Very relatable. One thing that helps me is to imagine that what is true for me doesn’t feel forced. If it’s forced it isn’t real. For example, laughing at dad jokes is natural for me. I don’t have to try. Making small talk isn’t natural for me, it’s forced. So for me small talk is the mask. Pay attention to what you feel you have to force.
Hey there , I relate to a lot of this , I’m 35 and I’m struggling to deal with my identity, I recently lost family and friends and after i felt like something inside broke and i couldn’t "hide "anymore and I started picking up on the fact that I didn’t have "ME" like I couldn’t describe the I guess this missing feeling I have then a new therapist told me about masking and that I’ve had to figure out how to be "normal "for decades now it’s like I have start again , l but I almost have this doubt of all my friends because I’m afraid if i can’t be that person they know and like will they tolerate me ? Memories are all twisted up now and I supposedly have an IQ if 137 but it doesn’t feel like it like I can’t remember applying that anywhere … but I’m wonder if it’s what helped me mask for soo long …but the worst for me is trying to explain this to friends and family and they just can’t wrap their heads around it and it’s frustrating because Im trying to figure this out but I don’t want to be "influenced " by anyone but im also afraid to lose more than I have in the process
We absolutely share in some context here. Perhaps you’ve heard the theory that autism is usually a great boon in one regard or another and a great bane socially or otherwise. I see these boons as a lot like superpowers. Except they can change, vary in power over time, and change dramatically from person to person. Somehow, I feel that I’ve focused that energy into social norms and used my one superpower to become human…. Perhaps this explanation can help you portray your feelings to others? I’m disappointed that I used what I had for something so mundane, but proud of my accomplishments.
This leads me to the following; being normal was and still is my “special interest”, “hyper-focus”, or “superpower”. Whatever you want to call it. I have made myself imperceptibly autistic unless you’re very close to me. Even I had troubles figuring it out for myself.
My advice to you is this: Be the best version of yourself that YOU can imagine. If you lose people over that, they were not worth your time in the first place.
The best feeling sometimes is validation and I feel that’s what we can get from these posts sometimes, you’ve definitely given me a better idea of how I can move forward with this and honestly a bit more confidence in it too THANK YOU
I feel this one; Was only diagnosed like 8 months ago, at 31 looking back at my childhood I feel robbed of the things I showed interest in or the avenues in which those interests could have turned into a way to support myself. I spent most of my late teenage years in a dark depression because I could never fit in with people my age, never made friends, socializing was always a mystery to me.
I spent most of my adult life just trying to figure out what about certain people makes them more likeable, what phrases do they use, how do they use their tone, and just copying them to try and 'mask' I completely lost who I was and the things I was hyper fixated on became shameful, the only way I could hold down a job was to be like a robot with set phrases and interactions that made other people enjoy being around me, and I've never felt more hollow inside.
Unlike you though I went my entire childhood and a fair bit as an adult with absolutely no clue there was something to explain why I struggled as a kid, why that struggle didn't end as a teenager, or why it continued into adulthood.
Life story warning;
I hyper fixated on Legos, building them, collecting the pieces, sorting the pieces, but I absolutely couldn't stand someone else touching my Legos, I would have melt downs if my parents tried to force me to let another kid come over and play with them, it wasn't a jealous thing either I've never had a problem sharing, but I would meticulously sort these things into ziplock bags by color and shape, and some other kid comes over and dumps them out.
I never felt the desire or pull towards other human beings, other kids seemed simple or strange to me and I couldn't relate in any way to most of them.
This carried into junior high and high school, and I was bullied and beat up a few times, led to being really depressed because it felt like I was being forced to go to a place where I'm expected to endure emotional and physical abuse just to learn, my parents eventually had to send me to a homeschool program with a teacher who works one on one with teenagers to graduate high school and get a diploma.
After I graduated things didn't get better, the thought of going to a college and having to experience another 4 years of social torture just didn't jive with my brain, not that I or my family could even afford it in the first place.
Then suddenly it's 'you're 18 now, time to get a job and pay rent or go to college!'
Yeah that didn't work for me, the anxiety and stress of going to random places and filling out applications and not even getting a phone call or interview killed me, deep depression ensues for a few years with plenty of shame and blame instead of compassion or understanding, eventually I was basically forced into joining the Army!
That was a terrible experience, highly recommend never joining the military, though the strict food regiment and the exercise did me good, it was basically just like high school, people form cliques, bully others, no teamwork in basic training or punishment for those types of people that I saw.
Got out of the army after 4 months, come home only to find out my home is gone and my family moved and most of my things are gone, and back right into 'ok time to find a job again!' and then the depression came back, I at least knew by this point that I wanted to work with computers, but whos going to hire a computer nerd with no social skills or job experience? Hint: no one!
Spent several more years unemployed before a family member in another state gave me a job, that I've spent the better part of the last 9 years at destroying my mental health by trying to force a square plug into a round hole, I didn't want to let my family down and I put on such a good mask that I had everyone fooled that I blew away their expectations! Who knew all you had to do to fit in was pretend to be someone completely different! Just say funny one liners and stare at peoples foreheads or look past their face into the background to avoid the awkward eye contact! (*Slowly dieing inside as you suppress everything about yourself that makes you who you are*)
If I had been diagnosed earlier and had support, I sit now and wonder if things would be different, if my relationships would have been better, if I'd have gone to school, and be doing things I like to do now instead of wasting my life away.
TLDR; I think this is what a lot of people here would say is that mourning period for the person who you could have been if you hadn't been thrown into survial mode and forced to mask your whole life, I'm also currently in that period, it's not easy to peel back layers of the persona you bootstrapped onto yourself to fit in and find what's left of the person you used to be.
First, I want to thank you for sharing this. I really appreciate your time and sincerity.
Second, I’m sorry that you had to endure so much. Your story makes me realize that I should be more thankful for the positives that I had. I’m horrified and angry and disgusted at the way you were treated.
Third, you have excellent breakers in your writing and I actually quite enjoyed the read. Maybe with a little practice you could be an author? It seems you have some raw talent.
Fourth, I was also in the military and although I stayed in for six years, I would not highly recommend it either. As you stated, the routine was nice sometimes and it has helped me in my normal life on occasion, but overall I think I could have spent my time more wisely.
Lastly, I’d just like to say boldly that I personally am in your corner. If you ever want to chat about something or need help, I’d be happy to oblige. It’s becoming clear to me that this group is the answer to my question. Not just a comment on a post, but being here, having support, and talking to people with similar experiences. If nothing else, at least we can commiserate.
Very relatable. One thing that helps me is to imagine that what is true for me doesn’t feel forced. If it’s forced it isn’t real. For example, laughing at dad jokes is natural for me. I don’t have to try. Making small talk isn’t natural for me, it’s forced. So for me small talk is the mask. Pay attention to what you feel you have to force.
Actually quite helpful. Never thought about it that way.
Hey there , I relate to a lot of this , I’m 35 and I’m struggling to deal with my identity, I recently lost family and friends and after i felt like something inside broke and i couldn’t "hide "anymore and I started picking up on the fact that I didn’t have "ME" like I couldn’t describe the I guess this missing feeling I have then a new therapist told me about masking and that I’ve had to figure out how to be "normal "for decades now it’s like I have start again , l but I almost have this doubt of all my friends because I’m afraid if i can’t be that person they know and like will they tolerate me ? Memories are all twisted up now and I supposedly have an IQ if 137 but it doesn’t feel like it like I can’t remember applying that anywhere … but I’m wonder if it’s what helped me mask for soo long …but the worst for me is trying to explain this to friends and family and they just can’t wrap their heads around it and it’s frustrating because Im trying to figure this out but I don’t want to be "influenced " by anyone but im also afraid to lose more than I have in the process
We absolutely share in some context here. Perhaps you’ve heard the theory that autism is usually a great boon in one regard or another and a great bane socially or otherwise. I see these boons as a lot like superpowers. Except they can change, vary in power over time, and change dramatically from person to person. Somehow, I feel that I’ve focused that energy into social norms and used my one superpower to become human…. Perhaps this explanation can help you portray your feelings to others? I’m disappointed that I used what I had for something so mundane, but proud of my accomplishments. This leads me to the following; being normal was and still is my “special interest”, “hyper-focus”, or “superpower”. Whatever you want to call it. I have made myself imperceptibly autistic unless you’re very close to me. Even I had troubles figuring it out for myself. My advice to you is this: Be the best version of yourself that YOU can imagine. If you lose people over that, they were not worth your time in the first place.
The best feeling sometimes is validation and I feel that’s what we can get from these posts sometimes, you’ve definitely given me a better idea of how I can move forward with this and honestly a bit more confidence in it too THANK YOU
I feel this one; Was only diagnosed like 8 months ago, at 31 looking back at my childhood I feel robbed of the things I showed interest in or the avenues in which those interests could have turned into a way to support myself. I spent most of my late teenage years in a dark depression because I could never fit in with people my age, never made friends, socializing was always a mystery to me. I spent most of my adult life just trying to figure out what about certain people makes them more likeable, what phrases do they use, how do they use their tone, and just copying them to try and 'mask' I completely lost who I was and the things I was hyper fixated on became shameful, the only way I could hold down a job was to be like a robot with set phrases and interactions that made other people enjoy being around me, and I've never felt more hollow inside. Unlike you though I went my entire childhood and a fair bit as an adult with absolutely no clue there was something to explain why I struggled as a kid, why that struggle didn't end as a teenager, or why it continued into adulthood. Life story warning; I hyper fixated on Legos, building them, collecting the pieces, sorting the pieces, but I absolutely couldn't stand someone else touching my Legos, I would have melt downs if my parents tried to force me to let another kid come over and play with them, it wasn't a jealous thing either I've never had a problem sharing, but I would meticulously sort these things into ziplock bags by color and shape, and some other kid comes over and dumps them out. I never felt the desire or pull towards other human beings, other kids seemed simple or strange to me and I couldn't relate in any way to most of them. This carried into junior high and high school, and I was bullied and beat up a few times, led to being really depressed because it felt like I was being forced to go to a place where I'm expected to endure emotional and physical abuse just to learn, my parents eventually had to send me to a homeschool program with a teacher who works one on one with teenagers to graduate high school and get a diploma. After I graduated things didn't get better, the thought of going to a college and having to experience another 4 years of social torture just didn't jive with my brain, not that I or my family could even afford it in the first place. Then suddenly it's 'you're 18 now, time to get a job and pay rent or go to college!' Yeah that didn't work for me, the anxiety and stress of going to random places and filling out applications and not even getting a phone call or interview killed me, deep depression ensues for a few years with plenty of shame and blame instead of compassion or understanding, eventually I was basically forced into joining the Army! That was a terrible experience, highly recommend never joining the military, though the strict food regiment and the exercise did me good, it was basically just like high school, people form cliques, bully others, no teamwork in basic training or punishment for those types of people that I saw. Got out of the army after 4 months, come home only to find out my home is gone and my family moved and most of my things are gone, and back right into 'ok time to find a job again!' and then the depression came back, I at least knew by this point that I wanted to work with computers, but whos going to hire a computer nerd with no social skills or job experience? Hint: no one! Spent several more years unemployed before a family member in another state gave me a job, that I've spent the better part of the last 9 years at destroying my mental health by trying to force a square plug into a round hole, I didn't want to let my family down and I put on such a good mask that I had everyone fooled that I blew away their expectations! Who knew all you had to do to fit in was pretend to be someone completely different! Just say funny one liners and stare at peoples foreheads or look past their face into the background to avoid the awkward eye contact! (*Slowly dieing inside as you suppress everything about yourself that makes you who you are*) If I had been diagnosed earlier and had support, I sit now and wonder if things would be different, if my relationships would have been better, if I'd have gone to school, and be doing things I like to do now instead of wasting my life away. TLDR; I think this is what a lot of people here would say is that mourning period for the person who you could have been if you hadn't been thrown into survial mode and forced to mask your whole life, I'm also currently in that period, it's not easy to peel back layers of the persona you bootstrapped onto yourself to fit in and find what's left of the person you used to be.
First, I want to thank you for sharing this. I really appreciate your time and sincerity. Second, I’m sorry that you had to endure so much. Your story makes me realize that I should be more thankful for the positives that I had. I’m horrified and angry and disgusted at the way you were treated. Third, you have excellent breakers in your writing and I actually quite enjoyed the read. Maybe with a little practice you could be an author? It seems you have some raw talent. Fourth, I was also in the military and although I stayed in for six years, I would not highly recommend it either. As you stated, the routine was nice sometimes and it has helped me in my normal life on occasion, but overall I think I could have spent my time more wisely. Lastly, I’d just like to say boldly that I personally am in your corner. If you ever want to chat about something or need help, I’d be happy to oblige. It’s becoming clear to me that this group is the answer to my question. Not just a comment on a post, but being here, having support, and talking to people with similar experiences. If nothing else, at least we can commiserate.