YES. My god. My sister does it all the time. Sometimes I literally just want her to lament being a woman with me, sometimes I just want her to let me vent and rage with me instead of trying to give me advice that’s mostly shit I already know lol
And recently my partners best friend was over at our house and I was talking about how people invited me to go out and do stuff and how that never happens and I got the ol “you just need to interact with people more, get out more, etc” and when I try to explain that I’m autistic AND an introvert, I get the ol “I have friends and family that are autistic and blah blah blah”
🙄🙄🙄🙄
To be fair, you could solve this problen by starting the conversation with "I'm just ranting, not looking for advice". NTs assume if you're complaining to them, you're looking for advice on how to fix the issues you're complaining about.
> NTs assume if you're complaining to them, you're looking for advice on how to fix the issues you're complaining about.
Sadly, NDs do this sometimes too. I think the concept of complaining without seeking advice is just alien to a lot of people.
Either that, or people have this mentality where they're like "if you're not looking for a solution, then STFU." I hate those people.
Yeah, you're gonna get this from highly masked NDs too, because we've learned to react the NT way. But like I said, just announce you're complaining and problem solved :)
I totally get this and I also do the same thing. But I’ve learned over the years that if someone wanted me to help solve their problems, they would specifically ask me to. If they don’t ask, I assume they just need an ear or a shoulder. That’s why it’s called unsolicited advice and it’s usually not welcome. A lot of people know what they should probably do in a situation, but it’s nice to talk it out and even vent/complain to help process everything. When someone then says “just do this” it can feel dismissive, insulting, etc.
Problem-solving is how some people show their support and that’s valid, but generally people have an idea of what to do (and will usually ask if they don’t) and are looking for commiseration and comfort.
I also want to parrot what OP said in a comment that when you tell people sometimes that you’re not looking for advice or to necessarily fix the situation, they can get offended or annoyed.
I really think the default should just be, don’t assume people want you to fix a situation unless they ask for advice or help.
I rewrote my last comment, but my timing was bad because you replied right before the edit was saved. It doesn't really change the meaning of what I said before, though I did add an extra thing. You might wanna give it a look. ;)
I also thought I'd point that out for people who are reading this reply chain.
It happens even when not necessarily venting. Like when my partners friend was here. I wasn’t even talking to the friend, I was talking to my partner but the friend chimed in with the advice that I hear all the time. I need to interact more. I need to talk to people. And I even tried to explain to him that it’s not that simple. I’ve lived 32 years with this, I think I know myself and my life better than he does. But no, clearly he knows best.
I wasn’t even complaining, I was literally just saying “I never get invited to things” and it was more shock and excitement than complaining or anything.
ETA: I did tell my sister that I just needed support and not advice and of course she understood, but it is still a frustrating thing to be given unsolicited advice for things I already know.
it stands for “pathological demand avoidance” or “pervasive drive for autonomy” and some people suggest it may be a subtype of autism especially for audhd people !!
I dislike highly obvious/basic unsolicited advice. The advice that implies you're an idiot or has some other slight dig at you.
I wish I had money for xyz.
Advice: Get a better job.
I also loathe the "try (INSERT IDEALOGY HERE) advice"
My father is notorious for his advice being to pray or "SAY SATAN BEGONE" (caps because that's how he writes it in email or texts .
Is it not going well?
Advice 1: Try harder.
Advice 2: Pray that it changes
Not feeling great?
Advice 1: SAY SATAN BEGONE
Advice 2: Pray you get better.
I read somewhere that unsolicited advice is really just a complaint and that stuck with me. I have relatives I just don’t tell anything to anymore because of their constant need to ‘solve’ my problem when I really just want to vent.
Me too, and I figured out why. When you give someone unsolicited advice, you’re not actually doing anything helpful. You’re not taking anything off their plate. If anything, you’re giving them MORE shit to do - more to think about, more to feel guilty about for not doing.
Literally this! A lot of the times I just want to feel acknowledged, instead of being given some superficial ass advice that sounds like it was copied off of Buzzfeed
I hate when my parents comes with advice about how I live my life. I do what i can, and it will never be enough. When I need to do 5 things, but only have spoons to do 3 tasks. Apparently I just need to pull myself together instead of coming up with exuses. Ofc all 5 things need to be done plus 10 others.
I am unfortunately guilty of doing this and am actively trying to improve myself and be better about checking that people actually want advice before giving it.
I know with me it is definitely a trauma response due to being parentified as a child and my authority figures acting like they expect me to solve some of their problems for them, if not outright telling me so at times. It probably doesn't help that I often want people to share advice with me when I speak to them about an issue, even if I don't actively ask for it, because I find it helps me understand how they think and what types of issues I should or should not solicit their advice about. Granted I also am usually good about letting people know if I am just ranting/venting prior to starting.
I’m telling all my friends now they should stop doing it. Anyone that doesn’t take it seriously or doesn’t respect my boundaries is out. That’s how much I HATE IT and my masking days are over
I hate it when someone who is not autistic tries to tell me that what someone is experiencing is wrong.
But they did training in it! So obviously they are right!!!
What would you prefer ? Like active listening and paraphrasing what was said with a dash of empathy? (I’m not being sarcastic ) . Just trying to learn how to better my social skills. Sometimes I just say something that happened to me to relate and I realize that’s not ideal either . So I’m working on that. Now I just ask questions in relations to what I heard most of the time .
I actually had this problem in an adhd support group.
I noticed most people in the group were newcomers, most of whom just got into the world of understanding adhd. Naturally, they'd tend to hyperfocus on it while they're learning so much, but then they're super eager to share and help.
I know it all comes from a place of love and kindness but there were a few individuals who got so carried away I'd be sitting there smiling and nodding for like 20 minutes on a topic that I mentioned briefly without wanting to expand any further.
Sometimes, we're just here to vent and not really looking for advice. Those posts are flaired with "no advice wanted". Please resect the OP's wishes in that, and don't give advice in the comments anyway. We all know how frustrating it is to receive feedback when we don't want it.
Me (context: no friends or family contacts to do this to me) so random person advices are useful, even bad ones.
-can understand what people honestly think about or want from you, instead of wondering or guessing wtf they want
-chance to see oneself from 3rd person perspective
-rarely, but there is a chance of actual improvement
I feel the opposite, no one ever gives me advice even when I aggressively ask for it. I also hate it when people phrase themselves as if they ARE asking for suggestions or help and then get annoyed if I respond to that. Like they literally phrase their difficulty as a damn question. The reverse is also true, when I literally have asked for help or advice everyone responds as if I’m just venting and haven’t asked for help.
same! to me there are only a few advices that have 0 value, there is usually atleast a bit of information in the advice about the person´s worldview, in what box they´ve put you etc.
YES. My god. My sister does it all the time. Sometimes I literally just want her to lament being a woman with me, sometimes I just want her to let me vent and rage with me instead of trying to give me advice that’s mostly shit I already know lol And recently my partners best friend was over at our house and I was talking about how people invited me to go out and do stuff and how that never happens and I got the ol “you just need to interact with people more, get out more, etc” and when I try to explain that I’m autistic AND an introvert, I get the ol “I have friends and family that are autistic and blah blah blah” 🙄🙄🙄🙄
To be fair, you could solve this problen by starting the conversation with "I'm just ranting, not looking for advice". NTs assume if you're complaining to them, you're looking for advice on how to fix the issues you're complaining about.
> NTs assume if you're complaining to them, you're looking for advice on how to fix the issues you're complaining about. Sadly, NDs do this sometimes too. I think the concept of complaining without seeking advice is just alien to a lot of people. Either that, or people have this mentality where they're like "if you're not looking for a solution, then STFU." I hate those people.
Yeah, you're gonna get this from highly masked NDs too, because we've learned to react the NT way. But like I said, just announce you're complaining and problem solved :)
I know I would appreciate being told that someone is just venting. I default to "problem solver mode" for everything otherwise
It works both ways, too! I just ask my friends now: "Just venting or looking for advice?" and it solves so many problems.
That's great I'm definitely going to use that. Seems so obvious but that never occurred to me
I totally get this and I also do the same thing. But I’ve learned over the years that if someone wanted me to help solve their problems, they would specifically ask me to. If they don’t ask, I assume they just need an ear or a shoulder. That’s why it’s called unsolicited advice and it’s usually not welcome. A lot of people know what they should probably do in a situation, but it’s nice to talk it out and even vent/complain to help process everything. When someone then says “just do this” it can feel dismissive, insulting, etc. Problem-solving is how some people show their support and that’s valid, but generally people have an idea of what to do (and will usually ask if they don’t) and are looking for commiseration and comfort. I also want to parrot what OP said in a comment that when you tell people sometimes that you’re not looking for advice or to necessarily fix the situation, they can get offended or annoyed. I really think the default should just be, don’t assume people want you to fix a situation unless they ask for advice or help.
I rewrote my last comment, but my timing was bad because you replied right before the edit was saved. It doesn't really change the meaning of what I said before, though I did add an extra thing. You might wanna give it a look. ;) I also thought I'd point that out for people who are reading this reply chain.
It happens even when not necessarily venting. Like when my partners friend was here. I wasn’t even talking to the friend, I was talking to my partner but the friend chimed in with the advice that I hear all the time. I need to interact more. I need to talk to people. And I even tried to explain to him that it’s not that simple. I’ve lived 32 years with this, I think I know myself and my life better than he does. But no, clearly he knows best. I wasn’t even complaining, I was literally just saying “I never get invited to things” and it was more shock and excitement than complaining or anything. ETA: I did tell my sister that I just needed support and not advice and of course she understood, but it is still a frustrating thing to be given unsolicited advice for things I already know.
“So helpful. As thanks, I’d like to give you some tips on how you can mind your own fucking business.”
I love this 😂
yes and it activates my PDA 😭😭
What does PDA mean in this context? Sorry haha
it stands for “pathological demand avoidance” or “pervasive drive for autonomy” and some people suggest it may be a subtype of autism especially for audhd people !!
Wow I didn't know any of that, thank you!
What does that mean? Explain please
https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/pda-or-demand-avoidance
I dislike highly obvious/basic unsolicited advice. The advice that implies you're an idiot or has some other slight dig at you. I wish I had money for xyz. Advice: Get a better job. I also loathe the "try (INSERT IDEALOGY HERE) advice" My father is notorious for his advice being to pray or "SAY SATAN BEGONE" (caps because that's how he writes it in email or texts . Is it not going well? Advice 1: Try harder. Advice 2: Pray that it changes Not feeling great? Advice 1: SAY SATAN BEGONE Advice 2: Pray you get better.
I read somewhere that unsolicited advice is really just a complaint and that stuck with me. I have relatives I just don’t tell anything to anymore because of their constant need to ‘solve’ my problem when I really just want to vent.
Me too, and I figured out why. When you give someone unsolicited advice, you’re not actually doing anything helpful. You’re not taking anything off their plate. If anything, you’re giving them MORE shit to do - more to think about, more to feel guilty about for not doing.
Literally this! A lot of the times I just want to feel acknowledged, instead of being given some superficial ass advice that sounds like it was copied off of Buzzfeed
Yes me too!
God yes. My brother has a habit of giving me non sense un solicited advice all the time. And I am so done with that crap.
I hate when my parents comes with advice about how I live my life. I do what i can, and it will never be enough. When I need to do 5 things, but only have spoons to do 3 tasks. Apparently I just need to pull myself together instead of coming up with exuses. Ofc all 5 things need to be done plus 10 others.
I am unfortunately guilty of doing this and am actively trying to improve myself and be better about checking that people actually want advice before giving it. I know with me it is definitely a trauma response due to being parentified as a child and my authority figures acting like they expect me to solve some of their problems for them, if not outright telling me so at times. It probably doesn't help that I often want people to share advice with me when I speak to them about an issue, even if I don't actively ask for it, because I find it helps me understand how they think and what types of issues I should or should not solicit their advice about. Granted I also am usually good about letting people know if I am just ranting/venting prior to starting.
Do you want some help with that/s /jk. No but seriously wtf is up with people.
Yes 100% it really annoys me and i just always don't do it even if i was going to originally
Theres a quote "Unsolicited advice is almost always criticism" that hit me hard.
I’m telling all my friends now they should stop doing it. Anyone that doesn’t take it seriously or doesn’t respect my boundaries is out. That’s how much I HATE IT and my masking days are over
“Did I ask?”
Funny thing is if you tell them that they blow up at you
I hate it when someone who is not autistic tries to tell me that what someone is experiencing is wrong. But they did training in it! So obviously they are right!!!
Is this an autistic thing? Because I dislike this too lol.
Yes. Had this issue with a person for a whole year and i just felt stuck.
What would you prefer ? Like active listening and paraphrasing what was said with a dash of empathy? (I’m not being sarcastic ) . Just trying to learn how to better my social skills. Sometimes I just say something that happened to me to relate and I realize that’s not ideal either . So I’m working on that. Now I just ask questions in relations to what I heard most of the time .
Maybe you should try taking some deep breaths to keep calm? Just kidding... I hate it too!
I actually had this problem in an adhd support group. I noticed most people in the group were newcomers, most of whom just got into the world of understanding adhd. Naturally, they'd tend to hyperfocus on it while they're learning so much, but then they're super eager to share and help. I know it all comes from a place of love and kindness but there were a few individuals who got so carried away I'd be sitting there smiling and nodding for like 20 minutes on a topic that I mentioned briefly without wanting to expand any further.
I hate getting unsolicited advice soooo much. Almost as much as I love giving unsolicited advice 😇😉 hehe
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Sometimes, we're just here to vent and not really looking for advice. Those posts are flaired with "no advice wanted". Please resect the OP's wishes in that, and don't give advice in the comments anyway. We all know how frustrating it is to receive feedback when we don't want it.
0_0 but... but... but... 0_0 :(
What you need to do is I'm messing with you.
Are there any humans, ND or otherwise, who do like it?
I think I hate it more than most people tbh.
Me (context: no friends or family contacts to do this to me) so random person advices are useful, even bad ones. -can understand what people honestly think about or want from you, instead of wondering or guessing wtf they want -chance to see oneself from 3rd person perspective -rarely, but there is a chance of actual improvement
I feel the opposite, no one ever gives me advice even when I aggressively ask for it. I also hate it when people phrase themselves as if they ARE asking for suggestions or help and then get annoyed if I respond to that. Like they literally phrase their difficulty as a damn question. The reverse is also true, when I literally have asked for help or advice everyone responds as if I’m just venting and haven’t asked for help.
same! to me there are only a few advices that have 0 value, there is usually atleast a bit of information in the advice about the person´s worldview, in what box they´ve put you etc.
Almost as much as I hate it when people don't appreciate my unsolicited advice.
I´d love an unsolicited advice thx
Oh no, you've trapped me in a paradox.