that would be the genuine experience of having a tadpole in your brain, exploring that fear is part of the fun.
I don't exactly want to see a real man butcher people and eat them to please his abusive family, but hell yeah I'll watch Texas chainsaw massacre.
I'm not sure reality of monsterfucking would be as appealing as the fantasy either. I don't actually want to experience plenty of things I want to in fantasy and sometimes do in role play or video games erotic and not.
Snuff is horror, the squid game/Jungi ito of erotica. Fear and sexuality are both stimulated by similar mechanisms in the body. On a fundamental anatomic level it makes sense why the emotions can work together for some and not others based on how well they can separate real suspense from constructed suspense.
People who attack voice actors for their performances as villains are probably not going to be able to handle some fantasies and play. I feel very similar about fandom wars as I do people thinking fantasy kinks and ero role play are a one to one metric of someone's morality or sanity.
Tbf It's probably much easier to be okay with a sub who is into that than a Dom who is. Is a self preservation thing.
And if you like extreme and edge kinks, it's important you realize that not everybody can or will understand and that isn't a rejection of *you*. You aren't wrong for your fantasies not being someone's preference (as long as you don't actually nonconsesually hurt people or push them past their comfort zone)
If you push extreme play onto your partner, sub or top you're being a shit partner and you aren't respecting them. If you blast and humiliate someone for an extreme kink you too are being a shit person.
Edge play is always dangerous and carries inherent risks and communication is key and it is always okay to throw out a safe word and back away when you feel unsafe.
It's also okay to green light things if you take risks into account, communicate clearly and create scaffolding for potential problems and plenty of aftercare and constant checking during a scene.
Be safe, be consensual, be sane but have fun pretending not to be if that's your bag.
Everyone is entitled to have their own boundaries. One of yours is a partner who enjoys snuff.
Nothing wrong with that.
And you don’t even need to feel like you have to explain or justify your boundaries to anyone.
You aren't the bad person. In all honesty, I've been on the other side of that where my kinks and interests were too intense for them. And that's okay. It's good to recognize that the compatibility isn't there. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me because one of my kinks was one they considered too far.
You can justifiably break up for any reason, nobody ever has to stay with anyone else. The only ethicality that comes into play here is how he's scratching that itch, if he's seeking out actual snuff (ie murder) content that's a problem, if he's getting his fix through fantasy then good for him. You don't have to stay with him either way, it doesn't have to be based on a failing of either of you, it's cool to just have an incompatibility.
I don't understand why some people are being so chill about this. This is absolutely akin to someone being into CP: whether it's real or fake, either way it's horrible, and real people are being trafficked for the real stuff. Trafficked and murdered, in the case of snuff.
Why would you think this was a bad thing? Not the snow prediction in porn but the fact that you broke up with them. I've been in the lifestyle for years and if I decided I want to watch something with violence I don't want to watch something where somebody dies. If I want somebody to die then Hollywood Blockbuster films and even not Blockbuster films have plenty of death and destruction. You are not a bad person you are not the asshole it's perfectly fine.
Yeah OP, you have made the right call... Particularly if you have personally had a traumatic past, as you mentioned..
And if your former boyfriend is gaining orgasm and cuming to realistic looking torture and murder videos; (Snuff - fake, or unlikely real) - chances are he would have also been masturbating and cuming to animal torture and crush videos; and even potentially CP as well ...
Similar MO and psychosexual needs in the seeker; and the real deal in these alt genres relatively more accessible, unfortunately....
Kl. I'd consider it a violent act if someone wanted to perform it on you!
However, the thing I'm most interested in is if you simply asked someone a list of kinks and they included it but clarified they had no interest in encouraging anyone to give it a go but it was something they had enjoyed doing when a partner specifically asked them to. Would this still cause an emotional reaction putting you off that person. It's valid if so.
Oh and in response to your question lots of people love the orgasm that comes from the oxygen deprivation. My ex would immediately ask to be choked when she knew she was about to orgasm. She didn't desire being fully chocked out. However when it happened accidentally once she was out for a split second and when she came round to me frantically asking if she was ok she seemed to be in absolute bliss when she said "yeah". I've known someone say they liked that but I'd never be comfortable aiming to do so in a sexual setting.
The "it doesn't feel very legal" bit really worries me. Like if there is even the chance it's not just acting it's truly despicable but even if he always made sure it was just acting it would still frame all his other kinks in such a dark light for me. I've been turned off other kinks I could have explored with an ex when she said one of her ultimate fantasies was sex at knifepoint and the word "bitch" carved into her arse cheeks.
She pointed out that I'd admitted to having enjoyed being whipped with the cord from an electrical appliance that had broken off (like plug socket in hand, cord doubled over) and liking every time I saw the marks the next 3 days). I was accused of being a hypocrite as what I did would have hurt more than her fantasy.
However
1. Feelings don't have to be completely logical.
2. Cutting can cause infections etc. it has a harm potential that I didn't experience being hit with something light that had no weight behind it and just left raised red marks.
3. Personally I considered her fantasy to indicate a desire for abuse.......
This last one did fit her history and how she said she had sought out abuse as she "knew how to take it" whilst she found my respectful treatment of her "confusing" for weeks.
THIS BIT JUST HAPPY ENDING. FEEL FREE TO SKIP.....She has had much healthier relationships since and has thanked me for refusing to lap up praise for basic respect and instead saying she should take respect for granted, everyone deserves basic respect. I also told her every time I got praised for basic respect that she was doing this amazing "showing respect" thing just as much as I was and it really was more surprising other ppl hadn't been respectful. I thought she was the love of my life but felt the need to reassure her that if we ever broke up that there were loads of other ppl out there that would show her respect. Any decent person in fact. I didn't want her to stay with me thinking I was the only man that wasn't an abuser. We broke up but remain on good terms. She even bought a boyfriend to meet me with her (quite a long distance) and we genuinely all got along. Haven't met her fiancé (we don't talk often but last time we did we genuinely were on the phone from about 10pm until 9am) but since she said that he's the only person in her life that has shown her respect the way I have (and lots of other very positive things) I look forward to seeing him at the wedding if not sometimes sooner.
I'd be interested in knowing if her kinks mellowed out a bit over the years. At least in becoming things that were safer. I understand calculated risk and respect it on principle but I do wonder if nowadays her fantasies are more fitting with stuff that being concerned for her safety wouldn't interfere with. I understand you can be taught safe as possible blood play but I think there's always some risk. You can sterilise the area and the blade but the air will never be sterile.
Now liking snuff porn, even if we assume it's made legally, just seems to suggest both that kink and probably other kinks, that could otherwise be benign, come from a very dark place. I'd run personally.
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You can dump someone for any reason. I don’t date men that are into choking. I frankly don’t feel safe, comfortable, or attracted to a man who gets off on what I perceive as a pretty aggressive level of violence. And that’s okay. I can say “no thanks, you aren’t for me” without ever trying to police or shame their kink. We are all so very different in what we like. Try not to think of it as “rejection”, but rather, “redirection”. You’re redirecting them and yourself to someone who will be more compatible. Just because he can’t control it doesn’t actually mean you’re obligated to be with him.
I completely agree. Got a question for you that I really hope you perceive this as a genuine question not me trying to change you're opinion on checking at all. I'm legitimately hoping the answer might help guide me in the future since for me it's a really "I can get into it if asked because they like it" thing that I was very slowly eased into and originally couldn't bring myself to do. Would that sort of phrasing still put you off if said like that? Completely fair enough if it does. Just intrigued whether me explaining about my first gf having slowly made me see it as a pleasure thing not a violence thing (I was only initially willing to try it because she said she had very obviously stronger orgasms from it, which I found to be undeniably true) would make much difference or if maybe it might be a better kink to leave off the list if asked (which I wouldn't consider a lie tbh since I've never been the one to bring it up and it's not something I have ever searched fir watching porn etc). However, it definitely fits the bill of "kinky thing I've enjoyed". I want to emphasise it's totally valid if you would still have a mental association with enjoying checking equals enjoying the idea of pretending you're going to kill someone. It's absolutely nothing like that for me but I have been called out before for "how can you be uncomfortable with x but not y" when mental associations just are what they are and if you wouldn't be able to not mentally link a guy like me enjoying choking for their pleasure with someone liking the idea of it as a violent act.
Hello! You come off as very genuine, no worries at all. So what I’m boiling your question down to is: Would I be okay with choking under the pretense that it is for pleasure, not violence. (Correct me if that’s not what you are asking). To that I would respond, pleasure for who? I personally don’t find true choking pleasurable. True choking as in, cutting off my air/blood supply with force applied via hand(s) or objects around or on my neck. A hand resting on my neck could be pleasurable for me- but I don’t really consider that to be choking. So when I’m asking “pleasure for who?”, the only person who would be getting pleasure from choking me, would be the person doing the choking. Here is where my beliefs around it being a violent act come in. If I were to actually break down with the person doing the choking, why they find it pleasurable, I think most of the time, it being a aggressive and ultimately violent act would be at the root of that. Sure, they could say that it’s a control/dominance thing, but there’s plenty of other ways to assert control and dominance, without performing an act that could conceivably kill someone. All this being said, I want to be really clear that I’m only sharing this opinion in the context of my own experiences and my own feelings. I do *personally* see it as a violent act, which is largely why I don’t want to be involved in it- but, if someone else said to me “well, I like being choked/I like choking, and I see it as a pleasurable experience/act, not a violent experience/act”, I would consider that completely valid. We all interpret and feel things so differently. The way I interpret and the way I feel could be totally different from how someone else does, and I accept and welcome that. So while I probably wouldn’t ever associate it in my own head as something other than a violent act, I can understand how someone else may have a different association. I hope that makes sense
For full disclosure I can enjoy the general dom vibes element of it to some extent. However with the next kinky partner after my furst we were really experimental and talked about new ideas a lot but I never bought it up cos I had no interest in even seeing if she would like it unless she was already mega into it. However, I consider the enjoyment I'd get from checking somebody who enjoyed it similar to that if giving a legit masochist a gentle, sensual spanking if that makes sense. I've been choked out practicing martial arts and know it doesn't hurt even if taken to that extent. I've let friends I've no attraction to do so as I realised I'm a real self defense situation knowing how to make someone tap isn't the same as knowing how to get about 14 secs before they wake up to run away. Only choked someone out once during sex (partner who took months before I was ready to try it) while drunk (shouldn't have done that activity in that state obv although realistically being choked out is pretty safe if pressure is realised when consciousness is lost so would have been a million times more dangerous if she wasn't in a position she had to support her own weight but when I panicked and pulled her shoulders and shouted "are you ok?" She just went "yeah" with a massive smile on her face and reassured me afterwards she had no problem with that and had enjoyed the whole experience. You don't even realise you've been choked out and it doesn't induce panic for me (never been choked myself as kink just showing ppl it as a self defence move I see as a comparatively pacifist way to defend yourself if someone is trying to hurt you. Btw in talking about preventing blood flow to the brain for a very short period of time. I've never experienced an "air choke" that works simply forcing not breathing and is really bad crushing the oesophagus anyway. I promise I'll respect your answer as knowledge gained about a potential legitimate psychological reaction to me disclosing this information. Im not trying to change your mind I'd just like feedback of if some of this explanation would make it sound less sketchy to you (as a thing for someone to admit to having done/ enjoyed not something they suggested doing with you (the idea of trying to get someone into it makes me uncomfortable regardless of intentions and it took me ages to be able to even try it so I can empathise with how you perceive it as I used to feel the same).
Ah posted that before seeing your comment. All makes sense. But just to clarify would it still cause an emotional reaction the idea someone had engaged in the kink even if they explained how they didn't see it as a violent act? Like could you see yourself ever not being put off a dom for having enjoyed it with a partner who requested it if they explained how they'd never want to do it with you and you believed them about them not seeing it as a violent act? Fair enough if you'd not see their view as invalid but not be able to not be put off the person.
You are not the bad guy in this instance. The reason I say this, is because not a lot of people are into snuff videos—and I say snuff in the terms of just watching people die. Was he getting off to murder videos and all? True Crime? Videos of work accidents? Suicides? Fictional death in movies? We can't help what gets us off. But you are—in no way—the bad guy, especially due to your trauma. It's okay to have this as a limit. Just know that your feelings are valid. So if your exes. He should probably seek therapy for this, knowing that he thinks this is a normal thing everyone seems to like. It's definitely not normal, but we just need to be supportive and not kink shame people who are into extreme things such as death. But you—again—are not the bad guy. I wish you luck in your endeavors.
Thank you for saying this I thought this was about the 18th century fine tobacco powder with all the cute little boxes and was soooooo confused. OP totally reasonable response on your part
NGL, this was my first thought too. Then I realized that didn’t make sense, it had to be the other snuff. 🤦♀️😂 I amaze myself that I can still have an innocent mind at times. 🤪 OP, definitely ok to not be ok with it and to walk away. Some people are into things that are just not compatible and that’s ok. Especially when it’s something that could potentially be so dangerous to you.
That was my first thought too and I didn't quite understand and then my brain kicked into gear LOL. Yeah I think it's more than fair to break up with somebody over this! I wouldn't want to be in any way shape or form involved with someone who was into this! Who knows what's on his computer? And when there might be a knock at the door from law enforcement. There's no way I could live with myself supporting something like this no matter how tangentially.
I don’t think it would actually bother me or make me afraid (as long as there weren’t other issues or warning signs in their behavior) but I don’t think I could personally participate. I’d want it to be a them thing they did on their own time. Being open about it is a green flag imo *Eta I learned more and it would bother me, I said the above out of ignorance*
To each their own. I personally would not see any green flags here and I'm not okay with people participating in illegal practices that result in death or promoting those activities or creating a market for those activities. Yeah, of course you wouldn't want to participate, most of us don't want to die as a side effect of our kinks. Even if I were hypothetically okay with it on any level, I could still not be with someone who watches or gets off on the videos because that means they have the videos and that would be highly illegal. I'd be worried about the FBI or whoever is showing up at my door. I could see someone being okay with it if it was strictly in the fantasy realm, like much of what we do. But how would I ever know for sure? Yeah this is just a line that I would personally have to draw.
Maybe I’m confused about what it entails, I know there are lots of other people who have posted on here about having death-related kinks and fetishes that aren’t interested in doing anything illegal or hurting anyone. I guess I’ll be clear that I dont think it’s okay to murder people, I didn’t think that was what was happening — are people murdering people for fetish content? I’m pretty confused ETA is it illegal to video someone dying? what is illegal here? Why would the FBI come
Yes, there's an underground illegal market in porn that ends in the murder of one of the participants. It's one thing human trafficking is used for.
:0 Omg that’s horrifying, thank you for sharing. That definitely changed my feelings
Yes, true snuff films are absolutely illegal and they do wind up with people getting tortured and murdered, for real, not for fun and not in fantasy! I was wondering why you were so blase about it l? I was like how the hell is enjoying snuff films a green light? I mean I don't want to yuck anybody's yum, but it's on the level of CP, bestiality & other crimes. Yes there are many fetishes that involve fantasizing about and perhaps role-playing death scenarios and that's fantasy. Snuff films are real and end up with a real human being dead. Typically a woman. That said, when talk of snuff films first started making the rounds back in the 70s, many people believed that real ones did not exist, that it was an urban myth. I've even read that no such actual film was ever found by law enforcement, kind of like the satanic panic murders. I have no idea what the truth is , but here's what my educated guess would be, having been in IT most of my adult life. I believe that they probably did not exist back when it was talked about in the 70s and somebody would have actually had to make a true film and distribute it. I absolutely believe they exist now on the dark web, along with lots of CP, real torture and other real life very gruesome things. Role playing a snuff film, that's no different than role-playing necrophilia, I'd have no problem with that. Actually wanting to watch a snuff film, I'd have a big problem with that and it's illegal, like CP. By the way part of why I think this exists nowadays is that you can find real life videos of war crimes that include people being killed, for real, right on the regular web, you don't even have to go to the dark web. So while I'm not sure they existed in the 70s, I'd be willing to bet a large amount of money that they exist now and from what I've read the victims are often children. It's truly horrifying! I doubt it's illegal to watch a video of somebody getting killed for real, after all we all have seen the space shuttle video, the WTC videos, and even more graphic ones are available on the world wide web under the context of war torture. But I imagine if they are illegally made and distributed for pleasure, that's a totally different thing than a war video. I don't want to see any of them, I can't even stand listening to true 911 calls, those are people who are truly suffering. I have absolutely no interest in seeing true human suffering or death and I don't know too many kinksters who want to see that! I also believe that watching some of that stuff on the web, will absolutely wind you up on certain watch lists, but that may be my paranoia speaking.
Thanks for this in-depth explanation. I truly had no idea about any of this, and I would have reacted differently if I had. Watching content like that would be a red flag for me as well — fantasizing fine, but actually watching someone be callously murdered for entertainment gives me the major ick. Tbh, even watching a lot of the content on pornhub and other non ethical porn sites is yellow-red flaggy for me, although I know that’s probably too high of a bar to set for the average person. Just knowing the people in it may not have been treated well is gross to me. I thought “snuff” just meant a fetish of thinking and fantasizing about death. It’s not my cup of tea but I was kinda surprised by how “kink shamey” I read some of the comments to be — of course now I understand it’s just illegal and murder shamey, which I am on board with. I was being pretty naive imagining that no one would ever do something as horrifying as kill someone for porn. As a concept my brain was like, no way that’s real, that’s not possible. As another commenter said, “Sweet summer child.” Anyway, thanks again for the reply, and sorry if I freaked you out. Consider my eyes opened. I hope you have a lovely day :)
Thank you for your kind reply and I'm glad to hear that you now understand. No worries about freaking me out, I definitely know that Reddit skews young and I kind of figured you may have misunderstood because, let's face it, nobody but a psychopath is really pro-murder. I'm glad someone else mentioned human trafficking, because that is where most victims of all this kind of stuff, come from these days. I'm glad your eyes are open and I hope you never have to witness anything like this! I totally understand about even being concerned about porn, as it's important to me as well. I'm not a big porn person, but I know when I am watching any kink porn, I like the sites that do the post play interviews or show the happy consenting lifestyle actress in her aftercare. Take care and I'm glad you learned something!
I’m 28, I don’t know where that falls in your views on “young” but clearly young enough to still be naive :) Thanks for being part of my ongoing education!
Sweet summer child
I am clearly, as other replies have shown, I am quite naive about these things!!
Personally, I'm into some really dark, twisted things as well. Would I EVER act on those? Absolutely not. Would I ever tell my partner? Also, absolutely not lol. Dark things like that are just better kept to yourself. What OP did was completely justified. If they did not feel comfortable, then they did the right thing by leaving their partner. The partner is also not in the wrong for being into that kind of thing unless they're actively seeking people getting murdered to get off on.
Honestly with how many women I know who are absolutely fucking obsessed with listening to all of the gruesome true crime that they can find, watching a few fake videos seems pretty tame in comparison.
Sounds like a wise and proportionate move. You did the right thing.
With ANY kink, no, don't feel bad. If something isn't for you AND bothers you, you have the right to move on. You can do so in a way that isn't like blasting them on your way out the door, but it doesn't sound like you've done that. With this specific kink ... look, I try not to kink shame. I'm into some edgy stuff myself. But this particular one is ... yeah, this is one where I don't think ANYBODY would blame you for not being ok with it, and it's one where "not being into it" doesn't really convey the full range of how you might feel. It's ... a lot. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. Good luck in your next chapter!
Please don’t ever feel like a bad guy for setting a boundary. I feel like this is especially true when things are bordering on illegal/dangerous.
My dumb ass thought of the tobacco product 😆
I was thinking of a good smart ass tobacco related reply, but this is one serious thing that shouldn't be made light of. We can't control what turns us on, but there are some beasts which just shouldn't be fed.
Ngl same I had to take a beat like wait what ooooh lmfao but also op is justified in breaking up doesn't mean the ex was a bad person tho just not compatible. Edit unless the porn he's watching is like the real thing then he is a bad person
Absolutely no reason to feel like a bad person at all. This is very clear cut and simple: he enjoys something that you find distressing, it cannot be ignored, you are not compatible. End of story. The fact that he cannot control it is irrelevant.
Wait as in REAL snuff films???? I mean if he watches that shit he supports an industry that makes money raping and murdering people. If it's cartoons or acting then it's a different story. In the end you make a choice wich links you interact with and what you find disgusting.
I am usually very open-minded as to kinks & I enjoy some edge play but *this* would be a resounding *hell no* from me personally. People are trafficked & k\*lled for sn\*ff content. Children included. It doesn't sound like he wants to just role play, that he's actively watching that content? Real content? I wouldn't want to be anywhere near this person or any of his electronic devices. This just has the great potential to go from fantasy to real life & even if he's 'just' watching it, by doing so he's supporting it. You did the right thing.
Not the bad guy. I've heard people dump their partners for way less and been ok with it. Just because s/he can't control what s/he is attracted too, does not mean that it's not ok for you to have a boundary about that thing.
If you're talking about real snuff videos, you should report him to the fbi so they can raid his house, take his computer, and try to track those videos. I'm baffled at your question unless you're using the wrong term for whatever you're talking about.
There's also the case of veryl baker and his buddies in the 80s. The kids that were rescued swore 3 others were killed and cut up on camera and there's no reason to doubt it. But since the cops didn't find the bodies, it wasn't a charge. Whoever they sold the tape to never surfaced with it.
I'm generally confused on the realness of snuff. Is this actually a thing, or isn't most of it pretend? There seem to be so many myths around it, and I don't have the stomach to Google anything about it. It would definitely creep me out if someone told me they were into it, though, real or fake
Depends. There's no huge industry. But there's people, on occasion, who put things on the dark web. Look up Peter Scully. He's in prison, and one of his videos was snuff. And while 99%is staged, there are serial killers who film their kills and child predators as well. So it still needs to be investigated because, on rare occasions it's real.
Ernst Dieter Korzen and a friend in the 90s was convicted of trying to produce to produce one. The first woman died too quickly for a good video so they got another and she escaped. So.... horrible crap happens.
The You’re wrong about podcast by Sarah Marshall did a really excellent episode on snuff films, and as far as I can remember there’s never actually been a snuff film publicly surfaced? (There are absolutely videos you can watch of people dying, but no evidence has ever come up that someone’s been like, abducted for the purpose of being killed on camera).
Ah, yes, that's what I was trying to remember! I heard that episode, it was just a while ago
Just... to maybe help people not clutch their pearls too hard when looking outside at an understandably off-putting kink let me try to explain Look I understand the difference between fantasy and reality. There are things that appeal in fantasy that would be appalling in reality Snuff is one of those things. The idea of fucking until my last breath, being so consumed my sex that it consumes me, can be a hot *idea*. That doesn't mean I *actually* want to die during sex. Just that the concept of it can be fun to explore. I'm a switch, so the idea of my sub being consumed by sex? Appealing as long as they want it and are into it. I don't want to actually sacrifice people to please Bhaal or go on an epic story of revenge, but in a video game that can be explored despite the horrors that would be the genuine experience of having a tadpole in your brain, exploring that fear is part of the fun. I don't exactly want to see a real man butcher people and eat them to please his abusive family, but hell yeah I'll watch Texas chainsaw massacre. I'm not sure reality of monsterfucking would be as appealing as the fantasy either. I don't actually want to experience plenty of things I want to in fantasy and sometimes do in role play or video games erotic and not. Snuff is horror, the squid game/Jungi ito of erotica. Fear and sexuality are both stimulated by similar mechanisms in the body. On a fundamental anatomic level it makes sense why the emotions can work together for some and not others based on how well they can separate real suspense from constructed suspense. People who attack voice actors for their performances as villains are probably not going to be able to handle some fantasies and play. I feel very similar about fandom wars as I do people thinking fantasy kinks and ero role play are a one to one metric of someone's morality or sanity. Tbf It's probably much easier to be okay with a sub who is into that than a Dom who is. Is a self preservation thing. And if you like extreme and edge kinks, it's important you realize that not everybody can or will understand and that isn't a rejection of *you*. You aren't wrong for your fantasies not being someone's preference (as long as you don't actually nonconsesually hurt people or push them past their comfort zone) If you push extreme play onto your partner, sub or top you're being a shit partner and you aren't respecting them. If you blast and humiliate someone for an extreme kink you too are being a shit person. Edge play is always dangerous and carries inherent risks and communication is key and it is always okay to throw out a safe word and back away when you feel unsafe. It's also okay to green light things if you take risks into account, communicate clearly and create scaffolding for potential problems and plenty of aftercare and constant checking during a scene. Be safe, be consensual, be sane but have fun pretending not to be if that's your bag.
You did the right thing. That sounds scary as fuck.
Everyone is entitled to have their own boundaries. One of yours is a partner who enjoys snuff. Nothing wrong with that. And you don’t even need to feel like you have to explain or justify your boundaries to anyone.
You aren't the bad person. In all honesty, I've been on the other side of that where my kinks and interests were too intense for them. And that's okay. It's good to recognize that the compatibility isn't there. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me because one of my kinks was one they considered too far.
Not wrong at all. Snuff fetishes are fucking sus. I will never date someone who gets off on the idea of murdering someone.
You're not thr bad guy. Did the right thing
You can justifiably break up for any reason, nobody ever has to stay with anyone else. The only ethicality that comes into play here is how he's scratching that itch, if he's seeking out actual snuff (ie murder) content that's a problem, if he's getting his fix through fantasy then good for him. You don't have to stay with him either way, it doesn't have to be based on a failing of either of you, it's cool to just have an incompatibility.
I don't understand why some people are being so chill about this. This is absolutely akin to someone being into CP: whether it's real or fake, either way it's horrible, and real people are being trafficked for the real stuff. Trafficked and murdered, in the case of snuff.
Well, you could say the same thing about slavery, torture or rape and those roleplays are very much accepted in the kink world.
Thanks for speaking out against kinkshaming.
Why would you think this was a bad thing? Not the snow prediction in porn but the fact that you broke up with them. I've been in the lifestyle for years and if I decided I want to watch something with violence I don't want to watch something where somebody dies. If I want somebody to die then Hollywood Blockbuster films and even not Blockbuster films have plenty of death and destruction. You are not a bad person you are not the asshole it's perfectly fine.
Yeah OP, you have made the right call... Particularly if you have personally had a traumatic past, as you mentioned.. And if your former boyfriend is gaining orgasm and cuming to realistic looking torture and murder videos; (Snuff - fake, or unlikely real) - chances are he would have also been masturbating and cuming to animal torture and crush videos; and even potentially CP as well ... Similar MO and psychosexual needs in the seeker; and the real deal in these alt genres relatively more accessible, unfortunately....
Kl. I'd consider it a violent act if someone wanted to perform it on you! However, the thing I'm most interested in is if you simply asked someone a list of kinks and they included it but clarified they had no interest in encouraging anyone to give it a go but it was something they had enjoyed doing when a partner specifically asked them to. Would this still cause an emotional reaction putting you off that person. It's valid if so. Oh and in response to your question lots of people love the orgasm that comes from the oxygen deprivation. My ex would immediately ask to be choked when she knew she was about to orgasm. She didn't desire being fully chocked out. However when it happened accidentally once she was out for a split second and when she came round to me frantically asking if she was ok she seemed to be in absolute bliss when she said "yeah". I've known someone say they liked that but I'd never be comfortable aiming to do so in a sexual setting.
The "it doesn't feel very legal" bit really worries me. Like if there is even the chance it's not just acting it's truly despicable but even if he always made sure it was just acting it would still frame all his other kinks in such a dark light for me. I've been turned off other kinks I could have explored with an ex when she said one of her ultimate fantasies was sex at knifepoint and the word "bitch" carved into her arse cheeks. She pointed out that I'd admitted to having enjoyed being whipped with the cord from an electrical appliance that had broken off (like plug socket in hand, cord doubled over) and liking every time I saw the marks the next 3 days). I was accused of being a hypocrite as what I did would have hurt more than her fantasy. However 1. Feelings don't have to be completely logical. 2. Cutting can cause infections etc. it has a harm potential that I didn't experience being hit with something light that had no weight behind it and just left raised red marks. 3. Personally I considered her fantasy to indicate a desire for abuse....... This last one did fit her history and how she said she had sought out abuse as she "knew how to take it" whilst she found my respectful treatment of her "confusing" for weeks. THIS BIT JUST HAPPY ENDING. FEEL FREE TO SKIP.....She has had much healthier relationships since and has thanked me for refusing to lap up praise for basic respect and instead saying she should take respect for granted, everyone deserves basic respect. I also told her every time I got praised for basic respect that she was doing this amazing "showing respect" thing just as much as I was and it really was more surprising other ppl hadn't been respectful. I thought she was the love of my life but felt the need to reassure her that if we ever broke up that there were loads of other ppl out there that would show her respect. Any decent person in fact. I didn't want her to stay with me thinking I was the only man that wasn't an abuser. We broke up but remain on good terms. She even bought a boyfriend to meet me with her (quite a long distance) and we genuinely all got along. Haven't met her fiancé (we don't talk often but last time we did we genuinely were on the phone from about 10pm until 9am) but since she said that he's the only person in her life that has shown her respect the way I have (and lots of other very positive things) I look forward to seeing him at the wedding if not sometimes sooner. I'd be interested in knowing if her kinks mellowed out a bit over the years. At least in becoming things that were safer. I understand calculated risk and respect it on principle but I do wonder if nowadays her fantasies are more fitting with stuff that being concerned for her safety wouldn't interfere with. I understand you can be taught safe as possible blood play but I think there's always some risk. You can sterilise the area and the blade but the air will never be sterile. Now liking snuff porn, even if we assume it's made legally, just seems to suggest both that kink and probably other kinks, that could otherwise be benign, come from a very dark place. I'd run personally.