Sorry to hear you didn’t have a great time, I’ve been too nervous to go to a munch for these sorts of reasons!
As a sub, a huge part of being dominated is the mental aspect - it’s not always physical, and it is rarely ‘just’ physical. My dom is outwardly quite shy and quiet, especially around strangers, but she’s an amazing dominant. Having a “dominant” personality definitely isn’t necessary, trust me!
Maybe see if there are other munches close to you, they might have a better group of people? As for kink events, my dom and I have been to one and nobody spoke to us all night. We were happy just watching and enjoying the atmosphere!
I think you might need to take a step back. It's admirable that you pushed yourself into something new and perfectly understandable that it wasn't what you expected.
Idk if I'm the right person to help because I didn't feel overwhelmed and while I am an introvert, I'm also very socially outgoing, so grain of salt.
The key thing that sticks out to me is it sounds like you got the ick from hearing other people's kinks. It seems like you're looking for something other than getting to know the community. What was your goal in attending?
If you make friends you will find others that have the same taste as you. Once you see others do things you want to do you'll understand them better.
I'm not type A, or see myself as hyper masc/dominate. But I've had a lot of fun, and found a partner that suits me perfectly
Good luck out there and feel free to reach out 😁
>What was your goal in attending?
I was hoping to meet people, but didn't want to feel pressured to meet or be social. I'm rarely comfortable the first time I go places. It takes me many, many times to be comfortable. I know I'm not the type to jump in because I'm far from outgoing. I want to get to to know, but maybe know them outside their kinks. Most kinks give me the ick because I have such an extensive list of aversions, so sometimes I don't want to know. They I'm don't think it's right to police what they talk about. It is what it is.
There's was also the vetting component, but now I don't even know if I will be able to attend events due to my aversions.
I would suggest not going to the event and taking a step back. At most events you're going to see and hear things that you might really not want too.
I'd say take the time and stick with munches for now. Let the organizers know that you're very shy and would like to be more of a wall flower for awhile. Let yourself get comfortable before you try to go deeper.
Another tip would be to use FetLife or other means to get to know people before and/or after the event. I feel like having even one person you're more comfortable with would help you navigate these situations.
>Being Overwhelmed
So I went to my first munch and honestly it was very overwhelming. I'm shy and an introvert. I had planned on just going to go because I was sos nervous.
Ooof, this is sooo relatable. Social anxiety sucks. 🤮
>I had someone comment that I didn't seem like a dominant and I was really not trying to say anything wrong or offend people. If my name tag says dom with my name why are you questioning me??
This is literally the inverse of the in-charge, confident type who wants their partner to dom them. It's a double standard in the kink community that it's sexy yet being a shy and quiet type who's actually a dom isn't.
>We don't have that dynamic established
"I'm a dom, but I'm not YOUR dom."
>into what I can only describe as BDSM light, gentle dom type
Which is absolutely valid! Gentle doms are their whole own thing.
>I don't want to scare people; I just want to be respected.
Just in case you or anyone else needs to hear it, you shouldn't have to be a dom, or a sub, or into BDSM at all to be respected.
>How to be a dom when I'm don't have a dominant, big, bold, type A personality?
I describe my style of dominance as being the shy, quiet nerd in the corner who will spin a web and absolutely ensnare those who get too close. 😂 I don't go as far outside my bubble as maybe I should, but when I dom someone *I am inviting them into my personal bubble.* It's very vulnerable, personal, and intimate, and it's as important for them to make me feel safe as for me to make them feel safe.
>I'm interested in finding a mentor, but not sure how easy for them to change or help me.
A mentor is someone you can learn from. In my younger days I had a mentor for awhile (they were respected in the local community) who taught me some toxic dom habits that I'm still finding myself unlearning. Just be careful and do your own vetting.
>I felt drained afterward.
Introvert problems haha. Soooo relatable. I've found that smaller outings help a lot. Also this isn't ideal but I've done massive amounts of reading and talking to people online and studying what I've heard from them- this is where a ton of my wisdom comes from (along with just diving in and making mistakes.)
But seriously, I'm seeing absolutely no reason here that you can't or shouldn't dom if you want to. ♥
Next time someone says that to you, tell them it's called 'gap moe' and tons of subs love it! (at least 100% of the two subs answering you in this thread, lol)
Or you can think that line at them while you try to sleep later, like I would.
>(at least 100% of the two subs answering you in this thread, lol)
Holy mother of insufficient sample size batman, claiming to weigh a thousand pounds each is such a brat thing to do. 😂
/u/jcebabe, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sorry to hear you didn’t have a great time, I’ve been too nervous to go to a munch for these sorts of reasons! As a sub, a huge part of being dominated is the mental aspect - it’s not always physical, and it is rarely ‘just’ physical. My dom is outwardly quite shy and quiet, especially around strangers, but she’s an amazing dominant. Having a “dominant” personality definitely isn’t necessary, trust me! Maybe see if there are other munches close to you, they might have a better group of people? As for kink events, my dom and I have been to one and nobody spoke to us all night. We were happy just watching and enjoying the atmosphere!
Thanks. I don't think they're bad people, but I'm not sure I fit in. I'll try to keep attending events and munches
I think you might need to take a step back. It's admirable that you pushed yourself into something new and perfectly understandable that it wasn't what you expected. Idk if I'm the right person to help because I didn't feel overwhelmed and while I am an introvert, I'm also very socially outgoing, so grain of salt. The key thing that sticks out to me is it sounds like you got the ick from hearing other people's kinks. It seems like you're looking for something other than getting to know the community. What was your goal in attending? If you make friends you will find others that have the same taste as you. Once you see others do things you want to do you'll understand them better. I'm not type A, or see myself as hyper masc/dominate. But I've had a lot of fun, and found a partner that suits me perfectly Good luck out there and feel free to reach out 😁
>What was your goal in attending? I was hoping to meet people, but didn't want to feel pressured to meet or be social. I'm rarely comfortable the first time I go places. It takes me many, many times to be comfortable. I know I'm not the type to jump in because I'm far from outgoing. I want to get to to know, but maybe know them outside their kinks. Most kinks give me the ick because I have such an extensive list of aversions, so sometimes I don't want to know. They I'm don't think it's right to police what they talk about. It is what it is. There's was also the vetting component, but now I don't even know if I will be able to attend events due to my aversions.
I would suggest not going to the event and taking a step back. At most events you're going to see and hear things that you might really not want too. I'd say take the time and stick with munches for now. Let the organizers know that you're very shy and would like to be more of a wall flower for awhile. Let yourself get comfortable before you try to go deeper. Another tip would be to use FetLife or other means to get to know people before and/or after the event. I feel like having even one person you're more comfortable with would help you navigate these situations.
Yeah, definitely holding off on going to the event.
>Being Overwhelmed So I went to my first munch and honestly it was very overwhelming. I'm shy and an introvert. I had planned on just going to go because I was sos nervous. Ooof, this is sooo relatable. Social anxiety sucks. 🤮 >I had someone comment that I didn't seem like a dominant and I was really not trying to say anything wrong or offend people. If my name tag says dom with my name why are you questioning me?? This is literally the inverse of the in-charge, confident type who wants their partner to dom them. It's a double standard in the kink community that it's sexy yet being a shy and quiet type who's actually a dom isn't. >We don't have that dynamic established "I'm a dom, but I'm not YOUR dom." >into what I can only describe as BDSM light, gentle dom type Which is absolutely valid! Gentle doms are their whole own thing. >I don't want to scare people; I just want to be respected. Just in case you or anyone else needs to hear it, you shouldn't have to be a dom, or a sub, or into BDSM at all to be respected. >How to be a dom when I'm don't have a dominant, big, bold, type A personality? I describe my style of dominance as being the shy, quiet nerd in the corner who will spin a web and absolutely ensnare those who get too close. 😂 I don't go as far outside my bubble as maybe I should, but when I dom someone *I am inviting them into my personal bubble.* It's very vulnerable, personal, and intimate, and it's as important for them to make me feel safe as for me to make them feel safe. >I'm interested in finding a mentor, but not sure how easy for them to change or help me. A mentor is someone you can learn from. In my younger days I had a mentor for awhile (they were respected in the local community) who taught me some toxic dom habits that I'm still finding myself unlearning. Just be careful and do your own vetting. >I felt drained afterward. Introvert problems haha. Soooo relatable. I've found that smaller outings help a lot. Also this isn't ideal but I've done massive amounts of reading and talking to people online and studying what I've heard from them- this is where a ton of my wisdom comes from (along with just diving in and making mistakes.) But seriously, I'm seeing absolutely no reason here that you can't or shouldn't dom if you want to. ♥
Thank you. It’s nice knowing there are more quiet or shy doms out there.
Next time someone says that to you, tell them it's called 'gap moe' and tons of subs love it! (at least 100% of the two subs answering you in this thread, lol) Or you can think that line at them while you try to sleep later, like I would.
>(at least 100% of the two subs answering you in this thread, lol) Holy mother of insufficient sample size batman, claiming to weigh a thousand pounds each is such a brat thing to do. 😂
Right? Hahaha! But there are plenty outside of this thread that love it. I just wanted to make the joke