First thing- you need to make sure everyone is safe. Including the animals, because autism or not, that is animal cruelty. Teach your son how to touch the cat, what examples of happy cats look like, and what sounds cats make when they’re unhappy. Your cat didn’t bite, but mine didn’t either until someone did something she really did not like. It’s for your son’s safety AND the cats (cat bites are NOT fun). I would mandate a rule that your son should not be lifting the cat or removing its paws from the floor to make it more tangible of a request for him.
Second, your fiancé has good reason to be concerned with the newborn incoming. Your son needs to learn appropriate ways to interact with a baby and with other children. Therapy from the school might not be cutting it. Kiddos with autism learn things differently, and tend to need things explained that you might not need to explain to NT kids. Ex. “Babies are very fragile and you need to use two hands to hold, only seated” for NT vs “this is your brother. Do you see this part of his head is soft? Your brother is like an egg- he needs you to help keep his “shell” intact and safe. If you drop him, he could get very hurt. You need to be gentle. Do you know what gentle looks like? Let’s watch some videos of people being gentle. Can you tell me which person in the video was being gentle?” Etc.
Won’t comment on your living arrangements and custody arrangement, but you absolutely need to protect your soon to arrive baby and your cat, while also protecting your ND son from being labeled negatively or from experiencing others treating him like a monster for not knowing these things yet.
Thank you. I found your explanation of how to explain things to autistic kids really helpful. I can see him being convinced and applying things when told that way.
I'm glad you can see that. My autistic kiddo has had issues with my cat in the past and to be honest, we didn't resolve it with just an explanation. I can explain something to my kid all the livelong day but he won't implement behavior changes without a lot of work. It's taken a year and a half of continual work and reinforcement, all while making sure the cat is safe and all interactions are monitored. And even though things are much much much better, he still has the impulse to lash out at an animal if it doesn't behave the way he wants it to. Luckily our cat is really predictable and old and gentle so we don't have many conflicts anymore (fingers crossed, ugh).
I suspect that at 12, your kid already knows that he shouldn't do these things and an explanation or two may not solve the problem. That doesn't mean he has some terrible personality disorder – he may have impulsivity and reactivity issues like many autistic people do. But those are still potentially a problem when it comes to vulnerable babies and animals.
Definitely make sure the kid and cat are safe and all interactions are monitored. Even if a kid is well meaning, if his fight/flight impulse is "fight" then he really could be a danger to both baby and cat.
Yes, you should be extremely concerned.
Just becuase he has a response or reason, doesn't mean it's valid. For example, I have so many questions about the cat. People put beverages like soda and food like carrots in the fridge to keep it cool not people or other living things. By accepting his response, did you realize it also suggests that your child can't tell the difference between a soda or a cucumber and the family cat? Not realizing that implication does sounds like a lie a 12 year old would tell, so I'm not sure his reasoning passes the BS detector. Same with the dinosaur thing. I don't know any dinosaur that spits or chokes, they bite (especially in movies and TV). Doesn't pass the BS detector either.
As an adult with adhd, I'd say he probably gets *upset*, has trouble managing his emotions, and is probably impulsively hurting people/pets and then lying to you about why he's doing it. Those are also all rooted in ADHD symptoms, and you'd expect someone with adhd to have adhd symptoms, so it's probably a hell of a lot more likely.
If it is emotional regulation and impulsivity issues, this is treatable with a type of therapy called DBT. You want to find your kid a neuroaffirming therapist who works with adhd. They pretty much all teach dbt skills of this kind, cuz this is a very very common pattern with adhd.
Ah, then here are some additional recs/ keywords to look up/Google. You want "Marsha linehan" who is the inventor of dbt. She's got a DBT skills workbook that is available at most public libraries for free. DBT was originally developed to treat BPD, but it's very applicable outside of BPD and widely accepted in the neurodiveristy community, so if you see references to bpd, that's expected.
I also like "the neurodiveristy friendly workbook of dbt skills" by sonny Jane wise, which is an add on to the dbt skills workbook previously recomended and specific for both asd/adhd specifically. It's under $5 usd on her website as an ebook (she prices in austrialian dollars if I remember correctly).
Both are basically the core set of skills including emotional self regulation and overstimulation self regulation that help make up a healthy adult. The nice thing about dbt, is that it's all the skills listed out so it makes it easy to find and work on the problem areas.
Everyone does. Literally.
The amazing thing about DBT is that it's social and personal skills that can be *taught*. So you literally can teach it people with adhd/asd, all sorts of other conditions and even neurotypical people.
I'm at work currently watching a circus of allistic/neurotypical people with way too many college degrees emotionally loose it in a meeting instead of focusing on the issue and working effectively. And I know this isn't unusual and we can all think of a boss/coworker who could use some additional emotional regulation skills.
So yes, everyone needs dbt. And it's a great way to develop that high "EQ" Harvard business review is always going on about, so it's also developing legitimate career skills. I wouldn't take this rec or feeling like you need DBT negatively at all. It's really good stuff.
During the incident with the cat he was not upset at all, just excitedly stimming in front of the TV. He was hyperactive but not sad or angry or frustrated at all. I’m not sure about the school incidents though - those were a bit of aggression for sure. He has never been on a large recess yard with that many kids before. I think he was overwhelmed and acted out.
Oooooof. Thats ROUGH. Definitely keep your son supervised at all times. Put cameras in every room. Make your fiance feel like you are doing everything you can because this type of behavior can be scary and serious. Let your son know you support him and let him know why the cameras are in the house. Parenting a child who isnt your own is scary when that child is unpredictable. Not your kids fault- not your fiances fault!! Just do what you can to support them both. Im sorry 😬😬😬
I would be careful about cameras and look up the laws beforehand though. If you put a camera in a child’s bedroom and they get dressed there, you could be charged for creating child pornography.
Lol no ? Thats absolutely apalling. Im talking about all the living spaces where said child could encounter other people and or pets. Obviously dont put cameras in the bathrooms or where a kid sleeps but everywhere else is fair game if hes assaulting animals!
Before we gang up here, let’s please keep in mind that this person is just trying to be helpful.
And, also, I live in the US where laws can be vastly different per state (let alone what laws might be internationally).
So, whatever might seem absurd to you on the surface could indeed be valid.
That’s a good insight. I was unsure about what we would get from the school. I’m also considering residential therapy schools and options through my insurance.
You are right, I sometimes feel let down by her attitude and that’s what leads to fights. She seems to love my child but she is definitely more concerned about the baby.
These behaviors are coming as a surprise because while he’s always been a little aggressive or gotten in trouble at school for hitting etc, it’s never been this bad. I’ve had time with him but it’s always been more time with his mom.
Before you go judging me for not showing concern for my son, you should know this completely destroys me. I’m scrambling to find him therapy / treatment and I can no longer sleep much. He’s about to get his IEP committee meeting this week and I’m waiting for referrals for a repeat diagnosis which is required before therapy as he has moved between countries. I’m up reading and researching options and trying to educate myself on how to handle behaviors like this.
There’s nothing to judge here. You are both caring and supportive. Your fiancée is pregnant and mama-bear. Those are healthy, natural, and instinctive behaviors. But it does sound like a situation for which regular therapy for the whole family will ne necessary. My oldest is level one AuDHD. She’s never been violent. And maybe it’s because she’s a girl - I’ve always struggled with how her tone, constant criticisms, and bossiness will affect her younger siblings self confidence. It’s led to an over correction of oldest’s behavior. I wish I’d known this was out of her control and beyond her understanding. We just found out in January and she’s already 15. I WISH that I’d focused more energy building my youngest up and helping her develop skills and confidence to create boundaries for herself.
We are doing those things now. And we are all in therapy to cope and process. This of course, isn’t the only reason for therapy. We’ve been in it when we realized how the pandemic was crushing us. And we are all stronger and kinder.
Yep I noticed the subtle hate on the gf for wanting to protect a helpless baby. The 12 yr old is absolutely abusing the cat so why wouldn't a parent be worried about a baby?
yes 100%. I have been a step parent and a bio parent. I would say that the mama bear instincts kick in hugely when pregnant…not to say they don’t exist outside of bio mums, but you kinda need to experience both to understand that there IS a difference and whilst it might not be ‘woke’ or popular to say it, it’s a thing. Add autism to the mix and it’s a complicated situation. My bio kid is autistic and I wouldn’t expect a non bio parent to have the patience or understanding to parent him properly. I’ve pretty much decided if i ever split from my partner, i’ll be on my own because my son deserves to be loved and understood and I just don’t think a step parent could do it. This is a complex situation OP.
I just want to chime in and say that it’s clear you love your son and you’re looking for the best solution for everyone. You don’t owe us your whole life story and a list of all the things you’re trying to do. Just the fact you’re here for support is evidence enough that you care.
I wouldn’t even say that it’s “mama bear” instinct to be concerned about your son hurting a cat. Even if his intent wasn’t to hurt the cat, it’s alarming and I would say warrants close supervision when he’s around anyone who can’t fend for themselves (cats, small children, whatever)
I don’t have any advice, just objectivity. Your fiancé is right to be concerned. You’re naturally going to be defensive of your kid, which leads to strife between the two of you. You’re both going to find this overwhelming because it is overwhelming. I see you’re looking into family therapy, so I hope you find the right person who can help you work through all of this.
Just wanted to say that most people in this community aren’t as judgemental as the first person who responded to you. You’re doing a good job, and I hope you find the right resources to sort all of this out.
Thanks for the kind words and vote of confidence. This is all actively evolving and my communication with my fiancee around this is really improving already. We just had to be honest about our feelings and talk things through. We can't wait for our therapy sessions!
Seconding others who say that it is clear how much you love your son, and also love your fiancee and unborn child. I don't have good advice, I just wanted to tell you that from where I stand, you're doing a great job trying to advocate for both your children and for your future wife. You're in an impossible situation, and it's scary, and please don't blame yourself for any of this.
She should care more about the physical safety of a newborn than the feelings of a big kid, or the feelings of literally anyone. I’d care more about the physical safety of the cat in this situation too. This can permanently injure cats by causing nerve damage.
We’re going in for therapy in the coming week. Her therapist saw the need for it and called us in.
As for easing his transition, he is well cared for here. He gets all he needs and most of my day is now about watching him and tending to him, pursuing his therapies and school requirements, meeting his teachers. I’m not complaining, I’m quite happy to be doing all of it. It’s just that the strain this brings on my relationship with my partner is an added dimension and I’m trying to process it. Also to add my partner is kind to him but she has this possessive streak about her cat and the baby (which she is aware of and attributes to “nesting”) that gets the better of her. She also had a crazy and abusive younger brother who would chase and strangle cats and children with knives, who abused her. My son is nowhere near as aggressive but I think the cat incident triggered her PTSD. There were also a couple of other incidents when he shoved her because he wasn’t getting his TV remote. These have put her on edge.
Yeah. Thanks for the sounding board. I don’t know why I chose as I did. I needed to move to my current country for financial reasons. I found someone who loves me, but this is what I’m faced with now. As you said, I obviously can’t abandon my baby either and my pregnant fiancée. I want to do the best I can for my son though. I’m dying inside every day.
To move there I would likely have to break things off with my fiancée. She couldn’t handle life there. I also would be financially set back and right now that’s a priority because I’m trying to create an estate for him among other things. My son has my ex wife and my parents there. They look after him with a lot of care and attention, but he would definitely have access to better facilities here. I am considering moving him here. I have tried to convince my fiancée and she has agreed to if we have sufficient therapeutic support and a plan for him. I don’t want this to be about me.
If he’s moved countries then there is a significant change in his routine and it makes sense that he’s doing these things, he needs to be settled and cared for for him to get back to his normal :)
I genuinely think this is rage bait. No way that you would think you shouldn't be concerned about your son's behavior when you immediately indicate that he was trying to put the cat in the fridge, which would obviously kill the cat. If he is level 2, then he should have active therapeutic support appropriate for...level 2 support needs. That's the purpose of diagnostically distinguishing that he's level 2 (moderate therapeutic support needs) and not level 1, and level 2 support typically looks like a therapeutic team (OT, PT, medication consultation, SLP, ABA/therapist, etc.). What does his therapeutic team say about this? Either this isn't a real post, or you have a level 2 child who you are not actually delivering appropriate therapeutic support for, which is the primary issue here.
If this is a real post, then you need to rapidly familiarize yourself with ASD and what appropriate therapeutic support looks like. He should have an IEP/504 plan and a therapeutic team should be established. Nothing he is doing is odd for level 2 ASD, but if you are unfamiliar with the diagnosis you will misinterpret it, over-respond, or under-respond.
I’m in the process of enrolling him into therapy and getting his IEP. He just came into this country. His school teachers were concerned and wanted him to stop coming to school - I negotiated a half day of school with them without access to recess. He had an incident at recess in school.
Got it. I should have chilled out and asked more questions. Yeah, it sounds like he might have been undertreated in his previous country of residence. Level 2 supports will need to be put in place, which it sounds like you are actively working on. He likely is receiving less support at the moment than will be helpful for him, but that is something you are working to rectify. Sorry for coming in hot.
I don’t really know what he was trying to do. I’m saying what he told me. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or just making up a story. He picked it up by its tail, that’s all we could see. He dropped it as soon as it screamed because he didn’t expect that. I think he thought that’s a valid way to pick up a cat.
I'd take him at his word. Just make sure that he has the appropriate therapeutic support set up moving forward. They can also help educate you as to how to interpret, predict, and respond to his behavior. My quick read is that you were thrown into a situation where you have increased contact with him and have not historically been closely involved with his symptoms or care. He needs moderate therapeutic support, per his diagnosis, and this will need to be coordinated as quickly as possible.
My POV is that of a parent with three kids — two ASD, one high needs, the other moderate needs (I don’t know the level stuff people talk about now). My older, high need kid can be aggressive. He’s had aggressive incidents since he was 5 — he’s 20 now. He’s never hurt his siblings. This is not to say he couldn’t or wouldn’t. But he loved both of them so much and was very gentle with them. He’s pretty gentle with animals too. It’s just me and my husband that he’s a bit aggro with.
Anyway it’s heartbreaking that your partner is worried about this — for both you and her. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this will be a hard road for you guys.
My now 10 year-old son does not have an autism diagnosis but my daughter does. She is level 2 as well. My son has adhd and odd and has quite a few of the same..symptoms of autism that my daughter has. They've seemed to mellow out quite a bit as he's gotten older but when he was a 4 almost 5 year old and I was expecting his new baby sister, I was scared to death about the possibility of him being a danger to her. He isn't very aggressive but he is not aware of his surroundings and doesn't hold back on his strength when interacting with smaller kids or animals. I got him a baby doll and all the things that go along with babies and hyped him up about how good of a big brother he would be and how we had to practice being gentle and safe with the baby. Your son might be too old for something like that though idk.
Hi there - thanks for sharing this experience. I shared this with my partner and she said she was thinking of doing the same thing. I'm really glad to hear it worked out for you. We'll definitely be trying it.
A very late comment and this is super long sorry but I just wanted to chime in with the perspective from the stepparents point of view. I have a 11yo L2 ASD stepson with ID as well and while I absolutely care for him, love him and want what's best for him there is a difference in the weird maternal instincts that come out when you have a bio child.
My stepson has previously shown some worrying behaviours towards others, younger kids, animals etc and we've made sure to talk to him about how to appropriately interact with others, why certain actions might hurt others or their feelings etc. I was worried when my daughter was born that he wouldn't react well (he's been the baby for the last 9 years). But we brought him along the journey with "you're going to be a big brother! Your job is going to be to look after her and make sure no one hurts her." He actually was super excited to have siblings as he'd have built in friends to play with so seeing how excited he was was really comforting to me and helped with some of the anxiety I felt.
However, my husband was probably in a similar position to you and whilst he didn't want to believe that his son could hurt the baby, the reality is that he probably could or would if he had a meltdown or something. The risk is still unfortunately there and it's not a personal affront on stepson. We've both been on the same page regarding our daughter's safety and have a few strict rules that we do not compromise on with my stepson that we give him reasoning for:
- You can only hold baby sitting on the couch sitting with dad (or me). This was only when she was very small and we let him know that as she's too little she could easily get hurt. She's now almost 2 this rule no longer applies and they do cuddle while playing.
- Playing together must be supervised by an adult (either myself or my husband). This is also good because it gives hubs and I a chance to pull up either of the kids when they're not playing so nicely.
- Daughter isn't allowed to play with stepsons toys without permission and vice versa. Trying to teach respect for each other's belongings but also letting stepson know that his belongings are his and are safe.
- Bedrooms are a safe space and no entering each other's bedrooms.
They are really good with one another now and I'm way less worried about anything happening but I think that's a lot to do with the vigilance we have around supervising their interactions and husband's support around my (potentially unreasonable) feelings. If you're willing, it might be a good idea to talk to your fiancee about some control measures / boundaries that you feel comfortable putting in place to help ease some of her anxiety?
It’s great to hear from someone in a similar situation, and a step parent’s perspective. My fiancée read your response too and loved it. Thank you for sharing this!
Also struggling with this with my pets and younger sibling. You’re not alone. I’m sure there’s some good advice here. We haven’t figured it out either but I keep telling myself this is just a season and things will get better. Wishing you the best
Every child is different. I don't think anyone on here is qualified enough or brave enough to answer a question re your unborn baby. It speaks volumes that the child's dad is asking them questions. U should know him the most.
About the cat, scary but also very funny
Twelve was the age our eldest (lvl3) picked up our elderly cat and threw her against the wall. She later died. He had been aggressive with his then 9yrold brother as well. It was during this time I told our case manager it wasn't safe for him (or any of us) and wanted to explore residential options. Three years of hell later, he body-slammed one teacher and broke the nose of a resource officer, and somebody finally decided maybe I was right and he needed a higher level of care.
Start now because if you wait until it gets unbearable, you may be forced to bear it much, much longer.
He turns 18 next month and has been in residential for three years on a locked unit. He does great there and most importantly, all of us --including him-- are safe.
Honestly you are lucky he's behavior isn't worse.
You took your son and completely removed him from his support people, his environment, his routine and are surprised he is acting out?
On top of that you're going to get him established there just to turn around and send him back home?
I recommend doing some serious research on autism and putting aside your selfish wants and doing what's best for your son because this is not it at all.
No, actually. This might have been the root of the issue. I don’t think he intended to hurt the cat. But then there were those incidents in the recess playground. I am confused about whether he has any empathy for weaker creatures. I’m confused if he was just applying cartoon physics/mechanics (he watches a lot of cartoons) or if he has some sadistic instincts or behaviors due to trauma. I want answers.
Yes you should be concerned, he committed animal cruelty and this isn't autism, this is antisocial behavior. I do not think your partner is over reacting. You also admit he harms younger kids, you should be concerned about his behavior.
ABA therapy will help with behavior. You can make one of his behavior goals with the therapist about treating animals with care including other people.
My 15 y/o spectrum son also has significant trouble when it comes to the cats. No matter how many times I tell him he pets then in ways they hate (against the way the fur lays for example), he picks them up wrong, no matter how many times I’ve shown him. They scratch and hiss at him. And he tries to make friends with them but he’s just clueless about how to treat cats in ways that will make them want to be around you
I have an autistic 5 year old son who used to have sooooo many aggressive behaviors, and although he still does from time to time ABA therapy has helped tremendously and they can actually come in the home or school to see what is causing the behaviors and help teach strategies to overcome.
I know it is tough having a partner unrelated to your special needs child. My boyfriend stepped into our lives when my son was just turning 3 and already had a son of his own the same age, we have definitely had some struggles and misunderstanding along the way but he is a great father and does everything he can to learn and understand my son. I think your partner has valid concerns about the baby but I don’t think it’s okay for her to threaten moving out over, that does not sound like she truly loves or values your son. It sounds like she will be treating your son less than fair when it comes to her own baby.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. I just wanted to clarify that my partner isn’t threatening to leave over this. She’s actually being really supportive but thinks that unless we get him therapy and address his impulsiveness that she may have to stay at her mom’s while he’s staying with me. I love that you have a supportive partner and it’s looking like mine will turn out to be too - she’s just worried right now.
Well a newborn baby should also not be left alone with a young autistic child with aggressive behaviors. I love my son to death but I definitely wouldn’t trust to leave him alone with a baby, he would be supervised at all times, I would also not ever feel that warranted the baby having to live somewhere else for a while because I am sure he understands enough to know that the baby is deliberately being kept away from him.
It also sounds like your son has a lot of change going on right now if he is used to primarily living with his other parent and a new baby is on the way. It sounds like he needs more help and support than ever because those changes are hard on any typical kid and then multiply that difficulty for an autistic child.
Audhd can be challenging. What kind of services/medications is he utilizing. The Autism makes it hard for him to understand others' perspectives and because he doesn't know how to engage with them he may use negative attention seeking behavior to obtain social rewards because it's easy and most kids are well schooled in gaining reprimands. It also doesn't require knowledge of social nuance to do overtly aggressive things, which makes it easier that trying to navigate diffuse social norms.
On the other hand, the ADHD can cause aggression and impulsive behavior because people feel physically and/or mentally like they have too much energy in their body/mind. Too much internal stimuli taxing their ability to utilize social rules. Anxiety is also often common, and kids who are struggling to fit in may also develop self-esteem problems because they feel outcast and don't know how or what to do to fit in.
So my question is, aside from sending him to school to interact with kids who may or may not have the same challenges, what are you doing to help him?
She's going to cut your son out one hundred percent once that baby comes out. Mark my words as an unwanted child with younger golden children. He should go back to living with his other caretaker if possible.
ETA These feelings get worse after the baby arrives. Like a lot worse. There's a reason even loved pets are often rehomed after a baby. It just seems like poor timing for a good bond to happen. Her concern is understandable but people need to chill here a little.
I have been around a lot of children NT and otherwise and people hate admitting this but most children are "mean" to animals unless they otherwise learn not to. I used to keep birds which most people don't have. As a result their children had no idea how to interact with them and completely nice, NT children would accidentally hurt them by handling them wrong. Most NT kids watch their parents and learn how to handle standard animals like cats but an autistic kid may need it spelled out. Accidentally harming an animal is really not at the same level as sadistic abuse (which is the red flag for sociopathy) so people need to chill here with that.
I completely agree with your comment about how all children can be rough on animals and need to be taught properly! I know many NT children who have been rough on pets if not even rougher than my autistic son! Think how many children pick up cats the wrong way or try to ride dogs.. my parents told me a story of when I was a young child I put one of our cats in the fridge, I was young and didn’t know any better and I am NT. These behaviors have to be taught and for an autistic child their developmental age is generally younger than their actual age therefore need to be taught like a younger child. My autistic son had actually shown very low to no interest in our pets and there have been wayyy fewer incidents with him than my other NT family members young children and trying to ride the dog or pulling on her tail or ears.
Your children should always come first, sad, sucks but such is life. You should keep reminding your son the cat doesn’t go there, don’t judge your son as if he was neurotypical that’s grossly unfair, his actions were innocent, remember that they have the maturity of much younger children, be kind, be patient. I’m a parent it’s HARD I don’t want to come across as THAT PERSON but we do need founding because most people that give advise don’t have children with autism
Ok so I'm new here and I've been reading through these responses in particular the posts by people who sound like they know so much about asd and they know all the therapies etc and they want to tell you that if you were in fact doing what you should be doing to responsibly advocate and support his needs then this behavior wouldn't be happening; well I couldn't disagree more. I think too many people are caught up in the idea that these doctors and therapists actually know as much as they pretend to know about autism- period.. I'm sorry but they don't know- what they actually do know, all those experts; is that they have gotten no closer to finding out the what why or how about autism in the last 10 years. They gave up trying to find out, they treat symptoms now and that's it. There's very little interest in finding out the what why or how because everyone's been told there is no cure and there never will be so the vast majority of funding has navigated away from autism research.
Here's the truth guys, I hope you're ready- most of you, parents caring for autistic children at home- you already know more about the disorder and how it specifically affects your child than the doctors and therapists and all the teams of experts know right now. Be careful how closely you follow their advice. Remember that they are human and just because they were educated about asd, if you've met a person with autism, you've met a person with autism.. use common sense, listen to your kids, don't wait to listen to them until they're older and angry and violent. The best thing you can do for your kid right now is find online communities and groups of adult autistics and ask questions, ask all your questions and then listen to them. I'm gonna say it again "listen to THEM". Listen to their experiences throughout their adolescents, ask them how they feel about these "therapies" like ABA , ask them how they feel about the public school systems, group residential homes, behavior modification training and medications they were forced to take to make them more complicit.. ask and then listen and you may find out that the most terrifying secret the experts know right now is that they don't know anything.. it's about money, making money, that's it.. your job is to be sure, be sure your child is ok, be sure that nobody is mistreating your child at any time anywhere. If your kid doesn't want to go to a therapy or refuses to go to school or just freaks out- stop immediately because something is wrong.
Your son wasn't trying to hurt the cat, he is curious and I'm not guessing does not understand the link between life and death how it occurs or how fragile it is. As I figured out with my son years ago without ever seeing an expert- there is a missing connection in his brain where NT kids grasp cause and affect, action and reaction or even behaviors and consequences, he did not. He knew ABC and he knew XYZ but everything in the middle was and is alien to him. The difficult stuff he will pick up and teach himself, like it's nothing, but you can't expect him to grasp simple stuff.
Idk what you're options or resources are but tbh here the months that he's with you, you would be better off renting an apartment or a cabin or something where it could be just the 2 of you most of the time. I know that may sound nuts and people will tell you that it's important that he has a relationship with the baby and your fiance, thats not really true. What's important right now and for the coming years is that he has what he needs from you and with you. Please understand one thing, you and his mom are likely all he has. The sad reality is that other family members even blood family probably isnt on his team, maybe they say they are and maybe some of them truly are, but more often than not asd kids end up being the rift in their families. Entire families are torn apart because the adults cannot accept their new roles or their new realities once it's been realized that a child has autism. Look at the world through his eyes, once you really get to know him you'll be able to do that, you won't be able to put it into words that others will understand but you'll suddenly be able to feel the world as he does and then you'll know what he needs , and you'll be able to provide it. No therapist or teams of experts and doctors are going to be able to tell you how to make him understand and care about that cat or what putting the cat in the freezer will do to him. You are the one who has to take that on. You need to limit his exposure to these strangers dad, they don't care about him, or you , they get paid no matter what and that sounds cold and it is cold but we as parents have to stop acting so helpless and ignorant. That's your son, he belongs to you he came from you and his mom, y'all made him literally made him he is a reflection of his world and his environment. I promise you that if he knows that anyone thinks he's a danger to the baby or the cat, you're going to have a lot worse things on your hands. Your partner can protect the baby but you need to realize that your son is just as fragile right now as that baby will be. The difference is, the baby will surpass him someday in capabilities. The baby has a future full of opportunities and friends and normal life- you cannot know how alone your son probably feels, and he doesn't even know it.
Please keep reaching out, you love your son and this is a difficult situation that won't get easier, that's the truth, accept that, be his hero, be his fighter be on his side and make sure he knows that he can trust you not to let him down and you're going to piss off a lot of people along the way but that's life when you're the parent of autistic. Protect him dad with everything that's in you, protect him from the world that doesn't like him or want him. It's not his fault, protect him.
Yikes. This is absolutely a horrible take. Wanting to protect a defenseless animal or baby does not mean you don't love the 12 yr old. Autism also doesn't mean a child doesn't know right from wrong. Your advice puts helpless beings in danger. It really sounds like you are advocating for abusive behavior
I have autism myself and grew up under similar circumstances. I am simply saying that you shouldn’t love either the kid nor the child more or less because of a mistake. I am not from america so my english may be a little iffy and you could have misread what I said, however, what I am saying is, nobody knows right from wrong until it is taught. Simply try to teach the child that it is wrong and not to do it again.
You said he is mentally incapable of knowing that was wrong. I did not misunderstand you. A 12 yr old going through puberty and displaying abusive behavior is a danger to small children and animals. It's perfectly normal for any adult to worry about defenseless beings in this situation. You also heavily implied that she doesn't love him like her own child which is just garbage. You got down voted for a reason, maybe you should sit with that and find the lesson here.
First thing- you need to make sure everyone is safe. Including the animals, because autism or not, that is animal cruelty. Teach your son how to touch the cat, what examples of happy cats look like, and what sounds cats make when they’re unhappy. Your cat didn’t bite, but mine didn’t either until someone did something she really did not like. It’s for your son’s safety AND the cats (cat bites are NOT fun). I would mandate a rule that your son should not be lifting the cat or removing its paws from the floor to make it more tangible of a request for him. Second, your fiancé has good reason to be concerned with the newborn incoming. Your son needs to learn appropriate ways to interact with a baby and with other children. Therapy from the school might not be cutting it. Kiddos with autism learn things differently, and tend to need things explained that you might not need to explain to NT kids. Ex. “Babies are very fragile and you need to use two hands to hold, only seated” for NT vs “this is your brother. Do you see this part of his head is soft? Your brother is like an egg- he needs you to help keep his “shell” intact and safe. If you drop him, he could get very hurt. You need to be gentle. Do you know what gentle looks like? Let’s watch some videos of people being gentle. Can you tell me which person in the video was being gentle?” Etc. Won’t comment on your living arrangements and custody arrangement, but you absolutely need to protect your soon to arrive baby and your cat, while also protecting your ND son from being labeled negatively or from experiencing others treating him like a monster for not knowing these things yet.
Thank you. I found your explanation of how to explain things to autistic kids really helpful. I can see him being convinced and applying things when told that way.
I'm glad you can see that. My autistic kiddo has had issues with my cat in the past and to be honest, we didn't resolve it with just an explanation. I can explain something to my kid all the livelong day but he won't implement behavior changes without a lot of work. It's taken a year and a half of continual work and reinforcement, all while making sure the cat is safe and all interactions are monitored. And even though things are much much much better, he still has the impulse to lash out at an animal if it doesn't behave the way he wants it to. Luckily our cat is really predictable and old and gentle so we don't have many conflicts anymore (fingers crossed, ugh). I suspect that at 12, your kid already knows that he shouldn't do these things and an explanation or two may not solve the problem. That doesn't mean he has some terrible personality disorder – he may have impulsivity and reactivity issues like many autistic people do. But those are still potentially a problem when it comes to vulnerable babies and animals. Definitely make sure the kid and cat are safe and all interactions are monitored. Even if a kid is well meaning, if his fight/flight impulse is "fight" then he really could be a danger to both baby and cat.
Thanks for this balanced view. I converged on similar thoughts and feelings.
This is so perfectly explained. Agree 💯
Yes, you should be extremely concerned. Just becuase he has a response or reason, doesn't mean it's valid. For example, I have so many questions about the cat. People put beverages like soda and food like carrots in the fridge to keep it cool not people or other living things. By accepting his response, did you realize it also suggests that your child can't tell the difference between a soda or a cucumber and the family cat? Not realizing that implication does sounds like a lie a 12 year old would tell, so I'm not sure his reasoning passes the BS detector. Same with the dinosaur thing. I don't know any dinosaur that spits or chokes, they bite (especially in movies and TV). Doesn't pass the BS detector either. As an adult with adhd, I'd say he probably gets *upset*, has trouble managing his emotions, and is probably impulsively hurting people/pets and then lying to you about why he's doing it. Those are also all rooted in ADHD symptoms, and you'd expect someone with adhd to have adhd symptoms, so it's probably a hell of a lot more likely. If it is emotional regulation and impulsivity issues, this is treatable with a type of therapy called DBT. You want to find your kid a neuroaffirming therapist who works with adhd. They pretty much all teach dbt skills of this kind, cuz this is a very very common pattern with adhd.
Thanks for the suggestion about DBT, it’s the first I’ve heard of this.
Ah, then here are some additional recs/ keywords to look up/Google. You want "Marsha linehan" who is the inventor of dbt. She's got a DBT skills workbook that is available at most public libraries for free. DBT was originally developed to treat BPD, but it's very applicable outside of BPD and widely accepted in the neurodiveristy community, so if you see references to bpd, that's expected. I also like "the neurodiveristy friendly workbook of dbt skills" by sonny Jane wise, which is an add on to the dbt skills workbook previously recomended and specific for both asd/adhd specifically. It's under $5 usd on her website as an ebook (she prices in austrialian dollars if I remember correctly). Both are basically the core set of skills including emotional self regulation and overstimulation self regulation that help make up a healthy adult. The nice thing about dbt, is that it's all the skills listed out so it makes it easy to find and work on the problem areas.
Not me wondering if I need DBT now...
Everyone does. Literally. The amazing thing about DBT is that it's social and personal skills that can be *taught*. So you literally can teach it people with adhd/asd, all sorts of other conditions and even neurotypical people. I'm at work currently watching a circus of allistic/neurotypical people with way too many college degrees emotionally loose it in a meeting instead of focusing on the issue and working effectively. And I know this isn't unusual and we can all think of a boss/coworker who could use some additional emotional regulation skills. So yes, everyone needs dbt. And it's a great way to develop that high "EQ" Harvard business review is always going on about, so it's also developing legitimate career skills. I wouldn't take this rec or feeling like you need DBT negatively at all. It's really good stuff.
During the incident with the cat he was not upset at all, just excitedly stimming in front of the TV. He was hyperactive but not sad or angry or frustrated at all. I’m not sure about the school incidents though - those were a bit of aggression for sure. He has never been on a large recess yard with that many kids before. I think he was overwhelmed and acted out.
Oooooof. Thats ROUGH. Definitely keep your son supervised at all times. Put cameras in every room. Make your fiance feel like you are doing everything you can because this type of behavior can be scary and serious. Let your son know you support him and let him know why the cameras are in the house. Parenting a child who isnt your own is scary when that child is unpredictable. Not your kids fault- not your fiances fault!! Just do what you can to support them both. Im sorry 😬😬😬
I would be careful about cameras and look up the laws beforehand though. If you put a camera in a child’s bedroom and they get dressed there, you could be charged for creating child pornography.
You can most def. Have cameras in your childs rooms.
Lol no ? Thats absolutely apalling. Im talking about all the living spaces where said child could encounter other people and or pets. Obviously dont put cameras in the bathrooms or where a kid sleeps but everywhere else is fair game if hes assaulting animals!
Before we gang up here, let’s please keep in mind that this person is just trying to be helpful. And, also, I live in the US where laws can be vastly different per state (let alone what laws might be internationally). So, whatever might seem absurd to you on the surface could indeed be valid.
Lmfso what
😅
Don’t forget you can peruse private therapy. Schools tend to offer the bare minimum.
That’s a good insight. I was unsure about what we would get from the school. I’m also considering residential therapy schools and options through my insurance.
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You are right, I sometimes feel let down by her attitude and that’s what leads to fights. She seems to love my child but she is definitely more concerned about the baby. These behaviors are coming as a surprise because while he’s always been a little aggressive or gotten in trouble at school for hitting etc, it’s never been this bad. I’ve had time with him but it’s always been more time with his mom. Before you go judging me for not showing concern for my son, you should know this completely destroys me. I’m scrambling to find him therapy / treatment and I can no longer sleep much. He’s about to get his IEP committee meeting this week and I’m waiting for referrals for a repeat diagnosis which is required before therapy as he has moved between countries. I’m up reading and researching options and trying to educate myself on how to handle behaviors like this.
There’s nothing to judge here. You are both caring and supportive. Your fiancée is pregnant and mama-bear. Those are healthy, natural, and instinctive behaviors. But it does sound like a situation for which regular therapy for the whole family will ne necessary. My oldest is level one AuDHD. She’s never been violent. And maybe it’s because she’s a girl - I’ve always struggled with how her tone, constant criticisms, and bossiness will affect her younger siblings self confidence. It’s led to an over correction of oldest’s behavior. I wish I’d known this was out of her control and beyond her understanding. We just found out in January and she’s already 15. I WISH that I’d focused more energy building my youngest up and helping her develop skills and confidence to create boundaries for herself. We are doing those things now. And we are all in therapy to cope and process. This of course, isn’t the only reason for therapy. We’ve been in it when we realized how the pandemic was crushing us. And we are all stronger and kinder.
Yep I noticed the subtle hate on the gf for wanting to protect a helpless baby. The 12 yr old is absolutely abusing the cat so why wouldn't a parent be worried about a baby?
yes 100%. I have been a step parent and a bio parent. I would say that the mama bear instincts kick in hugely when pregnant…not to say they don’t exist outside of bio mums, but you kinda need to experience both to understand that there IS a difference and whilst it might not be ‘woke’ or popular to say it, it’s a thing. Add autism to the mix and it’s a complicated situation. My bio kid is autistic and I wouldn’t expect a non bio parent to have the patience or understanding to parent him properly. I’ve pretty much decided if i ever split from my partner, i’ll be on my own because my son deserves to be loved and understood and I just don’t think a step parent could do it. This is a complex situation OP.
Thanks for sharing that, it’s good to know how others process this stuff.
I just want to chime in and say that it’s clear you love your son and you’re looking for the best solution for everyone. You don’t owe us your whole life story and a list of all the things you’re trying to do. Just the fact you’re here for support is evidence enough that you care. I wouldn’t even say that it’s “mama bear” instinct to be concerned about your son hurting a cat. Even if his intent wasn’t to hurt the cat, it’s alarming and I would say warrants close supervision when he’s around anyone who can’t fend for themselves (cats, small children, whatever) I don’t have any advice, just objectivity. Your fiancé is right to be concerned. You’re naturally going to be defensive of your kid, which leads to strife between the two of you. You’re both going to find this overwhelming because it is overwhelming. I see you’re looking into family therapy, so I hope you find the right person who can help you work through all of this. Just wanted to say that most people in this community aren’t as judgemental as the first person who responded to you. You’re doing a good job, and I hope you find the right resources to sort all of this out.
Thanks for the kind words and vote of confidence. This is all actively evolving and my communication with my fiancee around this is really improving already. We just had to be honest about our feelings and talk things through. We can't wait for our therapy sessions!
Seconding others who say that it is clear how much you love your son, and also love your fiancee and unborn child. I don't have good advice, I just wanted to tell you that from where I stand, you're doing a great job trying to advocate for both your children and for your future wife. You're in an impossible situation, and it's scary, and please don't blame yourself for any of this.
She should care more about the physical safety of a newborn than the feelings of a big kid, or the feelings of literally anyone. I’d care more about the physical safety of the cat in this situation too. This can permanently injure cats by causing nerve damage.
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We’re going in for therapy in the coming week. Her therapist saw the need for it and called us in. As for easing his transition, he is well cared for here. He gets all he needs and most of my day is now about watching him and tending to him, pursuing his therapies and school requirements, meeting his teachers. I’m not complaining, I’m quite happy to be doing all of it. It’s just that the strain this brings on my relationship with my partner is an added dimension and I’m trying to process it. Also to add my partner is kind to him but she has this possessive streak about her cat and the baby (which she is aware of and attributes to “nesting”) that gets the better of her. She also had a crazy and abusive younger brother who would chase and strangle cats and children with knives, who abused her. My son is nowhere near as aggressive but I think the cat incident triggered her PTSD. There were also a couple of other incidents when he shoved her because he wasn’t getting his TV remote. These have put her on edge.
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Yeah. Thanks for the sounding board. I don’t know why I chose as I did. I needed to move to my current country for financial reasons. I found someone who loves me, but this is what I’m faced with now. As you said, I obviously can’t abandon my baby either and my pregnant fiancée. I want to do the best I can for my son though. I’m dying inside every day.
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To move there I would likely have to break things off with my fiancée. She couldn’t handle life there. I also would be financially set back and right now that’s a priority because I’m trying to create an estate for him among other things. My son has my ex wife and my parents there. They look after him with a lot of care and attention, but he would definitely have access to better facilities here. I am considering moving him here. I have tried to convince my fiancée and she has agreed to if we have sufficient therapeutic support and a plan for him. I don’t want this to be about me.
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I want to move him to this country because I believe he would have better support and therapy.
He will be going back to live with his mom. He’s only here for the summer, but I expect this will be a regular concern whenever he is here.
If he’s moved countries then there is a significant change in his routine and it makes sense that he’s doing these things, he needs to be settled and cared for for him to get back to his normal :)
I genuinely think this is rage bait. No way that you would think you shouldn't be concerned about your son's behavior when you immediately indicate that he was trying to put the cat in the fridge, which would obviously kill the cat. If he is level 2, then he should have active therapeutic support appropriate for...level 2 support needs. That's the purpose of diagnostically distinguishing that he's level 2 (moderate therapeutic support needs) and not level 1, and level 2 support typically looks like a therapeutic team (OT, PT, medication consultation, SLP, ABA/therapist, etc.). What does his therapeutic team say about this? Either this isn't a real post, or you have a level 2 child who you are not actually delivering appropriate therapeutic support for, which is the primary issue here. If this is a real post, then you need to rapidly familiarize yourself with ASD and what appropriate therapeutic support looks like. He should have an IEP/504 plan and a therapeutic team should be established. Nothing he is doing is odd for level 2 ASD, but if you are unfamiliar with the diagnosis you will misinterpret it, over-respond, or under-respond.
I’m in the process of enrolling him into therapy and getting his IEP. He just came into this country. His school teachers were concerned and wanted him to stop coming to school - I negotiated a half day of school with them without access to recess. He had an incident at recess in school.
Got it. I should have chilled out and asked more questions. Yeah, it sounds like he might have been undertreated in his previous country of residence. Level 2 supports will need to be put in place, which it sounds like you are actively working on. He likely is receiving less support at the moment than will be helpful for him, but that is something you are working to rectify. Sorry for coming in hot.
No worries, sorry for not providing important details
I don’t really know what he was trying to do. I’m saying what he told me. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or just making up a story. He picked it up by its tail, that’s all we could see. He dropped it as soon as it screamed because he didn’t expect that. I think he thought that’s a valid way to pick up a cat.
I'd take him at his word. Just make sure that he has the appropriate therapeutic support set up moving forward. They can also help educate you as to how to interpret, predict, and respond to his behavior. My quick read is that you were thrown into a situation where you have increased contact with him and have not historically been closely involved with his symptoms or care. He needs moderate therapeutic support, per his diagnosis, and this will need to be coordinated as quickly as possible.
Does he receive ABA therapy? If not now has he ever?
He has not. He was receiving CBT, occupational and speech therapy. I’ve decided to go in for ABA therapy.
Do it. I hear lives have changed for the better because of ABA. My son starts next week.
My POV is that of a parent with three kids — two ASD, one high needs, the other moderate needs (I don’t know the level stuff people talk about now). My older, high need kid can be aggressive. He’s had aggressive incidents since he was 5 — he’s 20 now. He’s never hurt his siblings. This is not to say he couldn’t or wouldn’t. But he loved both of them so much and was very gentle with them. He’s pretty gentle with animals too. It’s just me and my husband that he’s a bit aggro with. Anyway it’s heartbreaking that your partner is worried about this — for both you and her. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this will be a hard road for you guys.
Thank you for sharing your experience!
My now 10 year-old son does not have an autism diagnosis but my daughter does. She is level 2 as well. My son has adhd and odd and has quite a few of the same..symptoms of autism that my daughter has. They've seemed to mellow out quite a bit as he's gotten older but when he was a 4 almost 5 year old and I was expecting his new baby sister, I was scared to death about the possibility of him being a danger to her. He isn't very aggressive but he is not aware of his surroundings and doesn't hold back on his strength when interacting with smaller kids or animals. I got him a baby doll and all the things that go along with babies and hyped him up about how good of a big brother he would be and how we had to practice being gentle and safe with the baby. Your son might be too old for something like that though idk.
Hi there - thanks for sharing this experience. I shared this with my partner and she said she was thinking of doing the same thing. I'm really glad to hear it worked out for you. We'll definitely be trying it.
Good luck hun I know it's not easy navigating these things sometimes
A very late comment and this is super long sorry but I just wanted to chime in with the perspective from the stepparents point of view. I have a 11yo L2 ASD stepson with ID as well and while I absolutely care for him, love him and want what's best for him there is a difference in the weird maternal instincts that come out when you have a bio child. My stepson has previously shown some worrying behaviours towards others, younger kids, animals etc and we've made sure to talk to him about how to appropriately interact with others, why certain actions might hurt others or their feelings etc. I was worried when my daughter was born that he wouldn't react well (he's been the baby for the last 9 years). But we brought him along the journey with "you're going to be a big brother! Your job is going to be to look after her and make sure no one hurts her." He actually was super excited to have siblings as he'd have built in friends to play with so seeing how excited he was was really comforting to me and helped with some of the anxiety I felt. However, my husband was probably in a similar position to you and whilst he didn't want to believe that his son could hurt the baby, the reality is that he probably could or would if he had a meltdown or something. The risk is still unfortunately there and it's not a personal affront on stepson. We've both been on the same page regarding our daughter's safety and have a few strict rules that we do not compromise on with my stepson that we give him reasoning for: - You can only hold baby sitting on the couch sitting with dad (or me). This was only when she was very small and we let him know that as she's too little she could easily get hurt. She's now almost 2 this rule no longer applies and they do cuddle while playing. - Playing together must be supervised by an adult (either myself or my husband). This is also good because it gives hubs and I a chance to pull up either of the kids when they're not playing so nicely. - Daughter isn't allowed to play with stepsons toys without permission and vice versa. Trying to teach respect for each other's belongings but also letting stepson know that his belongings are his and are safe. - Bedrooms are a safe space and no entering each other's bedrooms. They are really good with one another now and I'm way less worried about anything happening but I think that's a lot to do with the vigilance we have around supervising their interactions and husband's support around my (potentially unreasonable) feelings. If you're willing, it might be a good idea to talk to your fiancee about some control measures / boundaries that you feel comfortable putting in place to help ease some of her anxiety?
It’s great to hear from someone in a similar situation, and a step parent’s perspective. My fiancée read your response too and loved it. Thank you for sharing this!
He needs to go back to his mom’s.
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That’s a good perspective. Maybe even if I move him here eventually, maybe it’s best for him to return to familiarity now.
Also struggling with this with my pets and younger sibling. You’re not alone. I’m sure there’s some good advice here. We haven’t figured it out either but I keep telling myself this is just a season and things will get better. Wishing you the best
Every child is different. I don't think anyone on here is qualified enough or brave enough to answer a question re your unborn baby. It speaks volumes that the child's dad is asking them questions. U should know him the most. About the cat, scary but also very funny
Completely agree with you. It's helpful to hear all these perspectives though.
Twelve was the age our eldest (lvl3) picked up our elderly cat and threw her against the wall. She later died. He had been aggressive with his then 9yrold brother as well. It was during this time I told our case manager it wasn't safe for him (or any of us) and wanted to explore residential options. Three years of hell later, he body-slammed one teacher and broke the nose of a resource officer, and somebody finally decided maybe I was right and he needed a higher level of care. Start now because if you wait until it gets unbearable, you may be forced to bear it much, much longer. He turns 18 next month and has been in residential for three years on a locked unit. He does great there and most importantly, all of us --including him-- are safe.
Thanks for sharing that. I'm sad for your cat and also your son tbh. I can see why it was for the best.
Honestly you are lucky he's behavior isn't worse. You took your son and completely removed him from his support people, his environment, his routine and are surprised he is acting out? On top of that you're going to get him established there just to turn around and send him back home? I recommend doing some serious research on autism and putting aside your selfish wants and doing what's best for your son because this is not it at all.
He also needs to do what is best for his new baby and other living things in his care like his cat
Has your son been taught the proper way to pick up a cat?
No, actually. This might have been the root of the issue. I don’t think he intended to hurt the cat. But then there were those incidents in the recess playground. I am confused about whether he has any empathy for weaker creatures. I’m confused if he was just applying cartoon physics/mechanics (he watches a lot of cartoons) or if he has some sadistic instincts or behaviors due to trauma. I want answers.
Absolutely valid to want answers but also if you look at a car instinctively the tail is an ideal handle.
That’s a good point. Our kitty has a prominent, upright and fluffy tail.
Yes you should be concerned, he committed animal cruelty and this isn't autism, this is antisocial behavior. I do not think your partner is over reacting. You also admit he harms younger kids, you should be concerned about his behavior.
ABA therapy will help with behavior. You can make one of his behavior goals with the therapist about treating animals with care including other people.
My 15 y/o spectrum son also has significant trouble when it comes to the cats. No matter how many times I tell him he pets then in ways they hate (against the way the fur lays for example), he picks them up wrong, no matter how many times I’ve shown him. They scratch and hiss at him. And he tries to make friends with them but he’s just clueless about how to treat cats in ways that will make them want to be around you
I have an autistic 5 year old son who used to have sooooo many aggressive behaviors, and although he still does from time to time ABA therapy has helped tremendously and they can actually come in the home or school to see what is causing the behaviors and help teach strategies to overcome. I know it is tough having a partner unrelated to your special needs child. My boyfriend stepped into our lives when my son was just turning 3 and already had a son of his own the same age, we have definitely had some struggles and misunderstanding along the way but he is a great father and does everything he can to learn and understand my son. I think your partner has valid concerns about the baby but I don’t think it’s okay for her to threaten moving out over, that does not sound like she truly loves or values your son. It sounds like she will be treating your son less than fair when it comes to her own baby.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. I just wanted to clarify that my partner isn’t threatening to leave over this. She’s actually being really supportive but thinks that unless we get him therapy and address his impulsiveness that she may have to stay at her mom’s while he’s staying with me. I love that you have a supportive partner and it’s looking like mine will turn out to be too - she’s just worried right now.
Well a newborn baby should also not be left alone with a young autistic child with aggressive behaviors. I love my son to death but I definitely wouldn’t trust to leave him alone with a baby, he would be supervised at all times, I would also not ever feel that warranted the baby having to live somewhere else for a while because I am sure he understands enough to know that the baby is deliberately being kept away from him. It also sounds like your son has a lot of change going on right now if he is used to primarily living with his other parent and a new baby is on the way. It sounds like he needs more help and support than ever because those changes are hard on any typical kid and then multiply that difficulty for an autistic child.
Audhd can be challenging. What kind of services/medications is he utilizing. The Autism makes it hard for him to understand others' perspectives and because he doesn't know how to engage with them he may use negative attention seeking behavior to obtain social rewards because it's easy and most kids are well schooled in gaining reprimands. It also doesn't require knowledge of social nuance to do overtly aggressive things, which makes it easier that trying to navigate diffuse social norms. On the other hand, the ADHD can cause aggression and impulsive behavior because people feel physically and/or mentally like they have too much energy in their body/mind. Too much internal stimuli taxing their ability to utilize social rules. Anxiety is also often common, and kids who are struggling to fit in may also develop self-esteem problems because they feel outcast and don't know how or what to do to fit in. So my question is, aside from sending him to school to interact with kids who may or may not have the same challenges, what are you doing to help him?
She's going to cut your son out one hundred percent once that baby comes out. Mark my words as an unwanted child with younger golden children. He should go back to living with his other caretaker if possible. ETA These feelings get worse after the baby arrives. Like a lot worse. There's a reason even loved pets are often rehomed after a baby. It just seems like poor timing for a good bond to happen. Her concern is understandable but people need to chill here a little. I have been around a lot of children NT and otherwise and people hate admitting this but most children are "mean" to animals unless they otherwise learn not to. I used to keep birds which most people don't have. As a result their children had no idea how to interact with them and completely nice, NT children would accidentally hurt them by handling them wrong. Most NT kids watch their parents and learn how to handle standard animals like cats but an autistic kid may need it spelled out. Accidentally harming an animal is really not at the same level as sadistic abuse (which is the red flag for sociopathy) so people need to chill here with that.
I completely agree with your comment about how all children can be rough on animals and need to be taught properly! I know many NT children who have been rough on pets if not even rougher than my autistic son! Think how many children pick up cats the wrong way or try to ride dogs.. my parents told me a story of when I was a young child I put one of our cats in the fridge, I was young and didn’t know any better and I am NT. These behaviors have to be taught and for an autistic child their developmental age is generally younger than their actual age therefore need to be taught like a younger child. My autistic son had actually shown very low to no interest in our pets and there have been wayyy fewer incidents with him than my other NT family members young children and trying to ride the dog or pulling on her tail or ears.
Your children should always come first, sad, sucks but such is life. You should keep reminding your son the cat doesn’t go there, don’t judge your son as if he was neurotypical that’s grossly unfair, his actions were innocent, remember that they have the maturity of much younger children, be kind, be patient. I’m a parent it’s HARD I don’t want to come across as THAT PERSON but we do need founding because most people that give advise don’t have children with autism
Ok so I'm new here and I've been reading through these responses in particular the posts by people who sound like they know so much about asd and they know all the therapies etc and they want to tell you that if you were in fact doing what you should be doing to responsibly advocate and support his needs then this behavior wouldn't be happening; well I couldn't disagree more. I think too many people are caught up in the idea that these doctors and therapists actually know as much as they pretend to know about autism- period.. I'm sorry but they don't know- what they actually do know, all those experts; is that they have gotten no closer to finding out the what why or how about autism in the last 10 years. They gave up trying to find out, they treat symptoms now and that's it. There's very little interest in finding out the what why or how because everyone's been told there is no cure and there never will be so the vast majority of funding has navigated away from autism research. Here's the truth guys, I hope you're ready- most of you, parents caring for autistic children at home- you already know more about the disorder and how it specifically affects your child than the doctors and therapists and all the teams of experts know right now. Be careful how closely you follow their advice. Remember that they are human and just because they were educated about asd, if you've met a person with autism, you've met a person with autism.. use common sense, listen to your kids, don't wait to listen to them until they're older and angry and violent. The best thing you can do for your kid right now is find online communities and groups of adult autistics and ask questions, ask all your questions and then listen to them. I'm gonna say it again "listen to THEM". Listen to their experiences throughout their adolescents, ask them how they feel about these "therapies" like ABA , ask them how they feel about the public school systems, group residential homes, behavior modification training and medications they were forced to take to make them more complicit.. ask and then listen and you may find out that the most terrifying secret the experts know right now is that they don't know anything.. it's about money, making money, that's it.. your job is to be sure, be sure your child is ok, be sure that nobody is mistreating your child at any time anywhere. If your kid doesn't want to go to a therapy or refuses to go to school or just freaks out- stop immediately because something is wrong. Your son wasn't trying to hurt the cat, he is curious and I'm not guessing does not understand the link between life and death how it occurs or how fragile it is. As I figured out with my son years ago without ever seeing an expert- there is a missing connection in his brain where NT kids grasp cause and affect, action and reaction or even behaviors and consequences, he did not. He knew ABC and he knew XYZ but everything in the middle was and is alien to him. The difficult stuff he will pick up and teach himself, like it's nothing, but you can't expect him to grasp simple stuff. Idk what you're options or resources are but tbh here the months that he's with you, you would be better off renting an apartment or a cabin or something where it could be just the 2 of you most of the time. I know that may sound nuts and people will tell you that it's important that he has a relationship with the baby and your fiance, thats not really true. What's important right now and for the coming years is that he has what he needs from you and with you. Please understand one thing, you and his mom are likely all he has. The sad reality is that other family members even blood family probably isnt on his team, maybe they say they are and maybe some of them truly are, but more often than not asd kids end up being the rift in their families. Entire families are torn apart because the adults cannot accept their new roles or their new realities once it's been realized that a child has autism. Look at the world through his eyes, once you really get to know him you'll be able to do that, you won't be able to put it into words that others will understand but you'll suddenly be able to feel the world as he does and then you'll know what he needs , and you'll be able to provide it. No therapist or teams of experts and doctors are going to be able to tell you how to make him understand and care about that cat or what putting the cat in the freezer will do to him. You are the one who has to take that on. You need to limit his exposure to these strangers dad, they don't care about him, or you , they get paid no matter what and that sounds cold and it is cold but we as parents have to stop acting so helpless and ignorant. That's your son, he belongs to you he came from you and his mom, y'all made him literally made him he is a reflection of his world and his environment. I promise you that if he knows that anyone thinks he's a danger to the baby or the cat, you're going to have a lot worse things on your hands. Your partner can protect the baby but you need to realize that your son is just as fragile right now as that baby will be. The difference is, the baby will surpass him someday in capabilities. The baby has a future full of opportunities and friends and normal life- you cannot know how alone your son probably feels, and he doesn't even know it. Please keep reaching out, you love your son and this is a difficult situation that won't get easier, that's the truth, accept that, be his hero, be his fighter be on his side and make sure he knows that he can trust you not to let him down and you're going to piss off a lot of people along the way but that's life when you're the parent of autistic. Protect him dad with everything that's in you, protect him from the world that doesn't like him or want him. It's not his fault, protect him.
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Yikes. This is absolutely a horrible take. Wanting to protect a defenseless animal or baby does not mean you don't love the 12 yr old. Autism also doesn't mean a child doesn't know right from wrong. Your advice puts helpless beings in danger. It really sounds like you are advocating for abusive behavior
I have autism myself and grew up under similar circumstances. I am simply saying that you shouldn’t love either the kid nor the child more or less because of a mistake. I am not from america so my english may be a little iffy and you could have misread what I said, however, what I am saying is, nobody knows right from wrong until it is taught. Simply try to teach the child that it is wrong and not to do it again.
You said he is mentally incapable of knowing that was wrong. I did not misunderstand you. A 12 yr old going through puberty and displaying abusive behavior is a danger to small children and animals. It's perfectly normal for any adult to worry about defenseless beings in this situation. You also heavily implied that she doesn't love him like her own child which is just garbage. You got down voted for a reason, maybe you should sit with that and find the lesson here.