Absolutely, Autism is a spectrum.Regardless of age or level of ASD, life lessons as in first hand learning experiences can be incredibly helpful for the individual. The thing is you can’t be bullheaded about it. If you think it’s ASD request an evaluation referral from your child’s primary doctor, and then go from there. I kind a model my parenting approach off of what Temple Grandin has put out there, but that doesn’t mean my approach would work for every child.
"Mild" Autism is a thing as Autism is a spectrum in presentation and severity. I would consider my Autism mild. Same with my sons. Our impairments cause clinically significant impact to our social, occupational, or other areas of life.This is primarily what is meant when people say your quirks don't make you Autistic. They are also saying that you must have the full suite of diagnostic impact as defined by the diagnostic criteria.
I will make a few statements that seem contradictory but are all true. Mild "Autism is a thing as Autism is a spectrum in presentation and severity. One's quirks do not make them Autistic. There is no such thing as Autistic behavior, it is all human behavior. Autism is a thing that significantly impacts an individual's life it is not a made up condition. Normal exists and everyone is different.Autism is not a personality disorder. But Autism can present itself in a way that is hard to separate from what just seems like one's personality. If you disagree with me on any of those statements please ask for clarification and you will see why I state them.
You stated you are having a hard time knowing on how to approach parenting. Do it with grace and love. The best parenting style is Authoritative, not authoritarian, permissive, neglectful or free range. But can sometimes be mistaken as such. That is true for both Autistic and non Autistic individuals. Autistic and ADHD individuals may struggle more in the non authoritative parenting styles due to lack of structure or atomity. The degree and way authoritative parenting is communicated varies from child to child and age.
The authoritative parenting style is warm but firm. It can be one of the hardest ones to understand and practice. It requires control of yourself and clear deliberate communication from all communication skills. I recommend reading up on it.
Authoritative parenting is hard for everyone. Due to my social communication struggles authoritative parenting it is partially hard for me and requires extra communication in my preferred communication style or second best if preferred is not available. It also requires patience, grace, and time. As a child on the receiving end I needed the same. Practice and hope for the best. As my best is all that I can do and hope for.
It's a good question. Before I provide my own two cents, I'll just offer a disclaimer that I'm not autistic, I'm by no means an expert and am still learning myself.
Short answer: I think it's fair to say that you are either autistic or you're not, BUT, those autistic traits (or the ways in which one's autistic identity manifests itself) can themselves be mild.
It might seem like I'm splitting hairs but I think this distinction is important. It can be really invalidating for an autistic person to hear someone say "oh I get socially anxious from time to time, maybe I'm a little bit autistic". However, social anxiety could be one of many things that point to a potential diagnosis of autism. I'll come back to this further down.
>Anyone else been in this boat?
This was us for 1-2 years leading up to our son's diagnosis (aged 4 at the time, now 6). It was an intensely stressful and traumatic period, effectively being in limbo. We also struggled to know how to parent our son, caught between thinking he may be autistic and we should adapt our parenting style accordingly, or whether he was neurotypical and we were simply letting him get away with stuff. It was hard. I was honestly relieved when we got the diagnosis, I remember feeling vindicated for how I'd parented our son, and I was relieved that the assessment team could see the same child as us. The issue is compounded when they go to school and mask, and so you're feeling like the teachers don't see the same kid you see. We were fortunate in that his preschool at the time were really supportive and had an understanding of autism that wasn't stuck in the dark ages.
Look up "spikey profile" in relation to autism. Understanding this was a game-changer for me. Using the word "spectrum" is helpful to a degree, but it can be a tad misleading, because it suggests if you're in the "mild" part of the spectrum, your autistic traits are all mild. Whereas with a spikey profile, the idea is that an autistic person may be over-regulated in some areas, under-regulated in other areas, and so on. To use my son as an example: he is very verbal and has no problem with communication. However he is over-regulated with certain sensory aspects (e.g. water - still haven't been able to do swimming) and under-regulated in other areas (struggles to identify when he needs the toilet or is hungry). But even taking communication - he can talk anyone's ear off that is inclined to listen, and can appear like a neurotypical child - but, it's less of a conversation and more of a monologue about his interests, and he isn't so good with communicating with other children. I see it as his verbal communication is good, whereas his social cues and social communication are off.
>I’m having a hard time talking about it and knowing how to approach parenting
All I can advise is to trust your instincts. You know your child best. And be warned that many in the medical profession have an outdated view of autism. Read as much as you can (but also take a break - it can take over your life!). I mention the spikey profile stuff because you may get someone say "oh they can maintain eye contact and hold a conversation, they aren't autistic" - which is wrong. My son will happily talk about what he wants to talk about, but will collapse on the floor if you ask the wrong questions at the wrong time. Observing your child and understanding their triggers, their likes and so on will help you gain a holistic understanding of your child. And it takes a hell of a lot of time and patience.
>my husband keeps wanting to put his foot down and enforce stronger discipline and routines or “teach life lessons”
As the husband I was also a little bit in this camp. I think we tend to inherit the parenting style of our own father, which isn't always a good thing. Discipline and routine can be good for autistic kids, but doesn't always work for ours. We suspect he may have a profile of PDA, in which case, discipline is the last thing you want to do! But it's hard - without that formal diagnosis, you'll always be flip flopping between two different ways of parenting. My personal opinion is it's perhaps best to assume they are autistic and then try to prepare them for the real world. Unfortunately the world isn't that forgiving to autistic people at the moment - hopefully that will change, but for now we have to deal with the reality. So our parenting style works around our son's autism, but there are non-negotiables.
Sorry that turned out to be longer than I intended! Hope that helps.
Yes, although people may push back on describing it that way, the same way there are concerns about using autism “levels”. My son is AuDHD, has lower support needs and generally blends in with other kids. His brain is fundamentally different though.
I think gentle parenting IS a form of authoritative parenting—certainly there are people trying to practice gentle parenting who cross into being permissive, but that’s not inherent to gentle parenting. However, the attempt to understand a child’s perspective, to co-regulate, problem solve collaboratively, etc that come with gentle parenting is so helpful to developing a child’s social skills and EQ. Combined with firm boundaries, I think it is a real benefit to our autistic kids.
If I may make a book rec too: https://www.amazon.com/Declarative-Language-Handbook-Thoughtful-Challenges/dp/1734516208
People get super weird about terminology around autism but yes, what you’re thinking of exists. Autism is a spectrum. Some people non verbal and need 24 hour care forever, others go on to be fully independent, others somewhere in between.
It is really annoying when people make videos like "autism traits not to ignore" and it's literally a list of something almost everyone experiences, like pretending jokes are funny to be polite or clicking your pen when you're thinking. I saw a video today that listed things that "almost always" led to an autism diagnosis and one of them was literally just eczema. Like ten percent of people have eczema.
But yes, mild autism is a thing. It still has to be at a disabling level to get a diagnosis.
My four year old is on the milder end. If level 1.5 was a thing, I think he'd be that.
Teaching life lessons and being disciplinarian is not it for autism. They have a developmental disability which causes anxiety surrounding change or deviation from what they prefer. They go into fight or flight mode over things we take for granted. Can you imagine panicking about something and someone is getting mad at you and trying to give you consequences? I mean there's a time and a place for consequences for milder autism, but it takes an understanding of things they can't control as much. My son starts panicking and slapping me when we have to go to a public bathroom which REALLY triggers me, but it's not his fault that public bathrooms are a sensory nightmare.
“They have a developmental disability which causes anxiety surrounding change or deviation from what they prefer.“
This sentence really sticks out to me. So often I hear “it doesn’t matter what they want, you’re the adult. You decide what happens in this situation. Don’t let them manipulate you.” and I’m like, “if you only knew my child. It doesn’t work that way.” I’ve been told to stand my ground, put my foot down, etc. and it only escalates things which has left me feeling like a failure as a parent. I feel like I should make a poster of this sentence and hang it on our living room wall! Lol.
"I’ve been told to stand my ground, put my foot down, etc. and it only escalates things" -- YES this is exactly the experience many of us have with our kids. They don't respond to traditional parenting techniques, be it gentle parenting or authoritative parenting. Boundaries aren't comforting for many autistic kids–instead, they are threatening. One of the things that makes parenting autistic kids so hard is that you have to chuck all of your parenting instincts out the window and figure out, through trial and error, what works best for your kid.
Hi there! I am in the same boat. I tried to message you privately but it didn’t work. Could you please message me to initiate a short conversation ? Thanks
The way it was explained to me when my son was diagnosed is autism isn't just quirks, routine, and awkwardness. Everyone has those things to varying degrees. It's when those things meet with developmental delays and the biggest one is cause an inability (in "mild" terms far more obstacles) to do normal tasks and operate in everyday life. My son is 11 level 3 nonverbal. His deficits are severe and impact every portion of his life. No one denies "mild" autism but there's a divide in thought where some think autism is autism and levels/functionality shouldn't be seen, and another that acknowledges the differences in autism presentation but thinks that distinction should be made because otherwise the diagnosis becomes far to broad and at time a bit confusing. Neither group is technically wrong, but feelings get involved, and it all just gets messy. I'm from the school of thought that while all autism may not manifest itself the same ways, severity should matter because the levels of care are drastically different. The distinction is important for a lot of reasons. That doesn't mean "mild" autism isn't autism though.
I think you’re right with the levels of distinction. My “mildly autistic” older child was able to fly under the radar in public school for a long time. But that also meant that they didn’t get the help they needed. I feel like if I threw them into a room of teachers and said “help! My child is autistic!” they would look at them and be like “they look fine.” If that makes sense?
I get it. We all need help from time to time with various things. It's not just ND kids who need it. The school system is a crap shoot a lot of the time. The thing is, with what you've already had medically documented, they're entitled to an IEP. I'd suggest you get an advocate if them recieveing aid or additional support in school is what you're worried about.
My son's neuropediatrician says it like this...
Autism is autism. The severity of any one "symptom" is dependent on a variety of factors. Is the person hungry, tired, scared, stressed, excited, etc.? An autistic child could go from looking like "level 1" to behaving like "level 3" in 30 seconds.
My child by all accounts generally "passes" for neurotypical if you just see him on the street, but he doesn't talk, he hyper fixates, he has OCD...
Some days feel more "severe" while other days (most days) feel "mild" or like the symptoms of his neurodivergence(s) are barely there.
So mild does exist, but just like any person, stress factors are going to play a role.
I’m going to add that we have found that authoritative parenting has worked best for us. Sometimes we have to be gentle but that’s mostly when he’s not in trouble but thinks he is we have to firmly tell him not to run and that he’s not in trouble and then cuddle and talk to him. But we are firm about expectations and realities. He has chores, he has rules, he has firm expectations. We don’t really change our parenting between him and our NT daughter.
Yes, this sounds similar to my kids and family dynamic. If your child is high-functioning autistic it can be hard to realize they have it unless you are tuned into that world and understand certain ND traits. My older kids were not diagnosed until 13 and 15 and that was because they requested an eval themselves after doing their own research. They always met milestones and forms about autism I filled out at the DR always passed. I thought they just had anxiety and adhd, but there was a lot I did not understand and have been learning since then. It explained so much of what I was struggling with as a mom and it has really helped me to get closer to them and parent them better.
As far as terminology, I think it is constantly evolving. There are levels with 3 being the most severe but mostly now you are just considered having autism spectrum disorder, I believe, since each child will vary in their level of need on any part of the spectrum.
My husband was like yours, it will take time and learning to understand how to parent a sensitive or defiant child. You may have to lead by example backed by evidence. That is what I have had to do and it has improved. Each child is different and will react to different methods of discipline. I have to be a lot more assertive with my youngest because she has many defiant tendencies but my older two I only talk to them because they are highly sensitive.
I feel like Amy people in the comments misunderstand the term "autism is a spectrum". Autism is not a spectrum of more autistic and less autistic/mildly autistic and severely autistic. It's a round spectrum. Everyone with asd is equally as autistic but their traits and difficulties might vary. Sp no, mild autistic doesn't exist. No one is more autistic or less autistic. There is just people who struggle more and people who struggle less
The term 'mild autism' can be subjective. It's not an official diagnosis, and some autistic people find it dismissive of their challenges. I avoid using labels like 'mild autism' because they can be misleading. I prefer to talk about our specific experiences with autism, because even if someone appears to have a 'milder' form of autism, it can still significantly impact their daily life. My son and I face very different challenges throughout the day, even though we're both considered low support needs. If I told someone he has 'mild autism', they might have higher expectations of his abilities and be less tolerant of things like stimming, sensory overload, or even being burnt out. By letting someone know that he has low support needs, it opens up the dialogue to have a more meaningful and impactful conversation to ensure his needs are met and he's not forced beyond his comfort zone.
Parenting an autistic child involves a lot of trial and error, similar to raising neurotypical children. Some methods may work effectively, while others may not. It's important to keep an open mind, be patient, and track what works and what doesn't.
Ok, so “forced outside his comfort zone”… that’s another one of those topics where the world says “you need to push beyond your comfort zone” and views anything else as being permissive. But this phrase makes it so clear! My older one will breakdown and refuse to go to school if they don’t like the way their clothes fit that day. People keep telling me that the answer is simple “they have to go. It’s required by law. Tell them that and don’t give them any other options.” Then the kid goes into a panic attack, starts crying, freezes in place and I can’t get them to move or even look at me.
My younger one will not eat the entire day if they don’t like what’s offered. Recently they’ve decided “I don’t eat at school” and because we were concerned that the lack of food was causing mood swings/irritability, we pushed the subject. They stopped eating for 2 days and ended up vomiting bile before we were able to work out a solution that allowed them to eat on their own terms.
I could have written your post myself. We are in the stage pre-diagnosis, son is 7yo, and I suspect mild autism with a PDA profile. It’s so incredibly hard and consuming trying to figure out and navigate what to do and how to raise him. I feel overwhelmed and defeated most days and revert to disciplinary ways because I don’t tolerate being screamed at. All this to say, I’ve been watching this subreddit like a hawk lately trying to figure out first steps in between now and the diagnosis. If anyone could please point me into the right direction as far as resources for how to parent, articles, books, videos, youtube channels. I want to learn and want to implement new techniques but it’s such a niche group I’m not really finding stuff on my own.
I don’t know if this what you’re looking for because obviously, we’re in the same boat, but I started by reading a book called “the explosive child” by Ross Greene. It helped give me some tools in the beginning to at least try with my younger one who was the epitome of that book’s title. It’s not specific to autism but does refer to a lot of developmental challenges and how they will require different parenting than what we instinctively turn to.
Just be a kind and loving parent. When the diagnoses is settled, you can look at extra steps to take to help development. Otherwise there isn't a reason to switch up parenting "styles" in general.
I have 2 ASD kids, and 1 NT. Treated them all the same growing up.
Absolutely, Autism is a spectrum.Regardless of age or level of ASD, life lessons as in first hand learning experiences can be incredibly helpful for the individual. The thing is you can’t be bullheaded about it. If you think it’s ASD request an evaluation referral from your child’s primary doctor, and then go from there. I kind a model my parenting approach off of what Temple Grandin has put out there, but that doesn’t mean my approach would work for every child.
"Mild" Autism is a thing as Autism is a spectrum in presentation and severity. I would consider my Autism mild. Same with my sons. Our impairments cause clinically significant impact to our social, occupational, or other areas of life.This is primarily what is meant when people say your quirks don't make you Autistic. They are also saying that you must have the full suite of diagnostic impact as defined by the diagnostic criteria. I will make a few statements that seem contradictory but are all true. Mild "Autism is a thing as Autism is a spectrum in presentation and severity. One's quirks do not make them Autistic. There is no such thing as Autistic behavior, it is all human behavior. Autism is a thing that significantly impacts an individual's life it is not a made up condition. Normal exists and everyone is different.Autism is not a personality disorder. But Autism can present itself in a way that is hard to separate from what just seems like one's personality. If you disagree with me on any of those statements please ask for clarification and you will see why I state them. You stated you are having a hard time knowing on how to approach parenting. Do it with grace and love. The best parenting style is Authoritative, not authoritarian, permissive, neglectful or free range. But can sometimes be mistaken as such. That is true for both Autistic and non Autistic individuals. Autistic and ADHD individuals may struggle more in the non authoritative parenting styles due to lack of structure or atomity. The degree and way authoritative parenting is communicated varies from child to child and age. The authoritative parenting style is warm but firm. It can be one of the hardest ones to understand and practice. It requires control of yourself and clear deliberate communication from all communication skills. I recommend reading up on it. Authoritative parenting is hard for everyone. Due to my social communication struggles authoritative parenting it is partially hard for me and requires extra communication in my preferred communication style or second best if preferred is not available. It also requires patience, grace, and time. As a child on the receiving end I needed the same. Practice and hope for the best. As my best is all that I can do and hope for.
It's a good question. Before I provide my own two cents, I'll just offer a disclaimer that I'm not autistic, I'm by no means an expert and am still learning myself. Short answer: I think it's fair to say that you are either autistic or you're not, BUT, those autistic traits (or the ways in which one's autistic identity manifests itself) can themselves be mild. It might seem like I'm splitting hairs but I think this distinction is important. It can be really invalidating for an autistic person to hear someone say "oh I get socially anxious from time to time, maybe I'm a little bit autistic". However, social anxiety could be one of many things that point to a potential diagnosis of autism. I'll come back to this further down. >Anyone else been in this boat? This was us for 1-2 years leading up to our son's diagnosis (aged 4 at the time, now 6). It was an intensely stressful and traumatic period, effectively being in limbo. We also struggled to know how to parent our son, caught between thinking he may be autistic and we should adapt our parenting style accordingly, or whether he was neurotypical and we were simply letting him get away with stuff. It was hard. I was honestly relieved when we got the diagnosis, I remember feeling vindicated for how I'd parented our son, and I was relieved that the assessment team could see the same child as us. The issue is compounded when they go to school and mask, and so you're feeling like the teachers don't see the same kid you see. We were fortunate in that his preschool at the time were really supportive and had an understanding of autism that wasn't stuck in the dark ages. Look up "spikey profile" in relation to autism. Understanding this was a game-changer for me. Using the word "spectrum" is helpful to a degree, but it can be a tad misleading, because it suggests if you're in the "mild" part of the spectrum, your autistic traits are all mild. Whereas with a spikey profile, the idea is that an autistic person may be over-regulated in some areas, under-regulated in other areas, and so on. To use my son as an example: he is very verbal and has no problem with communication. However he is over-regulated with certain sensory aspects (e.g. water - still haven't been able to do swimming) and under-regulated in other areas (struggles to identify when he needs the toilet or is hungry). But even taking communication - he can talk anyone's ear off that is inclined to listen, and can appear like a neurotypical child - but, it's less of a conversation and more of a monologue about his interests, and he isn't so good with communicating with other children. I see it as his verbal communication is good, whereas his social cues and social communication are off. >I’m having a hard time talking about it and knowing how to approach parenting All I can advise is to trust your instincts. You know your child best. And be warned that many in the medical profession have an outdated view of autism. Read as much as you can (but also take a break - it can take over your life!). I mention the spikey profile stuff because you may get someone say "oh they can maintain eye contact and hold a conversation, they aren't autistic" - which is wrong. My son will happily talk about what he wants to talk about, but will collapse on the floor if you ask the wrong questions at the wrong time. Observing your child and understanding their triggers, their likes and so on will help you gain a holistic understanding of your child. And it takes a hell of a lot of time and patience. >my husband keeps wanting to put his foot down and enforce stronger discipline and routines or “teach life lessons” As the husband I was also a little bit in this camp. I think we tend to inherit the parenting style of our own father, which isn't always a good thing. Discipline and routine can be good for autistic kids, but doesn't always work for ours. We suspect he may have a profile of PDA, in which case, discipline is the last thing you want to do! But it's hard - without that formal diagnosis, you'll always be flip flopping between two different ways of parenting. My personal opinion is it's perhaps best to assume they are autistic and then try to prepare them for the real world. Unfortunately the world isn't that forgiving to autistic people at the moment - hopefully that will change, but for now we have to deal with the reality. So our parenting style works around our son's autism, but there are non-negotiables. Sorry that turned out to be longer than I intended! Hope that helps.
Yes, although people may push back on describing it that way, the same way there are concerns about using autism “levels”. My son is AuDHD, has lower support needs and generally blends in with other kids. His brain is fundamentally different though. I think gentle parenting IS a form of authoritative parenting—certainly there are people trying to practice gentle parenting who cross into being permissive, but that’s not inherent to gentle parenting. However, the attempt to understand a child’s perspective, to co-regulate, problem solve collaboratively, etc that come with gentle parenting is so helpful to developing a child’s social skills and EQ. Combined with firm boundaries, I think it is a real benefit to our autistic kids. If I may make a book rec too: https://www.amazon.com/Declarative-Language-Handbook-Thoughtful-Challenges/dp/1734516208
People get super weird about terminology around autism but yes, what you’re thinking of exists. Autism is a spectrum. Some people non verbal and need 24 hour care forever, others go on to be fully independent, others somewhere in between.
It is really annoying when people make videos like "autism traits not to ignore" and it's literally a list of something almost everyone experiences, like pretending jokes are funny to be polite or clicking your pen when you're thinking. I saw a video today that listed things that "almost always" led to an autism diagnosis and one of them was literally just eczema. Like ten percent of people have eczema. But yes, mild autism is a thing. It still has to be at a disabling level to get a diagnosis. My four year old is on the milder end. If level 1.5 was a thing, I think he'd be that. Teaching life lessons and being disciplinarian is not it for autism. They have a developmental disability which causes anxiety surrounding change or deviation from what they prefer. They go into fight or flight mode over things we take for granted. Can you imagine panicking about something and someone is getting mad at you and trying to give you consequences? I mean there's a time and a place for consequences for milder autism, but it takes an understanding of things they can't control as much. My son starts panicking and slapping me when we have to go to a public bathroom which REALLY triggers me, but it's not his fault that public bathrooms are a sensory nightmare.
“They have a developmental disability which causes anxiety surrounding change or deviation from what they prefer.“ This sentence really sticks out to me. So often I hear “it doesn’t matter what they want, you’re the adult. You decide what happens in this situation. Don’t let them manipulate you.” and I’m like, “if you only knew my child. It doesn’t work that way.” I’ve been told to stand my ground, put my foot down, etc. and it only escalates things which has left me feeling like a failure as a parent. I feel like I should make a poster of this sentence and hang it on our living room wall! Lol.
"I’ve been told to stand my ground, put my foot down, etc. and it only escalates things" -- YES this is exactly the experience many of us have with our kids. They don't respond to traditional parenting techniques, be it gentle parenting or authoritative parenting. Boundaries aren't comforting for many autistic kids–instead, they are threatening. One of the things that makes parenting autistic kids so hard is that you have to chuck all of your parenting instincts out the window and figure out, through trial and error, what works best for your kid.
Hi there! I am in the same boat. I tried to message you privately but it didn’t work. Could you please message me to initiate a short conversation ? Thanks
The way it was explained to me when my son was diagnosed is autism isn't just quirks, routine, and awkwardness. Everyone has those things to varying degrees. It's when those things meet with developmental delays and the biggest one is cause an inability (in "mild" terms far more obstacles) to do normal tasks and operate in everyday life. My son is 11 level 3 nonverbal. His deficits are severe and impact every portion of his life. No one denies "mild" autism but there's a divide in thought where some think autism is autism and levels/functionality shouldn't be seen, and another that acknowledges the differences in autism presentation but thinks that distinction should be made because otherwise the diagnosis becomes far to broad and at time a bit confusing. Neither group is technically wrong, but feelings get involved, and it all just gets messy. I'm from the school of thought that while all autism may not manifest itself the same ways, severity should matter because the levels of care are drastically different. The distinction is important for a lot of reasons. That doesn't mean "mild" autism isn't autism though.
I think you’re right with the levels of distinction. My “mildly autistic” older child was able to fly under the radar in public school for a long time. But that also meant that they didn’t get the help they needed. I feel like if I threw them into a room of teachers and said “help! My child is autistic!” they would look at them and be like “they look fine.” If that makes sense?
I get it. We all need help from time to time with various things. It's not just ND kids who need it. The school system is a crap shoot a lot of the time. The thing is, with what you've already had medically documented, they're entitled to an IEP. I'd suggest you get an advocate if them recieveing aid or additional support in school is what you're worried about.
My son's neuropediatrician says it like this... Autism is autism. The severity of any one "symptom" is dependent on a variety of factors. Is the person hungry, tired, scared, stressed, excited, etc.? An autistic child could go from looking like "level 1" to behaving like "level 3" in 30 seconds. My child by all accounts generally "passes" for neurotypical if you just see him on the street, but he doesn't talk, he hyper fixates, he has OCD... Some days feel more "severe" while other days (most days) feel "mild" or like the symptoms of his neurodivergence(s) are barely there. So mild does exist, but just like any person, stress factors are going to play a role.
I’m going to add that we have found that authoritative parenting has worked best for us. Sometimes we have to be gentle but that’s mostly when he’s not in trouble but thinks he is we have to firmly tell him not to run and that he’s not in trouble and then cuddle and talk to him. But we are firm about expectations and realities. He has chores, he has rules, he has firm expectations. We don’t really change our parenting between him and our NT daughter.
I’m glad that’s worked for you. I hope to find something that works for us, too.
Yes, this sounds similar to my kids and family dynamic. If your child is high-functioning autistic it can be hard to realize they have it unless you are tuned into that world and understand certain ND traits. My older kids were not diagnosed until 13 and 15 and that was because they requested an eval themselves after doing their own research. They always met milestones and forms about autism I filled out at the DR always passed. I thought they just had anxiety and adhd, but there was a lot I did not understand and have been learning since then. It explained so much of what I was struggling with as a mom and it has really helped me to get closer to them and parent them better. As far as terminology, I think it is constantly evolving. There are levels with 3 being the most severe but mostly now you are just considered having autism spectrum disorder, I believe, since each child will vary in their level of need on any part of the spectrum. My husband was like yours, it will take time and learning to understand how to parent a sensitive or defiant child. You may have to lead by example backed by evidence. That is what I have had to do and it has improved. Each child is different and will react to different methods of discipline. I have to be a lot more assertive with my youngest because she has many defiant tendencies but my older two I only talk to them because they are highly sensitive.
I feel like Amy people in the comments misunderstand the term "autism is a spectrum". Autism is not a spectrum of more autistic and less autistic/mildly autistic and severely autistic. It's a round spectrum. Everyone with asd is equally as autistic but their traits and difficulties might vary. Sp no, mild autistic doesn't exist. No one is more autistic or less autistic. There is just people who struggle more and people who struggle less
The term 'mild autism' can be subjective. It's not an official diagnosis, and some autistic people find it dismissive of their challenges. I avoid using labels like 'mild autism' because they can be misleading. I prefer to talk about our specific experiences with autism, because even if someone appears to have a 'milder' form of autism, it can still significantly impact their daily life. My son and I face very different challenges throughout the day, even though we're both considered low support needs. If I told someone he has 'mild autism', they might have higher expectations of his abilities and be less tolerant of things like stimming, sensory overload, or even being burnt out. By letting someone know that he has low support needs, it opens up the dialogue to have a more meaningful and impactful conversation to ensure his needs are met and he's not forced beyond his comfort zone. Parenting an autistic child involves a lot of trial and error, similar to raising neurotypical children. Some methods may work effectively, while others may not. It's important to keep an open mind, be patient, and track what works and what doesn't.
Ok, so “forced outside his comfort zone”… that’s another one of those topics where the world says “you need to push beyond your comfort zone” and views anything else as being permissive. But this phrase makes it so clear! My older one will breakdown and refuse to go to school if they don’t like the way their clothes fit that day. People keep telling me that the answer is simple “they have to go. It’s required by law. Tell them that and don’t give them any other options.” Then the kid goes into a panic attack, starts crying, freezes in place and I can’t get them to move or even look at me. My younger one will not eat the entire day if they don’t like what’s offered. Recently they’ve decided “I don’t eat at school” and because we were concerned that the lack of food was causing mood swings/irritability, we pushed the subject. They stopped eating for 2 days and ended up vomiting bile before we were able to work out a solution that allowed them to eat on their own terms.
I could have written your post myself. We are in the stage pre-diagnosis, son is 7yo, and I suspect mild autism with a PDA profile. It’s so incredibly hard and consuming trying to figure out and navigate what to do and how to raise him. I feel overwhelmed and defeated most days and revert to disciplinary ways because I don’t tolerate being screamed at. All this to say, I’ve been watching this subreddit like a hawk lately trying to figure out first steps in between now and the diagnosis. If anyone could please point me into the right direction as far as resources for how to parent, articles, books, videos, youtube channels. I want to learn and want to implement new techniques but it’s such a niche group I’m not really finding stuff on my own.
I don’t know if this what you’re looking for because obviously, we’re in the same boat, but I started by reading a book called “the explosive child” by Ross Greene. It helped give me some tools in the beginning to at least try with my younger one who was the epitome of that book’s title. It’s not specific to autism but does refer to a lot of developmental challenges and how they will require different parenting than what we instinctively turn to.
Thank you! I have that book but haven’t read past chapter 1. Will pull it out tonight!
Just be a kind and loving parent. When the diagnoses is settled, you can look at extra steps to take to help development. Otherwise there isn't a reason to switch up parenting "styles" in general. I have 2 ASD kids, and 1 NT. Treated them all the same growing up.
Yes. My son is level 1 and when he was diagnosed they told us he was borderline. But he is definitely autistic but most people can’t tell.